TITLE: Hells, Spells and Wishing Ne’er-Do-Wells
WRITER: GrimCityGirl
STORY RATING: PG-13 / R. Honestly I'm not sure. A very soft R?
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, they all obviously belong to Joss and mutant enemy and yadayadayada
SUMMARY: Slight AU on Hells Bells. D'hoffryn and Halfrek intervene on Anya's wedding day with entertaining results.
FEEDBACK: Please!
NOTE: Because of my course and my impending wedding (like 4 days, ya'll!) I haven't been able to focus on Sparks In Dust. It's been a while and I want to get back into it but I've been worried about being rusty, so I wanted to write something silly to get my head back in the game. I chose the episode Hells Bells for a daft one shot because I'm marrying the love of my life this week and wanted to celebrate it in my own very, very weird way. Enjoy!
NOTE 2: This is quite probably the dumbest thing I'll ever write so please keep that in mind when reading it. I'm going for humour.
Hells, Spells and Wishing Ne’er-Do-Wells
There is a common phrase for impending doom that people use. It’s “going to hell in a handbasket”. But what does that mean?
A handbasket is pretty self explanatory. It’s a basket you can carry with one hand.
The phrase “Hell in a handbasket” itself has many rumoured origins, one of which is that it comes from the 1840s, where men were lowered, by hand, in baskets down mining shafts with explosives.
You can kind of use your imagination for the rest of it.
It quickly became synonymous with imminent disaster. It’s a useful tool in your cliche arsenal.
It was a phrase Dawn had in her mind when D’hoffryn handed her a wedding present that had freely wiggling tentacles popping out of the box.
A box isn’t necessarily a basket, but she could carry it in her hands and it seemed capable of destruction, so the phrase seemed to fit.
The phrase also made sense for the general atmosphere of the ceremony. The collection of demon guests from Anya’s side were actually polite, well behaved and entertaining company, the mortal Harris clan, on the other hand, were seemingly on the brink of causing a fist fight.
D’hoffryn and Halfrek were standing towards the back of the room, near the bar, observing the potential massacre.
“This is a mess.” Halfrek commented with disdain.
“Normally I’d say this event would be wonderful for business but I must admit, I mostly find myself concerned”. D’hoffryn responded.
“This isn’t right. Anya may be foolish for wanting to marry a mortal but she deserves a happy day, it’s important to her. Not that any of these idiots care.”
She scanned the room and spotted Xander’s father, already inebriated, glaring and grumbling obscenities at an unsuspecting and easily tearful Clem.
“We should do something.” She muttered.
“What do you propose?” D’hoffryn asked, curiously.
“Maybe I could convince someone to make a wish…” she lingered her sentence, scanning the area for a potential victim.
“Considering your recent behaviour with Anya’s group of do gooders I don’t think offering wishes is going to make her happy with you”. He replied.
“Well, you do something! You don’t need wishes to perform magic!” She hissed at him, trying to keep her voice down around the guests.
He turned to her, looking stern.
“Are you suggesting I use my power for purely selfish reasons to do something ‘nice’ ? I am a demon, Halfrek. I am your demon lord, I turn air into blood, I rain death upon - “
He was interrupted by a shrill shriek coming from the gifts table, where Dawn was trying to contain the much more agitated tentacle box that was breaking free from its confines, grabbing a nearby mortal guest by her hair.
They both looked over, and Halfrek interjected.
“You could call it a wedding present, maybe take your tag off that one”.
D’hoffryn sighed.
“Good idea”.
He snapped his fingers and the room stilled. He closed his eyes, moved his arms slowly and gracefully in front of his chest and chanted in a deep, rich tone.
As he moved his hands, a pink mist with glittering tendrils started to form around them. He continued to chant, and the mist moved through the room, expanding throughout the building.
While the mist held in the air, D’hoffryn snapped his fingers again and everyone reanimated instantly, but for a split second they all breathed in the pink mist, and it was suddenly gone.
He turned to Halfrek and shrugged.
“Done”.
She smiled at him, and then walked to the bar.
—---------------------
Just before the pause that no one noticed, a strange old man in a raincoat was trying to grab onto Xander’s arm while he fended off his relatives.
“I need to speak with you” he demanded while tugging.
Xander turned to him, confused and said “Can I help you?”
The man opened his mouth right at the moment of D’hoffryn’s spell. When time restarted, the man paused.
“This is… I… I’m sorry to bother you.” He stuttered, looking confused before turning around and stumbling from the venue.
Xander gestured a thumb towards the man in confusion and asked his relatives “Do any of you know that guy?”
—------------
The atmosphere had changed dramatically in the short amount of seconds the spell took to take hold.
The mortals and demons mingled together more at ease, with a jovial energy passing between them.
Xander’s aunt Carol started to dance with a particular demon, demonstrating an affectionate gaze as she held him closer.
“You dance wonderfully, Kevin!”
“It’s Kroven”
“Sorry, such an unusual name! You carnies are a delight!” she exclaimed as she held him closer. Kroven shook his head in amusement and continued the dance.
Back at the bar, Clem was chatting to another demon with red suckers protruding from his hands. Tony Harris stood, and walked over to them both.
“You’ve got suckers on your hands” he told the demon, point blank.
The demon looked at his hands, and then looked back up while shrugging.
“Yes, I do”.
Tony smiled. “That’s pretty funny!”
The demon stared at his hands and started laughing.
“It is pretty funny!”
Tony threw an arm over the demon's shoulder.
“Let me buy you boys a drink!”
The three, laughing hysterically, headed to the bar.
Halfrek watched the exchanges and turned to D’hoffryn.
“What…spell…did you do, exactly?” she asked with trepidation.
“Narcoridiculam” He responded, nonchalantly.
“That’s the spell you chose?! You got them STONED?!” she hissed back, checking around herself for peoples reactions.
“Seemed harmless… And amusing.” D’hoffryn shrugged, smirking to himself.
—-------------------
Everyone had settled into their seats for the ceremony, with some slight chuckles and smiles from the crowd.
Xander and Willow stood at the altar, both lazily smiling out as Anya and the bridesmaids walked down the aisle. Anya was grinning from ear to ear, Dawn was chuckling to herself, Tara gracefully danced down the aisle and Buffy held up the rear, doing an impression of a bull whilst laughing to herself. Despite the absurdity, nobody seemed to mind.
D’hoffryn and Halfrek sat at the back, Halfrek with a scowl and D’hoffryn with barely contained delight.
The officiant, sporting sunglasses and a cigarette, hushed the crowd.
“We are gathered here today, to see these two people get hitched.
Yo, Daddio, Do you take this fine lady to be your wife?” He asked Xander.
Xander grinned dopely, nodding his head vigorously up and down.
“You betcha!” which resulted in both Xander and Anya giggling.
The officiant turned to Anya, and asked (while pointing finger guns) “And you, sexy mama, do you take this dude to be your awfully wedded husband?”
“Damn right I do!” she grinned and threw herself into Xanders arms, kissing him hard on the mouth.
“By the hours vested in me! Ya’ll are married! LET’S PARTAAAAAY!” The officiant bellowed, throwing his hands in the air.
The crowd cheered and immediately ran to the bar.
—------------------------ An hour after the ceremony, the party was in full swing. Xander and Anya had already run off to the wedding car to consummate their nuptials. Humans and demons alike were gorging themselves on finger sandwiches and tiny cakes from the buffet table. Buffy and Spike were teaching Dawn and a young man with antlers protruding from his head how to play poker.
In the corner by the bar, the Harris men and many demons were huddled around a portable television watching some kind of sporting event and laughing themselves silly.
There were people eating, drinking, dancing and committing mild acts of vandalism.
In the corner, Willow and Tara were huddled together, staring at each other dopely.
“I can’t wait to have coffee with you.”
Tara blurted out the thought. She felt giddy and excited to be around the redhead again, especially on such a happy occasion where the past and tension had dissipated and they had a brief reprieve from their lives of the last few months.
Willow’s smile, which was already quite prominent, managed to spread itself further upon her face in delight at Tara’s confession.
“I have been looking forward to it all week” Willow responded honestly.
“What, more than the wedding?” Tara joked, nudging Willow with her elbow.
“Yes” Willow nodded.
“Wow.” Tara said simply.
“Spending time with you… is, like, the best” Willow giggled.
“That’s…so true!” Tara giggled back.
They giggled to themselves for a moment, at a loss to explain what was happening at that moment, but none caring too much to question the evening thus far.
“Could I kiss you? That…too…you know… messy?” Willow asked. Her brain momentarily yelled at herself for the forward comment but she seemed to have little control of her inhibitions.
Tara felt like she should say no. The sluggish voice of common sense was half heartedly croaking from the depths, but her heart just wanted to give in, relax, and have fun for once.
So, instead of giving her an answer, Tara leaned forward and covered Willow’s lips with her own.
The kiss ignited something within them. The lazy euphoria morphed into a fire that threatened to consume them both.
Without speaking, they both rose from their seats, clutching their faces together, their kiss unleashing the dormant passions they had been denying all these months apart.
They briefly parted their lips to catch their breath, but were incapable of pausing for long, their lips pulling together in quickly pressed bursts.
“Should we…” Tara whispered.
“Find somewhere…” Willow continued.
“...To be alone?” Tara finished, pausing to look Willow in the eye, slightly biting her lower lip.
Without saying a word, Willow grabbed Tara’s hand and dragged them towards the hallway where the dressing rooms were located.
Willow pushed into Anya’s dressing room, quickly checking that it was empty, before pulling Tara inside using Tara’s back to close the door.
Their lips immediately fused together again, Tara threw her arms haphazardly over Willow’s shoulders while Willow planted her thigh between Tara’s legs and allowed her hands to slowly caress Tara’s sides as their kiss deepened.
Willow pulled back from the kiss slightly to bite lightly on Tara’s bottom lip. She moaned deeply in response to the pressure, lifting her back from the door to meet Willow’s thigh, desperate to make contact.
Willow felt the pressure and made a snap decision. She pulled Tara away from the door and picked her up under her thighs, never severing the kiss while she lifted Tara up and manoeuvred Tara’s legs around her own waist.
She carried Tara over to the slightly raised podium Anya had been using for trying on her dress.
She laid Tara down, and climbed above her, peppering her neck with kisses.
They continued to get reacquainted, when suddenly the door burst open with Buffy and Dawn. More specifically, Buffy was giving Dawn a piggyback. They had somehow managed to find party noise makers and glittery party hats and were tumbling into the room singing a giggly slurred version of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”.
Willow and Tara looked up in alarm at the exchange, and Buffy and Dawn realised what they walked in on at the same time.
The four stared at each other.
And then all promptly burst out laughing.
—------------------ It was 11.30pm at night. Most of the guests had left, and the scoobies were sitting in a circle of ceremony chairs, passing a bottle of whiskey and laughing. Anya was sat on Xander’s lap, them both sporting large smiles and coyly catching sight of each other. Dawn sat at Buffy’s feet, them both smiling during Spike’s current story. Willow and Tara were barely listening, sharing glances and feeling comfortable in each other's company.
D’hoffryn and Halfrek were some of the only other guests left.
“Well I think that gift worked rather well.” D’hoffryn smiled, looking around the room at the various alcohol spills, cake smeared on the walls, and general debris of party shenanigans.
“It’s a miracle nothing dangerous happened” Halfrek muttered.
“I’m not sure why you assume I cast spells foolishly. I ensured it was mild, and confined to this building. The last thing I want is unnecessary harm. Especially when there’s no vengeance to be had.” He told her, with a slightly disapproving tone.
“That’s true. Sorry to doubt you.” She conceded.
He nodded. He breathed in slowly and then waved his hand.
As soon as he put his hand down, the mood in the air shifted immediately.
The scoobies looked at each other, their faces sobering slightly and their eyes widening in surprise and confusion.
“What… the…” Buffy commented.
Anya paused, looking deep in thought before she stood up and started yelling at D’hoffryn and Halfrek.
Tara was only catching every other word Anya was saying, but asked the group a question.
“Was.. was there a spell?”
Without thinking Willow immediately responded with.
“Hey, don’t look at me!”
They all simultaneously burst out laughing at the absurdity.
—----------------------
The gang had picked themselves up and discussed the evenings discretions with the vengeance demons to work out what precisely had happened.
Despite the ordeal, or possibly as a side effect of it, they didn’t really mind the spell being in place. Xander and Anya had a pleasant wedding that they never imagined could happen, and had enjoyed themselves. Everyone had a good time and no one was hurt, by Sunnydale’s standards it was kind of a miracle.
They all started to part ways, leaving just Willow and Tara in the doorway of the venue.
Willow had no idea what Tara was feeling, but was terrified she would see this evening as a mistake, or a step backwards. She had felt so good with her all evening and she did not want to lose that, not after everything they’ve been through.
There was a long pause between them, where Willow was racking her brain trying to think of what she should say. She shouldn’t have been surprised when Tara managed to say it all with so little.
“So… Do you still want that coffee?”
They smiled stupidly at each other.
THE END
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