Maybes and Ifs (Updated September 7th/09)

[Sparks]

Hey kittens!

It's been a while! I know I've got an unfinished story floating around here, which I would love to finish at some point, but I have no immediate plans to as of yet. Anywho, this story has been floating around in my brain since I joined pens a little over a year ago. It is based on the idea that in season six, Willow and Tara do not break up at the end of Tabula Rasa, but are going through extreme relationship difficulties at the time of Willow and Dawn's accident. And, the main twist is that the crash caused Willow to be thrown from the vehicle and land in a bush, therefore not being seen by Buffy. However, she isn't too hurt (she's lucky!), but without talking to Buffy it hits her as a huge wakeup call to how dangerous she is, and she flees town without saying goodbye. My story takes place twelve years after said events, where there will be many reunions, battles of big bads, and eventual smoochies. BEWARE! Good kittens, this will be angsty, but trust me, it will pay off in the end. This section is the prologue, and I'm going to test it out and see how it goes. I hope you like it!

Title: Maybes and Ifs
Author: Sparks
Rating: PG (For now...)
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy, or any of its characters, storylines, etc.
Summary: Twelve years after Willow nearly killed Dawn and skipped town, the Scooby gang is faced with a few crisis... and they need some help.
Notes: Spoilers up until the end of Tabula Rasa (pre-breakup), other than that I'm cruisin' to a different tune.
Feedback: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

Prologue

Willow ran.

Her heart beat ferociously in her chest, and her shoes pounded the ground so hard that she thought her tattered sneakers would rip open at any second. Her legs burned from the stress, and her eyes stung with the steady fire of unshed tears. Her stomach twisted and turned into knots, forcing to her to shut her eyes tightly and will herself not to vomit. Yet, she ran. She ran as though the whole world was chasing her, angry, vengeful and armed. She ran as though the relentless waves of a tsunami were inches away from her ankles, waiting to violently sweep her away into the abyss. She ran as though the hills were collapsing around her, as though with each step she was avoiding being crushed. She ran so fast she began to wonder if it was even possible for her to stop.

Yet, she stopped.

And there was silence.

Even the sound of her heavy breathing from her exhaustion was drowned out by the cold, deafening sound of silence. The world seemed to stop existing in that very moment, the moment that Willow had finally reached. It was time. The emptiness that existed in that moment was overwhelming, and Willow fought the urge to allow herself to let it go and simply let the tears fall. She swallowed the lump in her throat and held back the tears that were fighting to break free from the virtual flood gates that lay behind her emerald green eyes. Willow stood up straight, hardly noticing that she was doubled over from the pain of the great distance she had just run. With her resolve intact, she finally spun around to take in the sight she had come all this way to see.

She took in her surroundings, the familiar place she had called home. The small white house engulfed in pleasantly overgrown plant life that she had once shared with friends, loved ones, family. The house that sat on this seemingly quiet street, in this seemingly quiet neighbourhood screamed at her now. The silence was deafening, the emptiness was deafening. Willow covered her ears to drown it out, and squeezed her eyes shut to avoid dealing with the pain that she felt every time she looked at that house.

She wouldn’t say goodbye.

She couldn’t say goodbye.

It was too hard; all of this was too hard. But it was the right choice. Willow’s heart tugged and ached at the thought of why she had to leave, why she would never be able to come back. She remembered the smiling faces of her friends, the people she could never face again. Buffy, the slayer of both her real and personal demons, her best friend. Giles, the man that had become her teacher, mentor, and the father that she never had. Xander, her other best friend and most trusted confidante. Dawn, the girl that she had watched grow up and helped to raise for almost a year now. She would even miss Anya and Spike, despite their rather obnoxious habits and personalities. And of course, there was Tara.

The thought of living the rest of her life without Tara hit Willow like someone had just shot her through the heart with a cross bow full of poison. And the feeling spread, all throughout Willow’s body, like someone was slicing every inch of her with a knife, and laughing as they watched her bleed. Tara was the single most important thing in the world to Willow, she was her everything. And now, knowing that she would never lay eyes on her beautiful face again, that she would never stare into her eyes and find all of the love and hope she could ever want staring back at her. Knowing that she would never run her fingers through Tara’s silky blonde hair, or touch her hand, or lay a soft kiss on her lips made Willow’s resolve finally crumble, and she collapsed to her knees and cried out.

She looked to the sky and begged for mercy, begged for forgiveness, and begged for death. The thought of living without her friends, without Tara, made Willow cringe in pain at the thought of a tomorrow. And living with the thought, the memory of what she had done made living seem more like a damning than a privilege. It was an accident, sure. Willow had never intended to hurt Dawn, but she was responsible. She should have been in control, and she knew it. She knew the moment that the car slammed into the tunnel that her life as she knew it was over. She had been thrown from the car, an occurrence that at first seemed very lucky to Willow. Buffy was so concerned with getting the injured Dawn to a hospital that she had failed to see Willow’s crumpled body lying several meters away from the damaged vehicle. If Buffy had found her there, she surely would have killed her for nearly taking the life of her little sister. At first, Willow felt she had stumbled upon good fortune, but she now knew there was no making things right, and she was probably better off dead. They were all certainly better off without her.

While Buffy took Dawn to the hospital, Willow caught a cab back to the house and did the only thing that seemed to make any sense; she packed up all of her stuff and brought it all out to her car. She had felt bad that she had destroyed Buffy’s car and was now going to take off in her own vehicle, but she knew it was better in the long run. Besides, she knew the insurance would cover the damage on Buffy’s car, and the loss of the red SUV would surely be made up for by the fact that they would now be safe; safe from Willow. After finishing packing, she drove the SUV around the block and parked it there, just in case, and then caught a cab to the hospital.

She had peered through the window of the emergency room and she saw the anxious, worry stricken faces of her closest friends. Buffy was pacing, she always paced in stressful situations, she could never allow herself a moment to seem vulnerable. Xander and Anya sat on one of the waiting benches, holding each other in comfort. Giles and Spike stood at opposite corners of the room, both looking equally stoic but equally worried about the situation. And Tara; Tara was leaning forward in a chair next to Xander and Anya, twiddling her fingers and rubbing her arms, something she always did when she was worried and nervous. Willow was terrified. Terrified of the shape that Dawn was in, terrified of what they all thought of her, but most of all, she was terrified that they would see her. She tried to stay low, but she knew that if one of them were to look out the window, she would be visible. She shut her eyes tight and willed it not to happen, and at the same time willed her brain not to invent scenarios in her mind in which they did find her. Willow was paralyzed with fear, at that moment she could have sworn she wanted to leave that place more than she had ever wanted anything in her life. But she had to know that Dawn was alright, she needed to know that Dawn was going to be okay before she could leave and never come back.

Perhaps if things with Dawn had turned out differently, she thought, she would have faced the music, stepped into that emergency room and admitted what she had done and faced the consequences, no matter how harsh they happened to be. But that was not the way it was meant to play out, because after what seemed like an eternity of waiting, a doctor stepped through the doors into the emergency room, followed by Dawn. She had a cast on her arm, a broken nose, and a few bumps and bruises, but otherwise, she seemed okay. As the group embraced around her, joyful that the accident had not been more serious, Willow took one last sorrowful look at her friends, her family, and the women she loved, and took off before any of them could notice her out there.

And Willow ran.

She had run so far and fast that she was beginning to think she would never be able to stop, that she would forget her car and just run right out of Sunnydale. Yet, here she was, standing in front of the Summer’s residence once more, reflecting on what she had once had and what she had lost. She stood there, staring for what seemed like an eternity, basking in the unbroken ambience of her memories. She suddenly felt the urge to stay, but the sound of an approaching car reminded her that, that was not an option, and with one last lingering look, she took off again. This time, she ran faster than she ever believed she could, struggling to make it around the corner before the approaching vehicle reached the street, just in case it contained the seven people she most, and least, wanted to see. With great effort, she just made it around the corner before the lights of the van made it to her street. Sure enough, the van, which she now realized was a taxi, slowed down and stopped in front of the Summer’s home, and one by one her friends piled out.

Willow watched from the dark corner as they all headed toward the house, clearly happy to be returning with a safe and sound Dawn. But Tara remained on the street, as if she sensed something nearby. Willow heard Buffy casually mention that it was strange that the SUV was missing, but Tara seemed unaffected. Willow’s breath hitched at the thought of Tara’s ocean blue eyes catching a glimpse of her and suddenly burning with the anger of a sudden storm. Yet, she was frozen in place, waiting for the women she loved to look her way, paralyzed by the dim hope that Tara would understand and forgive her, and pull her close in her arms and kiss all of her guilt away. But before Tara could look her way, Buffy rushed back out of the house, startling Tara and breaking the feeling she had that she was being watched. Willow then heard Buffy tell Tara that she had packed up her stuff and had gone. Willow did not stay to hear anything past that, she turned around and jumped in the SUV. She put the key in the ignition, ready to run, when a sudden bout of hesitation overcame her. She was stricken with confusion, wondering if she was really making the right decision, knowing what she was leaving behind. But she reminded herself that what she once had would be no more after what she had done, what she had almost taken from them, and now it was time to save them from anything like that ever happening again. A choked sob escaped Willow’s throat as she turned the ignition.

She didn’t drive down Rovello drive to take one last look at the Summer’s home, she knew the group would still be outside and she could not risk being seen. No, it was better that they had no idea where or when she had gone. She instead backed up and turned down Mason Street, heading out of Sunnydale for good. She wiped a single tear from her eyes as she realized she deserved nothing but sadness, and no relief from the pain. She had done something terrible, had almost destroyed so many lives, and she would spend the rest of her life paying for the mistakes she had made. She was finally ridden of her magic addiction; this tragedy had snapped her out of it for good, though she was certain hard days of detoxing lay ahead. Yet, this gain came at what price? The loss of her entire life and everything that she ever loved? Her friends? Tara? If she had never become addicted and reckless in the first place, none of the series events that led to this fateful night would ever have transpired. But Willow knew there was no place in her mind for ifs. It was over, she needed to move on.

The life of a dangerous person is a lonely life. A life from which love can only be seen from a distance, and there is no place for maybe’s and if’s. There is only darkness to see, remember, and look forward to enduring for the rest of your damned, miserable existence.

And Willow drove.

[Nue]

uhn.. interesting...

[Zooeys_Bridge]

Woof. I love angst.

[jay/wt4evr]

Second that

[Claidia]

What can I say? Your writing's awesome; you've got a great premise here, and the style to pull it off. I look forward to seeing more of this =)

[willow_tara_always]

ohh interesting...cant wait for more

[Sparks]

Thanks for the wonderful feedback everyone, I really appreciate it. I know the prologue was short, but here's an update that's a bit legnthier. I hope you enjoy it!

Cheers,
Sarah


Title: Maybes and Ifs
Author: Sparks
Rating: PG (For now...)
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy, or any of its characters, storylines, etc.
Summary: Twelve years after Willow nearly killed Dawn and skipped town, the Scooby gang is faced with a few crisis... and they need some help.
Notes: Spoilers up until the end of Tabula Rasa (pre-breakup), other than that I'm cruisin' to a different tune. Many of the things that happened in season 6 and 7 are still important though, but I'll clue you in on those as time goes on.
Feedback: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!



Chapter Two: Everyday

Twelve Years Later

Somewhere in Northern Canada…


Willow heard a loud smash behind her, as the fist aimed directly at her jaw slammed into the wall behind her while she ducked to avoid the blow. She shifted to the side as another jab came her way, directed towards her lower stomach. She was cornered, and the dark figure with whom Willow was duelling was an admirable foe. Sharp, strong, fast, and smart, everything that one would want in a warrior, but unfortunately for them, Willow had all of those qualities too. She avoided another ill-aimed punch and grabbed the wrist of her attacker, flipping them over onto their back. Willow regrouped, backing away from the attacker to the center of the room, grounding herself in preparation for the next attack. The assailant flipped back onto their feet, quickly regrouped and began circling Willow eagerly. Willow stood very still, waiting for her attacker to make a move. They finally lunged at her, making an attempt at a sweep kick, but Willow anticipated this move and reacted quickly by leaping over the leg of the assailant and kicking them in the face. The attacker flew backwards, but landed on their knees and quickly sprung back into action. Before Willow could react, the attacker had hit her with two spinning high kicks and had knocked her onto her back.

Willow hit the ground hard, with a thud that seemed to echo throughout the small, dimly lit room. And, before she knew what was happening, her attacker had her pinned to the hard floor beneath her. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest as she exhaled softly, silently admitting her defeat. Her attacker placed their arms against Willow’s throat as she struggled in vain against their sheer power. Just as Willow was beginning to gasp for air against her assailant’s forearms, the attacker pulled off their black mask, revealing a young, feminine girl that whispered, “had enough yet?”

Willow smiled in response to this, and playfully pushed the girl off of her. The girl smiled, and quickly jumped to her feet, offering her hand to Willow, “good show today Will, your technique is really improving,” she commented with a grin.

“Yeah sure it is Robyn, you still kicked my ass up and down the gym no matter what I did,” Willow argued as she gasped for air, clearly exhausted from the lengthy battle with her friend.

“Well, of course I kicked your ass Willow, slayer strength can do that to a girl,” Robyn replied with a smile, “but hey, for coming up against a slayer, you held your own kiddo.”

Willow smiled in response to Robyn’s comment and felt very relieved to know that her performance was impressive to the misleadingly small fighter. It was true, Willow’s training was beginning to pay off, she was able to hold her own against Robyn’s slayer strength, a phenomenon that to this day, Willow could not figure out. As far as she knew, Buffy was still alive and living it up back in Sunnydale, therefore it seemed incomprehensible that Robyn possessed the same superpowers as her former best friend. The only rational conclusion on the matter that Willow could come to was that something must have happened to Faith, which was likely, but for some reason Willow felt like that wasn’t the real answer. At the same time, however, knowing the truth about Robyn didn’t really bother Willow so much, she was just happy to have found a friend that was a patient trainer, and was also capable of being there for her.

“Thanks Robbie,” Willow replied with a smile, “I feel like I’m getting stronger every day.”

“It shows kiddo,” Robyn answered with a laugh and a slight push to Willow’s shoulder. “I’m gonna return the keys to Chuck and say goodbye, okay? I’ll meet you out front in ten?”

“Sounds good,” Willow said, as she watched her friend exit the gym and head to the front desk. Willow smiled to herself in response to Robyn’s unique mannerisms, and reflected upon how glad she was to have a friend like Robyn in her life. Robyn had been an interesting discovery for Willow. For the first two years after she had fled Sunnydale, Willow headed north to Canada, finished her university degree, and got a simple teaching job at a local high school. Her life seemed to be heading on a very ordinary track; an ordinary, but extremely boring track. Then one evening, Willow was heading home from work rather late and having been away from the danger of Sunnydale for so long, Willow absent mindedly forgot that walking after dark was a bad idea. She took a short cut through the park hoping to make it home in time to catch the end of the special on Koala Bears on the discovery channel, when she was jumped by two vamps. They pinned her to the ground, and Willow was sure she was a goner. But, before she even knew what was happening, a dark figure emerged from the trees and pulled the two vamps off her at a lightning fast speed.

The girl, Robyn, dusted the vamps before Willow even got a chance to get to her feet. At first, Willow was unsure what she thought of this occurrence. She had been saved from vampires many times sure, but always by Buffy. Willow was confused and unsure of how this girl could have the same powers and same abilities as her long lost friend back in her hometown of Sunnydale. Willow was also put off by the fact that despite the fact that this girl fought with the same skill and discipline as Buffy, her appearance suggested great similarity to a less trampy Faith. She had dark curly hair, with bright green eyes, and a small athletic body. She wore a black jacket and t-shirt, with dark denim jeans and a UK union jack belt buckle. She was certainly attractive enough, yet Willow felt terrified, glued to her spot on the pathway as the girl approached her. When she finally reached her, she simply held out her hand and said “you okay there?”

The rest was history, and they had been friends ever since. Shortly after meeting they began spending quite a bit of their free time together, they trained together, went out together, and shared secrets they thought no one else could understand. Willow apprehensively shared the secrets of her past with Robyn, who to Willow’s great surprise was very sympathetic and understanding of the events that had transpired in Willow’s past life. Their friendship eventually got to a point where it seemed inevitable that it would develop into something more. For a long time, Willow thought she wanted a relationship with Robyn; after all she was absolutely gorgeous and incredibly sweet to Willow. After a while, Willow was getting those butterfly feelings that she never expected to feel again whenever she was in the presence of her dashing friend. But when Robyn finally admitted that she felt the same way about Willow as she did about her, it hit Willow that no matter how hard she tried to move past it, her heart would always belong to another.

Willow didn’t allow herself to think of her past life in Sunnydale much, and she especially did not allow herself to think of Tara. Yet every moment that Tara was not on her mind, she was thinking about not thinking about Tara. Everywhere she went, Tara was with her, and although twelve long years had passed now, Willow still carried a torch for her long lost sweetheart. She was sure that Tara had moved on, she had no reason not to. As far as Willow new, Tara probably hated her. Willow had nearly killed Dawn, who was like a surrogate daughter to Tara, and then fled town without even a simple goodbye. She never called, she never wrote, as far as most of her old friends knew, Willow could be dead. She had abandoned them, abandoned Tara, and although she knew it was the right choice, there wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t think about all of the maybe’s and ifs.

Robyn was very understanding of Willow’s situation with Tara, and smoothed the occurrence over very nicely with no hard feelings. Her positive reaction to Willow’s rejection and her selfless understanding of what Willow was feeling almost made Willow like Robyn even more, but she still knew that it would never work out. In the twelve years since Willow had been with Tara last, she had a few dates and even more one night stands, but no matter how wonderful each girl was, they were always nothing in comparison to Tara. Robyn was certainly different than all of those girls, and she meant a lot to Willow, but no matter what she did, she just wasn’t Tara. Even though their relationship could never develop into anything more than friendship, despite their feelings for each other, Willow was so glad to have Robyn to keep her sane on the nights when she was almost going crazy with regret. It had been twelve years since the accident, but the severity of it and her subsequent abandoning of her friends made her feel like she could never return to Sunnydale and face them, and that knowledge was often too much for Willow to bear.

Willow finally decided that she had spent enough time reflecting on bad things for the day, and shut her eyes tightly to force the regrets out of her mind. She packed up the last of her fighting gear and headed toward the entrance to meet Robyn. Willow had been training in combat for ten years now, since the week she met Robyn. Willow had always wanted to learn how to fight in hand to hand combat like Buffy did, but she was always too intimidated to ask the blonde slayer to teach her. Now that Willow didn’t do much magic anymore, her fighting skills were essential, especially since she often did patrols with Robyn. The battles that she and Robyn fought together were never quite as dire or apocalypse-y as the ones she used to face in Sunnydale, but in a lot of ways, Willow liked it that way. Sometimes, dusting a few vamps and saving a few grateful teenagers was enough, everything didn’t always have to be the end of the world up here in Canada.

Willow reached the entrance to the gym to find a smiling Robyn waiting for her. “What took you so long buddy? I was getting worried out here!” she asked playfully. “Did you fall into one of those trademark day dream sequences you always seem to have?”

“You know I did,” Willow replied with a laugh, “I was just have my daily reflection on the gang back in Sunnydale.”

“I figured,” Robyn breathed, sounding a little concerned, “how are you feeling today, any major anxiety, or is today a good day?”

Willow smiled, feeling touched at Robyn’s concern for her. Willow thought it must be difficult for Robyn to be friends with someone who was so torn apart by the mistakes that she had made in her past, but Robyn always seemed to handle it with that cool, sensible charm of hers. Robyn seemed to have infinite patience with Willow, and at first Willow thought that it might be because Robyn thought that if she persisted with her kindness, she would eventually break down Willow’s barrier and they could proceed into a relationship. But Willow knew now that her original rationalization of Robyn’s behaviour could not be further from the truth. Robyn was just a genuinely good person, and a true friend to Willow.

“I’m having an alright day today I suppose,” Willow responded, “I mean it’s not ‘one of those days,’ but it’s also not a fluffy awesomeness day either.”

Robyn laughed at Willow’s response as they reached their cars to go their separate ways.

“So are we still on for a movie tonight?” Robyn queried after a moment, “I’ve got ‘I love You, Man’ and chocolate waiting for us, you in?”

“You know I’ll be there Robyn, where else am I gonna go?” Willow joked playfully.

“I know, I know, but a girl’s gotta be polite. Can’t make an ass out of you and me now can I?”

“No I guess you can’t,” Willow laughed, “so I’ll see you tonight at 8?”

“Sure thing, later buddy!” Robyn yelled out of her car window as she drove off. Willow hopped in her blue mustang convertible and cruised off in the opposite direction. Willow had become quite successful financially in the last couple of years. When she first moved north, she secured at teaching job at the local high school, but shortly after meeting Robyn, she returned to school and did her ph. D in computer programming. Now she taught by distance to several universities across Canada, which earned her a large salary as it was, but she eventually also began contracting out to large corporations such as Google, Apple, and Microsoft. Willow loved her jobs because they were very lucrative, but also because they allowed her to work from home and also gave her a decent amount of free time. Willow`s recent financial success had allowed her to purchase many luxuries, including this 72`fully restored mustang convertible, among other things. But her favourite new purchase was her new chalet, located just outside of town at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. Her property was huge, her house was beautiful, and the location offered a great amount of privacy that Willow greatly enjoyed. Willow had many colleagues, acquaintances, and even quite a few people that she would call friends in town, but the only person she really spent any time with was Robyn. She wasn`t really sure why being alone made her feel better most of the time, but she knew that it did, so the secluded nature of her dwelling was a big selling point when she purchased the house last year.

Willow pulled up to the gates of her long, winding driveway, and admired the scenic view of where her home was located. Her house was surrounded by plant life, and trees that towered so high that her home was impossible to see from the road that went by it. The chalet was located at the foot of the mountains, so the view behind it of the Rockies hovering over her home was a beautiful sight to be seen as well. Her house itself was massive, three stories high with an attached four car garage. It was constructed of dark bricks, and had a black shingled roof, which gave it a more classic feel than many of the newer houses being constructed in the area. Willow parked her car in the garage and hurried up to the main house. She had to find time for a shower and to grab a quick nap before she headed back into town to hang out at Robyn`s. Willow walked in through her front door, and threw her keys on the hall table. She headed down the hallway into her enormous living room, ditching her shoes and jacket in the closet along the way.

Willow`s living room was beyond spacious, and the large window`s on the front of the house, as well as the glass doors leading to the patio on the back, made the room extremely well lit. There was a fireplace in the centre of the main wall with a large flat screen television above it. The room was decorated with wonderfully contrasting colors. Light hard wood floors covered the length of the room, while the fireplace and the rug at the centre of the seating area were both a dark red. The four bookshelves lining the walls were a dark mahogany, and between the two sets hung Rembrandt`s “The Mill.” Below the painting, there was a dark table that held Willow’s telephone and answering machine.

Willow casually walked by the table, and observing that the light was blinking on the machine, hit it lightly and turned up the volume so she could hear the messages she had missed throughout the day as she did other things around the house. She headed up the two steps to her spacious kitchen to grab the morning’s mail that her maid had brought in when she had come by to clean the house this morning. Willow stepped back down into her living room as the first message began to play.

"Dr. Rosenberg, it’s Joel from Google, how’s it going love? Look, we loved your latest work for us and we would love to get you on for a few more projects, get back to me okay? I’ll leave my number, it’s 555-8989. Looking forward to hearing from you.”

Willow smiled excitedly as she plopped down on her cream coloured couch. She was delighted to hear back from Google, as they seemed to offer Willow the best payments for her services. She flicked through a bit of mail as the second message kicked in.

“Hey Will, it’s Robyn. Just wanted to let you know that the download on I love You, Man stalled, boo eh? Well anyway, I’ve got a few others here so I guess we’ll just pick one when you get here. See you soon!”

Willow smiled again at the second message, the fact that neither had been from telemarketers or alumni associations made her absolutely delighted. Willow was about to get up and turn the machine off, when suddenly, a third message kicked in.

“Willow? Are you there?”

Willow froze as the voice of a British man rang though her machine. Willow hadn’t switched off the answering machines automatic cut in when she walked in, so she knew the man was on currently on the line.

“Well I suppose you’re not since the machine kicked in right away.”

Willow was frozen, she stared at the machine and willed her legs to work, but no matter how hard she tried; she remained stationary, waiting for the man to continue speaking. Her face had turned ghastly white, as though she was hearing the voice of a ghost.

“Look Willow, I know you told me never to try to contact you unless it was an emergency, but this is an emergency Willow. Something terrible is happening in Sunnydale and we need your help. I know it has been a long time Willow, but the world needs you... we need you. Get back to me as soon as you can...it’s Spike…”

The line clicked dead.

[Poniac]

Ohhh - ending it there....just pure torture! A lot can happen in 12 years, looking forward to seeing where this goes!!

[DaddyCatALSO]

An original Rembrandt and a maid excuse me? (I like it when they're rich.)

And why is it Spike who knows how to contact her? And why did he of all people try it before? Color the backstory interesting.

[alex08]

Happy to see a new non-AU story on the board. I love fics with Willow running away, update soon!

[Nue]

really nice! And to having Spike calling Will, the problem in SunnyD must be really complex!

btw, I just adored how you put Will´s feelings about Tara... even after twelve years, an old flame can burn a forest...

[Sparks]

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. I'll get to individual replies eventually, but just know I appreciate it alot!


Title: Maybes and Ifs
Author: Sparks
Rating: PG (For now...)
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy, or any of its characters, storylines, etc.
Summary: Twelve years after Willow nearly killed Dawn and skipped town, the Scooby gang is faced with a few crisis... and they need some help.
Notes: Spoilers up until the end of Tabula Rasa (pre-breakup), other than that I'm cruisin' to a different tune. So, anything that happened after that, assume it didn't unless I mention it directly.
Feedback: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

Also, special thanks to my new beta Naeryn for the help on this one!

Chapter 3: Rhyme and Reason

Willow couldn’t breathe.

She struggled to push herself onto the couch and lay down. Her mind was spinning with all of the implications of Spike’s message, as well as all of the maybes and ifs that were racing through her mind. Willow knew she would hear from the blonde vampire again, but she had expected it to be many years in the future when the death of one her friends forced him to call and let her know. Willow shuddered against the couch at that thought, and pushed any thoughts that something could have happened to one of them, to Tara, far from her mind. After all, Spike had mentioned something about Sunnydale and the world needing her, they all had to be fine. Willow sighed, finally regaining some of her ability to breathe. She remembered when Spike had tracked her down 5 years ago, and she agreed to give him an emergency contact number. It was ironic that out of all the people she still loved so much back in Sunnydale, Spike was the one that went after her.

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Willow was at a night club with Robyn, one of the few in their town. They were having a few drinks and chatting up a few pretty girls that had wandered over. By the end of the evening, Robyn’s girl was sitting full on her lap and they had been playing tonsil hockey with each other for at least an hour. Willow continued to talk to the other girl, as they laughed and joked about their respective friends' behaviour. The girl, Jennie, was pretty cool; she was super smart, funny, and very sweet. Willow knew they would never have any more than a one night stand, but when Jennie suggested they get out of there together, Willow excitedly agreed. It had been a while since Willow had last hooked up with a pretty girl, and she could use the release. She quickly excused herself to grab her coat and told Jennie that she would meet her at the front door in a few. She tried to signal to Robyn that she was leaving, but she was too busy sucking on what’s-her-name's tongue to notice. Willow sighed at her inner thoughts, okay so maybe she was a little jealous. After all, she did like Robyn, and maybe this was a good sign. Maybe she was beginning to get over the whole thing with Tara and she could finally move on.

Willow headed toward the back of the club to hit up the coat check. The lady who had taken her coat at the beginning of the night was nowhere to be seen, so Willow opened the door herself and walked into the small closet to find her coat. The room was dark and small, and to be honest with herself, it was quite a bit creepy. Willow quickly snatched her coat and exited the small closet with great haste. She was about to bolt toward the door when something suddenly grabbed her wrist. Before she could turn around to see what it was, it had yanked her out the back door to the alley. Willow, who should have been startled, was unafraid. She had been training with Robyn for a few years now, so she knew she could manage to do away with a few lousy vamps.

Willow grounded herself, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the light so she could make out who her attacker was. It was strange, she thought, that the assailant had not taken advantage of the amount of time her eyes were taking to recover from the darkness inside the club’s closet. When Willow’s eyes finally adjusted, her heart almost stopped beating when she saw who had pulled her out of the club. She would recognize the blonde vampire anywhere, even after all these years, but she had to admit that there was something different about him. He wore a short black jacket, rather than his trademark leather duster, and dark denim jeans with light blue shirt. He looked a lot cleaner cut and sophisticated than she remembered, but there was something different in his eyes as well - he looked kinder.

After the few moments of dumbfound shock passed, Willow finally whispered, “Spike?”

“Hello Red,” Spike replied with a cheeky grin.

“What the hell are you doing here Spike?” Willow asked, now fully in control of her brain once again. “I mean, I mean… how did you find me?”

Spike laughed, somewhat mockingly at Willow’s question. “Come on Red, you should be able to put two and two together, I thought you were one of those genius brainiac types. Or have you lost that too?”

“Not funny, Spike. Now, tell me how you found me. I have no problem dusting you if I don’t get an answer,” Willow said sternly, slightly lifting the leg of her jeans to reveal a stake strapped to her leg.

“Alright alright,” Spike replied, backing off slightly, “I’m not here to fight Red, I just figured you’d realize that it would be easy for me to find you. You’re hanging around a slayer, I’m a vampire. All I had to do was travel around for a bit, asking questions before her name came up, with yours attached to it. I hear you’ve been getting into the physical side of the slaying, good for you, Red.”

Willow was put off by the fact that Spike no longer seemed to be mocking her, but seemed actually happy for her that she was learning how to defend herself. She brushed off the strange behaviour, attributing it to the fact that Spike was clearly here because he want something. ”Okay Spike, let’s cut to the chase. Why are you here and what do you want?”

“I’m here… I’m here to bring you back, Red.”

“Spike…” Willow started, she was slightly startled by Spike’s admission, but also wanted to let the vampire down easy, for some reason. “It’s been seven years, and… I… well that’s a long time and…. Spike, I can’t go back.”

“Why not, Red? What’s keeping you here in this poor excuse for a town, the beautiful weather you have? You always did love the snow and frost in Sunnydale, didn’t you, love? I mean..”

“Spike! Shut up!” Willow interrupted, turning her back on him. Even thinking about returning to Sunnydale overwhelmed her with a flood of emotion. She wiped her eyes quickly and took a deep breath, before turning back to Spike and asking, “why are you the one that came after me anyway? Oh, and yeah, if you want me back so bad, why the hell did it take seven years!?”
“
I’m not here on behalf of myself Red, although don’t get me wrong, I have become fond of you over the years.”

“Then why are you here Spike?”

Spike sighed, and turned his back on Willow, as if the reason why he had come all this way to find her was too painful for him to recall. He plopped down against the side of the alley on a pile of crates. She sat down beside him, confused, but incredibly intrigued and anxious to hear what he had to say next.

“They miss you, Willow.”

Willow’s eyes went wide. Her mind had raced through all the possibilities of why they would need her back in Sunnydale. Apocalypses, big bads, various levels of family crisis, perhaps even… a death. But they missed her?

“What?” Willow finally choked out.

“They miss you Willow, they put up a good front but I know it’s true. Whenever anyone even mentions your name the room goes silent, they all look like they’d just seen a bloody ghost. I don’t think they’ve ever even admitted it to each other, but I see them, I see through them. Dawn writes in her journal everyday about how she wishes you would come home, we’re still pretty tight so the little bit told me without me having to do too much snooping around,” Spike finished with a small laugh. He looked over at Willow who suddenly seemed to find something on her feet very interesting.

“And Xander, well, his big man lip quivers whenever he sees a picture of you, or someone mentions you. Then Anya, in her ever so blunt way will say ‘don’t worry, he’s not going to cry until later,’” Spike said in a voice mocking that of the former demon, “but even she usually concludes that statement with an ‘I miss Willow too'. Buffy has never said anything to me, but sometimes she just cries, for apparently no reason and will never tell me why, I can only assume it’s because of you. Giles of course just acts all stoic and quiet whenever you’re brought up, but he misses you too, he spent the first two years you were gone calling contacts all over the world to try and track you down. And of course, your girl…”

“She’s not my girl!” Willow shouted back angrily, jumping to her feet. She willed herself not to allow the tears forming behind her eyes to explode into a never ending waterfall of tear drops at the mention of her former lover. Willow crossed her arms defensively and turned back to Spike, “at least, she’s not anymore.”
.
“Well, I suppose that’s true, you did abandon her didn’t you?” Spike said sort of sadly. “But I know she misses you. You tore her to pieces, Willow. She cried for a year after you left, and since then, she won’t even mention your name. She leaves the room if you’re brought up, it hurts her so much.”

Willow squat down and buried her face in her knees as she listened to what Spike was saying about Tara. Of course she knew she had hurt the blonde, but hearing all those horrible things, the pain that she had caused - it was too much for Willow to bear. The tears began to fall as Willow stood up straight; she changed the topic off of Tara so that she would not begin sobbing and crying altogether.

“So what are you doing here Spike? Why did you come after me? Do they even know you’re here, and better yet, why do you even care how they’re feeling?”

“Look Red, I'm not the one who walked out on them for seven years without even a simple goodbye,” Spike retorted angrily, “and a lot has happened in the past seven years and you have no bloody right to judge how much I care about them.” Spike kicked the ground angrily, but quickly composed himself. Willow had reached the full extent of her confusion at Spike’s behaviour. She stopped and looked into his eyes. What she found there was love, peace, and kindness. She thought for a moment before being suddenly stuck with a realization.

“You… you have a soul,” Willow stuttered out, shocked at the conclusion she had come to. “How… how?”

“That’s not important, Red. What is important is getting you back to Sunnydale so they can stop being miserable, and you can stop being miserable.” Spike grabbed her wrist and began tugging her along. “Come along Red, my bike's just over here, if we leave now we can probably make it back in a few days."

Willow allowed herself to be dragged for a few moments, feeling elated and hopeful at the prospective of returning to Sunnydale, but she quickly realized what was happening and pulled away.

“No, Spike,” she sighed sadly, “I can’t go back, not now, not ever.”

“But why not, Red? They’ve forgiven you, I know they have.”

“You can’t know that for sure Spike, you just can’t. I did a terrible thing, and I’m still paying the price for that. I’m sorry that they miss me, but… but they’re better off without me,” Willow finished with a sob. Her resolve finally crumbled and she began sobbing freely into the night air.

Spike looked concerned and stepped toward Willow, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. “

Look Red, I’m your friend, and… and I love the gang back in Sunnydale. I can’t stand to see you all in so much pain.”

“Spike... if you’re really my friend, you’ll let me live in my misery here, and you won’t tell anyone that you found me.”

“But Red, you know I have to…”

“No, Spike. No,” Willow interrupted, “I have to stay here, this is just something I have to do.”

Spike sighed and began to walk away. He turned back and said, “you can’t keep punishing yourself forever, Willow.” Willow looked at her feet, trying to not think about the implications behind Spike’s words. She took a few steps towards his bike, as he quickly added, “just promise me you’ll think about it, think about coming home.”

Willow nodded to him, although she knew it was insincere. She knew nothing short of the end of the world could make her return to Sunnydale, but her false gesture seemed to offer Spike a little bit of comfort.

“I won’t tell anyone you’re here,” Spike added as he turned the ignition on his bike, “but if they ask, I’m going to tell them you’re okay. Although, Dawn is the only one who knows I went looking for you, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that.”


“Thanks Spike,” Willow whispered softly, she considered something for a moment before pulling a small piece of paper out of her pocket and writing something on it.

“Here,” she said, shoving the piece of paper into Spike’s hand, “it’s my number… just in case. Just please Spike, do not give this number to anyone else, and… it’s only for emergencies. Please, only call if it’s an emergency.”

Spike nodded and held the small piece of paper to his chest, signalling his promise to Willow. He smiled before putting on his helmet and adding a sincere, “take care of yourself, Willow,” before driving off into the distance.


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Willow watched Spike disappear into the distance, wondering if that was the last time she would ever hear from the blonde vampire. And now, five years later, hearing his voice come through her answering machine had left Willow with a mountain sized pit in her stomach. After Spike’s visit, Willow didn’t sleep soundly for months. Her thoughts and dreams were haunted by the words Spike had spoken, and the images of the pain and sorrow in her friends that they had produced. And now, hearing his voice again had brought back everything at full volume. The accident, leaving, their pain, Tara’s pain, it had all haunted her for years, but now it was seeping into her bloodstream like some kind of poison. She let out a staggered breath, and she shut her eyes, willing the pain to go away.

Willow felt the day change into night as she lay sprawled on her couch, unmoving, for hours, thinking, wanting, wishing, hoping… dreading. She wondered if she could really muster up the courage to return to her hometown, it had been so long. The years had dragged by in agony for Willow, and sure there were good times. But Willow’s demons haunted her, and with each passing year a new link was added to her chain of regret that kept her tied to this place, preventing her from returning home. Eventually, Willow’s eyes fell shut from mental exhaustion, and she slipped away into a thankfully dreamless sleep.

A few hours after the sun had set, Willow was startled awake by a loud knock at her door. Even after hours of thinking and dwelling on Spike’s message, the shock had not passed yet, so Willow was unable to get up and answer the door. She lay still as the knocking got loud and louder, until eventually she heard a key turn in the lock. Willow’s heart sped up as she heard her door open. She willed herself to move, but she could not, she was frozen in place. Her breathe hitched as she heard the door shut softly, and footsteps began to descend the hallway. She slowed her breathing down in hopes that the perpetrator would not notice her in the dark if he could not hear her. Willow was quivering with fear until she heard a concerned voice softly call out her name. It was Robyn.

Willow had completely forgotten that she was due at Robyn’s long ago for a movie. Robyn had probably tried to call when Willow was sleeping, but the machine would have picked up right away, and the message would not have been loud enough to wake Willow from her slumber. When she could not reach Willow by telephone, Robyn was probably pretty concerned, a notion that Willow smiled at. She was beyond relieved that Robyn was in her house and not some crazed murderer, although at this point she wasn’t really sure if she meant that sentiment. Willow tried as hard as she could to sit up and call Robyn over, but before she could muster up the strength, she heard Robyn whisper, “oh my God,” as she ran to Willow’s side.

Robyn knelt down next to Willow on the couch and brushed her hair out of her face. Willow looked up at her and saw great concern in her eyes. “What happened, Willow?” she whispered softly.
Willow looked up at Robyn, and with great strength, lifted her arm to point toward her answering machine. Robyn followed the path with her eyes and saw the blinking light on Willow’s answering machine. Puzzled, she stood and walked towards the machine. Robyn pushed the button, and the mechanical voice introducing Willow’s messages kicked in. After a moment, Spike’s message started and Willow shut her eyes tight. Robyn observed this, confused, until she heard the end of the message mention Sunnydale and the name of the man that left the message. Robyn’s eyes went wide in shock, as she pressed the button on the machine to stop the next message from playing. She returned to Willow’s side, kneeling next to the troubled red head lying on the couch beneath her. She took Willow’s hand in comfort, causing the distraught woman to look up at Robyn in appreciation for her understanding and concern.

After what seemed like hours, Robyn finally asked, “so, what are you going to do?”

Willow sighed; she had calmed down enough now that she was sure she would be able to communicate her feelings to her best friend.

“I’m not sure,” Willow admitted, speaking for the first time since she had heard Spike’s message so many hours ago, “I mean, I have to go back right? If they need me… but… I can’t.”

Robyn sighed in response to Willow’s admission. She reached down and brushed her hand along Willow’s cheek. Willow sighed into the comforting gesture. Robyn grabbed Willow’s other hand and held them both to her chest.

“Willow,” she started, “just remember, the only thing you need to do is whatever you feel is right. Okay?”

Willow nodded in response, but at this point she wasn’t sure what she thought was right. Her whole world was spinning, and Willow would do anything to make it stop, but she didn’t know what the right choice was. The thought of returning to Sunnydale, to Tara, excited Willow to her very core, but also filled her with a deep sense of dread. It had been so long since she had last seen the family she had abandoned, and despite what Spike had said so many years ago, it was unrealistic for her to expect them to welcome her with open arms. But Willow could not shake off the feeling that trouble was brewing in Sunnydale, and that despite the heartache and agony that it would bring, she may have to return to her hometown. She looked to Robyn, hoping to find an answer to her dilemma in her caring friend's face, but Robyn knelt beside her quietly, her stare proving un-judging and unbiased. Her eyes reflected the fact that Robyn would accept whatever Willow’s decision was with a quiet understanding, and would stand by her side no matter what.

Willow was so conflicted; she stared at Robyn, and reflected on how good she had it here. Robyn loved her, Willow knew it, and although it was an unconditional love that would remain between them, whether their relationship stayed platonic or became something more, Willow still wasn’t sure which she wanted. She had made up her mind a thousand different times about Robyn, but now as she lay vulnerable and broken below her loving friend, she was once again back where she had started. Robyn seemed to be the only thing that was allowing her to stay away from Sunnydale; she gave her something else to think about, to look forward to. Maybe becoming intimate with Robyn was the answer to staying away from Sunnydale. If she could overcome her feelings and dive into this, she could forget Tara and Sunnydale and live happily ever after at the foot of the mountains with Robyn.

Without realizing it, Willow had pulled Robyn closer, to the point that their breath was mingling. Willow looked into Robyn’s eyes and saw fear and confusion.

“What are you doing, Willow...?” Robyn whispered as if hoping to spring Willow from this sudden trance she had fallen into.

Willow knew this moment had to come, or she could never know whether or not she should return to Sunnydale. Willow’s breath hitched as she realized she had reached a crossroads in her life, and what she felt in the next short moments would shape the path that the rest of her life would take. Feeling a surge of courage, she grabbed a startled Robyn and pulled her on top of herself on the couch. Before she could stop herself, she placed a soft kiss on Robyn’s cheek. She pulled back, and Robyn appeared dumbfounded, but Willow sensed that Robyn had a bit of understanding as to why she had to do this. Willow let her eyes begin to fall shut, and as if some unseen force was pulling them together, their lips finally met.

In the ten long years they had known each other, their relationship had a romantic subtext, but this was the first time their lips had met. The kiss started out soft, but quickly ignited into a more fiery expression of their feelings for each other. After a few moments, Robyn pulled away, awaiting Willow’s response and reaction to the events that had just transpired. She looked directly in Willow’s eyes and whispered, “so?”

Willow smiled what she felt the most honest smile she had smiled in years and whispered, “I have to go back to Sunnydale.”

Robyn grinned, “you’re lucky I’m not the type to get put out by you jerking me around like this, kiddo.”

Willow looked apologetically at Robyn, who she knew was probably hurting a little bit, but would of course never show it. “Robyn, I’m sorry. I love you too, and you know that. And that kiss was wonderful. It would have made any other girl’s earth shatter, but I… I…”

“You love Tara,” Robyn finished, with a sad smile, “I’ve always known that Willow, and hey, if I had of known kissing you would make you head back to Sunnydale and finally face your past, I would of planted a wet one on you years ago,” Robyn joked ,as she pushed herself off of Willow.

“Thanks for being so understanding Robyn. You’re awesome, you know that?”

“Thanks, Will,” Robyn replied as she got to her feet, “I hope this Tara knows how lucky she is.”

“I hope so too,” Willow muttered.

“So I guess we’re going to Sunnydale, are we?” Robyn queried.

Willow smiled, “yeah, I guess we’re going back to Sunnydale.”

Willow thought she would never say those words again, but now that she had ultimately determined the fate of her relationship with Robyn, she knew Sunnydale, with Tara, was where she belonged. She excitedly scrambled to her feet and began to run to her bedroom to begin packing before suddenly screeching to a halt. She turned back to face a very amused looking Robyn.

“Wait a minute… we?”

[jay/wt4evr]

yay they're going back to merry ol Sunnydale Luckyly Robyn is understanding yayy

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for good update-y goodness... I hope Tara is able to face Willow without totally breaking down and that she would listen why Willow left her and begin to forgive her so that they can start the vital getting back together process...

[Nue]

ha, I really like Robyn, she is so understanding and loving...

now, Will... go back to SunnyD and to your girl!

[Anlorew]

ooo I like it. I can't wait to see what happens next. I hope it involves many willow/tara smoochies in the near future

[DaddyCatALSO]

hmm, patience, patience, het ells himself, I'm sure we'll find out what Tara's been up to soon enough. Robyn seems nice, and I like the attitude of wanting to be where the world-ending action is.

[guitar_girl]

Wow. great story! I love where u are going. Update soon, please. P.S I love Slow dancing in a burning room

[WillowRulez]

I just started reading this story and I love it! I sometimes have trouble picturing Willow and Tara older but maybe I should just picture HIMYM-Aly ?
I hope you will update real soon!

[ophelia11]

I loves me the angst! This setup certainly has lots of openings for it. Though running away from your problems rarely yields positive results, it sure makes a great setup for a story.

When Willow first got the phone call I assumed it was Giles. Instead, you've created this interesting "past" with Spike that's very exciting. Although I imagine when the rest of the gang finds out Spike knew about Willow for years he's going to get quite the pummeling, poor fellow.

I'm anxious to read the beginning moments of the rocky reunion. Though they've missed Willow for sure, I foresee tension and pandemonium ahead. For Willow's sake, I think having Robyn along will help though I suspect Tara will be more than a little jealous.

Exciting beginnings. Can't wait for more!

[Sparks]

ophelia11 Thanks for your comment! I love angst as well, and I love the thick set of emotions that surround lrunning away from your problems and not returning for a long time. I move and travel alot myself, so I have alot of first hand experiences with people's reactions. Spike and Willow's encounter is an interesting development indeed, I think Willow will find Spike a great asset, as well as Robyn when she makes her return to Sunnydale. Hopefully, adding this new vibrant personality in Robyn to the Scooby mix will not create too many negative emotions, we'll have to wait and see I guess .


WillowRulez: Thank you kindly. I don't really picture older Willow as HIMYM Aly (I try to keep them separate in my mind because I love those shows so much.) I just picture longer red hair and dressing more maturly, like she does in season six and seven.

guitar_girl: Thank you very much, I hope you will enjoy this next chapter. I love John Mayer, great musician.


DaddyCatALSO; Tara will get her say in the last decade eventually! Robyn is a bit of a dare devil, but wanting to be where the world ending action is also has alot to do with getting WIllow back there.


Anlorew: Thanks for your comment, when I get to the smoochies I'm sure you'll be more than satisfied.


Nue: Thanks for your comments. I'm a fan of Robyn myself haha. Their friendship is actually based on one between myself and a friend of mine.


Zampsa1975: Thanks for your comment. The getting back together process will start before you know it!


jay/wt4evr: They're certainly on their way thats for sure. Robyn is a great companion for Willow, I really enjoy writing their friendship, and you'll come to find she's very important to the story.


alex08 I love Willow running away fics as well!


Poniac Thanks, I've always been a fan of the cliffhanger.


willow_tara_always Thank you, glad you are enjoying it.


Claidia Thanks alot, my writing still needs a bit of work, but I'm getting there .


Zooeys Bridge It's just the best, eh?


I hope I didn''t miss anyone....

And now... an update![/b]

[Sparks]

Title: Maybes and Ifs
Author: Sparks
Rating: PG (For now...)
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy, or any of its characters, storylines, etc.
Summary: Twelve years after Willow nearly killed Dawn and skipped town, the Scooby gang is faced with a few crisis... and they need some help.
Notes: Spoilers up until the end of Tabula Rasa (pre-breakup), other than that I'm cruisin' to a different tune. So, anything that happened after that, assume it didn't unless I mention it directly.
Feedback: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!


Chapter 4 – Fool To Think

So this was it. After twelve years, Willow was finally heading back to Sunnydale, and although she was unsure of what she would find waiting for her there, she was incredibly anxious to find out. On the other hand, Willow’s nerves were running rampant at the thought of facing the gang again. But, at least she wouldn’t have to face the music alone, since Robyn had volunteered herself as her companion for the trip. At first, Willow had protested slightly to Robyn’s suggestion, claiming that she didn’t want to burden her by pulling her way from her job and life here in the mountains, but Robyn wouldn’t hear any of it. Robyn’s persistence on accompanying Willow was a good thing for her anyway, because Willow felt a lot better about her impending trip knowing that her best friend would be with her every step of the way. Besides, if there really was trouble brewing in Sunnydale, Robyn was a slayer, and they could probably used her help as well.

As Willow packed her bags, preparing for the journey and eventual stay in Sunnydale, her mind began producing images of various reactions that her old friends would have when she returned. She pictured them as angry, sad, joyous, surprised, and even downright indifferent, but she knew that ultimately she could not predict their reactions. She would never know how it was going to happen until she arrived in Sunnydale and finally faced them after all these years. Yet her mind kept producing images of their reactions, until eventually they all melded into a single fantasy of Tara welcoming her back with open arms. Willow was not actually expecting that kind of reaction from Tara, because although she knew it would hurt the most, she hoped that Tara would react angrily to her return. That was, after all, what she deserved.

It had been twelve years since Willow had walked out on her blonde lover, and although a lot can happen in that amount of time, Willow would never expect Tara to have forgiven her. Willow had committed the ultimate sin against her, and for that she was paying the ultimate price. She knew she didn’t deserve any breaks, she knew that Tara should hate her. Willow had spent over a decade punishing herself for her mistakes, and for running away from them. But it seemed like no matter how much pain she was in, it just wasn’t enough. Knowing how much she had hurt the love of her life had tortured Willow, and bestowed upon her many sleepless nights. Willow closed her eyes and remembered the last time she had seen the blonde. They had a fight; a fact that brought Willow to tears even to this very day.

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Willow inched in the door of the Summer’s home just before six am after spending the night out partying with Amy. She still had a slight high from all the magic the two had conjured up throughout the night, but she had come down enough that she was confident she could sneak into the house and crawl into bed without stirring any of her sleeping housemates. Then, she could get a couple hours sleep, and when Tara questioned her the next morning she would tell her she got in at two instead of six; it was the perfect crime. But even if she did get caught, Willow knew it was worth it; because right now, she truly felt wonderful. Amy was a good time and it felt good to be able to use magic however she wanted, without anyone nagging and bitching at her about it. Willow’s whole body was buzzing, and surprisingly, she didn’t feel bad about it. More surprising than that, she didn’t feel bad about the string of pretty girls she had spent her evening shamelessly flirting with. Although Willow knew that she loved Tara, she was beginning to think there was more out there for her to see than just the pretty blonde she had spent the better part of the last two years with.

Willow shut the front door behind her silently, and began creeping toward the stairs. She slowly snuck past the living room, and quietly reached the bottom step. She smiled triumphantly and began ascending the stairs, when she heard a voice float out from the living room.

“Home so soon?”

It was Tara. Willow froze in place, biting her lip and silently swearing under her breath as she realized she had been caught. She spun around and descended the few steps she had managed to climb before being busted. She reached the living room and saw Tara sitting on the couch with her arms and legs crossed. She was fully clothed, and appeared to be wide awake; and she looked pissed.

“Um... hi,” Willow managed to squeak out in the face of Tara’s angry glare.

“Willow, it’s six o’clock in the morning, where the hell were you?” Tara asked angrily, with a twinge of annoyance in her voice.

“I was just... I... I was out.”

“You were with Amy, weren’t you Willow?” Tara said as more of a statement than a question. Tara sighed sadly and shook her head. She looked up as Willow with tears in her eyes as if she was about to say something, but her train of thought seemed to roll onto a different track as she suddenly seemed to be trying to figure something out. She cocked her head sideways as if she was studying her, as if she was looking for the answer to why she felt something was off about the redhead. Willow couldn’t look Tara in the eyes, her guilt and shame was boiling under the surface as she waited for her blonde girlfriend to realize what was wrong.

After a moment or two, Tara seemed to come to a conclusion. Tears came to her eyes, and she shook her head angrily. “You’ve been using haven’t you?” she asked with a twinge of anger in her voice.

Willow’s stomach knotted at Tara’s words. She felt like she had betrayed Tara, and the guilt was overwhelming. Willow looked at her feet, unable to meet Tara’s cold gaze. As Willow remembered the night, and quickly recalled how much fun she had, her guilt and remorse quickly turned to anger. What right did Tara have to tell her what to do? If it feels good, do it, right?

“Why does it matter if I’ve been using,” Willow spat, now suddenly furious, “magic makes me feel good.”

Tara appeared taken aback by Willow’s sudden change in mood, but Willow’s angry reaction seemed to fuel the fire already burning in her eyes.

“Willow magic is extremely dangerous, you know that!”

“Again with the danger!” Willow retorted mockingly, “newsflash Tara, everything in Sunnydale is dangerous. And you know what, magic makes me happy, and I need something to do that every now and then.”

Tara looked shocked at the harshness of Willow’s words. Tears formed in her eyes and began trickling down her face. Willow felt a twinge of regret at what she had just said, but it was soon replaced with the fiery anger that was building inside her. Tara was standing now, she walked towards Willow so that they were almost touching. Half of Willow wanted desperately to reach out and touch Tara just so she could feel her, but the other half, the currently stronger half, was ready to scream and fight until they both couldn’t stand each other any longer. Tara looked into Willow’s eyes with a hardened stare that was both furious and sad. The room lay silent for what seemed like hours as they stared each other down, until Tara finally whispered, “do you really feel that way?”

“I don’t know what I feel anymore Tara, I just don’t see what’s so wrong with me liking to use magic, I mean it’s...”

“Because Willow, I feel like I’m losing you!” Tara shouted, interrupting Willow in mid-sentence. Tara turned away from Willow and took a few small steps, putting a small amount of distance between them. She crossed her arms defensively, and even from behind, Willow could tell she was crying.

“Willow, it’s like you’re not even you anymore,” she said as she turned back to face Willow, “it’s like... you’re not my Willow anymore. The way you used to look at me, the things you said... it feels like it’s all gone. And when I look in your eyes when we’re making love... it’s like you’re not even there... like it’s not enough for you anymore,” Tara choked out, as she turned away from Willow once again.

Tara’s falling tears quickly grew into choked sobs and Willow’s anger quickly melted into concern and remorse for putting such ideas in Tara’s mind. She took the few small steps separating herself and the blonde, and softly snaked her arms around her waist. Tara sighed through her sobs and leaned back into Willow’s embrace, leaning her head against Willow’s and placing her hands over top of hers as well. Tara turned in Willow’s arms, allowing Willow to see the tears falling freely from her eyes. She moved her hands up and gently brushed the tears away, before kissing her cheek softly. Willow kissed Tara’s cheeks, then her forehead, then her eyes, and her nose, until finally their lips met in fury of want and need. Willow’s hand groped up the blonde’s back, as Tara hungrily pulled at the back of the redhead’s neck trying to pull her closer. Their passion had ignited, and Willow thought that nothing would put it out, until a few moments later, Tara pushed her away.

“No Willow! No... you can’t just hold me, and kiss me, and expect all of this to go away,” Tara seethed, as she backed away from Willow.

“Fine,” Willow breathed, no longer angry, but feeling defeated, “I’ll... I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

“I think that’s best,” Tara nodded, sobbing in between the sentence.

“I have class all day tomorrow, and the evening is my night with Dawnie... so when I get in, if you’re not down here waiting for me... I’ll just assume I’m sleeping here again,” Willow whispered sadly.

Tara nodded, and with a single lingering look, left the living room sobbing with her arms across her stomach, and ascended the stairs. Willow’s resolve broke as she watched the blonde disappear and she collapsed into a sobbing heap on the couch.


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If Willow had of known that, that would be the last time she would see Tara, she would have followed her up the stairs and apologized. She would have kissed her, and loved her, and held onto her as if she would never let go. But she didn’t. Instead, she remained on the couch, where the steady flow of tears, combined with her magic-induced stupor, eventually caused her to fall into a dreamless sleep. She awoke a few hours later, and had snuck out of the house before anyone else woke up. Willow didn’t go to class that day, instead she went to her parent’s house and caught up on some sleep before her big night out with Dawn. And then of course, there was the accident. Willow still feared what the gang would say about her recklessness and irresponsibility all those years ago. She was lucky she didn’t kill Dawn, and lucky she didn’t kill herself for that matter, and she knew that was not something to be taken lightly by anyone. But despite her discrepancies in that department, Willow was still mostly worried about facing Tara. Willow had been punishing herself for walking out for so long, but now, if Tara would have her, Willow was willing to spend the rest of her life redeeming herself for the mistakes she had made. She was ready to face her demons, and possibly rekindle the greatest love she had ever known.

She knew this visit to Sunnydale would either be the best or worst decision she would ever make in her life, but she knew she had to make it. Not only because she had to own up to had her past, but also because of what Spike said about Sunnydale being in trouble. The thought had barely crossed her mind since she had decided to head back to her hometown, but Willow had a feeling it was something big. Willow shuddered at the thought of facing another apocalypse; she had thought those days were over. But in all fairness, Willow knew that facing the end of the world would be no worse than the pain she was enduring here.

Willow’s mind drifted back to images of her friend’s faces reacting to her return. Her fantasies quickly turned sour as she pictured their faces hurt and angry at Willow’s sudden reappearance, preventing them from moving on. Willow suddenly stopped packing, and threw the jacket she had in her hands back in the closet instead. She shook her head as she realized this was the way it was supposed to be, she was supposed to suffer for what she had done. She belonged here in the mountains, alone. Sure, going back to Sunnydale would be painful at first, but it potentially had great outcomes. She could be reunited with her long lost family, and of course, be reunited with Tara. But did Willow really deserve a second chance? She didn’t think so. She was scum who had walked out on everything she loved instead of owning up to her mistakes. Tears flowed freely down Willow’s cheeks, as she realized that even after all these years, even knowing Sunnydale was in danger, and even knowing that it was, at one time, painful for the gang to lose her... they were still better off without her in their lives.

Willow collapsed back onto her bed and tossed her open suitcase on the floor. After a few moments, she sat up and scooted to the edge of her bed towards her mini bar and mixed herself a drink. Even though it was nine o’clock in the morning, the burning sensation and subsequently tingling in Willow body from the alcohol acted as an adequate calming effect allowing her to lay back and relax for a few minutes. Robyn would be here in an hour, and Willow would have to gear herself up to face her best friend and convince her that it was better if they simply stayed here. Willow cringed at the thought that the fight with Tara would be their last encounter ever, but she tearfully knew that it was for the best.

The hour seemed to creep by slowly as Willow waited for Robyn. She was nursing her second drink of the day and leaning on the wall at the corner of her bed. Every second ticked by excruciatingly, as Willow wouldn’t allow herself to think about the implications of her decision to remain here in the mountains. Eventually, after what seemed like days, Willow heard the door creep open and Robyn’s voice ring out through her halls.

“Hey Will, I’m here and all ready to go buddy! Where are you?” Robyn shouted out, with clear excitement in her voice. Willow felt bad that in just a few seconds, her words would extinguish every bit of anticipation in Robyn’s voice, but she knew it had to be said.

“I’m in my bedroom,” she yelled back, trying not to sound too upset. She soon heard Robyn’s footsteps approaching her door, and she took a deep breath in preparation for the difficult conversation she was about to have.

“Come on buddy,” Robyn started, “the car is running, do you need help with your...” Robyn trailed off as she laid eyes on Willow, crumpled in the corner of her bed with a drink in her hand. “Oh Willow...”

“I can’t do it Robyn,” Willow began, trying to keep herself from sobbing, “I walked out on them, I hurt them... I’m pathetic. And they deserve better. I’m supposed to stay here and waste the rest of my life away in pain... it’s the right thing to do.”

“You know I support you Willow...”

“Really?” Willow asked, confused by the Robyn’s lack of protesting.

“Of course I do, I’ve supported you for the last ten years, through the pain, through the memories, and through everything else. And now, I’m going to support you on your journey back home.”

“But Robyn...”

“No buts, Willow,” Robyn interrupted, “I’ve watched you punish and hate yourself for too many years now. You have so many reasons to go back, besides finally facing your demons. You’re still in love with Tara, you could see your family again, and Sunnydale might need you, Willow. Oh and did I mention Tara?”

“Robyn,” Willow sighed, “I know there are plenty of reasons for me to go back... it could be great... but I don’t deserve that.”

“Bullshit,” Robyn retorted with a spark of anger in her voice. Willow was taken aback by Robyn’s tone, she had never heard the fair-skinned brunette speak like this. “You can’t keep punishing yourself forever Willow,” Robyn continued, “I know you think you’re making the noble decision, but you’re really just afraid of what you might find waiting for you back in Sunnydale. If you don’t go, you’re a coward, Willow.”

“No you don’t understand... I have to keep paying for my mistakes Robyn, it’s the right thing” Willow whispered, feeling like a scolded child.

“You’ve spent enough time paying for your mistakes here! If you really want to make amends for what you’ve done, you have to go back, tell them you’re sorry, and face it head on,” Robyn said back, with great passion and fire in her voice. “You’ve spent enough time punishing yourself in solitude, and if you won’t go back to make things better for yourself, them and possibly the world, then think of it as another part of your punishment if you have to. It’s the “owning up” phase.”

Willow smiled slightly, she knew Robyn was right. She had been a fool to think she could just rot away here in her mountain chalet, punishing herself for something that had happened twelve years ago. It was time to make amends, and Willow was ready.

“Alright,” Willow replied slowly, “I mean... I know you’re right.” Willow jumped up off her bed with new found source of energy propelling her, grabbed the pile of clothes next to her and threw them in her suitcase. She kicked it closed, and yelled excitedly, “let’s do it!”

“Ah, now there’s my Willow,” Robyn responded with a smile, “I knew I could get you to come around. You finish up in here; I’ll grab some of your stuff and meet you outside.”

Willow nodded, as Robyn grabbed one of her bags and disappeared out the door. She silently berated herself for being so stupid as she went to her closet to retrieve her discarded jacket. Leave it to Robyn to show her how big of an idiot she was. Willow took one last look around her room, and whispered into the air, “wish me luck.”

She locked up her front door, and exited her home from the back one, which was easier to lock from the outside. Willow circled her house and found Robyn waiting for her outside of her blue Toyota. All the windows were down, and Highway to the Dangerzone was blasting from the speakers, as Robyn stood out front doing a weird little dance to the music.

“You ready to go kiddo?” Robyn queried as she did a little disco dance towards Willow.

Willow laughed at Robyn’s antics, and joined in a little herself. When the song was over, she looked at Robyn’s car and laughed. Robyn looked at her quizzically, and inquired, “what’cha laughing at there Will?”

“Robyn,” Willow began, “we’re going to California. We are so taking my mustang.”

Robyn beamed at Willow’s suggestion and replied, “you’re the boss ma’am, just show me where to park.”

After parking Robyn’s car in Willow’s garage, the two women loaded up Willow’s mustang with their luggage and various travel paraphernalia and zoomed out of Willow’s driveway. As they reached the highway, Willow smiled a little to herself as it finally hit her that she was actually going back to Sunnydale. She didn’t know what lay ahead for them in her home town, but for the first time, she knew she would be able to handle it. It was time for her to face her past; time for her to go home.

[Owl]

Hullo! I've been reading and enjoying and failing at feedback, sorry for that.

I'm loving the angst and the guilt and the not knowing what's been happening in Sunnydale for the past 12 years, which I'm sure we're going to learn all about in future updates. It's been really great reading from just Willow's perspective because as far as the Scoobies go, we're just as much in the dark as she is and now that she's going back there's all these wonderful feelings of trepidation and excitement. I'm muchly anxious to see both how things are gonna go down once Willow and Robyn get to Sunnydale as well as to learn the reason Spike called in the first place. Also, can I please have Willow's mustang when she's done being lone-wolf pain gal and has settled into domestic bliss with Tara once again?

Thanks for the update, can't wait for the next!

[WillowRulez]

I don't really picture older Willow as HIMYM Aly (I try to keep them separate in my mind because I love those shows so much.) I just picture longer red hair and dressing more maturly, like she does in season six and seven.

Maybe I should try to picture her more as S7 Willow but older. The problem is when I try to picture older Willow I think of how Aly looks now, hence the HIMYM connection. But I will be alright, I'll figure it out
Great update! It's good that Willow has a friend like Robyn who wont take her crap and helps her through everything. Am excited to see what will happen next!

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for good update-y goodness... I really hope that Tara is not too angry at Willow when they meet and Willow really quickly tell Tara that she is single and Robyn is definately not her girlfriend...

[jay/wt4evr]

Yay They're going back!!
Ok I had said that already,still....they're going back!!!

[Anlorew]

magic makes me happy, and I need something to do that every now and then

whoa harsh! I could practically feel Tara's hurt after this. Willow had no right to say something like that, and I think that line accurately depicts how our of her mind she was when she was addicted to the magics. Kudos.

Half of Willow wanted desperately to reach out and touch Tara just so she could feel her, but the other half, the currently stronger half, was ready to scream and fight until they both couldn’t stand each other any longer.

I love the imagery here of Willow's internal battle with herself, due to the influence of the dark magics.

“Willow, it’s like you’re not even you anymore,” she said as she turned back to face Willow, “it’s like... you’re not my Willow anymore. The way you used to look at me, the things you said... it feels like it’s all gone. And when I look in your eyes when we’re making love... it’s like you’re not even there... like it’s not enough for you anymore,”

Ok I nearly broke down when I read this. Poor Tara...

But did Willow really deserve a second chance? She didn’t think so. She was scum who had walked out on everything she loved instead of owning up to her mistakes. Tears flowed freely down Willow’s cheeks, as she realized that even after all these years, even knowing Sunnydale was in danger, and even knowing that it was, at one time, painful for the gang to lose her... they were still better off without her in their lives.

Ok I have a bit more sympathy for Willow now. She seems like she's been beating herself up for a few past mistakes for far too long. It's really sad that she's got it into her head that they're all better off without her. It's also ironic because she's probably hurting them even more by staying away, I'd wager.

Well I look forward to reading more updates of this story. I really enjoy it. Like Willow, I am also extremely curious to see the Scooby gang's reactions to her coming home. Somehow, I sense there's still much angst in the future. Am I right? Anyways, I love the story. Please update soon

Ps...I really like Robyn. She's sweet. I'm glad Willow has a good friend like her

[Star Catcher]

I totally adore this fic! I'm waiting for more updatey-goodness. Who knows what lies in Sunnydale? Maybe the First is taking over, or Spike could've just tricked her into going. Did Willow phone Spike and say she was heading over, or is she a surprise guest? I really hope the Scoobies don't shun her. I really like Robyn, she's a nice charachter and totally what Willow needs in a best friend. But not in a girlfriend. I physically whimpered throughout the whole Willow liking her ordeal. And, I'm still shocked that it's Spike out of all people who've contacted her, I would've thought it'd be Giles. I'm looking forward to an update in the nearby future. ^^

[Sparks]

After a looooong ( well sort of long) I have another update! But first, here's some responses to feedback. Hope I didn't forget anyone!

Star Catcher: Thanks for your feedback! It's true, who knows what lies in Sunnydale? That's the fun of it though isn't it? No one knows! Well, except me, I know what lies there, but that's a little different eh? I'm a fan of Robyn too, I very much so enjoy writing her. But don't worry, Willow's crush on Robyn was something I needed to use, but they are, of course, just best friends. Hope you enjoy this next update.

Anlorew: Thanks for your all your feedback! I'm very glad you are enjoying the story. Also, thanks for your compliments on Robyn, I've received alot of positive response on her! I know everyone is anxious to see what is going on in Sunnydale, but it's coming sooner than you think! As for the angst, I don't want to give too much away so I guess you'll have to keep reading

jay/wt4evr: Thanks again for your feedback! Yes they are indeed heading back, haha! Hope you continue to enjoy the story.

Zampsa1975: Thanks! We'll just have to see what's going on with Tara in Sunnydale!

WillowRulez: That's how I picture her, but I totally get why you picture HIMYM Aly. I love that show, so sometimes I do it too, but I try really hard to seperate the characters in my head. I guess I think Willow wouldn't be as hot and distinguishable without her red hair. Also, thank you once again for the feedback, I'm glad you are too enjoying my Robyn character, as well as the story! Hope you will continue to read and enjoy.

Owl: Thank you very much for your feedback. I'm glad you picked up on the "fear of the unknown" and "remorse" motifs that I'm going for. I have to admit, I'm excited to finally get them to Sunnydale and to start to answer some questions, as well as present many more! And hey, if you want possession of Willow's mustang when I'm finished with it, you're more than welcome, as long as you don't mind that it's fictional . Glad you're enjoying it, and I hope you keep reading!

[Sparks]

Hey everyone! I'm back with another update! I hope you enjoy it!

Title: Maybes and Ifs
Author: Sparks
Rating: PG (For now...)
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy, or any of its characters, storylines, etc.
Summary: Twelve years after Willow nearly killed Dawn and skipped town, the Scooby gang is faced with a few crisis... and they need some help.
Notes: Spoilers up until the end of Tabula Rasa (pre-breakup), other than that I'm cruisin' to a different tune. So, anything that happened after that, assume it didn't unless I mention it directly.
Feedback: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!


Chapter 5: Big Eyed Fish

The wind ran through Willow’s hair as they drove through Washington state just south of the Canadian border. Robyn had taken over driving in Abbotsford just before they crossed the border, and now Willow was leaning back in the passenger seat lazily twirling her hair and humming along to Robyn’s Death Cab cd. They were still at least an hour from Spokane, where they planned to spend the night in the nicest place they could find along the highway. Willow was glad that, unlike when she had fled Sunnydale over a decade earlier, she wouldn’t have to spend the night in cheesy, dirty motels due to not being able to afford anywhere better. Willow cringed slightly at the thought of her journey all those years ago, and struggled to fight off the burning feeling her stomach that the memory created.

She glanced over at Robyn who gave her a small reassuring smile, almost as if she could tell what Willow was thinking. She felt a little relieved at Robyn’s subtle reassurance and she began to settle herself once again. Her mind began to drift off to imagination land, where she continually pictured the many outcomes and possibilites that were awaiting them in Sunnydale. Willow was sure everything would be different, but she still hoped that somehow nothing had changed. She knew however, that, that was not a realistic possibility. The only thing she had heard from Sunnydale in the last twelve years was the small amount of information she recieved from Spike during their short encounter five years ago. Beyond that, she knew nothing, and alot can change in five years. All that Willow really could be sure of is that some of the gang was still in Sunnydale, and that something big was happening. As far as she knew, Tara could have left Sunnydale within the last five years and could be living on the other side of the world right now. Willow shuddered at the thought, because she knew that if the blonde was not in Sunnydale, she would likely never see her ever again. But somehow, Willow knew she was still there, she could feel her as she got closer and closer to facing her once again.

Willow sighed and snapped herself out of her reverie. She decided not to allow herself to think about Sunnydale and what was waiting for her there until tomorrow. For now, she wanted to enjoy a great night with her best friend. Considering the fact that they would reach Sunnydale by tomorrow evening, Willow knew she would have to enjoy the night, because it could be her last good one for a while.

Before she even knew what was happening, Willow watched as Robyn took the exit to Spokane. She could hardly believe that they were halfway to Sunnydale already, and that knowledge made her more than a little nervous. Willow quickly pushed Sunnydale out of her mind and internally chastised herself for thinking about it. She watched cars and lights go by as Robyn drove through the city looking for a nice hotel they could spend the evening in. After almost a half hour of searching, they settled on the Davenport Hotel, arguably the nicest hotel in the area.

“Geeze Robyn,” Willow breathed as they pulled up to front door of the hotel, “expensive taste much?”

Robyn laughed and playfully shoved Willow. “Come on Will, you know you love to spoil me,” she joked as she jumped out of the car to allow the valet to park it.

Willow grabbed their backpacks from the backseat and locked the rest of their luggage in the trunk for the night. “Spoil you? Yeah right! Like you’d settle for anything else,” Willow replied with a laugh.

“Oh yeah, because I’m such a diva!” Robyn laughed back while striking a disco pose.

They headed in through the front door in hopes of landing the biggest suite in the place. Once inside, Robyn strutted up to the front desk with Willow in tow. Within a few moments, and more than enough of Robyn’s girlish charms, the shy girl at the front desk was giddily handing over the keys to the luxury suite on the top floor of the building for a more than reasonable price.

“You’ve still got it,” Willow joked with a playful shove as they headed into the elevator.

“What that? That was nothing, I was just being polite. She was pretty cute though,” Robyn responded as she turned around and gave another wink to the blushing receptionist.

“Nothing! She was practically drooling on you! And I didn’t see you being ‘polite’ like that to the greasy, balding valet out front, or did you invite him back to the room for drinks as well?”

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t,” Robyn replied laughing.

“Well, if you did, consider me gone for the evening,”

Robyn laughed loudly as they stepped out of the elevator into their luxury suite. The room really was gorgeous, complete with high ceilings and huge windows offering a large amount of light and a beautiful view. Off of the main room were two bedrooms, each complete with a large bathroom and a queen sized bed. And, topping of their luxury abode was a large hot tub built in to the floor.

“You know what, I take that back,” Willow retracted excitedly, “there is no way I’m giving up this room to some middle aged greaseball.”

Robyn laughed, “no worries Will, the only greaseball in this room tonight will be you.”

“Pfft,” Willow responded in mock outrage, “well I guess you’ll be drinking alone tonight madam.”

“Come on Will, even if I was serious, you so know that’s not true.”

“Alright, alright, I know. Come on lets head down to the bar and get ourselves some liqour-y goodness!”

“Now that my friend is a brilliant idea,” Robyn exclaimed, dropping their backpacks and pulling Willow back into the elevator.

The hotel lounge was as gorgeous and pricey looking as the rest of the glamorous hotel. They took a seat in the back corner of the bar and scanned through the rather extensive drink menus trying to come to a decision as to what would be their poison for the evening. Before long, a very attractive dark haired waitress approached the table with a sultry smile on her face. Willow could not help but notice that her small black top only barely covered her more than ample breasts. She glanced over at Robyn, who seemed to be suddenly having a problem with keeping her mouth closed.

“Hello ladies,” the waitress breathed in a soft, husky voice, “my name is Gabrielle, and I’ll be your server for this evening.”

“Hi.. um.. I mean.. uh, hello there,” Robyn managed to stutter out, altogether suprising Willow with her shaky voice, “my name is Robyn, and this is Willow.”

Willow raised an eyebrow at Robyn’s behaviour, and kind of chuckled to herself as she said a quick hello to Gabrielle. The waitress turned her eyes to Willow, and stared through her with a look that seemed to say “I want to devour you.”

“Hey there cutie,” she whispered to Willow, slightly leaning forward onto their table, “what can I get for you this evening?” she asked, turning her attention back to Robyn.

“I’ll have um... I’ll just have... ahh... um... a double rum and coke,” Robyn sputtered out.

“I’ll have the same,” Willow said, holding back her laughter at her normally suave friend’s attempts to communicate with the attractive women in front of them.

“You know,” Gabrielle started, leaning into the booth and practically sitting on Willow’s lap, “there’s alot more than I can get for you. Are you sure you don’t see anything else you like?”

Willow looked over at Robyn, who's jaw had dropped so far she could swear it had hit the table. She smiled politely at Gabrielle and simply replied that she was fine. The waitress shrugged and mumbled something about changing her mind before running off to the bar to fetch their drinks. Willow turned back to Robyn, who still looked as though she had just seen a four headed horse.

“You okay buddy?” Willow asked, kind of poking Robyn in the shoulder, “so... what was up with that?”

“Will... she was so hot I could barely talk and she was all over you,” Robyn gushed, seeming to regain her ability to speak, “I mean wow! You must really have it bad for that Tara girl to turn down that!”

“Meh, sure she was attractive, but I mean come on! ‘There’s alot more I can get for you?’ Don’t you think that seems kind of... you know.. slutty?”

“Will, with boobs like that she can say whatever she wants. Most people wouldn’t be listening anyway!”

“You’re such a pig Robyn.”

“Yeah, yeah I know. But come on, you at least have to agree with me that she was smokin’!”

“I already said she was attractive Robyn,” she argued, “she’s just I don’t know, not my type.”

“Well, now I’m even more excited to see this Tara girl... she must be a babe!”

Willow twisted slightly at the mention of Tara’s name, and her eyes glazed over as an image of the blonde glimmered in her mind. Willow could clearly picture her long legs and slightly curvy body, her ample breasts and intense blue eyes. She remembered the shape of her lips, the way she smelled, and the way her hair would tumble in front of her face as she laughed. Willow had always thought that Tara was the most beautiful woman she had ever laid eyes on, but in all reality she had no idea what she looked like now.

“Yeah, she’s something else,” Willow finally responded not really knowing what else to say.

A few moments later Gabrielle brought their drinks. Willow eagerly grabbed hers and gulped it down, quickly ordering another to replace it. The thought that she was going to come face to face with Tara tomorrow had re-entered her mind, and now Willow was feeling more than a little nervous.

Within a little over an hour, and more than a few rum and cokes, however, Willow was beginning to feel alot more relaxed. Her vision was blurry, her speech was slurred, and the whole room just wouldn’t stop spinning, but it didn’t matter because she felt great. Sunnydale no longer seemed like a worry, that was something that she would have to deal with tomorrow, and for now, she was just having a great time. She glanced over at Robyn, who was now chatting up the blonde receptionist from earlier who had recently joined them after getting off work. Robyn had only had half as many drinks as her, but Willow could imagine that she was feeling pretty good right now as well.

“...so the man looked at the guy and said: ‘turn it around,’” Willow heard Robyn joke as she tuned in to the conversation for the first time since the blonde had joined them. She let out a loud over-exagerated laugh at Robyn’s joke, inciting a strange look from the receptionist girl.

“Feeling okay, Will,” Robyn asked, half teasing, but also a little concerned.

“I’m doing fiiiiiiiiine,” Willow responded with a slight drawl, “don’t worry’ bout me, I just rummed too many dranks! ...I’ll be okay though! ‘Cause you know it’s all like ‘whoa!’ But then it’s like ‘okay,okay’.”

“Wow Will, you really pounded those back huh?” Robyn queried, taking notice of the large amount of glasses that surrounded her intoxicated friend, “what do you say we get you up to bed?”

“Hah! Get me to bed? How long have you been trying to do that now Robyn!” she rambled drunkenly, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you know if wasn’t for Tara I totally would... but I just love her waaaaaaaaay too much, and, and... she definately hates me,” Willow finished, laughing uncontrollably.

Robyn shook her head, and got to her feet. “Okay Will, it’s bed time, say night night to the nice people,” she said as she leaned down to pull Willow off her stool.

“No I think it’s night night time for you Robyn! Hah! Robyn... that’s a bird’s name you know.”

“I know Willow, it’s a bird’s name. Now come on an fly with the birdie, let’s fly off to dream land okay?”

“Okay,” Willow responded, giving in, “let’s gooooo,” she finished, standing on the bar stool and jumping into Robyn’s arms. Luckily, with Robyn’s slayer strength and Willow’s less than average weight, Robyn had no problem catching the flailing red head and carrying her out of the bar. Willow lay limp over Robyn’s shoulder, simply enjoying the feeling of floating, and of course not having to walk. Just as they headed around the corner, Willow caught sight of Gabrielle standing behind them with a strange look on her face. For some reason, the way that she was glaring at them was troubling her and she attempted to get Robyn’s attention. But, before she could open her mouth, she had succumb to the full affects of the large amount of alcohol she had consumed and passed out on Robyn’s shoulder. The last thing she saw as her eyes fell shut was Gabrielle standing in the distance and ominously waving at them.


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The next morning, Willow awoke to a loud, piercing drilling sound. Startled, she shot upright, only to quickly realize the noise was coming from within her own skull. She groaned as she forced herself out of bed to get some painkillers and water to combat the grinding pain, and hopefully to silence the loudness of the after effects of her night out. She could remember very little about the previous night, only that she had probably drank enough to fund the building of several more Davenport Hotels all around the world. She cringed and bit her lip as she stumbled forward and accidently stubbed her toe on the nightstand. She fumbled around for some advil and popped it back with some water that was presumably left on the night stand by Robyn. Taking a quick glance at the clock, she quickly noted that it was barely 6 in the morning. She looked around the room and noticed that the place looked like it had been ransacked. The dresser was knocked over, the mini-bar was half empty and inexplicably, there were towels everywhere.

“Knock, knock, drunky head,” Willow heard Robyn say from the other side of the door. She yanked open the door to reveal a fully clothed and ready to roll Robyn. “Geeze Will, we can’t hit up Sunnydale today with you looking like that.”

“Ugh, Sunnydale!” Willow groaned, throwing herself back onto the bed, “I can’t go to Sunnydale today, let’s go tomorrow,” she finished, covering her head with a pillow.

“Willow, come on, get up now,” Robyn responded slightly annoyed and ripped the pillow off of her head. “Get up and shower, I wanna be on the road within an hour.”

“Come on Robyn, give me a break.”

“Sorry Will, but you’re the one who got rip roarin’ drunk last night, and now you’ve gotta deal with the consequences. Besides, this is why I’m here, to push you along when you get weak, and I know today is going to be the worst one.” Robyn ripped the blinds open exposing a large amount of light into the room and causing Willow to scream and shield her eyes.

“Ahh, Robyn, turn down the sun!”

“Come on Will, get up, get up, get up! Either you do it yourself, or I’ll make you.”

“Okay okay, you don’t have to be a mega-bitch about it.”

“Yeah, yeah, you know you love me Will, and you need some tough love if we’re gonna make it to Sunnydale today. Now go shower!”

Within an hour, or maybe a little bit more, the girls were on the road once again. Due to Willow’s extreme hangover, and more than extreme trepidation of returning to Sunnydale, Robyn decided that she would be in charge of driving the whole way. By their calculations, they would reach their destination by 9:00 this evening, just after nightfall. Willow settled into the passenger seat as they started back onto the highway, allowing herself to rest and fight off her hangover so should could have at least some strength for facing Sunnydale later on this evening. Now that the day was upon her, Willow allowed her thoughts and fears of the day to come to flood her mind. After twelve years, today Willow would set foot in her home town once again. The town where she grew up. The town where she learned about friendship, family, and just the how scary the world really is. The town where she found out just what it means to be in love. She wondered what that first breath would taste like, how the town would look today, but most of all, she wondered about the gang. Had they changed? Did they look different? Were they all still there? Were they happy? Were they sad? Did they miss her?

About six hours into their journey, Willow’s mind finally boiled over with questions and she finally had to ask one to Robyn.

“Do you think they hate me?”

“I’m sure they don’t hate you Willow,” Robyn responded quickly.

“Well, do you think they’re mad?”

Robyn seemed to consider this question for a moment, before responding, “I can’t say for sure Willow. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. The real question is, do you want them to be mad at you?”

Willow was stunned at Robyn’s question. She leaned back in her seat and really thought about how to answer it. Of course, she expected them to be mad. She expected them to react with anger, and for them to yell and to scream and to spit on her for having the gall to return after what she had done to them. At the very least, she expected them to act distant and hurt because she had walked out on them so many years ago. In all the years since she had left, Willow had told herself that these reactions, and everything in between them, were what she would deserve if she ever returned to Sunnydale. And maybe, she thought, she did still deserve that. But for the first time since she had left over a decade ago, Willow realized that those were not the only options.

“No,” she responded after more than an hour of contemplation, “no I don’t want them to be mad.”

Robyn smiled slightly, seemingly satisfied with the personal growth Willow had shown in her response. For the next six hours of their trip, the pair barely spoke. Robyn hummed along to her various indie rock cds as she drove, and Willow dreamlessly slept off the remnants of her hangover.

Willow lazily opened her eyes to the image of a beautiful sunset and felt rested and healthy. Proud of her body for fighting off one of the most evil hangovers of her life, she excitedly sat up in the seat to engage Robyn in a conversation about how wonderful her immune system was. But before she could even get a single word out, Willow spotted something on the side of the road that stunned her to silence. Her stomach lurched sideways and her eyes stung with tears as she stared in disbelief at what most people would deem an uneventful sighting. But to Willow, what she saw before her at this very moment was likely one of the most terrifying things she would ever see in her life. Her breath hitched as her eyes scanned the road sign they were about to pass.

The sign read : Welcome to Sunnydale.