Title –
“You’re My Always”Author – Dub
Rating – PG
Disclaimer – Damn despicable Disney I’ll Tell ya! Can’t own anything these days only subscribe.
Feedback –Very eager to discuss any aspect, a lot of thought has gone into this as its part of a much wider Canon Universe. This was a big challenge for me, be interested to know if it paid off.
Summary – “Moments...just moments...where Tara would look at me and I was wonderful.” – This is a moment between Tara and Willow during ‘The Gift’
Authors Note – While this is a one shot, it takes place in the Justice for Tara Maclay Series. In essence this makes it its debut.
-The Justice for Tara Maclay series is rooted in Canon, filling in gaps and extending scenes all with the aim to do justice for Tara. A Watch-Along-Read-Along.
-I make no secret of my dislike for Willow. I’m not going to run her down in this series as it’s mainly from Tara’s view point. “You’re My Always” is Willow perspective and is the tone I set for her motivation throughout the whole series.
Song Choice –
Never Give Up On You –
Promotional song interpretation.
The Gift - 24 minutes 47 seconds
The soft luxurious pads of fingers which usually graced Willow’s skin in an act comfort and pleasure now impacted her cheek, followed through with a firm palm bringing with it a burning sting that vibrated through the flesh into the bone.
“BITCH! I’m supposed to work on the factors!” The words sprouted from Tara’s mouth in a venomous haze. Her eyebrows furrowed and her features sharpened in disdain. She had no idea why the rage consumed her. She had no idea on anything, only that now a familiar face resided in front of her with a look that struck her to the core. An almost primal calling to recognise it. But she couldn’t. Her sanity was a secret shrouded from her.
Willow gently brushed her own fingers across her cheek feeling the residue of tainted tingles from the impact. Her sweet rose apparently now shot out of a bow and the thorns barbed into Willow. The face that adorned Willows soul was now masked in a veil of bitterness as she pulled back her hair. Tears stung worse than the slap as they signified the admittance that Tara was lost. Her Tara would never raise a hand to anyone, let alone swear to accompany it.
The once vibrant eyes now hollow to match the creases forming all over her lovers face. Why couldn’t they be creases of laughter and eyes full of life? The oceans Willow could get lost in for hours but knew an embrace would always bring her to shore. Is this it now? Just a doppelganger of Tara without her beauty and radiance emanating from her through one crocked smile. A shell with uncontrolled rage swirling inside and rising to the surface in bursts Tara would never forgive herself for.
Her sight steadied on Tara as the emptiness of the eyes started to fill and the creases fade. The hand which hit with such intensity now reached out and pensively touched the site of impact. Willow watched as Tara’s features crumbled before her. The sharp intakes of shallow breath releasing in sorrowful whimpers. Each little gasp striking Willow worse than any slap.
“I’m, I’m not … I’m not…” The words barely forming.
Willow instinctively raised her hand and caressed the out stretched arm. The softness of the grey fabric comforting her digits. The brief touch a moment of intimacy she savoured even in these dire situations. It didn’t matter where they were, whenever Willow felt her lovers touch it was always a reassurance that everything was okay. Everything was going to be alright because they had each other. Even when she didn’t feel like she deserved it.
The grey sweater was picked by Willow for Tara to wear out of the hospital because it looked warm and comfortable but touching it now along with Tara’s hand on her cheek took her back to that extra flame-y night. All the pain she caused Tara and there she was at the doorway wearing her sweater from earlier that day. She couldn’t let her go even when she felt like she lost her to Oz. Even with her sanity intact Willow doubted Tara would ever see how far she had come. The mountains climbed. Her confidence soar, her presence always essential. Even if she couldn’t see it, Willow would always see her glow. The good she spreads to everyone she comes into contact with.
Thoughts of any growth of herself couldn’t come to her because once again here they were in a madness of her own creation. If only she didn’t walk away, just did what Tara wanted and headed to the cultural fair and forgot everything said. It was too late though, Her Tara was taken. Only trace amounts remaining inside her. The current moment of intimacy reminded Willow of this. She couldn’t give up. She would fix this.
Her girlfriends hand was softly lowered down from Willows face. The tender touch replaced with hard resolve.
“I’m gonna bring you back.”
Green eyes burnt with intensity. She promised long ago she would protect Tara, back then it was against Faith, before she truly understood her feelings for the meek witch. She already failed that vow by not seeing the danger of her family. No not her family, the Maclays. Willow was her family, the Scoobies were her family. Not them. Rage now enhanced her feelings of failure. Big gun. Buffy doesn’t even like guns. You don’t have to rescue a gun when it goes straight to the penthouse of a god. Did Buffy still begrudge her for that? She brought her back from a coma. That seems even at least in a being conscious way, or was her mistake yet another failure, as that was time they could have spent getting Dawn to safety. All she did there was get knocked down. The barrier didn’t even withhold her. Tara, Buffy, Dawn, Willow was failing them all.
Failure wasn’t what she did. She excelled and thrived at every test. Even making sure to get the right personality out come on the tests Buffy would do with her from trashy magazines. She is a wiz with technology and her magic was vital. She re-ensouled Angel. Combined their collective essences with the spirit of the primal slayer. As Buffy said she damaged a god when Buffy couldn’t leave a scratch. But why did it feel like failure? Why couldn’t she save Tara in time? Why couldn’t she have saved Dawn? Why was everything feeling so trapped? Where were the options? Where was the answer?
“AAAAAHH!”
Willow felt Tara’s arm abruptly recoil as she brought it up to her chest. The mindless Wiccan instinctively brought up her knees to protect the arm while using her bandaged hand to wrap around and keep it tight. Her eyes were frantic as she darted her head around the Magic Box whimpering pained purrs in between heavy panicked breaths. Willow sprung to action, jumping to her feet and went to hold Tara by her forearms but was taken back as Tara jutted backwards like a wounded animal fleeing from its predator.
A stab of realisation penetrated the red head as she stared at her right hand in disbelief. Up turning it to look at the palm. She caused Tara pain. Getting so lost in disappointment and anger of her recent failures she must have gripped her lovers comforting outreach too hard.
“I’m sorry Tara, I’m so so sorry. I didn’t. I didn’t realise... How can I take the pain away? Let me take the pain away… Please sweetheart, please.” Helpless pleas as Tara started rocking back and forth growing with aggression, each time she hit herself against the chairs back rest. Thumping her bandaged hand against her limb crowded torso to push herself back again. The gaining momentum, matched by the frantic search around the room for something Willow didn’t know.
“What’s going on up there? Tell me Tara, let me help you.” Willow used hushed tones as she deduced her only option to soothe the distressed girl was her voice. Repeating soft shushes, unfortunately the shushing had no effect on herself, her mind started to answer her question as the torment continued in front of her.
“Let’s think of nice things ‘k. How about we start with a really big chair so you can’t hurt yourself. Yeah? Somewhere up high so you can look out and see the stars.” Willow looked towards the window hoping something might be seen to attract Tara’s attention however the dull street lights illuminated the town, diluting any chance of seeing the stars from their position.
“What can you be doing on that chair hey? Not rocking like this, something nice, something calming. You said you’d like to learn to knit one day, how about you picture yourself knitting yeah. You could be making us sweaters with our faces on so we don’t get confused whose is whose and when we are apart we can have each other’s so we get to see our faces while smelling your scent with the snuggliest snuggles… Ok not the snuggliest because that comes directly from you.” Willows words started to hollow as she thought of them apart. How could she still have the Scooby life and school and care for Tara full time? She wanted them all. Why did it feel like she couldn’t? Failing before even trying now. Happy thoughts, she needed happy thoughts.
Slowly she tried to move her hand to Tara’s shin however quickly stopped as it resulted in another squeal from her distressed love. “What will you wear up there? You can’t stay in your jammies all day cos some are for my eyes only and you know I’m not good with the washing machine unless you want your whites pink.” More failure. “Always imagined you’d look good in a wedding dress. Not because of you know, but maybe someday, I don’t know. Never really thought about it and I’m not sure why I’m saying it… It’s the happy it would bring. They say it’s the happiest day of your life and I’d really like to see that because you told me once to ‘do what makes me happy’. You happy makes me happy. Do you remember that? Tara?”
Tara paid no attention as the ferocity of her movements continued.
Willow felt moisture on her face but she didn’t want to cry. Not now, not in front of Tara like this. She needed to be strong. Growing up Willow always had Xander to cheer her up and he often reverted to humour. Maybe that could work. Maybe inside Tara’s head it was a carnival of madness. A mixture of her surroundings. Sunnydale, the multi-cultural fair.
“What fun things are in your mind hey? Let’s try to reach into that. Was the fair fun, did you get to see the butter churning milk maids? I imagine the rhythmic movements and bending in those dresses would draw a crowd. Maybe the crowd was churning their own butter.” Willows face contorted into disgust, far too much Xander. Ok less Xander maybe some witty Buffy. “Was there music? Imagine if the vampire population joined in hey. What would they do? Use a piano as a coffin and go all phantom of the opera as their face burns from the sun? What would they even sing about anyway, resting in peace? You get it? Cos dead and R.I.P” Still nothing. Last resort, Anya. Tara liked Anya, they laughed together. Blunt and absurd. Willow could think of that, sure she could, just not well. She tried to clear her mind from the butter churning horror lingering in her mind and came out with the first thing she could think of which had a balance of annoyance and ignorance. “Was there a fairy on a unicycle? Because gays are called fairies and unicycles are weird transport so that’s culture.” Willow trailed off and knew if Tara was aware right now she would be getting a folded arm, eye brow raised look. Then she would go all frowny face which results in Tara giving her a hip nudge and reassuring little back rub. Looking In front of her right now the odds of that happening were never.
“W-W- Willow. WILLOW! Willow. Will. W-W.”
Elation coursed through Willows veins. “I’m here love, right here.”
Tara kept calling out Willows name in distress, looking around the room as her body was tossed around. Fear clinging to her every cry as she couldn’t see the one thing she was trying to reach out to. The name wafting through her mind getting lost in the murk and being howled over by the undying mutterings forever encircling her closed in mind. She was trapped in a box unable to touch what she could feel was near but yet so far. The name Willow, the only warmth she could sense which ebbed and flowed through the wrath of the ominous tendrils of shadows entangling the box
More flecks of liquid hit Willow’s face. She couldn’t let Tara stay this way. The violent rocking of her girlfriend was the baseline to her heartbeat thundering in a wild rhythm. More flecks hit Willows face and she swiftly went to wipe them away but as she did she noticed the tears were not from her own eyes. She could see in the forceful shakes of her girlfriend’s head the tears streaming down her cheeks being flung off in all directions. The dam Willow had been holding in to stay strong, finally burst in a cascade of grieved tears and Babble.
“I’m being stupid. Trying to make up nice things for you. It’s not nice is it? You’ve got nothing up there … no that would be kind and I shouldn’t be saying that’s kind but I know you’re in there and you’re calling for me. An- and I’m right here … but you can’t see me. What is it? Are you slowly rotating on a lazy Susan, discarded to the back shelf of your mind like a stale piece of pie? Or are you like Amy on her hamster wheel, running with no destination. Forever left in the one place ... Can you see me but just not reach me? Reach for me Tara please. Reach for me!” In an act of desperation Willow tugged Tara’s legs down to touch the floor and stop the rocking. Her tiny body showing inhuman strength as she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t handle Tara hurting herself physically while being tortured mentally. She couldn’t have herself pretend like it’s all fine when it’s not. It’s really not.
“I don’t want to restrain you Tara, please don’t make me. You can’t do this” Green eyes found blue, both producing enough liquid to water the amazon. “You’re breaking my heart.” Tara’s head turned again as she called for her girlfriend. “You don’t remember me do you? I’m right here and you don’t remember me!” Willow used her body weight to keep the legs down while now grabbing for Tara’s flailing arms with little success. “I did this to you. I did all of this. I was so full of my own pride. I know things and instead you had all the answers to help Buffy and Dawn after everything with Joyce, and Buffy telling me I didn’t understand. I’m the one who knows things. I have the answers and I don’t know how to fix any of this. I’m scared Tara and I can’t do this without you. I need you baby, I need you.”
All the strength drained from her body as she slumped down over Tara. Her head resting on a heaving chest. Their rapid heartbeats drumming to different rhythms. Her wails matching Tara’s. Everything flooding out, all the losses, all the pain. Knowing for certain that no matter what happens they will just have something worse happen to them later on. All the victories short lived, all the happy moments cut short. There used to be a time when she looked forward to double science on Tuesday afternoons and dreaded gym but now she dreaded the possibility of everyday losing someone else she loved and the one thing, the one person to always make her happy wasn’t here anymore. She was gone, Her Tara was gone.
Who was she really? What did she even have left? Before Buffy she had her intellect to see her through but now the world seemed to be expanding and the textbooks didn’t cover it. She had Xander but he had Anya now. For all her faults, he really loved her. Who would love Willow now? Everyone she loves leaves. What’s the point of any of it? Even if things do go well tonight and Glory is defeated, there will be another Hell Mouth fuelled entity to overcome. What future was there really? What good would school do, working towards a future in what? Her future was with Tara and now that’s gone. Every weep that seeped from her contained the last remaining fragments inside her to continue fighting. She was nobody. Just some girl.
Willows body ran cold. For the first time in a long time she had to accept that there was no answer, no point to any of it. Tears fell, her body sagged into her expired hope, her love she would have to let go of. Just as the resolve was starting to settle on her face in response to giving up, Willow felt a warmth wrap around her. A feeling she knew so well, an embrace of angel wings that sent her to cloud nine every time.
Tara could feel the near lifeless presence weighing down her body. The dampness on her chest, however it seemed to soak into her further than skin deep. All the sorrow and despair that filled the moisture enveloped her heart. Her mind was taken, yet her feelings rose to prominence and guided her in the simple motion of wrapping her arms around the person resting on her. Not defeated just yet, the form could be repaired. A sense of belonging and safety cut through the tendrils of darkness revealing magnificent misty eyes. In that moment she knew just as she had always known “Willow”.
Already losing any sense of dignity Willow swiped her sodden face against Tara. Her Tara, the Tara that knew her. “You remember me.” A single laugh burst through the tightness of her chest. She stared into those beautiful blue eyes and accepted every inch of the hug as their breathing started to harmonise. As one chest went in, the other went out, as if they couldn’t be torn apart. A synchronised dance of fulfilment, all be it on a musty chair in a back street magic shop. Willow didn’t know how long this moment would last but it was wonderful.
“I love you.” Her words tender yet coaxed with unwavering passion. She would always love her. No matter what, she wouldn’t give up on her. Whatever it takes she will get her back and if not, she will look after her. Nothing else matters, School, Hell Mouth antics, even Buffy, as long as Tara had the best she could have out of life. As long as Tara was happy, everything would be ok.
Willow relocated her arms to hug around her lover’s waist. She kept the embrace noticeable but not adding extra pressure. She didn’t know what damage Tara had just done to herself and she didn’t want to exacerbate it. She would have to check her over later, right now wasn’t the time. Willow didn’t want to break up this moment because it was in these moments she realised what it was all about. Love wasn’t about the thrill, the electricity that flowed through them, it wasn’t the comfort they gave each other or the coy smiles and eye lash flutters across the room. It wasn’t a dream of a pleasant future and puppy dogs and rainbows. It was having that one person, even when the other was at their worst, could still see their best shine through. Tara was the only person to see her for who she was, warts and all. She could see through the naivety and cheeriness, she could see the neediness and inadequacy that fuelled her need to please. Her loneliness and pain but she could look through all that and see her determination, her desire to be more, the bravery and potential. She was powerful in Tara’s eyes and Willow believed it. Tara was what held her together and stopped her drifting, her anchor. Whatever storm was going on in Tara’s head, Willow wanted to make sure in her more lucid moments, that Tara knew that she still saw the best in her. Even now acting with her heart to comfort someone in pain, even when they just caused her to hurt. It never mattered what horrors happened to Tara, she always chose to treat people with respect and kindness and Willow wasn’t going to let Tara forget that. They will dance through their inner chaos together.
The solitude of their togetherness was soon broken as Tara started to squirm under Willow becoming uncomfortable with the position. Without hesitation Willow cautiously removed herself, watching for any signs that Tara was going to start hurting herself again. Her concerns were thankfully quelled as Tara readjusted herself in the seat which left enough room for Willow to perch herself on the arm rest. “This okay?” the red head was met with once again clouded eyes, and a small head bob. Willow took that to mean she was safe to be this close to her girlfriend.
Tara continued to squirm as though she was a dog circling before sitting in the right position. Small whimpers left her lips as she kept turning her head to and fro from the presence beside her. The noise in her head seemed to be calmer as she moved closer to it. Through the tendrils of shadow and despair, Tara placed her head down with trepidation however she could sense a non-malevolence in the presence and wanted nothing more to stay like this, it was the closest she felt to sanity among the bedlam.
Willow dared not to move as Tara lowered her head onto her lap. Willow couldn’t help but feel she was being mistaken for the furniture, after the hug this seemed too good to be true. But as Tara settled Willow felt brave and lowered her hand to stroke the brown locks. The action seemed to be well received as the whimpers and fidgeting came to pass. A smile grew on the red heads face as lyrics entered her head. Her girl’s interest in England leading to quite a few re-watches of a particular musical. Musical ability was never her strong point but at this time it seemed appropriate as she started to quietly hum slightly off tune to the song playing in her head.
Consider yourself at home
Consider yourself one of the family
We've taken to you so strong
It's clear we're going to get along
Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself part of the furniture
There isn't a lot to spare
Who cares?
What ever we've got we share!
Self-consciousness crept in causing the witch to stop, but was pleased it didn’t scare Tara away. She didn’t think Tara would refuse to leave her lap because the humming was all she wanted and needed, so knew it was safe to stop. Willow was far too happy in the moment being Tara’s furniture, as it meant she was her home, her family. A movement from below caused the stroking to stall. Willow sighed in relief that it wasn’t another tantrum but Tara was placing her good hand over her stomach, head still firmly on the redheads lap.
“You hungry Sweetie?” A sadness briefly washed over Willow as she said the pet name. She might never get called that again but it was ok because she still had Tara and she would take care of her, no matter what. Which is why she didn’t want to keep calling her baby. While Tara was precious to her, if she ever did have moments of sanity and thought all the caregiving was being treated like looking after an actual baby, Willow doubted Tara would be best pleased with that. So used to looking after herself, having everything done for her must be disparaging but this was love, all love, something Willow would never see as a chore.
Willow lowered her hand to take hold of Tara’s making sure she had her attention. All negatives thoughts were wiped away as Tara took the hand without hesitation and their fingers interlocked. Willow started to stroke Tara’s hair again with her free hand. It gave her heart little jumps the more she tried and succeed. Hopes that she could be a comfort to Tara instead of causing her pain. The grip kept wavering in strength as though Tara was drifting in and out of her surroundings.
“You sleepy too? That’s alright, what do you want to do first hey?” Willow took for granted how capable she had become working on nothing but adrenaline and coffee, but that one Wig out had taken everything from Tara. How much of her strength came from mind over matter? Still so many discoveries to be found out about her. Willow gave a gentle squeeze to the hand in the hope to keep Tara’s attention. “What’s your vote, some lukewarm applesauce or a nice cosy nap where you are?” It’s not that Willow didn’t want food in her hair for the fourth time today but right now she wanted nothing more than to have Tara resting peacefully in her arms after all the distress a few minutes ago.
The response was the cutest little yawn she had ever seen. Although she took a mental note never to admit it while Miss Kittyfantasico was around, for fear of jealousy. While Willow missed Tara’s voice the physical communication wasn’t a bad thing, they always knew how to talk without words. Stemming from the very first handhold.
“Rest your eyes, I’ll tell you a little story.”
Tara eyelids flickered closed to the exhaustion but directed what energy she had left to keep her hand locked to Willows.
“I’m going to tell you about a very important girl, even if she does fuss at being called that. And I’m going to tell you about her every night, cos she is going to help you through this. She is going to help me through this too.” Willow kept her voice low and light as if whispering a lullaby.
“I was lucky when I met her. There were these big meanies going around town and they didn’t like people talking. They even stole people’s hearts. Not nice at all, even with their smiles. This girl, this beautifully intuitive girl, wanted to make the big meanies go away. So she ran to me. She faced danger cos she saw in me the potential to save everyone. Only trouble was she ran into me. And I thought I was the Spaz.”
A sombre grin started to form on her face. She wanted so badly for Tara to recognise the girl was her but knew even with her mind intact, she wouldn’t recognise the power she possessed. So much she wanted to show Tara, but it was okay because she was still going to show her, she just had to show her from the beginning. Make her see her brilliance.
“We didn’t save the day, but the girl got me to safety and we joined our hands just like we are now and she protected me. She made me believe in myself. It was her superpower cos this girl could show people the good in themselves, even in the darkest of places she would light up the room. The girl hung out after the meanies went away and she showed me all kinds of tricks cos she was also a really powerful witch. We floated roses and made little lights dance around our heads. But that didn’t make her special. Somehow along the way she stole my heart … she didn’t make me stop talking, she encouraged it and her smile was anything but sinister like the big meanies. No, her smile made me melt like ice cream caught in the sun’s rays.”
Willow paused as she started to choke on her words, holding back tears of what was but she had to continue because she needed to remind them both of everything Tara was, everything she still could be.
“The girl never believed she was special though cos she was a princess in a tower growing up and a mean dragon made black smoke fill her head so she couldn’t see who she was. She believed she was something bad and hid herself away until she broke free from the dragon … One day the dragon found her, she was silly and didn’t tell me that it was a dragon. Instead she tried to hide. Even the bravest of heroes get scared and she was really scared. When everything went dark, the lights she had ignited in the people who surrounded her started to glow. And the rag tag team of oddballs all protected the girl from the dragon so she could tell the dragon to go for good.”
Willow felt her hand being squeezed tighter. Maybe Tara didn’t know she was the girl or anything that Willow was saying but Willow knew Tara could tell she needed the comfort because that was her girl, always feeling with her heart.
“The girl didn’t want to hurt any of the meanies she met. No matter how many hurt her, she always chose kindness. Her hero’s promise was to never make people sad like she was. Instead when a god wanted to make everyone sad, she sacrificed herself to the black smoke. But when she stole my heart, all those moons ago, she gave me hers in return. I feel it pumping. The source of her superpower… The source of your power. You let me keep it and I’m going to use that to blow away all that black smoke in your head. And I know I can do it cos you have my heart. You can keep it always cos I’m never leaving you. I know if you hold on to it, I can do anything, I can be super too.”
Willow bent down and placed a lingering kiss on her girlfriend’s forehead. Still holding on to her hand for fear of losing the connection. It was ok to be scared because heroes can be scared, Tara showed her that time and time again. Willow was going to be a hero and bring Tara back. As she released her lips she saw two blue eyes meekly glistening up at her. She wasn’t going to give up she was going to face Glory again and this time, free her princess.
“Sleep now, I’ll be here. I’ll always be here”
Tara’s eyes closed as her breathing slowed to a peaceful pace. Her hand was last to fall from her tie to sanity’s grasp. Willow accepted the fear, looking upon the reward for facing it. Her resolve face set in once more in a final unyielding vow.
“You’re my always.”
Dedicated to me - A reminder never to give up, through a combination of two things that surround your accomplishments. Plus its likely the only dedication you'll ever get so lap it up while you still can Dub.
Thanks me.