Hey again guys.
I’m almost done with replies, I already emailed what I had to tinnakaren, so those will be up whenever.
Okay, thank you all for reading and stuff, and if I’m ever allowed back on i’ll see you all then.
I have an idea for a continuation of this, but if it actually get written it’ll be a long time in the future, and it will be set at least a couple of months from the end of CS, so it will be almost like a sequel (different title and stuff) but it will be under the same thread… unless this thread is in the archives by then, in which case it will actually be a sequel. I tried to put little hints in here about what it’ll be about, and I’m sorry if they’re awkward; I’m not all to great at thinking them up and smooth is not a word used when describing me.
Grimmy: I know you’ve been asking for a while what exactly Buffy said to Willow, for her to leave the date with Xander. I really meant to put that in here but I couldn’t really fit it… so I’ll just explain what I had in mind, sorry.
I thought that Buffy would say something about Tara needing to talk to her, and with Willow already mad at Xander because she knew he was using her and then he kissed her, Willow would probably be looking for an excuse to bail. So nothing really dramatic… sorry it’s not more concrete but I’m on a time limit.
You also asked what was part of the dream in 11a and what wasn’t. Everything after Tara says ‘later’ and before Willow pounds on her alarm clock is the dream, sorry that wasn’t more clear.
Also, Elizabeth, you were confused about the images in 11a. Sorry about that, and you did have the right image there, glad you liked it.
Before I put this up, I want to thank tinnakaren, because when she read that last post about the story taking time to get up she volunteered to post this update for me. I actually sent it to her but I kinda mighta deleted the email she sent me on accident, and then I had to guess… and while I think I got it right cuz it sent I’m not sure, so when my dad said I could post this so that I could stay off of the site for a while, as it will finish the story, I had to take it, cuz I’m still not sure if I even got the right address (hopefully I did because otherwise there will be some person out there wondering who spot is and then opening up the attachment, and getting a surprise there... we’ll see.
But anyway just wanted to thank her because otherwise this was gonna take a long time to get up.
Um I think that’s all I needed to say… except I know after I post I’m gonna remember something… but o well.
Oh hey, also, I have to change my answer to your question, bindingwiccan, cuz buffy might just meet faith in the sequel… not that I’m telling you that or anything.
Thanks again, hope you enjoy it!
-michelle
11b
Her arms don’t move from where they support her on either side of my head, her legs don’t disentangle themselves from they landed, intertwined with mine, when we fell. The welcome weight of her lithe frame is pressed fully onto me as her graceful fingers trace my cheek and my arms wrap around her.
I never thought this would happen, not in a million years.
Sure, I allowed myself daydreams, even hope for those few heart wrenching hours, but I never would have imagined it would be this easy, this natural. I never doubted that it would be for me, but I never thought that we could fall so easily into this whole new side of a relationship. I assumed that it would at least take some getting used to on her part, that the first few days would be awkward; wonderful, heavenly, and heart-breakingly beautiful, but clumsy and shy.
I was wrong.
The transition has been more than easy for me; the hardest part is remembering that I don’t have to hide what I feel- I can reach up to brush back that lone strand of red from her eyes, or lean over to lay my head on her shoulder, or let the shivers course through me when her breath and lips caress my ears while she whispers to me. To remember that I can start things; initiate another soft, thrilling kiss, lean in to hug her, be the one whispering tiny assurances to her… that has been the only hard part; that and the three words always lingering on my tongue and in my heart.
Her kisses, her touch, the tiny, soft smiles that so frequently pass mysteriously across her face when we are close, they convey a deep caring that passes so far beyond friendship and that I often have to check again to make sure that I am not dreaming it all. But even with the new, building connection between us, I can never be sure how deep her feelings run, how much and how fast she’d be comfortable with. Would she be scared away if I let out everything I am feeling, have felt for so long? Until I am sure, I don’t think I can build up the courage to bare myself yet again.
The realization of how similar my thought pattern is to that of five days ago comes across startlingly, making me question whether I am being smart or not in waiting to let those three precious words go. But as her hand brushes sensitive skin and her lips press just a tiny bit harder into mine, I let the complete bliss of soft contact wash over me, and put the struggle off for later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If you had told me a month ago that I’d be where I was right now, languidly kissing- okay, making out with- Tara in the same astonishing clearing where she had first kissed me five days ago, I would have said you were crazy. Then I would have walked away to sit in my room and tried to ignore the stirrings of feelings and thoughts I know were already forming within me.
If you had told me two weeks ago, I would have said you were crazy. Then I would have walked away to sit in my room and deeply analyze everything that was rising up and starting to show itself in me.
If you had told me five days ago, I would have called you crazy. Then I would have walked away to sit in my room and attempt to make some sense of the emotions I was being flooded with and cried for the hopelessness of it all.
I still don’t see how I could have been so clueless.
No, clueless isn’t the right word, because I wasn’t. There were plenty of clues there all along, I just couldn’t, or didn’t want to see them.
I was in denial even as my heart fluttered with innocent touches and my face lit up at just the sight of her, because I was too afraid to open myself up to something different, to let go of the security and convention that came with the normal and sure. I wasn’t able to bare myself to the truth if it meant letting in all of the chances for pain and question. That was it. I was mostly afraid of being hurt, so afraid that I put Tara through all of what I feared and almost lost her in the process.
I still don’t see how I could have been so ignorant.
I can’t believe I didn’t see that this… the simple feel of her in my arms, the discovery of what it’s like to be complete, knowing that if she asked me to, I could fly around the sun and back… even the chance of it is so easily worth any heartbreak or insecurity that comes with believing.
I’m not exactly sure what it is I’m feeling right now, but I know it goes way beyond simple attraction or hormones; I could swear that just breathing her in, just being physically and emotionally close to her, just to be felt and accepted by her is all that I could ever really need in life. I’m floating just being with her.
It’s all so new, and yet at the same time so familiar. It’s not something I’m used to or able to place; most things that have come into my life have come with straight lines and rigid definitions, a pre-defined meaning with only one interpretation, usually one that I can study and decipher in advance and set in rules of stone. But then again, Tara wasn’t like anything or anyone else in my life to begin with.
My conscience doesn’t battle with the morality of our connection; I know that we have been raised in a society where what we are feeling is sometimes considered wrong or unnatural, but I can’t understand that concept when nothing has ever made me feel so at peace as being in her arms. Religious prejudices and people’s biases cannot reach me when I am with her in the separate world created whenever we are joined.
Is what I’m feeling love? I don’t know, not yet. There’s something there, something that flows through me where we merge and stays with me in the form of warm tingles even after, something that whispers deeply to me and says it might be. But I don’t know, and it’s not something I dwell on. If it is… If it is then hopefully I’ll know, hopefully I can figure it out come the right time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I can feel her weight shift slowly from where she presses down into me, and her sleeve brushes against the arms I have wrapped around her neck as her hand reaches behind my head.
I hear a strange scraping sound in a tiny corner of my consciousness, and then her lips are pulled mercilessly away from mine, leaving me breathless and dizzy as a pile of snow explodes in a chilly cloud around my face.
“Payback!” She yells over her shoulder as she starts to move away and slips on the wet ground, grinning devilishly back at me.
My laughter rings through the air as I reach out to grab her jacket as she stands up to run away, pulling her back to me. I wrap my arm snugly around her waist, effectively trapping her against me, and hold up a handful of snow threateningly as I narrow my eyes.
She looks helplessly at me as I move my hand to right in front of her face, waving back and forth as I prepare to drop it into her hair… until her hand shoots up and hits mine, sending the snow flying in all directions around us, landing on me as well as her.
I chase after her, again, as she laughs and bends down to get more snow, turning on me and halting my rush about a foot short with a drawn back arm and eyes promising more flying powder in just a second. I react quickly, in the only way that comes to mind at that moment.
I can feel her mutter something against my lips, but despite her tiny resistance I can feel her arm dropping to her side, and when her fingers tangle in my hair, the fluffy snow they threatened me with seconds ago is absent.
My kisses grow bolder as she begins to react, turning from innocent to smoldering as her arm reaches up to gently urge me on, her mouth opening slightly to welcoming my questing tongue.
Her body melts into mine, all vengeful snowball tactics forgotten, and I can feel myself quickly getting lost in her until a loud crash from the trees on her right startles us both out of the heavenly embrace.
Buffy appears through the green leaves, grinning over at us as she trudges across a shallow snow drift, and I turn away from her with an exaggerated groan.
Buffy has developed an interesting trait within the past few days, some sort of best friend’s bad timing syndrome- I forgot the exact name Willow made up, but the symptoms have been made frustratingly hard to forget.
“Why is it that whenever I walk into a room, or, um, a clearing anymore, you two are all snuggled up and Tara’s looking at me like she’s going to kill me? Is there something I’m missing here?”
“If I said there was would you stop turning up in all those rooms and clearings? Maybe give those two very nice but extremely frustrated people thirty minutes alone for once? Pretty please?”
Willow pouts over at Buffy, pleading with wide green eyes while her fingers trace impatient, tingling paths across my palm.
“That depends. I mean, maybe I wouldn’t need to turn up in all these places if I knew what was going on. Could you explain it to me? Exactly?”
Buffy cocks her head triumphantly at Willow, expecting an embarrassed reaction, but instead my girlfriend turns back to me with a cheeky grin.
“I think we can manage that. Tara?”
I smirk at Buffy before leaning into gently cover Willow’s lips with my own, breathing in deeply as her hands cup my face. My arms fall easily around her waist as her mouth caresses mine eagerly and her head tilts to allow us to move even closer.
Buffy groans as I complete the lesson with animated sound effects, but perks up as Willow’s hand starts a tantalizingly slow journey up my ribcage.
“Hey, I remember that! You know, this looks exactly like yesterday when I caught you in one of the bathroom stalls, right before Willow-”
I break reluctantly away from the quickly escalating kiss to interrupt the blonde before she makes us relive that episode yet again.
“I’m ignoring you.” I yell before turning again to settle into Willow’s arms as she gazes at me.
“Aww, your nose is red.” Willow’s bottom lip immediately juts out at the sympathetic tone in my voice, and as she looks up at me through red lashes I could swear she was almost crying.
‘It’s cold.” Her bottom lip trembles slightly, and my heart melts.
“Aww, poor baby.” She sniffs dramatically, and I chuckle softly and lean in to tenderly kiss the end of her nose, resting our foreheads together as I pull back.
Her eyes open and sparkle adoringly at me, and I can almost feel the caring shining out of them, almost imagine that it is really love I am seeing in that look.
“All better.” She amends, the pout gone, and we just stand there, comfortable and close together, until an exaggerated sigh from Buffy breaks into our separate world, and she reluctantly steps out of the warmth to drag me along with her to school before we’re late again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The numbers in my Math Analysis book seem to blur and change in front of me, probably due to the way my eyes keep shifting, to the clock on the wall, counting the unbearably slow seconds until I see Tara again.
That and the way I keep conjuring new and old images of her; of before, sitting on her bed with her hair splaying softly through my fingers, her knees drawn up to her chest where she sits on the floor, a sign I never thought about, but a conflict she admitted having to me two days ago.
I think about more recently; Tara standing, shaking in the falling snow, pausing with her hand only millimeters from my face, the pain and anguish in her eyes tearing my own heart apart as tears trickle slowly down her face; Tara leaning in slowly to complete me for those few brief seconds, and Tara walking away slowly, winding through the trees with a broken heart; Tara waiting in confused silence by her window, conflict raging on her face as her mouth moves helplessly and her hands wring together nervously; Tara with sparkling tears of wonder trailing down her face and onto my hands cupping her cheeks, lips swollen and red from kissing and blonde hair tousled where my hands traced through the silken halo; Tara woken in the morning by soft kisses and cold feet as I crawl into her bed, eyes reaching deep sapphire depths that send shivers through me with the passion flaming in them; and Tara standing on my own doorstep, affection pouring freely from her eyes as she hands me a tiny, carefully wrapped box, and the feel of snow clinging to her warm hair as I embrace her fiercely, all fears of being seen melting away in the warm, lustrous feel of her lips as my hand wraps tightly around the locket held close to my heart.
I jump out of my seat as the bell brusquely startles me out of my thoughts, and before I am even off of my dazed autopilot, I am standing outside her trigonometry classroom, watching impatiently as the flow of students pass. As the last one disappears around the corner of the hall, and still she is no where in sight, I peek through the closing door, and smile softly as I step through.
Her hair spills out from behind her ears, shading her face as her brow furrows and she taps the end of her pencil idly on her desk. I walk slowly up behind her, kneeling on the chair of the desk by her back and laying my head on her shoulder as my arms wrap around her waist and I glance at the page she is studying.
She starts at my unexpected arrival but quickly relaxes back into my embrace as she tilts her head to look up at me.
“Hey.” I say softly, before looking back to the lesson in her book, but she closes the book slowly and turns slightly to face me. I whimper pathetically in mock protest, but she only grins and places a gentle kiss on my cheek before leaning over to place the book and math binder into her backpack.
“Study session in my room tonight, and you can study it all you want. In fact, I think you will be very tired of proofs after you get me to understand them. And I can promise hot chocolately goodness, with marshmallows.”
She grins at me and looks up from behind the golden screen of hair as I try to assume a pondering expression.
“Will there be Tara-y goodness?” I inquire impishly, raising an eyebrow.
She nods in confirmation, a sly smile spreading slowly across her face.
“Snuggling is not out of the question.”
“Good, definite snuggling because-”
A cough from the door stops me in mid sentence, and my arms immediately withdraw from around Tara’s waist as I sit up to face the man standing by the door, blushing furiously.
“Be, because, you know, it’s all cold and snowy outside and, hello! Cold is not good, because then you get all sick and sniffly and stuff, and sniffly is just not attractive- but who says we’re talking about attractive? Nope, not on the, the attraction, um, track right now, just, that, snuggling is warm, and soft, and- no, not soft, just warm, and then there’s no sick, and we don’t miss whatever class it is that you teach, and sorry because I don’t know but, I, um, I’m sure it’s very good, you know, all with the class-y goodness, and if you were sick then you wouldn’t-”
Tara’s hand falls comfortingly on my arm and I force my still moving mouth shut, looking first at her, and then stubbornly at the floor when I see that she is having trouble not laughing.
The man stands in the doorway in silence for a minute, then seems to shake himself out of it and walks towards the desk, removing his glasses and cleaning them as he briskly gathers a pile of papers and looks up at us.
His expression doesn’t change, but I think I detect a hint of amusement in his eyes and a tiny tilt at the tiny corner of his mouth.
“I see. Well, as long as that’s settled, I don’t believe there is any harm in studying.” There is a definite spark in his eye as he looks at us over thin wire rims and shuffles through the stack of papers.
“I am terribly sorry to, um, close the door like this, but I’m afraid the old professor left quite a bit of overdue work, and I have several tests to go through…”
He does seem almost apologetic as we assure him that we were already leaving, and although I still cannot bring myself to look him directly in the eye, and my face still burns slightly form my embarrassed babbling, I can’t help but notice the warm, almost fatherly air exuding from the slightly graying teacher as he half-smiles at us before returning his gaze to the pile of tests and Tara finishes loading up her backpack.
His voice stops us once more as we head towards the door, and I realize belatedly that my fingers have unconsciously tangled with Tara’s again.
“Oh, Tara, one last thing. Now, you are undeniably a very bright woman,” I can feel a smile creeping onto my own face, my pride in her swelling and my liking for this man increasing quickly at the compliment. “but, if you should ever need any help, do not be afraid to ask. I have been made aware of the previous professor’s,” He pauses, seemingly searching for the right phrasing before continuing, “lack of availability, and I do not wish to start here in that manner.”
Tara nods softly.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
He nods in reply and looks back to his desk as the door shuts behind us.
I lean into her once again as we walk through the now empty halls, sighing as I lay my head on her shoulder.
“Who was that? I don’t think I’ve seen him before.” I tilt my head slightly to look up at her face, but also can’t resist nuzzling her neck inquisitively, drawing an answering sigh out of her.
“That was Mr. Giles.” Her brow furrows. “He just started today. He was really helpful in class…” I can see wheels turning in her head as she thinks, and wait patiently for about five seconds before inquiring.
“What is it?”
She frowns slightly, tensing before shrugging her shoulders dismissively.
“I don’t know, it’s probably nothing… It’s just, he was transferred here all the way from England for a job opportunity. I mean, how important is a trigonometry spot in Cleveland anyway?”
The cold air assaults us as we move out through the high school doors, and I burrow even closer to her. For warmth, of course.
“I don’t know… maybe it was an, um, once in a lifetime opportunity?”
She turns to me with a smile still somewhat frayed by concentration.
“That was his exact phrasing when he-”
“Will!”
The familiar voice behind us makes her stop, a kind of quiet fear etching itself onto her face.
Xander runs up behind me, stopping barely short of resting his hand on my arm.
“Look, I know Buffy said that you don’t want to talk to me, but…”
He doesn’t seem to notice Tara’s arm through mine or the way my head rests on her shoulder as he starts what will apparently be a rather long speech, and not one I am ready to give him my attention for when Tara’s eyes are showing that kind of worry and her hand is shaking so badly.
I try to tell her with my eyes that it’s going to be alright, but contact is denied as her gaze drops to the ground.
I guess I can understand where she’s coming from, a little bit. How she survived that long without anything, any confirmation, or even hope that her feelings would be returned I don’t pretend to know, but I can tell from the way she looks at me, the feeling lingering behind every caress and every innocent contact that her feelings run deep, and I guess that can make people crazy sometimes.
Her body is pulled hesitatingly away from mine as she falters, looking between me and Xander with sad eyes.
“I, I sh-should go.” Her head starts to turn, but my hand catches her wrist and pulls her back to me.
I remember what I felt like right after she kissed me that first time, when I sat there, stunned, in the snow. There was confusion, there was wonder, there was shock, but behind it all was the lingering fear that it couldn’t be true; someone as amazing as Tara Maclay could never like me- geeky, awkward Willow Rosenburg- she could never feel for me like that.
It’s hard to imagine Tara feeling any of that, but I have been allowed to see all sides of her; I have seen loving Tara and broken Tara and scared Tara and happy Tara. But underneath it all, there is insecure Tara, a side of her that I guess must exist in everyone, lurking and pouncing, marring hopes and clinging to fear in that last, tiny corner of the heart.
I swore to myself that we would make it past insecurity with each other, that with caring and touching and kisses I could show her how special she really was and bring both of us past it. Together.
And I will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I can feel the tears threaten as I start to turn away, knowing already that I am being irrational, and that Willow is not going to abandon me, but not able to silence the last voices of doubt in my heart.
So she does it for me.
Her hand finds mine and pulls me back into open arms, her green eyes boring into mine and tuning out the rest of the world.
“Tara.”
Her voice is both pleading and reassuring, the last thing I am able to sense before her lips capture mine gently and her hand travels up my arm to squeeze my shoulder reassuringly.
I can hear one of us sigh softly as I instinctively respond, hands coming up to cup her face and pull her gently closer as her other arm finds my waist. My thumbs move gently along the contours of her cheeks, and I can feel her smile into the kiss as I shiver when she melts into me.
Her hand briefly tangles in my hair as I drink from the reassuring elixir of her embrace, feeling all of my self-doubt and fear fly away with the feeling communicated through our connection.
She pulls back and rests our foreheads together and our breathing mingles and my eyes stay contentedly closed, resting safely away from the world for that brief moment.
I know it’s silly, doubting what she feels for me, allowing idle fears to reach me like that, but at the same time, I can’t help it. Love does that to me.
But even though I can’t explain why it is that I wonder, she understands, and she is there to help me through. And that’s all that matters.
She leans in to place one last gentle kiss on my forehead before turning to Xander, never dropping my hand.
He, however, seems to be leaning more towards drooling than continuing with explanations, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I just realized exactly how many people are in the same area as us, I would laugh.
It seems that every single person there is either staring openly at us or doing everything possible to avoid so much as a subtle glance in our direction.
I move to hide my head on Willow’s shoulder, but stop short. I see no reason to be ashamed of the fact that I am in love with Willow, so I won’t stand here in front of everyone and pretend that I am.
Her voice rings out clearly across the grass filled courtyard, greatly increasing the number of people who avoid our gazes all together.
“Ya, I’m in love with this woman. If any of you people have a problem with that, then, um,” her face creases in puzzlement as she considers exactly what she would promise to the problem-seeking people. But everything else in the world seems to fade away as her voice rings clearly over and over again in my ears.
She’s in love with me. Tara. Willow is in love with me. I can feel my soul fly straight up out of me and feel my heart doing a pounding, ecstatic dance where it floats blissfully in my chest.
She has turned back to me, her face furrowing in concern at the obvious shock mirrored on my face.
“Tara? Tara what’s… Oh, god, Tara, I’m sorry, I should have asked, I really didn’t… I thought… you weren’t ready to come out… and then here I am all with the openness and the yelling… and I’m sorry and I won’t-”
“Will.” My eyes seek hers again, stopping her nervous babble as I break free of the wondrous shock enveloping me.
“Will, you’re in love with me?”
Her eyes jump back to mine, searching hopefully as she swallows hard.
“Um, yeah?” She looks down briefly before continuing. “I know that it might seem kinda fast, and, I’m sorry if it’s too fast, but I feel it, and it’s real. Whenever I’m with you, it’s like my whole world just lights up, and-”
I don’t know how many people are around us, and I don’t care as I feel the first tears slip down to my face and I bridge the gap between us, bringing my lips to hers in a completely elemental kiss, love flickering between us in a flaming devotion as I wrap my arms around her and pull her as close as possible.
My lips open softly and yet with scorching need against hers, my head pulling back between brushes of contact as blissful tears overwhelm me in sobs and I feel myself rising high on the giddiness of her love.
Her tongue meets mine and a spark is sent straight through my center, and I welcome her into me with a contented sigh and a gentle graze of contact.
I express all I can with the kiss, communicating with questing hands and gentle motion just how much I need her. But soon my heart aches with the need to tell her, to return the gift of entirety that she gave to me the minute her eyes told me that the words were true.
I pull back to hold her and gaze as deeply as I can into her unfocused eyes, gently stroking away the tears falling swiftly down her own face.
“I love you too Willow. Oh goddess, I love you too.”
TBC… hopefully…
)
Love sammi xx 
***hugs***
thingy: we've all been there.
I love how 
and 
seem to be thinking the same things. 
more. Update soon, please? 
