IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
by xita » Sun Sep 02, 2001 3:08 pm
IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
by Katharyn » Sun Sep 02, 2001 3:18 pm
As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
by rocketdyke » Sun Sep 02, 2001 4:35 pm
thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
by nika » Sun Sep 02, 2001 5:24 pm
by Katharyn » Mon Sep 03, 2001 10:09 am
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
by Katharyn » Tue Sep 04, 2001 10:33 am
K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Reactions. (Currently Part 17)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Where the Wild Things Are”
Summary: After the events of “Where the Wild Things Are” where Tara, reacting to the events and emotions of the haunted house snapped at Willow and was, apparently at that moment, disgusted by both her and their relationship - but before the final scene of that episode which occurs the next day.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 with smoochies.
Couples: W/T
Notes: Though this is essentially a “Where the Wild Things Are” story it is really the initial build-up to “New Moon Rising” with the some passionate smoochies!
Thanks To: L – she’s the answer to my questions.
The Beginnings Cycle
Reactions
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Another late night.’ Tara looked up at the cloudless sky, the myriad of stars visible, the moon a shallow crescent. ‘And another evening filled with…er…well…’
‘Ghosties. Poltergeists. Houses - Haunted Houses.’ Willow finished. ‘It’s a good job you’re a witch or you might be totally freaked out.’ She smiled. ‘All in all another quiet night in Sunnydale.’ True enough. No one had died, just about though there had been unplanned hair loss, and it hadn’t been threatening to end the world or anything. On a scale of one to ten was ending of the world actually happening and one was, well it not – not too bad.
Tara was still gazing up at the moon, trusting Willow to guide her by the hand along the dimly lit path back to her dorm. ‘Don’t you love the moon on nights like this?’ Caught up in the pure white glow of that arc across a part of the sky. Reading the shapes within the features of that satellite just as she read the stars – unconventionally. All in all she was not big on convention.
‘Just so long as it isn’t full.’ Willow murmured under her breath but not taking that thought any further.
‘Huh? Did you say something?’ Tara was still entranced by the moonlight. Somehow it was just right to be here now. After what had gone before the pure unadulterated moon and starlight made things so much simpler and clearer. Having those thoughts and emotions in her head – put there by that house – had been a terrible thing. Hearing herself curse Willow, reject her. Upset her. Knowing she was doing it and not being able to stop herself or do anything about it. Like a puppet. Was that what it was like, would be like, to be possessed? It had been all she could manage to get up and leave Willow there, on the stairs. Neither up nor down. In the middle. Hadn’t there been a song about that? She needed some clarity and simplicity to deal with those thoughts.
‘No.’ Oz related mutterings were not a “something” they were just habit… and annoying at that. ‘At least we got do a spell…helped out. We kicked ass,’ Willow was proud of that. That Giles had accepted Tara’s presence and trusted her to lead the casting of the binding spell without really knowing her. That they had helped. And that Tara had once again proven herself to be far more knowledgeable and powerful than she would ever admit to. And most of all that Tara was one of the gang at last – even if the full truth wasn’t yet revealed. The truth about them. That she is my girlfriend – more than that the woman I love.
‘Shame we couldn’t hold it a bit longer’ Tara herself was still doubting her value to this group she had been sucked into through Willow – a gang that saved the world as often as they had meetings... When had there ever been an option? When had anyone asked her to help? When had anyone asked if she wanted to? It made her uncomfortable, but perhaps that was just exposing herself to these people who knew Willow so much better than she did… and yet not well enough to know everything she did. Hadn’t they always managed without her? Wouldn’t they have managed tonight somehow? That Mr Giles seemed to know what he was doing and he could have helped Willow after some research. Though it was hard to make a circle with two… that was more of a line – but three was just a triangle, no matter how you sat. ‘Or spot it sooner, what was going on. Before… things were said.’
Willow squeezed the other woman’s hand. ‘Stop looking up there and look at me a minute.’
Tara needed little invitation to do that and did as she was told, stopping, and meeting Willow’s gaze, reading the concerns that flitted across that face. ‘Your bothered about what I said? In the house?’ Tara asked.
They could see by now what the other was thinking, feeling, what they were about to say and Tara could see that something was eating at Willow. Worries.
‘No, no not bothered exactly. Concerned. That’s what I am. Concerned, yes, just in case that the house might just have made you say something that you were already feeling. You know… that it was disgusting. Us that is. Deep down you don’t think that do you, somewhere hidden in the ugly place that we all have? We are disgusting? Are we?’ Willow knew it was unreasonable but when she had heard Tara say those words her heart felt like it was being smashed through her chest down into her stomach with a hammer blow. After making a decision to give herself to this young woman to be condemned by the lips that had kissed her so tenderly was almost more than she could take. Without witnessing that drowning ghost she might have stayed in that bathroom and started to sniffle. It had been that bad. Only adrenaline had stopped that. She knew now what and how Tara had felt waiting for her to make her decision about them. The reactions Tara had feared in her when things were so uncertain.
‘No Willow. We are…’ Tara searched for the right word. ‘Right. We’re absolutely right for each other. You for me and me for you.’ She touched Willow’s face. ‘It was just the house. Just the house and that is all. I have no feelings like that, no guilt, no fear, certainly no disgust – none at all. How could I be disgusted at anything this beautiful.’ And she wasn’t just talking about the face that she stroked. ‘But I think perhaps that you still do find some doubts in that ugly place. Nothing like that – but something.’
‘No. I don’t. I am doubt free. See me, free of doubts.’ Willow objected and saw Tara just looking back at her. ‘Well I don’t have any doubts…well not exactly. Sometimes I just wonder if it is all too fast, or too slow or…’ she tailed off.
‘Or…?’ Tara asked
‘Or…I don’t know. Maybe you are right. I do have doubts but never about you, or even us. Just stuff. But I have doubts about everything. That’s me. Doubting. Always. Just call me Willow Thomas. I doubted that I would pass my exams even though I was acing the classes. I doubted that I could fight vampires and bad guys and demons even though I was doing it already. I doubted that I could love a werewolf even though I knew I loved Oz…’ Willow tailed off again.
Always back to that. Oz. It was understandable and Tara accepted it, knew that was where the doubts were springing from. ‘That’s it isn’t it? Oz.’ Her tone was not accusing, not angry or even sad. Just realistic. ‘You never really had to let him go, he just left. When we met and got to know each other I fill that gap in your life. An Oz shaped gap.’
‘Your not the same shape as Oz.’ Willow tried to make a joke, not really wanting to get into what was still a painful subject – especially not with this person who deserved better than to be dragged through her ongoing Oz thoughts. The person who had heaved her out of that mire of self-pity and pain. Who was a shape far from Oz’s.
A wonderful shape.
A shape she was really getting to know and she wanted to get to know better.
Tara ignored that joke, pressed ahead, certain that this was the moment, here under the stars to lay another ghost, or a wolf, to rest – or at least to start to. ‘You know what I mean Willow.’
Willow nodded.
Tara carried on. ‘I filled that gap then and we moved on from there. But I think you worry that you have never had to really make a choice. I don’t mean between me and Oz, I mean between me and anything else. I was just there when you needed me – and when I needed you…and I will continue to be there.’ She rushed to add that last as Willow’s face cracked into distress at the thought of Tara leaving…as Oz had. ‘But I just slipped into that g-gap and that is where “we” came from and maybe you think that one day someone or something else might want my place in your heart. Then you will have to think about it. Only then will you know for certain whether I am all that you want. And only then will you stop doubting. Whether you doubt us, or just yourself.’
‘I don’t doubt you Tara or us. You know that.’
‘I do know that. If you doubted me then I don’t think you would let me be with you. that’s your nature, like you said, you’re a worrier. If you were doubting me you would never have allowed “us” to happen. No Willow, you doubt yourself, your motives and your desires. And you know the worst thing? It’s not that you doubt it’s that I realise it and that means that, somewhere in my mind I have a tiny little piece of me that holds back too. I don’t want to. My heart and my soul they are yours, but that little piece of my brain I hold back. I hate it. But I can’t help it. Until the time you finally are certain that you choose me and choose us over everything and everyone else, then I can never be totally sure either. We both have doubts.’ The look on Willow’s face right then stopped her. She had not meant to explore what she thought to Willow’s face – it wasn’t fair. Because Willow had been right, whilst it had seemed so slow it was painful it was in fact fast, tornado fast and they had come so far so quickly that she couldn’t believe that those last doubts would fail to evaporate soon. ‘But that’s ok… because we are doing good and one day you will accept it is me you want to spend your life with.’ Tara finished ending with a positive dream that she had, determined not to spoil the night with more lecturing. She set off again, pulling Willow with her by the hand. ‘Come on.’ As she pulled she broke into a skipping run, slipping Willow’s hand as the other just stood there and though shocked by Tara’s frankness was reduced to laughing at her love skipping in the starlight. Tara stopped a short distance away, turned back and came skipping back. ‘Got you to smile Will.’
‘Serious chatty time over then?’ Willow guessed not wanting to here more of this, knowing that this woman was right, reading her like a open book. With very large print. That she did doubt herself. She knew that she loved Tara. She knew that Tara knew it. But there was always that unresolved issue. That despite it all she still loved one other person too. At least she thought she did.
But Tara seemed to have skipped ahead in the pages of the Willow book and read the final chapter of first volume… Tara knew that they would be together. Which was more than good.
‘Yeah. I think that’s all the angst I c-can give out for one night,’ Tara took Willow’s hand again. Not leading this time, just holding as they crossed the road into the campus. ‘Sorry.’
‘So now we get to have cake?’ Willow asked, looking forward.
‘You ate all the cake last night,’ Tara pointed out in reply in a mock severe tone.
‘No cake?’ Willow sounded disappointed.
‘Nope. No cake. Guess that means you don’t want to come back huh?’ Tara gestured to the signpost indicating the different directions to their respective halls. It wasn’t even an issue, Willow had been sticking with her like glue since she had been attacked and she certainly wasn’t about to let Willow cross campus alone after delivering her to her door.
‘Well…seen as it’s you.’ Willow squeezed Tara’s hand and felt the gesture reciprocated. ‘But usually I will want cake. Or donuts. Jelly donuts.’
Time to broach another subject. ‘Willow?’
‘Yes?’
‘W-what are you doing in the vacation – the summer one?’ Tara asked.
‘What the thought of three months without me upsets you?’ Willow asked without thinking what she was saying and without even seeing Tara’s slightly distressed face realised just what it was she was asking. ‘Wait….three months? Way too much free time….Uh…. Too much time apart.’ She didn’t want free time. She wanted her time filled. She turned to look at Tara’s face again. ‘You have an idea how to fill some of that time?’
‘Well…’
‘Are you getting back to the horses again? You know the big ponies… arm eating. Pony peril. These are not my favourite things.’ Willow shook living for a moment in the memory of that party. ‘After tadpoles, frogs, academic failure, big hairy spiders and public nudity and performance…ponies are my biggest fear. Like I said I worry.’
Tara laughed. ‘No. I had just about given up on the horses – unless I can convince you I would keep you safe?’
‘I already know that. I’m sure of it. I’m just not sure that the horses know that,’ Willow replied. ‘I know, I know…I’m a big bundle of insecurities. I should probably get a big basket to keep them all in.’
Tara leaned over and kissed her friend on the cheek. ‘I kind of like your insecurities.’
‘Love me for my faults? That’s kind of dumb.’ But sweet.
‘They’re what make you…well you. You’re the sum of your parts and they are part of you. And you being you is what makes me yours’ Tara replied shyly.
That blew Willow away…again. She’d heard it before from this wonderful young woman and somehow the impact was always as great when Tara found another way to say it, to slip it into a conversation. Impulsively she returned Tara’s peck on the cheek with a slightly more lingering joining of their lips, neither of them seeing where they were ambling until she walked smack into a bench. At which Tara just cracked up and had to stop and sit on the offending resting spot.
‘Hey! Bruised shin here. Not funny.’ Willow moaned, sitting next to Tara.
‘I’m sorry,’ Tara eventually said through the mirth. The other woman leaned forward and rubbed the shin from ankle to knee as Willow looked at the stars that had been fascinating Tara before her lips took over. She could see why as Tara rubbed the sore shin better.
‘Actually it was my other shin,’ she eventually claimed a minute or so later. ‘And actually it was more above the knee’ she lied again. As instructed Tara’s gentle touch slid higher up the same leg rubbing at Willow’s lower thigh and then jumped across to the claimed injury. At the same time she kissed Willow’s neck and Willow left the stars to their own devices and turned into a kiss that could have melted icebergs. And it was not just an “injured” thigh that their hands sought out under the stars in those long minutes together on a roadside bench.
Hands in interesting places - though not totally new.
Eventually though, and slightly reluctantly, they parted and started off on their journey once more knowing that they could go no further yet. And even if they could the bench was not the place for that. Snuggles could wait until they returned to Tara’s room. And there would be snuggles. And maybe smoochies. Yes definitely smoochies too.
‘Should I get some more?’ Willow joked having brought their conversation back to her insecurities once more – because public affection didn’t seem to be one of them. Though at this hour there wasn’t a soul around. ‘I’m sure I could find some more if I applied myself.’
‘No. I think I can get by with what you already have.’ Tara smiled and in her turn brought the topic back around to the summer. ‘I would make the horse understand. Horses like me.’
And Willow knew with certainty that this woman would do just that. Would keep her safe and not just with the horses. ‘Ok. I’ll do it. I promise, during the summer we will go riding. But…are you going home? Is that what you mean…me visit you?’ Willow was very aware that neither of their parents knew of their relationship yet and was a little dubious of what the great Sheila and Ira would say – despite their typically phlegmatic ‘understanding’. She didn’t want to be quoted the percentage of college experimentation undertaken by young women or anything else. Not a statistic this was more than a statistic.
‘No!’ Tara looked embarrassed at the force of her reply. ‘No,’ she repeated more reasonably. ‘I’m not going home. I was going to get a part time job here in Sunnydale. Just enough to rent a room somewhere and feed myself. But leaving enough time for…’
‘Us. In the daytime? That will be a largely new experience. Sun. Ice cream. Daylight. Without lectures.’ Willow chose to ignore Tara’s vehement response, suspecting that the Mclay family would not be sympathetic to their daughter’s choice of… partner. I’m a partner. Yay. I have a partner.
I have a bit of a shelf and closet space too. What more could a gal want?
‘Yeah…and kind of the point’ Tara had to admit that their daytime contact had been somewhat limited, usually just meeting on campus between their different classes. In those weekends that had fallen between their realisation of affection and now, only a few had been spent together without interruption by studies or Hellmouthy stuff or the need to spend the day together indoors in one place, holding each other for long periods of time.
‘Next you’ll be asking me to hold frogspawn,’ Willow was vehemently hoping that was not on Tara’s list of “fun” things to do this summer…besides was it even the season for frogspawn? Shouldn’t she know that?
‘No. I think we can leave it at riding – for now. Unless you want to.’ There was that smile again.
‘No. I don’t want to. But I think if you asked me to…I might. For you.’ Willow knew in that moment that this woman could ask her to do anything and she might just do it. ‘Don’t I say the sweetest things?’
‘Oh yes. Very romantic.’
‘Well ok, not the frogspawn, but I think -’ Willow paused, Tara looking on expectantly. ‘- I think that I am nearly ready to do just about anything for you.’ The longer the sentence went on the quieter her voice became, making it obvious that the words had a great deal more significance than was apparent on the surface. Those minutes on the bench had affected her more than she had known but in a good, good way.
Tara stopped dead, within sight of her dorm now. ‘For m-me?’ She looked straight in Willow’s eyes as the other young woman raised her eyes from their traditional slightly downcast line to meet her gaze.
Willow could feel that gaze reading her. Confirmed what her eyes and her soul were wanting to tell Tara. ‘With you. Nearly. I think.’
‘No Willow your not. Not yet.’ Tara replied wistfully wishing it were as true as Willow thought it was.
‘Yes, yes I am. Look at me, ready and well…willing.’ Willow was indignant that Tara could read the deepest parts of her where doubts persisted but then that was part of what she loved about the woman as well.
‘Oh I know you would.’ Tara smiled. ‘Maybe because you want to prove to yourself that you have chosen me. But you aren’t that sure yet. And that’s ok too,’ she carried on hurriedly trying to forestall Willow’s further argument. Tara was unable to believe what she was apparently being offered…and that she was turning it down. It was, though, for the best. This wasn’t what it was all about – and despite the greater intimacy of their snuggles and snatched moments like the bench this was the furthest thing from Tara’s mind. ‘You said it. “Do just about anything for you.” Hardly makes it sound as if you are looking forward to whatever “it” might be, and “Nearly. I think.” I don’t want to be on the w-wrong side of that decision. So you should definitely take your time and make it. Yourself. For yourself and for us.’
‘You don’t mind?’ Willow was not surprised, on reflection, that this sensitive woman had read her doubts and was not willing to spoil things. That she was seeking perfection. I just hope, thought Willow, that I can be as perfect as she needs me to be. For the need in Tara was obvious to Willow, plain as day. ‘You know that it is not because that I doubt what we have, right?’
Tara nodded. ‘Like we said. You need to be sure that you are ready. And when you are…I’ll be waiting for you.’ I’ve been waiting so long that a little more doesn’t matter at all.
‘I doubt myself…and not that I love you. I know that. It’s just….well-’ Willow didn’t quite know what to say about that final step – away from the past and towards a close future. So Tara rescued her.
‘I-I think we are doing fine. Let’s not s-spoil that.’ Willow had as good as said that she loved her and that made it all ok.
‘Yet.’ Willow also realised what had slipped from her mouth – so nearly an open “I love you”… something she had not yet said clearly and unambiguously to this wonderful woman but meaning the same thing. It was true though. And it was time to offer Tara something. Something that she could give and be sure of. That which would mean more than anything she had said to this woman. The big step. ‘I do love you Tara.’ And there it was, what they had both known for weeks - finally said. There might be other things in their way. But that at least was a fact laid bare. Even if nothing else was being laid bare just yet.
Tara smiled. ‘I know you do and the rest of it doesn’t matter compared to that.’
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Endnote: This fic, unlike any of the others, is pretty much fixated on bringing W/T to the beginning of NMR (which starts next part!) and as such there are elements to it, angsty elements, that are there for that purpose. Let me just stress that the "doubts" expressed in this fic are related to two specific things. Oz(ish) and total intimacy with each other. That is it. Our two girls are not doubting each others love or that they want to be with each other. I just wanted to make that clear. If it appears that way then it is just badly written!
Katharyn.
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She's my always
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These two have really come a long way, haven't they! They've finally come to a point where they feel comfortable talking openly about feelings, doubts, insecurities, and sex. You have captured the solid foundation to this relationship very well!
Tempus alii disputant quapropter res est, effeci.
(While others debate the why, I have done the how.)
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it's really good - i'm really enjoying this fic, can't wait for the next part
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I also loved this little Willow bit..."I’m a partner. Yay. I have a partner."
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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But there's a sweet tension between them that sets them up nicely for sex. Which, as you know, I fully approve of. Heh.
Um...where's the cake?
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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And I did get it as well and I like it that Willow is feeling passion now, I mean that bench scene.. hands on thighs.. and other places.. shivers..
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Katharyn
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She's my always
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Enjoy, as much as you can.
Katharyn
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Dimming Flame. (Currently Part 18)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising.”
Summary: Oz returns during New Moon Rising. This story deals with Tara’s feelings from when he enters the Scooby meeting and through the night when Oz and Willow stay up talking and before her going to see Willow the following morning whilst Oz is still there. Guess what? Anyone guess angst? Yup. Also what you might call melodrama. It ain’t exactly cheery stuff and ends in a depressing place. But you know how it turns out so what else could it be? If this was my own original story the level of angst would be unbearably depressing but knowing how wonderful these characters future gets I put up with it!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (Can you guess where this changes?)
Couples: W/T? O/W? (that’s the point.)
Notes: The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the starting lines straight. All credit to the transcribers and original episode writers. Don’t know what I would do without them to keep me straight (perhaps clear is a better word*S*)
Thanks To: All those who have been patient waiting for the pay-off. This isn’t the ending of course, not even the end of the beginning. And L of course.
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Dimming Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
‘Hey,’ someone said.
Tara didn’t know who the shorthaired newcomer was, but clearly everyone else did. The look on the faces was universally one of shock and disbelief. And Willow’s most of all. And that meant? She knew what it could mean. What she had been literally praying would not happen at least not until... That it was the return of…
‘Oz.’ Willow said. Nothing more than that. What more was there to say Tara asked herself. It was after all…
‘Oz’ she said. It was him and everything he meant. To Willow. To what she and Willow had. He was back and he brought all of that with him. And he was going to take Willow away from her. Right then she couldn’t doubt that outcome, whether it was quickly or slowly he would do it. Her chest got tight and her heart started to pound, her stomach making her feel sick in sympathy to the rest of the effects of his presence. Her head felt like someone had half filled it with water, and if she moved it too fast the shifting balance would pull her over. She just felt Willow looking at her. She didn’t see it though, couldn’t focus on the look. That hated word just kept going round and round in her brain, linked now with a face. Oh she didn’t hate him. She didn’t even know him. But she knew what he had meant to Willow before he had left. She knew that for Willow there had never, seriously, been anyone else but Oz. She had helped her through the last portions of that grief – or tried to at least. And to inspire that sort of feeling in Willow he must be… well Oz.
She hated what he had done to Willow in the past, before… even if it had allowed her to find her flame haired love.
But more than that she hated just what he would mean in the present. To her and to them.
She was aware too that people were speaking. She couldn’t hear anything but the echoes and reverberations of that word. Oz. She knew Willow was speaking. Xander Oz himself. Buffy. Mr Giles. And until they made their arrangement to meet that night she was unaware of the rest. They being Willow and Oz. They had an arrangement. And with a strangely out of place indignant feeling her mind rebelled… but we were going to try a spell tonight! That was the least of the problems now. Just when “they” was becoming Willow and herself. Now it was Willow and Oz once more.
Even the names seemed to fit together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. Oz. It was really him. How many times, since she had come to realise what she felt for Willow had she feared his return? Every single day? Near enough. At one point she had even told herself, not believing that Willow could ever feel anything for her romantically, that it would be good if he came back. That it would avoid the problem and that Willow could be happy again. She wanted that – for Willow to be happy. She wasn’t selfish about that. That had always been her priority for Willow to be happy.
It was just that recently it had seemed that Willow could be happy with her.
They could be happy together.
I could be happy too.
It wasn't fair…
Now that might be selfish, but she was long overdue some selfishness in her life – so her Willow told her… her Willow - and right now, being selfish she had to get out, to leave them there. Together. Of course they needed to talk. That was okay. They had to talk.
But I have to get out of here.
I can’t hear this.
They were going to meet tonight to talk.
I can’t see this either.
I can’t see the shock on Willow’s face. The pain. The uncertainty when she looks at me… and him. She is uncertain. And if she is uncertain now then let him talk to her about their history, what they had. Let him tell her what they might have again. How he was so sorry. How it would all be better now. And then she will be certain that he has something to offer her.
She won’t want me at all.
Maybe for spells, or perhaps even as a friend. If I am really, really lucky.
But how could that work? As far as they had gone in their relationship they could never be just friends. Not now. It would always be awkward. Would Willow be embarrassed by her? Would she come to hate me, perhaps prompted to that by Oz’s feelings when he found out about her? Could Willow even be a friend to a person she had loved? But not loved enough to choose her over him.
Could I exist as a friend like that? After being so close?
It would rip me apart inside. She knew that would be true. It already is.
I have to get out.
People were looking at Willow and asking how she was after he left with his arrangement made. People wondered if she was ok. And no one is asking me how I am. Why should they? I’m the big secret. The thing Willow can’t admit to just yet for whatever reason. And what would I say of they did ask?
I have to get out of here.
‘I just, um - I realized, um, I'm-I'm late for study group’ she explained lamely. Study group? Even if it had been true – which Willow of course knew it wasn’t, then there was no way that she could have studied. No way anything but that name could occupy her brain. Oz. And all that he meant.
Willow asked her to stay, to wait for her. But she couldn’t – because even if she could have stayed, if she could have survived that then they couldn’t. Not here, not surrounded by people who did not know. Not now. And even if they had escaped together… she couldn’t have faced the reassurances – if they had come at all – from Willow, knowing that they would probably be worthless. Not because Willow wouldn’t believe what she was saying, but because in some things she knew Willow better than Willow knew herself. She knew what he meant to Willow.
Oz.
‘No, no, it's okay. You-you should be with your friends, and, and I-I should go.’ There was nothing else for it and she managed to make it to the door, saw the van she assumed belonged to him leave ahead of her, relieved as she had been terrified in case she ran into him. She made it out of the door and down to the corner before the moan forced it’s way up from deep within her and the tears flooded to her eyes. Forcing herself to remain upright, the sky had clouded over and it looked like rain might fall soon. Perhaps it would wash me away from where I fall in the gutter. She wouldn’t care if it did.
Willow asking her to wait before she exited had no effect on her. She couldn’t let it. She had been forced to get out. She couldn’t even look back and see if the woman she loved was alright, because much as she did love Willow she had to get out of there. She wanted to be strong and this was her being strong. Getting out. Before she hurt Willow. Before her pain influenced the decision that Willow had to make for the right reasons. Willow would know that it hurt – she had suffered such a hurt herself – but it wasn’t sympathy that Tara wanted to influence Willow’s choice. It could only be love. And so she had to get out. Before it hurt her so much that she collapsed in a shuddering heap and sobbed and forced Willow to pity her.
She actually made it back to her dorm before that happened.
Where the journey took her she had no conscious idea. She was sure that some people were asking her on the main street if she was ok. She brushed past them with their questions and attempts at a reassurance or ignored them entirely. “It’ll be alright” some people told her. They had no idea what was wrong – let alone that it would be alright. She couldn’t answer because she wasn’t ok. She was pretty damn far from ok. She was barely even coping enough to get herself home and took not exactly wrong turns but definitely longer routes than were necessary when all she wanted to do was to get back to her room, shut the door and the curtains and lock herself away from the hurt.
Trouble was the hurt was with her already, locking the door would just trap it with her.
And finally closing the door to her room behind her she fell to the bed and let the anguish go. It was choking her. Filling her chest, her lungs as if she was drowning. The sobs came and they threatened to overwhelm her. And eventually, a long time afterwards they could come no more. It was some hours though before the darkness inside her, perhaps fortunately, claimed her. She was clasping the pillow that Willow had last night rested her head on as some sort of empty substitute and allowed nervous exhaustion to claim her. Blessed sleep finally came with no painful awareness of reality as it now existed.
When she awoke, startled awake by a noise in the hall outside it was still as dark outside as it was in her heart – where it was also cold. She made no move to switch on a light. Just sitting there in the dark. What was the point? The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?
No that wasn’t something to think about. Willow wouldn’t do…that thing. Not immediately. Not so soon. What they had, she and Willow, had together was more real than anything that could happen in a single night. Even a night with Oz? Wasn’t it?
But even so. Even though Willow wouldn’t do anything she would be talking to him. Right now in her room they would be talking and they had so much to talk about.
The past. She and Willow didn’t have a past. Not really. Not compared to Willow and Oz.
The present. He had been gone so they had to talk about the present. And here she was. Not in Willow’s present.
The future. The future that Tara did not have now that Oz was in Willow’s.
What was there left to do?
It started as a tiny part of her mental process, growing though as she sat there in the darkness. Beyond tears now. The possibilities roiling over and over in her mind. None of them good, but for this growing nugget of possibility that was emerging.
It wasn’t hope.
But it wasn’t resignation either.
She could fight.
Well at least try. Try to keep Willow. She could talk to Willow. It wasn’t her strongest point. Talking about important, critical stuff. The kind of stuff that could change, ruin or make her life under pressure. But she could do it. She could try to help Willow see that she did have a real choice. That she did want to be with her. That she thought that Willow had wanted the same thing.
And if that did not work then she would give Willow up. If that was what would make the other woman happy. What she needed to be happy, then Tara knew she would let her go. Because letting go was better than just losing Willow entirely. But at least she would have said her bit. She would have fought for the chance to be with her Willow.
And then she would go home.
It would be the only place left. Willow had given her the will to stay here. Willow had given her the reason to stay – even as just a friend. But without Willow what was there? Just the drain on her family’s resources that she would remain for no good reason. And she wasn’t about to try again to make friends, to find a new reason to stay, because staying and seeing them together – a constant reminder of what could have been. What should have been would be more than she could handle. It would hurt and she didn’t want to be hurt any more than seemed inevitable. Or to drag it out.
And she didn’t want to make things difficult for Willow, or uncomfortable. Even if she wasn’t in it she wanted Willow’s life to be perfect. She’d wanted to make it perfect and if that meant leaving them together then so be it.
But consider that word. Inevitable.
Is it?
Is anything really?
Dawn was finally breaking outside. Birds starting their incessant annoying chirping. The sun rising to return light to the land, into her room. Warming light – replacing the full moon – a full moon… he’d tamed the wolf as he had intended to.
And if he could do that then nothing was inevitable.
Something could always get in the way. One day even the sun might fail to rise. Or the moon. Of course chances were no human would ever see that but nothing was inevitable. Tara knew she wasn’t a fighter. But she was also sick of feeling she had no options. No choices. No chance.
No right to happiness.
It was with this thought that she washed and undressed from her crumpled clothes of the terrible day before, freshening up and preparing herself for what might be another terrible day. But that wasn’t inevitable at least.
She knew what she wanted and she knew that she was going to lose that…lose Willow… if she stayed here wallowing in her self-pity, reasonable as it might seem right now. Because she also knew that if she did nothing then self-pity would be all she had left.
Heading out into the fresh new day, the air cool, she shivered. But it wasn’t the cold that did that. It was fear. Fear that for now at least she had conquered. She had to see Willow. To tell her that she was still here. That she, Willow, had a choice. That it wasn’t a given that she should return to Oz.
They all had choices.
And this choice loved her too.
She knocked on the door, reluctantly almost. What would she find? A Willow who had decided that she was getting back with Oz? Willow wanting to give him a chance? A Willow in pain? Or maybe Willow who had chosen her… Maybe he had thought better of it and never come round. She had to think happy, positive thoughts.
Oh.
The door opened and there stood Oz and all her resolve, her determination melted away.
It was too early in the morning for him to be just visiting. That was why she had chosen this time. That and the fact that she couldn’t stay in that empty room a moment longer. She had to tell Willow what her options, their options, were. And she also had to know how the talk with Oz had gone. What might have been said or happened.
And now she did.
‘Oh, sorry, I-I-I'll come back’ she said to him, determined just to go. To get back to that large empty room for more than a moment.
‘Are you looking for Willow? She's just in the bathroom down the hall’ he told her, helpfully. Clearly he didn’t know. About them. What them could have meant. He seemed pleasant though. And that just made it worse. Couldn’t he have been nasty? Couldn’t he have made it easier to hate him as a person rather as the love of Willow’s life?
‘No, no. No, it's, it's okay.’ She backed away from door. Got to leave. Even if Willow was there, what was she going to say now? He had stayed the night. What else was there to say? Everything that they had been had come to nothing.
‘I saw you at Giles' yesterday,’ he persisted, probably trying to be friendly but she just wanted to get away from him, from here. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He probably thought she was weird. She didn’t care. It didn’t matter what he thought.
She mumbled something about her presence there and when he invited her to come in again, to wait for Willow she knew that she would have to wait. Wait for Willow to come and end it all for her. Because there was nothing else left to do. She couldn’t stay here. She left and heard the door, Willow’s door, shut behind her. It was more than a metaphor, it seemed inevitable.
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She's my always
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
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Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
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Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
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Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
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quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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These two have really come a long way, haven't they! They've finally come to a point where they feel comfortable talking openly about feelings, doubts, insecurities, and sex. You have captured the solid foundation to this relationship very well!
Tempus alii disputant quapropter res est, effeci.
(While others debate the why, I have done the how.)
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posted September 04, 2001 14:58 I got it!These two have really come a long way, haven't they! They've finally come to a point where they feel comfortable talking openly about feelings, doubts, insecurities, and sex. You have captured the solid foundation to this relationship very well!
Tempus alii disputant quapropter res est, effeci.
(While others debate the why, I have done the how.)
it's really good - i'm really enjoying this fic, can't wait for the next part
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posted September 04, 2001 15:10 i got it too!it's really good - i'm really enjoying this fic, can't wait for the next part
IP: LoggedWardukeStrong like an Amazon I also loved this little Willow bit..."I’m a partner. Yay. I have a partner."
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posted September 04, 2001 16:32 Great chapter Katharyn, I loved the bench sceneI also loved this little Willow bit..."I’m a partner. Yay. I have a partner."
IP: Loggedcatliz16Blessed Wannabe ------------------
"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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posted September 04, 2001 17:27 I totally got what you were striving for here! Excellent chapter ... and as always I am eagerly waiting for the next!------------------
"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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posted September 04, 2001 20:18 k, i think the whole conversation was really clear about what both of them meant and were saying and left unsaid. very very sweet and a really good buildup to nmr! i cant wait! i mean, i *can* wait, but i really like how youre setting it all up. thanks so much!michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
But there's a sweet tension between them that sets them up nicely for sex. Which, as you know, I fully approve of. Heh.
Um...where's the cake?
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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posted September 04, 2001 20:49 They're obviously so comfortable with one another that talking about sex isn't that much of a problem. Tara seems more comfortable than Willow, in fact. Her responses suggest that she can read Willow perfectly, whilst Willow perhaps isn't altogether sure of what she wants right now.But there's a sweet tension between them that sets them up nicely for sex. Which, as you know, I fully approve of. Heh.
Um...where's the cake?
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
And I did get it as well and I like it that Willow is feeling passion now, I mean that bench scene.. hands on thighs.. and other places.. shivers..
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posted September 04, 2001 23:02 Yeah, I like all the cake talk lol (think of the 100the episode celebration).And I did get it as well and I like it that Willow is feeling passion now, I mean that bench scene.. hands on thighs.. and other places.. shivers..
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 05, 2001 00:54 Well that is a surprise, seriously. Four beta readers were evenly split. Two saw what I wanted and two thought this was too much of a step backwards. Anyway from the almost happy heights of Reactions and onward into two truly depressing parts "The Dimming Flame" and "The Flickering Flame." I am adding another story before "Burning Bright" (which ain't deppressing at all!!) and it is about a quarter done at present.Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 05, 2001 08:02 This was a great chapter, the dialogue is very real and it goes straight to the heart. Enjoy, as much as you can.
Katharyn
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Dimming Flame. (Currently Part 18)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising.”
Summary: Oz returns during New Moon Rising. This story deals with Tara’s feelings from when he enters the Scooby meeting and through the night when Oz and Willow stay up talking and before her going to see Willow the following morning whilst Oz is still there. Guess what? Anyone guess angst? Yup. Also what you might call melodrama. It ain’t exactly cheery stuff and ends in a depressing place. But you know how it turns out so what else could it be? If this was my own original story the level of angst would be unbearably depressing but knowing how wonderful these characters future gets I put up with it!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (Can you guess where this changes?)
Couples: W/T? O/W? (that’s the point.)
Notes: The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the starting lines straight. All credit to the transcribers and original episode writers. Don’t know what I would do without them to keep me straight (perhaps clear is a better word*S*)
Thanks To: All those who have been patient waiting for the pay-off. This isn’t the ending of course, not even the end of the beginning. And L of course.
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Dimming Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
‘Hey,’ someone said.
Tara didn’t know who the shorthaired newcomer was, but clearly everyone else did. The look on the faces was universally one of shock and disbelief. And Willow’s most of all. And that meant? She knew what it could mean. What she had been literally praying would not happen at least not until... That it was the return of…
‘Oz.’ Willow said. Nothing more than that. What more was there to say Tara asked herself. It was after all…
‘Oz’ she said. It was him and everything he meant. To Willow. To what she and Willow had. He was back and he brought all of that with him. And he was going to take Willow away from her. Right then she couldn’t doubt that outcome, whether it was quickly or slowly he would do it. Her chest got tight and her heart started to pound, her stomach making her feel sick in sympathy to the rest of the effects of his presence. Her head felt like someone had half filled it with water, and if she moved it too fast the shifting balance would pull her over. She just felt Willow looking at her. She didn’t see it though, couldn’t focus on the look. That hated word just kept going round and round in her brain, linked now with a face. Oh she didn’t hate him. She didn’t even know him. But she knew what he had meant to Willow before he had left. She knew that for Willow there had never, seriously, been anyone else but Oz. She had helped her through the last portions of that grief – or tried to at least. And to inspire that sort of feeling in Willow he must be… well Oz.
She hated what he had done to Willow in the past, before… even if it had allowed her to find her flame haired love.
But more than that she hated just what he would mean in the present. To her and to them.
She was aware too that people were speaking. She couldn’t hear anything but the echoes and reverberations of that word. Oz. She knew Willow was speaking. Xander Oz himself. Buffy. Mr Giles. And until they made their arrangement to meet that night she was unaware of the rest. They being Willow and Oz. They had an arrangement. And with a strangely out of place indignant feeling her mind rebelled… but we were going to try a spell tonight! That was the least of the problems now. Just when “they” was becoming Willow and herself. Now it was Willow and Oz once more.
Even the names seemed to fit together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. Oz. It was really him. How many times, since she had come to realise what she felt for Willow had she feared his return? Every single day? Near enough. At one point she had even told herself, not believing that Willow could ever feel anything for her romantically, that it would be good if he came back. That it would avoid the problem and that Willow could be happy again. She wanted that – for Willow to be happy. She wasn’t selfish about that. That had always been her priority for Willow to be happy.
It was just that recently it had seemed that Willow could be happy with her.
They could be happy together.
I could be happy too.
It wasn't fair…
Now that might be selfish, but she was long overdue some selfishness in her life – so her Willow told her… her Willow - and right now, being selfish she had to get out, to leave them there. Together. Of course they needed to talk. That was okay. They had to talk.
But I have to get out of here.
I can’t hear this.
They were going to meet tonight to talk.
I can’t see this either.
I can’t see the shock on Willow’s face. The pain. The uncertainty when she looks at me… and him. She is uncertain. And if she is uncertain now then let him talk to her about their history, what they had. Let him tell her what they might have again. How he was so sorry. How it would all be better now. And then she will be certain that he has something to offer her.
She won’t want me at all.
Maybe for spells, or perhaps even as a friend. If I am really, really lucky.
But how could that work? As far as they had gone in their relationship they could never be just friends. Not now. It would always be awkward. Would Willow be embarrassed by her? Would she come to hate me, perhaps prompted to that by Oz’s feelings when he found out about her? Could Willow even be a friend to a person she had loved? But not loved enough to choose her over him.
Could I exist as a friend like that? After being so close?
It would rip me apart inside. She knew that would be true. It already is.
I have to get out.
People were looking at Willow and asking how she was after he left with his arrangement made. People wondered if she was ok. And no one is asking me how I am. Why should they? I’m the big secret. The thing Willow can’t admit to just yet for whatever reason. And what would I say of they did ask?
I have to get out of here.
‘I just, um - I realized, um, I'm-I'm late for study group’ she explained lamely. Study group? Even if it had been true – which Willow of course knew it wasn’t, then there was no way that she could have studied. No way anything but that name could occupy her brain. Oz. And all that he meant.
Willow asked her to stay, to wait for her. But she couldn’t – because even if she could have stayed, if she could have survived that then they couldn’t. Not here, not surrounded by people who did not know. Not now. And even if they had escaped together… she couldn’t have faced the reassurances – if they had come at all – from Willow, knowing that they would probably be worthless. Not because Willow wouldn’t believe what she was saying, but because in some things she knew Willow better than Willow knew herself. She knew what he meant to Willow.
Oz.
‘No, no, it's okay. You-you should be with your friends, and, and I-I should go.’ There was nothing else for it and she managed to make it to the door, saw the van she assumed belonged to him leave ahead of her, relieved as she had been terrified in case she ran into him. She made it out of the door and down to the corner before the moan forced it’s way up from deep within her and the tears flooded to her eyes. Forcing herself to remain upright, the sky had clouded over and it looked like rain might fall soon. Perhaps it would wash me away from where I fall in the gutter. She wouldn’t care if it did.
Willow asking her to wait before she exited had no effect on her. She couldn’t let it. She had been forced to get out. She couldn’t even look back and see if the woman she loved was alright, because much as she did love Willow she had to get out of there. She wanted to be strong and this was her being strong. Getting out. Before she hurt Willow. Before her pain influenced the decision that Willow had to make for the right reasons. Willow would know that it hurt – she had suffered such a hurt herself – but it wasn’t sympathy that Tara wanted to influence Willow’s choice. It could only be love. And so she had to get out. Before it hurt her so much that she collapsed in a shuddering heap and sobbed and forced Willow to pity her.
She actually made it back to her dorm before that happened.
Where the journey took her she had no conscious idea. She was sure that some people were asking her on the main street if she was ok. She brushed past them with their questions and attempts at a reassurance or ignored them entirely. “It’ll be alright” some people told her. They had no idea what was wrong – let alone that it would be alright. She couldn’t answer because she wasn’t ok. She was pretty damn far from ok. She was barely even coping enough to get herself home and took not exactly wrong turns but definitely longer routes than were necessary when all she wanted to do was to get back to her room, shut the door and the curtains and lock herself away from the hurt.
Trouble was the hurt was with her already, locking the door would just trap it with her.
And finally closing the door to her room behind her she fell to the bed and let the anguish go. It was choking her. Filling her chest, her lungs as if she was drowning. The sobs came and they threatened to overwhelm her. And eventually, a long time afterwards they could come no more. It was some hours though before the darkness inside her, perhaps fortunately, claimed her. She was clasping the pillow that Willow had last night rested her head on as some sort of empty substitute and allowed nervous exhaustion to claim her. Blessed sleep finally came with no painful awareness of reality as it now existed.
When she awoke, startled awake by a noise in the hall outside it was still as dark outside as it was in her heart – where it was also cold. She made no move to switch on a light. Just sitting there in the dark. What was the point? The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?
No that wasn’t something to think about. Willow wouldn’t do…that thing. Not immediately. Not so soon. What they had, she and Willow, had together was more real than anything that could happen in a single night. Even a night with Oz? Wasn’t it?
But even so. Even though Willow wouldn’t do anything she would be talking to him. Right now in her room they would be talking and they had so much to talk about.
The past. She and Willow didn’t have a past. Not really. Not compared to Willow and Oz.
The present. He had been gone so they had to talk about the present. And here she was. Not in Willow’s present.
The future. The future that Tara did not have now that Oz was in Willow’s.
What was there left to do?
It started as a tiny part of her mental process, growing though as she sat there in the darkness. Beyond tears now. The possibilities roiling over and over in her mind. None of them good, but for this growing nugget of possibility that was emerging.
It wasn’t hope.
But it wasn’t resignation either.
She could fight.
Well at least try. Try to keep Willow. She could talk to Willow. It wasn’t her strongest point. Talking about important, critical stuff. The kind of stuff that could change, ruin or make her life under pressure. But she could do it. She could try to help Willow see that she did have a real choice. That she did want to be with her. That she thought that Willow had wanted the same thing.
And if that did not work then she would give Willow up. If that was what would make the other woman happy. What she needed to be happy, then Tara knew she would let her go. Because letting go was better than just losing Willow entirely. But at least she would have said her bit. She would have fought for the chance to be with her Willow.
And then she would go home.
It would be the only place left. Willow had given her the will to stay here. Willow had given her the reason to stay – even as just a friend. But without Willow what was there? Just the drain on her family’s resources that she would remain for no good reason. And she wasn’t about to try again to make friends, to find a new reason to stay, because staying and seeing them together – a constant reminder of what could have been. What should have been would be more than she could handle. It would hurt and she didn’t want to be hurt any more than seemed inevitable. Or to drag it out.
And she didn’t want to make things difficult for Willow, or uncomfortable. Even if she wasn’t in it she wanted Willow’s life to be perfect. She’d wanted to make it perfect and if that meant leaving them together then so be it.
But consider that word. Inevitable.
Is it?
Is anything really?
Dawn was finally breaking outside. Birds starting their incessant annoying chirping. The sun rising to return light to the land, into her room. Warming light – replacing the full moon – a full moon… he’d tamed the wolf as he had intended to.
And if he could do that then nothing was inevitable.
Something could always get in the way. One day even the sun might fail to rise. Or the moon. Of course chances were no human would ever see that but nothing was inevitable. Tara knew she wasn’t a fighter. But she was also sick of feeling she had no options. No choices. No chance.
No right to happiness.
It was with this thought that she washed and undressed from her crumpled clothes of the terrible day before, freshening up and preparing herself for what might be another terrible day. But that wasn’t inevitable at least.
She knew what she wanted and she knew that she was going to lose that…lose Willow… if she stayed here wallowing in her self-pity, reasonable as it might seem right now. Because she also knew that if she did nothing then self-pity would be all she had left.
Heading out into the fresh new day, the air cool, she shivered. But it wasn’t the cold that did that. It was fear. Fear that for now at least she had conquered. She had to see Willow. To tell her that she was still here. That she, Willow, had a choice. That it wasn’t a given that she should return to Oz.
They all had choices.
And this choice loved her too.
She knocked on the door, reluctantly almost. What would she find? A Willow who had decided that she was getting back with Oz? Willow wanting to give him a chance? A Willow in pain? Or maybe Willow who had chosen her… Maybe he had thought better of it and never come round. She had to think happy, positive thoughts.
Oh.
The door opened and there stood Oz and all her resolve, her determination melted away.
It was too early in the morning for him to be just visiting. That was why she had chosen this time. That and the fact that she couldn’t stay in that empty room a moment longer. She had to tell Willow what her options, their options, were. And she also had to know how the talk with Oz had gone. What might have been said or happened.
And now she did.
‘Oh, sorry, I-I-I'll come back’ she said to him, determined just to go. To get back to that large empty room for more than a moment.
‘Are you looking for Willow? She's just in the bathroom down the hall’ he told her, helpfully. Clearly he didn’t know. About them. What them could have meant. He seemed pleasant though. And that just made it worse. Couldn’t he have been nasty? Couldn’t he have made it easier to hate him as a person rather as the love of Willow’s life?
‘No, no. No, it's, it's okay.’ She backed away from door. Got to leave. Even if Willow was there, what was she going to say now? He had stayed the night. What else was there to say? Everything that they had been had come to nothing.
‘I saw you at Giles' yesterday,’ he persisted, probably trying to be friendly but she just wanted to get away from him, from here. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He probably thought she was weird. She didn’t care. It didn’t matter what he thought.
She mumbled something about her presence there and when he invited her to come in again, to wait for Willow she knew that she would have to wait. Wait for Willow to come and end it all for her. Because there was nothing else left to do. She couldn’t stay here. She left and heard the door, Willow’s door, shut behind her. It was more than a metaphor, it seemed inevitable.
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She's my always
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
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Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
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Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
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Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
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quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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Enjoy, as much as you can.
Katharyn
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Dimming Flame. (Currently Part 18)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising.”
Summary: Oz returns during New Moon Rising. This story deals with Tara’s feelings from when he enters the Scooby meeting and through the night when Oz and Willow stay up talking and before her going to see Willow the following morning whilst Oz is still there. Guess what? Anyone guess angst? Yup. Also what you might call melodrama. It ain’t exactly cheery stuff and ends in a depressing place. But you know how it turns out so what else could it be? If this was my own original story the level of angst would be unbearably depressing but knowing how wonderful these characters future gets I put up with it!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (Can you guess where this changes?)
Couples: W/T? O/W? (that’s the point.)
Notes: The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the starting lines straight. All credit to the transcribers and original episode writers. Don’t know what I would do without them to keep me straight (perhaps clear is a better word*S*)
Thanks To: All those who have been patient waiting for the pay-off. This isn’t the ending of course, not even the end of the beginning. And L of course.
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Dimming Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
‘Hey,’ someone said.
Tara didn’t know who the shorthaired newcomer was, but clearly everyone else did. The look on the faces was universally one of shock and disbelief. And Willow’s most of all. And that meant? She knew what it could mean. What she had been literally praying would not happen at least not until... That it was the return of…
‘Oz.’ Willow said. Nothing more than that. What more was there to say Tara asked herself. It was after all…
‘Oz’ she said. It was him and everything he meant. To Willow. To what she and Willow had. He was back and he brought all of that with him. And he was going to take Willow away from her. Right then she couldn’t doubt that outcome, whether it was quickly or slowly he would do it. Her chest got tight and her heart started to pound, her stomach making her feel sick in sympathy to the rest of the effects of his presence. Her head felt like someone had half filled it with water, and if she moved it too fast the shifting balance would pull her over. She just felt Willow looking at her. She didn’t see it though, couldn’t focus on the look. That hated word just kept going round and round in her brain, linked now with a face. Oh she didn’t hate him. She didn’t even know him. But she knew what he had meant to Willow before he had left. She knew that for Willow there had never, seriously, been anyone else but Oz. She had helped her through the last portions of that grief – or tried to at least. And to inspire that sort of feeling in Willow he must be… well Oz.
She hated what he had done to Willow in the past, before… even if it had allowed her to find her flame haired love.
But more than that she hated just what he would mean in the present. To her and to them.
She was aware too that people were speaking. She couldn’t hear anything but the echoes and reverberations of that word. Oz. She knew Willow was speaking. Xander Oz himself. Buffy. Mr Giles. And until they made their arrangement to meet that night she was unaware of the rest. They being Willow and Oz. They had an arrangement. And with a strangely out of place indignant feeling her mind rebelled… but we were going to try a spell tonight! That was the least of the problems now. Just when “they” was becoming Willow and herself. Now it was Willow and Oz once more.
Even the names seemed to fit together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. Oz. It was really him. How many times, since she had come to realise what she felt for Willow had she feared his return? Every single day? Near enough. At one point she had even told herself, not believing that Willow could ever feel anything for her romantically, that it would be good if he came back. That it would avoid the problem and that Willow could be happy again. She wanted that – for Willow to be happy. She wasn’t selfish about that. That had always been her priority for Willow to be happy.
It was just that recently it had seemed that Willow could be happy with her.
They could be happy together.
I could be happy too.
It wasn't fair…
Now that might be selfish, but she was long overdue some selfishness in her life – so her Willow told her… her Willow - and right now, being selfish she had to get out, to leave them there. Together. Of course they needed to talk. That was okay. They had to talk.
But I have to get out of here.
I can’t hear this.
They were going to meet tonight to talk.
I can’t see this either.
I can’t see the shock on Willow’s face. The pain. The uncertainty when she looks at me… and him. She is uncertain. And if she is uncertain now then let him talk to her about their history, what they had. Let him tell her what they might have again. How he was so sorry. How it would all be better now. And then she will be certain that he has something to offer her.
She won’t want me at all.
Maybe for spells, or perhaps even as a friend. If I am really, really lucky.
But how could that work? As far as they had gone in their relationship they could never be just friends. Not now. It would always be awkward. Would Willow be embarrassed by her? Would she come to hate me, perhaps prompted to that by Oz’s feelings when he found out about her? Could Willow even be a friend to a person she had loved? But not loved enough to choose her over him.
Could I exist as a friend like that? After being so close?
It would rip me apart inside. She knew that would be true. It already is.
I have to get out.
People were looking at Willow and asking how she was after he left with his arrangement made. People wondered if she was ok. And no one is asking me how I am. Why should they? I’m the big secret. The thing Willow can’t admit to just yet for whatever reason. And what would I say of they did ask?
I have to get out of here.
‘I just, um - I realized, um, I'm-I'm late for study group’ she explained lamely. Study group? Even if it had been true – which Willow of course knew it wasn’t, then there was no way that she could have studied. No way anything but that name could occupy her brain. Oz. And all that he meant.
Willow asked her to stay, to wait for her. But she couldn’t – because even if she could have stayed, if she could have survived that then they couldn’t. Not here, not surrounded by people who did not know. Not now. And even if they had escaped together… she couldn’t have faced the reassurances – if they had come at all – from Willow, knowing that they would probably be worthless. Not because Willow wouldn’t believe what she was saying, but because in some things she knew Willow better than Willow knew herself. She knew what he meant to Willow.
Oz.
‘No, no, it's okay. You-you should be with your friends, and, and I-I should go.’ There was nothing else for it and she managed to make it to the door, saw the van she assumed belonged to him leave ahead of her, relieved as she had been terrified in case she ran into him. She made it out of the door and down to the corner before the moan forced it’s way up from deep within her and the tears flooded to her eyes. Forcing herself to remain upright, the sky had clouded over and it looked like rain might fall soon. Perhaps it would wash me away from where I fall in the gutter. She wouldn’t care if it did.
Willow asking her to wait before she exited had no effect on her. She couldn’t let it. She had been forced to get out. She couldn’t even look back and see if the woman she loved was alright, because much as she did love Willow she had to get out of there. She wanted to be strong and this was her being strong. Getting out. Before she hurt Willow. Before her pain influenced the decision that Willow had to make for the right reasons. Willow would know that it hurt – she had suffered such a hurt herself – but it wasn’t sympathy that Tara wanted to influence Willow’s choice. It could only be love. And so she had to get out. Before it hurt her so much that she collapsed in a shuddering heap and sobbed and forced Willow to pity her.
She actually made it back to her dorm before that happened.
Where the journey took her she had no conscious idea. She was sure that some people were asking her on the main street if she was ok. She brushed past them with their questions and attempts at a reassurance or ignored them entirely. “It’ll be alright” some people told her. They had no idea what was wrong – let alone that it would be alright. She couldn’t answer because she wasn’t ok. She was pretty damn far from ok. She was barely even coping enough to get herself home and took not exactly wrong turns but definitely longer routes than were necessary when all she wanted to do was to get back to her room, shut the door and the curtains and lock herself away from the hurt.
Trouble was the hurt was with her already, locking the door would just trap it with her.
And finally closing the door to her room behind her she fell to the bed and let the anguish go. It was choking her. Filling her chest, her lungs as if she was drowning. The sobs came and they threatened to overwhelm her. And eventually, a long time afterwards they could come no more. It was some hours though before the darkness inside her, perhaps fortunately, claimed her. She was clasping the pillow that Willow had last night rested her head on as some sort of empty substitute and allowed nervous exhaustion to claim her. Blessed sleep finally came with no painful awareness of reality as it now existed.
When she awoke, startled awake by a noise in the hall outside it was still as dark outside as it was in her heart – where it was also cold. She made no move to switch on a light. Just sitting there in the dark. What was the point? The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?
No that wasn’t something to think about. Willow wouldn’t do…that thing. Not immediately. Not so soon. What they had, she and Willow, had together was more real than anything that could happen in a single night. Even a night with Oz? Wasn’t it?
But even so. Even though Willow wouldn’t do anything she would be talking to him. Right now in her room they would be talking and they had so much to talk about.
The past. She and Willow didn’t have a past. Not really. Not compared to Willow and Oz.
The present. He had been gone so they had to talk about the present. And here she was. Not in Willow’s present.
The future. The future that Tara did not have now that Oz was in Willow’s.
What was there left to do?
It started as a tiny part of her mental process, growing though as she sat there in the darkness. Beyond tears now. The possibilities roiling over and over in her mind. None of them good, but for this growing nugget of possibility that was emerging.
It wasn’t hope.
But it wasn’t resignation either.
She could fight.
Well at least try. Try to keep Willow. She could talk to Willow. It wasn’t her strongest point. Talking about important, critical stuff. The kind of stuff that could change, ruin or make her life under pressure. But she could do it. She could try to help Willow see that she did have a real choice. That she did want to be with her. That she thought that Willow had wanted the same thing.
And if that did not work then she would give Willow up. If that was what would make the other woman happy. What she needed to be happy, then Tara knew she would let her go. Because letting go was better than just losing Willow entirely. But at least she would have said her bit. She would have fought for the chance to be with her Willow.
And then she would go home.
It would be the only place left. Willow had given her the will to stay here. Willow had given her the reason to stay – even as just a friend. But without Willow what was there? Just the drain on her family’s resources that she would remain for no good reason. And she wasn’t about to try again to make friends, to find a new reason to stay, because staying and seeing them together – a constant reminder of what could have been. What should have been would be more than she could handle. It would hurt and she didn’t want to be hurt any more than seemed inevitable. Or to drag it out.
And she didn’t want to make things difficult for Willow, or uncomfortable. Even if she wasn’t in it she wanted Willow’s life to be perfect. She’d wanted to make it perfect and if that meant leaving them together then so be it.
But consider that word. Inevitable.
Is it?
Is anything really?
Dawn was finally breaking outside. Birds starting their incessant annoying chirping. The sun rising to return light to the land, into her room. Warming light – replacing the full moon – a full moon… he’d tamed the wolf as he had intended to.
And if he could do that then nothing was inevitable.
Something could always get in the way. One day even the sun might fail to rise. Or the moon. Of course chances were no human would ever see that but nothing was inevitable. Tara knew she wasn’t a fighter. But she was also sick of feeling she had no options. No choices. No chance.
No right to happiness.
It was with this thought that she washed and undressed from her crumpled clothes of the terrible day before, freshening up and preparing herself for what might be another terrible day. But that wasn’t inevitable at least.
She knew what she wanted and she knew that she was going to lose that…lose Willow… if she stayed here wallowing in her self-pity, reasonable as it might seem right now. Because she also knew that if she did nothing then self-pity would be all she had left.
Heading out into the fresh new day, the air cool, she shivered. But it wasn’t the cold that did that. It was fear. Fear that for now at least she had conquered. She had to see Willow. To tell her that she was still here. That she, Willow, had a choice. That it wasn’t a given that she should return to Oz.
They all had choices.
And this choice loved her too.
She knocked on the door, reluctantly almost. What would she find? A Willow who had decided that she was getting back with Oz? Willow wanting to give him a chance? A Willow in pain? Or maybe Willow who had chosen her… Maybe he had thought better of it and never come round. She had to think happy, positive thoughts.
Oh.
The door opened and there stood Oz and all her resolve, her determination melted away.
It was too early in the morning for him to be just visiting. That was why she had chosen this time. That and the fact that she couldn’t stay in that empty room a moment longer. She had to tell Willow what her options, their options, were. And she also had to know how the talk with Oz had gone. What might have been said or happened.
And now she did.
‘Oh, sorry, I-I-I'll come back’ she said to him, determined just to go. To get back to that large empty room for more than a moment.
‘Are you looking for Willow? She's just in the bathroom down the hall’ he told her, helpfully. Clearly he didn’t know. About them. What them could have meant. He seemed pleasant though. And that just made it worse. Couldn’t he have been nasty? Couldn’t he have made it easier to hate him as a person rather as the love of Willow’s life?
‘No, no. No, it's, it's okay.’ She backed away from door. Got to leave. Even if Willow was there, what was she going to say now? He had stayed the night. What else was there to say? Everything that they had been had come to nothing.
‘I saw you at Giles' yesterday,’ he persisted, probably trying to be friendly but she just wanted to get away from him, from here. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He probably thought she was weird. She didn’t care. It didn’t matter what he thought.
She mumbled something about her presence there and when he invited her to come in again, to wait for Willow she knew that she would have to wait. Wait for Willow to come and end it all for her. Because there was nothing else left to do. She couldn’t stay here. She left and heard the door, Willow’s door, shut behind her. It was more than a metaphor, it seemed inevitable.
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She's my always
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
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Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
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Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
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Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
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quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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posted September 06, 2001 02:38 A clear account of the early part of this episode. You concentrate on Tara's reaction, which is precisely what we never saw fully explored in the show. The scenes of her leaving Giles' and returning home were well thought out.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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posted September 06, 2001 03:01 Maybe it's my mood and my own tough choices but man some of these lines got to me tonight."They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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posted September 06, 2001 04:58 Can I join your fan club?Just came back on the board and I have to say this is superb.IP: LoggedForristerWillowhand For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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posted September 06, 2001 07:01 I began reading this and immediately had my heart torn out at Tara's pain. Then I wanted to teleport Oz back to Tibet. Finally I was getting all set to be really pissed off with Willow if she decided to pass over Tara for Oz. .... And then I remembered ... she didn't,... and I began to breathe again.For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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posted September 06, 2001 09:58 I need a box of kleenex and water to rehydrate myself (sniffff!). Even though I know the conclusion I can't help but be moved by Tara's pain. This is beautifully written.IP: LoggedWiccanBexGay Now! (that's all i have to say... it's great...)
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posted September 06, 2001 10:26 oh! this is so great!(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
IP: LoggedmollyigWillowhand Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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posted September 06, 2001 10:48 This is wonderful work. I love that part where Oz comes in, and you can see how upset Tara was by that. Your words brilliantly portray her thoughts at that time.Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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posted September 06, 2001 11:15 Katharyn you rock as always! I need the next part!!!!------------------
"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
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posted September 06, 2001 13:29 *Smiles* That really seems to have touched something in people. Good, it was supposed to. That was one of the first that was written in this cycle of stories with others then built around it. That was where my interest lay. In fact for a long long time I was not going to even bother with Extra Flamey scene... *shock horror* and leave NMR with this. But heck it was just too damn depressing - the whole series so it gets better for them.Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
IP: LoggedBunnyDoll's eye crystal IP: Logged
posted September 06, 2001 16:22 This really churned me up inside. Good job.IP: LoggednikaCool Monster Fighter IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 13:32 I really want more of this story soon.IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 14:06 You know, here's the truth--human beings are all the angels and devils we need. Nothing makes us more gloriously happy, or drops us into the darkest of despairs, than our relationships with each other.Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 14:14quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by Forrister » Tue Sep 04, 2001 11:58 am
These two have really come a long way, haven't they! They've finally come to a point where they feel comfortable talking openly about feelings, doubts, insecurities, and sex. You have captured the solid foundation to this relationship very well!
Tempus alii disputant quapropter res est, effeci.
(While others debate the why, I have done the how.)
by WiccanBex » Tue Sep 04, 2001 12:10 pm
it's really good - i'm really enjoying this fic, can't wait for the next part
by Warduke » Tue Sep 04, 2001 1:32 pm
I also loved this little Willow bit..."I’m a partner. Yay. I have a partner."
by catliz16 » Tue Sep 04, 2001 2:27 pm
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
by rocketdyke » Tue Sep 04, 2001 5:18 pm
michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
by tommo » Tue Sep 04, 2001 5:49 pm
But there's a sweet tension between them that sets them up nicely for sex. Which, as you know, I fully approve of. Heh.
Um...where's the cake?
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by xita » Tue Sep 04, 2001 8:02 pm
And I did get it as well and I like it that Willow is feeling passion now, I mean that bench scene.. hands on thighs.. and other places.. shivers..
by Katharyn » Tue Sep 04, 2001 9:54 pm
Katharyn
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She's my always
by nika » Wed Sep 05, 2001 5:02 am
by Katharyn » Wed Sep 05, 2001 9:51 pm
Enjoy, as much as you can.
Katharyn
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Dimming Flame. (Currently Part 18)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising.”
Summary: Oz returns during New Moon Rising. This story deals with Tara’s feelings from when he enters the Scooby meeting and through the night when Oz and Willow stay up talking and before her going to see Willow the following morning whilst Oz is still there. Guess what? Anyone guess angst? Yup. Also what you might call melodrama. It ain’t exactly cheery stuff and ends in a depressing place. But you know how it turns out so what else could it be? If this was my own original story the level of angst would be unbearably depressing but knowing how wonderful these characters future gets I put up with it!
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (Can you guess where this changes?)
Couples: W/T? O/W? (that’s the point.)
Notes: The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the starting lines straight. All credit to the transcribers and original episode writers. Don’t know what I would do without them to keep me straight (perhaps clear is a better word*S*)
Thanks To: All those who have been patient waiting for the pay-off. This isn’t the ending of course, not even the end of the beginning. And L of course.
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Dimming Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
‘Hey,’ someone said.
Tara didn’t know who the shorthaired newcomer was, but clearly everyone else did. The look on the faces was universally one of shock and disbelief. And Willow’s most of all. And that meant? She knew what it could mean. What she had been literally praying would not happen at least not until... That it was the return of…
‘Oz.’ Willow said. Nothing more than that. What more was there to say Tara asked herself. It was after all…
‘Oz’ she said. It was him and everything he meant. To Willow. To what she and Willow had. He was back and he brought all of that with him. And he was going to take Willow away from her. Right then she couldn’t doubt that outcome, whether it was quickly or slowly he would do it. Her chest got tight and her heart started to pound, her stomach making her feel sick in sympathy to the rest of the effects of his presence. Her head felt like someone had half filled it with water, and if she moved it too fast the shifting balance would pull her over. She just felt Willow looking at her. She didn’t see it though, couldn’t focus on the look. That hated word just kept going round and round in her brain, linked now with a face. Oh she didn’t hate him. She didn’t even know him. But she knew what he had meant to Willow before he had left. She knew that for Willow there had never, seriously, been anyone else but Oz. She had helped her through the last portions of that grief – or tried to at least. And to inspire that sort of feeling in Willow he must be… well Oz.
She hated what he had done to Willow in the past, before… even if it had allowed her to find her flame haired love.
But more than that she hated just what he would mean in the present. To her and to them.
She was aware too that people were speaking. She couldn’t hear anything but the echoes and reverberations of that word. Oz. She knew Willow was speaking. Xander Oz himself. Buffy. Mr Giles. And until they made their arrangement to meet that night she was unaware of the rest. They being Willow and Oz. They had an arrangement. And with a strangely out of place indignant feeling her mind rebelled… but we were going to try a spell tonight! That was the least of the problems now. Just when “they” was becoming Willow and herself. Now it was Willow and Oz once more.
Even the names seemed to fit together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. Oz. It was really him. How many times, since she had come to realise what she felt for Willow had she feared his return? Every single day? Near enough. At one point she had even told herself, not believing that Willow could ever feel anything for her romantically, that it would be good if he came back. That it would avoid the problem and that Willow could be happy again. She wanted that – for Willow to be happy. She wasn’t selfish about that. That had always been her priority for Willow to be happy.
It was just that recently it had seemed that Willow could be happy with her.
They could be happy together.
I could be happy too.
It wasn't fair…
Now that might be selfish, but she was long overdue some selfishness in her life – so her Willow told her… her Willow - and right now, being selfish she had to get out, to leave them there. Together. Of course they needed to talk. That was okay. They had to talk.
But I have to get out of here.
I can’t hear this.
They were going to meet tonight to talk.
I can’t see this either.
I can’t see the shock on Willow’s face. The pain. The uncertainty when she looks at me… and him. She is uncertain. And if she is uncertain now then let him talk to her about their history, what they had. Let him tell her what they might have again. How he was so sorry. How it would all be better now. And then she will be certain that he has something to offer her.
She won’t want me at all.
Maybe for spells, or perhaps even as a friend. If I am really, really lucky.
But how could that work? As far as they had gone in their relationship they could never be just friends. Not now. It would always be awkward. Would Willow be embarrassed by her? Would she come to hate me, perhaps prompted to that by Oz’s feelings when he found out about her? Could Willow even be a friend to a person she had loved? But not loved enough to choose her over him.
Could I exist as a friend like that? After being so close?
It would rip me apart inside. She knew that would be true. It already is.
I have to get out.
People were looking at Willow and asking how she was after he left with his arrangement made. People wondered if she was ok. And no one is asking me how I am. Why should they? I’m the big secret. The thing Willow can’t admit to just yet for whatever reason. And what would I say of they did ask?
I have to get out of here.
‘I just, um - I realized, um, I'm-I'm late for study group’ she explained lamely. Study group? Even if it had been true – which Willow of course knew it wasn’t, then there was no way that she could have studied. No way anything but that name could occupy her brain. Oz. And all that he meant.
Willow asked her to stay, to wait for her. But she couldn’t – because even if she could have stayed, if she could have survived that then they couldn’t. Not here, not surrounded by people who did not know. Not now. And even if they had escaped together… she couldn’t have faced the reassurances – if they had come at all – from Willow, knowing that they would probably be worthless. Not because Willow wouldn’t believe what she was saying, but because in some things she knew Willow better than Willow knew herself. She knew what he meant to Willow.
Oz.
‘No, no, it's okay. You-you should be with your friends, and, and I-I should go.’ There was nothing else for it and she managed to make it to the door, saw the van she assumed belonged to him leave ahead of her, relieved as she had been terrified in case she ran into him. She made it out of the door and down to the corner before the moan forced it’s way up from deep within her and the tears flooded to her eyes. Forcing herself to remain upright, the sky had clouded over and it looked like rain might fall soon. Perhaps it would wash me away from where I fall in the gutter. She wouldn’t care if it did.
Willow asking her to wait before she exited had no effect on her. She couldn’t let it. She had been forced to get out. She couldn’t even look back and see if the woman she loved was alright, because much as she did love Willow she had to get out of there. She wanted to be strong and this was her being strong. Getting out. Before she hurt Willow. Before her pain influenced the decision that Willow had to make for the right reasons. Willow would know that it hurt – she had suffered such a hurt herself – but it wasn’t sympathy that Tara wanted to influence Willow’s choice. It could only be love. And so she had to get out. Before it hurt her so much that she collapsed in a shuddering heap and sobbed and forced Willow to pity her.
She actually made it back to her dorm before that happened.
Where the journey took her she had no conscious idea. She was sure that some people were asking her on the main street if she was ok. She brushed past them with their questions and attempts at a reassurance or ignored them entirely. “It’ll be alright” some people told her. They had no idea what was wrong – let alone that it would be alright. She couldn’t answer because she wasn’t ok. She was pretty damn far from ok. She was barely even coping enough to get herself home and took not exactly wrong turns but definitely longer routes than were necessary when all she wanted to do was to get back to her room, shut the door and the curtains and lock herself away from the hurt.
Trouble was the hurt was with her already, locking the door would just trap it with her.
And finally closing the door to her room behind her she fell to the bed and let the anguish go. It was choking her. Filling her chest, her lungs as if she was drowning. The sobs came and they threatened to overwhelm her. And eventually, a long time afterwards they could come no more. It was some hours though before the darkness inside her, perhaps fortunately, claimed her. She was clasping the pillow that Willow had last night rested her head on as some sort of empty substitute and allowed nervous exhaustion to claim her. Blessed sleep finally came with no painful awareness of reality as it now existed.
When she awoke, startled awake by a noise in the hall outside it was still as dark outside as it was in her heart – where it was also cold. She made no move to switch on a light. Just sitting there in the dark. What was the point? The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?
No that wasn’t something to think about. Willow wouldn’t do…that thing. Not immediately. Not so soon. What they had, she and Willow, had together was more real than anything that could happen in a single night. Even a night with Oz? Wasn’t it?
But even so. Even though Willow wouldn’t do anything she would be talking to him. Right now in her room they would be talking and they had so much to talk about.
The past. She and Willow didn’t have a past. Not really. Not compared to Willow and Oz.
The present. He had been gone so they had to talk about the present. And here she was. Not in Willow’s present.
The future. The future that Tara did not have now that Oz was in Willow’s.
What was there left to do?
It started as a tiny part of her mental process, growing though as she sat there in the darkness. Beyond tears now. The possibilities roiling over and over in her mind. None of them good, but for this growing nugget of possibility that was emerging.
It wasn’t hope.
But it wasn’t resignation either.
She could fight.
Well at least try. Try to keep Willow. She could talk to Willow. It wasn’t her strongest point. Talking about important, critical stuff. The kind of stuff that could change, ruin or make her life under pressure. But she could do it. She could try to help Willow see that she did have a real choice. That she did want to be with her. That she thought that Willow had wanted the same thing.
And if that did not work then she would give Willow up. If that was what would make the other woman happy. What she needed to be happy, then Tara knew she would let her go. Because letting go was better than just losing Willow entirely. But at least she would have said her bit. She would have fought for the chance to be with her Willow.
And then she would go home.
It would be the only place left. Willow had given her the will to stay here. Willow had given her the reason to stay – even as just a friend. But without Willow what was there? Just the drain on her family’s resources that she would remain for no good reason. And she wasn’t about to try again to make friends, to find a new reason to stay, because staying and seeing them together – a constant reminder of what could have been. What should have been would be more than she could handle. It would hurt and she didn’t want to be hurt any more than seemed inevitable. Or to drag it out.
And she didn’t want to make things difficult for Willow, or uncomfortable. Even if she wasn’t in it she wanted Willow’s life to be perfect. She’d wanted to make it perfect and if that meant leaving them together then so be it.
But consider that word. Inevitable.
Is it?
Is anything really?
Dawn was finally breaking outside. Birds starting their incessant annoying chirping. The sun rising to return light to the land, into her room. Warming light – replacing the full moon – a full moon… he’d tamed the wolf as he had intended to.
And if he could do that then nothing was inevitable.
Something could always get in the way. One day even the sun might fail to rise. Or the moon. Of course chances were no human would ever see that but nothing was inevitable. Tara knew she wasn’t a fighter. But she was also sick of feeling she had no options. No choices. No chance.
No right to happiness.
It was with this thought that she washed and undressed from her crumpled clothes of the terrible day before, freshening up and preparing herself for what might be another terrible day. But that wasn’t inevitable at least.
She knew what she wanted and she knew that she was going to lose that…lose Willow… if she stayed here wallowing in her self-pity, reasonable as it might seem right now. Because she also knew that if she did nothing then self-pity would be all she had left.
Heading out into the fresh new day, the air cool, she shivered. But it wasn’t the cold that did that. It was fear. Fear that for now at least she had conquered. She had to see Willow. To tell her that she was still here. That she, Willow, had a choice. That it wasn’t a given that she should return to Oz.
They all had choices.
And this choice loved her too.
She knocked on the door, reluctantly almost. What would she find? A Willow who had decided that she was getting back with Oz? Willow wanting to give him a chance? A Willow in pain? Or maybe Willow who had chosen her… Maybe he had thought better of it and never come round. She had to think happy, positive thoughts.
Oh.
The door opened and there stood Oz and all her resolve, her determination melted away.
It was too early in the morning for him to be just visiting. That was why she had chosen this time. That and the fact that she couldn’t stay in that empty room a moment longer. She had to tell Willow what her options, their options, were. And she also had to know how the talk with Oz had gone. What might have been said or happened.
And now she did.
‘Oh, sorry, I-I-I'll come back’ she said to him, determined just to go. To get back to that large empty room for more than a moment.
‘Are you looking for Willow? She's just in the bathroom down the hall’ he told her, helpfully. Clearly he didn’t know. About them. What them could have meant. He seemed pleasant though. And that just made it worse. Couldn’t he have been nasty? Couldn’t he have made it easier to hate him as a person rather as the love of Willow’s life?
‘No, no. No, it's, it's okay.’ She backed away from door. Got to leave. Even if Willow was there, what was she going to say now? He had stayed the night. What else was there to say? Everything that they had been had come to nothing.
‘I saw you at Giles' yesterday,’ he persisted, probably trying to be friendly but she just wanted to get away from him, from here. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He probably thought she was weird. She didn’t care. It didn’t matter what he thought.
She mumbled something about her presence there and when he invited her to come in again, to wait for Willow she knew that she would have to wait. Wait for Willow to come and end it all for her. Because there was nothing else left to do. She couldn’t stay here. She left and heard the door, Willow’s door, shut behind her. It was more than a metaphor, it seemed inevitable.
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She's my always
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
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Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
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Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
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Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
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quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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posted September 06, 2001 02:38 A clear account of the early part of this episode. You concentrate on Tara's reaction, which is precisely what we never saw fully explored in the show. The scenes of her leaving Giles' and returning home were well thought out.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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posted September 06, 2001 03:01 Maybe it's my mood and my own tough choices but man some of these lines got to me tonight."They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
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posted September 06, 2001 04:58 Can I join your fan club?Just came back on the board and I have to say this is superb.IP: LoggedForristerWillowhand For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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posted September 06, 2001 07:01 I began reading this and immediately had my heart torn out at Tara's pain. Then I wanted to teleport Oz back to Tibet. Finally I was getting all set to be really pissed off with Willow if she decided to pass over Tara for Oz. .... And then I remembered ... she didn't,... and I began to breathe again.For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
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posted September 06, 2001 09:58 I need a box of kleenex and water to rehydrate myself (sniffff!). Even though I know the conclusion I can't help but be moved by Tara's pain. This is beautifully written.IP: LoggedWiccanBexGay Now! (that's all i have to say... it's great...)
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posted September 06, 2001 10:26 oh! this is so great!(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
IP: LoggedmollyigWillowhand Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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posted September 06, 2001 10:48 This is wonderful work. I love that part where Oz comes in, and you can see how upset Tara was by that. Your words brilliantly portray her thoughts at that time.Now . . . when do we get more??
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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posted September 06, 2001 11:15 Katharyn you rock as always! I need the next part!!!!------------------
"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
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posted September 06, 2001 13:29 *Smiles* That really seems to have touched something in people. Good, it was supposed to. That was one of the first that was written in this cycle of stories with others then built around it. That was where my interest lay. In fact for a long long time I was not going to even bother with Extra Flamey scene... *shock horror* and leave NMR with this. But heck it was just too damn depressing - the whole series so it gets better for them.Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
IP: LoggedBunnyDoll's eye crystal IP: Logged
posted September 06, 2001 16:22 This really churned me up inside. Good job.IP: LoggednikaCool Monster Fighter IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 13:32 I really want more of this story soon.IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
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And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
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Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
Katharyn.
---------------
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
-----------------
And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
-------------------
Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 14:06 You know, here's the truth--human beings are all the angels and devils we need. Nothing makes us more gloriously happy, or drops us into the darkest of despairs, than our relationships with each other.Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 14:14quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by tommo » Wed Sep 05, 2001 11:38 pm
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by xita » Thu Sep 06, 2001 12:01 am
"They could be happy together. I could be happy too."
If this isn't the story of my life recently, I could be happy too.
"The light had gone from her life. Right now they would be in Willow’s room – where Tara had never even been yet – together. Willow and Oz. Oz and Willow. And what else might happen?"
Poor Tara, where she had never been, must have felt like a shameful thing to be hidden and never taken out of the erm, closet.
"And this choice loved her too."
oh sigh, again, got to me.
Bring on the angst.
by magrat » Thu Sep 06, 2001 1:58 am
by Forrister » Thu Sep 06, 2001 4:01 am
For a moment you managed to actually make me forget the episode. I'm not sure it gets any better than this!
Rem tene, verba sequentur.
(Keep to the subject and the words will follow.)
by nika » Thu Sep 06, 2001 6:58 am
by WiccanBex » Thu Sep 06, 2001 7:26 am
(that's all i have to say... it's great...)
by mollyig » Thu Sep 06, 2001 7:48 am
Now . . . when do we get more??
------------------
"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
by catliz16 » Thu Sep 06, 2001 8:15 am
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
by Katharyn » Thu Sep 06, 2001 10:29 am
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 06, 2001).]
by Bunny » Thu Sep 06, 2001 1:22 pm
by nika » Fri Sep 07, 2001 10:32 am
by Katharyn » Fri Sep 07, 2001 10:35 am
Katharyn.
---------------
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – The Flickering Flame. (Currently Part 19)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “New Moon Rising”
Summary: Directly following “The Dimming Flame” back to Willow. You all know where this is going…
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13 (but it changes next time!)
Couples: W/T – if only they knew that.
Notes: This would have been written in just one sitting other than the fact that I got a mighty cramp in my wrist that said cease and desist. I know too well the dangers of ignoring that warning. I had allowed three days to write this and then redraft after. I got 90% of it done in 2 hours. The words just flowed and flowed and flowed. That is total testimony to the writers of New Moon Rising. Their set-up gave me the impetus.
The transcript from http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ was used to get the lines from the episode right – some of these are so perfect and precious that I can’t leave them out just try and add my humble efforts to them. Some of this is thus missing scene, some thoughts built around scripted lines. Pretty much all spoken dialogue in this story is pulled from the transcript and is not mine in any way shape or form. All credit to the transcribers and writers of the episode. I just added the thoughts and some post-scene stuff.
Thanks To: Anna who inspired some late additions to this story particularly by her request for the explanation for the whole “Oz smells Willow on Tara” stuff. I think it is much better that these are included, and we get to see the rest of those suggestions played out in the next part too. L as always - she keeps amazing me even when she is not here…
The Beginning’s Cycle
The Flickering Flame
By Katharyn Rosser
Willow returned to her room, and Oz, still unable to believe that they had slipped so easily back into just being able to talk to each other. Actually that he could say so much, that it had not all been her talking. He was really trying in a way that he never had before. It was like meeting a whole new person in some ways. And he wasn't afraid to show just what he was trying for.
He wants me back. There had been times in the last few months that she had dreamed that would be true. Other times that she would have condemned him for even suggesting it. And now…
He wants me to take him back despite it all, everything that happened. And he actually thought that we might have… just now because he heard that I don’t have a new guy... and that would make it alright after all this time would it? That he could just… After what he had done why would she go there? After his betrayal, his leaving her. Why would she?
He was Oz though.
He didn’t want to push he said but it wouldn’t have been that much of a push would it? To actually do that thing? She had decided on breakfast instead but he had actually thought it might happen. And how wrong had he been? If there had not been something, someone else in her mind and her heart would she, might she have allowed that to happen? Wanted it to? What did that say about her?
There was no way that she could truly answer that because everything had changed. Everything. He had tried to kill her, as the wolf. And he had betrayed her with that were-bitch. And he had left her alone without a word to say he was even safe, let alone that he might come back. Or when. Just turned up, asked Xander of all people, whether I was involved with anyone and then thought he could step back into my life because he got an answer he liked. What would he have done if found out there was?
Maybe he could have stepped back into my life, still could. But she had changed too.
She had found Tara.
And she wanted me too.
Tara. Goddess what will this all be doing to her? It was the first time she had thought to even ask herself that most important of questions. In that whole night, talking with Oz she was ashamed to admit to herself that she now realised that the woman she loved had barely crossed her mind. When Tara had left Giles’s she had wanted to run after her, to hold her, to tell her it would be alright and that this wouldn’t change anything. But even then she had known that she couldn’t promise that to Tara. So she hadn’t followed. She didn’t even let Tara know that Oz being here was not the end of them. Tara didn’t know. And since then her thoughts had been all Oz. Questioned and reassured by her friends, but unable to speak to the person who had mattered before he had come round. She had thought of Tara only in the sense that it was something for her, Willow, to consider. Not thinking what this was doing to the other woman. It shamed her.
And here he was. Oz. Looking puzzled at the door. Why puzzled? It was a door, wasn’t he used to doors, didn’t they have doors in Tibet? Maybe not, but you don’t lose door skills. ‘What?’ she asked.
‘Your friend came by. The blonde girl? But she wouldn't stay’ Oz said, turning to grab his coat so that they could go out and get that big breakfast.
Oh…
‘So what do you think? Where you wanna go?’ he asked her but she hardly even registered the question let alone came up with an answer for him.
Oh Tara no… not now. Why did you come here now? She felt like a criminal. It hadn’t been her fault, but Tara arriving at this hour… seeing Oz. She felt that it was her fault. And now she knew what Tara would be thinking, she didn’t have to worry anymore, she knew what Tara would think had happened here. Oh Tara…
And how could he move on from dropping that bombshell to breakfast? Had he no heart? But he didn’t know and that was half the problem wasn't it? He had a heart, he had opened it last night more than she had ever heard him do before. Laid it all out, their past and his experiences after leaving, the present – he was intending to reenrol – and what he hoped for in the future. Which was her. Or actually them.
The trouble was Willow also had a heart. Just it wasn't hers anymore. Her heart had been torn in two and was held by Oz and Tara – but equally? The only heart that she had right now was Tara’s, freely given and what would that woman think, finding Oz here, now. So early. She would jump to an inevitable conclusion… I would do the same. I have done the same. And that time I wasn't wrong. Would Tara believe that she was? Could she be made to believe the truth? She had to accept it.
But how much worse if they had not decided to go for breakfast? If Tara had arrived to find them… otherwise? I could never have faced her again if it had been that, but I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t want to. At least part of me still wanted her, just her. A big part of her. I can salvage this. I can try and make her understand. I can make her see that this wasn't anything more than just talking… all night whilst he wants me back true… but just talking. That I haven’t abandoned her.
Yet.
Because she couldn’t dismiss the possibility that she might have to.
She went to breakfast with Oz and just wanted it to stop. If he noticed that she was being weird and withdrawn then he said nothing about it to her. And she couldn’t have told him why even had he asked. She just wanted to be elsewhere so she could get away from him, because when she was this close then there didn’t seem to be any choice left for her. It seemed inevitable when she was with him that they would get back together. He was Oz! And she didn’t want it to be inevitable. For once she wanted there to be a hard choice. She wanted to make it because she could never have both and didn’t want both. She wanted the right one. And she wanted to choose quickly. Before someone got hurt.
Worse than they already had been.
-----------------
And it – things - just kept getting harder and harder. She was going to have to reveal the truth, before the weight of Buffy’s expectation started to sway her. All of her life she had ended up fitting in with people’s expectations. Until Tara who had never expected or demanded anything of her – but to know if they were friends. And though Buffy was being sympathetic and supporto-best friend-gal that didn’t make her right. It wasn't as great as Buffy seemed to think it would be to have Oz back.
‘No, there's "woo" and, and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh," and… "why now?" And… it's complicated.’ Goddess knew that it was that. It was more than complicated. It was a knot that she had to unravel to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. Before she got sucked under.
‘Why complicated?’ Buffy asked her
Buffy obviously not getting it at all. But why should she? I never gave her a heads up. Never a hint, never a clue. I flat out lied to her – a lot - even back before there was a reason to lie. If ever there was. Was I ashamed of Tara was that it? Was I ashamed of myself? What I was becoming? What I became… did I become, really?
Or am I just scared.
It was too late for being scared though now. No she was forced to take a stand and let some of it out, because if she didn’t talk to someone other than Oz, then she was never going to be able to talk to Tara. Not without saying the wrong thing, or collapsing in tears and ruining everything. She needed a best friend and here she had one. So…
She sighed, readied herself. ‘It's complicated... because of Tara.’ There that wasn't so hard, it only took a personal crisis of previously unheard of proportions to get me to the point where I was able to say it. Xander, Oz, Cordy – that had been child’s play compared to this. Then she had known that she was wrong. It was wrong. That it wasn't going anywhere. Now though she knew that she could go somewhere whichever way she went. But not both ways. Admit it, she thought of her friendship with Buffy again, we’re obviously so close that I can tell her anything. Except that I was having major changes in my life. That I loved someone and wanted to be with them. Piddly stuff, hardly even worth mentioning - or not. I couldn’t tell her until now and now only because I need to tell someone. Anyone would have done.
And still she had been too oblique. Buffy was not immediately sure of what she meant, she could see that. Confusion reigned and Willow hoped she was not going to have to spell this out word by word. If Buffy had considered for a moment prior to this one what Willow was saying then she might have got it, but why should she? It took me long enough to consider it, why should she? It’s not like I became stereotypical gay gal or anything. I’m just me. I always have been. People usually are.
Frowning Buffy eventually asked ‘You mean Tara has a crush on Oz?’
Now there was something to laugh at, maybe one day they would. Maybe they would look back at that conclusion and roll around on the floor belly laughing. But right now her belly was just filled with fear and pain no room for laughter in there.
‘No.’ Buffy was thinking, realisation seemed to dawn at last. ‘Oh!’
She finally got it. Pretty quick considering everything Willow had to admit. And now something else to wonder about – how will Buffy react? But actually she didn’t have the energy or time to care much right now. She could sort that out later. Right now I just can’t care. It doesn’t matter to me at all, I have bigger -
Buffy stood up and moved… away.
Oh god, she's horrified Willow thought as her friend put the distance between them. She can’t bring herself to sit next to me, let alone give me the hug and the comfort I need right now. On top of everything else, that… Absolutely wonderful. Can this get any worse?
‘Oh. Um... well... that's great. You know, I mean, I think Tara's a, a really great girl, Will.’ Buffy told her.
Yup. The words were hollow, forced and not sincere. Buffy didn’t even know Tara beyond her being a witch who helped them out. How could she say that? Better for Buffy to stay quiet than to spout platitudes. But she had to agree with the words. ‘She is. And… there's something between us. It-it wasn't something I was looking for. It's just powerful. And it's totally different from what Oz and I have.’ And not just anatomically. It was the proverbial chalk and cheese. There was nothing similar about her options. Except both of them loved her. Which was what made it all so hard. And she loved them. Didn’t she? She loved Tara, she knew she had loved Oz. It was a question of whether to give that love a chance. First or second chance.
‘Well, there you go, I mean, you know, you have to - you have to follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.’ Buffy stumbled through the sentences as if she had no idea what to say beyond what she should as a friend.
But still it was true. She did have to follow her heart. But she couldn’t go in two totally opposing directions at the same time.
‘Why do you keep saying my name like that?’ Buffy was obviously freaked. Or at least wierded out.
Buffy tried to lose the inflection but it was still forced, just cheerful and forced. ‘Like what, Will?’
Lacking the patience to accept that, to dance around it, or even to deal with it later she just came out and asked her question of Buffy. She sat up from her reclining position. ‘Are you freaked?’ Tell me the truth and lets get it out the way. I have to be somewhere. With someone, but first I need my friend back.
‘What? No, Will, d-‘ Buffy gave it up there, realising perhaps that she wasn't helping. ‘No.’
It didn’t sound very sincere to Willow.
Buffy came back and sat beside her again on the bed. ‘No, absolutely no to that question’ she finally said.
With the way that everything else was going today, Willow thought she might be forgiven for not quite buying into that reassurance but it sounded real. It had to be a little hard though. Better to think about this later – when everything else was…sorted. Buffy though changed the subject anyway – and my how effectively.
‘I'm glad you told me. What did you say to Oz?’ she’d asked.
Willow did think that she was glad of knowing. She hoped that it was because Buffy was pleased that Willow trusted her enough to tell her something like that after all the changes that had happened this year. But it might be anything that she meant.
‘I was gonna tell him ... but then we started hanging out, and ... I could just feel everything coming back.’ That was true enough. She couldn’t have told Oz about Tara without telling him exactly what Tara meant to her, and if she had done that how might he have reacted? She hadn’t wanted to talk to him – and if she had told him then it couldn’t be at the end of their talk, “by the way I’m in love with a woman.” It would have to have been right off, and then he would have reacted. He would have been shocked, having more reason than most to disbelieve that, hurt and he would have gone away and she wasn't sure that she wanted him to go away.
Or he might have reacted… badly. On a full moon as well. She had been scared in more ways than one.
And once they had started to talk properly then it was all a moot point. Too late and not something she even wanted to do. But now she was in danger of letting that proximity swamp her. Of allowing Tara’s absence move her closer to Oz. And that wasn't fair to Tara. How could she let that happen? Tara let her go off with Oz without a complaint and that pushes me towards him.
No.
Not like that. It will not be like that.
There would be no childishness, no “I won’t have either of you then.” She wanted one. She hoped she would get the one she wanted. That she wouldn’t lose both because of how she treated them. She had to be fair. She had to be honest and she had to do – whatever it was that she did – for the right reasons.
But which was it to be?
Buffy looked at her sympathetically. Getting it now perhaps? Willow wondered. Say what you like about Buffy’s unconventional love life this was not something that the Slayer had got caught up in. Being stuck between two people that she loved.
‘He's Oz, you know?’ And he was Oz. That statement used to be unique, but if Buffy had known Tara and it was that woman who had returned to Willow then she might equally have said “She's Tara you know.” And she hoped that Buffy would know.
‘Yeah. I know.’ Buffy confirmed.
They would all get it with Oz. But with Tara. They wouldn’t get it at all. Mainly because they didn’t know her. How can they support me in that decision when they don’t even know her? How can they welcome Tara? Though they should have by now. ‘I don't wanna hurt anyone, Buffy.’ But she knew that was not really an option. Someone was going to get hurt. Oz, herself or worse Tara. Worse?
Yes worse. Because it would destroy Tara’s faith in people. Tara had opened up to her after years of solitude. And to snatch it away now… But even that could not sway her. It had to be right.
‘No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest, or it's gonna be a lot worse.’ Pearls of wisdom dropped from Buffy’s mouth and Willow needed to hear them. But she also knew that already. She nodded in response.
And then Buffy gave her what she needed. Buffy put her arm around her and Willow let the tears out on Buffy’s shoulder, because she didn’t want to be storing them up before her next stop.
She had to see…
-------------------
Tara.
Tara opened the door to her. When she had arrived Willow had almost hoped that she would not answer, or would not be in. But it was good she was. Because some things had to be cleared up before they festered and ruined everything that they might, still, have.
‘Hi.’ Willow said after what seemed an age. Hi? Hi was the best she could come up with? Hi… But what else was there to say?
‘Hi’ replied Tara standing back from the doorway so that she could come into a room that had always seemed safe to Willow and now it seemed like walking into the lions den. Except she might well be the lion and Tara the poor sacrificial victim. A victim shutting the door behind her and sealing them in. In many ways Tara was so strong but Willow couldn’t help seeing her as the victim here – because she was. None of this was her fault and yet she suffers most. There was no one in the world that Willow would rather have gone to for strength and advice to get through this than Tara. Course she couldn’t lean on Tara this time.
‘I can only stay for a minute. I have class.’ Willow told her And why am I even thinking of going. Will I be able to concentrate? Will I learn a single thing?
‘Me too, I-I-I have class too’ Tara replied.
So they had that in common too. They both had class.
And they were in love.
‘I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't-’ But Tara stopped her and Willow knew what she was going to say. She was going to say it was ok, that she understood. That she accepted Willow’s decision. That she hoped she would be happy with him. Why can’t she just get angry with me? Shout at me, tell me that she won’t let me go. That she will fight it?
‘No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back-’ Tara told her.
Oh no, she has been thinking about it, waiting for him to return. And now he has, her nightmares were coming true. The nightmare I imposed on her. And that just made it worse.
‘We were just talking. Nothing happened.’ That was true, but something could have if Tara hadn’t already meant so much to her. But Tara did, so it hadn’t. It wasn't much of a reason – but it was the only one that mattered. But she couldn’t tell Tara that – that she was the big reason that she and Oz had not gone further. Despite there being so many good reasons. It would be a false comfort. Tara would then just feel that she was already coming between them.
And seeing the hopeful smile spread across Tara’s face she thought that maybe, maybe Tara would not give up. Not until she had to at least. Not until the end. And how would she know it was the end? Willow knew that she would have to stand here again and tell her…
‘Oh.’ Tara paused. ‘Really?’
Tara doubted, and Willow could not blame her for it as she told Tara with a nod that she was telling the truth, not just trying to make her feel better.
And she continued to tell her the truth. She could do nothing less for Tara, even if that was not what the other woman wanted. ‘But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about.’ She frowned ‘I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode.’ And she knew that Tara knew what she meant. Saying that she knew that she was longing for Tara’s strength. Her advice. And that just wasn't fair to ask for that – even indirectly. But she had – that was how much she had come to rely on Tara’s wisdom – just as much as her love.
‘Whatever, you know, happens ... I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend.’ Tara promised her.
It was what they had told each other before once or twice. When Willow had another choice to make. They just seemed to keep going around in circles. Angst filled circles. And every time they seemed to be getting somewhere… along came more angst. You couldn’t write about their lives…
‘Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.’ But it was wasn't it? Willow knew what this was going to do to Tara if the decision went against her. And she knew that even if the other woman made it through that ok, that they would never be the same again. Maybe because I don’t think that I would dare to face her again. Even if I have to. Tara was getting more and more upset. Barely holding herself together in the face of Willow’s problem.
‘But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you.’ Tara confirmed that she understood.
That got to Willow, not because it wasn't true but Tara was omitting what she meant to her. She should know that too. ‘How can you, when I'm not even sure? I mean, I know what he meant to me. But he left, and… everything changed. I changed, and… then we-’
‘What?’ Tara asked.
This was too much, she had feared it might happen that she might not make it through this. She was supposed to be reassuring Tara without cracking. ‘I don't know. I just - life was starting to get so good again, and -’ She moved closer to Tara, sighing. ‘You're a big part of that.’ Tara was the only part of that. It was Tara all of it. All that was good recently had been Tara. And that brought the tears. ‘And here comes the thing I wanted most of all, and… I don't know what to do, I ... I wanna know, but I don't.’ She was asking – again. Asking Tara to tell her what to do, because she just didn’t know.
And what could she expect from Tara. To be told to choose her, to be told how good it would be. To be told what Oz had done to her, how Tara had found her – the states they were both in. What they had done for each other…?
No. Tara just looked at her, sympathy in her heart as well as her face as she brushed the rolling tear from Willow’s cheek.
‘Do what makes you ... h-h-happy.’ Tara instructed her.
And that was it wasn't it. She had to do what made her happy, but that would not be a happy thing. It was going to hurt her as well as the person she could not be with. It had to. But for Tara to be so selfless. To tell her that, not knowing who it was that would make her happy. Not believing that it would be her that Willow chose obviously. That was devotion of an order Willow doubted she would ever know again – unless she chose this woman over…
Oz.
And she fell into that devoted woman’s arms seeking comfort and finding a person who loved her, another one. Tara stroked her hair and eventually without a word being spoken they fell apart under the weight of the emotion. And as they first sat the tears started to flow freely and then eventually they lay on the bed, each trying to comfort the other and to draw that comfort, to stop the tears, holding each other so tightly for the few short minutes that they had available. It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time. And as such it could not help them feel better. But when they had to break that clinch the tears were still there, the love was still there, the passion for each other undimmed.
How could this be the end?
Neither knew the answer but both knew that it might be and neither felt in control of that destiny.
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 07, 2001).]
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 14:06 You know, here's the truth--human beings are all the angels and devils we need. Nothing makes us more gloriously happy, or drops us into the darkest of despairs, than our relationships with each other.Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted September 07, 2001 14:14quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by Zahir » Fri Sep 07, 2001 11:06 am
Willow is Tara's heaven. And Tara is Willow's.
So either one can be the other's hell.
Yet how wonderful that such danger seems a small price to pay! And that's just what I get from this story!
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
by tommo » Fri Sep 07, 2001 11:14 am
quote:
It was with the chaste, passionate, ferocity of lovers who realised that it might be for the last time.
And that kind of sums that whole episode up, really. Nice use of imagery there though, especially the conflicting description.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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