Well, this ep actually grew a bit more than I would have expected. Interesting how there are still some surprises left here or there in something I've seen and read about many times. Hope everyone is still into this.
I cannot believe this is too big to fit in one post. Firk ding blast! Fine, here it is in two parts, again. Sheesh.
Title: From the journal of Tara McClay Pt. 7 A & B
Rating: PG
Summary: The events during This Year's Girl in Season 4.
Note: Written December 2003. The entries are no longer consecutive days, some gaps appear. I have also speculated about the exact time that passes once Willow and Tara get together to hunt Faith and the events of Who Are You begin. It’s a bit unclear exactly how much time passes, I may be adding in an extra day, possibly not, but I feel this works so…
THIS YEAR’S GIRL
Sunday Afternoon: It’s been three days and I haven’t heard from her. Friday wasn’t so bad as I’d just seen her and I had a couple of quizzes and that kept my attention, Saturday was more difficult but I managed to get to the library and do some studying, well, I looked at the pages and did something constructive, probably. But now I’m just a nervous wreck. I suppose I should be continue doing homework while I can, but I’m just so worried. Goddess what if my sabotaging the spell puts her in danger or leads to her getting hurt? I don’t think I could live with myself if that were the case.
I can’t stop thinking about her and what she might be doing. OK, I haven’t been able to think about much but her since I first saw her; a vision of beauty and life, impish, kinda tentative in a fetching sort of way, yet oh so brave and bold. Yeah, ever since then I’ve had a Willow-track mind!
And she kissed me again. Just three days ago, but it’s still so clear in my mind.
It’s funny, I must sound like a cheap harlequin romance. ‘Our lips touched and my knees buckled as the tender, moist skin made contact and electricity shot through me. It only lasted but the briefest of moments, but that moment could have been an eternity during which my soul was saved by the simplest of actions.’ But, that’s how I really do feel. When she kisses me time slows, the universe does contract, I lose control of my body and the sensations that course through me are powerful beyond words.
And it may truly save my soul. If love has any redemptive powers please let it override my evil nature, my demon side. Deliver me from loneliness and the barren solitude I’ve had to endure. I can see why those with artistic talent are moved to write, paint, create music to celebrate the feeling.
Aaah, I probably put too much importance into love, into something that happens every day for thousands of people. And yet, for me, this seems to run so much beyond just love. It’s like I’ve known her forever, like she’s a part of me, a missing segment without which I’m incomplete and somehow lesser. I wonder if she feels anything remotely similar?
What does she see in me? Really, why has she kissed me? I’m not anything to look at, I’m not that bright, certainly not as smart as she is, but then she’s also so stunning she could have anyone she wants, I’m nowhere near as powerful as her, definitely not as popular. She has friends that she’s close to and whom she obviously cares about quite a bit. I’ve never even had one close friend. Except for now.
Am I really in love or am I just so starved for any sort of companionship that it feels like love? I suppose that’s a pretty dumb question. All I have to do is think of her and I know the truth. I love Willow. I love her completely, totally and utterly. And maybe now even not hopelessly.
Monday Morning: Of course I had a dream last night about her being chased by some strange yet vague creature and no matter what I did I couldn’t help her. It was like I was stuck in molasses and though I struggled as much as I could to move or aid her, nothing happened or worked. No magic, no telekinesis, nothing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a frustration quite like that before. My Willow was threatened, in danger, and I couldn’t help her.
I hope she calls today. I just want to hear her voice and know that she’s all right. I can still remember that one night when she came here bruised and battered. I didn’t think much about how that happened, I suppose I was just so glad she was here in the first place that I didn’t consider the matter too deeply. She also didn’t seem all that freaked out about those weird mortician guys, the Gentlemen she called them.
It makes you wonder, is she some Xena type, she’s stronger than she appears, going out and saving innocents from monsters? That can’t be can it? I’d love to be her Gabrielle though. Anything to be with her, share whatever path it is she’s on and help make her life easier. Just her and me, traveling through the country, using magic instead of swords or a staff, facing danger together. Yeah, like I’d be any help there. It’d be scary, I’d probably be too frightened to do anything. I’ve hardly seen any of the world or its dangers. But with Willow there I know it’d be all right. We’d be a great team, if she’d have me, that is.
Does she want me? I wish I could get a peek at what her true feelings are. Why has she kissed me? Does she even know how she feels or is she just going sort of on instinct and letting time sort things out? She’s too kind for this to be just some exploration of her own sexuality. She’d never use me that way, I’m certain. Is it the magic? Is that what she wants? I’m willing to teach her anything I’ve learned or help as much as possible with the Craft, she knows that. She doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in me for that.
If only I could just relax and be satisfied with letting each day come as it may and enjoy whatever part of herself Willow gives me. One would think that’s enough, and good advice, but I just can’t seem to follow it or take it to heart. And don’t be silly, she’s nowhere big enough to look right in a leather and armor costume, is she? Even just her cute sweaters and slacks excite me, I don’t think I could handle anything tighter or more revealing.
I still have images of her bottom in those tan slacks, how her cute belly showed under the red jacket-vest. I wonder what she was wearing underneath? What it would be like to slowly slide the jacket off her shoulders, let it fall down her arms revealing her bra and the most perfectly formed breasts, not too large, not too small, just in perfect proportion to her.
Goddess, I’m starting to ramble and have sexual daydreams! It’s time to for me to remember who I am and ‘stop this foolishness,’ as Father always said.
Tuesday Night: She did it again. I didn’t think it was possible but she did. No, I don’t mean she kissed me again…well, actually she did, more than once but I’ll get to that.
No, what she did was impress me, astound me, amaze me and perhaps increase my admiration for her even more. I wouldn’t have thought that was possible, but she has. Oh Mother, I really wish you were here to meet Willow. She’d amaze you, too, I know it. I just don’t deserve anyone like her. She’s too good for me. How can someone like her lower herself to be interested in me. I just don’t see it. Please Mother, tell me I’m not being self centered and selfish for trying to love her and have her for myself. Doesn’t she deserve someone who’s her equal, who’s as special and fantastic as she is? Maybe she would be better off with Oz, they had such a close relationship together, did so much, fought against evil, things I couldn’t even imagine. How can I ever live up to all that she is?
And what sort of idiot is this Oz? How could he walk out on her? How could he abandon such a perfect gem and cause her so much sorrow? Didn’t he think about what he was doing to her? Didn’t he realize the damage he was causing? I’m sorry, I don’t get angry, not hardly ever, but he hurt Willow. What sort of grade A moron would ever do that, especially if he claimed to love her? Clearly he and Willow shared more than most people do. I’d never let her go if she loved me, if she wanted me. I’d do anything, fight anyone, to stay with her. And I damn well would never abandon her.
Great, now I’m what…manic? Having intense swings of emotion? Is that what love does or is it just me?
Never mind. The important thing is that she came over late this afternoon. She didn’t call and I was listening to music for a change. Just sort of sitting with my trig book open, staring at the numbers and wondering which ones would lead to a convergence of the Tara and Willow lines, would they part on tangent paths after a short conjunction or stay together, go through their own sine wave of happiness and hardships? I did say Willow-track mind didn’t I?
I listened to the love songs and found myself softly humming along, wondering which ones she’d like, hoping that the words could actually come true for us. It was nice and Willow’s image was so bright and steady within my mind that I couldn’t help bringing my energy forth. Without even trying I saw her, only this time all in shimmering gold with silver and red highlights. It wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful as she is, but still the shining image of my Willow made my heart heavy with joy and love.
I probably sighed longingly like the lovesick fool I am, when suddenly there was a familiar knock on the door. Oh yes, I’ve come to recognize, even look forward to, that knock of hers. I hastily drew my energy back in and went to the door feeling like I had been caught with my pants down, blushing as if from doing something naughty.
She was standing there wearing jeans and a cheery sort of yellowish shirt with some cartoon figures on it, a big smile playing across her face. I grinned back like a loon and welcomed her in, but suddenly a wave of apprehension and nervousness crept over me. Her aura was even more scattered and wild than normal. Something was bothering or worrying her quite a bit and I could tell by the way she babbled about being sorry she hadn’t come by earlier that she was in a tense, anxious state.
At the time I recall fearing that something bad had happened or that she had decided to announce she never wanted to see me again, and didn’t want to let me down hard. But though a flare of panic went through me, bright and incandescent, it was momentary. On second thought I didn’t get a sense of either of these things from her. It was almost like she was afraid of me somehow, how I might react maybe. Which is just plain ridiculous of course, what does she have to fear from me, besides that I might love her and need her more than she can give me?
Whatever the case she picked up on my sudden ill ease and that seemed to feed her own, and before you know it we had a regular babble-fest going on. She tried to assure me that she was fine and that nothing had happened and that she had wanted to come by but didn’t want to put me in any danger and how that was the last thing she ever wanted and I told her that it was all right and that I understood and that when I meant if she ever needed my help that wasn’t just with easy stuff and all. Or basically that’s what I think we got across, though I really can’t be sure.
After a few minutes of this, and I still don’t which of us began first, we both started giggling and then laughing. It was one of those ‘you had to be there’ things, but it was so great to hear her laughter. Whatever pent up tensions she had must have been released and her aura seemed brighter and less troubled than I had seen it in quite some time.
We collected ourselves after awhile and made a little small talk about how school was going. She noticed the trig book and expressed some guilt over not helping me as much lately, but that she’d rectify that soon and asked how I was doing. That sort of thing.
For my part I was also examining her for any cuts, bruises or other signs of injury. I just wanted to be sure she was all right. I’d already had the notion of cataloging all the healing herbs and gathering as many as possible, looking into whatever healing magics there might be, and now I certainly am going to make that a priority! I just want to be able to do whatever I can to aid my Willow, little as it may be. Fortunately she didn’t seem hurt at all, which was a great relief.
She noticed that I had my radio on and commented on the band, comparing them to a few others she had seen play live here in Sunnydale. I was pretty surprised at that, but then I recalled she had dated a musician, she’d probably have gone to lots of concerts, though she seemed to be truly interested in a variety of styles.
We spent a while talking about who we did or didn’t like. I didn’t have as broad a knowledge as her by any stretch and she must think I’m vapid, just into whatever stuff is on top 40. I hope I didn’t disappoint her. The more we talked though, the more nervous and fidgety she got. Her arms waved more and more, she had to get up and pace a bit. It got me worried all over again and then I was very nervous as well.
She finally sat down next to me on the bed and said that she needed to talk about some serious stuff. Instantly I was on guard and tying to prepare myself for the big let down. The “I like you and all but just can’t continue seeing you,” or something to that effect. I must have missed what she said next as she had to repeat herself saying that what she was about to tell me I couldn’t tell to anyone else, not even family.
OK, now I was confused, though also still ill at ease. I rushed to tell her that I would never repeat anything she said to me in confidence to anyone else. Not that I could since I don’t actually have any other friends, and though I may go back home when I have to, they still don’t even know where I am and I’ll die before I tell them about Willow. I’d never want to…sully her by telling them about her.
She then began by saying that that spell involving Thespia, to locate demons, she’d wanted to do it because she had thought it might have helped her friend Buffy, who’s also her roommate. She said that Buffy was the Chosen One, the Slayer, and that they had been friends ever since Buffy moved to Sunnydale in her sophmore year of High School.
Now, I have heard the term Vampire Slayer before and had a vague idea of what she meant and said as much as I knew. She filled me in on how Buffy hunts vampires, demons and evil creatures, has supernatural strength, speed and resiliency. Along with Willow and some of her other friends: Xander who Willow’s known since they were in kindergarten, Oz who became her boyfriend, Cordelia who she didn’t like much but Xander started dating which hurt Willow a lot because she had a crush on him for the longest time but he ignored her until it was too late, and Angel a 200 year old vampire cursed with a soul and now good. All of them fought evil and helped Buffy to patrol and keep Sunnydale safe. Mr. Giles also helps as he is Buffy’s Watcher, a member of a British organization that trains and advises the Slayer though he got fired for sticking up for Buffy and becoming too close to her.
She then went on to tell me a bit about some of the stuff they’ve faced. How the mayor actually performed an Ascension to become a true demon and they blew him up along with the High School. How they stopped Angel when he was evil from bringing some demon called the judge back to kill all the people in the world or from using Acathla to suck the world into a Hell Dimension. How Oz, her, Xander and Cordelia patrolled during one summer while Buffy ran away because she had to kill Angel while he was evil, before he came back, and that they dusted six vampires by themselves.
She went on for a bit, there was more that I didn’t quite follow, and then said the reason that the spell had been so important was because they thought a Polgara demon had escaped and been on the loose and she wanted to find it before it hurt anyone so Buffy could kill it, but now that didn’t matter as it had really been some creature called Adam made from demon, human and machine parts who was still running around. He had been made by the Initiative which Buffy’s boyfriend, Riley, was part of and had been hurt and no ones’ seen him in days and the Initiative tried to kill Buffy which is also why they’re all hiding out.
I think I just sat there too stunned to think or comprehend it all. I think I’m still having problems assimilating everything, the enormity of it.
But, oh my sweet Willow. Goddess she’s so incredible. She’s so small and though Buffy may have super powers she certainly hasn’t, and yet she’s helped stop the world from ending, fought demons and vampires and who knows all what? That must be how she got hurt before. No wonder the Gentlemen barely freaked her out. Sure she said she mostly helped with research and computer hacking and safe stuff, but she has literally fought against the forces of darkness. And when she was so young.
She really is the most amazing woman ever. Smart, so pretty and stunning she does make me want to drool, intelligent, talented at so many things, and now a true heroine, too. Wow. My eyes tear up just thinking about it. I mean Mother always said we should protect those less fortunate, less able, but here’s someone who’s actually done that for years. It’s so overwhelming. I didn’t think I could love her more.
Or be more afraid. What’ll happen when she finds out I’m half demon? That I have evil inside me? The magic is natural, part of nature and the Goddess and God, isn’t it? I’ve always tried not angering Father or Donny, not causing trouble. I don’t feel evil, I don’t want to be bad, I swear I don’t.
I’m all right now. I won’t start crying again, at least not in great wracking sobs. Maybe I’ll just sit here and write and leak and drip. There’s no way that Willow could ever love someone like me. She doesn’t date demons, she helps hunt them, kill them. I’m just so scared, cold, alone. I don’t know what to do, what to think. Mother I need your help, you always knew how to take the sting of life away, put things in perspective. If I was back home I’d call on your spirit, but I can’t do that here, it’s just not possible.
I wish Willow were here.
I knew she deserved someone better than me. Someone good, who can stand beside her, whose love isn’t tainted. Can evil creatures really love someone else? I know I love her, I do, with all my heart and soul. That has to mean something doesn’t it. Maybe I’m only a little bit evil? Maybe the demon in me won’t come out when I’m twenty? Love is salvation isn’t it? I have to believe that, I have to be strong and hope that there’s hope.
Goddess, I don’t know how I managed to hang on and not burst into tears in front of her, scare her off or let on that I’m not what I appear. Maybe I was just too numb then, things hadn’t settled in yet.
But that wasn’t it, she hadn’t finished astonishing me yet.
After we had, well, she really, talked for a while, told me some of what they’d done, how cool she thought Buffy was, how good a friend Xander was, how much she admired and respected Mr. Giles, a bit on why all this made Oz leaving her hurt so much more, she finally asked if I was OK with all this.
What could I say? The vast uncharted depths of Willow were opening and revealing important vistas, stuff she’s shared with hardly anyone else. Can I handle that she fights vampires and monsters? Yes, that’s not a problem. Could I tell her that it just makes my love for her that much deeper? Well, no, she might not scare easy, but perhaps that could still do it.
I asked her more about Buffy, about the others, how they did stuff, how often they got hurt…that sort of thing. And I’m scared for her, too. I told her that it did make me fearful that she might get injured, maybe even killed. I was concerned and I think I did say how impressive it was that she did all this. No thanks from anyone, no pay, no reward other than knowing others were safe. I was, and probably still am, in awe. She’s so small and fragile, yet her inner strength is enormous. No wonder she could be such a powerful witch.
She looked at me with that odd gaze again and smiled. She’d touched my arm or hand now and then while we were talking, but at this point she consciously reached out and took my hands in hers for a moment, a sweet little pause, and then let them go and looked sort of perplexed and rattled and stood up and walked to the window and stood there observing the campus.
I heard her let out a breath and say my name, but it was soft and tentative. For a second I wasn’t sure she’d even spoken. But then she turned and said my name again. Anything sounds so sweet coming from her, but there was something in the way she said my name that was different. It was…I don’t know, so unsure and yet full of emotion, and maybe even kinda possessive.
I just nodded shyly but kept my eyes on her, knowing she was trying to say something important. She came back and sat by me, though a little further away than before with her hands tightly clasped in her lap.
She said my name a third time and went on with, “about the other night, and the last time when I left,” and I felt like the room was starting to swirl and I thought this must be it, the end.
She said that she’d never done anything like that before, at least not with someone like me, a girl of the female persuasion. I could tell she was really flustered and full of trepidation now. She had a very doubtful expression on her face and yet she kept her eyes, those magnificent emerald orbs, locked on mine. She went on saying that she didn’t want me to get wigged out or feel uncomfortable around her and that she’d understand perfectly if I hated her or didn’t feel the same and she could always just leave, though she said that last with a faint voice that quavered and broke. But, she continued that she found that she was starting to like me in more than a friendly way, not a bad way, she hoped, and she didn’t mean like an enemy or something, but in a sort of I want to kiss you and hold you some more sort of way, if I knew what she meant.
I was floored, I couldn’t believe it. Here she was, trying to protect me. She was concerned about shielding me from a possibly unwanted advance, interest that I might find objectionable. So nervous and solicitous of my feelings. She shocked me to my roots a second time in one afternoon. It was like everything I’d ever wanted had just stepped into view and was within reach, all I had to do was reach out.
I tried to say something past the lump in my throat, look her in the face but everything was so blurry and my voice just wouldn’t work. I don’t think I was crying, but I knew that at any moment the tears would spill over. And then I saw dawning horror and the saddest, most self loathing expression I’ve ever seen start to form on her face. I realized that I hadn’t said a thing.
And suddenly I found myself speaking clearly, without a stutter. I told her that it was ok, I preferred girls, I always had; that I’d never had a friend like her before but that I liked her in a hold you and kiss you sort of way, too.
And mercifully that pained expression was gone and that funny look along with a tentative quirk of a smile was back. This time I reached for her hands and took them as I beamed back. I reassured her I’d never been into guys and that I thought she was a special and wonderful girl, the most beautiful I’d ever known. I was careful to avoid the ‘Gay’ or ‘Lesbian’ word just in case though.
She asked, “Really?” as if afraid that she hadn’t heard right, that I might still be teasing her somehow.
I nodded and then drew her closer to me and kissed her as fully and completely as I could. She responded without any delay or hesitation. We’d kissed a bit before, but this time as we went on our tongues finally met and we explored each other’s mouths in a passion of need and longing that was almost transcendent. It was as if suddenly my heart was whole, and nothing but the feel of her around and within me existed. A sensation much like our connection during magic lit up our bodies; sent a tingle of excitement, thrill and emotion racing through us.
For once I had no doubts that she felt the same. We kissed more intensely than before and time passed yet didn’t.
But eventually we stopped, or slowed down, I guess our bodies or minds aren’t built for such intense feelings for any length of time. The position of the sun, lazily drifting lower and lower into the room indicated that it was getting late.
We lay sideways across the bed where we had fallen back, both on our sides, hands on each other’s shoulders or hips. Her eyes looked so peaceful and content, a deeper green than usual, and her hair hung feathersoft just above her brow. I think we both smiled at the same moment, a silent communication of acceptance, closeness and mutual desire now, finally, able to be acknowledged.
And yet we both knew she had to go. Buffy was waiting for her. The Initiative and Adam were still out there, somewhere, and she couldn’t let her friends worry about where she was or if something had happened to her. So we hauled ourselves up off the bed. She looked so radiant in the setting sunlight, highlighted all in orangish-gold almost like in my energy form. A vision of an angel beyond compare who had brought the possibility of heaven into my life.
The moment passed as she gathered up her backpack and prepared to go. I hovered near drawn by love’s own gravity. She kissed me one last time and promised that she’d make sure to at least call me tomorrow, if not come over.
I told her to be careful, to look after herself, and remember that I was here waiting for her, she was welcome at any time, for any reason. She gave my arm a squeeze, smiled and left.
Goddess, I’m so tired. Exhausted by the time spent with my Willow. Drained by emotions snapped too and fro as if on a bungee cord gone out of control. Love, anger, fear, sorrow, joy, concern and probably more have all cascaded through me to the point that I no longer know exactly what I’m feeling.
No, that’s not entirely true. I know I love Willow, that my regard for her has grown. How could I not love such a person as her? I guess there’s still an underlying fear that if she ever finds out what I truly am, that things will be over between us and that I’ll lose her forever. But there is an ‘us’ now, or at the very least the possibility of an us. If I weren’t so scared that I’d still blow it, wake up and find that she was just fooling with me, that my evil side would ruin things before they go further or her friend the Slayer came for me, I would be ecstatic, enraptured even by the time we’ve spent together, by the firm and passionate caresses of her lips, the bold questing of her tongue. And if I am honest, there is anger too; at Oz for leaving her so abruptly, though without that none of this would have been possible so perhaps I should be grateful there, maybe a bit of annoyance with Buffy and Xander and all for not giving her the succor that she needed, and finally at myself for not telling her the full truth now, for sabotaging her efforts which could have led to someone getting injured or worse.
Oh, Mother, I remember how you tried to help me after I found out that Mary Jo was just using me to get to Donny. It was the last time I came to you in tears. I was so angry, upset, disappointed, sad, and I had sort of liked her, wanted her to like me. It’s when I told you I was interested in girls.
I remember how you told me there were times when emotions just overwhelmed us because we were part of the storm that caused them in the first place. That I just needed to find the calm amongst the cyclone, think of all the good things in my life, Miss Whiskers my kitty, the Goddess, nature around us, whatever I loved, and then realize that these things were there yesterday, and would be there still tomorrow. All I had to do was accept that this was the way I felt, understand why I had each emotion and then work to reduce or transform the negative ones, make something beneficial, useful, out of them; and to enhance the positive ones through more positive actions or thoughts. You always said that negativity attracted more of the same and I had to just take each day as it came.
I know I need to do that now, but it’s so hard, the storm’s so strong. I wish I still had Miss Whiskers, she was such a playful cat, so soft and warm. She always wanted to be held, would snuggle up with me at night, and didn’t mind if my tears got her fur a little wet. Maybe I need to see about getting a new kitty. I could use all the help I can get now.
Continued Immediately below...
Edited by: Garner at: 12/15/03 2:18 pm