Author: Darkwillow6 (Ashley Riegel)
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Summary: Willow seeks the help of a therapist to understand her past and generate a clearer picture of her future.
Title: Therapy
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When Tara went back to Soluna, Willow didn’t know how she should feel. She had a lot of fears that may not have necessarily been rational, but they were there. Her mind, for the most part, oscillated between two opposing ideas. Would Tara, now having alone time to think, change her mind about what she wanted? Or would this time apart make Tara realize how much she really loved and needed Willow, more so than before?
For now, they agreed that both should stay in their respective cities while they got to know each other again. Both were eager to pick back up where they left off, but they knew that it probably wasn’t the best idea. The last thing Willow wanted was to screw it all up again, and so soon. So, they decided to see each other on weekends when both were off from work. It seemed like hardly any time at all, but it was a start.
The weekend approached slowly as Willow prepared for her trip to Soluna. This would be the first time she’d get to see Tara’s place there. Of course, she was excited, but also a little intimidated. She’d be seeing what Tara’s life was like when she wasn’t in it. The apartment was the world Tara built for herself and Willow struggled to prepare herself for what it would be like to be surrounded by that.
When she left work on Friday, her bags were already in her car. She was determined not to waste any more time than necessary. On the drive there, she took note that the speed limit seemed exceptionally low and she was barely able to keep her foot from pressing down on the gas pedal.
Ordinarily, she would be blasting her music and singing along the entire way. This time, though, the radio played in the background, almost as an afterthought, as she let Tara take over her mind. This brought her both joy and stress. There was something they had to talk about. Especially since one of them would be relocating for the sake of the relationship. After parking her car in the apartment complex, Willow stood at the door, hesitating. She let out a deep sigh and knocked.
Tara quickly opened the door and, before Willow knew what was happening, she was inside the apartment, back flat against the door with Tara’s lips on hers. She relaxed into the sensation and dropped her duffel on the floor. Things were moving much more quickly than she could have anticipated and she was getting lightheaded.
“Wait,” Willow whispered.
“I did, Willow. For a week,” Tara replied impatiently, beginning to unbutton Willow’s shirt.
Tara went in for another kiss and Willow did not deny her, but then cut it short. She wanted to allow Tara to continue more than anything, but she wouldn’t have felt right allowing this to happen without being honest with Tara. As difficult as it was, she took Tara’s hands in hers, stopping their downward momentum.
“I need to talk to you about something,” Willow said.
Her shirt remained partially open, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. She began buttoning it again and could not bring herself to make eye contact with Tara. Tara backed up a little and looked at the redhead. Her stomach rapidly sank as she saw the look on Willow’s face.
“Will, if you’re about to break up with me-” Tara began, voice trembling.
“No! Tara, no. I would never. There’s just… something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” she asked, heart pounding.
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8 YEARS AGO:
When Buffy called to ask Willow to join her, Xander, and Anya at the movies, she gleefully agreed. And once she hung up, she asked Tara, who was lying in bed next to her, if she would come too. Tara was hesitant, but agreed.
“Did you not want to go?” Willow asked, sensing Tara’s reluctance.
“I do. It’s just… It’s hard to have to act like your friend when we do things with them. I have to think so much about everything I do. Thinking about whether or not something I do is going to cause them to suspect. It’s work.”
Willow couldn’t say much in response. Tara was right, as always.
“I know. And I’m sorry,” she said, putting an arm over Tara’s waist, causing the sheet to move down slightly, exposing more of Tara’s skin.
“Me too,” Tara replied, looking away. “We better get ready,” she added, pulling the sheet off of herself.
She stood facing away from the redhead. Usually, she enjoyed feeling Willow’s eyes on her naked body, but this time, she couldn’t hurry out of the room fast enough. Nothing in her life had caused her to feel so conflicted. Willow not only understood where Tara was coming from, but constantly cursed her own cowardice. Especially seeing what it was doing to Tara. While Tara was showering in the en suite bathroom, Willow took the opportunity to release some of her frustration by sobbing quietly, unaware that Tara was doing the same, muffled by the sound of running water.
“Tara?” Willow said, entering the bathroom.
When she got closer, she could hear Tara sniffle. Willow had to swallow hard in order to keep from crying again.
“Tara, can we please talk?” she asked.
Tara didn’t answer, but opened the shower curtain and faced the redhead, a foreign expression present on her face. If the moment hadn’t been so serious, Willow would have been fully distracted Tara’s nakedness. Especially as each droplet on her skin cascaded downward one at a time.
“I’m really sorry, Tara. I love you so much and I hate that I upset you this way,” Willow said.
“God, Willow. Why do you do this to me?” Tara asked, the quiver in her voice echoing off of the shower walls.
When she saw the pure anguish on Tara’s face, she instinctively rushed to the blonde and held her. She felt Tara’s body shake as she continued to cry. Willow could barely tell the difference between the warmth of Tara’s tears and the shower water that continued to pour down over them.
As broken as she was, though, Tara was very aware of the way Willow’s skin touched hers and her sobs were replaced by heavy breath. Willow looked up when she noticed that Tara’s crying had halted and was stunned by the feeling of Tara’s lips fully enveloping her own. The water made a trail down both their chins and the large drops landed with a splash on various areas of exposed skin.
Tara tried to remove Willow’s shirt, but the task was made more difficult with the way the wetness caused the clothing to stick to her skin. Just as eager to make more contact, Willow removed the shirt herself along with any other inhibiting fabric.
Once she was naked, Tara backed up to allow Willow entry to the shower. Immediately upon entering, Willow pushed Tara backward. Then her ears were delighted by a sharp intake of breath from the blonde as her bare back touched the cold tile.
Tara’s hips inched forward to increase their contact and rocked her hips back and forth when she felt a satisfying friction. Wrapping her left hand in Tara’s soaked hair, she quickly kissed Tara, not giving her an opportunity to think about changing her mind. Yes, Tara’s frustrations were valid, but sometimes, she just wanted Willow and that was that. And maybe this was the problem. Telling Willow one thing, while her body said something else entirely.
Now, though, she was beyond the point of being able to stop what was happening. The slow trail Willow’s hand was creating from her shoulder downward was maddening and Tara was in no mood for the unhurried touches. To indicate her impatience, she pulled Willow’s body closer to hers and encouraged a faster descent with her own hand.
Ordinarily, this is the point where Tara would tell Willow what she needed, but as aroused as she was, she was still upset. And she knew that was the emotion fueling this encounter so she could not bring herself to speak to the redhead in the current moment.
When Willow finally reached her destination, she was able to easily feel the slickness before she even entered her. Being inside Tara was a feeling that Willow couldn’t compare to any other experience she’d ever had. And when Tara tried to pull her even closer, Willow was further inspired by the need she felt from the blonde. It wasn’t until Tara’s undulating hips reached a much faster rhythm that Willow realized just how close she was.
Soon, Tara stopped rocking and held still as her muscles clutched Willow’s proficient fingers. When she felt Tara relax, Willow just held her as she leaned, exhausted, against the wall. When Tara recovered, she wasn’t quite sure what to do. It was awkward being held so tenderly by the woman she loved most in the world while, at the same time, being unable to look her in the eyes because of the hurt she caused her on a pretty constant basis.
When the sound of the running water continued to be uninterrupted by speech from either of them, Willow decided there was nothing she could say in this moment, and exited the shower. She went to the room to dry off and get dressed. Not long after, Tara did the same. At this point, the movie would be a welcome distraction from this conversation, or lack thereof.
They headed out, barely able to look at one another. The car ride to the theatre was tense and that didn’t sit right with Willow. This wasn’t them. They’d always had this strong connection and now, because of Willow’s actions, or inaction, that connection was being jeopardized.
While in the theater, Buffy snuggled close to her flavor of the week, while Xander and Anya barely focused on the movie at all. Their constant lip smacking was distracting to Tara who was, at the same time, envious. She and Willow couldn’t even hold hands in the dark. This did nothing to pacify her and only embittered her further.
Their obliviousness to any attention was something else Tara picked up on. If this were the beginning of their relationship, Tara could have looked past it. She would still talk to Willow about it and hopefully urge her to validate their relationship to her friends. But it would not be as big of a deal as it was now, three years in. In fact, it was downright unacceptable at this point.
Willow was also distracted, focusing in on Tara and trying to read her. There were the obvious emotions. Frustration, sadness, and resentment. But there was something else that Willow was unable to recognize which generated a greater sense of fear within her. She wondered if their friction was noticeable to the others.
By the time they left the theater, Tara was brimming with antipathy. She’d found herself in this situation so many times, yet she struggled to figure out something effective to do about it. At this point, she didn’t even want to go home with Willow and she knew that that was a really bad sign. In the past, when things like this would come up, she’d rationalize to herself that at least she had Willow. At the end of they day, they were together and loved each other. She was quickly realizing, though, that didn’t seem to be enough and her heart broke.
Willow was not oblivious to Tara’s body language. She understood when they got home, that Tara would voice her frustrations. And Willow had no excuses. She never did. And it was exhausting experiencing all of this stress with no resolution in sight. Especially since she still couldn’t bring herself to come out and didn’t know why. Just that every time she tried, her voice wouldn’t work. The muscles constricted preventing any sound from making its way out of her. Nothing in her life had caused her so much fear and, at the same time, disappointment.
When they arrived home, and the door shut, the silence felt heavy. Neither wanted to start speaking, but Tara was used to it by now.
“How long do you want to do this, Willow?” Tara asked, quietly.
“I don’t want to do this at all. Hiding. You know that. I just want to be like all the other couples, Tara.”
“Well, then I don’t see a problem. Because that’s exactly what I want. That’s all I want. The only thing holding us back from that is your fear.”
“It’s not that easy,” Willow replied.
“Of course it’s not. But this is not okay.”
“I don’t know what you’re expecting from me,” Willow said, tearfully.
“More than this, Willow. Three years is way too long for us to still be here,” Tara replied. “I want to be with you, but not like this. Not in secret. And I’ve told you that so many times. If you were going to tell your friends, you would have done it by now.”
“I’m scared, Tara!” Willow said.
“Don’t you think I know that, Will? You can’t say I haven’t been patient. But you’re not ready. I can see that. I could see it a long time ago. I just hoped that I was wrong. Because I fucking love you so much, Willow. I get it. You’re terrified that you’ll lose your friends. And I don’t want you to have to worry about that. So, I’m making the choice for you,” Tara said, regretting the amount of frustration in her own voice, but needing to be sure that she was understood.
Instantly, upon hearing this, Willow jerked backwards as though that was the last thing she expected to hear, despite the signs, and her mouth went dry. She knew that if she tried to speak, she would break down crying, but since it seemed things were headed that direction anyway, she had to say something to keep Tara from breaking things off.
“Tara, please don’t. Please,” she begged, even going so far as to get on her knees and clutch the blonde’s hands in hers.
“Do you know how many times we’ve had this conversation? You beg me to stay and I do because it breaks my heart to see that look on your face. But, Will, I’m done. I’m so exhausted. I’m just… I’m done,” Tara said, fighting to get the words out as she cried more and more.
She removed her hands from Willow’s so that her actions matched her words. She also needed them to wipe away the constant flow of tears that betrayed the certainty of her decision. Willow stood at the loss of contact. She tried to look Tara in the eyes, but Tara wouldn’t allow her to do so, keeping her gaze cast downward.
“But you know that I love you, Tara. I do everything I can to show you that.”
“Except this,” Tara replied. “I don’t want to do this. I never wanted to have to do this. But there’s nothing left for me to say, Willow. Other than ‘goodbye’.”
That word struck Willow nearly as much as a physical blow. Not because it was out of nowhere. It was the finality of it. She’d been worried about this happening for a long time. But apparently, as Tara pointed out on more than one occasion, she feared losing her friendships more than losing Tara. Now, she was paying the price for that. When Willow had nothing else to say, Tara just shook her head in disbelief.
“I’m going to go to Sandra’s. I’ll give you plenty of time to get your things. You can leave your key on the table,” Tara said, exiting the apartment.
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_________________ My parents said that I could be anything that I wanted to be... so I became a lesbian.
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