Changing your Goals (AU) (Update May 18, 2011)

[Codyteddyh]

The note was in true Willow fashion and I loved it. Great update and hopefully more updates soon.

Cody

[love_2003]

Looking forward to the Willow/Tara interaction.

[abarda]

Willow's letter made me laugh.
I hope they'll be together again soon.

[Cyteach]

I have another update for you! Thanks again to everyone who continues to read! This part doesn't have a lot of W/T interaction, but I thought it was necessary to build up their lives apart before I could put them together again.... Hope you're not too disappointed.

rhh21: Glad there was no tears this time! I think I need to give you guys a break from all of the sadness! I hope to move the story to more happy lines before too long! I'm glad you liked Willow's letter.. I struggled with what it was going to say for a long time...

Zampsa1975: I like your idea about sending someone to Buffy... I will definitely keep that in mind! This part covers the meeting with Dawn and Donald...hope you like it!

Willowtree252: Gotta love wifi cafes! I know what it's like trying to find a spot.. I'm glad I had something up here for you to enjoy after going through all of that trouble to check! I'm trying to develop both WIllow's and Tara's journey now in the next few updates... hope you like it!

angie86: I did a little more development with Tara's father in this part based on your comments.. I hope I was able to capture him the way that I was intending...Glad you're still reading and hope you like this next part!

Codyteddyh: I thought it would be extremely challenging to capture the essence of Willow in a note.. so I struggled with the writing of this part... glad you liked it!

love_2003: There's not a lot of W/T interaction in this post... there is a little exchange between them, but I promise at least a shared phone call between our girls in the next post!

abarda: Glad you liked the note! THanks for reading!

Chapter 12: "You can leave home all you want, but home will never leave you"

Disclaimers: Same as always

Note: the title for this chapter comes from a quote by Sonsyrea Tate

************

Being an adult kinda creeps up on you when you least expect it. Not the age thing--birthdays are kind of hard to miss being your special day and all. But that moment when you realize that your thoughts and deeds and actions occur because they NEED to, well that moment of realization can be quite overwhelming.

When do you start living your life with the concerns of others overshadowing your own desires? When does the greater good replace the id's desires of immediate gratification?

Tara pondered these philosophical meanderings as she pulled onto the beaten dirt pathway of her father's farm. The transition into adulthood was not something she could pinpoint happening consciously but the events of the past few months guided her into understanding herself and her thought processes more clearly.

It was a Monday so Tara was not expecting her little sister to be sitting impatiently in the front porch swing awaiting her arrival. She should have been in school. Ready for a lecture on the importance of education, Tara opened her mouth to speak but all semblance of words were cut off when she was embraced in a tight hug.

"I know, I know, I should be in school. But I declared this Monday in October to be The Prodigal Daughter Returns Day, so don't hassle me too much, okay?" Dawn's words were spoken into the crevice of Tara's neck as she continued to hold onto her sister.

"Hey sis. Let me get a good look at you," Tara said holding Dawn at arm's length. "You're growing like a weed."

"I am blooming like a rose, not a weed if you feel the need to use floral similes," she insisted. "I still have my thorny side," she admitted.

"God, it's so good to see you, Tara. Don't stay away this long again, okay? Or at least let me come visit you and Lana sometime. I know she's not my biggest fan, but I promise I can behave and act cordially if she can."

Tara’s grip tightened around Dawn as she sighed. There were a lot of things the sisters needed to catch up on—perhaps the most pertinent one being her newly single status—but she decided she needed to see her father first before getting into a long drawn out tirade with her little sister.

“Where’s Daddy?” Tara asked changing the topic subtly. “Is he in the barn or out in the fields?”

“It’s eleven, Tare, you know he’s out in the fields. His routine never varies, not even on special holidays such as this one. He’ll be in soon for his lunch. Why don’t I brew you some tea and we can catch up, okay?” Dawn guided her sister in the house with a firm arm around her waist. Tara had just returned and there was no way she was going to relinquish her idol so soon to anyone.

“Okay, sweetie. Tea sounds great.” Entering into her childhood home caused memories to flood back to Tara in snippets. Reading on the front porch; sneaking down to the living room early on Christmas morning; bringing Dawnie home from the hospital; greeting her mother after a long day at school. The smell and the ambience had not changed since she last stepped foot in the house, but she certainly had. Gearing up to share her news with Dawn, she sat in the old wooden chair in the kitchen in the exact same place she had always sat growing up.

“Dawnie, there are some things I have to tell you. But before I do, I want you to know that I love you and I promise I will do my best to always be there for you. I know I haven’t been the greatest big sister in the world, but I plan on rectifying that starting right now.” Tara shifted in her seat as Dawn brought two steaming mugs of herbal tea to the table and sat down next to her sister.

“Oh my God, Tara. What’s wrong? What happened? Is it Daddy? Is he sick? Are you sick? Are we broke? For god’s sake woman! Tell me before I have a heart attack!”

Tara couldn’t help but smile at her sister’s dramatics. Being a teenager often meant that the worst possible things constantly ran through you head, lurking in the midst waiting to attack at an unsuspecting moment. “Dawn, calm down; no one is sick and no, we’re not broke... well, I don’t think we are anyway.”

“Jeez, way to scare a girl half to death. Why do you have to be so dramatic and obscure with your news?” She added three heaping spoonfuls of sugar to her already sweet herbal tea and Tara inwardly cringed at the idea of the future cavities.

Not know exactly where to start or how much to censor, Tara waited a moment to gather her thoughts. Sensing she had to come wholly clean with her sister, she began telling the tale of her break-up with Lana. She included the cheating parts and the heartbreak parts and but she tried to focus on the growing and learning parts. In revealing her private life, Tara hoped to spare Dawn the hurt and loss that went along with the experiences that she had lived through.

“So I guess I’m kind of starting over. Again. By myself. Alone. Huh, I guess it’s finally sinking in for me,” Tara rambled half to herself. The realization of the great feat that she had encompassed was starting to overwhelm the blonde. Not wanting to upset her sister and desperately needing some alone time to process, Tara pushed up and away from the table.

“D-dawn, I n-need... I’m going to take a walk and get some a-air, okay?” Tara ran from the house without waiting for a response. Dawn had no choice but to acquiesce to her sister’s statement and she sat staring out the kitchen window overlooking the small herb garden that her mother had planted and she herself re-planted each year.


*****

Walking aimlessly through the garden paths near her father's house, thoughts of her new life bombarded Tara. What if she failed? What if all of this newfound bravery was merely a phase that she was going through and when the time came to actually follow through with it she balked? Isn't that what she was doing now? Balking at the utterly terrifying nature of the entire situation? Why had she wholly thrown her life away anyway? Was it to fulfill some fruitless childhood fantasy of being a writer? Didn't everyone have dreams that they had to relinquish anyway? Not everyone could be a rock star or an astronaut, so what gave her the idea that she could just be a writer because that is what she wanted? What made her so special that she could leave everything behind--a home, a career, a partner—just so that she could see the world and live without constraints?


Her head hung low—a posture she had discarded once she had left the restricting grasp of her hometown but one that had returned so quickly. The smell of fresh country air went unnoticed as Tara was lost in her own cloud of confusion and despair. Before she knew what was happening, she had made her way down to the barn. Looking up in surprise at her location, she eased the heavy double door open and slipped inside.


Dust motes floated in the air as they were captured and illuminated by beams of sunlight entering the enclosure through the upper windows. She could hear the neighing of the nearby horses and suddenly her resolve shifted once again—maybe she was just mentally unstable and unable to reach a decision without constantly bickering about it with herself in her head. That was it: she was just clinically insane.


Walking slowly and hesitantly so not to scare any of the animals, Tara made the rounds of the barn peeking in occasionally at some of the horses and tried to gather her wits.


Just as she was getting ready to head back into the house to help Dawn prepare dinner, Tara heard a faint beeping noise and she wondered what in the barn could possibly make such a sound. It was only after the noise was accompanied by a vibrating sensation that she finally clued in that it was her cell phone indicating a text message had been received.


Tara removed the device from the front pocket of her faded and torn jeans and flipped it open. Seeing the sending number at the top coupled by the name Willow Rosenberg made her tummy flip in anticipation for the message it contained.


Tara’s hands flew over the buttons in a series of movements bringing the text message up on the screen:

Hi Tara. I’ve arrived. Hope you are doing
Well. I miss you. If you need to talk about
Anything I’m here.

Before Tara could get the chance to respond, Willow sent another message.

Fact 10: I’m kinda psychic: I KNOW you can
Do this. Have some faith in yourself and
Your abilities. <3 Willow

Grinning at the redhead’s humor and slightly startled by her ability to know just what she was thinking, Tara quickly typed a response.

Thank you for the letter. I loved it. I don’t
Know how you do it, but you always know just
What to say.. Can I call you later?

Tara anxiously awaited Willow’s response. She wondered where exactly it was that the redhead went to work on her dig. Picturing Willow in some stereotypical archaeological clothing, Tara smirked as she placed a safari hat on her imaginary Willow to complete the picture. When her images began to remove the clothing, Tara shook herself out of her revive and checked her phone again. She clutched the phone close to her heart after she read Willow’s response:

You can call me day or night...Anytime, anywhere.
Just know that you are always in my thoughts
And you are always in my heart.

It was with uplifted spirits that Tara exited the barn and made her way back to the house.

********

Falling into a familiar routine, Dawn and Tara quietly prepared lunch for their father. Sandwiches were made, soup was warmed, and a fresh batch of iced tea was cooling in the refrigerator. Dawn did not want to make things even worse for her sister, so her usual bratiness was waylaid for the time being. She let the thoughts of her sister’s life run through her mind. She decided then and there that she would do her best to be strong for Tara and to think about her needs first.


“Tara? Do you need anything else for the table?” Dawn asked from her position inside the fridge—she was searching for the homemade pickles that she had bottled last fall.


“No, I think this is good, Dawnie.” Tara was preoccupied with the upcoming meeting with her father. Thoughts of his reaction to her being home were running the gauntlet from him refusing to even see her all the way up the scale to him throwing her a welcome home party. Pushing away possibilities, Tara heard the back door swing open and movement in the mudroom adjoining it.


“Dawn? Who owns that eye sore parked out front? What did I tell you about having people over to the house when I’m not here?” Donald Maclay’s voice was hardened with age, and stern, but Tara could detect a layer of love permeating underneath the chastisement.


“In here, Daddy! Lunch is ready.” Dawn did not want to respond to the questioning lest she give away the surprise of Tara’s arrival.


“What’s that smell?” I thought we were just going to warm up last night’s supper for lunch today, Pumpkin.” Donald’s eyes searched the kitchen table and the stove and back to the table again. There were three places set out on the small wooden table.


“H-hi Daddy,” Tara spoke softly from her position at the back of the kitchen. She watched a number of different emotions fly swiftly through her father's mind before his face settled into a welcoming smile.


“Tara! What brings you out to our parts? And in the middle of the week, no less. I thought you were busy teaching those hellions in the big city.” As soon as his words were spoken Donald immediately ran through the negative possibilities that would bring his eldest daughter back to the place that she had left without remorse so many years ago.


Seeing the fear settling on her father’s weathered face, Tara quickly reassured him that everything was fine. “I’m fine Daddy. I-I quit my job and-and I’m just stopping by here to see you and Dawnie before I leave. I’m going to try and write the book that I’ve always wanted to write. And I thought there was no better time than right now to do it.” Tara wondered if her ideas were sounding as crazy to her family as they were to her as they came flying out of her mouth.


“What about that-that woman.? Laura?”


“Lana, Daddy. I left her. She’s going to stay in Chicago. It didn’t work out between us.” The wheels were turning in her father’s mind at this possibility—she could see it all over his face. “No, Daddy, I’m still 100% certifiably gay. I just don’t want to be with her anymore.”


Donald shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as the talk turned to things that he knew absolutely nothing about. He felt that the relationships that Tara sought out were unnatural—he was a farmer after all and seen the need for breeding and cross pollination first hand. Happy that his daughter was home he pushed all other thoughts from his mind.


“Lunch’s ready!” Dawn said standing near the stove. She had been trying to remain inconspicuous during this exchange to allow Tara and her father to have a private interaction of sorts. She knew that he did not approve of Tara’s sexuality, but she also understood that her father loved both of his daughters deeply—he was just not familiar with things that were outside his scope of understanding.


As the reunited Maclay family sat down to a robust lunch, each individual member kept the small talk going as they tried to catch up with each other. Dawn espoused about her run-ins with the teachers and students at the local high school, Donald commented on the harvest that was just finished, and Tara shared her plans for her upcoming journey. Despite their separation, the conversation flowed around the sunlit kitchen as a cool fall breeze blew in from the open window.

********

Willow was still reeling from her conversation with Tara. Well, I can’t really call it a conversation, can I? Willow thought to herself playing with the nuances of the idea of technological and digital interactions. Stopping herself in the midst of a mind-babble, she plopped down onto her camp mattress which was the only furniture in the small room that she had claimed for herself in the lodge that was holding the majority of the dig team.


Her bags were still lying just inside the door where she placed them after the long drive from the airport. She only took the time for a quick bathroom break when she arrived before she immediately made contact with the blonde goddess that filled her head and her heart, not wanting to go another moment without some sort of interaction with Tara.


I wonder what she wants to talk about. I hope it’s nothing bad like regretting that sweet kiss we shared. Umm, those lips. Willow felt a stirring in her tummy and lower still when she recalled their parting in Chicago. Holding onto the warmth and the memories, she quietly fell into a deep sleep, exhausted from the flight and the long drive that followed. Images of sapphire eyes and and deep golden hair filled her mind as her brain shut off from sheer exhaustion.

********

TBC.... hope it didn't suck too much!

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... I'm glad that Papa Maclay was reasonably ok with Tara being at home... Can't wait for Tara call to Willow... I kinda hope that sometime in the future when Willow & Tara are together, when they go on digs Tara helps Willow by documenting the finds...

[angieb86]

That was beautiful.

I absolutely LOVED IT!

It reminded me a lot of my situation with my dad right now...Both of my adoptive parents are Baptist ministers, so the whole homosexuality issue really gets to them. But they always supported me and they always treated my partners respectfully. . .even when they shouldn't have, lol.

And those texts? Gahh, makes me wish I had someone to text me cute little messages. . .Being single SUCKS!

Great update and I can't wait for the phone call!

~Angela

[Alex_Vixen]

ANOTHER GREAT UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant wait for the phone call as well!! *tries to make naughty thoughts go away* sorry, hot W/T, phones..gives me ideas... lol...

[Taralover]

Another well written fic bit from you, and a long bit too.

[rhh21]

no suckage!
Willow was sweet.
I like the idea of Dawn as Tara's sister.
I love this fic!
Rhiannon x

[love_2003]

Awesome update! Glad that Tara is able to spend time with her family before going on her journey. Looking forward to Willow and Tara's conversation.

[abarda]

Great update.
I liked Tara's father, although he doesn't exactly accept the fact that she's gay. And it's nice that Dawn is Tara's sister.
Hum, I wonder what Tara wants to talk about with Willow...
Please, more!

[taysla]

Update...


I love Dawn be Tara's sister..

Now, what Tara will talk about with Will???

Update more...

[taralicious]

Dawn as Tara's sister lends itself as well to Tara's maternal instincts as if she were Buffy's sister.
Nice to see a variation of Donald Maclay who is likeable and not a complete backwoods inborn redneck bastard.
Willow's letter to Tara was beautiful and touching and should give Tara the confidence she needs to complete her introspective journey.

[Bewitchedyke]

Seems as though I allowed life to interfere with leaving feedback again... Sorry

I love the chapters! Willow's letter was adorable and totally her. I also enjoyed the well timed text message... it's awesome when someone sends you exactly what you need to "hear" exactly when you need to "hear " it. My Bestset does it to me all the time LOL.

Anyway, I love it... I'll try to keep up better! I can't wait to see what this story has in store!

[Cyteach]

Hi all! I'm BACK !

so sorry for the total lack of posting here.. Life kinda got in the way and... well, that's all I have

I'm hoping to keep up with this story until I have it all finished. There's so much more I want to write and post here for this fic and it is no where near done. I have the next installment ready to go for you....

I had trouble with this section.... It brings up some disturbing issues--albeit in reference only right now-- so beware.

Hope there's still some people out there who want to read this! And sorry again for the delay

C.

Chapter 13: Coming to Terms

Disclaimers--see above

********
Willow was still reeling from her conversation with Tara. Well, I can’t really call it a conversation, can I? Willow thought to herself playing with the nuances of the idea of technological and digital interactions. Stopping herself in the midst of a mind-babble, she plopped down onto her camp mattress which was the only furniture in the small room that she had claimed for herself in the lodge that was holding the majority of the dig team.

Her bags were still lying just inside the door where she placed them after the long drive from the airport. She only took the time for a quick bathroom break when arriving before she immediately made contact with the blonde goddess that filled her head and her heart, not wanting to go another moment without some sort of interaction with Tara.

I wonder what she wants to talk about. I hope it’s nothing bad like regretting that sweet kiss we shared. Umm, those lips. Willow felt a stirring in her tummy and lower still when she recalled their parting in Chicago. Holding onto the warmth and the memories, she quietly fell into a deep sleep, exhausted from all of her travelling.

******

After lunch, Tara unpacked the contents of her car. There were things that she took from her Chicago home that she did not need when she hit the road. Her college degree, family photos, and a plethora of books had to find a new place. With a plan forming in her mind as to where she wanted to go and the things she would need along the way, Tara walked into her old room and tried to fit everything she had into the small space.

Before long, the sun had fallen lower in the sky and Tara had finally packed away everything that she would not need. She took her phone out of her pocket and thought of Willow. She thumbed through the contact list and finally came across the number. With little hesitation, she pressed send and waited for the redhead to pick up on the other end.

Willow was still soundly sleeping hours later when her phone began playing “Bette Davis Eyes.” Popping up out of bed at the personalized ringtone that she had set up to indicate Tara’s call, she fumbled around in the dark trying to find the phone.

Finally finding the offending electronic, Willow flipped it open and said “Hello” in a sleep-roughened voice.

“Hey you,” the melodic voice of Tara came back at her bringing an immediate smile to Willow’s impish face.

“Did I wake you?” Tara asked hesitantly. She still did not know where the redhead had travelled to and as a result didn’t know whether it was the middle of the night or day time there.

“Um, well, kind of. I just basically conked out after texting with you. You know weariness of jet lag and travel and all of that. But it’s okay, I was hoping you would call soon. Well, as I was sleeping I didn’t really have a concept of actual time, but I know that I fell asleep thinking about you and your call and...You really need to stop me when I get on a ramble like this. I can’t actually stop on my own.”

Tara’s laugh filled the receiver as she pictured the reddening face of Willow after her babble. “I think I’d have a good way to stop those rambles if I was there with you.” The insinuation in her voice did not lead to any misinterpretations on Willow’s part.

“Oh, um, well yeah, I think that would work,” Willow answered breathlessly.

Feeling the moisture pooling between her legs at Tara’s overt flirtation, Willow hastily changed the subject in an attempt to control herself.

“So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” Willow got straight to the point.

“Well, there were a few things, but I kind of just wanted to hear your voice.” Tara paused and listened to Willow breathing on the other end. Knowing that the redhead was waiting patiently for the true reason of her phone call, she took a deep breath and admitted, “I’m having second thoughts, Will.”

“Second thoughts? About us? The kiss? You don’t want to see or talk to me again, do you? I knew it! No one as beautiful and perfect as you could ever see something in me, plain old Willow. I should have stayed. I should have followed you, I knew it...”

Willow’s rant was cut off abruptly by the sound of quiet laughter on the other end of the phone. “Willow? Sweetie? Take a deep breath, okay? That’s not what I meant when I said ‘second thoughts.’ Umm, maybe I should be more concise. After all, I want to be a writer and the whole clear reasoning thing often works well when writing. Otherwise the reader would have no clue about what’s going on...Oh my god, it’s contagious!” Tara firmly clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the relentless flow of words that were spewing forth.

It was Willow’s turn to chuckle as Tara lost track of her point. “Sorry. I tend to be a bad influence. So, you’re second thoughts?” Willow trailed off to give the blonde the opportunity to put forward her intentions.

“Well, you see, I was wondering what gave me the right to just throw everything away—everything I’ve ever worked towards—and give myself a second chance. I mean, everyone has dreams, things they want to do and see, but life interferes sometimes, you know? Work becomes a priority and then you meet someone and settle down. Things are bought and a whole new network of responsibilities crop up. I was, I don’t know, thinking that I was being awfully presumptuous in my decisions leading up to right now.”

Willow waited patiently from her prone position on her camp bed as Tara finished her tirade. Knowing that the blonde needed to vent her feelings without interruption, she held her tongue until the only thing she could hear on the other end of the receiver was a soft exhalation.

“Tara, that’s a good point, but you weren’t happy. And it is that happiness that should be your first and only priority. It’s your life, your decision. You have to live with yourself and if you think that this journey is going to be the fulfillment of your peace with yourself, you’d be foolish not to jump into it with both feet. Yes, people make sacrifices and settle down. But if has to be the right situation and the right person. Some people never settle down—they can’t throw that sense of adventure away. You have to find out what’s right for you and your life. No one but you can decide that.”

Tara patiently waited for Willow to finish talking before taking completely before she took in what the redhead said. Happiness. Inner Peace. My life. My decision. She could see the logic in the argument and wondered how the redhead could make her feel so calm with her words.

“Tara?” Willow questioned as the silence settled between their conversation.

“I’m here. Just thinking…digesting what you said. You put forth a very convincing argument, Dr. Rosenberg,” Tara said was a grin in her voice. “I can’t imagine anyone turning you down for funding or debunking your findings.” Tara needed time to take in all of what Willow was and was not saying so she turned the conversation in a safer area.

“Well, I am world renowned for my charm and winning personality,” Willow joked getting comfortable in her bed.

Both women talked for about an hour—not really about anything in particular, just getting to know each other and sharing in the comfort of talking to each other. Willow did not ask Tara of her plans, nor did she push for more time with the blond. She meant it when she told Tara she would wait for her to do whatever it was she needed to do before beginning anything serious.

On the other hand, Tara’s confidence in her decision to start over again was solidifying in her mind and she was coming to terms with the path she was going to take. It was her life and her dream and she would be brave enough to take on the world.

Leaving the warmth and contentment of her conversation with Willow, Tara bid farewell to the redhead with the promise of checking in with her within a week’s time. She lay on the bed in her childhood room and contemplated the beautiful woman who had come to mean so much to her in such a short time.

Would there be room for Willow in her life after she had found herself?

*******
Tara’s obstacles were personal. They were deep and they hurt and sometimes she could think of nothing else. In order to achieve anything, Tara first had to change her attitude and outlook on life—to show herself that she was worthy and beautiful and that she deserved to have a different fate.

Some experts say that childhood victims of sexual molestation live their entire lives in a bubble surrounded by guilt and shame. Some say they become aggressive and lash out. Sometimes they are so ashamed that they feel like no one can understand and nothing in the world can make the pain and terror go away.

Since the age of twenty, Tara had been trying to come to terms with her experience as a survivor of childhood sexual assault. Before that, Tara’s subconscious blocked out the painful recollections that swamped her earliest memories. She pretended it didn’t hurt. She pretended it didn’t matter. She pretended she was stronger than the experience.

It was only with an acceptance of her inner turmoil that Tara could begin to heal; to move on from the pain and become whole again.

The long and rocky path to recovery forked right now. Tara’s decisions were based on staying in her relationship with Lana and continuing along in a life that wasn’t quite bad but that wasn’t quite good either. Instead, Tara threw her normally cautious actions out of a speeding car and took the path that could lead her to true healing and happiness.

******
TBC... It'd get great to hear what you guys think!

[Cyteach]

Hi all! I'm BACK !

so sorry for the total lack of posting here.. Life kinda got in the way and... well, that's all I have

I'm hoping to keep up with this story until I have it all finished. There's so much more I want to write and post here for this fic and it is no where near done. I have the next installment ready to go for you....

I had trouble with this section.... It brings up some disturbing issues--albeit in reference only right now-- so beware.

Hope there's still some people out there who want to read this! And sorry again for the delay

C.

Chapter: Coming to Terms[u]

Disclaimers--see above

********
Willow was still reeling from her conversation with Tara. Well, I can’t really call it a conversation, can I? Willow thought to herself playing with the nuances of the idea of technological and digital interactions. Stopping herself in the midst of a mind-babble, she plopped down onto her camp mattress which was the only furniture in the small room that she had claimed for herself in the lodge that was holding the majority of the dig team.

Her bags were still lying just inside the door where she placed them after the long drive from the airport. She only took the time for a quick bathroom break when arriving before she immediately made contact with the blonde goddess that filled her head and her heart, not wanting to go another moment without some sort of interaction with Tara.

I wonder what she wants to talk about. I hope it’s nothing bad like regretting that sweet kiss we shared. Umm, those lips. Willow felt a stirring in her tummy and lower still when she recalled their parting in Chicago. Holding onto the warmth and the memories, she quietly fell into a deep sleep, exhausted from all of her travelling.

******

After lunch, Tara unpacked the contents of her car. There were things that she took from her Chicago home that she did not need when she hit the road. Her college degree, family photos, and a plethora of books had to find a new place. With a plan forming in her mind as to where she wanted to go and the things she would need along the way, Tara walked into her old room and tried to fit everything she had into the small space.

Before long, the sun had fallen lower in the sky and Tara had finally packed away everything that she would not need. She took her phone out of her pocket and thought of Willow. She thumbed through the contact list and finally came across the number. With little hesitation, she pressed send and waited for the redhead to pick up on the other end.

Willow was still soundly sleeping hours later when her phone began playing “Bette Davis Eyes.” Popping up out of bed at the personalized ringtone that she had set up to indicate Tara’s call, she fumbled around in the dark trying to find the phone.

Finally finding the offending electronic, Willow flipped it open and said “Hello” in a sleep-roughened voice.

“Hey you,” the melodic voice of Tara came back at her bringing an immediate smile to Willow’s impish face.

“Did I wake you?” Tara asked hesitantly. She still did not know where the redhead had travelled to and as a result didn’t know whether it was the middle of the night or day time there.

“Um, well, kind of. I just basically conked out after texting with you. You know weariness of jet lag and travel and all of that. But it’s okay, I was hoping you would call soon. Well, as I was sleeping I didn’t really have a concept of actual time, but I know that I fell asleep thinking about you and your call and...You really need to stop me when I get on a ramble like this. I can’t actually stop on my own.”

Tara’s laugh filled the receiver as she pictured the reddening face of Willow after her babble. “I think I’d have a good way to stop those rambles if I was there with you.” The insinuation in her voice did not lead to any misinterpretations on Willow’s part.

“Oh, um, well yeah, I think that would work,” Willow answered breathlessly.

Feeling the moisture pooling between her legs at Tara’s overt flirtation, Willow hastily changed the subject in an attempt to control herself.

“So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” Willow got straight to the point.

“Well, there were a few things, but I kind of just wanted to hear your voice.” Tara paused and listened to Willow breathing on the other end. Knowing that the redhead was waiting patiently for the true reason of her phone call, she took a deep breath and admitted, “I’m having second thoughts, Will.”

“Second thoughts? About us? The kiss? You don’t want to see or talk to me again, do you? I knew it! No one as beautiful and perfect as you could ever see something in me, plain old Willow. I should have stayed. I should have followed you, I knew it...”

Willow’s rant was cut off abruptly by the sound of quiet laughter on the other end of the phone. “Willow? Sweetie? Take a deep breath, okay? That’s not what I meant when I said ‘second thoughts.’ Umm, maybe I should be more concise. After all, I want to be a writer and the whole clear reasoning thing often works well when writing. Otherwise the reader would have no clue about what’s going on...Oh my god, it’s contagious!” Tara firmly clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the relentless flow of words that were spewing forth.

It was Willow’s turn to chuckle as Tara lost track of her point. “Sorry. I tend to be a bad influence. So, you’re second thoughts?” Willow trailed off to give the blonde the opportunity to put forward her intentions.

“Well, you see, I was wondering what gave me the right to just throw everything away—everything I’ve ever worked towards—and give myself a second chance. I mean, everyone has dreams, things they want to do and see, but life interferes sometimes, you know? Work becomes a priority and then you meet someone and settle down. Things are bought and a whole new network of responsibilities crop up. I was, I don’t know, thinking that I was being awfully presumptuous in my decisions leading up to right now.”

Willow waited patiently from her prone position on her camp bed as Tara finished her tirade. Knowing that the blonde needed to vent her feelings without interruption, she held her tongue until the only thing she could hear on the other end of the receiver was a soft exhalation.

“Tara, that’s a good point, but you weren’t happy. And it is that happiness that should be your first and only priority. It’s your life, your decision. You have to live with yourself and if you think that this journey is going to be the fulfillment of your peace with yourself, you’d be foolish not to jump into it with both feet. Yes, people make sacrifices and settle down. But if has to be the right situation and the right person. Some people never settle down—they can’t throw that sense of adventure away. You have to find out what’s right for you and your life. No one but you can decide that.”

Tara patiently waited for Willow to finish talking before taking completely before she took in what the redhead said. Happiness. Inner Peace. My life. My decision. She could see the logic in the argument and wondered how the redhead could make her feel so calm with her words.

“Tara?” Willow questioned as the silence settled between their conversation.

“I’m here. Just thinking…digesting what you said. You put forth a very convincing argument, Dr. Rosenberg,” Tara said was a grin in her voice. “I can’t imagine anyone turning you down for funding or debunking your findings.” Tara needed time to take in all of what Willow was and was not saying so she turned the conversation in a safer area.

“Well, I am world renowned for my charm and winning personality,” Willow joked getting comfortable in her bed.

Both women talked for about an hour—not really about anything in particular, just getting to know each other and sharing in the comfort of talking to each other. Willow did not ask Tara of her plans, nor did she push for more time with the blond. She meant it when she told Tara she would wait for her to do whatever it was she needed to do before beginning anything serious.

On the other hand, Tara’s confidence in her decision to start over again was solidifying in her mind and she was coming to terms with the path she was going to take. It was her life and her dream and she would be brave enough to take on the world.

Leaving the warmth and contentment of her conversation with Willow, Tara bid farewell to the redhead with the promise of checking in with her within a week’s time. She lay on the bed in her childhood room and contemplated the beautiful woman who had come to mean so much to her in such a short time.

Would there be room for Willow in her life after she had found herself?

*******
Tara’s obstacles were personal. They were deep and they hurt and sometimes she could think of nothing else. In order to achieve anything, Tara first had to change her attitude and outlook on life—to show herself that she was worthy and beautiful and that she deserved to have a different fate.

Some experts say that childhood victims of sexual molestation live their entire lives in a bubble surrounded by guilt and shame. Some say they become aggressive and lash out. Sometimes they are so ashamed that they feel like no one can understand and nothing in the world can make the pain and terror go away.

Since the age of twenty, Tara had been trying to come to terms with her experience as a survivor of childhood sexual assault. Before that, Tara’s subconscious blocked out the painful recollections that swamped her earliest memories. She pretended it didn’t hurt. She pretended it didn’t matter. She pretended she was stronger than the experience.

It was only with an acceptance of her inner turmoil that Tara could begin to heal; to move on from the pain and become whole again.

The long and rocky path to recovery forked right now. Tara’s decisions were based on staying in her relationship with Lana and continuing along in a life that wasn’t quite bad but that wasn’t quite good either. Instead, Tara threw her normally cautious actions out of a speeding car and took the path that could lead her to true healing and happiness.

******
TBC... It'd be great to hear what you guys think!

[ceridwen]

I'm glad you got the time to update as I would love to read more of this story.

I hope Tara finds inner peace and happiness soon, and I'm sure there'll be room for Willow in her new life.

Keep it up

[LonelyTara]

This is a very compelling piece of writing. I hope that you'll continue.

[angieb86]

WOOOOOOOOT!!!!!

I'm so EXCITED....UPDATE!!!!

I loved it...I sure have missed this story. And I'm hella-glad to see you back!!

Can't wait to see what's next!

~Angela

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... I truly hope that Tara very soon finds out that Willow is indeed an integral part of her "new" life...

[Missing_BTVS]

Just found this fic and read it in one sitting and I must say I LOVE IT!!! Can't wait for more ... Keep it up

[Cyteach]

Thank you to everyone who;s come back to the story to continue reading. I'm really hoping to have regular updates and to finish this story off. Not sure how long it is going to be, but there is plenty of goodness left!


Ceridwen: thanks for reading! I’m glad you came back after the LONG break. Tara’s happiness is something that she will find in time. I think Willow will have a lot to do with the time it takes for her to find it, and of course her life afterwards.

LonelyTara: Welcome! I’m glad you like my little story! I hope I won’t disappoint.

Angieb86: Angela! Thanks for giving me that nudge to get back to writing. I wanted to, but wasn;t sure if anyone would be still interested. Do you have anything new on the board?

Zampsa1975: Glad you’re still reading!! I think Tara will come to her conclusions over Willow’s spot in her new life. Let’s just hope she has the courage to take what’s being offered.

Missing_BTVS: Welcome! It’s always nice to hear from new readers! I’m glad you like the story and hope that you continue reading. I’m hoping to have regular updates now that I have the time.

here's an update! Hope you like it!

Chapter 14: The first steps

Disclaimer: see above

Willow packed away her gear the best way should could with the limited space she had to work with. At least she had her privacy, she thought to herself. The last field work she did saw her sharing with another female colleague and the lack of alone time began to wear on the redhead’s patience about three weeks into the eight week dig.

The two women eventually ended up butting heads in a very vocal and public manner. Willow blushed at the memory of her students and colleagues taking bets on who would win in a smack down between the two doctors.

Willow checked her appearance once more in the mirror hanging on her door—making sure all her zippers were closed and that she did not have pillow lines on her face—before walking out of her room to join the rest of the team in the common area. There were still people arriving and more to come within the next few days. As it was, only about half of the team had gathered thus far. She didn’t know everyone here, but most of the members were experienced in the field with the exception of a handful of second year students who had yet to arrive.

“Hey! Get your grubby hands off, Twinkie!” Willow heard a muffled voice break her out of her reverie. “I swear if you don’t remove your paws within the next five seconds they’ll be looking for pieces of your broken bones in the garbage disposal.”

Rushing down the hall and out into the large shared kitchen, Willow braced herself to deal with a sticky situation. Putting on her best professional voice, she yelled out over the din, “Hey! What the hell is going on here? Where are your hands? You better not be starting anything before everyone even arrives! I swear I’ll have you back on the road and on a plane back to the United States so fast, you won’t know if you’re coming or going!”

Taking a breath to calm her tirade, Willow finally analyzed the situation. A short skinny man was currently trying to remove himself from the death grip of a slightly taller—and much curvier—brunette woman who was doing her best to rip the guy’s hand off at the wrist. He was valiantly trying to back away from the stack of sandwiches stacked on the counter that clearly were not his.

Chuckling at seeing the culprit of the threats, Willow forgot her anger and launched herself towards the brunette who shoved the shorter man away when she heard the redhead’s voice.

“Red! I thought you’d never get up! You’ve been sleeping since I got here like five hours ago, man.” The brash woman scooped the petite redhead in her arms and spun her around like she weighed nothing. Putting Willow back on her feet, she pushed her to arm’s length and took a long, slow look up and down the redhead’s body.

“Damn, girl! You look as delicious as ever!” she growled when her eyes made contact with Willow’s again.

Blushing brightly, Willow half-heartedly smacked the shoulder of her friend. Although they live in different parts of the world, the women always worked on the same digs.

“Faith! What did I tell you about ogling me? Only in private!” Willow joked as she embraced her friend again.

“So what’s the deal, Faith? Scaring the newbies again?”

“Well, this freak was trying to mess with my food, Red! You know how I get when I’m hungry,” Faith insisted while wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. “I just wanted to show homeboy here that my stuff is off limits. What does he think I am some kind of dig cook or something? Jeez!” Faith mumbled darting threating glances in the direction of the offending man.

“I didn’t know they were yours!” the man finally spoke up in his own defense. “I mean, who eats five sandwiches to themselves? Especially a woman!”

“There’s something you need to know about Faith here if you’re going to survive, Blake,” Willow insisted as she took the student under her wing. “She does everything to the extreme—digging, eating, fighting—um, yep! Ha! That’s all I know about!” Willow continues blushing as Faith sticks her thumbs in the belt loops of her low-riding jeans and suggestively sticks her pelvis out.

“Sorry, Dr. Rosenberg,” Blake mumbled under his breath. “I didn’t mean to start anything.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me, Blake,” Willow insisted, “but if you don’t want to be stuck with the worst dig jobs, you should start sucking up to Faith here. She’s in charge of scheduling.”

“Really? I thought a Dr. Lehane from the University of Washington was the on-site coordinator for this dig,” Blake inquired.

“Pleasure to meet ya, Twinkie,” Faith grins as she holds out her hand to the unsuspecting student.

The young man visibly blanches as he understands his faux pas and does his best to look chastised and apologetic. Knowing that staying there is only putting his deeper and deeper into trouble, Blake turns from the kitchen and exits hastily.

“Faith! The poor boy is probably traumatized now!” Willow chuckles as she settles down to the kitchen table with her colleague. “Here, give me one of those sandwiches, I’m starving” she says as she pulls the plate closer to her setting.

“Only you can eat from my plate any day, Red,” Faith offers as Willow selects a sandwich.

“I thought we were over the whole flirting thing, Faith? Didn’t you learn anything from the last dig?” When the professors last met on a dig in the Mediterranean, a student became so absorbed with finding out more details of Faith and Willow’s so-called love affair by eavesdropping at every opportunity the two women were together. Unfortunately, Faith’s explicitness and her discovery of this stalking lead her to push the limits of the flirting to an extreme and the poor man would walk around the dig with a constant erection to the surprise and delight of the rest of the team who teased him mercilessly.

“You know I love ya, Red, and I’d be all over that fine body first sign of you givin’ in to my charms,” Faith winks at Willow across the kitchen table. “Sometimes you just have to give into your natural urges, sister and go with it. I know you find it harder and harder to resist my sexiness.”
“As much as you are a walking hard-on, Faith, I’m just going to have to hold off on the offer,” Willow continues with the bantering. “I gave my heart to another and it wouldn’t be right to give you only my body, Sunshine.”

“Whoa! This is new. So who’s the lucky broad, Red?” Faith questioned.

“Her name is Tara,” Willow began with a dreamy sound ot her voice and a faraway look on her face. “She’s the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I am head over heels for her.”

“So why are you here when she isn’t?”

Willow is shaken from her temporary bliss and brought back to the present. Thoughts of Tara and her sparkling blue eyes run through her mind at all moments—waking and sleeping—like a film on repeat.
“Well, that’s where things get complicated,” Willow sighed dramatically. “Come on, grab the rest of those sandwiches and a couple of beer and I’ll tell you all about my girl,” she said as she made her way towards the patio door.

******

A week later, Tara is speeding down the highway heading southeast on the first path of her self-discovery journey. After spending some much needed time with her sister and father, they all tearfully parted early this morning with her father even putting off his morning chores to see his eldest daughter off. Tara and Dawn had made plans to meet for the Christmas break, but decided that going home for the holiday was not a realistic plan. So Tara decided that wherever she was in late December, she would send a ticket for her baby sister—and offer one for her father, too—so they could spend the holidays together. Tara knew her father wouldn’t come, but at least they were making an effort to be a family again.

No one in her family knew about the abuse; that was Tara’s own burden. Sometimes her aloof behaviour was interpreted as her unwillingness to be a part of her countrified family, but in reality she was trying to protect herself by cutting off the raging emotions inside her. If her father ever found out his best friend from childhood terrorized his eldest daughter, he would surely shoot the man dead. While Tara would like nothing more than to see the bastard rotting in hell, she couldn’t stand the thought of her father spending the rest of his life in prison for something that she had a part in.

The one thing Tara made sure of was that Dawn was protected in all of this. While she was still living at home, she watched her sister like a hawk and always questioned her whenever the younger Maclay would spend time on the Johnson farm. Nothing could ever stop Tara from protecting her innocent baby sister from the turmoil and grief she herself had to live with. If there was any doubt of the nature of Mr. Johnson’s actions towards Dawn, Tara would skin him alive herself and damn the consequences.

Blocking off something that has been a part of who you are for so much of your life leads to a flooding of the gates when the tide finally breaks through. There is only so much the mind can deny until everything you’ve pushed back comes racing at you. It becomes all you can think about; all you can dream about; all you can obsess about. Until it takes away your ability to sleep, to eat, to function in a normal setting.

Tara could never talk to Lana about her troubles. She tried to reach out once by starting a conversation about survivors of abuse with her girlfriend, but Lana adamantly professed that she was of the ideology of helping those who helped themselves. She would never understand how someone could live with constant and repetitive abuse and never tell anyone. Tara’s shame overwhelmed her with the knowledge that she lived that life for over ten years and any thoughts in confiding with her partner immediately left her.

Feeling a buzz coming from the pocket of her jeans, Tara pulled over to the shoulder of the highway to check her cellphone. She looked at the screen and saw that she had received an email from Willow. Needing to shake off the desolate and destructive mood she had found herself in ever since she left home that morning, Tara put her car into park and took a sip of her coffee while waiting for her email to open up.

Hi beautiful,

I woke up this morning with you on my mind. You must have visited me in my dreams again. I’m glad we get to spend time together in my subconscious. Last night you took me to the zoo and we held hands as we visited with the penguins and lions and chimpanzees. We had a picnic at the park under a huge old oak tree and I fed you strawberries while you lay with your head in my lap. It was the most perfect day of my life.

I guess by the time you get this you will be on your way. I hope the goodbyes at home went well and that Dawn didn’t beg you to take her with you too profusely. I wonder where you will head now on the first step of your trip. Will you head east to the coast? Will you leave the country and zigzag across immensity of Canada? Are you heading somewhere exotic where you will wear nothing but skimpy clothing because the heat is too stifling to wear anything else? I sit in my room thinking of you and your adventures and I can do nothing but smile. Everyone around here thinks I’ve gone mad. I have never been too stern and unapproachable, but on digs I usually keep a professional demeanour. Now I’m too happy. Too happy to yell at the students for improper techniques, too happy to yell at my colleagues for eating all the barbeque, and too happy to wallow in the fact that I am here and you are not. I just hope that you will let my find a spot in your heart or in your mind so that I can share some of your adventures with you along the way. Whether it’s good or bad, I want to be there with you. If you want to tell me all of the wonderful things you saw that day or of the people you met while drinking coffee at a sidewalk café, I want you to know you have someone to tell these things to. If you miss home and the life you have left behind, I want you to know that you can tell me those things.

If you need me to take a step back and give you some space, I want you to know that you can tell me. I’ll understand.

Just don’t forget that I care and I’ll be here whenever you need me.

Thinking of you always,

Willow.

Tara swiped at the tears that travelled down her face. The redhead was so caring and understanding of her needs and was offering Tara exactly what she needed right now. Not knowing how she got so lucky to win the heart of such a wonderful and self-less woman, she tried to type a reply on her cellphone. When after ten minutes of pecking at the keys resulted in having one line written, Tara decided to text Willow instead.

Hi. Just got your email. You’re too precious. I can’t reply on my cell. I’ll write when I stop for the day. xox T.

Tara checked over her shoulder for traffic and slowly pulled back onto the blacktop. With Willow’s words echoing in her mind, the blonde’s face was enveloped in a smile that stayed with her for the next hundred miles.

*******

TBC...

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... I hope Tara decides to visit Willow on the dig to surprise Willow...

[LonelyTara]

Beautiful update! I'm glad you're determined to finish this fic, when you update, we'll be waiting!

Lana sucks even more than I realized before. It's terribly that Tara has had no one to share the pain of her abuse with. How terrifying for her to feel her father would go to jail for killing her abuser, so holding that secret while at the same time trying to keep her sister safe. :( Children place such burdens upon themselves sometimes, it's so sad.

Beautiful moment:

I just hope that you will let my find a spot in your heart or in your mind so that I can share some of your adventures with you along the way.

My god, Willow is amazing and sweet. I love the distance love affair, it's so romantic!

[Grimm]

Wonderful update. Hope 2 read more.....Soon!!!!!!!!

[vampyregurl73]

I like the twist you're using with Tara. Yes, we know that abuse has always been implied but it was by family, here you've taken outside the home to a trusted adult. Also never coming forward to anyone about it - in order to shield Dawn? I'm curious to see if as the storyline progresses you will delve further into the nature of the abuse that we know she has carried around for ten years and couldn't tell her last partner about. Guessing Willow will be the nonjudgmental support she needs.

Having Tara decide the time is now and "take the bull by the horns" while Willow's at a dig site is novel (not in a negative way either). They're forced to get to know one another and not just jump into bed.

I hope you keep with this.

[KioNewgo]

Hey!
I just started reading this fic, and I love it!
You've captured the characters perfectly . I can just see Willow falling down those steps in shock! Had me giggling for a long time haha.
I hope Tara finds her peace :( maybe Willow will help !
Willow is so sweet aswell. That email <3 perfect!
I look forward to your next update

[wimpy0729]

Very nice in so many ways. I love how Willow is staying in contact with Tara. Hopefully this will help Tara find her way.

Love the introduction of Faith, and she is spot on. Good job. BTW, where the heck is Willow's dig? I'm also very curious where Tara off to first on her journey.

Can't wait to read more.


Wimpy

[Cyteach]

Hi Kittens!

I'm back with another update! I'm going to try and have at least one new update a week until this is finish (I'm expecting a fair bit more yet!)

Thanks to everyone who's reading and leaving feedback! It makes writing this a lot more fulfilling to know that!

So this section is pretty Willow-centric, I wasn;t intending it to be that way, but that;s the way it turn out, so hope it;s ok!




Zampsa1975: I'm still contemplating whether or not Tara will visit Willow on the dig... maybe that will be revealed at the end of this update!

LonelyTara: Thanks for reading! I WILL finish... hoepfully I'll be able to stick to a more frequent posting schedule...Lana DOES suck... Sometimes as a child you find yoruself wanting to be strong and protect those that you love--it's not the right thing to do, but it seems that way at the time. Tara's reasonings will be revealed eventually...

Willow is awfully sweet She just can't help it--Tara brings it out in her!

Hope you like the next part!

SMGOVAN Welcome... glad you;re reading and feedbacking! Here;s an update...

vampyregurl73: I always thought that with the way Tara was presented in the show that there was more to the story with her abuse...and this twist is something that I'm familar with so I thought it would be interesting to delve into. This is going to be a part of the storyline with Tara and her journey so there will be more on it....

I think the long distance thing will allow Tara and Willow to get to know each other and will help heal Tara in the process (hopefully!)

Thanks for reading and leaving feedback!

KioNewgo: Welcome! Thanks for reading! It's great to get new readers and their take on the storyline! Glad you like it and hope you keep coming back for more!

Wimpy0729: Hi! Thanks for reading! I like writing other canon characters (in a new situation) so I'm glad you liked the introduction of Faith! Lol, I've kept the location of Willow's dig mum for now because I'm going to work in their locations into the storyline... so it could very well change from where I visualize it in my mind... It'll be revealed eventually, but I want it to coincide with Tara's travels to an extent.... so it'll be a secret for a little bit Thanks for the feedback!


Disclaimers: this chapters gets a little NC17 so beware!

Thughts are in italics

Chapter 15: In my mind

Willow sat with a steaming mug of coffee in front of her as she began her day with a bowl of instant oatmeal and the newspaper in front of her.

Thinking of Tara had become a constant in the redhead’s life since they met a few weeks before in Chicago. Willow thought of the email she sent Tara and the resulting text message she received from the blond goddess shortly after. She signed it xox! Tara wants to share kisses and hugs! With ME! I wish she was here. She’d love the dig and the atmosphere here. No, she needs time; I promised her time and patience.

Willow’s internal babble continued as members of the dig came and went fulfilling their daily routines. It wasn’t until a shadow covered her personal space and didn’t move that she finally shook herself out of her thoughts of Tara. “Hey Faith,” she whispered as the brunette took a seat across the small kitchen table.

“Morning, Red.” Faith eyed her colleague up and down and noticed the longing gracing the features of the redhead’s face. Knowing a little of Willow’s situation, she wasn’t sure if she should bring up the topic of Tara when the redhead was clearly missing her girl. But tact was never something that Faith had a lot of. She assumed it came from growing up in a household with three older siblings and three young siblings. Someone was always teasing someone else or holding secrets for blackmail in the Lehane household.

Silence settled through the kitchen as both anthropologists finished eating and enjoyed the last dregs of their coffee. Seeing that Willow was getting ready to bring her dishes to the sink without comment, Faith slammed her fists down on the table. “Damn it, Willow! Talk to me,” she pleaded when the redhead stared at her friend in shock.

“Faith?” she questioned wondering where the outburst was coming from. “What’s wrong? What did I do? Why did you call me Willow? Well, I guess that is my name but I can’t really remember any time that you’ve called me Willow. It’s usually Red or Wills or bitch but never Willow. Oh my god, Faith, what’s wrong?” Willow finally halted her tirade as Faith just held her head in her hands.

“Are you finished, talks-a-lot?” Faith asked exasperatedly. “Nothing’s wrong with me; I’m just worried about you, Red. You walk around here like a zombie. A zombie with a creepy smile on her face, but a zombie nonetheless. When are you going to talk to me? I thought we were buddies?”

“Faith…it’s complicated. I’m trying to deal with things in my own head first before I talk to anyone about it. I-I I just—“

“Hey. It’s okay. I get it. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, okay? We don’t see each other a lot besides here on these digs, but I consider you one of my best friends. And I hope you see me in the same way. So I’ll be here—when you’re ready to talk.” Faith stood up from the table and set her dirty dishes to the sink. As she ran hot water over her mug and bowl, she felt two surprisingly strong arms latch onto her.

“Thank you, Faith,” Willow mumbled into the taller girl’s back. “We will talk. Soon, okay? I just need a little more time to process this on my own.” With one last squeeze, Willow let her go and straightened her clothes.

“Well, come on slowpoke, we’ve got an intense day of digging to do! I’m hoping to get the living area excavated by the end of the week and we can’t leave those greenhorns to do all the fun work!” Willow sent Faith a grateful look before turning from the kitchen and heading towards the door.

Faith shook her head at her neurotic friend. The girl had the ability to jump from topic to topic and mood to mood like no one she knew. Wiping her hands on the ragged dishtowel, Faith followed Willow out to the site to get started on their work for the day.

*******

Dirty and bone-weary, Willow dragged herself into the camp house, straight through the kitchen and the common area until she finally came to her room. She closed and locked the door with a grunt and fell face-down onto her unmade bed groaning. The redhead lay still for about fifteen minutes with the sporadic sound of a grunt or groan coming out muffled from the bedspread.

Suddenly, Willow jumped up from her prone position in a whirl and leaned over the bed searching frantically for her laptop. Throwing off odd socks and crumpled paper, she finally dragged the machine up to the bed with her whooping in triumph.

“Huh. Think you can hide from me, sneaky computer. I don’t think so!” Willow opened up the cover of the computer gently and waited impatiently for it to boot up from its latent state. “Come on, come on! I could have a Tara-email. I need you to load up!”

Willow impatiently tapped her fingers on her knees as the computer finally loaded. “Please, please, please be an email from Tara,” Willow chanted to herself as she opened up her internet browser and entered the address for her email account.

Typing in her login name and password, Willow’s tiredness over the strenuous activities of the day left her body in anticipation of a word from Tara. She knew she may have been pushing the blond a little too forcefully with her constant messages, emails, and phone calls. She suddenly felt apprehension over the contents of the potential Tara-email.

What if she tells me she needs space? What will I do? I think my heart would break even more if she doesn’t let me keep up this long-distance contact.

Preparing herself for rejection, Willow opened her eyes and scrolled through her inbox, noticing several new emails from colleagues, students, and even one from Buffy. Looking more carefully through her inbox, Willow noticed that she did not have an email from Tara.

Not knowing whether or not to be disappointed in not receiving her promised email or relief at the temporary stay of rejection, Willow quickly went through her new emails, responding when necessary until the one from Buffy was the only one that remained.

Hey Willster,

I’m not sure if you’re going to be able to get this while you are away at your secret exotic location playing in the dirt, but I thought I’d write anyway.

I still can’t believe you showed up in Chicago like you did! It was the best birthday surprise EVER! We should really try to make the effort to see each other more—especially since I have most of my summers free from work.

Things had settled down since the landing of Hurricane Rosenberg and my little brownstone is missing all of the action it had seen in those few days. I’m settling back into work and things are quite different around there without the illustrious Ms. Maclay in the English department. The kids really miss her—and so do I.

OH! I guess I should have mentioned earlier that I’m sending this email for her! She called a little while ago and wanted me to email you to let you know that she didn’t have internet access in the motel she is staying at tonight. Something about promising to write and not wanting you to worry. Our girl is something else!

How are things going between you two? Um, that is, if you’re wanting to talk or need solace or anything, I’m here, you know that right? You’re not pushing too hard, are you?

Well, my redheaded friend, I hope all is well with you and you are enjoying building sand castles in the dirt  . Don’t work too hard and don’t be a stranger!

Love you!
Buffy

Willow’s face broke into a smile when she realized that Tara did try and contact her. She still likes me! Yay! So I guess I’m not pushing too hard or asking too much of her right now. I hope she’s okay. What kind of place doesn’t have internet?!? Jeez!

Willow jumped from the bed, gathered her shower kit and robe and bee-lined it to the bathroom to scrub off the day’s grime with thoughts of Tara in her mind. She stripped out of her dusty clothes and left them in a dirty pile on the bathroom floor and stepped into the bath. Willow turned the water on and waited for the stream to warm up. Stepping under the spray, she dipped her head back and thought of Tara as the day’s filth swirled down the drain.

Willow’s mind drifted to another shower in another country. She remembered the sight of the blond goddess naked and dripping on the bathroom floor of Buffy’s bathroom and shivered at the pictures that ran through her mind.

Willow washed her hair quickly and soaped up her washcloth. Dragging it down her body, she realized she was in a state of arousal as the cloth ran over her hardened nipples. Groaning at the exquisite sensation, Willow brought her other hand down her body and began to softly pluck at her other nipple. Flashes of Tara swept behind the redhead’s tightly shut eyes and she could feel the arousal hitching up another level. Tara in her robe, Tara leaning over her playing Twister, Tara’s lips as she wiped pizza sauce away from them, Tara wrapped in a shower curtain naked on the bathroom floor.

Moaning softly, Willow allowed her right hand to drop the washcloth and trail down her sensitive body. Her hand delved between her legs and cupped her sex, holding it still in an attempt to halt the immediate release she felt rising up from the tips of her toes. A wetness that had nothing to do with the water coming from the shower’s head touched her palm as Willow saw Tara’s hand replacing her own.

“Yes!” she hissed between clenched teeth as she allowed her fingers to explore her wet folds. The amount of wetness soaking her fingers told Willow that she wouldn’t last much longer in that state of arousal. Accepting the inevitable, Willow began teasing her hardened exposed clit with the tips of two fingers, gently swirling around the nub without coming into direct contact with the begging organ.

“Umm, Tara…” Willow moaned as she finally let her fingers brush along her sensitive clit, her body instinctively arching forward into the pressure, seeking more friction and release. Feeling her orgasm rising closer and closer to the surface, Willow brought a finger to her dripping entrance and immediately plunged it inside, meeting no resistance due to the abundant amount of wetness seeping from her. Pumping inside, Willow brought another finger to her entrance and it joined it’s mate inside her wet cavern.

Starting a slow, steady rhythm, Willow couldn’t control the mantra escaping her lips every time her fingers entered inside: “Ta-ra, Ta-ra, Ta-ra!”

Lifting her left foot, Willow braced herself against the back of the shower and mostly out of the stream of water as she continued to pump in and out of herself, her left hand roughly pinching her over-aroused nipples as her hand sped up in its rhythm. Feeling herself on the brink of coming, Willow tilted her head back against the tile of the shower and let out a sultry moan that dissipated in the pounding of the shower’s spray.

“Oh, baby! Yes, yes, yes,” she continued her ministrations. Willow brought her hand down from her breast and immediately began rubbing her clit with a furious speed. Bringing a third finger into her body, Willow’s voice was keening as she felt herself getting closer and closer to the brink.

“Ah, uhm, ah, ah, yes! Yes baby. Oh, TARA!” Willow moaned as she let herself go and felt the waves of her orgasm rush through her body. Extending her pleasure, Willow’s fingers continued to pump inside of her, the sound of her wetness squelching through the small bathroom as her hips bucked and her head held it’s tipped position on the back wall of the shower.

Finally coming down from her high, Willow slid bonelessly down the shower wall and leaned against the back of the tub her chest heaving, trying to catch her breath.

“Wow,” she whispered to herself in amazement over the intensity of her orgasm. If I can make myself feel this good by thinking about Tara, I wonder what’s going to happen when we actually make love?

Smiling a shit-eating grin, Willow basked in the afterglow. Not knowing if her legs would even work right now, she planned on sitting there until she had the energy to move.

The redhead jumped in consternation as a loud banging reverberated through the small bathroom. “Hey! Come on! You’ve been in there for forty-five minutes! I have to pee!” came an unfamiliar voice through the closed door.

Hopping up guiltily, Willow scrubbed the washcloth over her body quickly, cleaning herself before shutting off the shower yelling, “I’m done! I’ll be out in a minute.”

She draped her robe over her still damp body and gathered the pile of dirty clothes off of the floor. With her one free arm, Willow swiped clear a patch from the steamed-up mirror and looked over her reflection. Her cheeks were flushed from the heat—and the orgasm—and her eyes were bright with happiness and satisfaction.

Jumping again as the pounding resounded on the bathroom door, Willow threw it open and squeezed past the waiting student muttering an apology on her way back to her room.

As she backed into her room and dropped the dirty clothes just inside the door, she squealed as she saw who was sitting patiently on her bed, back against her headboard and feet shoeless.

“Hope you don’t mind, I made myself comfortable while I was waiting for you.”

******

TBC! Sorry for leaving it like this..... [/u][/b]

[LonelyTara]

Ack! Cliffhanger?! Well...the shower scene almost, almost makes up for it...I have to admit, I'm sad that Willow and Tara didn't get any direct communication, even if it was through email. They both have phones...she could've called or texted...sigh. Looking forward to more frequent updates! (And Dibs!)