I haven't posted any stories in about a year. It has been very hard to remain motivated through the crap that was season severed. In my case Josswad almost won, I almost ceased to care. After reading this you might wish he had succeeded!
In any case I may or may not do more in the same vein, I really haven't decided yet. As with anything I post, this is complete, at least for now.
Title: From the journal of Tara MaClay
Author: Garner
Email: Garner502@yahoo.com
Feedback: Always nice, good or bad!
Distribution: Go ahead, just let me know. It’s how I discover new sites.
Spoilers: None really, Hush in Season 4
Pairings: W/T
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from this or the characters, that right belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, who are discovering that some things need to be better taken care of.
Summary: Since we’ve seen season 4 from Willow’s point of view, I decided to give Tara’s perspective of what occurred. This looks at the events during Hush, as written in Tara’s private journal. I tried to stick as close to canon as possible and not be AU, but obviously a lot is speculative.
Note: Written October 2003
HUSH
Tuesday Afternoon: I met the most amazing girl at Wicca group this afternoon. It was only a short hour or so ago, but Goddess she was so beautiful and had lively, sparkling, green eyes and brilliant red hair I just had to rush back after class and write down every detail before I forget any of them.
I think she’s been to the group before, but I never really noticed her, though how I’ll never know. All the others seem so mundane and like drones. Their auras have no life, no magic to them at all. Their very ordinariness gives them a drab gray feeling, which I’m sure is all that I give off too, but this girl was different. Even her name, Willow, is unique and kinda rolls off the tongue like an oral gem, bright, shining, with many hidden facets.
Oh Goddess, listen to me, please don’t let it be true. How could something like this be happening to me?
I probably wouldn’t have noticed her, despite all the vibrancy, if she hadn’t spoken up, suggested that perhaps there was more we could be doing in the group than just stupid bake sales and newsletters. None of the others seem to have any notion what it is to follow the Goddess’ path. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to stay? None of the other “sisters” really likes me. They all mostly just tolerate me, probably think I’m nobody worth knowing. I was so hoping that I would meet others like myself when I first went. Was it fate? Was I there just to meet this charming and special girl? Is there such a thing as coincidence or was it destined all along?
Anyway, she, Willow, said something about doing spells! Yes, she actually said that in front of all the others, in public! She’s so much braver than I could ever hope to be. What strength and self assuredness she must have to suggest such a thing. I tried to chime in and agree with her, you know, second the suggestion, but the words wouldn’t come out quickly enough, they got caught in my throat and then Julia silenced everyone. She had them all focus on me, staring expectantly waiting for me to make a fool of myself so they could laugh at me later. I, I tried a little, but…what use was it? No one listens to me. I would have just made a bigger fool of myself and the beautiful red haired girl named Willow would have looked at me with kindness and pity and I would have started crying, I know it.
I hid behind my hair and said nothing. Way to go Tara! Now she probably thinks you are just like all the others, a dull stupid cow going along with the herd. No power, no knowledge of what it means to be a real witch. Oh, mother, what I wouldn’t give to have been able to speak my mind clearly this once. To have not been so scared.
I thought about approaching her after the meeting, going up and asking her if she maybe wanted to do a spell sometime, how long she’d been practicing, how she learned the Craft, that sort of thing. But my heart was racing, my chest seemed all constricted and I couldn’t breathe right. All I saw was that lovely round face framed by wispy auburn hair and inquisitive emerald eyes looking out, and I lost my nerve. Why would someone like that ever notice me? And I want her too. I want it more than anything else I’ve ever desired, maybe even more than I wish mother hadn’t died. Is that wrong. Oh, Goddess please don’t let me be…what? Smitten, a crush, in love?
She’s so small, a petite frame but with nicely proportioned breasts and a shapely rear that I couldn’t help checking out. I even sort of hung back and followed her a bit after the group broke up just so I could look at her longer. It felt like my heart was going to burst just from watching her, but I had class and had to leave. I was almost late, too, and I’m never late. Father would never approve of that!
What am I going to do? I can’t be in love, I can’t. What use would that be? She doesn’t know me and if she had any inkling that I was part demon she’d never, ever, speak to me. She probably never will anyway. I won’t let myself fall for her, I won’t.
Wednesday Morning: Oh Goddess this is terrible, I dreamed of her last night! I barely even remember what we talked about in Art History yesterday afternoon and yet this dream sticks out so clearly in my mind. I was back at home, sort of cause everything seemed so much smaller and just a bit off in little ways, like the lights were brighter. I was making dinner as always when Donny came up behind me and scared me and I dropped the mixing bowl spilling all over his shoes. He yelled and slapped me twice, harder than normal. Then Father made me clean his shoes and go out to the store to replace the milk, eggs and flour that I’d ruined and that I better do it quickly or I’d really be punished.
I put on my frumpy gray coat, the one I threw out after my first week here in Sunnydale with the giant black buttons, and headed off to the store. The sky was like slate and the leaves were all brown and swirled about my feet, tangling them and slowing me down. Even the wind seemed to whisper that evil creatures shouldn’t be out and blew in my face.
I finally made it to the store and they were out of milk and Father would be so angry and I was going to be late getting back and I was so scared because that meant the strap for sure. I didn’t know what I was going to do when I noticed Her by the counter. She appeared to glow with a soft golden radiance that took my breath away and when she turned her stunning green eyes towards me it felt like I was floating above the floor. She had the last carton of milk with a bunch of other goods by the register, but somehow sensed my distress. She spoke to me in a voice that was soft and warm as it wrapped around me and I suddenly felt safe and secure. She smiled and said that if I needed the milk I could have it. At first I felt ugly and ashamed but there was an undercurrent of electricity and attraction. She was the most angelic thing I’d ever seen and her smile seemed to penetrate through my fear filling me with joy just to see it. I had to smile back and as she handed me the milk our hands brushed and I thought my heart would explode. Her hands were so soft, warm and gentle. I remember the ceiling spinning above me and that’s when I woke up.
It’s funny, it’s so quiet out, like the world is holding its breath so I can clearly recall the dream and the lingering memory of my Willow. Why does that phrase, my Willow, make my eyes cloud up? I wish that it were so. I hope I see her again at least, I can’t wait for the next Wicca Group meeting. Maybe I can sit next to her? Or would across be better so I can gaze at her more easily and she might notice me. Or would that make it more likely that I’d botch things up? Maybe I can say something to her afterwards, let her know she’s not the only one interested in magic? No, I don’t know if I could do that. What would a beautiful girl like her want with me? Donny always said that I was nothing to look at, plain faced, washed out blonde hair and too big hips. He used to say that no guy would ever desire me and I should be glad I had family to look after and stay with.
Not that I ever thought about boys, even then. I don’t know why that was but they just had no appeal. I don’t hate them or anything, but they never caused any feelings or longing within me. Not like what I’m feeling now, that’s for sure. Goddess, I’m afraid I might be in love with her and I don’t even know anything about her. Just that she’s so gorgeous and innocent and perky and probably as straight as they come. Anyone like that must have a boyfriend. How could she not? She probably has boys asking her out all the time, the pick of the crop hers for the choosing.
Not like me. No one’s ever asked me out, which is probably just as well. What if Donny had actually set me up with someone? Goddess, that would have been awful. I can’t imagine what Father’s reaction would have been if he found out I liked girls. He always said that the study of witchcraft just showed my demonic, evil, side made it that much stronger. No, this would have would have made him more furious than ever before; if he found out.
Of course, I never had the nerve to ask anyone out either. No one seemed quite right. Cousin Beth was sort of cute, but she’s got a mean undercurrent beneath that, velvet covering a finely sculpted icey interior. There was Mary Jo, she was athletic, strong and pretty. I hung around watching her in school and she started talking with me one day and I thought she liked me. She was always asking about the family and mom and all. We even went riding once. But she was just interested in Donny and wanted to get next to him through me. She never saw me as anything but a tool. It hurt more than I would have expected, though she owed me nothing really. I wonder if Willow would be any different? What ulterior reasons might she have for acknowledging me. Dare I try and find out?
Wednesday Evening: This has been the strangest day. After writing in my journal this morning I went out and found that everyone had lost their voices. It was creepy, everything was so quiet and yet loud. A boy dropped a glass in the lounge and it sounded like thunder. Everyone is freaked out and it’s scary. I know Sunnydale is a mystical convergence and all, sitting on a Hellmouth. Vampires and demons must be hanging around the fringes of the town along with who knows what else? But I never thought anything this…strange, would happen. I wonder what caused it? Maybe a spell gone wrong? It’s hard to tell, I didn’t sense anything, but it must have happened last night while I was asleep.
Oh I wish Willow were here. I bet together we could figure out what was going on. I don’t know why but I bet she’s smart and good with books. We’d go through all of our spellbooks looking for the cause. She’d find it and I would know the right spell to dispel the effects. We’d cast the spell together, maybe in my room or someplace secluded on the campus, amidst the trees and bushes under the bright moon. Her hair would shine and her eyes would sparkle. She’d wear a pale dress that hugged her body and showed off her body. And maybe our hands would lightly touch during the spell. We’d look deep into each other’s eyes and she’d look past my exterior and see the real me.
Who am I kidding. She’d see that I was a total dork or my evil, demon side and that would drive her away forever. Most likely she’s with her boyfriend so he can protect her from whatever did this. I don’t stand a chance with someone like that. Still, the whole town’s affected and someone has to do something. Mother always said we had to watch out for those less capable, no matter how little they deserved it. I’ll have to start going through my material and see if I can find anything. Maybe if I find the solution Willow will want to help me.
Thursday Morning: I dreamed of her again. Willow. It’s a little harder to remember this one. I think I was in English class and we were discussing The Great Gatsby, I always liked that one even though it has a sad ending. Anyway, the professor called on me and I couldn’t get anyone to understand what I was saying. I stuttered so badly and all the other kids were snickering or pointing which just made it harder. Like an idiot I sank to the floor wishing it would open and swallow me. And then suddenly no one could speak and I think that’s when she came in. Her cheeks were slightly red from running, a faint sheen of sweat covered her face and her chest heaved so attractively. She smiled at me and took my arm and gently helped me up. Somehow I understood what she wanted and we left the class and abruptly we were in a dark, deserted, school hallway. We held hands and I could feel her blood rushing and the warmth of her palms. We tried to cast a spell to make things better, but of course the words wouldn’t come out. Then a tall boy in dark clothes came up towards us and reached for Willow. She turned and took his hands and though I screamed for her to come back she left with him and I felt so alone.
Why’d I ever have to notice her in the first place? All I seem to be able to do is think about her. That red hair, short and soft. I’d love to run my hand through it, feel the silky locks between my fingers. Caress her smooth skin. Ahh, this is getting ridiculous. I can’t afford to be in love. I am such a doofus, so plain and ordinary that even if she were interested in girls I’m probably the last one she’d want. At best she might pity me and pretend to be my friend and that would be more than I could bear.
Thursday Evening: Our voices still haven’t come back. Something seriously wrong is going on and I have got to do my best to try and fix it. Mom always said that it was a witch’s duty to set the natural order right if it was distorted or altered. I’ve been looking through my spell books for charms and incantations dealing with sound or voices but I haven’t really been able to find anything yet. A problem this big is going to be beyond me anyway. It’d definitely take more than one person to mend everything. Would she even bother to cast a spell with me?
It doesn’t matter what I feel or what she thinks, I’ve got to do something. I found Willow’s room number in the school directory. She lives in Stevenson, room 214. I’m going to go over there and see if she has any ideas of what happened, maybe some different spellbooks or perhaps we can develop a spell to restore things to the way they were. I know, I may be clutching at starlight, but I’ve got to act, at least try. And this is definitely a great excuse to go meet her, let her know who I am. She’s got such a strong aura who knows what we could accomplish together? More than I could by myself certainly. Besides, with no one being able to speak, she might not notice my stutter and be instantly put off. I mean I’ve got nothing to lose right? Maybe I’ll just check one more book before heading over there.
Thursday Night: Oh Goddess, oh Goddess, oh Goddess I can hardly believe what happened. It was the most incredible and powerful thing that I’ve ever experienced. It was like a million different feelings racing through me all at once, lighting up my entire body. Chills, warmth, an ecstatic electrical hum similar to when the magic is flowing smoothly only so much more so. And the way she smells, vaguely like herbs and a little musty and yet so natural and homey it draws me in and makes me want to live within that fragrance forever.
I better start at the beginning so I get this right. I finally worked up the courage to go see Willow and convince her to help try a spell. I kept chickening out and saying one more passage to check, one more book to consult. I just wanted to have something to show her, let her know I wasn’t merely some moron coming to her with nothing to contribute. The thought of seeking her out was unsettling me more than the loss of everyone’s voices, I so want her to like me. I’ve never really had a friend before, definitely never sought one out, and I knew I’d blow it.
The sun had already set by then and it was dark out, but I grabbed my books and headed over towards Stevenson before I could change my mind. I was walking through campus trying to think of what I would say to her, well write to her since I couldn’t talk obviously. I wasn’t paying that much attention and like the klutz I am I dropped my books. Thank the Goddess she wasn’t around then to see that! I don’t think I ever could have found the nerve to approach her if she had. Any way, while I was trying to gather them up I saw these men in loose straight jackets moving towards me in a chaotic walk or dance. And behind them were these frightening monsters that looked like men, morticians actually, dressed in fine black suits only they floated above the ground and had terrible, toothy smiles with no lips.
They chased me and I ran into Stevenson and no one would help me. I pounded on a bunch of doors and finally got to Willow’s floor and would you believe it, I ended up running right into her, literally! I am such a stupid spaz. I even hurt her ankle as we tumbled to the ground. I was so terrified that she’d hate me forever or that I’d gotten us both killed that I didn’t even notice how we were draped all over each other. What a great way to meet her! Please Goddess don’t let her hold this against me, please.
I helped her up and we ran from the things chasing us and I have never been so scared, ever! It was like a bad dream where you run and you run and don’t get anywhere and yet the monster is right behind you always getting closer. We made it into the basement and to the laundry room, closing the door behind us, but I knew that wouldn’t keep us safe for long.
Somehow though, it was like in my dream. Willow was there and I felt safer and more at ease than I had any right to. These things were hammering at the door, trying to do Goddess knows what to us, but just having her with me seemed to chase my fears, well not away, but made them recede so I wasn’t petrified with terror. It was remarkable; even just being near her is exhilarating and yet calming all at the same time.
And then she concentrated and I sensed the energy move through her. She was trying to levitate something, but I couldn’t tell what until the soda machine started to shake. She gave up, exasperated, and we shared a look. She was so, what, open, vulnerable, frustrated at not being able to do anything. And then it was like our hands moved of their own volition and joined together. That’s when I felt all those marvelous and wonderous sensations flow through me. It really was indescribable. It shook me to my core and our minds reached out together and the soda machine flew in front of the door. I couldn’t have done anything like that by myself. It was like we operated as one, in perfect synchronicity. I could barely believe it. I’ve never felt so joined, so matched and complete with anyone else like that ever before.
And then there we were with our hands still clasped together. Her palm was warm and moist and oh so soft and the tingling only made it that much more wonderful. She didn’t pull back but sort of looked at me and her eyes are so beautiful and every other word that describes beauty. I felt like she had always been there with me and that I was finally with the only person who had ever mattered.
Finally our hands parted and I was so embarrassed because I wanted her so badly. I wanted to kiss her and hold her and just revel in the smell, touch and taste of her. I was so aroused and I was sure she’d notice and think I was a big pervert or worse. I still don’t have any idea if she’s gay or would be totally repulsed by my interest. She probably would, what are the chances that I could actually find a witch who is also a lesbian to fall in love with? There’s no way my luck could be so good.
After she took her hand back we just sort of huddled there in the room, both frightened and unsure when it would be safe to venture out. Though truth to tell I was happy that we were trapped as it allowed me to look at her, to try and memorize the curve of her neck, the slope of her arms, the way her hair lays and the nervous smile she sometimes gets. I don’t think she caught me staring, Goddess I hope not. I tried to be discrete, but I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience and a little giddy too. Willow touch is more intoxicating than any alcohol. What I wouldn’t give to have it right now.
After a while I finally noticed that her aura was disrupted. At first I panicked thinking that she noticed my attention or how excited she made me and for a second I felt utterly crushed. It was like my whole world was collapsing. No, that I could deal with, it was like all the dreams I’ve ever had of finding someone cute, pretty and not afraid of magic and who might actually be able to connect with me had all been destroyed. It hurt so much that I almost started sobbing then and there, but there was something in the way she looked at me, as if she sensed my sudden distress, and then smiled and sort of squeezed my arm. It let me know that I hadn’t blown it. That I’d misjudged as always. Even that simple contact was exquisitely delightful.
When I could look at her again I realized her ankle was starting to swell and might even be sprained. I can be so dense sometimes. Well, I tentatively reached out and put my hands around it. Very gingerly and I gave her a questioning look, or at least I hope that’s what I did. She nodded slightly and half smiled. I got the sense that at that moment she trusted me and that anything I did would be all right and not hurt her.
Now of course I can’t heal severe injuries or anything too serious, especially not without a bunch of herbs and potions, but I could at least try and restore some balance to the afflicted area, reduce the swelling and speed up the healing. I concentrated my energies in my hands and pictured the muscles relaxing, the fluids evening out, washing away, and then everything knitting together just like mother taught me. She would have been so proud at how well I concentrated. And I slowly, with the utmost delicacy, started massaging the area. At first I heard her suck in her breath and I feared I might have hurt her, but then I felt the same tingling as when our hands touched. I don’t know if my healing spell worked any better due to the contact, but after a few glorious moments of stroking her smooth flesh she sighed in pleasure.
I felt the heat rise in my face and immediately let go thinking I had done something wrong, or maybe I was just startled, I don’t know.
And then she uttered the first words I’d heard since this started, the first words she said directly to me, well with only we there. I’ll always remember them no matter what happens between us, no matter how badly I repulse her or drive her away. She said them softly, almost as an unconscious reflex, in a sweet sort of husky way, “That feels so much better.”
Yes, it feels so much better to have her in my life, even if it was for just this one night. Nothing that comes after will ever dim the memory of it for me.
I can barely remember what came after that. I confess I wasn’t thinking that clearly, the whole episode was too overwhelming and it was late and I was exhausted. I think we introduced ourselves, not that we didn’t sort of know who we each were already. She seemed in a big hurry to leave though, and that makes me nervous now. I didn’t really notice it then. We both said something about being tired and she seemed to think that if our voices had returned we should be safe, but she had a friend she was worried about. We agreed to meet again in Stevenson tomorrow morning, but I can’t exactly remember when, I think at 8:00 before classes. I hope that’s what she said.
Was she trying to get away from me? I mean I don’t think I said anything stupid. Did she sense how excited I was? Did she have to rush back and check on her boyfriend? Is she in his arms now, making fun of this dorky, lesbo witch who ran her down and almost got her killed? No, I can’t let myself believe that. She was just as tired and worn out from the strain as I was. I’ve sensed a part of her and I don’t think there’s anything petty or evil in her. Not like me.
Friday Morning: Just a quick entry before I go to see Willow. I am so nervous. I was all night, too, and wired from the contact and barely got any sleep at all. When I did I dreamed about her again, a third time in three nights. That’s got to mean something doesn’t it? Maybe I’ll have to check into dream analysis and see.
Anyway, all I remember is being frightened beyond words and running from some hideous, yet vague, danger. I ran through the door to my room and I was with Willow in the dorm lounge and the sense of being chased was gone. We reached out and our hands met in slow motion and then the floor rushed away and suddenly we were flying, hand in hand, through the forest and farmlands back home. We soared past the house, the old school, even main street, in no time at all. She took us up into the clouds and then she hugged me and her lips moved towards mine and of course that’s when I woke up.
What am I going to wear? What will I say to her? Goddess, please grant me your blessing, let this go well.
Friday Afternoon: Willow and I talked for what seemed like forever and she wants to get together sometime and do a spell! Thank you, Goddess, I think I might have actually managed not to screw up.
I was so afraid that after last night I would never see her again, that she’d realize on second thought what I was and not show up. Yet there she was at the bulletin board like she said and she was wearing the cutest jeans and shirt. It made her look so cute and precious, not plain and, what was the word they always said, homey, like it would on me. And even more amazing, she seemed glad to see me too.
I explained why I was trying to find her. Somehow I blurted out how special she was and she seemed sort of surprised. Maybe I was too forward, but her aura is so strong, she is special. I can’t believe she’s only been practicing for a couple years. And to have learned mostly by herself, that’s so impressive. Well, mostly by herself, she did say she had a little guidance from her high school librarian, a Mr. Giles I think, and that sounds a bit strange but I suppose this is a strange town when you get down to it.
She seemed really happy to meet another real witch. From her hints it sounds like something bad happened to the last one she knew. She hasn’t done as many spells as I have, or read anywhere near as much, but she’s so smart. To get so far in such short time, I can still hardly grasp it. She’s Jewish and not really a Wiccan, but then she’s still so new to it all.
I asked her how she could stay so cool last night and she said that she and some friends had some run ins with vampires while in high school. She must have lived an unusual life what with being here on the Hellmouth and everything. I must seem so plain and boring in comparison. But then she thanked me, me! For helping to heal her ankle, like it was a big deal and not my fault that it got hurt in the first place. All I could do was smile and duck my head and try not to cry.
We hit it off so well, I never wanted it to end. We talked about classes a bit, books we’d read, spells we’d tried, all sorts of things till it was time for class. Even though I’ve just met her, it’s like we’ve been friends forever. And there’s so much more to learn about her, so much she barely alluded to. How will I ever survive till she calls?
Mother, I wish you were here to see me. I have this great friend, well, I hope she’s my friend, I suppose I don’t really know for sure, but it feels like it. You’d like her, too. She’s sweet, kind, brave and smart. If I didn’t love her so much and need to be near her, see her, I would be so intimidated I’d never have the courage to open my mouth or say anything to her. But this is so different. She puts me at ease, makes me feel like I could say anything and she’d be interested. I so very desperately want her to like me it makes my stomach shudder and I can’t hardly eat, but the warmth I feel when I’m with her makes it all worthwhile.
I know I’m a fool and she’d probably be disgusted if she knew how I felt, what I was. What else can I do but try and be close to her as much as possible? I’d do anything for her, to stay with her just a little longer. I know I’m probably setting myself up for heartbreak and misery, unbearable agony when she finally learns the truth, but I’ve got to have hope, believe that even my dreams might come true. Isn’t that what you always tried to teach me? There’s no denying I am desperately and completely in love with this girl named Willow, and if I can only be small part of her life, then I’ll have to pray that that’s enough. It’s so much more than I’ve ever had before.
END?
Edited by: Garner at: 2/20/04 12:17 pm
Pleeeeeeeeeease don't let that be the end! 
at: 10/27/03 10:35 am
?) and Taras pov is really interesting. It's very realistic....I would love to read more..
Hope Willow comes to her senses soon.
That was so sad! Poor Tara... it's so hard for her to see Willow all lost and sad over Oz.... at least we have the knowledge that Willow will wake up and smell the coffee pretty soon, because otherwise I'd go nuts.
. Although the last part: "I love the way she says my name, 
holy wow...i missed 2 updates...and might i add again wow...
the emotion you portray in tara is incredible. i love the fact that you are writing this completely from her perspective. and just incase i'm gonna add another WOW in...can't wait to read more.