Again, you've perfectly captured Tara and her insecurities.
Good stuff indeed!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
by mollyig » Tue Nov 06, 2001 12:18 pm
Again, you've perfectly captured Tara and her insecurities.
Good stuff indeed!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
by Katharyn » Tue Nov 06, 2001 12:28 pm
quote:
Originally posted by mollyig:
Katharyn, I was just about to go home for the evening,
Again, you've perfectly captured Tara and her insecurities.
Not worth staying behind for Molly (nothing gets me to stay in work!) but thanks. Glad you like the style as there are 3 more of them to come to get through Family!
Katharyn
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She's my always
by Forrister » Tue Nov 06, 2001 12:38 pm
Ducunt volentem Fata, nolentum trahunt.
(The Fates guide the willing and drag the unwilling.)
by Bunny » Tue Nov 06, 2001 3:30 pm
Can't wait for the next bits
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FF Meeting: - "Hi my name's Lee and I'm a Fan Ficaholic"
by emily 'first' » Tue Nov 06, 2001 5:08 pm
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vive,valeque.
by delany » Tue Nov 06, 2001 11:05 pm
del
[This message has been edited by delany (edited November 07, 2001).]
by Katharyn » Wed Nov 07, 2001 12:14 am
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
donny does look like a frog..
Not sure that I ever suggested Donny was like a frog... though I might take that onboard for the next parts! Thanks!
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited November 07, 2001).]
quote:by mollyig » Wed Nov 07, 2001 2:38 am
quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not worth staying behind for Molly (nothing gets me to stay in work!)
It definitely was worth not getting home until 9:30 and getting rained upon!
------------------
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
by Katharyn » Fri Nov 09, 2001 12:07 pm
Katharyn
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Greatest Trick (Part 42)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Family.”
Summary: Second of the Family stories directly following on from the end of Part 41. The Maclays are here. Once more Tara’s PoV with a little Willow thrown in for good measure. I haven’t forgotten about her honest!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: I am, and will be, ripping the guts out of this episode and frequently using the transcript held at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ for both reference and to insert the lines correctly into the script. All credit to them and the original writers for these wonderful building blocks.
The title (of course!) refers to a line from Bryan Singers “The Usual Suspects.” It goes something like this “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” Kind of what Tara comes to have in mind when all else fails.
Once again apologies to the Donny fans… but I just don’t like him!
Thanks To: That wacky gal in the elf suit. L… what can I say? Sorry.
The Beginnings Cycle
The Greatest Trick
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara knew that she wasn’t hiding her shock very well. Surprise was all very well but now she was obviously worrying Willow. Perhaps, though, Willow should be worried as she looks at me, she thought. I’m terrified and it’s because he’s here. Donny.
‘Brother?’ Willow asked.
Willow knew of course that she had a brother. She’d mentioned him. Hadn’t she mentioned him? She was sure that she had told Willow all about him and how they had never got on, as brothers and sisters could be known to do, but now she couldn’t remember actually doing that. Actually saying the words. What had she said? He was here. What had she told Willow?
What had he told the others? She risked a glance at the Scoobies sat around Mr Giles’s table, books piled before them. I should be helping, she worried to herself. Not bothering them with my family. But, hey, not exactly my choice is it? The Scoobies were just looking on. Not angry. Not mad at having being deceived by her. Not concerned for their friend Willow. Just curious.
He’s here.
And they still don’t know what I am. There was still a chance. Still time to make this right. Once they actually were told, or found out then there would have been next to no chance for her. Next to… because there was a way, but messing with their memories? She wouldn’t even have tried that. The warnings, the descriptions of what could go wrong were vividly clear. She knew how it could be done… in theory. She could try to erase what they might have known from their minds – or at least hidden it from them. But it would have been too dangerous. For all of them and she wouldn’t have done that… not even for Willow. Especially not to Willow, but not even to stay with her would she have done that. Not actually risk causing harm. But a harmless appeal to Cadria… With Donny here there might be no choice. She had thought that she might be able to control it… hold it at bay and not have to ask Cadria for her help. Now though…
But there was still time.
‘Willow, this is-is Donny.’ Her voice was letting her down. You see Donny, you see what you do to me? How you make me feel? And you just love that don’t you? Why don’t you just get out of here and leave me be?
All of that she wanted to scream at him, to make him go away. Instead she just waited for Willow to say hello. Or “hey.” No one in Sunnydale said hello. Except occasionally Mr Giles. It was like it wasn’t in the dictionary of greetings.
At least Willow was here. Taking the lead, going forward to meet Donny. If she hadn’t been there. Between them she might have…
…launched herself at him and torn his eyes out to throw into the cauldron…
… that she didn’t actually own. And launching herself? Far more likely to end up in an embarrassed heap at his feet, if she was lucky after bouncing off his broad chest. If she were unlucky she would have missed entirely.
‘Hi,’ Willow said, offering Donny her hand.
Tara actually winced as Donny took it. How dare he touch her Willow. What right did he have? How could Willow bear to touch him anyway? How could she given what he was? Because he’s my brother and Willow didn’t know any better… yet. Donny would probably see to it that she would though. Never one to hide his light under a bushel. What was a bushel anyway? It sounded like something biblical.
Like a plague of frogs. Willow would love that too.
He actually smiled, and it wasn't one of his nasty calculating one’s either. Not that it was outright pleasant. She wasn't sure Donny had ever done pleasant – he was her older brother after all and even if there had been nothing else then there was that. Older brothers just aren’t pleasant. ‘Nice to meet you,’ he said to Willow.
‘And, uh, these are my-my friends.’ If that wasn’t overstating the case - but they didn’t leap up and say that they weren’t, so big plus there. What was I going to say to him though? That I was living vicariously through someone else’s friends?
‘What, uh, all of you hang out? Wow. That's more people than you met in high school.’
Ain’t that the truth Donny? It might even be a compliment of a sort. When he hit her on the arm it was a lot better than the last time he had done that. Back when they had been trying to give each other dead arms. He had always been so much stronger that he always won that unpleasant game and, though trying not to be outdone, she hadn’t even bruised him. Ever. Never let it be said that Donny wasn’t an equal opportunity sibling. He’d have beaten the heck out of her as soon as he would have any brother.
‘How did you fi - I, I mean, how come you came?’ A telling slip? Not exactly subtle was it… How did you find me? Sort of like admitting that I was hiding… or wanted to.
‘Well, duh, birthday girl. Uh, we came down in the camper, been all over the campus.’
Then Donny had never been great at picking up on subtlety had he? But… ‘We?’
Willow turned around at the same time she did hearing the door open. Briefly their eyes met and she fancied that there was some sympathy there. Sympathy for the devil? Willow had no idea what she had to be sympathetic about. Only child that she was… and the rest.
Because I never told her. I never really told her anything that mattered to me. Other than I love her more than I could ever have made her understand and…
Oh.
Daddy and Beth. Beth she was almost glad to see… Daddy too if this had not been when it was. But it was now. Today. The day before.
‘Look what I found!’ Donny crowed as if he had won a prize. Maybe he had, Daddy was always having to bribe him with candy or as he got older a beer. It seemed to help.
‘Uh, Dad, hi.’ What else was there to say as she made her way over to him. It was good to see him. It was just a surprise. And a sight she could have done without… for a few more days at least, just until she was sure and had taken steps. It would all be so much harder now. If she could get away with it at all. She’d never been good at getting away with stuff with Daddy around.
‘Well, here's my girl.’
The hug was awkward. Her mother had been the tactile one in the family. That and Donny’s occasional fist during a fight. But it had been so long since she had seen him that she had to try and get him to. ‘S-such a s-surprise,’ she finally managed. What I have to avoid “s’s” now?
‘Yes,’ Donny replied, seemingly happily. He knew something. She was sure of that. He knew what was going on. Why they were here. And if Donny was happy then it was probably not a good thing for her all in all.
‘Cousin Beth.’ It had been even longer since she had seen Beth. Considering Uncle Bret lived just a couple of miles from the Maclay house and they were about the same age it was peculiar… though totally understandable… how they had not been together more as children. Bret had stronger views than Daddy about… her kind.
‘Hey,’ Beth replied. She sounded happy too. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as it could be. With Beth here she might have a supporter. A family supporter.
‘One of your dorm-mates said I might ... find you here,’ Mr Maclay explained.
There was the touch of condemnation in his voice. Subtle, but Daddy was far, far better at that than his son had ever been. He wouldn’t cause offence not here in front of others. But he would hint to those who knew him. He would condemn. What else could this shop be when it was called “The Magic Box”? Good for Mr Giles’s sales and advertsising. Bad for me now. It wasn’t like Daddy had forbade her to practice magic… but she knew what his feelings were on the subject. And had ignored those feelings, because I was safely away from home.
I’ve let him down already and he has only been here a minute or so. ‘Oh. Oh, um,’ What to say? ‘These are, these are friends. Um, this is Mr. Giles, um, he runs the shop.’ Responsible adult presence which was good. Besides Mr Giles was hovering. Protectively? Maybe. That was nice of him if it were so. But why would she need protection from her family?
She suddenly worried that she hadn’t explained Willow as anything more than another friend and wished that her love could hear her silent apology. Not that there was probably any need. Willow wasn't petty about stuff like that, bless her for it. They had both sometimes hidden what they were to each other at times when it was tough to say. And Ira and Sheila still didn’t know…
‘How do you do?’ Mr Giles asked.
That was good. Adult role-model authority figure. See Daddy I’m not completely out of control and he’s English and you know how they are – very proper. Very controlled and disciplined.
‘Pleasure. Well, I, I don't mean to interrupt your plans, I know we've come on you kind of suddenly, but I thought we could have dinner,’ Mr Maclay replied to Mr Giles and then totally ignored him, turning back to his daughter.
It wasn’t really a thought, or a request. She knew an order when she heard it. No matter how nicely put. She resisted the automatic urge to respond with a “Yes, sir,” and settled for ‘Okay.’ Kind of sounded like she had a choice didn’t it? She hoped so. She wouldn’t want Willow and the others to get the right impression right away. That was just how a lot of families were. There was respect and discipline. And he had come all this way… it wasn't fair to think things like that. He came here for her. On her birthday.
‘Why don't I pick you up at six, And we'll ...do some catching up,’ he announced looking over at her friends.
Reflex took over this time. ‘Yes, sir.’ He had probably made up his mind about them with that look. Unsuitable. Especially if they were the sort of person who hung out in a place like this. And the responsible authority figure from England… didn’t he own it? And everyone knew the Brits were a bit weird.
‘Forgive me for running out. We're double-parked.’ With that he turned to go as Tara watched him. What did they really want? She’d find out at dinner. Did they have to have an ulterior motive? Might they just be here for her birthday? Well of course… but what part of the birthday were they interesting. The celebration of the old or the start of the new?
‘Nice to meet you all,’ Donny added as he left. By the goddess he was really trying to be… nice. It just didn’t sit well on him at all. She needed Willow. Just to be near her. Just in her presence.
-------
‘That's so weird. Your ... whole family,’ Willow told Tara, not that she really knew that much about Tara’s family. Somehow the subject had never come up that much. And when it had… Tara had dropped it like a stone. She’d thought it was just reluctance to talk about her Mother that inhibited Tara. Maybe this was why though. Maybe they just didn’t get on. Donny seemed friendly enough though.
‘Yeah,’ Tara replied.
There was something strange though about her love. Something out of place. Nervous, a little fearful. Shocked. Maybe she thought they were going to make a big birthday fuss. I hope, Willow thought, that they don’t want to have a party tomorrow night. That would really spoil things. Maybe I could invite them along. Might be nice to get to know them… the in-laws and all. Wow, they’re like in-laws. I should make with the nice. Even if they don’t know.
‘They seem nice,’ she added, trying to show Tara that they had made a good impression. I mean, sure, they were probably as nervous as Tara was. Tara had always been a bit of a loner, maybe she got that from them, maybe her family was the same. Maybe they don’t like being amongst new people – or at least didn’t do it much that can be tough.
‘You know, they-they're okay. Families are always-’ Tara broke off.
‘They make you crazy.’ Understanding Willow completed the sentence. After all her mother had tried to have her burnt at the stake. You didn’t get much crazier than that.
‘Usually. Wanna get into research mode?’
‘Sure,’ Willow replied, reassured that Tara was okay, just a bit weirded out. But she was okay at least and Willow was happy when Tara took her hand during the research, just holding it.
-------------
Tara hadn’t been able to think at all during the research, excusing herself before anyone else, pleading that she needed to get ready for her dinner, which at least allowed Willow to feel that she didn’t have to leave too. There was important stuff for the Scoobies to find out. Far bigger than her piddly troubles. And she did have to prepare. She really did. She had to think of what to say. What to wear. What to tell Daddy about… everything. Her choice of friends… or at least the friends she had acquired through Willow. Being in a place called The Magic Box. Willow… of course Willow. She had to make sure that he knew that she was happy here. He deserved to know that… besides it might help when it came to the other. The real reason that he must have been here. That must be it… why else? Two hours reading through Hasterd’s Demon Compendium and all that had learnt was that her family weren’t just here for her birthday.
The only question was just that if the demon within her was the reason then how far did he want to take it? What were her father’s intentions towards her?
It was these thoughts that had preoccupied her on the walk back to her dorm. That still dominated her mind as she entered her room. And there would be no respite. He was there. Waiting for her. He always had been. Waiting for this, just as he had been told he would have to one day. But that day… that day was still tomorrow. Not today. A whole day… a whole day yet. Twenty-four hours.
But he didn’t look happy as he inspected her things. If she had known…
If I had known I might not even have been here. I would have locked my door.
‘The door wasn't locked. I was a little early.’ He looked around sceptically. ‘I suppose you ... wanted me to see all these...’ he held a crystal in his hands, ‘toys.’ Then put it down. But carefully, respectfully. ‘You don't even try to hide it any more. I'd hoped maybe you'd gotten over the whole witchcraft thing.’
He sounded disappointed more than anything. That she hadn’t gotten over it? That his liberal experiment had failed. The admission alone had surprised her, but then he had tolerated her being taught Wicca by her mother… because he had loved his wife so much. Perhaps he had just realised that you couldn’t put the genie back in the bottle.
Bad metaphor.
‘That if we let you go,’ he continued ‘you'd ... get it out of your system.’ He put his hands in his pockets.
He never, ever did that. Hand in pockets. That was a sign of idleness. Pockets were places to keep things and not hands. He was that uncomfortable in here? Did he think that he might be contaminated by it all? Did he fear it? Or was he that uncomfortable with her? That defensive?
Was he afraid? For her? Of her?
‘Then they told me to look for you in ... that store.’
That wasn’t defensive. That was disgust. Disappointment. Accusing. Requiring an explanation without even asking the question. At least Donny wasn't here to revel in her discomfort.
‘I didn't - I, I didn't kn-know that you were coming.’ That wasn't an answer and she knew it. It was an admission that she knew he would have been disappointed. It was a suggestion that if she had known she would have tried to deceive him. And it was admitting that she knew what she had being doing was wrong. He wouldn’t miss that.
‘Of course we came.’
Of course they came. They were her family. She knew that he was going to say it.
‘We haven't heard from you in months. Your birthday's getting closer and closer. You know what that means,’ he completed as if stating the obvious.
And it was obvious. She knew what her birthday meant to him. This was when she should be telling him what it meant to her… that it was just the anniversary of the day she was born, but she couldn’t say it. He was going to take her away. She knew it deep down. Unless I find a way… ‘I don't think it's...’ she started before the pain stripped of her ability to form a coherent sentence. That and the fear of defying his beliefs. ‘It, it won't mean that-’ But it would. He believed it and when had he ever been wrong?
‘You're turning twenty. It's the same age your mother was when she... Do your friends even know?’
‘Y-yes,’ she lied quietly but of course he could see it. He had always been able to. Her or Donny. Neither had ever got away with an untruth in his presence. Maybe there was something of the talent in him… but she would never suggest it.
‘Are you lying to me?’
Looking down was her only reply, fearing that he would be angry. She couldn’t deal with anger as well as this reasoning.
‘Tara, you're coming home with us. You know it's the only way.’
‘Home?’ There, he had said the word. Home. She had thought that this was home. It felt like it. Wasn’t home where you felt at home. With a person you loved and who loved you? Seemingly not. Not to him. Perhaps he had forgotten that… it had been… too long… since his wife had died. Her mother.
‘You can't control what's going to happen,’ he told her almost sympathetically.
He sounded understanding. It was all so reasonable. Her mother – his wife – she had controlled it though. She had managed it. Unless he had seen a side to his wife that Tara had never seen herself then… she had always controlled it somehow. But how could she say that? How could she bring her dead mother into it?
‘You have evil inside of you and it will come out. And letting yourself work all this magic is only going to make it worse. Where do you think that power comes from?’ he asked her.
A logical question that she could not answer logically. ‘It ... it doesn't feel evil ... sir.’
‘Evil never does,’ he said.
That was the truth, she looked down not wanting to meet his eyes. Not wanting to see the sympathy there… but fearing that maybe there wouldn’t be any anyway. She didn’t want his pity unless it would allow her to stay. And feeling like that how could she cope with it if there was no pity at all. Because then she would have no chance.
‘I don't feel much like eating right now.’ He walked past her towards the door. ‘I'll give you some time, but we need to be gone by morning.’
Morning. Was that all that she had? Till morning? He had stolen a big chunk of what might be her last day… morning. That was just one night. One last night… Willow…
Willow’s surprise party. Well that would be the surprise. No Tara Maclay… she’s a demon you know. Her family came and took her home to stop her killing you all or turning you into toads. So surprise! Have some cake. Her mind had gone walk about… thinking of the maybe-party… and avoiding what was really at the centre of her despair.
Willow…
She didn’t look back at her father.
‘Your family loves you, Tara, no matter what.’
There he had said it… she had known he would. They always did. She knew that… somehow. That was what they always said. This was the way it always was. How could she go against what had always been? Generations of her ancestors had been through this… and maybe some of them were in love too. Had any of them fought though?
‘How do you think your friends are going to feel when they see your true face?’
And he was gone. The door closed softly as she continued to look around the room that had been her home. Her nest. Her place to be with the woman she loved. She hated the fact that he had even violated it. She loved him, but have him here condemning her choices – taking them away from her – that felt like a violation of her self.
But worse, much worse, she hated herself for not having told him what she believed. Or at least had believed. All her life… he had never been wrong about the important stuff. And what was this if not the most important thing in that life.
No.
It was the second most important thing.
She walked over to the crystal that had helped her before. Had helped Willow and looked into it’s facets… but even it looked dark as she silently begged it to help her see a way. Because nothing else could.
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‘Hey’ Willow called to her love. Tara was hunched over the crystal, sat staring into it as she had entered the room. Something was up. Tara hadn’t even looked who she was. Preoccupied by whatever it was that she could feel in that crystal matrix of infinite reflections.
‘Hey,’ Tara eventually replied to her, turning.
‘Was dinner fun?’ Dinner with families. Definitely not a cause for celebration if you weren’t expecting to see them. Maybe that was all it was. Maybe there were bigger problems with the family than she had guessed. How could she know? Tara never said too much about them.
Tara, standing up, just nodded.
Oh dear.
Willow tried to be bright and cheerful. ‘Well, there's Scoobyage afoot. Giles called a meeting about our spankin' new menace.’ Not exactly bright and cheerful news was it? Wow, listen up we have a bright and spanking new thing that could end the world. Again. We guess. Because we just don’t know. Let’s all trot over to Giles’s and here him tell us that. That’ll be fun.
‘Oh ... y-you should go, they don't need me for that. You can fill me in.’
Tara had been so into the whole Scooby thing recently so why…? ‘No, no, you have to come. This demon chick is supposed to be really powerful, and I was thinking. Maybe we could try that, that spell, you know, the one to find demons?’ For some reason that didn’t seem to help. Tara had been a touch reluctant the last time they had tried it, but they had come so far since then. They were way better now than they had been back then. Besides if we can find her, we’ll know where to go to get our asses kicked. Self-service 24-7.
‘That didn't work,’ Tara told her.
‘Yeah ... but we only tried it once, and I-I think I got some ingredients wrong.’ Okay so that was not totally true. The ingredients were pretty clear, but it had just been the once. And in Sunnydale, for people who hunted demons that could be a really useful spell. Course it might just show up every vampire in town too and that would kind of blur the map. But they could try.
‘Well, I-I'm tired. Maybe we can do it tomorrow?’
Or not. This could really help, but sure if Tara didn’t want too. Maye she could use a little comfort. A snuggle maybe. ‘You sure you don't wanna-’
‘Look, my family's here, okay, I can't just-’ Tara broke off from what she was saying, perhaps thinking of how best to put it. ‘Not everything is about your friends and stuff.’
Ohhh what’s wrong baby? That was what she wanted to say… but she was shocked. Tara had so rarely snapped. So rarely declined to help. So rarely asserted herself and what she wanted that Willow knew that she had to respect that now even if Tara had misunderstood her offer. Because whatever it was… it was something that seemed very big to Tara even if really it was just an old family problem. ‘Sorry.’ She headed for the door. Wondering if Tara would call her back and confide in her.
‘No! No, I mean...’
Willow turned back…expecting that Tara would hold out her arms and want to be held, would ask her to help make whatever it was go away. She turned back to her love.
‘There's just so much ... going on. It's just ... I'm, I'm really tired.’
And Willow knew that was all she was going to get. But she also knew that it was not her that had done something. And that made it a little better. Now she only had to feel bad for Tara and whatever it was that was giving her wiggins. ‘Okay.’
‘I'll see you in the morning. You can fill me in,’ Tara offered.
‘Great. We'll be demon hunters.’
-----------
“We’ll be demon hunters?” I won’t have to look very far. Tomorrow is the day my love. The day that the goddess will point right at me when we do that damn spell. If I am even here long enough to help.
It was time to take action.
There was no other choice. Not any more. Only with Willow and the others could she stay. She needed them to help her stand up to her family. But they weren’t going to do that when they saw that she had been lying to them… all that time. When Willow discovered that she had betrayed her… with the spell. With concealing the truth. When they saw her true face.
How could Willow love a face like that? Whatever it was really like.
She went back to the books, picked up the one that she had thought offered her the best chance and leafed through it till she found the page. She had the ingredients. She had the knowledge and with everyone she valued at the Scooby meeting… she had the opportunity.
And the motive.
Motive, means and opportunity.
It was going to be a crime. But what choice did she have? It was a crime of the heart.
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
Talking of poor Tara, she's crossing the line and knows it - I wish she could just skip the next 24 hours and go straight onto the good stuff with Willow but I guess you have to go through the fire to get to the other side. Thanks Katharyn for another great installment.
Pone me ut signaculum super cor tuum ut signaculum super brachium tuum quia fortis est ut mors dilectio dura sicut inferus aemulatio lampades eius lampades ignis atque flammarum.
(Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal upon thine arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave, the coals thereof are as coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.)
IP: Logged
Talking of poor Tara, she's crossing the line and knows it - I wish she could just skip the next 24 hours and go straight onto the good stuff with Willow but I guess you have to go through the fire to get to the other side. Thanks Katharyn for another great installment.
Pone me ut signaculum super cor tuum ut signaculum super brachium tuum quia fortis est ut mors dilectio dura sicut inferus aemulatio lampades eius lampades ignis atque flammarum.
(Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal upon thine arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave, the coals thereof are as coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.)
IP: Logged
posted November 09, 2001 14:44 15 foot pike. I want Donny at the business end of a 15 foot pike. Grrr. Picking on poor Tara like that.Talking of poor Tara, she's crossing the line and knows it - I wish she could just skip the next 24 hours and go straight onto the good stuff with Willow but I guess you have to go through the fire to get to the other side. Thanks Katharyn for another great installment.
Pone me ut signaculum super cor tuum ut signaculum super brachium tuum quia fortis est ut mors dilectio dura sicut inferus aemulatio lampades eius lampades ignis atque flammarum.
(Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal upon thine arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave, the coals thereof are as coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.)
by Forrister » Fri Nov 09, 2001 12:44 pm
Talking of poor Tara, she's crossing the line and knows it - I wish she could just skip the next 24 hours and go straight onto the good stuff with Willow but I guess you have to go through the fire to get to the other side. Thanks Katharyn for another great installment.
Pone me ut signaculum super cor tuum ut signaculum super brachium tuum quia fortis est ut mors dilectio dura sicut inferus aemulatio lampades eius lampades ignis atque flammarum.
(Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal upon thine arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave, the coals thereof are as coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.)
by Katharyn » Fri Nov 09, 2001 1:02 pm
No better reason for posting this reply than to ensure that Zahir doesn't nick another centenary... just kidding Z!
Four hundred... ok alot of them are mine, but more than I ever dreamed of... longer fic than I ever dreamed of. The drafts of the final parts already written take this monster to over 200,000 words. Yikes, scary.
Thankyou to everyone who has ever bothered to read this thing. I say this, I would not have written half of it without the desire to please you lot at work on me. I may not have suceeded all the time but I tried...
For the record:
Parts 43 and 44 conclude the actual Family episode.
Part 45 may be the end. That is the logical place to put it set after the party.
BUT
Part 46 I like alot... A Spike/Tara piece. But if I did that the end would have to slip to Part 47 for W&T goodness,smoochies and snuggles (more of as they definitely occur in 45.) I can't decide whether to indulge myself for a part I like (46 or to get the ending spot on which should really occur in 45.
Well that was all stuff you didn't want to know but heck... better than just "Yay I made 400!"
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited November 09, 2001).]
by Forrister » Fri Nov 09, 2001 1:17 pm
Oi, toddle off with you. I know you have something to do.. something really important (or possibly really fun, or both). So nick off and get on with it.
By the way, if you really feel the urge to indulge yourself then go ahead I certainly won't complain.
Si monumentum requiris circumspice.
(If you seek a monument, look around.)
by Bunny » Fri Nov 09, 2001 1:45 pm
Hope the next bit is ready soon.
Oh Poor baby am I working you too hard?
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FF Meeting: - "Hi my name's Lee and I'm a Fan Ficaholic"
by Katharyn » Sun Nov 11, 2001 1:59 pm
Katharyn
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She's my always
by wizpup » Sun Nov 11, 2001 3:59 pm
I’ve just spent three days at the no waiting, all you can eat “Beginning Cycle” buffet and now I find it isn’t finished yet…
Kathryn – I have really enjoyed what I have read so far. Can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to the rest.
Now I understand all the plaintive comments in between chapters from the kitties who’ve been with you from the start and taking one bite at a time.
I've never really got the hang of patience. Maybe I should treasure the opportunity to grow and develop. Grrrr!
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by mollyig » Mon Nov 12, 2001 5:07 am
That was a brilliant start to my week - got to read the two latest instalments. 
I reckon the Spike / Tara interaction is a must! Go on, indulge yourself (and us!)
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
by wizpup » Tue Nov 13, 2001 9:42 am
Ok Katharyn - it's Tuesday and it's already dark.... how long do we have to wait?
I know, I know, "patience is a virtue". Blaagh...
Kitties on a promise here!
[This message has been edited by wizpup (edited November 13, 2001).]
by Katharyn » Tue Nov 13, 2001 11:15 am
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Convincing The World (Part 43)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including
Summary: The third of the Family stories. Beth lays into Tara and what resolve Tara had dissolves.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: I am, and will be, ripping the guts out of this episode and frequently using the transcript held at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ for both reference and to insert the lines correctly into the script. All credit to them and the original writers for these wonderful building blocks.
As with Part 42 the title (of course!) refers to the line from Bryan Singers “The Usual Suspects.” It goes something like this “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” Here’s to convincing…
This part assumes some familiarity with the episode “Family” to keep track of the scene switches but I am guessing that if you are reading this then you are aware of the order of events. If not word for word.
Thanks To: L for accepting that apology… and for the aftermath.
The Beginnings Cycle
Convincing The World
By
Katharyn Rosser
She looked in on them there in the shop. They were all there. All the people she might ever have counted as her friends. All the people who had ever had cause to trust her. And the only person she had ever really, truly, loved outside of her family.
I’m sorry. All of you. I’m sorry.
But I have to… I have no other choice.
‘Blind Cadria, desolate queen, work my will upon them all. Your curse upon them, my obeisance to you.’
She unfurled her fingers from around the dull ingredients she was clasping and they were already reacting to her command. She blew. Ever so gently. It didn’t need much. Just the slightest push to make her safe. A breath that was all. To let her stay here. For them see her as she wanted to be seen rather than as she would be. Satisfied with the result she backed off in to the shadows. She might be satisfied with the result, but the method…
It was a shadowy world that she was going to inhabit. Appearing to be one thing. But really being something else. But at least it could be this world… here. With them all. With Willow. That was worth the trickery?
Not trickery. It was betrayal.
She knew that and the oh-so-familiar tears sprang to her eyes once more as she left them there to their Scooby meeting where they were trying to save the whole world.
And I can only worry about saving myself.
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There was something out there Tara realised as she walked the campus. Perhaps it was something that would come and eat me all up. It’s what I probably deserve anyway. Already she was regretting the spell, had twice considered going back.. lifting it.
But then she thought of Willow… and what choice had she had?
The truth? Sorry honey you’re in love with a demon. Pop round tomorrow and you can see my true face, that’ll be fun. Then you can have a Scooby meeting and figure out how to kill me. Yes I love you too… I know you want to help but you can’t cure it… it’s just who I am.
One side of a conversation that would hurt even more than this betrayal did.
But neither as much as telling Willow that she had to go. It had to have been the right thing. For them. Hang the demon side of her. Hang the betrayal of people she wanted to be her friends. Stuff it all. She had to have Willow in her life.
What was it that was out there? She looked back once more and there was only the darkness.
She looked ahead of her… still the darkness.
Footsteps… coming for her. Demon? Vampire? Mugger? Probably not the latter at least. Light footsteps, not your hulking great demon then who generally didn’t go in for light... or women’s shoes. She turned once more.
Beth. And she’s happy to see me. Someone still likes me then…Someone I haven’t betrayed or cast a spell on.
‘Tara,’ her cousin greeted her.
‘Beth, what are you-’ It’s not safe she was going to say. This is a Hellmouth. Anything might be out here. Anything… like me.
‘I-I was looking for you,’ Beth explained.
That just made it worse. She could imagine explaining it now. Oh Daddy, Beth got attacked whilst she was out looking for me. Why wasn't I at home? Well I was out casting spells on my friends Daddy. Great. ‘I'm sorry we didn't get to have dinner,’ she said. And she was – with Beth at least. Donny would have been obnoxious. Daddy would have been quiet. And I would have been in despair but it might have been nice... just to be together before they left. And now they could go… when the Scoobies and Willow had supported her right to stay – not believing she was a demon. Because they were blinded now to what she was.
‘I just ... wanted to see if everything was okay.’ Beth smiled supportively.
That was great... Beth was concerned for her. Perhaps Beth could see what this was doing to her. What she might lose. She smiled back… glad that someone was concerned for her. No one else was… mainly because they didn’t know anything was wrong. But just to have someone worry about her – who knew what was going on. To have someone on her side. That was more than just good. Someone who she could tell things to. How she felt… she hadn’t been able to talk about it all. All this time it had been bottled up, not even able to tell Willow.
Especially not Willow.
‘See if you needed any help with anything,’ Beth continued. ‘Packing.’
Why would she…? Oh no. Beth thought… And why wouldn’t she? I never told her? I never told any of them that I can’t go home. What do they expect if I haven’t told them? Stupid… I should have let them know. But would it have really made any difference? She felt the smile drop from her face unconsciously. But she could tell Beth. Of any of her family, Beth she could tell. Beth might help her tell Daddy and once he accepted it then… Donny would fall into line. ‘Beth, I'm not, I'm n-not coming back with you.’
‘You're not?’ Beth sounded surprised.
Maybe she had never even considered it. Maybe I should have let them know that I was happy. That I was in love. They would have understood then. Beth will get it though. She’d had a boyfriend for a long time now… she knew what love did to you. The wacky thing. ‘I-I don't think so.’ I don’t think so? I know so… And now Beth knew too. She felt better for having said it and now she would just have to explain. Beth would get it and they could make everything all right.
‘You ... selfish bitch!’ The surprise was gone. Beth’s voice was filled with pure condemnation. Bitter rancour.
‘What?!’ She had never heard Beth swear in her life. That in itself was a shock… but the bitterness. The denunciation… that was worse. Without Beth… what chance was there? Willow and the others might not be enough. Beth had to see too. She needed someone on her side. If I just explain…
‘You don't care the slightest bitty bit about your family, do you? Your dad's been worried sick about you every day since you've been gone. There's a, a house that needs taking care of ... Donny and your dad having to do for themselves while you're down here living god knows what kind of lifestyle,’ Beth was almost shouting.
She’d never thought of all that. All the other reasons why she had to go back. – it wasn't just what she was… it was what the family needed. Beth was right she’d been selfish not to think of Daddy and Donny and how they were getting by. She knew what she had needed to do for them after she died. How had she expected them to get on when she left for college? She’d just left them a half dozen frozen meals and a clean house. And I expected them to be okay.
Evil or no… there were other reasons… there was another place in the world that she was needed and it wasn't with Willow.
Was she needed here in Sunnydale? Really? The Scooby thing – no. They had Willow and she wasn't much of a monster fighter anyway.
And other than Willow that is all that I have.
‘I can't wait till your little friends find out the truth about you.’
Could Beth be that vindictive? But… my friends? Willow’s friends really. They don’t need me. They have Willow for their Scooby stuff.
Willow. That was the only person who needed her. But though she was the most important person she was only one person. There were two back home… She was being selfish wasn't she?
‘And they will, you know. No matter how innocent you act, they'll see,’ Beth told her.
And ordinarily it might have been true. They might have seen. Willow certainly would have. How could she have hidden from the woman she loved and wanted to spend all her time with?
And yet I sent her away from me before. I forced her to leave when I should have been with her. When I needed to be with her.
‘No they won't,’ she told Beth firmly. Not now. Now they won’t see. Whatever else happened they wouldn’t see. Blind Cadria would see to that.
‘They will. Unless you ...’
Something had twigged inside Beth. The possibility.
‘Do some kind of spell on them ....’
And the guilt that must have been written all over her face, the uncertainty that she had done the right thing. That must have confirmed it because Beth was then very, very sure.
‘You did!’ Beth sounded surprised once more.
It was the surprise of the disgusted though. The surprise of a person who had never dreamed that even someone who had already disappointed her with her selfishness could sink any lower than that and betray her so-called friends as well.
It was a disgust that Tara was feeling for herself without any help at all from Beth. But she couldn’t just admit it. If she did… then Beth might tell Daddy and that would… that would be the end. ‘N-no!’ But she was convincing no one. Beth knew her of old. She knew how to read the tremors in her voice. Her face. Her soon to be shared or snatched soul.
‘You did something to them. I'm telling your father.’
It was like a childish taunt. But perhaps that was fair. Tara knew she had been acting like a child. Selfishly. Unconcerned for the consequences of her actions. And she had been bad… every bone in her body told her that. She didn’t need Beth at all to tell her. And Beth was going to run and tell, like the tell tale she had never used to be. It had always been Donny who had got them into trouble.
They used to be a them. When they could be, when they were allowed to be. Not bad girls… but kids with an older brother or cousin who was desperate to get them into trouble. And so sometimes they were. But hadn’t some of it been worth the punishment?
Couldn’t this be?
Tara grabbed Beth’s arm… regretting that immediately but holding on. ‘No! No, it wasn't anything!’ She had to make Beth understand that. That the spell wasn't bad, that she hadn’t hurt her friends. Any of them. Beth had to see that…
But she didn’t even really believe that herself. What had she been thinking even to entertain the thought of doing it? Was it the evil inside her that had prompted her to do that? She had always known it was wrong… but that hadn’t stopped her. When else had she ever done anything she knew was wrong?
Beth was right about her.
Selfish.
Beth hadn’t mentioned the words evil. Bad. Demon. But Daddy would. He would know what had done this to his little girl. That she wasn't so little any more. That she wasn't an innocent. She had made this choice all by herself and that made her the bad thing that he had always told her she would be.
‘You think you can just go around cursing people? Your dad's gonna pop.’
Beth was right about that.
But that didn’t make it better did it? It was done… all done. Her last roll of the dice. Maybe it could still fall for her… if only Beth would see it wasn't that bad. That at least she had thought she had a good reason for it. Perhaps the best… but this wasn't the time to mention Willow. She didn’t know it ever would be. Whilst Daddy might understand Willow, Beth never would… that was just the way that she had been raised by Uncle Bret.
Willow was her life. Her whole life and that was why she wanted to try and explain. To somehow make Beth understand that to take Willow away from her would be to end that life. Please just feel my pain, she pleaded silently. Understand that there is something larger than just me, Beth. ‘It was just so they wouldn't see. So-so-so they wouldn't see the demon part of me.’ The tears were rolling already. Would she even have any left for Willow if she started now? She might never stop… she’d have some left for that though. ‘Please don't tell Dad. It's harmless.’
But was it? If they couldn’t see the demon… then how would they be able to stop the demon from hurting them. If she couldn’t control it. Maybe I am not as strong as Mommy. Maybe I can’t be as good as she was at containing it.
She’d already satisfied herself that she was weak and selfish… why would the demon see her as any different. It might take her and it might hurt them. It might hurt Willow.
And they wouldn’t be able to see to stop it.
Oh by the goddess what have I done to them?
And as the tears went onto freefall, from her cheeks something perhaps gave Beth a moment of pity as she sat Tara down beside her on bench and actually put her arm around her. Maybe she wouldn’t tell. Maybe…
Even if I deserve her to.
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It was a natural pause in the Scooby research-fest. Which was to say that one by one they had thrown down their books in disgust at not having found a single clue about the woman who had knocked the sausage out of Buffy.
Even a whole clue wasn't necessary. Right now they would settle for a “cl” or possibly a “c.” And so with Buffy off to work off some of that tension in the training room they paid only scant attention to the books they had reluctantly picked up again. And Willow’s mind was wandering.
To a familiar place that she liked to wander.
She was thinking about Tara. That wasn't too unusual. Anya and Xander could have guessed that was where her mind was. Anya said that she got a little tiny half smile every time she was thinking about her love. Willow wasn’t pleased about that at all though. Not because she doubted the truth but because she didn’t like Anya being able to read her that way and get inside her private thoughts. Some of which were very private indeed.
Except that was Anya’s problem. She didn’t have a clue what a private thought was. The goddess knew that she revealed enough of her own which Xander seemed slightly less happy about than even Willow was. She, guess what, didn’t want to know.
But still Tara…
She wasn’t really thinking happy thoughts about her love right now. They were more along the lines of “what’s wrong with my poor baby?” Not much chance of their being a smile there. Because something was wrong. Tara had been wiggy since walking into the shop to find Donny there. She’d thought it was surprise, or shock – perhaps she didn’t like him. Siblings were like that, they bickered. So they tell me. But there was something more.
When Tara had dismissed her from the room pleading tiredness… there was something wrong. She might be tired but there was something… else.
‘Did you guys think there was something wrong with Tara?’ she eventually asked. Any port in a storm, even Anya – who after all was Tara’s friend. Of a sort. ‘Before I mean when her brother was here. And her Dad.’
‘Nope.’ Xander said looking back at his book with a renewed fevered intensity.
Willow watched him staring at the page. Saw that Anya was also watching him. His eyes weren’t even moving across it he was just fixated on one spot that was anywhere that was not meeting her gaze. Eventually though he cracked. Xander always did. It looked like Anya had figured that out too. Good for her.
‘What?!’ he demanded.
‘Why are you avoiding Willow’s question?’ Anya asked before Willow could even ask the same thing.
‘I’m not – I’m trying to study here. Saving the world here… okay? And I think you girls should get back with the program.’ Justifiable anger and an increased urge to study. He was having thoughts.
‘By looking at the same word for thirty seconds?’ Willow put it to him.
‘It’s an important word. It’s…’ he looked back at the page. ‘Convex. It’s convex.’
‘And what does that mean Xander?’ Willow pressed.
‘I have no idea,’ he admitted to them and was met with a happy smile from Anya to Willow.
Willow’s own lips twitched in return before she got her mind back onto what the problem was.
‘Look,’ Xander continued resigned to upsetting someone. ‘Sometimes… I admit it… I just don’t – well get Tara.’ He looked pleadingly at Willow as if begging her not to bite his head off. Maybe that was a literal fear.
But this was not the time to argue the point. Right now she didn’t get Tara either. That was kind of the problem. She said so to them and saw Xander subside with relief.
Anya in response nodded sagely. ‘You two had a fight.’ It wasn’t a question.
‘No! We didn’t have a fight.’ That came out harsher than she had intended though. ‘She was just… I’m just… I’m worried about her.’
Anya though seemed to be fixed on the idea of a fight. ‘After Xander and I have had a fight we have great make up-’
‘Don’t’ Xander told her.
So Anya mouthed it across at Willow. S-E-X.
My how could I have guessed? Willow wondered. ‘We didn’t have a fight.’ She repeated slowly for Anya’s benefit.
‘Then you won’t get to make up then… and where’s the fun in that?’ Willow just shook her head as Anya carried on. ‘She has family issues.’
‘How would you know?’ Willow asked, a little peeved.
Anya of course didn’t even notice. ‘You spend the best part of a millennium as a vengeance demon and you see a few family disputes. You know sometimes they are the worst. Women scorned by their… close relatives. Some cultures are big on that sort of thing. Bad for the gene-pool but…’
‘Ahn?’ Xander interrupted his girlfriend.
‘Mmn?’
‘Sort of off topic hun. Both of you in fact. Look Will, Tara just has a few issues to work out with her family. No biggie. Now if my Mom and Dad had turned up after a not seeing me for months… then there would be a problem.’ If they turned up the world would probably be about to end. Or the rent would be overdue.
‘Well when you put it like that…’ There were worse families than the Maclays.
‘Don’t worry about it. She’ll be fine.’
‘And you can still kiss and make up!’ Anya chirped up, ever the sexual optimist. ‘I was just saying…’ she replied to Willow’s glare.
Willow lifted the pile of books and took them to their place on the shelves, looking to trade them in for some that might help a little more. And there was a knock on the door.
‘Tara?’ Willow asked… though no one could hear her hope. Least of all Tara.
Opening the door there was no one there at all. Must have been the wind. Or kids. Dang kids. That was a sure sign she was getting old. When you could think “Dang kids” you were definitely getting old. Just wait until I start saying it…
‘I thought I heard something.’ She shut the door again. She had hoped she had heard Tara. Had hoped that her love would be there waiting for her. That they could kiss and make up… but no more than that here. Even though they hadn’t fallen out Willow wanted to kiss Tara. She always longed to get lost in her lovers lips.
There was something wrong.
She left the door behind and headed back to her books.
And never once saw the three demons that were her lover’s legacy.
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But Beth wasn't comforting Tara. She might have believed that she was, but when the tears slowed and finally stopped Beth was making a horrible kind of sense.
‘Don't you see how out of control you are?’ she asked.
That was true. No one was controlling her. No one here knew, so how could they be expected to? Maclay women. They had always needed special control. And she had been foolish and arrogant to assume that she was any different to the others. That I was better? Is that what I thought? Did I honestly believe that I was better than my mother?
‘You've been lying to these people for a year, and now you've put a spell on them, is that right?’
No. She didn’t have to say it.
‘Is that a human thing to do?’
No. Or that.
‘Now I'm telling your father.’
She couldn’t even object to that anymore. The sort of sense that Beth was making how could she argue? Here in Beth’s presence she was giving up. There was just a tiny part of her mind that was still fighting. It was losing the battle under a barrage of what seemed to be logic. Good sense. And tradition. This was just the way it was. Maybe it wasn't even all my fault, she thought. I’m just a Maclay woman. Growing up she had wanted to be considered a woman and now that she was…
It was the worst thing in the world. She wanted to be a girl… if she could have Willow.
‘If he doesn't force you to come home, and I think he should, I know he's going to tell your friends the truth,’ Beth announced.
He would too. Even if there was the slightest chance that she could stay, if he didn’t throw her in the camper and set off within minutes of hearing Beth’s truth then he would tell them and now it was even worse. Now I had actively tried to hide it. I put spells on them to stop the truth.
I cursed Willow.
‘If I were you, I'd tell them first.’
It was a race.
‘And then I'd tell them good-bye.’
It was a race to be the one to tell the truth first. She didn’t know if she could… but if anyone was to tell Willow then it should be her. And Beth was right. One way or another she would have to say good-bye.
What would they want to do with her after this? What would Willow want with a lying demon who had cursed her and her friends?
Nothing at all.
She set off back into town. To the woman she loved and whom she was convinced she was going to lose.
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She's my always
IP: Logged
I admit, today I did do a spot of lurking. Mea Culpa. But it was worth it. Thanks
Carpe diem!
(seize the day!)
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vive,valeque.
[This message has been edited by emily 'first' (edited November 13, 2001).]
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I digress.
Katharyn - thanks for posting this as promised. I really like the way you fill in all the gaps between the tantalising glimpses of w/t action in the shows.
People have commented previously on some serious dislike for Donny, but I think Beth is right up there with him. When I was 16 I had a cousin the same age as me,and she was one of the first people I came out to. She wasn't exactly impressed; told me not to be stupid and that I was no more gay than she was. 16 years later, she's married with kids and guess what? Still gay!
I guess that's why the Beth character rings so true with me.
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?
BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
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quote:
Originally posted by wizpup:
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
Rude no... impatient yes... I usually let the dust settle but just for you I think Part 44 will be posted on Saturday, possibly Friday night (GMT). It kind of depends on the re-write of Part 45 going okay and on schedule now that I am back.
Thankyou for the feedback everyone!
Katharyn
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She's my always
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del
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Poor turmoiled Tara.
I giggled lots at this:
"And you can still kiss and make up!’ Anya chirped up, ever the sexual optimist. ‘I was just saying…’ she replied to Willow’s glare.
Anya is probably my third favourite character on BTVS, and this is so Anya!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
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quote:
Originally posted by delany:
(apart for the one that i'm hoping will come in the next chapter )
marvelous.. simply marvelous..del
Seriously what are you hoping for? Not that I am above adding something!
Katharyn
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She's my always
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K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – She Never Existed (Part 44)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Family”
Summary: The final episode linked story from Family. Largely the final shop scene from that episode. Mainly Tara’s PoV’s but with Willow’s where possible. This part is a direct continuation of Part 43. Guess what? You were supposed to read that first!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: I have once more ripped the guts out of this episode used the transcript held at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ for both reference and to insert the lines correctly into the script. All credit to the transcriber and the original writers for these wonderful building blocks.
As with Parts 42 & 43 the title (of course!) refers to the line from Bryan Singers “The Usual Suspects.” It goes something like this “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
The transcript reflects the episode as shown where Mr Maclay states that Tara’s family have cared for and supported her for 18 years, yet earlier he confirmed that she was turning twenty. I have altered the line as presented below to reflect the age of twenty. (Even if Tara supported herself at college that would still be 19 years.) This is the only change made to the transcript provided lines unless anyone can provide a better explanation?
I am not ashamed to admit that writing this tears twice came to my eyes. Which isn’t an indication that it actually works but more that the end is so very near… still it is a happy end.
Thanks To: L just you this time.
The Beginnings Cycle
She Didn’t Exist
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara
I can’t be too late, I can’t. I can’t. Daddy can’t be the one to tell them about me. Daddy can’t dump that on Willow, not knowing who she is. He can’t. Please Daddy just don’t do that to her.
I have to be the one to hurt her myself. To rip her heart out and leave her empty.
You have to let me do it… let me try to explain and then baby… if you’ll still have me we can still be together. It won’t have to be any different Willow honey. We can still be together.
We can…
Tara opened the door to The Magic Box and stepped inside, and took only a step or two over the threshold before what was happening hit home. Oh no…no…no… Willow. She saw the demon, she saw it. It would hurt Willow. They would hurt Willow because there was more than one of them in there.
Willow… ‘Buffy, behind you!’ she shouted. The slayer. The slayer was Willow’s best hope for being okay. Much as she might want to do something herself, Buffy was the one who could save Willow. Who would. She was Willow’s friend… she’d always help her. No matter what…
Buffy managed to avoid being pounded on by the demon and it was before Buffy actually asked the question that Tara could understand what had happened. The others swiping blindly. Buffy hunting for something that was as clear as day to Tara. It wasn’t so much that she could see… it was that the others were blinded. The spell… Blind Cadria. She had messed up. And now she might get someone killed. She might already have done that.
‘Tara, where is it? Can you see it?’ Buffy shouted desperately.
‘Oh, god.’ What have I done? What have I done? What have I done Tara asked herself. Beth was right. Daddy was right. I could have killed them all. I might still do that. Willow… if Willow was hurt…
If Willow were hurt then she wouldn’t need to do anything to herself. Xander, Buffy, even Mr Giles. They would punish her for that. And she would deserve anything that they did. Anything at all. There would be nothing bad enough that they could do to her that would fit her crime if Willow were hurt.
The demon started to attack Buffy once more, having recovered itself. Punching Buffy. And if Buffy was tied up with that demon or god forbid even lost her battle then who would be able to protect Willow? And who would comfort Willow when she was gone…? Because after this she would have to go. She had to now. Hope was gone. But first Willow had to be saved. And to do that meant allowing them to see the truth about her. A tiny price to pay that wouldn’t even matter anymore.
She moved as far into the room as she dared and stopped, looking down and away from the fighting to concentrate. She couldn’t afford to get this wrong. There was just one chance. The Scoobies couldn’t afford her to fail. It had to be right first time. What were the words? ‘Blind Cadria, lift your veil. Give evil form...’
The demon that was attacking Buffy turned to her then. It knew. It knew what she was doing. It knew that she was about to take its advantage away. Come and attack me. I deserve it. Come for me. Come for me and leave them alone. Leave Willow alone. ‘...and break my spell,’ she completed the incantation before it could stop her.
It had worked. At the instant that she said the words, even with the demon rushing her she knew it had worked. Buffy was back… Buffy was back. And now the slayer could go and protect Willow… leave me to the demon. One way or another. The pain as it smashed a fist into her face. The pain was good. It was a friend. It was proof at least that she could still feel.
But Buffy didn’t abandon her to the demon… if only she knew. Buffy go help Willow she wanted to shout.
Willow…
She thought she heard a bell… was it really like the cartoons? Did you hear a bell when you got whacked in the head? Any minute now Bugs, Elmer and Sam would be here to keep her company. Is hell a cartoon reality? Where you are forever dropped off cliffs, whacked with frying pans and eaten by hungry rabbits… maybe that was where Anya’s Bunny fear came from.
The demon was stood over her. The coyote?
Here came Bugs, Elmer and Sam…
Daddy, Donny and Beth.
‘Tara!’ Daddy cried and the demon abandoned her to her cartoon focussed hysterics and was attacking Daddy. But before she could get up, before she could check on Willow there was a crack and the demon lay still in front of her father. Buffy’s foot on it’s neck. Was that how Buffy would deal with her when she found out? Snap her neck under her foot?
Who would help her?
‘What in god's name is that?’ Daddy asked no one in particular. Donny’s face a picture Tara thought absurdly. He had never seen what his sister would turn into. Maybe it frightened him. But she couldn’t laugh.
‘Lei-ach demon.’ A voice came from the back of the shop. Spike. ‘Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow-sucking.’ Spike would have finished her off in a beat, of someone else’s heart, but for his chip. It wouldn’t be him then.
She sat up on the floor… waiting. Guilty as charged, though no one had charged her yet. But someone would. They weren’t stupid and it was so very obvious. Now could she get away with her life? No one had been really hurt had they? Maybe if she just left then it would all be okay. But she had to be the one to say it. To tell them. To apologise. To speak to Willow.
‘I don't understand,’ Daddy told them. She stayed silent.
And with Buffy stood over her, impatient. Not happy – and why should she be happy. She knew who her accuser would be.
‘I'm not sure I do either,’ the slayer added. It was expectant, waiting for the answer.
Buffy knew that she had something to do with it. Buffy had heard her lift the spell. Buffy knew that she had been able to see when the others were blinded. There was no worthy excuse. Just being selfish. ‘I'm sorry. I'm s-s-so sorry. I was, I was trying to hide.’
But Willow was here. Willow was all right. Willow…
She had to tell Willow too.
As her love knelt beside her wanting to help her up and comfort her no doubt Tara felt that she should send Willow away from her, away from the danger that she had become. Before she did something else that could get them hurt. But how could she ever send Willow away? ‘I didn't want you to see ... what I am.’ She had to try and make Willow at least understand.
‘Tara, what?’
‘What do you mean, what you are?’ Buffy asked.
How could she say it? How could she, with Willow right beside her, tell them what she was? What she had been intimate with? What had betrayed her? What Willow had loved? She couldn’t find the words. But Daddy came to her rescue.
Your family loves you Tara. She knew that and now they were helping her to explain. He was taking pity on her by destroying the most wonderful thing she had ever known… and worst of all she wanted to thank him for it.
‘Demon. The women in our family... have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from.’ It was a matter of fact explanation. A little sad maybe.
It was so obviously fact. If ever Tara had doubted it, how could she after this? She wanted to hide, to run away. Let Daddy explain it all to them but her Willow was here. She looked up and found Willow staring back at her… disbelief in her eyes. But she would have to believe it – eventually. Better before I go than realising it was true later in the midst of the pain.
‘We came to take her home before...’ Mr Maclay sighed as if this proved everything he had ever feared or felt. ‘Well, before things like ... this started happening.’
‘You cast a spell on us, to keep us from seeing your ... demon side. That's why we couldn't see our attackers,’ Giles concluded.
It was obvious to them all now. It had to be. They had to realise now what she was. How could they doubt it now? Tara herself couldn’t doubt it. No one would stick up for her because no one should. Especially not herself. She had no excuses beyond… Willow.
Buffy looked back down the shop at something, probably Dawn. ‘Nearly got us killed,’ the slayer said, not at all happy.
It was true. It was true. She had done that and for no better reason than selfish love. ‘I'll go.’ She got up by herself, not waiting for Willow to help her. ‘I'm very sorry.’
‘The camper's outside,’ Daddy told her. He almost sounded sorry for her. Sympathetic. But he’d had far longer to get used to the idea that his daughter was a filthy demon and a danger to others than they’d had. Maybe one day they could understand if not forgive.
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Willow
‘Wait! Go?’ Willow couldn’t believe that this beautiful, wonderful, kind woman was in any way a demon. It just didn’t ring true with her… It couldn’t be true because she would have known. She would have known because she had never known anyone as deeply, as completely and as intimately as she had Tara. So what if even Tara believed it… It wasn't the truth and Tara had to see that. It couldn’t be true.
She had to stay… or at least make the choice for herself. And if she does that and chooses to go… then I want to know why. I want to know why. I want to make it so hard for her to tell me that she can’t do it. That she won’t go. She won’t leave me alone – like she found me.
‘I, she just did a spell that went wrong. It-it was just a mistake,’ she insisted to anyone who would listen. Giles, Buffy, Tara’s father, Tara… Tara most of all.
Tara had to see that. She had to see that was all it was. Serious yes. Bad maybe. But demonic? Never. Had this man who called himself Tara’s father never made a mistake? Had he never done anything he regretted? He was making a mistake if he believed that she would just accept it… he didn’t know her as Tara did.
Tara had to see.
At the very least how much I love her and need her.
And even if she were a demon…. Then she wasn’t evil… she was Tara. And I love her.
‘That's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us. We know how to control her ... problem,’ Mr Maclay told them all, but he was aiming at her, Willow knew that.
And Tara.
She looked at her love and found that Tara couldn’t return the gaze. She was frightened of her father? No she was frightened of what she thought she was and what Willow knew she could never be… Evil. ‘Tara ... look at me. I, I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie?’
Oh by the Goddess that was cruel. It tore at her soul to even ask. To ask Tara that when she knew it wasn’t true. To make her answer that question above all others… but she had to make Tara think. Really think. As if her love had been thinking about anything else. The snippets of conversation. The questions. The recent passion… something in Tara had been trying to tell her and she’d missed it all. She had left Tara to deal with this all herself – and now instead of days they had minutes to discover what Tara really wanted.
And what she could have.
‘No!’ Tara cried.
Oh baby I made you cry… more. I’m so sorry but you can’t leave me. Not like this. Never like this. I have to make you see that… please just see it. Make your own choice. Stand up to him and stay with me. Demon, woman… who cares. You’re Tara.
‘Well, do you wanna leave?’ The answer to that should be oh so clear. It was a question of wants. Not do you think you have to. Do you want to Tara? Say no honey. Just say no… Willow silently pleaded.
‘It's not your decision, young lady,’ Mr Maclay interjected.
Willow right then could have strangled him quite cheerfully. This was Tara’s time. Tara’s choice. If I had only seen, if I had just known I would have been with her. I’d have given her the strength to stand up to you and this would not be happening. It would not all be at risk. All that we are and have. All you have to do Tara… just stand up to him. Tell him. Don’t let his anger beat you down. Listen to our love. ‘I know that!’ she told him. So just shut up! This is Tara’s time… Our time.
‘Do you wanna leave?’ And that was the whole point. What do you want Tara? Just tell us all and we can help you. I can help you but you have to tell us. To show me so I can do that for you. For myself and for us.
Tara shook her head, crying.
And as the tears flowed Willow was sure that was enough… that even this monster couldn’t try and force his daughter to leave now. Knowing what she felt. How she felt. He couldn’t surely try and force her to go.
Please sweetie… please.
‘You're going to do what's right, Tara. Now, I'm taking you out of here before somebody does get killed. The girl belongs with her family. I hope that's clear to the rest of you,’ Mr Maclay stated.
What was right? Right? Was it right to force her to go when she wanted to stay… for one little mistake that hadn’t hurt anyone. Everyone here bar Dawn had done much, much worse than Tara. But I can’t tell her that. Tara had to see. She had to see. Just open your eyes honey and see.
See me… and you. Together. Always. Remember always?
If you don’t look then it might be that all you have is memories. Please just see us here for you. We are all here for you. We can help if you want us to.
‘It is,’ Buffy said answering Mr Maclay’s question. ‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her.’
Oh Buffy no… no… how can you do this to her. What has she ever done to you? It was just a mistake, one little mistake. No… please don’t give up on her. Don’t send her away from me.
Please don’t listen to her Tara. Listen to your heart. If you can hear it… then you’re hearing me. Choose me. Choose our love.
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Tara
‘It is,’ Buffy said and Tara felt the stare of the Slayer on her rather than saw it. Probably trying to work out what kind of a demon I am. I never thought to ask… for all it matters. Working out what it would take to force me to go… if it came for me now and threatened them.
‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her,’ Buffy continued.
It was for the best. She was being given a chance to get out, intact and alive. How could they let a demon be part of the Scoobies. They had to do good. Demons… didn’t. If she had turned and she had actually hurt someone they wouldn’t be able to forgive themselves for letting her stay. What if she had hurt Willow? That had to be Buffy’s concern now. The slayer had to protect her friends. From anything – including me.
And Daddy was happy.
Everyone’s happy. Except Willow but Buffy would look out for her. Eventually she would… forget.
And me… I’m not happy, but that isn’t what’s important. Not me.
‘You just gotta go through me.’
Buffy’s word seemed unreal. So totally at odds with what had gone before. So out of step with her own thoughts that Tara had to believe that it was just wishful thinking. A dream. A hallucination. Maybe another form of torture. But as she looked up Buffy was an imposing figure. Challenging Daddy.
She couldn’t remember anyone ever really challenged Daddy.
But the slayer was. Buffy was… helping me? Could she…?
Stay?
‘What?’ The shock in her father’s voice was… there. His assurance was gone. He had known that she would return home. Now he didn’t know anymore… and if he didn’t know then…
‘You heard me.’
It was real. Buffy was really doing it. For Willow, for me, for self-determination? She didn’t care. But Buffy was doing it. She was standing up to him. As I never could.
‘You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me,’ Buffy offered him that chance.
And Daddy had no idea what that meant…
‘And me!’ Dawn chirped in, moving to her sister’s side staring Tara’s father down.
Oh Dawny… thank you honey… could I get to watch you grow into the kind woman you are becoming?
‘Is this a joke?’ Mr Maclay started, descending the stairs towards them.
Don’t do it Daddy. You don’t know. You don’t understand. Buffy will hurt you if you make her. Please don’t. You don’t know what you’re dealing with. Please.
‘I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.’ But he was threatened. Tara could see that in his restraint. He was afraid of the strength of their will and the determination in their voices already.
‘You don't wanna mess with us,’ Dawn told him.
‘She's a hair-puller,’ Buffy quipped.
Tara wanted to laugh at that. But she wanted to sob too. She settled for a smile. Gratitude, happiness… hope.
Giles joined his charge and her sister. ‘And ... you're not just dealing with, uh, two little girls.’
Tara knew her smile was widening but hoped he wasn't about to explain just what that meant. Exposition would be wasted on Beth and Donny. Was that humour? Could she be hoping enough to think a joke?
‘You're dealing with all of us,’ Xander added.
Thank you.
‘’Cept me,’ Spike interjected.
Thank… oh never mind.
‘’Cept Spike.’ Xander explained.
‘I don't care what happens.’
But that didn’t matter - she didn’t need Spike. Spike least of all. She had friends who were sticking up for her. Why would she need a tamed vampire? And she realised that without moving they were all together. United. They were a group… in opposition to her family. No wonder Daddy was defensive.
‘This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We ... are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?’
But you said it Daddy. Tara’s affairs. My affairs… My choice – that was always what it was.
Given to me by my friends.
‘We're family,’ Buffy told him.
Given to me by my family. My new family. My real family.
Tara knew that the tears were still flowing. Her eyes felt full but apart from that she was numb to it. She must look so sad… but maybe she didn’t have to be. She could have the choice. She could have Willow… who smiled at her. The kind of smile that brought hope to a room.
Daddy was so mad. She had never seen him like that. He was bottling his rage and she wasn't used to that. Usually he would let it out in controlled bursts, imposing his discipline on his fam… kin.
‘Daaad. You -- you gonna let 'em just...’ Donny wanted to prove himself to them… that might even be fun to see him take on the slayer. Donny tailed off as he realised that his father was wavering and so he decided to take a hand…
Here it comes. Here is what he always wanted, his whole life since he understood what she was, he had been waiting for this day.
‘Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down,’ came her brother’s threat.
But she didn’t even flinch. She didn’t have to fear him anymore. If he wasn't her family then he was nothing. Just an accident of genetics.
‘And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.’ Xander promised.
It seemed like she had a new brother to look out for her and coward that he was at heart Donny gave up, his show of false bravado exposed for what it was. Only her would he dare try to bully.
‘Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon,’ Beth threw the insult but didn’t seem to realise what she had said – what it meant.
Beth had given up. Even if Daddy hadn’t quite yet… Beth was saying that she could stay and once that was accepted how could Daddy be any different? But Beth was also right… she was a demon. Nothing had changed there. But they could get round that. The Scoobies, they had helped contain Oz when he had been wolfie. They could help her too. She would gladly be chained, locked up… anything they demanded just to stay here with the person… people she loved.
‘E-excuse me. What kind?’ It was the first time Anya had spoken and Tara fancied that she had been absorbing it all, trying to follow human behaviour from the human side. And Tara didn’t even care that she hadn’t vocalised her support… it was just Anya. Of them all she had known that Anya would have stood with her if it came to it… because Anya had been there.
‘What?’ Beth was as confused as Tara.
Neither of them had ever thought to ask.
‘What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society,’ proclaimed the ex-vengeance demon and it was true… even Spike was proving that. There were things that could be done.
‘Well, I-I ... what does it matter?’ Beth stammered lacking a reply.
What does it matter? I’m not going.
‘Evil is evil,’ Daddy announced.
I’m not going… I can’t be evil… Mommy never was. I know that I will never be evil…
‘Well, let's just narrow it down,’ Anya suggested and Tara did want to know though. Anya knew demons. Mr Giles and Spike too. They could find out how to deal with it if they knew… how to help her through the bad times. Maybe, if they knew, she could even be with Willow… when… if Willow could stand that. If she was properly restrained and Willow protected. She knew it wouldn’t be so bad with Willow with her.
Lost in that thought she missed what Spike was saying and instead just saw a flash of blond hair and an approaching object after the vampire tapped her on the shoulder.
The pain was… not as bad as what she had been feeling inside. But it still hurt. It hurt a lot. It was her nose. The nose Willow found so cute. He hit my nose!
‘Oww!!’
And she was glad it was hurting him too. Served him right for hitting her… now of all times. Fed up with the argument, knocking her out to give her to Daddy? But Willow would stop him. Willow would protect her. Because I’m hers.
‘Hey!’ Willow protested. ‘Hey…’
‘He hit my nose!’ Tara cried to her love.
‘And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.’
It was true. It was hurting him. Hurting him. In the head. The chip. The chip that the Initiative had given him, which only hurt…
‘And that only works on humans.’ Buffy explained to Mr Maclay.
But he wouldn’t get it… Spike helped me. Spike… and only he could have.
I’m not….
I’m…
I can…
‘There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right?’ Spike summarised to Tara’s father.
But Tara knew it wasn’t a legend… it couldn’t just be that… why?
‘Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.’ Spike finished, his admiration was boundless.
Just to keep… All those years… All those women… Just to keep them… in line….
‘I'm not a demon,’ she told Willow. Though Willow probably got that already. It felt like a question though… she needed to hear it to be sure this wasn’t a dream.
‘You're not a demon,’ came the answer.
I’m not a demon. I’m a person… a human.
And I can stay because there is no reason to go. None. And I never will go. But…
‘He hurt my nose,’ Tara said… wanting a little more sympathy.
‘Aw.’ And she was lost in Willow’s smile once more, missing what Spike had to say… just so long as he didn’t hit her again. Giles, Buffy, Dawn… they were all facing Daddy down again… but she was just with Willow, lost in her. That and her sore nose.
‘Tara,’ Mr Maclay pulled her attention from her future with Willow. ‘For twenty years your family has taken care of you and supported you. If you wanna turn your back-’
That was Daddy giving up… he had never admitted it but he had known. He had known it wasn't true. All along. This was him giving up. If that argument was all he had left then… she was free.
‘Dad ... just go.’
He had lost her. They all had and losing a family should have bothered her. But she had found so much more.
‘Magic,’ Mr Maclay said as he exited.
But it hadn’t been magic. It never had. That was the whole point wasn't it.
‘Are you happy now?’ Beth asked.
Tara just smiled as somewhere, perhaps in the paradise that she had been elevated to music started to play. Music of the soul.
Oh yes. I’m happy.
We’ll be happy.
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Endnote
The music at the end of the fic is of course the fade into the party… but the transcript note just seemed too perfect to miss.
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She's my always
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I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
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del.
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quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
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She's my always
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As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
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[I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
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Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
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I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
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"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
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quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
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She's my always
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I admit, today I did do a spot of lurking. Mea Culpa. But it was worth it. Thanks
Carpe diem!
(seize the day!)
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posted November 13, 2001 13:55 Welcome back!I admit, today I did do a spot of lurking. Mea Culpa. But it was worth it. Thanks
Carpe diem!
(seize the day!)
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vive,valeque.
[This message has been edited by emily 'first' (edited November 13, 2001).]
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posted November 13, 2001 14:47 We're sorry,Katharyn...We can't find the proper superlatives to express how much we are really enjoying this...but we are...enjoying it,we mean!------------------
vive,valeque.
[This message has been edited by emily 'first' (edited November 13, 2001).]
IP: LoggedwizpupBlessed Wannabe I digress.
Katharyn - thanks for posting this as promised. I really like the way you fill in all the gaps between the tantalising glimpses of w/t action in the shows.
People have commented previously on some serious dislike for Donny, but I think Beth is right up there with him. When I was 16 I had a cousin the same age as me,and she was one of the first people I came out to. She wasn't exactly impressed; told me not to be stupid and that I was no more gay than she was. 16 years later, she's married with kids and guess what? Still gay!
I guess that's why the Beth character rings so true with me.
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?
BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
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posted November 13, 2001 19:53 Here's the thing - after my impatient outburst earlier I had planned to lurk around the board this evening to catch this chapter hot off the press. Instead my g/f dragged me out to the pictures to see "America's Sweethearts", which pretty much sucked, although it was nice to see Seth Green doing ok. Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones snuggled up in bed together is an image that might stay with me for a while....I digress.
Katharyn - thanks for posting this as promised. I really like the way you fill in all the gaps between the tantalising glimpses of w/t action in the shows.
People have commented previously on some serious dislike for Donny, but I think Beth is right up there with him. When I was 16 I had a cousin the same age as me,and she was one of the first people I came out to. She wasn't exactly impressed; told me not to be stupid and that I was no more gay than she was. 16 years later, she's married with kids and guess what? Still gay!
I guess that's why the Beth character rings so true with me.
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?
BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs quote:
Originally posted by wizpup:
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
Rude no... impatient yes... I usually let the dust settle but just for you I think Part 44 will be posted on Saturday, possibly Friday night (GMT). It kind of depends on the re-write of Part 45 going okay and on schedule now that I am back.
Thankyou for the feedback everyone!
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted November 14, 2001 00:43quote:
Originally posted by wizpup:
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
Rude no... impatient yes... I usually let the dust settle but just for you I think Part 44 will be posted on Saturday, possibly Friday night (GMT). It kind of depends on the re-write of Part 45 going okay and on schedule now that I am back.
Thankyou for the feedback everyone!
Katharyn
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She's my always
del
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posted November 14, 2001 02:42 one of my favourite eposides and one of my favourite scenes.. (apart for the one that i'm hoping will come in the next chapter )del
IP: LoggedmollyigWillowhand Poor turmoiled Tara.
I giggled lots at this:
"And you can still kiss and make up!’ Anya chirped up, ever the sexual optimist. ‘I was just saying…’ she replied to Willow’s glare.
Anya is probably my third favourite character on BTVS, and this is so Anya!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
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posted November 14, 2001 04:50 Ah great stuff Katharyn.Poor turmoiled Tara.
I giggled lots at this:
"And you can still kiss and make up!’ Anya chirped up, ever the sexual optimist. ‘I was just saying…’ she replied to Willow’s glare.
Anya is probably my third favourite character on BTVS, and this is so Anya!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
(apart for the one that i'm hoping will come in the next chapter )
marvelous.. simply marvelous..del
Seriously what are you hoping for? Not that I am above adding something!
Katharyn
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She's my always
IP: Logged
posted November 14, 2001 14:27quote:
Originally posted by delany:
(apart for the one that i'm hoping will come in the next chapter )
marvelous.. simply marvelous..del
Seriously what are you hoping for? Not that I am above adding something!
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – She Never Existed (Part 44)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Family”
Summary: The final episode linked story from Family. Largely the final shop scene from that episode. Mainly Tara’s PoV’s but with Willow’s where possible. This part is a direct continuation of Part 43. Guess what? You were supposed to read that first!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: I have once more ripped the guts out of this episode used the transcript held at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ for both reference and to insert the lines correctly into the script. All credit to the transcriber and the original writers for these wonderful building blocks.
As with Parts 42 & 43 the title (of course!) refers to the line from Bryan Singers “The Usual Suspects.” It goes something like this “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
The transcript reflects the episode as shown where Mr Maclay states that Tara’s family have cared for and supported her for 18 years, yet earlier he confirmed that she was turning twenty. I have altered the line as presented below to reflect the age of twenty. (Even if Tara supported herself at college that would still be 19 years.) This is the only change made to the transcript provided lines unless anyone can provide a better explanation?
I am not ashamed to admit that writing this tears twice came to my eyes. Which isn’t an indication that it actually works but more that the end is so very near… still it is a happy end.
Thanks To: L just you this time.
The Beginnings Cycle
She Didn’t Exist
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara
I can’t be too late, I can’t. I can’t. Daddy can’t be the one to tell them about me. Daddy can’t dump that on Willow, not knowing who she is. He can’t. Please Daddy just don’t do that to her.
I have to be the one to hurt her myself. To rip her heart out and leave her empty.
You have to let me do it… let me try to explain and then baby… if you’ll still have me we can still be together. It won’t have to be any different Willow honey. We can still be together.
We can…
Tara opened the door to The Magic Box and stepped inside, and took only a step or two over the threshold before what was happening hit home. Oh no…no…no… Willow. She saw the demon, she saw it. It would hurt Willow. They would hurt Willow because there was more than one of them in there.
Willow… ‘Buffy, behind you!’ she shouted. The slayer. The slayer was Willow’s best hope for being okay. Much as she might want to do something herself, Buffy was the one who could save Willow. Who would. She was Willow’s friend… she’d always help her. No matter what…
Buffy managed to avoid being pounded on by the demon and it was before Buffy actually asked the question that Tara could understand what had happened. The others swiping blindly. Buffy hunting for something that was as clear as day to Tara. It wasn’t so much that she could see… it was that the others were blinded. The spell… Blind Cadria. She had messed up. And now she might get someone killed. She might already have done that.
‘Tara, where is it? Can you see it?’ Buffy shouted desperately.
‘Oh, god.’ What have I done? What have I done? What have I done Tara asked herself. Beth was right. Daddy was right. I could have killed them all. I might still do that. Willow… if Willow was hurt…
If Willow were hurt then she wouldn’t need to do anything to herself. Xander, Buffy, even Mr Giles. They would punish her for that. And she would deserve anything that they did. Anything at all. There would be nothing bad enough that they could do to her that would fit her crime if Willow were hurt.
The demon started to attack Buffy once more, having recovered itself. Punching Buffy. And if Buffy was tied up with that demon or god forbid even lost her battle then who would be able to protect Willow? And who would comfort Willow when she was gone…? Because after this she would have to go. She had to now. Hope was gone. But first Willow had to be saved. And to do that meant allowing them to see the truth about her. A tiny price to pay that wouldn’t even matter anymore.
She moved as far into the room as she dared and stopped, looking down and away from the fighting to concentrate. She couldn’t afford to get this wrong. There was just one chance. The Scoobies couldn’t afford her to fail. It had to be right first time. What were the words? ‘Blind Cadria, lift your veil. Give evil form...’
The demon that was attacking Buffy turned to her then. It knew. It knew what she was doing. It knew that she was about to take its advantage away. Come and attack me. I deserve it. Come for me. Come for me and leave them alone. Leave Willow alone. ‘...and break my spell,’ she completed the incantation before it could stop her.
It had worked. At the instant that she said the words, even with the demon rushing her she knew it had worked. Buffy was back… Buffy was back. And now the slayer could go and protect Willow… leave me to the demon. One way or another. The pain as it smashed a fist into her face. The pain was good. It was a friend. It was proof at least that she could still feel.
But Buffy didn’t abandon her to the demon… if only she knew. Buffy go help Willow she wanted to shout.
Willow…
She thought she heard a bell… was it really like the cartoons? Did you hear a bell when you got whacked in the head? Any minute now Bugs, Elmer and Sam would be here to keep her company. Is hell a cartoon reality? Where you are forever dropped off cliffs, whacked with frying pans and eaten by hungry rabbits… maybe that was where Anya’s Bunny fear came from.
The demon was stood over her. The coyote?
Here came Bugs, Elmer and Sam…
Daddy, Donny and Beth.
‘Tara!’ Daddy cried and the demon abandoned her to her cartoon focussed hysterics and was attacking Daddy. But before she could get up, before she could check on Willow there was a crack and the demon lay still in front of her father. Buffy’s foot on it’s neck. Was that how Buffy would deal with her when she found out? Snap her neck under her foot?
Who would help her?
‘What in god's name is that?’ Daddy asked no one in particular. Donny’s face a picture Tara thought absurdly. He had never seen what his sister would turn into. Maybe it frightened him. But she couldn’t laugh.
‘Lei-ach demon.’ A voice came from the back of the shop. Spike. ‘Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow-sucking.’ Spike would have finished her off in a beat, of someone else’s heart, but for his chip. It wouldn’t be him then.
She sat up on the floor… waiting. Guilty as charged, though no one had charged her yet. But someone would. They weren’t stupid and it was so very obvious. Now could she get away with her life? No one had been really hurt had they? Maybe if she just left then it would all be okay. But she had to be the one to say it. To tell them. To apologise. To speak to Willow.
‘I don't understand,’ Daddy told them. She stayed silent.
And with Buffy stood over her, impatient. Not happy – and why should she be happy. She knew who her accuser would be.
‘I'm not sure I do either,’ the slayer added. It was expectant, waiting for the answer.
Buffy knew that she had something to do with it. Buffy had heard her lift the spell. Buffy knew that she had been able to see when the others were blinded. There was no worthy excuse. Just being selfish. ‘I'm sorry. I'm s-s-so sorry. I was, I was trying to hide.’
But Willow was here. Willow was all right. Willow…
She had to tell Willow too.
As her love knelt beside her wanting to help her up and comfort her no doubt Tara felt that she should send Willow away from her, away from the danger that she had become. Before she did something else that could get them hurt. But how could she ever send Willow away? ‘I didn't want you to see ... what I am.’ She had to try and make Willow at least understand.
‘Tara, what?’
‘What do you mean, what you are?’ Buffy asked.
How could she say it? How could she, with Willow right beside her, tell them what she was? What she had been intimate with? What had betrayed her? What Willow had loved? She couldn’t find the words. But Daddy came to her rescue.
Your family loves you Tara. She knew that and now they were helping her to explain. He was taking pity on her by destroying the most wonderful thing she had ever known… and worst of all she wanted to thank him for it.
‘Demon. The women in our family... have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from.’ It was a matter of fact explanation. A little sad maybe.
It was so obviously fact. If ever Tara had doubted it, how could she after this? She wanted to hide, to run away. Let Daddy explain it all to them but her Willow was here. She looked up and found Willow staring back at her… disbelief in her eyes. But she would have to believe it – eventually. Better before I go than realising it was true later in the midst of the pain.
‘We came to take her home before...’ Mr Maclay sighed as if this proved everything he had ever feared or felt. ‘Well, before things like ... this started happening.’
‘You cast a spell on us, to keep us from seeing your ... demon side. That's why we couldn't see our attackers,’ Giles concluded.
It was obvious to them all now. It had to be. They had to realise now what she was. How could they doubt it now? Tara herself couldn’t doubt it. No one would stick up for her because no one should. Especially not herself. She had no excuses beyond… Willow.
Buffy looked back down the shop at something, probably Dawn. ‘Nearly got us killed,’ the slayer said, not at all happy.
It was true. It was true. She had done that and for no better reason than selfish love. ‘I'll go.’ She got up by herself, not waiting for Willow to help her. ‘I'm very sorry.’
‘The camper's outside,’ Daddy told her. He almost sounded sorry for her. Sympathetic. But he’d had far longer to get used to the idea that his daughter was a filthy demon and a danger to others than they’d had. Maybe one day they could understand if not forgive.
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Willow
‘Wait! Go?’ Willow couldn’t believe that this beautiful, wonderful, kind woman was in any way a demon. It just didn’t ring true with her… It couldn’t be true because she would have known. She would have known because she had never known anyone as deeply, as completely and as intimately as she had Tara. So what if even Tara believed it… It wasn't the truth and Tara had to see that. It couldn’t be true.
She had to stay… or at least make the choice for herself. And if she does that and chooses to go… then I want to know why. I want to know why. I want to make it so hard for her to tell me that she can’t do it. That she won’t go. She won’t leave me alone – like she found me.
‘I, she just did a spell that went wrong. It-it was just a mistake,’ she insisted to anyone who would listen. Giles, Buffy, Tara’s father, Tara… Tara most of all.
Tara had to see that. She had to see that was all it was. Serious yes. Bad maybe. But demonic? Never. Had this man who called himself Tara’s father never made a mistake? Had he never done anything he regretted? He was making a mistake if he believed that she would just accept it… he didn’t know her as Tara did.
Tara had to see.
At the very least how much I love her and need her.
And even if she were a demon…. Then she wasn’t evil… she was Tara. And I love her.
‘That's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us. We know how to control her ... problem,’ Mr Maclay told them all, but he was aiming at her, Willow knew that.
And Tara.
She looked at her love and found that Tara couldn’t return the gaze. She was frightened of her father? No she was frightened of what she thought she was and what Willow knew she could never be… Evil. ‘Tara ... look at me. I, I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie?’
Oh by the Goddess that was cruel. It tore at her soul to even ask. To ask Tara that when she knew it wasn’t true. To make her answer that question above all others… but she had to make Tara think. Really think. As if her love had been thinking about anything else. The snippets of conversation. The questions. The recent passion… something in Tara had been trying to tell her and she’d missed it all. She had left Tara to deal with this all herself – and now instead of days they had minutes to discover what Tara really wanted.
And what she could have.
‘No!’ Tara cried.
Oh baby I made you cry… more. I’m so sorry but you can’t leave me. Not like this. Never like this. I have to make you see that… please just see it. Make your own choice. Stand up to him and stay with me. Demon, woman… who cares. You’re Tara.
‘Well, do you wanna leave?’ The answer to that should be oh so clear. It was a question of wants. Not do you think you have to. Do you want to Tara? Say no honey. Just say no… Willow silently pleaded.
‘It's not your decision, young lady,’ Mr Maclay interjected.
Willow right then could have strangled him quite cheerfully. This was Tara’s time. Tara’s choice. If I had only seen, if I had just known I would have been with her. I’d have given her the strength to stand up to you and this would not be happening. It would not all be at risk. All that we are and have. All you have to do Tara… just stand up to him. Tell him. Don’t let his anger beat you down. Listen to our love. ‘I know that!’ she told him. So just shut up! This is Tara’s time… Our time.
‘Do you wanna leave?’ And that was the whole point. What do you want Tara? Just tell us all and we can help you. I can help you but you have to tell us. To show me so I can do that for you. For myself and for us.
Tara shook her head, crying.
And as the tears flowed Willow was sure that was enough… that even this monster couldn’t try and force his daughter to leave now. Knowing what she felt. How she felt. He couldn’t surely try and force her to go.
Please sweetie… please.
‘You're going to do what's right, Tara. Now, I'm taking you out of here before somebody does get killed. The girl belongs with her family. I hope that's clear to the rest of you,’ Mr Maclay stated.
What was right? Right? Was it right to force her to go when she wanted to stay… for one little mistake that hadn’t hurt anyone. Everyone here bar Dawn had done much, much worse than Tara. But I can’t tell her that. Tara had to see. She had to see. Just open your eyes honey and see.
See me… and you. Together. Always. Remember always?
If you don’t look then it might be that all you have is memories. Please just see us here for you. We are all here for you. We can help if you want us to.
‘It is,’ Buffy said answering Mr Maclay’s question. ‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her.’
Oh Buffy no… no… how can you do this to her. What has she ever done to you? It was just a mistake, one little mistake. No… please don’t give up on her. Don’t send her away from me.
Please don’t listen to her Tara. Listen to your heart. If you can hear it… then you’re hearing me. Choose me. Choose our love.
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Tara
‘It is,’ Buffy said and Tara felt the stare of the Slayer on her rather than saw it. Probably trying to work out what kind of a demon I am. I never thought to ask… for all it matters. Working out what it would take to force me to go… if it came for me now and threatened them.
‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her,’ Buffy continued.
It was for the best. She was being given a chance to get out, intact and alive. How could they let a demon be part of the Scoobies. They had to do good. Demons… didn’t. If she had turned and she had actually hurt someone they wouldn’t be able to forgive themselves for letting her stay. What if she had hurt Willow? That had to be Buffy’s concern now. The slayer had to protect her friends. From anything – including me.
And Daddy was happy.
Everyone’s happy. Except Willow but Buffy would look out for her. Eventually she would… forget.
And me… I’m not happy, but that isn’t what’s important. Not me.
‘You just gotta go through me.’
Buffy’s word seemed unreal. So totally at odds with what had gone before. So out of step with her own thoughts that Tara had to believe that it was just wishful thinking. A dream. A hallucination. Maybe another form of torture. But as she looked up Buffy was an imposing figure. Challenging Daddy.
She couldn’t remember anyone ever really challenged Daddy.
But the slayer was. Buffy was… helping me? Could she…?
Stay?
‘What?’ The shock in her father’s voice was… there. His assurance was gone. He had known that she would return home. Now he didn’t know anymore… and if he didn’t know then…
‘You heard me.’
It was real. Buffy was really doing it. For Willow, for me, for self-determination? She didn’t care. But Buffy was doing it. She was standing up to him. As I never could.
‘You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me,’ Buffy offered him that chance.
And Daddy had no idea what that meant…
‘And me!’ Dawn chirped in, moving to her sister’s side staring Tara’s father down.
Oh Dawny… thank you honey… could I get to watch you grow into the kind woman you are becoming?
‘Is this a joke?’ Mr Maclay started, descending the stairs towards them.
Don’t do it Daddy. You don’t know. You don’t understand. Buffy will hurt you if you make her. Please don’t. You don’t know what you’re dealing with. Please.
‘I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.’ But he was threatened. Tara could see that in his restraint. He was afraid of the strength of their will and the determination in their voices already.
‘You don't wanna mess with us,’ Dawn told him.
‘She's a hair-puller,’ Buffy quipped.
Tara wanted to laugh at that. But she wanted to sob too. She settled for a smile. Gratitude, happiness… hope.
Giles joined his charge and her sister. ‘And ... you're not just dealing with, uh, two little girls.’
Tara knew her smile was widening but hoped he wasn't about to explain just what that meant. Exposition would be wasted on Beth and Donny. Was that humour? Could she be hoping enough to think a joke?
‘You're dealing with all of us,’ Xander added.
Thank you.
‘’Cept me,’ Spike interjected.
Thank… oh never mind.
‘’Cept Spike.’ Xander explained.
‘I don't care what happens.’
But that didn’t matter - she didn’t need Spike. Spike least of all. She had friends who were sticking up for her. Why would she need a tamed vampire? And she realised that without moving they were all together. United. They were a group… in opposition to her family. No wonder Daddy was defensive.
‘This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We ... are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?’
But you said it Daddy. Tara’s affairs. My affairs… My choice – that was always what it was.
Given to me by my friends.
‘We're family,’ Buffy told him.
Given to me by my family. My new family. My real family.
Tara knew that the tears were still flowing. Her eyes felt full but apart from that she was numb to it. She must look so sad… but maybe she didn’t have to be. She could have the choice. She could have Willow… who smiled at her. The kind of smile that brought hope to a room.
Daddy was so mad. She had never seen him like that. He was bottling his rage and she wasn't used to that. Usually he would let it out in controlled bursts, imposing his discipline on his fam… kin.
‘Daaad. You -- you gonna let 'em just...’ Donny wanted to prove himself to them… that might even be fun to see him take on the slayer. Donny tailed off as he realised that his father was wavering and so he decided to take a hand…
Here it comes. Here is what he always wanted, his whole life since he understood what she was, he had been waiting for this day.
‘Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down,’ came her brother’s threat.
But she didn’t even flinch. She didn’t have to fear him anymore. If he wasn't her family then he was nothing. Just an accident of genetics.
‘And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.’ Xander promised.
It seemed like she had a new brother to look out for her and coward that he was at heart Donny gave up, his show of false bravado exposed for what it was. Only her would he dare try to bully.
‘Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon,’ Beth threw the insult but didn’t seem to realise what she had said – what it meant.
Beth had given up. Even if Daddy hadn’t quite yet… Beth was saying that she could stay and once that was accepted how could Daddy be any different? But Beth was also right… she was a demon. Nothing had changed there. But they could get round that. The Scoobies, they had helped contain Oz when he had been wolfie. They could help her too. She would gladly be chained, locked up… anything they demanded just to stay here with the person… people she loved.
‘E-excuse me. What kind?’ It was the first time Anya had spoken and Tara fancied that she had been absorbing it all, trying to follow human behaviour from the human side. And Tara didn’t even care that she hadn’t vocalised her support… it was just Anya. Of them all she had known that Anya would have stood with her if it came to it… because Anya had been there.
‘What?’ Beth was as confused as Tara.
Neither of them had ever thought to ask.
‘What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society,’ proclaimed the ex-vengeance demon and it was true… even Spike was proving that. There were things that could be done.
‘Well, I-I ... what does it matter?’ Beth stammered lacking a reply.
What does it matter? I’m not going.
‘Evil is evil,’ Daddy announced.
I’m not going… I can’t be evil… Mommy never was. I know that I will never be evil…
‘Well, let's just narrow it down,’ Anya suggested and Tara did want to know though. Anya knew demons. Mr Giles and Spike too. They could find out how to deal with it if they knew… how to help her through the bad times. Maybe, if they knew, she could even be with Willow… when… if Willow could stand that. If she was properly restrained and Willow protected. She knew it wouldn’t be so bad with Willow with her.
Lost in that thought she missed what Spike was saying and instead just saw a flash of blond hair and an approaching object after the vampire tapped her on the shoulder.
The pain was… not as bad as what she had been feeling inside. But it still hurt. It hurt a lot. It was her nose. The nose Willow found so cute. He hit my nose!
‘Oww!!’
And she was glad it was hurting him too. Served him right for hitting her… now of all times. Fed up with the argument, knocking her out to give her to Daddy? But Willow would stop him. Willow would protect her. Because I’m hers.
‘Hey!’ Willow protested. ‘Hey…’
‘He hit my nose!’ Tara cried to her love.
‘And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.’
It was true. It was hurting him. Hurting him. In the head. The chip. The chip that the Initiative had given him, which only hurt…
‘And that only works on humans.’ Buffy explained to Mr Maclay.
But he wouldn’t get it… Spike helped me. Spike… and only he could have.
I’m not….
I’m…
I can…
‘There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right?’ Spike summarised to Tara’s father.
But Tara knew it wasn’t a legend… it couldn’t just be that… why?
‘Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.’ Spike finished, his admiration was boundless.
Just to keep… All those years… All those women… Just to keep them… in line….
‘I'm not a demon,’ she told Willow. Though Willow probably got that already. It felt like a question though… she needed to hear it to be sure this wasn’t a dream.
‘You're not a demon,’ came the answer.
I’m not a demon. I’m a person… a human.
And I can stay because there is no reason to go. None. And I never will go. But…
‘He hurt my nose,’ Tara said… wanting a little more sympathy.
‘Aw.’ And she was lost in Willow’s smile once more, missing what Spike had to say… just so long as he didn’t hit her again. Giles, Buffy, Dawn… they were all facing Daddy down again… but she was just with Willow, lost in her. That and her sore nose.
‘Tara,’ Mr Maclay pulled her attention from her future with Willow. ‘For twenty years your family has taken care of you and supported you. If you wanna turn your back-’
That was Daddy giving up… he had never admitted it but he had known. He had known it wasn't true. All along. This was him giving up. If that argument was all he had left then… she was free.
‘Dad ... just go.’
He had lost her. They all had and losing a family should have bothered her. But she had found so much more.
‘Magic,’ Mr Maclay said as he exited.
But it hadn’t been magic. It never had. That was the whole point wasn't it.
‘Are you happy now?’ Beth asked.
Tara just smiled as somewhere, perhaps in the paradise that she had been elevated to music started to play. Music of the soul.
Oh yes. I’m happy.
We’ll be happy.
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Endnote
The music at the end of the fic is of course the fade into the party… but the transcript note just seemed too perfect to miss.
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She's my always
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I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
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del.
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quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
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She's my always
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As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
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[I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
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Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
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I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
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"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
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quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
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She's my always
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K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – She Never Existed (Part 44)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Family”
Summary: The final episode linked story from Family. Largely the final shop scene from that episode. Mainly Tara’s PoV’s but with Willow’s where possible. This part is a direct continuation of Part 43. Guess what? You were supposed to read that first!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: I have once more ripped the guts out of this episode used the transcript held at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ for both reference and to insert the lines correctly into the script. All credit to the transcriber and the original writers for these wonderful building blocks.
As with Parts 42 & 43 the title (of course!) refers to the line from Bryan Singers “The Usual Suspects.” It goes something like this “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
The transcript reflects the episode as shown where Mr Maclay states that Tara’s family have cared for and supported her for 18 years, yet earlier he confirmed that she was turning twenty. I have altered the line as presented below to reflect the age of twenty. (Even if Tara supported herself at college that would still be 19 years.) This is the only change made to the transcript provided lines unless anyone can provide a better explanation?
I am not ashamed to admit that writing this tears twice came to my eyes. Which isn’t an indication that it actually works but more that the end is so very near… still it is a happy end.
Thanks To: L just you this time.
The Beginnings Cycle
She Didn’t Exist
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara
I can’t be too late, I can’t. I can’t. Daddy can’t be the one to tell them about me. Daddy can’t dump that on Willow, not knowing who she is. He can’t. Please Daddy just don’t do that to her.
I have to be the one to hurt her myself. To rip her heart out and leave her empty.
You have to let me do it… let me try to explain and then baby… if you’ll still have me we can still be together. It won’t have to be any different Willow honey. We can still be together.
We can…
Tara opened the door to The Magic Box and stepped inside, and took only a step or two over the threshold before what was happening hit home. Oh no…no…no… Willow. She saw the demon, she saw it. It would hurt Willow. They would hurt Willow because there was more than one of them in there.
Willow… ‘Buffy, behind you!’ she shouted. The slayer. The slayer was Willow’s best hope for being okay. Much as she might want to do something herself, Buffy was the one who could save Willow. Who would. She was Willow’s friend… she’d always help her. No matter what…
Buffy managed to avoid being pounded on by the demon and it was before Buffy actually asked the question that Tara could understand what had happened. The others swiping blindly. Buffy hunting for something that was as clear as day to Tara. It wasn’t so much that she could see… it was that the others were blinded. The spell… Blind Cadria. She had messed up. And now she might get someone killed. She might already have done that.
‘Tara, where is it? Can you see it?’ Buffy shouted desperately.
‘Oh, god.’ What have I done? What have I done? What have I done Tara asked herself. Beth was right. Daddy was right. I could have killed them all. I might still do that. Willow… if Willow was hurt…
If Willow were hurt then she wouldn’t need to do anything to herself. Xander, Buffy, even Mr Giles. They would punish her for that. And she would deserve anything that they did. Anything at all. There would be nothing bad enough that they could do to her that would fit her crime if Willow were hurt.
The demon started to attack Buffy once more, having recovered itself. Punching Buffy. And if Buffy was tied up with that demon or god forbid even lost her battle then who would be able to protect Willow? And who would comfort Willow when she was gone…? Because after this she would have to go. She had to now. Hope was gone. But first Willow had to be saved. And to do that meant allowing them to see the truth about her. A tiny price to pay that wouldn’t even matter anymore.
She moved as far into the room as she dared and stopped, looking down and away from the fighting to concentrate. She couldn’t afford to get this wrong. There was just one chance. The Scoobies couldn’t afford her to fail. It had to be right first time. What were the words? ‘Blind Cadria, lift your veil. Give evil form...’
The demon that was attacking Buffy turned to her then. It knew. It knew what she was doing. It knew that she was about to take its advantage away. Come and attack me. I deserve it. Come for me. Come for me and leave them alone. Leave Willow alone. ‘...and break my spell,’ she completed the incantation before it could stop her.
It had worked. At the instant that she said the words, even with the demon rushing her she knew it had worked. Buffy was back… Buffy was back. And now the slayer could go and protect Willow… leave me to the demon. One way or another. The pain as it smashed a fist into her face. The pain was good. It was a friend. It was proof at least that she could still feel.
But Buffy didn’t abandon her to the demon… if only she knew. Buffy go help Willow she wanted to shout.
Willow…
She thought she heard a bell… was it really like the cartoons? Did you hear a bell when you got whacked in the head? Any minute now Bugs, Elmer and Sam would be here to keep her company. Is hell a cartoon reality? Where you are forever dropped off cliffs, whacked with frying pans and eaten by hungry rabbits… maybe that was where Anya’s Bunny fear came from.
The demon was stood over her. The coyote?
Here came Bugs, Elmer and Sam…
Daddy, Donny and Beth.
‘Tara!’ Daddy cried and the demon abandoned her to her cartoon focussed hysterics and was attacking Daddy. But before she could get up, before she could check on Willow there was a crack and the demon lay still in front of her father. Buffy’s foot on it’s neck. Was that how Buffy would deal with her when she found out? Snap her neck under her foot?
Who would help her?
‘What in god's name is that?’ Daddy asked no one in particular. Donny’s face a picture Tara thought absurdly. He had never seen what his sister would turn into. Maybe it frightened him. But she couldn’t laugh.
‘Lei-ach demon.’ A voice came from the back of the shop. Spike. ‘Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow-sucking.’ Spike would have finished her off in a beat, of someone else’s heart, but for his chip. It wouldn’t be him then.
She sat up on the floor… waiting. Guilty as charged, though no one had charged her yet. But someone would. They weren’t stupid and it was so very obvious. Now could she get away with her life? No one had been really hurt had they? Maybe if she just left then it would all be okay. But she had to be the one to say it. To tell them. To apologise. To speak to Willow.
‘I don't understand,’ Daddy told them. She stayed silent.
And with Buffy stood over her, impatient. Not happy – and why should she be happy. She knew who her accuser would be.
‘I'm not sure I do either,’ the slayer added. It was expectant, waiting for the answer.
Buffy knew that she had something to do with it. Buffy had heard her lift the spell. Buffy knew that she had been able to see when the others were blinded. There was no worthy excuse. Just being selfish. ‘I'm sorry. I'm s-s-so sorry. I was, I was trying to hide.’
But Willow was here. Willow was all right. Willow…
She had to tell Willow too.
As her love knelt beside her wanting to help her up and comfort her no doubt Tara felt that she should send Willow away from her, away from the danger that she had become. Before she did something else that could get them hurt. But how could she ever send Willow away? ‘I didn't want you to see ... what I am.’ She had to try and make Willow at least understand.
‘Tara, what?’
‘What do you mean, what you are?’ Buffy asked.
How could she say it? How could she, with Willow right beside her, tell them what she was? What she had been intimate with? What had betrayed her? What Willow had loved? She couldn’t find the words. But Daddy came to her rescue.
Your family loves you Tara. She knew that and now they were helping her to explain. He was taking pity on her by destroying the most wonderful thing she had ever known… and worst of all she wanted to thank him for it.
‘Demon. The women in our family... have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from.’ It was a matter of fact explanation. A little sad maybe.
It was so obviously fact. If ever Tara had doubted it, how could she after this? She wanted to hide, to run away. Let Daddy explain it all to them but her Willow was here. She looked up and found Willow staring back at her… disbelief in her eyes. But she would have to believe it – eventually. Better before I go than realising it was true later in the midst of the pain.
‘We came to take her home before...’ Mr Maclay sighed as if this proved everything he had ever feared or felt. ‘Well, before things like ... this started happening.’
‘You cast a spell on us, to keep us from seeing your ... demon side. That's why we couldn't see our attackers,’ Giles concluded.
It was obvious to them all now. It had to be. They had to realise now what she was. How could they doubt it now? Tara herself couldn’t doubt it. No one would stick up for her because no one should. Especially not herself. She had no excuses beyond… Willow.
Buffy looked back down the shop at something, probably Dawn. ‘Nearly got us killed,’ the slayer said, not at all happy.
It was true. It was true. She had done that and for no better reason than selfish love. ‘I'll go.’ She got up by herself, not waiting for Willow to help her. ‘I'm very sorry.’
‘The camper's outside,’ Daddy told her. He almost sounded sorry for her. Sympathetic. But he’d had far longer to get used to the idea that his daughter was a filthy demon and a danger to others than they’d had. Maybe one day they could understand if not forgive.
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Willow
‘Wait! Go?’ Willow couldn’t believe that this beautiful, wonderful, kind woman was in any way a demon. It just didn’t ring true with her… It couldn’t be true because she would have known. She would have known because she had never known anyone as deeply, as completely and as intimately as she had Tara. So what if even Tara believed it… It wasn't the truth and Tara had to see that. It couldn’t be true.
She had to stay… or at least make the choice for herself. And if she does that and chooses to go… then I want to know why. I want to know why. I want to make it so hard for her to tell me that she can’t do it. That she won’t go. She won’t leave me alone – like she found me.
‘I, she just did a spell that went wrong. It-it was just a mistake,’ she insisted to anyone who would listen. Giles, Buffy, Tara’s father, Tara… Tara most of all.
Tara had to see that. She had to see that was all it was. Serious yes. Bad maybe. But demonic? Never. Had this man who called himself Tara’s father never made a mistake? Had he never done anything he regretted? He was making a mistake if he believed that she would just accept it… he didn’t know her as Tara did.
Tara had to see.
At the very least how much I love her and need her.
And even if she were a demon…. Then she wasn’t evil… she was Tara. And I love her.
‘That's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us. We know how to control her ... problem,’ Mr Maclay told them all, but he was aiming at her, Willow knew that.
And Tara.
She looked at her love and found that Tara couldn’t return the gaze. She was frightened of her father? No she was frightened of what she thought she was and what Willow knew she could never be… Evil. ‘Tara ... look at me. I, I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie?’
Oh by the Goddess that was cruel. It tore at her soul to even ask. To ask Tara that when she knew it wasn’t true. To make her answer that question above all others… but she had to make Tara think. Really think. As if her love had been thinking about anything else. The snippets of conversation. The questions. The recent passion… something in Tara had been trying to tell her and she’d missed it all. She had left Tara to deal with this all herself – and now instead of days they had minutes to discover what Tara really wanted.
And what she could have.
‘No!’ Tara cried.
Oh baby I made you cry… more. I’m so sorry but you can’t leave me. Not like this. Never like this. I have to make you see that… please just see it. Make your own choice. Stand up to him and stay with me. Demon, woman… who cares. You’re Tara.
‘Well, do you wanna leave?’ The answer to that should be oh so clear. It was a question of wants. Not do you think you have to. Do you want to Tara? Say no honey. Just say no… Willow silently pleaded.
‘It's not your decision, young lady,’ Mr Maclay interjected.
Willow right then could have strangled him quite cheerfully. This was Tara’s time. Tara’s choice. If I had only seen, if I had just known I would have been with her. I’d have given her the strength to stand up to you and this would not be happening. It would not all be at risk. All that we are and have. All you have to do Tara… just stand up to him. Tell him. Don’t let his anger beat you down. Listen to our love. ‘I know that!’ she told him. So just shut up! This is Tara’s time… Our time.
‘Do you wanna leave?’ And that was the whole point. What do you want Tara? Just tell us all and we can help you. I can help you but you have to tell us. To show me so I can do that for you. For myself and for us.
Tara shook her head, crying.
And as the tears flowed Willow was sure that was enough… that even this monster couldn’t try and force his daughter to leave now. Knowing what she felt. How she felt. He couldn’t surely try and force her to go.
Please sweetie… please.
‘You're going to do what's right, Tara. Now, I'm taking you out of here before somebody does get killed. The girl belongs with her family. I hope that's clear to the rest of you,’ Mr Maclay stated.
What was right? Right? Was it right to force her to go when she wanted to stay… for one little mistake that hadn’t hurt anyone. Everyone here bar Dawn had done much, much worse than Tara. But I can’t tell her that. Tara had to see. She had to see. Just open your eyes honey and see.
See me… and you. Together. Always. Remember always?
If you don’t look then it might be that all you have is memories. Please just see us here for you. We are all here for you. We can help if you want us to.
‘It is,’ Buffy said answering Mr Maclay’s question. ‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her.’
Oh Buffy no… no… how can you do this to her. What has she ever done to you? It was just a mistake, one little mistake. No… please don’t give up on her. Don’t send her away from me.
Please don’t listen to her Tara. Listen to your heart. If you can hear it… then you’re hearing me. Choose me. Choose our love.
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Tara
‘It is,’ Buffy said and Tara felt the stare of the Slayer on her rather than saw it. Probably trying to work out what kind of a demon I am. I never thought to ask… for all it matters. Working out what it would take to force me to go… if it came for me now and threatened them.
‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her,’ Buffy continued.
It was for the best. She was being given a chance to get out, intact and alive. How could they let a demon be part of the Scoobies. They had to do good. Demons… didn’t. If she had turned and she had actually hurt someone they wouldn’t be able to forgive themselves for letting her stay. What if she had hurt Willow? That had to be Buffy’s concern now. The slayer had to protect her friends. From anything – including me.
And Daddy was happy.
Everyone’s happy. Except Willow but Buffy would look out for her. Eventually she would… forget.
And me… I’m not happy, but that isn’t what’s important. Not me.
‘You just gotta go through me.’
Buffy’s word seemed unreal. So totally at odds with what had gone before. So out of step with her own thoughts that Tara had to believe that it was just wishful thinking. A dream. A hallucination. Maybe another form of torture. But as she looked up Buffy was an imposing figure. Challenging Daddy.
She couldn’t remember anyone ever really challenged Daddy.
But the slayer was. Buffy was… helping me? Could she…?
Stay?
‘What?’ The shock in her father’s voice was… there. His assurance was gone. He had known that she would return home. Now he didn’t know anymore… and if he didn’t know then…
‘You heard me.’
It was real. Buffy was really doing it. For Willow, for me, for self-determination? She didn’t care. But Buffy was doing it. She was standing up to him. As I never could.
‘You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me,’ Buffy offered him that chance.
And Daddy had no idea what that meant…
‘And me!’ Dawn chirped in, moving to her sister’s side staring Tara’s father down.
Oh Dawny… thank you honey… could I get to watch you grow into the kind woman you are becoming?
‘Is this a joke?’ Mr Maclay started, descending the stairs towards them.
Don’t do it Daddy. You don’t know. You don’t understand. Buffy will hurt you if you make her. Please don’t. You don’t know what you’re dealing with. Please.
‘I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.’ But he was threatened. Tara could see that in his restraint. He was afraid of the strength of their will and the determination in their voices already.
‘You don't wanna mess with us,’ Dawn told him.
‘She's a hair-puller,’ Buffy quipped.
Tara wanted to laugh at that. But she wanted to sob too. She settled for a smile. Gratitude, happiness… hope.
Giles joined his charge and her sister. ‘And ... you're not just dealing with, uh, two little girls.’
Tara knew her smile was widening but hoped he wasn't about to explain just what that meant. Exposition would be wasted on Beth and Donny. Was that humour? Could she be hoping enough to think a joke?
‘You're dealing with all of us,’ Xander added.
Thank you.
‘’Cept me,’ Spike interjected.
Thank… oh never mind.
‘’Cept Spike.’ Xander explained.
‘I don't care what happens.’
But that didn’t matter - she didn’t need Spike. Spike least of all. She had friends who were sticking up for her. Why would she need a tamed vampire? And she realised that without moving they were all together. United. They were a group… in opposition to her family. No wonder Daddy was defensive.
‘This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We ... are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?’
But you said it Daddy. Tara’s affairs. My affairs… My choice – that was always what it was.
Given to me by my friends.
‘We're family,’ Buffy told him.
Given to me by my family. My new family. My real family.
Tara knew that the tears were still flowing. Her eyes felt full but apart from that she was numb to it. She must look so sad… but maybe she didn’t have to be. She could have the choice. She could have Willow… who smiled at her. The kind of smile that brought hope to a room.
Daddy was so mad. She had never seen him like that. He was bottling his rage and she wasn't used to that. Usually he would let it out in controlled bursts, imposing his discipline on his fam… kin.
‘Daaad. You -- you gonna let 'em just...’ Donny wanted to prove himself to them… that might even be fun to see him take on the slayer. Donny tailed off as he realised that his father was wavering and so he decided to take a hand…
Here it comes. Here is what he always wanted, his whole life since he understood what she was, he had been waiting for this day.
‘Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down,’ came her brother’s threat.
But she didn’t even flinch. She didn’t have to fear him anymore. If he wasn't her family then he was nothing. Just an accident of genetics.
‘And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.’ Xander promised.
It seemed like she had a new brother to look out for her and coward that he was at heart Donny gave up, his show of false bravado exposed for what it was. Only her would he dare try to bully.
‘Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon,’ Beth threw the insult but didn’t seem to realise what she had said – what it meant.
Beth had given up. Even if Daddy hadn’t quite yet… Beth was saying that she could stay and once that was accepted how could Daddy be any different? But Beth was also right… she was a demon. Nothing had changed there. But they could get round that. The Scoobies, they had helped contain Oz when he had been wolfie. They could help her too. She would gladly be chained, locked up… anything they demanded just to stay here with the person… people she loved.
‘E-excuse me. What kind?’ It was the first time Anya had spoken and Tara fancied that she had been absorbing it all, trying to follow human behaviour from the human side. And Tara didn’t even care that she hadn’t vocalised her support… it was just Anya. Of them all she had known that Anya would have stood with her if it came to it… because Anya had been there.
‘What?’ Beth was as confused as Tara.
Neither of them had ever thought to ask.
‘What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society,’ proclaimed the ex-vengeance demon and it was true… even Spike was proving that. There were things that could be done.
‘Well, I-I ... what does it matter?’ Beth stammered lacking a reply.
What does it matter? I’m not going.
‘Evil is evil,’ Daddy announced.
I’m not going… I can’t be evil… Mommy never was. I know that I will never be evil…
‘Well, let's just narrow it down,’ Anya suggested and Tara did want to know though. Anya knew demons. Mr Giles and Spike too. They could find out how to deal with it if they knew… how to help her through the bad times. Maybe, if they knew, she could even be with Willow… when… if Willow could stand that. If she was properly restrained and Willow protected. She knew it wouldn’t be so bad with Willow with her.
Lost in that thought she missed what Spike was saying and instead just saw a flash of blond hair and an approaching object after the vampire tapped her on the shoulder.
The pain was… not as bad as what she had been feeling inside. But it still hurt. It hurt a lot. It was her nose. The nose Willow found so cute. He hit my nose!
‘Oww!!’
And she was glad it was hurting him too. Served him right for hitting her… now of all times. Fed up with the argument, knocking her out to give her to Daddy? But Willow would stop him. Willow would protect her. Because I’m hers.
‘Hey!’ Willow protested. ‘Hey…’
‘He hit my nose!’ Tara cried to her love.
‘And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.’
It was true. It was hurting him. Hurting him. In the head. The chip. The chip that the Initiative had given him, which only hurt…
‘And that only works on humans.’ Buffy explained to Mr Maclay.
But he wouldn’t get it… Spike helped me. Spike… and only he could have.
I’m not….
I’m…
I can…
‘There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right?’ Spike summarised to Tara’s father.
But Tara knew it wasn’t a legend… it couldn’t just be that… why?
‘Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.’ Spike finished, his admiration was boundless.
Just to keep… All those years… All those women… Just to keep them… in line….
‘I'm not a demon,’ she told Willow. Though Willow probably got that already. It felt like a question though… she needed to hear it to be sure this wasn’t a dream.
‘You're not a demon,’ came the answer.
I’m not a demon. I’m a person… a human.
And I can stay because there is no reason to go. None. And I never will go. But…
‘He hurt my nose,’ Tara said… wanting a little more sympathy.
‘Aw.’ And she was lost in Willow’s smile once more, missing what Spike had to say… just so long as he didn’t hit her again. Giles, Buffy, Dawn… they were all facing Daddy down again… but she was just with Willow, lost in her. That and her sore nose.
‘Tara,’ Mr Maclay pulled her attention from her future with Willow. ‘For twenty years your family has taken care of you and supported you. If you wanna turn your back-’
That was Daddy giving up… he had never admitted it but he had known. He had known it wasn't true. All along. This was him giving up. If that argument was all he had left then… she was free.
‘Dad ... just go.’
He had lost her. They all had and losing a family should have bothered her. But she had found so much more.
‘Magic,’ Mr Maclay said as he exited.
But it hadn’t been magic. It never had. That was the whole point wasn't it.
‘Are you happy now?’ Beth asked.
Tara just smiled as somewhere, perhaps in the paradise that she had been elevated to music started to play. Music of the soul.
Oh yes. I’m happy.
We’ll be happy.
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Endnote
The music at the end of the fic is of course the fade into the party… but the transcript note just seemed too perfect to miss.
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She's my always
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I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
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del.
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quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
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She's my always
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As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
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[I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
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Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
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I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
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"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
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quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
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She's my always
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I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
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posted November 16, 2001 01:33 New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic... it's GREAT.I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
IP: LoggeddelanyDoll's eye crystal del.
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posted November 16, 2001 01:33 hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!del.
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
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She's my always
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 01:41quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
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She's my always
As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 02:05 Yeah, I hate it when I'm accidentally spoiled, hence the big "this has S6 Spoilers" warning at the start of that story.As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
IP: LoggedForristerWillowhand [I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 02:23 I knew this would be great, I've been waiting so long for this moment and its here and it's, it's, ... effulgent![I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 04:26 Katharyn,Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 08:21 oooh... you posted it early! Didn't you know I was looking forward to sweet little friday evening treat to break up the long hours of Children in Need?I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover ------------------
"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 13:19 Dammit! I'm missing Children In Need? That was like, the highlight of my November viewing too...sigh...------------------
"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
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She's my always
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 14:09quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
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She's my always
by Forrister » Tue Nov 13, 2001 11:55 am
I admit, today I did do a spot of lurking. Mea Culpa. But it was worth it. Thanks
Carpe diem!
(seize the day!)
by emily 'first' » Tue Nov 13, 2001 12:47 pm
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vive,valeque.
[This message has been edited by emily 'first' (edited November 13, 2001).]
by wizpup » Tue Nov 13, 2001 5:53 pm
I digress.
Katharyn - thanks for posting this as promised. I really like the way you fill in all the gaps between the tantalising glimpses of w/t action in the shows.
People have commented previously on some serious dislike for Donny, but I think Beth is right up there with him. When I was 16 I had a cousin the same age as me,and she was one of the first people I came out to. She wasn't exactly impressed; told me not to be stupid and that I was no more gay than she was. 16 years later, she's married with kids and guess what? Still gay!
I guess that's why the Beth character rings so true with me.
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?
BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
by Katharyn » Tue Nov 13, 2001 10:43 pm
quote:
Originally posted by wizpup:
Would it be rude of me to ask when the next chapter is scheduled for?BTW - thanks for being so nice about my fic.
Rude no... impatient yes... I usually let the dust settle but just for you I think Part 44 will be posted on Saturday, possibly Friday night (GMT). It kind of depends on the re-write of Part 45 going okay and on schedule now that I am back.
Thankyou for the feedback everyone!
Katharyn
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She's my always
by delany » Wed Nov 14, 2001 12:42 am
del
by mollyig » Wed Nov 14, 2001 2:50 am
Poor turmoiled Tara.
I giggled lots at this:
"And you can still kiss and make up!’ Anya chirped up, ever the sexual optimist. ‘I was just saying…’ she replied to Willow’s glare.
Anya is probably my third favourite character on BTVS, and this is so Anya!
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Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
by Katharyn » Wed Nov 14, 2001 12:27 pm
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
(apart for the one that i'm hoping will come in the next chapter )
marvelous.. simply marvelous..del
Seriously what are you hoping for? Not that I am above adding something!
Katharyn
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She's my always
by Katharyn » Thu Nov 15, 2001 10:55 pm
K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – She Never Existed (Part 44)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Family”
Summary: The final episode linked story from Family. Largely the final shop scene from that episode. Mainly Tara’s PoV’s but with Willow’s where possible. This part is a direct continuation of Part 43. Guess what? You were supposed to read that first!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: I have once more ripped the guts out of this episode used the transcript held at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ for both reference and to insert the lines correctly into the script. All credit to the transcriber and the original writers for these wonderful building blocks.
As with Parts 42 & 43 the title (of course!) refers to the line from Bryan Singers “The Usual Suspects.” It goes something like this “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
The transcript reflects the episode as shown where Mr Maclay states that Tara’s family have cared for and supported her for 18 years, yet earlier he confirmed that she was turning twenty. I have altered the line as presented below to reflect the age of twenty. (Even if Tara supported herself at college that would still be 19 years.) This is the only change made to the transcript provided lines unless anyone can provide a better explanation?
I am not ashamed to admit that writing this tears twice came to my eyes. Which isn’t an indication that it actually works but more that the end is so very near… still it is a happy end.
Thanks To: L just you this time.
The Beginnings Cycle
She Didn’t Exist
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara
I can’t be too late, I can’t. I can’t. Daddy can’t be the one to tell them about me. Daddy can’t dump that on Willow, not knowing who she is. He can’t. Please Daddy just don’t do that to her.
I have to be the one to hurt her myself. To rip her heart out and leave her empty.
You have to let me do it… let me try to explain and then baby… if you’ll still have me we can still be together. It won’t have to be any different Willow honey. We can still be together.
We can…
Tara opened the door to The Magic Box and stepped inside, and took only a step or two over the threshold before what was happening hit home. Oh no…no…no… Willow. She saw the demon, she saw it. It would hurt Willow. They would hurt Willow because there was more than one of them in there.
Willow… ‘Buffy, behind you!’ she shouted. The slayer. The slayer was Willow’s best hope for being okay. Much as she might want to do something herself, Buffy was the one who could save Willow. Who would. She was Willow’s friend… she’d always help her. No matter what…
Buffy managed to avoid being pounded on by the demon and it was before Buffy actually asked the question that Tara could understand what had happened. The others swiping blindly. Buffy hunting for something that was as clear as day to Tara. It wasn’t so much that she could see… it was that the others were blinded. The spell… Blind Cadria. She had messed up. And now she might get someone killed. She might already have done that.
‘Tara, where is it? Can you see it?’ Buffy shouted desperately.
‘Oh, god.’ What have I done? What have I done? What have I done Tara asked herself. Beth was right. Daddy was right. I could have killed them all. I might still do that. Willow… if Willow was hurt…
If Willow were hurt then she wouldn’t need to do anything to herself. Xander, Buffy, even Mr Giles. They would punish her for that. And she would deserve anything that they did. Anything at all. There would be nothing bad enough that they could do to her that would fit her crime if Willow were hurt.
The demon started to attack Buffy once more, having recovered itself. Punching Buffy. And if Buffy was tied up with that demon or god forbid even lost her battle then who would be able to protect Willow? And who would comfort Willow when she was gone…? Because after this she would have to go. She had to now. Hope was gone. But first Willow had to be saved. And to do that meant allowing them to see the truth about her. A tiny price to pay that wouldn’t even matter anymore.
She moved as far into the room as she dared and stopped, looking down and away from the fighting to concentrate. She couldn’t afford to get this wrong. There was just one chance. The Scoobies couldn’t afford her to fail. It had to be right first time. What were the words? ‘Blind Cadria, lift your veil. Give evil form...’
The demon that was attacking Buffy turned to her then. It knew. It knew what she was doing. It knew that she was about to take its advantage away. Come and attack me. I deserve it. Come for me. Come for me and leave them alone. Leave Willow alone. ‘...and break my spell,’ she completed the incantation before it could stop her.
It had worked. At the instant that she said the words, even with the demon rushing her she knew it had worked. Buffy was back… Buffy was back. And now the slayer could go and protect Willow… leave me to the demon. One way or another. The pain as it smashed a fist into her face. The pain was good. It was a friend. It was proof at least that she could still feel.
But Buffy didn’t abandon her to the demon… if only she knew. Buffy go help Willow she wanted to shout.
Willow…
She thought she heard a bell… was it really like the cartoons? Did you hear a bell when you got whacked in the head? Any minute now Bugs, Elmer and Sam would be here to keep her company. Is hell a cartoon reality? Where you are forever dropped off cliffs, whacked with frying pans and eaten by hungry rabbits… maybe that was where Anya’s Bunny fear came from.
The demon was stood over her. The coyote?
Here came Bugs, Elmer and Sam…
Daddy, Donny and Beth.
‘Tara!’ Daddy cried and the demon abandoned her to her cartoon focussed hysterics and was attacking Daddy. But before she could get up, before she could check on Willow there was a crack and the demon lay still in front of her father. Buffy’s foot on it’s neck. Was that how Buffy would deal with her when she found out? Snap her neck under her foot?
Who would help her?
‘What in god's name is that?’ Daddy asked no one in particular. Donny’s face a picture Tara thought absurdly. He had never seen what his sister would turn into. Maybe it frightened him. But she couldn’t laugh.
‘Lei-ach demon.’ A voice came from the back of the shop. Spike. ‘Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow-sucking.’ Spike would have finished her off in a beat, of someone else’s heart, but for his chip. It wouldn’t be him then.
She sat up on the floor… waiting. Guilty as charged, though no one had charged her yet. But someone would. They weren’t stupid and it was so very obvious. Now could she get away with her life? No one had been really hurt had they? Maybe if she just left then it would all be okay. But she had to be the one to say it. To tell them. To apologise. To speak to Willow.
‘I don't understand,’ Daddy told them. She stayed silent.
And with Buffy stood over her, impatient. Not happy – and why should she be happy. She knew who her accuser would be.
‘I'm not sure I do either,’ the slayer added. It was expectant, waiting for the answer.
Buffy knew that she had something to do with it. Buffy had heard her lift the spell. Buffy knew that she had been able to see when the others were blinded. There was no worthy excuse. Just being selfish. ‘I'm sorry. I'm s-s-so sorry. I was, I was trying to hide.’
But Willow was here. Willow was all right. Willow…
She had to tell Willow too.
As her love knelt beside her wanting to help her up and comfort her no doubt Tara felt that she should send Willow away from her, away from the danger that she had become. Before she did something else that could get them hurt. But how could she ever send Willow away? ‘I didn't want you to see ... what I am.’ She had to try and make Willow at least understand.
‘Tara, what?’
‘What do you mean, what you are?’ Buffy asked.
How could she say it? How could she, with Willow right beside her, tell them what she was? What she had been intimate with? What had betrayed her? What Willow had loved? She couldn’t find the words. But Daddy came to her rescue.
Your family loves you Tara. She knew that and now they were helping her to explain. He was taking pity on her by destroying the most wonderful thing she had ever known… and worst of all she wanted to thank him for it.
‘Demon. The women in our family... have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from.’ It was a matter of fact explanation. A little sad maybe.
It was so obviously fact. If ever Tara had doubted it, how could she after this? She wanted to hide, to run away. Let Daddy explain it all to them but her Willow was here. She looked up and found Willow staring back at her… disbelief in her eyes. But she would have to believe it – eventually. Better before I go than realising it was true later in the midst of the pain.
‘We came to take her home before...’ Mr Maclay sighed as if this proved everything he had ever feared or felt. ‘Well, before things like ... this started happening.’
‘You cast a spell on us, to keep us from seeing your ... demon side. That's why we couldn't see our attackers,’ Giles concluded.
It was obvious to them all now. It had to be. They had to realise now what she was. How could they doubt it now? Tara herself couldn’t doubt it. No one would stick up for her because no one should. Especially not herself. She had no excuses beyond… Willow.
Buffy looked back down the shop at something, probably Dawn. ‘Nearly got us killed,’ the slayer said, not at all happy.
It was true. It was true. She had done that and for no better reason than selfish love. ‘I'll go.’ She got up by herself, not waiting for Willow to help her. ‘I'm very sorry.’
‘The camper's outside,’ Daddy told her. He almost sounded sorry for her. Sympathetic. But he’d had far longer to get used to the idea that his daughter was a filthy demon and a danger to others than they’d had. Maybe one day they could understand if not forgive.
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Willow
‘Wait! Go?’ Willow couldn’t believe that this beautiful, wonderful, kind woman was in any way a demon. It just didn’t ring true with her… It couldn’t be true because she would have known. She would have known because she had never known anyone as deeply, as completely and as intimately as she had Tara. So what if even Tara believed it… It wasn't the truth and Tara had to see that. It couldn’t be true.
She had to stay… or at least make the choice for herself. And if she does that and chooses to go… then I want to know why. I want to know why. I want to make it so hard for her to tell me that she can’t do it. That she won’t go. She won’t leave me alone – like she found me.
‘I, she just did a spell that went wrong. It-it was just a mistake,’ she insisted to anyone who would listen. Giles, Buffy, Tara’s father, Tara… Tara most of all.
Tara had to see that. She had to see that was all it was. Serious yes. Bad maybe. But demonic? Never. Had this man who called himself Tara’s father never made a mistake? Had he never done anything he regretted? He was making a mistake if he believed that she would just accept it… he didn’t know her as Tara did.
Tara had to see.
At the very least how much I love her and need her.
And even if she were a demon…. Then she wasn’t evil… she was Tara. And I love her.
‘That's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us. We know how to control her ... problem,’ Mr Maclay told them all, but he was aiming at her, Willow knew that.
And Tara.
She looked at her love and found that Tara couldn’t return the gaze. She was frightened of her father? No she was frightened of what she thought she was and what Willow knew she could never be… Evil. ‘Tara ... look at me. I, I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie?’
Oh by the Goddess that was cruel. It tore at her soul to even ask. To ask Tara that when she knew it wasn’t true. To make her answer that question above all others… but she had to make Tara think. Really think. As if her love had been thinking about anything else. The snippets of conversation. The questions. The recent passion… something in Tara had been trying to tell her and she’d missed it all. She had left Tara to deal with this all herself – and now instead of days they had minutes to discover what Tara really wanted.
And what she could have.
‘No!’ Tara cried.
Oh baby I made you cry… more. I’m so sorry but you can’t leave me. Not like this. Never like this. I have to make you see that… please just see it. Make your own choice. Stand up to him and stay with me. Demon, woman… who cares. You’re Tara.
‘Well, do you wanna leave?’ The answer to that should be oh so clear. It was a question of wants. Not do you think you have to. Do you want to Tara? Say no honey. Just say no… Willow silently pleaded.
‘It's not your decision, young lady,’ Mr Maclay interjected.
Willow right then could have strangled him quite cheerfully. This was Tara’s time. Tara’s choice. If I had only seen, if I had just known I would have been with her. I’d have given her the strength to stand up to you and this would not be happening. It would not all be at risk. All that we are and have. All you have to do Tara… just stand up to him. Tell him. Don’t let his anger beat you down. Listen to our love. ‘I know that!’ she told him. So just shut up! This is Tara’s time… Our time.
‘Do you wanna leave?’ And that was the whole point. What do you want Tara? Just tell us all and we can help you. I can help you but you have to tell us. To show me so I can do that for you. For myself and for us.
Tara shook her head, crying.
And as the tears flowed Willow was sure that was enough… that even this monster couldn’t try and force his daughter to leave now. Knowing what she felt. How she felt. He couldn’t surely try and force her to go.
Please sweetie… please.
‘You're going to do what's right, Tara. Now, I'm taking you out of here before somebody does get killed. The girl belongs with her family. I hope that's clear to the rest of you,’ Mr Maclay stated.
What was right? Right? Was it right to force her to go when she wanted to stay… for one little mistake that hadn’t hurt anyone. Everyone here bar Dawn had done much, much worse than Tara. But I can’t tell her that. Tara had to see. She had to see. Just open your eyes honey and see.
See me… and you. Together. Always. Remember always?
If you don’t look then it might be that all you have is memories. Please just see us here for you. We are all here for you. We can help if you want us to.
‘It is,’ Buffy said answering Mr Maclay’s question. ‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her.’
Oh Buffy no… no… how can you do this to her. What has she ever done to you? It was just a mistake, one little mistake. No… please don’t give up on her. Don’t send her away from me.
Please don’t listen to her Tara. Listen to your heart. If you can hear it… then you’re hearing me. Choose me. Choose our love.
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Tara
‘It is,’ Buffy said and Tara felt the stare of the Slayer on her rather than saw it. Probably trying to work out what kind of a demon I am. I never thought to ask… for all it matters. Working out what it would take to force me to go… if it came for me now and threatened them.
‘You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her,’ Buffy continued.
It was for the best. She was being given a chance to get out, intact and alive. How could they let a demon be part of the Scoobies. They had to do good. Demons… didn’t. If she had turned and she had actually hurt someone they wouldn’t be able to forgive themselves for letting her stay. What if she had hurt Willow? That had to be Buffy’s concern now. The slayer had to protect her friends. From anything – including me.
And Daddy was happy.
Everyone’s happy. Except Willow but Buffy would look out for her. Eventually she would… forget.
And me… I’m not happy, but that isn’t what’s important. Not me.
‘You just gotta go through me.’
Buffy’s word seemed unreal. So totally at odds with what had gone before. So out of step with her own thoughts that Tara had to believe that it was just wishful thinking. A dream. A hallucination. Maybe another form of torture. But as she looked up Buffy was an imposing figure. Challenging Daddy.
She couldn’t remember anyone ever really challenged Daddy.
But the slayer was. Buffy was… helping me? Could she…?
Stay?
‘What?’ The shock in her father’s voice was… there. His assurance was gone. He had known that she would return home. Now he didn’t know anymore… and if he didn’t know then…
‘You heard me.’
It was real. Buffy was really doing it. For Willow, for me, for self-determination? She didn’t care. But Buffy was doing it. She was standing up to him. As I never could.
‘You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me,’ Buffy offered him that chance.
And Daddy had no idea what that meant…
‘And me!’ Dawn chirped in, moving to her sister’s side staring Tara’s father down.
Oh Dawny… thank you honey… could I get to watch you grow into the kind woman you are becoming?
‘Is this a joke?’ Mr Maclay started, descending the stairs towards them.
Don’t do it Daddy. You don’t know. You don’t understand. Buffy will hurt you if you make her. Please don’t. You don’t know what you’re dealing with. Please.
‘I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.’ But he was threatened. Tara could see that in his restraint. He was afraid of the strength of their will and the determination in their voices already.
‘You don't wanna mess with us,’ Dawn told him.
‘She's a hair-puller,’ Buffy quipped.
Tara wanted to laugh at that. But she wanted to sob too. She settled for a smile. Gratitude, happiness… hope.
Giles joined his charge and her sister. ‘And ... you're not just dealing with, uh, two little girls.’
Tara knew her smile was widening but hoped he wasn't about to explain just what that meant. Exposition would be wasted on Beth and Donny. Was that humour? Could she be hoping enough to think a joke?
‘You're dealing with all of us,’ Xander added.
Thank you.
‘’Cept me,’ Spike interjected.
Thank… oh never mind.
‘’Cept Spike.’ Xander explained.
‘I don't care what happens.’
But that didn’t matter - she didn’t need Spike. Spike least of all. She had friends who were sticking up for her. Why would she need a tamed vampire? And she realised that without moving they were all together. United. They were a group… in opposition to her family. No wonder Daddy was defensive.
‘This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We ... are her blood kin! Who the hell are you?’
But you said it Daddy. Tara’s affairs. My affairs… My choice – that was always what it was.
Given to me by my friends.
‘We're family,’ Buffy told him.
Given to me by my family. My new family. My real family.
Tara knew that the tears were still flowing. Her eyes felt full but apart from that she was numb to it. She must look so sad… but maybe she didn’t have to be. She could have the choice. She could have Willow… who smiled at her. The kind of smile that brought hope to a room.
Daddy was so mad. She had never seen him like that. He was bottling his rage and she wasn't used to that. Usually he would let it out in controlled bursts, imposing his discipline on his fam… kin.
‘Daaad. You -- you gonna let 'em just...’ Donny wanted to prove himself to them… that might even be fun to see him take on the slayer. Donny tailed off as he realised that his father was wavering and so he decided to take a hand…
Here it comes. Here is what he always wanted, his whole life since he understood what she was, he had been waiting for this day.
‘Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down,’ came her brother’s threat.
But she didn’t even flinch. She didn’t have to fear him anymore. If he wasn't her family then he was nothing. Just an accident of genetics.
‘And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.’ Xander promised.
It seemed like she had a new brother to look out for her and coward that he was at heart Donny gave up, his show of false bravado exposed for what it was. Only her would he dare try to bully.
‘Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon,’ Beth threw the insult but didn’t seem to realise what she had said – what it meant.
Beth had given up. Even if Daddy hadn’t quite yet… Beth was saying that she could stay and once that was accepted how could Daddy be any different? But Beth was also right… she was a demon. Nothing had changed there. But they could get round that. The Scoobies, they had helped contain Oz when he had been wolfie. They could help her too. She would gladly be chained, locked up… anything they demanded just to stay here with the person… people she loved.
‘E-excuse me. What kind?’ It was the first time Anya had spoken and Tara fancied that she had been absorbing it all, trying to follow human behaviour from the human side. And Tara didn’t even care that she hadn’t vocalised her support… it was just Anya. Of them all she had known that Anya would have stood with her if it came to it… because Anya had been there.
‘What?’ Beth was as confused as Tara.
Neither of them had ever thought to ask.
‘What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society,’ proclaimed the ex-vengeance demon and it was true… even Spike was proving that. There were things that could be done.
‘Well, I-I ... what does it matter?’ Beth stammered lacking a reply.
What does it matter? I’m not going.
‘Evil is evil,’ Daddy announced.
I’m not going… I can’t be evil… Mommy never was. I know that I will never be evil…
‘Well, let's just narrow it down,’ Anya suggested and Tara did want to know though. Anya knew demons. Mr Giles and Spike too. They could find out how to deal with it if they knew… how to help her through the bad times. Maybe, if they knew, she could even be with Willow… when… if Willow could stand that. If she was properly restrained and Willow protected. She knew it wouldn’t be so bad with Willow with her.
Lost in that thought she missed what Spike was saying and instead just saw a flash of blond hair and an approaching object after the vampire tapped her on the shoulder.
The pain was… not as bad as what she had been feeling inside. But it still hurt. It hurt a lot. It was her nose. The nose Willow found so cute. He hit my nose!
‘Oww!!’
And she was glad it was hurting him too. Served him right for hitting her… now of all times. Fed up with the argument, knocking her out to give her to Daddy? But Willow would stop him. Willow would protect her. Because I’m hers.
‘Hey!’ Willow protested. ‘Hey…’
‘He hit my nose!’ Tara cried to her love.
‘And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.’
It was true. It was hurting him. Hurting him. In the head. The chip. The chip that the Initiative had given him, which only hurt…
‘And that only works on humans.’ Buffy explained to Mr Maclay.
But he wouldn’t get it… Spike helped me. Spike… and only he could have.
I’m not….
I’m…
I can…
‘There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right?’ Spike summarised to Tara’s father.
But Tara knew it wasn’t a legend… it couldn’t just be that… why?
‘Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.’ Spike finished, his admiration was boundless.
Just to keep… All those years… All those women… Just to keep them… in line….
‘I'm not a demon,’ she told Willow. Though Willow probably got that already. It felt like a question though… she needed to hear it to be sure this wasn’t a dream.
‘You're not a demon,’ came the answer.
I’m not a demon. I’m a person… a human.
And I can stay because there is no reason to go. None. And I never will go. But…
‘He hurt my nose,’ Tara said… wanting a little more sympathy.
‘Aw.’ And she was lost in Willow’s smile once more, missing what Spike had to say… just so long as he didn’t hit her again. Giles, Buffy, Dawn… they were all facing Daddy down again… but she was just with Willow, lost in her. That and her sore nose.
‘Tara,’ Mr Maclay pulled her attention from her future with Willow. ‘For twenty years your family has taken care of you and supported you. If you wanna turn your back-’
That was Daddy giving up… he had never admitted it but he had known. He had known it wasn't true. All along. This was him giving up. If that argument was all he had left then… she was free.
‘Dad ... just go.’
He had lost her. They all had and losing a family should have bothered her. But she had found so much more.
‘Magic,’ Mr Maclay said as he exited.
But it hadn’t been magic. It never had. That was the whole point wasn't it.
‘Are you happy now?’ Beth asked.
Tara just smiled as somewhere, perhaps in the paradise that she had been elevated to music started to play. Music of the soul.
Oh yes. I’m happy.
We’ll be happy.
----------------
Endnote
The music at the end of the fic is of course the fade into the party… but the transcript note just seemed too perfect to miss.
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
IP: Logged
del.
IP: Logged
quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
IP: Logged
[I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
IP: Logged
Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
------------------
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
IP: Logged
I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
IP: Logged
------------------
"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
IP: Logged
quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 01:33 New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic... it's GREAT.I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
IP: LoggeddelanyDoll's eye crystal del.
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 01:33 hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!del.
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 01:41quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 02:05 Yeah, I hate it when I'm accidentally spoiled, hence the big "this has S6 Spoilers" warning at the start of that story.As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
IP: LoggedForristerWillowhand [I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 02:23 I knew this would be great, I've been waiting so long for this moment and its here and it's, it's, ... effulgent![I love it when I'm right, but when I have to quote Spike to find the right word? Well!]
Thanks Katharyn
Aequabit nigras candida una dies.
(One single bright day will equal the black ones.)
Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
------------------
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 04:26 Katharyn,Great addition to the Cycle. That scene always makes me all misty-eyed when I watch it, and your fic did too!
------------------
Willow: And I happen to think mine is the level head, and yours is the one things would roll off of.
I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 08:21 oooh... you posted it early! Didn't you know I was looking forward to sweet little friday evening treat to break up the long hours of Children in Need?I liked the switch in perspectives through the course of events, like changing camera angle or something - that kind of thing helps me with the visualisation of the story; makes it more real, you know?
Can't believe it's nearly over. The long wait for season 6 continues...
IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover ------------------
"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 13:19 Dammit! I'm missing Children In Need? That was like, the highlight of my November viewing too...sigh...------------------
"Welcome to the nancy tribe."
quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
posted November 16, 2001 14:09quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
The dance is DEFINITELY part of part 45 which is definitely next... as is everything up to the return to their room that night. Actually this is more a question of whether I let the cycle end there and sum up their feelings, or stick a Spike/Tara story that has to occur the next day in as well. If I do the lighthearted Spike piece then I am forced to leave the "end" summing up until part 47... which just doesn't feel right... and why I might bump Spike/Tara to the start of the Middle Bit.
As for what is next... well Kerry and I have something sticking it's head into the pipeline for Xmas (starting that next week Kerry) and Sidestep's planning and early drafts are well underway (getting going properly on that next week too.) The "Middle Bit" well as it will work the same way as this cycle I shall just do each episode as it comes to me. Once I get far enough in to build up a decent cushion (and know some details of S6 to give me an end point which I will not spoil myself for) then I will start to post that...
Gosh sounds like alot...
------------------
She's my always
by Sassette » Thu Nov 15, 2001 11:33 pm
I love,love, love it!
Thank you for writing and sharing it *G*
-Sassette
by delany » Thu Nov 15, 2001 11:33 pm
del.
by Katharyn » Thu Nov 15, 2001 11:41 pm
quote:
Originally posted by Sassette:
New to the Kitten Board and just spent all day reading this fic...
And finding time to add a couple of your own... busy,busy, busy that's what we like to see. Haven't read your S6 fic as I amone of the unspoiled but loved the other. Besides thanks for wading through this thing of mine. More angst than I think I could stand in a day though!
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
hmmm.. you read me like a fic katharyn!
it was the dance i was looking for...
oh well maybe it'll be in the next one
*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*
The whole party scene presents it's own problems, so many people, so many things going on and generally how often can you say how happy, how in love that they are without getting repetitive. I needed to take those feelings and save them for the ending to keep the impact. That said the dance (though I was going to miss it) I just can't leave it out. It will form the middle of Part 45 which will follow W/T back to their room afterwards. The start of 45 is more general Tara happiness in the company of her new family...
Where I go from there is still in doubt... if anywhere. I may save what would have been Part 46 as Part 1 of "The Middle Bit" AKA I don't have a name yet.
We'll see. Thanks for your support and butt kissing Del.
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
by Sassette » Fri Nov 16, 2001 12:05 am
As for 'What Next': I'd love to see the dance as part of the Beginning Cycle, though I certainly wouldn't complain if you left it for the "Middle That Dare Not Speak Its Name", or went off to merrily play in your Side Step Universe... that has me intrigued.
-Sassette
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