The
BIG HONKIN' ANGST WARNING is still in effect. Please stock up an provisions such as tissues accordingly. Anyone suggesting stocking up on chocolate, too, would not be accused of crazy talk.
What can I say? Inspiration struck, and I've been writing like mad. Replies soon.
This part... well, things are really coming to a head now. Closer and closer we creep... and yet so far away, we are. Wow. I feel like I just channeled Yoda.
The next few parts, well... you're gonna just have to trust me. And strap your safety harnesses a bit tighter. Cuz Part 23? Yikes! Part 24? Ouch. Part 25? More ouch. Part 26? You're gonna love 26. And 27. And 28. I think by the end of 28, you'll love me again. Cuz you're gonna hate me through 25.
Just a warning.
-BB
Title: The Truth of Deception - Part 22: Lurking In the Shadows
Author: blameburner
Feedback: Sure… Always a plus
Summary: AU, baby! So you all know by now... Tara is part of the Initiative. Plenty of questions remain, however, and the answers will be revealed... eventually.
Spoiler Warning: S4. Everything up to "Hush" is canon. After that, this story veers off. There will be some similarities to S4, but definite differences. Basically, if it happened after "Hush" on the show, assume it
didn't happen unless I mention it specifically.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but oh how I wish they were! Joss, blah, blah, ME, blah, blah.
Rating: Generally R, but some NC-17 (maybe). Just be prepared.
Pairings: W/T, of course.
Angst: Maggie Alert! Automatic rating of 5.
Special Note: In the next update or two there will be dialogue taken directly from the show. I just wanted to give credit where credit is due.Previously...So Willow finally forced herself to face her greatest fear - that she wasn't worthy of Tara. She wrote one last question in the "Why?" column:
Am I worthy of Tara's love?
She took a sip of her mocha, which was now cold, and started to fold up the napkin. Then she stopped, smoothing it back down on the table. She looked at the second column, which was still unnamed. She thought for a moment, and then she added a title.
She titled that column - the most important column of her entire life - "Truth."
Then she folded up the napkin and slipped it into her pocket. She lay the pen down on the table, and she slipped out of the coffee shop and into the midday air.
The last question in the first column, whether she was worthy of Tara's love, sat alone in the row, the corresponding spot in the second column left blank.
For the moment.
*************************
Now she didn't know what to think. She didn't know whose side Riley was on. Buffy Summers had altered Riley. Had made him an anarchist. Like her. Maybe.
Walsh felt like her brain was going to explode, and she clutched at her head. She didn't know who she could count on anymore. Riley, Tara, Willow, Buffy... all spinning round and round and she didn't know... didn't know... and Buffy had threatened to take away Riley.
Buffy had threatened to take something that belonged to Maggie Walsh. Buffy needed to be answered.
A plan formed in her mind. Two birds, one stone. Actually, three birds.
She dialed her cell phone.
"I have a special mission for you," she said to the one she had called. The one she knew would never let her down. "I need to keep tabs on some people. Yes. As soon as possible. Good. See you then."
She hung up the phone, chewing on the still extended antenna. It would be tricky, using him just now. He would know, of course. He already knew, and she knew he would just be biding his time. Her little boy. He hated when she called him that, but he let her do it anyway. She knew he would kill her if he had the chance. If he didn't need her. But she had something he wanted, so there would be no killing today. Or tomorrow. Or anytime soon. Not until he got what he wanted. That was the thing she liked most about him. The thing she could most use to her advantage.
She smiled. Soon she would find out where they all stood. Riley. Tara. She was fairly confident about Tara, but... she needed to be sure. This would make her sure. And Riley... Riley might be a little further gone, but he could still be brought back. She just needed to eliminate what was distracting him.
And that she could handle all by herself.
As soon as Buffy returned.
Part 22Buffy returned to The Initiative after a wholly unsuccessful mission. There had been no real sign of Adam, other than the dissected demon they'd found strung up in a tree. And that had just been gross.
But the demon science project had been left at the edge of the woods, closer to campus than any hiding spots Adam might be using, in a sector the commandos had swept heavily the night before. But there were no tracks leading to or away from the sight, so the only thing they knew for sure was that the dead demon had been left there in the last few hours.
They couldn't even be sure it had been Adam. There was no real proof, but still... they knew. It just smelled like something Adam would do, at least to Buffy. It kind of made sense. Adam was part human, part demon, and part Terminator rip-off... maybe he wanted to know a bit more of where he came from. Then there was the fact that there had been no tracks - whatever did this knew enough to hide its involvement and demons, while nasty creatures, were not particularly big with the planning. They were more your kill-em-and-brag-about-it types. Plus, there was no demon she'd ever heard of that had a special affinity for playing high school biology professor, especially with a fellow demon.
So Buffy was even more frustrated coming back than when she'd left. She was still looking for a fight with Walsh, and now she hadn't even been able to kick a little demon ass, so she had lots of pent up Slayer-rage. Definitely not a happy Slayer.
"Seacrest, Tyler - we've had another report of a possible location for Adam," Walsh said unceremoniously as Team Two - including Buffy - reached the conference table. "I want you to take your team back out. Immediately. Here are the coordinates. Team One is already on sight."
Walsh handed Tyler a slip of paper, and Team Two turned to leave.
"Buffy, wait a minute," Walsh said, stopping the Slayer from heading back out with the team. "I've got another assignment for you."
Buffy waited, crossing her arms over her chest. She was only barely keeping herself from laying into Walsh again. She really wanted to tell Walsh she could shove it up her boney ass, but... she was the Slayer, and there was a very dangerous
thing on the loose. She had to prioritize. Kill Adam, then kick Walsh's ass. Definitely a good plan.
"I hate to waste you on it," Walsh continued, "but I want Team Two to back up Riley and Team One, and this needs to be checked out."
"Riley's out there?" Buffy asked, instantly concerned. She knew Riley could take care of himself, but still... she worried.
"Yes," Walsh said, nodding. "You wouldn't want him to be without backup, would you?"
"No, of course not," Buffy agreed.
"Good," Walsh said. "Besides, I know you can take care of this quickly. Then you can join Riley and help him find Adam."
Buffy nodded.
"It's a small job. Reconnaissance," Walsh said, almost apologetically.
"It's okay. I'm up for some action," Buffy said. Truth was she really needed to get out some of her frustration, preferably by beating a demon to an oozing pulp.
"I doubt you'll get any on this one," Walsh said, again sounding apologetic. "We have a reading of a Class 3 Subterrestrial moving through the sewer tunnels just on the north edge of town."
"Class 3?" Buffy asked, not remembering that term.
Stupid commando terminology, she grumbled to herself.
"Low level threat, minimal aggression, meager defenses. They barely show up on the scanner and occasionally turn out to be raccoons," Walsh said jokingly. "All we need you to do is get a visual on this thing," she said, handing Buffy a head-mounted video camera. "This will feed me back an image and I can advise you from there."
Buffy was more than a little suspicious. Walsh was being almost... nice. Too nice, really - especially given the circumstances. She didn't trust Walsh any further than Xander could throw her, but... she thought about Riley out there hunting for Adam. She wanted to help him, and the faster she dealt with this Class 3 whatever, the sooner she could join her boyfriend. And the sooner she could come back and throw dear old Maggie around a bit.
"Fine," Buffy finally said, putting the camera on and taking the taser gun Walsh handed her. "But when I get back-"
"Yes, I know," Walsh interrupted, "we're going to have a little chat."
"Damn right we are," Buffy agreed, grinning just a bit evilly. Then she headed out.
"Bye-bye," Walsh muttered happily.
*************************
Willow set back off towards campus, pondering that last, unanswered question. Beyond Tara's deception, underneath Willow's pain over the lie, was Willow's own insecurity. And until Willow dealt with that, she couldn't deal with Tara's lie.
She finally understood that this wasn't really about Tara. It was about her. It was about all the fear she'd ever held on to in her entire life, all the insecurities and doubts that plagued every step she'd ever taken.
No matter how much she buried it. No matter how much she ignored it. No matter how much she thought she had dealt with it.
It was all there. Still. And it was time to deal.
**************************
Tara felt her breath catch in her throat as she caught sight of the woman she loved walking across the quad. She wanted to run to Willow, to beg her red-haired Goddess to forgive her, but she didn't. She couldn't. She didn't have any right. So instead she quickly stepped off the path and behind a tree, not wanting Willow to see her.
Willow was walking towards Tara, seemingly lost in thought. She seemed sad, which made complete sense. You lied to her, you betrayed her... of course she's sad, you moron. And yet Willow also seemed... not sad. Almost... hopeful?
Could that be right? Could Willow be hopeful about something? About what? About... Tara? About them?
Tara shook her head. She didn't deserve to even think such things. Willow hated her, that's all there was to it. Willow deserved to hate her.
No, that wasn't right. No one "deserved" hate, whether on the giving or receiving end - least of all Willow. Willow's heart was to big, her soul too gentle to have hate be any part of her life. And yet there Willow was, having been pushed to hate by the woman who supposedly loved her.
Tara's internal tirade against herself faded away, however, as Willow got closer to Tara's hiding spot. Tara couldn't help but watch her love, noting the way the sun glinted off her hair, the soft frown lines crinkling the corners of her eyes... Tara smiled without thinking, recognizing that look. Willow was trying to figure something out. Tara could practically heart the wheels turning in Willow's mind, and she thought lovingly of all the times she had just sat in her room with Willow, watching the redhead think. Those were some of the happiest moments of her life, watching Willow.
Tara was so lost in thought, that she at first missed Willow stumble slightly, then stop walking completely. Willow was now only about ten feet from where Tara was standing. The redhead got the strangest look on her face, like she was straining to hear something so faint and delicate that it might break if she breathed wrong.
Willow frowned, then closed her eyes, seeming to center herself, concentrating. After a moment she smiled, just a little. She opened her eyes again and started scanning about, looking for... something.
Tara finally noticed what was going on with Willow, and she ducked completely behind the tree she had been hiding behind. Her heart beat heavily as she wondered if Willow had seen her. She prayed Willow hadn't seen her. The last thing she wanted was for Willow to think she was stalking her or something. She knew she should have turned and walked the other direction as soon as she had seen Willow coming towards her, but she couldn't force herself to leave. She needed to be near her love, if only for a moment... to see her face... to feel her presence.
Tara stayed hidden behind the tree as Willow turned in a complete circle, slowly scanning the horizon. Then her face fell, just a little. She sighed, shaking her head.
Tara finally dared peak out from behind the tree, just as Willow started walking again.
She circled the tree as Willow passed, being sure to keep the tree between them at all times as she watched her love walk away. She waited until Willow had turned the corner at the campus center, watching until the last possible millisecond. Finally, with Willow completely out of sight, Tara sank down to the ground next to the tree and silently cried.
*************************
Willow had felt something, she was sure of it. She thought she had felt...
It had been strange. She had been walking, thinking, and then it had come... like being snuggled under a warm blanket on a winter morning. Warm and safe. But it had been more than that, and Willow remembered the feeling. It felt like love. It felt like...
Tara.
When she had felt it, she couldn't help the tiny smile that had crept across her face. Tara's love always did that to her.
She could have sworn Tara was nearby. So she had looked around. But she hadn't seen her.
Finally she had given up, figuring she was just imagining things. Just hoping...
And she had started walking again.
But she had felt it. She knew she had. Something. There had been something.
And whether it was real, or whether it was just her wanting it to be real, it didn't matter.
There would be time. There was time.
As soon as she figured out the answer to fill the blank spot in the second column.
She had thought she had shown Tara everything, opened herself completely. And while she had bared herself in a way she never had before, Willow now realized that there was this tiny part, kept under lock and key, which still only belonged to her.
Willow belonged to Tara, but now she knew she didn't belong to Tara completely. And she only had herself to blame.
So what are you afraid of, Rosenberg? That Tara won't love you?
Yes.
That Tara won't need you?
Yes.
That Tara will leave you?
Yes.
Well if you're so afraid of her leaving you, then why have you pushed her away?
Huh?
And do you really think Tara doesn't know you? The real you? Do you think so little of her, and of her love for you?
And it hit Willow then. Truth was funny that way.
Tara did know her. Of course Tara did. And Tara loved her anyway.
Tara had heard the stories, had seen photographs, had experience some of Willow's geeky traits - which Tara always called "cute" or "quirky" - and was still there. Loving her.
Tara loved her not in spite of, but because of. Tara loved her completely. And Tara was an amazing person.
So if Tara loved her, geek-infested roots and all, then Willow must be worthy. All of Willow.
To think anything less was to belittle Tara's love. To belittle Tara.
And that was the one thing that Willow would never do. At least not knowingly. And now that she knew...
She had no more excuses. Maybe she still didn't love herself, but Tara loved her, and that was a start.
And yet here Willow was, off alone, because... why?
Once upon a time, she'd told Tara that they belonged together. That she'd wait as long as it took.
And at the first sign of trouble, Willow had bailed. She hadn't waited. She'd gotten angry, she'd wallowed in the pain, and she'd left.
She hadn't even given Tara a chance. Given them a chance.
Anya had told her that if she couldn't forgive Tara for lying, then that was okay. As long as Willow didn't pretend not to know that Tara loved her.
And Willow knew that now. She just knew. So all that was left was whether she could forgive Tara.
Buffy had asked Willow if she loved Tara enough to try and make it work.
And she did. How could she not?
How could she not forgive Tara for lying? Especially when Willow had lied, too? Maybe her lie wasn't as intentional, but still... Willow had hidden things. Willow had deceived.
But beyond that... Willow replayed her argument with Tara over in her head. Tara's pain had been obvious. It had been real. Tara was hurting, because she had lied. Because she had caused Willow pain.
Tara hadn't wanted to lie. Yes, she had chosen to lie - Willow couldn't deny that, or even excuse it. But she could understand it, if she just gave Tara the chance to explain.
She loved Tara. Tara loved her.
It really was that simple.
She reached into her pocket and took out the napkin. The one that held the key to her future. She looked at the question one last time.
Am I worthy of Tara's love?
She didn't have a pen, but she would write in the answer just as soon as she found something to write with. In a different color than black. It definitely deserved a different color.
Was she worthy?
Yes.
She believed it because Tara believed it. And Tara would teach her how to believe it for herself.
So simple.
Now she just had to find Tara.
*************************
TBC with Part 23: Moment of Truth
Edited to fix the glaring spelling errors in the first version. Oops.
Edited by: blameburner at: 11/19/02 7:28:20 pm
by The Rose24 » Mon Nov 18, 2002 11:22 pm 
. It's actually suprising she got this far with such a nast temper, heh.
...
Can't wait 4 more! 
26, 26, 26 