Title: Interrogating Spike
Author: Phoenix
Spoilers: nope!
Rating: PG
[center]Revello Drive Dramatic Society Proudly Presents:
Interrogating Spike
a play
(well, duh!)
Directed by: Rupert Giles[/center]
A single dull light illuminates a poker table center stage in the basement of the Summers home. Stage left there is a washer and dryer. Stage right holds a shelving unit with dried goods on one shelf, a pile of stakes on another shelf, and the bottom shelf holds a stack of identical leather pants next to a stack of identical white blouses. There is a bottle of bleach by the washer. There are also chains and manacles attached to the back wall.
Full lights come up, revealing Dawn sitting by the middle of the table, awkwardly holding a set of cards. On one side of her is Clem, who is trying to peek at Dawn's cards. On the other is Anonymous Zombie, who is disregarding his cards for sniffing at Dawn's hair. There is an empty basket on the table.
A sound of thumping down stairs and Spike enters stage left and walks into the room, stopping at the table long before the sound effect finally fades. He rolls his eyes, and then says loudly:
Spike: Are you sure it's safe to play here? This is the Slayer's basement, you bunch of sodding bloody gits. (without accent) Are you sure that's British enough? I could try harder!
(from offstage) Director: Would you just get on with it? (undertone) Sodding, bloody git.
Spike: Right then. Cheerio.
Clem: You better have a kitten. No kitten, no cards. You know the rules.
Anonymous Zombie burps and we hear a harsh yowl.
Clem: Would you stop eating the kittens? How many do you think the stage manager can find for us? Why at last night's rehearsal alone you ate... (sees the Director's fist shake) I mean, no kitten, no cards. You know the rules.
Spike: Yeah, yeah, I get your sodding bloody rules.
Spike ambles up to the empty chair at the table next to Anonymous Zombie. The zombie immediately starts sniffing him and pawing at his leather jacket.
Spike: Hands off the merchandise, you sodding bloody git. (to offstage) We're not even two minutes into the play, Rupert, and I'm sick of those sodding bloody words! You're a bleeding Librarian, for pity's sake, would you just google some British euphemisms, please? (back to the others) Well. Deal me in.
Clem: Um, your kitten?
Spike looks in his jacket pocket, then under his shirt. From offstage, a hand holds out a squirming calico kitten. Spike jumps up to take the kitten, stroking it with a soft whimsical smile on his face before looking at the audience and abruptly changing his demeanor. He returns to the table holding the kitten by the scruff of the neck.
(From offstage) Willow: Spike, you promised!
Spike rolls his eyes, then cradles the kitten, and hands it to Clem. He sits roughly down, pulls out a pack of cigarettes, flicks one out, then lights it and takes a puff.
Dawn: No smoking in the theatre, Spike, you know that! (Dawn takes cigarette and snaps it between her fingers.)
Spike: (to audience)Would anyone else like to tell me off? No? Then let's get on with the bleeding production. (to Clem) You've got your kitten, now give me my cards.
Clem deals Spike five cards, rolls his eyes, and deals another to Anonymous Zombie, who has just eaten one of his own. All the actors pretend to be seriously studying their cards, except for AZ, who has taken to sniffing Dawn's hair again.
Spike: Two please.
Clem hands Spike two cards. Audience can see an Ace of Spades hidden in a fold of Clem's arm. There is another Ace of Spades peeking out of Spike's sleeve. They all look meaningfully at AZ. He holds up two fingers, one of which falls off, which he promptly eats, and burps. Clem sighs and hands him two more cards.
Dawn: My turn? Five please.
(maddeningly calm) Spike: Little Bit? You can only take up to three.
Dawn: Oh. Three please. (After looking at her cards, Dawn yelps in glee, then looks sheepish.) I mean, woo hoo.
Clem:(looking meaningfully at Dawn) I'm out.
Spike: You sodding bloody git, we've barely started. You're scared of a little girl? Did I just said sodding and bloody again? I should have Willow do the googling.
(from offstage) Tara: She already is! (giggles ensue)
Spike: Oh, please, who wrote this pile of garbage? (Hits AZ with a casual backhand as the zombie attempts to once again eat his leather jacket.) And could we please get some real snacks for our boy here?
Three more kittens are hurled unceremoniously through the air, AZ catching and eating each of them one after the other. He burps.
(Buffy storms on to the stage from the left) Buffy: I wrote it, Spike!
Spike turns back to his cards, his cheeks flushing. Spike: Ruddy brilliant, then.
Buffy: Dawn, what on earth are you doing here? You're too young to be in a poker scene, do you want the producers to get mad at me? Where's Tara? She's supposed to be doing this scene.
Dawn is carefully looking at her cards as AZ is climbing down from his chair to gnaw on the table legs.
Dawn: Um, Tara's a bit busy right now. I can handle this, Buffy, really. (Turning to Spike) I see your pretzels and I raise you a ding dong.
Spike: Ah, playing with the big boys now, are you? I see your ding dong... (Buffy slaps Spike upside the head) It's a pastry, for pity's sake! (Spike rubs his head.) What else could it possibly be?
(Laughter from offstage)
Spike: Oh, right. (addressing Dawn) Maybe Buffy's right, Tara should be in this scene.
Dawn: Oh, sure. My ding dong isn't good enough for you, but Tara's is. Well maybe you should just go get Tara's ding dong, then. (Lays down her cards in a huff.)
(from offstage) Willow: The only person getting Tara's ding dong around here is me!
Buffy: Would all of you quit it? We're trying to keep this PG, all right? Tara!
(sounds of kissing abruptly terminate off stage right. Tara appears, backing onto the stage, giving Willow a final kiss, then waving at her as Buffy grabs her arm and propels her to the poker table. Dawn gets up in a huff, kicks AZ who is trying to bite her ankles, and sweeps the basket of kittens from the table as she leaves.)
Clem: Hey, I'm hungry, too!
(a small package is hurled from offstage) Director: Then have a bleeding ding dong and let's move on!
Tara looks at the cards Dawn left her. Tara: Woo hoo! (Looking at Spike, Clem, and AZ, she tries to put on a poker face) I mean... ding dong... um, let's move on, shall we?
Clem: I'm out!
Spike: I see your... pastry... and I raise you some Cherry NyQuil.
Tara: Cherry NyQuil? Why on earth do you have Cherry NyQuil? Do vampires get colds?
Spike: (shortly) No, but we do get bored. Besides, it looks like blood. Could we please move on? I'm getting thirsty.
Tara: Okay, then. What do you have?
(Spike lays down his cards) Spike: Two pair, ace high.
(Tara is about to lay down her cards when there is a commotion from stage left. Xander enters, pulling on his shirt, then brandishes a plastic dollar store sword at Spike).
Xander: At last, you foul fiend!
(Everyone is confused.)
Tara: Not yet, Xander.
Xander: What?
Tara: Um.
Spike: What she means to say is that you've just skipped five pages, you sodding bloody git. Oh, for pity's sake, now I'm doing it. (sits back in his chair in a huff) I hate all you people.
(Anya enters from stage left, pulling her shirt down.) Anya: We are so talking about this right now, Alexander Harris.
Xander: Um, honey? The play?
Anya: The audience can screw themselves. It wasn't my fault you made me moan.
Xander: You moaned, 'Jonathan', Ahn. Jonathan! I thought that was a one-time deal with that freaky demon, but no, you keep bringing it up.
Anya: Just because I have healthy fantasies is no reason to get mad at me, Xander. You're constantly fantasizing about Willow and Tara.
(Willow storms onto the set from stage right to stand behind Tara, her hands on Tara's shoulders. They both look at Xander, appalled.)
Willow and Tara: What?
(In the background Spike is trying to light another cigarette, which Buffy takes from him and hands him a stick of chewing gum instead, then she casually slays AZ.)
Xander: (looking sheepishly at Willow and Tara) Um... (whirling to look at Anya) Now look what you've done! Remember what I told you about private discussions not being private anymore when they're in front of my friends? (looking back at Willow and Tara) So, who's winning the card game?
Tara pushes her chair back and stands next to Willow.
Tara: So, Xander, you like to fantasize about us? (She pulls Willow aggressively into her arms, then kisses her passionately.)
Xander's jaw drops, and Anya's jaw drops, too. Dawn edges onto the set, smiling, until Buffy covers her eyes. Clem is chuckling and devouring all the ding dongs. Only Spike seems disinterested, as he starts looking at Clem's and AZ's cards.
Giles storms onto the set.
Director: Can't we have a single dress rehearsal without everything falling apart? Spike, no smoking. Dawn, no poker playing. Buffy, no slaying.
Xander and Anya continue to argue and Willow and Tara continue to make out like mad.
Director: (looking at Willow and Tara) Oh, get a room! Someone pull the curtains, please!
The lights go down, but the curtain isn't pulled shut. We see Willow and Tara rolling on the ground, Xander and Anya doing the same. Clem looks flirtatiously at Spike.
Spike: Don't even go there.
End of Scene One.
TBC sometime eventually
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