Title: Twisted part 10
Author: Magrat
Spoilers: As before
Ratings: R
Feedback: yes please but keep it constructive
Disclaimer: They don’t belong to me; I would have treated them better. London Rain belongs to the wonderful Heather Nova
Twisted part 10
Tara woke gently from a deep dreamless sleep; it took her a moment to adjust to her surroundings and everything that had happened the night before. She stole a look at the alarm clock on Lorne’s night table. It read 3:30 she had been asleep for almost 12 hours.
She could feel the presence of someone else in the room. Tara spoke without giving much impression that she had awoken. “Whatcha doing Spike?”
The vampire was surprised but gave no outward sign. “Those new empathic type powers are really working for you.”
Tara opened her eyes to see him sitting crossed legged on Lorne’s dresser, looking rather like a devilish imp. “Maybe, but you still haven’t answered my question. What are you doing Spike?”
Spike shrugged. “Just checking that you’re alright. I slipped in when the gang were all talking.”
“Funny,” said Tara. “I never figured you as my guardian angel. So what is going on with you Spike?”
“Can’t a bloke show a little concern?” Spike asked, putting on an offended air.
“Is that what having a soul does for you?” Asked Tara and then looking curious. “How did you do it anyway?”
The vampire shifted uncomfortably and wouldn’t look at the witch. “It’s not important and it’s done now, but you…”
Tara closed her eyes and opened her mind, seeking his feelings. “It was painful, wasn’t it? Worse than you ever thought and the weight of guilt you feel is crushing.” Tara shivered at the mark of darkness and despair that could and would never quite leave him. “You’re still not sure if you can live with it, but you think by helping me you might be able to?”
Spike stared moodily towards the door, now starting to wish he hadn’t come to see her.
Tara caught his mood. “I’m s-sorry, that was rude of me. You can g-go if you want.”
“In a little while,” said Spike relaxing slightly. “You know you are going to start freaking people out doing that. Can you stop it?” He asked out of pure curiosity.
“Y-yes, I think so,” answered Tara. “I have to concentrate to do it.”
“I’m not saying it won’t be useful for the Scooby’s…”
“What would you say if I told you I wasn’t going back with them?” Asked Tara.
Spike cocked his head to one side shocked. “Is that some kinda weird type of joke?”
“N-no, I’m n-not sure if going back is the best thing for them or me,” explained Tara.
“Not the best thing for them? They travelled here to find you. They would have stormed Wolfram and Hart to get you back. If you don’t go back it’s for you not them,” retorted Spike. “The niblet is so excited, she hasn’t stopped talking about you. Red, is waiting for the moment she can talk to you, even the demon chick is happy, so don’t say it’s about them.”
“B-but, its hard you know Spike, everything that I’ve been through…Its just hard.”
“Isn’t that another reason to return? I mean how many people have died, gone to heaven and come back? At least with The Scoobys you have someone else who has been through it.” He checked Tara’s face. “Okay maybe not the strongest selling point in the world, but its something.” Still not getting any reaction from the blonde he finally snapped out, “Look, you’re family and you better get used to it.”
Spike watched the tears start to show in her eyes. “C’mon love, you’re stronger than this.”
“ No, I’m not Spike. I’m scared…”
“Well, that’s understandable, that bastard Warren shot you. Anyone would be bloody scared of being with The Scoobys, but it’s where you belong,” Spike dropped his voice, trying to be gentle.
Tara suddenly threw back her head, roaring with laughter. “Dying doesn’t scare me, if that’s what you think.”
“Well, it crossed my mind…”
“No, dying is easy. It’s being alive…”
“I know I was with Buffy remember, I helped her…” Spike stopped searching for the right word. “I helped her feel.”
Tara raised an eyebrow. “You really believe that don’t you?”
“Yes,” answered the vampire with utter conviction.
“You didn’t, you just stopped her from having to deal with her life,” said Tara meeting his stare.
“She needed me…”
“She needed to live Spike…whatever you did together, it didn’t help her live it just sunk her further…”
“This isn’t about me and Buffy. This is about you and you not facing up to your life,” said Spike jumping down from his perch and baring down on the blonde.
Tara backed away from his movement to the other side of the bed pulling her knees up and protectively hugging them.
Spike stopped moving immediately, and sat slowly on the end of the bed, struck by the look of fear on her face. “I won’t hurt you love. I can’t even if I want too.”
“I bet you can,” shrugged Tara her heart still pounding hard, but she reached out with her mind and could feel that he really did mean her no harm. “You can h-hurt B-Buffy, so you can probably do the same to me.”
He reached out his hand for Tara and then pulled it back. Spike knew this wasn’t his place. “Talk with the niblet, please.”
“Why is this so important to you?” Asked Tara.
“I want to do some good,” he mumbled. “For you…for Buffy…”
“It’s always about Buffy with you isn’t it?” Asked Tara with an exasperated edge to her voice.
The vampire didn’t try and disagree, instead he just shrugged his shoulders and got off the bed but before leaving he looked over his shoulder. “I’ll send Dawn in to see you.”
*************
“What the hell are you up to?” Asked Angel slamming Spike against the wall as he came through the door.
“What’s it to you, you big poof?” Sneered Spike, as he pushed the other vampire off.
“Actually, I’m kinda intrigued too,” said Buffy appearing from behind Angel.
Spike bit back on a sarcastic retort. “I was talking with the witch; she wants to talk to Dawn.”
“Really?” Asked the teenager lighting up.
“Why don’t you go in and see her,” said Spike softly.
*****************
Dawn stood at the threshold of the bedroom, her heart pounding. So much had happened over the last couple of years. She had already witnessed her sister die and come back from the grave and now this. Dawn took a deep breath and entered.
Tara felt Dawn’s indecision. “Hey, Sweetie.”
The teenager walked unsteadily into the room. The memory of discovering Tara’s dead body flashed through her head. “It’s really you, isn’t it?” Asked Dawn going to the bed, sitting by Tara and tracing her fingers over the planes of the blonde woman’s face. “I almost imagined I’d dreamt last night, but it’s real and your back. Tara, I missed you so much. It was horrible without you, I mean Buffy tried to hold us together but Willow…she was…she was dead without you.” Dawn put her head on Tara’s chest and wrapped her arms around her. “I can hear your heart beat.” Dawn couldn’t hold together any longer and dissolved into tears.
“Shh, Dawnie, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” said Tara sealing her future, unable to hurt Dawn more.
***************************
Willow walked away from her friends and went into the bar, her shoulders dropping. She went into a booth and curled up into herself, surrendering to the heartache she felt.
The slayer followed quietly, she watched for a second before speaking. “Willow, she’ll come around.”
Willowed looked up and was barely able to focus at Buffy through puffy, blood shot eyes. “When, after she’s spoken to everyone who isn’t me?”
“Give her time,” said Buffy sitting beside Willow and grasping both her hands. “It’s hard to adjust to living again.”
“I know Buffy…”
“Willow, I think you should forget about Tara for the moment…”
“What?” Asked Willow her voice harsh. “How can you even suggest that?”
“Look, that came out all wrong, I think you should concentrate on you, you haven’t been well Will, you’ve hardly even eaten in months…”
“I don’t care about me,” mumbled Willow with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Well, I do,” said the slayer firmly. “And I think Tara does too. You have to make sure you are well for her. You want that don’t you?”
“Of course I do. She is my everything, I want her so much,” stated Willow simply.
“But that could take a while. You have to be healthy and eat and sleep some. Will, do you think you’re going to be able to wait for her? We don’t know how long it’ll take for her to be the Tara we both loved.”
“I’ll wait, as long as it takes and even if she isn’t the same person…I will always love her,” whispered Willow her face showing so much pain. “What else can I do?”
“Do you think you can deal with the pain of seeing her every day and Tara not being yours? “ Asked Buffy as she pulled Willow into her arms, stroking her hands through her fragile friend’s hair.
“At least I can see her Buffy, and I never dreamed that would happen again,” said Willow. “I suppose I’ll just have to wait.”
Buffy nodded. “It’ll be fine Willow. You’ll see everything will be okay. She’s here now… everything is good.” As she rocked Willow back and forth, she could already feel the difference. Before Tara came back so inward had Willow turned her grief that she hardly ever let anyone touch her. Buffy couldn’t believe how light and insubstantial her friend felt, she couldn’t help but wonder how much longer Willow would have survived if Tara hadn’t been brought back to them.
Buffy waited until Willow had pulled herself together. “Do you want to go back into the apartment? I think we have a lot of things to discuss with everyone.”
***************************
Tara calmed Dawn down and eventually decided it was about time she got out of bed. She showered quickly and pulled on the clothes Wolfram and Hart had bought. She now felt uncomfortable in the leather trousers and the body clinging tank top.
Dawn sat on the bed waiting for Tara, she watched the blonde emerge from the bathroom pulling and twisting at her clothes. “It’s not really you, huh?”
Tara gave her the famous Maclay crooked smile. “I wish I could carry it off, but it’s just not me.”
“I don’t know,” said Dawn grinning. “I’m sure Willow will be drooling every time…” The teenager slapped a hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry…”
“Dawn it’s okay, you don’t have to watch everything to you say to me. I want things back as near to normal as possible,” Tara said softly, trying to put Dawn at ease.
Dawn looked at Tara her eyes shinning with hope. “You mean you’ll go back to Willow?”
Tara looked away in the face of so much hope. “M-maybe, we’ll just have to see how things go.”
The teenager nodded trying to ignore the hesitation in the blonde’s voice. “Whatcha gonna do now?”
“I think I’d better go and talk to everyone, see w-what the plans are,” said Tara walking towards the bedroom door.
****************************
Tara stepped nervously into Lorne’s sitting room and she blushed as all eyes turned to look at her. “Hey,” she said hesitantly.
“Hey,” said Buffy warmly, trying to put her friend at ease.
Everything went quiet for a few moments no one quite sure what to say.
“Do you want a seat?” Fred asked springing from her chair finding the silence unbearable.
“N-no thank you,” said Tara and then deciding she had to get it out. “It’s weird you know, I look around this room and…uhm there are people I barely know and people who are closer to me than my own relatives…”
“Tara…” said Willow.
The blonde raised her hand and looked at Willow. “P-people I love, but I’m standing in front of you all with nothing…I have nothing now, I have n-no identity, nowhere to live and no money. I feel like I am begging you all to look after me…and I h-hate it.” Tara had dropped her eyes wanting to get her feelings out, scared of what she might see and shutting herself off to what she could feel. Tara jumped as she felt a hand grip her shoulder. She turned to see Spike standing by her. He nodded encouragingly.
“You know you have a home with us, always,” said Buffy. “And don’t think it’s charity. You are family.
“Thank you,” said Tara touched by the slayer’s sincerity, but her eyes were still on Willow. “But is everyone sure they want me to…”
“By everyone, I take it you mean me,” said Willow slowly, not meeting Tara’s eyes, she didn’t want the blonde to be put under pressure by her to come home with them by the way she felt. “And of course I want you to, it’s your home and I…and we’ve all missed you.”
Spike decided to intervene as the atmosphere became loaded. “This is great but when are we going? ‘Cause I’d make it soon people, we don’t know if the lawyers from hell are going to come after Blondie here and if they do I’d rather face them on home turf.”
“Agreed,” said Buffy. “I say we get back tonight.”
“Tonight?” Asked Giles. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” said Buffy firmly. “Everyone needs to get home to their own beds. Anya can you do your thing to get out of here, so we have enough room in the car?”
“It’s okay,” said Tara. “If Spike doesn’t mind, I’ll go on the back of his bike.” She was scared of being in such a confined space with everyone.
Spike shrugged. “Sure.”
Tara hid her relief. “Lorne, can I talk with you for a second?”
“Sure, Sweetie,” said Lorne motioning for Tara to follow him into the bar. “Oh by the way I found out who…”
“I know, Warren,” said Tara and then seeing the demon’s surprise. “Spike told me.”
Lorne nodded. “Fine, so what can I do for you?”
“I want you to read my f-future, I…I f-feel so lost. I want to know if I’m doing the right thing. I promised my Mom, that I would never let anyone abuse me, the way Dad abused her, but you know the things Willow did to me…”
“Tara, before you died, you went back to her, didn’t you?” Asked Lorne.
“Yes,” admitted the blonde.
“You had forgiven her?” He persisted.
Tara nodded. “But…”
“No more buts, Tara, I’ll tell you what I can see and then you can decide,” said Lorne going to the machine and setting it up. “What do you want to sing?”
Tara looked at the book he gave her and pointed I think this would be appropriate; don’t you?”
Lorne smiled. “I suppose, lets hear you sing Sweetie.”
Willow was sitting in the living room as she heard the music start, she went to the door to listen and she watched Tara start to sing.
I'm coming, I’m coming home to you
I'm alive I'm a mess
I can't wait to get home to you
To get warm, warm and undressed
Tara kept her eyes shut as she sang.
There've been changes beyond my dreams
Everybody wants me to sing
There've been changes beyond my grasp
Things aren’t sinking in
Tara opened her eyes to see Willow watching her intently and she couldn’t help but start to sing to the redhead.
So keep me, keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
Nothing heals me like you do
Willow felt her heart pound; she wished Tara was really singing those words to her. The way the blonde was looking at her was making her shiver.
And when somebody knows you well
Well there's no comfort like that
And when somebody needs you
Well there's no drug Iike that
Tara wanted to go to Willow, wanted to hold her. Willow was looking at her with such open desire and love that it took all of her will power to stay on the stage and keep on singing.
So keep me, keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
Keep me keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
The blonde knew it was too soon to go to Willow, but she felt the words and meant them and a part of her wanted to live out exactly what she was singing.
And when I’m home, curled in your arms
And I'm safe again
I'll close my eyes and sleep, sleep
To the sound of London Rain
So keep me, keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
Keep me keep me
In your bed all day, all day
Nothing heals me like you do
Nothing heals me like you do
Willow went to walk towards the stage when Buffy walked in and grabbed her. “Have you got all your stuff together?”
“Apart from what’s left at the hotel,” said Willow as she watched Tara turn to Lorne and knew the moment had slipped from her.
Tara turned to Lorne expectantly. “Well?”
The demon looked at Willow and back to Tara. “Do you really need me to tell you where your future lies?”
TBC
The Glorious People Republic of Treacle Mine Road;
Truth, Justice, Freedom, Reasonably Priced Love and a Hard Boiled Egg
Edited by: Magrat70 at: 5/22/03 11:49:12 pm