The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt. 5B
PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2003 3:54 pm 
That was beautiful...

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt. 5B
PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2003 4:50 pm 
Your writing is beautiful... I :love :tara

I believe in the madness called "now."

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt. 5B
PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2003 5:59 pm 
Wow, this is really great!

It really is exactly spot on, in fact its almost like reading an extact from my own diary/journal when I was 17.

Hol on a sec, where did u get my journal!?! :lol

But really, the emotion is amazing, and I love that Tara's still unsure even after their kiss and spending the night together. But I guess when your dreams come true, its hard to believe them.

Update soon!

willowsgirl xx

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt. 5B
PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2003 6:48 pm 
That was great! And just...fantastic even! Oh how I love this story! I can't wait to read her entry once she is more sure that Will is into her too. Thank you so much for writing this and letting us read it!


Forgive me now! Tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty...

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2003 8:08 pm 
Magnificent. Your Tara has such a way with words. Her dreams are finally coming true.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.

Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2003 4:27 am 
I've finally caught up with this story, and want to say, "Wow."

It's incredibly well written, showing us Tara's interior life during the early weeks of their relationship. It goes so much deeper than we ever saw on the show, letting us see her deep insecurity and lack of any vestige of self-esteem; and yet at the same time her yearning for life and love. Because it's so strictly Tara's POV, everything else that's going on is a mystery. We realize how much Willow was keeping from her at this point, and, most unusually, we see Willow only as Tara knew her, an unknown in so many ways, yet already beloved.

Very believable and well-done.


 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2003 12:06 pm 
NEVER be sorry about a part being 'longer than the last one', really there's no need :)

Tara's sometimes cynical style of writing in her journal makes her appear a bit older. Of course she has had way too many not-so-good experiences which have made her cynical and self-loathing way to soon. It's a good thing she still has some dreams, has still hope for herself even if it's just a tiny bit.

It's still painfull to read Tara writing with such a low self-esteem about herself. Willow better not hear it or she will correct it on the spot :-). I do wonder if Tara really thinks she IS a 'dorky witch' or if she just assumes that's how everybody else (and certainly Willow) will see her.

I never realized there was this much time between them meeting for the first time and Tara trying to give the crystal. In my memory those events follow each other very closely... nice to see another point of view on that. Reading about Tara wanting to give the crystal I went like 'oh oh...' already, knowing that wouldn't go well the first time around :cry .

That got fixed though, heh. Still some reference to them kissing each other the previous night would have been nice (talking with each other about it I mean). Maybe it's just to weird for either of them to really talk about it ? Willow still wants to meet Tara (it's both funny and sad how many times Tara seems amazed by anyone wanting to meet with her) so it can't be much of a problem, assuming Willow actually remembers what happened.

The shadow/energy games and images were fun. Sounds like a nice thing to do while learning how to control energy and keep balance. Hopefully nobody outside the building thought it was a fire or something :-)

The way you write Tara makes me hope soooo much for her that she'll find the happiness she lacked the last years.

Keep on writing, no matter how long the updates :lol


"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

Edited by: Grimlock72 at: 11/27/03 12:20 pm

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2003 9:10 pm 
Thanks to everyone for all the kind words. It is sometimes hard to judge whether things are balanced and reasonable or too heavy in one direction or another.

A note on timing. The way it is in the show, there might have been maybe 2-3 weeks between A New Man and Restless. However, that seems way too short to me given that Willow and Tara and worrying about the next semester and all by Yoko Factor. As Xita has said, trying to map out the timeline of any season is rough if not impossible. I probably, almost definitely, put too much time between A New Man and The I in Team. The reason for that was I needed some time to elapse between Willow bringing up Oz and dealing with some of the lingering issues with his departure, and then being willing to kiss Tara. For me, that can't have just happened in a few days. Some time needs to have passed, she needed to have gotten more comfortable and familiar with Tara. That is partially why this chapter is so long. And yeah, that isn't necessaryily bad as long as things are moving along and we're not just spinning our wheels in tangents or filler. The next few may be shorter, or not, I'm not sure until they are done.

Grimlock, well, Tara might be a bit too cynical because I am. My own outlook might be creeping in a bit too much. Being 40, that makes me quite a bit older than Tara at this time. :)

Hopefully I am not painting Tara as too self loathing or low self esteem. I mean she did have the courage to leave home, to go to the Wicca Group meeting, and she did seek Willow out. Beyond that though she seemed painfully shy and even as late as Family is upbraiding herself for making dorky jokes. Obviously even with Willow's love that self doubt and low esteem does not just evaporate. Tara has a strong inner core, one of the few good things we do see more of in season sux, but she's been told so often that she's nothing that it must have taken a lot not to give in to that view entirely. Or that's how I see it at least. Hopefully that is coming through.

Anyway, glad you all are into this still. Hope the rest doesn't disappoint.


 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2003 11:42 am 
Garner, I love the journal style. I love the way Tara couldn't wait to just say oh goddess to her journal. She had to get out that joy first. Then you have to wait and read the details of what had her so happy. They kinda got drunk on magicks, that's the way I kinda see it you know, that they were able to just let go ... because that sure was a lot of making out. I really loved the long updates, thanks!

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

 Post subject: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 6
PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2003 5:57 pm 
Well sorry to disappoint but this next one is shorter. I think the length has more to do with how much time is passing than anything else. The last couple a fair amount of time went by, in this one only a few days. The same will probably be true for the next part too, but we'll see. Thanks for the vote of confidence anyway, Xita.

Well, I have a bit of a head cold and though I have edited this, it may be a bit rougher than I intended. We are also starting to see a bit more of the show specific stuff and that timeline. Again, at least for now.

Title: From the journal of Tara McClay Pt. 6

Rating: PG

Summary: The events during Goodbye Iowa in Season 4.

Note: Written November 2003. The entries are no longer consecutive days, some gaps appear.



                                GOODBYE IOWA

Wednesday Evening: I’ve been thinking about her all day. I just can’t get a sense of surrealism out of my mind. Willow kissed me…Tara…in the real world. I keep reliving how her face got closer, how her breath felt, the sensation of her lips on mine. I still get tingles and a shiver and a pleasant warmth that seems to spread from my chest when I think about it.

        Oh Mother, I wish you were here so I could tell you all about her, let you know how happy I am. It’s like I am walking on the proverbial clouds, everything seems so much brighter and more…real.

        I listen to people in the hallway, see the couples walking hand in hand and for once I don’t feel the urge to look away or that bitter wave of regret and feeling left out at something I’ll never have. Willow kissed me. Hah, and now I’m crying again, but for once I can’t stop smiling at the same time. Willow.

Wednesday Night: All right, so maybe I’m starting to come down a little from my Willowy-high. I was sorta hoping she’d call. I mean, what happened is important isn’t it? She did kiss me, that’s supposed to mean something, right?

        Ah, my old friends doubt and anxiety. Why did she kiss me? Does this mean she might like girls after all? Did she figure out that I was attracted to her, that I’m in love with her? Was she just curious what it was like and now that she’s had time to process, catalog and weigh the experience is that it? Or have I become a big experiment. Compare and contrast being with Oz versus being with Tara. The pros and cons of gay versus straight, guys and girls. Maybe she’ll even have a little chart or graph to layout which is better in which areas.

        Do I care? No, that’s obvious, of course I care. I think I’d rather not have my hopes raised, expectations developed only to find that there was nothing really between us. That would be more painful than nothing happening at all, wouldn’t it?

        Love is so harsh and unforgiving. I want her more than anything, long for her kisses and now that I’ve actually felt them, and they were so much more than I had dreamed, why am I trying to ruin it? Am I so used to being unhappy and put down that I can’t handle when something good happens to me?

        How would I know? This is the first time that’s ever occurred.

        Now that I’ve tasted a little of what love must be like, a little of her, I want it again and again. Goddess I so want to kiss her again. I still can’t get what happened out of my mind.

I spent the whole day in a sort of Willow-induced daze. I was definitely overly cheery and noticed all kinds of little things like the way the sun lit up the trees on campus, the clear bird song all around, how vivid the grass seemed. All because I couldn’t avoid the thought of her; her hair and the way it glides through my fingers, the feel of her small body pressed against mine, the rhythm of her heart, her gentle yet intoxicating scent, so many different aspects of her running repeatedly through my mind. I think I took maybe two lines of notes today total.

        Ah, I don’t care. Willow kissed ME and I kissed her back and I woke cuddled up against her and nothing else matters. Maybe the secret is that love drives you crazy and you just roll with it. Keep the good things foremost in your mind and try not to let it destroy your life at the same time.

        Yeah, listen to me, big knowledge woman on love, right. Well, at least I’m not totally ignorant woman.

Thursday Morning: Poop! Still no word from Willow. Should I start to get worried now? Should I call her?

        I had a disturbing dream about her last night. It started with the two of us in my bed, under the covers but in our pj’s. There was a soft light from beside us and we were kissing. I felt so warm and safe yet incredibly excited at the same time. I paused and rolled over to turn off the light and when I leaned back Willow was gone and the door to my room was open, though I thought I heard her just down the hall.

        I got up and followed after, but couldn’t catch sight of her. I kept on increasing my pace, thinking the bathroom had to be just around the corner, which is where she must have gone, but somehow I couldn’t find it and I started panicking that I had forgotten the way to the bathroom and what if I had to go? What would I do?

        I wound my way through the dorm, her voice ever in front of me and talking to others that she knew, but whose voices I couldn’t hear. As I walked by, little kittens came out of the rooms I passed and silently watched and washed their faces with their paws. They seemed to beckon me on. I thought I saw a faint green glow like the energy we had been passing around, but it grew fainter and more distant. Then I really did panic and began to run as I couldn’t find Willow anywhere and had lost her voice, drowned out in some sort of demonic chanting. Which is when I woke up or must have turned over or something. Whatever the case it left me very unsettled. The thought of losing her is too painful to contemplate.

        I can still recall the way her energy flowed over me, moving in gentle wave, sliding over my skin like an extended kiss leaving a trail of tingles and warmth behind. It was different from when we link together and our energies seem to merge, but no less thrilling. Maybe it was even more so since it felt like she was all over me, but in distinct, exciting points rather than a suffuse wash.

        Goddess, I just hope she hasn’t freaked out, thought about what we did, slept on it and suddenly considered the ramifications, become scared stiff by the L or G words. I knew I was gay fairly early, is this something she can handle now? Maybe she’s bi and just didn’t realize it? Would that reassure her more? Or is she just repulsed by the whole notion? I can’t allow myself to think like that.

I could call her. No, that would seem desperate. But I am desperate though, desperate to see her, desperate to know that I don’t disgust her, desperate to feel her pressed against me, smell her and taste her, desperate for the love of the only person who has made me feel like this. Since she came into my life it’s like a huge dam of pent up emotion has come surging out and all I can do is be carried along by the rush. I love her so much and am so happy and yet so confused and don’t know what to do.

Should I be a bit more forward, aggressive? Should I tell her how I feel? Should I say nothing? Do we talk about what happened or not bring it up? Can I kiss her or do I wait for her? Can I touch her in other places, start to explore her body or might that scare her even more, or tip the balance, make her nervous where she wasn’t. Should I hang out with her more, try and meet her other friends? I don’t want to seem clingy or anything, though I would love to cling to her for a long, long time.

        No, I won’t let myself dwell on the doubts or negatives. Our last spell was very cool and she seemed to like it so much. Her face was incredibly gorgeous in the flickering light and the way she looked at me…what I wouldn’t give to have that same look directed at me again.

        Come on Willow, call already.

Thursday Evening: Well. Now I don’t know whether to be relieved, worried, nervous, happy or very scared. Willow is so layered and unique and cool and yet still so much undiscovered territory.

        I just got back from class and she had called and left a message on my machine saying she wanted to get together this afternoon. I’m so glad I bought that machine! It’s certainly paid off more than I could have hoped. Maybe I should make a Willow message tape?

        Anyway, I was just about to call her back and tell her she could come right over when there was a knock at the door and there she was! Talk about magical timing. I was so happy to see her that I almost started babbling like she does. At least I don’t think I stuttered too badly as I told her I got the message and had been about to call.

She came in and told me that she’d enjoyed the last night, and I just grinned. She also hastily assured me that she didn’t come over just to do spells, but that she liked hanging and talking and stuff, which definitely made me happy and gave me a soft, warm feeling. But from the look on her face she seemed focused, determined, and obviously had a particular spell she wanted to try right then. Which is fine by me. I love doing spells with her. I usually get to hold hands and the way our spirits seem to merge is so neat. I’d do a spell with her anytime.

I was right and She tried to explain the urgency behind it, but I stopped her and told her it didn’t matter. She doesn’t have to justify anything while she’s with me. It’s funny but I trust her completely. There’s this purity and innocence about her that makes me believe that she’d never do anything wrong or harmful. I’d do anything for her, because I know she wouldn’t ask me to do anything bad or that I wasn’t comfortable with. I wonder if she’ll ever think the same of me?

I wanted to tell her that I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her, but chickened out and instead told her I had been thinking about the last spell we did all day, which was also true. All through class I couldn’t concentrate on much else. If she hadn’t come by I was going to practice focusing my energy again, see if I could make the same image of her without her actually being there.

        She seemed a little surprised that I had been thinking about the spell and now that sort of worries me. She does remember what happened doesn’t she? She’s not just repressing the whole night as a bad dream I hope. I mean she didn’t come out and say she enjoyed making out with me, but then she did allude to it, didn’t she?

I don’t know. It was hard to think clearly at that point since she was standing there looking so good in tan pants and a red sort of jacket thing with pretty designs on it. All I could think of was taking it off and running my hands all over her. Is that wrong? Should I have such lurid urges?

        But then before I could blush or feel too awkward I got one of the biggest scares of my life. She wanted to conjure the Goddess Thespia and do a demon location spell. Of course I immediately cringed, hopefully inwardly where she couldn’t notice, and was afraid she’d find out about my demon half if we did this spell. I tried to put her off, wondering if we were up to such a spell, but she wouldn’t be deflected and she was right; it was an easy spell we could have handled with no problem.

However, the more I think about it, the more unsure I get. I mean, OK, I do trust her but what did she need to do that spell for? Who needs that kind of knowledge? Did she finally sense my demon half and just want some confirmation? An excuse to break things off? No, that can’t be the case, she would have acted much differently. She probably would have explained it if I hadn’t stopped her. Now I sort of wish I had let her continue. Doubtless she’ll tell me eventually, though.

We got everything ready, I guess the spell is supposed to sort of give a map of Sunnydale and indicate the different demon species in various colors and show their locations.

Goddess, I am evil. I can’t believe I purposefully sabotaged her spell. Father must be right that in the long run I’m not to be trusted. Willow came to me with something that was obviously important to her, that might have serious consequences for others, and all I could think of was to protect myself. Maybe it would be better off if she did avoid me, doesn’t develop any feelings for me. I may trust her but she shouldn’t trust me. Mother would be so disappointed in me.

And to make matters worse, part of me realizes that I’d probably do the same thing again. I just couldn’t take it if she learned the truth about me and I never saw her again. But then if I don’t tell her, how can she ever truly love me? I should be honest with her, I owe her that much at least. Ah, it doesn’t matter, she’ll never love me anyway. I certainly don’t deserve to be loved.

But she took the failure really well. She was disappointed and thought that maybe she didn’t have the spell right or ingredients were off, maybe her concentration. Goddess how could I just sit there and let her blame herself? If I love her so much shouldn’t I have said something, told her the truth? I just couldn’t though. I felt very guilty and small and still do. How can I expect anything to develop between us if I’m not honest with her? Damn it I hate this. I know I did something wrong, sort of violated whatever trust she might have in me, but I don’t know what else to do, that I could have done.

All I know is that I love her fully and truly. At some point I’ll have to fess up, tell her the truth. But not now. Not when things are still developing. I think I’ve gotten to the point where I need her more than anything else. Goddess, please forgive me for this. Forgive me for using love, loneliness and need to justify doing the wrong thing. I hope that some day Willow will forgive me this deception. Nothing good comes from lies.

I did offer to try again and I think if she had agreed I might have actually gone through with the spell. She looked so downhearted and crestfallen. Fortunately she didn’t so instead we cleaned up swiftly, in silence, and I hoped that maybe she’d bring up the other night and what happened. She did seem like she was weighing things in her mind, trying to make a decision but wasn’t sure.

I’d never have guessed what she was going to say if I had a million chances. She said that she enjoyed being with me the previous night and everything, that she had a good time and wanted to spend more time with me, but that there was something important going on right now and that she wasn’t sure if she could. There was a Polgara demon on the loose which needed to be stopped, and some government authority type thing was searching for her and her friends and that they needed to hide and not be found.

She looked at me with such an open and vulnerable look on her face that I knew she was telling the truth, strange as all this sounded. Actually, she also had a rushed feel about her, and her aura was very divided with a lot of confliction and doubt. She said it was nothing I’d done, but that she might not be able to see me for a little bit and had to go right away. She hated to just do a spell and run, but that it was important and she’d come back as soon as she could.

We were standing by then and as she said all this she took my hands in hers as if to soften the blow. Her thumbs sort of unconsciously stroked the back of my hand and we stood there for a moment without saying anything.

She hadn’t come right out and said anything about kissing, but she did try and reassure me that she wasn’t freaked, right? She said she wanted to spend more time with me, I think I heard that correctly. And her touch was so unexpected and exquisite and nice. I think I was melting for her already and she could have said anything and I would have just nodded and grinned dumbly back at her.

But she broke the contact and headed for the door before I could really react. She said something about calling me when she could and then reached for the door. I must have had a stricken look at her leaving so soon and was already starting to miss her when she hesitated and then suddenly came back and put her arms around me and kissed me.

It was so sudden that I barely raised my arms and kissed her back before she was gone out the door without another word.

Goddess. What is she into? Why would the government be after my Willow? Is she really my Willow? We didn’t have a serious discussion, she was in such a hurry to leave but I’m pretty certain that had nothing to do with me. What was that about a demon on the loose and what does she think she can do about it? My eyes get blurry just thinking about all the bad things that could happen to her.

I don’t know where we stand, but Goddess, please watch over and protect Willow, mine or not. She didn’t have to come back and kiss me but she did. My whole body quivers with the memory. Maybe that was her way of letting me know she cares, I don’t know. All I do is that I still love her more than I can ever say, and that next time I see her I won’t disappoint her.


 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 6
PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2003 6:58 pm 
It's quite all right that this was a slightly shorter chapter, it was still a good one.

I loved Tara's little bit of wondering about Willow and experiments, and wondering if Willow had little charts and things like that, comparing her and Oz. If it weren't so absurd, that would sound like a Willowy thing to do, so it's almost a logical fear.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 6
PostPosted: Wed Dec 03, 2003 8:50 pm 
Very sweet for Tara to be concerned about Willow. Willow is a little conflicted, and I can imagine she is questioning her sexuality around this time.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.

Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 6
PostPosted: Thu Dec 04, 2003 9:10 pm 
Garner, excellent update. You capture that confusion/devotion so well. And even though Tara's telling the story, she's so kind to Willow, Willow's waffling seems sort of sweet. I am glad Willow came back to kiss Tara, it really made a big difference even if she can't directly talk about it.

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 6
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2003 5:16 am 
Hmm... that goodbye-kiss might be Willow's way of telling Tara she's okay with what they have. Still it would help Tara if Willow actually said something like that. Willow probably hasn't figured out how to talk about all this though.

The Thespia-spell... yeah thats not one of Tara's best moments. I have to wonder when Tara will tell her, don't recall her doing that on TV (after _Familly_ would be a good guess). Doesn't Tara know there are LOTS of demons in Sunnydale ? Even if that spell would have worked, it would have been a very busy map with LOTS of demons near the University since the Initiative is holding hundreds of them. Ah well, lets wait and see how Tara reacts when hearing the reason for that spell in more detail.

Funny how she wondered about Willow making graphs of her and Oz... Willow is an analytical person, true... but her trouble this time is not so much analytical, which is why it's so difficult to solve :)

Good to read about Tara's 'Willow-haze' and her feeling happy and good about herself and the world. She has earned that much after those years with her brother and father (and I use those terms loosely).


"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Fri Dec 05, 2003 8:59 am 
I don't normally comment much but I just wanted to say how much I really love this one. Lots and lots of :clap :clap :clap I'm really looking foward to reading more.

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay - New Fic
PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2003 1:13 pm 
Tempest Duer, yeah, Willow’s sort of anal, or is that just organized?, nature probably became apparent to Tara early on. Her fears might not be reasonable, but she has so many other unreasonable ones…

Rose24, I think Tara was always concerned for Willow once she started seeing her. That will increase the more she finds out, too. Part of Tara’s insecurity is to put other’s concerns well before her own.

Xita, glad that you thought I hit the right balance. That is very tough with Tara, she has so many conflicted forces tearing through her, and many would seem totally out of control to her. But we’ve seen she always has a kind heart, no matter what.

Grimlock, while Willow might have problems articulating in words what she’s feeling, the confusion and questioning she was obviously going through, I think her instincts and heart would have spoken for her in action. As for the spell, well, when fears are raised, irrational thought often takes over. And she probably has no idea the sheer number of demons in Sunnydale, though I agree there was little chance of her being picked out. For that matter, how did Willow really expect to isolate the Polgara with all the demons she KNOWS are running around. Talk about a long project. Did Tara ever fess up? Maybe, as you speculate, after Family would be the likely time. I do believe that some increased happiness for Tara is coming, but then we know how it ends (season 4 that is.)

Imjustme, thanks for taking the time to make a comment. I’m glad you’re liking this and hopefully future parts won’t disappoint you.

Well, I hope everyone is enjoying this even though we know where it’s going and things are getting less and less speculative. Who Are You is coming up soon and that has always been one of my all time favorite eps, period. Journal wise, though, that one will be a bit harder, but hopefully worth it.


 Post subject: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt. 7A
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 12:07 pm 
Well, this ep actually grew a bit more than I would have expected. Interesting how there are still some surprises left here or there in something I've seen and read about many times. Hope everyone is still into this.

I cannot believe this is too big to fit in one post. Firk ding blast! Fine, here it is in two parts, again. Sheesh.

Title: From the journal of Tara McClay Pt. 7 A & B

Rating: PG

Summary: The events during This Year's Girl in Season 4.

Note: Written December 2003. The entries are no longer consecutive days, some gaps appear. I have also speculated about the exact time that passes once Willow and Tara get together to hunt Faith and the events of Who Are You begin. It’s a bit unclear exactly how much time passes, I may be adding in an extra day, possibly not, but I feel this works so…

                                THIS YEAR’S GIRL

Sunday Afternoon: It’s been three days and I haven’t heard from her. Friday wasn’t so bad as I’d just seen her and I had a couple of quizzes and that kept my attention, Saturday was more difficult but I managed to get to the library and do some studying, well, I looked at the pages and did something constructive, probably. But now I’m just a nervous wreck. I suppose I should be continue doing homework while I can, but I’m just so worried. Goddess what if my sabotaging the spell puts her in danger or leads to her getting hurt? I don’t think I could live with myself if that were the case.

        I can’t stop thinking about her and what she might be doing. OK, I haven’t been able to think about much but her since I first saw her; a vision of beauty and life, impish, kinda tentative in a fetching sort of way, yet oh so brave and bold. Yeah, ever since then I’ve had a Willow-track mind!

        And she kissed me again. Just three days ago, but it’s still so clear in my mind.

        It’s funny, I must sound like a cheap harlequin romance. ‘Our lips touched and my knees buckled as the tender, moist skin made contact and electricity shot through me. It only lasted but the briefest of moments, but that moment could have been an eternity during which my soul was saved by the simplest of actions.’ But, that’s how I really do feel. When she kisses me time slows, the universe does contract, I lose control of my body and the sensations that course through me are powerful beyond words.

        And it may truly save my soul. If love has any redemptive powers please let it override my evil nature, my demon side. Deliver me from loneliness and the barren solitude I’ve had to endure. I can see why those with artistic talent are moved to write, paint, create music to celebrate the feeling.

        Aaah, I probably put too much importance into love, into something that happens every day for thousands of people. And yet, for me, this seems to run so much beyond just love. It’s like I’ve known her forever, like she’s a part of me, a missing segment without which I’m incomplete and somehow lesser. I wonder if she feels anything remotely similar?

        What does she see in me? Really, why has she kissed me? I’m not anything to look at, I’m not that bright, certainly not as smart as she is, but then she’s also so stunning she could have anyone she wants, I’m nowhere near as powerful as her, definitely not as popular. She has friends that she’s close to and whom she obviously cares about quite a bit. I’ve never even had one close friend. Except for now.

        Am I really in love or am I just so starved for any sort of companionship that it feels like love? I suppose that’s a pretty dumb question. All I have to do is think of her and I know the truth. I love Willow. I love her completely, totally and utterly. And maybe now even not hopelessly.

Monday Morning: Of course I had a dream last night about her being chased by some strange yet vague creature and no matter what I did I couldn’t help her. It was like I was stuck in molasses and though I struggled as much as I could to move or aid her, nothing happened or worked. No magic, no telekinesis, nothing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a frustration quite like that before. My Willow was threatened, in danger, and I couldn’t help her.

        I hope she calls today. I just want to hear her voice and know that she’s all right. I can still remember that one night when she came here bruised and battered. I didn’t think much about how that happened, I suppose I was just so glad she was here in the first place that I didn’t consider the matter too deeply. She also didn’t seem all that freaked out about those weird mortician guys, the Gentlemen she called them.

        It makes you wonder, is she some Xena type, she’s stronger than she appears, going out and saving innocents from monsters? That can’t be can it? I’d love to be her Gabrielle though. Anything to be with her, share whatever path it is she’s on and help make her life easier. Just her and me, traveling through the country, using magic instead of swords or a staff, facing danger together. Yeah, like I’d be any help there. It’d be scary, I’d probably be too frightened to do anything. I’ve hardly seen any of the world or its dangers. But with Willow there I know it’d be all right. We’d be a great team, if she’d have me, that is.

        Does she want me? I wish I could get a peek at what her true feelings are. Why has she kissed me? Does she even know how she feels or is she just going sort of on instinct and letting time sort things out? She’s too kind for this to be just some exploration of her own sexuality. She’d never use me that way, I’m certain. Is it the magic? Is that what she wants? I’m willing to teach her anything I’ve learned or help as much as possible with the Craft, she knows that. She doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in me for that.

        If only I could just relax and be satisfied with letting each day come as it may and enjoy whatever part of herself Willow gives me. One would think that’s enough, and good advice, but I just can’t seem to follow it or take it to heart. And don’t be silly, she’s nowhere big enough to look right in a leather and armor costume, is she? Even just her cute sweaters and slacks excite me, I don’t think I could handle anything tighter or more revealing.

I still have images of her bottom in those tan slacks, how her cute belly showed under the red jacket-vest. I wonder what she was wearing underneath? What it would be like to slowly slide the jacket off her shoulders, let it fall down her arms revealing her bra and the most perfectly formed breasts, not too large, not too small, just in perfect proportion to her.

        Goddess, I’m starting to ramble and have sexual daydreams! It’s time to for me to remember who I am and ‘stop this foolishness,’ as Father always said.

Tuesday Night: She did it again. I didn’t think it was possible but she did. No, I don’t mean she kissed me again…well, actually she did, more than once but I’ll get to that.

        No, what she did was impress me, astound me, amaze me and perhaps increase my admiration for her even more. I wouldn’t have thought that was possible, but she has. Oh Mother, I really wish you were here to meet Willow. She’d amaze you, too, I know it. I just don’t deserve anyone like her. She’s too good for me. How can someone like her lower herself to be interested in me. I just don’t see it. Please Mother, tell me I’m not being self centered and selfish for trying to love her and have her for myself. Doesn’t she deserve someone who’s her equal, who’s as special and fantastic as she is? Maybe she would be better off with Oz, they had such a close relationship together, did so much, fought against evil, things I couldn’t even imagine. How can I ever live up to all that she is?

        And what sort of idiot is this Oz? How could he walk out on her? How could he abandon such a perfect gem and cause her so much sorrow? Didn’t he think about what he was doing to her? Didn’t he realize the damage he was causing? I’m sorry, I don’t get angry, not hardly ever, but he hurt Willow. What sort of grade A moron would ever do that, especially if he claimed to love her? Clearly he and Willow shared more than most people do. I’d never let her go if she loved me, if she wanted me. I’d do anything, fight anyone, to stay with her. And I damn well would never abandon her.

        Great, now I’m what…manic? Having intense swings of emotion? Is that what love does or is it just me?

        Never mind. The important thing is that she came over late this afternoon. She didn’t call and I was listening to music for a change. Just sort of sitting with my trig book open, staring at the numbers and wondering which ones would lead to a convergence of the Tara and Willow lines, would they part on tangent paths after a short conjunction or stay together, go through their own sine wave of happiness and hardships? I did say Willow-track mind didn’t I?

        I listened to the love songs and found myself softly humming along, wondering which ones she’d like, hoping that the words could actually come true for us. It was nice and Willow’s image was so bright and steady within my mind that I couldn’t help bringing my energy forth. Without even trying I saw her, only this time all in shimmering gold with silver and red highlights. It wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful as she is, but still the shining image of my Willow made my heart heavy with joy and love.

        I probably sighed longingly like the lovesick fool I am, when suddenly there was a familiar knock on the door. Oh yes, I’ve come to recognize, even look forward to, that knock of hers. I hastily drew my energy back in and went to the door feeling like I had been caught with my pants down, blushing as if from doing something naughty.

        She was standing there wearing jeans and a cheery sort of yellowish shirt with some cartoon figures on it, a big smile playing across her face. I grinned back like a loon and welcomed her in, but suddenly a wave of apprehension and nervousness crept over me. Her aura was even more scattered and wild than normal. Something was bothering or worrying her quite a bit and I could tell by the way she babbled about being sorry she hadn’t come by earlier that she was in a tense, anxious state.

        At the time I recall fearing that something bad had happened or that she had decided to announce she never wanted to see me again, and didn’t want to let me down hard. But though a flare of panic went through me, bright and incandescent, it was momentary. On second thought I didn’t get a sense of either of these things from her. It was almost like she was afraid of me somehow, how I might react maybe. Which is just plain ridiculous of course, what does she have to fear from me, besides that I might love her and need her more than she can give me?

        Whatever the case she picked up on my sudden ill ease and that seemed to feed her own, and before you know it we had a regular babble-fest going on. She tried to assure me that she was fine and that nothing had happened and that she had wanted to come by but didn’t want to put me in any danger and how that was the last thing she ever wanted and I told her that it was all right and that I understood and that when I meant if she ever needed my help that wasn’t just with easy stuff and all. Or basically that’s what I think we got across, though I really can’t be sure.

        After a few minutes of this, and I still don’t which of us began first, we both started giggling and then laughing. It was one of those ‘you had to be there’ things, but it was so great to hear her laughter. Whatever pent up tensions she had must have been released and her aura seemed brighter and less troubled than I had seen it in quite some time.

        We collected ourselves after awhile and made a little small talk about how school was going. She noticed the trig book and expressed some guilt over not helping me as much lately, but that she’d rectify that soon and asked how I was doing. That sort of thing.

        For my part I was also examining her for any cuts, bruises or other signs of injury. I just wanted to be sure she was all right. I’d already had the notion of cataloging all the healing herbs and gathering as many as possible, looking into whatever healing magics there might be, and now I certainly am going to make that a priority! I just want to be able to do whatever I can to aid my Willow, little as it may be. Fortunately she didn’t seem hurt at all, which was a great relief.

        She noticed that I had my radio on and commented on the band, comparing them to a few others she had seen play live here in Sunnydale. I was pretty surprised at that, but then I recalled she had dated a musician, she’d probably have gone to lots of concerts, though she seemed to be truly interested in a variety of styles.

        We spent a while talking about who we did or didn’t like. I didn’t have as broad a knowledge as her by any stretch and she must think I’m vapid, just into whatever stuff is on top 40. I hope I didn’t disappoint her. The more we talked though, the more nervous and fidgety she got. Her arms waved more and more, she had to get up and pace a bit. It got me worried all over again and then I was very nervous as well.

        She finally sat down next to me on the bed and said that she needed to talk about some serious stuff. Instantly I was on guard and tying to prepare myself for the big let down. The “I like you and all but just can’t continue seeing you,” or something to that effect. I must have missed what she said next as she had to repeat herself saying that what she was about to tell me I couldn’t tell to anyone else, not even family.

        OK, now I was confused, though also still ill at ease. I rushed to tell her that I would never repeat anything she said to me in confidence to anyone else. Not that I could since I don’t actually have any other friends, and though I may go back home when I have to, they still don’t even know where I am and I’ll die before I tell them about Willow. I’d never want to…sully her by telling them about her.

        She then began by saying that that spell involving Thespia, to locate demons, she’d wanted to do it because she had thought it might have helped her friend Buffy, who’s also her roommate. She said that Buffy was the Chosen One, the Slayer, and that they had been friends ever since Buffy moved to Sunnydale in her sophmore year of High School.

        Now, I have heard the term Vampire Slayer before and had a vague idea of what she meant and said as much as I knew. She filled me in on how Buffy hunts vampires, demons and evil creatures, has supernatural strength, speed and resiliency. Along with Willow and some of her other friends: Xander who Willow’s known since they were in kindergarten, Oz who became her boyfriend, Cordelia who she didn’t like much but Xander started dating which hurt Willow a lot because she had a crush on him for the longest time but he ignored her until it was too late, and Angel a 200 year old vampire cursed with a soul and now good. All of them fought evil and helped Buffy to patrol and keep Sunnydale safe. Mr. Giles also helps as he is Buffy’s Watcher, a member of a British organization that trains and advises the Slayer though he got fired for sticking up for Buffy and becoming too close to her.

        She then went on to tell me a bit about some of the stuff they’ve faced. How the mayor actually performed an Ascension to become a true demon and they blew him up along with the High School. How they stopped Angel when he was evil from bringing some demon called the judge back to kill all the people in the world or from using Acathla to suck the world into a Hell Dimension. How Oz, her, Xander and Cordelia patrolled during one summer while Buffy ran away because she had to kill Angel while he was evil, before he came back, and that they dusted six vampires by themselves.

        She went on for a bit, there was more that I didn’t quite follow, and then said the reason that the spell had been so important was because they thought a Polgara demon had escaped and been on the loose and she wanted to find it before it hurt anyone so Buffy could kill it, but now that didn’t matter as it had really been some creature called Adam made from demon, human and machine parts who was still running around. He had been made by the Initiative which Buffy’s boyfriend, Riley, was part of and had been hurt and no ones’ seen him in days and the Initiative tried to kill Buffy which is also why they’re all hiding out.

        I think I just sat there too stunned to think or comprehend it all. I think I’m still having problems assimilating everything, the enormity of it.

        But, oh my sweet Willow. Goddess she’s so incredible. She’s so small and though Buffy may have super powers she certainly hasn’t, and yet she’s helped stop the world from ending, fought demons and vampires and who knows all what? That must be how she got hurt before. No wonder the Gentlemen barely freaked her out. Sure she said she mostly helped with research and computer hacking and safe stuff, but she has literally fought against the forces of darkness. And when she was so young.

        She really is the most amazing woman ever. Smart, so pretty and stunning she does make me want to drool, intelligent, talented at so many things, and now a true heroine, too. Wow. My eyes tear up just thinking about it. I mean Mother always said we should protect those less fortunate, less able, but here’s someone who’s actually done that for years. It’s so overwhelming. I didn’t think I could love her more.

        Or be more afraid. What’ll happen when she finds out I’m half demon? That I have evil inside me? The magic is natural, part of nature and the Goddess and God, isn’t it? I’ve always tried not angering Father or Donny, not causing trouble. I don’t feel evil, I don’t want to be bad, I swear I don’t.

        I’m all right now. I won’t start crying again, at least not in great wracking sobs. Maybe I’ll just sit here and write and leak and drip. There’s no way that Willow could ever love someone like me. She doesn’t date demons, she helps hunt them, kill them. I’m just so scared, cold, alone. I don’t know what to do, what to think. Mother I need your help, you always knew how to take the sting of life away, put things in perspective. If I was back home I’d call on your spirit, but I can’t do that here, it’s just not possible.

        I wish Willow were here.

        I knew she deserved someone better than me. Someone good, who can stand beside her, whose love isn’t tainted. Can evil creatures really love someone else? I know I love her, I do, with all my heart and soul. That has to mean something doesn’t it. Maybe I’m only a little bit evil? Maybe the demon in me won’t come out when I’m twenty? Love is salvation isn’t it? I have to believe that, I have to be strong and hope that there’s hope.

        Goddess, I don’t know how I managed to hang on and not burst into tears in front of her, scare her off or let on that I’m not what I appear. Maybe I was just too numb then, things hadn’t settled in yet.

        But that wasn’t it, she hadn’t finished astonishing me yet.

After we had, well, she really, talked for a while, told me some of what they’d done, how cool she thought Buffy was, how good a friend Xander was, how much she admired and respected Mr. Giles, a bit on why all this made Oz leaving her hurt so much more, she finally asked if I was OK with all this.

        What could I say? The vast uncharted depths of Willow were opening and revealing important vistas, stuff she’s shared with hardly anyone else. Can I handle that she fights vampires and monsters? Yes, that’s not a problem. Could I tell her that it just makes my love for her that much deeper? Well, no, she might not scare easy, but perhaps that could still do it.

        I asked her more about Buffy, about the others, how they did stuff, how often they got hurt…that sort of thing. And I’m scared for her, too. I told her that it did make me fearful that she might get injured, maybe even killed. I was concerned and I think I did say how impressive it was that she did all this. No thanks from anyone, no pay, no reward other than knowing others were safe. I was, and probably still am, in awe. She’s so small and fragile, yet her inner strength is enormous. No wonder she could be such a powerful witch.

        She looked at me with that odd gaze again and smiled. She’d touched my arm or hand now and then while we were talking, but at this point she consciously reached out and took my hands in hers for a moment, a sweet little pause, and then let them go and looked sort of perplexed and rattled and stood up and walked to the window and stood there observing the campus.

        I heard her let out a breath and say my name, but it was soft and tentative. For a second I wasn’t sure she’d even spoken. But then she turned and said my name again. Anything sounds so sweet coming from her, but there was something in the way she said my name that was different. It was…I don’t know, so unsure and yet full of emotion, and maybe even kinda possessive.

        I just nodded shyly but kept my eyes on her, knowing she was trying to say something important. She came back and sat by me, though a little further away than before with her hands tightly clasped in her lap.

        She said my name a third time and went on with, “about the other night, and the last time when I left,” and I felt like the room was starting to swirl and I thought this must be it, the end.

        She said that she’d never done anything like that before, at least not with someone like me, a girl of the female persuasion. I could tell she was really flustered and full of trepidation now. She had a very doubtful expression on her face and yet she kept her eyes, those magnificent emerald orbs, locked on mine. She went on saying that she didn’t want me to get wigged out or feel uncomfortable around her and that she’d understand perfectly if I hated her or didn’t feel the same and she could always just leave, though she said that last with a faint voice that quavered and broke. But, she continued that she found that she was starting to like me in more than a friendly way, not a bad way, she hoped, and she didn’t mean like an enemy or something, but in a sort of I want to kiss you and hold you some more sort of way, if I knew what she meant.

        I was floored, I couldn’t believe it. Here she was, trying to protect me. She was concerned about shielding me from a possibly unwanted advance, interest that I might find objectionable. So nervous and solicitous of my feelings. She shocked me to my roots a second time in one afternoon. It was like everything I’d ever wanted had just stepped into view and was within reach, all I had to do was reach out.

        I tried to say something past the lump in my throat, look her in the face but everything was so blurry and my voice just wouldn’t work. I don’t think I was crying, but I knew that at any moment the tears would spill over. And then I saw dawning horror and the saddest, most self loathing expression I’ve ever seen start to form on her face. I realized that I hadn’t said a thing.

        And suddenly I found myself speaking clearly, without a stutter. I told her that it was ok, I preferred girls, I always had; that I’d never had a friend like her before but that I liked her in a hold you and kiss you sort of way, too.

        And mercifully that pained expression was gone and that funny look along with a tentative quirk of a smile was back. This time I reached for her hands and took them as I beamed back. I reassured her I’d never been into guys and that I thought she was a special and wonderful girl, the most beautiful I’d ever known. I was careful to avoid the ‘Gay’ or ‘Lesbian’ word just in case though.

        She asked, “Really?” as if afraid that she hadn’t heard right, that I might still be teasing her somehow.

        I nodded and then drew her closer to me and kissed her as fully and completely as I could. She responded without any delay or hesitation. We’d kissed a bit before, but this time as we went on our tongues finally met and we explored each other’s mouths in a passion of need and longing that was almost transcendent. It was as if suddenly my heart was whole, and nothing but the feel of her around and within me existed. A sensation much like our connection during magic lit up our bodies; sent a tingle of excitement, thrill and emotion racing through us.

        For once I had no doubts that she felt the same. We kissed more intensely than before and time passed yet didn’t.

        But eventually we stopped, or slowed down, I guess our bodies or minds aren’t built for such intense feelings for any length of time. The position of the sun, lazily drifting lower and lower into the room indicated that it was getting late.

        We lay sideways across the bed where we had fallen back, both on our sides, hands on each other’s shoulders or hips. Her eyes looked so peaceful and content, a deeper green than usual, and her hair hung feathersoft just above her brow. I think we both smiled at the same moment, a silent communication of acceptance, closeness and mutual desire now, finally, able to be acknowledged.

        And yet we both knew she had to go. Buffy was waiting for her. The Initiative and Adam were still out there, somewhere, and she couldn’t let her friends worry about where she was or if something had happened to her. So we hauled ourselves up off the bed. She looked so radiant in the setting sunlight, highlighted all in orangish-gold almost like in my energy form. A vision of an angel beyond compare who had brought the possibility of heaven into my life.

        The moment passed as she gathered up her backpack and prepared to go. I hovered near drawn by love’s own gravity. She kissed me one last time and promised that she’d make sure to at least call me tomorrow, if not come over.

        I told her to be careful, to look after herself, and remember that I was here waiting for her, she was welcome at any time, for any reason. She gave my arm a squeeze, smiled and left.

        Goddess, I’m so tired. Exhausted by the time spent with my Willow. Drained by emotions snapped too and fro as if on a bungee cord gone out of control. Love, anger, fear, sorrow, joy, concern and probably more have all cascaded through me to the point that I no longer know exactly what I’m feeling.

        No, that’s not entirely true. I know I love Willow, that my regard for her has grown. How could I not love such a person as her? I guess there’s still an underlying fear that if she ever finds out what I truly am, that things will be over between us and that I’ll lose her forever. But there is an ‘us’ now, or at the very least the possibility of an us. If I weren’t so scared that I’d still blow it, wake up and find that she was just fooling with me, that my evil side would ruin things before they go further or her friend the Slayer came for me, I would be ecstatic, enraptured even by the time we’ve spent together, by the firm and passionate caresses of her lips, the bold questing of her tongue. And if I am honest, there is anger too; at Oz for leaving her so abruptly, though without that none of this would have been possible so perhaps I should be grateful there, maybe a bit of annoyance with Buffy and Xander and all for not giving her the succor that she needed, and finally at myself for not telling her the full truth now, for sabotaging her efforts which could have led to someone getting injured or worse.

        Oh, Mother, I remember how you tried to help me after I found out that Mary Jo was just using me to get to Donny. It was the last time I came to you in tears. I was so angry, upset, disappointed, sad, and I had sort of liked her, wanted her to like me. It’s when I told you I was interested in girls.

I remember how you told me there were times when emotions just overwhelmed us because we were part of the storm that caused them in the first place. That I just needed to find the calm amongst the cyclone, think of all the good things in my life, Miss Whiskers my kitty, the Goddess, nature around us, whatever I loved, and then realize that these things were there yesterday, and would be there still tomorrow. All I had to do was accept that this was the way I felt, understand why I had each emotion and then work to reduce or transform the negative ones, make something beneficial, useful, out of them; and to enhance the positive ones through more positive actions or thoughts. You always said that negativity attracted more of the same and I had to just take each day as it came.

I know I need to do that now, but it’s so hard, the storm’s so strong. I wish I still had Miss Whiskers, she was such a playful cat, so soft and warm. She always wanted to be held, would snuggle up with me at night, and didn’t mind if my tears got her fur a little wet. Maybe I need to see about getting a new kitty. I could use all the help I can get now.

Continued Immediately below...

Edited by: Garner at: 12/15/03 2:18 pm

 Post subject: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 12:11 pm 
OK, Here is the second part of From the Journal of Tara McClay, Pt 7, This Year's Girl. Obviously I have to edit a bit more heavily...


Wednesday Afternoon: I didn’t sleep real well last night. I had this dream of Willow coming over to my room, and us holding hands, doing magic and then kissing. It was great but then this big, athletic blonde haired girl burst into the room with a wooden stake and said there was evil present. Several others followed and said that they had tracked it down to here and a soldier pointed a gun right at me.

        Willow turned back towards me and I saw horror and disgust mar that wonderful face, revulsion in her sweet green eyes. I looked down and I was this hideous gray, warty skinned creature with bowed legs and long, lank, pale hair.

        I reached a hand out towards Willow but a dark cloud seemed to form around my hand and she screamed. I turned to hide myself from her sight and the next thing I knew I was running across the campus trying to get away, the big Slayer woman and the soldier pursued me. Shots rang out and I fell and then Buffy jumped on me, spun my body to face her and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get away and then she jabbed the stake through my heart!

        Stupid dream. I’m not going to let anything ruin my chances with Willow. She’s the most important thing in my life, nothing else matters. She said that she wanted to hold and kiss me more. Goddess, she might somehow beyond all reasonable probability actually be…what? Falling for me? Is that really possible?

        I can’t do anything but hope and pray that it is.

        She means the world to me. I can’t help who I am, what I might be. All I can do is believe that if she hasn’t seen the evil in me when we’ve done magic, still wants to be with me, that maybe the evil isn’t that strong after all. Maybe, just maybe, my love for her will be enough to keep it at bay forever, never let it come out. Dare I even think or hope that?

        It doesn’t matter, I have to.

        Just like I have to do all that I can to help her, too. If she is the Slayer’s friend, puts herself in danger to help others, then how can I not give her as much support as possible?

        I am getting the healing herbs together, will look into the powers of crystals and spells, be ready if something ever does happen to her, but even more importantly I’ve decided I’m going to give her a charm to shield her from danger and harm. I have a small silver ring that I also found in the attic, that I think must have been grandma’s. Father doesn’t know I have it. I was going to use it, sell it, if I didn’t get the scholarship, have it pay for my first year here. I had it appraised and it’s worth quite a lot. Now I’m going to use it to anchor a spell for my Willow. I can’t think of a better use for it. It’s the most valuable thing I have, pure, unblemished and that’s exactly what she is to me.

        Tonight I’ll prepare the proper ritual material, get everything together, and then the next day get up early and at dawn I’ll perform the spell. I have a metal engraver that I used for my athame, crucible and cup for the Craft. I can practice today to make sure I get the symbols right.

        I suppose it would be a bit stronger, more effective if I did it with Willow’s help, but I want to do this myself, for her. Let her know that I’m not, what did she say, wigged, by what she does, that I want to be part of anything that’s important in her life. And it might help set my mind at ease a bit. I have to confess that the thought of her going out into the night, even with Buffy’s presence, is very worrisome. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to her, Goddess forefend.

        I think I’ll just listen to my Willow tape once and then get to work.

Thursday Night: She called and gave me a quick update. Still no Riley, he’s Buffy’s boyfriend in the Initiative who was injured by the Adam monster, right? Why does he sound familiar? No matter, I guess her friend is going out of her mind with worry. Now there’s something I can relate to. It also strengthens my resolve to make sure I do this correctly, and with as much power as I can muster. I won’t let her down.

        She said she’d been thinking about me all last night. That she wished she could be with me, but would stop by tomorrow no matter what. My heart seemed to catch when she said all this. I just can’t imagine it, her thinking about me!

        Goddess, I’ve got to give thanks for her being in my life. I’ve got to just concentrate on how much I love her. Maybe she does deserve better, but I’m going to make her as happy as I possibly can. When she smiles at me, gives me that funny look, or when she laughs it’s like my whole being is lit up. Her aura flares so brightly then, I can tell how happy she is. I never want her to ever, ever, regret any time she spends with me.

        I also can’t wait to see her tomorrow. I never get tired of looking at her, staring really. I have a big goofy grin on my face now, I can tell. It’s my Willow-grin. It’s because of and only for her. I can’t wait to give her the ring.

Friday Morning: I did it. Everything went perfectly.

        I got up early and went out to the spot where we celebrated the solstice together as I thought that would be a favorable location, what with both of our essences having mingled there. On the way I got some clear-running stream water to help cleanse the area and the ring itself.

        It was a beautiful night or false dawn, not quite as cool as previously, but with the stars so brilliant, and night air crisp and clear. It almost seemed like the Goddess and God were smiling down on me, giving their approval of my endeavor. Like Mother said, positive thoughts and positive actions lead to positive returns.

        I cleansed, raised the circle, invoked the Goddess and God, and then began the spell. As I spoke the words the entire area was bathed in a soft golden glow punctuated by a silver nimbus around the ring which grew brighter and brighter.

        I…I didn’t have anything of hers to help focus the spell so I used my tape with her voice on it. I had carefully unspooled the magnetic strip and twirled it around the ring. I held a mental image of her pristine and healthy in my mind, and as I embedded the protection and blessing within the ring there was a bright red flash and for a moment it smelt of her. I thought of all that she meant to me, how lucky and blessed I was to have her in my life, all the incredible things she was, and continued to focus my will and pour all the power I could gather, all that I could stand, into that glowing silver band as if my life, my soul, depended on it, because it does. I gave all that I felt I could and then more. Finally I collapsed to the ground and the light faded like an afterimage.

        I was breathing heavy, drenched in sweat and tired like I’ve never been from spellcasting. I rested for a moment and then could barely stand and hobble to the ring. The tape was nothing but ash, but I expected that. The ring itself had been sort of tarnished, no polishing had brought out the luster and richness that now virtually exploded from it. The symbols along the inside had a deep blue hue and seemed as sharp and rich as any picture of the ocean I’ve ever seen. At the time it was still faintly warm to the touch.

        I rested for awhile longer as the rising sun’s rays played over me, and a breathtaking dawn unfolded around me. I’m glad I decided to do this, I think, hope, that it bodes well for Willow and me.

Friday Night: Willow’s going to spend the night again. This time not because we’re too exhausted and yet oddly elated from spellcasting, but because she wants to stay with me. She doesn’t have to, she could be hiding someplace else, but she’s not. She’s off taking a shower, changing into some night things I gave her since she didn’t want to go by her dorm before we got back. She’ll look a little silly in my stuff, it’s a couple sizes too big at least, but I know she’ll still look amazing.

        Great, now I’m actually all nervous again. I mean, she’s beautiful, stunning, a total babe!J All that and so much more. Her body might not be the perfect ideal of beauty, but I wouldn’t change a thing. What will she think of me? Maybe I should wear more than just my shorts and t-shirt? I hope she isn’t too disappointed.

        She came over this afternoon like she said, and I could immediately tell something was seriously wrong. Her aura was vibrant, and showed anger, hurt and a little tinge of sorrow, too. It was odd, I’ve never seen her like this before.

        I asked her what the matter was, if anything was wrong and she told me about one of Buffy’s old foes. A woman called Faith, who happens to be a Slayer as well, only one that’s gone bad. I thought there could only be one Chosen One, hence the oneness, but she said that Buffy had died and that Xander revived Buffy so she was only technically dead for a minute at most, but it was long enough for Faith to be chosen.

        This Faith was in a coma because buffy stabbed her, and now was back awake and wandering about campus, or the Sunnydale area out looking for revenge.

        She spoke Faith’s name with such venom that I had to ask why she got under Willow’s skin so much. She explained that when they first met, Faith hadn’t been bad yet, that she had sort of monopolized Willow’s friends. She seemed really embarrassed and I told her it was OK, she could tell me as much or as little as she liked, but that sometimes talking about things helps relieve pent up feelings, ease the tension. And believe me she was tense. Her beautiful muscles all rigid and hard, pacing about, an annoyed look on her face.

        Well, she continued with how Buffy started relying on Faith more and it felt like she was losing her best friend, like she wasn’t wanted to help out anymore, it made her feel useless, extraneous. I rushed to reassure her that that could never be the case. She was too valuable and important to Buffy and Mr. Giles to ever have that happen.

        She smiled and brushed my arm and went on about how Faith also slept with Xander. I know she had a crush on Xander for the longest time, and that it devastated her to see him pining after Buffy, after Cordelia, anyone but her. I think she always assumed that Xander would be her first, and she his, but that wasn’t to be. I could see, sense, the pain in her still.

        I don’t know how it happened exactly, but all of a sudden my arms were around her, hugging her to me. She wasn’t crying, though I think her eyes were a little moist with reflected misery. I kissed her cheek and forehead and didn’t say anything.

        After a while we parted and she said that Faith joined up with the mayor and almost killed Angel, that she had killed a person and seemed to revel in it. At one point the bitch even had a knife against Willow’s throat!

        That thought made my skin crawl and my stomach churn. How could anyone threaten her?

        I took the opportunity to show her the ring that I had prepared. I told her it was a protective charm that I had made to help keep her safe from harm and that it would make me feel better if I knew she had it, that she wasn’t without some protection.

        She looked at the ring and then at me and for a second I thought she was going to cry. She definitely had that strange look and said that no one had ever given her such a fine gift, she didn’t think she deserved it because the metal felt old and very valuable.

        I couldn’t tell her exactly how valuable, but I did say that I’d enchanted it specifically for her and that it would no longer be of much use to anyone else.

        She thanked me and kissed me and put it on with a smile. I was just glad that I’d know I’d done something to contribute, what I could. Which is when she said she felt bad now because she had a request to make of me. Since Faith was at large doing who knows what, and it was kinda Buffy’s responsibility to capture her, what with Faith being a Slayer and all, she sort of hoped that I could come with her and help look for her. She rushed to say that I didn’t have to if I had class or a project or something more pressing, that she’d understand.

        I just smiled a little and said I’d be happy to go with her.

        As we walked downstairs she reiterated that chasing after Faith was above and beyond the call of duty, that I didn’t have to come with. I wanted to know what we’d do if we found her, worried that she might want to try and catch the bad Slayer herself. Willow can be such an overachiever sometimes.

        But she said we’d run away, that this was just recon. I had to laugh and say she really was a cool monster fighter. I am so glad I got a chance to see this side of her. She’s decisive, in charge, cool and collected. Goddess how I love her. I was afraid I wouldn’t be much help. I’ve never been in a fight and not very good at that sort of thing.

        She said Faith had this sort of prostitute look and we’d recognize her easily, and I could tell that even her mannerisms bugged her. Five by Five, what the hell is that supposed to mean? I swear I never get some of the ‘hip’ slang culture that big city people put on.

        Anyway, we did our ‘recon’ without any incidents. No Faith. No need to fight or run away. We checked all over campus and downtown. While we walked we talked a bit, but she wanted to stay alert and make sure we saw Faith first, so it was mostly short snatches of conversation.

        Still, even just walking with her, being with her, out in public was cool. The silences aren’t awkward and when we do speak of something, it’s always fun, small talk or not. I still can’t believe how at ease I am with her.

        We got some fast food salads and chicken sandwiches and then headed back. Wow, that was our first meal out together. Simple, not a date, but still. It was nice and even sort of normal given our mission.

        We came back and she helped me with my trig some more, we talked about a few spells to try in the future. She thought it would be a good idea to try summoning a nature or elemental spirit together, maybe try some more transmutations, experiment with the doll’s eye crystal again. So many things we could do together.

        We kissed of a while. She didn’t say anything more about us, but it was a bit later and we were both on the bed and our eyes met and our hands were already touching. It seemed like the most natural and wonderful thing in the world.

        We continued and continued and now I’m terribly excited and she’s going to be sleeping in the same bed as me and I just don’t know what to do. Should I kiss her again, while we’re there? Should I try and touch her, feel her smooth stomach, her small breasts, or is that too much, too fast? Goddess I want her so much. I can feel the heat in…down below, feel the moistness increase at the thought of being so close to her. At one point my nipples actually hurt I was so aroused. Is that supposed to happen, is that normal?

        I don’t want to make her feel awkward, do something to jeopardize what we have. I still don’t know exactly how far she’s thought this through, how far she feels comfortable going. I just have no experience at this, and though I know she does, sort of, she’s also going through a tremendous period of confusion and unsurety.

She’s coming back. Goddess just let me do the right thing.


Edited by: Garner at: 12/15/03 2:21 pm

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 1:48 pm 
Well, I was just about to comment with a pleading "For the love of god UPDATE..pleeeeeeease" but you DID update and a GOOD update so YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!! How PSYCHICish of you to do so just before I asked :shock :applause :applause :applause :clap

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 3:35 pm 
VERRRRRRY Nice! I can't wait to read more! Excellent job!

Keep up the good work!

-Cin aka FIRESIGN:glasses

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 3:50 pm 
What an update! That was wonderful! With the kissage, and them talking, and the kissage, and the protection ring, and the kissage and now Willow staying over! Good stuff indeed! This has been a bright spot in an otherwise crappy day.


Forgive me now! Tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty...

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 4:17 pm 
That was a pretty good cliffhanger. Way to keep your readers coming back for more :)

But seriously, I'm enjoying this story - I really like the diary perspective. It's something new and different on this board, and it works really well.

But, she continued that she found that she was starting to like me in more than a friendly way, not a bad way, she hoped, and she didn’t mean like an enemy or something, but in a sort of I want to kiss you and hold you some more sort of way, if I knew what she meant.

This whole (can I say scene? or is account more appropriate?) was wonderful. This is so something that Willow would say - and it broke my heart reading about how at first Tara didn't respond, and Willow was crestfallen, but then Tara spoke up, and Willow smiled, and Tara smiled and it was just one big awww :)

And incidentally, wasn't the episode called This Year's Girl?


Tinna Karen

-tölvunörd í fyrsta ættlið

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 5:04 pm 
So sweet how Tara worked so very hard to make that protection charm. Even if she can't tell Willow how verrrrry verrrrry much she loves her and wants her she can pour it into that ring and give that to Willow. That's how I read it anyway :) It's a bonus it also happens to protect Willow, though I'm unclear how and against what. (lots of different forms of evil in Sunnydale)

Speaking of evil, it's heartwrenching to see Tara think so much about her being a demon. I can understand why should would, with her not-so-nice father and all... but still it's sad to see her wasting energy and happiness on such thoughts.

The references to the 'Willow tape' keep amusing me. Hopefully she had more then one as at least one tape was sacrificed for the greater good :p . It is good to see Tara think like this:
Maybe she does deserve better, but I'm going to make her as happy as I possibly can.
At least she's moving in the right direction with her thoughts :-).

Nice change of spirit when the Faith-Willow-knife incident was mentioned/thought of, heh. I liked that, when it comes to protecting Willow (even if after the fact:-) Tara isn't so shy anymore.


"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 5:22 pm 
I wish I could give you more than a big "awww" but I'm just overcome by the sweetness of how Tara's gotten kind of protective and more determined to keep Willow, and to hell with what everyone else says.

You've stepped right into Tara's head... something I wish I could do.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Thu Dec 11, 2003 10:12 pm 
I am really enjoying reading about Tara's turmoil during these times. I can't wait to see what Tara is thinking during WAY. This is a very significant episode for Willow and Tara's relationship. I think this episode is the final proof there is something more than friendship going on between Willow and Tara though I don't believe they have gotten to the making love stage yet.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.

Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2003 10:29 am 
Hey Garner :) Just found this fic today and I have really enjoyed reading it. I love reading Tara's thoughts durung that early time with Willow and how she directs a lot of those thoughts and questions to her mother. Of course their relationship is progressing now and so Tara's thoughts during WAY should be interesting too read and how you deal with what went on after the flaming O spell.

Looking forward to seeing what goes on next. Thanks for the great fic.

So, the day started and I knew my name and had my pants on. So far, so good. Yay.
Amber Benson

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Fri Dec 12, 2003 1:53 pm 
Wow, this is just excellent!! Loved the update a whole lot! :bounce

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Sun Dec 14, 2003 10:48 pm 
Garner that was just perfect. I read it a few days ago but I am going to reread now. I really enjoyed it. Just the right tone of angst and satisfaction. Tara's so all over the place with her emotions but I like to see her just being in love , it's so good for her, like a natural state. I liked the way Willow brought up the whole issue of them. It was so powerful for Tara to hear how much she's wanted. To see fear of rejection in someone else's eyes.

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Mon Dec 15, 2003 3:28 pm 
It’s cool to see that everyone seems to have liked this part. At first I thought it would be rather short and not that important, more of a step toward Who Are You, but as I thought about it, the more I realized there were a number of important developments that probably occurred here. Unforunately the next part might be a little while in coming. It will take me a tad longer to get this one right, I think, so bear with the delay.

Imjustme, hey, maybe it was the tinfoil hat I’ve been wearing for the last week! J What, that was the turkey covering? Rats! Well I wouldn’t want to make a kitten plead, so hopefully the next one won’t be too long in coming.

Firesgin, glad you liked it, will hope not to disappoint.

RaiStarr, yeah, it is nice to be into the part of the relationship where they finally get to kiss and all that. Hey, if anything I’ve done has cheered anyone up than I’m happy and have done my job. Glad to oblige. Hope the next few days are better.

Tinnakaren, well, since it was a two parter on the show with a cliff hanger…what they hey! Sometimes it surprises me that the diary style works. I am pleased that I am getting Willow’s character across as well as Tara’s. And yeah, it should be This Year’s Girl, for some reason I keep on thinking of it as Yesterday’s Girl, don’t know why. Glad you caught that though.

Grimlock, I think you read it right, Tara certainly felt that way. As for how effective the protection is, well, I don’t think Willow gets hurt after she meets Tara does she? I think the protection is just a general warding type of thing. At least Tara is starting to have happier thoughts and being a bit more positive now, and yes, definitely protective.

Tempest Duer, hey, Tara and Willow are inherently cute so having sweetness and awwwws is no work on my part but thanks to them. And I think Willow would be really pissed if I stepped into Tara’s head, it would be messy, one way or another! J

Rose24, yeah WAY is a BIG ep and that’s why I’m going to take a little longer on it. As for how far they go then, well, as the How Fast Were W/T thread shows everyone has their own ideas and there’s a lot of room for debate. Hopefully mine will seem logical and natural.

Puff, that was a lot of material to wade through if you’ve just started it. Nice to hear that it was worth it. Normally I like to write complete stories, I’m always worried extended multi-part stuff will get repetitive or boring or off track. Hope you continue to stick with me.

Allykat, I aim to please! Unfortunately I’m blind in one eye and my aim isn’t always that good! J

Xita, well it might have been perfect if I had gotten the darn title right! J Sad. Anyway, glad that you liked that bit, I thought it had to be Willow to bring it up since Tara would be too unsure and nervous to do so. Tara’s emotions were all over the chart, but fortunately her love for Willow is winning out, and she’s getting the positive reinforcement she needs, finally.

Well, thanks again for the sentiment. Good luck with Christmas shopping and don’t let the holiday season get you down!


 Post subject: Re: From the Journal of Tara McClay Pt 7 B
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2003 5:59 am 
Okay, so I know this is crappy feedback, but I just wanna say one thing...

FLAMING O SPELL!!! Ow yeah, baby! Woohoo!!!

That's coming up, right? Right!?!

Aw heck, take your time, I'll be here waiting... sitting in the school's library... headgear on... listening to Rally's amazing vids... And reading this great story!

Thanks Garner for making my crappy testweek a whole lot better!!!


"I believe in love surviving death into eternity" - Savage Garden, Affirmation

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