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TITLE: Patience
WRITER: GrimCityGirl
STORY RATING: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, they all obviously belong to Joss and mutant enemy and yadayadayada
SUMMARY: Willow, Tara and lesbian bed death.
FEEDBACK: Please!
NOTE: I have never written smut. I wanted to have a go at it before I get to the 'smut' element of my ongoing fic "Sparks In Dust", and I had an idea that I wanted to explore.
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3 months.
It had been 3 months since they had last made love, and Willow was struggling.
For the last 18 years, Willow and Tara had loved ecstatically, enthusiastically and vigorously in both emotional and sexual senses. Their connection was impossible to describe, and enviable by most couples they encountered.
Throughout their twenties they had fought side by side the Scoobies on the mouth of hell. They had loved each other through violence, loss, grief and the beautiful but brief light moments in-between each apocalypse.
Eight years prior, the gang had faced the darkest and truest form of evil - The First Evil, in fact. They had watched their home tumble around them and had lost many souls along the way, but they had won. And then they fled.
In that time since, the gang moved on and began to live ‘normal’ lives. It turned out that the banal stresses of everyday life actually had more of a toll on them than any of them had expected or really experienced in their youth. Most ‘real world’ stresses rolled off them compared to the weight of the literal world on their shoulders, but mortgages? health problems? Career progression? Home decorating? All more stressful and infuriating than any of them could have predicted.
This was especially true of Tara. She had followed her caring calling and worked tirelessly on her education, and ended up working for an orphanage. She dealt with troubled children and all of the horrors and tumultuous problems the adorable vagabonds could possess.
She had found a deep and personal purpose and she put everything she had into her work, and Willow admired her greatly for that.
But in recent weeks, she had come to resent it.
Tara’s workload and stress levels had meant that, though their loving relationship was as strong as ever, their intimacy had waned.
Over the last few years their love making occurred less and less often, and were mostly only initiated by Willow.
When the decline had started, Willow had chalked it up to their age and relative comfort of their relationship - the ‘honeymoon phase’ had ended, they were settled and happy and that meant less immediacy and she could understand that, But as time wore on, the pauses between were bigger and further apart, and she felt herself hollow out more and more as time marched on.
Tara wasn’t lacking in affection - far from it, she loved Willow and let it be known at any given opportunity. She would hold her, kiss her (albeit chastely) and would take any opportunity to hold her hand or show other small physical examples of her feelings. But she never seemed to want more than that, most of the time.
Willow couldn’t remember the last time Tara had acted with any real impulse or passion towards her. And the ache that thought caused was beyond anything she could have imagined.
When Willow was rational and calm, she could make complete sense of Tara’s position. Her work life was hectic and emotionally demanding, it was the stress of an average job quadrupled with the responsibility of children's lives. Of course it would exhaust you, make you more emotionally removed, and less interested in the physical side of life.
But Willow’s rational, calm thoughts got squashed down by insecurities and emotional needs more often than not, and resentment started to grow in their absence.
She had always felt ‘unremarkable’, her childhood crush on Xander meant a lot of formative years feeling unattractive and unworthy of affection, those feelings started to creep back up with Tara and now that they were no longer ‘cool monster hunters’ she wondered if Tara was more caught up in the rush and excitement of their frequently dangerous lives, than excited by Willow herself.
She had spent her whole life not feeling special, or good enough, and the subtle but consistent rejections from Tara chipped away at her self worth, little by little.
She yearned to be close to her lover, to push her to abandon and back, to collapse underneath her and dissolve into a euphoric haze.
She yearned to feel loved again, and to show her love.
The dark feelings swirled within her as time went on. Feeling guilty for being upset, feeling ashamed that she was so ‘sex focused’, and then feeling angry because she knew there was nothing to be ashamed about.
It was never “just sex” with them, their love making had always felt profound. It was a higher level of communication for them both - moving beyond words, souls soaring and dancing together, using their bodies to say what their mouths couldn’t.
This lack of connection felt wrong to her, in a lot of ways.
Over the years, when the spaces between grew wider, Willow had known the right thing to do was to communicate - you can fix all relationship problems with communication, after all.
So they talked. They talked a lot. And somehow, that made it worse.
Every time they would discuss it, Tara would say all of the things Willow knew she would - her responsibilities, her stress, her tiredness, and that she still felt love, but that she had other priorities and therefore some things slipped by. Tara would reiterate her affections to try and quell the insecurities bubbling underneath the surface, but they were only words, not the communication that would normally speak to her insecure soul.
The talking meant that nothing had changed, but suddenly their ‘sex life’ had an extra weight to it. Willow would try to initiate and would notice that Tara’s rejections were more apologetic, because now she knew there was more behind the initiation. It added an unnecessary pressure to the proceedings, from both sides.
After a while, Willow had taken to her first love - Research.
The concept of a “Dead bedroom” seemed a bit extreme to her, but it was the first area her research led her to. She found a dark rabbit hole of Reddit conversations from mostly straight men complaining about their wives never touching them but also seeming to miss the very obvious reasons for their wives disinterest - their wives were juggling their own careers, responsible for the main bulk of house chores as well as taking care of their children. The men would wonder about their own needs, and Willow wondered why these women stayed with these men at all.
She found little helpful resources for lesbian specific relationships (apart from some sad but amusing ‘Lesbian Bed Death’ memes), but during one of her many lonely nights researching she discovered some literature that shed light on some elements.
She broached the awkward topic with Tara once again, praying it would be helpful - and in some ways, it was.
The books helped them use the same language to discuss their issues, and give them specific areas to talk about that would help each other understand. It led to hope, on both sides, that these things were surmountable because Tara would engage in conversation with Willow about sex in a positive way, and would explain that their difficulties in that area actually made it harder for her to engage because she started to find their sex life stressful all by itself and Willow had an opportunity to talk about their predicament without the possibility of sex hanging over her head to make the conversation more difficult.
But despite all of this progress, they were here - 3 months and counting.
Willow opened her eyes to the morning rays. She didn’t feel the need to check her bedside clock, knowing she had nothing of any significance to wake up for.
It was a Sunday, a day both Willow and Tara had off together - which was rare all by itself.
Willow looked over to Tara’s sleeping form. The pair had been sleeping naked since the beginning of their relationship, which added an extra level of torture for Willow in these yearning moods.
A part of her told her that maybe today would be different. Maybe the space of a day off will allow Tara’s mind to ease the breaks and she would be receptive to Willow.
Another part of her scolded herself for creating hope, knowing how painful it will be when it’s inevitably dashed.
They had come close to an encounter a few weeks ago, and the calamity of that event had been making the space between them even more strained.
One evening, Willow had asked Tara if she would like an early night, and Tara had agreed. When turning in, Willow had kissed her lover, and tried to show her intent with as little pressure as she could manage, as she knew that level of stress only made things worse on Tara’s end.
She assumed it would be for nought, but Tara had actually responded, opening her mouth slightly to receive her, and sliding her fingers into Willow’s hair gently.
Willow was unsure if things would continue, but felt starved for her, and pushed on and to her absolute delight Tara responded in kind.
They, somewhat awkwardly, started to find the familiar but sorely missed rhythm of kissing and lightly touching, but Willow’s brain decided to have a little war with itself.
Part of her was desperate, wanting to devour her, her center pulsing furiously. The other part of her begged her to slow down, to savour it, because she knew it wouldn’t last.
The combatting elements made for a distracted Willow, and unfortunately Tara noticed.
“What’s going on?” she whispered, between kisses.
“Nothing, I’m fine” Willow lied, quickly dipping in for another kiss.
“Willow - “
“Please. Please just, it’s fine, okay?” Willow snapped, immediately realising what she had done.
“This is… it’s too hard. I can’t. I’m sorry.” Tara pulled her arms back, let her hair fall in front of her face slightly, and refused to meet Willow’s eye.
“Ok.” Willow choked out in response, for there was never anything else that could be said.
That night had weighed heavily on Willow in the following weeks. She felt angry at herself for causing more awkwardness and hated feeling so useless. She was completely out of options, and felt that ever initiating again would be a massive mistake.
So she stopped trying, and mentally prepared herself for a potentially sexless reality. She loved Tara with all her heart and would do anything for her, to live her life with her. If that included reluctant celibacy, then so be it.
Tara started to slowly wake, allowing her arms to stretch and a small high pitched moan to escape as she loosened her muscles. Her eyes opened and looked directly at Willow, immediately resulting in a warm smile.
“Hey, you” she said, rolling over to throw her arm around Willow’s equally naked torso.
“Hey yourself.” Willow smiled back, finding Tara’s joy infectious.
They cuddled in silence, enjoying the rare moment of intimate quiet.
“What would you like to do today?” Tara asked.
“I don’t really mind, I could make you breakfast if you like, maybe we could go to the park? Read our books out in the sunshine?” Willow commented, loving any opportunity to spend time with Tara and noting the nice weather through the gap in their curtains.
“That sounds perfect. But more cuddles first” Tara sighed, snuggling herself deeper into Willow’s shoulder. Willow chuckled, and closed her eyes, enjoying the moment.
After a few minutes, Tara started to caress Willow’s stomach with light circles, while resting her head just above her breast.
Willow mentally stalled at the touch, too afraid to move or react in case Tara may be spooked.
Tara continued her tortuous path, and moved her head up slightly to bestow small kisses upon Willow’s neck. She kissed higher and higher, until she was close to Willow’s ear.
“I’ve missed you, you know” she whispered and licked Willow’s earlobe gently for good measure.
“Oh?” Willow squeaked out, trying to remember to breathe.
“Oh yes. I think it’s time we got reacquainted, don’t you?” Tara whispered again, through a smile that Willow could hear rather than see.
Without waiting for a response, Tara lifted herself slightly to kiss Willow’s lips, and rested her naked body fully on top of Willow’s.
Willow gasped at the intense feeling of their skin on skin contact, feeling like her every nerve ending had exploded at once in the space of a millisecond.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt the perfect jigsaw puzzle connection of their bodies. Lips together, breast to breast, legs entwined.
Willow’s inner voices started to war, but the frequently absent calm and rational voice finally broke through.
“You love each other, stop thinking, just be together. Feel.”
The sudden clarity of that voice allowed Willow to officially turn her brain off, and just enjoy their time together.
With that insecurity quietened, Willow attacked Tara’s lips with vigour.
They wrestled their tongues while gliding their legs together like a frenzied, passionate machine.
Tara was giggling between kisses, and her joyful expression caused Willow to grin in between each meeting of their lips.
Minutes spread out underneath them as they caught up on lost time, fingers tracing sides while tongues explored, and the heat built between them steadily.
Tara pulled back slightly, gave Willow her patented half smile and stared deeply into her eyes before quietly stating “I love you, Willow”
Willow was half way through responding when Tara’s head quickly descended upon Willow’s left nipple, immediately sucking the hardened pebble into her warm mouth.
Willow groaned around the end of her sentence, closing her eyes in response to the sensation and grabbing a fistful of Tara’s hair to keep her close to her chest.
Tara smiled to herself as she worked, using short gentle sucks on the nub, while bringing up her right arm to attend to the neglected right nipple. After a while her left arm joined in, sliding lazily down the side of Willow’s thigh with light caresses.
She would pepper her sucking motion with an occasional light but persistent lick, and Willow could only respond with airy moans.
After a few minutes , Willow grew impatient. Their lack of bedroom activities over the months had meant that Willow’s inflamed loins hurt like the absolute dickens from the sudden influx of arousal. Her usual ache had now physically manifested and her center pulsed painfully.
Willow used her hold on Tara’s head to hoist her up, so she could attack her lips once more, needing to convey the urgency and adoration she felt for her. She explored her mouth thoroughly, revelling in the long lost feeling.
Tara pulled back again and smiled.
“I guess you don’t want the teasing, huh?” she asked with a small grin. She kept her head up as she asked but continued stroking Willow’s chest maddeningly slowly, wanting to keep the fires burning.
“I love you, but I may die if you don’t touch me” Willow laughed through her honesty.
“Well, I was touching you” Tara replied with a ‘duh’ like expression.
“You know what I meant” Willow groaned, emphasising her point by thrusting her thigh higher in between Tara’s legs and grinding herself on Tara’s thigh at the same time. Their slick warmth spread at the same time and the small amount of friction caused them both to moan.
Tara paused to catch her breath slightly at the pressure, and then smiled up at Willow in a mischievous way.
“I’m going to need you to say it, baby” she said, while ducking her head back down to Willow’s breast. She resumed her sucking, savouring the taste of her love.
“Oh god…” Willow moaned out, both in pleasure and in annoyance.
She waited a second to see if Tara would relent, but Tara’s enthusiastic motions did not cease. Her fingers continued to tease her thighs, moving further inward but retreating before reaching the destination Willow desperately needed. She knew she had to concede.
“Oh god, Tara… please… please make love to me” Willow almost sobbed, because despite the teasing journey they had taken, she knew this plea was more painfully honest than she could really bear.
Tara paused, looking up, and gave Willow a gentle smile.
“I love you, Willow. Of course I will.”
She moved her head back to its previous position, and let her hand snake down to Willow’s curls, slowly moving through them until she dipped into her wet warmth.
Within seconds, she had touched on Willow’s clitoris, and started slowly but steadily applying pressure to it. She moved her fingers back and forth, finding a comfortable rhythm.
Willow threw her head back in awe, slamming her eyes shut and immediately moving her hips to assist in the back and forth motion of Tara’s touch.
Tara let her hand continue it’s pace for a few moments before lifting her head to be next to Willow’s.
“God you feel good, baby.” Tara whispered, kissing Willow before she could respond, speeding up her thrusts.
“Yes, yes, yes” Willow moaned quietly to herself, too caught up in the long lost sensations to really respond.
Tara started to register the changes in Willow’s breathing and the subtle way she moaned to herself when she was getting closer. Delightfully surprised, Tara whispered “Yes, that’s my girl, I’ve got you” and slid her fingers gracefully from Willow’s clitoris to her opening, entering her with two fingers and repeating her previous pace.
Willow’s eyes shot open as she moaned an intelligible “Aughh” in response to the sudden full feeling.
Willow’s muscles pulsed around Tara’s digits. Without losing momentum, Tara turned the angle of her hand slightly so that her thumb could flick Willow’s bundle of nerves while she continued the delicious in and out pattern.
Willow felt the months of tenseness, resentment, insecurity and self hatred start to uncoil themselves inside of her, and spread throughout her body, pushing her to release it all through every pore.
Knowing she was close, Tara tried to keep the same speed, but moved her fingers to press inside Willow’s inner wall, trying to hit her G spot.
With one last thrust and Tara’s added pressure, Willow’s pelvis shot forward, her head went back, her chest pushed out, and she finally let go of it all, erupting into a thunderous climax.
Tara slowed her actions, wanting to bring Willow back down gently. She slowed from moving back and forth and just held herself inside of Willow for a few moments.
When Willow had slowed and her breathing started to seem more normal, Tara extracted herself and climbed up Willow’s spent body.
She curled up alongside her, resting her head on her chest.
“Thank you for giving me space. I know it’s been hard.” Tara said quietly, more to her chest than to her face.
Willow looked down at her, realising that Tara had initiated, and there had been no awkwardness, no blanket of desperation, no tip toeing around each other.
She couldn’t remember the last time it had felt this natural.
And all she needed to do was give Tara space. To not add to her pressures. In her own way without realising it, she had been making it more and more difficult for Tara to just relax and enjoy their time together. She just had to stop pushing, and give her space.
She felt like a fool. A completely satisfied, giddily orgasmic fool.
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- I am a poster girl with no poster, I am 32 flavours and then some -
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