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Name: Go FIsh
Author: YellowQuirkyTeacup
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and ME. I'm just borrowing these people and I'm not making a profit.
Rating: PG or maybe PG-13, nothing disturbing.
Summary: Buffy explodes the toilet pipes and the gang fight over who is going to clean up the mess.
Notes: Feedback is welcome! This was the first BTVS story I ever wrote so be kind. I'm a bit fuzzy on details about moderators and rules, so if I did anything wrong, please let me know.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning in Sunnydale. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and no one had been eaten by a vampire yet.
"Okay." Buffy Summers shook her head despairingly and ran a hand through her long blonde hair. She attempted a wry grin, but it wobbled into a grimace as she fought to keep herself from panicking. "This is not good," she muttered to herself.
"What's not good?" came a voice from behind her. Buffy spun around to see her best friend, Willow Rosenberg, entering the room with a big grin on her face, and holding the hand of her girlfriend, Tara. Both girls looked sleep-deprived, but this didn't seem to bother them. They've been at it again!
Normally Buffy would've teased them, but today they had a problem. Nothing she had faced before had prepared her for this…
"Come on, Buff, what's up?" Willow exclaimed, jolting Buffy from her thoughts. "Big scary monsters? Is it another god? Or… ooo, maybe an apocalypse? We haven't had a dose of apocalypse-y scaryness for a while."
"No, it's nothing like that. I wish it was," Buffy sighed.
"What is it, Buffy?" Tara asked. Although she had become a lot more confident since Buffy had first met her, Tara was a quiet person and very perceptive. She knew something was up.
"It's just I-" Buffy swallowed. "I kind of exploded the plumbing."
"Kind of?" Willow giggled. "How can you kind of explode something?" She giggled again when she saw Buffy's serious face. "Look, it's okay. It's just a bit of water. No need to panic," she reassured her friend.
"It's not the water pipes," Buffy admitted. She nervously crossed her arms over her chest. "It's the… toilet pipes."
Willow's smile faded. "As in poop?"
Tara burst out laughing. Buffy and Willow turned to stare at her in surprise.
"What's so funny?" Willow demanded. "We have exploded poop in the house!"
"I'm sorry, Will." Tara pressed her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing again. "You should've seen your face."
Willow huffed, but her reply was cut off by the arrival of a sleepy figure in the doorway.
"Okay, who died?" Dawn mumbled as she shuffled into the kitchen. She froze as she considered her words. "Wait… did anyone die?"
"Buffy exploded the poop pipes," Willow told her glumly. At the words, 'poop pipes', even Buffy had to crack a smile.
Dawn glared at her older sister. "You what? This is just typical!" She stomped back out of the room and up the stairs. They all heard her yell, "Fricking Slayers!" as she slammed her bedroom door.
"Well, that was dramatic," Tara remarked dryly. When Buffy and Willow just looked at her miserably, she went on, "Come on guys, it's no biggie. We'll just call Xander and ask him to take care of it for us! Wasn't he the one who fixed the pipes last time?"
The other two looked at her with expressions of wonder.
"Aw, sweetie, you're a genius," Willow smiled, squeezing Tara's hand.
Buffy picked up the telephone. "I'll just call him."
***
Buffy slammed down the phone and exclaimed, "Did Xander tell you guys he was gonna be away on a work trip for three weeks?"
"What?"
Willow's and Tara's expressions confirmed that he hadn't told them either. Buffy sighed and slumped against the kitchen bench. "Oh, and Anya's coming over to gloat."
"There is no way we can go three weeks with a house full of exploded poop," Willow moaned. "And we can't afford a proper plumber. What are we gonna do?"
They all stared blankly at one another.
***
When Anya barged into the house without even knocking on the door, she found Buffy, Willow, Tara and Dawn sitting at the kitchen table dealing out a pack of cards into five piles.
"What are you doing?" the ex-vengeance demon barked, without bothering to say hello. "You should be cleaning your poopy bathroom and crying."
"Anya, as ever, you are a breath of fresh air," Buffy said dryly, patting the chair next to her. "Come and sit down."
Anya walked across the room and sat down warily.
"We're playing Go Fish," Dawn explained, her expression clearly showing that she thought this was a game for little kids. "Loser gets to clean up the poop."
"Well, I'm not playing! What if I lose?" Anya objected. She began to rise from her chair, but Buffy clamped a hand on her shoulder and forced her back down.
"If you refuse to play, you lose by default," Willow said, her eyes glinting with amusement. Anya looked at each of them in turn, then pouted and crossed her arms petulantly.
"Why can't Buffy persuade Spike to do it in return for hot sweaty sex?" she complained. No one flinched; they were used to Anya's bluntness.
Instead Willow replied, "I don't think Spike would do that, even for Buffy."
They all picked up their cards.
***
Anya, of course, got out first. "Yes, I win, I win!" she yelled, jumping around. The others glared at her. Then Dawn got out. She said nothing, but her expression showed her relief. Tara was next. Finally it was down to Willow and Buffy. The strain was showing in both of their faces.
"Got any… sixes?" Buffy asked tentatively.
"Vixen," Willow muttered, handing over a six.
"Yeeessss!" Buffy yelled, tossing down her cards and doing a little dance. "Bad luck, Will!"
Willow looked at her disbelievingly. "What? I lose?"
Everyone's heads bobbed in unison.
"Oh, come on!" Willow protested. "This was a bad game, full of… badness. And unfairness with the odds stacked against those with bad fish strategy! Can't we play again?"
The looks on the others' faces told her the answer.
"I don't know how to fix pipes," she mumbled finally.
"You don't have to fix pipes. You have to clean away poop," Anya pointed out with her usual tact.
Willow looked at her girlfriend pleadingly. "Tara, please will you help me? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?"
Tara hesitated and Willow turned on the puppy dog eyes.
"Please," she whined.
Tara sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll help."
"Yay!" She shot a look of death at the others. "You guys are evil, backstabbing, fair-weather friends-"
"At least we won't smell like crap at the end of the day," Anya countered.
***
Buffy sipped her hot chocolate and grinned at Dawn. "How do you think they're getting on?"
Dawn looked up from the television and shrugged.
"I bet they're stinky and germy and pissed as hell at us. It makes me go all tingly just thinking of it," Anya said dreamily.
"Do ya think we should go and do the na-na-nee-na-na?" Dawn asked.
"Nah," Buffy snickered. "We can do that when they come back up and see us all snuggly and warm watching TV."
"With popcorn," Dawn added.
***
Tara put her arms around Willow and kissed her softly. Willow sighed, pulling Tara towards her and deepening the kiss. When they broke away from each other, Tara whispered, "Do you think we should go back up? I feel kind of sneaky."
The two looked around the room and smiled at each other. Using magic, it had taken them about three minutes to clean everything up and fix the pipes as well. As a bonus, both of them were poop-free.
Willow giggled. "Nah. Why spoil their fun?"
"I think we had the last laugh on this one," Tara chuckled.
"Definitely," Willow murmured, pressing her girlfriend against the wall and kissing her again.
FIN.
_________________
"Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like ... like ... trying to hit a ... puppy, by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image, and you should all just forget it."
-Willow
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