The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Coming Back - Final
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 8:54 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:03 pm
Posts: 22
Location: NJ
I took on the identification of anon when I began writing this story six years ago. I would just write a few paragraphs, maybe reread it and then send it out to the board. Despite desperate need for editing, the story was received with kind and supportive comments. During a pretty miserable time in the ‘real world’, the story was a welcome escape. It was meant to be a short story but it kept growing… it had a life of its own. And it grew and grew and grew and grew. Over a hundred pages of writing, with new characters and a storyline that completely ignores Tara’s death.

I am grateful that this story was in such need for a beta because it brought BethanyB3 into my life. A detail oriented beta who is now my partner, my love, my best friend. As we celebrate five years together, it is time to complete this story. We don’t believe in leaving anything hanging and unfinished. It’s the story that brought us together and it although it had been neglected for too long, it’s time to close it as we open other chapters in our lives. The original portion of “Coming Back” has been edited and the story has been continued. It’s no longer my story, it’s our story and so now we will begin posting this story as our way of thanking the creators and the moderators of this on-line community, a safe place on the net that brought us together.

Thank you… and we hope you enjoy…

anon & beth

Title: Coming Back

Takes place five years after Seeing Red without Tara’s death. Then it goes AU.

Disclaimer: Its all ME and Joss. We do not have any copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights belong with the production company, writers etc, etc. with the exception of the characters created specifically for this story.

Rating: PG-13
[hr]

[center]Coming Back[/center]

"Hey Buff, it's me. Could you give me call as soon as you get in? I will be home waiting for your call. It is really important." Dawn hung up the phone and began pacing back and forth. She looked at her watch again. 8:00 PM. That made it 5:00 PM back in Sunnydale. Buffy was going to have classes for the next four hours. So she was going to have plenty of time to figure out how to explain what she had discovered.

Four more hours to pace back and forth, how was she going to explain? She could just come straight out with her discovery. Or she could wait. She could just stress that Buffy needed to come as soon as possible. That would give her time to confirm things. It would be tough for Buffy to take time off from her classes. She was teaching self-defense classes and although her business was doing well, she only had one part time instructor to fill in for her. It would be stressful financially but it was important. For the first time in years, beyond the anger and regret, there was a trace of hope in her life. A chance that she and her family would finally get the answers that they needed before they could completely heal. Things had been wrong for so long.

Dawn had had a tough adolescence to say the least. She first found out that she was some mystical key. She still hadn't quite grasped that concept when her mother died suddenly. With in a week of her mother's death, Tara had her mind sucked by Glory. She was protecting Dawn. Then Willow used magic to get Tara back but Buffy died. Then Buffy was resurrected but she came back sad and depressed. Nothing ever turned out easily. There was always a "but" to follow good news in her life. When it seemed as if nothing else could happen, something did. Willow cast a spell on Tara and as result, they broke up. Things just got worse and worse. Tara moved out. The house lost the calm sense of stability that Tara had given. Xander walked out of his wedding to Anya. Tara and Willow finally were really getting back together and then one day, Tara also disappeared.

How could Tara just disappear? She had promised that no matter what happened between her and Willow, she would always be there for Dawn. And she kept that promise for four months and then she just disappeared. She and Willow were dating again and things were good. And then, she was gone. Dawn imagined that Tara would be amazed to see how her absence shook the family. Willow had searched every data place that she could find but she was never able to find her. She walked the streets. Buffy went on a demon rampage, threatened and tortured every vampire she could find but learned nothing about her missing friend. Anya passed out fliers at the Magic shop with every sale she made. She even put up a reward for any news on Tara. Giles checked with all his council contacts but found nothing.

Tara was gone without a trace. Eventually, they got permission to pack the belongings that had been left in her dorm room. They were stowed away under the stairs of the basement. Keeping the boxes, keeping her things just made Dawn feel as if there was a chance that she would come back. But come back from where?

The thing about life is that it just continues, even when you are hurting. And that is what happened with their lives. Buffy continued slaying and started teaching self-defense out of the Magic Box. Willow finished college. Xander got his contractors license and started working by himself doing small-scale home renovations. And Anya continued to work at the Magic Box. She actually developed other friendships and started dating. Dawn graduated from high school and spent a year at Sunnydale before she decided to transfer. She didn't care where she went as long as it was far from the Hellmouth. She thought Buffy would not want her to leave. Instead, she basically pushed her out the door. Buffy wanted to give her a chance to live peacefully and so she transferred to a small private college in Pennsylvania. It was so different from Sunnydale. The mountains and the lush hills were paradise. She was able to just start over.

Willow buried herself in her job. She worked as a computer consultant. It was a good job for her. She would be assigned a company that had a computer problem, bury herself in the problem, solve it and move on. She traveled all across the country and would stay anywhere from a couple of nights to six months. Sunnydale was her headquarters. She still had her room at the Summer's house. Her traveling allowed her to stay isolated. In the companies where she worked, she remained professional and distant. She did her job and left. She remained close to Buffy, Dawn, Xander and Anya but did not meet anyone new. Currently, she was working in Orlando.

Her family moved on but they never forgot that they were incomplete. And now, Dawn believed that she had found her. She had been attending the Gay/Bi-Lesbian Alliance Meetings on campus as a way to remember and honor Tara and Willow. She had witnessed the trouble that Willow went through trying to get Tara’s stuff from the University despite the fact that there was a lot of o evidence that they were partners. She had noticed the dirty looks and snide comments directed towards teh couple when they walked down the street holding hands. She had experienced the subtle discrimination for just being a part of this unique family. And as a way to recognize all they had done for her, she had pledge that she would always fight for the rights of the GLBT population, even if it meant that guys assumed she was not interested.

So she had been at the monthly meeting. The two women sitting beside here were talking about their weekends. Kathy was excitedly showing her friend pictures of the camping trip she and her new girlfriend had gone on. For Kathy, she was proud that her girlfriend was older and in graduate school. She kept mentioning the different things that people in the picture studied as if knowing them made her more intelligent. Dawn had never thought much of Kathy. She tended to think a little too highly of herself and she never stopped talking. So, she just tuned them out until a part of the conversation, one part piqued her interest.

"And this girl was cooking pancakes over the fire. When Amy and I got back, she asked us what kind of pancakes we wanted. I was like huh. And she explained that she could make round or funny shaped. I was like... well, I want boob shaped. And she made them. Then everyone else, even those who were full insisted on a boob shaped pancake. This is a picture of us all about to eat our boobs and this is the girl who cooked them, Terri. She was so swee... heh."

Without waiting for an invitation, Dawn leaned over and took the picture out of Kathy's hand. She couldn't believe her eyes. She was in shock. Looking directly at her was Tara. Same shy half smile, same beautiful blue eyes. TARA! That was Tara, hunched over a fire, looking at the camera, caught like a deer in the headlights. TARA! That was definitely Tara holding a plate of boob shaped pancakes.

"Tara" Dawn screamed, waving at the picture. "That is Tara! Where is she?"

The two women looked at her oddly. Dawn was shaking with excitement. To those in the circle, she almost looked possessed. They had never seen her react this way.

"Uh, no that is Terri. She is Betsy's sister." The owner of the pictures answered.

"Where is Betsy? Where does she live? Where can I find her? That is Tara." Dawn was trying to fight the urge to shake the information from this woman. "Who is Betsy?"

"Dawn, you have got to calm down. Who do you think this person is? An ex-girlfriend." asked Kathy's friend.

"Ew, no, she- she- she's a dear friend. She was there when my mother died and when my sister di- disappeared. She helped raise me. That is Tara. I need to see Tara. She used to make me funny shaped pancakes. She used to take care of me and then she disappeared. Please tell me how I can find her!"

"Let me call Amy and see what she thinks. Dawn, I am not making any promises. I do not want to be stalking these people. After all, they are in graduate school,” reprimanded Kathy as she took out her phone and began to dial.

Kathy was surprised at Amy's reaction. Amy quickly called Betsy's and talked to her girlfriend, Julie. With in five minutes, Kathy was handing over her phone to Dawn to talk to Julie. The conversation was brief. "Are you sure you know her? Where? When? Can you meet me in three hours? Good, see you then."

[hr]

Dawn picked up the phone on the first ring. Buffy was finally calling back.

"Hey brat, where's the fire?" Buffy asked affectionately as she set her stuff down and began to wander around the kitchen.

"Uh, Buffy, I need you to come out here as soon as you can. It is urgent."

"Dawn, what's going on." The slayer's voice was full of concern. Her sister was tough. She rarely called for help. They worked together as a team now. Her sister was not one to panic.

"If I didn't tell you, would that get you here faster?" Dawn asked.

There was a growl of frustration on the other end of the phone and the response to her question was. "Probably, but it would also put a hell of a lot of strain on this heart. Please tell me what is going on."

"Buffy, are you sitting down because this is big."

"Dawn!"

"Okay, I was at the Gay/ Lesbian advocacy mee…”

"Dawn, you know that I just want you to be happy - gay, straight, bi, demon-loving - I have seen it all and what matters to me is that you are safe and happy."

"No, let me finish, I was at the meeting and one of the girls was passing out pictures of her weekend." Dawn could hear Buffy eagerness to get to the point. "And one of the pictures was of Tara."

There was silence over the line. Dawn could hear a chair pulled out and the creak of Buffy's weight meeting the chair. She held her breath as she waited for her sister’s response. There was more she had to tell but she had to let her news sink in. So, she silently waited for her sister to respond. It finally came out as a whisper, "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well, did she look happy?" Dawn was thrown by that question. She never considered Tara's happiness. All she thought about was seeing her again.

"Um, well, no. She looks older and tired. Her hair was shorter. I think she even had a tan which is weird since she was the goddess of the sun screen." Dawn silently chided herself for babbling. "Buffy, she is here on the East Coast."

"Well, it's good to know she is alive but why do you want me to come out there?"

"To see her of course! She needs to see her family. Remember, we are her family."

"Dawn, she left us." That response from Buffy threw Dawn. She expected Buffy on the first plane out east to get her friend.

"Buffy there is so much more." Dawn began to plead.

"No, I do not need to hear more. It is good to know that she is alive but if she wanted to see us, she would have called. We haven't moved. Our phone number hasn't changed. We always thought something happened to her but now we know, she left. She just left. She didn't care about the hole she left. She didn't care about how worried we were. She didn't care about anything. She's alive and that is good but now all I can feel is anger. Dawn, she left us."

At that moment, Dawn saw here sister in a different light. For the first time, she realized how fragile her sister was. For the first time she realized how much this woman cared. She was able to deal with vampires and demons; they didn't hurt her as much as people. The news that she had just given Buffy added up to one more person who she felt abandoned by. But that was not the truth and Dawn began to tell her the rest. "Um, Buffy, there is more. You see, she goes by the name Terri. She goes by the name Terri because she does not remember her real name. She doesn't know who she is. Buffy, she is still lost."

"Oh, um, Dawn give me a couple of days and I will be out there. We won't tell Willow until we know more. For now, please tell me what you know."

[hr]

"You told her what? You told her about Terri. What if she is who Terri was running away from? What if she is one of the people who hurt Terri? How could you tell her about us, about Terri, How could you betray her?"

"Betsy, she is not an abuser. She is not a scary person. She is a college student. She is just 21. She knew Terri when she was in high school. She knew her as Tara, her sister's best friend's girlfriend. She lived with her for about six months. She told me how Tara used to make her funny shaped pancakes in the morning and insist that she eat healthy. She told me how when she first met Tara, she was so shy and that she stuttered badly. She remembered her telling these off the wall jokes that only her girlfriend understood. I only heard love and admiration and pain and hope from Dawn."

Julie watched her girl friend pace around the kitchen. It was late; she had waited up for her girlfriend to come home from the hospital. She had dinner with Terri earlier, laughed and tried to act normal. She didn't say anything about her trip to Pennsylvania that afternoon. After dinner, she called about couple of people trying to track down the notes from the afternoon class she missed. She tried to keep busy until her love came home.

While she waited for Betsy's long day at the hospital to end, Julie kept checking the web page that Dawn had given her. There was a picture of Tara McClay, the woman she knew as Terri. Dawn explained that Willow had set it up in hopes that someone would see it. It was a montage of pictures of Tara with a red head. That must be Willow. There were pictures where Tara was looking at Willow with love and there was one picture where she was looking at Willow with lust. That was odd, in the four years that she had known Terri, she had never seen her that overtly sexual. There were other pictures of Tara with Dawn and a blond haired woman. Some of the pictures were serious and some were silly. There were other pictures with a man and a woman. There was one with her and a cat. There were at least twenty pictures linked to this page. Julie saw a smile on this woman's face that she had only rarely seen on Terri. She kept looking at these pictures and she could not help but feel that she only knew a ghost of this woman who had been a part of her life for the past four years. After hearing about Tara from Dawn and looking at this web page, she was convinced that Tara McClay was Terri. Now she had to convince Betsy.

That was going to be the hard part because Terri had become so significant in her lover's life. Betsy had met Terri while she was in her third year of medical school at the University of Arizona. She was doing her psychiatric rotation at the hospital. Terri was the easiest patient on the wing. She had been suffering from amnesia that they believed to be a result of traumatic stress disorder. Initially, she had been brought into the hospital after being the passenger in a car near fatal accident. The unidentified driver had died and she did not remember how she had gotten into the car or who the driver was. She remembered nothing and she had no identification. She was registered as a Jane Doe.

Over the next six months, the staff began to call her Terri because one of the few memories she had was of a woman comforting her and calling her "Tarebear" and telling her that there was no reason to be afraid. But there must have been something to be afraid of because her body still bore the signs of scars that often signify child abuse. She always seemed to be on edge. She jumped when she heard shouting; she tended to back into corners when she thought someone was being aggressive towards her. She showed all the signs of someone who had been abused and the doctors believed that the memories were locked away in her mind.

They didn't really have any other hints to who she was. They suspected that she had studied computers, not because she remembered them but because one time, they found her hugging a laptop, rocking her self back and forth seeking comfort. She loved horses and when she was taken out of the hospital, the barn and paddock was the only place where they saw her stand up straight.

When Betsy met Terri, she was still coping with the death of her younger sister, Carrie who had died of leukemia. She was not really interested in this psychiatric rotation; she was looking forward to eventually getting into oncology. She was not looking to connect with any of the patients. Her goal was to get through school, move back to Maryland and start her residency. She didn't expect to be so drawn to Terri. It wasn't so much that Terri reminded her of Carrie but that she was able to cope with what ever pain she was experiencing. She was able to do what Betsy couldn't. She was able to put it behind her, even if she did this by forgetting it.

The hospital staff loved Terri but they didn't know what to do with her. She was able to take care of herself and she didn't belong in the hospital. They had discussed sending her to a residential living facility but it seemed unnecessary. What Terri needed was a place to stay as she slowly rebuilt her life. Betsy was shocked to hear herself offer to allow Terri to stay with her but it felt right. It felt like the first positive thing she had done since Carrie had died. It felt like it was the first time she was thinking of someone else since Carrie's death.

At first, Terri continued to work as an outpatient at the hospital. They helped her establish an identity. Terri Stevens was born. Stevens was one of the names that struck her as familiar. It took some legal work but she eventually got a social security number and was able to get a job. Her first job was in the mailroom of the hospital. Everyone knew that she was way over qualified for this job but they didn't know what skills she had. She was still painfully shy. The less people she came into contact with, the easier it was for her. She was able to lose her self in the mailroom. When a year had passed and Betsy graduated from school, Terri moved with Betsy to Maryland. Julie was already there, having started her PhD in counseling the year before.

In the four short years, Terri became a sister to both Julie and Betsy. She slowly started to relax around them. Her natural role of caretaker began to assert itself. She kept the house going for her two overworked roommates. They depended on her to listen with love and without judgment. She moved from being a needy lost young woman to a confidant and trusted partner in the house. And now, Julie had to tell Betsy that the woman who had become a part of their family had another family looking for her.

"Look at this picture. Look at that smile. That is Tara McClay. Look at her." Julie said as she shoved her laptop across the table after Betsy finally stopped pacing and sat down. "It's not Terri, it is Tara; a woman with a family on the other side of the country, a woman who has a lover who continues to support this site, even after five years. Our Terri hasn't looked at a woman in five years like she is looking at the redhead. Our Terri hasn't laughed like she is laughing in this picture. Our Terri continues to live half a life. Here is the other half."

Silence fell over the room. Julie watched her beloved slump over the computer, she wanted to walk around the table and wrap her arms around her but she didn't know if it was her right. After all, she was the one who was insisting on this bad news. She was the one who was insisting that they not ignore this revelation. She was the one following up on it. She was the one who introduced Betsy to this painful truth. So she sat and studied her lover, waiting for a sign of what she was supposed to do. She just waited.

"What do we do now?" This whispered question shattered the silence.


Last edited by anon-bethany on Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:53 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:04 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:03 pm
Posts: 22
Location: NJ
It was 5:45 p.m. when Buffy's plane finally landed at Dulles Airport. It was 6:45 before Dawn and Buffy finally inched onto 495 headed toward Rockville. They were on their way to meet Betsy and Julie. Dawn had thought that they could reach the restaurant in Rockville by 7:00. She and Julie had agreed that it was a good place to initially meet. Now it looked as if they would be lucky to make it to the restaurant by 7:30. Dawn was experiencing so many different emotions. She was anxious about driving her roommate's car in the rain and traffic. She was relieved to have Buffy with her. She was excited about getting closer to seeing Tara and she was afraid doing that would hurt or scare Tara.

Buffy was full of nervous energy. It was odd to have her little sister guide her around and be the expert of the area. She felt extremely out of place and far from home. She had spent the past day and a half finding substitute teachers for her classes. She had to arrange with her neighbor to take care of Miss Kitty. She had to convince Xander and Anya to patrol together. The vamp count had been low but she still needed someone to keep an eye on things while she was gone. She had done some extra slaying before she left. She hit two small nests hoping that would keep things calm while she was away. She had barely slept in the last two days. But as tired as she was, she could not just relax.

Buffy had learned to expect the worse. She sat in the passenger seat struggling with the feeling of being out of control. To break her train of thought, she broke the silence. "I talked to Willow last night. She is jealous of this spontaneous visit and wants to meet us here this weekend. She thinks she can wrap things up in Orlando by Saturday morning. I didn't know what to tell her. I wasn't sure if she should even come here. Dawn, what the hell are we going to do?"

"I don't know. Hopefully by this weekend, we will have a better idea of what to do. Buff, what if she doesn't remember us? What if she does remember us and has been hiding from us? What if she hates us..."

"I don't know and I’m scared too. My stomach has been doing flips since you told me about the picture. It was so hard not to tell Will. I felt like I was lying to her but what could I say. She has been through so much. We need to make sure of everything first. I can not see her hurt again."

"Wouldn't it be great though. Maybe she will remember us and want to come home. Maybe she has been waiting for us to find her."

"We can only hope. We can only hope. " But Buffy knew that things for them never work out that way. People usually ended up leaving her. She felt her spirits begin to sink. Rather than allow herself to get lost in negative thoughts, Buffy searched for more conversation topics. "So, um, do they have many vampires here?"

"Well there are not many where I am but Buffy, I am sure that there are plenty here. After all, we are in the nation’s capital. Think of all the politicians. Remember the mayor. I bet senators are much worse."

"Yeah, I bet they are pretty scary. So do you carry your holy water squirt gun with you?" And the conversation for the rest of the trip to the restaurant covered Dawn's need to be safe, her study habits and her life at college.

When they reached the restaurant 45 minutes late, Dawn and Julie greeted each other as if they were the long lost friends. They hugged each other warmly. Buffy and Betsy stood back and suspiciously watched each other. They stiffly shook hands when they were introduced and the first Terri/Tara summit began.

"So, how was your flight?" Julie asked politely. "Were you able to find this restaurant okay?"

"The flight was fine." Buffy stated.

Seeing her sister's stiffness, Dawn tried to cover for her sister. "Everything was fine until we got on the road out of Dulles. I was surprised that the traffic was still so heavy after 6:00 PM. I really thought we were going to drive against it but I was wrong. I’m sorry we kept you to waiting so long."

Seeing that her girlfriend and Dawn's sister were scowling at each other and barely listening to the conversation, Julie continued the conversation. "Don't worry about it, Betsy and I hardly every get a chance to just sit in a restaurant and talk, so we took advantage of this time. It was actually a nice treat."

"Yeah, I guess your schedules are pretty hectic. Buffy, did you know that Betsy is a Doctor and Julie is studying for her PhD in Psychology. Hey Jul, have you ever heard of Professor Maggie Walsh's work in your studies. Buffy took her at UC Sunnydale?"

Buffy shook her head as if she heard what her sister said and Julie shrugged her shoulders and answered, "Nope. What was her specialty?"

"Abnormal Psychology," answered Buffy without breaking her stare battle with Betsy.

Fed up with the behavior of her girlfriend and Buffy, Julie sighed and said, "Okay, I figure we can just cut Terri in half and we do not even need to talk and try to settle things."

"What?"

"Julie!" Betsy finally broke her stare to look at her girlfriend in shock.

"Well, now that we have you attention, would you two stop this macho stare contest? Could we please talk about what is going on? We have only been here for five minutes and I have come to two conclusions. One, you two are both looking at the other person like she is a threat and two, you are doing this because you each love and care about Ter. And yes; that is what we are going to call her during this conversation. So please tell us everything you know and we will do the same."

"Thank you Julie, since my sister has left her manners in California, I want to again apologize for being late. And I want to thank you for caring for and loving one of the dearest people I know. Now, what can we tell you about Tar?"

"How is she?" It killed Buffy to have to ask these two strangers how someone she had considered family was. It shamed her that she had not taken better care of her dear friend.

Over the next hour, much was revealed about the woman they all loved. Julie and Betsy learned about how Tara met Willow at the campus Wicca group. Buffy and Dawn learned that in addition to working as an assistant stable manager, Tara had part-time job at a whole food store and was thinking of going to school for holistic healing. Julie and Betsy learned how Tara came to live in the Summers’ house. Buffy and Dawn learned about how Tara started to live with Julie and Betsy.

In the midst of a conversation lull, Julie asked her first question of the evening. "Who abused Tara?"

Buffy and Dawn looked at each other sadly, not really sure of the full answer. Finally, Buffy tried to explain. "She never talked of abuse but I believe her father and brother were responsible. They had definitely abused her mentally. I don't know if it began before or after her mother's death. She died when Tara was 17. We didn't meet Tara until she was 19. We met her father and brother. They were asses."

"She acted as if she was abused when she was in the hospital. She sat in the corner, always in the corner. She talked about demons and monsters. Sometimes she would just hold her head and rock back and forth. She was afraid of her own shadow. Nothing would comfort her when she would start to cry. She would cry for hours, silently, never making any noise."

"Tara never made a lot of noise. She was always quiet. Even when she was angry, she was quiet I used to suspect that she wore chunky shoes and combat boots just so that she would make some noise. I never saw her cry either. I saw her eyes filled with tears, but cry, weep... no, never. Dawn, did you ever see her cry?"

"No, I never saw her cry. I rarely even heard her raise her voice. Please, tell me more about Tara. I miss her so much." Dawn turned to face Betsy as she pleaded her case. She wanted this woman to understand how important Tara was to her.

It was this girl, a year or two younger than her sister that finally broke through the shell that Betsy had built up for this meeting. It was Dawn's sincere feelings that finally made Betsy realize that she could not keep Terri to herself. These people were not here to hurt her friend. They were here to help. They needed to find their friend as badly as she & Julie needed to protect her. And now they were going to have to find a way to do both, together.

"Okay, how are we going to introduce you all to Terri? How are we going to explain this all to her?"

For the next hour, the four women sat around the table making plans. They argued about what was best for her. Whether they should first meet Terri and see if she remembered them or if the should prepare Terri for the meeting. Finally, they agreed that Julie and Betsy would tell Terri about Dawn and Buffy. Then they would arrange a meeting. It was going to depend on how Terri responded.
_________________________

"Would you just pick one or two shows to watch? You are driving me crazy with the constant switching!" whined Julie as she impatiently sat beside her girlfriend waiting for Terri to get home.

"The way I watched television never bothered you before."

"Yeah, I never had to sit and wait for my best friend to come home so I could tell her that her family is here to take her home either." Julie quickly stood up, crossed the room, pulled back the curtain and looked to see if Terri's car had pulled into the driveway. She let out a frustrated breath, whipped around to face her girlfriend and put her hands on her hips. "What are we doing? What if she doesn't want to know the truth? What if she doesn't want to remember? She seems happy, doesn't she?"

Betsy pushed herself up from her lounging position on the couch and went over to her girlfriend. She placed her hands on Julie's shoulders and looked her girlfriend in the eyes. "Juls, I know you are just nervous and that is why we are doing the whole role reversal. I know it's my turn to explain why we are doing this and justify why this is the right thing but I am just not as good at explaining it as you. You were the one who convinced me that we had to tell her. We have to. She deserves to know who she is. We know that her friends had nothing to do with her losing her memory. She has a family and she deserves to know them. This is killing me. My heart is breaking already. Damn, I feel as if we are caught in that television movie with that girl who discovers that she was kidnapped and her parents aren't really her parents. You remember, that milk carton movie."

"Yeah but this isn't a movie of the week, it's our family."

"I know and Terri is not just a one dimensional character. She doesn't belong to us. We have to tell her, it’s going to be okay. We are here for her. Okay?"

Before Julie could answer, the back door opened and abruptly slammed. They heard keys tossed on the counter, and some unidentifiable noise in the kitchen. Then the basement door opened and slammed. They saw Terri coming down the hall, trying to avoid the downstairs’ windows. She was dressed in a t-shirt and her underwear. She froze when she saw the unexpected sight of her roommates standing in living room, appearing to have been caught in a private moment. They both looked at her with puzzled expressions on their faces. Before they could even open their mouths, Terri held up her hand, shook her head and said, "You just do not want to know about my day. You do not even want to imagine what I fell in. Avoid the basement until I can do some laundry tomorrow. I am going upstairs to take a long bath and then I am going crawl into bed and forget about this day!"

Betsy and Julie looked at each other with panic-stricken faces. "No Terri, you can't go to bed. We need to talk to you."

"I'm sorry but it’s been a horrible day, can't we talk tomorrow?"

Julie looked at Betsy and shrugged. With her facial expression, she suggested that they wait until the next day. Her girlfriend was not going to put off the conversation. When Betsy made up her mind to do something, she did it. There would be no peace in the house until she told Terri the news that frightened her so much. With a stern, urgent voice, one that might be used when talking to a child, Betsy stated, "No, I’m sorry but it can’t wait. We must talk to you tonight."

Julie was surprised by how pale this statement made Terri. It reminded her how fragile her friend's confidence was. She tried to soothe the frightened look that Terri wore. "Sweetie, it is fine. We do have to talk to you about something we found but it has waited this long. It can wait until you have had a nice long shower. I'll make us some tea and we can sit down and talk. Okay?"

"Um, okay, sssssssure." As Terri stuttered through a response, her roommates shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. The fact that this interaction had frightened their friend was evident in her hunched shoulders and hesitancy to leave. She slowly climbed the steps.

Julie waited for a couple of minutes for the shower to start and then she turned back to her girlfriend with a scowl. "Damn, could you have been more demanding? Why does everything have to be on your schedule, your plan? To hell with the other person's state of mind! Is that how you break the ice when you deliver bad news to patients? That is some bedside manner!"

Betsy stared at her girlfriend in shock. Her mouth opened and shut a couple of times. She felt as if she had been kicked in the stomach. Sure, she could be overly focused and task oriented but she never wanted to be described as cold. Her sister's doctor had been so cold, clinical and controlling when he gave the results. She never wanted to be like that. Julie knew that being like that doctor was a fear of hers. Maybe her tone with Tara was too intense but she knew that her girlfriend was a procrastinator and tried to delay the more difficult tasks of life. Julie hated conflict and would do just about anything to avoid it. She was naturally a peacemaker. She was anxious about the conversation that they were going to have and that caused her to lash out. Betsy knew that this was the case but still, she was really hurt by her girlfriend’s comments. She had just been herself. Exhausted, Betsy flopped back down on the couch and picked up the remote control.

Julie turned on her heel and headed towards the kitchen to make tea. She was completely in the wrong. It was so typical of her to try to delay the conversation. As soon as she saw an escape from an unpleasant situation, she headed for it. That was what she was ready to do with the conversation with Terri. And because she had tried to avoid the conversation, Betsy had been put in the position where she had to insist on it. She and partner each had their strengths. Betsy had drive, discipline and intelligence and she had tact and sensitivity. That was why they were so good for each other. So, as a result of her actions, not only was she scared but she was also feeling guilty.

Upstairs, Terri stood under the shower trying to wash the day off. It had been such a bad day and it felt so good to get home. Well it had felt good until she got through the kitchen, now she just felt scared. Something was going on with Betsy and Julie. They seemed close enough when she saw them in the living room but then Betsy insisted that the three of them talk. Now the entire house suddenly felt weighed down by tension.

As she showered, Terri began wondering about what was so urgent that they had to talk that night. Did she do anything that would make them mad? She reviewed the last couple of weeks but could not think of anything. Maybe they had decided that they wanted to live alone. What if they were moving? The idea of losing the only family that she had was the most frightening thing she could imagine. What would she do? Could she be alone?

At that moment, standing under a steaming hot shower, Terri realized how little she had added to her life since she woke up in the hospital. Sure, she had a pseudo identity, a name that never quite fit her, a home that wasn't really her home, and a family that wasn't really her family. She had no doubt that Julie and Betsy loved her. They showed it to her in so many ways but they had their own lives. They had no responsibility to her. She didn't want to be a burden on them. She had two jobs that over used her and under paid her. She had friends but they were people she knew through Julie and Betsy. She had never dated. There had been guys at work who asked her out. There had been women who hinted at going out but she was never interested. She wondered if she had lost the ability to be intimate with someone when she suffered her head injury. She often wondered after the accident, what she had lost. Who had she been?

Terri was constantly learning new things about herself. She became aware of that she was abnormally perceptive. She could sense other people’s feelings by just focusing on them. Sometimes, she would walk into a room and without even looking at someone; she could sense the other person's emotions. At first, she thought this was normal but soon, she became aware that her empathy was unique. She wondered if she had always been extra sensitive or was it because she was learning everything again and she just didn't take peoples emotions for granted. Tonight, her instincts were shouting at her as she stood under the shower. She knew that the conversation she was about to have with Julie and Betsy was going to change her life. And she knew that she could not put it off any longer. She got out of the shower and began to dry off.

Usually, she was very deliberate in her bedtime rituals. Usually she would take time to put on lotion and moisturizer. Usually she would take her time in the steamy air just enjoying the end of the day. Tonight, she rushed. Tonight, she put on sweats and a t-shirt rather than her satin pajama top. It was going to be a long night. She wanted to go straight to her room and crawl into her bed but she knew she couldn't. She stood up straight, squared her shoulders and headed down the stairs.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:34 pm 
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Great Story so far, I hope you update it soon. Looking forward to more. and congrats on the 5 years thing.

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:35 pm 
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"They promised to call us after they talked to her. So, that should be any minute now. If she is willing, we are going to meet with her tomorrow. She has the day off and Dawn does not have any Friday classes so we are going to meet around lunch."

"Great and you will call me. Maybe you can just keep the cell phone on all day. Then I could talk to her and be a part of the conversation. If she remembers anyone, it would me. After all, I was her best non-orgasm giving friend. We were in the psycho pep squad together. She is still my maid of honor even though the wedding never went through. I have rights. I should have been told. I would have closed the shop. You know how important she was, I mean IS to me. She was the only one who would sit and listen to me talk about money and how angry I was at that person who's name I don't like to say but am still going out to patrol with in an hour. She was the one who listened to my dreams of starting chain stores. She even..."

Anya talked on but Buffy held the phone away from her ear and rolled her eyes at her sister. She had known that she was going to get an earful but she had expected Anya to be upset over the prospect of closing of the self-defense studio for at least a week if she couldn’t get her substitute teachers to continue. Anya was the only one who could inform her students and she knew that would be a hassle. But, the extra work and the loss of income was not the issue that had upset her business partner; Anya was upset to be left out of the loop. Buffy put her ear back to the phone in time to hear Anya say, "... After all, I didn't erase her memory two times. I didn't turn my back on our relationship so that I could do black magic. Even when I was reconsidering my career as a vengeance demon, I kept talking to Tara. Why does Willow get involved but..."

"Enough!" Buffy sharply spoke into the phone. She knew that once Anya started on her Willow tirade, she might never stop. "We have to tell Willow. She has been miserable for the last five years. Sure, we have missed Tara terribly but we have gone on with our lives. You have the shop and Dave, Dawn has school and the hopes of possibly someday having a normal relationship, and I have the school and .... um... the school which has been really successful. Willow has been buried in work for the last five years. The only thing Willow has done since Tara disappeared has been to subsist. For the last five years, she has been like how I was when you guys first resurrected me. There has been no joy for her. She sticks around out of responsibility but she is only half there. Maybe now she has another chance. You know that she deserves it."

The other end of the line was silent for a moment; Buffy could only hear Anya breath. "Your right. It would be good to have them back together. It would be good to have us all back together. I don't just miss Tara, I miss Willow, even when she is in the same room. So, what's the plan?"

"As I said before, Julie and Betsy should be telling her about us right now. If she takes it okay, we are going to meet Julie and Tara for lunch tomorrow. Betsy, the doctor, has to work. We gave them some pictures to show Tara. We had different ones of all of us. Julie wanted Tara to have some time to adjust to the news. She said that it was possible but not likely that Tara will remember things right away."

"I should be there to test for witchcraft. Maybe she is under a spell and that is why she can not remember anything." Anya's mind was turning as she was thinking of the different ways that Tara could have lost her memory. She had felt guilty for having avoided everyone after the wedding. Maybe if she had spent more time with Tara, she would have been able to protect her better. "Buffy, I could still fly out there."

"Anya, I appreciate the offer but can we just wait to see what happens tonight and tomorrow. I promise to call you and let you know how things go. We are going to have our hands full with Willow. I just don't know how she will react when we give her the news.

"All right, I will wait but I am not happy about it. Do you want me to tell Xander what is happening? He should be here in about an hour so we can go patrol."

"Yes please. I was going to call him after I talked to you but if you can tell him that would make things easier. Tell him he can call with any questions that he might have. Thanks for taking care of everything at home."

"No problem. I am glad I can help. Good luck Buffy. Give Dawn a hug for me and when you see Tara, please tell her that I love and miss her very much. I need to calm down. I guess I will go count my money." And with that, the ex-demon hung up the phone.

Buffy turned from the phone and faced her sister. "That was probably the most normal conversation I have ever had with Anya. She didn't mention evisceration once. I believe our ex-demon is really getting good with this human stuff."

"Well, its only been almost nine years. We probably should have a big party for her when she celebrates her 10th year." Dawn's smile began to fade as she thought of less pleasant anniversaries that occurred during the late winter and spring. "Buffy, it has been five years since we saw Tara. Do you think we will be blessed enough to get our friend back?"

Buffy sat down on the bed next to her little sister and began to play with her hair. "I do believe we will get her. This time, we are not resurrecting the dead. This time, we are not trying to alter the forces of nature or fate. This time, we are going to see a friend who has been lost. People get lost."

"What if she still doesn't remember us? What if we bring back only the bad memories, the memories of her being attacked by Glory and hurt by Willow? What if she looks at us and says, ‘I don't want to know who you people are?’"

"I’ve considered all those possibilities and you know what, little sister? If she remembers, then that means she will remember us. We helped her face her fears before and we can do it again. And if she doesn't remember us, that doesn’t mean she has changed. You heard all the things Julie and Betsy said. Terri is still basically Tara. We didn’t love her for her memories. We loved her because she was family to us. She took care and loved us. And we took care and loved her. Whether she needs us or not, she needs to know us. Okay?"

"Yes, but you realize you are going to have to give that speech to me about twenty times tomorrow."

"Well, remember it because you may have to give it to me also."

"That's a deal."


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:41 pm 
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Ok, so your story before the story is amazingly cute! You meet because of this story and now you are finishing it together, I did one of those silly little sighs when I read that.
I am really excited about what you guys will do with this story. From what you said it sounds like it will be epic with over a hundred pages. I love long stories so bring on the Odyssey! The new supporting characters seem interesting and add a new dynamic. Dawn is really cute so far, attending meetings to show support, I wanted to hug her.
The point of views are cleverly done so that we the readers have not had any interactions with the main characters and yet we know what they have been doing and their basic state of mind. I was surprised that the First seems none existent, is that because he never even existed in this AU or is it for some other reason? Evil seems to be taking a coffee break.
Sorry about the short feedback, I have to finish a report, coincidently about Vampires.
SF

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:45 am 
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:party omg I waited along time to see this story finished now it will be! woo and hoo


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:59 am 
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I haven't gone back to read this yet but I remember it very well and very fondly from it's first posting. I believe that I PM'ed with Bethany at some point and she told me that you were together, to which I say a hearty congratulations! Thanks for Coming Back with the intention of finishing this.

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 8:31 am 
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Woah. Anon, welcome back! :wave

I remember reading this one from the first post back in 2002. In fact, this was one of the first fics I looked for upon my own return to the kittenboard earlier this year. Seeing this fic resurrected makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and I can't wait to see what you have in store for us.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:51 am 
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HI, I've just read the story and I'm really liking it. :party I'm really interested to see where this goes, so please update soon :pray

musicmad10

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:57 am 
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Hi.

Can you tell me, is there a story before this one that I'm supposed to read, or are you starting your previously unfinished work at the beginning here and continuing on?

K to the J


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 3:43 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe

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I cannot believe this!!!! You are back! I could weep with joy. I love this story and had given up on ever seeing anymore from you. There is another story with the same title on this board and I always check the author when I see an update. I was floored to fianlly see ANON. Thanks for "Coming back". The original story is curretntly on pg. 8 author just ANON.

Mezz


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 5:35 pm 
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OMG!!!
For years I had been waiting for an update while deeply inside thinking that it would never be finished. You have made me a really happy kitten. This has always been one of my favorite stories and I have read it many times.
And now that it's edited, there's no doubt I'll read it again.

K.

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 8:37 am 
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I'm sorry, but I will have to reiterate what everyone before me has already said so far:

OMG OMG YAY YAY YAY YOU HAVE SOOOO MADE MY DAY! :D:D:D

Anon (w/Bethany) is back with one of the most amazing (unfinished) stories of all time!!

I cannot say anything remotely coherent right now, but know that I have been following this story way back when and certainly will be reading "Coming Back" faithfully again ;).

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 10:41 am 
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Hello here :)

I was thinking "this title is not unknown... why? what is it about?" and then... "oh i remember! oh it was unfinished!"... and then: ":-D"

Thanks for continuing, plus your own story is quite nice ^^

:)

Julia

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 4:07 pm 
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Thank you to everyone for all your good wishes, congratulations and very warm welcome back.

Second Fig: First, what is this first you speak of?

Katjetson: Nope, no previous story, we are reposting the (fully edited) original and then continuing from where we left off.
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Update:

From the living room, Betsy heard the shower shut off. She stood up and stretched, trying to prepare herself for the conversation that was moments away. She walked over to the kitchen and watched her girlfriend standing at the stove staring at the teapot. The room was so quiet but so loud with her girlfriend’s thoughts. Betsy carefully spoke with love and affection. "Juls, we have to put aside whatever is happening with us right now and get ready to tell her the truth. You do the talking and I'll work on my silent but supportive girlfriend persona. It's a new thing that I’m trying. I hope it will be more effective than my pushy, controlling side."

Looking at the one person who she needed at that moment, Julie immediately responded by crossing the room and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. She wondered how she had gotten so lucky to find the perfect woman for her and whispered, "You are always what I need. Thank you."

"That's why we have each other. We will always have each other." Betsy hugged her lover tighter and rocked back and forth, finding comfort and peace in the embrace.

Tara stood uncomfortably in the doorway. Her roommates’ intimacy never bothered her; at times, it made her long for that same type of intimacy. Tonight as she stood at the entrance of the kitchen, her heart ached over the scene. She was not sure where such emotions came from. Maybe she was sad because she knew that they were going to ask her to move out. She felt for her friends because she knew that they would feel bad about asking her to go. This must be so hard on them. She decided to cough softly so that they would know she was in the room. "I don't want to bother you two. We can talk tomorrow."

The two women looked up at their friend and then without breaking their embrace, they shuffled across the room to include Terri. They opened their arms and pulled their friend into the embrace. Julie spoke first. "Do you know how much we love you? Do you know how important you are to us? We love you, Terri!"

Terri, a little thrown but happy to be caught in this moment and chose it to make things easier for her friends. "It's okay. I’m prepared. I’m okay. I always knew that one of these days I would have to move out. I have stayed here for way too long. You two deserve to have the house to yourselves. You are a couple; you do not need to be sharing a house with me. I can start looking for apartments tomorrow. Maybe I can find one closer to the stable."

"What, why would you move out?" asked Betsy.

"Well, I know that you two wanted to talk to me and couldn't help but hear you say how much you were going to miss me. It's okay; really, it is probably time for me to be out on my own. I am just so grateful I have had this home for so long. But I can ..."

"Terri, we did need to talk to you but it is not about you moving out. This is YOUR home and we never want you to leave. If the time comes for us to move, we would want you to move with us. This is as much your home as it is either of ours. Okay?" This time it was Julie who spoke slowly, emphasizing each word.

"Really? Thanks. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to find you two." Terri hugged her friends, but as she pulled away, her expression went from being relieved to perplexed. "Then what did you two want to talk to me about?"

"Um, could we sit down? Julie, is that tea ready?"

"Yeah, just pick a tea bag. The water is still boiling." She poured the steaming water into three mugs and handed them out. For the next couple of minutes, Julie and Betsy busied themselves with preparing their tea. Terri just sat and waited. Her deepest fear, her fear of being without her family had been relieved. Something was definitely up but she knew that what ever it was, they were going to face it as a family.

Betsy turned and looked at her girlfriend, waiting for her to speak. Following her lead, Terri also turned to Julie. Julie opened her mouth to speak, shut it, opened it again, took a deep breath and finally asked. "Terri, does the name Tara McClay sound familiar to you?"

They watched their friend's face closely, looking for signs of understanding. Instead, they just saw confusion. "Tara McClay? Is that someone I should know?"

"You are Tara McClay." Julie couldn't believe she was being so blunt but she didn't want to test Terri's memory. She just wanted to give her the facts.

"Tara McClay. How did you find this out?"

"Do you remember that college kid who went camping with us last weekend? Well, she was showing pictures of the trip to one of her friends up at school and someone recognized you. Her name is Dawn Summers. I met with her Monday night. She told me that she knew you when you lived in Sunnydale, California. You were a junior at the university when you disappeared. Am I going too fast?"

Terri thought that Julie was going both too fast and too slow at the same time. She couldn't believe that after all these years, someone had finally recognized her. She tried the names in her head. Tara McClay from Sunnydale, California. It seemed odd; she would never have imagined living in California. It all sounded so foreign to her. Why didn't those names sound familiar?

She looked up at her friends and realized that they were waiting for a response. What could she tell them? Why did they look both hopeful and scared at the same time? "Could you just go on? If I start asking questions, I won't stop."

Betsy jumped into the conversation. "Julie went up to meet Dawn and learned that you had lived at the Summer's house for about six months. In the house, it was you, Dawn, her older sister Buffy and Willow."

"Wait a minute; I lived with people named Dawn, Buffy, and Willow. How could I forget those names, no matter how hard I was hit in the head! ”Betsy and Julie snickered at this comment. They didn't want to admit that they had made fun of those names on their way to meet Buffy and Dawn. To them, the names reminded them of a Gidgit movie.

"Yes, you somehow forgot those names. Do you want to hear more? This is so much." Betsy didn't want to push her friend. They had told her enough but Terri immediately started nodding, ready for more. "Okay, what else did we learn? Um, well, when you first started hanging out with them, you were very shy and you stuttered. As you continued to spend time with them, the stuttering went away. Here is a picture. That is Dawn, you, Willow and Buffy. That was taken at Buffy's birthday party, it was about a month or two before you disappeared."

Tara looked at the picture. They appeared nice enough. She was smiling and looked happy. The picture didn't trigger any memory. She looked at it and the image of herself was of a stranger. "How did I meet them?"

"Well, apparently you and Willow became friends through a campus Wicca group." Julie held back from explaining that Willow was her girlfriend. They had agreed that they would not try to force Terri into the patterns of old relationships. She would only meet them as friends. "Oh, yeah, you're astrological sign is Scorpio. You are now 26 years old. You were studying Art History..."

"I was a witch? I'm a Scorpio? I'm old? Damn, I was hoping I was 24. Wait, I WAS A WITCH?"

"That is what they told us. We also learned that you were always extremely sensitive. You were able to sense people's feelings very quickly. You took very good care of Dawn. She was just a teenager and her mother had died. You made sure she that she ate healthy and did her homework. Even after you moved out, you kept a very close eye on her. She loves you like a sister."

"What about my family?"

Betsy and Julie looked at each other with concern. Julie leaned over and said, "The truth is that they are your family."

"No, what about my parents?"

"Apparently, you had run away from home to go to college. You supported yourself on a scholarship. Your father and brother, Donnie came to take you home when you were about to turn twenty. Your friends wouldn't let them take you against your will. Because you refused to leave school and your friends, your father basically disowned you." Julie hoped that the harsh truth would satisfy Tara but it did not.

"What about my mother?"

"You mother was a wonderful, kind, caring woman. We know that because that is what kind of woman you are." Betsy could see that Tara had caught her using the past tense so she continued. "She died when you were seventeen. We really do not know anything else. I'm sorry."

Tara put her head down in her arms. Julie and Betsy wondered if this last bit of news had finally brought their friend's memory back or if this was all too much. They each reached across the table and placed a hand on Tara's shoulder. They were startled as Tara quickly sat up, brushing there hands off. "Why can't I remember? What happened? I have always wanted to know who I was. I always thought just knowing my real name would bring back the memories. Why can't I remember? I look at this picture and see strangers. Julie, Betsy, what is wrong with my head. Why can't I remember?"

"Honey, we don't know why. It is so complex. It..."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to put you on the spot. I have heard all the promises. That maybe one day I will look at a bird and remember. So, I look at every bird I see. I have heard that one day I will hear a song and remember, so I constantly listen to the radio. Or one day I will see a picture and remember, so I look at every picture. I search every face I see. Now, I look at these pictures and can remember nothing. I have heard all the maybes and I am beginning to realize that I will never remember."

"Your right, you may never remember."

"BETSY!"

"No Julie, it is the truth. I may never remember."

"Right, Terri may never regain her memory but we did not tell her about Dawn and everyone to just help her remember. Ter, we told you because we want you to have options. We want you to know that there are people out there who are still looking for you. There are people out there who are missing you. Buffy flew out here yesterday so that she could possibly see you. What I have learned and heard in the last three days is that we were not the first persons to discover you. Ter, you are loved, not just by us but by these people from California. They would like to see you. How would you feel about that?"

"When?"

"They would like to meet you tomorrow for lunch. I have taken the day off so I can go with you. How would you feel about going?"

"Feel, feel... I feel scared, excited, nervous, sick to my stomach. But I cannot not go."

"Good. I will be with you the whole time. Okay? And Terri, I still think those memories are somewhere in your head. I still think you will remember what you need to. Just look at the name you chose. Did you know that Stevens is the name of Dorm that you lived in for your first two years of college? I don't think you just chose that name as a coincidence. I believe that you have to trust your instincts. And you had better remember that we are there for you at all times. Okay?"

"Okay."

"So, do you want to talk some more?"

"No thanks. I just want to have another cup of tea. You two should go to bed, it’s okay. Really. I’m fine."

"Okay, good night." Julie stood up and hugged her friend. Betsy followed suit and the two headed out the door. But then Betsy stopped and turned around and asked, "Do you want us to call you Tara?"

Her friend's consideration made her smile and she shook her head and said, "No, to you, I will always be Terri."

"If you ever change your mind, you just let us know."

"Thank you and good night." Tara continued to sit at the table. She looked at the picture and the people in the picture. Buffy, Willow, and Dawn. She reached for a piece of paper and a pen and sat and wrote out all their names. Dawn Summers. Buffy Summers. Willow? Tara McClay. No bells went off in her head and she decided to take that as a positive sign. There could be two types of bells and one of them would be a warning bell. She was scared and confused but she knew that she was not in danger.

---------------------
The two had been driving in silence for the last hour. Everything had been talked out. They had prepared to meet their old friend. They had rehearsed lines and known what they were going to say. Both women were very nervous. Both were very jumpy. They had silently agreed to remain quiet, lost in their own thoughts. Neither of their nerves could take conversation.

Dawn remembered the first morning that Tara had made funny shaped pancakes for her. Two weeks had past since Buffy's death. The last of the boxes of Tara and Willow's stuff had been emptied and they had officially moved into the house. It was early in the morning and Dawn had finally decided to get up and go downstairs. She couldn't remember the last time that she had gone downstairs. All she had wanted to do was sleep. She would wake up and see that someone had brought a tray of food for her. She would eat a little and go back to sleep. But on that day, she could not stand to be in her room. She heard noise downstairs and sought it out. She did not want to be alone. She found Tara in the kitchen and she coughed.

Tara nearly jumped out of her skin as she turned to face the noise. There was fear on her face that quickly turned to relief. "Morning Dawn, I didn't hear you come down. You scared me."

"Sorry. It's really early, what are you doing awake?"

"Sleep has not been something I have been really big on lately. I am afraid to close my eyes. I am afraid I will go back to that place in my head that Glory sent me. You know that I wasn't banished anywhere. I was just shut in my brain and all reason was taken away from me. I am so afraid that I am going to find my way back to that scary place. I am afraid that once there again, I won't find my way out. I know it isn't really reasonable but that is where I am right now. I am afraid to sleep."

"I guess I am the opposite. Sleep has been the only comforting thing I have. I dread waking up." Dawn appreciated talking to Tara because unlike everyone else, Tara did not try to solve the problem. She understood this time. She understood the raw pain that Dawn was going through. She knew that there was no cure. And she did not hide her pain from Dawn.

"Well, coffee has been my friend. It helps three hours of sleep seem like six hours." Tara started to open drawers and cupboards taking supplies out.

"What are you doing?"

"I am going to make pancakes and you are going to help me eat them. I haven't had access to a kitchen for two years. The kitchens that they have in the dorms are just not convenient for cooking. So I am going to take advantage of your kitchen. And you are going to help me because I just can't mix the batter with this baseball glove on my hand."

Tara held up her hand to show that she was helpless. Dawn knew that Tara was resourceful enough to find a way to mix the batter without her help but she decided she would help. "I have never made pancakes."

"What? Never? Really, you have never made pancakes. Then it is my duty to show you how. Come on over, and lets get mixing."

They proceeded to make the pancake batter. Dawn excitedly made her first pancake. "Well, am I doing this right?"

"Technically, you are doing it correctly but you are truly lacking style. Here let me show you. You see, yours is round and it does look the way a pancake should technically look but what is it really saying?" Dawn looked at Tara as if she had two heads but stepped away from the stove. She watched her teacher awkwardly hold the ladle full of batter in her cast-covered hand. She watched as Tara dripped and dragged the batter across the pan. Dawn could not figure out what was being created but eventually, explained. "I like to call this my Willow pancake."

Dawn looked at the pancake and thought it did not look like Willow it looked like a tree. "Oh I get it, it is a willow tree. What else can you make?"

Tara began to create again. She had the tip of her tongue sticking out as she concentrated on the pancake. She frowned and then smiled, added some batter and waited a moment. "This pancake would be especially for Anya." Tara held up the pan to show Dawn that she was making a rabbit pancake. "I was trying to make a Miss Kitty pancake but then I realized it was a bunny."

Dawn started to laugh at the possibilities of different shapes that they could make. "Could you imagine if we served her a plate full of bunny pancakes? Tara, we could seriously warp everyone. We could give Anya a plate of bunny pancakes, Willow a plate of frog pancakes and what would we give Giles and Xander?"

For the next hour, Dawn and Tara made pancakes. Different shaped pancakes. They laughed and argued about the plan and designs of different pancakes. They ended up throwing most of the pancakes away to the birds but that was okay. For an hour, they both laughed and thought about nothing but pancakes. For Dawn, it was the first day that she noticed the sun was still shining. The pain was still present but the sun was definitely out. Ironically, six years after that silly morning, Tara's funny shaped pancakes were the things that helped them reunite. She believed it was a sign that everything was going to be all right now.

Buffy sat in the passenger seat unaware of what Dawn was thinking about. Instead, she was remembering an evening about three months before Tara disappeared. It was the night she confessed her affair with Spike. Somehow, she ended up with her head in Tara's lap begging not to be forgiven. She couldn't remember ever crying that much. She cried for her mother, for Dawn, for herself, for her friends, and even for Spike. She cried because she was alive and she cried because she knew what death was a like. Sometime during her breakdown, Tara had switched positions and slid onto the floor, leaning against the couch. She did this so she could hug her friend.

Finally, the tears started to stop, Buffy sat up and leaned against the couch, she closed her eyes and let her head lean back on the couch. She felt so drained, in both a good and bad way. Tara sat next to her, patiently allowing her to cry, not interrupting. After many moments, Tara spoke up. "So, why were you crying?"

Buffy looked at Tara and thought that usually her friend was more sensitive. She thought she had clearly expressed why she was crying. She was crying because she was ashamed that she had been sleeping with Spike. She was ashamed that she had been using him to feel something. She was ashamed that he was the only one who made her feel anything. And then she began to understand why Tara had asked her that question.

"Because I am sad, ashamed, and feeling guilty."

"And" Tara prodded her friend.

"And I guess that means that I am alive and feeling things. I guess that means I am not dead."

"Or different, no, that is not true. You are different Buffy. You will always be different because you have seen so much but that does not mean that you are dead. You just proved how deeply you are feeling. Life is hard. You have said that. But you are strong and…”

"You aren't going to lecture me about sleeping with Spike?"

"Well, I would like to say ewe but I am not sure if that is because he is a vampire or if it is just because he is a man and has a penis. You know, I just have never been one for the penis thing. He has done some good things and he has done some horrid things. I have known him post-chip. So I never saw how murderous he could be. What I don't like is that he hurts you and you let him. Don't let him hurt you. You are too precious."

She looked at her friend and thought about the word that had just been used to describe her. Precious. China was precious. Gems were precious. Buffy was not precious. She never thought of herself as precious. Maybe valuable, useful but not precious but at that moment, she felt precious. And at that moment, she also knew that she was alive. She felt alive.

She thought of that moment, that time of realization. It was soon after that conversation that she started to notice the people around her. She began to connect with Dawn again. It was around that time that she started hanging out more with her friends. She started to feel more alive and she began to be silly again. She did not stop sleeping with Spike right away but she no longer felt as out of control. She no longer felt as guilty. She started to see promise and life.

She knew now that her friend Tara had patiently helped remind her of who she was. Now, she hoped for the opportunity to do the same. She was so afraid of messing up this meeting. Her stomach began to drop when saw the sign for their destination. They were only five miles away.
----------------------

"So, how late were you up last night?" Julie asked knowing that she had heard her friend moving around the room for two or three hours.

"I guess I finally laid down around two. I just couldn't sleep. I am surprised you and Bets didn't call the men in white suits on me. I just stood in the mirror for like two hours repeating the name ‘Tara McClay.’ Did they say if I had a middle name? I think I need a middle name." Terri saw her friend shake her head. "I practiced introducing myself as 'Tara McClay'. I am not sure what I think about the last name. McClay... that would make me Irish huh? The Scottish usually go by 'Mac'."

Julie sat and let her friend go on with her uncharacteristic babbling. She was happy to be present as her friend processed. Normally, Terri would just bottle everything up. She was relieved to have her working it out verbally. It was a healthy way to cope. "Now the name Tara sounds okay. You know, Terri is just a 'ri' instead of an 'a'. That is not a big difference. Stevens, that seems like a better last name. Maybe I didn’t like my last name. I bet I didn't use it much. You know how some people just go by their first name always. I bet that I was one of those people who just went by her first name. I bet that some people knew me for months without knowing my last name. You know how Karen Jordan always introduces herself with her full name. You don't but Betsy does. Betsy Randal.... I bet that we could do a sociological study on people who use their whole name. Do you think it is because they don't want to be confused with other people? Or do you think those of us who use only our first names don't want to be remembered?"

Julie had been letting her friend just talk until she realized that she was expected to respond. "I never thought about the whole name thing. We will have to ask Betsy why she insists on doing the whole name thing."

"Yeah, we should... So do you think Buffy and Dawn are first name type people or full name people? Is that them?"

"No it's not them. Dawn is really tall. She is close to six feet and Buffy is really short in comparison. They kind of look like Mutt and Jeff, an extremely beautiful version of Mutt and Jeff but there is definitely a height difference. They really don't look like sisters. Don't worry, I will point them out when I see them coming."

"It was nice of them to agree to meet us here. How did you think of Harper's Ferry?"

"I knew that this was one of your favorite places. It's about halfway for them without them having to deal with DC/ Baltimore traffic. It is fairly quiet since it is off-season. Also, there are cute places to eat and we can walk around and talk without it being all about you. And I know you have always felt safe here. That was the biggest reason. I want you to feel safe."

"I do feel safe. Thanks. What would I do without you? Hey, those women are waving at us."

Suddenly, a tall, long legged woman stopped walking and started running across the yard of the Harper's Ferry Armory. She started to slow down as she came up to Tara, almost like she was afraid to scare her away. Seeing her trepidation, Tara felt the immediate urge to relieve her of some her fear. She stepped forward and while holding her hand out, said, "Hi Dawn."

The tall young woman's eyes filled with tears. "Do you remember me?"

Tara's heart broke as she realized that she did not. Dawn felt familiar but she had no memories of her. She knew nothing about her. She just knew that she did not want her to be sad. She also knew that she never had and never wanted to lie to this young woman. "I'm sorry. I don't have memories of you but I do feel like you have been and are an important person to me. Does that make any sense?"

"It will do. Tara, I don't care if you never remember anything. I am just so happy to see you." Dawn took a tentative step towards her wanting to throw her arms around her old friend but then she started to back off.

"Do you want to hug me? It would be okay." Terri was surprised at her boldness but for some reason, she knew she was saying the right things. Dawn looked up at her, started to cry and stepped into her arms.

"You're the same. It's really you. I was so afraid you would be different but you are the same." She continued to cry. Tara rocked the young woman back and forth, wishing for memories of this person who obviously loved her. She wanted to take care of her and protect her from the scary things in the world. She started to cry not because of the lack of memories but because of the strength of her feelings.

Buffy and Julie stood back, trying to fight back tears. The slayer searched the face of the woman who rested her head against her tall sister’s shoulder. Tara's eyes were closed. Her face had a few more lines and her hair was darker but she hadn't really changed. Buffy searched for signs of recognition on Tara's face and she saw none. What she did see offered her some comfort. This woman might not remember them but she seemed to remember the patterns of their relationships. That was enough for now.

Tara looked at the woman standing close to Dawn. Without breaking her embrace, she said, "So you’re Buffy." All the slayer could do was nod her head and wait for her chance to greet her old friend. She did not wait long, without discussion of the matter; both Dawn and Tara opened their arms to the third and brought her into the circle.

Julie stood back and watched the scene. At first, she had been happy for her friend but now, a part of her began to feel removed from the scene. She felt as if she was losing her Terri and she felt as if she was not needed in this scene. She knew that her feelings were selfish and tried to fight the resentment that was worming its way into her heart. After another moment, she decided that they didn't need her and started to walk away. She barely started to step away when she felt another hand on her shoulder. It was Dawn. She was pulled into the embrace. At that moment, she knew there was room for her. Dawn leaned her head against Julie's and whispered. "Thank you."

After a couple of minutes, the four separated from each other. No one could look at the other. The emotion of the meeting was almost too much to bear. Each was wrapped in their own thoughts as they coughed and cleared their throats and kicked at the gravel under their feet. One dug out tissue and passed them around. Buffy and Dawn finally took their eyes off Tara and began to look around.

"So this is Harper's Ferry? Where one of the bloodiest insurrections before the Civil War took place; isn't it pleasant." Buffy quipped as she looked around. To her, it made perfect sense that this beautiful place would have such a bloody history. The small town was built into the mountain and the roads were still cobblestone. The town was built at the point where two rivers met to form the Potomac. It was remote and beautiful. It felt as if it was from a different time.

"Yeah, we thought you would like it. It has always been Ter's favorite place. But for her, anyplace away from traffic qualifies as being one of her favorite places. Come on and see the point. There is an old railroad bridge that has been converted to allow us to walk across. Come on." Julie waved them towards the overlook and the bridge. Dawn instinctively linked arms with Tara and started to follow. Buffy walked with Julie.

After walking around for a while, they all agreed that they were hungry. They had to walk up one of the cobblestone roads towards the area that had restaurants. As they walked by an ice-cream shop, Dawn stopped and looked at the menu. "What's frozen custard?"

"Do you like ice-cream?" Tara asked.

At the question, Dawn's eyes welled up with tears of sorrow. How could Tara forget her love of ice cream and milkshakes? She tried to hide her sadness but it was already written all over her face.

"Dawn, I'm sorry. What did I say?" Tara stopped and looked at the young woman with concern. She silently berated herself for hurting her. "I have to know if what I do is hurtful or I might do it again. Tell me, what did I say?"

"I'm sorry. You didn't say anything. I love ice cream. It is just that you and I used to have special movie and milkshake days. It was a special time for just the two of us. I just got sad because you can’t share that memory with me."

"Well, I might not be able to share that memory but we can start a new one. After lunch, we are going to have some frozen custard. It will ruin you for just plain ice cream. It is so thick and creamy. You will love it! It will be new memory we both can have and share. Okay?"

Taking a deep breath, Dawn began to smile and said, "That sounds wonderful." They linked arms again and began to climb the hill to catch up with Julie and Buffy.

Just as the women received their lunch, Buffy's cell phone rang. Her heart skipped a beat. She knew that the call was either bad news from home or Willow. She took the phone out of her purse and saw that it was Willow. She looked at her sister and silently mouthed the words "It’s Willow." She backed her chair from the table and stood up as she unfolded the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey Buffy. How is quality time with Dawn going?"

"It's going great. How are things going for you?" She stepped outside and leaned against the wall to continue her conversation. She wanted to let her best friend know about Tara but she knew that Willow would not be able to wait twenty-four hours. So she tried to sound casual.

"I am almost done. I just have to do my final instruction seminar later this afternoon and unless they foul things up, I won't have to come back to sunny Florida. Did you know that I don't think there is anyone who is actually from this state? Everyone has moved here and I am not sure why. I can't wait to see you and Dawnie. So how many times have you fought today?"

"We don't fight. We nit-pick. There is a difference and actually we have barely even nit-picked."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Buffy regretted the comment. The fact was that she and Dawn always argued. It was part of their communicating process. The lack of arguing would be an irregularity that Willow would not miss.

"What's going on with the peace treaty between the Summers’ girls? Why are you there? Is Dawn sick? Is that why you are there? It's not like you to just take off and travel cross-country. The need for quality time does not explain this trip. What is wrong?" Willow was preparing for the worse, as had become her nature.

Buffy tried to calm her friend down. "Will, there was a reason that I came to visit Dawn but it is absolutely nothing bad."

"Is she pregnant?"

"No Will, she is not pregnant. Nor is she engaged, married or coming out. She is doing great in school and life is good for her. Aside from the whole school is great stuff I can say the same about my life. Things are good for all of us, so relax. You could fire out scenarios for the next two hours but then my phone’s battery is going to run out. You are still going to have to wait until you get here. So what time is your flight coming in?"

"Eleven in the morning, you know that I do not do well with waiting. I wish you would tell me what is going on. I am not happy about this secret keeping stuff."

"Willow, everything really is fine. Things are actually pretty great. So don't worry. I will talk to you when I meet you up at the baggage pick-up. We are really going to have a great weekend. I can't wait for us to all be able to hang out and explore DC."

"Okay, I’ll wait. You are lucky you cannot see the pout that is on my face. You would fold up and tell me everything. I feel out of the loop and I miss you guys."

"There is no loop without you. So start figuring out where you want to go while we are here."

"Yeah, I guess I could go online and start planning the trip. I need to update the Tara page anyhow. What have you guys seen so far?"

The conversation was getting to be too much for Buffy. She was relieved when Willow's voice began to fade as the signal changed. "Hey Will, your fading so I will see you tomorrow. I love you, bye."

_____________________________

"So, that's Willow, huh?" Tara waited for Dawn's nod. "And she was my friend first?"

"Yeah, you two were friends and Willow introduced you to us." This subject seemed safe to Dawn. Along with Buffy, Julie and Betsy, she had agreed not to tell Tara about her dating relationship with Willow until after they had met. She looked at Julie and found that she was busy eating her sandwich so she figured that she was not breaking any rules about the conversation.

"So was Willow out before me?"

"No, you were her fir.. " Dawn froze as she realized that she had just revealed exactly what they had agreed not to tell. It was too late; as she cast a hopeless look at Julie, Dawn went on. "You were her first girlfriend."

"Wow, go me. Did I get a toaster oven?"

"Um, I don't understand. I think you lived in the dorm and didn't need a toaster oven? How did you know that Willow was your girlfriend?"

Tara role her eyes and laughed at the response. There really was a generation gap between her and Dawn. "Well, I was kind of confused by your involvement with the campus GLBT group. You have been checking out every guy who walked by. So I knew that you were either straight or bisexual. But you haven't checked out any women, which would lead you to being just into the opposite sex. When I asked you about your involvement with the GLBT group, you explained that it was because of me and Willow. Well, being the two lesbians of your crew, being introduced to the group by Willow, and just the fact that I have a thing for redheads. I figured that must have been my connection to you all."

"Wow, I am impressed."

"Dawn, you have to be careful of the quiet ones, especially Ter, She picks up every detail and she never forgets anything. " Julie realized what she had just said about remembering and looked at her friend apologetically. Unfortunately, there was so much that Tara did not remember. Her heart broke as she saw her friend turn her head down.

"I wish I could remember everything." Tara said, directing the statement at the table instead of her companions. "What else aren't you telling me?"

"Tara we weren't trying to lie to you. We just didn't want to pressure you into feeling something or thinking that you had to respond to her differently. You see, Willow is coming to town tomorrow and we would like to introduce you but we thought if you knew that you were in a relationship with her, you might feel pressured to respond differently than you would naturally." Dawn's stomach turned, fearing that by not telling Tara everything right up front, she had lost any trust that Tara might have for her and Buffy. "You and Willow were the most amazing couple but then you broke up. You were basically both lost without each other but then you found your way back together. Things were just getting good again when you disappeared."

"Why did we break up?"

"Um, it's complicated." Dawn looked around for her sister for help. She couldn't do this alone. "You didn't tell me much because you didn't want me to be caught in the middle. In many ways, the break up was like reliving my parent’s divorce. The difference was that my father disappeared, you stayed active in my life."

At that point, Buffy returned to the table. The once happy group looked sad and mistrusting. "Uh, what did I miss?"

Dawn was afraid to look at her sister because she was sure Buffy would be mad at her for revealing more than they had said that they would. Across the table, Julie felt guilty because she has encouraged the group not to tell Tara about Willow. Buffy was just confused. “Ter figured out that she and Willow had been dating, and Dawn was trying to explain why they broke up."

"Oh..." Buffy took a deep breath and let it out. "Tara, between you and Willow, um, you two were the glue that held our family together when things got bad at our house. You were the caregiver and Willow was the organizer. But somehow, in the midst of that, you lost each other. Willow lost sight of her priorities and there were some control issues. On your part, there were some dependency issues. You were completely wrapped up in Willow. She was everything to you. Someway though, at some point, you saw that the relationship was not healthy and you left. It tore you up but you knew that you had to regain control of your life."

Buffy stopped and looked around the table looking to see if anyone was hearing her or if she was making sense. She was not able to make any eye contact so she just continued to talk. "You and Willow were on your way back together when you disappeared. You two had re-established your friendship. You had gotten back to the basics of the relationship. Back to what brought you two together."

"What made us so special?"

"No one has ever loved Willow like you did. No one has ever understood her like you did. That is a hard thing for me to say because I am her best friend and my friendship wasn't enough. I don't know what has happened to you in the last five years but before you left, it was evident that no one had ever loved you like Willow. She helped you gain confidence and she offered you so much love. When you broke up, it broke all our hearts but it was necessary. It was actually during that time that you and I became closer. I confided in you when there was no one else. Anyway, when you two got back together, it was one of the sweetest things that we ever got to witness. The love you two had was beautiful!"

"You all are still holding back so much. I can tell but I am going to trust you. Okay, so when am I going to meet her?"

"How about tomorrow?"

"Does she know about me?"

"Not yet. We wanted to come and see you first. But she is flying in tomorrow. Would you be willing to meet with her?"

"I have to work all day at the stable and then that night we were having a cookout for Betsy. It's her birthday." Tara thought about the full day she had tomorrow but decided that she didn' want to wait to meet Willow. She didn't even remember this woman but she was experiencing butterflies in her stomach. "How about you all meet me at the stable? We can spend sometime there and then go to the party. Okay?"

"Sounds great!" Dawn wanted to stand up and dance. She hadn't blown things. Tara wasn’t leaving or running from Willow.

"And now, Miss Dawn, I have got to introduce you to frozen custard."


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 5:43 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:03 pm
Posts: 22
Location: NJ
"How could you not tell me about this earlier? How could you have known this information for the last five days? FIVE DAYS. That is 120 hours. We have talked on the phone everyday for the last five days and you did not mention this. How could you not tell me until now? I have been twiddling my thumbs in Florida and you have been having lunch and spending the day with Tara. How could you? How could you? How could you not tell? "

Buffy had been prepared for this conversation to get emotional. That was how Willow worked through her feelings. She had been excited and scared to deliver the news to her best friend. She knew that the news would make Willow happy but she also knew that it would be painful. She knew that she was telling her friend about Terri, the girl who had no memory of Sunnydale or any of them. Buffy had asked Julie to recommend a place for her to give the news to Willow. She was looking for a place that was on the way to the stables from Reagan National Airport; some where that they could get to easily and quickly, some place that they could talk without being bothered. Julie suggested one of the overlooks of DC by the Potomac River, just off the GW Parkway. So, that was where they were. That was where Buffy told Willow about Tara. They had their backs to the view of the city as Buffy sat on a stone wall watching her best friend pace back and forth.

"I had to make sure that it was really Tara. Come on Will, if the situation was turned around, you would have done the same thing! Think about it."

"Think about it. Think about it. I have done nothing but think about Tara for the last five years. Five years. FIVE YEARS! Do you know how many times I have sat alone in some empty hotel room, feeling empty? Do you know how many times I have looked over at the side of the bed that she slept on and thought about what it would be like to have her back? To just know where she was, to just know that she was alive? For five years, I have been living with this hole in my heart. This past week, I had made the decision to give up. I had lost hope. I canceled the web page as of next month. I was planning to go home and start to go through her stuff. What if I had done that instead of coming to DC? What if I had done that while you were here in DC having lunch with Tara?"

"I just had to check things out first. If you hadn't called, I would have called and told you to come up. I had to check it out. If I had been wrong, it would have hurt too much. I would have been hurt. Dawn would have been hurt. Watching you hurt would have made it unbearable."

"I know. I know. Buff, its been five years. Five years." Willow sat down on the bench next to her best friend, put her face in her hands and started silently crying. "I'm not upset about losing five days. I am upset about losing the five years that I lost with her."

Buffy put her arm around her friend knowing that Willow would not sit still for long. While her dear friend sat in one place, she offered her love and comfort by rubbing her friend’s hunched shoulders. Suddenly Willow jumped up not able to sit still and receive Buffy's support, her mind still processing all the amazing news that she had heard in the last ten minutes. "She is alive. She is really alive."

"Yes, she is alive and well."

As quickly as the excitement had come into Willow's voice, so to returned the sadness. "But Buffy, she doesn't remember me? She didn't recognize you or Dawn. How can this be? Maybe it's a spell or a head injury or she is suppressing something. Maybe she is pretending she doesn't remember because she doesn't care about us."

"Will, Tara may not remember us but she has not changed. She is still extremely sensitive. She and Dawn hit it off so well. I mean it was like old times for the two of them. They ended up eating so much frozen custard that Dawn skipped dinner that night. Tara would never have stayed away from us on purpose. Something happened. We don't know what and she got lost again. But, she is still the loving and caring woman that adored you. The difference is she is five years older and she doesn't have the same memories. Her hair is a little shorter and she wore jeans instead of those long skirts. Her eyes are still blue. She is still about this tall. Oh, she has a tan, which is odd but that is because she works outside. "

"She has no memories. What if this is a result of the spells that I cast on her? Buffy, what if I caused this?"

Buffy studied her friend’s face waiting for her to dissolve into tears again. Instead, she watched as her Willow's face filled with panic and guilt. She had expected her friend to feel joy, fear, excitement and anxiety but she had not expected guilt. The possibility that the spells that Willow cast were the cause of Tara's memory loss never occurred to her. Her mind raced for explanations that would relieve Willow of the responsibility.

"She was in a serious car accident in Arizona. They believe that the head trauma had caused her memory loss. Willow, you did not cause this."

"But why was she in a car in Arizona? Was she running away? Was she running away from me?"

Willow leaned against the hood of the car and faced her friend. Buffy realized for the last five years, Willow had been blaming herself for Tara's disappearance. She had been finding ways to take the blame if she could. She had been punishing herself for the last five years.

"Willow, stop it. I am positive that Tara's memory loss is not from the spells but if you want, we will call Giles and Anya ask them to check out the possible side effects of the spells. We will call both of them in the car. But for now, sitting around, making a spectacle of ourselves to every tourist who stops to take a picture will not get us any closer to Tara. Don't you want to go see Tara?"

"Tara. Oh yes, I want to see Tara. I want to see her. I want to hear her voice. I want to talk to her. I want to hold her hand. I want to hug her. I want to... Buffy, how am I going to control myself? How am I going to just smile at her and be a stranger to her?"

"It is going to be hard to resist the urge to grab her and hold her. But you have gotten pretty good at resisting. You have been magic free for five years. You will be so happy to see her. Trust your instincts. That is what Tara was doing when she met us. You trust your instincts and hers. You get up and get in the car. Let's not let anymore time go by" Buffy stood up from the wall, walked around to the passenger’s door and led her friend to sit down. She knew that the drive over to the stables was going to be filled with questions and doubt. "Did I mention that she actually has a tan?"

---------
Willow froze in her place. She and Buffy were standing about thirty feet from the riding ring. She stood with her mouth slightly open watching the woman she loved gently help children down off their horses. She was in a trance and her focus was entirely on Tara. She did not notice that two of the children went from sitting on horses to sitting in wheelchairs. She watched as Tara started to sign to one of the riders and wondered if Tara had always known sign language. The rider must have signed a joke because after a moment, Tara laughed appreciatively. From the distance, Willow could not see the changes in her former lover's face but she recognized the smile. It was the same smile that still made her knees go weak.

Buffy had expected to have to hold Willow back once she saw Tara. She was not prepared to have her friend freeze. She searched her face to get an idea of what she was feeling. What she saw was joy, hope and fear. As she looked at her friend, she remembered seeing that look. She had seen that look on her twenty-first birthday when Tara and Willow were still separated. Buffy had invited Tara to her party. Willow had spent two hours getting ready to see Tara again. As Willow came down the stairs, her face wore the same look of confusion that it did now. As she looked between her friend and the ring, Buffy wondered what her role should be in this reunion.

Willow wanted to throw her arms around Tara and never let go. She wanted to run her fingers through her hair, to feel Tara's heart beating against her own. She wanted to smell her again. She wanted to kiss her. She wanted everything. Yet, she was paralyzed with fear. She didn't want to scare Tara off. She was afraid to blink because Tara might disappear again. She tried to convince herself that just standing and staring at Tara was enough. Yet, she knew it was not. She wanted and needed to get closer. Maybe slowly, she could move closer. She just couldn't, yet.

"Don't you want to move closer?" Buffy was acting more eager than her friend. She was also wondering how she could get Willow to stop squeezing her hand. She thought that her fingers would be blue soon from the lack of circulation. They couldn't just stand there. With her aching hand, Buffy pulled Willow towards the split rail fence that surrounded the ring. "Don't tell me you are too afraid of horses to go closer."

In a whisper, Willow pleaded to her friend. "Buffy, tell me this isn't a dream. Tell me that is really her."

"It is her, Will. In the flesh."

"How can she be even more beautiful than I remember? I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be as beautiful as she was. I was wrong. How can she be so much the same and yet so different?" Willow's heart was beating so hard, she was afraid everyone could hear it.

Before Buffy could answer, Tara turned and saw the two women. She tried hard not to do a double take but couldn't help it. She had been excited about seeing Buffy again and meeting another person from her past but she had not expected to be so attracted to this new woman. She was not prepared for such a physical reaction. Hoping that her hand was not obviously shaking, Tara waved at them. She cleared her throat and started to speak but couldn't find her voice. Again, she cleared her throat and managed to say, "Hey, give me about fifteen minutes to finish up here. Okay?"

"Sure, we will just stand by the fence," replied Buffy as she pulled Willow over to the fence.

Willow felt chills go up her back as she heard Tara's voice. It was music to her ears. She craned her ears to hear Tara talking to the riders. She had never heard such a beautiful sound. Why was it suddenly so hot outside? She started chastising herself. She was afraid that the intensity of her emotions would scare Tara. She took deep breaths and tried to do one of the meditation exercises that she used to resist magic. The deep breaths did not help. Instead, she began to feel even more light-headed.

Buffy continued to watch Willow. She looked even paler than usual, was still clinging to her hand and she was breathing heavy and really looking nervous. "Will, you have got to calm down. It is okay. Really, it is okay."

"I know, I know, it's just, it's just, it's just that it is Tara. It's really her."

Tara fought to pay attention to the riders. This was her favorite class. It consisted of five physically disabled children. She had always felt so connected to them. She never really questioned why; it made sense to her. She related to them because she felt that there was a part of her that wasn't functioning. In her case, it was a part of her mind, her memory. But that was not the only reason she liked the kids. They were a lot of fun and she admired their determination, enthusiasm and innocence. They were great kids. It was usually so easy to give them her complete focus. Today was different. She kept sneaking peaks at Willow. She wondered how she could ever forget someone that beautiful. She wanted to pat her old self on the back for the fact that in any lifetime, she would date that attractive of a woman.

Willow felt overwhelmed by memories. Tara's shy glances were so reminiscent of the looks she had given her when they sat across from each other during the first Wicca meeting. From there, she remembered the night they hid in the laundry room. One memory after another flashed to another. She remembered how safe and secure she felt with Tara. She felt loved and appreciated and as important as how she had felt about herself, she felt that there was so much to learn about life from Tara. Tara was beautiful, interesting, silly, creative, gentle and so loving. And there she was, in the flesh.

"Why can't I remember her?" Realizing that she was talking out loud, she looked around to see if anyone had noticed her murmuring. She wished for memories of this beautiful woman. She wanted to know how they had been involved. What was their relationship like? As a couple, they had obviously impacted others. She thought of how enthusiastic Dawn had been about her and Willow's reunion. She remembered Buffy's attempt to tone down their relationship so as not to frighten her. The fact that information was being kept from her made the reunion even more uncomfortable. But this wasn't really a reunion because she had no memory of this woman. This was an introduction for her. She almost wished that she had not known about their relationship. Then maybe she wouldn't be quite as anxious. She felt that she was at a disadvantage. She tried to focus on winding the class up.

When the class ended and the horses were back in their stalls, Tara came walking out of the stable. Willow suddenly became conscious that she was holding Buffy's hand. She dropped it as if it was a frog and started wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. She began to evaluate her outfit. She silently cursed Buffy for not telling her that she would be seeing Tara. She would have gotten her hair cut the way that Tara had liked. She would have dressed differently. She would have worn green. Tara loved her in green. Did she still have the same favorite colors? Tara had no memories of her past life. Suddenly, Willow had a horrible thought. What if Tara was interested in men now? No, Willow remembered her early conversations with Tara. Since a young age, she had never been interested in boys. She remembered Tara describing the first crush she ever had. It was crush on her riding instructor. Willow remembered agreeing to go riding after hearing that story. She didn't want Tara to meet someone else doing the one activity that they didn't share. What if Tara had a girlfriend? Suddenly, the questions were too much. She started to turn around when she felt Buffy's hand firmly set in her back, stabilizing and preventing Willow from running away.

Tara walked over to them. She sensed Willow's fear. The redhead looked as if she wanted to run away. What if Willow did want to leave? What if she had seen Tara, realized that she was a fool ever to be involved and wanted to get away? She hoped that Willow did not feel obligated to meet her. It was clear that she was uncomfortable. Actually, she looked scared.

Fortunately, for Tara, Buffy took the lead in the awkward introductions. She stepped forward to hug Tara. "Hey, Tar, it's good to see you again. This is Willow."

Steadying herself, Willow stepped forward and reached out her hand towards Tara. Considering their past relationship, offering a handshake seemed so inadequate and yet it also seemed like the only proper way to greet Tara. She felt equally inadequate about the words but still she spoke. "It is so good to see you again."

Instinctively, Tara reached out to shake Willow's extended hand. She was nervous. She was definitely attracted to the redhead. She was not prepared for the flood of emotions that she experienced when their hands met. She was never very good with words, now though, she was absolutely speechless. She wanted to stare into Willow's eyes but she felt vulnerable looking at the beautiful woman. If she looked into her eyes, surely her feelings would easily be read. So instead, she hung onto Willow's hand. A voice from somewhere in the back of her mind spoke out, 'Don't let go.'

Willow never wanted to let go. She felt a flood of memories.

Buffy couldn't wait any longer. The two women were just standing and gazing at their hands. They were not making eye contact; instead, they were staring at their hands. Buffy was anxious to know if Tara was remembering things. She tried to bite her tongue and keep… "Hey, Earth to Will and Tar."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be all with the clingy. I mean, you don't know who I am and I am taking your hand and not letting go of it. It's just I never thought I would get to see you again." Willow released Tara's hand reluctantly but she still could not meet Tara's eyes.

"Nnnnnooo, I'm sorry, it wasn't just you. I'm sorry I don't remember you. I don't know how I could forget you though." Tara glanced up from the ground towards Willow. Her cheeks were very red and she quickly looked away. Willow had forgotten to breath. She just gazed at Tara.

"So, how much time do you have for us today?" Buffy had heard how shy the women had been when they first got together. She knew that they could just stand around and kick dirt for entire day if someone didn't get them moving. Buffy appointed herself as the one to push them to do more than just stand around.

"I, uh I am basically done today. It was an early day. I have been here since five."

"Great, well, give us tour of the joint, okay?"

"SSSSSure."

Buffy wondered how long she was going to have to stall. The night before, she and Dawn had agreed that Buffy would go alone. At two o'clock, Dawn was going to call Buffy with a fake business call from Anya. They hoped that time alone would help Willow and Tara. Just when she thought the call would never come, a ring came from her purse. She hoped that she was able to convincingly fake, an annoyed look as she fished around for her phone. "Hello, oh hi Anya. Now, do we have to talk now? Okay, yeah, let me just get my day-planner. It’s in the car. Sorry, Tar, you will just have to start the tour without me. This could be a while."

"Now! You have to go now?" Willow protested Buffy's exit but all she could do was watch her walk away. She looked at Tara and observed the frightened look on the other woman's face. Scaring her was the last thing she wanted to do. She didn't want Tara to think that she didn't want to be around her. But she didn't want to pressure her either. She was just going to play it cool. She tried to psych herself up. She looked up, noticing how her heart did a little skip and said, "Well, I guess it's just you and me. I would love to see everything. Please lead on."

"Well, let me show you around the stables." Tara said after Buffy had disappeared towards the car. She turned and started walking. "Have you ever been around horses?"

Not knowing how to answer Tara's innocent question, Willow lost herself in memories. As she followed Tara, she remembered the night she had first told Tara about her fear of arm-eating ponies. The events at the possessed frat house had led to one of their deepest and most honest conversations. At the time, Willow had begun to acknowledge her feelings of attraction towards Tara and women in general. She was wrestling with doubts about herself and her actions. Tara had acted as her guide, patiently offering acceptance and love. While in the house, Tara had reacted so negatively towards her flirting and touching. This caused Willow's insecurity to flood back and she began to question her feelings. She was confused. She had kissed and flirted shyly with Tara but they never spoke about their feelings. Willow began to wonder if she had been terribly mistaken about Tara's feelings for her. They could no longer avoid talking about their relationship. That evening was the time for their conversation. After they had helped to free Buffy and Riley, they stayed up and talked all night. They discussed the feelings that they were developing for each other and Tara emphasized Willow's need to trust herself. She described how she first came to accept her sexuality. She talked about what it meant to live openly as a lesbian. Together, they imagined how Willow's friends would react to her eventual coming out. That night, that life changing conversation began because of a simple story about horses. And now, those special memories were no longer something Willow shared with Tara. She realized that she was the only one who held them dear. As happy as she was about finding Tara, she felt very alone.

"Willow, are you okay? Did I say something wrong?" Tara could see sadness cross Willow's face. She was afraid that anything else she said would cause Willow more grief. The sadness and grief was so close to the surface. She did not know what to do. She felt as if she was walking through an emotional minefield without a map. If she took the wrong step, she would cause this beautiful woman to sink into despair. Willow. If a simple question about horses could maker her so sad, how was she ever going learn anything else?

"Yes, yes and no." Willow responded to Tara's first, second and third question. She straightened her shoulders and stuck her chin out as if she was stepping into a new role, the keeper of their memories. She was going to practice the same patience that Tara had once practiced with her. She was not sure how much she should tell Tara. There was no rulebook on how much she should share. She was now the teacher and the storyteller but she wasn't good at telling stories. She tended to babble and get caught up on insignificant details. Taking a deep breath, ignoring her inner critic, she began to share some of the moments that they had shared together. "I have been riding twice in my life; both times I was with you. I had been afraid of horses; actually, I had been afraid of ponies with big, arm eating teeth. I had a bad experience with a pony at a birthday party but you promised to take me riding. You promised safety and fun."

Tara relaxed and smiled as she thought about ponies with big arm eating teeth. She knew that she could listen to Willow talk all day. They had just reached the stable doors and she leaned against one of the frames and looked at Willow. "Did I keep my promise?"

"Oh yes." Willow asserted as she leaned on the doorframe across from Tara. She started to remember the first time they had gone horseback riding and she started to blush. It had been a day that started and ended well, the middle was a little frustrating but now she could laugh about it.

Willow's blush was not lost on Tara. She was actually taken by surprise by the pleasure she felt at watching Willow's blush grow deeper. She wished she could share in the memories. Hoping to find those memories, she searched Willow's eyes and prodded her to continue the story. "Oh really, how did we make the adventure so much fun?"

"You could always make things fun." With that, Willow had to look away from Tara's intense gaze. She was afraid of overwhelming the other woman with her feelings and concentrated on the story. "But well, the first time we went riding was during our first summer together. You were taking summer classes and staying in the dorms. I had just come out to my friends and was feeling pretty empowered. One morning, I woke up first, which was unusual. You were always the first to wake up. I remember staring at you and realizing that with your help, I was facing my fears. I suddenly felt very brave and ready to face every fear I ever had with the exception of frogs, still not ready to face them. Don't ask. Anyway, I wanted to do something to make you happy and I knew you loved horses. I was feeling brave enough to face arm-eating horses. You were always so happy when you talked about riding and horses. I wanted to share in that experience and also surprise you. So I borrowed my mother's car, blindfolded you, and we headed to the beach where we could rent horses."

"Oh, you did that for me? That is so sweet." It was overwhelming to hear how much this woman had been willing to do for her. She felt sad, wondering how she could forget so much beauty. She wondered how could have changed from the woman that Willow described to the shy, introverted woman she was now.

"Not really, the place that we went had horses that were old, bored and tired. They were trail horses that just wanted to spend the day sleeping in the shade and left alone. So basically it took us fifteen minutes to just get the horses out to the beach. Once we were there, my horse just stopped. He would not take another step. You knew how to ride your horse and managed to get it moving; but mine, he couldn't care less what went on around him. He was just going to stand there. I remember looking up and seeing you struggling with your horse and me unable to get my horse to move. We were not having any fun. I realized my romantic day on the beach with horses was ruined and the tears just started to come. I tried to hide them but you never missed a thing and I am not good at that whole hiding emotions stuff. Next thing I knew, you rode your horse up beside me and and."

"And?"

"And you gathered the reigns of your horse in one hand and somehow slipped your leg over my horse. The next thing I knew, you were behind me guiding my horse down the beach." Willow's face began to blush again. She did not tell the rest of the story. She didn't want to mention the fact that for the next hour, she and Tara basically made out, forgetting that they were even on the horse. She didn't tell how those poor horses were led in big circles as Tara kissed and comforted Willow. But she couldn't hide her smile.

"And did you feel safe?" Tara loved the story. She loved knowing that a part of her was capable of comforting this beautiful woman. She loved knowing that something more happened that caused Willow to blush again.

"I always feel safe with you." Willow didn't edit her reply. She didn't change the statement to the past tense because the truth was that she still felt safe.

Tara noticed that Willow spoke in the present tense also and she prayed that it wasn't a mistake. It was important for her to have this woman, who did not feel like a stranger, feel safe with her. She felt the same comfort and safety. It was strange for her because usually she was very standoffish. It took her a long time to feel comfortable with anyone. It took her a long time to get used new people. When she was not at either of her jobs, she was happy just standing back and watching people. She did not usually feel the desire to become a part of the conversation or start friendships and relationships. With Willow, she wanted to start something.

Before she could stop herself, Willow whispered, "Are you sure you don't remember anything?"

"Are you sure you don't remember anything?" Willow immediately regretted the words after they came out of her mouth. Why had she asked that question? Tara surely would have told her if she remembered anything. Nevertheless, she couldn't have kept herself from asking. She needed some sign that there was hope.

The question broke Tara's heart. Her answer would be yet another painful blow to Willow. She understood that she was the cause of the other woman's grief. Tara didn't want to let her down but she knew instinctively that she had always told this woman the truth. "I'm sorry. Never in the past five years have I wanted to remember as badly as I do right now. Never have I realized how much I have lost. I am so sorry."

Tara's eyes filled with tears of frustration and regret. Willow began to berate herself internally. She was the reason for Tara's tears. She had already caused Tara enough tears. Willow had to stop the tears and so she began to speak without thinking, desperately trying to stop Tara's tears. "Hey, shhhh, it's okay. I didn't mean to pressure you. That wasn't fair of me. See, I tend to be impatient. I thought I was getting better at waiting but obviously, I'm not. From now on, from this point on, consider me the no-pressure-girl. I should not have pushed. I get pushy and try to control things. I promised to be different and here I am, pressuring and pushing and trying to control you. I am so sorry. I should not bother you. It was just that everything was so nice. It feels so natural to be with you. You haven't changed at all. Well, of course, you have changed but you are still you. You still make me feel safe. You listen to my stories like no one else. It felt like you remembered. I just wondered if maybe you remembered. I won't push anymore. I don't want to push you to feel anything. I am so sorry. You know what; maybe I should go sit in the car and wait for Buffy? Yeah, that is a good idea. I know you have better things to do. Not that you were doing me, but you were spending time with me and you probably would rather be with your friends or horses or whatever. I'm sorry. I don't want to bother you. I am sorry. I'll just go."

Tara watched in shock as she Willow's worry built up, as her hands excitedly gestured. She didn't know how to stop Willow's rant. Watching the other woman was almost amusing. Willow had yet to take breath during her rant. Nevertheless, the amusement was doused by the fear that she saw in Willow's eyes. It tore at her heart to see Willow so upset. She wanted to calm her down, but she didn't know how. She wanted to offer a sign of hope but she wasn't sure how. Then, Tara made a connection to something in her subconscious. Memories did not come flooding back but she did experience an understanding of herself. She leaned forward and took Willow by the hand. The physical contact stopped Willow's tangent immediately. "Come with me. Willow, I want to show you someplace special to me."

Willow was so overwhelmed by the feeling of Tara's touch that she did not care where she was going. She started to feel light-headed and realized that was because she hadn't taken a breath. Breathing deeply, she happily allowed Tara to lead her away from the stable. Barely noticing the high grass, she didn't even consider the snakes and frogs that could be hiding in the grass. Tara was holding her hand and she could feel the mingling of energy that was always present when they touched. She used to fear that this reaction was a result of the magic that they practiced together. Now she understood that the tingles she felt came from their connection and not magic. She hadn't practiced magic in years and she could tell that Tara hadn't either. This energy was something more, something that uniquely came from them.

Tara led the other woman away from the barn through a field. It was relief to know that she could find their destination blindfolded. The sensation of holding Willow's hand was overpowering her senses. Who knew a simple connection of two hands could stir such feelings. She questioned why she was taking Willow to the one place in the world that made her feel safe. She had never really thought about why this place felt so familiar; now she understood. She wanted Willow to understand that she was sharing something important. "I have never shown this spot to anyone. I want to show it to you. It is only about a half mile. After we get through this meadow, we will go into some woods. Don't worry. We will follow an old path through the woods to avoid poison ivy. Once through the woods, we will come to the spot. Watch out, this part of the field sometimes gets flooded and you have to be careful to avoid the puddles."

After they had entered the woods, Willow was reminded of when they had searched the woods for Dawn after Buffy's twentieth birthday party. While walking through the woods, Willow had asked Tara, 'Where would you go if you felt lost and alone? Where would you go?' Tara had responded, 'To you.' Willow remembered how that promise had filled her with joy. The world had shown itself to be a hard place but with Tara, Willow knew that they could face anything. If only Tara had been able to find Willow when she was lost, they would not have had to spend five years apart. They wouldn't have to walk on eggshells with each other now. She had no doubt that they would have still been together. They were meant to be together.

Willow was so lost in thought that she did not realize how quickly they were covering ground. Before she knew it, they were out of the woods and standing in a clearing. It consisted of a small meadow and an old meandering stream. Standing next to the stream, dwarfing everything around it stood an old weeping willow. The tranquility of the scene caused Willow to catch her breath.

Together, they stood and studied the scene. Tara finally quietly spoke, hoping she could make Willow understand the significance of this place. "I'm sorry. I don't remember events or people but I have always been drawn to this place. It has been my escape. This is where I come when I am sad and lonely. On my day off, I sometimes come here and just sit under this tree. I have never understood why of all places, this is where I come. What I mean is that I have found some beautiful places. Maybe places that are even more beautiful than this spot but this is where I always return. Now I understand why. Willow, do you?"

Words had stopped flowing through Willow's mind. Instead, more memories streamed through her head. She remembered how Tara would tease her and call her, "my Willow tree." She remembered hating her name because no one else had to share a name with a tree. And now, Tara was sharing her safe place. IT was a willow tree. She suddenly loved her name. Before she allowed her mind to make assumptions, Willow stopped her train of thought and tried to answer Tara's question. "I hope so! I don't want to jump to conclusions but maybe you were... uh... thinking of me?"

"Jump Willow Jump." said Tara quietly as she pulled Willow further on towards the old tree. When they reached the tree, Tara stood on her tiptoes and reached for one of the branches that were just within her reach. She pulled down a plastic bag that she had tied to the branch. If Tara had not known exactly where it was, it would never have been found. The contents in the bag were triple wrapped and Tara began to unwind and unwrap it. From the bag, she pulled out an old blanket. "I keep this here so I can just tell everyone that I am taking a walk when actually, I am coming here to think, read, draw, write and even nap." Tara spread the blanket out on the soft ground next to the tree. She offered a hand to Willow to help her sit on the blanket and then sat beside her. They sat shoulder to shoulder, holding hands, under the tree. There was not need to exchange words. Tara was offering a little hope and Willow was accepting it. Willow was offering Tara the companionship that she had not found since she woke up in the hospital. For the first time in five years, it felt like they were breathing again.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:14 pm 
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8. Vixen
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DIBS! :smug

Awwww....I can't wait for more!
Thank you.

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 7:14 pm 
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Ooh {{shiver}}... Thanks for the warm, love fuzzies tonight.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 8:37 pm 
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:pinky I am glad yall are back and finishing this wonderful fic I love it. :kitty

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:30 am 
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OMFG! i have to read everything again but THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CONTINUING THIS!

at first, seeing the title i thought "come-on! coming back? there's already two wonderful fics with that title!" and then i looked, and it was you, and it's one of the two wonderful fics and OMFG! i'm SO excited!!!

thank you!! :-D

PS: i'll be back with decent feedback once i read it again.....

ETA: ok, i SO need an update now.....really really soon....pleeeeeease.... :pray :pray :pray

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 12:43 pm 
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This is such a great story, It's really touching :blush I really liked the reaction of Dawn's to meeting Tara, it was really sweet. Please update soon :pray

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 4:25 pm 
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I remember really enjoying this the first time it was posted on the board. Good to see it back in action.

Can't wait to see more.

M.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:04 pm 
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Hello everyone :bigwave and once again thank you for all your good wishes and comments. Sorry we took so long between posts, RL got a bit busy. Hope you enjoy the following and that everyone has a happy holiday.
[hr]
Update 11/19/07

"Where are you? It's five o'clock? You were supposed to have been here two hours ago."

"I know, I know. I tried to give them a little time to themselves and I ended up falling asleep in the car. I didn't sleep at all last night. Anyway, I just woke up and I couldn't find them. They are gone, as in nowhere around. " Buffy had to pull the phone away from her ear so she would not receive the full impact Dawn's scream. Her little sister may have out-grown her teenage tantrums but she still had a few screams left in her. "Yes, Tara and Willow disappeared. No one has seen them in hours. Dawn, I have no idea what to do. What should I do?" Buffy was pacing back and forth by the car. She could hear Dawn talking to someone in the background. Her sister was at Betsy’s birthday party. Tara, Willow and Buffy were supposed to meet her there two hours ago.

"Hey Buff, Betsy said that you should check for a red station wagon. It should be parked near the barn."

"Yeah, I see it. It's there. Wait, you don't think that Tara and Willow are in the car. They could barely even look each other in the eye let alone start fooling around in the car! I mean, yes there seemed to be some sparks but they wouldn't be in the car doing that." Even as she rambled on the phone, Buffy tentatively walked toward the car and peaked in the back seat. It was empty, as she had known it would be. "It's here but it’s empty."

"Of course, it is empty! We just wanted to make sure it was still in the lot. You are such a pervert. Listen, Betsy and Julie both said that you should just come on over. We know Willow is with Tara. We know that Tara knows about the party. They will be here soon enough. They probably went for a walk or something. You have done such a great job as a chaperone, you might as well just come over."

Buffy knew her sister was teasing but her failure as a chaperone frustrated her. She was the slayer; she wasn't supposed to lose people. Buffy was also the older sister to Dawn and as much as she hated to admit it, her sister was being very reasonable. She couldn't do anything at the stable but still she felt as if she had failed by losing her friends. "I was just trying to give them some time alone. I didn't think they would sneak off."

"I know Buffy. Really, this is a good thing. Why don't you leave a message on the windshield and come on over."

"Okay, I'll see you in a little bit but I want you to know I am still worried. What the hell are they doing?"

"Don't worry. I am sooo not worried about this and you shouldn't be worried either. It’s just what we wanted, them being off somewhere. You have done well. They are fine. I promise. They have so much to catch up on. Wouldn't you like to be the fly that gets to watch them get reacquainted with each other. I bet they are so cute."

Over the phone, Buffy could almost see Dawn's smile and imagine her cheesy daydreaming face. Five years later, her sister still idealized Willow and Tara's relationship. Dawn had been very young when her parents began to fight. She never knew them as a happy couple. The only couple she had ever lived with was Willow and Tara. They had become her surrogate parents. Buffy prayed that Dawn would not be disappointed. She couldn’t stand to see her sister’s heart broken again. Her thoughts were interrupted by her bossy, bratty sister's voice over the phone. "Now get your butt over here, there are some very attractive doctor-types here. Plus I want you to meet Dave."

"Dave? Who is Dave?" The alarms went off in Buffy's head.

"He 's a friend, for now. My roommate needed her car tonight so I talked Dave into coming to the party with me. So get over here."

Buffy rubbed her hands together excitedly as she thought about how she was going to interrogate this date of Dawn's. She would not be able to resist an opportunity to play the over-protective sister. She left a note for Willow and Tara, took one more walk around the stables to make sure they were not near by and she left. It was time to make Dawn's date squirm.

The painful sensation of needles shooting through Tara's right hand woke her up from an unplanned mid-afternoon nap. By lying on her hand, the circulation was cut off and it had fallen asleep. She shifted her weight to move the suffering hand and realized that she was lying on her side. Her head was resting in the crook of someone's shoulder. The shoulder belonged to Willow. They must have fallen asleep while sitting under the tree. Tara did not panic. She felt too comfortable to move. It felt so good to be wrapped in Willow's deceptively strong arms. She could not remember ever feeling so safe and comfortable. She desperately tried to hang on to the moment by keeping her eyes closed and ignoring her hand.

Despite Tara's attempts to ignore reality, doubts and questions began seep into her consciousness. How had they ended up in this position? Had she just fallen asleep on Willow? Was the other woman still awake? Had she drooled on her shoulder? Tara realized that her worries would not be silenced. She opened her eyes. The first thing that met her eyes was her that her other hand was cupping Willow's breast. All this time, she had been touching Willow's breast. How could she not have been aware of this fact? How could she not have been conscious of the wonderful, arousing, natural feelings caused by touching Willow's breast? The mild feelings of panic and embarrassment were replaced by terror. What if Willow was awake? What if she was upset that Tara was molesting her breast? How could they have ended up in this position? Why hadn't she moved her hand yet? As calmly as possible, Tara gently and regretfully moved her hand off of Willow's breast. She was surprised to hear Willow murmur a sound that resembled a lament. She tilted her head up to find that other woman was still asleep. She could have stared at this beautiful woman forever but first she checked to see if there were any traces of drool. There were none. With a sigh of relief, Tara started to sit.

"Not yet Baby, I need more time." Willow mumbled in her sleep as she wrapped her arms tighter around Tara. "Please don't leave me again. I just want to hold you. We are perfect just like this."

Tara was overwhelmed by the feelings of pleasure that she experienced as Willow pulled her closer in their embrace. She felt precious. She felt adored. She felt treasured. These were feelings that she had never experienced. As Willow began to stoke her hair, Tara had to bite her lip to keep from purring. It felt so good to be held by Willow. It felt so good to be touched. It was all new for her. Tara had not been involved with anyone in five years. When Betsy and Julie had taken her to clubs, she had felt awkward slow dancing. She could hug someone but part of her always felt uneasy. Here, at this moment, she felt as if this was where she belonged, in Willow's arms.

As she considered the idea that she was where she belonged, Tara began to feel a great amount of turmoil. There was a part of her mind that was screaming to be with Willow. But she couldn't help but be angry at this part of herself. After all, it must have been that same part of her that refused to let go of the memories that were trapped somewhere in her head. She wished she could negotiate with her psyche. She wished that she could sit down and say; I'll give you this moment with Willow if you give me memories of our first kiss. That sort of negotiation would allow both sides of her psyche to get along better. Instead though, her mind was just a jumble of fear, self-hatred, need, lust, loneliness and confusion.

Tara began to feel guilt, bone-chilling guilt. Willow was holding, touching and thinking about another a woman. A woman that Tara could not be, she was not the woman who knew herself as Tara McClay. She wasn't the woman who had that name and knew that history. She was a lost woman using a pseudo-identity and occupying a stranger’s body. She had made a pretty good life. But she felt so inadequate. She didn't know how to be ‘Tara McClay' without her memories. She felt like she was cheating. Here she was lying in Willow's arms and she knew that in Willow's dream world, she was a different woman. She was the not the same woman who shared a life with Willow. She did not deserve to receive this love and attention so she began to fight harder to sit up.

"Don't go anywhere, baby. You are perfect there." Willow said sleepily. "Let's just stay here." As Willow pulled Tara even tighter into the embrace, she began to wake up. She suddenly sat up with a start and unconsciously pushed Tara away. "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. We must have fallen asleep. Are you okay? I am so sorry."

"Willow, I’m fine. We both fell asleep. It's okay." Tara could see the panic and fear in Willow's eyes.

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I had my arms wrapped around you. I was holding you and running my fingers through your hair." The phantom touch of Tara's hair lingered in Willow's palm.

"Yeah and I was... um... cuddled up to you. I'm just as responsible as you. It is okay. I was not complaining." The memory of touching Willow's breast caused Tara's face to get red. She attempted to change the subject. "We fell asleep and I am not sure what time it is. We were supposed to be at a picnic for my roommate at 3:30. What time is it?"

"You don't wear a watch?"

"No, I have two but I have never liked wearing them. It's pretty stupid, huh? Annoys the hell out of Betsy, she is really time conscious." Tara wondered why she was talking about Betsy but she continued. "She can not understand how anyone could function without constantly checking their watch. But I don't understand how anyone could want to be so controlled and tied down to time. I usually have a good sense of time. And hey, when it matters, time you know, there is usually a clock around."

Tara's explanation brought a big smile to Willow's face. "You never wore a watch. I gave you one once. It was a really pretty silver watch. You liked it but you never wore it. Then I thought you just didn't like things on your wrist and so I got you one of those antique women's watches that hang from a chain like a necklace. You liked that one also but you never wore it. You just didn't want to be controlled by some mechanical instrument. Xander, our friend used to tease us about being so opposite. You see, I have been accused of being a little bit overly time and detail oriented."

Willow was rejoicing that five years later, without a memory, Tara was still the same. She was filled with hope and joyfully continued to talk. "It, I mean your lack of worry about time used to drive me crazy. I never understood how you got anywhere without a watch. But yet, you were never late. You were way too considerate to ever be late. It was like this miracle that I could not understand. I have to schedule everything and you were just so unconcerned by time. If you had a calendar in the current year, it was a miracle. I am the opposite. I couldn't find a calendar program for my computer that suited all my needs. I ended up designing my own. I still carry an extra watch in my purse just in case the one I am wearing stops running. We were such opposites when it came to that. Wow, you haven't changed."

The smile that Tara had on her face during Willow's rambled about time faded with the last sentence. She was reminded that when Willow saw her, she was seeing another woman. Although she wanted to be this other woman, the one who Willow loved, she could not. It would be a lie. "Um, Willow, things have changed."

"No, no that's not what I meant. You might not have the memories but that does not keep you from being who you are."

"Yes, Willow it does." Tara spoke gently because she did not want to cause anymore pain.

"No it doesn't. I look at you and I see the same woman I fell in love with seven years ago. I see the same woman who made me feel complete. I can tell that you are the same beautiful, sensitive, intelligent woman that I first met."

Willow's words hurt Tara. She knew that this lovely woman would only end up hurt and disappointed. She couldn't let that happen. "No, I am not. " Tara firmly stated as she stood up and stepped away from the tree. "Please, don't put that pressure on me. I cannot be 'Tara' for you. I am sorry that you lost her. I am angry that this woman could have left you. I am angry because she left me also. She doesn't sound smart or sensitive. I cannot believe that she hurt someone as special as you. I cannot believe anyone would hurt the person who loved her as deeply as you did. I don't want to be the person who would leave you. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. So maybe we sh-sh-should..."

Willow interrupted Tara before she could make any suggestions. "Tara… I mean Terri. I don't want to pressure you. I also do not want to lie to you. Obviously, I want you to remember our relationship but more importantly, I want you safe and happy. Forgive me for not having this all together. Seeing you again was not in my calendar." She paused to see if Tara would get her joke and she received a small smile and continued. "Five hours ago, I was in a plane headed here to visit two of my best friends. Four hours ago, I was being told that you are alive. That was what mattered to me. You being alive. Two hours ago, I was sitting under a tree feeling whole for the first time in five years. And five minutes ago, I woke holding you in my arms. I am so confused. I don't want to pressure you. But I have been looking for the last five years for what I had sitting with you under the tree. You don't know this but we were best when we were silent." Willow saw Tara wince. "I mean, my girlfriend and I were at our best when we were silent. After a long day, we would just sit and bask in each other presence. And that is still there."

Willow stopped talking and waited for a response from Tara. But instead, she was met with only silence. Taking a deep breath, she went on. "Yes, I see you as Tara Maclay but you were always more than a name. I cannot help it. You feel like my girl. Don't you feel it?"

"Willow, I don't know what I feel. I am so confused. For so long, my feelings have been all that I have had to live on. I have had nothing to live on but instincts and luck. And right now, my feelings are so confused, I don't know what to do."

"I feel you. Here." Willow stood up, took a step towards Tara and sought to make eye contact. She placed her hand on her own heart. "I feel that you are here."

"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to be this other woman for you."

"You don't have to be anyone. You never had to be anyone different. Just yourself. Please. Don't you feel something?"

Tara started to protest. She didn't know what to say or do. Instead, she avoided an answer by shaking the blanket out and starting to fold it. Willow bent down and picked up the other end of the blanket. Together, they began to fold it. In the process of folding the blanket, she caught Tara's eyes and softly said. "Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Just spend some time with me. Spend time with me, Dawn and Buffy. We won't hurt you and we won't force you to be anyone but the woman you are. I am sorry I pushed you so hard. From now on, it is no more pushing. I will be push-less Willow. Hmmm, that kind of sounded wrong. What I am failing to say is that from here on, I am officially backing off. I know I said that before but I will wear a gag if I have to. Just hang out with us for a little while. Please get to know me.

Tara could not resist Willow. "I just don't want to hurt you. I don't want to give you hope that isn't there."

"I am an adult. I am capable of handling pain, hope, joy and sorrow. Right now, I am just happy to be hanging out with you. I want to get to know you, the woman who works at a stable and has a life here in Maryland. And I want you to get to know me; Willow - the quirky, computer geek girl from Sunnydale, California. Let's just start there. No pressure. We won't worry about how things will turn out. Just remember, you are not responsible for my feelings. I officially take any responsibility that you felt off your shoulders. Trust me with my own emotional well being."

"Okay."

"Good, now let's go and find Buffy. Knowing her dirty mind, who know what she is imagining we’re doing."

---
Willow spun around in the parking lot, searching for Buffy's car. She couldn't believe that it was gone. She couldn't believe that Buffy had left. She did not deal well with abandonment and that is what she felt. Her voice did not hide her panic. "What are we going to do? Buffy's car isn't here. How could she just leave us? How are we going to get to the party?"

Tara was somewhat bewildered by Willow's panic. She was actually relieved not to find Buffy waiting in the parking lot. She had been feeling guilty about leaving her for so long. "Uh, Willow, it's okay. I can drive. That's my car right over there." Tara pointed toward the beat-up station wagon. It was a sixteen-year-old Honda four-door hatchback that drove great. It fit her because it was practical, economical and there was room for all of her riding gear. She was pretty sure that most of her possessions could also fit if she ever had to move. Tara saw Willow's look of astonishment and misinterpreted it as a look of criticism directed towards her car. "Really, it runs well. It just looks a little battered."

"No, no, that's not it. The car is great. It’s just you. You drive?" This new information puzzled Willow because it did not fit with the woman she had known in college.

"Uh, yeah, don't most people?" Tara felt awkward as the object of Willow's astonishment.

"Not you. You never wanted to learn."

"Really, why?" For Terri, driving seemed like such a natural thing to do. She knew that she was a safe driver. She loved the freedom she felt when she drove. The idea that she had ever not wanted to drive seemed absurd to her. Besides, she relied on her car to get to both her jobs.

"That is what I used to ask you. You swore that you would never drive. You said it wasn't necessary when you where at home and college. You never wanted to live somewhere that you had to drive. You wanted to live in a small town. I tried to get you to take lessons. I finally convinced you to try and learn in case of an emergency. That was when we were first living with Dawn. Buffy was, um, she was gone for the summer. You wouldn't have agreed if I hadn't used the Dawn card."

Willow remembered how Tara shook as she was led to the jeep to practice driving. Willow felt as if she was taking her girlfriend to the firing squad. Tara looked so vulnerable and worried. Her stutter was back in full force. Tara's strong reaction against driving had frightened Willow. Her girlfriend had gained so much confidence but on that day, it seemed to fade.

"And how did I do?" The idea that she was once too scared to drive disturbed Tara. She hated feeling like a victim. That was the image she was getting of her former self.

"You shook so bad that the steering wheel also shook. You finally said that you just didn't want the responsibility of driving. We didn't get out of the driveway." It was not one of her happier moments with Tara but it led to an evening of revealing conversation. She learned so much about the woman she loved that night. She did not think that it was possible to love and admire Tara more than she had. She knew that night that her love would never stop growing.

Tara was unusually inattentive to Willow's mood. She was taking in the information about her past and not liking what she heard. "Wow. I was big ol' baby."

"No, you weren't a baby. You were being the bravest person I have ever met."

Tara sneered at the thought of being so frightened that she wouldn't even drive a car. The more she heard, the more she didn't like her old self. "Yeah, so brave that I was afraid to even learn to drive. Real brave"

"No really, you I mean Tara, I mean." Willow stopped and searched her mind for a moment. "How do I refer to the woman I knew? It's you but not you. It makes the talking about you very hard to do. And that is odd because you are one of my favorite topics of conversation."

Tara smiled and thoughtfully considered the question. "I'd have responded to that question differently thirty minutes ago when I was having my mini-meltdown. I think then I would've just wanted this person I was, Tara to be talked about in the third person. But that doesn't make sense. You are talking about me. I guess I don't mind you talking about her like it’s me. You know, using the first person. After all, it was. I guess she still is me. Talking about my past is fine. Expecting feelings and reactions from me because of that past is what is hard for me. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, it does. But I have to warn you about something. Okay?" Willow waited until she had caught Tara's eyes. Her voice was firm. "I never stood by and listened to you belittle yourself then and I won't now. There were many reasons why you were afraid to drive. If you want to hear them, I'll tell them all to you. I'll also cry like a baby just like I did when you first told me about your life as a teenager. But I will tell you. That goes for everything I know about your life before we met. But don't put the woman I love down. Okay?"

"Fair enough." Tara ignored the fact that Willow had spoken in the present tense when she mentioned her feelings. If they kept tripping up on tenses and names, they would never get to know each other. And she would never learn about her past. "So why didn't I want to drive."

"Your family was really tough on you when you were growing up. They tried to take away any thread of confidence or independence from you. I suspect that there was more to the story surrounding your fear of driving but you rarely mentioned your life before college. You didn't want to dwell on it. You said that if your past were the only thing keeping you from driving, you would face that fear. You claimed that the reason you never wanted to drive was that you were afraid to hurt anyone while driving. There was too great of a risk of an accident. You knew that it wasn't just a game or a convenient mode of transportation. You used to tell me that it didn't matter how great of a driver a person was, the minute they got behind the wheel, they were taking lives into their hands. And that was a responsibility you did not want to have."

"OOOOOkay, that's interesting. Actually, it is kind of strange but I am sure I had my reasons." Tara walked up to her car, opened the passenger door for the Willow to get settled in the car. "I am going to go get my stuff. I will be back in one second." She started to walk toward the barn and thought again. She turned around and handed her keys to Willow. "Here, just in case you want to listen to some music or something."

Willow leaned across the car, put the key in the ignition and started the car as she watched Tara disappear into the barn. As the music from the radio started to wash over her, she frantically began to fiddle with the air conditioner. She pointed all the vents on her in a desperate need for air. All of a sudden, the events of the day hit her. She felt trapped and frightened. What was she doing? What was happening? Her head was spinning and she was suddenly feeling exhausted. She covered her eyes with her forearm and rested her head on the headrest. Taking deep breaths, she tried to relax. She felt as if someone had her heart in a vise grip. Each moment felt like her last chance to get the life that had always wanted and pressure was overwhelming.

Usually, pressure was something that Willow thrived on. She had faced so many life or death, world ending situations that she had become somewhat blasé. Since Tara had disappeared five years before, she had become somewhat separated from the events that occurred around her. She pretended to feel but for the most part, she was numb and just playing a part. Finding Tara had hit her to the core and awakened emotions that had been buried. Willow felt completely overwhelmed. She didn't know how to cope with everything. Magick was not an option. Studying and research could not help. Even her friends could not help. She was in completely unchartered territory and could only trust her intuition. Trusting herself was one of her weakest qualities. She was good at putting up a confident front but that was all it was. The consequences of failure were more depressing than anything she could imagine and that only increased her fear.

Willow lost in her thoughts, was startled when the driver’s door opened and Tara sat down. She was holding a note. "Buffy left a note. She said to meet everyone at the party. She didn't sound angry. That was what I was worried about. So see, nothing to worry about." Tara suddenly stopped talking as she studied her troubled passenger. "Will, are you okay?"

"Yes," Willow took in a deep breath. "I just, oh, I don't know. I just, I mean, I am just. You know what, I don't know how I am."

"It's okay. You don't have to have any answers with me. Just sit back and experience my driving. I have been told that driving has inspired religious experiences for people. Put your seat belt on." Tara's attempt at humor was lost on Willow. She knew that Willow was confused and tired. There was not much that she could do but she had to try. "Relax. Tonight's party will be fun. It's actually just a get together. We are a pretty laid back crew of people."

Taking a deep breath and trying to just focus on the moment, Willow replied. "Thanks, I’m sure it will be great."

Feeling Willow's tension, Tara said. "There is something I thought about while I was getting my stuff. I have no problem with you calling me Tara. That is my name. Tara McClay."

"Thanks. That makes things easier." Willow didn't want to be too picky. She felt like she was returning a precious gift that Tara had offered but she had to make one little correction. "The thing is that you last name is actually Maclay. Tara Maclay."

"Maclay. What kind of last name is that? I thought I was Irish. I was going to go find out what my family crest was and all that. Damn, where does the name Maclay originate from?"

"I am not really sure. You were always closer to your mother and her side of the family. I think they might have been Scottish." Willow tried to throw Tara a bone but didn't want to lead her on. "I'm not sure where Maclay originated from. You didn't talk much about your father and that side of your family." Willow lost track of the conversation as Tara began to merge into traffic. She tried not to grip the side of the door. Just as the car's speed began to regulate, the pick-up truck in front drastically slowed down. Tara had to slam on the breaks without cause.

"You asshole." Tara grumbled and switched lanes to pass the pick-up that had been driving erratically. The driver leered at them and started to speed up as Tara tried to pass.

Willow paid no attention to the pervert in the truck. Instead, she stared at the woman who was driving. She wasn't frightened by Tara's driving but Tara's behavior and language shocked her. This woman was different in many ways. The Tara she had known tiptoed around the world trying not to offend anyone. The Tara she had known apologized for everything that happened even when it was not her fault. The Tara she had known was afraid to swear. This woman she was sitting beside had not had those fears drilled into her. This was Tara untouched by her family’s evil.

"Willow, why are you looking at me like that? That guy hit his breaks for no other reason than to check you out. Look how he is speeding up now as we try to pass. He is a classic example of an asshole."

"Yes he is." Willow replied without taking her eyes off of Tara.

Feeling as if she was suddenly a science project being examined, Tara asked. "So why are you staring at me like that?"

"Because I basically lived with you for two years and I never heard you swear more than once. The one time you did swear was an experiment in spicy talk. It is so funny to hear you swear and drive like a taxi driver. I don't mean funny, haha. I mean funny - different. Not bad different, just different. Actually, I kind of like the tough, swearing Tara, I think your father tried to always scare you into submission. And the fact that you are so sensitive made you hyper-aware of things."

"So I didn't rebel at all?" Tara hated to hear how boring her old self was.

"Hello, you rebelled! It was you who introduced me to the gay life. You never hid who you were. You rebelled plenty. You left home to start university alone. You supported yourself through school against your father's wishes. You refused to go home when your dad came to get you on your twentieth birthday. You refused to dress like everyone else. You refused to fit into a little mold. You rebelled, just quietly and sensitively. Believe me, you taught me that you didn't need to be loud to rebel. You showed me that you could rebel with class and consideration. You rebelled plenty. You just didn't swear. And we have already talked about the whole driving issue. This is just a part of you that I am really enjoying."

"Well, go me. Go rebel girl." Feeling inspired by Willow's account of her rebellious nature, Tara dared to be bold. Usually, she would have been to shy. Making her voice as coy as possible, she asked. "So, how exactly did I introduce you to the gay life?"

Willow was completely thrown off her guard and she could feel her face redden. She couldn't tell if Tara was asking or flirting. Either way, a part of Tara's question was a bluff and she was going to call it. "Well, I would need to act it out. Words wouldn't give it justice and I want you to focus on driving."

"Really, wow. Go me." Tara could feel her cheeks getting red as Willow's but she was enjoying this conversation. "What? Did I seduce you?"

"Kind of, in a very innocent but sexy way. This is too strange to talk about. I never even shared it with anyone else. You know, it’s you but not you."

"That seems to be the theme of today. You don't have to tell me more at this moment. We are almost to the house. But believe me, I am dying to hear about my seductress days." Tara was intrigued by Willow. She liked the idea of being intimate with Willow. "We will get to the party, get some dinner, have a few drinks and relax. It has been a long day."

"Sounds good to me." Both women looked forward to spending more time together.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 6:14 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:03 pm
Posts: 22
Location: NJ
Update continued

Willow and Tara walked up the front steps of the house that Tara shared with Julie and Betsy. Neither of them expressed the nagging feelings of sadness that they were both experiencing. They quietly entered the house not ready to make their arrival known. They did not want to attract the attention of the party that could be heard from the backyard. The silence between them became awkward and they both avoided eye contact with each other.

"This is kind of awkward. It feels like the end of a date where we don't know how to say goodbye." Tara finally spoke up because she could sense Willow's anxiety and she could not bare the silence any longer.

"I know!" Willow nodded her head in an exaggerated manner. "With the exception that we aren't going to say goodbye. We are just going to go join a party filled with friends. Well actually with mostly your friends and two of my friends who are more like my family. And I am going to be in town for a while and we have just said hello and that means it is too soon to say goodbye. Not that I want to ever say goodbye again. Oops, I'm sorry, no pressure. Argh, I am so on the verge of a babble-fest." Willow reached over and lightly grabbed Tara by the shoulders and shook her with mock urgency." Stop me. My babbling is legendary and it could go on all night!" She pleaded.

Tara's blue eyes lit up with amusement. She was enjoying Willow's teasing and her touch. She felt so at ease with Willow and began to mourn the fact that the sense of comfort would soon end. Once they went out back to the party, even though they were her friends, she knew that she would feel watched. She would feel as if she were under a spotlight. Everyone would be looking to see how she was reacting to everything. Tara just wanted to blend in and not receive much attention, but now she would be going outside and everyone who knew what was going on would be observing her. They would be looking for hints of her feelings and analyzing her.

In addition to her anxiety about the party, Tara was experiencing a strong physical attraction between her and Willow. She did not want to be a part of a couple under examination. She had avoided romance and dating and never felt like she was missing anything. But now, there were emotions that were flooding through her for the first time since she woke up in a hospital room five years ago and she didn’t know how she should act. Pushing those questions aside she focused on Willow. "I understand, well I don't understand babbling much but I know. I kind of wish we didn't have to go to the party. Don't you wish we had more time?"

"Oh no, I never wish! I mean yes, I want to spend more time with just you. I want that more than anything but I am not going to wish for it because when you wish, bad things happen." Willow saw disappointment and confusion begin to show on Tara's face and she realized that the other woman did not understand. Of course Tara didn't understand, she didn't remember being trapped in Buffy's house by a vengeance demon. Willow felt desperate to reassure Tara, so she began to run her hands up and down Tara's arms as if she was trying to warm the other woman up. And then slowly, she moved her hands up and began to massage Tara's shoulders.

"I mean, yes, I really want to be with you alone. I want to spend more time getting to know you and give you more of a chance to get to know me. I want to go to your favorite restaurant. I want to see the other place where you work. I want to see the room that you live in. I want to learn everything about you. I want to do all those things right now and never stop getting to know you."

Silence filled the air, as they couldn’t take their eyes off each other. They just both stood there looking for answers in each other’s eyes. The moment was special and intense. Tara knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to lean over and kiss Willow. She wanted to feel the strength of Willow's arms again as they held each other. She wanted to run her fingers through Willow's beautiful red hair. Tara felt shy as her mind processed all the things she wanted to do, and she could feel her face turning red. She had to look away and the moment was broken. Willow dropped her arms and began to kick the carpet. Tara felt as if something very important had slipped away and she didn't know what to do. She had never wanted to be so intimate with anyone else. She needed time to think and sort things out so she decided to continue to avoid what was happening.

"Um, I really need to take a shower before I go and be social with everyone. I really don't want to spend the evening smelling like horses!"

"Yeah, I actually … uh … have to use the bathroom." Said Willow; hoping that Tara did not think that she was making up an excuse to stay near her. She tried to justify this by shrugging her shoulders and meekly saying, "It’s been a long day."

Tara immediately understood and felt guilty that she had not considered Willow’s needs earlier and her face directly expressed her feelings. "Oh, of course, how rude of me, you have been traveling all day. You probably want to freshen up. Come on, I’ll take you to my room where you can use my bathroom. I'll just use Betsy and Julie's shower."

Tara lightly took Willow's hand and led her up the stairs. The gentle grasp of Tara's hand reminded Willow of the times when her lover would lead her up to their room to be alone. Silently sending a prayer to any higher power that would listen, Willow prayed for the day when Tara would be lead her upstairs for other reasons. Until that day, being with Tara, seeing her room, spending time with her was enough.

As she led Willow up the stairs, Tara was overwhelmed by feelings of deja vu. It felt so right to be with this woman. She recognized that it was out of character for her to be so touchy with Willow, but here she was taking every opportunity to reach out and make contact. She was usually so shy with people. Distance made her feel safe, even to the people she was closest to. It had taken her a year to just get comfortable enough to hug Julie or Betsy. But today, with Willow a woman who in her mind she had just met, she was taking her hand, sleeping in her arms, looking in her eyes, and thinking about kissing her. It was all so new to Tara but she decided to trust her instincts.


"Maybe we should go back and look for them?" Asked Dawn feeling strangely odd in the role of worried mother hen to the two women who had cared for her but that was how Dawn was feeling. She had pulled Buffy and Julie away from the party to express her concern. "I can understand being a little late … but two hours! That is not like Willow, she never goes off schedule, she even plans the days when she is going to oversleep!"

"Well, I'll call the stable but half the time, even when people are there, they ignore the phone. Let's give them fifteen more minutes," said Julie hiding her concern for her housemate.

"Give who five minutes?" interrupted Rhonda, a party guest, who was hovering by the food.

"Terri. She must have worked late today." Julie answered.

"Well, I just heard the shower running when I was in the kitchen. You should really have a plumber check those pipes. I don't think they should be so loud." Jake, a colleague and friend of Julie's commented as he came out onto the deck, his eyes narrowed and prepared to get the women's goat. "What you ladies need is a man around this house to fix stuff."

Ignoring Jake's obnoxious joke, Julie innocently asked, "Well if Terri is in the shower, where's Willow?" She observed the knowing looks that Buffy and Dawn exchanged and caught onto their line of thinking. The thought that Terri and Willow were 'together' in the shower was absurd! Terri would never move that fast! Actually, Julie thought that they would never get together. That just was not Terri. Period. End of story. " Not Terri, no way!"

"I don't know Julie, those two were pretty ... um ... into each other. They were always sneaking off and stuff." Buffy didn't want to go into details about the times she had accidentally interrupted them in different compromising positions. She had started wearing clumpy shoes and walking heavily just so that she could be heard coming. Even with that precaution, she would still interrupt them fooling around in a corner or in the kitchen or on the porch or in the basement. They were inseparable and that's how she always remembered them.

Rhonda perked up at the scent of gossip and possible shower scenarios. She was a professional gossip. Once she got her teeth into some news, she would circulate it with the speed of light. "Who? What? Who's with Terri?" Buffy and Dawn looked at Julie, wondering how they should respond. Getting no answers, Rhonda asked even louder. "Terri is showering with who?"

Unfortunately, the question was loud enough to stop the rest of the party conversations in mid-sentence. Julie tried to quiet Rhonda but it was too late. A hush fell across the crowd and everyone turned towards the women waiting for an answer. The shy woman they knew as Terri had never been in a shower with anyone. Betsy finally took charge of the situation from across the yard. She had not been privy to the conversation but she could see that her girlfriend was at a loss for reply. "No one, Terri is not in the shower with anyone. She just spent the afternoon with an old friend. They will be here soon and if anyone does anything to embarrass Terri, they will have my wrath to face … and you know that is legendary!"

"But what's going on?" One of the friends at the party asked.

"Nothing. As I said before, Buffy and Dawn are old college friends of Terri's. So is their friend Willow. Buffy and Dawn got to see Tara the other day, and now Willow and Terri are catching up."

"Yup, I'll say they are catching up! Catching up with soap and lots of suds,” Rhonda said under her breath loud enough for the rest of the party to hear.

"Rhonda, shut up! Don't even suggest that kind of stuff because it isn't your business! Even if Terri were the type to fool around with someone she just met, it would still not be our business. We know that is not how Terri works. After all you should know you've hit on her enough times and struck out!" Said Betsy sarcastically, giving Rhonda just a taste of her legendary wrath.

Rhonda held her hands up as if to surrender and stepped back from the situation. "Okay, Okay. I give up. She isn't showering with Whitney."

"Its Willow and she isn't!" Julie said wishing that they had never invited Rhonda to the party. "Listen, you all know Terri's situation. This has got to be a tough thing for her to get to know these people who knew her before she lost her memory. Please be kind and be on you best behavior. She needs all our support. And you know how she hates to be the center of attention, so please do not barrage her with questions. She doesn't have any answers. Don't study her like she is a science project. Please, just give her your support. Subtle support. Please don't be obvious."

****

Tara squeezed the water from her hair. Her head was still spinning, her stomach was doing Olympic somersaults and the shower hadn't made anything clearer. The only difference was that she no longer smelt of horses but then she no longer smelt like Willow either, who had somehow left her scent all over Tara's skin from earlier that afternoon under the Willow tree. I love her smell … she mused before getting out of the shower and wrapping the towel around herself. She began to comb through her hair. The mirror was still clouded by steam and so with the edge of her towel, she wiped off the mirror and studied her reflection. Wanting answers, hoping for miracles, she spoke aloud. "Who are you? How could you forget that amazing woman? How could you leave people who loved you that much?" Tara continued to stare at herself but no answers came … only more questions.

****

For the first time since leaving her hotel that morning, Willow was alone. After washing up in Tara's bathroom, she stood in the middle of Tara's bedroom and looked around, searching for hints of her girlfriend, the old Tara. It was a room filled with plants. There were windows on two sides of the room. The windows had no curtains but each had a huge fern hanging in front of it. Plants sitting on the windowsill blocked the direct sunlight and caused a greenish glow to fill the room. The plants acted as natural shade and you could not easily see out the windows. It was a space full of life. The bed was against one wall with a black and white fabric print of a mountain view hung behind it. The bed was covered with a deep red bedspread with a few cream colored pillows. Against the other wall stood a desk and a tall wardrobe that took up almost half of the wall space. Underneath one of the windows sat a low bookshelf. The room was cozy and before she left to shower, Tara had explained that she chose the smallest of the rooms because she loved the windows. The redhead noticed how the room was filled with a sense of peace.

Willow felt Tara in this room. Her old room had been decorated with crystals and statues, they were symbols of her Wicca faith, and they were ways that she stayed in touch with nature. This room was very symbolic of Tara's unconscious need to be at peace with the natural world. The bookshelf was filled with books about plants, Chinese medicine and other natural healing methods. Everything in the room made sense to Willow. This was Terri, a woman who did not remember her mother or her Wicca faith but still sought peace and comfort with the earth and nature. It was instinctive of Tara and to a scientific girl, like Willow, it was perfectly logical; she only hoped that Tara's instincts applied to her as well.

Willow began leafing through one of the plant books when Tara entered the room. She had taken her damp hair and twisted it into a bun fastening it with two sticks. She was wearing a thin long sleeve white v-neck shirt and long khaki shorts with well-worn sandals. To Willow, Tara looked stunning. The redhead was lost for words; she just set the book aside, stood up and stared. Tara stared back for a moment and then reached out for Willow's hand. "Come on, let's get this over with!" She smiled and together they left the room to face the party.

****

Back at the party, the discussion of Terri and her showering had been dropped. Different conversations resumed. Terri and Willow's friends began to relax again but each was still watching the clock. Each was still anxiously awaiting Tara and Willow's entrance. Rhonda though was on a mission. She sidled up to one of the few people at the party who was standing alone and began to speak in a conspirator's tone. "Remember the other week when we were camping and we started playing that stupid game, what's it called again? I haven't?"

"You mean ‘I never,'" clarified the other woman.

"Yeah, that's right, ‘I never'. Do you remember how we all got so drunk and told way more about ourselves that we ever wanted to in public?"

"Yes, I seem to remember that you took great joy in that game."

"Well yes I did but there was one person who barely drank!" Smirked Rhonda.

"So?" asked the woman not sure what point Rhonda was trying to make.

"Well, now that we have people from her past, I think it would be a good time to play that game again. Don't you want to know more about Terri? I always knew she had a past. Come on, let's play 'I never'. I would really like to see her drink!"

"That's kind of mean isn't it?" asked the other woman.

"No, it's just equalizing things out. Come on, it's just a game. We'll suggest it and if she wants to play, then it's her choice. Don't you want to know about them? Terri and that Willow?"

"Just don't pressure her, okay? I don't want the wrath of ‘Mama Bear Betsy' after us!"

"Of course not!" Agreed Rhonda who wasn't really evil, just intrigued by Terri and her past, after all Betsy was right, she had been chasing after Terri for three years and never got anywhere. She wanted to know where she was going wrong.

"Oh, here she comes," said the woman as she spied Terri and Willow attempting to slip into the party without drawing anyone's attention.

----------------
"Who is that woman talking to Tara?" Willow demanded. She was standing with Buffy, attempting to appear casual which was a total contrast to how she was feeling inside. She felt scared and anxious but also excited and hopeful, it was strange there was so much going on in her head and heart that she wondered how much she could take. And at the moment, the strongest emotion that she felt was jealousy. She resented every person who had known Tara in the last five years, every person at the party. "Why does she keep touching her?"

"Because they are having a casual conversation." Said Buffy and immediately realized that her best friend needed more reassurance. "Will, that is all that is going on. Her name is Karen and that tall, dark haired woman talking to Julie is her girlfriend. I don't know her name or her social security number but if you want, I could go ask." Buffy couldn't help but tease a little. Her friend was acting paranoid and for the last five minutes, she had been asking about every person at the party who even glanced at Tara. In the opinion of the slayer, Willow's suspicions seemed to be completely unwarranted. After all, they had not separated for the first hour and a half after arriving. Tara had politely introduced Willow to everyone but never failed to give the redhead her complete attention. They carried on conversations, looked interested and laughed in all the right places but it was obvious to everyone that they were focused on each other. If Willow hadn't had to use the bathroom, they would still be in their own little world. Even now, Tara was sitting with three friends but barely took her eyes of Buffy's best friend.

"Well, I don't like it!” Willow grumbled, “If she’s this confident to be hitting on Tara right in front of everyone at the party, who knows what type of person she is. Look how she is touching her, that ‘s not how friends touch each other!" An irrational Willow pointed towards the offender of the blatantly friendly touch.

"Will, it is just a touch," said Dawn, overhearing the conversation. "She is just a touchy person. We talked earlier and she kept touching me but I’m sure she wasn’t hitting on me!"

"Touchy person? Yeah, whatever! ‘Touch pervert’ more like it. Maybe she is one of those swingers. Maybe she and her girlfriend are both swingers!" Said Willow; letting her incredible imagination take off. "Maybe they want to have a threesome with Tara and ew, that is just wrong. They shouldn't be taking advantage of her. It is just wrong. I don't know about people from the East Coast. It is a whole different scene here. They always talk about California being so free and loose but I don't think it compares to this place." Panic crossed Willow's face. "Oh no! What if now that they know that Tara comes from California, they think she will jump in bed with them? People are always having misconceptions about California. Someone needs to go tell them that she is from Oregon, a small, little conservative town in Oregon where kinkiness is considered a crime. I think I should go and straighten them out, they need to know that Tara is not one of those people!"

Buffy reached out and held her friend back. "Will, just chill out. They are just friends. She is not hitting on her."

"Hey, why don't we just get everyone's fingerprints and we could check them all out to see if any of them are notorious perverts?" suggested Dawn. "You know, she has been talking with that Jake guy this entire time."

"Oh no!" Willow's rational thought was completely gone and her paranoia pushed her towards temporary insanity. "You know, she has been talking with that Jake guy an awful lot. Oh my, what if she has forgotten that she is gay?"

"Is that even possible, to forget which gender is attractive to you?" Buffy asked curiously, not catching her sister’s sarcasm. Willow on other hand, did not respond but expressed her panic through her paling face. Dawn and Buffy realized that they had gotten carried away with the teasing and exchanged guilty looks.

Before either of the tormentors could try to chase away Willow's fears, Betsy spoke up. The three women had been standing by a table full of food and Betsy had been refilling bowls of chips and trying not to listen but now felt it necessary to speak up.

"No! One thing Tara has always been sure about was that she did not want to be involved with a man. And she has never shown any interest in any of the people here at this party. And yes, people have tried and failed."

"See, I told you," said Dawn as she lightly nudged Willow's arm.

"No you didn't!" Refuted Buffy and Willow at the same time.

"Well, the only reason I teased you, along with my sister who should feel just as guilty as I do, is that it’s obvious that the woman who we know as Tara is not interested in anyone but you Will," defended Dawn as she traded a scowl with her sister.

"It doesn't matter,” said Betsy, “Willow why don't we sit down and have a drink? Come on over here." Willow picked up her drink and started walking over towards Betsy. She thought that at least with this stranger, she would not have to worry about being teased. She was wrong. "I promise not to touch you suggestively!" Smirked her new companion.

Buffy and Dawn started to laugh uncontrollably as they walked away. Betsy led Willow towards couple of lawn chairs that were pushed away from the party and sat down. Willow followed her apprehensively. She felt uncomfortable almost as if she was going to face an inquisition. The invisible lint on her shirt appeared to take all of her attention as she avoided meeting the other woman’s eyes.

Clearing her throat, Betsy waited until Willow finally looked up. She had been preparing to warn and even scare this woman against hurting her friend. She was amazed to see how their brief meeting had already caused a change in Terri. As she prepared her speech, the fear and vulnerability that was conveyed through Willow's eyes made her change her tactic. Betsy realized and was startled by the other woman's fear and she abruptly asked, “What are you afraid of?”

“What?” Willow had been preparing herself for a ‘parents meet the girlfriend’ type interrogation and instead she was faced with a question that was so much harder to answer.

“What are you so afraid of? Julie accuses me of being a bit too clueless about other people’s emotions sometimes and she is right. But even I can see that you are scared out of your mind. Why?”

“I don't know. I’m so afraid of hurting her. I am so afraid of losing her again,” answered Willow honestly.

“But Willow, you don’t have her. She just met you. She’s Terri, not Tara.”

“See, I know that she doesn’t have any memories of herself but she is still Tara. She is still the woman who I have loved for the past seven years.”

“How so?” Betsy didn’t want to encourage Willow’s feelings that Terri was Tara but she couldn’t curb her curiosity either.

“Where do I start?" Talking about Tara was so easy for her; it was one of the few ways that Willow had been able to feel connected to her love. "I guess I will start with her smiles. There's the polite ‘I am scared out of my mind’ smile, there’s the ‘I am slightly amused’ half smile, the ‘I want to make you happy smile’, and then the full ‘I am happy, comfortable and safe smile.’ I have only seen hints of that last one. But, I know it’s in there. And it makes me melt every time I see it.”

Understanding the descriptions, Betsy commented. “You get that smile on every blue moon and when I see it, I give thanks to be able to witness it and I wish it would return more often.”

“When that smile is aimed at me, I feel 20 feet tall. I feel like I am on top of the world. I feel like my whole existence is justified." Willow paused, staring off into the sky she continued. "Thanks for helping her smile. I am so glad that she found a home with you and Julie.”

“She didn’t just find a home. She found a family.” Betsy saw a chance in the conversation to turn it towards Willow’s expectations of Terri. “She has a life here. You have to understand, Willow. She does not remember her life as Tara and she has never necessarily wanted to learn it. I don’t want her hurt anymore, especially from painful memories.”

“I don’t either!” Sighed Willow. “I mean she had a hard life. She grew up under the restrictions of her horrible father and brother, had to watch her mother suffer and die when she was 17. She basically snuck out of her house to go to college, hide everything she was, feared her past catching up to her and slipped through life. I wasn't there when she was growing up but I have held her after nightmares. I have listened to the nightmare that her life was. She experienced more pain then anyone deserves. I don’t want to bring her any more."

Willow continued to speak, not wanting to give Betsy a chance to interrupt until she had spoken her peace. “But yes, I want her to remember me. I want her to fall into my arms and love me like she used to. I want us to be together but I don’t want her to have to remember her childhood or even some of the things that happened to her in college. I don’t want to have to watch her toss and turn and tremble from those nightmares again. I don't want to hear her silently cry herself to sleep. And yes, I am scared that my very presence will bring all that back. But what I have learned is that you cannot fight the past. It is a part of each of us. We have to learn from it rather than hide from it. And that beautiful woman over there taught me that among many other lessons. And the truth is that she will most likely remember. If and when she does, I want to be the one who is there to hold her, to love her, to cry with her, and to face it with her. I want to be that woman that only she ever saw.”

“So how do you plan on doing that? Terri has a life, a family, a job and friends here.”

“I know and that is wonderful. I don't want to change her life. I plan to be there for her with patience, understanding and love. When I met Tara, my heart was broken. I was lost, confused and feeling abandoned and unworthy. I had never even admitted my attraction for women to myself. I was having trouble with my friends and realizing how separated I was from my parents. Then I met this wonderful woman. She was shy and adorably awkward but so full of wisdom and wonder. We started out as just friends although she always claimed to have fallen in love with me at first sight. For me, my love grew but I always knew that I would wake up loving her more than I had the night before. I always said, wow, how could I love her anymore? Then I would find out exactly how much more I could. I am sorry, like I said; I love to talk about Tara and our relationship. The point is that even though she had strong feelings for me, she never pushed. She never asked for anything from me. I was horrible and clueless. I knew that she didn’t have many friends. I knew that she would understand if I showed up at her door in the middle of the night; I knew that she would be there for me whenever, even if I wasn't there for her. What I didn’t understand was why I always wanted to be with her. Why, when she would just casually touch me, I would tingle. I didn’t understand why, when I was supposed to be broken-hearted, I was dreaming of a friend. And when I started putting things together, when I realized that I wanted more with Tara, I was scared out of my mind. I thought that I was just starting to fit in. College was supposed to be where smart people were admired. And me liking, even loving a girl was just not fitting into the whole pattern. I just wanted to be normal.”

“And being gay made you abnormal?” Asked Betsy a little insulted at the implication.

“Then, the answer to me was 'yes'. Now, seven years later, I can say no. But I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand the consequences. I just wanted to fit in, not stand out.” Willow stopped and took a breath. “And Tara patiently waited. She was there when I pushed her away and pulled her close. She was there when I knocked on her door or needed to talk or be alone. She was so amazingly unselfish and that is what I want to be able to be for her. I don’t want to ask for anything. I just want to be with her. Maybe she will fall in love with me again. Maybe we can build a new relationship or maybe she will just want be friends. Whatever happens, I want to be a part of her life for as long as she wants me to be. I owe that to her.”

“So you are doing this out of guilt and obligation?” She was pushing, Betsy knew that, but she needed to see how this other woman would respond. She was afraid that Willow’s emotional well being was just not that strong and she didn’t want to see Terri hurt.

“NO! I want to be a part of her life because I love her. I love that woman right over there. I don’t love her memories; I love her. And I will be there for her in whatever way she needs for as long as she will have me around. Why? Because I learned to love and you know who taught me to love? That wonderful woman over there and she’s one hell of a teacher! You can call her Tara or Terri or Rumplestiltskin for all I care. She is still a part of my heart.”

“Well, you have my blessing!” said Julie. She had been standing behind the two women for the last couple of minutes. She understood why Betsy was pushing and for that reason, she had not interrupted until she realized that Terri was also watching the conversation. She could see the look of concern from her friend and decided to calm the conversation down. “And I speak for my overly protective girlfriend when I say that you are welcome in our home. I am glad that you have found Ter again. Just please be patient.”

Willow began to speak when suddenly, a crack of thunder interrupted the party and a downpour drove them all into the house. Everyone quickly grabbed the party supplies and ran inside through the double glass doors. For a few moments, everyone mingled in the kitchen and discussed their options. Some of the guests decided it was time to go. Everyone else started to settle in the living room. Betsy began to start a fire. Julie and Tara began to organize food and drinks in the living room for the party.

Willow, still digesting the conversation that had been interrupted by the storm, stood looking out through the back door. She couldn’t help but wonder if she should leave. She didn’t want to hurt Tara. She couldn’t help but wonder if Tara had the same questions seven years ago when they had first considered getting involved. She wished she could talk to Dawn or Buffy but she didn’t know where to start. She was completely lost in her thoughts and didn’t notice that she had company at the door.

Tara stood and gazed out at the storm, considering Willow's lost expression. She wanted to stop the pain that was written across Willow's face and so she laid her hand on Willow's shoulder and gently asked. “What’s wrong? Are you afraid of storms?”

“No, not storms."

Then what are you afraid of?" Tara asked.

"I am afraid of hurting you.” Answered Willow, not completely aware that she has spoken her fears out loud.

“Don’t worry Willow I’m tougher than I look.”

Looking at Tara as if seeing her for the first time, Willow replied. “I know, but you shouldn’t have to be.”

“Well, we all have to be tough sometimes.” Tara replied. “You know, I’m worried about hurting you too. Not being the person, you are looking for. Not being Tara.”

Willow reached over and covered Tara's hand that still rested on her. Their silence acknowledged the fact that neither of them had answers to the others’ fears. They stood there watching the downpour; feeling lost, tossed and twisted inside, just like the trees caught in the storm. They could have stood there all night, with Tara’s hand resting on Willow’s shoulder, watching the storm. They would have stayed there all night if Rhonda had not shouted to them from the living room. “Hey you two, get in here! It’s time for some drinking games!”


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:13 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:03 pm
Posts: 22
Location: NJ
One last update for the night, The I Never Game. Enjoy!

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"So, let me get this straight. I say 'I never blah blah' even if I have, and everyone who has done that drinks. Right?" This was the third time Rhonda had tried to explain the game to the group and Buffy was the only one not grasping the concept. The slayer was squeezed into an overstuffed loveseat with Dawn and Dave, her sister’s date. Jake, the only unattached man in the room sat on the arm of the loveseat besides Buffy.

The room was arranged so that all the furniture surrounded the fireplace that was located on the end wall. The loveseat was set across from a large sofa, which held two couples, Karen and her girlfriend and Cal and Sophia, friends from Terri's job at the stable. Completing the square formed by the sofa, the love seat and the fireplace was a matching overstuffed armchair where Amy and Kathy sat. Dawn's classmate was practically sitting on her girlfriend’s lap and not paying attention to anyone but Amy. The large square coffee table had been moved out of the room so that people could sit on the carpet. The hostesses, Julie and Betsy leaned against the sofa between the two couples sitting on the floor. Rhonda sat on a rocking chair that was between the chair and the loveseat. Rhonda's "I never" conspirator sat on the other side of Julie and Betsy next to the fireplace. The only available space in the room to sit was on the floor in front of the love seat by Buffy and Dawn.

As Tara led the redhead to the free spot in the room, she felt extremely aware of Willow's need to be close to her friends. Dawn pulled her legs up and sat with them crossed so that her friends could use the loveseat as support. They sat down and took some of the pillows tossed their way and placed them behind them to cushion their backs. Tara toyed with the idea of taking Willow's hand again but felt shy about doing it with everyone watching. Instead, she focused on the conversation and tried not to think about how cute Willow looked or how nice it felt to be so close to her and especially not the fact that she could feel Willow's body heat and hear each breath she took. She really was not successful at paying attention to the group but she caught enough to know that Buffy was still trying to grasp the game and annoying the Drinking Game Mistress, Rhonda. "Well then why do you call the game 'I never'? Shouldn't it be called 'I have?'"

"The name really isn't that important," said Rhonda, speaking slowly as if Buffy was hard of hearing. It was obvious that she was frustrated but also intrigued by the other woman. "I cannot believe that you never played this. Are you sure you went to college?"

"Well, forgive me for having a life! I was busy slay-slay- slay-slaving away in the library. And then I had to move home and help with my sister and work for a living. Excuse me if I never learned all the important drinking games." Buffy had long gotten over feeling inferior to those who had finished what she hadn't. She no longer regretted missing out on the college experience but she did not appreciate being made to feel stupid because she did not know the rules to a silly drinking game.

Dawn was watching the exchange between her sister and Rhonda. She remembered Julie's comments about Rhonda's preference for blonds and felt it necessary to clue Rhonda in on Buffy's sexuality. It wasn't that she was worried about her sister freaking out. She just didn't want to have to listen to Buffy moan about switching teams since guys didn't hit on her anymore. "Yeah, study my ass you spent your freshman year having sex with Riley so you missed out on this important educational experience."

A red-faced Buffy hated the attention her bratty little sister directed her way and decided it was time to stop playing dumb anymore and get on with the game. "Okay, enough! Okay? Now that we have established that I am the only person on the face of the earth who has not played this game, let's play. Willow and Tara are here and we need some drinks for them."

With that command, someone handed the new comers each a beer and the game began. It started out rather slow, with the usual warm-up statements to make everyone drink. Someone said, "I never drank beer" and everyone drank. After a couple more lame questions, Buffy chimed up. "Now I know why I never played this game in college. It is slow and boring."

Unfortunately for Buffy, she had spoken up right before Rhonda's turn and realized that she was going to now the be target of the other woman. Rhonda retaliated with "I have never dyed my hair blond." Buffy sheepishly drank her beer, looked around the room and noticed that no one else was drinking. She didn't want to be the only one and she spoke up. "Hey Tara, uh, you dyed your hair blond."

"I did?" Asked Tara, amused at the thought of having light blond hair. She immediately looked for
confirmation from Willow who was nodding her head. Nervously, Tara took a drink, then leaned towards Willow and whispered, "How did I look?"

Excited about the opportunity to whisper in Tara's ear and get even closer, Willow began to ramble. "You looked beautiful as always. It was when we first met. You had this funky crooked, zigzagging part that matched your half smile. You had the sexiest roots …"

"Sexy roots? How is that possible?" Interrupted Tara giving Willow her suspicious look. "Sexy roots? That I don't believe." She watched as Willow's mind went somewhere else, a shadow fell across the other woman's face and she felt her heart break because she couldn't share in the memory, even if it was sad. "I'm sorry; did I say something wrong again? I'm so sorry. Please, don't be sad."

"Oh no, you didn't say anything wrong. I just remembered this one time we were... um, flirting and I was talking about my, um, my ... this is hard because what followed was really ugly but um ... I was talking about my high school life and my geek infested roots and you said ... 'geek infested roots? Are you are trying to turn me on?' You looked really cute and I said, 'I have to try now?' and then I just had to kiss you, even though we were walking up the stairs of the Bronze, a bar and it was incredibly crowded. Usually, we were pretty private with the kissing and stuff. People can be obnoxious, you know."

"Yeah, so I have heard. That sounds like a nice memory. What's with the sad face?" Asked Tara; voicing her curiosity needing to know about the shadow that fell across Willow's face.

"Because about two minutes later we argued and I said some really ugly, horrible stuff and you walked away." Willow began to fiddle with the label on her beer and lowered her whisper to a barely audible tone, hating the truth. "It was the beginning of the end." Willow couldn't believe they were having this conversation in the middle of a stupid drinking game, she was not even aware of the debate that was occurring around them. She hated reliving those memories. She was still ashamed of her behavior during the fight and could not look at Tara.

"Did I disappear after that fight?" inquired Tara, wondering if that was why Willow was so upset. She hated the thought that she could ever fight or walk away from this gentle woman. She hated the fact that she could be the cause of Willow's anguish, even if it was from a fight five years before.

"No, oh no, Tara ... I mean, well, no ... We didn't break up for another couple of weeks and you never completely walked away. You were always there for Dawn and Buffy. And we slowly began to patch things up. And then, we got tired of slowly patching things up and quickly kind of got back together." Willow peeked up at Tara and saw that she didn't seem to believe her. "Things were better, really. I had learned so much and you had learned that you had a role in the family without me. We were stronger individuals and that was going to make us a stronger couple. The separation was horrible but it was necessary. We were good. We were super! You were going to move back in. We were going to be so happy … I thought we were so strong and then you disappeared. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I …"

The line was lost as Willow turned away and stared at the fire. Tara needed to see Willow's face so she tentatively reached out, gently touched her cheek and turned her head until they were looking into each other's eyes. "Will, it’s okay. Don't be sad. You said earlier that you had learned and grown from your mistakes. Well, I know I have changed too. Do you want to know how?"

Willow nodded her head slightly, waiting for the answer. Tara stroked the beautiful soft cheek that belonged to the woman who had gained all her interest and said, "I know I have changed because I will not be the one who leaves you. I am not going to go anywhere. You found me and now we will figure things out. We will not leave any unanswered questions this time." With those words spoken, Willow reached up, held Tara's hand to her face, wanting to lean over and press her lips against Tara’s but she didn't, using all the will power available, she stopped because if she started, she would never be able to stop. It was not the time. Instead, she brought Tara's hand to her lips and firmly held it to her lips. Closing her eyes, she was lost in the moment, lost with the feel of Tara's hand pressed to her lips. The moment felt right, it felt like coming home.

However, they slowly became aware of their surroundings again as they lowered their intertwined hands and began to check to see if anyone was watching but no one was noticing them. Instead, everyone was arguing the technicalities of the game; specifically, whether or not “Terri” should drink for something that she did not remember actually doing. The one defending “Terri’s” right not to have to drink was Julie. She knew how these games could get and she did not want to see her friend become the target of everyone's curiosity, especially Rhonda's.

"Well, I will reiterate, Terri falls under the pass-out rule. You know the one that says you have to drink even if you were too drunk to remember when someone else in the room remembers." Rationalized Rhonda.

"No way, that isn't right! She wasn't drunk and hadn't passed out. She was in an accident and lost her memory. It's not the same." Julie argued back.

Tara now leaning against Willow, and playing with the redhead's elegant fingers, cringed. She hated conflict and especially now since she was the object of the argument. In this case, the debate had served as camouflage to her and Willow's intimate moment but enough was enough. "Hey, everyone, calm down. It's okay. It's just a game. I'll drink when Willow, or Buffy and Dawn tell me to. I trust them. Let's just keep playing. Maybe I will learn something about myself. Hell, maybe you all will learn something."

The argument was settled, and the game continued with every player having his or her own agenda or inner conflict. Jake wanted to verify that Buffy was straight. He had hit on too many women at Betsy and Julie's parties only to watch them leave with other women. Dave's agenda was similar but directed towards Dawn. He had such a crush on her and wanted to learn everything he could. Dawn hesitated to play the game because she really didn't want to know about her sister's sex life and she didn't want her sister to know about hers. Buffy dreaded learning more about her sister's sex life. She still cringed at the memory of when she had to accompany her sister to the doctor to get a birth control prescription. She preferred living in her little land of denial where her sister was still a virgin and she had just gotten the pills for a friend. Willow was not even paying attention to the game, all her focus was directed towards the hand that she was now holding and stroking. Tara was half paying attention to the game because she was curious to learn more about her past and eager to find out more about Willow. Despite potential embarrassment, she looked forward to the game. Julie and Betsy were on edge, ready to stop the game if there was any sign of stress in their friend's face. Rhonda was just licking her chops, ready to get into the nitty gritty.

Dawn's eyes nearly popped out of her head when Buffy drank to the statement, "I never kissed a girl." She decided that since she could not catch her sister's eyes, she was going to have to take notes and ask questions later.

Then Jake said, "I never kissed a guy." Almost everyone drank and Willow tried to stop Tara from drinking. "No, no Tara, you never kissed a guy."

Tara looked at her and said, "I'm sorry Will, I have."

"Oh, of course you have. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed." Willow's heart was breaking in a thousand places. "That's cool."

"Actually it wasn't very cool. It was during a truth or dare game when some of us where snowed in at the stables and it was really not that great." Tara assured Willow and realizing what she had said, looked across the room at Cal and said, "No, offence Cal."

Cal, remembering the drunken night they had played truth or dare smiled across at his friend and raised his beer to toast her. He was a laidback guy who had always known his shy friend was interested in women. That was the same night he was dared to kiss his current girlfriend. The lack of spark between him and Terri was actually a relief and a confirmation of his feelings towards Sophia. "None taken, dear Terri, none taken at all, Willow it was really more like a science project. A dud of a project and I was the lab rat."

Willow forced a smile to the guy who was obviously not competition. She pushed her jealousy back and tried to focus on the game. Buffy was up and she was a little anxious about what the question might be. There were so many ways that Buffy could get her.

"I have never had sex in the bathroom at the Bronze." Said the slayer, turning to Willow with a smug smile.

"The Bronze, what's that?" Asked Rhonda, annoyed at how Buffy seemed incapable of playing the game properly.

"It's a club in Sunnydale. I guess that is too specific, how about we change that to a club? I have never had sex in the bathroom of a nightclub. Can I do that?" Buffy looked around the room and saw that everyone agreed it was okay.

Willow leaned over and whispered to Tara, "You are going to have to drink with me on this one, you are going to have to drink, a lot."

"I knew it!" Buffy said as she watched the two women at her feet drink. "I so knew it, just wait till I tell Xander, that'll be 10 dollars coming my way!"

It was Dave's turn and he thought he would ask a question that would fall on its face. "I have never had sex in a dormitory laundry room." He was surprised to see that Dawn's friends on the floor drank again. He looked at Dawn and raised an eyebrow.

Dawn just grinned, enjoying the sight of Willow and Tara acting so much like a couple again. "I never had sex in a coffee shop." Again, Willow nudged Tara to drink.

"Did you two not have a room?" asked an unbelieving Amy from across the room.

"They had two rooms but that just didn't seem to be enough." Answered Buffy, proud to finally have her suspicions about her friends’ 'nymph like behavior' confirmed. "They were always sneaking off!"

It was Willow's turn and she was blushing so much that she was afraid her head would explode. Her beer was almost gone and they had only been playing for about ten minutes. She needed a break so she asked a safe question for herself. "I have never had sex in Maryland." She was relieved to see that Tara did not drink. She didn't miss Dawn subtly take a sip of her beer. She would definitely ask the woman who was like her younger sister about that later. But that was the last break that they had from drinking. She had never considered herself and Tara overly daring but they were the ones doing most of the drinking. They had just been in love and deeply into each other. She noticed that there were more empty bottles around them than the others. Hadn't these people ever thought of creative sex? She was definitely on her way to getting seriously drunk.

"I have never had sex in a van," said one of the blurry partygoers.

Willow began to drink when out of the corner of her eye she noticed that Tara was following her lead and starting to drink. "Uh, actually, um, you and I never had sex in a van. Um, I..uh…dated a musician before we dated. He had a van." She saw Tara's jaw stiffen and recognized Tara's jealous look. "But did I mention that when he was my ex-boyfriend and he came back for me and I chose you?" She took Tara's hand to her lips again and lightly kissed it. "Really!"

Tara relaxed, realizing that she was being silly and leaned closer to Willow. The game continued, and they kept facing questions that they had to drink to and reasons to touch each other. Tara was enjoying learning about her past exploits. She could not get over her boldness. She loved watching Willow turn red and give her the drink signal whenever she had committed an 'I never'. She also enjoyed the heat of Willow's breath against her ear as the other woman leaned in to supply minor details sometimes unnecessarily.

"I've never had a multiple orgasm!" Rhonda said.

The room erupted with noise, with people laughing and partners teasing each other, making each other drink. Buffy drank and squirmed as her little sister also drank, she smiled as she noticed how quiet Jake was being. Amidst the noise, Willow turned to Tara, began to drink and then stopped as she noticed Tara didn't take the drink signal and wasn't drinking.

"What's wrong? Why aren't you drinking?" Willow asked, thinking that maybe Tara felt sick. "Um, well, should I be drinking? I mean is this one where we are drinking? Or just you are drinking because of y-your ex-boyfriend?" mumbled Tara looking down.

Willow immediately cupped Tara's face in her hands and looked into those clear blue eyes that made her feel like she was swimming. "This is one where we both drink because of each other, because I didn't know what a orgasm was before you, let alone a multiple orgasm and unless you were faking-"

Tara, red faced, flattered and bitter about being unable to remember, interrupted the redhead, "No, I wouldn't, I couldn't, could I?"

"No, I was just joking, hey baby," said Willow stroking her cheek again, "We were great, really. It's not because you can't imagine me making you feel like that is it?" A suddenly insecure Willow asked.

Tara who was still reveling from being called 'baby' by Willow became immediately serious "No!" She shook her head and again with even more determination said "God Willow, no!" Tara paused unsure of whether she should say what she wanted to, "It feels electric when you touch me." She whispered. Willow's heart melted at Tara's words and her seductive lop-sided smile, and she beamed back at the blonde, and then they drank, they drank all that they had.

The game continued and everyone proceeded to get very drunk, Tara learned more intimate details about their past together. She had drunk more than ever. The room wasn't necessarily spinning but everything seemed to be moving a little faster. Every joke was a little funnier and she was feeling rather confident. At the beginning of the party, she had the first drink hoping it would calm her down since two beers usually put her to sleep. She had never drunk this much, stayed awake and felt so good.

At one point, Tara leaned across Willow to try and count the empty bottles beside them. Instead of counting, her mission was forgotten as Willow let go of her hand and Tara felt the other woman's arms wrap around her. Her head rested perfectly against Willow's shoulder and her hand unconsciously begun to rub Willow's tummy. She could hear the other woman's heart beat increase and was thrilled to know that she was the cause of that reaction. If they had been alone, Tara knew she would have pulled Willow into a tight embrace and kissed her senseless. God how she wanted to! But she couldn't, the room was filled with too many people, too many prying eyes who would enjoy the spectacle and they weren't ready for that. Instead, she let the game fade and the people disappear as her eyes slowly closed and she passed out holding Willow.


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:23 pm 
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11. Fish in the Bowl

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Dibs I love it this story is all coming back to me on why I loved it in the first place............HAPPY TURKEY DAY !


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 3:14 pm 
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32. Kisses and Gay Love
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Hello :)

I just wanted to say that I can't wait to see the rest of the story, and I loved this chapter, sstill love it :)

Thanks :)

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 6:49 am 
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Excellent update-y goodness... It's good that Tara learns more of her past with Willow...

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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 7:58 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

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Thank you for the feedback and we hope everyone had a great Turkey Day!
And now once again a long update or 2.
:kgeek

Update 11/28/07
[hr]
“Well, I guess it’s settled, you all will get the guest room and Jake and Dave can get the couches.” Julie directed, after a long debate on where people would sleep following the party. Originally, Buffy, Dawn and Willow had planned to stay at a hotel. Dave had to work the next day and so he planned to drive back to the school that night. But the party had gone on much longer than expected, everyone lost track of the time and it was too late to leave. Jake lived forty-five minutes away and was in the habit of staying. So, the group spent some time trying to figure out who was going to get the guest room and the couch. Buffy was not comfortable with Dawn and Dave sharing a bed. Sure, she liked to deny that her sister was sexually active but she knew the truth. Her little sister did have a sex life. She just didn’t want to be in the same house at the time. Fortunately, neither Dawn nor Dave pushed to share a bed and it was determined that the sisters would get the guest room.

With the arrangements settled, Betsy suggested the next reasonable move. “Good, we can all get settled then. The only thing we need to do is wake up the two drunkards over there.”

“HELL NO! Don’t you dare!” Dawn responded vehemently. “Let them sleep.” She was shocked that anyone would consider disturbing the two women. If she had a camera, she would have taken a picture of the two women curled up to each other. She could not remember a more beautiful or comforting sight.

Everyone, other than Buffy was stunned by Dawn’s reaction. She found herself agreeing with her little sister so strongly that she moved to place her body between the sleeping couple and the women who threatened to wake them. “They are fine. Just let them sleep.”

“But what is going to happen when they wake up. Terri doesn’t sleep with people she just met. Hell, she doesn’t sleep with anyone. We were the ones who let them get drunk and pass out, we should be the ones who protect them from the embarrassing 'day after - who did I just hook up with' fiasco.” Betsy reasoned. Julie moved closer to her girlfriend to offer her support. The two men in the room, seeing a standoff, which they had no place in, quietly left the room and went to the kitchen.

“But she didn’t just meet Willow for one thing. For another thing, they have spent the whole day together. We never did find out where they were for the hours they were off at the stables. And they are not hooking up. They are just sleeping, innocent cuddling.” A tint of a whine entered Dawn’s voice and she silently cursed it. She had worked hard to kick that nasty whining habit.

Buffy felt another tack was necessary to convince the two women who only had Tara’s best interest in mind. “Listen, they were obviously very comfortable with each other. The Tara that I knew wouldn’t relax that much with anyone but Willow. That is who I see over there. And I know that Willow will not take advantage of Tara or Terri or whatever you want to call her. So, please, just let them sleep.”

“Yeah, but the Terri we know would not be comfortable waking up in a room with two guys passed out in it. She tends to have trouble adjusting to her surroundings when she just wakes up. Sometimes she has horrible dreams and she wakes up screaming. It’s remnants from her accident.”

“I have plenty of experience waking someone up from frightening dreams. I have done it for Willow for the past five years. Why don’t Dawn and I sleep in here and Jake and Dave can sleep upstairs in the guest room?”

“Uh, no, that wouldn’t be good, it is just a full size bed and Jake has issues with sharing beds with men. I think he has a fear that he will discover that he is actually into men. Then he would have to find a new hobby since being rejected by women is his current hobby.”

“Hey,” voiced a protest from the kitchen but everyone ignored it.

“Fine. Whatever. Then I will stay here and reject Jake. Dawn and Dave can sleep upstairs in the guest room.” Buffy said, immediately regretting her suggestion. “But they will sleep, just sleep.”

“OF COURSE WE WILL SLEEP!” Furiously whispered Dawn, hoping Dave did not overhear her sister’s chastity speech. “What do you think I am, a slut? Besides, Dave is probably not even interested in me. We are just friends.”

“Friends my ass, that will last about five minutes,” teased Julie.

“Hey!” Protested Dawn, then considering what Julie had said, seriously asked. “Do you think he really likes me?”

The other three women replied at the same time, “YES!”

“Cool!” Dawn’s face was lit up with a huge smile and then she looked at each of the women and asked, “Are we all okay with letting them sleep? We can even keep one of those lights on really low so that if they do wake up, they don’t panic.”

Seeing that this was the best answer to a standoff that could last all night, everyone agreed to the sleeping arrangements. Only one of them was really comfortable with the arrangements.

*********

“I just don’t know what is going to happen. I want to be happy for her. I want to think that everything is going to be okay but not really changed. The thing is that I feel like they are not telling us the whole story.” Julie explained to Betsy as she gave voice to her apprehension. The two women had passed out pillows, showed rooms, pulled out the sofa bed and cleaned up. Now they were lying in bed, letting the events of the day sink in. “There is no doubt in my mind that they are good people who love and care for Terri. I just wonder what they are not telling us. Do you know what I mean?”

“You know I leave the psychoanalysis to you but I trust them. I am not sure why but I do. My thing is that I am afraid to lose Terri. What if tomorrow, she announces that she is moving out to California? We should be happy for her. Right? Well, I’m not that big of a person. I will just be profoundly sad.”

“I know, baby, I know” Julie hugged her partner close as she spoke. “I am glad to know that you trust them. I guess we just have to trust Terri. Trust that she will make the best decision. I hope Willow doesn’t rush her. I hope she doesn’t get hurt. I feel like her parents in some ways because she has always been so innocent.”

“Julie dear. I would never use the word innocent to describe Terri. Even when she was in the hospital, it was obvious that she had an old soul who has seen a lot of ugliness in this life. And as I have learned more parts of her past, I have realized how strong she has always been. I am just glad that she had such happy moments with Willow and really knew love. You know, we gave her a home and a family but she has always given us strength and support.”

“Don’t tell me you can’t psychoanalyze, doctor.” Cooed Julie as she moved even closer to her lover and began to kiss her neck.

“But Jules, I do have one question.”

“What’s that?” Asked Julie between kisses.

“Why haven’t we ever had sex in a club or coffee shop? Are we that old and boring?”
----------------------

The sound of loud snoring, in stereo, brought Willow out of her drunken slumber. Her first instinct was to find out what demon was making that horrible noise. She then identified one of the sets of noises to be Buffy’s snores. She was amazed at the fact that another person was capable of equaling her best friend's snores. As she tried to figure out who the other snorer was, she felt the woman lying in her arms begin to shift. It was then that she became aware that she was cuddling with Tara. It felt so natural that when she woke up, she wasn't even conscious of it. She mused to herself that Tara woke up the same way she did when they used to sleep together, slowly and beautifully. Knowing that the loud duet from the other sleepers roused her sleeping partner, Willow softly whispered. "It’s okay, that noise is human."

Giggling despite being groggy and disoriented, Tara whispered back, "I recognized Jake's call of the wild but who else is in here?"

"That would be Buffy. You didn’t know that such a small person could make so much noise did you?"

"No, I didn’t." Tara said as she began to wake up more. With the realization that the room was slightly spinning and her mouth was watering, she tried to push herself away from the woman who had been so lovingly holding her. Willow instinctively tightened her hold, resisting the end of the cuddling and Tara began to apologize "I’m sorry, I need to get to the bathroom. Fast."

The urgency in Tara’s voice sprung Willow into action. "Of course you do, I am so sorry. Come on. Let me help you up." They both sat up and she pulled Tara into a standing position. Upon standing up straight, Willow was also greeted by the sensation that the room was indeed spinning. She staggered a little and felt Tara’s hands grip her waist to steady her. How typical for them. She was trying to help and Tara ended up saving her. "Thanks, standing up quickly, not a good idea. Oh my, is it just me or is the room really spinning fast?" Willow knew they needed to find the bathroom immediately. She led them out into the hallway and realized that she had no clue where the downstairs’ bathroom was located. She froze and panicked, "Wait, where is the..."

"Over there," Tara pointed towards the tiny half bath under the stairs, with the door camouflaged by wood that matched the staircase. Forgetting her usual need for modesty, only considering her upset stomach, Tara pulled open the door and knelt down by the toilet and prepared herself to heave. Willow, also feeling the threat of losing the contents of her stomach, clutched the edge of the sink as she knelt. Together, the two women sat, waiting with dread and also hope to throw up and find relief.

After about five minutes, Tara leaned away from the toilet against the back wall of the bathroom. The sensation of the spinning room had slowed down to a gentle rocking that she could tolerate without losing the contents of her stomach. She began to consider the situation. She was in the bathroom with Willow, who was also unsuccessful in finding relief. "I thought I was going to be sick but I guess not. Ugh, I cannot believe I drank that much beer and I can’t be sick. Not that I want to be sick but I do because maybe then the room would stop with the spinning and rocking. I really have to say, spinning rooms are bad."

Willow, pushed away from the sink and sat down on the floor, leaning against the doorframe; she looked at Tara with an amazed smile and reached over taking her hand. It was a very small bathroom that barely had room for one person. Occupied with two people, sitting on the floor, took up all the available space in the room. It gave them an excuse to touch legs as they sat across from each other. Instinctively, they began playing with each other’s fingers, folding and unfolding their grip. Willow forgot about her upset stomach, she could not get over Tara’s cuteness. She had never heard the other woman babble quite like this. "Wow, this is new. You have picked up the fine art of babbling. I never thought I would say this to someone but I could listen to you talk about puking all day. It is amazing, you’re cute even when you are talking about puke."

"Hey, who are you calling cute. You’re the cute one. I’m just awkward girl with no name, a.k.a. Terri, a.k.a. Tara, a.k.a. lightweight drunk. I love how you hair is curling up on the ends. How come bed head only makes you look better? I don’t think it is fair.” Tara desperately wanted to run her fingers through those curls. She was definitely feeling well enough to check Willow out.

"Hey missy, don’t change the subject away from the cuteness of you by distracting me with one of the greatest frustrations of my life, my hair. I think you are so cute that I don’t know what is keeping me from leaning over and kissing you." Willow realized what she had said but hoped that Tara would just write it off as the continued effects of the alcohol. She didn’t want to pressure the other woman and silently, she chastised herself for taking the conversation in that direction.

Tara sobered up and suddenly wore a very determined look on her face, with a shaky breath she said, "Well, obviously, I am not cute enough because something is stopping you." Before Willow could protest, she held her finger up against the other woman’s lips. "But nothing is stopping me." She began to lean closer towards Willow, moving her hand away from Willow lips and lightly tracing the face that was so familiar to her heart. She peered into the eyes that she was beginning to believe held not just her past but also her future. Inch by inch, searching for the answers to her empty memory, she edged closer towards those red lips. "I need to know what your lips feel like against mine," whispered Tara as she watched Willow lick her own lips. She took that as a sign that her kiss would be welcomed and she slipped her fingers through the curls she had longed to touch.

Taking a deep breath to steady her heart, Tara tilted her head to the side, closed her eyes and prepared to meet her target. She felt the amazing sensation of warm, luscious lips meeting her own. Soft and gentle were words that might describe the precious reconnection of two lost souls. Her body felt as if it was being immersed in warm water, as if she was floating and disobeying the laws of gravity. Her stomach did flips and this time they were not caused by the alcohol. She wanted, no she needed more, so she lifted her other hand to cup the side of Willow’s face and pulled her closer. The kiss intensified as their hunger grew. Willow’s hands embraced and stroked her face. Feeling her lips dance with Willow’s took Tara to a different plane of existence, one where names didn’t matter. At that moment, memories had no significance. The only thing that really mattered was the connection she had with Willow through this kiss.

Tara wanted it to go on forever but then she noticed that her hands were dampened by tears, tears from Willow. She pulled away to take a better look at Willow, who had tears streaming down her face. It broke her heart. She lightly kissed away the tears even as new ones formed. She kissed Willow’s lips lightly a few times and then pulled the woman towards her, holding her to her breast, rubbing her back and rocking the vulnerable woman back and forth. Patiently she waited for the tears to ease. They sat like that for a quite a while as Willow silently cried. Tara prayed that she was not the reason for the tears but knew that truthfully, she must have been.

"I’m sorry, " sniffed Willow, picking her head up off of Tara’s breast and taking in a shaky breath. "I didn’t mean to cry. I just didn’t think this would ever happen again. I had started to give up on ever finding you of... of...of ever finding this again. I never thought I could feel this whole and real again. I’m so sorry and now, my apology is making things worse. Did I mention that I am sorry? I didn’t want to pressure you. I know this is just a kiss and you are still drunk, I’m sorry. It just felt so good. It feels so good to be with you and I cannot imagine being away from you again. I’m sorry, I now that I am pressuring you and I don’t want to. I’m really sorry."

"Shhhh, no more sorrys. It’s okay. Shhhh." Tara pulled Willow back into her arms, "Shhh, You can cry. Tears are good. They don’t scare me. The only thing that scares me is the thought of hurting you. Did I move too fast?"

"Oh, no, Tar... you didn’t move too fast. I have wanted to kiss you since the first moment I saw you at the stables. I have dreamed of kissing you for the last five years. Those dreams were all I have had to live for." Willow watched Tara’s expression change from panic to regret. "Oh, I didn’t mean to sound so pitiful. I have a great life. I have the most amazing friends. My parents and I get along pretty well as adults. We have actual conversations and they have finally gotten Buffy’s name right. I have a job that challenges me, fascinates me, allows me to travel and pays me well. I am okay. Don’t pity me."

"Pity you, why would I ever pity you?" Puzzled Tara.

"Because I am all with the tears and stuff."

"Will, one more time, no more apologies. You have these memories of us and I am this stupid blank page. I mean a part of me was even hoping that when we kissed, I would wake up like the princess always does in the fairytales but that was pretty unrealistic. It’s not fair of me to pin all my hopes on an amazing kiss. I don’t pity you. I envy you; I envy even your pain because it makes you who you are. I admire you. I can tell that you have been hurt many times in your life but you live with it, you grow from it. You are not frozen in time. You have not suppressed your life. You face your past. I am just this empty..."

"No, that is so not true. I spent two years of our relationship running from my past. Oh, if you knew the things I did. Well, you will know but before that talk, promise me that you are not going to degrade yourself anymore. You are not empty. You are so full of life and hope. You were the one who taught me that it was okay to skip through the park if you were happy, to wear flowing, tacky clothes if you liked, to just love life. Tara, you have always been so filled with life. You never gave up and you still haven’t. You have always worked with what you have and never denied who you were. You were always this amazing beacon of strength and hope and you still are. I can see that just by seeing you, Julie and Betsy together. Please, don’t put yourself down to make me feel better."

Clearing her throat, Tara suggested, "Okay, I won’t if you don’t either. Deal?"

"Yes, deal."

"Good, then I believe we were talking about you and your tears. Please help me understand why kissing me, doing what you have dreamed about for the last five years makes you so sad."

"Persistent as always. It’s like, when you find your passion, you don’t want to ever lose it. I lost it, I lost you, but I never forgot what I lost. And now, here you are again and that kiss, it was so wonderful. It brought back all the wonderful feelings that I had buried, because it reminded me of everything I had missed. But that kiss, oh, that amazing kiss we just had, it takes me back to the beginning, to our first kiss. I just feel so overwhelmed."

"Our first kiss, please tell me about it."

"Well, we had been friends for a little while when I came over to your room on the spur of the moment. I was always doing that. I was always showing up on your doorstep at odd hours. This appearance was especially obnoxious because it was really late and I had made plans with Buffy and Xander without inviting you. But, I was in this ugly stage, the `selfish, poor me, my friends ignore me, my boyfriend left me, and college is not what I expected stage. I was quite intolerable, just downright obnoxiously annoying." Willow remembered this time when she was not proud of her behavior. "As always, you welcomed me in with open arms. You let me rant and rave, pout and whine. The entire time, you just sat there on the bed watching me pace and listening to me moan. You would have let me hold the pity party all night. Fortunately, I started to listen to what I was saying and was shocked at myself. I was doing to you what I had been complaining about other people doing to me. So, I stopped and sat down on the bed beside you, took your hand and looked you in the eye and asked, ‘why did you let me run on like that? Why didn’t you remind me that I am an ass and tell me to shut up?’”

"And?"

"And you looked away from me, you looked everywhere but at me. I begged you to look at me and when you did, I asked again. ‘Why do you let me treat you like this?’ And you said, oh my heart still breaks when I think of your response." Willow took a deep, steadying breath. "You said, ‘because as long as you talk, you stay here' Ugh, I was so into discovering my inner lesbian that I did not even follow the hints you offered about your life before college. I still kick myself for not trying to understand your fears and insecurities until I almost lost you. That’s another story; we are talking about the first kiss now. Anyway, I responded; ‘Of course, I am here. This is the only place I really want to be.’ I meant that, you made me feel amazing and safe and confident and I’m sorry, back to the story, you couldn’t look at me after I said that. Later, you explained that you were afraid that you would scare me away if I knew how intense your feelings were. You were hiding behind your hair. You did that a lot and I asked you, ‘Tara, what do you want to do?’ And you just shrugged. I asked again and again and again. Finally, you looked at me and said, so softly that I could barely hear you. ‘I want to kiss you.’ It was at that moment, I noticed that your eyes were not just pretty they were stunningly beautiful. It was at that moment that I really noticed how sexy and kissable your lips were. It was at that moment that my heart was beating just for you. I was so into the moment that I didn’t think of the repercussions. I just said, ‘then please kiss me.’"

The thought that Willow had gone blindly into their first kiss made Tara uncomfortable. She had to ask, "What repercussions?"

"The repercussions of what that kiss would mean. Before that kiss, I had been in a relationship with a man that I thought satisfied me completely. I had been able to write the crushes I had on women off as cases of hero worship. I didn’t have to delve into the sexual side of my feelings until that first kiss."

"And how was that first kiss?"

"Well, you leaned over and ever so lightly, touched your lips to mine. Damn, that kiss was just like you, a light breath of air on my lips and then you moved away. You looked me in the eye, waiting for rejection. I just wanted more. I needed more and you saw that so you kissed me again, a little more firmly. Oh that kiss." Just thinking about the kiss sent Willow into a different place, a different time.

"What about that kiss?" Tara felt as if she was being teased.

"With that kiss, I finally understood why I had lips. I mean, yes, without them, food would fall out of my mouth, I wouldn’t be able to drink from a glass or straw or blow a bubble or whistle but that is not why I was born with lips. That night I realized I was born with lips so that I could kiss you. That was the only reason I had them. All other lip functions were just diversions from their true purpose."

"Wow, I think I can relate to that now." Tara said as she thought of the remnants of the kiss they had just shared still lingering on her lips. "What happened after that first kiss?"

Willow smiled at the memory, "We spent the rest of the night just kissing. After all, we had nineteen years of not kissing each other to make up for. We just spent the whole night kissing. I slept through every class the next day and that is something I had never done before. It was with that kiss that I first began to understand myself. It was as if at that moment, I had the answers to every question I had ever wanted an answer to."

"Wow, what was the answer?"

"Don’t waste your time figuring out this question, you could be kissing Tara instead." Willow jokingly answered. "No, I am serious. I was obsessed. All I wanted to do was kiss you. It was always on my mind. I could feel the remains of your kisses on my lips in class. The thought of those kisses was so distracting that I had to hold my hand over my lips just to focus on the class."

"And now?"

"Now I want to kiss you again and again and again but it would never be enough. But now maybe my dreams of your kisses won’t be so vague anymore."

Tara leaned ever closer, and asked. "Why do you need to dream? I am right here." She desperately wanted to feel Willow’s lips, her tongue, her body. She ached from wanting it all and could not understand why Willow was not acting the same way.

Willow leaned in and lightly kissed Tara on the lips. "Not yet. When I kiss you again, I want to know that there is not an end. I can’t believe I am saying this but the stakes are just too high to screw this up. We are both still drunk. The thought of kissing you and finding out that it was just a drunken hook up would kill me. It would destroy me."

Willow watched Tara’s facial expression change from hopeful to embarrassment over being rejected. "Please no, I mean, please, this is not a rejection. It is a promise for more. I want to kiss you and never stop. "Realizing the words were not enough, she leaned over and smothered Tara’s lips with her own. She delivered a searing kiss that went on and on. It expressed the love and passion that she felt for Tara. When Willow finally pulled away, she leaned her head against Tara’s forehead and peered into her eyes. "Okay, I mean it this time. The next time we kiss, I don’t want to stop but now, we stop, regroup and even sober up a little. Okay?"

"Okay," resigned Tara, accepting but not liking Willow’s need for time. "Maybe we should um, get out of this bathroom. If we stay cramped in here, I may never be able to walk."

Willow, being closer to the door, stood up first and offered her hand to the musing Tara. "Hey, what are you thinking of?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about talking to Betsy and Julie about enlarging this bathroom."

"Why, how much time are you planning to spend in it?" Willow asked.

“Well, it seems that we spent a lot of time in bathrooms when we were together before. I figured we could use the space. "Tara teased. "Oops, that slipped out, it must have been the beer."

Willow’s jaw dropped after hearing Tara’s subtle spicy talk. She had really improved her technique in the past five years. As she followed Tara into the kitchen, she tried to think of a cleaver response. "Actually, smaller bathrooms forced a lot more creativity."

"Did we need creativity to make it exciting?" Countered Tara. She couldn’t believe she was being so bold. She knew it wasn’t the alcohol. It was Willow. With this woman, she felt sexy and confident and willing to take risks. She felt comfortable to voice the thoughts that she had always kept to herself.

"Nooooo, but sometimes we needed each other so bad that, well, creativity was necessary."

"Sounds interesting," said Tara as she opened the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of water. "How about we take our trip down memory lane to the bedroom? " Willow was in shock. She couldn’t believe that Tara had so matter-of-factly just asked her to bed. Tara recognized Willow’s deer in the headlights look and realized how her statement could have been misinterpreted. "Willow, I didn’t mean that to sound that way. I just meant we could keep talking and maybe get some more sleep. Oh no, that must have sounded like a cheesy pick-up line and that is so not what I meant. I just meant, well, we don’t want to go to sleep on the floor with all that snoring. That is all I meant."

Willow started to laugh as she realized how she had misinterpreted the statement. She knew her embarrassment equaled Tara’s. "I understand it’s my fault. Bad dirty mind." She smacked the back of her own hand to show her penance. "It was just we were talking about bathrooms and creativity and then you mentioned your bedroom and then my mind went there and I panicked and this is very odd, don’t you understand that I am the babbler and you are the strong beautiful silent type?" She was rewarded for her observation by a beautiful, relieved smile from Tara. "Of course we can continue this trip down memory lane in the room that happens to be where you sleep. Heck, its not like we haven’t slept together twice today. I mean that literally! Oh, you know that. Come on; please lead the way. "
[hr]
“Yours was the kiss that counted. The one that mattered. My life before me undone. This would be the kiss that counted. The one that shattered my defenses. Bringing me emotion and devotion." ~ Catie Curtis


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 Post subject: Re: Coming Back
PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:56 pm 
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2. Floating Rose

Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 6:03 pm
Posts: 22
Location: NJ
Update continued 11/28/07

"Next birthday, remember that I am too old for this kind of partying.” Moaned Betsy as she sat at the kitchen table holding her head with both her hands, her elbows propped on the table. “As a matter of fact, next birthday, forget it. I am too old to pay attention to it.”

Julie rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's hangover complaints and set down a glass of water in front of her. This was the same conversation they had every time Betsy drank more than two glasses of wine. She went to get the bottle of Advil for her partner and poured out three caplets. It was definitely a three-caplet day. She never remembered a time when Betsy could actually hold her alcohol. She was relieved that Betsy had come straight into the kitchen without doing an inventory of the living room. Otherwise, she would have noticed that the spot where Terri and Willow had been sleeping was now empty. She tried not to worry. “Well, for your next birthday, we will have a nice sedate tea party. Maybe we can all learn to play bridge and eat those little cucumber sandwiches. That’s what people do when the turn thirty. Even bingo will probably be to wild for you.”

Betsy snorted at Julie’s comment. “Not a chance, my grandmother used to have those bridge parties and those ladies spiked their tea. Oh no, I won’t even be able to hang with old ladies!” She took the Advil and downed it with a glass of water that was sitting next to her.

“Well, maybe we should start looking into a nursing home for you.”

“Water, please,” begged a staggering Buffy as she entered the room. She sat down at the table across from Betsy and held her head in a similar fashion. Julie, seeing her services were needed again, reached for the Advil and poured a glass of water for the newcomer. “So, who is going into a nursing home?” Asked Buffy.

“Betsy, she's just getting too old,” answered Julie as she passed a glass to Buffy. She hoped the other woman would not mention Terri and Willow’s absence.

“Well, save a room for me. I think I will be right behind you. I feel as if I have been dropped on my head.” Buffy gratefully accepted the pills and swallowed them down with some water. “Thanks and ugh, it hurts to talk. Ouch, it even hurts to think.”

Simultaneously, the two hangover victims set their heads on the table and proceeded to quietly moan in pain. Jake came into the room with a tired but hopeful look on his face that quickly faded. “Damn, I heard the moaning and I had hopes. One of these days though...Hey Julie, is there any coffee?”

“It will be ready in a minute.”

“Good, so where did Terri and Willow go off to?” Jake asked innocently.

This question made Betsy forget about her pain and she abruptly sat up a looked around the room. “What do you mean, 'Where are Terri and Willow’?” They should be in the room with you. Remember, we agreed that you would watch them. Where did they go Buffy?”

“Hey, I said I would sleep in the room in case Tara woke up and was scared. I did not say that I was going to be a chaperone.” Buffy said as she stared down Betsy.

“Honey, I am sure they just went to sleep in Terri’s room. They probably were woken up by Jake’s snoring.”

“Hey, I wasn’t the only one snoring. You should hear Blondie snore. It actually woke me up.” Jake said as he looked over at Buffy.

“Well, I am sorry if being in bed with you makes me sleepy,” retorted a defensive Buffy.

“Stop it,” broke in Betsy. “Julie, hon, could you please go check on Terri?”

“Yeah, while you're at it, could you check on Dawn and Dave? She might think I was being the over protective sister.”

“No, I will not. No one is going to check on anyone. Hello, this is a house full of adults, there is nothing to worry about so just go back to your moaning and I am going to find something to feed you all.” With that said, Julie went to the refrigerator and began to look for some appropriate hangover food. Betsy, knowing her lover was not going to bend just laid her head back on the table and began to moan softly, Buffy followed suit.

*********

Willow woke-up feeling something that she had not felt in a longtime. She felt lust. She felt as if her body was on fire. She was so aroused that she could not think straight. She knew why she felt this turned on. Tara was laying half on top of her, in the same position that they had fallen asleep in. But in their sleep, what had started as rather innocent cuddling, had become much more intimate. Tara had rolled onto her stomach and her breast was pressing on Willow rib cage. One of Tara’s thighs was firmly planted between Willow’s legs; the thigh was nestled close to her center that was wet. She hoped that Tara could not feel or smell her arousal. She had managed to be so strong the night before despite wanting Tara so desperately. She reminded herself that she wanted all of Tara and that she didn’t want to just be an experiment. Willow knew what it was like to be with Tara body and soul and she could not allow herself to settle for less.

Even with her good intentions and strong resolve, Willow knew that she would not be able to resist Tara this morning. Not if the other woman started to kiss her neck and move her leg. Not if she began to nibble at her ear and massage her breasts. Not if she rolled on top of her completely and pressed their lips together in a passionate kiss. Willow knew that she could not be able to resist Tara if she looked her in the eye and just uttered the word, “baby.” She would be helpless to the other woman’s passion. She would just give in and the promise of giving in made Willow even more aroused. She held Tara tighter to her as she felt her begin to wake up.

For Tara, waking up meant facing memories of the past day. Her foggy, sleep deprived mind began to review the past day. She remembered the first moment she saw the redhead, the walk to the Willow tree, the time her hands spent touching Willow’s lovely breast, the party and “I never” game. Then memories of passing out in Willow’s arms and the kisses came back. She remembered how she had thrown herself at Willow and how she continued to push the redhead. Any peace that Tara had felt waking up in Willow’s arms was lost. She realized the position that she was lying in, the location of her leg and the feelings of arousal. She remembered how she had pushed and been pushed aside and was afraid that now, Willow would think she was trying to seduce her again. How could she have presumed to end up sleeping in Willow’s arms? She quickly rolled away from Willow as wave after wave of panic and fear hit her.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you going to be sick?”

“Nnnno,” stuttered Tara as she tried to hide her red face behind her hair.

Willow sat up and tried to move closer to Tara. “Then what's wrong? Did I do something wrong?”

“Nnnnnn, I mean, no,” Tara took a deep breath and forced herself to look at Willow. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was just remembering last night and I am sorry about, um, about you know.”

“No, I don’t know what you are talking about. Please tell me.”

“I am sorry about being so um... forward with you. I have never been like that before. You know, so forward.”

“Forward with me? You were not forward with me. Last night was wonderful. More than I could have ever hoped for. Every moment I spend with you is wonderful.”

“Yeah, but I messed it up by kissing you and trying to push for more. You must think I have become some kind of slut. I’m not, you know. I just.”

Tara was going to say she was just drunk and really not interested in her. Although it broke her heart, Willow decided to let Tara off the hook and not be the one to blame it all on the alcohol. “No, it’s okay. I know, we drank a lot and you were drunk.”

“Drunk? No. I mean yes, I was drunk but that was not what I was going to say,” stated Tara. Feeling the need to move away from the intensity of the conversation, she stood up and went to the window. She busied herself by checking the leaves of the fern that hung in front of her.

“What were you going to say?” asked Willow. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the beautiful woman in front of her, waiting, knowing that what Tara said next could determine their future together. She braced herself for the worse. Tara still did not speak and so kindly but insistently, she repeated her question. “What were you going to say?”

Still examining the leaves, Tara finally answered the other woman. “I was gong to say it is just that I wanted you so badly. Damn, I want you so badly is more like it. I have never felt this before. It scares me.”

Before she knew what she was doing, Willow jumped up, went across the small room and threw her arms around the blond. It was a joyful hug. The redhead was laughing and rocking a bewildered Tara back and forth. Without realizing the reference, Willow mimicked Sally Field’s Emmy speech and spoke in the other woman’s hair, “You want me, you want me, you really want me.”

"You want me. You really want me," repeated Willow as she hugged Tara and rocked from side to side, taking the other woman along with her in the rock.

Despite her shock at being so enthusiastically hugged by Willow, Tara did not pass up the opportunity to run her fingers through the silky red hair that tickled her nose. Stifling her nervous laughter, Tara pulled her head back so that she could gaze into Willow's green eyes. She wanted to be serious; she needed to be serious so that she could get her point across.

"Of course, I want you. I don't go throwing myself at just anyone." Quirking one eyebrow up in a questioning manner and asked, "At least for the last five years I haven't gone around throwing myself at other women. Did I make a habit of it before then?"

"No, you definitely were not the throwing yourself around type."

"Well that is good to know," laughed Tara. "I would hate to think that I had completely changed. I like consistency." She found her hands instinctively pushing Willow's hair out of her face.

The mood changed as the two women looked into each other's eyes. "You haven't changed," whispered Willow.

Tara wanted to move in for a kiss but she remembered Willow's need to wait. She remembered that Willow was waiting for her and she realized that she could not do anything that would hurt the other woman. So regretfully, she slid her hands down Willow's arms and took her hands. For what felt like the one-hundredth time, Tara mused to herself about how comfortable she felt with this relative stranger. "Wow, it would be so, um easy."

"I know," answered Willow as she squeezed Tara's hands. Desperately, she considered something to say to fill the silence that had formed a necessary division between them. "So, Sunday morning, uh, what's the plan?"

"Oh no, it is Sunday." Tara responded in such alarm and panic that the other woman was taken by surprise. "Damn it, its Sunday. Awe, shit. What time is it?" Tara asked as she turned around to check the small clock that usually only served as decoration in her room. "No, damn it, damn it. It's ten forty-five, how the hell did I sleep so late? I never sleep in so late."

Puzzled by both the uncharacteristic language of the blond and her frustration, Willow suggested, "Well, it might have something to do with the fact that we were up half the night."

"I know but I never oversleep, even when I've had only an hour of sleep." Tara began to pace. "Damn it, church!"

"Well, that has been my opinion of church at times but I never heard you speak like that." Quipped Willow. She was concerned by Tara's behavior and wanted to lighten the other woman's mood.

Tara stopped pacing and turned to face Willow. "No, I mean, I was supposed to be at church by ten o'clock."

Silence fell across the room. "You, you, you," stuttered Willow, not believing that the cause of Tara's frustration was missing church. Willow remembered long ago conversations, YOU were supposed to be at church?"

"Uh, yes, that is something some of us do, go to church. I sing in the choir."

"The choir," responded Willow as if Tara was speaking in another language.

"Yes, I sing in the choir, well it is not really a choir, there are only five of us but yes." Tara began to become annoyed at the look of bewilderment that Willow was giving her. "Why are you looking at me like that? Did I suddenly grow another head?"

"No, because you are in a choir. You are going to church. You cannot do that. You practice Wicca."

"Not that I remember." Reasoned Tara.

"But church, church as in a Christian church?

"Yes. Why?"

"Because you never went to church and the church is so oppressive towards us."

"Towards us; like you and me? When?" Asked Tara.

"Not just us but all gays, Wiccans, anyone who chooses to lead a different life than is the norm."

"Well, maybe some churches are like that. Maybe there are ones that get it wrong but my church is pretty cool. I mean, I'm not a member but I have attended for almost three years. They aren't pressuring me to do anything I don't want to. They don't shove their beliefs down my throat. They just let me be me. Let me talk to God the way I want to. It's nice. People are loving and accepting and they have become my family. We support each other as we struggle to live justly in this world. And they have no problem with me being gay or anyone being gay. I actually discovered this church because a couple of friends of mine had their Commitment ceremony there. It’s nice and I like the music and the space and the community."

"But it’s church and you are a Wicca."

"Willow, I might have been but I have no understanding about that faith." As she spoke, Tara unconsciously crossed her arms across her body as if to shield herself. "I'm sorry it is such a strange concept to you but I haven't found many places that don't pressure me, that let me just be but this church is one of them. They don't ask me questions I can’t answer. They just let me be there."

Hearing the alarms in her head that warned her not to push the conversation anymore Willow tried to amend her reaction. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so surprised." She wanted to respond in a better manner but she couldn't forget the night Tara described the church of her childhood. It was the night after she had discovered Tara's fear of being a demon. She could still remember the feel of the pillowcase on her cheek as she laid on her side next to her love. As she stared at the bed that the two had shared the night before, she remembered every moment of the conversation they had many years before. As if to literally smooth over the tension, she began to make the bed as her mind went back to the past. The night of hushed conversation, tears, and tender, sweet love.

"You have been holding out on me." Willow tried not to sound harsh. She wasn't angry but she was intent on getting her girlfriend to talk. "I understand that you have been afraid but now I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not doing a good enough job expressing my love for you. I am afraid that you don't trust my love for you. You have to know, baby, that I love you completely. You have to know that." With those gentle words, she began to softly stroke the face that she adored.

"I know. It is just sometimes I cannot believe it. I used to be afraid. No, that's not true. I am still afraid. I am so afraid of you realizing that I am not the woman you love. I am afraid that if you get to know me, you won't even like me and I will lose you forever."

"But honey, if I don't get to know you, I can't love you completely and that is what I want. I want to understand why you get sad when you think of home. I want to know why you wake up shaking at night and why sometimes, you're afraid to let me touch you. I want to know everything; I want to know these things because as I said before, they are a part of you. Wonderful, sweet, amazing, beautiful you. You are special. You don't need to hide. It's safe here. You are safe with me," assured Willow. "I want to be able to give you what you need but right now, I am just guessing. Please, talk to me."

Tara turned to look the love of her life in the eyes. Willow could read the conflicting emotions that crossed Tara's face. She recognized fear, anger, disgust and shame. Part of Willow wanted to kiss away her fears but she knew that Tara needed to face her past. She knew that she had to hear it so she patiently waited for her girlfriend to continue.

"My mother always practiced Wicca. Her Mother & Grandmother passed it down to her. We could actually trace it back in the generations of women. They knew how to pass it on. They did it in secrecy. Much of what I was taught happened in the kitchen when my father thought I was getting cooking lessons. She was very careful to never let him find out how much she practiced."

"Why, didn't your father know that she practiced Wicca when they got married?" asked Willow. "That's one of those questions that you don't think to ask your parents when you are young. You don't think to ask them why they are together or why they disagree. You just accept what you are told. I guess you think there will be time later. That is one of the tragic things about losing a parent when you are young, you never get a chance to get your questions answered." Tara stopped to think about all the questions she would have liked to ask. Her eyes and thoughts traveled to a far off place and Willow simply waited for her to return. "I am sorry. I didn't mean to space out. Where was I? Oh yeah, did my father know about my mother's faith before they were married. I think that he did but I believe they agreed that we would be raised in the church. I think my mother thought it wouldn't harm anything."

"And did it?"

"Well, I'm not sure. It would have been strange for us not to go to a church. My hometown was small, really small. Church is just one of the things that you do. Faithfully. It's required, no matter what you really believe. No, they don't take attendance but they notice those things. And my parents didn't start off in the proper manner for this small town."

"What do you mean they didn't start off in the proper manner?"

"Well, my mother was pregnant with Donny when they got married. And yes, that is the kind of thing that happens all the time but from what I have heard from my family, my father went straight from being a rebel to a wanna-be saint. He never cared a bit about my mother's faith before they got married. He didn't care about church either. But then he started working, found that as his role in the church grew, so did his business and his reputation. It was the thing to do."

"That is so different from here. I mean people go to church for weddings and funerals but we mostly go just to get holy water."

"Yeah, well my home was a place different than anywhere else. And my father was never much for moderation. He takes everything to extremes. We went to this conservative church that talked about hell and damnation. We would parade in every week like we were the Cleavers. My dad would sit between my mother and me and if I started to slouch, he would pinch me so hard that I would have a bruise. I was expected to be perfect. I had to make him and the family look good. Donnie would sit on the other side of me and he would pinch me just to be cruel. Literally, I would have bruises from him the next day."

"I wish I had another shot and that butt head. I would have so given him a thing or two to think about." But even as she talked big, Willow leaned over and gently kissed away the shadows of past bruises on Tara's arms. "Go on, baby."

"Well, there is not much to tell. We would go to church every Sunday, get a good dose of fear driven into us. Fire and brimstone stuff. I learned that I was damned to hell for so many different reasons that by the time I became aware that my attraction for women was counter to the church I didn't really care. I already had my ticket to hell according to the preacher. He was a character. He would get into a sermon and start to spit, his head would get redder and redder and he would start to shout. I used to wonder if he was going to explode."

"That sounds scary."

"It was. It would have been a lot scarier if I hadn't had my mother. She explained that there were different ways to worship than the way we did at church. The church we went to always seemed to be about limits and rules. She taught me that there were no limits with the God and the Goddess."

"Wow, did you feel as if you were living different lives. Church and Wicca?"

"Not really. I mean, my mother helped me to find ways to relate to the God they spoke about in church. She taught me amazing lessons about our world and human kind that could be found in the Bible. She tried to teach me to see the church, my life and my world through the eyes of someone at peace. She taught me that judgment comes out of fear. Attack comes out of fear. Peace and comfort come out of love. She tried to get me to see things with love. See that the crazy red-faced preacher was afraid of something, that my father was afraid of something. Of many things."

"Wow, she sounds amazing. And it is true. You do look at the world like that."

"Well, I try but it seems like after my mother died, I gave into the fear. I have been ruled by fear ever since. Fear of the demon. Fear of my father. Fear of losing you. Fear of being alone. Fear of everything."

"You don't have to be afraid of me." Whispered Willow.

"I know. Thanks. I'm not lost with you." Tara paused as she considered what she would say next. "My father did not find out I practiced until after my mother died and I began to constantly practice in an effort to get closer to her. He was so angry. He actually called the minister to come over and talk with me about the evils of witchcraft. He started in about the demons, hell and sin. I had thought his sermons were long. His talks were horrible. The minister suggested to my father that I spend time with his wife and her prayer circle. They were even worse. They talked about living morally. They would have Bible lessons centered on the importance of righteous living. They had no problem teaching their daughters to be subservient to their husbands or having the men in charge of everything. They had no problem following those oppressive laws literally as long as their gossip time was not infringed on. They were such hypocrites. We would have an hour Bible study and an hour of gossip. It kind of reminded me of the campus Wicca group but instead of being into women power statues, they were into punch recipes."

Willow shuddered at the thought. "It sounds horrible."

"Well, it’s over. I don't want to dwell on it. I am now free to practice my faith. I am free to be me. I don't ever have to set foot into another church. I don't ever have to sit through another sermon if I don't want to. Oh Willow, I am so happy to be free."


As the memories of that conversation continued to contrast to the current conversation she was having with Tara, Willow tried to hide her thoughts. She tried not to panic at the thought that Tara had changed so much. She tried to keep her insecurities down. She tried to hide her grief. Grief was what she was feeling. The impact of Tara's memory loss hit her completely at that moment. Not only had she lost her lover, she had lost her teacher. Tara had taught her so much about Wicca. She had taught her the difference between witchcraft and the Wiccan faith. The fact that Tara was faithfully attending a church now made her realize despite their amazing connection, things had radically changed.

Tara watch Willow helplessly. She could see that the other woman was troubled but she didn't understand why. She didn't understand why the mood had so rapidly changed. This morning had been a roller coaster of emotions so far. Things were up and down to fast and she was at least responsible. She had to reach out. She had to make peace. "I'm sorry, Willow." She went to the other side of the bed and began helping to put the bed back together. "I didn't mean to snap. I didn't mean to get so defensive. I just don't understand, I don't know what you really mean when you say that I practice Wicca. Please explain. I mean, I know enough about the faith to know that you don't wear pointy hats or carry brooms but that's it."

Willow began considering how she was going to explain a faith that she did not really learn until she became involved with Tara. She had studied Wicca but she had been more focused on magic and the spells. She had begun in the manner that any good scientist approaches things. She initially chose the parts of the Wicca that she liked and left the rest out. It was Tara who had taught her the importance of balance. Now, she was called to be the teacher. "Well, let me tell you a little more about yourself. But um, do you need to go to church?"

"No, I missed it. Gary will get over it." Reading Willow's questioning look, Tara went on to explain. "He's the choir director. He will be excited to know that I missed the service because I was in bed with a beautiful woman."

"Well, this is really a different church."

"I guess. I mean it is the only one I know. Like I said, I started going when two of my friends had their Commitment Ceremony there. I love the people, the music and the peace. Plus I have been told it is a great place to meet single women."

"What?"

"I'm joking, Willow, just joking." Tara then boldly answered. "I do have friends who have met their partners at church but that is not why they went. And I haven't been looking. I think I have been waiting for you."

"Wow." Responded Willow, fighting the tears of joy that instantly came to her eyes. Savoring the light mood in the room, Willow began to relax and she became aware of her nagging hunger. "Hey, since you are playing hooky from church, maybe we could sneak out of here and go get breakfast somewhere. We could drink lots of coffee and just talk. I will try to explain everything and you can tell me more about your interesting church."

"That's a great idea. I was dreading having to face the inquisition in the kitchen. Do you want to borrow some clothes, they will be baggy but they will be clean."

"Great."

*************

"You know Julie, you don't have to make breakfast," said Betsy as she began to think of the other options. "After all, don't we have the world’s best pancake chef living right under our roof?"

"Ooh, pancakes, genuine Tara pancakes are the best. I wonder if they are still the same." Buffy's mouth began to water at the thought. "There is only one way to find out. Come on, let's go get her."

"No, we can not go get her!" Responded Julie.

Betsy immediately began pout and turned her blue eyes towards her girlfriend. "Come on, don't you want pancakes. Terri-funny shaped pancakes that melt in your mouth and are so good you practically don't have to use syrup. Don't you remember how..."

"Okay, yes, pancakes would be wonderful but we can not just go up and demand pancakes. We can wait till she gets down here."

"All right, you're right. That makes sense. We will just wait here until she comes down but we can help her out by getting the pan and bowls out for her." Betsy continued to scheme. "You know that she would never let one of us cook her pancakes. She can't stand our pancakes. If she sees that we are making them, she will insist on cooking and we will not even have to resort to the pouty face."

"Although Dawn does have world's best pouty face," Buffy offered. "I could go get her just as insurance. She wouldn't mind being woken up if it means that she gets Tara cakes."

As the group schemed and prepared the scene that would inspire Tara to make pancakes, they began to rush about the kitchen when they heard footsteps upstairs. "I hear footsteps, they are coming down. Yippee, pancakes." Betsy said as she got out the ingredients. Her hangover was forgotten with the promise of her favorite breakfast.

The group prepared to look casual as they heard the footsteps that they recognized to be the master chef. Giggling and shushing each other as the prepared to look busy, they heard another sound. They heard the front door open and they all looked at each other with panic in their eyes. They heard the saddest news of the day. Tara's voice calling out, "Hey everyone, Willow and I are going to breakfast. See you in a couple of hours."

The mood of the room completely dropped. Betsy was the first to express her disappointment. "No, I wanted pancakes. It's the day after my birthday and I should get pancakes," she whined.

"Ah, poor baby," sniped Buffy sarcastically. "I have been denied Tara pancakes for five years, I don't want to hear your whining."

"Yeah, but it's not your birthday," countered Betsy, suddenly remembering her headache.

"It's not your birthday either. Yesterday was your birthday. It's time to take your crown off." Replied Buffy.

The two were inches away from a long drawn out argument about who was suffering more from pancake deprivation. The electronic ring of a cell phone interrupted them.

"Oh, that's mine." Buffy got up to get her out of her purse. The rest of the kitchen became quiet. They heard the one sided conversation. "Hey Anya, how are things in Sunnydale. What? No. When? I told you just to wait... Yes, I know that you care... Yes, I remember that she was going to be in your wedding... Of course, I know that you were friends but we are trying to take things slow... No, she doesn't remember anything... Yes, she and Willow are together now; they went for breakfast... because Willow was planning to visit Dawn this weekend. We couldn't lie to her... No, we haven't had that much of a chance to talk... No, not yet... What, Anya, you are breaking up, I am loosing you. Where are you?... BWI? Now? How?... Well, I know that anyone can buy a ticket but I thought we explained to you to wait... Okay, yes, I know... I'm at her house now... No, wait, I'll ask but just know that I am not happy about this... Okay, hang on."

Buffy looked around the room guiltily and clutched the phone to her chest. "I am so sorry. This is Anya and she claims to be Tara's best friend. She is my business partner and she flew out here on a red eye. She is at the BWI Airport and she will not give us any peace until she sees Tara. Can anyone give her directions? I am really sorry."

"No problem," answered Julie as she reached for the phone.

Buffy pulled the phone back away from Julie. "I should warn you that Anya is very odd, extremely pushy and stubborn but she rarely means any harm."

"It's okay Buffy. I'll give her directions." This time, she successfully took the phone out of Buffy's hand and began to speak into it. "Hi Anya, I'm Julie. I'll give you directions."

As Julie went into the other room, Buffy started to prepare Betsy about her business partner and friend. “The anti-cure to a hangover is Anya, I just want to you warn you all of that. She never learned to how to be tactful. What she thinks comes out of her mouth and some of her thoughts are pretty scary.”

“Okay,” laughed Becky, enjoying that this woman obviously got under Buffy’s skin.

“But I also don’t want to give you the wrong idea. She really has a good heart. She can be a good friend and she will do anything for the people she loves. She and Tara were very close.”

“Really, why? Anya sounds like the opposite of Tara.”

“Oh no, Anya wasn’t the anti-Tara, the anti-Tara was this girl named JFK who tried to get with Willow after Tara disappeared. She never succeeded.” Realizing that she was adding unnecessary information, Buffy went back to the point. “Anya used to date Xander, Willow and my best friend. They almost got married until he got cold feet and ran out on the actual wedding. Not one of Xander’s stellar moments.”

“Yeah, that’s not exactly classy.”

“We always thought Anya just put up with us to be with Xander but after the almost wedding and she got over her initial anger and hurt at the world, the relationships that she worked to maintain were with us, especially Tara. They always seemed to keep an eye out for each other and when Tara disappeared, Anya started taking extra care of Dawn. She tried to step in for Tara and even if the way she did it was a very awkward imitation, her concern was genuine.”

“Well, I can’t wait to meet her.”

“Yup, it’s going to be interesting. She sounded kind of fired up on the telephone. Dawn’s going to wait for her outside and hopefully she will be able to diffuse her a bit.”
[hr]
"So I'll sing of love and truth and try to practice what I preach. If I can't change the world, I'll change the world within my reach. What better place to start than here and now with me and you” ~ Catie Curtis


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