Disclaimer: I don't own any f these people, nor do I own the song. Thanks Vanessa Carlton. Thanks Joss, they're lovely. I just wanted to play around a bit, hope you all don't mind.
A Thousand Miles
Chance
~ Making my way downtown, Walking fast, Faces passed, And I'm home bound… ~
Her feet hit the sidewalk rhythmically, each step a beat against the cement. Her eyes were closed, but occasionally she glanced ahead of her, if not for any other reason than just to make sure she didn't hit anyone. She knew the way well enough that she could walk home without much effort. It was better, because if she had to concentrate - if she had to look around her, she would probably start crying again. That's all she could do lately. Part of it, she imagined, had to do with the dark magic that still flooded her system. It demanded to be used, and it took every bit of strength and will power she had in her body to hold back. Her restraint was admirable. But most of it, and she knew this, was her heart attempting to repair itself. It was a painful process. She knew her broken heart was her own fault, after all, Tara would have had no reason to leave other than the black magic. If she hadn't used the black magic on Tara, perhaps even then Tara might have stayed. But she committed two rather large errors in that regard. She didn't blame Tara, but she missed her.
~ Staring blankly ahead, Just making my way, Making my way, Through the crowd ~
So, if she had to look up and watch what was passing her by, she would lose all the resolve she had built up not to cry today. She knew instinctively where she was. She could see the shops as she passed them. The benches, the alleyways… places where they had hurriedly escaped simply so they wouldn't have to endure a moment longer without each other's lips. There was something about the physicality of their relationship - something beautiful, powerful. She knew the other Scoobies saw them as chaste, intensely private. She allowed herself a smile at that. Yes, perhaps they were private about it, but only because it was something they both regarded as special, as theirs alone. If they felt like it, she was sure they could have come up with quite a show for the others. But what was the point? She had no interest in showing the whole world what went on behind her closed doors. It was something that she cherished.
~ And I need you, and I miss you. And now I wonder.... ~
The tears came to her eyes unbidden anyway. She thought too deeply about their relationship. It always happened. She stopped, and leaned back against the wall of the coffee shop. Resting her back to it, she buried her face in her hands. Everything that was Tara came flooding to her. The cobalt blue of Tara's eyes staring so deeply into as if trying to prove she loved her in yet another way. The weight of Tara's arm over her side while they slept, the feel of Tara's body pressed into her back. Tara's legs slipped in between hers, their bodies merged together so that neither one could bother to tell who's limb was whose. Tara's voice as she calmly read to herself in whispers. She really did miss the girl with all she had. She felt the sting of her loss in waves that hit her body, tossing her back against the wall again and again. And things were harder without her. Things were… horrible. She couldn't help but reach out, wondering where the other girl was. She didn't feel her, but she knew she was out there. Her ability to track Tara had become scrambled a bit by all of the dark magic. She knew Tara felt it, and it was yet another way she felt defeated. She slid down and sat against the wall.
~ If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight. ~
All she wanted was to be swallowed up. She felt lonely and cold, she felt angry and helpless. There wasn't much she could do. Buffy and Dawn had been walking on egg shells around her, avoiding the topic of patrol and the like, because they knew if they needed magic to defeat a demon, it would just serve to remind Willow. They tried their best, but it just seemed to put a strain on the house. Willow had overheard Dawn on more than one occasion tell Buffy how badly she thought Willow needed Tara back. She agreed. But she didn't think she deserved the chance.
* * *
~ It's always times like these when I think of you, and I wonder if you ever think of me ~
Tara had been sitting in the coffee shop for a little over an hour now, drinking mochas and reading, attempting to simply lose herself. But she knew it was fairly pointless, why would you come to a place with so many memories to try and forget? It seemed pointless, but she knew deep down that it was because she didn't want to forget. She missed Willow. Her whole body missed Willow, aching for the redhead's touch, embrace. But internally she ached for the girl. She wanted her laugh, and her smile, and her thoughts, and her babble. The only thing about Willow she didn't want was the magic. Not now, at least. Given the opportunity, and the certainty that Willow was getting past the dark magic, she'd love to teach the girl the right way to do it again. She sighed, setting the book down and finishing off the last of the coffee. She put the book back in her bag and tossed it over her shoulder. Rubbing her temples lightly, she stood, hurrying out of the store lest the memories of the girl get the best of her.
* * *
~ 'Cause everything's so wrong, and I don't belong living in your precious memories ~
Maybe it would just be better if she applied to go away to school, maybe UCLA or something like that. She could still be around if they needed her, but far enough away that she wasn't in the way. She could go away so that Tara could find someone else and not think about her. She wanted that for Tara, she wanted her to be happy. She wanted Tara not to even think of her and the pain she caused. If Tara could just forget about her, and find someone else and be happy, Willow might even be able to make it. (She knew she was just lying to herself, but she did just want Tara's happiness.) She just couldn't take being here in Sunnydale a second longer without the blond somewhere nearby. She felt as if she were going stir crazy. Without Tara or magic, who was she? Willow Rosenberg, nerd extraordinare. So why not go to school somewhere impressive and make a career? It's what she would have been if not for Buffy, and maybe it's what she should have done all along. But what would she do at school? Sit around and cry? Most likely. Sure, she'd probably have a 4.0, but… she'd never be happy. She couldn't see herself never being happy again. She could try to meet someone, she imagined, but no woman could ever live up to Tara. No person in this entire world could ever make her feel as Tara had, and she was loath to even think about trying to find it again. What she and Tara had - it was once in a lifetime stuff, the thing dreams come from. She and Tara had a fairy tale relationship -- their love deserved a happy ever after. Their ties were too strong, their love too deep. And god how she missed it.
* * *
~ 'Cause I need you, and I miss you, and now I wonder... if I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by, 'cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could Just see you tonight… ~
Tara shuffled out of the coffee shop, trudging out onto the street, feeling no better than when she entered. She nearly missed the form sitting on the wall to her left. But a car passing reflected the sunlight off of a window and hit the red hair illuminating it for the briefest of seconds. The flash of red made Tara turn quicker than anything else in her short life. She knew that flash of red; she knew it better than she knew the back of her own hand. Sure enough, there she was. The girl she had come here trying to put to rest in her mind. And she was sitting outside the coffee shop - crying? Oh, Willow, what's wrong? Tara felt her heart rip out. She stood, frozen…
* * *
~ And I, I don't want to let you know I, I drown in your memory I, I don't want to let this go, I, I don't... ~
Willow sighed, resting her head against the wall behind her. Everything was Tara. Everything is Tara. Nothing will ever change that will make this better. She knew that everyone assumed she would get over it eventually, or that they'd get back together. Willow hoped they'd get back together, but knew if they didn't she'd never get over Tara. She might move on, someday. But she'd never be over the blond girl. The blond, shy girl who captured her heart with a smile and a stutter and kept it with her intelligence and strength. She just knew that in her heart, she'd never let Tara go. She didn't want to.
Looking down at Willow, Tara knew one thing. She'd never be able to forget the redhead. She could try for the rest of her life, but Willow would still firmly hold her heart. It was pointless to even attempt to "get over her". She didn't want to let the girl go. She moved towards Willow, slowly, carefully, not wanting to scare the girl, but wanting so desperately to comfort her.
* * *
~ And I still need you, and I still miss you, and now I wonder... if I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass us by, 'cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you… ~
Willow felt someone coming towards her, and instinctively jumped up. Through hooded and tear filled eyes she surveyed her attacker, her eyes settling first on blond hair. Blond hair? Long blond hair? Blue eyes, a peasant shirt, a skirt, and Tara's backpack. Tara? She wiped her tears from her face, trying to focus on her former girlfriend, the love of her life. "Tara?" Her voice came barely above a whisper, more of a moan let out from her throat.
Tara looked at her for a moment, taking in all that was Willow. Wasn't that her sweater? She allowed herself a smile. Willow was wearing her sweater. It didn't drop from her face, but it lessened slightly as she let out her name. "Willow."
Willow's heart dropped. Tara had been smiling, but now it was a ghost on her face. "I'm sorry… I was just leaving." She wanted to run away and run to her all at the same time. Tears once more sprang from her eyes and she tried to pull them back but they ran down her face anyway. She turned to start walking away, not wanting to bother the girl.
Tara's arm reached for Willow, trying to stop her from walking away. Why was she walking away? "Willow… wait." Willow stopped, turning back. She was unable to stop the flicker of hope that ran through her green eyes. "Why are you sorry for standing here?"
"I'm…" Willow faltered. "I'm sorry for making you see me like this."
"Like what?" Tara asked, her voice quiet, her hand not having left Willow's arm. The touch was burning them both.
"I… Tara, I'm so sorry." Willow's head dipped down, tears now dropping straight from her eyes to the concrete.
"I know." Their eyes met both exploring the other for a sign of a chance. Neither wanting to let go of this moment, both scared for the hope that might be lost.
"You don't." Willow's voice was firmer now; she was trying to keep her emotions in check as she set out to deliver the speech she'd longed to give for months now. "I'm so sorry I destroyed us. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't know what I was doing - and that's no excuse, I know. I'm going to miss you… but I want you to move on. I want you to find someone who can make you happy without hurting you. I don't know how long this is going to take… I don't know how much of me this is going to take, freeing myself from this. But I want you to find true happiness." They stared at each other for a long moment.
"Willow. The only true happiness I've known in my entire life is you. You're it. I don't want anyone else. I want you. And I think it's time for me to start helping you find yourself. I'm going to prove to you that one mistake isn't the end. Not for us. We're not done, Willow. We're on pause. And it's time we started helping each other, because from the looks of it, we need to. I need you right now."
Willow couldn't form a word, no sound would come forth except the sobs that racked her body. As she dissolved into a puddle of hysterics, she felt the arms, the only arms in the world that could help at this moment, wrap around her. Things just might be alright.
~ If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles, if I could just see you… if I could just hold you tonight… ~
~ Making my way downtown, Walking fast, Faces passed, And I'm home bound… ~
Her feet hit the sidewalk rhythmically, each step a beat against the cement. Her eyes were closed, but occasionally she glanced ahead of her, if not for any other reason than just to make sure she didn't hit anyone. She knew the way well enough that she could walk home without much effort. It was better, because if she had to concentrate - if she had to look around her, she would probably start crying again. That's all she could do lately. Part of it, she imagined, had to do with the dark magic that still flooded her system. It demanded to be used, and it took every bit of strength and will power she had in her body to hold back. Her restraint was admirable. But most of it, and she knew this, was her heart attempting to repair itself. It was a painful process. She knew her broken heart was her own fault, after all, Tara would have had no reason to leave other than the black magic. If she hadn't used the black magic on Tara, perhaps even then Tara might have stayed. But she committed two rather large errors in that regard. She didn't blame Tara, but she missed her.
~ Staring blankly ahead, Just making my way, Making my way, Through the crowd ~
So, if she had to look up and watch what was passing her by, she would lose all the resolve she had built up not to cry today. She knew instinctively where she was. She could see the shops as she passed them. The benches, the alleyways… places where they had hurriedly escaped simply so they wouldn't have to endure a moment longer without each other's lips. There was something about the physicality of their relationship - something beautiful, powerful. She knew the other Scoobies saw them as chaste, intensely private. She allowed herself a smile at that. Yes, perhaps they were private about it, but only because it was something they both regarded as special, as theirs alone. If they felt like it, she was sure they could have come up with quite a show for the others. But what was the point? She had no interest in showing the whole world what went on behind her closed doors. It was something that she cherished.
~ And I need you, and I miss you. And now I wonder.... ~
The tears came to her eyes unbidden anyway. She thought too deeply about their relationship. It always happened. She stopped, and leaned back against the wall of the coffee shop. Resting her back to it, she buried her face in her hands. Everything that was Tara came flooding to her. The cobalt blue of Tara's eyes staring so deeply into as if trying to prove she loved her in yet another way. The weight of Tara's arm over her side while they slept, the feel of Tara's body pressed into her back. Tara's legs slipped in between hers, their bodies merged together so that neither one could bother to tell who's limb was whose. Tara's voice as she calmly read to herself in whispers. She really did miss the girl with all she had. She felt the sting of her loss in waves that hit her body, tossing her back against the wall again and again. And things were harder without her. Things were… horrible. She couldn't help but reach out, wondering where the other girl was. She didn't feel her, but she knew she was out there. Her ability to track Tara had become scrambled a bit by all of the dark magic. She knew Tara felt it, and it was yet another way she felt defeated. She slid down and sat against the wall.
~ If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight. ~
All she wanted was to be swallowed up. She felt lonely and cold, she felt angry and helpless. There wasn't much she could do. Buffy and Dawn had been walking on egg shells around her, avoiding the topic of patrol and the like, because they knew if they needed magic to defeat a demon, it would just serve to remind Willow. They tried their best, but it just seemed to put a strain on the house. Willow had overheard Dawn on more than one occasion tell Buffy how badly she thought Willow needed Tara back. She agreed. But she didn't think she deserved the chance.
* * *
~ It's always times like these when I think of you, and I wonder if you ever think of me ~
Tara had been sitting in the coffee shop for a little over an hour now, drinking mochas and reading, attempting to simply lose herself. But she knew it was fairly pointless, why would you come to a place with so many memories to try and forget? It seemed pointless, but she knew deep down that it was because she didn't want to forget. She missed Willow. Her whole body missed Willow, aching for the redhead's touch, embrace. But internally she ached for the girl. She wanted her laugh, and her smile, and her thoughts, and her babble. The only thing about Willow she didn't want was the magic. Not now, at least. Given the opportunity, and the certainty that Willow was getting past the dark magic, she'd love to teach the girl the right way to do it again. She sighed, setting the book down and finishing off the last of the coffee. She put the book back in her bag and tossed it over her shoulder. Rubbing her temples lightly, she stood, hurrying out of the store lest the memories of the girl get the best of her.
* * *
~ 'Cause everything's so wrong, and I don't belong living in your precious memories ~
Maybe it would just be better if she applied to go away to school, maybe UCLA or something like that. She could still be around if they needed her, but far enough away that she wasn't in the way. She could go away so that Tara could find someone else and not think about her. She wanted that for Tara, she wanted her to be happy. She wanted Tara not to even think of her and the pain she caused. If Tara could just forget about her, and find someone else and be happy, Willow might even be able to make it. (She knew she was just lying to herself, but she did just want Tara's happiness.) She just couldn't take being here in Sunnydale a second longer without the blond somewhere nearby. She felt as if she were going stir crazy. Without Tara or magic, who was she? Willow Rosenberg, nerd extraordinare. So why not go to school somewhere impressive and make a career? It's what she would have been if not for Buffy, and maybe it's what she should have done all along. But what would she do at school? Sit around and cry? Most likely. Sure, she'd probably have a 4.0, but… she'd never be happy. She couldn't see herself never being happy again. She could try to meet someone, she imagined, but no woman could ever live up to Tara. No person in this entire world could ever make her feel as Tara had, and she was loath to even think about trying to find it again. What she and Tara had - it was once in a lifetime stuff, the thing dreams come from. She and Tara had a fairy tale relationship -- their love deserved a happy ever after. Their ties were too strong, their love too deep. And god how she missed it.
* * *
~ 'Cause I need you, and I miss you, and now I wonder... if I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by, 'cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could Just see you tonight… ~
Tara shuffled out of the coffee shop, trudging out onto the street, feeling no better than when she entered. She nearly missed the form sitting on the wall to her left. But a car passing reflected the sunlight off of a window and hit the red hair illuminating it for the briefest of seconds. The flash of red made Tara turn quicker than anything else in her short life. She knew that flash of red; she knew it better than she knew the back of her own hand. Sure enough, there she was. The girl she had come here trying to put to rest in her mind. And she was sitting outside the coffee shop - crying? Oh, Willow, what's wrong? Tara felt her heart rip out. She stood, frozen…
* * *
~ And I, I don't want to let you know I, I drown in your memory I, I don't want to let this go, I, I don't... ~
Willow sighed, resting her head against the wall behind her. Everything was Tara. Everything is Tara. Nothing will ever change that will make this better. She knew that everyone assumed she would get over it eventually, or that they'd get back together. Willow hoped they'd get back together, but knew if they didn't she'd never get over Tara. She might move on, someday. But she'd never be over the blond girl. The blond, shy girl who captured her heart with a smile and a stutter and kept it with her intelligence and strength. She just knew that in her heart, she'd never let Tara go. She didn't want to.
Looking down at Willow, Tara knew one thing. She'd never be able to forget the redhead. She could try for the rest of her life, but Willow would still firmly hold her heart. It was pointless to even attempt to "get over her". She didn't want to let the girl go. She moved towards Willow, slowly, carefully, not wanting to scare the girl, but wanting so desperately to comfort her.
* * *
~ And I still need you, and I still miss you, and now I wonder... if I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass us by, 'cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you… ~
Willow felt someone coming towards her, and instinctively jumped up. Through hooded and tear filled eyes she surveyed her attacker, her eyes settling first on blond hair. Blond hair? Long blond hair? Blue eyes, a peasant shirt, a skirt, and Tara's backpack. Tara? She wiped her tears from her face, trying to focus on her former girlfriend, the love of her life. "Tara?" Her voice came barely above a whisper, more of a moan let out from her throat.
Tara looked at her for a moment, taking in all that was Willow. Wasn't that her sweater? She allowed herself a smile. Willow was wearing her sweater. It didn't drop from her face, but it lessened slightly as she let out her name. "Willow."
Willow's heart dropped. Tara had been smiling, but now it was a ghost on her face. "I'm sorry… I was just leaving." She wanted to run away and run to her all at the same time. Tears once more sprang from her eyes and she tried to pull them back but they ran down her face anyway. She turned to start walking away, not wanting to bother the girl.
Tara's arm reached for Willow, trying to stop her from walking away. Why was she walking away? "Willow… wait." Willow stopped, turning back. She was unable to stop the flicker of hope that ran through her green eyes. "Why are you sorry for standing here?"
"I'm…" Willow faltered. "I'm sorry for making you see me like this."
"Like what?" Tara asked, her voice quiet, her hand not having left Willow's arm. The touch was burning them both.
"I… Tara, I'm so sorry." Willow's head dipped down, tears now dropping straight from her eyes to the concrete.
"I know." Their eyes met both exploring the other for a sign of a chance. Neither wanting to let go of this moment, both scared for the hope that might be lost.
"You don't." Willow's voice was firmer now; she was trying to keep her emotions in check as she set out to deliver the speech she'd longed to give for months now. "I'm so sorry I destroyed us. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't know what I was doing - and that's no excuse, I know. I'm going to miss you… but I want you to move on. I want you to find someone who can make you happy without hurting you. I don't know how long this is going to take… I don't know how much of me this is going to take, freeing myself from this. But I want you to find true happiness." They stared at each other for a long moment.
"Willow. The only true happiness I've known in my entire life is you. You're it. I don't want anyone else. I want you. And I think it's time for me to start helping you find yourself. I'm going to prove to you that one mistake isn't the end. Not for us. We're not done, Willow. We're on pause. And it's time we started helping each other, because from the looks of it, we need to. I need you right now."
Willow couldn't form a word, no sound would come forth except the sobs that racked her body. As she dissolved into a puddle of hysterics, she felt the arms, the only arms in the world that could help at this moment, wrap around her. Things just might be alright.
~ If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by? 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles, if I could just see you… if I could just hold you tonight… ~