TITLE: Here Without You 7a/ 10 (I think)
AUTHOR: Washi (ZWS)
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, give it to me!
RATING: R, I think for implied sex, although some steamy scenes are planned.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters, Joss does or whoever. If I owned them, do you really think I would let season 6 happen? And why the hell would I be writing this?
So yeah, all belongs to Joss, ME etc...
The lyrics in this piece are owned by their respective owners.
SPOILERS: None, this is AU. It’s set in Sunnydale, but without the whole Hellmouth thingy.
TIMELINE and NOTES: Willow is about 23, Tara is 24, etc…
I read two kickass fics about Willow being in love and Tara being unsure, which are ‘Beholden’ by cinderlust and ‘The Heart Rules the Mind’ by DarkWiccan. Since both these fics aren’t finished, I thought I’d try to write about it.
Also, this fic contains angst, the road to an endless love contains a heartbreak in general.
This is also a way for me to exorcise my own inner demons.
I also hope my music taste doesn’t make people flinch.
Don’t worry, still working on the ‘Sex Journals’ and Dark Core, but I needed to get this out of my system.
Do I need to tell you how this ends? Didn’t think so.
Finally, this fic is written, and will have one update a day.
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive.
DEDICATION: This is for Yel and all the people who ever fell in love with their best friends, and who suffered through a love that’s not returned.
Thanks: To DarkWiccan for continuing The Heart Rules The Mind, To Arron, and she knows why and to Marciam, who read this one and told me what she thought.
Thoughts are in < >, flashbacks in italics, and lyrics in bold.
*****
Your face, it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice, it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Evanescence – My Immortal I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
Three Doors Down – Here Without You
She saw her walking towards her, her long blonde locks flowing behind her. Light cascaded on her hair, making it shine like the purest gold. She walked steadily, and the redhead held her breath, watching this Goddess, this flaxen-haired angel come to her. She saw the deepest blue eyes stare back at her, and she smiled, her face splitting into a giant grin. The blonde replied with a crooked smile of her own and continued walking until they were face to face.
Slowly, she extended her hands and her fingertips touched the warm skin they longed for since she had seen her blonde goddess.
They touched, almost too lightly to be felt and they migrated to run over the smooth skin of her cheekbones, her eyelids and finally came to rest on the corner of the blonde’s lips, her thumb pausing there, as if tasting the sweet skin. The redhead looked at the plush rose lips inviting hers closer, and she could only comply, needing to quench the thirst that had persecuted her for so long.
The pad of her thumb ran over them, slowly, pulling slightly at them, and the blonde’s breathing hitched. She wanted the kiss, she needed it, and the redhead was only eager to finally taste the blonde. And she did, by slowly removing her digit and leaning forward, feeling the blonde’s breath on her own moist lips. They touched, and everything else seemed so little, so insignificant. Nothing was true besides this moment, this kiss, this union.
Their lips started brushing against each other slowly, lightly, but soon, it wasn’t enough. Mouths opened and fused, as tongues crept out to meet their mates, to entwine, to dance. Hands moved towards auburn or blonde locks and soon were entangled there, pulling the other person’s mouth more tightly against their own as their tongues continued rubbing against each other. Their breathing increased as they swallowed each other’s groans and moans of pleasure.
Sweet desire flowed in their veins, tinting their blood with red passion. Their minds were no longer in control, and all they wanted was to get even closer. Clothes becoming cumbersome, they were quickly tossed aside to reveal the magnificence of their bodies, for once bare, naked, as were their souls at that moment. They stared shamelessly.
After a long moment, they reached for each other, their hearts pounding in their chests, the din almost deafening. Lips merged again as their hands explored new places and discovered new pleasure points. The desire was now pooling between their legs and instinctively, they parted the other’s legs to place a thigh. They started grinding into each other, feeling the pleasure, the moisture on their legs and on their noses…
Willow bolted awake as Faith dripped a cold glass of water on her nose. Faith shrugged and pointed at her watch. They were late.
Despite her pounding head, Willow jumped up and walked to the bathroom, a cold “I hate you” tossed over her shoulder at Faith, who smirked and looked very pleased with herself.
*****
Faith was tired. She had been working non-stop on a computer, and her eyes were sore. Her ass was starting to become numb from all the sitting, and she needed a cigarette break. She got up, stretched and caught a young employee looking at her, his eye wide. It was obvious what he was thinking about, and it probably involved Faith in a white tee shirt and a lot of water. She smirked and walked over to him.
“Like whatcha see?” she asked him cockily.
He looked stunned and could only nod his head. She smiled. “Can you believe a chick didn’t want me?”
The stunned look on his face turned to surprise and finally to shock. She waggled her eyebrows at him and walked over to Willow’s desk, swaying her ass provocatively. She looked at Willow and couldn’t help but feel for her friend. She was looking at her computer screen blankly. At first, when Giles had told her that Marti wasn’t going anymore, but that Willow was her replacement, she almost jumped gleefully, which she of course didn’t do. She thought she and the redhead would have fun, but Willow was miserable, and Faith didn’t want to party anymore. It was as if the redhead’s presence reminded her of her love for Buffy, and that also made her sad. She’d never admit it, but it did. Her grin faded.
“Hey Will.” She quietly greeted her friend.
Willow never responded, she just looked at her and raised her eyebrow.
“Look, I’m sorry for before, okay? I know it was mean. Thought it’d be funny, but it ain’t if you’re not laughing Will.”
Willow’s glare softened. “You called me Will.”
“Nope, I called ya Red.” Faith quickly said.
“Nope, you called me Will. Twice if I may say so.”
“Ok, ok, whatever, let’s take a break, I need a smoke.” Faith replied, shrugging.
Willow got up and they both left.
*****
After getting cups of coffee, both girls sat on a bench outside. Faith opened her pack and took one smoke out, lightly tapping on it before raising it to her lips and holding it there. She took her lighter out of her pocket and flicked it open before lighting her cigarette. She took a drag and watched as the smoke drifted away from her. Willow sat quietly and sipped at her coffee, her eyes far away.
“Red?”
Willow didn’t respond, her eyes staring at nothing in particular, pain evident in them. Faith looked at her and felt a sharp jab of pain in her heart.
“Red?” Faith called again, this time putting her hand on Willow’s shoulder.
“Yeah?” Willow replied, still staring afar.
“Red, are you okay? You look kinda out of it.”
“I’m ok.”
“If ya say so.” Faith replied and went back to drinking her coffee.
“I am.” Willow replied, “It’s just… I just wonder how things will be when I get back, how things will have changed, because things will have changed, and I kinda wonder how I should react towards Tara, because now she knows, and even though we’ll never get together, I still, you know, want us to be friends. But I know it won’t be the same. And that kinda scares me, a-and...”
Her cell phone ringing interrupted Willow. She looked at the number and saw that it was from back home, more precisely, Xander's cell. She looked at the phone and finally answered.
“Hello.”
She listened to the caller for a few seconds. “Is this an emergency?” she asked.
“Then goodbye.” she said, ending the call.
“Red, who was it?” Faith asked, feeling sorry for the person who called.
“Back home.” Willow replied, her face set with resolve. “I told them to only call me for an emergency. But they keep calling me, and Xander even went as far as telling me to think of how this is hurting Tara. I know she’s hurting, or at least I think she is. But she’s not hurting the way I am. None of them ever have. They don’t understand what it feels like to have your heart ripped out. We both do. Me and You Faith.” Willow looked solemnly at the brunette, tears in her eyes.
Faith wouldn’t let herself break down. She knew that if she was going to let herself go, she’d cry for hours. And doing that in office hours was so not her style.
“Willow, how about tonight we get some take-out and we stay in the hotel, and we talk about all this mess, okay?”
Willow nodded and wiped her eyes like a little child. Faith got up, stubbing her cigarette on the ground and started going back inside, Willow following her like a lost puppy.
*****
“God, what a long freakin’ day.” Faith exclaimed as they set down their stuff on the table in the small living room in their suite. They had decided to go for Chinese and placed the containers on the small coffee table, before going and getting out of their work clothes into something more comfortable. They both sat in their pajamas on the couch and both started eating silently. When they finished their food, Faith got up and made coffee. Setting down the two mugs on the table, Willow looked into hers and scowled.
“I like mine black.” Willow protested.
“And how the hell can you drink coffee that strong black?”
“It makes me feel even more numb. The caffeine keeps me going. Or, I’m gonna break down.”
“Maybe you wouldn’t break down if you ate something. Willow, you’re killing yourself.” he said, touching her hand.
“I died Saturday night.”
“Well, not tonight. Tonight is white and filled with sugar.”
“But…”
“Look Red, you’ve been living off coffee, and I promised Blondie I’d take care of you, so white and sugar-y.” Faith replied before almost slapping herself.
Willow’s face once more darkened and her pensive-face came back. It was impossible of her to get the blonde off her mind for more than a few seconds. Willow raised her eyes to Faith’s and smiled sadly.
“She told you to take care of me?” the redhead whispered, uncertainly.
Faith looked at her and decided to tell her the truth. “Yeah, she asked me to look after you, for her.”
“Oh.”
Faith nodded and lit a smoke. She took a long drag and exhaled slowly, making circles with the smoke.
“So, Red, what should we do?”
“Finish these and go to bed?” the redhead asked hopefully.
“I meant about the girls we’re in love… I mean the girls we want.” Faith said, cursing herself for her slip.
Willow’s eyes locked on Faith’s. “Don’t worry, you can say it in front of me, I won’t tell anyone else.”
Faith sighed. “It’s just, you know, if I don’t say it, then maybe I can deny it to myself, ya know?” she said, taking another drag of her cigarette.
Willow looked at her for a long while, nodding. Finally, she spoke. “You should tell Buffy.”
“Riight. Just what I need a healthy dose of rejection. I’ve been rejected enough my whole life Will, hell, I’ve been rejected by my own mother. So, ya know, not saying anything is better than being rejected again.” Faith spat out, her eyes darkening with pain.
“Well, who knows Faith. You gotta risk something, and maybe, Buffy is interested in you. I mean, I know she only dated guys , but you never know. You gotta risk it Faith, think of what you’ll get back if she does like you too.” Willow babbled.
“Look who’s talking.” Faith muttered before glancing at her friend, who looked hurt. “Sorry Willow. You know I didn’t mean that.” Willow nodded, but Faith continued. “But seriously, how can you not know Tara doesn’t like you? Ok, how about this, if I risk it, you’ll risk it too. K?”
Willow thought about it for a while, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. What Faith had said hurt, but she knew it was true. “When we go back.”
Faith smiled and stubbed out her cigarette. “No Bull.”
“Really, I’ll do it, I mean, what do I have to lose?”
“That’s the spirit Red!” Faith replied.
“Now, I’m off to bed.” Willow told her as she got up. She walked to her room and stopped before going in. “Thanks Faith.”
The brunette smiled. “No prob Red.”
*****
Willow showered and got ready for bed. She laid for a while on her back, just looking at the ceiling and thinking. Tears, unnoticed, trickled down her cheeks as she kept thinking of that night, of the night in which her heart was broken. She turned in bed and switched on the radio, noticing for the first time wetness on her face. She wiped at her tears angrily, she was so tired of crying.
A rock song came on the radio, and she listened to the singer’s voice. It was one of her favorite songs, and she turned down the volume so only she could hear it. She held the pillow tightly to her, as if it was Tara’s body and she fell into a heavy sleep, the last thing she heard being the song’s chorus.
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me
*****
T.B.C
-------------------
"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa
The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB
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Edited by: Washi at: 4/17/04 8:04 pm