Chapter Twelve
Willow and the girl lay on the bed side by side. The girl had been talking for nearly two hours. She was an excellent storyteller, but Willow couldn't help but notice how often she was unwilling to reveal her feelings about the things that had happened to her. Anytime the hacker wanted to hear the girl's perspective on something; she had to prompt her for it. Indeed, at times the girl seemed completely detached from her story, as if the events had happened to someone else, which made Willow uneasy; she could not help but wonder what had created such psychological distance.
"It took us another month to reach Sunnydale. Sam kept us moving, mostly during the night. We'd camp out during the day in little towns along the way and try to sleep. Sometimes we'd camp for several days so that we could train. I remember we spent three days inside an abandoned mobile home park." The girl grinned over the memory, but then her expression turned serious. "As we drew closer to Sunnydale, we started to find more and more vamp nests. For the most part they were living on animal life and waiting for the Master's next campaign into the human lands, so we'd usually catch them unaware. And in some ways the vampires were the least of our problems. About thirty miles out of Sunnydale, we were attacked by a werewolf pack and a member of one of the other cadres had his arm nearly torn off. Marty tried, but we couldn't save it. I had to help with the amputation." Again, the girl paused for a moment. She looked up at the ceiling. "His name was Gabriel, Gabriel Martinez, he was maybe two years older than me."
Willow watched the girl begin twisting the sheet between her fingers as she related the details.
"I used magick to help him with the pain, and to staunch the flow of blood. We were able to save him, and Sam tried to convince him to stay behind, but he wouldn't. Gabriel said he'd come to far to give up now. I don't know how he kept up, but he did. He kept up all the way to Sunnydale. Only to die at the Battle of the Stronghold." The girl trailed off, seemingly lost in the memory of Gabriel's death.
"Did you loose a lot of people in the battle?" Willow questioned softly, unsure if she had a right to ask.
The girl turned to Willow, but her eyes seemed caught on the memory of the battle. "I saw Marty get his head taken off by a broad axe. It happened so fast. One moment he was fighting for his life, and the next he was dead. None of it seemed real."
Willow moved on to her side, and touched the girl's face. She seemed unaware of the contact.
"I remember the day of the battle was beautiful. One of those perfect, California winter's days. Sunny. A cloudless blue sky. In the low seventies. Unbelievably lovely." The girl shook her head as if clearing away the thought, and returned to her narrative.
"We began the attack at about ten in the morning. A large part of the Master's complex was inside this huge abandoned airline manufacturing plant. Part of the strategy was to take down the walls of the structure and let the sun do the work. I was supposed to levitate out any sections that fell and offered them cover. At least that was the plan." Again, the girl trailed off.
"What happened?" Willow prompted.
"Several things." The girl rolled from her back on to her side, bringing her knees up to her chest. Her eyes seemed to focus on Willow. "Most importantly, we didn't count on the Master having a magician on his payroll."
Confusion appeared on Willow's face and the girl responded. "So far as anyone knew, no witch had ever joined forces with the demons. There were demon's that could do magicks, but none could control the elements, like a witch or a sorcerer. That talent belongs to humans and humans alone."
"I didn't know that." Willow interrupted.
The girl continued, as if unaware Willow had spoken. "Nobody knew about the Master's second. A human. I found out later that his name was Ethan Rayne."
Willow startled, this time pulling the girl out of her story. "We've met his counterpart here. He's a real troublemaker, but not-"
"Totally evil?" The girl asked raising an eyebrow. "Let's hope he doesn't realize his dark calling in this reality." The girl sat up and reached across Willow to take a sip from the glass of water that rested on the nightstand, groaning slightly over her sore ribs.
"Do you need more aspirin?" Willow asked, responding to the girl's pain. "Maybe we should call it a night."
The girl shook her head as she moved to sit with her knees raised and her back against the headboard. "Is it okay if I finish? I don't think I can tell this story again."
Against her better judgment, Willow agreed. "Okay, but you need to get some sleep."
"I'm almost finished with the story. At least this part. And you could use some sleep too, I'm not the only one with stitches in her head." The girl reminded as she brushed her fingers over Willow's hair.
Willow forced herself to ignore the girl's tender gesture, so reminiscent of her Tara. "What happened with Ethan Rayne?"
Already back in the moment of her story, the girl spoke as if she hadn't heard Willow's question. "The attack began with a series of timed explosions. Some of our people had infiltrated the complex and rigged a few bombs. I started taking out pieces of the ceiling and walls, moving them away. As soon as I would move a piece of the structure, our people would move in with flamethrowers, helping the sun do its job. It was working like a charm until everything went wrong."
Willow watched the girl begin pull and twist her fingers. Without thinking, she laid her hands upon the girl's, quieting them.
"I felt the elementals begin to s-shift, but I didn't know what it meant. I thought I was just losing control. And other t-things were happening; things I hadn't anticipated. Stuff I can't explain right now." The girl paused, regrouping her thoughts. "I didn't realize that control was being t-taken from me, worse, the energy I had tapped was now being diverted, used by Ethan to do the most amazing and awful thing imaginable." The girl's back straightened into a rigid posture, and she stared blank faced into the bedroom wall, as if seeing the battle in her mind's eye. "I don't know how he did it but he managed to block the sun, create the illusion of a total eclipse. I tried to stop it, but I was too weak. Once he had control over the elementals I was channeling, he had control over m-me."
The despair in the girl's voice cut into Willow like a knife. She sat up next to the girl, and slowly coaxed her into her arms, gently pulling the girl backward until she was leaning against her chest. "You're safe here, I promise."
The girl continued seemingly unaware of Willow's embrace or words. "I watched them die. Marty, Gabriel, Jackie, Susan, Carl, Diego, Sam, my cadre. At some point, I passed out. When I woke up, the sunlight was no longer being blocked. It was quiet, so very quiet. No birds, no insects. No sound. My cadre was dead, and it was my fault."
Refusing to let the girl take responsibility for the work of monsters, Willow disagreed. "How could it be your fault?"
"I had the knowledge of twelve generations, access to a library three centuries in the making. I should have anticipated."
The girl spoke words Willow knew she'd told herself a thousand times before. "What should you have anticipated? That someone was prepared to betray the human race? You couldn't have anticipated and neither could Sam or anyone else." Willow took the girl' hands in her own, noticing that for the first time the girl's flesh felt clammy. "What happened next? Where did you go?"
The girl seemed to need to think for a moment to answer the question. "Back to my mother's house. As soon as I returned I began reworking my original plan for killing the Master. And now I had all of this training. It took me almost another year to plan it; most of the time was spent gathering the supplies I would need. I had to go back to the human lands for some things. Other stuff I grew. And then it took me nearly two weeks to infiltrate the complex."
"You worked alone?" Willow questioned.
"I couldn't let anyone else risk their lives. It was my fault the Master continued to live."
Knowing it was useless to argue for now, Willow let the point go. "What happened?" She asked, worried that the girl's awareness of her was beginning to slip away.
The girl turned in Willow's embrace and looked into the hacker's eyes. "I destroyed him."
"The Master?" Willow confirmed.
"Yes. And, indirectly, Ethan Rayne, too."
Not sure if she had the right, Willow cupped the girl's face in her hands. "There's something else. It's why you're here, isn't it?"
The girl seemed unaware of Willow's touch. "I used magicks to destroy the Master and Rayne. I killed the head of the snake. I had done all of this research, but I never knew about Rayne's apprentice. He escaped you see. And he's come here."
"Okay, so we find him and we stop him." Willow interrupted, not seeing the danger.
"It's not that simple. Willow, he has my Book of Shadows." The girl protested.
The girl's use of her name brought the danger home to her. "That's bad, isn't it?"
"Very bad. The worst bad there can be. He's come here to recreate what was lost to him in my reality. He's going to unleash the apocalypse."
Already overtired, weary beyond all reason of the endless parade of power wannabes that saw Sunnydale as their north star, Willow dropped her hands away and started to laugh. "Well, take a ticket and get in line." Aware that the girl thought she was losing her mind, Willow explained. "This apprentice guy picked the wrong place. I would need to use both hands to count the number of times a big bad has come to Sunnydale to make with an apocalypse."
The girl seemed ready to argue Willow's unexpected response, but then stopped herself. "Your cadre must be pretty powerful, huh?"
The red head smiled over the use of the term cadre. "Let's just say the Scoobies always somehow manage to get the job done." Willow reached up and twisted a lock of the girl's hair between her fingers. "Nothing world ending is going to happen. I promise. Not on the Scooby watch." Willow kept the smile on her face, but deep inside her soul she cringed over the words world ending. The last time it was she who'd nearly ended the world. She stopped herself from falling into guilt. Now was not the time to feel guilty. The girl needed her to be strong. She stopped herself again, when had she begun to think the girl needed her?
Suddenly uncomfortably aware of the girl's nearness, Willow glanced out the window and was surprised to realize the sun was beginning to rise. She'd allowed the two of them to talk the night through. A second twinge of guilt whispered in the back of her mind. She was supposed to be taking care of the girl. "But right now we need to get some sleep. How about tomorrow I tell you just a few Sunnydale war stories." Forgetting herself once again, Willow stroked the girl's cheek "It's going to be okay. You can trust me."
The words were out of the girl's mouth before she realized. "I already do."
For a moment Willow looked into unfamiliar and familiar blue eyes. Unsettled by what she saw, Willow started to get out of bed, ready to go back to her sleeping bag, when the girl caught her by the forearm.
"You shouldn't have to leave your bed." The girl declared as her fingers slipped away from the red head's arm.
"And you're in no condition to sleep on the couch." Willow gently asserted.
The girl's voice was hesitant. "Stay here, with me. The bed is plenty big, I think."
Before Willow could respond, the girl moved over and made additional room for the hacker. Not sure she was doing the right thing, Willow slipped under the covers and turned off the light on the nightstand, just as the girl turned on her side, her back to the red head. The girl was asleep within seconds, but Willow found it hard to turn off the images inside her head. The girl had taken down the Master; she'd stopped the destruction of her world, and now she'd come to this one to prevent a similar apocalypse. The hacker began to feel badly for laughing. Yes, the Scoobies had stopped the Mayor, Adam and Glory, but they'd done it as a team. In the end, the girl had stopped the Master alone. Looking at the small figure huddled under the covers, Willow resolved that the girl would never again have to fight alone. From now one she would have the Scoobies at her side. The girl sighed softly in her sleep, reminding Willow that she needed to get some sleep as well. The hacker focused her attention on the steady rhythm of the girl's breath, letting the sound lull her whirling thoughts, and then she too fell asleep.
Willow woke to the sound of someone knocking on the door and the press of a body against her shoulder. Still half asleep, she rolled off the bed and went to the door finding a very startled Buffy standing on the other side.
"Will?" Buffy asked, obviously trying to see around her friend.
"What time is it?"
"Eight o'clock. I went downstairs to look for you, but you weren't there, so I thought I'd check up here." Buffy explained awkwardly.
"Tara had a rough night. Bad dreams and fever. We ended up talking most of the night. We only got to sleep a couple of hours ago."
"Oh." Buffy chewed on her lip. "Maybe you want to get some more sleep, then."
Not seeing the concern on her friend's face, Willow responded. "That would be great. Can you come and wake us up at ten?"
"Sure, Will." Buffy promised.
Willow closed the door on her friend and returned to the bed. The girl was still in a deep sleep. Exhausted, the hacker slid back under the covers, trying not to notice the way the girl automatically curled next to her. Just as she was about to fall back to sleep, something shifted in the room. Willow opened her eyes to see her Tara holding the girl from behind. Willow looked past the girl into her lover's beautiful eyes. She mouthed the words, "I love you" and smiled when Tara mouthed them back. Willow reached over the girl and took her Tara's hand in her own. Together, they cuddled the girl between them, until Willow fell back to her sleep and to her dreams.
True to her word, Buffy knocked on the door at ten. Willow awakened slowly, the knocking sound first registering as part of a dream. Buffy knocked a second time, this time waking the hacker. Willow carefully extricated herself from the girl's and her lover's sleepy embrace. On the other side of the door she found Buffy, still wearing an expression of concern on her face, but now holding a cup of coffee, which Willow gratefully accepted.
"Thanks for letting us sleep in." Willow mumbled.
"Want me to bring another cup? Buffy asked, craning her head around the door and Willow to see the still sleeping girl.
"I'm not sure if she drinks coffee or not. My Tara preferred a cup of English Breakfast in the morning, but who knows what new Tara likes. Besides, I need to get her up, and give her her medicine, first. And then, she should probably eat something. Some of the raspberry yogurt would be good." Unaware of her babbling, or the quizzical expression on Buffy's face, Willow yawned, and stretched her back. "What time are we supposed to meet at the Magic Box?"
"I called Anya a little while ago. The new plan is to meet at noon. I said we'd bring lunch for her and Xander."
"Subs from The Sub Factory?" Willow asked, already knowing the answer was yes. Xander had been on a Sub Factory kick for weeks.
Buffy grinned. "That's the plan. I've already got their orders. We can call everything in just before we leave."
"A vegie delight for lunch actually sounds great, especially if the sun dried tomato hummus spread is available today."
"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you." Buffy stepped back. "Okay, I'll leave you to get-" Buffy stumbled over the girl's name. "Tara up. Come downstairs when you're ready."
Willow closed the door and turned back to the bed. The girl was sleeping on her side and had snagged Willow's pillow to hold against her chest. It seemed like the girl might be dreaming, although her body was still. Tara was still spooned around the girl, holding from behind, one arm encircling her waist. The hacker moved to sit on the edge of the bed. She put her hand on the girl's shoulder and squeezed gently.
"Hey sleepyhead. Time to wake up."
Tara woke up instantly, but the girl snuggled deeper into the bed covers and pillows. Willow smiled at her lover. "Well, I guess that got one of you up."
A happy gin crossed Tara's face. "Good morning, sweetie." The blonde sat up to give Willow a tender and lingering kiss. "You need to get her up. And I shouldn't be here when you do. So I'm going to take off for a while, okay?"
"Why can't you be here?" Willow asked, a petulant tone creeping into her voice.
"Will, you need to take care of her without me hanging around. And you need to tell her about us. It's important you do it right away, before she finds out from someone other than you." Willow started to protest, but Tara held up her hand. "Baby, just trust me."
Willow nodded and turned her head away so that she wouldn't have to see Tara vanish. She swallowed several times to steady herself, and then began to gently shake the girl's shoulder. "Come on sleepyhead. It's time to get up."
This time, the girl awakened. When her eyes opened, she smiled. "What time is it?"
"It's after ten, I asked Buffy to let us sleep in since we were up so late. How do you feel?"
"Better, I think." The girl struggled to sit up. "My side is still really sore, but I don't have a headache." The girl stretched her arms over her head, relieving muscles that had tightened over the night. "Do you think I could take a shower? If I don't wash my hair soon, it's going to fall out."
Willow laughed. "I doubt that will happen. But yes, you can take a shower. Before that there's something I need to tell you." Willow's face turned serious. "Something I probably should have told you already."
The girl's expression turned serious. "Sounds kind of ominous."
The hacker shook her head. "No. Not ominous. But important. It's about your counterpart and me." She reached to pull open the nightstand drawer. From inside the drawer she pulled out a framed photograph of herself and Tara. Taken at the beach, they were sitting on a yellow and orange stripped blanket, arms wrapped around each other, locked in a gentle kiss. She turned the photograph downward on her lap, not wanting to reveal it right away. "When I said we knew the Tara from this world, I didn't explain something."
"She was your friend right. She was part of your Scooby group?" The girl hesitated over the term.
"I don't know if Tara ever really thought of herself as a full-fledged Scooby." Willow began. "You see, she came into the group after we all met in high school. Xander and Buffy and me, I mean."
"It was just the three of you." The girl asked, her expression curious.
"No, there were others. Cordelia, for one. Although she had her issues with being part of the gang, as well. She was sort of Xander's girlfriend." Willow stopped herself from making a face. "And then there was Oz. My high school boyfriend."
"And Anya came into the group as Xander's girlfriend."
"You knew that?" Willow asked, her tone surprised.
The girl's forehead wrinkled. "Xander mentioned that Anya was his ex-fiancée. It just stands to reason."
The red head nodded at the girl's logic. "And then there was Angel, and in a completely insane way, Spike. But Spike kind of joined forces after we graduated and went to college." Realizing she was babbling, Willow tried to rein in her explanation. "Things are more complicated when it comes to the two of them."
"Why?"
"Well, they're both vampires for starters." Willow admitted glancing at the floor.
"For starters?" The girl's eyebrows were approaching her hairline. "How could vampires be involved with vampire slaying?"
"They're both special cases. Angel has a soul." Responding to the look on the girl's face, Willow waved her hands. "It's a long story. But he's a vampire who fights for the good."
The girl started to object, but Willow held up her hands, smiling. "I know it sounds impossible, just work with me for a bit." She waited for the girl to nod before continuing. "And as for Spike, he was altered by a government operation. They put a chip in his head, and now he can't hurt humans, only demons." Willow's expression turned dark as she thought of the one exception to the rule. "Plus, he thinks he's in love with Buffy."
The girl startled. "Is he in love with Buffy?"
"That's complicated, too." Her smile entirely gone, Willow shook her head over the unresolved issue. "Complicated as in seriously messed up. Anyway, Angel now lives in Los Angles, and Spike went away last spring, and he hasn't returned."
"She died last spring, didn't she?" The girl asked softly.
It was Willow's turn to raise her eyebrows. "Yes, how did you know?"
The girl picked up one of the pillows and held it against her chest. "The expression on your face." After a beat, she prompted. "What happened?"
Willow's stomach began to twist. "I told you. "There was a shooting. Someone tried to kill Buffy, and he killed-" She trailed off.
"He killed Tara. And you killed him." The girl's voice was barely above a whisper; her expression was unreadable.
"He took away everything. She was my everything." Utterly lost in the pain of the memory, Willow could only stare at the bedroom wall. The photograph slipped from her lap on to the bed. She sensed the girl picking it up from the bed, but couldn't say anything to explain.
"She was your lover." The girl spoke slowly as if experimenting with the words.
Not really hearing the girl, Willow explained. "She was my light. When she was taken from me, everything became dark." Willow's eyes jerked towards the girl. "I became darkness. I killed him. I nearly killed his followers. I hurt my friends. I almost destroyed the world."
The girl looked away, as if ashamed. "You fell into dark magicks."
"I embraced dark magicks." Willow corrected, her tone bitter. "I was just lucky my friends stopped me. Giles had to come all the way from England and I nearly killed him too. I hurt Xander, Buffy, and Anya. God, I hurt Dawnie, and she's just a kid. The whole world was very lucky I was stopped. And I'm very, very lucky that my friends took me back. " Willow brushed away the tears that had sprung unnoticed. "Good people had to pull me from the fire, from the darkness. I didn't deserve anyone's forgiveness, but they gave it to me all the same, and now I'm trying to make amends."
"She was your lover." The girl repeated, blankly.
Willow sat on the side of the bed, no longer aware of the girl. Only of the pain she'd caused and the pain she still felt. Thoughts of all of the things she could have done differently crowded her mind. She barely noticed the girl moving from the bed, or saying she was going to go take her shower. She barely noticed Tara materialize next to her, or felt her lover pull her into her arms.
Chapter Thirteen
The girl sat on the floor of the bathtub, the water from the shower raining down on her body. At first she tried to cry, but she couldn't. The hurt lying trapped inside her chest wouldn't come out. She didn't even understand why she was so upset. The words she tried to put on what she was feeling didn't really fit. Angry? Jealous? Envious? Used? She'd welcomed Willow's comfort as she relived the horror of losing everyone she cared about, believing the red head cared about her. Now all she felt was sick. Her stomach twisted as she remembered waking up in the night and reaching for the red head, wanting to be wrapped inside Willow's arms. She didn't have a word for what she was feeling. The only word she could of was connection.
And now she realized she was exactly what the vampire had said she was. The loneliness of her life overwhelmed her. All of the grief that she'd held at bay, the sorrow of knowing she would never make her appointment with Larry in Los Angeles, the ache of knowing she'd failed Sam, the horror of watching Diego and Carl die rose inside of her. The entire time she'd spent preparing to avenge their deaths, preparing to stop the Master, she'd never allowed herself to grieve. Grief was weak and useless. Grief was everything that her father had said she was. Memories of her father flooded back, her father taunting her for crying and for running to her mother when she was afraid, memories that intertwined with other memories of losing her friends, of Ethan Rayne twisting inside her mind, of Sam's death. She fell to her side; the pain seeming to come from every direction and then the tears came.
She lay under the pounding water sobbing until she found the strength to push it all back again. Her legs shook as she drew herself to her feet. It took little time to wash her hair and body. Why should she care if her stitches got wet? She wondered if the high school were very far from the house? Maybe Gene would have some cookies today? She could leave right away. Nothing was holding her. But by the time she was finished in the shower, she accepted the fact that she couldn't stop her enemy herself. She needed the others to help her, but she had to remember that beyond her mission there was nothing for her here. She belonged nowhere. To Willow and the others she was what she was nothing more than a ghost.
When she came back into the room, wrapped in the bathrobe she'd found hanging on the door, she found the bed made and clothes laid out for her. She dressed quickly and then went downstairs. Willow was in the kitchen and had set out a bowl of yogurt and coffee. She kept her eyes averted, not wanting Willow to see she'd been crying.
"I need to go get ready. Why don't you eat something first and then take your meds. I'll just be a few minutes." The red head explained, heading out of the room before the girl could respond. Willow's voice was still thick from crying, and a new layer of guilt fell upon the girl's soul.
While Willow was upstairs, Buffy returned from outside, carrying a gallon of milk and a grocery sack. The two of them spoke awkwardly for several minutes waiting for Willow to return from upstairs. The girl could tell Buffy knew something had happened between her and Willow, and she noticed that when the red head came back to the kitchen the Slayer did not try to question her friend. They left for the Magic Box several minutes later as if nothing were wrong.
On the ride over, they stopped to pick up sandwiches. The girl sat in the backseat, clutching her backpack in her arms. Someone had returned her blades to the side pocket of her pack, and as they drove through the city, she ran her thumb along one of the knife handle, a small self-comforting gesture.
Buffy parked behind the store and they entered through the backdoor. The floor mats she'd laid on the day before had been put back. All signs of her presence had been erased. When they entered the store, Anya was ringing up a customer sale. It had not occurred to her that the store would be open for business. Since the demon wars had begun in her world, few stores were open on weekends, and no stores were open at night. She couldn't decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing that people could shop on Saturdays.
The three of them sat down at a round table near the back of the store, out of the way of the customers. Several minutes later, Xander joined them, coming through the door carrying a tray with five sodas. The girl couldn't help but smile as he made a big deal of serving the three of them, putting on some accent she couldn't quite identify.
As soon as the customer left, Anya closed the store to the obvious surprise of the others and came to sit with them.
"Aren't you foregoing your capitalist duty, Anya? Closing on a Saturday afternoon?" Buffy joked.
"We need to talk about something and I can't have customers pestering me with their silly questions about the merchandise. Besides, I'll just start overcharging on the newt's eyes. No need to worry." Anya explained, confidently.
"Okay. Understanding your logic there." Xander replied. "Should we eat first? Or is this something you can tell us on an empty stomach?"
Anya reached for the bag holding the sandwiches. "Eat first, discuss later. I'm starving."
As the five of them ate their lunch, Buffy, Xander and Anya kept the silence at bay with small talk about Sunnydale's newly renovated mall. The girl found the conversation difficult to follow, not only because of the references to stores and places unknown to her, but also because Willow kept looking at her and then turning away.
They finished their meal quickly. While Xander cleared away the papers and napkins, Anya climbed up to the newly finished loft to fetch several books. She brought them to the table and opened each to a specific and pre-marked page.
"I've been doing some research." Anya declared as she nervously tapped her fingers over the open pages.
"On your own?" Willow questioned, not bothering to hide the surprise in her voice.
"Yes, on my own." Anya ignored the possible jibe and glanced instead at the girl. "Something's been bothering me about new Tara's injuries. Why she isn't getting better."
"She's getting better." Willow bristled. "She just started the antibiotics, and the aspirin is keeping down the fever."
Now becoming annoyed, Anya leaned towards the red head. "And I bet if anyone checked Tara's sides she'd see that the bruises we saw yesterday have gotten only worse."
Uncomfortable with the friction between Anya and Willow, the girl self-consciously wrapped her arms around her middle. Anya was right. Her bruises were worse. But her fever had lessened. "W-what does any of this matter?" She started to interject, wanting to bring the conversation back to what was important, her mission.
"What matters is she's not getting better." Anya persisted, her eyes beginning to flash.
"Excuse me. Let's stop talking about Tara like she isn't here. No more third person talk, okay. It's not as if she's a ghost." Xander interjected, his tone one of annoyance.
Xander's words eased the girl's heart and she gave him a grateful look. "Maybe we should--"
"And that brings me exactly to my point about ghost Tara." Anya interrupted.
His eyebrows reaching towards his hairline, Xander repeated. "Tara is not a ghost."
Anya sent her ex-fiancé a look of naked frustration. "Not this Tara, I mean the other one. The one that's been hanging out with Willow."
The girl's eyes darted to Anya. Her heart was starting to pound. "What are you talking about? What ghost?"
Anya looked at Willow her expression one of confusion. "I thought you said you were going to tell her about Tara."
The girl watched Willow's face flush as the red head explained. "I did. I told her about me and Tara and what happened."
"You were supposed to explain--" Anya interrupted.
Willow glanced at Buffy and Xander. "No one told me that we were going to talk about-" The hacker stopped and looked away. "I didn't think we were going to bring up my Tara."
"Guys, this isn't helping." Buffy said, trying to intervene.
Anya, clearly annoyed with Willow and the others, continued. "How could you think our Tara's soul wouldn't be relevant? Of course it's relevant. It's probably the reason why-"
Her heart pounding, the girl interrupted. "What are you talking about? The other Tara died last spring. Willow told me."
"Tara's soul hasn't left the mortal plane. It's still here. And I think that's why you're not getting any better. But I need to ask you about how you passed into this dimension to be sure." Anya explained, regaining her usual even tone.
The girl stood up, her eyes blurring, her heart pounding. As calmly as she could, she explained, "I can't talk about this right now." She backed away from the table and limped to the practice room. She wasn't surprised when Willow followed her seconds later.
Shock was quickly turning to anger. "You left out an important detail in your story this morning." The girl turned to look Willow in the eye. "So let me get this straight. My counterpart just happens to be your dead lover and her soul has never left you." Unable to hide or explain the betrayal she felt, the girl looked away. Her legs beginning to shake, she dropped down on the floor next to a stack of floor mats, bracing her back against the edge and holding her head in her hands. "You should have told me the truth from the beginning."
Willow kneeled down next to the girl. "I've been trying to tell you. But it's been hard, and there hasn't been that much time."
To upset to hear what the hacker had to say, the girl continued. "This whole time, no one's been honest with me."
Willow's voice was tender. "No one's been dishonest with you either."
The hacker made the mistake of trying to reach for the girl's hand. She jerked away as if burned. The words were off her tongue instantly and without thought. "Yes you have. You let me think that you cared about me, and really this is all about the other one."
"No, it's not that at all. Of course we care about you." Willow protested.
"Only because of her." The girl said accusingly. Aware she was behaving badly, for once the girl chose not to care. "I thought you wanted to h-help me."
Starting to sound exasperated, Willow explained, "It's not a you or her. She's part of you."
"And you're a part of me." Tara said, from behind Willow.
The girl heard the voice speak from behind the hacker. For a moment there was a shimmering light in the air, and then she saw her. They were not identical. The other Tara's face and body was a little fuller, her skin unmarked by scars. But the girl knew immediately that the other Tara was a part of her. The girl moved towards Tara wanting more than anything to be held in her arms, believing that in her arms she would finally find peace and all of the pain and horror and loneliness of her life would ease. But when she reached for her, there was no substance. The girl collapsed, her body trembling with a hurt so awful she couldn't imagine it ever stopping. She felt the press of Willow's slim body wrapping around her own, and she wanted to pull away, to run away and never see the red head again. But she couldn't. Ashamed and afraid, she sobbed in Willow's arms.
A haze settled over the girl's thoughts until Willow's quiet humming drew her back to the here and now. When the girl spoke, her voice was still rough from crying. "My mother used to sing that to me when I was a little girl."
"So did my Tara's, she taught it to me, and later, after she got hurt, I used to sing it to her." The girl started to move to sit up, but the red head's arms closed around her. "Don't get up just yet. We need to talk, and it's easier this way."
Embarrassed, her anger returning, the girl asked. "Easier for whom?"
"Us. It's how we do things."
Willow's voice was calm and her tone incredibly soothing, but the girl refused the comfort. "We don't do things. We don't know each other." The girl bitterly explained. She tried to twist out of Willow's arms, but the red head wouldn't let her.
"Don't we? Than how do I know exactly the way you like to be held when you're feeling scared? Like this, from behind, my one arm wrapped around your stomach, the other around your upper chest. It makes you feel safe and secure. How do I know that you like to sleep with your head against my shoulder and your arm over my waist?" Willow's tone became amused. "How do you know to brush your hand over mine when I'm getting snippy, like you did last night when I started to get annoyed with Anya."
Slightly mollified, the girl remarked. "She's only trying to help."
Willow chuckled. "I know, but sometimes I forget. I used to forget a lot more often. Now it only happens once in a while."
The girl felt the lightest kiss against her head and despite herself she leaned into it her body unable to hide how much she wanted Willow's comfort. "How can you make me feel so safe? I never feel safe."
The red head's voice was gentle. "Tara, we don't have the experience memories, but you know me. I know you do. And you're right; I should have told you about my Tara. You shouldn't have found out the way you did. I just didn't know how to tell you. Telling you about how I lost her was--."Her voice trailed off for a moment. "Every time I've told the story it's felt like I was losing her all over again. Everyone seems to have this idea that talking about losing someone is supposed to make you feel better. But they're wrong. It's doesn't."
The girl moved inside Willow's embrace so that she could look into tender green eyes. "Where did she go? Your Tara, I mean. She'd isn't here right now."
"She had to go away for a while. Kind of recharge. Making herself visible takes a lot out of her." Mentioning Tara's needs caused the red head to remember the girl's "Your fever is back. You should take some more aspirin."
Willow started to move, but the girl held her still. "Please, can we stay here together for just another minute or two?"
A faint smile crossed the hacker's face. "Not quite ready to face the gang again, huh."
The girl took the easy out and tucked her face into the red head's shoulder. "Not just yet."
Willow shifted so that she could brace her back against the stack of floor mats and then helped the girl move on to her lap. Once they were settled, she wrapped her arm around the girl's waist and chest, smiling as the girl's head dropped back against her shoulder.
"Things keep coming at me. I feel so lost." The girl whispered.
"You're not lost. You're here, with me. And it's safe. I promise." Willow whispered back.
The practice room still smelled of chicken soup, sweat and liniment, but a new scent hovered around her. Gradually, the girl realized it was the scent of Willow's hair and skin. Delicate and fresh, the girl breathed in the scent, letting it fill her lungs. Unaware, she pressed her face into Willow's neck, breathing even deeper, reveling in the comfort of Willow's body.
Nearly thirty minutes passed before they returned to the main room of the store. Xander, Buffy and Anya were still seated around the table. It was obvious that Anya had explained what she knew to Buffy and Xander, and neither looked happy. The girl let Willow help her back into her seat and then watched Willow move back to her own. She missed Willow's arms around her and wished they were sitting next to one another.
"Are you feeling better?" Buffy asked.
Buffy's tone was solicitous, for the first time the girl did not feel regarded with suspicion by the Slayer. She nodded. "Willow explained to me."
"Well not everything, because I don't think Willow knows everything." Anya interjected, her tone impatient.
Willow reached for her shoulder bag and pulled out an aspirin bottle. "Anya, why don't you tell us what you know? I promise to stop interrupting." Willow said, her tone even. She took out two tablets and then leaned across the table to give them to the girl. "Here, take these. It will bring down your fever."
"For now. But not for long." Anya interrupted.
"Anya thinks she's figured out why Tara can't seem to throw off her fever, or heal." Xander explained, his tone deeply troubled.
Anya looked at the girl. "I think I have, but I need to ask you a couple of questions first."
Not sure what to expect, the girl replied "Okay," and steeled herself for another blow. Since coming to this dimension, every time anyone said she needed to be told something, it hurt. Again, she wished Willow were sitting closer.
The vengeance demon glanced down at her book before asking, "When you came to this reality. Did you use a teleportation spell or did you open a portal."
Not sure why the vengeance demon was asking, Tara cautiously replied that she'd opened a portal.
"I knew it. I just knew it." Anya's voice was filled with triumph. She closed her book with a satisfied snap.
Willow tried to hide a smile. "Knew what, Anya?"
"Okay, another question. This one may seem kind of weird. But when you moved through the portal were you able to take anything with you."
The girl flushed slightly. "No, I had to leave everything behind. My backpack, my kit, my weapons, my clothes, everything. It was part of the conjure."
Anya looked at Xander and Buffy. "That explains it."
"Explains what?" Willow's patience was obviously growing thin,
"Explains why Tara can't heal, why she can't do magicks." Anya opened another book, and used her finger to search for a passage.
"Can't do magicks?" Willow asked, clearly surprised.
Anya glanced at the girl. "You haven't even tried, have you?"
"No, there's not been any need." The girl explained uneasily. She's used a portal to ensure she could do magicks. Panic began bubbling in her stomach. How could she take down the apprentice if she didn't have her powers?
Anya's voice was matter of face. "Well don't bother. You can't."
Willow began to bristle, and the girl resisted the urge to reach for the red head's hand.
"And she can't because why?" Willow asked, her tone a warning.
The vengeance demon ignored the hacker and turned back to the girl. "Tara, you didn't just pass into this world, you made yourself a part of it. You're a part of the fabric of this reality, now. And I bet you knew that. I'm guessing that you needed to come here by portal to complete this mission of yours." Anya didn't wait for the girl's response. "But what you don't know is that you're incomplete." The vengeance demon pushed a book towards Willow. "Just read this passage, you'll see."
Willow read for a moment, her face at first interested and then horrified. "How do we stop this?"
"Tara needs to regain the parts of herself that are missing. She needs to become one being, instead of two."
"Anh, I thought you said she can't do magicks." Xander said, now confused.
Anya shook her head impatiently. "No, I mean she can't do spells."
"What? This isn't making any sense. What are you saying?" Willow asked, her voice rising in pitch.
Buffy pushed her chair closer to Willow's "Will, it's the only way. She can't live without her soul intact. And our Tara isn't living."
Not perceiving the potential effect of her words, Anya added." Right now she'd feeding off of the new Tara. It's why our Tara's been growing stronger ever since the new Tara arrived in our reality."
It had taken a moment or two, but the girl finally understood the implications of what Anya was saying. Shocked at herself for not realizing immediately what it meant that Tara's soul was still part of this reality, for a moment she couldn't think. And then she realized what Anya was trying to say. Her face ashen, the girl sat forward. "I can't take do this. I can't take her away from Willow."
Buffy's voice was filled with sorrow. "There's no other choice."
The girl turned to Anya. The demon knew magicks. She could help. "Then send me back to my world. Just let me tell you what you need to know to fight the coming evil."
Anya looked at the girl with sympathy. "It wouldn't help. You'd die anyway. You're already joined to this reality. You'd still be split in two."
The girl looked to Buffy, anything to avoid seeing the pain on Willow's face. "I can't hurt her."
Anya misunderstood. "Our Tara is already dead. She can't be hurt."
Tears filled the girl's eyes. "No, I mean Willow."
The hacker finally spoke. "I need to have some time to think."