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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 3:24 pm 
Hi. First of all, I apologize for posting this OT here, but I just need to vent about something that happened today.
Another thing is that I'd like to suggest to all the people who want to read this thread that they don't read it if they're depressed or felling a bit down, for the subject of it is quite dark. Also, if you're sensitive to violence don't read any further than this.

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Today when I got to college, a bit after lunch, to have the only class of the day, I was immediatly told that a colleage that a person I knew (and who was also taking my college degree) had shot himself on the head, in the morning,m when he was in Student Association room, in college. He's still alive, though in a coma and attached to a machine and in critical state.

I wasn't his friend, but I talked to him sometimes and entered college in the same year as him. Even not being close to him, I felt sad... It's a very odd feeling to acknolege that someone you know does something like that. I don't know if it was an accident he had with his own gun and probably won't know for at least quite some time what exactly happened, for I won't ask the ones who were in the same room as him when it occurred. They were in shock.
To make things worst, the cleaning woman refused to clean the floor of the room (after the police had gathered all they wanted from the room), which is understandable, but the people who had to do it were his friends and people who knew him.

I've had a couple of depressions and at times felt like killing myself, and almost did so 2 times. I'mrecovering and am doing progress (I even let go of therapy last week). Today... death seemed very real and close. You know when you watch the news and see that a person killed him/herself and think something like "that's horrible" and then move on? Well... it's so very different when it's close. It's frigteningly real. It gave me goosebumps when I walked in front of the room in which it happened, though it was closed. I used to go there about every other day, but I don't know when I'll be able to enter it again for sometime, because I know the memories that will come to my mind...

All throughout today I felt an urge to crawl to a little dark corner and just cry my eyes out, where no one can see me. I couldn't even cry in front of my best friend today, even having she come to make me company after I'd sent her a message about what had happened.

I needed to say this somewhere... to write it somewhere where people would read it and maybe to say something that's part of what I always feel inside and never tell anyone.

Sometimes when we're down, and even when we're feeling normal we think about death as something normal, and sometimes as something welcome, but most of the time we don't seem to realize how definite, real and final it is. When its done, it's really done. When it's your call, you can't make time go back and 'erase' the decision you made. When it's someone you know or care for, they can't ever come back. You will not be able to see them, or talk to them again. Ever.

Sorry for posting something so big that's completely OT and that's not even about a friend, just someone I know, but I just needed to, for once, not hold it inside and just.... write.



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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 4:21 pm 
Mara-
let me first say, I am sorry for your loss those words seem so trivial but, I am sorry. Ragardless, of how long or how well you knew him, you still knew him and its okay that you feel the way you do. My cousins boyfriend died in a shooting and I still mourned for him. We had only talked now and then but, he was a nice guy. I didn't cry openly but I did.I never told anyone but, once I gave myself permission to feel his loss and work thru it-it eventually became okay and now I laugh with my cousin about his antics, we remember him with love now instead of sadness.
The most important thing is to allow yourself to grieve and feel. It'll all be okay ((((big hugs))))

------------------
Sugarloaf
Well, dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians!!



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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 9:26 pm 
{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}
I'm so sorry...let yourself cry if you need to.
{{{{more hugs}}}}


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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 9:46 pm 
{{{{{{Huggz, Mara}}}}}}


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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 9:49 pm 
Mara,

I am very sorry about this unfortunate incident. I can sympathize with you. I had a friend who was killed in a car crash about two years ago. We weren't incredibly close, but I spent quite a while mourning his death. For weeks, I would hold on to this Venezuelan coin he'd given me for good luck. And I would just hold it in my hand think of him, and cry. I just didn't think anyone could understand.

It's important to realize that grief has no rhyme or reason. There's no definitive time scale. Everyone is different, so how they deal with their grief will be different. It's okay to feel the way you do. But I would hope that you don't allow yourself to succumb to it. I'm sending you some "virtual" strength via this thread, and I want you to know that you have my complete support.

I understand about depression, having been there myself recently. I know how dangerous it can be to fall into a place where the world seems absolutely hopeless. Mara, it's not. Also, quite recently, my cousin was in a horrible accident. Now, I'm quite close to him and we didn't think he was going to make it. But by his own perseverance and by some miracle, he's still with us. In the past, I would have viewed this as a hopeless situation. But now, as I look back on it, all I have is a desire to live and thrive. I want that for you too.

Lastly, don't ever resist the urge to write. I do it and I see it as an outlet for my pain, confusion, happiness, and glee. And if you need to talk, please feel free to contact me via email.

--Sela



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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 10:07 pm 
I understand.

I too have lost someone very close, and oddly enough her real name was Mara.

It was back in June. I wrote a fan fic and posted it here that helped me deal with that loss. (It was my "queen of light" story.)

I can say this for sure. It does get better.

I was never the one to get depressed. All through high school and college the most depressing thing that ever really happened to me was running out of money for beer. Really. I had a very happy upbringing. But lately I have been very depressed, and there have been some outside influences on that.

But here is what I keep coming back to. This wont last. Nothing in life is static, things change. Yes, things could very will get worse, but I have to believe that they could also get better.

There is too much to life to miss. I am happy with what I have done with my life so far, but there are 1,000s of things I have yet to do. I, and we all, just gotta keep pushing through.

I look at my dad. He has survived two heart attakcs, a bout of cancer, two wives, a World War, another war he fought in himself, and being shot. And he still keeps going! He is like some freaking Energizer Bunny. He is my motivation, that and my son (who much to my pleasure tried Tofu tonight!).

Mara. Hang in there. This is bad, but it will pass. I have lost many people I love, but I am glad that I had that love when we were together.

Warlock.

------------------
Web Warlock
web.warlock@attbi.com webwarlock@planetadnd.com
Author, the Netbooks of Witches and Warlocks
The Other Side: http://www.xtreme-gaming.com/theotherside/
Shadow Earth Games: http://www.rpghost.com/WebWarlock/
The FanCC: http://www.enworld.org/fancc/
--
"And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.
A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend." - Willow.



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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2002 10:10 pm 
I know how you guys feel. When I was 13 my sister tried to kill herself and almost did. I was so young at the time I was really affected by it. So I started to do it and there was a hole bunch of crap after that. The reason my sister tried to kill herself was because she was raped, and at the time I didn't know what was happening. But my family got through it and now I find out she has cancer. It's okay cause it is treatable but I still don't know what's happening. Like I don't know if my sister is happy or if she wants to die again. I have no clue and she won't even talk to me anymore.


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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2002 12:08 am 
It's Ok to cry, it might make you feel better. Even though you didn't know him very well there is nothing wrong with being upset over this. It means that you are a caring person. I hope you start to feel better soon and if you don't that is ok to cause some things just take a little more time than others. Hang in there.


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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2002 9:19 am 
I can understand. Sometimes the worst part of that kinda situation is the fact that you don't fit into the category of best friend, or similar, so you're often not sure how to react. No matter what the connection, something like this will effect you, and the best way to deal with it is in your own way.

Hope it gets easier

hugs, kate xx



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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2002 2:28 pm 
three months ago a girl at my school went to sleep and never woke up. She appeared perfectly healthy and there was no warning. So many bad things happen in the world and depsite the fact that although we went to the same school all our lives we barely new each other yet i found myself still grieveing for her only a week ago. There is no limit to the length you grieve and no rules that say you have to know people especially well to grieve for them. The girl who died best friend said to me when i offered condolences, said that there was one more star in the sky and one more angel in heaven, and whatever i learned from her death that i must hold dear those around me and never let the sun go down on an argument. I hold this advice dear and offer it to you. All else i can say is that its alright to cry, and talking about it isnt a bad thing. Youll be suprised how many people will listen.
Eve xxx


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 Post subject: OT - death-related topic
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2002 2:34 pm 
I'm Soo sorry this happend.


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