You Don't Know Me

[Justified12]

What would it have been like if Willow and Tara had been best friends in high school?

What if Willow had been gay and Tara straight?

What if the unrequited love she felt for her best friend was so strong that it eventually tore them apart?

[Justified12]

Title: You Don't Know Me

Author: Justified

Rating: PG for now (although there is some bad language)

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, I'm just using them for fun

Summary: Willow and Tara are best friends in high school... however in a twist of characters, Willow is gay and Tara is straight. For years Willow has felt an overwhelming yet unrequited love for her best friend... but in the last few months, she has begun to feel unsettled about her own erratic actions and emotions. The need to keep her true feelings from Tara is quickly becoming too much for her to handle. Will her secret love tear their friendship apart?



CHAPTER 1


I watch her every day. Sometimes I think she can feel my eyes, tracing her movements, savouring her beauty. Other times I know she’s oblivious. I remember when I was just an outsider, looking in longingly at her smile, wishing that I was the one causing it. I knew from the moment I saw her that she was the one I would love for the rest of my life. If only she felt the same… but she never would. I don’t really mind that much though. I would rather her contentment than my own anyway. I vowed from the first time I looked into her flawless blue eyes to make my goal in life her happiness. I would see her through all the hard times, make her pain go away when I could and keep her safe. Sometimes that role is hard though. I feel like nobody could ever love her the way I do. She was perfect…she was Tara.

Over these years I’ve seen her grow. I watched her settle for boys less than worthy of her perfection, chase after a kind of relationship that no mere teenage male could ever give. It was difficult to watch her waste time on them, knowing all along that I could give her the respect and safety and love that she craved so badly. I would give that girl whatever she asked for in a heartbeat… but she didn’t want anything from me. I had long since gotten over that fact. After all, I just hoped for her to find someone she loved as much as I loved her… but that didn’t stop me from wanting to pummel every single boy she dated to a bloody pulp. Was it jealousy? Highly likely. I tried to excuse it with some sense of over-protectiveness. She could do better. They were idiots. This phrase was true of every boy our age, so I was safe to justify my hatred of her dates through this means… for now.

Her last boyfriend however had gone way too far. He crossed the line between normal male stupidity and being a total asshole. He had committed the most unforgivable relationship crime, cheating. Even if Tara did give him a fair beating when she found out, I still felt like he deserved to suffer… again and again and again. I contemplated taking my revenge on him so many times but she stopped me. It was hard to stay insane with anger and hatred when the voice of reason came from her. Instead of slitting his throat with a rusty razor, I stayed home with her for the week of suspension she received for punching the bastard out in class. I held her while she cried and did all I could to make the hurt go away. Unfortunately, that was very little. Her puffy face made it difficult for me to stay strong and often she’d glance up, with the most pained expression in her eyes and just ask me why. It was then that I felt a mixture of blind fury and sorrow. The jagged pieces of her broken heart cut through mine and we shared the anguish more than she could ever imagine.

All that was nearly six months ago now. I still wanted to land a punch square in the middle of his smug face every time he walked past… but her hand on my arm held me back. The light touch would dizzy me and in order to keep focus and stay upright, all my attention was drawn to balance. It was now the middle of winter and a particularly dark and gloomy day to say the least. I sat beside Tara in the library, one iPod headphone in each of our ears, listening to her favourite brand of heavy screamo music. She was reading a book as I stared off into the distance, savouring the grinding guitar; over-paced beat and harsh screaming that reverberated in my ear. I sighed calmly as my thought pattern took a familiar turn. Smiling to myself, I stretched my arms out over the table we were sitting at. ‘I hate boys.’ It was a statement I often made and she smirked at me. 'You would. Don’t all lesbians? Isn’t it like an unspoken alliance or something?' I raised an eyebrow sarcastically at her and returned a trademark mocking response. 'Alliance? Don’t discriminate against me because I'm different! We cant all be straight like you.' To emphasize my point, I shoved her in the arm at the end of my comment. Her eyes went wide and she grabbed her arm defensively. 'Hey!' She whined as she pushed me back. 'Who says I’m totally straight anyways?' Although my heart instinctively sped up as I watched her wink at me, I knew it was all in good fun. 'Oh shut up! Just because you kissed one random girl while drunk, it does NOT make you bi.' I grinned mischievously, knowing how annoyed that would make her. 'Bi?!’ She glared at me in disbelief. ‘I hate bi people! You know that!' I raised my eyes in sarcastic recognition and shot back a question. 'Yeah well... what were you referring to then smartass?' I titled my head, making sure she noticed that I was trying to catch her out. 'Wouldn’t you like to know?' Her mischievous grin threatened to melt my entire body… but I covered it skillfully with an affectionate insult. 'Damn right I would biatch.’ She smiled widely. 'I bet you would ho!' In typical fashion, I frowned at her, mock annoyance in my narrowed eyes. ‘Fuck…you.’ The affront only made her smile more. 'I know you would.' She purposefully wiggled her amazingly cute eyebrows at me. 'Because I’m so darn sexy,' She lifted her chin slightly, a perfectly practiced false arrogance in her expression. Despite the raging heartbeat in my chest, I shot her an overdramatic eye roll. ‘You wish.’ Actually I wish…gods, she IS incredibly sexy…

I shook my head and continued our game. 'Gods... is it like some unspoken alliance for all girls to think that just because they're best friend is a lesbian, that they're in love with them?' My incredulous tone and quirked eyebrow inspired Tara’s own smug retort. 'I run the unspoken alliance.’ I let out the first thing that came to mind, even if it was completely true. 'Oh so now I'm in love with you huh?' Although the question was riddled with mockery, I wondered if she could somehow sense the honesty in my words. She crossed her arms complacently and leered. ‘Like you aren’t’. Fighting every instinct I had in my body, I teased her further. 'Oh Tara! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!' As smoothly and confidently as I could manage, I threw my arms around her shoulders. ‘Please come have some hot lesbian sex with me behind the book stacks!' I glanced at her with what I thought might be similar to over-dramatic lust. She returned a devilish grin. 'I know you love me baby and I love you too… Those book stacks are lookin’ mighty inviting!' We held the position for a few seconds, smiling at each other in amusement, until finally I couldn’t take it any longer. I wanted so badly for her to be saying that… well, not in so many words, but the general idea of the comment, for real. Just to add to it, her close proximity was making my head swim and I knew it was time for me to get out. I hastily unwrapped my arms from around her neck and shoved her gently in the shoulder. ‘Don’t be an idiot.’ I could feel my cheeks heating up as I spoke, trying to remain calm while my insides felt as though they might explode.

Thankfully, she laughed it off, not looking into my change of mood too much. 'What? I was just playing along!’ She paused, another thought occurring to her. ‘I do love you though Will, you've always been there for me.’ Her words were grateful and loving and before I knew it, my body was wrapped up in a gentle hug. The warmth of her arms was unbearably enticing and I sank into the embrace appreciatively.
‘Y-yeah…’ I stuttered faintly as I inhaled her familiar scent, reveling in the softness of her body. As we pulled away, I felt compelled to quickly look down at my forgotten schoolwork, picking up a pen and continuing with the pointless task. I thought it might help to distract me from the surging of my yearning heart… or at the very least, give away nothing to Tara of what I was truly feeling.

[jay/wt4evr]

Uh. Oh. Well..wow.
ps oh, crap. that's gonna be angsty.....I looooove angst!!

[Zampsa1975]

Story straight from the Angstville Chronicles... update-y goodness soon?

[Paint the Sky]

Ooh, i'm liking this. Ah, the pain of unrequited love. Been there, done that, stole the t-shirt.

The jagged pieces of her broken heart cut through mine and we shared the anguish more than she could ever imagine.

That line was just lovely.

And their conversation in the library was very real. That thing were you start raising your hopes but that element of fear that holds you back from taking the teasing into reality. I rememember it well.

Can't wait for more, a really nice start.

[whatmakesyouhappy]

WOW I really like the start of this and hope to see more coming!

[AlysonGoddess]

Oh my god, I can totally relate to this story, UGH! I feel the same way Willow feels towards Tara, only the girl knows that I like her, sigh, well anyways enough of my life story hehe, please continue!!!!

[Lifty]

Welcome back! Great start, totally frickin awesome! Update now

[Princess Cordy]

go Jus!

this is awsome. cant wait for more :-)
whats-her-name above was right, the library scene was very real, the dialogue was well written.

more pwease!

x.o.x

[Princess Cordy]

i shall post another comment now in appology to Paint the Sky,
i couldnt remember ur name while i was typing that lol. sorry!

x.o.x

[Justified12]

CHAPTER 2

We spent the rest of our lesson in comfortable silence and as the bell rang signifying the end of the day, Tara turned off her iPod and began gathering her books. We caught the bus home together, as we did every day and poked fun at the teenyboppers sitting just in front of us. We got off at our stop and although I lived a few streets in the opposite direction, I walked her home, as per usual. I was about to say goodbye when she asked me inside to hang out for a while. Grinning, I accepted and followed her into her room. Throwing my bag down just inside the door, I playfully climbed the ladder onto her bed, which was elevated above her desk, and flopped down theatrically on the covers. She laughed and turned on her computer.

I looked up at the ceiling, enjoying the feeling of just lying where she slept every night. The smell of her pillow was intoxicating. ‘Hey Will, check this out.’ She called from below me and I leant my head skilfully over the edge of the bed to study the computer screen. It was a picture of the two of us from her birthday. She’d edited it so that it had an artistic border and was now coloured black and white. I grinned. ‘That’s awesome.’ It was at that point I noticed my head growing heavy from hanging upside down. ‘Whoa… too much blood to the brain.’ I pulled myself around to lie on my back again. Memories of the night of her birthday came flooding back. We were having a great time, hanging out, laughing, eating plenty of junk food and then, apparently out of nowhere, she just broke. Given, the ‘incident’ with her bastard of an ex was only a little while before, but nobody had really expected the sudden emotional hurricane in the middle of such a seemingly happy night. I clenched my fists slightly, remembering how it felt to watch her in so much pain on what should have been ‘her’ day. Gods I hated him. A few mouse clicks from below drew my mind from its memory-derived state and soon there was some quiet music emanating from the computer speakers. I shut my eyes and put my arms behind my head. I always felt so at home in her room. Soon, I could hear her footsteps on the wooden floor and flinched as I realised that she was climbing up the ladder to her bed. My eyes flew open. ‘Hey there.’ She half-smiled. I instantly shifted over to make room for her and she crawled over to lie beside me. Being a single bed, there was little room for the both of us to move but I inched as far towards the edge as possible. Finally, Tara settled on my left.

We both lay on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, our arms touching ever so slightly. You’d think that after being best friends for years and coming across situations such as this on a regular basis, it would have stopped making me nervous…it didn’t. I still felt that twinge of anticipation when we touched. Not every time, but relatively often. My heart still raced when she smiled or laughed sometimes. Her amazing blue eyes making my knees weak was almost standard procedure… but it was times like this, when we were completely alone, doing nothing in particular, that I felt the most tension. I so badly wanted to turn onto my side and wrap my arm around her waist. Lean over and place a gentle kiss on her lips. I pictured myself running my hands through her hair, softly caressing the sides of her face with my fingers, slowly trailing kisses along her neck and ears. The stillness and silence made me frustrated beyond belief, so to compensate, I started to babble. ‘So you doing anything this weekend? I was going to catch up on my homework and stuff... Unless you wanted to do something? Because you know that’s always better than homework... Some quality Tara-time lying around, watching movies or listening to music... Or maybe we could do our homework together? Which is really geeky and now I’m babbling and so I should stop.’ I giggled nervously and threw a hand over my face. ‘Its okay Will… calm down.’ She laughed from beside me and patted me playfully on the arm. The platonic touch didn’t escape my over-sensitive skin however and I shivered slightly. Hoping she hadn’t noticed, I turned my head partially to look at her. I noticed a stray piece of hair in her face and smiled. Instinctively, I reached over to move it and it wasn’t until my hand lightly came into contact with the side of her face, that I realised this action was probably very inappropriate.

Quickly removing my hand, I contemplated rolling over the edge of the bed and making a break for it… but then it occurred to me that action would likely be more suspicious than the original one. Her eyes gazed at me curiously, obviously surprised by the intimate touch. I could feel my breathing increasing and I knew it was time for me to leave. I tried to stay calm, act like a sane person as I explained my rushed exit. ‘I… uh… I should get home. Mum will probably be worried… See ya tomorrow.’ I hurriedly threw my legs over the side of the bed and dropped to the floor. Picking my bag up, I turned and waved at her from the doorway before practically running out the house.

As I stumbled out of her front door, I shook my head in exasperation. I had always been this in love with Tara. I always felt this attracted to her, I always wanted her this much... it was a normal thing. So why had I been acting like such a spaz the last few months? Well, more so than usual. I had been extra jumpy, extra nervous and I was almost sure that it was only a matter of time before she figured me out. My stomach lurched at the thought. It would be a complete disaster if she ever learned my true feelings. The fact would ruin our friendship, make her uncomfortable and probably even repulse her. I cared about her so much; I couldn’t handle being the cause of her feeling upset in any way. I exhaled a long, slow breath. It would be the end of the world if she ever found out. I needed to be extra careful from now on, get my emotions in check and push any inappropriate desires aside.

It’s not like I hadn’t had to do it before. It’s said that jealousy will drive a person mad… and yet I suffered long, painful bouts of it and somehow still survived with my sanity relatively in tact. Second hardest to seeing the person you love hurting, is seeing them with someone else. I made a huge effort to be happy for Tara, wanting to believe that her content was enough to satisfy my own longing… but I couldn’t deny the fact that I knew I could make her happier. For a long time, I was tortured with images of her with other people. At school, I’d watch them together first hand and at home, I’d replay the scenes over and over until my eyes burned with frustration. I spent many nights crying into my pillow and thrashing around in my sheets, knowing exactly where she was and what she’d probably be doing. My heart would ache and throb until eventually the torture was just too much, and I’d collapse from exhaustion, quickly falling asleep. However, even my dreams were plagued with the gut-wrenching images. I remember how helpless I felt on those nights… and yet; the suffering I endured was all in vain. She didn’t even know how I felt. She never would. That’s how it needed to be.

She liked boys. I was a girl. It was so matter of fact but I couldn’t get past it. I somehow felt that her lips, her body, even her time, belonged to me and me only. A ridiculous notion yes… but it felt so wrong that she could be someone else’s. I kicked a rock along the footpath, watching it bounce into the gutter then onto the road. Sighing for about the millionth time that day, I decided to keep my distance from her for a while. I knew it would be hard and I knew it would hurt but I had to do something to keep myself in order. Love isn’t exactly an easy thing to control.

****

[jay/wt4evr]

Why do I think that Tara has supects about Willow's feelings for her by now?. hope she figures out soon

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for update-y goodness... I hope Tara soon get's a clue of what Willow feels about her and starts to feel same for Willow...

[whatmakesyouhappy]

I'm so impressed with your writing ,your story is wonderful I hope you keep it coming and if I'm not asking for to much soon!

[masterjendu]

Love isn’t exactly an easy thing to control.

Isn't that the truth, indeed!!! This is a wonderful insight into unrequited and seemingly hopeless love, Justified! I'm definitely looking forward to more.

[Nenyath]

Eek, angsty goodness! But heavens, how close it comes to an experience in my own teenage years! Her name was Sandra, she was beautiful.. She reminded me so much of Tara, shy, blonde, blue eyes, a compassionate heart.. It took one look at her and I was determined to get to know her, I did, she had no boyfriend, had never had. I was so sure and I was so afraid... A year passed when I certainly pulled myself together to ask if she had ever considered being with a girl? The violent denial broke my heart.. I did tell her in the end though and she was very supportive. We kinda drifted appart from that though, I went away for a year and when I came back she had so radically changed that there was not much left of the blonde shy girl.. But that was years and years past, sorry for babbling about it here but your story just so reminded me.. My heart has long since mended by the way..

I'm looking very much forward to the developements of this story and hopefully for a better end than my own teenage experience, after all, Tara and Willow belong together fiercely!

[Paint the Sky]

And the pain continues. Lovely update. You express Willow's thoughts and feelings so accurately.

There little incidents in which Willow almost gives in to her feelings, each one had me catching my breath and mentally holding her back from making matters worse for her.

Really good stuff here, I love how your building the angst, and the first person narrative always leaves us wondering if Tara feels the same, which in itself compounds the unrequited nature of Willow's feelings.

I'm so looking forward to how all this pans out.

[BlackIndiaInk]

Yay Justine!! A most interesting story as usual.

[katjetson]

Oh, the pain... The anguish... Willow so rife with "the frustration"... I feel like most anyone can relate to this story; whether it's the exact circumstances or not. Unrequited love, no matter what form it takes, is truly crushing.

And this:

Sighing for about the millionth time that day...

I get it. Totally. Sometimes your body doesn't know what to do, and your voice doesn't know what to say, and all you can do is sigh to release some of that pain.

Boy, do I really like this story already!

[Moonbug]

Hail fellow Adelaidian!!

This update was ‘heaps good’!! Oh, I have so been where Willow is and have the scars to prove it. I can recall all too well the pain of the unrequited love and don’t envy her one iota! The pain, the angst, the tears...gah! As Kat would say it hurts so good. Brilliant, love it, want more!!

And thank you for reminding me of teenyboppers. A. How cool AND how fun is that word?! B. How lame am I to have forgotten it??? If you come across a twenty(ish) something girl protesting loudly against the teenyboppers in the mall on a Friday arvo it’s probably me in full grandma mode and I have you to thank for the terminology.

Moon

[Belli Bear]

Hail fellow Adelaidian!!

This update was ‘heaps good’!! Oh, I have so been where Willow is and have the scars to prove it. I can recall all too well the pain of the unrequited love and don’t envy her one iota! The pain, the angst, the tears...gah! As Kat would say it hurts so good. Brilliant, love it, want more!!

And thank you for reminding me of teenyboppers. A. How cool AND how fun is that word?! B. How lame am I to have forgotten it??? If you come across a twenty(ish) something girl protesting loudly against the teenyboppers in the mall on a Friday arvo it’s probably me in full grandma mode and I have you to thank for the terminology.

Moon

oh my god i totally didn't even notice you were from Adelaide! Both of you i'm from Adelaide too!! or add-a-lady as some call it go campbelltown lol (wow that sounded laaaame...) how random, I wonder if I've ever walked past any of you in town before , wicked!


aaaah... but moving onto the feedback section! I'm really getting into this story, I first read it because I thought that the title was just super awesome, it really struck me because its such a provocative thing to say to someone (especially someone you're close to) each update gets better and better so I'm def gonna sit this one out and find out how these two mess up and make up



-bell xxx

PS: my girlfriend (who is English) constantly pays me out for saying 'heaps good'

[StaceAngel]

o0o0o0o! I like the spin on the W/T dynamic! Usually Tara is gay and Willow straight because of the show and therefore fics tend to follow. This fact alone will keep me enthralled! You're also a pretty awesome writer, its easy to just sink into your way of writing.

So! To quote the "ada-ladyian" above me:

I'm def gonna sit this one out and find out how these two mess up and make up

Excellent!


Stace xXx


PS. I don't pay Bell out, i say 'heaps good' more often than she does these days ! Have a good one!

[nothingtosay]

Love your AU story. hoping for an update.

i totally get the unrequited love thing..everyones been through it and some hadnt even had the luck of having their hearts back...in one piece.

heres to hoping them a fun-filled angsty journey in love.

[willntarra4eva]

Ah yes quite a good story! It feels like I know it somehow though... Oh yeah!! I helped you write it lol its our story. Willow and Tara, Justine and Chloe. Pity its not like that now... We really should finish that story when you start talking to me again.

[guitar_girl]

Wow. This is just a powerful story. I know almost exactly the feeling because i am going through them right now. I really hope you come back and finish this story. It is absolutely amazing and is helping with my own real life story as well. Thanks for writing and update soon!

[marlaman22]

please continue with this spectacular story pleaseee

[magicdanw]

This really is a wonderful story you have going here! There's just one line that's keeping me from loving it, though...

I grinned mischievously, knowing how annoyed that would make her. 'Bi?!’ She glared at me in disbelief. ‘I hate bi people! You know that!'

What's up with that? Why does Tara hate bi people? Or was that just part of the witty banter between them that I misunderstood? Because even in context, it looked like Willow knew that Tara would hate being called bi, and that Tara replied she hates bi people, and as I said, that just doesn't sit well with my mental image of Tara...

[Naeryn]

Oh my god... Have you ever heard the song by Jann Arden that shares a title with your fic? It's a beautiful song. Very like this story, actually, almost eerily similar, actually, if you haven't heard the song...

I must say, this was almost painful to read. Perhaps because I find myself in an astonishingly similar situation, at the moment, actually, but if you ask me, that's the sign of a good writer. If they can write gut-wrenching pain so accurately that you desperately want to stop reading, but there's no way you could make yourself do it - that's a GOOD writer.

I've had the privilege of knowing several such excellent writers in my time here, and I'm glad to say you seem to have joined their ranks.

As far as the plot so far, I think it's something that we can nearly all relate to. Knowing how many of us on this site are girls (and how given us girls are to unrequited love and bottled emotions of this sort), and what a great percentage of those are lesbians (and how terrified so many of us are of rejection based on sexuality, as well as personality), it seems to strike a chord. Willow's hurt and confusion is portrayed very realistically, in a raw, cut-to-the-quick sort of way, which is just perfect for the subject matter at hand.

I especially liked these lines:

It was difficult to watch her waste time on them, knowing all along that I could give her the respect and safety and love that she craved so badly. I would give that girl whatever she asked for in a heartbeat… but she didn’t want anything from me.

All that was nearly six months ago now. I still wanted to land a punch square in the middle of his smug face every time he walked past… but her hand on my arm held me back. The light touch would dizzy me and in order to keep focus and stay upright, all my attention was drawn to balance.

'Oh so now I'm in love with you huh?' Although the question was riddled with mockery, I wondered if she could somehow sense the honesty in my words.

And in the second chapter:

She laughed from beside me and patted me playfully on the arm. The platonic touch didn’t escape my over-sensitive skin however and I shivered slightly. Hoping she hadn’t noticed, I turned my head partially to look at her. I noticed a stray piece of hair in her face and smiled. Instinctively, I reached over to move it and it wasn’t until my hand lightly came into contact with the side of her face, that I realised this action was probably very inappropriate.

And most especially this. It was almost chilling to read, and very nearly brought me to tears - a feat no fictional thing has accomplished in the past. From the first statement of utter truth, to the last line of weak hopelessness, this paragraph runs through every one of the darker emotions, and nails them right on the head with an utter lack of mercy.

Second hardest to seeing the person you love hurting, is seeing them with someone else. I made a huge effort to be happy for Tara, wanting to believe that her content was enough to satisfy my own longing… but I couldn’t deny the fact that I knew I could make her happier. For a long time, I was tortured with images of her with other people. At school, I’d watch them together first hand and at home, I’d replay the scenes over and over until my eyes burned with frustration. I spent many nights crying into my pillow and thrashing around in my sheets, knowing exactly where she was and what she’d probably be doing. My heart would ache and throb until eventually the torture was just too much, and I’d collapse from exhaustion, quickly falling asleep. However, even my dreams were plagued with the gut-wrenching images. I remember how helpless I felt on those nights… and yet; the suffering I endured was all in vain.

Absolutely heartwrenchingly beautiful. Keep it up!

[Taralover]

A great fic. I used to have feelings for a girl who never fell in love back and it made me remember them.

[Justified12]

Wow. I didn't realize that people were still reading this fic. I'm flattered by all the compliments It just happened to be a fluke that I came back onto the board to re-read my story but now, seeing all the encouragement, I'm going to start posting again. Thanks for the inspiration everyone! Hope you enjoy!

P.S. magicdanw, that comment was meant as playful banter. they were just mucking around. no offence intended