I decided to post this here as well so others could see it given that Kirk and I are doing active season 4 stories. Doubtless I am breaking some board rule by doing so, I tend to do that. Oh well. Hopefully this is short and funny.
Spoilers: Season 4, with hints towards season sux.
Well, given how much we have been discussing how fast Willow and Tara were and what ME and Josswad really meant in the episodes I believe that some translation and illumination is in order. It should be apparent that the episode titles themselves give the whole thing away (and Josswads comments, sort of like the DVDs only without the ego spin, are in parentheses.) I call this:
                        SEASON 4, THE STRAIGHT DOPE (as opposed to what ME has been smoking the last two years.)
HUSH: Hush, be very quiet, dont tell anyone theres a Lesbian in the show! And: (Hush, dont tell anyone but its all right, the evil Lesbian will be dead and punished before you know it, thats the only reason Im introducing her in the first place!)
DOOMED: See, the whole Lesbian thing is doomed and wont last, have no fears. See, they arent even together in the face of the apocalypse, cuz obviously Lesbian love isnt REAL love.
A NEW MAN: Hey, Willow aint lookin for a New Man anymore!
THE I IN TEAM: Nope, shes looking for some TIIT instead. (Hey, you know how hard it would have been to make an acronym for PUSSY instead? Come on!)
GOODBYE IOWA: Willow says goodbye to straight, upright, wholesome middle American values and mores and is on that road to becoming an evil Lesbian. (We thought this was a better title than HELLO SAN FRANCISCO! And more subtle too. Arent we just great writers?)
YESTERDAYS GIRL/WHO ARE YOU: A two parter whereWillows straight, normal, innocent ways are Yesterdays Girl and she asks Who Are You and finds out shes an evil lesbian under the thrall of another evil lesbian. (Well even show Who You Are having bad sex: Riley with not Buffy and Willow with a girl. Ewww! Have to keep in mind this is a horror show.)
SUPERSTAR: Only a Superstar could stomach what happened in the last episode so well just avoid all mention of the lesbian relationship alltogether. (However, I will show you that it takes a REAL Superstar to beat a lesbian back into the closest where they belong, alone and afraid because we all know homosexual love isnt REAL love. See, theyre being punished already. I told you to have no fears.)
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE: The Wild Things Are in half the show just so you remember what REAL love is like, how it makes things grow and come to life, a fully natural and beautiful process while you see the evil Lesbians revolt and disgust each other. They cant even stand each others touch. (I needed to restore some balance to the show just in case you thought we were actually advocating that an alternate lifestyle was OK.)
NEW MOON RISING: During the Rising New Moon, which is when its totally dark, theres no light and evil things are done, Willow will fully complete her transformation into an evil Lesbian, cuz that cant happen in the light of day. Fortunately it is so dark no one can see them having sex either. (And for the really squeamish out there [read pure hearted Christian valued moral center] you dont even have to accept this whole {whisper: gay} storyline. The moons all about illusion after all, like the illusion of evil Lesbian happiness. I mean you can even buy that theres just something powerful connecting the two girls, like magic and casting spells and stuff, and Willow just loves being with her witchey friend because they can do magic together. All very innocent, really! We never used the L word out loud or anything.)
And now just to finish the season off, though it doesnt fit quite as nicely:
YOKO FACTOR: Well obviously the evil Lesbian is a Yoko Factor driving the group apart and keeping Willow to herself, and perhaps even ruining the show. (Shell be punished for that in the future, have no worries, now that everything is out in the open. All right, we had to say the g-friend word, but some unpleasant things have to be endured in order to make a statement later. I did say this was a horror show. Trust us.)
PRIMEVAL: Willow and Tara go Primeval on each others asses, or other parts. Or probably are but were not going to show that. This is about back to the basic, Primeval, level and that means getting the evil Lesbian off stage fast. (Hey, what can I say, its a horror show but we have our limits! I do have to make everyone suffer but not THAT much.)
RESTLESS: Tara is awfully Restless back at home since she hasnt even seen Willow since the big battle and has no idea if shes alive or not. See, evil Lesbian love is not REAL love after all. (This is what I call foreshadowing. See, the evil Lesbian is just a dream, an unreal image who doesnt exist in the Scoobies lives so have no fear in the future, her time is short, shell be gone before you know it and no one will remember her! Aint I a Suuuuupeeer Geeeenius?)
Garner
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