Since my head is always full of alternate storylines, things that happened "off camera" and "what ifs" I decided to pick up the courage to work my own fic...

I started it out of the blue, it turned out to be 6 pages and counting
(becouse I haven't finished it yet)
so it's pretty much for people who'll read anything, cereal boxes, soap ingredients, computer manuals and my fic

Its a beta (duh, hence the beta-pens section of the board) I haven't (re)read it over yet. I'm planning on puting in more slang and more character-specific things, I post this one to try out the idea, see if anyone likes it

feedback is welcome, but be nice please

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All Buffy characters and the script of “Tough Love” belong to ME the rest is mine.
Love is not for sale so I will not be making any money on this one.
If anyone gets angry with me for economic reasons: bloody capitalists!

(I include the dialogue where my fic spins off into its own, non-slayer but romantically lesbian world so theres some spoiling going on)

This fic bends off the canonical storyline at the W/T argument in Tough Love but in my story, Tara does not let Willow go just that easily…

Willow and Tara's dorm room. Tara is looking in the closet for clothing while Willow sits on the bed putting on her shoes.
WILLOW: It wasn't anything really. Buffy was just a little crabby at Dawn about her schoolwork.
TARA: Well, it's understandable. (Puts something on the bed, turns back to close the closet door)
WILLOW: Yeah, sure it is. I'd totally be blowing off classes if I were in Dawnie's shoes.
TARA: (smiles) Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off a class if your head was on fire. (Goes over to the sink) And, I meant Buffy.
WILLOW: (putting on earrings) Buffy what?
TARA: Understandable about the crabby. She has to look after Dawn now.
WILLOW: (putting on a jacket) Yeah, but not in a Miss Minchin's Select Seminary for Girls way. I mean, she's just gonna make Dawnie more rebellious.
TARA: I had to deal with my brother's problems after ... I mean, you can't really know what it's like to-
WILLOW: Yeah, I know that.
Tara makes a noise of displeasure, frowns, and sits on the bed next to Willow.
TARA: I, I didn't mean to-
WILLOW: No, I just ... I ... I know I can't know what you went through. (Tara frowns) But I just ... (fake laugh) It's no big.
TARA: I made you mad.
WILLOW: No. No.
TARA: All I meant was-
WILLOW: No, it's okay. This whole Buffy thing, let's just forget it.
TARA: No, please. I mean, I mean, tell me if I said something wrong, otherwise I know I'll say it again. Probably often and in public.
WILLOW: No, I was snippy gal. It's just ... I know I can't ... on some level ... (sighs) it's like my opinion isn't worth anything because I haven't been through ... (sighs) I didn't lose my mom, so I don't know.
TARA: Well ... I-I'm not the expert. I mean, I've only lost the one.
Willow gives a sympathetic smile. Tara looks anxious.
TARA: (uncertainly) Do ... I act like ... the big knowledge woman?
Wide shot of the two of them sitting on the bed, facing each other, with at least a foot separating them.
WILLOW: (weakly) No.
TARA: Is that no spelled Y-E-S?
WILLOW: S-O-R-T of. (Tara frowns) I mean, I just feel like the-the junior partner. You've been doing everything longer than me. You've been out longer ... you've been practicing witchcraft way longer.
TARA: Oh, but you're way beyond me there! In just a few- I mean ... it frightens me how powerful you're getting.
WILLOW: (frowns) that’s a weird word.
TARA: (nervous smile) "Getting"?
WILLOW: It frightens you? *I* frighten you?
TARA: (jumps up from the bed) That is *so* not what I meant. I meant i-impresses - impressive.
WILLOW: Well, I took Psych 101. I mean, I took it from an evil government scientist who was skewered by her Frankenstein-like creation before the final, but I know what a Freudian slip is.
Tara looks upset.
WILLOW: D-don't you trust me?
TARA: With my life.
WILLOW: That's not what I mean.
TARA: Can't we just go to the fair?
WILLOW: I don't feel real multicultural right now. (Stands up) Wh ... what is it about me that you don't trust?
TARA: It's not that. I worry, sometimes. You're, you're changing so much, so fast. I don't know where you're heading.
WILLOW: Where I'm heading?
TARA: I'm saying everything wrong.
WILLOW: No, I think you're being pretty clear. This isn't about the witchcraft. It's about the other changes in my life.
TARA: I trust you. I just ... (looks down) I don't know where I'm gonna fit in ... in your life when...
WILLOW: When ... I change back? Yeah, this is a college thing, just a, a little experimentation before I get over the thrill and head back to boys' town.
Pause.
WILLOW: You think that?
TARA: Should I?
WILLOW: I'm really sorry that I didn't establish my lesbo street cred before I got into this relationship. You're the only woman I've ever fallen in love with, so ... how on earth could you ever take me seriously?
She walks toward the door.
TARA: Willow, please!
WILLOW: Have fun at the fair.
Willow storms out. Tara runs after her…


When they return to the room Tara sits Willow down on the bed and cuddles up behind her until she has calmed down a little. You know I love you, I am yours, always. It is just that… I can simply not believe anyone really loves me. I feel your love, b-b-but I can’t believe it, I am so afraid… I wouldn’t know w-w-what to d-d-do without… Oh, sweetie, don’t cry! You know I hate seeing you like this. Willow turns around and takes Tara in her arms; they linger in a lovers embrace for what seems to be like forever. My love, what is causing you this pain? I wouldn’t ever want anyone but you, I love you more than I love myself, I would give the world for you and yet… I am afraid one day, when we are married and old, you will not be there for me. I am so scared… we will… exist together, same house; same bed… but not live together.

Silence fills the room; the words just spoken begin to sink in. Secret insecurities they had planned never to speak of blurted out in a moment. They both knew that, now they both knew… they would have to deal with it. Willow was the first one to break the silence: Do you suppose… we should work on this? Like do a spell to make it go away and stuff?
You know magic is not the solution to everything, Tara whispered, not only can’t you use it for selfish reasons, but also… some things you have to work out yourself. A spell on something like this… It would backfire for sure, maybe even reverse and make all our issues come back to us in threefold. We can’t sort this out with magic. Did you have any plans tonight? I’ve got the night off. So do I, Xander and I would go see the new Charlie Brown movie, but when I called him the message on his machine was indicating… well… That he probably be busy helping Anya out with her favourite pastime… oekieh :s and I suppose it isn’t anything money-related.

Well Wil-love let’s order in some food, there’s a lovely new falafel-to-go in town, we’ll light some candles, put on some music and then get snugly while we talk this over. Just go easy, when we get into this we must be careful and take our time, and we’ll need each other all the way. Would you dare… d-d-do you trust me?
With my life, you know that. We both have something to deal with, but if we’re together nothing can break us. Do you remember the drinks machine? And I know for sure we have grown more powerful since last year! There is nothing we can’t face if we’re together, I love you because you are my girl and we’ve got so much strength together and…
Willow, stop the babble fest already, said Tara as she gave Willow a big bear hug, I trust you too, I know it’s my insecurity that scares me, not the fact that you’re not in love with me, for I know that is not a fact at all. I’ll call the falafel-place right away and as soon as diner arrives we can go slip into our pyjamas and eat talk and snuggle
Yeah, the great delights of life it is!

Aw, that falafel was just too nice; now I really need a tummy rub!
You vixen! We've got other things to do right now. Do you still want to go through with it?
If you're with me, I could go through with anything Tara, you know that, but you still haven't told me what you're up to.
Promise you won't get angry with me? Because I don't mean to act like big knowledge woman, I just want to share... I-i-its not like I feel better than... I mean... I just want to...
Come on my love, just tell me, you know I was being *** girl when we got into that argument, I love you, knowledge and all!
All right then, but you must tell me if anything I say offends you because I don't mean to...
I promises’ sweetie, now tell me you are making me all curious and stuff...
Well... We both know our insecurities and we know they come from the past, not the present. It's good to learn from the past, you know, not making the same mistakes every time. However, to suffer from it and let your relations and life be badly affected by it isn't a good thing. I know part of what makes me scared that you wouldn't love me... I bet you can tell me a little about the cause of your fears too. Then we have to complete the story, find the source of the problem and work it out. If we do it together, I know we can make it, with you I can make anything. It will be like the magicks we do... Just without the actual magick happening. We have to be balanced, know what we want, find what's keeping us from it and bind that cause.
Willow, who had been hanging from Tara's lips during her whole monologue, finally blurted out:
We can totally do that! We've done it thousands of times!
Tara replied in a calm, low voice
Now Willow there's one thing you must be totally clear on, This will not poof away like the magicks we do to solve stuff. It's more of a slow process. It has to be, the past has had a long time to settle thing in our minds and hearts. To rip that out would be playing with your minds condition, and we both love our, and each others, brains way too much to risk them, don't we?
Now you're being miss knowledge woman again!
Willow pouted, knowing Tara was right, but not at all ready to admit that yet.
I'm sorry. Tara ducked her head, looking really guilty.
Oww don't be silly love! I didn't mean to hurt you, come... Willow took Tara in her arms, holding her as if it were the most precious thing on earth. And to her it really was.

D-d-do you wanna start out?
It was your plan so maybe you should.
Yeah but, you know, I…

Silence filled the room, the two young women looking at each other, their eyes saying more than words could ever express. After a while, a big teardrop started to roll down Willows cheek. When she felt it building up in the corner of her eye she had slowly tried to turn her head. But Tara knew her beloved girlfriend better than anyone in the world, so it was a wasted effort. Tara drew Willow closer and kissed the teardrop away. It was as if Willows whole body was longing for more kisses because at that moment, more tears began to fall and Tara tried to kiss them all away but she knew it was no use.

You can tell me, you can tell me anything and you can cry all you want.
I don’t want to be the big whiny girl… my history is probably not even half as bad as yours, yet I’m the big baby, crying rivers and all.
Sweetheart, it doesn’t matter who had the worst story. If it hurts it hurts and you have to let it out sometime. It will all build up as bad energy when you hide it inside. You ought to know that, you’re a way better witch than me!
Willow looked Tara into the eye and saw she was hurting too. She knew however that Tara would never talk about her pain if she wouldn’t share hers first so she began telling her story.

I was born the daughter of two rich, Jewish parents. But off course you knew that already. When they got married, they “needed” a son to complete the perfect picture. Nice house, a baby, two cars, man with a job, women doing loads of ladylike charity and community things, you know, the works. When they got a daughter that must have been a disappointment, my father once told me he knew girls were no good, when we had an argument over a B-minus I had gotten.
They did spoil me and all, I never had to do without toys or food and they would even get me a pony, but I didn’t like them. And they never beat me or anything. But they where never there for me either. No-one ever asked me “how was school today” they just told me off when I didn’t get straight A’s. I sometimes feel that I love Giles more than I do both of my parents all together.
As a child I´ve never had anyone to run to. No one cared what I did as long as my grades were perfect and my clothes clean. Keeping up appearances is all my parents ever cared about… o right, except that one time my mother tried to burn me alive for being a witch, but I’d bet my scientific calculator that it was only because of the MOO-peer pressure.
And now I’m babbling all over you and it’s not bad at all and they never abused me and I always had enough to eat and a roof above my head and an education and…

Willow was talking faster and faster and it looked as though she would choke on her own tongue if she didn’t stop anytime soon. Tears where flowing in a steady but growing stream down her face, she didn’t even bother to wipe them away anymore.

Then Tara, who had been listening patiently to what indeed had turned into a babble-fest, took her girlfriends head and placed it in her lap. She gently stroked the hair while Willow started to calm down a little.

It’s just that I’m used to having people around who are not caring, just feeding at designated hours. I can’t really believe someone would care for me. I mean watch a movie or go out staking oekieh shadowless things and then talking all night while you ought to sleep… that kind of stuff happens. But really caring and staying with me? I’m not used to that; I’ve never known it… not before you appeared in my life.

Tara did not really know what words to speak at that moment, but when Willow looked up both could tell with one look that it would be all right. It would work out because they belonged together. That’s what the eyes said and as all witches know… Eyes are, like auras, truly a window to the soul.

With this weight off her shoulders, Willow felt a whole lot better. Now Tara knew that it was just the fear of intimacy, or rather of gaining it only to lose it soon again, was what sometimes caused her to keep a distance. She didn’t have to make up excuses for this one anymore… “Aw, babble fest even in my head” she thought, turning to her girlfriend.

You always get these things out of me if you put your mind to it, how do you do that?
Well honey, it isn’t that hard to get a natural babble-o-matic to talk now is it? Just a matter of pushing the right buttons. Tara said, naughtily poking her finger into her girlfriends’ soft skin.
Stop that! Willow giggled. Don’t you think you’ll get out this easily, it’s your turn. And I want the WHOLE story this time, no holding back, I can’t help you with what I don’t know.

But it’s a big… Tara tried to defend herself, realizing that she wouldn’t get out of this one anyway. It’s just that… a whole lot happened, very little of it pleasant. I don’t want to be whiny woman all night, you sure you want the whole…
Every last dirty detail my love!
All right then, Tara sighed. But only if you promise to cut me off if I complain too much.

She started of slowly and a bit hesitant.
You’ve met my father, right?
She stopped and looked at the redhead for a little help, but she just gave a little encouraging nod. Knowing that she wasn’t the one to tell Taras’ story, she would have to do it herself if she wanted it done right.
Oh I really don’t know how… where to start… what to tell… it’s… big.
The blonde said with an awkward look on her face, tears started to well in her eyes. It was a strange and burning sensation. She was used to pain and had learned not to cry, as it would probably make things worse. Trying to fight back the tears, withdrawing in her safe, inner world, she suddenly felt two hands cupping her face, lifting her chin. One of the hands moved up to stroke her hair and when she allowed her eyes to move up she saw sweet, caring Willowface. This sight snapped her out of all her safeguards and set of the whole river of tears she had been holding back for so long.

All this time she had thought herself to be a strong, wise woman inside. Even though the outside wasn’t appreciated by many people. Now she understood that she had been able to bear all the pains of life only by shutting it off. That wasn’t the way to live, she just told her girl it would build up negative energy and mess you up… While she had been thinking the situation over, Willow had taken her body and held it with what felt like an embrace with thousand arms. So warm and comfy. Even though she just snapped out of the place she had been hiding for so many years, she felt safe just lingering in her lovers arms. And though she hoped for this moment never to end, she broke the silence.

Sorry, I always thought myself to be so strong… but I guess I´ve just been hiding.
You don´t have to, you can tell me. I can´t prommis to make it better, but I do think it will be a weight of your shoulders. I know it was for me, so please go on, I want to see you happy, but if that takes seeing you sad first. I´ll do anything for you! Would you tell me? Can you trust me, I mean, not as a girlfriend, I know you trust me that way, but as a person? Do you feel comfortable enough?
Aww, babble fest, stop it, Tara is the one who should be talking now.
I feel completely comfortable, Tara smiled trough her tears, still laying in Willow’s arms.
Give me some time and I’ll tell you, she said taking a deep breath while Willow stroked her hair.
I had a loving mother, we did not have much money or a big house, yet she always made me feel special. It hurt me so much every time my dad used to beat her up, so I tried to stop him. I must have been maybe just 4 years old, but he treated me just the same. He was careful not to bruise my face, but I don’t think he had any reason for that other than staying out of trouble. I think that was the only time I’ve ever seen my mother beeing angry with me.
She told me I should not have stood up for her because now he would go for me too. She did everything to keep her little girl safe. My brother was most like his dad, he enjoyed the power he had over me and used to swear at my mother a lot. Therefor I was her little princess and even though my father would beat the living daylight out of me anyway, I always felt like I was safe with her. He would tell me I was a dumb, worthless slut, but my mother always took care to tell me I was precious and smart… I believed her and she made me feel human again, though my father made it perfectly clear I was partly demon.
When my mother died I took over everything she did around the house. At first I cried all day, even though my father never allowed me to cry so I had learned to hold it back at a really young age. But he beat that out of me, since I wasn’t allowed out of the house anymore, he didn’t have to hold back anymore. He even broke two of my ribs but never allowed me to see a doctor.

It did heal by itself anyway. She said, regaining a bit of the strength she had build up over the years. Telling this story had put her straight back into survival-modus, carefully dulling or shutting off the involved feelings. She paused for a moment, looking up, she saw the concerned face of her beloved redhead. She feared that the story so far had been to heavy for her but, as if she could read her mind, Willow said;
I’m glad you told me, do you want to tell me the rest of the story, or do you want to take a break?
I would like a break, I don’t like this story very much, Tara said in an attempt to lighten up the conversation.


(and this is where I take a break from writing it too)