The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 9:28 am 
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4. Extra Flamey
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Nicely done that update. :) Yep angsty and mushy - I really liked.

I don't think I would have been surprised if Tara (in the show, not the fics I mean) had been cutting in season 4 either.

I liked how Willow acted when she found out. Hugging her, stopping the bleeding with her shirt, talking to her. Not pushing for details, but gently asking her about it.

Also I'm glad Willow found out, not just cos she will try to help Tara through this, but also cos this might help Willow through Oz's cheating and leaving her. To a certain extent it does help one's own pain when seeing other people in pain and helping them through it.

I've never been a cutter, but I do understand Tara's suspicions in the beginning of their friendship about being set up or something. I had some less than nice friends for a while when I was way younger, took a while to really trust people again after that. But about the cutting; I find it "interesting" not just cos it is a big problem, but it's just that little part of me that likes to find out why people act the way they do I guess.

I'm glad Tara's willing to let Willow help. She opened up a little to her, and letting her stay and be there for her through the night. :)

Great update.

Liv

_________________
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the universe. - Einstein
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. - Rochefoucauld
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us. - R.W.Emerson
Everything is relative. - Einstein (Except for ”absolute truths”)

Avi made by gingerafros


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 1:58 pm 
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14. Lesbo Street Cred
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Sadness prevails in this update. It's curious that I now think of Tara's emotional problems as being worse than Willow's, based on how they handled them. That is of course not logical, but I find I do it anyway.

What I find most saddening is that Tara appearantly had no one during adolescence to confide in. Was there really no in her entire familly who cared just a tiiiiny little bit for Tara ?? I find that horrible. (and I would like to think such things don't happy in real life, let me keep my fantasy ok? :))

Stuff like this:
Quote:
"I. yes. He's right. I do. I'm not g-good. I'm b-bad. Very b-bad."
.

makes me REALLY dislike some male person. Even *if* Tara mis-behaved at times (or if her dad misunderstood her insecurities, worsening them in the process) there's no excuse for letting your daughter feel so bad about herself. None.

There...behold my opinion :lol.

If I ever get into the same situation I wish I'll respond like Willow, she did very well :bow :bow . I'm very glad that Tara at least doesn't push Willow away, slowly but surely Willow will help climb out of the self-confidence hole. Yep, I have faith in Willow and Tara... won't be an easy road of course.. :cry.


Grimmy

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"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it."
-- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 2:53 pm 
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5. Willowhand

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I-i-i just dont know how to put into words...


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 5:12 pm 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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GayNow - First of all, a big huge hug for you! Yes, I tapped into a lot of pain. That was the idea. It's something that's going to take a lot of work, a lot of love and devotion to work through. Really, that's what my fic is going to be focusing on - that these things CAN be worked through.

cperrins78 - It's no problem, I love writing this. I think I've been taking more than a little of my own angst out this way.

Sheba - Thanks so much!

viximon - Yes, very sad. You got the whole hope thing? Good. I was afraid it was a little too subtle.

Still Waters T - Really? You're the first person I've met who agrees with me as far as the Tara/cutting thing. I always thought that if it were the case, Willow would be the best one to find out because she's gone through so much as far as that kind of pain. At least at that point - Buffy goes through it more in S6. It makes sense to me that Willow would understand the sensitivity of the subject. Yay for Willow and Tara mushiness!

grimlock72 - I've always thought of Tara's problems as worse than Willow's, probably because I identify more with Tara. It's not that Tara had no one to confide in, more that she was afraid to confide in the few people that were there. We'll find out more about that later. And of course, in real life EVERYONE has someone who understands them perfectly. *Allows you to have your fantasy*. Yes, Willow did what I would hope that anyone would do in that situation.

willohand - I got your email, I'll be responding to you there. In the meantime - *big uberhugs*

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: This chapter is particularly tense and emotional. Just a warning – anyone who cries easily might want to grab the Kleenex.




Willow looked down at the young woman in her arms. She was leaning against the headboard of Tara’s bed, half sitting and half lying down, on top of the blankets, while Tara herself lay beneath them, her head resting lightly on Willow’s stomach. She looked over at the clock, it was almost three. Tara had been sleeping for hours, and Willow had just lain there, not tired, but unwilling to leave. Unwilling, even, to shift enough to adjust her skirt, which was bunched under her. It had become uncomfortable about two hours ago, and half an hour after that she’d gotten used to it, though she knew she’d have crazy crease lines on her legs when she finally did move.

Her one arm lay under the blond’s neck and wrapped around her. Willow lightly traced light, delicate circles on Tara’s shoulder with that hand, the other braced firmly against the other girl’s stomach. She was lost in thought, watching Tara sleep so peacefully after being in such a wreck earlier. Who could do something like that to this woman? Who would put her through that willingly, let alone on purpose? Willow sighed. All I know is that I love her, so much… She didn’t even look like she believed me. How can she doubt it so easily? To have gone through that much pain, and be so strong… she doesn’t think she’s strong. She thinks she’s weak for hurting herself. I have to make her see… see herself the way I see her. If I can’t tell her how beautiful she is, I’ll have to show her. How can I prove to her that she’s something good, not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ like she’s been taught to believe. Her father had damn well better never show up in Sunnydale.

She leaned over and lightly kissed Tara’s temple, careful not to wake her. Somehow, Willow got the feeling she didn’t sleep well very often. What did she dream, that night? She said it was nothing, but I don’t really believe that. I think she was just pretending it was nothing… not wanting to talk about it. What happens in her mind when she sleeps? I hope it’s nothing too bad. I’ve been to nightmareville, it’s not fun. I wouldn’t wish that for her. Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t wish for her anything that could possibly bring her any more pain. Goddess knows she’s had enough. Too much, her own body proves that. So many scars. I’ve never thought of scars as beautiful before, but hers just seem to speak to me. Because I know what they meant? Because I would have the same ones if I’d thought of it? I think I would die happy if I could only prevent her from being in that kind of pain again.

As if on cue, Tara’s brow began to furrow and her whole body tightened around Willow’s arm as the young woman curled up into a fetal position, her arms moving up to cover her head. She looked like… like she’s cowering. Like she’s about to be beaten. Willow’s eyes opened wide at this thought, and the protectiveness she’d felt before suddenly doubled. Oh God… is that what happened to her? Is that the way her father treated her? That explains so much... so much that I wish wasn't explained.

Willow started to rub Tara’s stomach, whispering gently in her ear. “Tara? Tara, baby, I’m here. It’s okay. I’ll protect you baby, I’m not going anywhere.” Especially now, Will thought, I think I have a few questions to ask you when you wake up.

Tara rolled over so she was facing Willow, more or less. The tension in her rigid body eased a little, and Willow smiled, pleased with herself. She tightened her hold around Tara just a little. I promise you. Even if you don’t feel about me the way I do about you, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll love you, and protect you, and stay with you. As long as you need me, I’ll stay with you.

The blond began to shift a little more, her eyes moving beneath the closed lids. She let out a sigh, barely audible, and shifted a little more. She let out a yawn, stretching a little in her sleep. Willow grinned. She’s so cute! As she started to relax, she also began to ease out of sleep. Her eyes fluttered open. “W-Willow?” Her voice was thick and heavy with sleep.

Willow smiled. She was beautiful when she was waking up. She was beautiful all the time. “I’m here.”

Tara smiled, still half asleep. “You stayed.”

Will nodded. “You thought I wouldn’t?”

Tara lifted her face up a little and yawned, shaking her head. “N-no. I figured you’d l-leave when I fell asleep.”

The redhead looked worried for a moment. “Did you want me to go?”

At the almost panicked tone in Willow’s voice, Tara awakened fully. “No, n-no, of course not.” She paused. “I dreamt about y-you.”

“Oh?”

Tara nodded. “I was… in a b-bad place, but then you were t-there. You told me you would p-protect me, and that everything would b-be okay…” she trailed off, realizing that it might scare Willow off to know that Tara thought of her that way. How did I ever find someone like her? Even if she never feels about me the way I do about her…

Willow just let out a happy sigh. “I was there, with you. You were… you looked like you were getting scared, so I told you that... I told you I would stay with you, that I would protect you. I will, you know.” She caught Tara’s eyes, and for a moment, the world disappeared. “Tara… were you… were you dreaming of your father? Did he… ever… hit you?” Willow bit her lip, afraid she might have pushed a little too far.

Tara’s eyes flew open and she sat up abruptly, pulling the sheets around her. “H-how did you…?” How does she know? I haven’t said anything to anyone, no one knows except Dad an Donnie. How did she figure it out?!

Willow looked down, feeling tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. “The position. You were all… crunched up, like a baby… you looked really scared. You were hiding your face, and you brought your arms up over your head… it looked like the kind of position someone would take on if they were about to be… beaten.” She looked up again, her voice suddenly hard and cracking with emotion. “Tara, I will never let anyone hit you again. Never.”

Tara looked confused. “Why are you s-so…” She couldn’t finish. She barely knew what she was asking. All she knew was that she didn’t understand. The words, yes, but she sensed that there was something more to them than their meaning.

A light entered Willow’s eyes as understanding dawned. She didn’t know what I meant. She thought I meant platonic love. She still doesn’t know… Willow reached up tentatively and gently ran her hand through the tousled blond locks. “Um… Tara… I don’t think you understood me earlier. When I said I love you… I meant I love you. I’m in love with you, Tara. More than I ever thought I could be.” Willow pulled her hand back a little, letting it hover beside Tara’s cheek.

Blue eyes widened in understanding. “Y-you mean…?”

Willow smiled, a little nervously. “I mean. Okay?”

Tara nodded, reaching up to cup Willow’s hand in her own, bringing it to her face. “Oh yes…” she sounded out of breath. Her eyes sparkled as she barely choked out in a whisper, “I love you too.”

Willow pulled Tara back down into a tight embrace, overcome with emotion and just a little surprised. That was… easier than I would have expected. I’m glad I didn’t think about it too much, otherwise I probably would have talked myself out of it. Just let her think I meant that I loved her in a ‘friends’ way…and she loves me too. I can’t believe this beautiful woman loves me too. Oh no. How am I going to tell Buffy and Xander and everyone? Giles is so British, he’ll probably have a heart attack. Maybe an aneurism. Oh God, what if he has both?! I mean, that would be bad. It would be bad anyway, but that would be really bad, and it would be all my fault because I didn’t think about how British he is. He really is very, very British. I think I need to come up with a synonym for British, because I’m using this word too much. Oh God, how am I going to tell Buffy?

Tara felt the redhead stiffen beneath her. “Are… are you o-okay?”

Willow bit her lip. “Yes, baby. I’m fine… I just realized… telling you was easy. It was… right, somehow. I don’t know how I’m going to tell Buffy.”

The blond sighed. “I don’t think it matters right now. You’ll find a way, and it’ll be right then.” She paused. “You don’t think that Buffy is going to reject you for it, do you? Because you know she’s not going to do that. I don’t think Xander will either, though I don’t really know him that well…”

Willow just stared at Tara, incredulous.

“W-what?”

“You said that… you said all of that without stuttering!” Willow smiled broadly and hugged Tara closer.

“I d-did? I did!” she smiled brightly and sat up, forgetting to bring the sheets with her.

And both girls were suddenly very aware that Tara was still clad only in a bra and underwear.

Tara blushed bright red as Willow tried to make herself look away. She wasn’t succeeding. Quickly, Tara hoisted herself off the bed and wrapped herself tightly in a fuzzy blue robe. Willow smiled.

Tara realized she was also suddenly more conscious of her scars than before. How can she say I’m beautiful? But she believes it. I can hear it, I can see it in her eyes… Goddess, she’s almost got me believing it! Tara smiled softly. Is this what it feels like to be loved?

_________________
Don't you sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied, choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides - Garth Brooks, "the River"


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 8:40 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey
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Can I just say, thanks for the really fast updates? :D

Quote:
Really? You're the first person I've met who agrees with me as far as the Tara/cutting thing.

To be honest, back when I was watching season 4 it wouldn't really have crossed my mind. But now though, it would have. The last couple years have given me a little more insight into other people and also myself. Tara didn't seem to really have friends before Willow, from what I can remember. She was really really shy. And her family's not the best (although that didn't come up until season 5). Not that I think everyone who don't have many friends, who's painfully shy, and who doesn't have a nice family would cut themselves. Cos anyone could. Including the popular, outgoing people. And I know a few popular and outgoing people who seem to be all kinds of good, but they're really not. Just goes to show that probably everyone, or most people put up some kind of front in front of others, including the ones you might have known for years, like for instance family members you thought you knew but kinda didn't as much as you thought.

Yeah, Willow was a good choice for finding out Tara's cutting. And people deal with pain in different ways. Though their reasons for being in pain are different, they're still in pain. So helping each other - good.They both have someone now who understand them. :)

Will Willow tell Buffy any of what Tara's going through? Will she tell Buffy and Xander any time soon about her feelings for Tara? I'm all curious. :p But I'll be patient, and I like the way this deals and focuses on Willow and Tara dealing with their pain. ...Or something along those lines. I'm a bit too tired to say anything more heh, or more coherent if it was rather incoherent and jumbled up. Should really have been sleeping hours and hours ago. :p

OH and YAY! Willow already realizes she loves Tara in a non-platonic way! :bounce Now Tara doesn't have to be worried about Willow not returning her love...well, that is if she doesn't start doubting it now. Man, I need sleep! :yawn :sleep

Liv

_________________
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the universe. - Einstein
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. - Rochefoucauld
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us. - R.W.Emerson
Everything is relative. - Einstein (Except for ”absolute truths”)

Avi made by gingerafros


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 02, 2005 10:43 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe

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I really love this story! I especially (did I spell that right?) like the fast updates! This story brings out a lot of emotions that I had kept buried inside of me and I think it brings out Tara in a new light.

Please continue this great story!


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 2:30 am 
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3. Flaming O
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Great update. I especially liked the last line. Tara finally knowing what it feels like to be loved.


Christina


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 5:45 pm 
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Still Waters T - You know, I always love your feedback... the updates should slow down a bit after this, this is the last chapter I've had prewritten. Shouldn't slow down too much though, might go to every OTHER day instead of every day... I get what you mean about the cutting thing. I probably jumped there because of certain people and experiences... and it's probably good that you can be patient. Because I'm not at liberty to disclose anything here.

Tooru - I'm glad you like it! And like I'm going to abandon this fic now. I think I'd have a small mob at my door.

cperrins78 - Yay. I thought that was a good line... I wanted to end it on at least a happyish note.

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: Finally. A break in the angst. This chapter is a very long one, so I've broken it up into two parts. The second part is done in songfic style. And just a warning - that second part is VERY mushy.





Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. I’ve really got to watch this strength thing. Desperately, she attempted to fit the handle back onto the frozen yogurt machine, which was pouring strawberry frozen yogurt in a steady stream. A moment later, she gave up and tucked the broken handle to the side. Please no one have seen that… She hurried on to the till to pay for her food.

She rolled her eyes and groaned a second time when she spilled what frozen yogurt she’d managed to catch in the little cup along with her drink. “Sorry, sorry about that…” she grabbed some napkins and blotted up the mess as best she could. Giving up, she threw the tray on the floor next to the spilled ex-edibles and left, throwing her hands up into the air. “Today is just not my day.”

Her stomach growled as she made her way up to the dorm room. She flung open the door. “Hey, Willow. You wouldn’t happen to have some difficult-to-spill food around, would you? I seem to be dropping everything on the floor. Or damaging somehow, anyway…” She grinned over at the redhead, who had been lying on her stomach on her bed, typing away on her laptop.

Willow rolled her eyes. “Uh huh.” She gestured towards the minifridge. “There are some boiled eggs in there. Nothing special, but help yourself. By the way, not everything hit the floor.”

Buffy looked down and sighed. There was a big strawberry stain on her shirt from the frozen yogurt. “Great. And I’m supposed to be at Giles’ for training in half an hour.”

Willow said nothing, just reached down beside the bed into a basket of clean laundry that had yet to be put away and threw a shirt at the blond. It landed on her head.

“Oh, great, thanks Willow. Now I have to redo my hair.”

“Buffy, it was in a ponytail. How messed can it possibly be?” Willow looked up as the Slayer pulled the shirt off her head. “Oh.”

Her hair was twisted around the shirt and she was having trouble unwinding her hair from the sleeves and collar. “Buffy, how the frilly heck did you get the shirt to DO that? It was folded!”

Buffy shrugged and fought with the shirt a little more. “I told you I’m having a klutz day! Don’t throw things at the klutz! It never ends well.”

Willow nodded. “Right. I’ll keep that in mind.” She heaved herself up off the bed to help untangle her friend’s blond locks from the shirt.

There was a knock on the door. “Come in!” The Slayer and Willow yelled at the same time, then burst out laughing in almost perfect unison. The door swung open slowly and two blue eyes poked around the corner.

Willow smiled broadly. “Tara! Hey, come on in!” She finished tugging Buffy’s hair from it’s tangle and walked over to the other blond. Gently, she reached out and took her hand, leading her to the bed. Both girls sat down facing each other.

Willow looked over at Buffy, who paused for a moment, then pulled the clean shirt on over her dirty one, grabbed an egg and left. The redhead turned back to face Tara as the door closed. “Hey, baby. I thought you had classes today. What’s up?”

Tara lifted her head – she’d been focusing on a wrinkle in Willow’s bedspread that took the shape of Abe Lincoln’s nose. Smiling, she met Willow’s eyes. “I do. In about t-ten minutes, actually. I just… wanted to s-say thank you. For yesterday. You didn’t h-have to…”

Willow lifted her hand, pressing two fingers gently to the blond’s lips. “You don’t have to thank me. What did you expect me to do, walk away from you when you were in that much pain?”

Tara looked away again, the colour rising in her cheeks.

“Oh, baby… listen to me. I will never do that. I don’t know what’s happened in your life to make you feel this way, about yourself, about the world… I don’t know. I know that I will never understand it completely, because your life must have been so hard, and so different from mine. But I will always be here to talk to. I love you.”

A tear rolled down Tara’s cheek. “I l-love you too, W-Willow. It’s just… everyone has always l-left.”

“And you’ve come to expect it. I understand that much, at least.” Willow reached forwards and wiped the tear off of the blond’s cheek. Gently, she pulled her into a hug. “It’s all right, baby. I’m not going anywhere. Everyone will know that soon, as soon as I figure out how to tell them. I can’t exactly just walk up and go ‘so, how’s the slaying going? Oh, and by the way, I’m gay and in love with this amazing woman, just a week after my first ever boyfriend cheated on me with another werewolf and ran off to Tibet.’ I just don’t think that would work very well. Not with Giles anyway, he’s so… British!”

Tara smiled. She loved it when Willow did this, just… talked. It didn’t even really matter what she said. The blond could just lose herself in her voice. Even if this doesn’t last, even if something happens and it’s not true… I’ll always remember this.

Tara eased herself out of Willow’s arms. “Can we have c-coffee, after c-classes today? I won’t be free until l-late, but I… I want to t-talk to you. About stuff that’s gone on… in m-my life. Before you tell your friends about… us.” She let her voice carry over the last word, dragging it out. Who would have thought that two letters could make me this happy? But I know I have to tell her. It wouldn’t be fair not to, not after everything. I can’t let myself get any deeper into this if she’s just going to find out and turn me away.

Willow smiled and nodded. “Of course, baby. Anything you want. At the grotto, around eight?”

Tara nodded, clutching her textbook to her chest. With that, she turned and hurried out of the room.

Willow remained seated for a moment, smiling at the closed door. What Oz did still hurts… it feels like it was just yesterday that I walked in on him. But when I’m with her, it feels like it was a million years ago, and it just doesn’t matter anymore… I don't think I'd take him back even if he came crawling. I can’t bear the thought that he’s gone, and yet here I am, in love with, of all people, a woman! And it doesn’t… doesn’t hurt when she’s here. I wish she could always be here, so it didn’t hurt anymore…

*****

Buffy walked into Giles’ apartment in the middle of what was obviously an interesting conversation.

“…wee bit unethical…” Giles trailed off as Buffy walked in and held up the sketch he’d been working on, the army men based on Buffy’s over-the-phone descriptions.

Buffy grinned. “Hello people – Hey. Mmm… yep. It’s my late night storm trooper pal.

Giles coughed weakly. “It’s… it’s just for reference, you know. But fairly accurate, you’d say?”

The Slayer nodded. “That’s your man.”

“Your man, actually. Uh… You’re patrolling tonight?”

Buffy grinned. “Nope, I’m going to a party tonight. With any luck it’ll be a ‘no fighting, no biting’ kind of deal.

Giles sighed. “Look, Buffy, somebody’s got to find out who these people are.”

“Giles, I live in a dorm now. The girls in my hall want to party. Willow needs some cheering up, so I’m taking her.

Xander waved his hand in an indefinite motion, a worried look creasing his forehead. “How’s Will dealing…?”

Buffy cut him off. “With the black hole of despair she’s been living in since Oz left? She’s dealing. I’m helping. It’s hard.” She shrugged. “Ergo, party. You two can take patrol. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find something slutty to wear tonight.” With that, she turned and left the apartment.

Giles and Xander exchanged a look. “Well, G-man, looks like we’re slayerizing tonight.”

Giles rolled his eyes. “Indeed. Will you PLEASE refrain from calling me that?”

Xander grinned mercilessly. “Sure thing, G-man.”

*****

Buffy sighed and gave up wrestling with her pen, wiping her hands on her lap. “Stupid pen.” She looked down at the little stack of paper in front of her. “My notes!”

Willow chuckled. “Ballpoints can be tricky.”
Professor Walsh stood at the front of the class and dismissed them. “I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

Willow and Buffy stood up, collecting their things, Buffy trying desperately to avoid further damaging her notes with her ink-covered hands. Willow hurried down the aisle and walked up to Riley.

“Hey, Riley. Um… you left off a name on the roll call. Osbourne. Daniel Osbourne…”

Riley shrugged. “I heard he wasn’t in this class anymore, dropped out or something.”

Willow shook her head. “No, he’s… he’s gone on a short trip. He’s coming back though. I know that totally sounds lame in all it’s vagueness, but he’s definitely coming back.”

The professor walked up to Willow and Riley. “Not to my class, he won’t. You know the rules and you know I hate exceptions, and yet somehow you feel your exception is exceptional.” She crossed her arms, leaning back against the desk.

Willow started up again. “Oh, but…” she trailed off as she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning, she found her eyes caught in crystal blue ones, and the flash of pain she felt melted away. “Tara…”

Walsh didn’t seem to see. “Your exception is exceptional, to you. But since I’m neither a freshman nor a narcissist, I have to consider the whole class. If your friend can’t respect my schedule, I think it’s best he not come back.”

Willow tilted her head back towards the professor and squeezed her eyes shut. Tara wrapped one arm around Willow’s shoulders and led her away.

Buffy glared at Walsh, and took three steps, arriving right in front of the professor. “You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some…”

*****

Willow leaned against Tara’s shoulder, fighting back tears, as the blond led her back to Stevenson Hall. Willow sighed. “I’m sorry, Tara… about this. I don’t want you to think that I don’t love you, or even that I still love him. I don’t, not really. It just hurt so much, and now he’s gone and he was such a big part of my life for so long, and he’s just being erased. It was going to end anyway, I know it, it couldn’t have possibly lasted much longer. Really, I think I’m just hurt because it ended the way it did, than that it ended…”

Tara pressed two fingers against Willow’s lips, the same way Willow had stopped her from talking earlier that day. “Shhh. Sweetie, I u-understand.”

Willow looked up. “Do you? Because I don’t think I’m explaining it well.”

Tara stopped moving, pulling the redhead around to face her. “I do. It’s not that you still w-want him, it’s that you feel wronged and b-betrayed.”

Willow nodded, her face dull. Tara pulled her close. “I understand, s-sweetie.”

The redhead sighed. “If he came back now, I wouldn’t take him back. I don’t want him anymore, I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m in love with you. It’s just… the wound is still so fresh.”

Tara winced a little at Willow’s choice of words, careful not to let the redhead see her reaction. “I k-know, Will. I know.”

They stood together, holding each other tightly, Willow’s tears wetting the shoulder of Tara’s shirt. The blond didn’t mind at all. How am I not threatened by this? Even just… goddess, just two days ago I would have been sure that this meant rejection, but… it feels like nothing can hurt us. This is so weird…

Moments later, Buffy walked up. “Tara, thanks for taking care of Willow. I’ll take her back to the dorm, luckily she doesn’t have any classes for the rest of the day.”

Tara sighed and nodded. She had to get to her next class anyway.

Buffy and Willow went off, continuing towards Stevenson, and Tara turned and went the other way.

*****

Willow closed her eyes, letting the music wash over her. She loved this song, it was one she really related to four years ago, before Buffy showed up. It seemed to be hitting home again.

Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me, not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t something missing
Isn’t someone missing me?


There was a knock on the door. Willow got up and went to open it, wiping at her eyes. “Oh. Riley. Hi. What do you want?”

“Um… right to the point then. I kind of want to ask out Buffy.”

“She’s not here.” Willow’s voice was dead. “She’ll be at the party tonight. She’s going… She wanted me to come, but I'm going for coffee with Tara. Oh, and by the way – if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend.”

Riley nodded, swallowing visibly. “Uh… right. Okay… I’ll just talk to her then, then…” he turned and hurried off. Willow shut the door and turned around, leaning against it. There was another knock.

Willow turned around and opened the door angrily. “Go away, Ril – oh, Tara.” She blushed a little. “Hey…”

_________________
Don't you sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied, choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides - Garth Brooks, "the River"


Last edited by Naeryn on Tue May 03, 2005 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 5:48 pm 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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Part Two!





Willow and Tara stood there for a moment, just staring at each other. After awhile, Tara spoke. “Hey, sweetie. You okay? That thing with W-Walsh today was…”

Willow cut her off. “Meaningless.” She reached out with one hand, running it gently from Tara’s shoulder, down her arm. She squeezed her hand gently and pulled Tara into the room. “It doesn’t matter… I don’t want you to think that I still…”

“We went over t-this. I understand.” Tara smiled, a little wistfully.

Willow looked up. “Promise?”

Tara nodded and wrapped her arms tightly around the other woman. “I promise.” She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of this woman in her arms. Her eyes flew open again as she heard the music.

Please, please forgive me
But I won’t be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
Isn’t something missing?


Tara pulled back out of the embrace, looking into Willow’s eyes. “This is how you feel? This is the music you identify with?”

Dumbly, Willow nodded.

“Oh, Will…” gently, she kissed the redhead’s forehead and walked over to the stereo. “I saw that you like E-Evanescence. I found this other s-song that I think… I think says very well how I feel about y-you.” She smiled and hit the stop button, pulling out Willow’s disc.

Willow tilted her head, curious and a little confused.

Tara slipped in the CD, and another song played, just as slow as the first.

I’ve been watching you from a distance
That distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark…


Tara turned around and smiled warmly at Willow, who now had tears in her eyes. The blond’s smile faded. “Oh, sweetie, no. Don’t c-cry…” She stepped forwards, reaching towards her love.

Willow shook her head, smiling through the tears that crept down her cheeks. “No, happy… happy tears. It’s just… it’s amazing that you picked this song, baby. After I saw you there, on the floor, when… you know… well, after I came back here, I played this song. A few times…”

Give unto me your troubles
I’ll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I’ll drink your deadly poison…


Tara smiled again, hugging Willow tightly. “It’s true, you know.” Tara pulled away a little, searching the redhead’s face. “Everything you feel when you feel like that… I would take it from you. In a heartbeat, I’d take that pain from you…” Willow reached out and traced the line of Tara’s cheek and jaw with the very tips of her fingers, barely touching the porcelain skin.

Now both girls had tears running down their faces.

Why should I care if they hurt you?
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you
I’ll save you…


Tara sighed a little. “I n-never… thought anyone would feel l-like this about me.” She bit her lip. “I figured I belonged where I w-was… unloved, unwanted.” She looked down, avoiding Willow’s gaze again. She knew that she hated it when Tara spoke like that, but it was true, and she had to express to Willow the depth of her pain. She felt almost like she was justifying what she’d done to herself, and knew that it wasn’t for Willow that she spoke, but for herself.

Willow closed her eyes. “Baby… you don’t belong there. Not in that dark kind of place… you belong nowhere but right here in my arms.”

Give unto me your troubles
I’ll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I’ll drink your deadly poison…


Gently, Willow draped her arms loosely around Tara’s neck and pulled the blond close. Lips connected for the first time, and thunder sounded in the ears of both young women. Neither was sure who deepened the kiss, only that suddenly their tongues engaged in a dance that filled them both with peace and raging fire. Bodies pressed tightly together, forcing what few molecules of air that remained between them out and away. A heartbeat later, the kiss broke mutually. Willow smiled up at Tara. “Coffee?”

Give unto me your troubles
I’ll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I’ll drink your deadly poison…

_________________
Don't you sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied, choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides - Garth Brooks, "the River"


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2005 9:31 pm 
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Your story is awesome. I love LOVE it. And any story with that many references to Evanescence and Amy Lee has my complete attention. :applause :bow :dance :flower :glasses :clap

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2005 3:20 am 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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Ack! How it is I miss so many updates at once? The notify got lost on the way to my mail. :sob So bad.
Well, the chap when Willow shoo Tara nad confess and all. Man! That was so sweet and adorable and beautiful ( I wanted to cry) And the 'how to tell them' Willow put on in her mind was funny (With Giles the British man the most hilarious).
Next chapters with Buffy around and Willow trying to cope with the still hurting feeling about Oz, trying to reafirm her new status with Tara were easy to read. I supose the higher point of the story is still way to come. Hope this time it wont hurt Tara (I have the vibes, poor Tara will suffer a little...I pray to be wrong)

Keep the story up, great work.


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2005 7:45 am 
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15. Apple Sauce & Tuna
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Posts: 2188
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Wow..just simply wow..these past updates have been so amazing and so powerful I don't even know where to begin. You've made Tara's emotion so raw and so vunerable and Willow responding to that is so lovable. Wonderful. Love sam xx

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler. [Evan Rachel Wood]

Credit for icon: lj user crazedxinsanity


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2005 4:11 pm 
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Axel_Avalon - Hey, an Evanescence fan! Amy Lee is so gorgeous... anyway. I'm glad you like it so much. Yay for smilies!

viximon - I'm glad you liked Willow's little thought-babble. I thought I needed to lighten the mood a little, and that seemed to be a good way to do it without destroying the moment. I imagine Tara will suffer a little, yes, as all characters do, but after this chapter I hope for most of her suffering to be over. And soon my other reason for giving Tara scars shall be revealed... :-D

sam - I'm glad you like it! Yes, Tara is very vulnerable, but I thought that was fitting. After all - she is, at least with Willow. And how else would Willow react but to love her more for it?

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
*Nor do I have any rights to bic lighters.*
Notes: The biggest angst warning you can imagine times two. Tara’s entire painful history is written here… and if you can’t handle very descriptive emotional and physical pain, I’d suggest that you get the hell out. Plus, a very mushy ending. I’m a sucker for the mushy endings.





Willow smiled over at Tara, tilting her head to momentarily rest her head on the taller woman’s shoulder. She couldn’t believe how much she loved this woman already, they’d known each other for such a short time.

The two girls’ hands found each other, fingers twining together as they walked down the street towards the Espresso Pump. Willow looked over at the blond by her side. The closer they got to the coffee shop, the more Tara seemed to withdraw from her. What’s up with her? She said she needed to talk, but what could it be? She obviously doesn’t want to talk about it, whatever it is…

Tara was equally lost in thought, eyes cast down at the cement passing beneath her feet. I don’t want to tell her. Can’t we just stay like we are, and not worry about the future, or the past, or anything except us, together, right now? She sighed inwardly. No. We can’t. It’ll come out eventually, and if she finds out that way… besides. If it’s going to end between us, I’d rather have it be now than after I’ve fallen even harder for her than I already have. I’d say it isn’t possible, but I just know that something will happen to make that a lie. Even all of that aside, it’s best to tell her before she goes and tells her friends about us…

The Espresso Pump loomed ahead menacingly, or it seemed so to Tara. She knew that once she stepped inside, that would be it. She would have to tell all. She knew that once she was done, she would want nothing more than to run and hide in Willow’s arms… but would they still be there for her to hide in? She hoped so. She desperately hoped so.

Willow and Tara stepped together from the sidewalk to the linoleum floor of the coffee shop. It had only two walls, the other two sides were open to the air. It was something they’d both loved about the place. Willow turned to face Tara. “Grab us a table, baby? I’ll get us a couple of mochas.” Tara nodded stiffly and turned away, squeezing her eyes shut. Maybe if I wish hard enough, it won’t be true…

The redhead walked away, up towards the counter. “Two extra large double double mochas please.” She looked over at Tara, who seemed to be looking anywhere but at Willow. Her eyes focused on the blond. She seems so nervous. I wonder what she can have to say to me? I know she said it’s about her past, but she seems almost… afraid.

When the guy came back, she took the two cups and walked over to Tara. She’d chosen a table in the corner, by the two existent walls of the shop. She sat down across from her.

Tara looked up sharply, carefully avoiding Willow’s eyes. In a weak attempt to make light, she smiled – it didn’t reach her eyes. “Mocha?”

Willow nodded and pushed one cup towards her. A brief silence as both young women sipped their drinks, and then the redhead spoke. “Tara… we were fine, back in my dorm room. The closer we got to here, the more tense and apprehensy you got.” She took a breath and held up her hand when Tara would have spoken. “I just… whatever it is, you don’t have to talk about it. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to tell me. If you need to wait, think about it or whatever, that’s fine. I can wait. I’ll listen, but only if you’re sure you want me to.”

Tara squeezed her eyes shut. “I do. I mean… I don’t, not really. But I have to.” She paused, screwing up her courage. “Willow… I’m a demon.”

Willow’s eyes flew open as she searched Tara’s face. The blond willed herself to meet her love’s eyes for what she feared might be the last time. “That’s why.” She gestured faintly towards her wrist, so faintly that someone not paying as close attention to her as Willow was would likely have missed it. “Or partially why. It… see, when I t-turn twenty… that’s n-next year… it’ll… come out.” She took a deep breath, willing herself to stop shaking. She wasn’t really sure when she’d started. “It’s what happened to my m-mother. All the women in m-my family. That’s why… why dad and D-Donnie…”

Willow’s eyes narrowed. “Why they hit you? To keep the demon at bay?”

Tara nodded.

Willow closed her eyes and bit her lip. She seemed to be thinking about something. Here it comes. ‘Tara, I can’t be with you. I can’t be with someone who isn’t even human…’ Tara looked down at her hands where her fingers were playing tag with each other. “No.”

She looked up sharply. “W-what?”

“No. I don’t believe it. For one thing, I’ve done a lot of research on demons. A LOT of research. I’ve never heard of any kind that lies dormant until the twentieth birthday, never heard of one that looks 100% human… and certainly not one that can be controlled by domestic abuse.” Willow shook her head confidently. “I don’t believe it. I think your family is just crazy, and that’s just some story to keep the ego-inflated testosterone types in charge. When really, they should all be locked up. Either jail or an institution, I’m not sure which. Maybe they could go to both, kind of like joint custody. You know, a week here, a week there…”

Tara’s eyes filled with tears as she heard Willow’s words. They made so much… sense. Could it be true? But then… where does the magic come from? Tara sighed, her brief flash of hope gone.

“No, W-Willow. I am… I have to b-be.”

“Why?”

“M-magic. I do m-magic. Where else could it c-come from?”
Willow stared at her a moment, then smiled, and finally burst out laughing. She quickly stopped though when she saw the hurt look on the face she loved so much. “Baby… I’m not a demon. I do magic too. We haven’t really talked about that, I wanted to… Well, I thought maybe we could do a spell together or something. That’s beside the point though, see, having magic doesn’t mean you’re a demon. I know for a fact that I’m not, and I can still do spells. I mean, not really well, most of my potions turn out soup, plus the nosebleeds…” she shook her head. “I still don’t believe it. I think you’ve been through a really rough time, with a nutjob father and whoever this Donnie guy is…” she trailed off as she saw Tara’s pained look.

“D-D-Donnie is… my brother.”

“Oh, Tara…” Willow got up and stepped around the table, wrapping her arms tightly around the blond. “Where was your mother for all this? Didn’t she try and stop any of it?”

Tara bit her lip. “I… Even if I’m not a d-demon,” She paused, thinking. Is that even possible? Is it… how can I not be? She smiled a little, allowing herself to believe that Willow just might be right. After all, she’d always known her father and brother were chauvenists, and she wouldn't put it past them to spin a tale like that. “I still have to tell y-you about my p-past. My c-childhood.” Willow sat back down, nodding. “I’ve always b-been abused. From the time I was f-five, I was told that I w-was bad. E-e-e-e-e-evil.” She stuttered heavily over the word, having to force it between her teeth. Willow’s hand snaked across the table, fingers twining with Tara’s. Gently, her thumb began caressing the palm of Tara’s hand. “I never t-thought to question it. My m-mother believed it too, about m-me, about her. Whenever Dad or D-Donnie would start to… she would s-step in. Literally, she’d make them g-go after her instead of me. She taught me spells, magic, healing and protection mostly. Taught me all about W-Wicca. ‘An it harm none, do what ye will’. I always thought… I never understood how something that seemed so good could come from a place of darkness, inside her, inside me. But hearing it enough… I started not only to believe it, but to… feel it.”

Tears began to ease themselves out from Tara’s eyes, inching their way down her cheeks to be wiped away by Willow’s hand. How can I just tell her all of this? Why am I giving her this? She could just use it against me, everyone else... but she's not like everyone else, is she?

The redhead remained silent, letting Tara speak. She noticed she’d stopped stuttering once she’d really started talking. How long has she needed to talk about this? How long has she kept all of this pain hidden? Willow wondered silently.

“I could feel it inside me. The darkness, moving… alive. The more I felt it, the more I knew I deserved… what I got. What they gave me. It started to feel like it wasn’t enough. Not what I went through at home, not what the kids at school gave me. They threw things, you know. They um… they didn’t like me. I was too shy, too introverted. They threw things, and called me names, and Donnie made it worse. But not worse enough. Nothing was bad enough, because I was… bad. Wrong.”

Willow sighed, barely audibly. Those were the words she’d used to describe herself before, when Willow had seen her like that, half naked and bleeding…

“So I… I started to hurt myself. First I just… I threw myself into walls and things. I was literally beating myself up over it. Whenever I did badly at something, whenever I’d feel that surge of darkness in me…

“That’s how it started, anyway. With that darkness. Soon I started getting down on myself in other ways. I told myself I was stupid, fat, ugly… I was bulimic for awhile, but couldn’t really keep it up. It didn’t hurt enough. After beating myself came cutting. First just little scratches, the paper towel dispenser along my arm when I went to the bathroom at school, a loose staple sticking out of the table in the art room, things like that. It wasn’t enough for very long though. It got worse… it always gets worse. I took to cutting myself, really drawing blood. I… I burnt myself too. My hips, mostly. There are a bunch of marks there… but I stopped that after awhile, only the little bic lighters worked well and they cost too much to keep replacing. Through it all, Dad and Donnie made me their slave. I did all the chores, I cooked, I cleaned… if I did something wrong, I paid for it. I’d get beaten, and once…” She bit off the sentence. “My… Dad, he…”

Willow was fighting back tears of her own, feeling acutely the pain that Tara described. If only I could take that away from her… She swallowed hard. “Love… did he… did he rape you?” Tara nodded slowly, and Willow couldn’t hold back the floodgates any longer. Tears fell freely from her eyes. If he comes near her again, I will kill him… dismember, at the very least. One 'member' in particular. Tara drew a shuddering breath, closing her eyes for a moment before continuing.

“It went on like that for awhile. My style changed… I stopped wearing anything but long skirts or pants and long sleeved shirts, to cover the wounds. I learned pretty quickly that the wrist was a bad place to do it, it’s too noticeable. I cut just about everywhere I could reach… well, you saw, you know. In some ways it was the worst time of my life. And in some ways…” her already quiet voice dropped to a whisper. “It was the best. It made everything easier to deal with. All I had to do was bleed a little and that darkness would go away, everything anyone had said to me to make me feel horrible… it was all true. But I’d punished myself for it, so I could put it away and it didn’t matter anymore. The pain never stayed away, of course… but it left for awhile, long enough for me to take a breath and gather the courage to step back into the world again.

“Kids at school found out. I got called a psycho, a freak… I had some people ask me why I hadn’t… why I didn’t just… kill myself and…” She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. “Just make it better for everyone. I even… I almost tried, once. Took a bunch of sleeping pills…but I stopped myself before I took enough… I was just knocked out for a few hours, and I had a bad headache when I woke up. After that… I got worse. My cutting, I mean… I told myself I was weak. I don’t know if I meant because I tried to kill myself or because I failed to…

“When I was seventeen, my mom died. Cancer. She wasted away… we knew it was coming for months, but it still felt sudden. I didn’t realize how much she’d done for me, how much she’d protected me… the beatings got worse. I learned that there were other people who did what I did, people who… hurt themselves. Self-injurers, or self-harmers… some people even did things like cutting words into their skin. I tried that, after mom died. After my life went from bad to worse. I couldn’t do it though… I couldn’t cut slow enough to make the word… I tried to carve ‘worthless’ into my thigh.”

Tara looked up again, meeting Willow’s eyes. “It was just shy of a year later that I ran away. Packed up a couple of boxes, called a cab to meet me at the end of the street, and left in the middle of the night. I haven’t seen my family since…” She dropped her gaze again, focusing on the mochas that sat, forgotten, in front of the two young women.

A heavy silence descended as they both fought their own pain. Finally, with a gasping sob, Tara broke. She’d managed to keep most of her tears at bay through her exhausting speech, but could do it no longer. She dropped her head to the table, her breath coming in shuddering gasps as she cried.

Willow quickly hurried around the table, knocking her stool over in the process. She laid one hand lightly on Tara’s back. The blond turned and leaned into Willow, burying her face in the redhead’s shoulder. Willow’s arms wrapped tightly around her, clutching her desperately. Oh love… I wish you’d never had to go through that. Any of that…

*****

Tara lay on her bed, wrapped in loose flannel pajamas. Her eyes were red and swollen, she felt like she hadn’t any more tears to shed. Willow had already called Buffy and told her she’d be gone all night… studying, she’d said, with Tara. She was just out changing into one of Tara’s spare nightgowns.

The door opened slowly. “Tara?” Willow sounded hesitant. “Are you decent?”

“Mmm hmm…” Tara’s voice was dull and apathetic.

Willow stepped in and closed the door behind her, quickly closing the distance between herself and the bed. She sat on the end, one foot pulled up underneath her. She appeared pensive for a moment, and then she spoke again. “Tara… why didn’t you tell me about any of this before? Why didn’t you tell me that you hurt yourself, that you were in so much pain?”

Tara bit her lip. “I was… I was afraid that if you knew… who I was, what I’d done… that you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me.”

Willow sighed. “See, that’s where you’re a dummy.” She stretched out on the bed beside Tara, resting one hand lightly on the blond’s stomach. “I look at what you grew up with, and then I look at what you are… it makes me proud. It makes me love you more.” She leant over and pressed her lips gently against Tara’s.

Tara smiled faintly. “Every time I…” She paused and closed her eyes, trying to find the right words. “Even when I’m at my worst, you always make me feel special. How do you do that?”

Willow smiled and pulled her closer. “Magic.”

Tara shifted a little so she could rest her head on Willow’s chest. “Goddess, Will… I love you, so much.”

Willow kissed the top of Tara’s head lightly. “I love you too, baby.” Tara closed her eyes.

“Sweetie… you know, it’s… it’s strange. When you… when you hold me, like this… I can’t feel it.”

Lightly, the redhead ran the tips of her fingers over Tara’s arm. “Can’t feel what, baby?”

“The darkness… when I’m with you, it’s not there anymore. I don’t need to… I don’t need to hurt to make it go away.” Tara clutched the redhead tighter and took a deep breath, drifting off to sleep to the sound of the redhead’s heartbeat.

_________________
Don't you sit upon the shoreline and say you're satisfied, choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides - Garth Brooks, "the River"


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2005 10:13 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey
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Hey :wave

Quote:
You know, I always love your feedback... the updates should slow down a bit after this, this is the last chapter I've had prewritten.

Thanks! :D I trying to improve on my lurkiness, which tends to kick in every now and then. And also I try to take my time when I have it (or when I don't have it - like now when I'm supposed to be writing a 1st draft of an essay lol) and leave the best feedback I can manage to write. :)

Don't worry about the updates and it slowing down. Kittens can be patient...right kittens? :eyebrow :p

You know what I really loved in this update?
Quote:
Tara squeezed her eyes shut. “I do. I mean… I don’t, not really. But I have to.” She paused, screwing up her courage. “Willow… I’m a demon.”

How Tara is so straightforward with Willow. Not that I'm saying she isn't in other fics, or in the show, but I'd call this refreshing. :) How she (in her own head) thinks she might very well lose Willow by telling her all, but still she takes the plunge and dives right into it before she gets more attached and in love. Painful for her yes - with the possible thought of losing Willow, but being honest like that with Willow, it's nice. :)

And this:
Quote:
“No. I don’t believe it. For one thing, I’ve done a lot of research on demons. A LOT of research. I’ve never heard of any kind that lies dormant until the twentieth birthday, never heard of one that looks 100% human… and certainly not one that can be controlled by domestic abuse.” Willow shook her head confidently. “I don’t believe it. I think your family is just crazy, and that’s just some story to keep the ego-inflated testosterone types in charge. When really, they should all be locked up. Either jail or an institution, I’m not sure which. Maybe they could go to both, kind of like joint custody. You know, a week here, a week there…”

I couldn't have said it better myself! :bounce I almost cheered, but then that would have woken up the family. :p

About the darkness Tara thinks she has/had inside her. Everyone has a darker side to them, the side of them where they keep their anger/sadness. I mean, who doesn't? Even the most kind-hearted of souls like Tara would. Especially when she's experienced so much pain and sorrow. That darkens a person. But I think it also improves people; to experience pain you do find out what it's like, and if you're a good person, you'll keep that experience with you in life, and try to be as good to others as you can. Anyway, that's my thougths about this at least.

God, poor Tara. :spin Raped by her own dad. An evil, chauvenistic dad and brother, but still...whoa. :| There's no doubt about it that Tara is definately not weak, but very very strong. I soo understand Willow's thoughts when Tara admitted to her dad doing that to her. :mad I know if someone had ever done something like that to for example my little sister :angry I'd be plotting his torture & death, whether he came after her or not. :happy And that's "just" my sister.

It had a nice, calmed, and soothing end to it. :) And the end talk, with what Willow and Tara said to each other in the end of "Family" mixed into it - nice and mushy. :D

Liv

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the universe. - Einstein
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. - Rochefoucauld
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us. - R.W.Emerson
Everything is relative. - Einstein (Except for ”absolute truths”)

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 5:33 am 
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Ack! Again, no mail to notice me the update. What's wrong? :|
Anyway. I read the chap at time. Tara really needed to spoke her past and emotions out. I think she was so brave explaining all that to Willow. And Willow was just the right chanderkierf.
Lovely chap, keep the story up. Good wok


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 12:39 pm 
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Still Waters T - Well, I am very appreciative of your feedback. Yay for skiving off homework!

I'm glad you appreciated Tara's honesty. That's one thing I've noticed about her, in most cases she seems to be forthright and open, though of course, very tactful. It seems to me to be an insult to her; I feel she would have been more honest with Willow. Yes, everyone has some degree of darkness. There's a real psychology to it, and if you hear the same things enough, without anything countering it, you're pretty much bound to start believing it. Tara is strong - and of course, I'm going to use Willow to show her that. And I always loved the dialogue at the end of Family.

viximon - chanderkierf? Anyway, I'm glad you liked it!

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: This is the way things SHOULD have happened. None of this freaking out bullshit. Not much W/T in this update, sorry guys. And yes, 'beating around the bush' IS a well-timed lesbian joke.




Tara’s eyes fluttered open. Her head lay on someone’s stomach, her hand rested on the far hip, and the person’s arm was wrapped around her shoulders. Tara inhaled deeply, smiling. Willow. She lifted her head gently from the redhead’s stomach, propping herself up on her arms to watch her sleep. She settled herself back down again, resting her head on her hand, and ran her other hand from Willow’s cotton-clad hip up her side to her shoulder. She lightly caressed her cheek with the very tips of her fingers, content for the moment with just that delicate touch.

Willow gave a sleepy smile, opening her eyes slowly. “Hey baby. Feeling better?”

Tara nodded, blushing a little, and drew her hand away. “I’m sorry about that… I um, I sort of broke down. I didn’t mean to do that… I didn’t even mean to… to tell you that much.”

Emerald eyes looked away. “Do you regret it?”

The blond shook her head vigorously. “No… I don’t. I thought I would, but… you… you seem to understand.”

“I’ve told you… I do.” Willow brought her eyes back to Tara’s. “Baby… all I want from now on is to make sure you never feel like that again.” She reached for Tara’s hand, holding it tightly in her own. “You deserve so much better than that. Really.”

“I’m almost starting to believe it.” Tara inched closer, pressing her lips lightly against Willow’s. “I’m just… I’m kind of scared.”

“Why, baby?”

Tara bit her lip. “I know I shouldn’t be… I know you would… you wouldn’t do… but I am. It’s just, you haven’t… told your friends about us, and…”

“You think it means I’m not committed.” Willow sighed. “Baby… I’m going to tell them today. I promise. I’m committed. I’m a commit-a-thon.”

A quiet giggle broke from the blond’s lips. A breif pause, and then she spoke again. “Um… sweetie, it’s… I don’t want to go, but… It’s, um, eight already, and I have class in half an hour.”

Willow smiled. “It’s okay. I’ll catch you after class… besides, I’m not 100% on how people are going to take the news… I think it might be best if you showed up… well, later.”

Tara nodded and heaved herself out of bed, followed quickly by Willow, who grabbed her clothes and headed for the bathroom.

*****

Willow fell backwards onto her bed, her calves hanging off the end and her arms flung up over her head. I have to tell Buffy, at least. She’d kill me if I didn’t tell her first… But how? She had no more time to think about it, however, as just at that moment, the door swung open and the Slayer entered the room.

“Hey Will.” Buffy wore a big smile, until she saw the redhead’s serious look. “Hey… what’s up?”

“Buffy… we need to talk.” Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, this is it. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god… She took a deep breath.

Buffy came and sat down on the bed next to Willow as her friend sat up. “This has serious sound. Why the serious?”

Willow bit her lip. “Because this is kind of a serious thing. I mean… You must have noticed that since Oz left, I’ve been kind of… well, depressed.”

The blond nodded, her brow furrowing in concern. What is this about?

“Well… I’m not so depressed anymore.” Buffy made to speak, but Willow held up her hand to silence her. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. You know how Oz was gone a lot… well… I think we were on the way out. We weren’t going to last much longer. I knew it… I think I was so depressed just because… well… because it ended the way it did. Because it involved… a third party, instead of just the two of us deciding it was time to go our separate ways, you know?”

Buffy nodded again, her frown deepening a little more. Willow was beating around the bush. Usually she did her babbling after she dug herself into a hole, not before.

“So… I’m not so depressed about it anymore. But if not for… certain people, I would be, still. Probably even more. And… well… this particular person I’m thinking of has helped me in… an unusual way.”

At first the Slayer thought that Willow was alluding to herself, but realized that she wouldn’t be talking about ‘unusual ways’ – her ways were entirely usual. She decided to cut to the thick of it. “Will… what’s is it?”

Willow took a deep breath. “It’s… um… well, it’s Tara. She’s… I’m… I… I love her, Buffy. I’m in love with her.” The redhead seemed to brace herself, clenching her hands tightly together.

Buffy seemed to consider this for a moment, then she spoke up. “Well… honestly Will, I don’t think I’m surprised. I thought there was something… unconventional about you two. I mean, no, I didn’t know… but I knew there was something I didn’t know. You know? It was just kinda obvious that you two were close.” She paused. “Be prepared for a lot of jokes from Xander though. And I think Giles will be cleaning his glasses a lot more…”

Willow grinned and threw her arms around her friend. “Thanks Buff. I was afraid you wouldn’t be cool with it.”

“You kidding? As long as you’re happy, Will. You are happy, right? This isn’t some brainwashy thing?” When Willow shook her head, Buffy smiled. “Well then, I’m of the cool. Hey, if I can accept Xander dating Anya, of all… people…”

Willow laughed. “Yeah, I should have known you’d be fine with it. I’m hugely worried about telling my parents though. I mean, Ira Rosenberg’s only daughter, a lesbian? And he thought the crucifixes were bad. Plus, my mom the psychologist… ten to one says she claims it’s a phase and completely refuses to acknowledge Tara.”

Buffy sighed. “Yeah, you’re in for some rough waters there… but hey, at least you’ll have me and Tara to back you up. And Xander to lighten the mood with random jokes. And Anya to make incredibly crude statements that make it a hundred times worse.”

Willow nodded. “I can’t tell them yet though. They’re in… uh… Madrid? I think. I’m not really sure. Might’ve been Prague…”

“So Will… is that what you’ve been doing in Tara’s room? I didn’t think you were studying.”

Buffy ducked several pillows, laughing happily.

“So, you were of the happy when you came in. What’s up with you now?”

The blond licked her lips, grinning. “Riley. It’s nothing big, but… well, we’re going out for coffee. The official getting-to-know-you-prelude-to-a-date drink of choice.”

Willow threw her arms around Buffy again. “Yay for you!”

*****

The gang sat in Giles’ living room, all but two of them were curious. Willow had only ever called a Scooby meeting when they were all there anyway.

Giles spoke first. “So Willow, have you, er, seen something odd?”

“Yeah Will, do we need to get researchy? Mount up for heavy patrol?” Xander piped up, sounding a little too eager. Willow quirked an eyebrow at him. “What? The basement gets… well, there’s the yelling, and the smell. Not altogether pleasant.”

“Yes. We need a better place to have sex.” Four pairs of eyes focused on Anya, one of them quickly becoming de-spectacled. “What? It’s true. The candles set off the cat urine on the hot plate.”

“No, Xander. No extra patrolling or anything. This is just… well, it’s not so much a Scooby thing as a needing the friends thing.” Buffy spoke on Willow’s behalf. Smiling supportively, she squeezed the redhead’s shoulder before shutting up and letting her take it.

“Um, well… you guys have all met Tara, right? Only Buffy and Xander have seen her anything approaching often, but… well, I think that’s going to, um, change. I’ve told her about the slaying thing, vampires and all of that…” Willow bit her lip and took a deep breath.

Xander grinned. “So we’re getting a new Scooby? Ooh, can I play with her?” Willow fixed him with a glare, and Anya smacked his shoulder. He quickly went on the defensive. “Play, like in training! Not like… uh… training!”

Willow sighed, smiling over at the blond beside her. Buffy was good at being supporto-gal, and she was completely in that role right now. “It’s okay Will. Just tell them.”

So Willow told them. “I’m… in a relationship with Tara. I’m gay, and… and I’m in love with her.”

Predictably, Giles immediately removed his glasses and polished them on his tie. Xander stared at her blankly, and Anya declared, “I knew it!” with a self-satisfied grin.

Once again, four pairs of eyes stared at Anya. “You uh, knew? How is that?” Giles quested, returning his glasses to their rightful place.

“Oh please. Tara was playing with her hair! Willow touched her somehow every chance she got… how did you all miss it? Well, except you Willow. You obviously didn’t miss it.”

Willow rolled her eyes. Crude, horribly inappropriate… but incredibly perceptive. Xander has the weirdest taste in women…

Buffy smiled and squeezed Willow’s shoulder again. “See? Told you they’d be fine with it. Sure there’s a little shock… but hey. We’re all cool with it.” She turned and glared at the other three. “Right?”

Xander swallowed and nodded quickly, Anya seemed oblivious as she added her agreement, along with a few choice comments about ‘pointers’, and Giles – pointedly ignoring Anya, for his own sanity’s sake – also added his support.

“Of course Willow. It doesn’t change anything, you’re still the same person. Just… uh…”

“Playing for the other team?”

“As usual Anya, that was likely the most crude thing you could have said.”

“No, I could have said -”

“Please stop.”

Willow looked around at the three in the room, the interplay between Giles and Anya and Xander, sitting there, apparently lost in some obscene fantasy judging by the drool inching from the corner of his mouth, and burst out laughing.

When everyone – save Buffy – looked at her in curiosity, she explained it away saying only, “I love you guys.”

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2005 6:01 pm 
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Yep definately none of the freaking out BS, but Buffy did get over the freaking out bit fairly quickly though on the show. :) But I like this better. Reminds me of when I told my friend Linda about me lol. From what I remember she was all supportive :) even thought it was cool! :lol Friends can really surprise you sometimes, or people in general.

I've always thought of Buffy as the type of friend that'll always be there for Willow, ok so she can get a little hung up onherself sometimes, but I think she's way smarter than she was portrayed, and more perceptive (although a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but I think the majority of people are like that). Your Buffy and Willow seem closer in this fic than on the show where they drifted apart during season 4.

The interactions between Willow and Tara are the best. :D And just the right amount of mushyness when needed. :x So Tara needed some kind of proof that Willow truly is being serious about their relationship? Understandable that she'll need something tangible to hold onto, in order for her not to start the doubting again. From her history with her family and people in school, and everything I would get why. Donno if I would have had the courage to tell my friends that soon if it'd been me, but I'm glad Willow told Buffy so soon, and then the rest of the Scoobies right after.

I'm not surprised by Anya's perceptiveness. She always has been the straight-to-the-point, honest, smart, and incredibly perceptive one of the group. She's one of my favorites cos of it! :D

Xander's reaction was dead-on lol. Very typically him. He's not the brightest of the group, but he'll always...err or most of the time (having flashbacks to Becoming when he's supposed to deliver Willow's message, but tells Buffy to kick Angel's ass).

Great update!

Liv

_________________
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity...and I'm not sure about the universe. - Einstein
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves. - Rochefoucauld
What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters to what lies within us. - R.W.Emerson
Everything is relative. - Einstein (Except for ”absolute truths”)

Avi made by gingerafros


Last edited by Still Waters T on Sat May 07, 2005 6:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2005 2:19 am 
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That went well. All take it cool. Luckly.
Now is time to Tara meet as know the scoobies better and all. You know, get along, know each other yada yada.
At last seems like the relationship is going full steam ahead at the good direction. I'm so happy for them. No more problems between our witches...or not.
Continue soon :clap

PS: Uops, I did mean handkerchief :p


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2005 7:38 am 
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Absolutely amazing :x Love sam xx

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2005 10:15 am 
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Okay...finally got a couple of minutes to give some feedback. Sorry for the delay.

I've really been enjoying your telling of this story. Though it is certainly painful at times, and it brings up some of my own painful memories, I think you've really tapped into something real here with Tara and Willow. I'm sure you will stay true to that throughout the fic.

Things seem to be moving forward nicely for our girls. But I can also see some more pain and angst on the horizon. And I don't think that would be a bad thing. Tara and Willow have each struggled with their own (metaphorical) demons in their lives. And, as much as we would all like to believe it, someone simply saying "I love you" doesn't make those demons instantly go away. It's a long road to walk. But, I have no doubt, that Willow and Tara can walk that road together and heal themselves...and each other.

Looking forward to the next update.

Carleen

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sat May 07, 2005 11:33 am 
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Hey Naeryn

You've got a wonderful story going on here. I like how you've developed all the characters and where you're taking them. I especially like how don't shy away from the darkness and pain that lies within Tara because of her upbringing. It's something thats very real to so many people, even if not on the same level, and yet not many authors touch the subject. I appreciate you writing this.

I apologise for not leaving feedback sooner and for not being more elaborate but I honestly can't find the words to express how great this is.


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 8:26 pm 
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Still Waters T - Always the first response, huh? That's precisely what I wanted, Buffy and Willow to be closer. I know they grew apart in season four, what I didn't know was WHY. I didn't see any reason for it, it didn't make sense to me. Thus, fixage. Again, I didn't see why Willow wouldn't tell Buffy, especially since, in my fic, they haven't grown apart. And of course Anya was perceptive! I'm going to be doing a little something to restore Xander to his loveable self too. I'm glad you're enjoying the fic!

viximon - yes, Tara + Scooby time will be soon!

sam - Glad you like!

GayNow - don't worry about delayage Car, it's all good. Yes, it's a bit of a painful story - to tell, as well as to read - but that's kind of the point. I certainly hope to stay true to the girls!
Yes, pain and angst looms - what else is new? Absolutely, 'I love you' doesn't make it go away - but it can help. You're right, they have a lot of healing to do - and how else would they walk that road but together?

HalfCamel - I do tend to jump right in to the dark side of things, don't I? Yes, I write angst. A lot of angst. I'm glad you appreciate it! I feel so loved ^^. And don't worry about the not leaving feedback thing. I'm absolutely horrible about getting around to that part myself.

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: Angst rears it’s ugly head again – don’t tell me you didn’t see it coming! Oh, and for clarification, as much as for me as for you - Willow and Tara have been dating for four days by the end of this update.




There was a knock at the door. Quickly, Giles pulled himself out of his easy chair and strode towards the door. Seeing who was on the other side, he smiled, somewhat awkwardly. “Hello Tara.”

Tara smiled weakly and leaned in, peering around Giles to look at the scoobies, all of whom were looking at her. Giles stepped back and to the side, allowing the blond to enter. She bit her hip apprehensively and crossed the threshold, gaze cast firmly at her feet. She let her hair drape around her face, crossing her hands in front of her, over her chest and leaning back in a demure, shy posture.

Willow stood a moment after she walked in, walking around the couch and over to the young woman. Gingerly, she reached out and tucked two fingers under her chin. “Hey, hey… look at me, baby.”

“I’m s-sorry Will, I shouldn’t have m-made you t-tell…” Tara carefully avoided Willow’s gaze.

The blond’s efforts were fruitless, Willow bobbed her head around, placing herself in Tara’s line of vision. “I had to tell them anyway. They’re cool about it, really. And I promise that they’re gonna love you as much as I do when they get to know you better. Well, not quite as much as I do. I don’t think anyone could match that – and in a very different way, you know, ‘cause they’re not allowed to love you that way, that part’s mine…”

Tara smiled and looked up a little, tears stinging her eyes. She unfolded one of her arms and pressed two fingers against Willow’s lips, silencing the impending babble. She leaned forwards, replacing her fingers with her lips in a single chaste kiss.

“Awww!” Buffy and Xander exclaimed together, breaking the moment. Tara recrossed her arms and looked down again, blushing, and Willow laughed, wrapping her arms tightly around the embarrassed blond.

“Coffee time, baby?” Tara nodded and slipped one arm around Willow’s waist, hugging her close. Willow’s arms shifted so one hung at her side, the other draped loosely about Tara’s shoulders. “See you guys… and thanks again, for being so understanding, being all cool about it. Don’t rub a hole in your glasses, Giles.” She smiled over at the Brit, who’d begun cleaning his glasses again when the girls had kissed.

The two turned and headed out the door. Xander jumped up off the chair he occupied and hurried after them. Anya looked disgruntled. “Xander, stop being distracted by the lesbians!”

Xander stepped outside, closing Giles’ front door behind him. “Hey, Will!” he called out softly. The redhead turned around. At Xander’s beckoning motion, she planted a light kiss on Tara’s cheek and headed back down into the courtyard.

“What’s up, Xand?"

The young man pulled Willow into a tight embrace. “Will… I haven’t seen much of her, but she’s… she’s something special.”

Willow cast her eyes back up at the waiting blond, nodding, her eyes clouded over a little. “Yeah, she is…”

“Take care of her, Willow.”

She smiled brightly. “I plan to.” She hugged Xander again and hurried back up to Tara. Xander shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, watching the two walk away, quite obviously in love. Tara, you’d better take care of her.

With that final thought, he gave a half smile and turned to walk back inside.

*****

Tara sat on her bed, running her fingers absentmindedly through Willow’s hair. The redhead lay with her head in Tara’s lap, grinning happily. “I can’t believe they were that cool about it. Though, then… looking at some of the people they’ve dated… Buffy dating a vampire, Xander seems to attract nothing but demon women and Cordelia – and I’ve always had a little trouble discerning the difference between the two.”

Tara smiled and bent forwards, kissing Willow deeply. “I’m glad they were um, okay with it.” A lopsided grin took over her face. “Because I like Buffy and Xander and Mr. Giles… I’d like to spend more time with them. And um, I don’t think I’d be able to keep my hands off you for um, very long.”

Willow’s jaw fell open jokingly. “Why Miss Maclay! Are you trying to seduce me?”

Tara blushed and bit her lip. “Maybe a little…”

The redhead smiled and lifted her head a little, wrapping one hand in the collar of Tara’s shirt and pulling the other woman down for a deep kiss. “Mmm… I don’t think I have any objections.”

Suddenly nervous, Tara pulled herself away from Willow and got up. Willow frowned, wondering what was wrong. “Baby?”

“I’m s-sorry Will, it’s just… I c-can’t. Not yet.”

Willow sighed, hearing her stutter. She hadn’t stuttered when it was just the two of them for awhile, and she was sad hearing it return. She stood up and walked over to Tara and hugged her tightly. “It’s okay baby. We were just joking, right? Flirting, that’s all. I’m not going to push anything.” She kissed her lightly on the forehead, running one finger lightly over Tara’s cheek. Willow’s hand slid lightly down the blond’s neck, across her collarbone and down her arm. Gently, she pushed her sleeve up a little, running her thumb lightly over the scars there. “And if it’s about these… I’ve told you. They don’t matter to me. They only make you more beautiful.”

Tara nodded, but pulled her arm away from Willow, crossing both in front of her. A bunch of ugly scars, how could they make me beautiful? I’m not beautiful. She’s just making fun of me. But no, this is Willow. She wouldn’t do that, she’s not like that. But what if she is? What if it’s all been… no, she told her friends. She wouldn’t have done that if it were just… but I’m still the first. What if she just hasn’t paid enough attention yet? What if she finds someone else…? Tara’s thoughts agitated her. She hated that she still didn’t trust Willow, even when she trusted her with everything.

Seeing Tara pull away, Willow dropped her head, sighing again. “Maybe I should just go…” She walked quickly to the door, grabbing her jacket off the bed as she did so.

“W-W-Willow…” Tara tried to object, but the door had clicked softly shut by the time she’d spoken. She bit her lip and dropped to the floor.

Her limbs started to shake. Oh Goddess, no… not now… She rolled one hand into a fist, biting her lip to try and keep the urge away. Her breathing grew shallow. She tried to force herself to breathe deeply, willing the sensation of blood boiling to ease, to leave her alone. The darkness began to grow, crashing in on her mind in waves. Her other hand began to grope under the bed, reaching for the blade she knew was there.

*****

Willow pulled the door shut behind her, tears already rolling down her face. She doesn’t trust me. Why doesn’t she trust me? She shook her head, crossing her arms in front of her, and started walking down the hallway, kicking herself internally. You know she’s self conscious about her body. You KNOW that. And what do you do? Push it. She sighed, stepping out into the evening. It was starting to get dark, she’d have to hurry back to her dorm.

Moments later, she sat on the end of her bed, lost in thought. Okay, this is no big. You know she has trust issues, it’s not fair to expect her to overcome them all at once just because you say you love her. Chances are she’s heard that said before, and had it not hold true. Why, I have no idea. Who in her right mind would give up Tara? She’s so gorgeous, and sweet, and beautiful, and sexy, with the eyes and the legs and… oookay, Rosenberg, getting distracted. Relationship. Thinking. Okay. So it’s not fair to expect Tara to be all trusty all of a sudden… trusty like trusting, not trusty like ‘she’s my trusty (insert random object here)’ because she’s definitely not an object. Where did ‘trusty’ even come from, anyway? I mean, how can you trust a thing? It’s a thing. It can’t reciprocate the trust, or…Anyway! …Though come to think of it, she’s probably been thought of as one. Given her past, the way she treats herself, the way she looks at herself… I wouldn’t be surprised. Still want to seriously maim her father. Castration is not entirely out of the picture… focus, Will! All right… so, tomorrow. Class. Sit beside Tara. Apologize to Tara. Explain that you understand. Good. Check. Got a plan.
She sighed and flopped back, staring at the ceiling. For once, she didn’t even have her music playing. I’ll make it better tomorrow.

*****

When Willow arrived at the psych room, she observed that Tara was already there. Smiling, she hurried up the steps, seating herself carefully beside her. She turned, the grin still bright on her face. “Morning, Tara.”

Tara bit her lip, praying that Willow wouldn’t touch her. “M-morning.” She looked down at her hands in her lap, overcome with guilt.

A hand reached out and caressed Tara’s cheek. The blond looked up, a little curious, and met understanding green orbs.

“Tara, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I mean, I know that what happened… it doesn’t mean that you don’t trust me. And I know that you probably don’t trust me, not completely.”

Tara opened her mouth to protest, but Willow continued in spite of that. “And Tara, that’s okay. I don’t expect you to suddenly trust me. I know that these things take time, especially with everything you’ve been through. And I’m willing to wait for that, because you’re worth waiting for.”

Willow’s hand dropped from her face to her thigh, and green eyes opened wide as Tara winced. The smile faded from the redhead’s face. “Tara…”

Blue eyes filled with tears as the blond bit her lip. “I’m… I’m sorry W-Willow, I… I know, it’s n-n-not you, I just…”

Willow shook her head gently, pulling the other young woman into a tight hug. “God, baby, I’m so sorry…” She began to rub Tara’s back, holding her close. “After class, I’m taking you back to your room and I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

Tara backed off. “N-no, Willow… don’t. I can’t… I don’t want…”

Concerned eyes looked up, scanning Tara’s face. “What? What is it, baby?”

“I don’t w-want you to see…”

Willow pulled her close again, refusing to let go.

*****

Willow was back in her dorm room, pacing nervously in front of Buffy, who sat on the end of her bed, watching the redhead with one eyebrow raised. “Will, what’s up with the antsy?”

“I… nothing, I just… I don’t know.” I wish I could tell her… But I can’t. It’s not my place. Willow sighed in defeat. “Are you going patrolling? Can I come? I have huge energy that needs to get burny.”

Buffy laughed at her friend’s choice of words. “Sure thing, Will.” She paused. “You know… I’m expecting a big bad to show up soon.”

“Huh? Why?”

The Slayer shrugged. “I dunno. Just always seems to be one. Like some sort of anniversary – one major one every year. There are always a few little ones, but every year… around the same time too. ‘S kinda funny.”

Willow chuckled. “It does seem kind of… scheduled, doesn’t it? Like in the serials. About halfway through any given series, something major happens, it all goes in climax to the last episode or the second to last, and then it’s over until next year.”

The blond nodded her head. “Exactly like that.”

Both girls paused for a moment, considering, then shook it off. Flipping open the lid of her trunk – one so heavy that she shouldn’t have been able to open it in any way that could be considered ‘flip’, Buffy pulled out three stakes, two crosses and a bottle of holy water. Grinning, she tucked the smallest stake into her sleeve and tossed Willow one stake, the water and a cross. “Shall we then?”

“We shall, then.”

Over the next hour and a half, Willow took out her worry and frustration by dusting three vampires, much to the Slayer’s shock and consternation.

“Willow… how did you do that?”

*****

Tara curled up on her bed, one pillow crunched up into her stomach. She felt sick, nauseous. She’d already thrown up twice… she felt so guilty. One stupid little argument… not even a serious thing, and Willow understands, and… and you slipped. Again. She bit her lip and her hand slid down her body to rest on her thigh. She squeezed it, hard, wincing at the pain. She closed her eyes, feeling the burning, tingling sensation wash over her. It hurt – but it was better than the self-loathing she felt otherwise.

She turned her head a little, burying it in the pillow beneath her head, and, in muffled sobs, cried out her anger at herself.

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 9:04 pm 
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Ah yes...bring on the realism. I kinda figured something like this would happen. Definitely more angst ahead. I'm sure the Scoobies will have a big part in helping Tara eventually, but we all know that it will be Willow who serves as Tara's rock. I'm looking forward to watching their relationship develop.

Keep up the good work!

Carleen

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2005 9:22 pm 
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Hey Megan :wave

Let's see if I make it as the 1st to respond this time too. :D

Quote:
Tara smiled and looked up a little, tears stinging her eyes. She unfolded one of her arms and pressed two fingers against Willow’s lips, silencing the impending babble. She leaned forwards, replacing her fingers with her lips in a single chaste kiss.

“Awww!” Buffy and Xander exclaimed together, breaking the moment. Tara recrossed her arms and looked down again, blushing, and Willow laughed, wrapping her arms tightly around the embarrassed blond.


That moment was so cute, and sweet. :x lol and to see the awww I said in my head on...not paper, but screen - lol funny.

This is very insightful as to how people with trust issues like Tara would probably act. And even though they know they still love each other, there's still problems, with trust, and time is a factor too. They haven't known each other that long yet; and some things can only settle with time, when you realize that "no they won't go away no matter what." And Willow will learn what not to say/do around Tara, like referring to Tara's scars, no matter how supportive and loving she was.

Quote:
A hand reached out and caressed Tara’s cheek. The blond looked up, a little curious, and met understanding green orbs.

Aw man, so loving and :x *sigh* :x sweet, and I donno what. Willow caressing Tara's cheek like that, and right then; it just displayed her feelings and everything. I donno how to put it really.

Gulp, more angst. Tara doesn't want Willow to see her new cuts. :paranoid Understandable, but still.

Quote:
“Shall we then?”

“We shall, then.”

Where have I seen those lines said before? Everytime someone says "Shall we then?" I always hear the reply "We shall then" in my head. Line from Buffy, and which episode in that case?

Heh I get Willow's need to go kill something. :p I'm all rumbly in my stomach after the last W/T scene :| ...but that could be cos of the too many mochas and no sleep, or a combination perhaps?

Edited to say: damn, Carleen beat me to it lol.

Liv

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 12:09 am 
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:ashamed Why! One moment was all "awwww" the next the world is upside down. snif snif. And Willow is been so understanding and patien that hurt. Poor Tara, poor Willow...

Update soon and make it right.

PS: Is really a big bad on the way? brrr, bad wives


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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 7:12 am 
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wow. this fic is definitely something. a good something, really good. it hits really close to home too. like, front yard close to home. i used to be like tara, my girl rescued me too. i've read other fics that tara cut herself, but then she met willow and she magically stopped and was very unrealistic, but this one, this one is right on the money. it takes alot to build up trust and as much as i love to see willow and tara get with the makin' love, i like to see them take their time and have it realistic. i really appredciate the attention to detail and the view of the innerworkings of tara's thought's, willow's too. some of the flow is a little bit awkward. but the fic really is wonderful. thank you.

stacey

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 7:43 am 
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1. Blessed Wannabe

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wow!...This fic is awesome!
The emotion from Tara has been written brilliantly!...I agree with Aine in that it's good to see that her expression of pain hasnt disappeared just like that *clicks fingers*, because self injury doesnt go away over night it takes alot of struggle and pain...which is being portrayed through this fic!

Brilliant job!
update soon...Please!
-Sarah

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2005 8:02 am 
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Wow..amazing work again. wow. Love sam xx

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2005 5:31 pm 
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GayNow - You figured right. Of course it can't just be it, these things don't just go away, much as we all might wish they would. Of course Willow will be Tara's rock. Who else would it be?

Still Waters T - Wow. Second. Special. Yup at the "aww" moment. I didn't even have it in there at first. Then I realized that it was such a perfect place for it, I had to put it in ^^. Yes, there's some angst, but don't worry. Shall be cleared up eventually. And I was using that line before it was on Buffy, so ha.

viximon - Yes, I'm evil, aren't I? Lol, don't worry. The only big bad on it's way is the one we know about - Adam. And he won't show up for a little while yet. I just wanted to use the opportunity to mock the regularity of the appearance of big bads.

Aine - I'm glad you like it. It seems to be doing the close-to-home thing for a lot of people... hmm. I know the flow of the story isn't very... flowy, but I'm working on that and trying to make it run a little smoother.

sarah-beara - Ooooh, wow. That's some high praise. I'm glad you like.

sam - Thanks so much, yet again!

[hr]
Title: A Year of Souls
Author: Naeryn
Spoilers: Only if you never knew that Willow and Tara were together. Which, honestly, if you don’t, then you’re in for a surprise on this site.
Ratings: R/NC17 – I say both because NC17 generally only refers to scenes of a sexual nature, while in here there’s rather descriptive violence as well. Or there will be.
Disclaimer: The day I own Willow and Tara is the day the earth rotates backwards and hell freezes over – and all the Canadians down there start playing hockey!
Notes: This is why I love Joyce so much! Yaaaaay Buffy’s mom!






Willow bit her lip, raising her hand to knock on the door. Her hand hovered uncertainly for a moment. She was taking action now, she’d decided to come seek advice from the one person who could best give it. She rapped lightly on the door, smiling nervously as it swung open. The woman on the other side smiled, surprised. “Willow, hello! I didn’t expect to see you.”

“I know, Mrs. Summers. I just… well, I kind of need mom-type advice, and my mom kind of sucks at that part.” Or most parts, the redhead finished in her mind. Willow blushed a little.

Joyce smiled wider, her confusion disappearing. “Of course, Willow. And you know you don’t have to knock, really.” She backed up a step, for all intents and purposes inviting Willow in. “So what’s up?”

“Um… can we sit?”

“Sure. You want something to drink? Juice, tea?”

Willow shook her head as she followed Joyce into the kitchen. “Um, no thanks. My tummy’s all rumbly and spazzy. I think adding stuff to it might not be the best idea right now. Sighing lightly, she sat down at the island, resting her arms across themselves on the table.

Mrs. Summers poured herself a cup of coffee from the pot and turned around, cupping it in both hands. She leaned over on the island across from Willow, observing the young woman for a moment. In three and a half years, she’d gotten to know Willow relatively well. With a mother’s eye, she noted both the redhead’s fidgeting hands and distinct lack of babble. Apparently whatever the problem was, it was a serious one. She sighed inwardly, wishing Willow’s own mother would clue in to what a daughter she had. She really was a foolish woman, sometimes. Oh well, it really just meant that she got another daughter for herself. “So what’s going on?”

“It’s… well… I have this… friend, see. And she’s… well, she’s in a bad way.” Willow started out, finding herself reluctant to speak of Tara’s problems to anyone, even if it was to find out the best way she could help her. She’d already decided that Tara would remain most assuredly anonymous. I have to talk to someone about this. Joyce has to be the best choice, my mom would freak out, Giles would… I don’t even know. And it’s gotta be an adult-type. Who else is there? I just want to be there for Tara… She sighed inwardly again. I want so much to be there for her.

Joyce’s face took on an air of concern. “What do you mean – in a bad way? Has she been hurt?”

“No… well, yes. A lot, actually… she’s had a hard life. But that’s not really… she’s hurting. Inside, emotionally. And she’s… she’s taking it out on herself.” Willow avoided Joyce’s eyes on this, unsure how the woman would react. Really though… she imagined the woman would probably just be worried. After all, she had a tendency to sort of mother everyone, and was likely to simply want to give Tara a big hug.

The information took awhile to register within the woman’s brain, but when it did, her eyes opened wide. “You mean she’s harming herself?”

“Well… yeah. She’s trying to stop, I know that… and I want to help her. I just… I don’t really know… how.” Willow fidgeted, looking uncertain and finding something on the fake marble countertop very interesting. Her finger swirled over the light design.

“I see.” Joyce found herself becoming nervous. She took a sip of her coffee, willing herself to calm a little. This was a serious situation, and she needed to think carefully. “Can you tell me who she is?”

Willow shook her head vehemently. “No, I already… I kinda feel like I’m betraying her trust already, coming to you like this. I just really want to help her not feel like that. She’s so much better than that, she doesn’t deserve it… even though she keeps saying she does.” The redhead looked dejected, staring again at the countertop.

“I understand, Willow.” She nodded thoughtfully. “Is it… have you known her for very long?” Mrs. Summers couldn’t keep the worry from her voice.

Willow looked up suddenly. “Oh! No, it’s not Buffy. No, she’s an exploder, not an imploder. When she gets all angsty and depressy, she goes and patrols, and usually goes all Terminator on their asses. Only, you know, without so much shooting. Then she’s happy-Buffy again. I mean, not that she’s, like, some kind of sadistic – ”

Joyce cut her off. “Willow. I know what you mean. So this girl… instead of taking out her hurt or anger on someone or something else, she bottles it up and takes it out on herself. Probably doesn’t like herself very much,” she mused. Though relieved to find that her daughter wasn’t in such a bad place, Joyce found herself yearning to reach out to this girl, whoever she was. “I think the best thing you can probably do is be there for her. Give her a safety net. Maybe set something up so that if she ever feels… that need, she can call you. Does she live nearby?”

Willow nodded. “Yeah, she lives in the dorms. Not Stevenson with Buffy and I, but the next one over, Torres.”

“Well then, if she calls you, you can be right over. She’s hardly likely to do… that, while you’re there. It’s the sort of thing a lot of people would judge her for, so don’t. Just let her be, and understand, and listen. I think that’s all you really can do to help, at least at first.” Joyce sipped her coffee again, racking her brain for anything else she could come up with.

Willow smiled and stood up, hurrying around the island to hug Mrs. Summers. “That makes sense… thanks.” Joyce smiled and returned the embrace.

Turning around quickly, Willow hurried towards the door. “She gets out of class in forty five minutes… I think I’m going to talk to her. Take her for some mocha-y goodness and let her know…”

Joyce smiled, calling after Willow. When the redhead turned around, she said, “Whoever this girl is, she’s lucky to have found you, Willow. I know you won’t let her down in this. And… and I know I’m not your mother, but I’m sure you know that you feel like a daughter to me. I wanted you to know, I’m very proud of you for how you’ve dealt with this. It’s something a lot of young women your age wouldn’t even have the presence of mind to think about.”

Willow nodded, smiling, happy that someone at least was proud of her. And really, she did think of Mrs. Summers as a second mother to her, perhaps – probably – better than her biological one. She put on her resolve face and headed out the door.

It’s strange, I don’t even know who this girl is… but I feel for her. She must have been through a lot in order for her to be in such a bad place, emotionally. I think with Willow – and through her, Buffy and Xander, and quite possibly Mr. Giles – she’ll have some people to support her. Good people. I’m glad. I hope I get to meet her sometime, I’d like to let her know that I would be there for her too. Joyce paused for a moment, marveling at Willow’s maturity to be dealing with something like this, then returned to her coffee.

*****

Willow leaned against the wall, both hands tucked behind her back and tapping anxiously against it. Tara’s class should be getting out any minute now. How am I going to start this thing? Hey, Tara, you cut yourself. Next time, call me! Goddess, that makes me sound like some sort of sadistic, twisted… I don’t know, but a really bad word would go there. ‘Bitch’ doesn’t quite fit, but it’d be something similar. Hey, Tara. I’m worried about you, you know, ‘cause you bleed yourself on a regular basis and all… no. So not the right approach. Gaa-

“-aah!” Willow jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She’d been so lost in thought, she hadn’t noticed that class had been let out. Tara was looking at her, a little worriedly.

“Willow? I thought you were b-busy today.”

Willow nodded. “Yeah, um, I was. But I got done with what I was doing earlier than I thought,” she mumbled, losing herself in thought again.

After a moment, she felt another tap. “P-penny for your thoughts?”

With a deep breath, Willow braced herself. She looked over at Tara. “Coffee?”

*****

As the girls walked towards a coffee shop, Tara grew decidedly nervous. First Willow hadn’t wanted to go to the Espresso Pump or the Grotto, but somewhere more ‘quiet’, as she’d put it. Now, though she smiled and swung their interlocked arms as the girls walked, Willow was quite obviously lost in thought – again.

The girls turned a corner and Willow pressed almost immediately against a door that Tara hadn’t even seen. As they walked into the miniscule shop, she smiled. It was actually very nice, dark, but not creepy-dark, comfortable-and-almost-romantic-dark. The pungent aroma of coffee wafted through the air, and Tara inhaled deeply. She looked around, taking more of the place in.

It really looked like a restaurant – booths lined the walls, covered in dark red padding that matched the covers of the wrought iron chairs that strewed the small room. The pedestal tables were wrought iron too, with what appeared to be black marble tops. The balance of the white swirls created a stunning contrast. Tara sighed happily, it felt comfortable, homey.

Willow led them over to a booth in the corner, and the middle-aged woman who owned the place walked up.

“What can I get you ladies today?” Her short red perm matched the colour of the seats, Tara thought wryly. She actually matched the place perfectly, she seemed sort of motherish, but not in the same way as her own mother. Her mom had been more of a hippie, this woman called to mind a modern businesswoman that nevertheless always seemed to have time for her kids. Tara liked that kind of person.

“Just a regular mocha, please. Tara, you want?”

The blond shook herself out of her reverie. “M-mocha, please.” As the woman disappeared, Tara turned back to the redhead across from her, who extended one hand across the table expectantly. Tara slipped her own hand into Willow’s, biting her lip nervously. “Will… w-what’s this ab-bout?”

Willow sighed, her thumb running back and forth, lightly caressing the back of Tara’s hand. “It’s about… about you, baby. I’m worried about you, because of… well, you know. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I don’t want to make you angry. I just want to tell you that… I’m here.”

Tara’s eyes narrowed, but widened again as Willow’s speech continued. Now a look of confusion transformed her features. “What do you m-mean?”

“I mean that if you ever feel like that, like you need to hurt yourself… I’m here. You can call me and I’ll be right there with you, and I won’t judge you for it, and I’m not going to push you away. I won’t go anywhere until you’re okay again.”

Just then the woman came back with the mochas. Sensing a private, intense moment, she backed off, rather than starting up idle chitchat as she would in most circumstances. She smiled, recognizing a little of the chemistry between the two.

After the woman left, Tara spoke up. “Will… sweetie, you don’t have to…”

“I know I don’t,” Willow cut Tara off. “I want to. I want to be there for you, I want to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. I want to make sure that you don’t hurt anymore, because…” she trailed off, tears sparking in the corners of her bright green eyes.

Tara was in a similar situation, fighting back tears. She’d never had anyone care so deeply for her before. “W-Willow…?” She meant to simply ask the redhead to continue, but the name came out sounding like she was begging for something. She didn’t know what it was she was pleading for.

“Because it hurts. When you do that, when you feel like that, I feel it. It hurts so much, and I just… I want to take that away from you. If I could, I’d feel it all myself and a hundred times more, just to know that you were happy.” Willow’s voice cracked.

Tara stood up on shaking feet, tears now streaming down her face. She’d done so much crying, she didn’t know she had any more tears – but this was different. Now she was crying because she had no other way to express her joy. She stepped around the table and fell to her knees beside Willow, resting her head in her girlfriend’s lap. What have I done, what could I ever do, to deserve someone like her? What a pair we’d make if we could take each other’s pain… because I would take hers from her in an instant.

Willow slipped down out of the seat to fall on her knees beside Tara on the floor. She pulled the other woman close, wrapping her arms firmly around her back. “I just love you, Tara… so much…” That’s never going to change. I don’t think I could ever fall out of love with this woman.

Tara lifted her head, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand. She smiled, breath catching in her throat and eyes catching on Willow’s soft lips. “I love you too, sweetie.” She leaned forwards and pressed her lips against Willow’s, pulling their bodies close together.

As the kiss broke, both women were smiling. “I love you, Tara. More than a thousand words in a thousand different languages could ever hope to say.” She stood up, offering Tara her hand.

As their palms met, both again marveled that they fit so well together, so perfectly. Their hands were made to hold each other. Another embrace, a few more salty tears of joy, and they stepped out of the small coffee shop together, mochas in hand.

The woman behind the counter smiled happily, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. An arm slipped around her waist, and she turned and planted a light kiss on the lips of the woman beside her. “Brings back so many memories, doesn’t it?”

The dark haired woman just smiled knowingly, resting her head on the shop owner’s shoulder.

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 Post subject: Re: FIC - A Year of Souls
PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2005 5:54 pm 
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Again, a nice update. I really like the way you're developing their relationship. It's a rough road they will have to travel. But at least they will travel it together. And I think Joyce had it right, too:

Quote:
I think with Willow – and through her, Buffy and Xander, and quite possibly Mr. Giles – she’ll have some people to support her. Good people.


That's what the Scoobies are...good people. And that's what they do...they support each other. So Tara -- and Willow -- will be surrounded by love and support. And, with time, love and trust -- and the healing that comes from that -- she will find happiness.

I'm looking forward to more of the journey.

Carleen

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