I hope you don't mind, but I will post my comments here, rather than in an e-mail, as I feel that if I say anything that my fellow kitties disagrees with, obviously they can point it out to you, so you get an even perspective - if that makes sense! My reasons for this is that, although I am "qualified" in relating to the parent/offspring-trauma issue, being a happily married, if slightly bisexual male, I can only provide a perspective from one angle, if you will. But I'd like to try to help in my lowly way, if that's okay. I would hope that simply having a forum such as this, where people from all walks of life, backgrounds, etc, will listen and lend a kind word (or, in my case, words), will help you at least feel a little better. Talking/writing about your experiences as they unfold, I think really helps, and I hope you feel comfortable enough to keep coming back here. We kitties are very, very good at the written hug!
Okay, so my advice is going to be very generic. I think that there may be little you can do, unless your girlfriend meets you and says "help". I would imagine she is feeling utterly wretched right now, as I am sure you are. I would say that you both need to find someone with whom you can draw comforting cuddles and a few wise words from, irrespective to what happens between you both. You might decide that you want to send your girlfriend a message, telling her how you feel about her, and that you will "be there" for her, should she need it: I am sure she'd love to hear from you, and to know that you love her, but be a little careful about how you phrase it - I know it will be difficult to do so, but if there is someone you love and trust, it might be beneficial to let them review what you would say before you send it - I refer you to a passage below, about sending intense declarations of love of the dying swan variety.
(I'm going to tread carefully, here.)
When dealing with someone who is going through a difficult time, and they are very close to you emotionally; like a lover, close friend, family member, etc, sometimes it is difficult to know what to say, because there is an emotional investment going on, which makes you feel confused yourself. But what I would say, is, even if you can't think of what to say, because you are unsure of finding the right thing to say, it doesn't have to stop you just being there - sometimes proximity is enough, anyway.
However, if I was to say anything specific, then I would suggest caution towards allowing yourself to get drawn into a war with her parents. You have got to look after yourself, as well, and people can be very spiteful and unthinking when they feel threatened. And parents can feel threatened at the drop of a hat, where their kids are concerned. This never, it seems, changes, either. Just 'cause they've gone through the rearing a child thing doesn't make a person any wiser - they're still a person, just the same as you, and no more (wo)man-of-the-worldy, if that makes sense. My hope (and it would be no more than that, really) is that your girlfriend eventually makes her own decisions, independent of her parents, and that her choices are the right ones for her. But, and there is a but here, I feel - I think it is reasonable to suggest that if the right decision means listening (mostly) to her own inner voice, then the same will have to apply for you, too - what I mean is, you will have to be prepared to give her space, and not pressure her. This is for your own sanity, as much as hers. I'll explain:
I have a close friend, who is just about the sweetest, most sensitive person I know. He broke up with his girlfriend, as the result of a silly fight. Then, said girlfriend went to Australia for a year. She is still there at the moment. My friend is besotted with her, and hopes that they might be able to get back together when she returns. He is a very intense chap - articulate, expressive, artistic - and right now, is fuelling that obsession by thinking about this girl, day and night. You see, he is finding that even the negative emotion that comes from excessive pining is better than no emotion at all, but it has culminated in the inevitability of sending an overwrought valentines card to said girl, pouring out his heart to her. If she now freaks at the intensity (they have been in contact, but it's obvious that she is taking things deliberately casually), then the real casualty will be my friend, who will be utterly devastated. He knew what we would, as his friends, have said, if he had told us of his intensions, so he did it first, then told us, to which, what can we say?
So, long story long (again): Try your best to stay objective, loving, supportive, SUPPORTED, and (if you want to) hopeful. I hope that someone objective is there, to keep an eye on your girlfriend (if you are unable, for practicle reasons, to), and make sure she has access to the kind of environment where she can work out what's right for her. It sounds as though she has a lot to overcome, and it may take some time to resolve things. I have my fingers crossed for you. As ever, I am free to be e-mailed (my mailbox is open to everyone), although I'm sure that, in this case, there are far, far more experienced peeps on here, who can give you more specific advice. I tend to be very moderate and cautious in my views, and I concede that where my fellow kitties have said "er, Wolfie - you are insane - you can't keep your mouth shut over this such-and-such", that they are probably right. If they say to you "look, don't listen to Wolfie - he's a nice geezer, but a bit of a twit", then you should listen to them:
"Beware when the so-called sagely men come limping into sight."
I hope you haven't minded my twittering.
L
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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.