The
BIG HONKIN' ANGST WARNING is still in effect. Please stock up an provisions such as tissues accordingly. Anyone suggesting stocking up on chocolate, too, would not be accused of crazy talk.
Sorry, I'm a bit behind, but I'll try and get to replies later tonight. As always, thanks for reading.
-BB
Title: The Truth of Deception - Part 19: The Day the World Fell Down
Author: blameburner
Feedback: Sure… Always a plus
Summary: AU, baby! So you all know by now... Tara is part of the Initiative. Plenty of questions remain, however, and the answers will be revealed... eventually.
Spoiler Warning: S4. Everything up to "Hush" is canon. After that, this story veers off. There will be some similarities to S4, but definite differences. Basically, if it happened after "Hush" on the show, assume it
didn't happen unless I mention it specifically.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but oh how I wish they were! Joss, blah, blah, ME, blah, blah.
Rating: Generally R, but some NC-17 (maybe). Just be prepared.
Pairings: W/T, of course.
Angst: No cliffhanger, but moderate angst. I'll say a 7.
Previously...Willow nodded tersely. "Just out of curiosity... was kissing me part of the plan, too? Was touching me in the middle of the night just part of the lie?"
"No. No, that was just us," Tara said quietly. "I couldn't help it, to touch the woman I love. I never told Professor Walsh that we were involved. She thinks we're just friends. I didn't... There's a lot I kept from her. I didn't tell her how powerful you are, and I didn't report all the spells we did, how we spent our time. I didn't tell her that I fell in love with you. I told her as little as possible."
"I see," was all Willow said.
"Willow, I didn't tell her about us - the real us - because it's dangerous for you," Tara tried to explain. She needed to tell Willow about her suspicions about Walsh, that she feared Willow was in danger. "Walsh-"
Willow brushed past Tara and reached the door.
"Willow," Tara said, her voice pleading with Willow to stay.
"Don't. Don't say my name," Willow said, turning back towards Tara. Her voice was full of steel. "Don't even think it. You have no right."
And then she was gone.
Part 19Tara sunk to the floor, unable to dam the flow of tears. The levy had failed, and her soul was weeping - what was left of it, anyway. The rest was ashes, consumed in the fire of her deception.
A soft knock at the door filled Tara with a hope she had no right to believe possible.
Willow?
She scrambled to her feet, brushing the tears off her face. Did she dare hope? Did she dare believe? She rushed to the door, yanking it open to find...
Riley.
"Hey," he said softly. "I waited around, you know... just in case you needed... and I saw Willow leave..."
Hearing the name of her love pass Riley's lips ripped away the sandbags she'd placed around her heart, and the all to brief patch on the dam of her pain broke completely. There was no stopping it, no fighting it. It washed over Tara, the power of it buckling her knees once more.
Riley caught Tara as she collapsed in grief and lifted her in his arms, kicking the door shut with his foot. If Tara had been capable of any thought beyond the pain, she might have been embarrassed by her utter helplessness. But she wasn't thinking anything beyond the recriminations her mind was screaming.
Riley carried her across the room and dropped down on his knee, then shifted so he was sitting with his back braced against the bed. He pulled Tara across his lap, and she went without protest. He began rocking her gently, speaking soft non-sensical words of friendship and support, the way one does when trying to comfort someone who can't hear anything beyond their own despair anyway.
No explanation was necessary, no discussion forthcoming. Riley just held her, rocking her, telling her it would be okay. Tara just clung to Riley, giving into the agony in her heart, freeing it. Riley understood, and Tara allowed him that understanding.
Even though she didn't deserve it. Even though she should be alone in her misery. Even though she shouldn't be allowed to express her pain.
She wanted to punish herself. But she didn't have the strength.
And so Tara wept.
*************************
Willow was numb.
She couldn't think, couldn't feel.
Her heart was cold, her soul encased in ice. Her mind was frozen on the one thing she had never thought was possible.
"I lied because... because I was investigating you."
Tara had lied. She had lied a lot. She had lied to Willow.
Yes, Willow was numb. She was afraid of what would happen when she thawed.
She walked through the door of her and Buffy's room, her eyes unfocused, her face blank.
"Hey Wil," Buffy said, glancing over her shoulder at her best friend. Buffy turned back to the task at hand - folding laundry. She really, really hated folding laundry.
Willow didn't respond, just shuffled over the her bed and sat down on the edge. She folded her hands into her lap and stared at nothing at all.
"So you were gone all night again," Buffy said non-chalantly. "Did you crash at Tara's? Or were you off having wild monkey sex with that hot transfer student? Oh my God, I'm starting to sound like Anya. And Xander. Geez."
Willow was vaguely aware that Buffy was talking, but the words sounded distant and muffled. Nothing could compete with the hollow wind roaring in Willow's ears.
But Buffy didn't know that. Buffy was oblivious.
"Well, either way," Buffy said, shaking her head at her own Xanya-ness, "I think mochas are in order. Yep, definitely mochas. I need my best friend time. I hardly see you anymore, and I miss you. So I'll just finish up this whole laundry thing, and we'll go. Unless you have plans? Do you have plans?"
Getting no answer, Buffy finally turned towards her best friend. "Wil?"
Hearing her name finally penetrated her brain, and Willow looked up at Buffy with dull, dead eyes.
Buffy freaked.
"Willow, what's wrong?" Buffy practically shouted, rushing over to kneel in front of the redhead. "What happened? Did something happen?"
Tears started pooling in the corners of Willow's eyes, and she tried to speak, but she couldn't find her voice. So she just shook her head. The thaw was beginning.
"What... is the world ending again? Did someone get attacked? Did Spike get de-chipped?" Buffy rattled off questions rapid-fire, grasping at anything that popped into her mind. "Did you see a frog?"
Willow just kept shaking her head, looking into her friend's eyes.
Buffy didn't know what to do. She had no idea what was going on. So she decided to call the one person who might actually have a clue as to what was wrong with Willow. If anyone knows, she will, Buffy thought.
She stood and picked up the phone, saying, "I'm gonna call Tara."
"No!" Willow shouted, jumping to her feet. She gabbed the phone out of Buffy's hand and slammed it back down on the receiver. Then Willow started sobbing.
Buffy was startled, but she shook off her astonishment at her friend's reaction and guided Willow to sit on the bed. She threw her arms around the redhead and stroked her hair, telling her it would be okay over and over again.
After a long little while, Willow finally stopped shaking, her body no longer racked by shuddering sobs. She eased back and Buffy let her go, but took Willow's hand with both of her own. And she waited for Willow to explain. She didn't have to wait long.
Willow told Buffy about what had happened that morning, about Tara being in The Initiative, about Tara being sent to spy on witches, then being sent to spy on Willow. She told Buffy about how Walsh had thought Willow was a threat, how Tara said she was afraid Walsh would send someone else if Tara didn't investigate her, how Tara said she was trying to protect Willow. She told Buffy everything Tara had said, recounting it almost word for word. Almost.
Buffy was pissed, to say the least. Pissed about a lot of things.
"Buffy, Riley really didn't know," Willow assured her friend. She needed to make sure Buffy knew that before they really got to the heart of the matter. "He's a regular Boy Scout. I don't think he could have not told you if he'd known."
Buffy nodded, relieved about that bit at least. She didn't really think Riley was capable of such a thing. Then again, she wouldn't have thought Tara capable of such a thing, either. Her anger brought her to her feet.
"I can't believe this... how could she?" Buffy said, pacing back and forth in front of Willow. "Not just Tara, but Professor Walsh too! I've been working with her, with all of them... how could I not have known this? I should have known this..."
Buffy stopped her ranting when she looked over at Willow. Her ranting was not helping her best friend.
"Oh, Wil, I'm sorry," Buffy said, rushing back over to sit on the bed next to Willow again. "It'll be okay."
"No, it won't," Willow said, shaking her head. She spoke quietly. "I feel like my heart is broken."
"Wil, I know Tara's an important friend and all-"
"Tara's more than just a friend," Willow said, interrupting Buffy. She looked into the Slayer's eyes, and she waited.
Buffy stared back at her for a moment, and finally her eyes widened in recognition. Suddenly she understood what had been niggling in the back of her brain for so long. Willow spending so much time with Tara... the way they looked at each other... Willow spending the night at the blonde's... the almost euphoric feeling Buffy would sense any time she was near the two of them... why Willow was so upset about this...
"Oh, wow," Buffy said, allowing her brain to adjust to something she had known deep down for a long, long time.
Willow looked down at the carpet again, picking absently at the lint on her jeans. "Are you freaked?" she asked quietly.
"Huh?" Buffy responded. "No. Oh, no Wil, I'm not freaked." To emphasize the point, she picked up Willow's hand again, enfolding it into both of her own. She dropped her head down so she could meet Willow's eyes. "Willow, I am absolutely, positively, completely un-freaked, okay? You're my best friend... gay, straight, it doesn't matter. You're still you, and I love you."
Willow smiled gratefully. With all the turmoil inside her head, she didn't think she could have handled it if Buffy had rejected her.
"Tara and I are in love. Were in love. Are in love. I don't know anymore," Willow explained, shaking her head. "We didn't plan for it. It just happened."
Buffy just nodded and waited for Willow to continue.
"But Buffy... this is so much worse than when Oz left me," Willow said, her voice choked with grief. "I never... I loved Oz, but I never loved him the way that I loved Tara. I had no idea such love was possible... especially considering... I mean Tara and I... we never even slept together."
Buffy raised an eyebrow, thinking of all the nights Willow spent at Tara's.
"It's true," Willow said, responding to the look on Buffy's face. "We kissed and touched but never..."
"Do you think that means something?" Buffy asked.
"I don't know," Willow answered. "Tara said she wanted to wait until I was ready, and I just assumed that was true, but now... I wonder... maybe it was because Tara never really loved me at all."
Buffy started to protest, but Willow stopped her.
"I just... I am ready. I've been ready, you know? So last night I set up this whole romantic thing in Tara's room, and Tara... she still rejected me. She said no," Willow said, hanging her head down shamefully.
Buffy hated seeing Willow feeling so small and unwanted. She realized that she hadn't seen Willow act this way in months - not since she'd met Tara.
"What happened?" Buffy asked.
"She left," Willow said. "The phone rang and Tara left before I could find out what was going on... why she didn't want me."
Buffy thought about it for a minute, thinking back over how Tara always looked at Willow, how the two witches acted when they were together. She kicked herself for having been so blind for so long. She'd suspected something was going on, but she didn't let herself figure out what it was. She should have realized how in love they were.
"I don't think it's because Tara didn't want you, Wil," Buffy said. "Maybe there's another explanation?"
"What?" Willow asked, hating the note of hope in her voice. She didn't want to hope. Hope led to disappointment. No, she really didn't want to hope, an yet...
"I've seen how you two look at each other," Buffy said. "How she looks at you. I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge it before, but now... it seems so obvious how in love with you she was. But maybe... maybe she didn't want to sleep with you while she had all these lies hanging over her head? Like she didn't want to sleep with you under false pretenses?"
"You think?" Willow asked, still not wanting to hope, but finding herself hoping anyway.
"I honestly don't know, Wil, but it's a possibility," Buffy said. Willow nodded, and looked back down at the carpet. "Do you still love her?"
"I'm so angry at her," Willow said.
"But do you love her?" Buffy pressed, knowing Willow was avoiding the question.
"Buffy..." Willow said warningly, but with no malice.
Buffy squeezed Willow's hand and smiled gently. "Do. You. Still. Love. Tara?"
"Yes," Willow finally admitted. "I love her with all my heart. She's... she's my everything. She walks into the room and my knees go weak. I look into her eyes and I feel strong and confident and powerful. She takes my hand and I know that no matter how dark it gets, she's the light that will guide me. And when we kiss... Goddess, Buffy, it's magic."
Buffy listened - really listened - to what her best friend was saying. If Tara even felt half of what Willow so obviously felt...
"Do you think Tara meant to hurt you?" Buffy asked gently.
Willow pondered that for a moment. "No," she finally admitted. "I don't think she meant to hurt me. But how could she do what she did and think I wouldn't get hurt?"
"I don't know," Buffy said, desperately wanting to give her friend an easy answer that she knew didn't exist. "But maybe Tara just found herself on a road she couldn't get off of. Maybe she really did have good intentions, but things got out of control and she was so afraid of losing you that she was afraid to come clean?"
"That's no excuse for her lying to me," Willow said.
"No, it's not," Buffy agreed, "but maybe it is an explanation."
Willow thought about that for a while, just sitting there in silence with Buffy. Finally Buffy broke the silence.
"Do you want a second chance with Tara?" Buffy asked.
Willow didn't answer directly. Instead she asked, "Why are you being so supportive of Tara?" There was no hint of malice in her voice, just confusion and curiosity. She had expected a much different - much harsher - reaction from Buffy about what Tara had done.
"I'm not supporting her, Wil," Buffy explained. "This isn't about her. It's about you. I know you're hurting something fierce, and I would love nothing more than to take that hurt away. But I can't. All I can do is support you, and try to help you figure things out. And I know what it's like to give up a love that runs through your soul, and I don't want to see you go through that if there's a way things can work out."
"Angel?" Willow asked, though it was really more statement than question.
Buffy nodded. Time had helped, but the wound was still there. She shook off the still lingering pain, focusing on Willow.
"And from what you've said, and if Tara was telling you the truth, then she was trying to do the thing that was more right when there were only two wrongs for her to choose from. It sounds like she was torn between her duty and what she already felt for you, and she tried to make the best of it," Buffy said.
"But that doesn't make it right," Willow argued without any force behind her words.
"No, it doesn't," Buffy agreed. "But I'll take intention over action any day of the week."
Willow nodded, though she was more confused than ever.
"Look, Wil, I don't know if Tara was telling you the truth this morning," Buffy said. "I wish I did, but I don't. But I think... I don't know, it just seems like there might be more to what happened than she said."
"So you think she's still lying?" Willow asked.
"No, that's not what I meant," Buffy said. The last thing she wanted to do was upset Willow further. "It's just... you were obviously upset this morning, so maybe you weren't hearing all that she was saying. You told me she said she was trying to protect you. From what exactly?"
"I... I don't know," Willow admitted, realizing for the first time that she really didn't know. That part really hadn't made a lot of sense. She replayed the conversation over in her mind, and she remembered that she'd cut Tara off a few times...
"But if nothing else, please believe that I was trying to protect you. There's something going on-", Tara had said. But Willow had cut her off.
"Willow, I didn't tell her about us - the real us - because it's dangerous for you. Walsh-", Tara had said, yet again cut off by Willow.
What had Tara been about to say? Maybe it would explain what Tara had done, would justify...
"It doesn't matter," Willow said, pushing down her hope and letting her pain rise up once again. "She still lied. How will I ever be able to trust her again?"
"I don't know, Wil," Buffy answered honestly. "That's something only you can figure out. But what you need to decide is whether you love her enough to try?"
Willow looked at Buffy, letting the words really sink in. Did she love Tara enough to try? Did she love Tara enough to hope? To bare her heart once more? To risk everything?
At that moment, Willow really didn't know. So many thoughts swirled inside her head, so many emotions raged inside her soul - she just didn't know anything anymore.
"I need to go for a walk, clear my head," Willow announced suddenly, standing up and walking over to her closet.
"Oh, okay," Buffy said, a little surprised but understanding. "That's cool."
Willow pulled out a long, flowing skirt and her favorite peasant blouse. She caught Buffy's curious expression over her shoulder. "These clothes are from yesterday," she explained, pointing to the jeans and sweatshirt she was wearing. "They're all stinky. Pretty soon they'll be able to stand up and walk around on their own, without having to be possessed by a demon."
Buffy giggled and stood, cracking her knuckles as Willow changed clothes.
"A walk might do you good," she said. "Besides, I wanna go have a little chat with Professor Walsh anyway."
"No, don't," Willow said, her eyes widening just a little. "Maybe you should just leave it alone."
"No, I'm not going to leave it alone," Buffy said, her eyes glinting with the knowledge of how many ways she could throw Maggie Walsh across a room. She didn't think Giles would mind too much - he really didn't like Walsh, anyway. "She needs a good talking to. Someone's got to teach her that you don't play with people's lives like that."
"Fine," Willow agreed, taking a little pleasure in the thought of what "a good talking to" form Buffy would consist of. Then she remembered something else Tara had told her. "But Buffy? Please don't say anything about Tara and I being involved."
"Involved?" Buffy asked.
"You know... involved involved. In love? I don't know why, exactly, but Tara never told Walsh that part, and even though I'm mad at Tara... I don't know... I just wouldn't want Tara to get into trouble."
Buffy smiled. It was so like Willow to worry about Tara, even when the blonde had hurt her so badly. "Don't you think Tara's already going to be in trouble for having her cover blown?"
"Probably," Willow agreed. "But... I just don't want to make things any worse. If Walsh found out Tara lied to her..."
"Okay, Wil. I won't say anything to Walsh about you and Tara being together," Buffy said. "But I'm doing this for you, not for Tara."
"Thanks, Buffy," Willow said, walking over to the Slayer and taking her hand. "Thanks for everything."
"No thanks desired or required," Buffy said, pulling her friend into a long hug.
They broke apart and Buffy gave her friend a reassuring smile, letting Willow know that no matter what, Buffy would always be there for her. Willow grabbed her coat and the two friends walked out the door.
**************************
TBC with Part 20: The Least Likely Place
"Maybe I'll change my look, or cut class. You don't know! And I'm eating this banana, lunch-time be damned!" - Willow, Dopplegangland
by The Rose24 » Thu Nov 07, 2002 10:26 pm 
I knew Willow would be upset, but I didn't think she would be this upset.
s
at: 11/14/02 10:23:17 pm
at: 11/12/02 1:03:15 am
