by Zahir » Wed Oct 10, 2001 5:58 pm
And I really liked this one. Its also a nice pre-echoing of What's To Come, don't'cha think?
Out of curiosity, any idea when you'll be getting around to the rest of Side Step?
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
by Brynn » Wed Oct 10, 2001 6:51 pm
by Katharyn » Wed Oct 10, 2001 11:16 pm
Katharyn
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She's my always
by legend » Thu Oct 11, 2001 6:43 am
by Zahir » Thu Oct 11, 2001 8:29 am
I swear I had no plans on your 300th post! Honest! Really! I mean it! STOP LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY!!!!!
Hm. Too much caffeine, maybe...?
Anyway, thanks for taking my tiny bit of feedback with such grace. Please, please, plese feel free to do the same with my own series (that goes for everyone btw).
Of course I'm not a moderator, but methinks the essence of Side Step is W/T so why not post it here? Lord knows we'll want to read it!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
by Katharyn » Thu Oct 11, 2001 11:53 am
Thanks for the comments everyone as well. As usual it amazes me what people actually seem to like compared to what I think is any good! Next part is the final summer story before we get into S5. I suspect it should prove to be a crowd pleaser being as it stars everyone's favourite black and white kitty. Posting Saturday probably - I want to get ahead of myself again, just in case.
Katharyn
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She's my always
by Forrister » Thu Oct 11, 2001 12:21 pm
Congratulations on 300 posts. You have engendered an epic. (And it's far more fun to read than 'War and Peace'.) Keep up the sterling work!
Quod in te est, prome.
(Bring forth what is in you.)
by nika » Fri Oct 12, 2001 12:19 am
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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson
by Katharyn » Fri Oct 12, 2001 1:56 pm
Indulge me and yourselves I've building to Family for so long that the prospect of getting there is quite scary!
Miss Kitty's Part 33 tomorrow.
Katharyn
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She's my always
by Katharyn » Fri Oct 12, 2001 11:35 pm
Katharyn
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Cats, Rats, Horses and Dogs Part 33
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Just stuff up to start of season 5 nothing specific other than reference to “Family” as usual.
Summary: A MKF centred fic, end the summer as we started…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilcho from this story.
Rating: PG13 – It’s a cat!
Couples: W/T, MKF/ADR(?!)
Notes: This originated in the efforts I put into a fanfic challenge which I subsequently gave up on. The MKF stuff was too much fun to throw away though –least I think so. Not totally a W/T fic, but close enough after all the W/T I have thrown your way!
Please note I have played to cliché here and Miss Kitty likes her ball of string. In reality you should not give cat’s balls of string or wool. They can swallow one end and get it tangled in their innards. Take care of your kitty.
Thanks To: Nic who originated the fanfic challenge in question, Ruth who seemed to think it was a good idea. Everyone who failed as I did to create anything. Everyone who managed to beat the challenge. L, my authority on all things kitty related – no smutty jokes there please. Everything that is right about cats is down to her. Everything that is wrong… that’s my ignorance showing. Or my twisted mind. Dogs is me. Horses and rats I just made up – I have irrational fears of both.
The Beginnings Cycle
Cats, Rats, Horses and Dogs
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Ow.’ Willow sighed, sitting wearily in the first chair that presented itself in Tara’s living room – not that it would be hers for long, nearly time to move again. Tara, amused, smiled and Willow seeing this shifted herself and was forced to respond ‘Ow again. Still ow. Ow here. It’s not funny.’
‘Sore love?’ Tara asked the reclining woman.
‘Sore doesn’t begin to describe it. What have you done to me? Again…’ Still it had been fun Willow thought, proud of the fact that she had managed to ride the horse despite her fears – after a few falls – and had actually become quite attached to the mild-mannered beast. Her buttocks and thighs however were not made of the same stern stuff as her pride.
Tara laughed. ‘I don’t remember my first ride – well not the after effects anyway. My mother took me…’ Tara tailed off.
Tara’s mother was one of those subjects that her love was not forthcoming about and Willow had learnt not to press the issue… not because Tara would not talk about it but because invariably she became upset and more often than not a little withdrawn – as if deep in thought. More and more so now towards the end of the vacation when the subject had come up more simply because of Willow staying with her own parents. And Tara – well not doing the same.
‘Still,’ Tara carried on, ‘I can feel the effects. It has been a while.’ She absently rubbed her own thighs. ‘You did enjoy it though?’ She wanted Willow to have enjoyed it. Tara might have promised to keep her safe when she persuaded Willow that an irrational fear of ponies wasn't at all a reason to fear the much bigger and more dangerous (if they wanted to be) horses, but she wanted her to have enjoyed it. For them to be able to share something besides Scoobyage and Wicca.
And each other of course.
‘After the first three falls…yes.’ Willow smiled. Twice hanging off the saddle suspended by an arm or a trapped leg the horse had, knowing something of inexperienced riders, taken advantage of the opportunity to shed the load. The third fall though sent Willow tumbling – at which point Tara had gone to the beast, placed her forehead against it’s own. Said…something and then Marmalade had been far more… cooperative… thereafter. ‘What did you say to that horse? It was amazing. He just became a different animal. I got to quiet like him in a sort of “I’m scared to death but not going to show it” way.’
‘Trade secret love. But it involved a few threats and a few more promises of sugar lumps’ Tara replied, not honestly knowing what it was within her that had always managed to communicate with horses. She could sense humans and she could talk to horses. If you looked at it that was not the right way round. Her mother had been the same – though she knew the interpretation her father had put on those gifts useful, as they had been on a farm. And how close that interpretation was now to being her reality. Which would mean losing Willow – a fate worse than any other part of it. But she couldn’t think about that now. She slapped a mental gag on that part of her brain. She’d had to do that more and more recently. But what they had left would not be spoiled. Not until absolutely necessary. ‘Ready for a shower?’
Willow frowned. ‘I really need a long hot soak. I ache everywhere.’
Tara sighed, resigned herself to a lonelier time than she had been planning on. Seeing this Willow made her an offer though. ‘I don’t think I’ll be able to wash everywhere though maybe you could sort of help.’
Tara smiled and helped her lover to the bathroom. As they passed they checked the long running computer program on Willow’s laptop. ‘Shouldn’t be long now…’ Willow mused looking at the symbols flashing by and they left the room.
Leaving a brown rat frantically spinning a wheel in her cage on another chair whilst a small black and white cat watched the rat intently.
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‘Hey rat.’ Miss Kitty Fantastico mewed. Not that she thought of herself as Miss Kitty Fantastico. That was just plain dumb. No self-respecting cat was going to let some human name it – even the human with the ball of string. Names were just too important. Witches of all people should know that. Miss Kitty’s only problem other problem with her name though was that she didn’t have any better ideas. So Miss Kitty it was and her self-respect went to the dogs.
For now. Eventually that would have to change. Just as soon as she thought of something that was… fierce-er.
‘Hey rat,’ she repeated satisfied that Tara and that other were out of earshot – which wasn't saying much. They must be virtually deaf, humans that was. And even if they had overheard it would just be a load of squeaking, mewing and hisses anyway to the humans. When it came to languages humans were right up there behind insects.
The rat continued to ignore her and with a sigh Miss Kitty stood, stretched herself into an arch and then slowly made her way over to the rat’s cage and climbed on top of it, looking through the bars at the imprisoned rodent. ‘They’ve gone you know. But how would you know? All you do is run on the same spot… It’s enough to drive a cat to veggie snacks.’
‘Amy,’ the rat finally responded, perhaps menaced by Miss Kitty’s proximity.
‘What?’
‘Amy. You know that’s my name… Miss Kitty Fantastico.’
‘Hey watch it ok… Amy.’
As pets and of different species they were not supposed to be communicating. That was an instinctive rule in every human “owned” animal. You didn’t let them see or hear. It was basic “human” sense. You got seen communicating with another “pet” and you got… shown off as cute. Uggh. So they avoided it. Taunted each other when the humans were around, only really got into things when they were gone… or otherwise engaged. Of course the taunting was very real but you couldn’t get much sense out of a human so they were just left with each other. Made for strange conversations. More so with this rat probably. Amy seemed to think she was special. But Miss Kitty didn’t know about that. She’d never seen any other rat and this one was as egotistical as any cat could ever be.
‘What do you want cat?’
Now that was better. Cat. That was a title of dignity as well as descriptive. The reason behind being named Miss Kitty Fantastico had been explained to her by the rat – Amy – who had overheard it all at the time. They couldn’t be bothered to think of anything else. Couldn’t be bothered? Miss Kitty hated the name. It was the sort of name that would get her mocked from one end of the town to the other – once she started getting out more anyway. Even a feline called “Tiddles” could claim superiority over her… and she wasn’t impressed. At all.
The most important decision they would ever make about her and they couldn’t be bothered. Humans… they probably thought it was cute too. Cute. Uggh. There was a load of fights in the future to live that name down.
‘What’s a horse?’ Miss Kitty asked.
‘You are dumb aren’t you Miss Kitty?’ the rat asked, taunting – knowing that firstly Miss Kitty wanted to know so she would have to accept what she said and second the cage was far too tricky for the cat to open without an opposable thumb. Amy remembered thumbs. She missed thumbs… though her tail was pretty nifty instead.
Ever since Miss Kitty had arrived with Tara and Willow had brought Amy round in her cage, the rat had been taunting the cat about her name. And not just her name. Her diminutive size and the fact that she just never seemed to grow up. Most cats outgrew their kitten-hood quicker than this. So the rat said anyway for what that was worth. Miss Kitty had been stuck. Maybe it was one of those weird causality loops. Miss Kitty had heard of those from a black warlock’s cat that had been at the vet’s last time she went for her shots. They sounded interesting but she doubted that it was actually the case. She wasn’t stuck going round and round in time – she was just stuck. And it was damn frustrating. A cat was supposed to have needs. She wanted needs. Needs sounded great. And bits too.
Course she wouldn’t necessarily know if she was caught in a causality loop. Perhaps she had done this all before... That hairball she had sicked up last night looked awful familiar…
But it wasn't all one-way traffic. It had taken Miss Kitty all of about two days in the rats company to find out Amy’s own weaknesses. The first was that she was called Amy. Now there was a stupid name. And why did it have a stupid name? Because it had been a human once. A long time ago. Longer than Miss Kitty could think of. For a cat time was measured in terms of your own life. What went before that was too long ago to bother with. And of course once you were gone then the world went with you. Which was a shame, but a totally consistent with cat psychology – so it must be true.
And being a human, well that obviously made Amy marginally less intelligent than a dog – and a lot less knowledgeable. At least at first. The rat seemed to be learning now she had someone to talk to. And learning fast. The rat had a passing knowledge of witchcraft which was useful enough to figure out when they should duck and cover during some particularly spells. Not enough it seemed though to avoid getting herself stuck in the form of a rat – which was after all a small step towards catlike perfection – and a damn sight better, in Miss Kitty’s eyes, than the lumbering human form. As much pleasure as Tara seemed to take in it. The way the one with the string rubbed up against the much dimmer, in Miss Kitty’s biased point of view, Willow was almost catlike sometimes. Perhaps there was a cat inside her trying to get out.
The rat had been getting away with a lot in the past due to sheer size. For so long the rat had simply being bigger than her – or at least seemed that way to a small cat that wasn't growing very fast at all. Okay Amy wasn’t a predator of Miss Kitty’s class and she was handicapped by the obvious problem of having once been a human, but size mattered. Least that was what the more mature cats at the vets had told her… a knowing glint in their eyes.
Well if size mattered then this Kitty wanted to grow, and it seemed increasingly obvious that the best way to do that was to eat hearty. Or at least eat Amy. The predator within told her that was an ideal way to grow. It would shut the rat up too. Dream on… At least for now. Taking on the rat now would still be a test. Of course Miss Kitty knew that she could take the rat but not without trouble… and a scolding from Tara. Possibly with a withdrawal of string privileges which was not a fair trade. Besides much as she wanted the rat to shut up sometimes, at others it was a struggle to get it to speak up. Sometimes the rat was downright broody.
‘Just tell me what a horse is.’
‘OK. You know dogs? You do know dogs don’t you?’ Amy asked scathingly rubbing her experience as a human in again. She knew that the cat seemed to look up to her and she would have loved to be a role model to the small cat but they were instinctive enemies. Actually, Amy thought, rats were instinctive enemies of just about everything including most other rats. Still Miss Kitty was not always looking up at her because she wanted to rip her limb from limb and deliver her tail to Tara’s pillow. Which was a plus because the cat was smart. Amy knew that. She put her own smarts down to remembering, at some level, being human. What was the cat’s excuse?
‘Yeah I know dogs.’ One day the rat would have outlived her usefulness the predator within told Miss Kitty’s consciousness. Yeah but who would I talk to? The predator had no answer to that.
‘Same thing but taller than a human. And they don’t chase their tails.’
‘Not so dumb then?’
‘No. Horses are ok. Humans ride them. They put a saddle on their back to do it… like a chair… and it hurts to sit in it too long that’s why Willow was sore,’ Amy offered the information as a gift. Maybe even a parting gift. The computer program looked to be going well. She wouldn’t be a rat for too much longer. Then the cat would know about it if it wasn't nice to her now. Ah heck, the cat was going to know about it anyway.
Miss Kitty though was appalled. Dogs as high as humans with a chair on their back and a human in the chair. But not so dumb… you’d have to be pretty dumb to agree to that. ‘What do the horses think of that?’ Miss Kitty asked.
‘I don’t know I never got chance to ask one.’
‘Never been on one?’ Miss Kitty hoped not. She didn’t think it sounded a very good idea. Though the idea of the rat in pain had a certain appeal at a very basic level. Even back when she was human.
‘Yeah… I’ve been on one. Lots of times,’ Amy lied. ‘Lots and lots… and I will again when I’m back as a human.’ There was no way that she was ever going to admit to the cat that she had led anything other than a wonderful life as a human – even if the cat clearly suspected she secretly liked being a rat too.
Miss Kitty sneezed as she often did when she was trying to snort. The rat literally didn’t smell right. ‘Never happen Amy. You’re a rat now. Not a human. Live with it.’ Miss Kitty actually didn’t get it – why Amy would want to be human anyway. It boggled her mind that anything would want to plod around on two legs when they were so obviously designed for four. Except Tara whose adaptation to walking upright had facilitated the juggling of balls of string.
‘Nope. I got faith in Willow.’
If Miss Kitty could have laughed she would have done. ‘Willow? You have faith in Willow?’ Instead the laughter manifested as a faint hiss.
‘Yeah. Why not? She’s looked after me for ages now. I’m not sure how long but it seems a long time. I think time moves faster when you’re a rat. And she’s tried to turn me back lots of times,’ Amy was grateful for all of that. Those first minutes after she had escaped from the mob as a rat she had not been in full control. The rat had been running the show. If Willow hadn’t found her she’d have been in the sewers with other rats. No doubt with about a million descendants by now which were way too many birthdays to remember. Besides could she be sure she would ever have found the right rat for her? And what about a wheel?
Miss Kitty just looked down at the rat. ‘Tried…’ she finally mewed. ‘That Willow is hopeless. I mean ok she feeds me sometimes when Tara isn’t here but she hasn’t actually turned you back has she?’
‘Well yes, she did… once…for a second,’ Amy pointed out.
‘Yeah, you said last time we had this conversation. That is your big bit of evidence. That is what gives you hope. And what happened then?’ Miss Kitty asked rhetorically.
The rat answered anyway. ‘She turned me back…’
‘Into a rat. Which you still are. And why?’
‘She didn’t notice me,’ Amy confirmed, knowing Miss Kitty already knew all this.
‘And you were there… human in her room and she didn’t notice,’ Miss Kitty pointed out. Neither the rat or herself would ever miss something like that. It was an innate sense that humans seemed to lack. They lacked so much. All for a thumb. It seemed a dodgy trade off to Miss Kitty.
‘Well – she had stuff on her mind. Human stuff. You wouldn’t understand.’
‘Maybe not. But you’re still a rat,’ Fish, naps and balls of string. She’d won that one.
‘Not for long though. I can read the symbols on the screen – if I get high enough up the wheel…’ Amy admitted.
‘That’s why you’ve been running round and round?’
‘Yeah.’ That was a lie. Amy loved her wheel. It was a pretty simple pleasure but had anything as a human ever been better than running round that wheel? Nope. And there was no way that her thighs could be anything other than perfect once she got changed back. Course she’d probably have arms like a javelin thrower too.
‘That is really, really dumb. That’s dog dumb,’ Miss Kitty told her and there was no greater condemnation than that for either of them.
‘Ok Miss Kitty Fantastico,’ Amy taunted and the cat hissed at her, ‘what would you do?’
‘Well you’re a rat. Climb up the cage and just hang on.’ It seemed perfectly obvious to Miss Kitty but then she too was a climber. Humans didn’t seem to be. Only a rat that had been human would run around on a wheel – going nowhere – for hours to watch a screen when it could just climb up. ‘Dog dumb,’ Miss Kitty repeated as Amy tried it.
‘Thanks,’ Amy told the cat grudgingly. And now she would have to find another reason to run the wheel. Damn.
‘A pleasure… besides that wheel squeaks whilst I am trying to nap.’ The rat gave her a look that might have been sceptical if her face had been capable of it. ‘What do you expect?’ Miss Kitty asked. ‘I’m a cat.’
‘Then why are you talking to me. I’m a rat and you know what cats and rats are supposed to be like.’
‘You pass the time between naps, food and playtime.’ That was true enough. Willow was ok too. She would pass the time too and Miss Kitty would make a great play of appreciating that but there was only one entity that she truly appreciated besides herself. And that person had brought her the ball of string. Now that was a motivation. Dogs and rats – they just followed the food. Dogs would follow a kind word. What sort of way was that to exist? Cats though… cats knew that they were perfectly capable of getting their own food – tastier too usually – so they could afford to be frugal with their appreciation and affections.
Maybe two entities. The rat had something going for her as well.
‘Thanks.’ Amy could rely on the cat to be nothing if not blindingly honest. Cats, she guessed, made no bones about what they were and what they thought. No one expected anything of a rat, but cats were like dogs – though she would never dare say that to Miss Kitty – humans expected things of them. She knew she’d been human and she’d had a cat. Course what humans expected of cats was rarely what they got – and they never seemed to care. A dog that bit a human was at best going to be muzzled. A cat? A cat could cause general mayhem, destroy furniture and bite and scratch anything and anyone it wanted and remain cute. And no one expected anything of a rat. Hence the damn cage.
How big could her wheel be if she wasn't in this cage? Wow… there was a thought.
‘Why do you want to be human anyway?’ Miss Kitty asked. It was a new question. Maybe Willow and Tara would get it right this time – if only because Tara was helping Willow and that had to improve the chances – a lot. After all Tara kept the ball of string and that, in Miss Kitty’s estimation, said everything there was to say about her. Human perfection.
‘I miss things.’
‘What?’
‘Thumbs,’ Amy replied thinking back a little.
‘Thumbs are overrated. What else?’ Thumbs were overrated. But Miss Kitty appreciated the role they had in opening the cage. Gimme an opposable claw for five minute said the predator within.
‘People.’
‘People are definitely overrated. You know that,’ Miss Kitty reminded the rat.
‘Yeah,’ Amy had to agree with that. Life was much… well simpler… as a rat.
Part of the rat wanted burgers, brownies and boys. The other part of Amy wanted as many chocolate nibbles as she could eat a bigger wheel and another rat. Preferably one with bits but she was getting that desperate that even Miss Kitty was starting to look good to her. Bits or no. It was a rat biological imperative, mixed with a healthy human sex drive. Ugggh, don’t start looking at the cat like that, she told herself.
She had to get de-rated and soon.
But really why? Where was the advantage? Maybe the cat was right about it all.
They both turned their attention to the computer screen. The rat, in it’s cage, Miss Kitty cursed the metal bars one more, was just about on a level with the screen now she had climbed those bars and Miss Kitty was still perched atop the cage. She liked to think that the rat appreciated the proximity of her own mortality being there. She could do a serious wound from right here. But she would wait. How long could evolution take? She’d come so far in just a few months that an opposable claw had to be on the horizon soon. Then the rat was hers. Or so said the predator within.
The screen featured a number of rapidly strobing symbols. It appeared that the red-headed interloper in Miss Kitty’s home had put together a program to analyse some ancient text – even a young cat could figure that out. Amy the rat and her know-all attitude had filled in the rest. The symbols flashed from the scanned text to a parallel bar of comparative boxes. And from there, when a match was found, into the translation section. It was sophisticated even for a human and it seemed to be doing the trick. The rat seemed happy anyway. Well if not happy… satisfied.
And if the rat was changed back into a human? Payback time… and not for Miss Kitty. Besides… she’d miss the company. The rat was ok. For a rodent. She had interesting perspectives on things and Miss Kitty knew she wouldn’t have half her smarts without the rat to talk to. There was animal cunning, there was intelligence and then there was the inside scoop on humans and their world.
If Miss Kitty had known anything about psychology she would have realised that the rat was a fascinating case. Amy would have been the subject of a debate that could rage and rage. The rat wanted what it had used to have - fair enough. It wanted what it couldn’t give itself. And it wanted to be left alone to get on with it’s vastly more interesting life safe from being whizzed back into human form. Miss Kitty knew the rat had doubts about being human again, but just opposing Miss Kitty gave Amy a reason for not wanting to stay on in her current form. Some things were never satisfied.
The predator part of Miss Kitty would be satisfied with five minutes alone with the rat without the benefit of it’s cage. She’d even leave a bit for Tara. After all Tara was all that was good about humans. She did feed Miss Kitty and give her some other scrummy treats along with it and Miss Kitty hated to admit it but it was all true - the one that held the ball of string was the one that you gave the choicest portions of your prey to. It was only right and proper. Miss Kitty wasn’t big on obedience – as was the nature of her species – but Tara was the only human in this entire reality that she could actually stand. Oh sure she would rub up against any of the visitors, of which red Willow was one, but she’d turn on them, nip and scratch at the slightest provocation. Though she hadn’t done that for a while. And she hated the reason why…
They were infectious these humans. You got to… like them. You started to… rub against them and generally play the cute pet role because you wanted to, not because it was to your advantage. And if Amy was de-ratted then… then she might treat me like that too… ugggh. And it wouldn’t be the same without her…
‘You don’t want to be human do you? Really?’ Miss Kitty asked once more.
‘I don’t know,’ the rat admitted and she really didn’t. What was the biggest reason for being human? Because this damned cat didn’t think she should want to. Species rivalry taken to stupid extremes. It was almost human.
The screen had stopped blinking. It seemed to have finished and that meant that Amy was in danger of imminent human status. Decision time.
‘Time for an answer Amy,’ Miss Kitty observed, knowing that she would have to be the one who came to the rescue.
Once again the cat pointed out the blindingly obvious in it’s oh-so-superior way. But if Amy was honest that had probably been picked up from her – at least some of it. She was a rat. Two years ago that would have meant a call to an exterminator. Now she had a different perspective. ‘Not yet no. Willow’s getting me a new wheel next week. Willow said.’
‘Big deal – wheel. I mean what can you do with a wheel? Tara still gives me the ball of string. You can do far more with string.’ This was getting them nowhere. It was time for action. ‘Want me to take care of it?’
‘Yeah,’ the rat said. ‘Go on then.’ She said it grudgingly as if she was sticking around for the cat rather than for herself.
Miss Kitty had the decency to wait a while for her friend… yes “her friend ok” she told the predator within… to change her mind. Amy didn’t.
Miss Kitty had a shrewd idea of what to do. Ok so getting the machine to work for her was out of the question so far, but gimme a month or so, but she had a plan. She’d been developing it for a couple of days. Watching the screen carefully when she was supposed to be napping. Watching what that Willow did. She was going to make a change to the results.
She’d already tried turning it off during a lucky landing but they just restarted the machine up and carried on. But this time Miss Kitty was sure it would work. It was a species thing.
‘You know what you’re going to do cat?’ Amy asked.
‘Sure… just a leap to the desk, land and hit a few buttons, make a few changes. They’ll never even know.’ Miss Kitty did her best to sound confident after all what was a cat without confidence? Stuck up a tree that was what and how embarrassing would that be?
Miss Kitty leapt from the cage to the table. It was precisely calculated. She knew how she would land. She even showed off a bit to the rat. She made complicated and lets face it offensive gestures with her paws (least if you were a cat) as she flew and the then recalculated her landing and hit bang on the keyboard, paws carefully placed.
She was in. The symbols came up with a flashing line she knew was going to let her do this. Cause and effect. Cause and effect. The cause was she liked the rat. The effect was that the rat would stay. Least until Miss Kitty got into that cage the predator told her.
‘You’re sure you know what you are doing?’ the rat squeaked at her, suddenly nervous, realising that a cat, barely more than a kitten was about to mess with a spell that was going to be cast on her by a couple of witches who were no strangers to spells going badly.
‘I’m a cat. We always know where to put our feet,’ Miss Kitty reassured the rat then she hit a certain key and changed a tiny part of the translation that filtered through. She had no idea what the human gibberish was that scrolled down the right hand side of the screen but she was certain that it would not now de-rat Amy.
Fancy asking a cat if she knew where she was putting her paws.
So she leapt once more for the top of the cage.
And missed.
It didn’t fill Amy with confidence as Miss Kitty slunk back to the chair and settled down for a nap.
Oh dear. Time to worry.
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Willow looked at the result of their long and complex spell-casting not to mention forty-eight hours of processing on the laptop to read that damned ancient scroll. My how useful it had proved. Not many people could say that they had changed a rat that had once been human into this…
‘General reversal spell?’ she asked Tara.
‘We need to get Amy back to being, you know, a rat. Worry about the rest later,’ Tara replied.
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‘So that was a horse?’ Miss Kitty asked Amy the now-a-rat-once-more.
‘Yeah.’
‘Sorry.’ Miss Kitty knew that cat’s were supposed to never apologise – for anything but there had to be exceptions. Damned human influence.
‘Do me a favour. Next time don’t. Just don’t.’
‘Ok. Big though wasn’t it. Imagine the bits that fulfil horses needs.’
Wow thought Amy. She hadn’t considered that before standing still to be changed back. Bits like a horse. Wow.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 13, 2001).]
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I enjoyed this little sojourn with Amy and Miss Kitty. I have to ask - was that naughty thought fairy sitting on your shoulder when you wrote this or am I just getting an overdeveloped sense of kinky subtext?
Well done!
Noli equi dentes inspicere donati.
(Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.)
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I'll just say this to answer your question. Amy has been stuck as a rat for over a year. No boys, no other rats, no nothing. That would start to get to anyone and as for Miss Kitty, she doesn't even know what bits are, just hearing what the grown up Kitty's say at the vets.
Katharyn
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She's my always
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Parva tortus capiunt animos.
(Small things capture twisted minds).
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kris
Um ... eat a lot of apple sauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians. - Amber
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 14, 2001).]
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
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Katharyn
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She's my always
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Oh yeah and the next part will definitely be posted tonight. Angst city... I am depressing myself again.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
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And There is never such a thing as gratuitous love scenes between W/T, bathtub fun please?
And I beg to differ with Forrister I love horses they're strong and noble and tons of fun when you get along with them.
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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson
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The Beginnings Cycle
Musings, Wangling and Secrets
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Goodnight love.’
‘Goodnight honey.’
Click. The light went out.
It didn’t take five minutes for it to come back on again. Five minutes where there was no sign that either of them were thinking of sleep, snuggling or anything else. Maybe it was Dracula being on the Scooby patch. That was something different.
Or not. Maybe there were just things on minds.
Click.
‘I have to tell you something,’ Willow admitted, sounding a little sheepish, as Tara looked over at her. ‘Actually I haven’t to tell you anything.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘No I mean I have something I could tell you. But I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t and I won’t,’ Willow said, filled with guilt at having a secret and not doing very with it at all. First Xander, now Tara. It kept whispering and trying to slip out.
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘That doesn’t bother you, that I have a secret that I haven’t told you?’
‘No honey. It’s a secret. Turn the light out.’ Secrets were for keeping.
‘Well it bothers me, I hate it when we have to hide things and have secrets,’ Willow said.
Oh… thought Tara… no. Not a conversation that she wanted to have.
‘We shouldn’t have to hide things, and I don’t want to hide things. Actually it is not “things” plural it is more a thing – like singular. One thing. Just one. I promise. But I am still hiding it because I promised I would hide it and now that I promised I have to hide it, for as long as it has to stay hidden. Okay?’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘But I don’t want to hide it. Even though it is a hidden thing I don’t want to hide it. Not from you. From other people it should be hidden, it deserves to be hidden, but not from you. I don’t want to hide things from you. And I don’t want to hide the fact that I don’t want to hide things from you, even though I do have something hidden – but only because I was asked to hide it.’
‘So it is a secret? And you can’t tell me?’ Tara asked.
‘Yes. I mean no. I can’t. But I want to.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’ Tara understood all about secrets.
Click.
There was no way that Tara was going to get into that… not now. Not the whole secret thing. Not when she had one of her own to hide. And what a whopper. Better to hide things with the light out where you couldn’t look into each others eyes and read their soul. Or have it read.
Least she still had a soul. For now.
Click
‘Tara, do you think that the rain yesterday was my fault?’ Willow asked, looking at the ceiling and remembering the near instant downpour that had followed her lighting of the fire. Tara would lose her deposit if that happened indoors. It had also been a near miss with Amy-da-horse. A few seconds later with that general reversal spell and the carpet…
Tara was also looking up at the ceiling. Perhaps they had a shared vision. ‘I think it probably was, you know, something to do with it. A little. Maybe.’ What else could she say to that question? There hadn’t been a cloud in the sky for miles. She had actually looked and said to herself there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Then it rained. Hard. On them. Just them. It had been kind of like a cartoon and funny at the time. Until you thought of what it meant. Might mean.
‘Yeah,’ Willow admitted. ‘But I was in control, I was balancing the elements. I know I was. I thought to myself “you have to balance the elements.”’ So what had gone wrong?
‘That isn’t enough baby. Just to know the problems,’ Tara told her lover. ‘You have to do something about them too. Otherwise you just know what is going to happen without trying to stop it.’ How ultimately true that would prove to be? But what could she do?
‘I did. I told myself that was the problem and I tried to balance it out. Guess I didn’t do so well.’ A small and localised thunderstorm wasn’t exactly top a top-notch balancing act when all you were trying to do was light a fire. With balance like that you could fall over sitting still in a chair.
‘Did you? You know, balance it? Really?’ Tara had concerns… little concerns. Had even before yesterday.
‘Yes… well I tried,’ Willow replied.
‘Perhaps you just actualised the problem. Perhaps you were so concerned about the side effects that you sort of caused them to happen. Even in magic wishing things doesn’t make them so.’ Isn’t that the truth. ‘Not like “poof” sort of magic. There are reactions.’ Always…
‘Perhaps…’ Willow wasn't certain about that. She was pretty sure that she had tried to get it right. Actually she had been worrying about a hurricane so a small storm was kind of a step up from that. Or down. Away anyway. Still it was good to know that it was a possibility – should she ever need one.
‘Some things just don’t work as you want them to,’ Tara continued, her mind not one hundred percent with the conversation. Part of it was elsewhere where the words were the same if not the topic. ‘Sometimes things just happen despite what you want.’
Tara was quiet then and Willow had the strangest feeling that she they hadn’t necessarily been talking about the same thing. At least not totally. Tara continued to stare at the ceiling, not even leaning in for a snuggle or a kiss. Willow was going to say something but then decided not to.
‘Goodnight baby,’ she said to Tara.
It took Tara long, long seconds to come up with an answer to that simple thing. I’m her baby and she’s my honey. How long now? Things were bubbling under inside her. So much had happened. Inconsequential things. Things that she would not have thought about twice even a week ago. But now. Now everything was about to change again.
She was going to have to move in somewhere else. The last somewhere else before she went back home. And still without Willow. Not far away. Just down the hall infact, but… At one point at the end of last year she had wanted to share with Willow – dreamed that she could do. Willow had wanted to share with her. Officially like, rather than just spending most nights and days together anyway. But they weren’t doing it. They could. They were ready. They were committed to each other. But they weren’t actually doing it… Another thing she would never have the chance to know. Things like that were starting to mount up and get counted. And regretted.
It had never been raised as an issue, the moving in together, but Tara knew she had caused it. Things had intruded. She had thought about it. She was just being practical. If she shared with Willow then she would be leaving Willow in the lurch financially – and at a time when she didn’t want to make it any harder. Not one jot harder. Because stuff was going to be hard enough for Willow.
Stuff. That’s good. I can, she mused, refer to the imminent end of my humanity as stuff. But there was other stuff too…
‘Goodnight my love.’
Click.
The room dropped into darkness again. But neither of them moved once more. Still thinking.
Click.
The light came back on. This time it was Tara who was responsible for turning it on. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Willow just waited for her to say what was on her mind.
‘Did you really find Dracula, you know, sexy?’ Tara finally asked but that wasn't the question she had wanted to ask.
‘I told you… no.’ Willow said.
‘You don’t have to tell me the same thing you told the others. You have to let them think that you are gay lesbo gal, because anything else might be… confusing,’ Tara told her. ‘But I don’t, you know, need to hear that. You don’t confuse me love.’
‘You think I pretend to be gay?’ Willow asked her, taken aback by even the possibility that Tara could think that – or worry about it.
‘Oh no. No!’ Tara paused. ‘No.’ That was not what Tara meant at all though she knew what it had sounded like. That would teach her to avoid the question. She may as well have just come out and asked Willow if she was bi-sexual – but that wasn't the question either, just what it had sounded like. ‘I just mean that – I mean… Well I am just curious.’
‘About me and Dracula? There is nothing going on there. We’re just good friends, in the kind of “I see him and run away” way.’ Willow tried to joke and move past the question.
‘Did you find him sexy?’ Tara repeated quietly.
‘Yes Okay. But he is a Dark Prince. You read the same things I did about him. His powers,’ Willow told Tara, not at all convinced this was the jealousy thing that she had first taken it for. Something else was at work here. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ Nothing that I can tell you love. Nothing that you might think it is. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I can ever admit to you without breaking both our hearts. ‘Like I said. I am just curious.’
‘About who I find sexy?’ Willow asked.
‘Yes.’
‘You love. Just you,’ and it was true.
‘But I’m not all. You just admitted that. People, all people, find lots of other people sexy,’ Tara told her.
‘Like you and the Three Sisters,’ Willow joked referring once more to their research.
‘Like me and the Three Sisters.’ Tara played along with the humour. There had been something about the descriptions of them… But she only let herself be distracted for a second. It was all that she could manage right now. ‘But you have found…men… sexy before…’ Tara trailed off.
‘Yes.’
‘Xander, Oz, even Mr Giles, and others.’
‘Yes,’ Willow repeated.
Tara just lay there for a minute, unable to find an unambiguous was to say what it was that she wanted to. That she thought she should say. Bearing in mind the future. Unambiguous but not alarming either.
‘You’re worried that I might find a man sexier than you love?’ Willow asked, guessing.
Wrongly guessing as it turned out. But Tara didn’t even have time to respond before Willow moved to reassure her.
‘It’ll never happen love. There is no one sexier than you. And what is sexy anyway? That’s just eye candy. There is no one I could ever love more. No one I have found sexier or loved more than you. You’re my everything. Everything I ever want. Everything I ever need. Just everything. You know that. Don’t you?’ Willow was a little concerned now. This was so unlike Tara that it was like being here with someone else. It was like being here with the Tara she had first fallen in love with – the shy Tara. The one lacking in self-confidence and doubting her own worth. And that Tara had not put in an appearance for a long time now. Whilst it might be nice to have her visit she preferred her Tara.
‘I know that. I’m not worried about that at all. I’m not really worried about anything.’ Anything about Willow’s love anyway. ‘I’m just, you know, curious. I know you love me, never feel that I doubt you. You show me that you find me sexy as often as I could ever need you to. I was just curious what you felt about other people. Just curious,’ Tara promised her. She had far bigger concerns creeping up on her with all the stealth of a rhinoceros running around in big room full of noisy stuff than jealousy or any stupid doubt about Willow’s sexuality. She knew Willow. There was no doubt.
‘So why now?’
‘Huh?’
‘Why,’ Willow asked, ‘are you curious now?’ Something was really getting to Tara. Something… else. It wasn't so late but her love had a lecture in the morning to go to – and she never missed. And she hated to be tired at them… determined to make the best of her opportunities. “Whilst I have them,” Tara had said once. Good attitude but it had sounded sort of resigned. So what had caused her to ask that question now when they should be snuggled up and falling asleep? Perhaps I just took her away from sleepiness, Willow rationalised.
‘No reason,’ and that was a lie. Tara hated herself for it. But what could she say? She couldn’t tell Willow what was going on in her head… not fully anyway. But as Willow had said it wasn't right to keep secrets either…
‘Tara…’ It was a request and Willow knew she sounded suitably hurt to get the truth from her love. She knew that Tara was hiding something from her, but figured that if Tara had let her see and hear that there was something then it wasn't like she was really trying to hide it so she didn’t have to be afraid – or really hurt. Perhaps Tara needed her to wangle it out of her… like she had felt about her Giles secret. Perhaps the secret inside Tara was whispering to her too.
‘I just worry about you love.’
Oh my. That was not the answer Willow had been expecting at all. What sort of reason started like that? Not a happy one. Not one you could laugh off. One that was undeniably true though. ‘Worry? About me… why?’
‘Things happen,’ Tara told her. ‘Things happen all the time.’ Though she had only one thing in her mind. What else?
‘Things?’ Willow asked.
‘Things. Anything. Nothing in particular. Just things, you know?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ And Willow did know. Things did happen. Things like falling in love with the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman in the world. She told Tara that.
Tara closed her eyes to hold back the beginnings of what might have become tears. She wasn't about to let Willow see that because she had to agree with that one – at least in reverse. But that was the whole problem wasn't it? What would happen to her beautiful sexy woman… after another “thing” had happened. A “thing” that couldn’t help but change everything. Ruin everything that they had. Everything that they could have had. Taken away the present, future and certainty. Left them both alone with just a shared past. Left Willow alone again…
No not quite alone.
Willow had friends. Good friends who would help her through it. Tara trusted them to do that – even after what Willow had suggested she had felt the last time. With Oz. But Tara knew they would help her – they were all closer now than they had been then. She wasn't so afraid for Willow because of worrying how she would get through it. And she would eventually get through it. She was a strong woman with good friends.
I wonder if I will even have the ability to care whether she does or not, Tara asked herself.
Maybe it would be better not to have that feeling… when it has happened. To be haunted and plagued by it. But her concerns were not for herself. Not yet.
‘Other things than that. Bad things. Things that separate people even when they don’t want them to. Especially when they don’t want them to. Things you can’t stop.’ Was that too much? Tara asked herself.
And Willow got it. ‘You mean like your mother?’ she asked.
Oh by the goddess… she couldn’t guess. She couldn’t know. But could Willow have guessed? Not already…
‘When she died you lost her and you couldn’t do anything about it.’ Willow told her love that and was gratified to see Tara let her breath go as if she had been holding it in.
Willow thought she had it. But though she was wrong it would suffice. It wasn't a lie unless you actually told it and she didn’t want to lie to Willow anymore tonight. Not unless she had to hide the painful reality. So she stayed silent.
‘I’m not going anywhere love. I’m not sick. You’re not sick. Neither of us is going anywhere. We’re in love.’ Willow just had a dreadful thought based on what had brought them to this point. This wasn't about her leaving Tara alone. It was about Tara leaving her alone. ‘You’re not sick?’ A question this time. A plea. ‘Are you?’
‘No love. I’m not sick.’ I’m just going to turn into a filthy demon and have to leave you forever. To protect you from what I will be then. Even though I will still love you. To protect the world. Even though I don’t give a fig about the world right now. Just you. ‘I’m fine.’ All that accepted, it was just curiosity. A desire to know. And for Willow to know something too.
‘Then… are you afraid of something happening whilst we are helping out Buffy?’ Willow asked, following the logical roots of this concern that was blighting Tara.
‘No. That’s not it – though I do worry about you when you are out there. But I trust you to come back to me. I trust you all to look out for each other and make sure nothing happens – to any of you.’
‘Then…?’ Willow asked
‘Things do happen love. Even when we don’t want them to.’ Let Willow think she was still talking about her mother if she liked. Maybe in some ways she was, but her mother had been married even before the demon came for her. She had already found her love and was able to keep him – because he already knew. I won’t even have that. Could I have it? If I were to tell this loving woman? No… that was not an option. ‘And I just want you to be happy if it ever does. That’s all. I just wondered what sort of person it would be with…’ Goddess that was depressing. ‘Just please don’t tell me you know who with exactly,’ Tara forced the joke to try to lighten the mood once more and alleviate Willow’s obvious fears.
‘There is no one else for me. Just you,’ Willow told her firmly. ‘No one.’
That was not what Tara wanted to hear. Maybe if she didn’t have this demon shaped monkey on her back then those might be the perfect words but not now. She knew Willow loved her. She wanted to know that Willow knew that she could, one day, love someone else. With her blessing. She didn’t want Willow to be alone. She didn’t want to have this conversation again or else Willow would know something more was wrong. Tara needed to know. She needed Willow to know that now so that when it did happen then her flame haired love would understand what she had meant… and maybe then she could get on and be happy in the future. Willow had to be happy.
Even if it can’t be with me.
Or it was all for nothing unless Willow could be happy. The self-sacrifice was all for Willow. Damn the world. It was just for Willow.
‘If it came to it love, then there has to be.’ I don’t want you to be alone. I will handle the loneliness for both of us. Tara finally looked at Willow and found her looking right back at her. Tara had looked to convince Willow that she meant it, but instead all she found was that she was frightening her love with what Willow assumed to be morbid talk. It was good that Willow thought that only death could separate them.
But Tara knew better.
But she also knew that she could not press the point. It was not fair. It was not right. On either of them. On the time they had left. They had to make the best that they could of that. This wasn't helping. This could very easily make things harder.
‘I just want you to know. I mean this is a dangerous town… where bad things happen… that if anything, you know, happened… too me… then you have to be h-happy. With whoever that is. You just have to be happy. That’s all that will matter. Just remember that love – if it ever did. Happen I mean.’ Tara could see that it was now Willow who was approaching tears and Tara could not bear that. So she lied again. She had to.
She leaned in and placed a kiss on Willow’s lips. ‘But nothing will happen love. You’re right I was just thinking about my mother… you know what that does to me.’ That at least was true.
The tears did not start to flow from Willow’s eyes and Tara was glad of that. Sealed with a kiss perhaps. So glad that she was able to avoid reaction to Willow’s next statement.
‘And if anything happens to me. Then the same. For you,’ Willow told Tara with a fervour borne of her emotions.
Tara smiled. She could smile. It was a promise that she would never have to make good on – even if she wanted to. Which she didn’t. Everything Willow had told her about being the only one… it was all true the other way too.
‘Let’s just see that nothing happens,’ Willow continued.
Tara nodded at her and pulled her close into a clinch that would not break until morning and gave Willow another kiss.
How can I let this woman go? Tara asked herself that for the thousandth time. Was there an option? Was there a choice? Was there a way to beat her future? Should she even try? Those were questions she had avoided… not asked so much.
But how can I let this woman go if I don’t at least try?
The light went out again but holding each other it didn’t seem to be a dark place. It never did. Willow’s voice spoke out of the shadows. ‘Bet you can’t wangle my secret out of me.’
Live for the moment and all…
‘Bet?’ Sealed with more than a kiss then.
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Endnote: The first person who read this sort of went “huh?” part way through. Just to be clear Tara in this fic is not questioning Willow’s sexuality. (Nor am I!) It’s just another of those badly worded questions that people sometimes ask. Personally I am of the opinion that this is a non-issue - even in “Tough Love” Tara is not questioning this – she just gets angry and sidetracked in response to Willow’s own anger and evasion of Tara's concerns about magic in that episode. Unfortunately I feel that I have to put this sort of note on because I don’t trust my language skills to get it across in the fic as clearly as I can here and do not want to give any hint of the wrong impression. It would spoil the mood I am trying to build.
K.
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She's my always
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Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
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I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
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I enjoyed this little sojourn with Amy and Miss Kitty. I have to ask - was that naughty thought fairy sitting on your shoulder when you wrote this or am I just getting an overdeveloped sense of kinky subtext?
Well done!
Noli equi dentes inspicere donati.
(Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.)
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posted October 13, 2001 06:55 Funny, I agree with you totally on the subject of horses. The front end bites, the back end kicks and the middle bit goes up and down at inopportune moments.I enjoyed this little sojourn with Amy and Miss Kitty. I have to ask - was that naughty thought fairy sitting on your shoulder when you wrote this or am I just getting an overdeveloped sense of kinky subtext?
Well done!
Noli equi dentes inspicere donati.
(Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.)
I'll just say this to answer your question. Amy has been stuck as a rat for over a year. No boys, no other rats, no nothing. That would start to get to anyone and as for Miss Kitty, she doesn't even know what bits are, just hearing what the grown up Kitty's say at the vets.
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted October 13, 2001 07:46 Hey Kerry,I'll just say this to answer your question. Amy has been stuck as a rat for over a year. No boys, no other rats, no nothing. That would start to get to anyone and as for Miss Kitty, she doesn't even know what bits are, just hearing what the grown up Kitty's say at the vets.
Katharyn
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She's my always
Parva tortus capiunt animos.
(Small things capture twisted minds).
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posted October 13, 2001 15:38 So, what you're actually saying is that I've got a sick, perverted mind. Ok, that's a fair cop and I'll wear it.
Parva tortus capiunt animos.
(Small things capture twisted minds).
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kris
Um ... eat a lot of apple sauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians. - Amber
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posted October 14, 2001 09:45 Thanks Katharyn. Interesting chapter. I was hoping for more on the Willow & Tara soaking /washing in the tub scene (cause that's a fav)so you know where my mind is at these days!------------------
kris
Um ... eat a lot of apple sauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians. - Amber
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 14, 2001).]
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posted October 14, 2001 10:27 Actually there was several thousand words written of tub and post-tub fun which was originally connected to the starting after-riding scene but it was, if I am honest, gratuitus and serving no other purpose than for the "fun" itself!Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 14, 2001).]
IP: LoggedZahirGay Now! ------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
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posted October 14, 2001 18:50 Oh, that really was too funny. I liked it. Lots!------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted October 15, 2001 13:45 Part, well whatever the number is - the next one anyway, will be posted probably tomorrow, maybe Wednesday - depends how much my return to work after 3 weeks knackers me!Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted October 15, 2001 13:48 well... one could define "explorative piece" as something smutty hein? *wink wink* IP: Logged
posted October 15, 2001 17:28 Sorry Katharyn I beg to differ - there is no such thing as too much fun - go on give us poor deprived Kitties the Tara/Willow wash scene - pleeeaseIP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Oh yeah and the next part will definitely be posted tonight. Angst city... I am depressing myself again.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
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posted October 16, 2001 00:49 Well now I'm all depressed - but in a good way(?). Watched Tough Love thru to The Gift last night for the first time. Too much angst all in one shot even for me and even got a sniffle out of a non-Buffy fan. Looks like I'll have to find something fun to write about...Oh yeah and the next part will definitely be posted tonight. Angst city... I am depressing myself again.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
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posted October 16, 2001 08:09 I personally can't wait for the next part, I love angst...IP: LoggednikaCool Monster Fighter And There is never such a thing as gratuitous love scenes between W/T, bathtub fun please?
And I beg to differ with Forrister I love horses they're strong and noble and tons of fun when you get along with them.
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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson
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posted October 16, 2001 08:42 Great chapter, a rat with a hormone high and a personallity dilema *lol*And There is never such a thing as gratuitous love scenes between W/T, bathtub fun please?
And I beg to differ with Forrister I love horses they're strong and noble and tons of fun when you get along with them.
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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson
The Beginnings Cycle
Musings, Wangling and Secrets
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Goodnight love.’
‘Goodnight honey.’
Click. The light went out.
It didn’t take five minutes for it to come back on again. Five minutes where there was no sign that either of them were thinking of sleep, snuggling or anything else. Maybe it was Dracula being on the Scooby patch. That was something different.
Or not. Maybe there were just things on minds.
Click.
‘I have to tell you something,’ Willow admitted, sounding a little sheepish, as Tara looked over at her. ‘Actually I haven’t to tell you anything.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘No I mean I have something I could tell you. But I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t and I won’t,’ Willow said, filled with guilt at having a secret and not doing very with it at all. First Xander, now Tara. It kept whispering and trying to slip out.
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘That doesn’t bother you, that I have a secret that I haven’t told you?’
‘No honey. It’s a secret. Turn the light out.’ Secrets were for keeping.
‘Well it bothers me, I hate it when we have to hide things and have secrets,’ Willow said.
Oh… thought Tara… no. Not a conversation that she wanted to have.
‘We shouldn’t have to hide things, and I don’t want to hide things. Actually it is not “things” plural it is more a thing – like singular. One thing. Just one. I promise. But I am still hiding it because I promised I would hide it and now that I promised I have to hide it, for as long as it has to stay hidden. Okay?’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘But I don’t want to hide it. Even though it is a hidden thing I don’t want to hide it. Not from you. From other people it should be hidden, it deserves to be hidden, but not from you. I don’t want to hide things from you. And I don’t want to hide the fact that I don’t want to hide things from you, even though I do have something hidden – but only because I was asked to hide it.’
‘So it is a secret? And you can’t tell me?’ Tara asked.
‘Yes. I mean no. I can’t. But I want to.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’ Tara understood all about secrets.
Click.
There was no way that Tara was going to get into that… not now. Not the whole secret thing. Not when she had one of her own to hide. And what a whopper. Better to hide things with the light out where you couldn’t look into each others eyes and read their soul. Or have it read.
Least she still had a soul. For now.
Click
‘Tara, do you think that the rain yesterday was my fault?’ Willow asked, looking at the ceiling and remembering the near instant downpour that had followed her lighting of the fire. Tara would lose her deposit if that happened indoors. It had also been a near miss with Amy-da-horse. A few seconds later with that general reversal spell and the carpet…
Tara was also looking up at the ceiling. Perhaps they had a shared vision. ‘I think it probably was, you know, something to do with it. A little. Maybe.’ What else could she say to that question? There hadn’t been a cloud in the sky for miles. She had actually looked and said to herself there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Then it rained. Hard. On them. Just them. It had been kind of like a cartoon and funny at the time. Until you thought of what it meant. Might mean.
‘Yeah,’ Willow admitted. ‘But I was in control, I was balancing the elements. I know I was. I thought to myself “you have to balance the elements.”’ So what had gone wrong?
‘That isn’t enough baby. Just to know the problems,’ Tara told her lover. ‘You have to do something about them too. Otherwise you just know what is going to happen without trying to stop it.’ How ultimately true that would prove to be? But what could she do?
‘I did. I told myself that was the problem and I tried to balance it out. Guess I didn’t do so well.’ A small and localised thunderstorm wasn’t exactly top a top-notch balancing act when all you were trying to do was light a fire. With balance like that you could fall over sitting still in a chair.
‘Did you? You know, balance it? Really?’ Tara had concerns… little concerns. Had even before yesterday.
‘Yes… well I tried,’ Willow replied.
‘Perhaps you just actualised the problem. Perhaps you were so concerned about the side effects that you sort of caused them to happen. Even in magic wishing things doesn’t make them so.’ Isn’t that the truth. ‘Not like “poof” sort of magic. There are reactions.’ Always…
‘Perhaps…’ Willow wasn't certain about that. She was pretty sure that she had tried to get it right. Actually she had been worrying about a hurricane so a small storm was kind of a step up from that. Or down. Away anyway. Still it was good to know that it was a possibility – should she ever need one.
‘Some things just don’t work as you want them to,’ Tara continued, her mind not one hundred percent with the conversation. Part of it was elsewhere where the words were the same if not the topic. ‘Sometimes things just happen despite what you want.’
Tara was quiet then and Willow had the strangest feeling that she they hadn’t necessarily been talking about the same thing. At least not totally. Tara continued to stare at the ceiling, not even leaning in for a snuggle or a kiss. Willow was going to say something but then decided not to.
‘Goodnight baby,’ she said to Tara.
It took Tara long, long seconds to come up with an answer to that simple thing. I’m her baby and she’s my honey. How long now? Things were bubbling under inside her. So much had happened. Inconsequential things. Things that she would not have thought about twice even a week ago. But now. Now everything was about to change again.
She was going to have to move in somewhere else. The last somewhere else before she went back home. And still without Willow. Not far away. Just down the hall infact, but… At one point at the end of last year she had wanted to share with Willow – dreamed that she could do. Willow had wanted to share with her. Officially like, rather than just spending most nights and days together anyway. But they weren’t doing it. They could. They were ready. They were committed to each other. But they weren’t actually doing it… Another thing she would never have the chance to know. Things like that were starting to mount up and get counted. And regretted.
It had never been raised as an issue, the moving in together, but Tara knew she had caused it. Things had intruded. She had thought about it. She was just being practical. If she shared with Willow then she would be leaving Willow in the lurch financially – and at a time when she didn’t want to make it any harder. Not one jot harder. Because stuff was going to be hard enough for Willow.
Stuff. That’s good. I can, she mused, refer to the imminent end of my humanity as stuff. But there was other stuff too…
‘Goodnight my love.’
Click.
The room dropped into darkness again. But neither of them moved once more. Still thinking.
Click.
The light came back on. This time it was Tara who was responsible for turning it on. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Willow just waited for her to say what was on her mind.
‘Did you really find Dracula, you know, sexy?’ Tara finally asked but that wasn't the question she had wanted to ask.
‘I told you… no.’ Willow said.
‘You don’t have to tell me the same thing you told the others. You have to let them think that you are gay lesbo gal, because anything else might be… confusing,’ Tara told her. ‘But I don’t, you know, need to hear that. You don’t confuse me love.’
‘You think I pretend to be gay?’ Willow asked her, taken aback by even the possibility that Tara could think that – or worry about it.
‘Oh no. No!’ Tara paused. ‘No.’ That was not what Tara meant at all though she knew what it had sounded like. That would teach her to avoid the question. She may as well have just come out and asked Willow if she was bi-sexual – but that wasn't the question either, just what it had sounded like. ‘I just mean that – I mean… Well I am just curious.’
‘About me and Dracula? There is nothing going on there. We’re just good friends, in the kind of “I see him and run away” way.’ Willow tried to joke and move past the question.
‘Did you find him sexy?’ Tara repeated quietly.
‘Yes Okay. But he is a Dark Prince. You read the same things I did about him. His powers,’ Willow told Tara, not at all convinced this was the jealousy thing that she had first taken it for. Something else was at work here. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ Nothing that I can tell you love. Nothing that you might think it is. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I can ever admit to you without breaking both our hearts. ‘Like I said. I am just curious.’
‘About who I find sexy?’ Willow asked.
‘Yes.’
‘You love. Just you,’ and it was true.
‘But I’m not all. You just admitted that. People, all people, find lots of other people sexy,’ Tara told her.
‘Like you and the Three Sisters,’ Willow joked referring once more to their research.
‘Like me and the Three Sisters.’ Tara played along with the humour. There had been something about the descriptions of them… But she only let herself be distracted for a second. It was all that she could manage right now. ‘But you have found…men… sexy before…’ Tara trailed off.
‘Yes.’
‘Xander, Oz, even Mr Giles, and others.’
‘Yes,’ Willow repeated.
Tara just lay there for a minute, unable to find an unambiguous was to say what it was that she wanted to. That she thought she should say. Bearing in mind the future. Unambiguous but not alarming either.
‘You’re worried that I might find a man sexier than you love?’ Willow asked, guessing.
Wrongly guessing as it turned out. But Tara didn’t even have time to respond before Willow moved to reassure her.
‘It’ll never happen love. There is no one sexier than you. And what is sexy anyway? That’s just eye candy. There is no one I could ever love more. No one I have found sexier or loved more than you. You’re my everything. Everything I ever want. Everything I ever need. Just everything. You know that. Don’t you?’ Willow was a little concerned now. This was so unlike Tara that it was like being here with someone else. It was like being here with the Tara she had first fallen in love with – the shy Tara. The one lacking in self-confidence and doubting her own worth. And that Tara had not put in an appearance for a long time now. Whilst it might be nice to have her visit she preferred her Tara.
‘I know that. I’m not worried about that at all. I’m not really worried about anything.’ Anything about Willow’s love anyway. ‘I’m just, you know, curious. I know you love me, never feel that I doubt you. You show me that you find me sexy as often as I could ever need you to. I was just curious what you felt about other people. Just curious,’ Tara promised her. She had far bigger concerns creeping up on her with all the stealth of a rhinoceros running around in big room full of noisy stuff than jealousy or any stupid doubt about Willow’s sexuality. She knew Willow. There was no doubt.
‘So why now?’
‘Huh?’
‘Why,’ Willow asked, ‘are you curious now?’ Something was really getting to Tara. Something… else. It wasn't so late but her love had a lecture in the morning to go to – and she never missed. And she hated to be tired at them… determined to make the best of her opportunities. “Whilst I have them,” Tara had said once. Good attitude but it had sounded sort of resigned. So what had caused her to ask that question now when they should be snuggled up and falling asleep? Perhaps I just took her away from sleepiness, Willow rationalised.
‘No reason,’ and that was a lie. Tara hated herself for it. But what could she say? She couldn’t tell Willow what was going on in her head… not fully anyway. But as Willow had said it wasn't right to keep secrets either…
‘Tara…’ It was a request and Willow knew she sounded suitably hurt to get the truth from her love. She knew that Tara was hiding something from her, but figured that if Tara had let her see and hear that there was something then it wasn't like she was really trying to hide it so she didn’t have to be afraid – or really hurt. Perhaps Tara needed her to wangle it out of her… like she had felt about her Giles secret. Perhaps the secret inside Tara was whispering to her too.
‘I just worry about you love.’
Oh my. That was not the answer Willow had been expecting at all. What sort of reason started like that? Not a happy one. Not one you could laugh off. One that was undeniably true though. ‘Worry? About me… why?’
‘Things happen,’ Tara told her. ‘Things happen all the time.’ Though she had only one thing in her mind. What else?
‘Things?’ Willow asked.
‘Things. Anything. Nothing in particular. Just things, you know?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ And Willow did know. Things did happen. Things like falling in love with the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman in the world. She told Tara that.
Tara closed her eyes to hold back the beginnings of what might have become tears. She wasn't about to let Willow see that because she had to agree with that one – at least in reverse. But that was the whole problem wasn't it? What would happen to her beautiful sexy woman… after another “thing” had happened. A “thing” that couldn’t help but change everything. Ruin everything that they had. Everything that they could have had. Taken away the present, future and certainty. Left them both alone with just a shared past. Left Willow alone again…
No not quite alone.
Willow had friends. Good friends who would help her through it. Tara trusted them to do that – even after what Willow had suggested she had felt the last time. With Oz. But Tara knew they would help her – they were all closer now than they had been then. She wasn't so afraid for Willow because of worrying how she would get through it. And she would eventually get through it. She was a strong woman with good friends.
I wonder if I will even have the ability to care whether she does or not, Tara asked herself.
Maybe it would be better not to have that feeling… when it has happened. To be haunted and plagued by it. But her concerns were not for herself. Not yet.
‘Other things than that. Bad things. Things that separate people even when they don’t want them to. Especially when they don’t want them to. Things you can’t stop.’ Was that too much? Tara asked herself.
And Willow got it. ‘You mean like your mother?’ she asked.
Oh by the goddess… she couldn’t guess. She couldn’t know. But could Willow have guessed? Not already…
‘When she died you lost her and you couldn’t do anything about it.’ Willow told her love that and was gratified to see Tara let her breath go as if she had been holding it in.
Willow thought she had it. But though she was wrong it would suffice. It wasn't a lie unless you actually told it and she didn’t want to lie to Willow anymore tonight. Not unless she had to hide the painful reality. So she stayed silent.
‘I’m not going anywhere love. I’m not sick. You’re not sick. Neither of us is going anywhere. We’re in love.’ Willow just had a dreadful thought based on what had brought them to this point. This wasn't about her leaving Tara alone. It was about Tara leaving her alone. ‘You’re not sick?’ A question this time. A plea. ‘Are you?’
‘No love. I’m not sick.’ I’m just going to turn into a filthy demon and have to leave you forever. To protect you from what I will be then. Even though I will still love you. To protect the world. Even though I don’t give a fig about the world right now. Just you. ‘I’m fine.’ All that accepted, it was just curiosity. A desire to know. And for Willow to know something too.
‘Then… are you afraid of something happening whilst we are helping out Buffy?’ Willow asked, following the logical roots of this concern that was blighting Tara.
‘No. That’s not it – though I do worry about you when you are out there. But I trust you to come back to me. I trust you all to look out for each other and make sure nothing happens – to any of you.’
‘Then…?’ Willow asked
‘Things do happen love. Even when we don’t want them to.’ Let Willow think she was still talking about her mother if she liked. Maybe in some ways she was, but her mother had been married even before the demon came for her. She had already found her love and was able to keep him – because he already knew. I won’t even have that. Could I have it? If I were to tell this loving woman? No… that was not an option. ‘And I just want you to be happy if it ever does. That’s all. I just wondered what sort of person it would be with…’ Goddess that was depressing. ‘Just please don’t tell me you know who with exactly,’ Tara forced the joke to try to lighten the mood once more and alleviate Willow’s obvious fears.
‘There is no one else for me. Just you,’ Willow told her firmly. ‘No one.’
That was not what Tara wanted to hear. Maybe if she didn’t have this demon shaped monkey on her back then those might be the perfect words but not now. She knew Willow loved her. She wanted to know that Willow knew that she could, one day, love someone else. With her blessing. She didn’t want Willow to be alone. She didn’t want to have this conversation again or else Willow would know something more was wrong. Tara needed to know. She needed Willow to know that now so that when it did happen then her flame haired love would understand what she had meant… and maybe then she could get on and be happy in the future. Willow had to be happy.
Even if it can’t be with me.
Or it was all for nothing unless Willow could be happy. The self-sacrifice was all for Willow. Damn the world. It was just for Willow.
‘If it came to it love, then there has to be.’ I don’t want you to be alone. I will handle the loneliness for both of us. Tara finally looked at Willow and found her looking right back at her. Tara had looked to convince Willow that she meant it, but instead all she found was that she was frightening her love with what Willow assumed to be morbid talk. It was good that Willow thought that only death could separate them.
But Tara knew better.
But she also knew that she could not press the point. It was not fair. It was not right. On either of them. On the time they had left. They had to make the best that they could of that. This wasn't helping. This could very easily make things harder.
‘I just want you to know. I mean this is a dangerous town… where bad things happen… that if anything, you know, happened… too me… then you have to be h-happy. With whoever that is. You just have to be happy. That’s all that will matter. Just remember that love – if it ever did. Happen I mean.’ Tara could see that it was now Willow who was approaching tears and Tara could not bear that. So she lied again. She had to.
She leaned in and placed a kiss on Willow’s lips. ‘But nothing will happen love. You’re right I was just thinking about my mother… you know what that does to me.’ That at least was true.
The tears did not start to flow from Willow’s eyes and Tara was glad of that. Sealed with a kiss perhaps. So glad that she was able to avoid reaction to Willow’s next statement.
‘And if anything happens to me. Then the same. For you,’ Willow told Tara with a fervour borne of her emotions.
Tara smiled. She could smile. It was a promise that she would never have to make good on – even if she wanted to. Which she didn’t. Everything Willow had told her about being the only one… it was all true the other way too.
‘Let’s just see that nothing happens,’ Willow continued.
Tara nodded at her and pulled her close into a clinch that would not break until morning and gave Willow another kiss.
How can I let this woman go? Tara asked herself that for the thousandth time. Was there an option? Was there a choice? Was there a way to beat her future? Should she even try? Those were questions she had avoided… not asked so much.
But how can I let this woman go if I don’t at least try?
The light went out again but holding each other it didn’t seem to be a dark place. It never did. Willow’s voice spoke out of the shadows. ‘Bet you can’t wangle my secret out of me.’
Live for the moment and all…
‘Bet?’ Sealed with more than a kiss then.
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Endnote: The first person who read this sort of went “huh?” part way through. Just to be clear Tara in this fic is not questioning Willow’s sexuality. (Nor am I!) It’s just another of those badly worded questions that people sometimes ask. Personally I am of the opinion that this is a non-issue - even in “Tough Love” Tara is not questioning this – she just gets angry and sidetracked in response to Willow’s own anger and evasion of Tara's concerns about magic in that episode. Unfortunately I feel that I have to put this sort of note on because I don’t trust my language skills to get it across in the fic as clearly as I can here and do not want to give any hint of the wrong impression. It would spoil the mood I am trying to build.
K.
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She's my always
IP: Logged
Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
IP: Logged
I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
IP: Logged
The Beginnings Cycle
Musings, Wangling and Secrets
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Goodnight love.’
‘Goodnight honey.’
Click. The light went out.
It didn’t take five minutes for it to come back on again. Five minutes where there was no sign that either of them were thinking of sleep, snuggling or anything else. Maybe it was Dracula being on the Scooby patch. That was something different.
Or not. Maybe there were just things on minds.
Click.
‘I have to tell you something,’ Willow admitted, sounding a little sheepish, as Tara looked over at her. ‘Actually I haven’t to tell you anything.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘No I mean I have something I could tell you. But I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t and I won’t,’ Willow said, filled with guilt at having a secret and not doing very with it at all. First Xander, now Tara. It kept whispering and trying to slip out.
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘That doesn’t bother you, that I have a secret that I haven’t told you?’
‘No honey. It’s a secret. Turn the light out.’ Secrets were for keeping.
‘Well it bothers me, I hate it when we have to hide things and have secrets,’ Willow said.
Oh… thought Tara… no. Not a conversation that she wanted to have.
‘We shouldn’t have to hide things, and I don’t want to hide things. Actually it is not “things” plural it is more a thing – like singular. One thing. Just one. I promise. But I am still hiding it because I promised I would hide it and now that I promised I have to hide it, for as long as it has to stay hidden. Okay?’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘But I don’t want to hide it. Even though it is a hidden thing I don’t want to hide it. Not from you. From other people it should be hidden, it deserves to be hidden, but not from you. I don’t want to hide things from you. And I don’t want to hide the fact that I don’t want to hide things from you, even though I do have something hidden – but only because I was asked to hide it.’
‘So it is a secret? And you can’t tell me?’ Tara asked.
‘Yes. I mean no. I can’t. But I want to.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’ Tara understood all about secrets.
Click.
There was no way that Tara was going to get into that… not now. Not the whole secret thing. Not when she had one of her own to hide. And what a whopper. Better to hide things with the light out where you couldn’t look into each others eyes and read their soul. Or have it read.
Least she still had a soul. For now.
Click
‘Tara, do you think that the rain yesterday was my fault?’ Willow asked, looking at the ceiling and remembering the near instant downpour that had followed her lighting of the fire. Tara would lose her deposit if that happened indoors. It had also been a near miss with Amy-da-horse. A few seconds later with that general reversal spell and the carpet…
Tara was also looking up at the ceiling. Perhaps they had a shared vision. ‘I think it probably was, you know, something to do with it. A little. Maybe.’ What else could she say to that question? There hadn’t been a cloud in the sky for miles. She had actually looked and said to herself there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Then it rained. Hard. On them. Just them. It had been kind of like a cartoon and funny at the time. Until you thought of what it meant. Might mean.
‘Yeah,’ Willow admitted. ‘But I was in control, I was balancing the elements. I know I was. I thought to myself “you have to balance the elements.”’ So what had gone wrong?
‘That isn’t enough baby. Just to know the problems,’ Tara told her lover. ‘You have to do something about them too. Otherwise you just know what is going to happen without trying to stop it.’ How ultimately true that would prove to be? But what could she do?
‘I did. I told myself that was the problem and I tried to balance it out. Guess I didn’t do so well.’ A small and localised thunderstorm wasn’t exactly top a top-notch balancing act when all you were trying to do was light a fire. With balance like that you could fall over sitting still in a chair.
‘Did you? You know, balance it? Really?’ Tara had concerns… little concerns. Had even before yesterday.
‘Yes… well I tried,’ Willow replied.
‘Perhaps you just actualised the problem. Perhaps you were so concerned about the side effects that you sort of caused them to happen. Even in magic wishing things doesn’t make them so.’ Isn’t that the truth. ‘Not like “poof” sort of magic. There are reactions.’ Always…
‘Perhaps…’ Willow wasn't certain about that. She was pretty sure that she had tried to get it right. Actually she had been worrying about a hurricane so a small storm was kind of a step up from that. Or down. Away anyway. Still it was good to know that it was a possibility – should she ever need one.
‘Some things just don’t work as you want them to,’ Tara continued, her mind not one hundred percent with the conversation. Part of it was elsewhere where the words were the same if not the topic. ‘Sometimes things just happen despite what you want.’
Tara was quiet then and Willow had the strangest feeling that she they hadn’t necessarily been talking about the same thing. At least not totally. Tara continued to stare at the ceiling, not even leaning in for a snuggle or a kiss. Willow was going to say something but then decided not to.
‘Goodnight baby,’ she said to Tara.
It took Tara long, long seconds to come up with an answer to that simple thing. I’m her baby and she’s my honey. How long now? Things were bubbling under inside her. So much had happened. Inconsequential things. Things that she would not have thought about twice even a week ago. But now. Now everything was about to change again.
She was going to have to move in somewhere else. The last somewhere else before she went back home. And still without Willow. Not far away. Just down the hall infact, but… At one point at the end of last year she had wanted to share with Willow – dreamed that she could do. Willow had wanted to share with her. Officially like, rather than just spending most nights and days together anyway. But they weren’t doing it. They could. They were ready. They were committed to each other. But they weren’t actually doing it… Another thing she would never have the chance to know. Things like that were starting to mount up and get counted. And regretted.
It had never been raised as an issue, the moving in together, but Tara knew she had caused it. Things had intruded. She had thought about it. She was just being practical. If she shared with Willow then she would be leaving Willow in the lurch financially – and at a time when she didn’t want to make it any harder. Not one jot harder. Because stuff was going to be hard enough for Willow.
Stuff. That’s good. I can, she mused, refer to the imminent end of my humanity as stuff. But there was other stuff too…
‘Goodnight my love.’
Click.
The room dropped into darkness again. But neither of them moved once more. Still thinking.
Click.
The light came back on. This time it was Tara who was responsible for turning it on. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Willow just waited for her to say what was on her mind.
‘Did you really find Dracula, you know, sexy?’ Tara finally asked but that wasn't the question she had wanted to ask.
‘I told you… no.’ Willow said.
‘You don’t have to tell me the same thing you told the others. You have to let them think that you are gay lesbo gal, because anything else might be… confusing,’ Tara told her. ‘But I don’t, you know, need to hear that. You don’t confuse me love.’
‘You think I pretend to be gay?’ Willow asked her, taken aback by even the possibility that Tara could think that – or worry about it.
‘Oh no. No!’ Tara paused. ‘No.’ That was not what Tara meant at all though she knew what it had sounded like. That would teach her to avoid the question. She may as well have just come out and asked Willow if she was bi-sexual – but that wasn't the question either, just what it had sounded like. ‘I just mean that – I mean… Well I am just curious.’
‘About me and Dracula? There is nothing going on there. We’re just good friends, in the kind of “I see him and run away” way.’ Willow tried to joke and move past the question.
‘Did you find him sexy?’ Tara repeated quietly.
‘Yes Okay. But he is a Dark Prince. You read the same things I did about him. His powers,’ Willow told Tara, not at all convinced this was the jealousy thing that she had first taken it for. Something else was at work here. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ Nothing that I can tell you love. Nothing that you might think it is. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I can ever admit to you without breaking both our hearts. ‘Like I said. I am just curious.’
‘About who I find sexy?’ Willow asked.
‘Yes.’
‘You love. Just you,’ and it was true.
‘But I’m not all. You just admitted that. People, all people, find lots of other people sexy,’ Tara told her.
‘Like you and the Three Sisters,’ Willow joked referring once more to their research.
‘Like me and the Three Sisters.’ Tara played along with the humour. There had been something about the descriptions of them… But she only let herself be distracted for a second. It was all that she could manage right now. ‘But you have found…men… sexy before…’ Tara trailed off.
‘Yes.’
‘Xander, Oz, even Mr Giles, and others.’
‘Yes,’ Willow repeated.
Tara just lay there for a minute, unable to find an unambiguous was to say what it was that she wanted to. That she thought she should say. Bearing in mind the future. Unambiguous but not alarming either.
‘You’re worried that I might find a man sexier than you love?’ Willow asked, guessing.
Wrongly guessing as it turned out. But Tara didn’t even have time to respond before Willow moved to reassure her.
‘It’ll never happen love. There is no one sexier than you. And what is sexy anyway? That’s just eye candy. There is no one I could ever love more. No one I have found sexier or loved more than you. You’re my everything. Everything I ever want. Everything I ever need. Just everything. You know that. Don’t you?’ Willow was a little concerned now. This was so unlike Tara that it was like being here with someone else. It was like being here with the Tara she had first fallen in love with – the shy Tara. The one lacking in self-confidence and doubting her own worth. And that Tara had not put in an appearance for a long time now. Whilst it might be nice to have her visit she preferred her Tara.
‘I know that. I’m not worried about that at all. I’m not really worried about anything.’ Anything about Willow’s love anyway. ‘I’m just, you know, curious. I know you love me, never feel that I doubt you. You show me that you find me sexy as often as I could ever need you to. I was just curious what you felt about other people. Just curious,’ Tara promised her. She had far bigger concerns creeping up on her with all the stealth of a rhinoceros running around in big room full of noisy stuff than jealousy or any stupid doubt about Willow’s sexuality. She knew Willow. There was no doubt.
‘So why now?’
‘Huh?’
‘Why,’ Willow asked, ‘are you curious now?’ Something was really getting to Tara. Something… else. It wasn't so late but her love had a lecture in the morning to go to – and she never missed. And she hated to be tired at them… determined to make the best of her opportunities. “Whilst I have them,” Tara had said once. Good attitude but it had sounded sort of resigned. So what had caused her to ask that question now when they should be snuggled up and falling asleep? Perhaps I just took her away from sleepiness, Willow rationalised.
‘No reason,’ and that was a lie. Tara hated herself for it. But what could she say? She couldn’t tell Willow what was going on in her head… not fully anyway. But as Willow had said it wasn't right to keep secrets either…
‘Tara…’ It was a request and Willow knew she sounded suitably hurt to get the truth from her love. She knew that Tara was hiding something from her, but figured that if Tara had let her see and hear that there was something then it wasn't like she was really trying to hide it so she didn’t have to be afraid – or really hurt. Perhaps Tara needed her to wangle it out of her… like she had felt about her Giles secret. Perhaps the secret inside Tara was whispering to her too.
‘I just worry about you love.’
Oh my. That was not the answer Willow had been expecting at all. What sort of reason started like that? Not a happy one. Not one you could laugh off. One that was undeniably true though. ‘Worry? About me… why?’
‘Things happen,’ Tara told her. ‘Things happen all the time.’ Though she had only one thing in her mind. What else?
‘Things?’ Willow asked.
‘Things. Anything. Nothing in particular. Just things, you know?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ And Willow did know. Things did happen. Things like falling in love with the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman in the world. She told Tara that.
Tara closed her eyes to hold back the beginnings of what might have become tears. She wasn't about to let Willow see that because she had to agree with that one – at least in reverse. But that was the whole problem wasn't it? What would happen to her beautiful sexy woman… after another “thing” had happened. A “thing” that couldn’t help but change everything. Ruin everything that they had. Everything that they could have had. Taken away the present, future and certainty. Left them both alone with just a shared past. Left Willow alone again…
No not quite alone.
Willow had friends. Good friends who would help her through it. Tara trusted them to do that – even after what Willow had suggested she had felt the last time. With Oz. But Tara knew they would help her – they were all closer now than they had been then. She wasn't so afraid for Willow because of worrying how she would get through it. And she would eventually get through it. She was a strong woman with good friends.
I wonder if I will even have the ability to care whether she does or not, Tara asked herself.
Maybe it would be better not to have that feeling… when it has happened. To be haunted and plagued by it. But her concerns were not for herself. Not yet.
‘Other things than that. Bad things. Things that separate people even when they don’t want them to. Especially when they don’t want them to. Things you can’t stop.’ Was that too much? Tara asked herself.
And Willow got it. ‘You mean like your mother?’ she asked.
Oh by the goddess… she couldn’t guess. She couldn’t know. But could Willow have guessed? Not already…
‘When she died you lost her and you couldn’t do anything about it.’ Willow told her love that and was gratified to see Tara let her breath go as if she had been holding it in.
Willow thought she had it. But though she was wrong it would suffice. It wasn't a lie unless you actually told it and she didn’t want to lie to Willow anymore tonight. Not unless she had to hide the painful reality. So she stayed silent.
‘I’m not going anywhere love. I’m not sick. You’re not sick. Neither of us is going anywhere. We’re in love.’ Willow just had a dreadful thought based on what had brought them to this point. This wasn't about her leaving Tara alone. It was about Tara leaving her alone. ‘You’re not sick?’ A question this time. A plea. ‘Are you?’
‘No love. I’m not sick.’ I’m just going to turn into a filthy demon and have to leave you forever. To protect you from what I will be then. Even though I will still love you. To protect the world. Even though I don’t give a fig about the world right now. Just you. ‘I’m fine.’ All that accepted, it was just curiosity. A desire to know. And for Willow to know something too.
‘Then… are you afraid of something happening whilst we are helping out Buffy?’ Willow asked, following the logical roots of this concern that was blighting Tara.
‘No. That’s not it – though I do worry about you when you are out there. But I trust you to come back to me. I trust you all to look out for each other and make sure nothing happens – to any of you.’
‘Then…?’ Willow asked
‘Things do happen love. Even when we don’t want them to.’ Let Willow think she was still talking about her mother if she liked. Maybe in some ways she was, but her mother had been married even before the demon came for her. She had already found her love and was able to keep him – because he already knew. I won’t even have that. Could I have it? If I were to tell this loving woman? No… that was not an option. ‘And I just want you to be happy if it ever does. That’s all. I just wondered what sort of person it would be with…’ Goddess that was depressing. ‘Just please don’t tell me you know who with exactly,’ Tara forced the joke to try to lighten the mood once more and alleviate Willow’s obvious fears.
‘There is no one else for me. Just you,’ Willow told her firmly. ‘No one.’
That was not what Tara wanted to hear. Maybe if she didn’t have this demon shaped monkey on her back then those might be the perfect words but not now. She knew Willow loved her. She wanted to know that Willow knew that she could, one day, love someone else. With her blessing. She didn’t want Willow to be alone. She didn’t want to have this conversation again or else Willow would know something more was wrong. Tara needed to know. She needed Willow to know that now so that when it did happen then her flame haired love would understand what she had meant… and maybe then she could get on and be happy in the future. Willow had to be happy.
Even if it can’t be with me.
Or it was all for nothing unless Willow could be happy. The self-sacrifice was all for Willow. Damn the world. It was just for Willow.
‘If it came to it love, then there has to be.’ I don’t want you to be alone. I will handle the loneliness for both of us. Tara finally looked at Willow and found her looking right back at her. Tara had looked to convince Willow that she meant it, but instead all she found was that she was frightening her love with what Willow assumed to be morbid talk. It was good that Willow thought that only death could separate them.
But Tara knew better.
But she also knew that she could not press the point. It was not fair. It was not right. On either of them. On the time they had left. They had to make the best that they could of that. This wasn't helping. This could very easily make things harder.
‘I just want you to know. I mean this is a dangerous town… where bad things happen… that if anything, you know, happened… too me… then you have to be h-happy. With whoever that is. You just have to be happy. That’s all that will matter. Just remember that love – if it ever did. Happen I mean.’ Tara could see that it was now Willow who was approaching tears and Tara could not bear that. So she lied again. She had to.
She leaned in and placed a kiss on Willow’s lips. ‘But nothing will happen love. You’re right I was just thinking about my mother… you know what that does to me.’ That at least was true.
The tears did not start to flow from Willow’s eyes and Tara was glad of that. Sealed with a kiss perhaps. So glad that she was able to avoid reaction to Willow’s next statement.
‘And if anything happens to me. Then the same. For you,’ Willow told Tara with a fervour borne of her emotions.
Tara smiled. She could smile. It was a promise that she would never have to make good on – even if she wanted to. Which she didn’t. Everything Willow had told her about being the only one… it was all true the other way too.
‘Let’s just see that nothing happens,’ Willow continued.
Tara nodded at her and pulled her close into a clinch that would not break until morning and gave Willow another kiss.
How can I let this woman go? Tara asked herself that for the thousandth time. Was there an option? Was there a choice? Was there a way to beat her future? Should she even try? Those were questions she had avoided… not asked so much.
But how can I let this woman go if I don’t at least try?
The light went out again but holding each other it didn’t seem to be a dark place. It never did. Willow’s voice spoke out of the shadows. ‘Bet you can’t wangle my secret out of me.’
Live for the moment and all…
‘Bet?’ Sealed with more than a kiss then.
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Endnote: The first person who read this sort of went “huh?” part way through. Just to be clear Tara in this fic is not questioning Willow’s sexuality. (Nor am I!) It’s just another of those badly worded questions that people sometimes ask. Personally I am of the opinion that this is a non-issue - even in “Tough Love” Tara is not questioning this – she just gets angry and sidetracked in response to Willow’s own anger and evasion of Tara's concerns about magic in that episode. Unfortunately I feel that I have to put this sort of note on because I don’t trust my language skills to get it across in the fic as clearly as I can here and do not want to give any hint of the wrong impression. It would spoil the mood I am trying to build.
K.
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She's my always
IP: Logged
Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
IP: Logged
I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
IP: Logged
Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
IP: Logged
posted October 16, 2001 14:14 It's a good thing these two can reach the light from the bed otherwise there'd be several uncomfortable trips back and forth in the dark.Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
IP: Logged
posted October 17, 2001 06:42 I understood where you were coming from and didn't at all get the impression that you were questioning willow's sexuality. This chapter was purely about Tara's secret and I think you worded it perfectly! Another enthralling installment......well done!!I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
by Forrister » Sat Oct 13, 2001 3:55 am
I enjoyed this little sojourn with Amy and Miss Kitty. I have to ask - was that naughty thought fairy sitting on your shoulder when you wrote this or am I just getting an overdeveloped sense of kinky subtext?
Well done!
Noli equi dentes inspicere donati.
(Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.)
by Katharyn » Sat Oct 13, 2001 4:46 am
I'll just say this to answer your question. Amy has been stuck as a rat for over a year. No boys, no other rats, no nothing. That would start to get to anyone and as for Miss Kitty, she doesn't even know what bits are, just hearing what the grown up Kitty's say at the vets.
Katharyn
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She's my always
by Forrister » Sat Oct 13, 2001 12:38 pm
Parva tortus capiunt animos.
(Small things capture twisted minds).
by kpmuse » Sun Oct 14, 2001 6:45 am
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kris
Um ... eat a lot of apple sauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians. - Amber
by Katharyn » Sun Oct 14, 2001 7:27 am
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 14, 2001).]
by Zahir » Sun Oct 14, 2001 3:50 pm
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
by Katharyn » Mon Oct 15, 2001 10:45 am
Katharyn
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She's my always
by KittyKo » Mon Oct 15, 2001 10:48 am
by Bunny » Mon Oct 15, 2001 2:28 pm
by Katharyn » Mon Oct 15, 2001 9:49 pm
Oh yeah and the next part will definitely be posted tonight. Angst city... I am depressing myself again.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 16, 2001).]
by WiggleStick » Tue Oct 16, 2001 5:09 am
by nika » Tue Oct 16, 2001 5:42 am
And There is never such a thing as gratuitous love scenes between W/T, bathtub fun please?
And I beg to differ with Forrister I love horses they're strong and noble and tons of fun when you get along with them.
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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson
by Katharyn » Tue Oct 16, 2001 10:37 am
The Beginnings Cycle
Musings, Wangling and Secrets
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Goodnight love.’
‘Goodnight honey.’
Click. The light went out.
It didn’t take five minutes for it to come back on again. Five minutes where there was no sign that either of them were thinking of sleep, snuggling or anything else. Maybe it was Dracula being on the Scooby patch. That was something different.
Or not. Maybe there were just things on minds.
Click.
‘I have to tell you something,’ Willow admitted, sounding a little sheepish, as Tara looked over at her. ‘Actually I haven’t to tell you anything.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘No I mean I have something I could tell you. But I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t and I won’t,’ Willow said, filled with guilt at having a secret and not doing very with it at all. First Xander, now Tara. It kept whispering and trying to slip out.
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘That doesn’t bother you, that I have a secret that I haven’t told you?’
‘No honey. It’s a secret. Turn the light out.’ Secrets were for keeping.
‘Well it bothers me, I hate it when we have to hide things and have secrets,’ Willow said.
Oh… thought Tara… no. Not a conversation that she wanted to have.
‘We shouldn’t have to hide things, and I don’t want to hide things. Actually it is not “things” plural it is more a thing – like singular. One thing. Just one. I promise. But I am still hiding it because I promised I would hide it and now that I promised I have to hide it, for as long as it has to stay hidden. Okay?’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’
‘But I don’t want to hide it. Even though it is a hidden thing I don’t want to hide it. Not from you. From other people it should be hidden, it deserves to be hidden, but not from you. I don’t want to hide things from you. And I don’t want to hide the fact that I don’t want to hide things from you, even though I do have something hidden – but only because I was asked to hide it.’
‘So it is a secret? And you can’t tell me?’ Tara asked.
‘Yes. I mean no. I can’t. But I want to.’
‘Okay. Turn the light out.’ Tara understood all about secrets.
Click.
There was no way that Tara was going to get into that… not now. Not the whole secret thing. Not when she had one of her own to hide. And what a whopper. Better to hide things with the light out where you couldn’t look into each others eyes and read their soul. Or have it read.
Least she still had a soul. For now.
Click
‘Tara, do you think that the rain yesterday was my fault?’ Willow asked, looking at the ceiling and remembering the near instant downpour that had followed her lighting of the fire. Tara would lose her deposit if that happened indoors. It had also been a near miss with Amy-da-horse. A few seconds later with that general reversal spell and the carpet…
Tara was also looking up at the ceiling. Perhaps they had a shared vision. ‘I think it probably was, you know, something to do with it. A little. Maybe.’ What else could she say to that question? There hadn’t been a cloud in the sky for miles. She had actually looked and said to herself there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Then it rained. Hard. On them. Just them. It had been kind of like a cartoon and funny at the time. Until you thought of what it meant. Might mean.
‘Yeah,’ Willow admitted. ‘But I was in control, I was balancing the elements. I know I was. I thought to myself “you have to balance the elements.”’ So what had gone wrong?
‘That isn’t enough baby. Just to know the problems,’ Tara told her lover. ‘You have to do something about them too. Otherwise you just know what is going to happen without trying to stop it.’ How ultimately true that would prove to be? But what could she do?
‘I did. I told myself that was the problem and I tried to balance it out. Guess I didn’t do so well.’ A small and localised thunderstorm wasn’t exactly top a top-notch balancing act when all you were trying to do was light a fire. With balance like that you could fall over sitting still in a chair.
‘Did you? You know, balance it? Really?’ Tara had concerns… little concerns. Had even before yesterday.
‘Yes… well I tried,’ Willow replied.
‘Perhaps you just actualised the problem. Perhaps you were so concerned about the side effects that you sort of caused them to happen. Even in magic wishing things doesn’t make them so.’ Isn’t that the truth. ‘Not like “poof” sort of magic. There are reactions.’ Always…
‘Perhaps…’ Willow wasn't certain about that. She was pretty sure that she had tried to get it right. Actually she had been worrying about a hurricane so a small storm was kind of a step up from that. Or down. Away anyway. Still it was good to know that it was a possibility – should she ever need one.
‘Some things just don’t work as you want them to,’ Tara continued, her mind not one hundred percent with the conversation. Part of it was elsewhere where the words were the same if not the topic. ‘Sometimes things just happen despite what you want.’
Tara was quiet then and Willow had the strangest feeling that she they hadn’t necessarily been talking about the same thing. At least not totally. Tara continued to stare at the ceiling, not even leaning in for a snuggle or a kiss. Willow was going to say something but then decided not to.
‘Goodnight baby,’ she said to Tara.
It took Tara long, long seconds to come up with an answer to that simple thing. I’m her baby and she’s my honey. How long now? Things were bubbling under inside her. So much had happened. Inconsequential things. Things that she would not have thought about twice even a week ago. But now. Now everything was about to change again.
She was going to have to move in somewhere else. The last somewhere else before she went back home. And still without Willow. Not far away. Just down the hall infact, but… At one point at the end of last year she had wanted to share with Willow – dreamed that she could do. Willow had wanted to share with her. Officially like, rather than just spending most nights and days together anyway. But they weren’t doing it. They could. They were ready. They were committed to each other. But they weren’t actually doing it… Another thing she would never have the chance to know. Things like that were starting to mount up and get counted. And regretted.
It had never been raised as an issue, the moving in together, but Tara knew she had caused it. Things had intruded. She had thought about it. She was just being practical. If she shared with Willow then she would be leaving Willow in the lurch financially – and at a time when she didn’t want to make it any harder. Not one jot harder. Because stuff was going to be hard enough for Willow.
Stuff. That’s good. I can, she mused, refer to the imminent end of my humanity as stuff. But there was other stuff too…
‘Goodnight my love.’
Click.
The room dropped into darkness again. But neither of them moved once more. Still thinking.
Click.
The light came back on. This time it was Tara who was responsible for turning it on. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Willow just waited for her to say what was on her mind.
‘Did you really find Dracula, you know, sexy?’ Tara finally asked but that wasn't the question she had wanted to ask.
‘I told you… no.’ Willow said.
‘You don’t have to tell me the same thing you told the others. You have to let them think that you are gay lesbo gal, because anything else might be… confusing,’ Tara told her. ‘But I don’t, you know, need to hear that. You don’t confuse me love.’
‘You think I pretend to be gay?’ Willow asked her, taken aback by even the possibility that Tara could think that – or worry about it.
‘Oh no. No!’ Tara paused. ‘No.’ That was not what Tara meant at all though she knew what it had sounded like. That would teach her to avoid the question. She may as well have just come out and asked Willow if she was bi-sexual – but that wasn't the question either, just what it had sounded like. ‘I just mean that – I mean… Well I am just curious.’
‘About me and Dracula? There is nothing going on there. We’re just good friends, in the kind of “I see him and run away” way.’ Willow tried to joke and move past the question.
‘Did you find him sexy?’ Tara repeated quietly.
‘Yes Okay. But he is a Dark Prince. You read the same things I did about him. His powers,’ Willow told Tara, not at all convinced this was the jealousy thing that she had first taken it for. Something else was at work here. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’ Nothing that I can tell you love. Nothing that you might think it is. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I can ever admit to you without breaking both our hearts. ‘Like I said. I am just curious.’
‘About who I find sexy?’ Willow asked.
‘Yes.’
‘You love. Just you,’ and it was true.
‘But I’m not all. You just admitted that. People, all people, find lots of other people sexy,’ Tara told her.
‘Like you and the Three Sisters,’ Willow joked referring once more to their research.
‘Like me and the Three Sisters.’ Tara played along with the humour. There had been something about the descriptions of them… But she only let herself be distracted for a second. It was all that she could manage right now. ‘But you have found…men… sexy before…’ Tara trailed off.
‘Yes.’
‘Xander, Oz, even Mr Giles, and others.’
‘Yes,’ Willow repeated.
Tara just lay there for a minute, unable to find an unambiguous was to say what it was that she wanted to. That she thought she should say. Bearing in mind the future. Unambiguous but not alarming either.
‘You’re worried that I might find a man sexier than you love?’ Willow asked, guessing.
Wrongly guessing as it turned out. But Tara didn’t even have time to respond before Willow moved to reassure her.
‘It’ll never happen love. There is no one sexier than you. And what is sexy anyway? That’s just eye candy. There is no one I could ever love more. No one I have found sexier or loved more than you. You’re my everything. Everything I ever want. Everything I ever need. Just everything. You know that. Don’t you?’ Willow was a little concerned now. This was so unlike Tara that it was like being here with someone else. It was like being here with the Tara she had first fallen in love with – the shy Tara. The one lacking in self-confidence and doubting her own worth. And that Tara had not put in an appearance for a long time now. Whilst it might be nice to have her visit she preferred her Tara.
‘I know that. I’m not worried about that at all. I’m not really worried about anything.’ Anything about Willow’s love anyway. ‘I’m just, you know, curious. I know you love me, never feel that I doubt you. You show me that you find me sexy as often as I could ever need you to. I was just curious what you felt about other people. Just curious,’ Tara promised her. She had far bigger concerns creeping up on her with all the stealth of a rhinoceros running around in big room full of noisy stuff than jealousy or any stupid doubt about Willow’s sexuality. She knew Willow. There was no doubt.
‘So why now?’
‘Huh?’
‘Why,’ Willow asked, ‘are you curious now?’ Something was really getting to Tara. Something… else. It wasn't so late but her love had a lecture in the morning to go to – and she never missed. And she hated to be tired at them… determined to make the best of her opportunities. “Whilst I have them,” Tara had said once. Good attitude but it had sounded sort of resigned. So what had caused her to ask that question now when they should be snuggled up and falling asleep? Perhaps I just took her away from sleepiness, Willow rationalised.
‘No reason,’ and that was a lie. Tara hated herself for it. But what could she say? She couldn’t tell Willow what was going on in her head… not fully anyway. But as Willow had said it wasn't right to keep secrets either…
‘Tara…’ It was a request and Willow knew she sounded suitably hurt to get the truth from her love. She knew that Tara was hiding something from her, but figured that if Tara had let her see and hear that there was something then it wasn't like she was really trying to hide it so she didn’t have to be afraid – or really hurt. Perhaps Tara needed her to wangle it out of her… like she had felt about her Giles secret. Perhaps the secret inside Tara was whispering to her too.
‘I just worry about you love.’
Oh my. That was not the answer Willow had been expecting at all. What sort of reason started like that? Not a happy one. Not one you could laugh off. One that was undeniably true though. ‘Worry? About me… why?’
‘Things happen,’ Tara told her. ‘Things happen all the time.’ Though she had only one thing in her mind. What else?
‘Things?’ Willow asked.
‘Things. Anything. Nothing in particular. Just things, you know?’
‘Yeah, I know.’ And Willow did know. Things did happen. Things like falling in love with the most beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman in the world. She told Tara that.
Tara closed her eyes to hold back the beginnings of what might have become tears. She wasn't about to let Willow see that because she had to agree with that one – at least in reverse. But that was the whole problem wasn't it? What would happen to her beautiful sexy woman… after another “thing” had happened. A “thing” that couldn’t help but change everything. Ruin everything that they had. Everything that they could have had. Taken away the present, future and certainty. Left them both alone with just a shared past. Left Willow alone again…
No not quite alone.
Willow had friends. Good friends who would help her through it. Tara trusted them to do that – even after what Willow had suggested she had felt the last time. With Oz. But Tara knew they would help her – they were all closer now than they had been then. She wasn't so afraid for Willow because of worrying how she would get through it. And she would eventually get through it. She was a strong woman with good friends.
I wonder if I will even have the ability to care whether she does or not, Tara asked herself.
Maybe it would be better not to have that feeling… when it has happened. To be haunted and plagued by it. But her concerns were not for herself. Not yet.
‘Other things than that. Bad things. Things that separate people even when they don’t want them to. Especially when they don’t want them to. Things you can’t stop.’ Was that too much? Tara asked herself.
And Willow got it. ‘You mean like your mother?’ she asked.
Oh by the goddess… she couldn’t guess. She couldn’t know. But could Willow have guessed? Not already…
‘When she died you lost her and you couldn’t do anything about it.’ Willow told her love that and was gratified to see Tara let her breath go as if she had been holding it in.
Willow thought she had it. But though she was wrong it would suffice. It wasn't a lie unless you actually told it and she didn’t want to lie to Willow anymore tonight. Not unless she had to hide the painful reality. So she stayed silent.
‘I’m not going anywhere love. I’m not sick. You’re not sick. Neither of us is going anywhere. We’re in love.’ Willow just had a dreadful thought based on what had brought them to this point. This wasn't about her leaving Tara alone. It was about Tara leaving her alone. ‘You’re not sick?’ A question this time. A plea. ‘Are you?’
‘No love. I’m not sick.’ I’m just going to turn into a filthy demon and have to leave you forever. To protect you from what I will be then. Even though I will still love you. To protect the world. Even though I don’t give a fig about the world right now. Just you. ‘I’m fine.’ All that accepted, it was just curiosity. A desire to know. And for Willow to know something too.
‘Then… are you afraid of something happening whilst we are helping out Buffy?’ Willow asked, following the logical roots of this concern that was blighting Tara.
‘No. That’s not it – though I do worry about you when you are out there. But I trust you to come back to me. I trust you all to look out for each other and make sure nothing happens – to any of you.’
‘Then…?’ Willow asked
‘Things do happen love. Even when we don’t want them to.’ Let Willow think she was still talking about her mother if she liked. Maybe in some ways she was, but her mother had been married even before the demon came for her. She had already found her love and was able to keep him – because he already knew. I won’t even have that. Could I have it? If I were to tell this loving woman? No… that was not an option. ‘And I just want you to be happy if it ever does. That’s all. I just wondered what sort of person it would be with…’ Goddess that was depressing. ‘Just please don’t tell me you know who with exactly,’ Tara forced the joke to try to lighten the mood once more and alleviate Willow’s obvious fears.
‘There is no one else for me. Just you,’ Willow told her firmly. ‘No one.’
That was not what Tara wanted to hear. Maybe if she didn’t have this demon shaped monkey on her back then those might be the perfect words but not now. She knew Willow loved her. She wanted to know that Willow knew that she could, one day, love someone else. With her blessing. She didn’t want Willow to be alone. She didn’t want to have this conversation again or else Willow would know something more was wrong. Tara needed to know. She needed Willow to know that now so that when it did happen then her flame haired love would understand what she had meant… and maybe then she could get on and be happy in the future. Willow had to be happy.
Even if it can’t be with me.
Or it was all for nothing unless Willow could be happy. The self-sacrifice was all for Willow. Damn the world. It was just for Willow.
‘If it came to it love, then there has to be.’ I don’t want you to be alone. I will handle the loneliness for both of us. Tara finally looked at Willow and found her looking right back at her. Tara had looked to convince Willow that she meant it, but instead all she found was that she was frightening her love with what Willow assumed to be morbid talk. It was good that Willow thought that only death could separate them.
But Tara knew better.
But she also knew that she could not press the point. It was not fair. It was not right. On either of them. On the time they had left. They had to make the best that they could of that. This wasn't helping. This could very easily make things harder.
‘I just want you to know. I mean this is a dangerous town… where bad things happen… that if anything, you know, happened… too me… then you have to be h-happy. With whoever that is. You just have to be happy. That’s all that will matter. Just remember that love – if it ever did. Happen I mean.’ Tara could see that it was now Willow who was approaching tears and Tara could not bear that. So she lied again. She had to.
She leaned in and placed a kiss on Willow’s lips. ‘But nothing will happen love. You’re right I was just thinking about my mother… you know what that does to me.’ That at least was true.
The tears did not start to flow from Willow’s eyes and Tara was glad of that. Sealed with a kiss perhaps. So glad that she was able to avoid reaction to Willow’s next statement.
‘And if anything happens to me. Then the same. For you,’ Willow told Tara with a fervour borne of her emotions.
Tara smiled. She could smile. It was a promise that she would never have to make good on – even if she wanted to. Which she didn’t. Everything Willow had told her about being the only one… it was all true the other way too.
‘Let’s just see that nothing happens,’ Willow continued.
Tara nodded at her and pulled her close into a clinch that would not break until morning and gave Willow another kiss.
How can I let this woman go? Tara asked herself that for the thousandth time. Was there an option? Was there a choice? Was there a way to beat her future? Should she even try? Those were questions she had avoided… not asked so much.
But how can I let this woman go if I don’t at least try?
The light went out again but holding each other it didn’t seem to be a dark place. It never did. Willow’s voice spoke out of the shadows. ‘Bet you can’t wangle my secret out of me.’
Live for the moment and all…
‘Bet?’ Sealed with more than a kiss then.
-----------
Endnote: The first person who read this sort of went “huh?” part way through. Just to be clear Tara in this fic is not questioning Willow’s sexuality. (Nor am I!) It’s just another of those badly worded questions that people sometimes ask. Personally I am of the opinion that this is a non-issue - even in “Tough Love” Tara is not questioning this – she just gets angry and sidetracked in response to Willow’s own anger and evasion of Tara's concerns about magic in that episode. Unfortunately I feel that I have to put this sort of note on because I don’t trust my language skills to get it across in the fic as clearly as I can here and do not want to give any hint of the wrong impression. It would spoil the mood I am trying to build.
K.
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She's my always
IP: Logged
Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
IP: Logged
I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
IP: Logged
Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
IP: Logged
posted October 16, 2001 14:14 It's a good thing these two can reach the light from the bed otherwise there'd be several uncomfortable trips back and forth in the dark.Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
IP: Logged
posted October 17, 2001 06:42 I understood where you were coming from and didn't at all get the impression that you were questioning willow's sexuality. This chapter was purely about Tara's secret and I think you worded it perfectly! Another enthralling installment......well done!!I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
by Forrister » Tue Oct 16, 2001 11:14 am
Seriously though, I really did enjoy this bit. Angsty pillow talk - gotta love it.
(By the way, that idea was there all the time, I just stuck a sign on it that said 'Oi!')
Nosce te ipsum, audi partem alteram.
(Know thyself, hear the other side.)
by legend » Wed Oct 17, 2001 3:42 am
I obsess over this story, and am caught up in it...hook, line and sinker!
by Chance » Wed Oct 17, 2001 10:30 am
Okay, I digress! I apologize immensely.
Katharyn, your work is amazing. Captivating, actually. I've been following it since the beginning, and I'm totally hooked. Thanks.
-Chance.
by Katharyn » Wed Oct 17, 2001 10:51 am
quote:
Originally posted by Chance:
But you know what problem I always had with Tara's secret? Willow dated a werewolf, Xander dates a (now ex-) demon who screwed around with his life, Buffy dated a vampire. I dunno, it just seems to me she could have told her. But I guess that's fear...
Thanks for the support.
Chance I sort of agreed with you when I was thinking about this and coming parts, but eventually I figured that Tara has been told that she will be evil as a demon - which is the difference. That is not something that has occurred before. OK Angel changed but then Buffy killed him - not a great example for Tara - the others have all been intrinsically good, or ok, by the time they got involved. Tara was looking at, as I saw it, being dominated by the demon,controlled by it. Plus there was the thing of not being open, not revealing it from the start. The secret was not important until they had a future and by then it had grown so much that she couldn't tell without possibly losing W's trust and losing that future with it. Yeah as you say fear.
Actually the biggest problem with Tara's fears as I saw them was how she had perceived her own mother. She was 17 when her mother died, plenty old enough to have recognised that the "demon" wasn't affecting the ability to love Tara - who was clearly (IMHO) close to her when she died. By the time Tara was old enough to form memories of her parents etc (say 3+) then her mother would (more than likely) have been a "demon" in the eyes of the Family. Tara can;t have seen the "bad" side (which wasn't there) but why should she fear it so? Perhaps if she had looked at that example rather than what she was told... well then there would have been no drama and nothing to write about...
I'll stop now as I may be giving too much of my thoughts for the future parts away.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 17, 2001).]
quote:by Katharyn » Thu Oct 18, 2001 9:45 pm
Enjoy
K
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Shifts (Part 35)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive Criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Buffy v’s Dracula.” Referral to material from “Family” as usual.
Summary: Tara’s perceptions change. Step 2 in exploring Tara’s concerns.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: The whole of reality is altered with the coming of Dawn - and Tara notices. Well she notices something. What it is she has no idea, she won’t link it to Dawn and then she will forget she was ever aware of it at all. But for some reason I think it is important to include this one. Hopefully you will see why. And yeah, another Tara angsty story where she is perhaps feeling a touch sorry for herself – but why not given what she believes will happen?
Thanks To: Kerry for digging me out of a hole of my own making – it wasn't even a trench. L. Just L.
The Beginnings Cycle
Shifts
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara was supposed to be working. This assignment wasn't, as the saying went, going to write itself –though in Sunnydale you could always hope. The world didn’t stop just because some new vampire came to town – even if it was Dracula. Well, at least not this time. The whole Scooby thing… it sucked your time away. Which wasn't a bad thing. It was important stuff, probably there often wasn't much more important stuff going on anywhere in the world. But sometimes it could make the rest of life hard to get on with. Sometimes she just had to say no and get on with her studies, or a lecture or whatever it was that made demands of her. Besides even though she wanted to help with the important scooby stuff, she wasn't sure it was wise.
It wasn't like she was an official Scooby anyway. She was just a hanger on. Which was also ok. That was just fine with her. It was far enough in to be scared out of your wits pretty regularly, but not far enough to have to actually watch Willow in danger too often. Would she be there other than for Willow? Would she, if she had found about the Scoobies in some other way, have joined them? Helped them? She didn’t think so – she wouldn’t have anything to offer. She wasn't really action gal, much as some small part of her might like to be. Could be, maybe, if…
But then neither were Willow and Anya, nor was Xander action-guy. And Mr Giles… He was British. But they… they all seemed to want to be involved. Even the previously self-obsessed ex-demon’s amongst them. They wanted to help in any way that they could. And helping was good. For everyone. And she did want to be useful. Not to prove anything – even to herself. Just to be. Before it was all too late and she became what it was that they were fighting. Maybe it was a karmic balancing act she was attempting. Get all the positives in before she became the scoobies’ very definition of a negative. A demon. But action wasn't her way. She’d tried it and the only way that she could be action gal, well the payoff wasn't worth the risks. The darkness was already stretching out its claw to her and it wanted to take her – swallow her whole. She knew that soon it would. Why hasten the process? Why risk the change before she had to? Why risk hurting anyone? She couldn’t bear that. To be the cause of pain.
That would be the worst thing. To hurt someone. But there was one person that she would be hurting anyway. The one she wanted to hurt least of all.
And could she be certain that it would wait? This thing that she was on the inside. It might not wait until the appointed day to escape confinement. It didn’t always. It had waited for her mother’s birthday but that was the only basis for the belief that it would wait for her own. In previous generations it had sometimes emerged earlier – though never later than that milestone. Tara supposed that she was lucky that it was waiting for the anniversary of her birth this time.
Was it just her birth though? Had something else been born with her or was it one eternal demon? No one knew. They just knew it had to be controlled, restricted. Prevented from doing harm.
She was glad though that she had this time to be happy. She had waited for so long in her life to be happy that she had to be glad that she had those extra precious months. She couldn’t know when the thing might come… but in the meantime she had to live. She had to be with Willow despite the dangers. That was the one chance she had to take. It was selfish, but so what? She was going to do the selfless thing when she had to. She was going to give it all up to protect… everyone from the demon she would be. But for now Willow was all that she had. Willow was all that she had and she had to keep her as long as possible – even at the cost of a little selfishness.
The Scoobies. She didn’t have them. They were nice to her but with the exception of Anya, whom she was closer to, they were not what she would regard as firm friends. More friends than all but a very few people had ever been to her, but they were really Willow’s friends. Not hers. Not yet at least. That was as far as she felt it seemed to go. They were uncertain about her and she was no less uncertain about them if she was perfectly honest with herself. She thought that she could really get to like them as her own friends in time – and maybe the reverse was true. Maybe. That was up to them. But time was what she did not have available to her. Not much anyway, not enough to have the luxury of worrying about that.
Even with Anya could she be sure that it was not just her curiosity at work that had drawn her to the woman – about what it was to be a demon? Not that she had ever asked Anya anything about that sort of thing. She had wanted to, but she had always been afraid that to show curiosity might be to reveal her own nature. Even though the other Scoobies talked to her about it all the time.
Other Scoobies? Sometimes she slipped and thought of herself that way. As belonging when she couldn’t.
Perhaps it was even that she was curious about Anya the woman – rather than Anyanka the demon. Anya who seemed to be very much in the same boat as she was. They both loved Scoobies. And neither of them really had any other friends yet. Was that all that had pulled them together? Considering how new their own friendship was they were doing okay. Tara supposed that they were a support mechanism for each other.
Who am I to judge what makes people friends anyway? Not a great track record to look back on was there?
What else was there? Who else was there? There was Willow and Anya. Not much to show for a life was it? Almost twenty years. Two people I can say I really care about. And my family of course, she added quickly in her thoughts. Back home… there was one person who had been a friend. Maybe should have been more. But that opportunity had long since gone down the river and that was a good thing too – because it had allowed her to be with her Willow.
So Willow, Anya… her family. Her family would do their best for her. For the whole rest of her life they would be there to control her and in return she would try her best to care for them, when her condition allowed her to. She would, at least, have a purpose in life and people who cared for her. But what else was there for her there, at home? Nothing. But she deserved nothing. She was a filthy demon.
No. Not yet. She wasn't that yet. She would be. That was her future but not yet the present.
What else was there but Willow and Anya then that would stop me from doing what I should?
Should? Must.
Am I actually searching for reasons not to go home and live my life as I must? The realisation that she was doing just that was a blinding flash of clarity. No. She had to go. What choice was there? It wasn't even duty. It was necessary. For everyone. For anyone here who meant anything to her it was vital that she left before she hurt anyone. Those she cared about were most at risk… because they were the closest.
But for clarity to deliver that message… that “maybe.” That “should.” There could be a maybe… Maybe. But clarity was as swiftly saying that wasn't true. Too much clarity it was hurting her head.
As the clarity ran through her mind, something else ripped in there right alongside it. Swamping it. All her senses seemed to switch to overload.
There was a green flash that, a bit like being dazzled by a lamp shining straight into her eyes after perfect darkness but the lighting had not changed at all. The explosion of pretty colours and lingering shape as it coalesced to a form faintly like a person’s head.
But there was nothing to see. It was all in her head.
There was a smell, a sweet smell, like a faint whiff of fragrant soap or shower gel.
But there was nothing to smell. It was all in her head.
There was sound… like a thousand shouting voices telling her things that she... She what? That she already knew. Each voice was indistinct but all were still there. But where did she know them from – these facts? She couldn’t remember where she had learnt the things they were quite unnecessarily telling her. Then that came to her to. It was just stuff that had happened. Nothing special. Stuff from the last year.
But there was nothing to hear other than her own thumping heartbeat. The rest was in her head.
There was a tingling in her fingertips, an ache in her thumb.
But there was nothing to touch. It was all in her head.
There was… something in her mind.
But there was… oh by the goddess it couldn’t be coming. No, not yet. Not before she had chance to see Willow. To explain. To say how sorry she was.
It couldn’t be so soon.
I’m not ready.
Willow… I love you and I’m sorry, she thought plaintively, hoping that her love would feel it.
And then it was gone… was it gone? Was what gone?
What was she even thinking about? She should be working… harder than she was.
Where had she been? Not doing her work as she should be doing. The books on her desk stared back at her just as they had before. Not a page turned. Shame there is no one who could whisper them all to her and let her mind drink in the facts. Now that was a strange thought to have. Besides she didn’t think Willow would appreciate a sleep learning tape whilst they were in bed together. She could wake up knowing all sorts of useless stuff. Won’t be much use to me either – the very definition of useless if I go back home.
She wondered then if Dawny was doing her schoolwork, she was sure that Buffy’s sister had mentioned her own essay when they had last met up. Not that she needed any help - even if Tara had been studying something that Dawn was also doing. That was a shame, she would have liked to help someone with their schoolwork again. She had been good at it once. But Dawn was way beyond that. She picked up knowledge like a sponge. When she got to college that girl would be better than Willow was. She was smart and quick. And fun to be around. Kind of like the little sister everyone wanted to have. Well everyone but Buffy, who had to live with her. None of them had a sister. Funny that. You had a group of people and no-one – well only Buffy had a sister. Tara was the only one to have a sibling – other than Buffy of course.
Not that Tara would have wanted a sister in the Maclay family circumstances. No one should have to share her fate. If she had anything to say in it, no one would have to repeat her fate in the future. By being alone, forever she could stop it. She could stop it dead. As her service to the future. But it was kind of nice to have someone like Dawn around. To pretend a little.
How could she have forgotten Dawny in her impossible plotting? Reasons to stay in Sunnydale. Willow… of course would have been enough in her own right but for the dangers. Anya… and Dawn. It would have been nice to watch Dawn grow up a bit more and do well as Tara knew she would. Maybe Dawn would write to her… if her absence was explained properly. Maybe Dawn could keep an eye on Willow for her? But did she really want to know, when she was alone back home, how bad Willow was feeling – and one day that Willow would find someone else? She wanted Willow to be happy, but did she really want to know? Maybe Dawn shouldn’t write her about that sort of thing… not details anyway.
Anyway that would all mean telling Dawn the truth – when she had to. Who should she tell? And when? She was going to have to tell Willow eventually. But not yet…
What would be best for that? Best? To tell her love a few days before so that they could make what they could of the time they had left? Or would Willow fight it? Of course she would fight… She was so strong that she would always fight. Always. Willow would struggle to find a way around it, past it, to stop it. She was a Scooby, it was what they did. And when Willow failed to do achieve that goal we would have lost all of that time.
But maybe she could she do it? Could Willow find a way? Stupid question. There was no way. Her female ancestors must have tried it… mustn’t they?
Or she could tell Willow at the last moment. Live every moment before that to the full and then try to make it clean. Harsh, yeah. Painful, obviously. But clean and with as much time as she could find together first. Maybe that was the way. But how could she say goodbye like that?
How could she say goodbye?
Do I have to Mommy?
It was funny how she had always been closer to Dawn than to Buffy, her elder sister. It was more weird than funny. Maybe it was because Dawn understands me a bit better, Tara wondered. She wasn’t at all sure that Buffy really got Wicca as anything but an occasionally useful tool in her war against evil. If you couldn’t hit it then Buffy wasn't really as into it as a solution as she might have been – which again was fine. It took all sorts to solve the problems they all faced and usually the physical solution seemed to go a long way. It had served Slayers for thousands of years so it must be doing something right. Dawn though seemed far more impressed with Wicca than the slayer and the other scoobies were. Interested even. But she and Dawn were alike in that way. Mind over muscle. It could be down to sisterly rivalry but Dawn didn’t seem even as impressed with the Slayer as Tara was. Guess that was down to having to grow up in the same house. She had never been very impressed with Donny either - who had his own qualities that had been hard to see when you were in the same house.
Even Will was willing to hit or stake something when necessary. If the Scoobies felt that they had to do something to stop me, wondered Tara would it be Willow who did the deed? Because if they thought that was necessary and I could control myself… I wouldn’t stop them.
I wouldn’t try. Because if Willow could let them do that then it would be the right thing and she trusted Willow to do what was right.
That was another thing Dawn didn’t give a hoot about her and Willow’s relationship. Dawn was aware of it, Tara knew that, it was just never an issue to the young teenager. Could you have a generation gap in the same generation? The other Scoobies you couldn’t say the same for. Not because they were at all opposed to the relationship, but just because, she thought, it just wasn’t quite the same Willow to them. It was a new and different Willow and perhaps they weren’t sure yet whether it was an improvement.
Tara knew better, like Dawn she knew it was the real Willow. That nothing had changed other than the direction in which her affections so blessedly ran.
Dawn had got that straight away. She had been the first – even before Willow told Buffy, Dawn had figured it out. Smart cookie. Why hadn’t the others? Dawn had known Willow just as long as any of the Scoobies bar Xander. But she had always had some of her own friends – which was a great thing. Tara knew what it was to lack friends and Dawn would never have that problem. Maybe Dawn, sitting outside the Scooby crowd, not so caught up in it, could see a little more clearly and not worry about it. But everyone was better now than they had been. There was no tension… it was just a sensation that people were unsure what they could or should say around her – which had made her try too hard sometimes and confused them even more. Dawn, like Anya but for less demony reasons, had a youthful directness, which meant that she would do and say whatever it was that she wanted to… or at least what she thought she could get away with.
What is it with me and liking people who take charge of their own destiny, she wondered? Opposites… I can never take charge.
Yeah Dawn just didn’t give a hoot. And that was nice – for someone not to care. Not to think about it.
Dawn was something special. She would miss Dawn too if she had to go.
If?
Surely when.
‘Lost in your books love?’
Tara nearly jumped out of her skin when Willow spoke to her. She twisted in the chair.
‘Uh… j-just thinking sweetie. I didn’t hear you come in,’ Tara told her, glad that Willow was here.
‘I wasn't being sneaky Willow.’
‘I-I was just thinking. Caught up for a minute.’
Willow looked at Tara appraisingly, wondering what had caused her love to regress to her slight stammer, concerned. But perhaps it was just surprise. ‘I’m sorry I made you jump,’ she said as she came over to Tara and stood behind the chair, stroking Tara’s hair and ears.
Can’t there be an “if”? Please Mommy? Let there be an “if” for me.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 19, 2001).]
by delany » Thu Oct 18, 2001 10:34 pm
dell
by Katharyn » Thu Oct 18, 2001 11:10 pm
quote:
Originally posted by delany:
i got a long way to try and catch up so i'm being really naughty and reading bits here and there
Hey Delany, if you are jumping around to read bits without having time to start at the beginning then the following may help:
Part 1-8 Are pretty much Tara coming to realise she (may/does)love Willow. Angsty.
Parts 9-14 Are pretty much Willow feeling for Tara. Yup more Angst
Parts 15-21 is the buildup to New Moon Rising. Be advised part 21 is pretty explicit and is the pay off for alot more angst. If you don't want the explicit version there is a "fade out" shorter version I can e-mail to you.
Parts 22-26 finish off Season 4 and see's Tara and Anya become friends. Not so much angst.
Parts 27-33 Are summer vacation stories, largely "fluff" that doesn't advance the story much but has much less angst.
Part 34 starts the final buildup to Family, in the aftermath of which the cycle will end to be picked up a later date.
The section descriptions as shown above are not precise but rather a broadly accurate category.
Glad to hear you are enjoying it.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited October 19, 2001).]
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