Well, it looks like I spoke too soon. Actually, this update is a bit self-indulgent, so I hope you'll bear with me. Obviously I've been writing a lot of angst, and the worst bit is coming up soon. It gets a bit overwhelming, especially when I'm kind of upset anyway. Plus there's the plot issues which I still haven't resolved, so it may still be a little while. But...
I realized tonight that I wanted to explore Willow's reaction to Tara leaving, which I hadn't really planned on doing. In that context, I also realized I wanted to explore Tara's feelings and the conflict which is ripping her apart, but focusing on the love she has for Willow. Then it hit me how I could do that, without it being so too terribly angsty. And in this way, I could also give myself a little break and write straight from my soul.
So, with that.. I present a brief interlude, an extra chapter which I hope you'll enjoy. It made me feel a little better, anyway.
And Wolfie, Aimee... thanks.
-BB
Title: The Truth of Deception - Part 16.5: From the Soul
Author: blameburner
Feedback: Sure… Always a plus
Summary: AU, baby! So you all know by now... Tara is part of the Initiative. Plenty of questions remain, however, and the answers will be revealed... eventually.
Spoiler Warning: S4. Everything up to "Hush" is canon. After that, this story veers off. There will be some similarities to S4, but definite differences. Basically, if it happened after "Hush" on the show, assume it
didn't happen unless I mention it specifically.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but oh how I wish they were! Joss, blah, blah, ME, blah, blah.
Rating: Generally R, but some NC-17 (maybe). Just be prepared.
Pairings: W/T, of course.
Angst: I don't think this part is too bad, so I'll say 5.
Previously..."I'm sorry, Willow," Tara said. "I really have to go."
Willow just nodded, unwilling to trust her voice not to crack.
"I don't know how long I'll be," Tara said, backing up towards the door. "I might be gone all night, so you might as well go home. I'll call you when I get back."
"Promise?" Willow asked quietly.
"I promise," Tara said sincerely. "I love you, Willow."
And with that, Tara was gone, leaving Willow standing in the middle of the room. Alone.
Part 16.5A good five minutes after Tara had left, Willow was still standing in the middle of the room. The night had taken such a strange turn. Well, strange really wasn't the word for it, but Willow couldn't think about that now. Thinking about that would only make her cry, and she refused to cry.
She didn't understand what was going on. She didn't understand at all. Tara loved her. Willow knew that, no matter how much her head might want to say otherwise at the moment. Stupid brain, always confusing things. Her heart and soul knew that Tara loved her, because Tara was there, inside. Inside her heart. Inside her soul. Tara had walked into the depths of Willow and had become a part of her.
That's what made all of this so damned confusing. Tara loved Willow. Tara wanted Willow - at least, Willow had thought so. Tara had said so. But Tara had also said that they should wait until Willow was ready. Well Willow was ready, dammit! And yet Tara had still held back. The question was why?
Willow pulled her street clothes out of her book bag and started to change into them. She wasn't about to go running across campus in a slinky negligee. She pulled on her jeans and sweater, shoving the negligee into the bag. Then she went around the room and blew out all the candles, fighting back tears. She would not cry. She refused to cry.
She felt a bit guilty for even thinking about this. After all, Tara had left to go help out a friend, and it was obvious from the phone conversation that Tara was worried. When Willow had heard the tone of Tara's voice while on the phone, her own pain had been put on hold in favor of the blonde's. The last thing Willow wanted was to make things any harder on Tara than they already were, no matter how much Willow wanted - needed - to finish their conversation. To get an answer.
Willow sat down at Tara's desk. She reached out and ran her fingers over the books on the shelf above the desk, over the papers and books and notepads stacked neatly on the corner, over the pen that lay there, still with the cap off, ready to use. Touching Tara's things made Willow feel like she was closer to Tara, somehow.
Part of Willow was screaming at her, saying that she should just take the hint, that Tara didn't want her, couldn't want her. This was shy, geeky, insecure Willow rearing her ugly head, the Willow she had almost forgotten about since meeting Tara. Tara made her feel strong. Tara made her feel loved.
The other part of Willow fed off the love and strength, and pleaded with Willow to wait, to not jump to conclusions, to believe in their love. This was the outgoing, confident, secure Willow taking up arms against the girl Willow had been, the Willow she had become since meeting Tara. Her heart and soul was talking, and they were telling her to believe. To have faith. To trust.
Willow sighed in frustration and threw her head into her hands, resting her elbows on the desk. She inadvertently knocked a couple of books off the pile that had been sitting on the corner of the desk, hearing them fall to the floor. She slid off the chair and onto her knees, picking the books up and setting them back onto the pile.
Then her eyes fell to the last book on the floor. It looked to be a journal of some sort, and had fallen open to the first page. Willow noticed that what was written inside looked to be a poem, written in Tara's hand.
Willow stood up, starting to close the book, not wanting to intrude into Tara's private thoughts, but the date caught her eye. It was dated right around the time they had first met. Actually, when Willow thought about it, the poem was dated the very day they had first met. Well, not
met, exactly - but certainly the first day they had seen each other, the first day they had felt a connection, at the Wicca group.
Willow sunk slowly onto the desk chair and began to read.
Who can say
when light first glistens
off morning dew,
beckoning the world
to begin anew?
It's a simple thing, really.
A subtle thing.
Can you say just when
that moment is?
When it begins?
There is a beginning
to be sure, but...
does it matter?
The first time,
the last time...
the only time.
I feel it here
in my chest,
in my hands.
It's a miracle.
My miracle.
It has begun,
and that's all that matters.
That, and seeing you
again.
The next time...
I will speak your name.
To you.
Will that be a beginning, too?
Willow traced the page with her fingertips, smiling softly. She flipped to the next page, reading the words. Her love's words. She read one poem after another, and it became clear that each one, in its own way, was about her. About them. Her baby was writing about their love.
Willow couldn't stop reading. She had no idea that Tara wrote poetry. She had no idea... but she should have realized. Her baby had a poet's soul, Willow had always known that, whether Tara actually wrote a poet's words or not. Now it was clear that Tara had.
Tara was writing about their love. Yet she was also writing about something... else. As the poems grew more and more recent, there was an increasing sense of... foreboding. It wasn't overwhelming, just a hint, really. But it was there... a conflict, a pain, a fear. It was as if Tara was fighting herself, or maybe fighting... something else. Something that threatened her. Threatened them.
Willow read another poem, and then she read it again, the one called "10 Atmospheres."
There is danger everywhere.
I am at risk.
There is more to this
mindplay, this
throaty, ardent tale
than I can ever let loose
on a seeing world.
It's all inside,
in here.
There will be
no public consumption
no opening night
no fawning over my own
private fallacy.
It's all in me.
In here.
Except when it explodes
in my head and
shakes the stones,
my bones hum,
my blood moans,
the rush of it crushes me.
10 atmospheres and rising,
and everything slips.
And stops.
It's quiet inside.
In me.
You are there.
In here.
With me.
I see the glow,
the gently burning night
brushes my face.
Like silk blown over
cool skin.
Can I tell you now?
In here?
You already know.
You say yes
with an upward glance,
a whisper of a look
I hear echo a thousand times
stronger.
My hope is inside.
In here.
With you.
As is my love.
Willow felt a wetness on her cheek, and realized she was crying. There was such pain in Tara's words, and yet there was also such profound hope. Agony tempered by love. And Willow had no idea why.
Finally Willow reached the last poem in the journal.
I felt dizzy from the night and you,
the absence of space between us
setting the world on fire.
My world.
I closed my eyes and I could feel
the Earth's rotation inside my body,
with you as its axis.
Gravity seems awkward and
balance rests only on your eyes,
your hair,
your existence.
Can you feel the intensity pass from my lips
to yours,
carrying my love that seems so inadequate
but is all I have to give?
My breath is a comet's tail
and I,
the amateur astronomer,
search the horizon for tangible proof
that you
won't
leave
me.
If you walked away now
the universe would come undone,
and all that would remain
would be the memory of this moment,
lost in the brilliance of a super-nova.
So I offer you my lips again,
my own private battle against
the end of time.
I lie beside you and
I offer you this heart,
these hands,
this love.
I offer you all that I am.
And I wait.
Willow closed the book and set it gently back onto the stack of books on the corner of the desk. She ran her hand over the journal's cover, and she thought about the words she had read. Such beautiful words. So pure, so true.
Tara loved her. Tara was afraid of losing her.
Willow didn't know why Tara was afraid, but she would find out. She would wait. She would ask. She would demand. She would love.
But she wouldn't give up. Not without a fight.
Willow rose from the desk chair and walked over tot he bed. The only light came from the fairy lights and from the moon casting its soft glow through the window. Willow climbed onto the bed and curled up in the center.
She loved Tara, and Tara loved her.
So she would wait for her love to return.
*************************
TBC w/ Part 17: Revelations
"I feel like someone ran me down with a car, and then got out to give me a really great pair of shoes." - sassyeggsglobal
.
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. And of course she should die just for interupting Willow/Tara in the first place, heh.
done right, coz she sure deserves it! At least someone knows bout Tara's initiative self - even if its Riley whos also part of that whole game too. I really want Tara to tell Will - she must be so crushed! 
Great update BB, you are doing great with this story and I just love it. Your story is so different from the show yet so similar it is hard to keep things seperate...ie my question on the cameras. Should have picked up the little discrepancies that make your story different. (What can I say your storyline should be the one they did for the show. Intrigue, drama, passion, and suspence its got everything you could want.) So keep up the good and keep it coming.
WOLFLORD 
...so loving this. It's like suspence and mystery, with romance and drama... ok, again, I'll be quiet.
with more.
WOLFLORD 
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