GEEZ, this post is huge, I apologize in advance.I am not sure how to begin. What should I even address you as? Friends? Kittens? Fans? Or maybe the word I am looking for is family. We all fell in love with Buffy the Vampire slayer and subsequently, we all fell in love with Willow and Tara. We bonded together to celebrate this ragged bunch of heroes with all their faults and all of their quirks. In a sense, then we became a part of their extended family. I will not call these characters real, as I know that they are fictional. In the most harsh wording, I can use - there is no Willow and Tara.
Just as there is no Buffy. No Spike. No Xander. No Anya. And on and on.
Yet, I love all of these fictional characters because they show me my wishes and my fears. Those are real. Don't we all want to be normal sometimes - like Buffy? Don't we all want to be Superwillow instead of regular Willow? It is the humanity of the show and the characters with-in the show that keep me tuned in week after week. Was I in love with th pain? Well, no, actually. The characters came alive for me, so I accepted that realistic characters meant dealing with some pain. But it also meant joy. It meant laughter. It meant love. I look at things now and I see the pain - but I must ask where is the joy? Where is the laughter? Where is the love?
I look at the world and fight not to see darkness. I don't want anyone to feel alienated, but as an American I face the reality that we have troops overseas that are risking their lives. Many other countries do as well. Our economy is bleak and many people I know have been laid off or may be laid off in the near future. The specter of September 11 still hangs over many realities of everday life. Yes, things are getting better. Yes, there are postive signs. But the fact is that right now especially, I am looking for every reason that I can to have hope. This is not a new practice for me. Trying to find reasons to hope and believe remain my aspiration.
As someone so wisely wrote when quoting the musical, with regards to Buffy, Joss made me believe.
I still want to. As a fan, as part of me is desperate too. I realize that I have cheered on more than the characters. I have cheered on Joss. I have defended him. I have defended the show. It's not that I hate this season. It's not that I think the writing is trite and clumsy. That is not the problem. The problem is not what I think at all. The problem is what I feel. I care. I care so much that I don't want quality sacrificed for dramatic impact. I don't want pain to be suffered needlessly. I want, in the end, what the writers have claimed they want - what is best for the characters.
These new spoilers have effected many people on many levels.
Some people have suggested that Joss is trying to teach us about pain. As noted, I am fully aware that the world can be a painful and horrifying place.
Or that Willow being a 'Big Bad' is what is best for the show. It keeps it fresh. It's new. It's bold.
It's Willow. It's the Willow that told Buffy in the pilot that she didn't have to come back and sit at her table because she knew she was one of the unpopular kids and wanted to give Buffy a way out. It's the Willow that stood up to Tara's family and insisted that Tara have a choice. It's the Willow that insisted everyone use "I" statements to explain to Buffy how they felt about Angel being back and Bufy lieing. It's Willow.
And using Tara as a plot device? I could list examples of who Tara is and why I love her but the important thing is that something in me screams - It's TARA.
So I look to Joss and I wonder what this man that I have cheered on might be up to. I still don't want to stop believing. I want to trust him. I want to cheer him on. If this is all a hoax, I will shake my head at myself. I will not be mad at him. Because I'm the one that keeps looking at spoilers. Writers have to work very hard to try and develop what they feel is surprising, engaging plotlines. I don't blame Joss for loathing spoilers. I imagine myself in a scenario where I tell one of my friends a secret that I really value and the next day everyone knows about it. This is what Joss deals with regarding Buffy. Yet, the very reason I read spoilers is because I keep getting burned by people in television that I once trusted. At least if I know about it ahead of time, I think to myself, if the worst happens maybe it won't crush me quite as badly. So again, reading spoilers and believing them is my fault. The writers have warned us repeatedly not to.
What happens on the show though is the fault of Joss and ME. Yes, Joss is busy on other projects. But the writers are working from his navigation. They are using his vision. If he lets his creation become Frankenstein, then the blame still rests with him.
I'm struggling to keep my thoughts in order because there are so many and they are all coming so fast.
There may be an automatic reset button and there may not be. I know the truth inside myself is that if they not only kill off Tara but do so as a plot device, my days with ME and Joss Whedon will be done. Yet this is not what I want to happen. I don't want to stop watching. If I am honest with myself, I think can handle the idea that the ME views my feelings and dedication as nothing more than toys. It doesn't make me happy, but that's reality. Writers manipulate. Television has money driven bottom line. But to treat characters I cherish like that, with a 'because I can' attitude, I find that notion unforgivable. And to forget that if it were not for those of us that are fanatic 'merchandise buying,' 'have to schedule our Tuesday nights around Buffy,' 'reading and writing fan fic' viewers, there would be not be a Buffy is just plain foolish. As I said, writers manipulate, but this should always be balanced with respect and gratitude for the characters as well as the fans.
I know the argument that "everyone in Buffy feels pain and suffering. People die. That's just Buffy." I submit to you that the only other Ship that has gone through as much turmoil as W/T is B/R. The actual events on the show were traumatic enough. Tara loses her mind, then regains it and then Willow and Tara break up. But WE W/T shippers had to be drug through the wringer by other Buffy fans as well. We hung on to the motto that Joss loves Willow and Tara. We argued, we battled, we stayed the course. Nowadays a lot of fans are coming around to the idea that Tara is a great character. But we were the first, and like the song says - we have been through hell.
Further, I argue that you folks that are like "But this is GREAT for plot" wouldn't feel that way if your favourite character was in danger. If it was Spike, would you all be cheering for the newest plot innovation?
My plan is to hang tight for the moment. I want ME to come through for us. I want to give them enough room to do so. If I stop watching, it won't be because I no longer love Buffy, it will be because that love has become so painful that I can't watch anymore. I want reasons, excuses, even freak plots that make no sense at all to show up and keep me around.
For now, I will keep watching. I can’t believe it. Not until I see it. Not until the season ends and everything is still so utterly destroyed. And I'll keep writing. I need the escapism that Fan Fic provides. In the highs and lows of the next five weeks, I think it is what will keep me sane. Because the highs and lows will be coming big time, and every time there will be a reason to believe and reasons not to believe. And every time, more than likely, the facts that we have will be minimal at best.
I want address some comments that a couple fan fic writers have made. I know this is hard and we are all trying to deal as best we can. And I agree, IF our worst fears come true, we do NOT have to take it. But for now, I want to do what I can to keep everyone believing, including myself. It will be painful enough without us deserting one another. If Tara is going to die and not return, this will happen whether I write or read W/T fan fic for the next few weeks or not. It will happen whether I ride a huge emotional roller coaster or not. So I intend to keep enjoying what I believe to be one of the most beautiful relationships I have ever seen portrayed on television. I don’t feel that right now fan fic promotes ME, I feel like it supports those on this board, the family that we have developed here.
Hang on, help one another when you can, and above all - don't lose hope.
MC