Hi. First of all, I apologize for posting this OT here, but I just need to vent about something that happened today.
Another thing is that I'd like to suggest to all the people who want to read this thread that they don't read it if they're depressed or felling a bit down, for the subject of it is quite dark. Also, if you're sensitive to violence don't read any further than this..
.
.
.
Today when I got to college, a bit after lunch, to have the only class of the day, I was immediatly told that a colleage that a person I knew (and who was also taking my college degree) had shot himself on the head, in the morning,m when he was in Student Association room, in college. He's still alive, though in a coma and attached to a machine and in critical state.
I wasn't his friend, but I talked to him sometimes and entered college in the same year as him. Even not being close to him, I felt sad... It's a very odd feeling to acknolege that someone you know does something like that. I don't know if it was an accident he had with his own gun and probably won't know for at least quite some time what exactly happened, for I won't ask the ones who were in the same room as him when it occurred. They were in shock.
To make things worst, the cleaning woman refused to clean the floor of the room (after the police had gathered all they wanted from the room), which is understandable, but the people who had to do it were his friends and people who knew him.
I've had a couple of depressions and at times felt like killing myself, and almost did so 2 times. I'mrecovering and am doing progress (I even let go of therapy last week). Today... death seemed very real and close. You know when you watch the news and see that a person killed him/herself and think something like "that's horrible" and then move on? Well... it's so very different when it's close. It's frigteningly real. It gave me goosebumps when I walked in front of the room in which it happened, though it was closed. I used to go there about every other day, but I don't know when I'll be able to enter it again for sometime, because I know the memories that will come to my mind...
All throughout today I felt an urge to crawl to a little dark corner and just cry my eyes out, where no one can see me. I couldn't even cry in front of my best friend today, even having she come to make me company after I'd sent her a message about what had happened.
I needed to say this somewhere... to write it somewhere where people would read it and maybe to say something that's part of what I always feel inside and never tell anyone.
Sometimes when we're down, and even when we're feeling normal we think about death as something normal, and sometimes as something welcome, but most of the time we don't seem to realize how definite, real and final it is. When its done, it's really done. When it's your call, you can't make time go back and 'erase' the decision you made. When it's someone you know or care for, they can't ever come back. You will not be able to see them, or talk to them again. Ever.
Sorry for posting something so big that's completely OT and that's not even about a friend, just someone I know, but I just needed to, for once, not hold it inside and just.... write.