Version: Draft 1
Author: reverend
Disclaimer: BtVS belongs to Joss Whedon. Middle-Earth belongs to JRR Tolkien
Rating: PG-13 (FSK16)
Feedback: That's what this board is there for.
Distribution: None. Work in progress!
Background: Middle-Earth

Authors Notes:
Ok, after reading BtVS fanfics for a long time, I finally decided to start my very own. Yay me. I have an outline finished, as well as very rough drafts of the scenes. Now I could use feedback on the fleshed-out chapters, before I write so much that it would be too much work to correct large errors.

I have a couple of concerns myself, but I'll post them after this first draft.

However, two things to keep in mind please:
- English is not my native language.
- This is my first attempt at story-writing ever.

These are definately not excuses for mistakes, but reasons. Also, I assume that the reader is somewhat familiar with Tolkiens world.

******

Chapter 1: City of the Sealords

If a traveller boarded a ship in Osgiliath and decided to sail southward on the great River Anduin, he would soon arrive at the city of Pelargir, one of Gondors largest and busiest cities. At the point where the ship would enter the harbour of Pelargir, or rather, one of the countless little harbours along the streets, our traveller would have to strain his eyes to see the other bank of the river.

Of course, there is no reason to look towards the eastern bank of the river Anduin, with a view such as Pelargir sitting on the western bank. After crossing the city wall, the traveller would be greeted by a busy waterway, be it the river Sirith which joins the Anduin at Pelargir, or the artificial moat, that would be regarded as a river in its own right at most other places. No matter which river the ship sailed on, to one side would lie the outer city, bristling with life and to the other side, the mighty wall of the older, inner city. Both sides are lined with piers, where large merchant ships lie besides the small boats of local fishermen or the even smaller rowboats used by those who do not want to use the bridges that span over the rivers.

However, this is possibly one of the least exciting way to first experience Pelargir. Much more appealing is to travel through the fields and hills of the Lebennin and then arrive at Pelargir on foot or horseback. From the top of those hills, one can appreciate the strange layout of the city properly: The circular walls around the outer part, the Sirith and the moat that give the inner city its triangular shape and within the well guarded inner harbour the Barad Hiraer, the tall tower of the Sealords.

Our story begins there, on top of a hill overlooking the road towards the West Gate to Pelargir.

------

Wow.

That is not only the most common thought upon seeing a city like, say, Minas Anor for the first time, it is also the only coherent thought that went through the mind of the young woman who had just climbed the hillside to get a better view of the city ahead of her.

Undisturbed by the noise from the road, she stood there, looking forward to her first visit to the city. Her clothing was typical for a peasant in the Lebennin, sturdy travelling boots, coarse trousers and a shirt as well as a coat made of rough leather that now protected her against the chilly morning wind. Over her shoulder she had slung a simple cloth bag that once may have contained food and drink for her journey, but now seemed mostly empty. The tiredness on her face also spoke of the fact that she was clearly not used to travelling longer distances. However tired she was, her blue eyes still shone in anticipation. Pelargir. Ships. People. Places. Places to get lost in and never be found.

``First visit to Pelargir?''

She jumped at the voice that had suddenly spoken up behind her. Gripping the cords that held her bag together, she turned around.

``I remember my first visit. It's truly a spectacular sight. Unfortunately, like many spectacular things, it looses its magic once you've actually been in the city.''

The speaker was a middle-aged man in colourful clothing, that, although dirty from the road, was in better shape than that of the young woman. He spoke in an slightly musical, pleasant voice, that lend itself to the telling of long stories on a late evening. With a flourish he took off his feathered hat and gave a slight bow.

``Forgive my rudeness, I am Marek of Alderbreak, travelling bard, at your service.''

``T--t--tara.''

A raised eyebrow prompted the young woman to elaborate on her somewhat short answer.

``M--my name. T--tara. I am just a t--traveller...''

As if taken aback by her speech, she lowered her head and let strands of her long blonde hair fall over her eyes. Marek regarded her for a few moments before answering.

``Well, Tara, I'd like to stay and chat, but I've got a living to earn and a room for the night to find. If I were you, I'd try to find a room as soon as possible. The city is getting awfully crowded these days. Or so I've heard, anyway. And should you have some coins to spare, look for me on the Widows Green, my lute and I will be there.''

With that he bowed again, donned his hat, tipped its brim and walked down the hill, towards the road. From behind her curtain of hair, Tara watched the older man disappear into the everpresent crowd at the city's gate.

Find a room. I wonder if I have enough money.

Knowing better than to begin counting her, albeit few, coins in plain sight, she sighed and started walking.


******

So there.

Now, my own concerns:

- Prepositions. Well, non-native speaker. Sometimes I'm not quite sure which preposition is the correct one.
- Long sentences. I enjoy reading Tolkiens epic style. But if sentences get too long, please stop me.
- Pacing. Again, Tolkien fan here. I like reading lots of (maybe meaningless) details, so I write them as well. I already try to cut back, but find it difficult to maintain a good balance. Also, I don't want to rush the story. (this part however is the very beginning, so it is naturally slower than the following parts will be.)
- Length. This section is approximately one fifth of what I have planned for the first chapter. (note that each "chapter" will be a closed story, in case I don't find time to write the next one.)
- Middle-Earth. Should I write a small paragraph about the actual setting? As the story takes place during the Kinstrife (ca. 1500 years before the ringwar) it might help understanding.

So, let's hear it.

Reverend,

Thank you for taking the plunge and sharing this. It’s definitely interesting.

Here are some thoughts and observations.

If you have an outline it might be useful if you could post some key points to help clarify where you’re planning to take this.

Your use of language didn’t to me indicate that English is not your native language. There is the point about English rather than American spellings which I’ve mentioned later. It’s up to you how you go on that one I think.

I’ve never read any Tolkein. It’ll be interesting to see what Tolkein aficionados will make of this. Since you’ve mentioned the Tolkein connection, I am reading some of the names and locations and not sure if they’re all from his world or if some are places you’ve invented yourself. If I wanted to get the appropriate background I wouldn’t know what Tolkein to read. If you wanted to, you could draw the reader to the relevant passages or sections of his books. This might be easier and more effective than providing your own précis of his work. Alternatively, instead of a précis on Middle-Earth, you could work more background into the text, so that even for the uninitiated there’d be enough information to read without feeling the need to go and get background. Later if the reader decided to lookup Tolkein, they’d find what you’ve worked into the story was self consistent. I guess it’s not really any different to canon fanfic, i.e. you have to try to make the work consistent with the show but also accessible to neophytes.

Although I’ve not read Tolkein, I am aware of the reputation for very length explanations. Some people appreciate this, others may not. My personal view is that the opening for a story should leap off the page and grab the reader immediately. Like first paragraph. The background and details can all still exist but be worked into the telling. I know this is very subjective and depends on personal style. Far be it from me to suggest any style other than your developing style. I guess you might want to ask yourself; are you trying to actually emulate Tolkein’s style or develop a style of your own? If you are going for that specific style then perhaps the length of description is less of an issue because you’re assuming your readers will enjoy the Tolkein style.

I did find the introduction quite lengthy. It told me a lot about the place before anything really happened. For me it depends what sort of mood I am in as to how I feel about languid introductory text. If you wanted to take an alternative approach, you could consider starting with Tara surveying the city and the work the background in after that.




This reads in a slightly uneven way to me because it seems to suggest a single harbour and then elaborates into multiple small harbours.

There’s also the general spelling question. Do you want to deliberately use American spelling? If so you’ll need to look at things like “harbour”, “colour” as “harbour”, “color” etc. It’s likely that the bulk of readers are American so some of these words might stick out to an American reader.

Phrasing in the following:



Just a small point; isn’t a moat artificial by definition?

In the following, is that a thought or meant to be speech?




Was the road she was on naturally leading up the hillside and then down into the city or did she deliberately detour? I am not totally clear on that.



I am left curious by this. Where has she come from? How far has she come? Why is she travelling? I am guessing this will all be answered in time. The fact you’ve said it’s morning implies she may have travelled over night. Otherwise she might just be setting out if it was morning. I am given the impression she’s arriving so I am wondering if she’s had a hard overnight travel and if she’s travelled overnight that implies some urgency so I am curious as to what she’s hoping to find in the city or what she’s running away from.

``First visit to Pelargir?''

She jumped at the voice that had suddenly spoken up behind her. Gripping the cords that held her bag together, she turned around.



This echoes some of the description from the introduction. If you wanted to describe the environment in real time then you could take opportunities like these to work a little more in. Though you’d need to watch the pacing for it to work.



This is interesting. It seems more like a personal observance. Is there any objective tone of voice that everyone would recognise as bard like? Just a thought, but it might work better if it’s Tara’s opinion his tone of voice is that of the story teller. And if so it might link to why she thinks that and lead into her personal experiences.



I like that, it seems very in keeping with Tara’s personality. The only thing I am not sure of is if she’s taken aback by the fact she’s spoken at all or that her stutter is so evidently betraying her nerves.


I do hope you continue. The outline would help put the whole thing into context. All these thoughts are meant constructively and are just my thoughts. If I am saying anything that’s not clear, do let me know.

_________________
There's nothing very merry 'bout going round and round.

Thank you for the feedback and the encouragement. I made a few changes in the first paragraphs, but not enough to merit an edit of the post. (shortened it and cleared a few of the misunderstandings you pointed out)



Well, if you're looking for a book for the next long winter, give it a try. Lord of the Rings, that is. The other books are less known and even more "epic" in style than LotR. (I have to admit, on my first read, I skimmed over the longer poems in it myself... )

The places in my story are designed by Tolkien, Pelargir even has a whole five-second scene in the third LotR movie. That is the beauty of writing a Middle-Earth-AU story, the background is incredibly riched and detailed. (Google image-search for 'Pelargir', first image is a map of the city.)

Regarding British / American spelling: I was taught the British spelling at school, and my English professor at university also was British, so... I'm just glad that I can avoid confusing readers by sending someone to get 'doughnuts'.




You are right. It also seems a bit repetitive. I shortened it by a couple of lines, it's just that the layout of the city is too strange to describe in a few short sentences. I will try to shorten it some more, and then let the reader discover the city as Tara does.



Well, the outline is in German but the key points are basically:

• Tara arrives at Pelargir, runs into a bit of trouble on the streets.
• Cut to Willow, who gives the reader much needed information about the current poilitical situation in the city. (I might try to move some of the first paragraph here as well)
• Willow returns from her shopping on the market, meets Tara at the tavern where Willow works.
• Some late night disturbance, linked to the trouble Tara had earlier. (Basically, someone used her bags to hide stolen goods and now tries to get them back)
• Will and Tara work together to foil the attempt. (This being the scenes where most 'action' takes place)
• After dealing with the burglar / thief, small ending scene to round up the chapter.

The following parts are planned in less detail, but they involve the couple sneaking aboard a ship to remove evidence, travelling to the Ethir Anduin, dealing with a werewolf, chasing a mysterious crate with important cargo all over Pelargir (solving that mystery of course) and finally travelling north to the Ered Nimraîs (possibly facing Taras past).

It's basically supposed to be several shorter stories with a common thread.



By the way, what do you think is a better way, post updates the size of the last one to get feedback in detail, or post larger updates with some time in between?

Glad to be of help. I'd suggest posting smaller parts will make feedback easier.

_________________
There's nothing very merry 'bout going round and round.