The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:47 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2580
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Author: Chris Cook
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place, and Shelby whose Ringing in the New Year gave me the idea for this silly little episode specifically (you’ll see what I mean). The rest is me, and since I only decided to write it for Valentine’s Day yesterday, that’s why it’s probably not very polished.

Adventures of the what? Read the previous Special Friends stories on this very board, by Cyd:
A Very Special Christmas
The Curse of the Wicked at Heart
Another Special Christmas
and the one where I got into the picture, with Cyd’s help on my first episode:
Crisis of Infinite Lesbians


Invasion of the Girlfriend Snatchers!


An event had transformed Snowydale. Pink glitter encrusted every available surface. Heart-shaped balloons filled with helium were affixed to every lamppost and electricity pole, in some cases in such quantities as to lift them out of the ground and cause aircraft to be diverted. Mass-produced decorative lovers’ benches had sprung up in parks and gardens, each helpfully displaying the logo of whichever company wanted credit, thus creating the impression of a silent but fierce battle for dominance among the lawn furniture herd.

The commercialisation of Valentine’s Day was impossible to escape.

However the Wonder Lesbians were living up to their reputation for making the impossible possible, and as they walked about town - technically ‘on patrol’, but in fact meandering aimlessly hand-in-hand with besotted smiles on their faces - the purity of their love prompted many a bystander to forget for a moment the crass trappings of commerce surrounding the day, and turn their affectionate thoughts to their fellow man, woman, and/or non-gender binary individual of their acquaintance, likewise free of media-inspired distractions, and even those without a special someone (or occasionally someones) at that particular moment felt their hearts lifted by obvious proof of the goodness the world contained. The Wonder Lesbians’ besotted smiles were just that good.

The romantic tranquility of the scene was to be somewhat disrupted, however, as the pair stopped near a snack vendor, and Tara left Willow’s side for a moment to buy something tasty for the remainder of their patrol, pointedly ignoring the suggestively-shaped hot dogs she suspected were somehow Overt Sexuality Gal’s doing and casting her gaze over the selection of muffins. With the blonde’s attention thus momentarily diverted, a skanky-looking woman in excessively tight pants and a midriff-baring shirt sidled up to Willow and leered at her.

“Can I, help you?” the perturbed Wonder Lesbian asked, taking a step back from the woman edging well into her personal space.

“Yeah,” she replied. “I’m Washington.”

“That’s... an interesting name.”

“How about you and me go have ourselves a Boston tea party together?” the woman said, licking her lips with unnecessary unsubtlety.

“Uh, you know Washington wasn’t actually involved in that...?” Willow countered uneasily, sighing with relief as Tara returned to her side.

“Hey blondie, three’s a crowd,” the interloper snapped.

“We’ve got patrolling to do,” Willow said firmly, steering a startled Tara away.

“Who was that?” Tara wondered, as Willow glanced over her shoulder, unhappily noticing Washington’s eyes fixed on her backside as she departed the scene.

“I don’t know,” she said. “She just came up and-”

“Hey hot stuff, I’m Adams,” another woman said, pouncing out from an alleyway into the pair’s path.

“Adam’s what?” Tara asked, perplexed.

“That super-suit looks good on you,” Adams went on, reaching out to touch Willow’s hip, but finding her hand politely but firmly slapped away. “But it’d look better on-”

No,” Willow said loudly, again taking flight with Tara’s hand firmly in hers.

“Hey baby, want to get some Jefferson in you?” leered a third intruder on the couple’s time, emerging from hiding behind a postbox and making straight for Willow with an exaggerated sashay designed to show off her short skirt which was well on its way to being classified as a belt.

“No I don’t!” Willow retorted, moving closer to Tara.

“Call me!” Jefferson yelled as they broke into a run.

“Not that I find anything unusual about the notion that women would be attracted to you,” Tara said as they jogged along, “but-”

“Hey honey, you ever dance the Madison?”

“Not interested!”

“-does this seem a little bit strange to you?”

“Yeah,” Willow agreed. “If only because they’re not looking at you at all, what are the odds of running into four women in a row who apparently don’t think you’re hot as well?”

“Want me to Monroe-row-row your boat?” yet another skank called to her from the window of a passing car.

“Five, that’s conclusive, also go away! Something nefarious is going on.”

“Come on, the plane’s parked just up ahead,” Tara said, as they hurried away from the growing crowd behind them.


“So this is kinda weird,” Princess Repression noted, peering out a window from the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality as the crowd of presidentially-named skanks clustered in front of the main gate outside deepened.

“How many are there now?” Cowboy Guy wondered.

“The one that tried to tip over my car when I arrived was called Coolidge, apparently,” Captain Tea Cosy said. “So that’s at least thirty.”

“Let’s solve this before they catch up to the present, okay?” Overt Sexuality Gal pleaded.

“The Wonder Lesbian Analyser has confirmed that they’re not real people,” Tara explained, studying the series of punch cards the complex computer inexplicably relied upon to communicate with the outside world.

“So what are they?” Nancy Gym Bunny asked, as a crash from outside marked the collapse of the perimeter fence.

“That’s what we have to find out,” Willow declared. “And I’ve got a plan.”


“I’ve spotted one of the varmints strayin’ from the herd,” Cowboy Guy whispered into his communicator, while hanging upside-down from the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality’s roof, supported by Nancy Gym Bunny’s workout-hardened grip on his ankles.

“Excellent work,” Captain Tea Cosy replied in his earpiece. “Wonder Lesbians, we have a suitable test subject in sight. If you would please initiate Plan Skank Lure?”

A moment later the skank in question, wandering around the side of the building while the main crowd continued fruitlessly pounding in the reinforced front door, perked up at the sight of Willow emerging from a side entrance wearing very little lingerie and a very aroused expression.

“Hey baby,” the redhead purred. “I need you right now.”

Hardly believing her luck the skank broke into a headlong charge, only to pass straight through what proved to be a mere holographic projection, and right onto Cowboy Guy’s lasso spread out on the ground, which at his forceful tug whipped her up into the air.

“Got ‘er!” he whooped proudly. “Nice goin’, Wonder Lesbians! ...hello?”

“They’re not listening, mate,” Nancy Gym Bunny said, peering over the edge of the roof at the hologram, which was now picking up the edge of Tara’s image as Willow cuddled and kissed her.


“What have we learned?” Giles asked a short while later, as the Wonder Lesbians - both with their hair mussed and their costumes a little askew as if re-dressed in a hurry - applied their scientific geniuses to the captive.

“Well for starters,” Willow said, “Van Buren here-”

“She said my name!” Van Buren crowed. “It’s true love!”

“- shut up - is definitely an artificial life form. Baby could you attach another omni-analyser? Thanks.” Tara dutifully and none too gently stuck another metal patch attached to a bunch of wires to the restrained skank. Hard sciences were generally Willow’s field of expertise, but Van Buren’s suggestive comments about wanting Willow to ‘probe her’ had gotten on her nerves until they swapped roles.

“So someone’s creating android skanks?” Princess Repression asked.

“Whoever it is, they’re getting their asses kicked,” Overt Sexuality Gal snarled. “These things are giving lascivious promiscuity a bad name, and I’m not okay with that!”

“The Legion of Impractical Malice?” Cowboy Guy suggested.

“Punch them if you see them,” Willow shrugged. “But I think it may not be them. The skanks aren’t robots - they’re biological, but not terrestrial.”

“Aliens?” Captain Tea Cosy dutifully interpreted for the non-sci-fi fans in the audience.

“And we think we know why they’re behaving the way they are,” Tara added. “Their brains are keyed to locate and home in on the Q-gene, the basis for gay superpowers, and disrupt the resulting Q-energy from forming stable interpersonal loops.”

“They’re trying to break you two up?” Nancy Gym Bunny put in.

“Ineptly, but yes,” Willow said. “We’re detecting a control signal guiding them, but wherever it’s coming from, as soon as we go there we’ll get swarmed.”

“If they’re driven by lust, my represso powers might help?” Princess Repression offered.

“Or I could bang them all until they’re exhausted?” Overt Sexuality Gal put in.

“We were thinking option A,” Tara said, while Princess Repression glared and mouthed ‘wrong’ at her partner. “But we could be looking at as many as forty-five of them, and that’s assuming we’re not going to have to deal with Vice Presidents as well.”

“So we’ve invented a focusing device for your powers,” Willow said, handing Princess Repression a glowing pink tiara. “This’ll let you target them with extreme precision and hold the horde off until we can deal with whatever’s controlling them.”

“I’ve got a kiss with your clit’s name on it,” Van Buren cooed.

“Alright that’s enough!” Tara snapped, grabbing a non-concussion Safe-T-Bat off the wall of the Wonder Lesbian laboratory and smacking the skank in the head with it.

“Butch,” Willow grinned, sidling up to her as she calmed down and blushed, tossing the bat away again.

“I-I was, you know, the way they’ve been... I don’t mean to get possessive, but-”

“Shh,” Willow smiled, kissing her. “Totally okay with the butch.”


“There it is,” Willow pointed through the side of the Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport, which being invisible gave a very good view of the surrounding area. In this case the view was of a gleaming silver bar-bell wedged incongruously through the decorative giant tongue on the roof of the Snowydale Museum of Oral Arts.

“Did not expect to see that,” Tara observed, glancing down at the street below. “Unfortunately we were right, the plane’s invisibility didn’t throw off the skanks’ homing senses, they’re climbing the building.”

“We need a clear run at that spaceship to get rid of it,” Willow decided. “Princess Repression, are you ready?”

“I’ve got your back, babe,” Overt Sexuality Gal grinned.

“Just don’t Blinding Flash them unless you really have to,” Princess Repression grumbled. “I’d rather than not start getting interested in you too. Okay, let’s do this.”

Tara steered the plane over the museum’s roof, low enough for Princess Repression to jump out, into the path of the oncoming herd. Striking a heroic pose which Overt Sexuality Gal rather enjoyed watching, she put on her Represso Tiara and summoned her energy with her newly-devised creed:

“In cinema back rows and games of truth or dare,
No careless groping will escape my disapproving glare!
Let those who think all game is fair,
Beware my power, Repression Stare!”

Her eyes glowed pink and shot out pencil-thin beams of repression, jumping from skank to skank and knocking them to the ground, where they suddenly began to feel very ashamed of themselves, and disintegrated as their entire purpose for existing was thus negated. With the path thus cleared the Wonder Lesbians jumped down behind Princess Repression and studied the alien spacecraft.

“Looks like there’s a maximum range,” Willow concluded, as behind her the self-consciousness-inducing firefight raged on. "So we just need to get it away from the planet and it'll shut down."

“Then we know what we have to do, right sweetie?” Tara said, reaching for her hand.

“Right,” Willow nodded, holding hands.


Exactly as intended, the Wonder Lesbians transformed into a giant rocket-assisted piece of siege equipment, which grabbed the spaceship in its arm, tore it free of the museum, and with a burst of its rockets flung it back into outer space, never to return.

“Nice throw,” Overt Sexuality Gal commented as the Wonder Lesbians returned to their normal (although naturally still very special) forms. “Just out of curiosity, what’s it like being a trebuchet?”

“Not quite as classic as a catapult, but I think more stylish than a ballista,” Willow replied.


“Think I got ‘em all,” Princess Repression said, breathing heavily as she staggered back to the other heroes.

“Are you okay?” Tara asked, noticing Princess Repression’s costume had come somewhat awry, her hair was slicked back, and her skin was coated with sweat.

“Just repressioned out... a bit,” Princess Repression panted. “No sense of... self-denial... for next few hours...”

“I got this!” Overt Sexuality Gal offered, having also noticed her partner’s current state, but proceeded along a different train of thought to Tara’s. “Hey babe, I’m thinking of covering myself in strawberry-flavoured lubricant and handcuffing myself to our bed, wanna come?”


“Don’t wait up!” Overt Sexuality Gal called over her shoulder as she was dragged away.

“So everything’s back to normal,” Willow said, sitting next to Tara on the base of the giant tongue monument.

“You won’t miss it?” Tara asked, with a playful grin. “A whole horde of women obsessed with getting into your super-pants?”

“Nah,” Willow shook her head, swinging her legs up to rest over Tara’s lap. “They were just one-dimensional caricatures, they weren’t real.” She kissed Tara to further cement her point. “This is real.”

“Yes it is,” Tara agreed. “Happy Valentine’s Day sweetie.”


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

Last edited by Artemis on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:34 am 
10. Troll Hammer
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Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:49 pm
Posts: 1159
Topics: 12
Location: Seattle, WA
Oh my word! What a FANTASTIC Valentine's Day gift!!

I love the Special Friends. I especially love their euphemistic names for literally everything.

I really don't have anything constructive to say about this delightful romp. It was just all fun... hilarious, sexy, fun.

Let me just add, however, that I am so grateful we didn't have to meet Skank #45. <shudder>

Thanks for this, Chris! And Happy V-day to you!


Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 7:16 am 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2580
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Thanks DW :grin

Anyway, time for something new - due to daylight savings this particular hour will un-happen in 45 minutes or so, so it's kind an appropriate time for this episode (I didn't plan that, honest).

Author: Chris Cook
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place.
Also notes: This was actually my planned next episode after Crisis of Infinite Lesbians all those years ago. Hope you all enjoy it at last.


House of W


Deep within the bleak and dismal swamp outside Snowydale, the headquarters of the Legion of Impractical Malice failed to rise, because it was in pieces.

One of the pieces rose, which didn’t at all have the same effect, nor was it an improvement since it allowed Warren’s weaselly face to appear. He looked from side to side in the nervous fashion of one who was recently saved from a well-deserved butt-kicking only by being covered by a piece of falling debris, and stood up once it seemed the coast was clear.

“Is anyone else here?” he demanded petulantly, trying to wring swamp water out of the ill-fitting supervillain costume Principal Corrupt Principles had talked him into wearing, to the enduring regret of everyone else.

“Are they gone?” Andrew asked, climbing down out of the tree he had been hiding in.

“Silence!” Warren yowled, purely by reflex. Even Andrew had begun to ignore it.

“The Special Friends captured Olaf,” Jonathan complained, falling out of the tree behind Andrew like the world’s least promising acorn. “Again.”

“And Robo-Warren,” Andrew lamented, sniffling to himself. “The one with the cattle prod got him in a lasso.”

“Did anyone see where the Principal went?” Jonathan wondered.

“His LSD bomb hit me in the head,” Mr. Broodypants complained, appearing from beneath the black coat he had hidden under like a tortoise. “I don’t know what happened after that.”

“You tried to bite me!” Warren snapped.

“You thought you were a vampire,” Andrew elaborated. “You said you needed his blood-”

“Blood...!” Mr. Broodypants wailed, going pale and looking ready to faint. He clasped his hands to his head, and got distracted. “...oh no, my hair’s got all soggy. Did my grooming products survive?”

“Hello, wonderful persons!” a pair of distorted but cheerful voices sounded from above. The remaining members of the Legion turned their squinty gazes skyward as the Bizarro Wonder Lesbians floated back down, beaming happily.

“You!” Warren tried to shout, except it came out as more of a shrill squeak. “You said you had a plan! That this would be our great triumph over those accursed Gay Guardians!” The Bizzaros looked around at the shattered, partially submerged, and slightly on fire ruins of the Hall of Perpetual Corruption.

“On Bizarro World, this is triumph!” Bizarro-Tara declared.

“Since when can you fly?” Jonathan asked. “Why didn’t you do that when we were fighting the Special Friends?”

“In super-fight, must use superpowers,” Bizarro-Willow pointed out. “On Bizarro World, not flying is superpower.” She seemed very pleased with this explanation, then got distracted by Bizarro-Tara’s grin, and they started kissing.

“Hey, you said you weren’t gay!” Mr. Broodypants sulked.

“On Bizarro World-” Bizarro-Willow began to explain, before Bizarro-Tara unzipped the front of her super-suit and buried Bizarro-Willow’s face in her cleavage. Warren buried his face in his hands, which was less pleasant on pretty much every level available, and tried his best to ignore Andrew tentatively patting him on the back.

Just then, when the Legion of Impractical Malice was at its lowest - not that their highest was a great deal further up the ladder - fate decided to be a pain in the butt to all right-thinking people and intervene, in the form of a small woman in the stained and swamp-sodden remains of what at first appeared to be a witch’s dress, but on closer inspection proved to be a home-made copy of a cheap Halloween costume, coloured red by way of a non-waterproof marker pen which was starting to run.

“Who the hell are you guys?!” she snapped.


“Legion of Impractical Malice,” Jonathan replied, too disheartened even to bother with the definite article. “Who’re you?”

“I’m Amy, the Scarlet Bitch!” the would-be witch proclaimed, striking a pose which accidentally made the cardboard brim detach from her hat and fall over her shoulders.

“Are you another lesbian?” Mr. Broodypants asked suspiciously.

“Will it get me attention if I say yes?”

“Why do you call yourself a bitch?” Andrew wondered, not seeing that argument going anywhere productive.

“Saves time. Hey has anyone seen a newt?”


“I need eye of newt for a spell,” Amy explained. “Newts live in swamps, right? Or, wait, am I thinking of axlotls...”

“A spell?!” Jonathan piped up. “I feel a nefarious scheme coming on!”


“So you want me to rewrite reality?” Amy asked with a confused frown.

“Yes!” Jonathan cackled maniacally, to the discomfort of the other members of the Legion, as it had started to rain and they were all closely packed beneath the one chunk of ceiling still standing. Warren glared at him, upset that his role as instigator of malicious schemes was being usurped.

“O... kay,” Amy shrugged. “Alright I’m gonna need some ingredients then. A cherished item of clothing-”

“Here,” Andrew said, dropping a pair of underpants into her startled hands.

“Why is your underwear cherished?” Mr. Broodypants wondered.

“Hey they’re mine!” Warren yelped.

“Next, an instrument of death,” Amy went on.

“Will this do?” Mr. Broodypants suggested, handing over a plastic toy, which broke in half in Amy’s hand.

“That was my last Darth Maul lightsaber,” Andrew complained.

“Did it ever kill anyone?”

“Liam Neeson, kind of...”

“And the unrealised hopes of an ephemeral soul.”

“What the heck is that supposed to look like?” Warren complained.

I don’t know!” Amy spat back. “I’m just reading what the Spells With Friends app on my phone says! Look just set the stuff on fire, we’ll work it out later.” Much to Andrew’s dismay the toy lightsaber and underpants were ritually immolated by way of a piece of their old conference table that hadn’t yet been extinguished by the rain.

“So when does reality get rewritten?” Mr. Broodypants muttered. “Can my hair be more spiky in the new Earth?”

“We’re trying to get rid of the Wonder Lesbians, your hair isn’t that important!” Warren bitched.

“Does it work like Back to the Future, or Timecop?” Andrew asked.

“My hair is important...”

“Entire world should be made of frogs,” Bizarro-Willow suggested.

“This is magic!” Amy snapped, snatching the piece of conference table away from Jonathan and poking the burning underpants. “We need to do a proper incantation, it’s... wait I need to look this up.”

“Are you really a witch?” Andrew asked.

Look, shut up, you can’t just say abra-ca-docus No More Lesbians and-”


Tara thought uncharitable thoughts about the Legion of Impractical Malice as she hurried from awning to awning, avoiding as much of the rain as she could, while the bus stops along the street sat vacant and unused, following the Legion’s latest edict that public transport was ‘a load of hippy crap’ and therefore outlawed. She cast a baleful glare at the Inferiority Complex, the misshapen edifice looming over the dilapidated main street that Snowydale’s ill-tempered rulers called home, then squared her shoulders and made one last dash, getting slightly soaked on her way to one of the few remaining thriving businesses.

Despite the malaise that hung over the whole town, and had done since the Legion’s rise, she was managing to feel a sense of optimism today: after eking out a living with such low-paying jobs as the Legion hadn’t already driven out of town for good, and managing to complete her degree despite all the funding cuts Snowydale University was perpetually suffering, she had received the reward she had been working towards all these years, in the form of a job offer from FredCorp. The only real bright spot left in Snowydale, FredCorp’s economical and environmentally friendly products and services, and its many charity schemes, kept the town running despite the Legion’s best efforts to grind it into the ground.

The perky blonde receptionist even managed a genuine smile as Tara crossed the lobby to her gleaming white desk.

“Welcome to FredCorp, I’m Buffy, how can we help you today?”

“I-I’m Tara, Tara Maclay. I have an appointment, about the science position?” Buffy glanced at the letter she was holding out and nodded.

“Head on up to the sixty-ninth floor,” she said, indicating the elevators. “Ms. Burkle will meet you there for your interview.”

“Thank you- Ms. Burkle?” Tara paused. “Herself?”

“She’s a great boss,” Buffy said, with a reassuring smile. “She likes to meet everyone. I’ll let her know you’re here.”

“Wow. Thank you.”


The elevator whisked Tara up floor after floor with impressive speed, offering as it did a view of the building’s central light well, with people going about their various kinds of work behind the windows of each level. Desks were decorated with cherished photos and children’s drawings and little toys and gadgets, so unlike the impersonal office cubicles the Legion insisted were better for business. Employees were talking with one another, without stern-faced overseers ensuring ‘productive silence’. Even the elevator was missing the mind-destroyingly awful tinned music. For the first time in a long time, Tara found herself glad she had stayed in Snowydale, rather than moved away as so many others had when the Legion took over.

In a matter of moments the doors opened and Tara found herself in a brightly lit science centre, fully furnished with expensive computers, electronic whiteboards, drafting tables, workbenches, an array of robotics and other electronic paraphernalia - everything, in fact, except scientists. Tara was peering around in mild confusion when another elevator arrived behind her, bringing with it a petite brunette with a seemingly perpetual grin.

“Ms. Maclay?” she asked, holding out her hand.

“Yes - hello!” Tara said, stunned despite Buffy’s warning at actually being face to face with the billionaire CEO of FredCorp. “Ms. Burkle, hi. Um, thank you, for this opportunity, really...” She swallowed as her tongue got slightly tied.

“Call me Fred,” the CEO replied.

“Uh... Tara,” Tara smiled.

“So how do you like Science Central?” Fred asked, looking around.

“It’s, amazing... very impressive. It’s all,” Tara hesitated, then went on. “It’s a lot more, uh, practical engineering than I’m used to.” She ventured a questioning look at Fred. “I studied more in the humanities area than technical sciences.”

“Yep, we’ve got our hardware gal already,” Fred nodded. “I think she’d be in the materials processing lab this time of morning, it’s just through that door. I hired you specially for a project I’ve been running in... well let’s say in the background of FredCorp, in parallel with all the practical stuff. Your thesis sounded like just what I need for it. ‘The Missing Love’?”

“Uh, y-yes,” Tara nodded shyly. “That actually came out of a combination of behavioural studies and history, to begin with. The idea that there’s an unknown element missing from the world.”

“We’ve been pursuing the same line of thinking here,” Fred agreed. “The anomalies. The L Word ran for six seasons, but nobody knows what ‘the L word’ is. All that fan fiction exploring Xena and Gabrielle’s friendship, even though the tv show covered everything. Things don’t add up.”

“It goes back even further,” Tara said, gaining confidence as the conversation went on. “Thousands of years. Have you ever read Sappho?”

“The poet?”

“A lot of her poems peter out after a couple of lines with just ‘I don’t know, whatever’. In ancient Greek, of course. But they’re compelling, somehow. They feel like they have meaning even though there’s... nothing actually there. And... people, in general, aren’t...”

“Aren’t as happy as it seems like they should be?” Fred finished for her.

“I actually... well,” Tara hesitated awkwardly. “I found what I think might be a clue in the study o-of male homosexuality.”

“I don’t mind a bit of yaoi myself,” Fred grinned.

“Uh no, that’s not...” Tara shook her head. “Not that I mind, but I meant, from a science angle. See,” she picked up an electronic marker and started drawing on one of the whiteboards. “Hot gay love leads to superpowers.”

“Known fact,” Fred agreed.

“While intolerance, petty-mindedness, and xenophobia lead to villain powers,” Tara went on.

“The Legion of Impractical Malice,” Fred grimaced.

“This era’s example, yes. Nature trends towards balance, but these powers are out of balance - there’s too much villain power. My theory is that this, this missing factor is a... another kind of love.”

Another kind?” a voice asked, startling them. They spun around to see a redhead standing in the doorway, staring rapt at Tara’s sketched diagram.

“How long’ve you been there?” Fred asked, laughing lightly. “Tara, meet Willow Rosenberg, our resident omniscientist, and the genius behind all the gadgets I use for... extreme sports? I like extreme sports, yes. Base-kayaking, and stuff.”

“Hi, I, sorry,” Willow said, hurrying forward. “Hi I’m Willow... wait you just got told that. Hi.” She thrust out a hand, which Tara gingerly took, and for some reason held. “Sorry I didn’t mean to, to be all sneaky, I just came in while you were talking and, and what you were explaining...”

“Willow’s been working on the same problem,” Fred explained.

“You were saying, another kind of love?” Willow asked Tara, finally and reluctantly releasing her hand to gesture to the board.

“Uhh, y-yes,” Tara nodded. “Yes... You see, hot gay love arises in men, not women, but from all the research I’ve done on psychology and behaviour, men and women aren’t that different. And I did a lot of calculations-”

“I adore calculations,” Willow murmured, entranced.

“-and the relation of superpowers to villain powers, globally, is around 50%. But not exactly - the actual number is 50.248756%, which is...” She paused as she wrote the number on the board.

“-the worldwide percentage of males versus females,” Willow realised.

“Allowing equal room for intersex individuals, yes,” Tara nodded, writing faster in excitement. “Perfect balance would be achieved if there were female superpowers,” she went on, speaking and writing at the same time, “arising from this theoretical missing kind of love, and the absence of that love from the world, weakens all the other kinds of love.”

“Because love leads to love,” Willow agreed, “and ignoring or denying one kind of love harms all kinds.”

“So there’s... this,” Tara finished, drawing arrows from all the various factors she had written on the board, converging on a large question mark. “Our mystery love.”

“Equivalent to male hot gay love, but expressed via women,” Willow said thoughtfully.

“Ms. Burkle?” Fred’s watch said abruptly, startling her.

“Sorry, I gotta take this,” the CEO said. “Yes Buffy?”

“Security cameras show Mr. Broodypants approaching the building.

Ugh. Ladies, stay here,” Fred said apologetically. “I’ll go... deal with this. Don’t worry, we’re perfectly safe from the Legion. Keep theorising, you look like you’re really making a connection.”

“A member of the Legion?” Tara asked nervously, as Fred bounded into an emergency elevator that shot towards the top floor.

“It’s okay,” Willow assured her. “It actually happens all the time, they hate all the good wholesome work we do here.”

“But what can Ms. Burkle do to stop them?”

“Oh she’s... got a, a friend,” Willow said. “A friend who, you know, knows someone, and they know how to get in touch with you-know-who, and it’s totally not any kind of direct connection, but FredCorp is absolutely safe from the Legion. Do you want a coffee? I’ll get you a coffee, the coffee machine does mochas and I know what you’re thinking, ‘coffee from a machine, yuck’, but it’s a brilliant machine and, hang on I’ll get us both coffees.”

“Uh, thanks,” Tara said, watching Willow scurry across towards the high-tech gizmo in the corner of the lab which, it seemed, was a coffee machine as promised. After a lingering look straying down Willow’s back towards her bottom, which Tara was confused at but found oddly compelling, she turned back to the whiteboard.

“Hot gay love equivalent,” she mused, standing in front of the giant question mark and adding in more notes and arrows pointing to it. “Some kind of... female hot gay love. How could that work? What would a woman... what would I... how would I love another...”

Coffees in hand, Willow took a deep breath to calm her racing heart, which she had no idea the cause of since she hadn’t been exerting herself, but in some strange way was enjoying, and turned back - to see Tara, looking over her shoulder, coincidentally at the midst of all the arrows she had drawn, and beneath an underlined heading reading ‘HOT GAY WOMAN LOVE’. She didn’t even notice her hands dropping the coffees.


Back in the building’s lobby Buffy looked up as the main doors opened again, frowning as a long black coat walked in, containing a pale-faced man who struck a melodramatic pose at her, while the points of his hair sliced through the overhead beam of the metal detector.

“Princess Repression!” he proclaimed, hand outstretched towards Buffy.


“You shall be mine!”

“Uh, pass.”

Mr. Broodypants took another step forward and re-struck his pose, but whatever he was about to say was interrupted by the rapid opening of the lobby’s Emergency Vehicle Ingress Doors - which Ms. Burkle had insisted the building have, just in case a superhero needed to arrive in a hurry, not that she would know anything about the habits of superheroes she had hastened to add - through which a dazzling black and pink roadster with a fairy wings motif roared, skidding to a halt sideways to shield the reception desk. Out of it leapt a figure in a likewise black and pink tactical bodysuit (including tactical glittering cape) who flung a star-tipped boomerang at Mr. Broodypants’s face, sending him reeling back into the street. The masked Adorable Avenger glanced back at Buffy, who was pumping a fist in the air and cheering.

“Y’all stay inside,” she advised. “Just gotta take out some trash.”

“Who the heck are you?” Mr. Broodypants demanded, getting back to his feet as his newfound nemesis emerged from the building and closed in on him.

“How hard did that Cutearang hit you?” she wondered, producing another one from her utility belt. “Anyone else around here who drives a Cutemobile and kicks the Legion of Impractical Malice’s butts?” Mr. Broodypants lunged at her, only to find himself solidly roundhouse-kicked across the street.

“Hey Jonathan,” he said into his phone, once his downward trajectory had terminated in a pile of trash bags. “I thought you said there wouldn’t be any Special Friends in this reality? ... Well there’s a superhero here! ... Yes! ... Shut up, send the Bizarros- what do you mean, they say they don’t exist? Look just get your butts down here and help me! ...and bring hairspray!”

“Now how’s about you scurry on back to your crappy headquarters?” Miss Cute demanded, hands on hips.

“Not without Princess Repression!”

“Princess who now? Look, count of three, then I start using gadget-weapons on you just to see what sound they make when they hit you. I’ve got a bunch of new ones since our last fight.”

“We’ve fought before?”

“You try to kidnap my- I mean, FredCorp’s receptionist every week! Usually you can remember her actual name though. This is a new low even for you.” She looked down the street as the Legion’s expensive yet somehow still tacky Mobile Malice Van swerved into view and bore down on her.

“Can’t even fight your own fights now?” she scoffed at Mr. Broodypants, who had found a dustbin lid to hide behind. “Fine, let’s throw down!”

“What the heck’s going on here?” Warren demanded, lumbering out of the van in the Techno-negging Battlesuit he was rather pleased to discover he had invented several years ago in the current version of history. “Mr. Broodypants, you said you’d be able to handle this on your own. And who are you?”

“Gawd, what’s with y’all today?” She gripped a Cutearang in each hand and spread her cape as menacingly as an adorable vigilante in pink possibly could. “I am affection. I am prom night. I am Miss Cute!


Tara had hurried over to help Willow pick up the fallen coffee cups, but the moment their eyes had met their hands had stilled, and they stayed motionless, crouched down in front of one another, bare inches apart, and completely oblivious to the distant sounds of battle from street level.

“W-what do you see?” Tara whispered; there was a fire in Willow’s eyes she didn’t understand, but which she would somehow do anything rather than turn away from.

“The... the one thing, missing from the world,” Willow said in a hushed voice. She shifted closer, her eyes flicking down to Tara’s open lips, then back to her eyes.

“Is it... possible?” Tara asked, raising a trembling hand to touch Willow’s cheek. Neither of them noticed in the slightest that the laboratory around them was starting to distort, curving like an image in a fairground mirror.

“Hot gay love,” Willow breathed.

“You... and me...?”


Tara gulped, bit her lip, and then slid her hand down, around the back of Willow’s neck to hold her firmly.

“...yes,” she murmured.

“Do, do you want to-”

“I said yes,” she interrupted, leaning forward. Willow moved too, and as their lips met the fabric of reality around them bent so far it opened at the seams, spilling out a brilliant pure white light that washed over them-


“...great, the fire’s gone out,” Amy complained, as she and the remnants of the Legion sat huddled beneath the debris in their swamp.

“No world made of frogs,” Bizarro-Willow said forlornly.

“I hate our lives,” Jonathan concluded glumly.

“Situation is optimal,” Bizarro-Tara nodded, stroking Bizarro-Willow’s back to assuage her frog-related disappointment.

“You’re opposite Wonder Lesbians,” Warren complained. “Shouldn’t you like us?” The Bizarros looked at each other, then shook their heads.

“Not even Bizarro World that bizarre.”


“...and then we kissed, and everything went back to normal,” Willow finished explaining to the assembled heroes in the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, while Tara helpfully drew a timeline diagram on the wall to help Cowboy Guy, who had a short attention span for science fiction.

“I confess I don’t remember anything of this alternate reality,” Captain Tea Cosy shook his head, “but your word is above reproach, Wonder Lesbians. Our memories must have been rewritten along with the rest of the world, leaving us unaware even of the existence of this tragically non-Sapphic timeline.”

“Hot receptionist though, that’s good for some roleplay,” Overt Sexuality Gal leered at Princess Repression.

“Do you know,” she asked the Wonder Lesbians, half-heartedly fending off the hand on her thigh, “why you can remember what happened, when we can’t?”

“I have a theory,” Willow offered. “Being the epicentre of the lesbianological event that caused the paradox within the alternate timeline and collapsed it, we may have been shielded from the effects of the temporal transition?”

“On the other hand, do you birds ever notice the rest of reality when you’re kissing?” Nancy Gym Bunny asked.

“He has a point,” Tara smiled at Willow, who nodded her agreement.

“Either way, there was a good twenty minutes or so of reality where we weren’t lovers,” she said, “so I feel like that needs to be solidly refuted. If you guys will excuse us?”

“Call the Rainbow Phone of Integrity if you need us!” Tara called over her shoulder as she and Willow more or less dragged each other out of the room.

And so as the Wonder Lesbians made their way to the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, and the other Special Friends devoted their attention to various special activities, Snowydale once more rested content, its citizens unaware of the heinously lesbianless reality that had briefly existed, going about their citizen-like business under the protection of the Gay Guardians... and the watchful figure perched cutely on the roof of FredCorp tower.


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

Last edited by Artemis on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 10:07 pm 
9. Gay Now
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Topics: 14
Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...
Ok. I giggled.


I thought for a moment the cute pink ranger was like, bizarro Faith or something.
But it seems not.

So who is the Adorable Avenger™?
Do they have a Dawn in this reality?

The plot thickens!

I shall have to tune in next time!

R :flower

“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel

My Story: Coming Home

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2017 9:35 am 
10. Troll Hammer
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Topics: 12
Location: Seattle, WA
Dude... I freaking love the way your brain works.

Not even bizarro world is that bizarre.

Hee hee hee, too right!!


Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2017 7:43 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
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Location: Sydney, Australia
Thanks guys :grin

I did work out a version of this where the non-lesbian members of the Special Friends appeared in the Amyverse - with the change that Faith would be Kinda Overt Sexuality Gal, since she'd only have half her usual amount of lust-for-everyone-based power - but in the end I decided to just have Miss Cute as the sole superhero so as not to have too much going on in scenes that didn't involve Willow and Tara. I got to thinking that perhaps the Wonder Lesbians brought the Special Friends together in the first place, so if they didn't exist, the others never discovered their potential for superheroics even though they would still be gay and fantastic (I kinda wrote myself into a corner there by having the spell be specifically no more lesbians, but I'd already put that in the TV guide ad on one of the She-Ra episodes so I figured I'd stick to it). One of my ideas for future episodes is Origin of the Special Friends, so we may get to see how it all happened.

I haven't figured out exactly how much Miss Cute will feature in future stories - I did initially intend her to just be part of the Amyverse, but changed my mind - but if you're still curious and don't mind possible-spoilers, she is
Fred, with Amyverse Willow kind of in the Lucius Fox role of designing all her crime-fighting gadgets under the guise of 'extreme sports equipment'.

I hadn't really considered a role for Dawn in this setting - but now that you mention it, there does seem to be potential for hilarity in Princess Repression having a little sister, who maybe thinks Overt Sexuality Gal is the coolest and keeps dressing like her, to PR's dismay. Possible material for a future episode too. :laugh

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 8:57 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2580
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Author: Chris Cook
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place.
Also A Note: Since it was implied but never actually stated in episode five: the alien skanks weren't all identical, so Van Buren isn't just 'her' with the name filed off. Just wanted to clarify that. (If you want a mental picture, maybe Vanessa Hudgens; I've been watching Poweless, now sadly cancelled, great fun little show.)
Yet Another Note: I admit there's not actually a lot of story going on in this one, more just throwing random tomfoolery at a wall to see what sticks. But everything's got to have a shared universe nowadays, so here we are. Hope it makes you laugh.


Spin-Off Squad


“Mr. President,” the Secret Service agent announced. “Director Walsh to see you.”

“Mr. President, I’ll come straight to the point,” Maggie Walsh said, taking a seat opposite the Oval Office desk. “What if the Wonder Lesbians decided to come to Washington DC, tear off the roof of this building, and abduct you? Who would stop them?”

She spread several manilla folders on the desk, each stamped ‘top secret’.

“I propose we put together a team of our own. My Initiative has secured a number of assets who we can deploy in situations where conventional forces would be ineffective. The nature of the assets ensures deniability for the administration, and a degree of flexibility in achieving our goals. I’m sure you can see the benefits.”

She paused for a reply, then continued to pause.

“Mr. President?” she prompted eventually.

“You’re saying there’s a problem with the roof?”

“, that was a hypothetical-”

“I build the best roofs.”

“I’m sure that’s the case-”

“Great roofs. Lots of people have said that.”

“Is there somebody else I could talk to?”


“Mr. Chief of Staff, I’ll come straight to the point,” Maggie Walsh said a few minutes later. “What if the-”

“Excuse me ma’am,” an FBI agent interrupted, as two more moved around the desk, handcuffed the chief of staff, and dragged him out of the office. A moment later another official entered the office and took the vacated seat.

“Mr. Deputy Chief of Staff-” Maggie began again.

“Excuse me ma’am,” another FBI agent announced himself.


“Mr. Secretary, I’ll-”

A ringing phone interrupted Maggie.

“Excuse me, I have to take this, it might be new orders,” the secretary said apologetically, picking up the receiver. “Da?”


“These are the assets we have in custody,” Maggie explained, some time later, opening the dossiers one by one. “Amy, a.k.a. The Scarlet Bitch, a reality warper, or at least that’s what she keeps telling everyone. Van Buren, an artificially-engineered skank, the only one of her kind left after a failed alien invasion. Lilah Morgan, Lawninja, hand-to-hand litigation specialist. Marcie Ross, the Invisible Girl, completely undetectable. And the Bizarro Wonder Lesbians - they’re basically all-powerful, if they ever feel like using their powers. They broke into our prison and announced we’d conscripted them because... actually I’m not sure anybody’s figured out their logic yet. The point is, I think we can use these bad or in some cases just weird people to do some good. All we need is your authorisation.”

She shoved a form across the counter, along with a pen, and stared imploringly.

“Uh, this is a Starbucks,” the barista said nervously. “I can get you a coffee, if you want...?”

Look,” Maggie growled, “I’ve been going from building to building all night and you are literally the closest person to the Oval Office who’s not a disaster. Just please authorise my proposal.”

“The White House is seventeen miles away...”

I know.

“Can you buy a coffee? I can’t really do anything unless you buy a coffee.”

“I will buy a coffee.”

“Um, then, okay?”


The next day, a group of assorted oddballs were assembled in the workout yard of the Initiative’s Generic Ultra Secret Prison (4000 Warner Blvd, Burbank CA, buses every 14 minutes, turn right off Sth Hollywood Wy), under the watchful eye of a handsome and certainly not poorly-exercised man who seemed to have taken wardrobe inspiration from every 80’s Arnold Schwarzenegger action film.

“Alright listen up!” he yelled, flexing his shoulders and causing several pouches to spring off the various belts slung about his torso. “My codename is Gunn Show! I will be leading you people in elite commando operations! Also auto repair, if any of you are interested. Questions?”

“Question!” Bizarro Willow piped up, from Bizarro Tara’s lap. “Is auto repair process of repairing autos, or repairs that conduct selves without outside intervention?”

“Uh, the former.”

“Second question! If it was second option, what is point of conducting repairs that conduct selves?”

“Any other questions?”

“Does it count as other question if I ask same question as Bizarro Beloved?” Bizarro Tara asked.

“Okay you know what, no more questions!”

“Can we get special costumes?” Van Buren asked. “I’m wearing way too much.”

“No you’re not,” Gunn said, frowning at the handful of ragged strips the alien skank had already reduced her prison overalls to. “Also no, elite commando squads don’t just wear-”

He yelped in alarm as Bizarro Tara flew past him like a rocket, smashing a hole in the prison wall, and adding a second one beside it a moment later when she returned and dumped an assortment of sleazy stripper-wear in Van Buren’s arms.

“You know she wants to seduce your girlfriend, right?” Amy asked Bizarro Tara, while Van Buren began sorting through her new wardrobe in search of the lowest common denominator. “Or her twin, anyway.”

“This is discouraging her,” Bizarro Tara pointed out in a reasonable tone of voice, while Van Buren craned her neck over her shoulder to ensure both the top and bottom of her ass crack was visible above and below her ‘skirt’..

“Are you people done making fools of yourselves?” Gunn shouted.

“Entirely, or just for the moment?” Lilah asked from directly behind his back.

“Gah! God, woman, don’t do that!”

“I’m a ninja, gotta ninje,” she said airily, sauntering across to the rest of the team. “Also calling me ‘woman’ is disrespectful, I’m going to have to serve papers.”

“Don’t you dare- what the...?” Gunn broke off, as he discovered the hand he had been meaning to point at her was holding a court summons.


“Who is new team member?” Bizarro Willow asked, looking at the reinforced steel crate that was standing in the middle of the exercise yard with them.

“Crate Woman,” Bizarro Tara concluded. “What are Crate Woman’s powers?”

“She’s inside the crate,” Gunn growled.

“Ah,” Bizarro Tara nodded sagely. “Crate Woman’s daughter is new superhero.”

“Crate Woman must be very proud,” Bizarro Willow agreed.

“Just open the damn crate,” Gunn muttered.

“Miracle of birth happens differently on this world,” Bizarro Willow observed, as soldiers with crowbars began unsealing the front.

“This is Marcie,” Gunn said, as the crate swung open to reveal itself apparently empty. “She’s completely invisible across the entire EM spectrum, making her the perfect stealth operative. And we’re going to need stealth where we’re going.”

“Dramatic pause,” Lilah whispered into his ear.

“Ah! Stop doing that!”

“Hostile work environment...”

“We’re going,” Gunn went on, ignoring the origami shuriken subpoena sticking into his bandolier, “to infiltrate the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality.”


“Why are we doing this again?” Amy invited exposition, as the team skulked through the meeting room of the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, currently deserted; with Snowydale currently un-menaced by supervillains, the various Gay Guardians seemed to have taken the night off.

“Director Walsh wants us to retrieve an item from the Wonder Lesbians’ laboratory,” Gunn whispered.

“What is item?” Bizarro Tara asked at full volume.

“Be stealthy!

“On Bizarro World-”

“Okay just forget it! We’re looking for a supercomputer called the...” He paused to consult his orders. “...Wonder Lesbian Analyser. The Director needs its sapphic syntax processor.”

“We have Bizarro Wonder Lesbian De-Analyser in home dimension,” Bizarro Willow said proudly.

“Just, what?” Amy asked.

“Makes lesbians more confusing,” Bizarro Tara explained. “But not work on lesbians, only straight women like us.”

“Why are we wearing these?” Lilah asked, before anyone could follow up and kick off another round of ‘on Bizarro world’. She poked at the metal scarab-like device that had been stuck to the front of her law-gi and resisted all efforts to be removed.

“They’re transmitting all your biosignals back to base,” Gunn said.

“Sounds very innocent,” Bizarro Willow muttered darkly.

“Quiet, someone’s coming!” Lilah shushed the group, who all crowded into a shadowy alcove as footsteps neared.

“...once I’ve got a good grip on my Cattle Prod of Truth, it’s game over, partner,” Cowboy Guy said as he and Nancy Gym Bunny rounded the corner. “Both hands, naturally.”

“Oh, of course mate,” Nancy Gym Bunny replied. “But you’re leavin’ yourself vulnerable to a swift kick in the cowbells. Now, me Barbells of Manliness, they’re wily buggers, can swing whichever way I need...”

“That was too close,” Gunn whispered as the muscled duo disappeared towards the super-team’s Gym of Exhibitionistic Exertion. “Marcie - bring up the rear, make sure they don’t double around and come back. Everyone else, stay close. Van Buren, you’ve been here before, which way?”

“Uh actually, I was kind of upside-down from a lasso that time,” the skank admitted sheepishly. “Didn’t get a great sense of the layout.”

“Could you not have mentioned that before now?” Lilah hissed, drawing on her zen training to hiss without needing esses.

“I’m not proud of it, okay?”

“This way is wrong way,” Bizarro Tara offered, indicating a corridor.

“Is that... what level of double-negatives is she operating on at the moment?” Amy wondered.

“Sweetie is most negative person ever,” Bizarro Willow said adoringly.

“Hell with it,” Gunn muttered. “Let’s just go.”

The team crept onwards, skulking carefully past the open door of Captain Tea Cosy’s Library of Liberty, where the champion of courtesy was busy ironing his collection of tweed suits.

“Don’t you guys miss Bizarro World?” Lilah wondered as they moved on.

“Sometimes,” Bizarro Tara said with a shrug. “But is nice to be unwelcome here.”

“On Bizarro World, still long way to go before marriage inequality is recognised everywhere,” Bizarro Willow explained.

“That makes a distressing amount of bizarro sense...”

“Can you do a silence spell, or something?” Gunn snapped at Amy.

“Sure if you want,” the self-proclaimed witch shrugged, producing her phone. “Okay lesse... I need help from six online friends to start work on a silence spell, can I friend you all and send requests? Marcie! I’m sending a friend request, okay?

“Quiet!” Gunn wailed.

“I haven’t cast the spell yet!”

Fortunately their latest nascent argument was drowned out almost immediately by a blast of hip-grindy heavy metal from a nearby suite. Gunn shook his head in despair and waved the team onward, past what proved to be Overt Sexuality Gal’s Wholesome Depravity Dorm, where she was starting her nightly poledancing workout while Princess Repression tried to write her master’s thesis in the history of resisting impure thoughts, with difficulty.

“You sure you don’t wanna join in, babe?”

“I’m not interested in displays like that,” the blonde protested, pulling a textbook onto her lap to conceal the hand sneaking under her skirt.

“I, uh, I think,” Van Buren whispered hesitantly to herself, “Overt Sexuality Gal... is kind of... sexually... interesting.” She let out a relieved sigh.

“You don’t sound convinced,” Lilah noted.

“I’m trying to develop a legitimate personality of my own,” Van Buren said. “It’s not easy, my creator engineered me solely to steal Tara’s girlfriend.”

“Well, baby steps I guess.”

“Is this the right room?” Gunn whispered.

“Uh, maybe, yeah I guess,” the skank shrugged.

“Okay, everybody inside, Marcie, guard the door.” The team crowded into the quite cramped darkened room, while Gunn wrestled Amy’s phone away from her and used it as a flashlight to examine the various bulky machines around them.

“One of these has to be the tolerance core...”

“You know, this doesn’t look a lot like the laboratory I was in,” Van Buren pondered.

“ the diversity arrays are somewhere in this...”

“I think I just trod on someone’s sock,” Amy complained.

“ the sapphic syntax processor must be in here!” Gunn concluded triumphantly, swinging open a hatch that dumped a load of clothes onto his head. Lilah sighed and flipped on the light switch.

“We’re in the laundry.”

“God dammit,” Gunn muttered, shaking a tweed posing pouch off his head. “Van Buren, where’s... Van Buren?”

Bizarro Tara knelt down beside the alien skank, who was curled up in a ball and staring in mixed awe and horror at a stylish and extremely see-through g-string that had fallen next to her, muttering “...must not break up canon couples... must not break up canon couples...”

“I think she is perfectly okay,” Bizarro Tara frowned, as Van Buren began to radiate tendrils of alien energy. The lighting in the room switched to red and a computerised voice emanated from the walls: “Warning. Breach of Kitten Protocol detected.”

“Marcie, contact the Director, we need a fix for this!” Gunn insisted.

“Uh, uh, women with, dark hair,” Van Buren muttered frantically, trying to distract herself. “And uh, very tall, uh, and sparing with words...”

“Marcie! Damn it, are you there?”

“So hey, just putting this out there,” Lilah said. “How do you know she was ever there?”

“She’s been with us since we all assembled at the Generic Ultra Secret Prison!”

“Crate Woman’s daughter is missing?” Bizarro Willow asked worriedly.

“Even if she was in that crate to begin with-”

“Of course she was! You all saw, I mean didn’t see her!”

“-what was it you thought was going to stop her just wandering off on her own whenever she felt like it?”

“She’s wearing a bio-monitor same as all of you!”

“You saw her put one on?”

“Well... I mean... oh god dammit!”

“Hey, we’re supposed to be stealthy,” Amy sniped petulantly.

“...the bleedin’ hell’s going on?” Nancy Gym Bunny’s voice echoed through the corridor outside.

“Abort!” Gunn yelled. “Amy, get us out of here!”

“Fine!” she shouted, snatching back her phone. “Can I share your email address with an advertising partner-”

“Yes! Okay!”

“Don’t have to get all salty about it, jeez,” she muttered, waving her free hand vaguely. “Microtransaction for geomancy, okay... it’s Arctica for north and Antarctica for south, right...?”



“...Arctica does exist on Bizarro World,” Bizarro Willow explained helpfully as the team rematerialised. “But under threat from global cooling as skyrocketing penguin populations push icebergs underwater with cumulative weight...”

“Just tell me we’re still on the same planet,” Gunn whimpered, keeping his eyes closed.

“Mr. Gunn?” Director Walsh asked. He looked around to find they had appeared in the middle of Initiative Headquarters, which seemed to have recently been remodelled with a substantial helping of mad science.

“What the heck is that?” Amy wondered, pointing at a technological cocoon in the middle of the chamber.

“Looks like device designed to draw on readings from bio-monitors during pointless mission in order to create gestalt superpowered monster,” Bizarro Willow mused. “But may be wrong, am not scientist.”

“So sexy when being not smart,” Bizarro Tara purred, hugging her from behind.

“Okay, I know this looks bad,” Walsh said, “but Project Frankenlesbian-”

The cocoon exploded to reveal a ten-foot-tall cyborg women, who roared “Destroy all humans!” and advanced on the team.

“You were saying?” Gunn glared at Walsh.

“I mean honestly I was expecting it to go off the rails around about day three or four,” she admitted.

“We must save weird non-backwards Earth!” Bizarro Tara insisted, grabbing the rest of the team and pulling them into a huddle. “I have plan. Everybody do uncoordinated and pointless actions, now!”

“Wait, what?”

“BIZARRO WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE!” she and Bizarro Willow shouted, rolling onto their backs and touching their feet together in mid-air. “FORM OF A MECHANICAL SQUIRREL!”

“Just attack the thing!” Lilah yelled, producing a handful of non-disclosure sais out of nowhere and hurling them at Frankenlesbian’s head.

“Pay-to-win gravity bomb!” Amy intoned, holding her phone upside-down and accidentally casting a lightning storm that missed its reeling target and hit the cocoon instead.

“Inappropriate advances!” Van Buren shouted, coming out of her self-induced catatonic state and throwing her underwear at the monster’s legs. It tripped as it staggered backwards, toppling back into its cocoon, which closed around it.

“Are we doing plan now?” the Bizarro Squirrel asked. “Yes?” It transformed back into the bewildered Bizarro Wonder Lesbians, who joined the others in peering through the cocoon’s viewport.

“The important thing,” Walsh spoke up, as the entombed monster curled up and went to sleep inside, “is that nobody almost accidentally created a world-ending menace. Are we agreed on that?”

“Of course,” both Bizarros said at once, before anyone else could object.

“Okay, good mission, stand down team,” Walsh went on quickly. “Return to barracks and await new orders - hey come back here!”

“Yeah no,” Lilah said over her shoulder. “You guys wanna knock a wall down so we can escape?”

“No,” Bizarro Tara said in confusion. Lilah blinked, then sighed.

“Can you please not knock a wall down so we can escape? Not escape. However many negatives make you happy.”

“Soo, how are we going to explain this in the report to Washington?” Gunn wondered as he and Walsh watched the team saunter away through the wall Bizarro Willow and Tara demolished for them.

“Um,” the Director muttered, slumping into a chair. “I guess... Do you want a latte? I think if we buy enough coffee it’ll be alright.”


“Extra shot for yours?”


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

Last edited by Artemis on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 7:22 am 
10. Troll Hammer
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Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:49 pm
Posts: 1159
Topics: 12
Location: Seattle, WA
Chris!! This is just what I needed on a Tuesday morning after a long weekend.

I got stares from people on the train, I was giggling so much. WORTH IT.

Your accurate capturing of the state of our current US government was both hilarious and tear-inducing. (Oh, gawd, we're all gonna die...).

Thanks for this awesomely ridiculous short!

More! More!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2017 10:56 pm 
9. Gay Now
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Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2011 7:45 pm
Posts: 919
Topics: 14
Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...

I'm confused.

Was that the plan?
If so: worked great!

“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel

My Story: Coming Home

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2017 2:59 am 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2580
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Thanks guys :grin That was a really random one - to tell the truth, the genesis of it was actually Van Buren, it just strikes me as a funny name, and once I realised that she hadn't been wiped out along with the others (I didn't plan that, it just didn't occur to me while I was writing the Valentine's adventure that she was still being held captive at the end) I started wondering about ways to 'reform' her so she could show up again. At the same time, there was a practical purpose, since I was worried that with all the additions I'd made the Legion was starting to become oversized, so this was an excuse to sideline the Bizarros and Amy. Also I'd been meaning to bring Gunn into the picture somehow for a while, since I have kind of introduced a whole lot of new female characters I thought I should balance the scale. (I did briefly consider him being in the Amyverse, with him and Fred being that reality's resident superheroes, but didn't go through with it.)

Speaking of getting back to basics, I've sketched out a rough plan for the next episode: Secret Origin of the Special Friends! :bounce (It'll have something like a coherent plot in it, I promise.)

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2017 8:51 am 
3. Flaming O
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 6:07 pm
Posts: 78
Topics: 1
Location: Canada
Oh. My. God. Chris.

My sides... they hurt so bad! That was hilarious - your sense of humor tickles me to no end.

Seriously, I love your work. You have imagination for days - weeks, possibly (ions) <-- that was so bad... Edited: Eons! sheesh :blush

Can I siphon your brain? Just a little...


 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 6:01 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2580
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Thanks! :grin Brain-siphoning...? Well, I'm probably not using all of it, so sure, why not - I can always refill the W/T-obsessed parts by staring at the gifs at the bottom of the page here for a while :wtkiss

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

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