The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Willow vs Evil Dead
PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2016 5:23 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe
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• Title – Willow vs Evil Dead
• Author name – Zemfira
• Rating - NC-17
• Disclaimer - Willow is missing one of her Willowhands. Slapstick splatter ultraviolence, geysers of blood and other ridiculous 80s movie ultraviolence, strong language, terrible terrible humor, that inevitable smut that comes around in every fanfiction known to man
• Feedback- God yes, geysers of feedback.
• Summary- Basically, no vampires or supernatural creatures run rampant normally. Book of the dead however exists and can unleash the sickest of Lovecraftian monsters onto the world. After letting Anya around her house in drunken celebration, Anya accidentally reads from the Necronomicon. The book of the dead. Unknowingly, she summons the forces of darkness into the world. Willow, being the only one who has ever fought the forces of darkness and survived is tasked unwillingly with the job of saving the world by telling terrible jokes.

• Notes- All characters, themes, items, references and pretty much everything in this story belongs to their respective owners. Please don't take me seriously, they gave a monkey a typewriter and gorramit if I'm not going to write the finest Shakespeare the 'verse has ever seen. I tend to ramble, end me.


Chapter One – Magic Box


Portland, Oregon 2003 - Four years after Graduation Day


A thick heavy blanket of heat pulled the city of Portland into a sluggish routine of suncream and loose clothing along with a various assortment of air conditionings and fans. People commuted their way to work as a small little voice in their radio box told them unimportant while in an inner city apartment Willow Rosenberg awakes with a startle on her floor.

Willow's flicker open slowly, her copper hair obscuring her vision. Her cheek felt wet. She jolts onto her knees, holding her hair out of her eyes with her hand as she looks around. Potato chips splattered the floor, clinging to her strawberry themed pajamas and the side of her cheek. Fortunately, there was a significant lack of alcohol.

Oh God, Willow.. What did you do?

She then saw it, taunting her with it's shininess. In plain sight, beside the television. It seared her vision, like Burt Reynolds naked on a bear rug centerfold.

God no. No you didn't.

The complete box set of Seinfeld lay on the floor, opened with it's filthy discs polluting the floor. The empty bottles of Sunny D and boxes of fig rolls once again confirmed her suspicions. She'd tried to pull an all-nighter watching Seinfeld.

Willow, you blithering imbecile. And on a work day? What time is it anyway?

She stumbled up to her feet, dragging herself over to her bed and looking at the clock. Nine-fifteen.

"Ahhhhh... Sug-… Shit."


****


Willow boots open her apartment door: pulling her Magic Box red jacket over her navy denim shirt and handbag that dangled around her neck, her belt that kept her brown trousers from falling down to her ankles is loosely fastened. Fuzzy pink socks slip into black hiking shoes as she stumbles her way down the corridor before practically falling down the three flights of stairs. Getting dressed was difficult under stress and when you only have a singular hand. Her right stump was another grim reminder of her time in Sunnydale.

Just get out of the building you doofus!

Exhausted and messily dressed she barges through the front door of the apartment block, looking in relief at the parked 1973 Oldsworth Delta 88. Her loyal companion after the horrific events at Sunnydale four years earlier.

No narrator slash third person myself! Go back to the car!

The Delta was painted in a pale yellow and had seen many things, she'd bought it from some crazy man on the road to Portland. He'd had a weird name.

Alice? Ainsley? Alfie? No it was definitely a girls name.

Beside the point, this car had been with her for her entire adult life and was her pride and joy. No car could ever match her old Oldy. Or Delly. Or whatever nickname she decided suited the occasion, her mind flurried between affectionate nicknames. It was qui-

Not the time for internal monologue, Will.

She fumbles through her handbag before pulling out her car keys, a very broody Muppet-esque figure in a cute leather coat hung from it. She slots the key into the car door and twists it, pulling the car door open quickly before diving into the driver's seat. She quickly grabs her wooden fake hand off the dashboard and screws it onto her right stump. She yanks the door closed, plunging the keys into the engine and slams her foot down on the pedal and screeching her way out of her parking space down the street.


****


Willow patrols the car park, looking for a free parking space as she breathes heavily. She checks her drivers mirror, combing her hair out of her eyes and the potato chips out of her hair with her fingers then fastening her belt up properly and heading out of her car and into the Portland branch of the Magic Box.

All of the Magic Boxes around the country had the exact same interior as the one Willow had once entered in Sunnydale and sold the exact same faux mystical merchandise with the exception of the large original store in Las Vegas which was like a small shopping mall of good gauche gear for good gullible people.

The magic box wasn’t exactly a high-paying job and it wasn't exactly the most exciting job as far as jobs go, it was simple and it brought from time to time funny experiences when meeting some of the strangest characters. And some of the strangest people at the shop were definitely not just the shoppers but the employees.

Anya Jenkins represented the lengths one could go to find their true selves. Anya had told Willow that in 2001 she had woken up in a cabinet in an abandoned warehouse with no memories of who she was or where she was. She found a fifty cents and a Vons club card in her brassiere and believed she had been kidnapped by the government and experimented on. Filled with paranoia and embalmed in conspiracy theories she signed up for a job at the Magic Box in hope to research ways to stop the government from doing worse things to her mind. She roomed with an overly British man with platinum blonde hair whose name she swore was Simon and that he wasn't actually British. She saved up and bought herself a silver trailer which took up four disabled parking spaces outside the Magic Box.

"Willow! You're an.. Hour and a half late, you know I can only cover for you for up to an hour and a quarter." Anya folded her arms in disappointment: dressing in an all black outfit consisting of a beret, a turtleneck and a pair of circular sunglasses.

Willow sighs softly as she groans loudly, looking up to the clock on the wall that reads Ten o'clock. "Sorry.. I just.. I mean, the manager will be okay right..? I mean, I'm a loyal hardworking sonofagun whose been here for four years. I'm a senior staff member. Mainly because y'know. Half the people who work here are weirdos like ourselves or young kids trying to seem cool n' hip."

Anya just stares at her, at least Willow assumed she was staring. The circular sunglasses were like staring into a black void of conspiracy and a desire for money and could probably blot out the sun if its power was harnessed correctly. "No but seriously, the boss is pretty pissed. We got a new employee today, this girl I talk to at the grocery store. She actually listens to my theories!"

Willow smirks, if one could put with Anya then they either had Shaolin monk level patience or an incredibly high mental pain threshold "Well she's either incredibly stupid or just incredibly polite. Where is she?"

Anya points over to the circular table in the center of the shop where they sat around and procrastinated day-in-day-out. However, their sanctuary of slacking seemed to have been penetrated by some form of-

Oh my.

On the table sat a woman like no other, whose silky blonde hair hung in a loose ponytail while strands hung limply across her gentle pale face. Bright blue eyes sparkled brightly under the dim yellow light that shone through the red lampshade. She had a curious yet knowing expression, one of caring and understanding. Willow's eyes moved down, onto the more …. womanly ...aspects of the new employee while her mouth retains a perfect 'O' shape.

Anya whispers into her ear "Willow, Dorothy can see your ladyboner from not in Kansas anymore dot com."

Merciful not your lord cos' you're Jewish Christ, get some common decency and stop staring at her... And her.. Starable places.

Willow remains static for a moment, gripping her arm with her still functioning Willow hand and turning around quickly. She then turns to Anya, in a weak whine "Just tell me I wasn't drooling."

Anya smirks, elbowing her "Her names Tara and as far as I'm aware she's relatively single and sexually ambiguous."

Willow just stares at her, giving her look of just disbelief "How does one even judge that?"

Anya simply remarks "The Powers That Be™ work in mysterious ways." She slowly walks off before turning around "Being your loyal wingwoman."

"I never agreed to tha-"

She interrupts her instantaneously "Being your loyal wingwoman." She glares at her, or at least adjusts her glasses in an intimidating fashion "I'd say we organize a night out. Like last night."

Willow raises an eyebrow at her, staring in confusion "Wait what?!"

Anya nods slowly "Yeah, we watched Seinfeld and drank Sunny D and read from some weird Latin book then you collapsed from a sugar come down at around two in the morning and I went home."

Willow chuckles softly before frowning "So that’s why I woke up on the floor! But I thought we agreed Seinfeld was a no-no show! That’s violating our bro cod-.." She pauses for a moment before asking nervously "Latin book...? Anya.. You better be talking Da Vinci code."

Anya shakes her head, slipping her hands into her pockets "Oh no, I'm talking like... Big bad cover looks like a rotting human face. You said it was all.. Binded in human flesh, written in human blood if used by evil or people who have no idea what they are doing it could unleash a dark horror upon the Earth.. Then I started reading from it. Then you passed out and I went home."

Willow just stares at her in shock and disbelief, her lips moving but no sound coming out – she then croaks "And after me warning you.. You read it out.. Why..?"

Anya shrugs "Meh, I thought you were just going through a goth phase."

Willow stares blankly, her silence broken as Tara interrupts the twos Mexican standoff. She curiously looks between the two as their eyes interlock, or rather Willows eyes interlock with the soulless lenses of Anya's spectacles. Tara asks curiously, a peaceful pacifistic nature seems to follow her "You two okay he-here..? Things seem heated.."

Willow stares at her.. For too long.

Quit your dorkin' Rosenberg, it's just a girl.

Willow stutters in a slur of nonsense for a moment "I.. What, no of course not.. I mean, okay. Yes, heat is something not here that we do not have because.. We... Uh.. We're friendly. Not argumentative.."

Tara gives a cute half smirk, gazing at Willow – almost as if she was staring into Willow's very being. Willow stares back in fear and suspense and perpetual attraction.

Oh my lord Rosenberg, you made her think you're the biggest dork in dorkland since Adam Sandler.

Anya nods slowly "Don't worry, the rest of the general public also wonder what drugs Will takes to make her go into such a blank place where she can form entire paragraphs of nonsensical gibberish."

Tara shakes her head, apologizing quietly "Oh no, I didn't mean to smile in a b-bad way. I mean, I know what. … It's like t-to just.. Go on.. Kinda like I am now.." She chuckles quietly.

Anya stands awkwardly between the two, folding her arms in the perpetual silence before being dragged aside by Willow "Anyaaaa, I need to talk to you for a second."

Willow brings her into the corner of the Magic Box and hisses through her teeth "Okay, listen to me. You have put us in some seriously deep shit. An ocean of shit Anya."

Anya scoffs, frowning at Willow "Is it because I helped you pluck up the courage to talk to that girl you've been staring at for your entire duration of stay."

Willow hisses at her again "Oh my God, because you've summoned the demons of hell into our dimension and a fuck ton of Deadites are going to fuck up the world and we're all gunna die! Meaning, I'm going to have to go save the world, again."

Anya raises an eyebrow "Okay, you're not slurring yet you're talking gibberish. What are you going on about Rosendork?"

Willow slaps her causing Anya to rub her face before she can retort she slaps her again "Shut up and listen up. Four years ago, after my graduation ceremony. Me and my friends and my boyfriend we-"

Anya takes off the glasses and gazes at her in amazement "You weren't always one of the gays?"

Willow slaps her again in frustration before she nods and zips her mouth "Okay, no speaking."

"Anyway, we went back to the school library to organize before we went out again. Then there was the book laying on the table. Our librarian told us that it was the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis and that he he had found it along with some tapes from the previous owner which he then proceeded to play.. And well.. That's not how I planned for my graduation to go."

****Willow flashbacks****

A four years younger Willow screams in fear as she is chased down the corridors of Sunnydale High by a demonic Giles – his eyes bright white and his head twisted the other way around.

It then flashes to a scene of Willow screaming loudly as she hacks a possessed Giles's head off with a fire axe before hacking his corpse repetitively with it. Gratuitous amounts of blood splatter her awful patterned shirt and pretty much her entire body.

Flash. A scene of Willow and Xander running into the cafeteria away from a possessed Buffy while screaming loudly. Willow getting stabbed in the hand by Buffy as she attempts to close the door behind her. Xander is promptly sucked through a window by an unknown entity.

Flash. Willowhand has become grey and has distinctive black veins, it attempts to choke her and slams her into many obstacles. The fight continues into the kitchens where the hand beats her with plates and trays and pots and pans. Willow grabs a knife with her free hand and drops to the floor she impales the evil Willowhand against the floor. She screams and yells "Who's laughing now?!" Before pulling a chainsaw out of an open cupboard and sawing her evil hand off in another gratuitous bath of blood.

Flash to Willow blowing a possessed Xanders brains across a cafeteria table, looking away in horror as blood splatters her face - screaming loudly while doing so. She turns around and accidentally fires to doing the same to Oz, looking around as she realizes the bloodbath she'd created.

Another flash shows a now one-handed Willow wielding a double barrelled shotgun and shooting at her disembodied hand as it skittered along a history classroom wall. It climbs into the first hole in the wall before firing again. Blood begins to pour slowly from it. Willow advances closer, curiously before a literal fountain of blood spurts out the hole in the wall, drenching Willow in hot red liquid. The other hole spurts blood before they both mysteriously stop. Willow looks around the classroom before the eerie silence is broken by a taxidermy deer head on the wall begins to start laughing, various other inanimate objects such as doors, chairs, books and all sorts of items join in the choir of laughter. Covered in blood, Willow falls to her knees, laughing maniacally with the rest.

Final flash to Willow sawing a possessed Buffy's head off – putting it in a vice and sawing it in half in a woodwork classroom. She looks out the window to see the entire town of Sunnydale appears to be possessed by these monstrosities, she looks on in horror before grabbing a page out of Buffy's open neck and placing it in the damned book. A large flash passes over the town and all the residents seem to just disappear, the memory ends with Willow walking down the steps of the High School with a chainsaw replacing her right hand a shotgun in her left with the Necronomicon under her arm.

****Now back to the real world****


"And in short, my friends were possessed by the evilest of evils and I in turn had to kill them before cutting off my own hand. All while covered head to toe in obscene levels of blood."

Anya stares at her "No wonder you're an emotional basket case. Good thing I'm normal. Anyway.. I blanked out after the inconsistencies of you finding a chainsaw and a shotgun in a school."

Willow grunts loudly before slapping her "Our janitor loved the second amendment. And cutting down trees."
"Why were you telling me this?"

Willow slaps her again "Because you released the evil that killed all my friends!"

"But you killed all your friends."

"I.. Stop trying to reverse this, the evil took them and I.. Had to kill them because, self defence and they would've died anyway.. It's better to be dead than a pawn for evil."

Tara slowly walks over, looking genuinely nervous. "Umm.. Excuse me, I don't m-mean.. To.. Well.. Anya... W-Willow.. There's something going on outside." And as Tara said this as if dramatic irony or something similar the lights flickered and as Willow and Anya had been reminiscing on the crazy murder times of young Willow they had not noticed the darkening sky and the drastically lowering temperatures.
Slowly edging towards them in the distance would be a large, all-consuming smoke being which would be destroying everything in it's path.

Willow murmurs quietly "Fuck a duck."


End of Chapter 1
:willow

_________________
"So I'm covered in cherries, the police are just pounding at the door. And Judi Dench starts screaming Oh thats way too much for a pair of pants!" - Lorne


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 Post subject: Re: Willow vs Evil Dead
PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2016 5:53 pm 
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I don't know much about the Evil Dead, but I really liked the start to this story. I do hope you continue!!

_________________
Shelby - Racing The Rain (IN PROGRESS) / Baby Makes Three (IN PROGRESS) / The Santa Line / Everything She Does...Is Beautiful / Calfornia Grass

"Transform your pain. Release your past. And ... uh ... get over it."
~Willow, Where The Wild Things Are


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 Post subject: Re: Willow vs Evil Dead
PostPosted: Mon Apr 18, 2016 1:46 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe
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Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2016 8:55 am
Posts: 7
Topics: 2
Location: U-96
Feedback:
Finey_McFine – Thanks, I intend to try and update at the beginning of every week. You should like.. Definitely watch The Evil Dead 2 & 3, the first one isn't the best.
Summary: Smoke monsters and dismemberment and sexual tension.
Disclaimer: Strong language, stronger violence. Awful one-liners.


Chapter Two – You've Got Red On You


Willow looks between Anya and Tara frantically before sighing softly "Okay so the plan is! We g-"

Wham! The smoke smashes through the glass at incredible force, glass flying through into the cramped shop. Willow rugby tackles the two to the floor in a panicked game of dominoes, the trio then falling down the two small steps that lead further into the magic shop. Glass rained over them, any objects on display had been catapulted into the shelves around them and caused generally more chaos.

Anya grunts heavily, being the bottom slice of the Anya-Tara-Willow sandwich "I can't feel my legs." Willow rolls off the two onto the glass, groaning loudly at the cracking beneath her, Anya yelps "No! I definitely feel my legs!"

Tara gets up slowly, brushing glass and other small pieces of debris off her before pulling Anya up off the ground. Tara looks around and remarks smoothly "This has been an interesting first d-day on the job."

Willow gently taps her own face, wincing softly at the small cut on her lips before shouting loudly "Holy hell on horseback! My Oldy! I parked her right in front of the store!" Before running to the entrance.

Anya shouting "Sweet smoking Sanchez! My camper van! I parked her right in … My second amendment rights!"Before running after Willow.

Tara stands there in a state of shock of the past events and the current "Umm... I'll just follow you guys." Before following them slowly.
The street looked like there had been a catastrophic tropical storm, rubbish and junk was askew everywhere while some cars had been flipped onto their sides or even completely. One fire hydrant had been bust and was firing it's load up into the air and began to flood the area around it. The traffic lights flashed rapidly in their small rota of colors, electrical lines cut in half dangled dangerously close to the floor of the street. By some miracle, Willow's car had remained unharmed merely being shoved to the side while Anya's trailer had a large dent in the door and only a singular cracked window.

Willow smiles widely in joy, juxtaposed to Anya falling to her knees and exclaiming a very loud and dramatic "Nooooooo!"
Tara slowly walks in between the two, handing Anya her black beret and her circular sunglasses "You dropped these." Anya sniffles as she takes them and offers a weak "Thank you." Before putting them on.

Willow opens the car door with one hand before tightening her wooden prosthetic and jumping into the drivers seat and reversing very slowly and awkwardly to park in front of Anya's trailer and yelling "Anya! Hook the trailer up to the back of the Oldsmobile!"

Anya hurries to connect the trailer to the back of the car while Willow tilts the passenger seat forwards to allow Anya into the back. Once Willow cranks the seat forwards Tara jumps into the passenger seat and the trio drive off down into the destroyed street.


****


They grind to a halt, taking up a large portion of the sidewalk along with two parking space in front of Willows apartment complex. Both Willow and Tara get out and close the doors together in sync before Tara opens hers to let the yelling Anya out. They all sprint into the lobby with the utmost urgency in mind before waving politely at the young receptionist who only stared irritably back. Willow sprints up the stairs while Anya and Tara shrug before taking the elevator instead.

Now on the third floor, Willow sprints to her apartment followed by Tara and Anya at a light jog and unlocks it with her set of keys. The red-headed rascal charges into her apartment, looking around panickedly. She tears through drawers of underwear and books, taking her bed apart before yelling "Where the fuck is it?!"

Anya pushes her circular shades up with her middle finger "Will, you're acting crazy again." While Tara just stands there awkwardly as the two bicker.

Pull yourself together Rosenberg! Where the hell did you put it?!

Willow sighs softly as she slides down the front of her cabinet, clawing down the sides of her face with her hands "The books gone..."

Anya speaks up "Oh! The book! That’s what we came here for? That’s in my trailer."

Willow moves her hands down to her sides and stares at her in disappointment "And you didn't tell me because..?"

Tara just glances between the two and sighs softly "Because you two seem to be oblivious of e-each others problems..?"

Willow nods slowly "That's probably right, our so called friendship is catastrophic at best. I mean due to Anya and unspeakable amounts of Sunny D and Seinfeld we're now in an apocalypse."

Anya folds her arms and looks disappointed "Well at least it's not entirely my fau-"

The entire building quivers, rocking from side to side. It seems to darken outside and a snowy concoction of dust and asbestos and sprinkles down from the ceiling.

Tara moves back against the door as Anya nearly falls over, Willow clutches the sides of the cabinet she's leaning against. Suddenly, a hand punches it's way through the door and wraps itself around Tara's neck and begins to strangle her. Tara screams muffledly as Anya falls backwards in shock – shouting to Willow who looks equally shocked "Do something Red!"

Willow scrambles to her feet, going to run to Tara before running to the other side of the room and moving a curtain aside to pull out a fire axe. She swings backwards before throwing the axe across the room with force, amputating the arm just above the elbow. Blood spurts from the now disembodied hand while the stump of the arm spurts blood over a horrified Tara's face.

Tara gazes at Willow in wonder, panting heavily from that close encounter and begins to speak before being interrupted by Anya "That was fucking awesome!!"

Willow breathes heavily, recovering from the swing and standing at full posture and gently placing her hand on her arm as she asks concernedly "Are you okay..?" Absent-mindedly rubbing it with her thumb.

Tara smiles gently, whispering in a quiet grateful tone "Th-Thank you.. Now... What the hell was that..?"

Rosenberg, you're groping her arm you weirdo!

Willow moves away from her and raises her index finger symbolizing to wait as she takes off her burgundy Magic Box jacket to reveal her blue shirt underneath. She then roots through her drawer and pulls out a leather rifle holster and pulls it over her shoulder. She then gracefully takes Tara's forearm and pulls her close to her.

They both exchange a brief moment of gazing at each other with only mildly red cheeks. Their noses seemed to be only inches from each others while Tara's hand had grabbed Willow's upper arm when she had been taken.

You're weirding her out Rosenberg!

Willow speaks softly "I'm going to need this." She pulls Tara's belt from it's loops rather elegantly, spinning her away gracefully to land in a sitting position on the side of her bed. She crosses the strap of her holster with the belt and tightens it over her chest and turns to face Anya who winks and mouths "Smooth."

The door is then kicked down by a beastly form of the receptionist from earlier, the girl's eyes had become a milky white and she a distorted face and sharp jagged teeth. Her forearm and hand was missing, she was obviously the one who had attempted to choke Tara.
Willow movies to her set of drawer, pressing a button on the side of it. A slot in the floor opens up and a double barrelled shotgun is propelled into the air before being promptly caught by Willow. As the receptionist rushes rapidly into the room she is filled with a chamber of buckshot from Willow's boomstick in her upper torso – blood splattering over Anya who stood to the side of the Deadite.

The receptionist goes to swipe Willow, who bends backwards and almost falls over before regaining her standing and kneeing it right in the crotch causing it to buckle over. She then smacks it upwards with the stock of her gun, it's chin breaking with a satisfying crack and stumbling backwards. She then pushes it head first into a glass cupboard, Willow presses the gun against the back of her head.

"Hail to the Queen, baby."

A shot rings out as Willow's face is splattered with small flecks of blood and a tiny piece of grey matter lands in her hair. She pulls the shotgun out of the cupboard and places it in it's holster.

Tara and Anya look on in shock and awe, Anya slipping as she attempts to hold onto something and falls on her ass.

Willow nods slowly "First things first.. I need to see a man about a book.." She breathes heavily, exhaling loudly "The other first things first is I need to do some cardio because my heart is hammering like a Quarterback's on prom night.."

Anya snickers while Tara rolls her eyes and gives a small half smile. Anya adjusts her beret, wiping blood off her face with a cushion.
Before Willow has even a chance to settle down, a loud scream is heard and a similarly deformed middle aged lady charges through the door opposite Willow's apartment and tackles Willow to the floor. Fake hand and shotgun flying askew.

Willow punches the Deadite with the metal stump of her hand to no effect before gathering her strength to throw her off. The dainty Deadite, circles her before shouting to Tara on the other side of the room "Tara! Check behind that Dingoes Ate My Baby! Poster!"

Tara pulls the poster down to reveal a hidden section in the wall where a red chainsaw hung neatly in place. Tara gasps softly, being interrupted by Anya releasing a torrent of swears as she is tackled by the Deadite.

"Throw me the chainsaw!"

Tara pulls the chainsaw off the wall, grunting slightly as she nearly drops it due to the weight she then throws it weakly towards Willow. Willow jumps off her bed, diving in mid air towards the chainsaw. By some divine intervention, her stump fits perfectly into the side of the chainsaw and she lands on two feet. With her good hand she pulls the cord and the chainsaw revs up with a menacing roar.

"Hey Sharon!"

The Deadite turns from on top of Anya to glare at Willow.

"Let's tango!"

The possessed monster propels itself from ontop of Anya towards Willow who merely stuck out her arm and thrust upwards to see her former neighbor be sawn literally in half. It's two halves collapse ontop of one another: a mess of blood, internal organs and her previous meal pour onto Willow's floor.

They all shrivel their noses at the smell, Anya coughing loudly and running to the bathroom to vomit in the sink. Tara and Will stand on opposite sides of the room, both splattered in the blood of other people or at least former people.
"You okay Tara..?"

She smiles weakly as she is approached the smaller red-haired girl "Yeah.. That wa-was.. Well... Bloody insane.. And not just in the British slang of bloody. Violent was an understatement."

Willow chuckles softly, wetting her sleeve with her mouth and wiping the blood from her face. Tara pulls a piece of grey matter from Will's hair and flicks it away in disgust. They stare at each for a moment before giggling.

"Well at least we got out of it better than Anya." Who could be heard retching in the other room.

"So Tara.. We're off to Los Angeles to see a man about a book.. There's a seat in the car for you if you'd like to come."

"You know what..? Judging on the fact this may not be my worst first day on a job ever I think I'd enjoy that."

End of Chapter 2

_________________
"So I'm covered in cherries, the police are just pounding at the door. And Judi Dench starts screaming Oh thats way too much for a pair of pants!" - Lorne


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 Post subject: Re: Willow vs Evil Dead
PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2016 2:14 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe
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Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2016 8:55 am
Posts: 7
Topics: 2
Location: U-96
Summary: Road trips and ranting, flashbacks.

Disclaimer: Backstory, backstory, backstory. Bad language, bad humor, bad violence.

This Chapter Exclusive!: Bold is for present day's Willow narration.

Notes: I apologize for not posting last week, I was pretty busy. I'll try to keep on a weekly schedule from now on. P.S. the chapter after this will be a big(ger) one.

Chapter 3 – R is for Repressed Memories!


The Delta 88 zooms down the highway, despite it being only 4 in the afternoon it was incredibly dark and thunder and storms could be heard on the horizon. Relentless hailstone pelted the car, the window-wipers feebly attempting to part the heavens.

The three sit awkwardly in the car only moderately blood-splattered after some glorious physical and mental self-cleaning they bounce along with the shoddy ship that was Willow's Delta 88. Some psychedelic 70s stoner rock music crackles rustily through the beaten up stereo.

"So the penguin says.." Anya giggles ecstatically "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded!"

Tara and Willow stare at each other before staring at Anya, shaking their heads and sighing.

Anya pushes her circular sunglasses up in disgust "Just trying to bring some joy to this miserable thousand mile journey." She then unbuckles her seatbelt and curls up in the back of the car and if by some miracle she falls asleep.

Willow sighs softly as she rested both hands, real and prosthetic, on the steering wheel as they drudged through the miserable weather. The dim light inside the car barely illuminated their faces while the headlights attempted poorly to penetrate the thick veil of hailstone.

Tara sits patiently in the passenger seat, untying her hair from it's place as a ponytail before retying it. She remains silent for a few moments, head down staring at lap before looking up.

"You seem so confident."

Willow turns to her, raising her eyebrows before giggling and rolling her eyes "Me? Pfft. Nah, I'm just a plain ol' dork."

Tara gives off a faint half-smile, relatively obscured from Willow's vision by the poor light "N-No, I meant.. Like.. Heh.."

Tara makes hand gestures as she speaks "Back at the apartment, you... Wow.. That was insane.. You're like some.. I dunno.. Zombie slayer supreme.."

Willow sighs regrettably, straightening up in her chair and brushing her hair back with her right hand. She nods slowly before saying quietly "This ain't my first rodeo to say the least."

Tara bites her lip, the only other sound being the faint snoring of Anya in the back and the quiet slightly distorted sound of the half-broken radio. "Oh.. What happened..?"

Willow sighs softly, looking at their roadmap that had been sprawled across the dashboard and realizing they hadn't even got out of Oregon yet. "Where do I begin...? I mean, I could give you the lowdown which pretty much portrays me in the worst light possible.." She sucks on her teeth "Or I could bore you with a story about my seemingly perpetual high school nightmare."

Tara shrugs, looking back to Anya sprawled out dangerously across the backseat sound asleep. "Well, it'd be n-nice to hear you talk.. .. I mean, interesting. We've got like ten hours and I don't think I'd like to spend them listening to Anya's jokes."

Willow chuckles quietly, leaning back slightly as she turns to Tara "Well.. I think I'll tell it like fairy tale.."

Tara grins and closes her eyes.

"I'll listen."


**Tara-Visions**


"There once was a young sixteen year old girl by the name of Willow Rosenberg."

A younger and therefore smaller and shorter than she is now, Willow Rosenberg appears confused and puzzled on a completely white background similar to that of an empty film set. She is dressed only in grey plain clothes. Slowly, Willow begins to look around at the scenery around her while realizing there is none but the infinite whiteness. Her face morphs into an even more shocked expression.

"She was a normal..."

The dream Willow is zapped into a plain white t-shirt and plain denim jeans. Her confused expression only escalates.

"Okay, a weird smart young girl."

A more accurate Willow in a peculiar assortment of vestments appears, she grins widely – teetering from side to side as she looks over her brightly covered clothes. An apple descends slowly with a small note with 'A++' pinned to it and lands gracefully in her hand.

"Who had just begun high school."

Willow is dropped into a typical high school locker hall backdrop, falling to the floor in horror and shielding her face dramatically as jocks and cheerleaders run rampant.

"With her dashing friend Xander.."

A stunning Xander slides into the scene, his hair slicked back and a rose in his mouth – adorning a snazzy black tuxedo. He winks seductively at the foreground as if staring directly at the camera of Tara's mind, smiling a dazzling white smile. He twirls around before taking Willow's hand and attempting to pull her up in a very manly fashion.

"And by dashing I mean he was a complete dork."

Xander fails miserably at his attempt to pull Willow off the ground, slipping comically to the floor. His tuxedo seems to zap off as he hits the floor, replaced with a bright Hawaiian shirt and brown corduroy pants. He smiles weakly at the camera, the rose wilting in his mouth.

"And the newly arrived Buffy Summers."

Buffy skateboards into the scene, leaping over the two on the ground in the center and skating behind them. She was dressed in cool shades and a backwards cap, carrying two skateboards behind her back – adorning a t-shirt entitled 'Music Band' and a pair of Vans.

"Who was very strong."

Buffy pulls the two up with ease, looking at her newly formed muscles while nodding profusely with a smug smile on her face.

"Like really strong."

Buffy's muscles expand at an astounding rate, booming in proportion one at a time with loud explosions in the background with each one. She raises the two above her head, letting out an Arnold Schwarzenegger scream.

"There was also resting bitch face Cordelia."

And so appears a resting bitch face Cordelia with a resting bitch face. She seemed rather disgusted to be on the same mental image as the other three, looking at them in disgust.

"And Giles, our librarian.. Who was super cool."

Giles skateboards across the scene, dressed in his a tweed suit with a bright t-shirt underneath – reading 'Radical'. He is also wearing a backwards cap.

"And British."

Giles retires to a suddenly appeared armchair at the side of the set, sipping a cup of tea in silence.

"There was also Miss Calendar, the ICT teacher who was awesome in ways that cannot be described."

Jenny rolls onto screen in a red convertible sports car, her arm hanging out the side while rock music blasts out the speakers. She nods to the beat and lowering her shining aviators to wink towards the front of the scene.

"Then came along Buffy's older and mopey boyfriend Angel."

A very sad looking Angel appears in the far corner beside Giles, facing the corner wearing a dunce cap while a stormy cloud hung above him and rained on only him.

"And my b-... friend Oz: small, stoic and in a band."

Oz hovers onto stage, dressed in psychadelic tie-dye shirts and draped in five guitars that hung off him while he played the triangle solemnly.

"All was well in little Willow's life, she passed through lessons with ease and had a fun time."

Everyone smiled brightly and did jazz hands except Angel who sat in the corner brooding and Oz who gazed into the distance as if contemplating his own existence.

"Until Angel did the do with Buffy and triggered his exuberant sadistic other personality, Angelus."

Buffy walks up to Angel, grabbing him and holding him above her head with her massive metaphorical guns and letting out another Arnold scream. Confetti explodes everywhere and Angel disappears in a cloud of smoke. He the begins to descend from the ceiling suspended on wires while dressed in tight leather clothing and wearing thick eyeliner. Oz plays a sombre triangle note in response.

"Angelus attempts to kill us all... And fails."

Angelus pours out a bucket full of candy with razor blades sticking out over the group who choose sensibly not to eat any.

"But then succeeds at killing Jenny."

Jenny pulls out a sword, jumping out the car dressed like Xena the Warrior Princess while still wearing her aviators. She points her sword at Angelus who responds by pulling out a pistol and shooting her straight in the head to which she exclaims "T'is but a flesh wo-" before collapsing and her tongue lulling out. The rest of the group gasp in horror, Oz taking a moment to react before raising his eyebrows in shock. Giles sobs and falls to his knees and lets out a dramatic "No!" While tea forms a pool around him.

"Angel reclaims control of his body and flees town in shame of what his split personality did."

Angelus explodes into a smoke cloud, once it cleared it revealed the typical brooding Angel. Suspended from the ceiling with a cloud raining above him. The wires he's hanging from slowly carry him off stage.

"Some time passes and graduation is imminent. Everyone is relatively happy."

Everybody is zapped into red graduation robes, happy bright smiles are wide on their faces as they teeter from side to side – except Oz who remains emotionless and plays his triangle while staring off into the distance. Willow bounces in glee, spinning rapidly as a large sand timer with the words 'Graduation' written below it empties.

"Graduation goes swell and except for Cordelia who was a douche and decided to leave us for Harmony frickin' Kendall. I mean Jesus who does that?.. Right I'm going off track. Willow and her friends all go back to the library to see this cool thing Giles found."

There's a brief flicker of them graduating before they are all returned to their normal clothes. Cordelia leaves the stage by moonwalking backwards, giving them all the bird with both hands as she exits.

The backdrop is changed to the library, a table appearing in the centre on which lies a mystery box. Giles seems to be showing this of proudly, bowing as the rest of the group applauded.

"Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, the book of the dead."

Giles opens the box and pulls out a book bound with what looked like a human face on the front and an old tape recorder. He grins happily as the rest 'Oooo' in wonder.

"And this is where young Willow's journey really begins. Giles plays the tape which recites passages from the Necronomicon."

Giles pushes the play button of the tape recorder with an ecstatic grin on his face while weird chanting echoes from it.

"All my friends then become possessed by the book and become savage creatures."

Everybody except Willow is zapped by lightning and turned into zombie-like creatures which roar in anger. Buffy lets out a loud Arnold scream and Xander groans loudly. Giles yells "No more tea!" And smashes a teapot off the floor before screaming in a high pitch tone. All of them react loud and violently except Oz who plays the triangle to Amazing Grace and lets out a quiet snarl. Willow looks around terrified.

"And this is when... The bad things really start to happen... I mean.. There's no gentle way I can put this... My former friends all begin to attack me..."

Willow is pushed into the corner by the pal-possessing-poltergeists and falls to the floor dramatically, she covers her face with her hand once again dramatically and lets out a whimper.

"I … Killed them all.."

Willow lets out a loud war cry and begins to perform unnecessarily exuberant kung-fu moves, each kick and punch she performed upon them caused them to explode into a ball of low-budget CGI flames.

"My hand became possessed so I lopped it off at the wrist.."

Willows hand turns a dark grey and gives Willow the middle finger. Willow gasps in shock before grabbing a knife and slicing it off comically. She smiles happily, putting her hand and stump proudly on her waist.

"Then stopped the book from summoning more evil and left town.."

Willow throws the book into a time out corner that had been conveniently constructed before jumping on a conveniently appeared horse and galloping into a suddenly appearing sunset.


**The Real-Life**


Tara opens her eyes, looking kinda traumatized at the mental journey she went on before turning to Willow with a sense of admiration in her eyes. She murmurs quietly as she gazes at the side of her face, Willow's red hair tucked behind her ears. She continues to stare in fascination at Willow before speaking in a quiet tone.

"My aunt was a shaman... She said that evil always lived in the shadows.."

Willow chuckles quietly, slightly unnerved by the thought of shamans "Isn't all the magic stuff gobbledegook?"

Tara shakes her head "Let me finish... She spoke of a woman that would stand up against the forces of darkness... She called that woman the Imperatix.. I think that woman is you, Willow.."

Oh shit.


End of Chapter 3.

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"So I'm covered in cherries, the police are just pounding at the door. And Judi Dench starts screaming Oh thats way too much for a pair of pants!" - Lorne


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 Post subject: Re: Willow vs Evil Dead
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 4:15 am 
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1. Blessed Wannabe

Joined: Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:24 am
Posts: 1
Location: fL
This is great. Such an original idea for a crossover, executed brilliantly. Im a huge fan of the Evil dead and Bruce Campbell. Although now Ash has competition from Willow to be my favorite quirky hero. The recap of Willow's traumatic high school days made me laugh out loud. There were one or two tiny typos that only an obsessive like myself would notice. Thank you for writing this , its put a smile on my face that will last the day.

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