*large bear hugs to all and tissues for those who need them*
Hey Kittens, WOW on the emotions that last part caused. I didn't mean to break anybody, or make anybody cry. Although knowing that my writing was powerful enough to cause an emotional reaction for some, makes my head swell.
And Bethany, wow! My writer's pride and my heart soared that my writing could remind you of such precious things.
Thank you Kittens, for your feedback, your trust, patience, and confidence. Closure. Don't have too much closure Kittens, because, HELL YES, Tara is coming back … Soon!!!
Finally, the plot starts to (kind of) take shape in this part. And the Angst Warning has been downgraded to a Sad Warning.        PEACE … Dix
PART 16
"Have you seen this?" Dawn asked as she entered the kitchen brandishing a green notebook.
Buffy gave her sister a blank look, "What is it?"
The teen tossed the book on the kitchen counter, "Willow's latest entry in the 'Wiccan's Depressed Home Journal.' It's awful Buffy."
The slayer picked up the book and flipped to the latest entry, "Where are you going?" Buffy looked up as the youngest Summers moved towards the back door.
"School," answered Dawn, "Make up work."
"Oh, right."
"Xander's picking me up when I'm finished, we're going out so we can try and distract ourselves form the fact that our lives suck."
"Dawn-"
"It's all right Buffy," the teen interrupted, "I'll be home later." And she walked out the back door, closing it behind her.       
The slayer looked at the doorway and continued to do so even long after her sister disappeared.
Our lives do suck. Buffy sighed and pulled her eyes away and turned her attention to Willow's journal of despair.
Oceans aren't nature's creation, not evolution, but a creation of emotion. Oceans are the result of sadness, the combined tears of all those who knew loss … who knew pain. Glaciers are what your heart becomes, fire is your anger, and the sky is your unreachable dream. Where does sadness go? Something happens, and your days are full of sadness, but as time goes on, your days aren't as full anymore. Where does that sadness go? Is it just gone? Where does the love go? One day you love them so much that you feel like you'll die without them … but one day you loose them, and your life goes on. You learn to live and love again. And one day you wake up to find yourself in a new life, 20 years have gone by, and you're living without them. You even managed to find happiness again. Where did the love go? But not me. My love is gone. Where do I go? Where do I go now. My reason is gone. I think I am a shadow. I exist, but that's all. I have no purpose, no path, no love. Nothing.Willow walked slowly through the park, along the shaded cement path. Her sneakered feet dragging with each step. The Wiccan's hands were tucked deeply into her pockets while her head sagged forward, her red hair falling over her face.
There was a break in the trees along the path and Willow stopped and looked up at the sky, letting the sun shine down on to her face. She let her barely open eyes slide closed, the green orbs were red and swollen and completely dried out.
'Is there sunlight in heaven? Sunlight makes your eyes even bluer.' The wind blew and knocked the stray red locks from her face.
'How about a nice breeze? Something to cool you off on a hot day?'A loud motorcycle that passed by, brought the redhead out of her thoughts and Willow kicked at a pebble on the ground before she resumed her walk.
'I still don't believe that you're gone, ya' know.' Willow mused as she walked on. 'A part of me knows that you are … but most of me keeps expecting you to be there when I reach out at night. I expect to see you come through the door, or find you sitting on the bed studying. I'll walk past a store and see something you'd like and I check my pockets to see if I have enough money to buy it for you.'Willow squeezed her sore eyes closed, trying to fend off the tears that she didn't think she had left. When the tears were held at bay, the wiccan opened her eyes and continued on her walk.
'It's like the future doesn't exist anymore. At least not for me. Remember that big, gray brick house a couple of blocks away from the park? The one we said was beautiful and we fell in love with it. Well, it's for sale. They had an open house today and I went in and looked around. Baby, it's as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside. It's even better then we imagined it would be. I walked through the house and I could see our future.' 'I knew our room the second I walked into it. It's large and airy, there was a small balcony that looked over a small garden in the backyard. It had its own bathroom and there was a fireplace. Tara, it was gorgeous. I saw us cuddled together on a loveseat in front of the fire during a thunderstorm. We were talking and then we started kissing and then…'Willow released a small laugh as she walked and continued with her internal conversation.
'As soon as things started picking up, the kids busted into the room. I kind of pouted while you gave me a soft smile and pulled little Hannah onto your lap. Danny and Justin pounced on us a minute later and baby Rebecca let her displease at being left out known, she wailed like a banshee from her bassinet across the room.' 'Four kids baby, just like we planned. Four beautiful babies with beautiful blue eyes just like their mommy. God, Tara, I can almost remember you being pregnant … But I guess none of it matters anyway, we'll never be able to have it. No matter what happens, no matter what I do, I can never make that happen for us. Everything I wanted for the future is impossible. I can't even hope, it's all gone.'The tears she had been fighting pushed past her defenses with full force and Willow dropped onto a bench as sobs racked her thin body.
The broken redhead lay on a park bench … her heart in agony, her soul crying out for its other half.
Still unaccustomed to being able to walk around during the day, without the fear of sunlight Spike waited until night fell before he made his way from his crypt to the Summer's household.
Clem had filled him on what had happened in his absence and the former vampire decided to drop by the cemetery and pay his respects to the fallen Scooby and friend, before continuing on to Casa de Summers.
The white-haired former vampire stayed at the cemetery for nearly four hours. He watched Willow writhe in misery at her love's grave, promising her that they would be together again. The redhead remained for three hours and one he spent paying his respects. He followed the redhead to a student dorm, and once he was satisfied that she would be safe, Spike made his way to Buffy's house. Considering all that had happened, he decided to put off the sharing of his news and once again proclaiming his love for the slayer.
And he did love the slayer, he knew he did. It was his lack of a soul that made him attack Buffy that night, it was his soulnessness that made him continually hurt the petite blonde. It had to be. But he had his soul back now … now, the slayer could love him back.
Spike moved to the back door and slipped in unnoticed. He wasn't there to declare his love or present his news, but he could still check on Buffy. After all, he hadn't seen her for quite some time now.
The former vampire reached the bottom of the stairs when the phone rang and he quickly moved into the dining room as footsteps were head moving to the top of the stairs.
After the third ring the machine picked up and told the caller to leave a message.
"Hi Buffy, it's me," came the depressed voice of the youngest Summers sister, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to the Magic Box with Xander and we're going to help Giles and Anya clean up. I'll be home later. Bye."
Neither occupant in the house moved after the message was recorded, at least not immediately. After about five minutes the slayer got up off of the top step where she had sat down and moved back down the hallway.
Spike leaned against the wall in the dining room and waited and listened. Several minutes passed and just as he was about to leave, he heard something that made him stop and listen closer.
Buffy was crying.
The blonde man, former vampire moved stealthily up the stairs and down the hall towards the slayers room. But as he moved closer he realized that they sobs weren't coming from the blonde's bedroom. Buffy was in Willow's room.
Spike listened to the slayer sob and cry for and over Tara. He wanted to enter the room and try and comforter her, but fear and uncertainty held him back.
She cried for almost an hour and just when the former vampire thought the petite blonde was finished, he heard her growl in frustration, and the unmistakable sound of a fist hitting something, it sounded like a wooden chair, echoed through the upstairs.
Spike chose that moment to slip back down the steps and out to the yard, and he stood behind the large tree in the front of the house. He had only been standing behind the tree for a few minutes before he saw Buffy charge out the front door, Mister Pointy in hand and she stalked off down the street.
Spike knew that the slayer was upset and angry and that was the easiest way to make mistakes. So he followed her, watching her back from a distance.
The slayer cried while she looked for vamps, she cried while she staked vamps, and she collapsed against a crypt when she was finished for the night. Buffy tried to compose herself some and she pushed off the crypt and left the cemetery, but taking the time to stop and visit Tara's grave again.
"Hey Tara," said Buffy as she used her hand to dust off the polished marble gravestone. "I need to ask you something." The slayer sat down and leaned against the headstone and traced Tara's etched name with her finger, "Can you ever forgive me?" she asked as tears poured down her face.
The slayer pulled her knees up to her chest, crossed her arms over them and buried her face against them.
Spike sighed and turned away from the scene and walked away. A short time later the former vampire stood in front of the beaten Magic Box, looking in at the store's four occupants as they worked to clear away some the debris.
Giles, his features tired and drawn, moved sluggishly as he cleaned. He was picking up books off of the floor, looking at each one as if he were remembering something.
Xander, in Spike's opinion was the comic relief of the group, wasn't looking very jovial just then. The young construction worker was attempting to repair some of the damaged shelves, each hammer swing seemed to be coming harder then the next as anger and sadness surrounded the air around him.
Anya was kind of out of it. The demon, or ex-demon, or whatever the hell she was, was sweeping up glass and other debris. Every few minutes the broom would still and Anya would look off at nothing. Her eyes would tear up, she'd shake her head, and then resume sweeping. Spike could tell that she was barely hanging on.
And the nibblet … she was just broken. All of her movements where almost mechanical, and her eyes were devoid of every emotion except melancholy.
Spike watched the group for a little while longer before swinging past the dorms and the Summers house to make sure both Willow and the slayer were safe.
Willow, had fallen asleep on the floor of the dorm room. The witch was surrounded by numerous magic books, some light, some dark, a lot centered on resurrection. Spike was certain that after what had happened, that Giles was keeping close tabs on the witch and would know if she tried to go near the magic again, but even if the watcher wasn't, the redhead wasn't going anywhere till morning, so Spike moved on to go and check on the slayer.
Spike could see her moving around in her bedroom and he stayed and watched until the light clicked off and Buffy went to bed. Satisfied that the two women were safe enough he made his way back towards the cemetery.
Spike made a small detour at the cemetery and found himself back a Tara's grave. He reached into his coat and pulled out his cigarette's, putting one between his lips and lighting it.
"Okay blondie," started Spike as he took a deep pull, "we have to fix this mess. Your bird has no idea what of she's about to do."
The former vampire put the cigarette between his lips, took off his coat and reached for shovel he picked up on his way to her gravesite.
Two more hits from the cigarette and the butt was flicked away, Spike rolled up his sleeves, took a deep breath, and started to dig.
TBC…