TITLE: Here Without You part 8a/?
AUTHOR: Washi (ZWS)
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, give it to me!
RATING: R, I think for implied sex, although some steamy scenes are planned.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters, Joss does or whoever. If I owned them, do you really think I would let season 6 happen? And why the hell would I be writing this?
So yeah, all belongs to Joss, ME etc...
The lyrics in this piece are owned by their respective owners.
SPOILERS: None, this is AU. It’s set in Sunnydale, but without the whole Hellmouth thingy.
TIMELINE and NOTES: Willow is about 23, Tara is 24, etc…
I read two kickass fics about Willow being in love and Tara being unsure, which are ‘Beholden’ by cinderlust and ‘The Heart Rules the Mind’ by DarkWiccan. Since both these fics aren’t finished, I thought I’d try to write about it.
Also, this fic contains angst, the road to an endless love contains a heartbreak in general.
This is also a way for me to exorcise my own inner demons.
I also hope my music taste doesn’t make people flinch.
Don’t worry, still working on the ‘Sex Journals’, but I needed to get this out of my system.
Do I need to tell you how this ends? Didn’t think so.
Finally, this fic is pretty much written already. I'm just working on the last chapters.
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, either here or by email, although here is better.
ARCHIVE: Wherever, just let me know first.
DEDICATION: This is for Yel and all the people who ever fell in love with their best friends, and who suffered through a love that’s not returned.
Many thanks to Charlie for, well, the small beta and the ego boost.
Thoughts are in < >, flashbacks in italics, and lyrics in bold.
*****
There's no me without you
There's no meaning to life without you
Tell me why should I care 'bout doing my hair
When I can't stop the thinking about you
There's no moon without you
There's no Saturday nights without you
There's no walk through the park
No beat in my heart
No I love you, No I can't live without you Tony Braxton
*****
I have lain in my bed,
Half asleep, half awaken,
For countless days, countless nights,
As my thoughts ran away and fled,
And towards you they took flight.
I have lain in my bed,
Shedding tears of pain, tears of regret,
As I understood the life I was to live,
And why in love I shouldn't believe.
I have lain in my bed,
My eyes unseeing ahead,
Watching my lonely future unfold,
With no one to love, to cherish, to hold.
I have lain in my bed,
Thinking of the words that should have been said,
Of the way life would be,
If you were in love with me.
I lay here in bed,
Thinking of how my heart has bled,
Of the pain I've been feeling for so long,
Of the reasons why I should stay,
And here I lay in bed, for another painful day.
Willow put the final dot on the poem she had been writing and looked over it again. As she was sitting, working on one of her sites, she had been inspired to write something, anything that would alleviate her pain. As she looked over the words she had scribbled on the piece of paper, she knew that nothing could do that. Writing it on paper just made it more tangible, more real. The words had flown from her pen, as if a river of pain was contained in it, and she was somewhat surprised at the result, though a bit worried.
she thought to herself.
Suicidal thoughts had been swirling in her head, and it had made her see how depressed she was becoming. Days and nights looked the same, except that she could cry at night. Nothing had any taste, nothing filled her with joy. Writing and working on her sites were just a way to pass the time, to make everything end faster. She felt herself sinking, and she didn't know how to get to the surface, how to beat this black veil that was making her see nothing but gloom and despair.
She sighed and looked at the paper she had scribbled on again. She got up and got her wallet, tucking the piece of paper neatly into one of the spare pockets. Feeling fatigued, she sat down on the edge of the bed, her hands still holding the purse tightly. She leaned forward a bit and dangled her arms slightly between her knees. Her head was bowed, her lips full and her eyes lost.
"Hey Red, trying to achieve the perfect picture of despair? You know what happens when you do that." Faith said, walking briskly into her friend's room. The sight of her friend's bowed head and hopeless posture had made her feel sad, but she couldn't let the sadness take over.
Willow looked up wearily at the brunette and raised a tired hand to rub her eyes. She looked up at Faith and tried to smile. "No, what's that?"
The brunette smiled devilishly and straddled Willow's legs.
"Whoa, Faith, you know I don't like you that way!" Willow tried to protest.
"Eww! I was thinking..." she paused to let the tension mount slightly before yelling "Tickle fight!"
Willow tried squirming away but the brunette was too strong for her. After wrestling a bit on the mattress, Willow finally managed to get up, laughter still evident on her face. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. Faith meanwhile was staring at her.
Faith though.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" Willow asked self-consciously.
"No, it's just that I missed your laugh. It's been such a long time since I heard it." Faith replied, her honesty blinding.
Willow's face quickly dropped again and she sat down on the bed quietly, her head tilted downwards.
Faith got up slowly to sit next to the redhead and wrap an arm around Willow's shoulder, holding her as the redhead started crying. For many minutes Willow's tears soaked the dark fabric of Faith's shirt, but Faith stayed still, stayed silent. She knew words would do nothing at that moment but make the redhead even more depressed. Sentences like 'everything will be okay' or 'you'll find someone' meant nothing when they should. They were just words people threw around in times of heartache to cheer the person up, but did it really work? Faith knew they didn't, knew it from experience. She knew those sentences, knew every single nuance of the spoken words, and all they did was break her heart repeatedly. When she saw a friend of hers who was finally happy in a relationship and she'd say 'I'm happy for you, you deserve it', her friend's reply 'You deserve love too' only made her bitter.
But she smiled and said nothing. Said nothing because she knew deep inside, under her mask, her shell that finding love was a possibility, one she hadn't tried yet, that is until Buffy Summers. It was strange to Faith to feel something she had, up until then, only seen in movies, and in other people's lives. She used to scoff when people mentioned quickening heart beats or how the world would move in slow-motion when they saw their loved ones.
she thought,
But the world slowed down, swam and shimmered when Buffy walked into a room. And her heart, the little soldier, chose that time to make its presence known. And, every time Buffy went home after a night at the Bronze, her heart would break, implode in a million fragments that only Buffy herself could fuse back together.
And so, she let Willow cry, in silence.
*****
After a while, Willow finally raised her head from Faith's shoulder and uttered a thank you, her face darkening with blood. She wiped her face with the sleeves of her shirt, and to Faith, she looked exactly like a child who was in pain. A red-haired version of herself. Less wild, of course, but similar.
"Don't be embarrassed." Faith quietly spoke.
Willow bowed her head and replied softly, self-reproach tinting her words. "I cried all over your shirt. I look like an idiot, like a kid. I should be embarrassed."
"No. Not with me. Don't be ashamed to have feelings."
Willow raised her head and a crooked smile slowly appeared on her face. "Okay," she paused..."mommy."
"God, I screwed myself with that one, didn't I?" Faith said, sighing deeply.
"Yep, but your secret's safe with me."
"It better freakin' be. Or I'm gonna kick so much ass! Now, you, get showered and dressed, we're going out tonight. Some booze and dancing will make us feel better." the brunette said, getting up.
“I… I can’t. I have, um, work, yep work to do.” Willow quickly replied.
“Work, huh? You’ll do that tomorrow morning.”
“No, I… I have work, of the non-paying kind. I have my own websites to update and maintain. And, then, I have some fan fiction to write. Something angsty, to make people feel as bad as I do.”
“You write fan fiction?! How old are you? Ten?”
Willow huffed indignantly. “I’ll have you know that many intelligent and mature people write fan fiction. The difference is the way it’s written, and the character portrayal. And the themes. That’s what distinguishes good fics from bad fics. Cause some are just… bad! And, I think mine are pretty good, not as good as some others of course, but good. And my readers are waiting for an update. See, I have this one fic that I must finish. Tonight.”
“No, you’re going to this hot gay club, to get drunk, with me.”
"Yeah, ‘cause that worked so well the first time." Willow replied with unusual sarcasm.
"Ouch Red, that hurt. Get ready, we move in twenty. At least seeing you get drunk is better than this. And, who knows, you might have fun." Faith replied before walking out of the redhead's room.
"Doubtful. Very doubtful." Willow muttered before sighing and moving to the bathroom.
*****
TBC...
-------------------
"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa
The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB
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Yeah, i adore them too and it would be such a waste if they are not going to get back together next season. 
Poor Willow and Tara. And poor you! With the whole moving deal. Stressful. 
BWR 
.
