Here's the next update.. It's a slight change in pace from the previous super-duper angst-y chapters, but I hope I was still able to maintain the dignity and respect of the situation.
All feedback--positive or negative--is welcome... I can take it!
I hope you like it... I also hope that I can hit 10000 hits by the next time I update.. about 150 to go!!!
A/N: It's Remembrance Day here in Canada, so I would like to dedicate this chapter to all those men and women--everywhere in the world--who serve their countries in times of need. Thank you for your bravery.
Replies to last chapter's feedback--
KioNewgo: You're words warm my heart. Thank you so much for your comments. I couldn't put it into words like you did, but that was my intention with this piece. Thank you! Hope you like this next part!
Zampsa1975: The professional help issue will be brought up in this next part.. hope it's handled properly. Thanks for leaving comments as always and for reading!
SMGOVAN: Thank you so much for your words... they are so true. Even though it is difficult to write about and I'm sure it is difficult to read about, it needs to be out there. Thank you so much, again, for leaving these words.
**********
Chapter 23: Throwing Stones
**********
The beach spread out ahead—gentle rolling hills dotted with grassy knolls, granite outcrops, and the foaming waves washing ashore. Hand in hand, Tara and Willow picked their way carefully over the ever-changing landscape, their eyes on the ground so as not to take a fall.
As they traversed out of the coverage of the dense woods to the open coastline, both women were lost in thought. Their reflections were not the same, but it all came back to that big pink elephant that was trotting along besides them.
I need to bring this up, Willow thought to herself.
I don’t have the resources or the background to fully help her with what is going on. How can I express that I still want to help and be there for her but also suggest that she should get a professional to aid in her recovery as well? Will I make things even worse if I say what’s on my mind? Can things even get any worse than they are now?
“Here we are,” Willow voiced releasing Tara’s hand from her grip. Both stood there in awkward silence as the roar of the waves brushed up against the rocks of the rolling cliffs surrounding the harbour. “The ocean,” she continued staring out at the dark aqua depths. She was still fighting internally over the decision to bring up the idea of going to therapy to Tara.
“Tar—“
“Will—“
To break the silence, both Tara and Willow began to speak at the same time lending another opportunity for a quietness to settle over them once again.
“Tara,” Willow started when she realized the blonde wouldn’t continue. “I’d really like to talk about something with you, but-but I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, of making things worse,” she admitted.
“Willow,” Tara quirked, “I th-think we’ve moved beyond skirting around things, don’t you think?” the blonde asked as she bent over to pick up a flat rock from the ground. The temperature had dropped exponentially over the past few days and she had to tug a little to release the stone from its perch.
Tara was obviously waiting for Willow to say what was on her mind. Here, next to the ocean, Tara felt the bravest. With its immensity spread out in front of her, Tara felt closer to a higher being. She felt brave.
“I-I want to help you, I want to help you so much, honey. But-but I’m afraid I’m in over my head.” Tara’s head snapped around at this admission. Her heart dropped in her chest; here it was, Willow was done with her. She didn’t know why that made her feel even worse than she had during bouts of anxiety, but it suddenly felt as though a thousand insects were trying to eat her from the inside out.
“I-I-I-I understand, W-Willow,” Tara sighed. Feeling the cold rock being squeezed in her clenched palm, the blonde looked into her hand and she remembered the rock. She took her feelings of worthlessness and pushed them into the crevices of the stone. Lifting her arm, Tara hefted the rock out towards the ocean, putting every ounce of strength behind her throw.
“Oh, good, you understand. Whew, that’s great, honey,” Willow wiped a metaphorical bead of sweat from her brow. Coming to from her obvious brain freeze, Willow did a double take on the words they just shared. Realizing she never got to the point where she suggested professional help, Willow’s breath caught in her throat when she made the logical jump to Tara’s assessment of the situation.
“
NO!” the redhead screamed as she grabbed the blonde by her upper arms. “I-I never even finished what I was saying. I-I was thinking that it might be helpful if-if we got you someone else to talk to about-about how you’re feeling and the-the coping and the thoughts. I’d-I’d still be here for you, to listen and to love and to help you heal, but I think you might need something more to balance out the healing process.” Willow trailed off letting go her grip on Tara’s arms, wondering how the blonde would take this revelation.
Tara bent at the waist again as her eye caught another flat stone that would fit perfectly in her hand. She retrieved her token and judged the distance to the water. She took in the redhead’s request and mulled it over. Before her silence could give Willow the wrong idea, Tara lifted her arm again, took a few skipping steps, and launched the embodiment of her fear of silence into the depths of the swirling frigid ocean.
The rocks that entered the ocean behind the force of Tara’s arm made her feel lighter with each snap of the wrist. She thought it was really surreal that throwing stones could make her feel so much better, like she was letting go of something that was weighing her down.
“Come sit with me,” Tara said over her shoulder as she made her way over larger stones and crept closer to the water. Finding a safe enough distance so as to be safe from the chilling splash of the water and waves rushing in, and also making certain that there were enough throw-able rocks surrounding her spot, Tara plopped down onto the beach and patiently waited for Willow to join her.
Willow made her way towards the sitting blonde. She was thrown for a loop with Tara’s reaction—expecting the worst and now getting a calm response. Sitting gingerly on a flattened section of ground, Willow searched the space around her looking for some pieces of the granite that Tara seemed to like. Handing a piece to the blonde, Willow waited for her to continue.
“I trust you, Willow. I don’t know why, inherently, but I do. I-I think it’s because you don’t know.” Shaking her head at her own inability to express her thought processes, Tara continued. “No, no, that’s not exactly right. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel like I have to be that person I was before around you, that I don’t have to live up to expectations that people have of me. My family and friends ‘know’ Tara Maclay—this persona that I created for the outside world, I guess, as a coping mechanism.” Looking over at the redhead who was sitting attentively and listening, Tara looked for reassurance.
“Is th-this making any sense at all? I have all these thoughts and ideas and emotions running around in my head and I’ve spent a lot of time in the past six weeks trying to figure this out. A-and this is k-kinda what I discovered: there are two Taras. N-not in the sense that I have d-dissociative identity disorder, just that I am one person on the outside and an entirely different person on the inside. I-I’m trying to bring them together so there’s only one of me. To be whole. I-I’m sick of being two people, Willow. It’s a lot of work,” the blonde admitted. “But, with you, I’m just me. And it feels absolutely wonderful,” Tara smiled at Willow. It was the first real smile—one that met those stunning blue eyes—that the redhead had seen since they’d been in Chicago.
Willow took Tara’s hand and raised it to her waiting lips. She placed reverent kisses on the back of her hand, being sure to avoid the abrasions that Tara’s earlier outburst had caused. Seeing the torn skin and the area still reddened by the blonde’s blood, Willow was brought back to her earlier question.
“It makes sense, honey,” Willow reassured the blonde, as she handed her love another stone to pitch into the water to join the billions of others that were swept into the ocean. Willow wondered if that particular rock would wash ashore halfway around the world and be victim to another hand, to another toss into the ocean, just as soon as it finally reached another shore. Selecting another rock, Willow examined it pondering its origins.
“Uh, um, so the help? Will-will you think about it?” Willow questioned quietly, almost fearing the blonde’s response. Tara shuffled closer to the warmth of the redhead’s body.
“Probably a good idea,” Tara admitted. “I guess it can’t make things any worse, right?”
“You’re so brave, baby,” Willow announced sending all of her love for Tara through her words. “Have I told you how proud I am of you? Of how strong you are? You are the most amazing woman on this earth, Tara Maclay.”
Tara blushed at the sound of utter adoration from Willow. She knew in this moment that breaking the silence, while terrifying and distressful, was going to be worth it because she finally had someone she could be whole with.
*******
The sun was setting over the horizon and the peaks of the craggy cliffs in the distance were dusted by the last specks of sunshine. Burnt orange streaks of color burst over the surface of the ocean, now settled into a silent, calm state. It was the first time either woman had seen the ocean at rest. It was jarring and sublime in its sleep.
They made their way back over rolling hills filled with rocky edges, being careful in the dimming daylight of their steps. Tara, with a pocketful of stones that she had liberated from the beach, was hampered by the weight that swayed her unsteadily over the terrain. She couldn’t let those earthly shards go just yet, though. Each would have to be examined, dissected, and analyzed before they could join their mates at the bottom of the sea.
And she was okay with that.
******
Spotlights dotted the distance as Willow and Tara entered the compound hand in hand. Night had fallen quickly and an inky blackness had set in. Although she couldn’t see the ocean from their position, Tara knew the stars sparkled on its surface, giving light to the creatures below.
Halting on the threshold of the marked boundary, Tara stood a minute and took stock of how she was feeling.
Sweaty palms, check. Increased heartbeat, okay. Sluggish movements. Physically, my body is saying NO NO NO! But I’m aware, I know why I’m feeling this way so I can push through it. Willow’s here, I want to heal, I have to take these steps. Okay, Maclay. Take a rock out of your pocket and push all of your tensions into. The blonde removed a small stone that was about the size of a bottle cap. Thinking that she might need the larger rocks for when things were really unbearable, Tara squeezed the jagged stone in her fist until she could feel the bite of the edges leave a liberating prick of pain.
Okay, here it goes, the blonde thought as she turned with her arm cocked to throw.
Take flight, little rock. Be free..
Willow had waited with abated anxiety as Tara stopped moving towards the compound. She wouldn’t push her, but if this attempt resulted in anything similar to the last one, she would be forced to pack them back into the car and drive back to the city. The redhead’s curiosity was piqued when she saw what the blonde was doing with the rock. Smiling broadly at her girl’s ingenuity, Willow waited for Tara to throw her rock and then threw her arm around the now steady blonde.
“Let’s go in, baby,” Willow said as she pulled the blonde closer.
*******
Willow managed to get Tara inside the compound, and through the many common rooms, without much hassle. They had successfully avoided the supper ritual and mostly everyone was socializing in the TV room or in their bunkrooms working on reports or just relaxing after a long day. Tara was slightly relieved at the lack of masses, but she was a little disappointed that she didn’t get the chance to interact with some new people.
They continued walking until they neared the end of the building. Taking a left turn and coming to the last door in the hall, Willow chivalrously swept open the door to her room and led Tara inside.
“Welcome home, honey,” Willow joked as Tara crossed the threshold. She closed the door behind her and unceremoniously dropped to the unmade bed throwing her arms over her face.
“Ugh, it’s been a long day,” she moaned. “It’s hard work being slightly insane,” she added hoping to get a chuckle out of the redhead. When she was met with nothing but silence, Tara peeked out between her arms and noted the silence coming from the other side of the room. Willow had sat down on the edge of the room’s one chair and stared in disbelief at the blonde on the bed.
“Um, sweetie?” Tara questioned. “I-I was making a j-joke. You know, ha-ha funny, you’re supposed to l-laugh after?” Tara said as she rose from the bed and made her way over the redhead. Kneeling on the floor in front of Willow she placed her hands on the redhead’s knees.
“Willow? I-Is everything okay? You’re all with the quiet and us-usually I have to use my wily charm to get you to stop babbling. I-I’m a little worried about you,” Tara admitted trying to catch the redhead’s eyes. Red locks were hiding the green eyes that she loved to get lost in. Pushing aside the barriers, Tara locked her eyes on Willow’s.
“Willow?” she questioned plaintively.
Willow eyes locked on the deep blue ones in front of her and she was struck at the utter strength and beauty she found there. Here was this woman—her woman, her love—who was so damn resilient and brave that she faced each day with an outlook that she would get better, that things would get better, even though she had known nothing but isolation and abuse for much of her life. She loved the tenacity and courage she saw expressed in those expressive cerulean eyes and couldn’t help but quirk her lips in a smile.
“I’m-I’m sorry, baby,” Willow admitted sheepishly. “It was a joke and-and I didn’t laugh, but I’m still trying to-to get used to everything. So if I don’t laugh at your jokes that have to do with your turmoil and the effects of the abuse, it is because I-I’m still processing. Trying to come to terms with it myself, okay? Maybe in a few weeks—or months or years—I’ll be able to laugh with you—maybe—but right now I’m finding it hard to see the humour in this,” she admitted.
Tara took Willow's explaination in and she could understand the redhead's apprehension.
“It’s how I deal, Willow,” Tara admitted ruefully. “It may be tacky and inappropriate and just altogether tasteless, but it’s a thing I do.” She shuffled closer on her knees so that her arms took up residence on the redhead’s thighs. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again—like I said, it’s a habit, but I can try and cut back on the self-flagellation, okay?” she stated rubbing her hands up and down the tops of Willow’s legs in a soothing gesture.
“Okay,” the redhead complied trapping Tara’s hands with her own, halting the motion. She brought her hand gingerly up to the blonde’s cheek and rubbed her thumb gently over the velvety skin just below those blue eyes that captivated her. She waited for a sign from Tara that her actions were welcomed and upon feeling the slight pressure of Tara’s face under her hand leaning into the caress, Willow leaned down to place a soft sweet kiss on her receptive lips. Slowly brushing back and forth, keeping the contact light yet sensuous, Willow reaped in the sensation that was Tara. She began to lean back from the contact when she felt herself want more—cognizant of the blonde’s still fragile state of mind.
Tara, conversely, wanted to keep those lethal lips attached to hers, so she moved forward with Willow’s backward motions, keeping contact.
“More,” she growled as she crawled her way up from the floor and into the redhead’s lap. The taste of Willow’s lips was entrenching into the blonde’s soul and she just couldn’t get enough. She shifted so that her knees straddled the redhead. Taking auburn tresses within her greedy hands, Tara deepened the kiss, bringing her tongue out to sweep across parted lips. Willow hesitated for half a frenzied heartbeat before bringing her hands up to clutch at Tara’s face, opening her mouth to receive the blonde’s probing tongue.
“Ohhh, yes,” Tara groaned as she tried to get even closer. She lifted her body higher and scooted closer. Coming down, both women moaned at the contact that pelvis against pelvis provided. Willow couldn’t help but push up into the blonde’s grinding hips, both women starting a rocking motion that only served to fuel the fire that first kiss had ignited.
Both were swimming in blissful sensations. Tara’s lips detached reluctantly from Willow’s as she made her way across the redhead’s jawline to her neck. Willow’s initial groan of protest at the loss was replaced by a guttural whimper as the blonde began to nibble down her neck. Finding the blood beating wildly in Willow’s pulse point, Tara couldn’t stop herself from taking it into her mouth and sucking ferociously knowing full well it would leave an obvious mark when she was done.
Tara moved her hands from where they had been attached to the back of Willow’s head and frantically darted between their bodies to take the hem of the redhead’s shirt. She yanked it out of her waistband and up the thin body without breaking her ministrations.
Feeling her inhibitions lower even further, Willow snaked her hands under the blonde’s shirt and swiped her hands over the bare skin that she found there. She needed more. They both needed more. Each moment they'd shared, from the time that they had met on the doorstep to Buffy’s brownstone, had let to this.
“Bed. Bed, now,” Tara moaned as she extracted herself from Willow, taking the redhead from the chair and pushing her towards the still unmade bed. She reached down her body and ripped her shirt from her body, bringing her arms around to unhook her plain cotton bra. Willow stopped her crash course towards the bed and caught Tara before she could unwrap what the redhead saw as her Christmas morning surprise.
“Not-not that I’m not totally and unequivocally enjoying this little strip without the tease, but I-I want to treasure this moment forever and unwrap you piece by piece,” Willow breathed as she sidled up, bringing her closer to the blonde’s exposed torso. Their bra clad breasts rubbed wantonly together and they mutually groaned their pleasure at the sunburst of pleasure that arched through their touching bodies.
“Heaven,” Tara whispered as her hands were reluctantly released and her bra intact. “Make love to me, Willow,” she pleaded.
*******
TBC.... Sorry for leaving it there.. I'm not entirely sure what I want to happen next... and I thought it was a good place to leave it
by Zampsa1975 » Sat Nov 06, 2010 9:07 am 
.. funny! I love nothing more than getting updates through email--whoever came up with that lovely invention should get a great big pat on the back.. I always have my iPhone with me so I LOVE getting those little pings that signal an update to a new story (or feedback on mine 
)
) Sorry you had to stay up when you had to work, but glad it was worth it! 
Thanks for your kind words! I hope you like this next part too....
Thanks for your comments--this is a very angst-ridden storyline and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. Being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse is often a journey filled with denial, acceptance and relapses, unfortunately. I will try to stay as true as possible to these experiences for Tara so to give the topic its due respect and diligence.Healing will happen, for sure, with both women. Hope you like this next part!
D:
Willow IS defintiely in it for the long haul.... I think it is important to get her feelings and fears out there, though, if they are to work through this as a team. Even though Tara is the one experiencing the vast brunt of the situation, Willow's position as her partner and confidant is important too. Thanks so much for your comments and for reading! Hope to hear from you again!
who has read/is reading this story. Please leave me some comments on what you think... You can PM me if it's something you don't want on the thread... I welcome every comment/concern/query....
