Issue: Draft 0.1
Author: Raspberryhat
Disclaimer: BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon.
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Yes please, but be gentle…
Distribution: Please ask me first.
Background: Completely AU

Explanation: Call it a vignette for a story. It just came out after a flash of imagery. Completely the opposite to how I normally work. No plan at all. I just got a kind of image and an idea for two lives converging.

What does it make you think of? I guess I am just interested in any reactions this might conjure.

***
A beautiful summer's day. Cerulean sky with just a few wisps of cloud. In the distance, wheat fields, in the near ground, wild flowers peak through long grass, disturbed only by an occasional whispering breeze. Overhead a flock of wings paint broad brush stokes across the sky. They swoop lower and land, colouring a stretch of the field in burnt sienna.

At the edge of the field a figure sits, very still, watching. Slowly, she lifts a hand and carefully tucks a lock of pale blonde hair behind her ear, before returning her hands together, clasped before her full lips, concentrating. After many minutes she picks up her pencil and applies it to the page taped to the small easel setup before her. Her eyes dart to the page and then upwards as lines and marks flow. She watches the birds feed and gives a half smile to herself.

Every day she passed by and every day, she saw the figure sitting back in the long grass, with her easel. Sometimes her hair would not be tied back and would flow out in the morning breeze, causing her to shake back her head and run a hand through errant tresses. Willow somehow saw the girl smiling to herself as she did so.

Every day she passed by and wondered what the girl's art might look like. Sometimes Willow could tell she was drawing from the flowing movements of her right hand. Willow knew she painted the birds because sometimes the flock would scare and as they swooped into the sky, the blonde would gaze upwards, shading her eyes, watching her subjects move before, perhaps, settling back to earth. Somehow Willow sensed the joy of the stranger.

Every day Willow passed by and wondered who she was. Did she live in the rose covered cottage, away on the distant edge of the field?

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There's nothing very merry 'bout going round and round.

It would be a lovely start to something a little longer. That having been said, it's an interesting snapshot in and of itself. I think there could be a little more show and a little less tell in the beginning describing Tara. Perhaps change it to Willow's POV and let her emotions ride through the description? It's a very nice visual!

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Learning to be unrepentantly me.

It's a difficult one. Instead of writing down a plan I tried to write this opening scene to see what it suggested. I have lots of thoughts and feelings for atmosphere and little real plot. It was interesting to me to outline an an idea in this way. I still find that the imagery puts a lot of stuff clearly in my mind sometimes more powerfully than an outline might.

I'll be outlining this one out with more detail to follow.

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There's nothing very merry 'bout going round and round.

Well, I haven't poked my nose in a developing thread yet - I've just been checking out the more general writing threads, but I was curious about how these things worked, so here I am.

I realize the original post is almost a year old, and that you've moved on to other things and shelved this - and that you didn't have a plot in mind when you wrote this, so it might not go anywhere. That said, I definitely think this is worth commenting on.

So, to start - I really, really liked this. Overall, it gave me a feeling of ... not exactly loneliness, but solitude with a hint of longing. Maybe I'm overthinking (gosh, when does >that< ever happen?), but I think of loneliness as going hand-in-hand with depression or sadness, but this bit didn't give off any sad vibes ... it was more like a sense of waiting. Like, the longing for an end to solitude is combined with a quiet faith that it >will< end, and this faith keeps any bad feelings away and allows for an enjoyment of the quiet times.

There was also a sense of anticipation - not necessarily on Tara's part, but on Willow's. She walks by every day, and she looks at Tara and she wonders these things ... and the obvious solution is to go talk to her, but Willow doesn't. On one level, Willow does tend to be a little shy with new people, but on another, she's a puzzle-solver, so just walking up and talking to Tara is like checking the answers in the back of the book before going through the process of solving the problem.

I agree with Trom in that it's a great snapshot, and a great start to something longer. But, being a year old, that might not necessarily be something you're interested in doing - but I hope you are, because, again, I really liked this.

I agree and disagree with Trom regarding switching this all to Willow's point of view, and showing rather than telling. This is something of a ... well, not a pet peeve, but something that I've thought about a lot. I feel there are two distinct broad styles of writing third person, showing and telling, and that neither is actually better than the other. Most English classes or creative writing types will stress showing instead of telling, because showing is thought of as being superior, but I disagree.

Showing is more "in the moment" and, as such, tends to be more engaging to the reader. Telling is, however, just as valid. It creates a sense of a "narrator", as if what is being read is a transcript of what someone is saying out loud as they are telling a story. Fairy tales that start with "Once Upon A Time ..." tend to be telling. 'The Chronicles of Narnia' by C.S. Lewis is telling. As such - for me, at least ... and this might be just me - a 'telling' kind of writing styles gives me a sense of magic and wonder, like I'm hearing someone tell me a story, and that absolutely anything can happen in it.

Showing is more 'real', but if you're writing something "fantastic" - in the 'fantasy' sense - why not use the more old-fashioned 'telling' style of writing?

But, more specifically as applies to this bit, I'm torn. I think it really depends on where you would want to go with this. I feel the 'telling' style that you have here kind of says "Here we go - this is a wondrous tale of love!" The 'telling' style seems to slip a bit, though, when Willow gets a name. Weird, huh?

Let me back up ... the opening of the story, with the broad description of a place, is like the cinematic equivalent of a wide-wide shot that pans in until we see Tara. There's a sense there that the world is very, very big, and that Tara is very, very small, but there is a significance in the small things (because, really ... why would the camera pan in on something insignificant?). There's a sense that, in a big wide world, we're about to see something that may not be important in the grand scheme of humanity, but is going to change this one life (two, when Willow gets introduced).

That said, I think Trom is correct. Or incorrect. Depending on what you want to do. Dipping into Willow's head just a little kind of breaks the feeling that the reader is watching a story unfold - because we don't get into Tara's head at all, it kind of brings up the question of why our esteemed narrator knows what's going on in Willow's head, but doesn't know what's going on in Tara's ... if that makes any sense. Like this narrator should know everything, or should only know what he/she/it can "see".

Basically, I'd think that this either needs to be switched to Willow's POV like Trom suggests, or it needs to back off from Willow's thoughts and just be a snapshot of Tara sketching and Willow walking by, looking.

While I am a strong proponent of the 'telling' style, I have to admit, it only works for certain kinds of stories, and works best for prologue/epilogue bookends to a 'showing' story.

I think part of what I like about this, as-is, is that it leaves the reader with many questions - not the least of which is "what's the setting?" With the physical description of the surroundings, this could be modern day, any historical period in which easels existed, or a fantasy-genre story (and, really, the 'telling' style gives me a sense of the latter).

One last comment ... just something random that popped into my head: maybe Tara isn't sketching the birds. Maybe she stops and looks at them when they fly because she envies their freedom.

So - thank you for writing this. IThe "what does this make you think of?" request was awesome, and I really enjoyed commenting on it.

-Sass

A couple of things struck me about this one:

a) it seems a bit out of place when the POV switches from a sort of narrator-esque start to Willow's point of view. I had to go back a few lines and figure out where the change occurred. If you're gonna stick with that (I'd probably advise against it for this situation - maybe later on), there needs to be some sort of obvious separation...like a chapter break or something (which it's too early for). Either that or you need to bring the previous 'narrator' -esque bit to a more definite end before moving onto Willow.

b) the other thing is that although you gave an insight into what Willow's thoughts were about, there was very little to show her emotions (which are, let's face it, why we read fic). Maybe you were planning to build up to that, but it just seemed a little at-arm's-length if you know what I mean.

c) it might be worth showing the scene from Tara's perspective as well; to me it always seems a bit unbalanced when a fic doesn't show both sides of something so intertwined as the W/T relationship. Unless it's 100% designed to be so ("The Journal Of Tara Maclay" for example, awesome piece, only shows one side of the story really, but gets away with it easily).

Maybe I'm talking rubbish, but that's how I see it. It looks like a damned good start - really descriptive about the physical situation, but could do with a bit more emotional description IMO. At this point it seems that we know VERY little about Tara as well - maybe that's intentional, but given that we all pretty much know everything about her, is it wise to try and keep a veil over her to the reader?

Either way, if I could write that descriptively (is that a word?) then I'd be happy

I think it's worth considering continuing this - you can always plan where it's going from here now that you have a start. I know it's old, but sometimes you can pick up an old idea and go "ooooooo, I'd forgotten about that...this is actually pretty good...." and then you get drawn into it and spend far too long finishing it

Just my 10p.

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"Bugger, I thought you'd gone!" - Ethan Rayne