Title: Atonement Author: Nightmask Feedback: Go for it! [: Spoilers: nope Setting: AU set in 1935 loosely based upon the plot of the movie Atonement. Tara won't admit yet that she likes Willow. Rating: Mostly PG for the beginning but will probably move into NC-17 Disclaimer: These aren't my characters I just like writing about them Notes: Hello! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Moving back home and having an ill fated crush kind of made me lose the will to write for a while. In better news I got a job! I'm also moving into my own apartment tomorrow, and I feel more confident about writing again so hopefully I'll continue! Thoughts and flashbacks in italics ~
Part Four:
"My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends— It gives a lovely light!"
- First Fig, Edna St. Vincent Millay
Three years ago…
“Oh I’ve f-finally found you!” Tara exclaimed climbing down from her white horse.
Willow stared at the approaching woman from beneath a sea of tall golden grass. The sun was setting behind Tara.
“Riley’s g-gone on ahead in search of your h-horse” Tara explained as she got on her knees before Willow.
Willow’s face was streaked with dirt and tears. Her first time on a horse and of course she had done something wrong. The horse had spooked and bolted over an hour ago tossing it’s rider to the ground and running off into the woods. Riley the stable hand who had accompanied them on their ride had galloped on his horse after Willow’s.
Tara looked desperately into Willow’s eyes searching for the epicenter of Willow’s pain. Her eyes trailed to Willow’s shaking arm and down to her hand that was grasping at her ankle. Tara’s horse nickered gently behind them and pressed his nose to Tara’s shoulder.
“Oh W-Willow, is it your ankle?”
Willow bit her lip and nodded.
Tara’s eyebrows scrunched in deeper worry.
“I need to s-see how b-bad it is, is that okay?”
Willow looked into Tara’s eyes with perfect trust, knowing her friend wouldn’t hurt her and nodded ‘yes’.
Tara gently moved Willow’s shaking hands away from her ankle and tried to assess the situation.
“I… I’m going t-to take off your b-boot. S-stop me if it h-hurts too much” Tara explained.
Willow nodded and wrapped her hands around her thigh in an attempt to keep her leg steady for Tara. Tara unlaced Willow’s dusty boot quickly and loosened the string. She stopped to look up at Willow to see if she should continue. Willow nodded and Tara returned to her task. She held the back of Willow’s calf steady with one hand and with the other hand loosened the heel of Willow’s boot. Willow’s grip on her thigh tightened and her teeth clenched.
“Your ankle is s-swollen. We can keep the b-boot on or t-take it off. Wh-what would you like?”
“Take it off. Please take it off” Willow practically begged.
Tara let out a deep breath of air and tugged hard at the boot until it quickly slid off.
Willow groaned, “Is it… is it broken?”
Tara rolled down Willow’s white sock and took that off as quickly as the boot with notably less resistance. She gently prodded Willow’s pink and swollen ankle.
“No, I-I think it’s just sprained. I don’t w-want you to w-walk on it though. Are you okay riding w-with me b-back up to the m-mansion?”
Willow looked fearfully up at Tara’s white horse, Herald.
Tara sensed Willow’s trepidation, “Herald w-would never hurt you, especially when I’m w-with you. H-He’s a big softy and far t-too gentle to t-toss anyone”.
Willow swallowed and then nodded, “O-Okay”.
Tara gently patted Willow’s arm and then got up to arrange things. She would have to remove the saddle so that Herald could carry them both. Tara went to Herald’s side and lifted up the supple leather part of the saddle revealing the girth buckles. She pulled the straps until they both came undone and then lifted the saddle up off of Herald. Tara deposited the saddle on the grass beside Willow. She would have to send Riley out later to retrieve it for her. Herald gave a deep sigh and swished his tail, happy to be rid of his saddle.
“We’ll h-have to ride b-bareback” Tara stated.
Willow’s eyes widened in fear, but she offered no complaint.
Tara gave a short whistle at Herald and he fell to his knees on his front haunches so that he looked as if he were bowing.
Tara patiently helped Willow so that she could stand and led to her Herald. Without much struggle Willow was able to comfortably sit on Herald’s back. She gripped desperately at the reins, anxious about another horse mishap. Tara finally joined Willow, choosing to sit in front of the red head so that she could more effectively steer Herald. Had it been earlier in the day Tara would have stayed on the ground and walked Herald with Willow on his back, but as it was growing dark she didn’t want to take the chance of falling and hurting herself as well.
“O-Ok ready W-Willow?’ Tara asked.
“Mhmm” Willow replied behind her.
“Y-You s-should hold on to me t-then” Tara advised.
“Oh” Willow replied lamely and wrapped her arms around Tara’s waist so that her palms lay flat against her stomach.
Tara clucked at Herald and he rose at her command and began to walk forward. The sun was falling out of the sky in front of them tinging the world pink. Cold sweat trickled down Willow’s neck as the adrenaline began to dissipate from her bloodstream. Her whole body was shaking, but it was calming down.
“D-Doing okay b-back there?”
“Yes all good” Willow replied back.
The red head sighed as her muscles began to relax again, the pain in her ankle was constant but bearable when undisturbed by movement.
Willow could feel how soft Tara’s stomach was laying flush against her open palms. Willow’s heart began to beat fast and her stomach felt light and fluttery. It was the strangest feeling. Something in her throat began to swell as if she were going to start crying. She didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. She couldn’t help but smile, but her eyes filled with tears. Why did it feel so good and hurt so much to be this close to Tara? She could feel every jostling movement of Tara against her body as the horse they rode kept a steady pace. Willow’s heart hammered harder and she was sure Tara could feel it in her back. Willow couldn’t breathe it was too painful, when finally the realization came to her.
I… I love her…
Present…
Willow could feel her heart pounding violently in her ears as she watched Dawn disappear into the mansion. It was too late. She was too late. She was going to hell for this.
Dawn sped into the mansion grasping Willow’s letter to her chest wondering what secret thing Willow intended to say to Tara that needed to be concealed in an envelope. She stopped in the foyer and turned the sealed envelope over in her hands. She hesitated for a moment and then ripped open the paper, quickly unfolding the note. There in printed word was the strangest thing she had ever read. One word in particular struck her.
Cunt
Dawn was shaking.
Why… did Willow write this? Surely it’s a joke? She looked so serious handing it to me though.
Dawn paused for a moment hearing for the first time a murmuring of voices down the hall.
Donald was home. Distracted momentarily by her big brother’s arrival. Dawn crumpled the torn envelope and stuffed it into her dress pocket, where her notebook resided, and folded the note again before running down the hallway. She burst through the doors running straight for her brother.
“Donald!” she exclaimed.
Without blinking Dawn passed the folded note to Tara. She avoided eye contact with her sister as she ran into her brother’s arms. Donald picked Dawn up and gleefully spun her around.
“Well if it ain’t my little sis!”
Tara smiled at her siblings embrace and then looked curiously down to the note in her hand. She unfolded the note and quickly read it and then re-read it.
“D-D-Dawn D-Did you read t-this l-letter?”
Dawn was too busy chatting aimlessly with Donald to hear Tara.
“D-Dawn?”
Dawn continued to ignore her sister.
“Oh Dawnie! There you are! You must show me to your room. I want to see that new type writer you told me about!” Beth exclaimed emerging from the hallway.
“Oh yes! Let’s!” Dawn agreed walking quickly for the door to join her cousin.
Tara growing more frustrated side stepped Dawn before she could escape.
“Wasn’t there an envelope?” Tara whispered.
Dawn pushed past her without responding and ran off to her room with Beth.
Tara’s face was burning. She knew who wrote this.
Willow was shaking as she approached the front door of the mansion. She could already hear the crickets signaling the night’s beginning. She would walk straight up to Tara and tell her that it was a practical joke. Or that the letter wasn’t even from her. Or maybe Tara hadn’t even received the letter. Willow bit her lip. Of course Tara had received the letter, fate was cruel that way.
Apprehensively Willow rang the door bell feeling all together foolish. The door opened and Tara stood in the doorway, face flush and her eyes downcast and hesitant to reach Willow’s.
She had read the letter.
“It-It was a mistake” Willow glanced up at Tara in fear, perhaps she had deeply offended her.
Maybe Tara hated her now.
“D-Dawn read it” Tara wrung her hands nervously.
“Well I’m so sorry Tara… I… it was the wrong version” Willow looked down at her feet deeply ashamed.
“Yes” Tara agreed with such a gentle air that it made Willow look up again, it felt as if Tara did not in fact hate her.
“It was never meant to be read”
“No” Tara agreed again.
Willow nodded her head, still nervous but relieved that Tara was not shouting at her or casting angry looks her way. Instead the woman in the doorway turned and began to walk back into the house. Willow felt the strange sense that Tara wanted her to follow so she did.
Tara led them down the hall and past the foyer into the library. She obviously wanted to talk then and in private so Willow shut the door behind them and continued on into the darkened room. Tara stopped behind a work desk and clicked on the lamp. She turned to face Willow.
“W-What was in the version I was m-meant to read?”
Willow swallowed, “I-I don’t know… it was more formal… less uh…”
“A-Anatomical?” Tara offered.
“Yes” Willow nodded, she dared then to stare into Tara’s eyes to try and decipher what was going through her mind.
The red headed studied the beautiful woman in front of her, her form sculpted in the soft light of the desk lamp.
Tara shyly gazed at Willow too and then dropped her eyes again blushing, “It-It’s been there for w-weeks, and then this m-morning by the f-fountain…”
Willow was looking at her again with those eyes, the ones that would not look away. Tara felt naked standing there, interrogating the gardener.
Willow was quiet so Tara continued, “I’ve never… d-done anything like that before…” she turned away from Willow and wrapped her arms around herself.
“I was s-so angry… w-with you, and… w-with m-myself”
Willow stepped closer to Tara’s retreating form wanting to reach out, but she couldn’t.
“I t-thought if you w-went away to m-medical school, then I-I’d be h-happy, but…”
Tara turned her head then to look at Willow through her peripheral vision.
“I don’t know how I-I could have b-been so ignorant about m-myself, so…”
Willow carefully approached Tara as she turned to face the red head. Tara was crying. Willow opened her mouth wanting to say so many things, to ask if she truly understood what Tara was trying to say to her.
Why is she crying? Have I wounded her so much with this letter?
“So s-stupid” Tara quietly remarked, she looked afraid to meet Willow’s eyes.
She began to back away from Willow, cowering further against the bookcase.
“You d-do know w-what I’m talking about, don’t you?” she whispered.
She was looking up at Willow now, tears threatening to spill over, “You knew b-before I did”.
“Why are you crying?” Willow whispered, she took a step forward.
Tara shook her head and gave a weak laugh, her voice breaking as she answered, “d-don’t you know why?”
“Yes, I know exactly” and Willow closed the distance between them.
Tara’s breath was shallow and hitched at Willow’s closeness. Tara stared longingly into Willow’s eyes, but the red head was trembling now.
“H-How long have you k-known?” Tara gently asked, she brought her hand up to Willow’s cheek willing the other woman to meet her gaze and stay there.
“I- I… three.. three years”, Willow was shaking.
“W-What’s wrong?” Tara asked worried she had done something.
“I… It’s… It’s just how do I know this is real? You like boys and I-I’m just a freak or… or something. This isn’t possible. I mean things like this don’t come true…” Willow stumbled over her words trying to explain the confusion and fear she had known since discovering who she was and what that meant.
“The p-possibility that I f-feel the s-same is so impossible for you?” Tara asked gently, there was no judgement in her voice, no fear, and no anger.
Willow’s eyes began to sting, her mouth opened and closed trying to grab at the words she needed, “do you? I mean… do you… feel the same?”
Tara smiled at the woman before her and combed her hand through Willow’s short hair “I do”.
They held each other’s gazes for a long time. Tara ran her hand through Willow’s hair, trying to calm the woman. They both wiped at their own tears.
“So you don’t hate me?”
Tara was stung by this, she never wanted to make Willow think she hated her.
“N-Never I swear” Tara responded with urgency.
Willow still looked unsure, so Tara did the one thing she had been secretly dreaming of for months. She leaned in and kissed the woman she was desperately in love with.
Willow’s lips were soft against her own and shy at first, not fully registering what was happening. Tara lingered there, holding on as long as time would let her. Willow with much uncertainty returned Tara’s kiss, slowly wrapping her arms around Tara's waist. Tara sighed breaking the kiss as she held Willow close to her.
“W-Will you t-tell me w-what else you do in your dreams?” Tara whispered against Willow’s ear.
Willow shivered against Tara’s embrace.
_________________ "be nor ret n'Khan, tizmar sae? Please stay beyond the cruel dawn"- Chris Anne Wolfe, Shadows of Aggar
"In the pale light of the moon, I play the game of you"- Neil Gaiman, Sandman
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