Back by popular request, here is the suggested episode about proper (and improper) apostrophe usage. Enjoy!
Scoobies Teach Grammar #5: An Appropriate Apostrophe
"Ew. I think these are
intestine's," Buffy complained. She did her best to wipe globs of wet demon parts from her arm. "That was too close."
"
Your not kidding." Xander lifted an overturned table and peered underneath. "Did you see where
it's head ended up?" he asked.
"Nope. What happened to
Gile's? Is he over
they're?"
"
Hes here!" called Willow. "Unconscious, as usual. Somebody give me a hand with these
bookshelf's."
"I'm not unconscious, thank you," said Giles's voice from beneath the heavy shelving. He struggled out when they lifted the shelf, then he regarded them as a group while he dusted off his suit. "Now what on earth has happened to you all? Your grammar is even more dreadful than usual."
"
Our's?" Xander looked at Giles incredulously. "
Your the odd man out when it comes to talking weirdly."
Willow shook her head. "No, Xander,
hes right. I mean, look! I put an apostrophe in
bookshelf's." She paled instantly. "Oh god! I did it again.
Whats wrong with me?"
Buffy tested a few phrases experimentally. "Figure
skate's.
Angels apartment. Juice. Apocal...uh...Apocalypses? Ugly
demon's.
Anyas fear of--"
"We get it," Giles interrupted. "Something is causing improper apostrophe usage. A curse is the most likely culprit."
"Why...were...you...unaffected?" Willow asked, choosing each word carefully to avoid triggering the effect.
"I'm British."
The others nodded as a group.
"
Sound's to me like
its research time," sighed Xander.
~*~
"I found something!" Willow exclaimed, holding up a thick, careworn book. She had become an expert at avoiding apostrophes in the last six hours.
They gathered around her. Willow scanned the passage, then handed the book to Giles. "Maybe you should read it," she suggested.
Giles cleared his throat and read aloud. "The Grishtal demon has been known to unleash bursts of psychic energy when startled. Those in close proximity may be affected. The effects are random and seldom life-threatening, but--oh, that's interesting..." He studied the page in silence.
"
Whats interesting?
Gile's." Buffy waved her hand. "
Gile's! Whats the interesting?"
He looked up. "There's a documented case. Apparently one Slayer temporarily lost her ability to remember color names."
"Temporarily?" Willow echoed. "Temporary is good."
"Yes." Giles went back to reading. "The problem persisted for several days. It seems she was able to relearn them. The colors."
"How?" Buffy asked.
Giles closed the book and set it on the table. "By studying."
~*~
The three students sat side by side at the front of the classroom while Giles cordoned off a section of the board containing BASIC code and erased the rest. "Okay, one last time," he said. "Buffy, plural nouns."
"You
dont use an apostrophe to make a noun plural," she said for the twentieth time that night.
"Give me an example. Chalkboard."
"
Chalkboard's," she said.
"Buffy..."
"Chalkboards. Chalkboards. No apostrophe!"
"Good." Giles nodded. "Except for...what unique case?" He looked at Willow, who was practically hopping in her seat, her arm stretched high over her head. "Yes, Willow?"
"Single lowercase
letter's. Letters! Single lowercase letters." Her slip-up robbed much of her exuberance, and she sat back quietly in her seat.
"Precisely. There are two l's in Willow. Mind your p's and q's. This is the only time you should use an apostrophe to make something plural. Single lowercase letters. Next: Xander, contractions."
Xander gulped. "Uh...like...childbirth?"
"Xander," Willow said. "We went over this a dozen...times." She said the last word carefully. "A contraction is a word or phrase in which one or more...letters...have been left out."
"Right. Sorry. Like
dont. And..." He tried to remember the rule Giles had taught them. "And the apostrophe goes in place of the missing letter?"
"Yes. Such as?" Giles prompted.
"
Dont is a contraction of
do not, so the apostrophe replaces the missing
o in
not. Don't."
"What about
it is?" Giles asked the class of three.
"The same rule applies," Willow answered. "The contraction replaces the
i in
is with an apostrophe. It's. It is. It's. It's a nice day because it's sunny. Except it's not. It's night, and it's dark. It is. It's. Why is that so hard to remember?"
Buffy held up her hand. "But I thought
I-T-apostrophe-S was how you said something belonged to...it.
It's luggage.
It's favorite color." She growled. "Why the heck did those get colored red?"
The others looked at her oddly.
"What?" she said defensively. "We've been breaking the fourth wall since the beginning of this thread. See what I did there? We have. We've. Contraction. Back to the lesson, please. My question stands."
Giles nodded. "That's a tricky one, and many Americans make the same mistake."
"Hey!" Willow, Xander, and Buffy cried in unison.
Giles hurried on. "So let's go over possessive nouns again. Buffy. The collar of the dog."
Buffy glared at the Brit a moment longer, then recited, "The collar of the dog.
Dog is a normal, boring noun. You use an apostrophe to show possession. The dog's collar."
"Exactly. Xander. The glasses of Giles."
Xander sat up straighter. "Me. Okay. Uh, the glasses of
Gile's--"
Giles held up his hand. "Stop. Stop. Why are you putting an apostrophe in the middle of Giles?"
Xander shrugged. "Seemed like the thing to do."
"Giles is my last name. Rupert Giles. It simply ends with an s. We don't put an apostrophe in the middle of Harris. We don't put an apostrophe in the middle of Summers. Why would we put an apostrophe in the middle of Giles?"
Xander blinked. "Giles is your
last name?"
Giles let his head fall against the chalkboard. "Oh, dear lord. Willow?"
"Giles is a proper noun. The name of an individual person, place, or thing. The same rule applies for possession as does for the normal, boring nouns."
"Thank you, Willow. So, the glasses of Giles?"
"The glasses of Giles. Giles's glasses. But you could leave the final
s off. Giles' glasses. That would still be correct."
"That's true. Why?"
"Because Giles ends with an
s. Giles's glasses. Giles' glasses. Either one."
"Very good. Xander, how about the laughter of the children? Many children."
"Child is a boring, normal noun. Children is plural. For plural
noun's--darnit. Nouns. For possessive plural nouns, you put
apostrophe-s at the end. Children's. The children's laughter."
They all stared at him.
"What? You guys are the only ones allowed to know anything?"
Giles raised his eyebrows. "No, no. That's very impressive. You're right. But what about plural nouns that end with
s? The names of my friends? Buffy?"
"Crud, really? Me?" She sighed. "Okay. Friend is a normal, boring noun. Friends is the plural. So...possessive...plural noun...you put an apostrophe-s at the end. Just like Xander said.
Friends's. No, crap, that's wrong.
Friend's?
Friendses? Friends'? There we go. My friends' names."
"Yes," Giles said. "Now for the hard part."
"That
wasnt...That
wasn't the hard part?"
"Willow." Willow's eyes widened when Giles said her name. "What about possessive pronouns?"
"Um," squeaked Willow. "Okay. A
pronoun is a word that is used in place of a noun. Like when the noun has already been identified. Like...uh..." She looked around the room for a good example. "Buffy fights demons because she is the Slayer.
She is a pronoun. It means Buffy."
"That's true. A pronoun is a substitute for a noun that has already been specified, or that can be determined from the context. So how would you make a pronoun possessive? Buffy has a sweater. It is..." Giles prompted.
"My sweater," said Buffy.
"Her sweater," said Xander, at the same time.
Giles tried again. "The sweater is..."
"Mine," Buffy insisted.
"
Her's," said Xander, again simultaneously.
Buffy smirked. "Nope.
Your red." Her brow furrowed. "You are red. Contraction. You're red." She brightened. "Easy!"
"Oh! Oh!" Willow thrust her hand in the air. "I remember! Possessive pronouns don't get apostrophes!"
"Never?" Giles asked.
"Never," Willow replied.
"Never
ever?" He raised one eyebrow.
Willow shook her head adamantly and lifted her chin. "Nope. Not ever, ever,
ever. You can't trick me."
A smile appeared on Giles' face. "Very good, Willow. Let's look at some examples." He wrote on the board as he lectured.
Code:
To whom does the book belong?
Whose book is it?
The book belongs to ___. It is ___ book. The book is ___.
ME MY MINE
YOU YOUR YOURS
US OUR OURS
HIM HIS HIS
HER HER HERS
IT ITS ITS
THEM THEIR THEIRS
Never, ever, ever, EVER put an apostrophe in a possessive pronoun.
"But that's wrong!" Buffy protested. "The book belongs to the library. The library's book.
It's book. No, that shouldn't be red. It's right! Library is a noun. A boring, normal noun. So it gets an
apostrophe-s. Library's.
It is a normal, boring noun. It gets the same thing.
It's."
Xander spoke up. "But I thought
it's was a contraction for
it is."
Willow nodded. "It is. Heh. It's." She took a moment to enjoy her own joke. "Buffy,
it isn't a boring, normal noun. It's a pronoun. When you say
it, you mean the library. The word
it takes its place. That makes
it a pronoun. And you never, ever, ever, ever, ever put an apostrophe in a possessive pronoun. The library's book. Its book. See?"
Buffy grumbled. "No fair. Fine. You guys are braniacs. Its book. So are we done here, or what?"
Giles looked at Xander. "Xander, how would you say the victory belongs to us?"
"Victory is ours."
Giles nodded. "We're done."
Suddenly the door opened, and Jenny Calendar entered. "
H3Y D00DZ. W47 R J00Z D01N H3R3? D1D J00 H34R KR4ZY N01535 @ GYM B4?"
There was a collective groan from the classroom, and Giles sullenly sat back down at the teacher's desk.
Hee! That was fun. So there you go. A lesson on apostrophe usage. I hope it helps. Sorry it got wordy; there were many cases to consider. I'm certain I made unintentional mistakes, so please point them out if you see them.