The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:27 am 
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19. Yummy Face
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Great update-y goodness... I really hope that Tara could get Willow back soon...

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 4:28 am 
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32. Kisses and Gay Love
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Hello Lifty,

This is a wonderful story. It makes me cry everytime.
And your little drawings are great. Funny and nice. :)

Spike is always here for the others, that's nice. :)

Thanks :)

Friendly,

Julia :)

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:10 am 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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Again I say that was beautiful. :sob I love to see Spike helping the Scoobies mostly Tara but...
Quote:
“She’s gone bird, that’s it. Willow sure as hell won’t be coming back”

Let's PLEASE prove him wrong on this statement... please :aww

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 6:37 am 
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10. Troll Hammer
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ok, wow.

First, aww Colbie C, cute song. That one makes me think of Willow and Tara too. But now you made it all sad! Can you make it happy again, please?

What a cute cute scene from back in Season 4. You emparted the sense of nervousness, innocense, naievte, and excitement all in one without overdoing the dramatics. Very sweet and nice to see them together in various periods of their relationship.

Flashbacks are always so good at making the pain hurt even more. And you did it really well.

This hurt me real deep:
Quote:
He knew that there was a chance the spell wouldn’t work, that Tara wouldn’t be saved, and that Willow had taken that risk just to end the pain.


I never thought of what Willow did that way, but now that you said it, I believe it to be entirely true. It didn't matter if the end of the world was coming. For Willow, it was already over. So. freaking. sad. I'm aching, here!

I'm just a little not sure of the timeline: how long has it been since Willow died? Has to be a little while cause Faith is in the picture, but I'm not quite sure how much time has gone by.

Either way, Tara is still hurting pretty bad. And so am I.

This hurts so good.

And what is in the box? I am so so curious!

Good luck at school, I know how busy it can be. Thanks for a great update :)

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:39 am 
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12. Recently Gay
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You know, I'm gonna stop reading the reality section ;-)

Quote:
But I don’t want to die alone Willow.

People aren’t meant to die alone. We are born, we live life, we enjoy privacy. But when it’s time to leave, we never want to do it alone because we are scared of what happens after, what comes in the space between taking your last breath and the unknown.


I cried my lamps out reading this one, and I'd only wiped them after the present. Spike telling it like it is, no bullshit or mawkish sentimentality, I hope Tara takes some of what he said on board cos I really want to know what's in the package.

The past scene was just lovely, with the sneaky peeking and the growing attraction :sigh

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 2:03 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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I seriously can't get over how much your fic is affecting me. Perhaps because I know and have a love so grand, and the thought of it being taken away... {{shiver}} "Saving Myself" Is brutal and beautiful, and I'm completely hooked. Lucky for me I wear waterproof mascara.

Quote:
...Tara blushed slightly when she saw a picture of her and Willow they'd taken last week in the college grounds, amazed that the redhead had already had it developed.


Oh, wow. That was wonderful imagery. I'm right there with them in dorm -- both of them adorable, akward season 4 Willow and Tara.

Quote:
Spike nodded and shrugged his shoulders, "I know, but you still have me. I'm not getting any older.


Spike always was a great joy to have around on the show (except in season 7 when I hated everyone except for Faith), and you're using his great character-ness here perfectly. He's pretty warm for an ex-cold-blooded killer, isn't he? And his interaction with Tara here is solid gold.

Quote:
"I dont want to get over her."


This is it -- the trigger phrase that got my eyes to well up this update. Maaaan, I don't want her to get over Willow, either. I don't want a Willow gone to get over, period.

And this parcel... Such intrigue. I can't even imagine what it is. I'm trying. Really hard. Still, nothing. So yay on suspense!


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 7:12 am 
I still nurture the same point of view about the ''Reality'' sections. They are the most valuable pieces of your writing – you capture the poignancy of Tara's grief really well. At times, true difficulties lie in integrating others' losses into our personal life schemas and I'm unsure whether it's owing to the love we already have for the primary couple or your presentation style, but contrary to what was aforementioned, the emotions of your characters feel tangible...and that's a special reference to the interaction scene between Spike and Tara.

How did you come across the idea of portraying life, death and the mourning process for the scoobies in this particular way?

Also, I'm looking forward to unravelling the mysterious contents of the box.

Good luck with your studies Lifty,
Vi

P.S: I had some difficulties in getting my bearings at first with The Shoebox Project. It's such a myriad of letters and personality depictions...but the concept is certainly noteworthy, thanks once again for the reference ('',).


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:07 pm 
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3. Flaming O

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wow this story is so intense adn emotionaly charged. I really hope it ends happily for Tara and Willow.

Update soon.

~Em


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 4:22 am 
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5. Willowhand
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Hey guys, I am so incredibly sorry about this massive delay I've got going on. I'm having a bit of trouble lately, not with the writing, but with other stuff, and it has stopped me from giving this story the attention it needs. Plus, I have to write a screenplay for a two hour long film, which i havent even started, and it's really difficult. So the next chapter might not be up until another 5 days or so. I'll let you know closer to the date :) thanks for leaving such great feedback. I appreciate it so damn much, and for all those lurkers out there, i love you too! You guys are wonderful. I'm making myself tearful...but seriously.

Zampsa1975:

Quote:
... I really hope that Tara could get Willow back soon...


Hmmm, im not so sure about soon, but they will definately! Thanks so much!

JujuDeRoussie

Hey Julia,

Thanks so much for the feedback. I'm sad that I'm making you cry, but also happy if you get my meaning?

Quote:
Spike is always here for the others, that's nice.


Yeah, spike is being nice for once :) it's refreshing to write. Hope you enjoy next chapter when it eventually comes lo :p

MsKittyB

Hey! Thanks for stopping by :)

Quote:
Let's PLEASE prove him wrong on this statement... please


Indeed, spike does often get things wrong so you might be lucky. Plus i have promised endlessly to bring Willow back, what kind of person would i be to deny you that? Lol! Hope you hang around for next update!

cheers

Zooeys_Bridge

Hello there!

I like colbie c's stuff most of the time, and this one seemed to suit the song. Glad you approved :p

Quote:
you make it happy again, please?


Hmm, im think this sad stuff is getting a bit much eh? I must be turning you all into depressed little munchkins with my gloomy words and so forth. My sincere apologies.

I love flashbacks i must say. We spend most of our lives reliving moments from the past. Memories are powerful things, how they change our perceptions of each present moment. Our experiences are important to who we are as people, as they are important to this story, so thankyou for acknowledging this :)

TO answer your question, it has been a year since Willow died, and so the scoobies are somewhere towards the end of season 6. Change i have made are that Faith came back earlier, sometime after Willow's death, and the Nerd Trio never happened. Hope that makes it a bit clearer.

School is a pain in my ass at the moment.

The box shall be opened next chapter!!\

cheers!

Paint the Sky

Please, whatever you do, dont stop reading the reality! I promise to make it a bit happier if i can! It's an angsty story, I'll give you that :)

Quote:
I cried my lamps out reading this one


did you get new lamps? Cos you'll probably need them :p

Thanks for reading (the whole thing :p )

cheers!

katjetson

hey,

Quote:
I seriously can't get over how much your fic is affecting me. Perhaps because I know and have a love so grand, and the thought of it being taken away... {{shiver}}


You are so lucky to have something like that. Cherish it.

i watched a bit of season 4 the other day. It's funny how awkward things were, between all the characters.

Quote:
Spike always was a great joy to have around on the show (except in season 7 when I hated everyone except for Faith)


seriously? Why did you dislike everyone so much? I just felt sympathetic towards Buffy in season 7, not sure why.

Willow will return! Only you guys know that, and Tara doesnt :p

Thanks for the FB!

nimloth

Hey,

I'm really glad you like the reality sections. Someone has threatened to stop reading them, lol. Glad you liked spike's conversation with Tara. He was a no nonsense, fair dinkum character. I recon he'd be the kind of person I'd like around, minus the vampireness :p

Quote:
How did you come across the idea of portraying life, death and the mourning process for the scoobies in this particular way?


I just started writing the story, didnt really plan anything, and it turned out that this was the way it worked best. You like?

Thanks Vi!

p.s again, Shoebox is well worth the read. Glad you liked!

em317

Welcome!

Update is unfortunately not as soon as hoped :p

Thanks so much for stopping by! Glad you enjoyed the story!

Cheers

Lifty.




Well. that's it for a while guys. Hope to update soon! Enjoy everything!

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Saving Myself


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:34 am 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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Hey Lifty,
Okay every since the last update some thought has been fling threw my head.
Quote:
“What?” Tara replied.
“Open the parcel. See what’s inside.” He smiled sadly and stood up, stretching his limbs.

It's the parcel is'nt it?! The parcel is what's going to bring Wilow back!? I totally have no clue what's so ever, but it's a thought. Oh can I have one question answered. Does it have anything to do with the parcel?
Till the next update (In which I cant wait for :D)

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:29 am 
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12. Recently Gay
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Hey Lifty!!!

I must say I love this story!!!!!! It's ACE!!!!!!!!!!

I hope Willow comes back to Tara soon. Don't know if she'll be able to get by without her.

What's the parcel????

Can't wait to find out!!!

Please update soon!!!!!!

XX Rachel XX

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Wishing Peace, light and love to everyone.
Tara: 'Can we just skip it? Can, can you just be kissing me now?'
Tara: 'I am you know' Willow: 'What?' Tara 'yours'


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself (updated...31 jan)
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 7:35 am 
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2. Floating Rose
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Okay, so I was lurking around looking for a fic I hadn't read yet when this one jumped out at me for some reason...

I am impressed by the fact that your story line is not usual in this particular forum.

I am also impressed by how your words flow together so well. They pulled me in in the Prologue and I can't help but to love this story. Albeit, sad as this story has been so far, I hope there is an ending which will rejoin these two soul mates.

At the moment, my best guess is that Tara is going to bring Willow back (as she didn't die a natural death, but rather a mystical one). I'm also thinking that whatever is in the parcel the Rosenberg's gave to Tara may just be the key to Tara coming to terms with Willow's death.

I noticed your last post to this was January 31st and I hope it wasn't the last post because I would really like to see where this goes. And, can I have the pleasure of calling "DIBS" on the next chapter?

I look forward to the next update

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Amber: "Hi I'm Amber... and this is (referring to Adam Busch)...

Me: "I know who he is... (scowling) He's the guy who killed your character."

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:19 am 
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5. Willowhand
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Hey guys, ummmm, this isnt an update but more of a telling you why there has been a HUMUNGOUS delay on the next chapter of this story (and why there is likely to be more delay). I've come to a period in my life where I have to place all my priorities on my studies, because if i fail to do so, my future looks quite bleak. This story is always in the back of my mind, and i feel really bad for failing to update and whatnot, but there just isnt time. There probably wont be another update until later this year, maybe even early next year.

Yes, i give you permition to stone me.

Lifty

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Saving Myself


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:21 am 
Well, from a personal stance, that's all right Lifty. And no, no stoning at all lol. It's a well-thought out and well written story and justice could be given to it only when your heart and head are both merged towards this unique goal without any other preoccupations. I'll certainly regret not reading any more of it for such a long time but anticipation is pleasant. Best wishes for your studies and in life.

Vi'


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 3:56 am 
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5. Willowhand
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Long time, no update...Enjoy!


Lifty


~.~.~.~.~.~

Chapter 4

~.~.~.~.~.~

Tomorrow Is a Long Time

If today was not a crooked highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn’t such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could only hear her heart a softly pounding
Yes and only if she was lying by me
Then I’d lie in my bed once again

I can’t see my reflection in the water
I can’t speak the sounds to show no pain
I can’t hear the echo of my footsteps
Or remember the sound of my own name

Yes and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could only hear her heart a softly pounding
Yes and only if she was lying by me
Then I’d lie in my bed once again

There’s a beauty in that silver singing river
That beauty in that rainbow in the sky
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love’s eyes

Yes and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could only hear her heart a softly pounding
Yes and only if she was lying by me
Then I’d lie in my bed once again

~.~.~.~.~.~

The Past

There’s a moment in every person’s life when they experience pure happiness, the simple joy of living. It’s not like when they find their true love, or they win a million dollars for no good reason.

This happiness is of a different kind. It has no catalyst. It is not the result of a chemical reaction.

It’s the feeling Anya gets when she looks at her money.

It’s the feeling Buffy gets when her mum gives her a hug.

It’s the feeling Xander gets whilst doing the snoopy dance for Willow on Christmas Eve.

It’s the feeling Spike gets when he discovers a cigarette after thinking he’d finished them.

It’s the feeling Dawn gets when she looks through her sister’s photos.

It’s the feeling Giles gets when he takes that first sip of scotch in the evening.

It’s the feeling Willow gets when Tara looks at her.

It’s the feeling Tara gets when Willow looks at her.

No one can experience it continuously. It comes and goes at the strangest of times. Like, you could be sitting on the toilet, and suddenly you feel like jumping for joy or giving someone a hug. A stranger can smile at you as they pass you by, and immediately you feel like giving the next stranger you see a big smile, or shaking them warmly on the hand and buying them a drink.

It kind of gets passed around from person to person, until every single person in the world has received a moment of pure, unblemished happiness. Like a domino effect.

No one knows how it started. Maybe there was a cloud one day in the sky which looked happy and then some guy saw it, and it just grew from there.

You know when you’re feeling it because you get this tingle that travels from your toes upwards, right into your face, and then PING! You’re smiling and you don’t know why.

Tara was having this exact feeling as she sat, with her back against a tombstone in the sunlit graveyard of Sunnydale.

“What are you so happy about?” Anya asked her from where she was sitting, also leaning against a tombstone.

“Nothing.” Tara just grinned at Anya and continued playing with Willow’s hair. The redhead had received a large amount of hair styling gel from Dawn for her birthday, and to make the girl happy she’d put some in that morning. Well, some was the understatement of the year. She’d put in a lot, probably like triple the amount you’re meant to put in. So now Tara was having a great deal of fun pulling her hair into different shapes.

“Fine, well I hope you haven’t been looking at my money. Although, I do like you, so it’s ok if you find pleasure in looking. Feel free to look anytime!” Anya grinned, and stared off into the distance, probably daydreaming about fondling her savings. Then she added, “But Willow’s not allowed.”

“That was nice of you An, but do you remember what we talked about before? How Willow is my friend and you should be nice to her too?” Xander took a long swig out of the water bottle and gave Anya a warning look.

“Yes, yes. Be nice to Willow, include her in everything, otherwise she wont give me money.” Anya looked at Xander proudly, and then grinned at Willow, who at the time looked like a spiky pineapple. Anya tried not to giggle.

“Yes, well that’s part of it.” Xander shrugged his shoulders in defeat and then looked around. “Where’s Buffy?”

“Oh, I think her exact words were, ‘if Dawn doesn’t give back my ham sandwich I am going to crush her’, and then she ran away.” Willow tried to catch her reflection in Tara’s sunglasses, but the blonde craftily averted her head.

“Ah, so the Dawnster’s on the run then?” Xander laughed, “About time.”

Willow laughed, yet again trying to see her reflection. “Well, the thing is, I stole the sandwich earlier as a joke. You know, just fooling around.” She made as if to sit up, but Tara’s hand ‘accidentally’ brushed against her boob, and she lost her footing, falling, once again, into her girlfriend’s lap.

“Baby,” Tara pressed her hands into Willow’s hair, leaving an imprint, “Now Buffy’s chasing after Dawnie for no reason. I don’t think she’ll be too happy.” She traced a love heart into her girlfriend’s hair, and smiled when it stuck there.

“I know. Do you think I took it too far?”

“I think you better get running Will, cos Buff aint giving you no head start. A slayer needs her food.” Xander winked at his friend.

“Yeah, Buffy’s going to squish you like an ant.” Anya yawned, stretching out on the blanket. “Actually, I did make this guy ant sized once, and then I squished him. He was so small you couldn’t hear the screams.”

Xander laughed uncomfortably. They were all silent for a moment, enjoying the peaceful afternoon atmosphere. Tara smiled down at Willow who was gripping her thigh gently.

“I know! Why don’t we just stick the sandwich here,” Willow removed a very squished sandwich from the pocket of Tara’s bag and placed it carefully in the middle of the blanket, “and say it was there all along?” Tara looked at her girlfriend in shock and began searching her bag for more hidden goodies.

“How about you tell her, because we are not getting involved in this.” Xander edged away from the sandwich slowly.

~.~.~.~.~.~

“For the last time I didn’t take your sandwich, and why are we having a picnic in a graveyard?” Dawn’s voice floated across the tombstones to the four friends, causing Willow to collapse quickly back into Tara’s lap, trying to look unsuspicious.

“One, you know I really don’t believe you, and two, we are having a group patrol tonight, hence the preface picnic. Anyway, it’s about time we had an outing with the Scoobies.” At this moment Buffy and Dawn appeared, moving towards the group on the blanket.

“But in a graveyard? Couldn’t you have chosen something slightly more morbid?”

Buffy punched her sister in the arm lightly and sat down next to Xander.

“I’m hungry. No one told me that chasing my annoying sister was part of the agenda.” Buffy folded her arms and stuck out her bottom lip, “I want to sell her. Maybe to a chicken farm.”

“Oh and thanks, that’s gonna bruise later.” Dawn glared at her sister and sat on the other side of Xander, who now sat stock still.

“Heck, what’s with all the stunned mullets?” Buffy looked around at the group, not noticing how Willow’s eyes kept drifting to the middle of the blanket because she kept staring at her ridiculous hair, which Tara had shaped into quite a convincing dolphin.

“Hey Will, how’s about you turn Dawn into a rabbit? Kinda suits her, same twitchy nose and annoying hopping habits.” Buffy grinned evilly.

“Why would she do that? Why?” Anya looked around the group nervously, sending small, frightened side glances in Willow’s direction. No one answered her.

Xander leant forward to get the water again, but decided against it when both Summer’s sisters glared dangerously at him.

“Well isn’t this just fun?” He exclaimed, “But I think a bit more tension is needed, so I can bring out my big old sword and cut it.” He laughed and wiped his brow nervously.

“But your big old sword is mine!” Anya pouted at her boyfriend.

“No, this is a different sword honey.” Again, Xander laughed awkwardly, but neither Buffy nor Dawn showed any sign of smiling, so he decided to shift the blame somewhere else.

“By the way Buffy, Willow stole your sandwich!”

And as Buffy leapt towards her, Willow couldn’t move. Her gel had finally dried, sticking to Tara’s hands.

~.~.~.~.~.~

The Present

It was five o’clock in the afternoon. Tara sat silently at her desk. Her thumbs twiddled furiously. Her knees jigged up and down. Her hands shook. Her breath quivered, and it was all because of the rectangular shaped parcel, wrapped in brown paper and tied with a small string which lay on the desk in front of her.

After the funeral she had taken the parcel, taken the godforsaken memories, and stored them away in one of the lower draws of the desk. She had locked everything far away, deep in the recesses of her mind, deep in the shadows of her room. It should be their room, she should have been sharing it Willow, if only things had been right.

This object, this parcel which the Rosenbergs had given her, held something in it that was Willow. It held the very essence of the redhead, down to the end of the tattered piece of string, and the worn corners of the brown paper. On the underside of the parcel a bit of the paper was tearing away, and slowly she fingered it, happy to just sit there. Tara couldn’t understand why the small object reminded her so much of her lover. For some reason she thought, that if she opened the parcel, it would be like opening up everything she had been trying to put behind her. It would be like opening up Pandora’s Box, but it was her box, Willow’s box, and the little wisp of hope would eventually disappear.

Still, like Spike had said, it was progress.

And now she sat there, face to face with the thing which would change everything, forever. If she opened this parcel, she would somewhere be shutting the door in her mind, the gaping entrance in her heart which had forever been open for Willow.

It was scary. Tara was shaking terribly. Images of Willow ran frantically through her mind as she tried to remember every single moment she’d spent with the redhead. Every emotion, every expression on the girl’s face, every word she had ever spoken, every time she had ever touched Tara, held her hand, run her fingers through her hair. Everything about the redhead which had existed.

Outside heavy sheets of rain fell on the garden, making the grass glisten. A sudden wind ran through the area, causing the open window of the bedroom to slam shut. Tara jumped at the sound, her breath coming in short, sharp gasps. She had forgotten to breath.

Hesitatingly she reached out, her hand tracing the knot of string. Slowly, with careful movements she undid the string, letting it to fall to the floor, curled up in a small, brown pile. For an instant her hand wasn’t resting upon the stiff brown wrapping of the parcel, it was resting on another hand, smaller with freckles, Willow’s hand, and in that moment the redhead brought her fingers to stroke softly across the back of Tara’s hand, comforting the blonde.

Tara blinked and the image went away. It was such a small thing, yet it had given her strength. She felt that somewhere the redhead was watching her as she sat there at the desk, and Willow was smiling, wanting her lover to finish opening the parcel.

Tara inhaled deeply and brought her fingers to dip beneath the edge of the paper, pulling it away gently from the objects beneath. The mixture of Tara’s heavy breathing and the sound of the paper peeling away were drowned out by the rain falling on the roof.

Tara could smell Willow.

She carefully removed the paper from beneath the contents of the parcel, dropping it on the floor beside the string. It landed silently.

On the desk sat a couple of things. Firstly there were a few envelopes, each labelled with a black pen. A small, blue stone fell out from between the envelopes, and Tara brought her hand up to stop it from going over the edge. She held it gently, her fingers running over the smooth surface as it rolled between her fingers. Holding it up to the light she saw the stone flash from a deep blue to a bright, turquoise colour.

Putting down the stone she picked up the next object, saving the envelopes for later. She felt tears coming to her eyes when she saw what she held in her hand. The cool metal heated slightly against her skin and she traced her fingers around the edges of the jewelry. Slowly she slid the ring onto her finger, smiling as it nestled against her skin perfectly. The silver dragon wrapped itself around her finger, the silver flames curling delicately into her flesh. She watched as the small creature blurred slightly through her tears. She had given Willow this ring on their one year anniversary. It had been too big for the redhead’s hand but she’d insisted on keeping it anyway.

Tara smiled, leaving the ring on her finger as she reached for one of the envelopes. There were five in total. Four were small white envelopes, but the one she was holding was larger, and bulkier than the others. She turned it over to read the label. It said Tara in small, black letters, and Tara traced the words on the paper. She knew that handwriting like the back of her own hand. It was Willow’s.

Tearing off the top of the envelope she reached inside and pulled out a pile of different sized photos, held together with a small elastic band. Carefully she rolled the elastic band away from the shiny surface, and brought her eyes down to look at the first photo. The colour had faded significantly, and for a moment Tara didn’t recognize the small, long-haired youth who stared back at her. The redhead looked so young. She looked like she’d been caught, a deer in the headlights as she stood there, her hair reaching past her shoulders, eyes peeking out from behind it as most had fallen in her face. Tara was looking upon a part of her lover she had never known. This Willow from high school, she was shy, scared, she didn’t look anything like the confident, quirky redhead she knew. Tara smiled when she saw the small pile of pens on the table beside the girl, all colour coordinated, side by side. It was the same Willow.

Placing the photo carefully to the side she looked at the next one. It was another image of the young Willow, this time looking more confident as Xander’s arms was flung across her shoulder and Buffy sat next to her. Willow looked happy in this photo. Tara smiled and also put it to the side. One by one she went through the images of her lover, each photo making her think more and more about the dead redhead. This was like the final goodbye.

By the time she had finished looking at the photos, over and over again, it had started to get dark and the rain had not relented, rather it had grown into a fully fledged thunderstorm, sending flashes of light through the room from the lightening outside. Tara yawned and stretched her arms above her head. She could feel her body aching from sitting still for so long and stood up to turn the lights on in the bedroom. It made everything look happier, more alive.

She felt drained, as if looking at those photos had tired her out more than any form of intense exercise could. Beneath the two remaining envelopes sat something she hadn’t noticed earlier, a small black diary. Tara had seen it before, it was what Willow used to write in during Scooby meetings and so forth. She’d bought it after Joyce died, determined to record everything in it, but that hadn’t lasted too long. Tara picked it up, the two envelopes sliding off and onto the desk. The hard, velvety cover of the book looked old, and Tara brushed off the dust which had settled on its surface. She opened the front cover, flipping through the pages. It was full of Willow’s writing, mostly science notes and demon information. A few spell instructions were written in here and there. As she reached the last few pages she saw something that caught her eye. The last entry was addressed to her.

Tara felt her heart flip, and she shakily put the book down on the desk. The date entered at the top of the page made her shiver. Willow had written it the day before she died. The words were surrounded by a delicately drawn border of tiny symbols. Tara never realised Willow could draw so well. She studied the tiny images briefly before reading the entry.

~.~.~.~.~.~

Dearest Tara,

My beautiful Tara.

I’m looking at you right now and I feel myself falling in love all over again. You don’t know I’m here because you’re asleep, and I’m not sure you would recognize me anyway. But I love you baby, I love you so much. What Glory did, doesn’t change anything.

I still love you.

If you’re reading this then I’m happy, because it means I saved you. It means Glory is dead. And I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry if you’re reading this without me there. I know I promised to be around forever, to stop you from falling.

I want you to try really hard Tara. Shut your eyes and forget everything around you. Forget where you are. Forget you’re holding this diary. Can you feel me? Because I’m there baby, with you.

I just wanted to make sure you were ok Tara. I know that after your mum died you did some pretty stupid things to cope with it. It’s going to be hard Tara, but I’m telling you this. If you stop caring about yourself, if you stop living life to the full, if you let that beautiful light go out then everything I did would have been in vain.

So you can’t let that happen.

I want you to do something for me. If my parents gave you the right parcel, which I’m hoping they did, then there are five envelopes in there, one is for you, but the others are for the rest of the Scoobies. Could you pass them on baby? Do it in your own time. When you feel ready.

There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t have the time. We’re meant to be going to the Magic Box in ten minutes and I just spent all afternoon watching you.

You are so peaceful.

To think that this is one of the last times I’ll ever get to look at you.

I’m scared about tomorrow. I’m afraid of what will happen if it doesn’t work. Everything’s happened so fast. It feels like I just found you and then suddenly you’re taken away.

I know I’m going to die. I’ve prepared myself for the end.

You have to go on living Tara. I don’t want you to hold on to me forever. You have to move on, find someone else, someone who makes you as happy as you made me.

I left the house yesterday and tasted the air in my lungs. I know you’re going to be ok.

There are very few things that make me as happy as you make me. Maybe one of them is knowing that I make you this happy too.

I never thought I would ever find someone like you. You have made me whole Tara. You were all I ever needed and all I will ever need. This world is nothing without you in it, so that’s why I need to do the spell, so that the one person who should be on this earth is. They don’t need me anymore, Buffy and the others. They have you.

When you look up into the sky at night-time, I’m that little cluster of stars, next to the big pineapple. I guess you could call me a tomato.

I love you.

Your little cherry tomato

Willow

p.s get rid of my damn clothes Tara! Make some room for yourself!
p.p.s I love you
p.p.p.s You just rolled over, I think you said my name.
p.p.p.p.s I love you
p.p.p.p.p.s I wont be gone forever. We’ll see each other again when the rain begins to fall.


~.~.~.~.~.~

She was a bit confused by the last part. It could only have meant when she herself died.

Tara dropped the diary, her tears already smudging the ink.

She ran out of their room. She ran away from the memories.

She left the house.

She ran down the street into the stormy night of Sunnydale.

She didn’t notice the last entry of the diary, the words mingled with her tears, glowing.

~.~.~.~.~.~

The Reality

I need to get this down. I need to be honest with you. When Glory took my mind I wasn’t completely unaware of what was happening. Yes I was trapped inside the cell of what could only be Glory’s twisted mind, but sometimes, I guess when Glory let down her guard, or when she was weak, sometimes I would return to myself, if only for a second, and see you.

In Glory’s mind I was alone. The cell had one window, and it looked outside. I was trapped on this pinnacle of rock, surrounded by a raging black ocean, and the sky was so dark. There were no stars. There was no light. It was always dark.

I would sit there Willow, and cry and cry, and voices would speak to me in the dark, telling me things. Horrible things. And then creatures would come out of the walls, and I couldn’t move because ropes held me down. And the creatures would crawl all over me, and just when I thought they’d gone, they’d come back again and burrow under my skin.

I was so alone. Even the ocean made no noise.

So can you imagine what it felt like in those moments when I would return to reality? If only for a second?

It felt like dying.

I saw your face once. You were crying. Another time you were asleep. Another time I saw Anya looking at me. I felt your hand and I heard Giles’s voice.

And sometimes I saw this light. It was beautiful. It shone in the darkness, and it sang to me. How I wanted to reach out and touch it. So pure.

But the last thing I saw before you saved me? Your face as you spoke to Glory, before you did the spell.

And when I woke up in the hospital bed, surrounded by the white walls, I thought I must have truly died.

_________________
If you're gonna get up, you might as well get up with me - Tegan and Sara

Saving Myself


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:23 am 
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Yay for good update-y goodness... So Willow is coming back after the rain?

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:41 am 
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I'm sooo in love with the this story! :blush

Thanks for this wonderful update.

I hope you find some more time to write, with you being busy and all!


:kgeek

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They crash around me.."


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:02 pm 
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Omg, that actually made me cry!

And I was laughing just before about this:

“I’m hungry. No one told me that chasing my annoying sister was part of the agenda.” Buffy folded her arms and stuck out her bottom lip, “I want to sell her. Maybe to a chicken farm.”

Such a Buffy thing to say! You're very good at that ;D

Thanks a lot for sharing this with us!

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:45 pm 
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Good god, I've just shed a river of tears. Literally. This story is so poignant and beautiful and gosh... it makes me wildly emotional.

Thank-ness for this hint of optimism: "I won't be gone forever. We'll see each other when the rain begins to fall."

I'm trying to re-read some of this for ace quotage, but my eyes just keep welling up thinking about Willow's promise of being with Tara forever.

Ugh. I need more tissues...


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 1:20 pm 
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I hope the fact we have an update to this fabulous fic means that things are going better for you, and doesn't a year pass quickly on Pens ;-)

Damn, just when I thought it was safe...

As usual I finished an update with tears streaming down my face, and a small pile of damp tissues by my side.

I loved your examination of happiness, just random moments of intangibility that are completely personal and unique to the beholder of the event. Just perfect, really.

The picnic in the cemetery was just so very Scooby, lets face it, where else would have that element of rightness for them. Buffy off chasing Dawn, Anya being Anya and Xander being Xander , and Willow and Tara just being together. Happy times!

Then to the present. At last we know what was in the package, and as heartbreaking as it was to read, both Willow's words and Tara's emotions, we were atleast given a glimmer of hope at the end.

Clever, clever Willow, leaving a spell within her diary, with luck Tara will have a closer look at those tiny symbols.

Ok, so the reality section. I loved this insight into Tara's experience of the 'brain suck'. To know you are trapped in someone else's madness to the point it becomes your own is bad enough, but to have lucid moments, no matter how brief, and then be pulled back into absolute terror - well, it's a wonder Tara came out in one piece at all.

I had resigned myself to this being on hiatus for a long time, but now you're back I'm champing at the bit for the next installment.

Thank you for a wonderfully emotional read.

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People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. Eleanor Roosevelt


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:12 pm 
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I have not stopped crying reading this haha, update soon!

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:30 am 
A comeback sooner than anticipated!

I kept on smiling at the image of Willow with different concoctions being done to her hair with the gel. It was a good exercise of imagination as you are good with the setting of tone and context. Overall, quite an eloquent description of the usual family based mirth filled Scooby interactions =)

In the present, as we finally moved to the realm of Willow's death and Tara's grief, I could not help evoking the idea that for the time being, Tara is still nurturing that original fear of not being able to survive herself without the physical presence of Willow by her side. The letter Will has left for her gains even more support in this way by projecting openly that fear. What has made this update beautiful is probably the knowledge that these two girls will be connecting at a higher vibration now that they have known loss and the true meaning of love.

Thanks Lifty,

Vi'


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:45 am 
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Surprise! I'm back, and loaded with a brand new update! I'm afraid I've used up, well actually overused, any spare time I have, so I'm going to have to reply to all the awesome feedback at a later date :( I promise I will though! Anyway, to brighten up your obvious dissapointment I will post the new chapter. It's fresher, fitter, and better looking than any chapter yet! I really hope you enjoy.

I am currently experiencing a massive guilt trip because of all the untouched work (curse you exams) staring accusingly at me, so I must be off my pretties! Enjoy! I have truly mastered the art of procrastination.




[center]SAVING MYSELF[/center]



~.~.~.~.~.~


Chapter 6


The Past



Tara sat at the back of the seminar room, oblivious to the professor’s monotonous tone droning on continuously about the tragedy of Picasso’s Guernica painting. His voice invaded her thoughts once again, diverting her from her somewhat heated daydreams of a certain redhead.

“Should the dead lose their vote in the referendum over hope versus despair? Well, look at the way Picasso has placed the contorted figure of the horse in correspondence to the mutilated body of the soldier. On top. Which symbolises hope? The prevailing or the defeated?”

Tara could only think of one thing she’d like to be on top of at that point in time. One person to be exact.

God, why do I have to be so distracted?

She used to be interested in this art history stuff.

Clicking her pen furiously she sighed in agitation and shifted uncomfortably in her seat, which made a loud creaking noise. She looked up guiltily, catching the eye of a few annoyed class members, and attempted to remain still, trying her hardest to concentrate and not breath too loudly. This didn’t last too long though. Her concentration drifted. It wafted and danced, receding into the welcoming place in the back of her mind.

~.~.~.~.~.~

“Tara”

“Hmmmm, Willow.” Tara smiled contentedly and rolled over in her sleep.

Someone giggled. What? Dream Willow doesn’t giggle, dream Willow moans sexily and says dirty stuff.

“Tara.” She groaned. Why was someone shaking her? “Tara, baby, wake up.”

“Wha?” Tara shot up, blinking sleepily, her face colliding with something soft.

“Ow!” Willow stumbled backwards slightly, holding her nose and grinning, partly amused by her lover’s confused state.

“Willow! Oh my god are you ok? Did I hurt you?” Tara stood up, her books falling to the ground.

“No, no, I’m fine.” Willow smiled in reassurance, wiggling her nose a little and gently pushing Tara back down into her seat, “Although you do have a really hard face. And why were you sleeping during Art History?” She plopped down in the chair next to Tara, who realised she was still in the, now empty, seminar room.

“Do I really need to explain why I’m so tired?” Tara raised her eyebrows a little.

“Um yeah, I’m all out of possible reasons.” Willow grinned wickedly, absently running her fingers up Tara’s arm.

Tara smiled warmly, “Let’s just say it’s got nothing to do with a lack of coffee.”

Willow’s grin grew larger, “I love your smile.”

She leaned in closer, placing a small kiss on Tara’s shoulder and pulling back. Tara sighed and Willow moved in again, this time sucking gently on her earlobe.

Tara stiffened and pulled back, looking quickly around the room. “Will, we’re in a class room. Anyone could see us.”

Willow pouted and traced Tara‘s collarbone, “But everyone’s gone. It’s just us.”

Despite Willow’s very distracting hand which had moved from her collarbone to a rather softer, rounder area, Tara couldn’t help but wonder, “Why didn’t anyone wake me up?”

“What?” Willow stopped her Tara-booby exploration and looked at her girlfriend in shock. “I’m all with the naughty touchage and you’re worried because no one woke you?”

“Well,” Tara placed her hand over Willow’s, tangling their fingers together, “it just seems like no one notices me. I mean, they all knew I was here but….” She trailed off.

“Of course they notice you Tara.” Willow brought their hands to her mouth, kissing Tara’s knuckles softly. “I notice you. You‘re way cooler than any of those dumbheads.”

Tara smiled, and turned her face towards Willow’s, bringing their lips together in a tender kiss.

“Hmmmm.” Willow smiled into the kiss, her free hand coming up to cup Tara’s cheek, stroking the skin with her thumb. Tara copied her, her hand coming up to tangle in the red hair, pulling Willow’s mouth harder onto her own. It felt so perfect. She forgot she was in a public place and just lost herself in the feeling of Willow’s lips on hers.

“Tara.” Willow pulled back to breath out the name and looked into Tara‘s eyes, before grabbing the back of Tara’s neck and pulling her into a fierce kiss. All timidness was gone from her touch, this time Willow meant business. She opened her mouth wider and Tara did the same, granting her entrance which Willow took without hesitation.

Tara could feel her body heating up incredibly fast. The space between her and Willow suddenly felt too big, and in one swift movement she had crossed over from her seat to straddle her girlfriend’s lap, closing the distance between them. Their bodies fitted against each other perfectly, the dim light from behind the closed blinds of the seminar room dancing around them as they sank deeper and deeper into the passion which now flared violently between them.

Willows lips opened and closed frantically against her own. Tara felt the hand move from the vicelike grip on her neck to land on her backside, pulling her in harder against her girlfriend’s body. She grunted at the sudden movement as hot pleasure spread through her, and moved her own hand down from the tangle of Willow’s hair to squeeze between their panting bodies and latch onto her lover’s hard nipple, twitching it and then pressing her hot, sweaty palm fully against the small mound of her girlfriend’s breast. Willow gasped and arched into the touch, her hand gripping tighter on Tara’s ass. Tara moaned and squeezed the breast again before wrapping both her arms tightly around Willow’s neck and latching her mouth onto the sweet skin behind her ear. Willow’s hand came up to hold her head, leaving it there as Tara moved her mouth from behind her ear to suck on her girlfriend’s pulse point, leaving a mark. Willow’s other hand moved from her ass, sliding hotly up underneath her tank top to caress the skin on her sweat-slicked back.

A little dust mite strayed absently in between the two girls, blushing when it realised what they were doing, and quickly left, flying away to join the other dust mites in their daily migration to the Kingdom of Dust Mites in the library.

Neither girl noticed. Of course.

Tara pulled back, breathing heavily, her lips barely touching Willow’s.

“Will, class.”

Willow grinned evilly and in one swift move, unfastened Tara’s bra strap, her hands mapping the soft skin around Tara’s shoulders.

“I have the afternoon off.” she whispered, and kissed her girlfriend’s lips swiftly. An intense kiss. Tara’s heart skipped a beat.

Tara smiled, and looked into the redhead’s eyes, full of expectation and love. She proceeded to rest her hands on Willow’s shoulders, squeezing gently. Willow proceeded to place one hand between Tara’s thighs, making the girl gasp sharply. Willow rubbed slightly, enjoying her girlfriend’s surprised reaction.

“No Will,” Tara inhaled sharply as Willow sank her hand even further into the cookie jar. “I meant, class, other, oh goddess, other people have,” She jerked in the redhead‘s lap, “have class now. Here.”

Quite frankly, by the time she’d finished the sentence, Tara no longer gave a damn who walked into the room. She completely surrendered to Willow’s lips, drinking in her girlfriend like she’d just gone a week without water. Willow clearly took advantage of the situation to do the same.

“Dude, check it out! It’s Christmas!” An amazingly loud, obviously testosterone-filled male voice interrupted the two girls in their…

“Research! We’re doing research!” Willow pulled back abruptly from her tongue thrusting actions, the words bursting out of her mouth.

Tara shrieked and grabbed her books, holding them in front of her face in an attempt to hide. An attempt which obviously failed when another voice spoke from the now substantially large crowd of excited, shocked, and slightly aroused college students that had gathered at the entrance to the room.

“Tara? No.” A dark haired girl moved forward, her mouth hanging open. She craned her neck from behind the other students. “But seriously, Tara?” She giggled, and covered her mouth in obvious glee, before giving Willow the once-over. Tara blushed brightly. Willow glared. The girl nodded in approval.

“Oh, full marks Blondie. Seriously didn’t think you had it in you.” The girl grinned and winked at Willow. Someone else in the crowd cheered. Another applauded.

Willow, blushing as brightly as Tara, grabbed her girlfriend’s hand and pulled her towards the doorway, trying to appear unaffected by the numerous coughs and whispers aimed their direction. As they pushed through the crowd, one guy had the nerve enough to whistle in appreciation. Willow gave him the hairy eyeball, and he quickly backed off.

Hmmmm, Tara grinned to herself, Willow’s acting all butch. She turned her head and smirked in the direction of the oggling students as they left, before reaching out to slap Willow’s butt cheek lightly. Willow yelped in embarrassment and began to walk faster. The onlookers watched in disbelief.

Tara turned away and smiled, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend’s waist tightly in happiness.

Willow watched her closely. “You’re a vixen, you do realise.”

“Only around you sweetie.” She pecked her still stunned girlfriend on the lips.

Everything was absolutely as it should be as the two girls walked peacefully across the sunlit campus.


~.~.~.~.~.~


The Present

Buffy fumbled with the zipper on her jacket, pulling at it in frustration when it refused to undo. She walked through the small gate at the entrance of the Summer’s home, bending down to collect the morning paper still on the footpath. That’s strange. Tara usually gets the paper.

The night before it had rained, leaving the pavement wet and slippery, and the paper even wetter. She had spent the night at Spike’s. Dawn, of course was now in college, so she was looking forward to a quiet morning. Just her and Tara. It felt like they needed a bit of time to relax. Tara was obviously not ready to talk about Willow yet, and neither was she. Besides, she wasn’t one to make a cheerful morning of pancakes and yummy coffee all morbid by talking about sad things. Tara had had the house and her thoughts to herself last night. She probably needed the company.

Buffy nodded to herself in reassurance. Everything is going to be fine.

That thought soon disappeared when she opened the front door and walked headlong into a tree.

“Ow. What?” She rubbed her nose and frowned.

“Tara?” Her voice echoed around the seemly empty house. With one last look at the tree, its trunk protruding from the now ruined floorboards, its leaves and branches spread out across the ceiling, she stepped around and walked carefully up the stairs, watching the ground for anymore strange plants, killer vines, poisonous shrubs, anything. There were none. Just the tree.

“I knew the trees were dangerous. I knew it. Tara!” Echo.

When no one answered Buffy ran. She ran into the bedrooms, the bathroom, back downstairs into the kitchen. Tara was no where to be found.

“Tara!” Her voice echoed again. Why was it echoing? She ran over to the tree and kicked it with all her strength. Pain shot through her foot and straight up her leg. She fell onto the floor, clutching her toes, glaring at the tree.

“Damnit Tara, where are you?”

She held her foot and tried to think.

“Tara.”

Buffy sat up. She hadn’t said anything. That wasn’t her speaking.

“Tara.”

There it was again.

Buffy tried not to make too much noise as she edged herself closer to the tree. She pressed her ear against its trunk, her cheek lightly touching the peeling bark, and listened. She didn’t hear anything at first. Then, the branches above her rustled, sending a few slender leaves to land gently on the ground beside her, and she heard it, softer than before, as if the tree was aware of her close presence.

“Tara.”

The tree was whispering to her.

~.~.~.~.~.~

Tara woke up to the morning sun. She squinted into the light, stretching her limbs out and wincing as her muscles cramped up slightly. With a small groan she sat up, her back immediately clenching, and looking around her she realised she was lying on the bench at the bus stop.

What the?

She recalled running from the house last night, her eyes blurry with tears. She had stumbled around Sunnydale for a while in the storm. A couple of times she’d considered going back, or maybe going to Xander’s, but couldn’t bring herself the explain why she was out so late, saturated and crying. She had felt half dead from lack of sleep by the time the rain had been reduced to a drizzle, and had, in a delirious state, collapsed in the first sheltered place she found.

Which happened to be the bus stop.

Sighing she clenched her fists in exasperation. She was a fair way away from the Summer’s house, and her restless couple of hours of sleep had left her in no state to walk all the way back again. She groaned again after finding her pockets were empty. She had no money. Hitch-hiking didn’t seem like the best option either. There were all sorts of people in Sunnydale willing to pick up the helpless stranger, and they weren’t always human. Most of the time their intentions weren’t good either.

So she stood, and her legs threatened to collapse, but she held on to the side of the bench and inhaled deeply, keeping her balance. She tried not to think about Willow’s letter.

Her feet were bare.

Somewhere last night she must have lost her shoes.

The road was wet from the rain, and cold against Tara’s skin. She shifted a little on her feet, and took a hesitant step, beginning the long walk home.

~.~.~.~.~.~

About half an hour later a vehicle pulled up beside her where she‘d stopped on the sidewalk to pick a stone out from between her toes, its tires coming to a slow halt on the gravely road.

“Tara isn’t it?”

A quiet male voice spoke gently from the window of the vehicle. Tara looked up quickly, taking in the short, black-haired guy speaking across to her from the driver‘s seat of the van. She recognized his face vaguely; the patient expression, the intense gaze, the tufted hair, his fading face imprinted in her memory.

“Oz.”

“Yeah.”

She thought she saw a slight smile on his face, but it was gone as quickly as it came.

“You looked kind of worn out, thought you could use a lift.”

He leant across and opened the passenger door, motioning with a nod of his head for her to get in. Tara sighed and forced a smile, internally grateful for the kind gesture, but to tired to show it. She climbed in, shutting the door behind her before turning to stare out of the front windscreen, avoiding eye contact with Willow’s ex-boyfriend. It was in the past. All this was in the past, but she couldn’t ignore the feelings of seeing Oz. It reminded her of Willow.

God, this was too much.

Oz seemed to notice her pointed silence, and turned the van back onto the road.

“Where to?”

“Buffy’s.” She looked down at her lap and unclenched her fists. She hadn’t noticed she’d been clenching them.

“T-Thankyou.” Her voice croaked a little.

She saw him nod out of the corner of her eye, and settled back into her seat, enjoying the comfort of the old leather.

The van smelt like cinnamon and smoke.

~.~.~.~.~.~

They drove on for a while, Oz humming softly to himself, Tara gazing out the passenger window. She wondered what Buffy was doing at home. Surely she would have noticed Tara’s unexplained absence by now.

Maybe she’d found the letter.

“So, I’m not usually one to question, but you seem pretty out of it. Is” He paused as he turned down Revello Drive, “Is everything alright?”

“I-I don’t really want to talk about it. Things are” She struggled for the right word, and felt relieved when he pulled up outside the Summer’s house. “Complicated.”

“Good old Sunnydale, never lets you down.”

Tara smiled at him politely. He grinned slightly and watched her as she opened the door and stepped out of the van, before getting out himself.

Tara didn’t know what to tell him. She couldn’t tell him that Willow was dead. Not yet. He was watching her expectantly, and she felt inclined to repay him for the lift home. The truth would have been the last thing he needed. Besides, there was only one reason he would come back to Sunnydale; to see Willow.

“W-would you like to come inside?”

“Sure.”

He followed behind her to the front porch, walking so quietly she couldn’t tell he was there.

Tara was met by a strange sight when she entered the house. Buffy sat, legs crossed, leaning her head against the trunk of a tree which appeared to have grown out of the floor. She looked as though she was listening to something, so intently that she didn’t hear Tara’s voice.

“Buffy?”

Tara was incredibly confused. She stood in shock in the doorway. Oz raised an eyebrow, and looked at her, opening his mouth as if to say something before letting it shut just as quickly.

“Buffy, why is there a tree in the house?”

“Tara!” Buffy jumped up suddenly at hearing Tara’s voice. She spun around and grabbed the girl in a powerful hug, before pulling back, holding her shoulders gently. She made as if to speak, before gasping in surprise at the figure standing behind Tara on the porch.

“Oz?”

“Hey Buffy.” He nodded to her, shuffling awkwardly.

“Um, ok, first things first.” Buffy turned back to Tara. “Did you cast a spell last night?”

“What? No.” Tara shook her head distractedly, unable to take her eyes off the tree. Its branches were moving, yet there was no breeze in the house, as though it was live.

“Well that doesn’t help things.” Buffy scratched her head. “Tara listen, I’m going to ask you to do a very strange thing.” Buffy took Tara’s hand and led her to the tree so that they stood right beside it.

“Listen to the tree.”

“What?”

“Put your ear against it.”

Tara looked at Buffy before leaning in and placing her ear against the tree. Buffy stepped back. Tara waited. It was warm. Were trees always warm? She leant in further, both hands coming to rest against the side of the tree. As soon as she did so the tree moved. Like a tremble. Its solid trunk quivered beneath her touch. The branches rustling. Its limbs creaking. Tara didn’t move.

“Well that didn’t happen for me.” Buffy spoke quietly to Oz who had come to stand beside her, both of them watching Tara and the tree. He shrugged.

“It’s a Willow.” He whispered.

“What?” Buffy held her breath as the tree continued to react to Tara’s presence.

“A Willow tree. A Weeping Willow to be exact.” He gestured to the tree. “I don’t think it’s fully grown though.”

“Oh my.”

Tara didn‘t hear either of them. All she could hear was the voice of the tree as it whispered to her.

“Tara.”

She saw white fairy lights.

My Willow.

~.~.~.~.~.~

The Reality

I’m back.

To be honest I didn’t think I’d come back.

I figured that by morning I’d be gone. You’d reckon that by spending an entire night out, alone in Sunnydale would leave you with the almost impossible likelihood of survival. I must have been part of that one millionth percentage of helpless girls who don’t get sucked dry by vampires, sacrificed by demons, or eaten by werewolves.

So I woke up this morning and came back, and everything has changed.

Firstly, Oz has come back. He’s downstairs with Buffy and Xander.

Secondly I opened the parcel. I read your diary. I saw the photos. I thought that maybe I’d gotten through the worst of it, but I was proved wrong. That little piece of paper proved me wrong. I’ve cracked, and I doubt even you can pick up the pieces.

Thirdly, there’s a tree, in the entrance room. It’s warm. It feels alive, and I don’t mean like ‘alive‘, because duh, most trees are alive unless someone’s poisoned them, or maybe the First Evil has settled in an underground tunnel, killing everything in its path, along with the trees. God I’m even starting to babble in my diary. But alive as in, I think it’s breathing. And when I touched it, it trembled. Buffy noticed it too. Oz said it was a Weeping Willow.

But this tree, it’s warm. It moves. It talks Will. It says my name. It says my name, the way you say my name. Said my name I mean, because of course you’re not here to say my name anymore. But still, why did this tree suddenly grow, overnight? It doesn’t make sense. I’ve tried to figure it out, but my mind isn’t working. It keeps getting clouded. By thoughts of you. The tree reminds me of you.

Xander wants to chop it down, use the wood for building. I can’t let him. For some reason this tree almost feels like there is a part of you in it. Like, if Xander chops it down, I know this sounds crazy, but if he chops it down I don’t think I’d handle it.

It’s too beautiful.

We need to work out how it came here.

If only you were around. You’d know what to do.

Or Giles. He called the other night remember? Buffy talked to him over the phone, the same night Spike told me how you died.

Oh goddess.

I love you so much.

I talked to Buffy earlier this afternoon. Apparently Giles was attacked by something. He wasn’t sure what it was, and he didn’t go into much detail either. He seemed ok though, just a bit shaken. The ‘thing’ left in a great hurry when he hit it with one of the heavier crosses he carries around, and he’s looking into it, but he thinks it might have something to do with the reason he left for England so suddenly in the first place.

He said he’d received an urgent call from the Watcher’s Council after your funeral. They told him to come to England as quickly as possible on urgent business. By the time he got there the Council was gone. Destroyed. He found their building burnt to the ground, the remains closed off by police tape, and asked a passer by what had happened. Someone had blown it up Will. No one survived. They just killed them all. Just like that.

But that’s not all. Giles searched through the ruins and found something. Apparently it was some of the council’s more recent work and documentation. Although it was in bad condition, he could still make out half of it, with some difficulty.

According to the Watcher Council‘s research, Glory wasn’t the only one of her kind. Her death created some sort of portal from the underworld. But it couldn’t have been possible without an enormous amount of powerful magic. That’s where you came in. Glory was a trap Will. The underworld were using her, they knew she was going to die, they wanted her to die. She was an embarrassment to the immortals of the underworld, so what better way to deal with her than use her death as a opportunity to access the one place they could never walk in their solid form, earth? They knew the only way to kill her was with magic. When you cast that spell, they drained your power, and used it to create this gateway to earth. But it isn’t completed yet. You, you died before they could finish. The strain they put on your body was too much for a mortal to handle.

You weren’t meant to die Will. You were never meant to die.

Apparently Dawn is out of the picture, her power is useless. The whole ‘key’ thing was just a theory, a way to trick Glory into attempting to return home. They need more power. And they need it fast. They’ve sent messengers. Spread them across the earth, to hunt, to find the magic they need to complete the gateway, to open a completely different kind of Hellmouth. Different to the one we’re used to. We’ve spent the past years fighting against only the inhabitants of the outskirts of the Hellmouth. According to Giles, the demons and vampires? They’re like the rodents of our earth; the rats, the ferrets. Someone’s trying to open the real Hellmouth. This Hellmouth is the home of the blackest of all evil.

And we have to stop them.

Glory was just the beginning.

Something is coming. Something big.

I’m so scared.

We can’t do this without you. Everyone knows that. We need you more than ever.

I need you. I’m going to find you. I’ll always find you.

~.~.~.~.~.~

_________________
If you're gonna get up, you might as well get up with me - Tegan and Sara

Saving Myself


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 4:48 am 
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DIBS!!!

Okay, so I cheated by getting up at 4am to go to work. Anyhow, I'm only halfway through, so I'll come back later to reply.

So sorry it's taken me all day to get back. It's been one of those days. Anyway...

The Past. What a Christmas present indeed! Tara's reservations are so perfect, so shy, but so incapable of restraining her desire. I love how she gets a little spicy, too.

Quote:
“Research! We’re doing research!”


Haha! Too funny!

As for the Oz / Tara moments, they flowed so seamlessly, and yet I felt just as awkward as they must have in those moments. As for the tree, I'm with Zampsa in thinking it's Willow. Perhaps I'm only hoping. I have a thing for trees myself, though not in the timber sense.... What was my point? Oh yeah, tree-Willow. It fits. But could she have planted herself somewhere other than right inside the front door??

I really like the flow of this chapter. You've captured the essence of past, present, and reality (such a nice switch), each one showing us a different emotion and confidence in Tara. It's as though you've painted her from the outside in. Also, using her written word, or perhaps her thoughts, as a way to give us detail of Giles' exploits works stunningly well. This is so much better than breaking away from the main story to follow him for a while. It can be difficult to stick with one character in a story this complex, and you've pulled it off amazingly.

I'm looking forward to more.

_________________
There, but for the grace of her, go I.


http://citychickenfarm.blogspot.com/


Last edited by taylorgirl6 on Tue Jul 29, 2008 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 6:11 am 
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Yay for great update-y goodness... So Willow came back as a Willow-tree... I hope Tara is soon able to transform her back to a bit more mobile form...

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Posting While Nude Improves Your Mood.


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 2:44 pm 
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I managed to read an update without crying - what's wrong with you Lifty? ;-)

What a lovely hot 'past'. Naughty Willow and Tara getting hot and heavy in class - it amost turned into sex ed, lol. It was very nicely written, you could really feel the passion between them and that made the 'the present' and 'the reality' all the harder to take.

What's going on in the present. I mean it's not everyday a honking great tree pops up through the floorboards. At this point I can't even fathom the reason for it, but I presume its connected with Willow's spell being a willow tree an all. But, like Tara, I'll accept it, after all, stranger things have happened in Sunnydale.

Now, the reason I don't feel like a wet rag after reading my favourite part (the reality) is this

Quote:
I need you. I’m going to find you. I’ll always find you.


Yes, Willow's parcel and everything in 'cracked' Tara, but now she has reached rock bottom, there is only one way to go. The tree, Giles' warning, and her vow to Willow have now given her a sense of purpose that makes me very optimistic.

So, get your coursework done, and, anything else school related, then you can concentrate on giving us another update, cos I'm really needin' some answers here.

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People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. Eleanor Roosevelt


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 4:01 pm 
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yowie wowie
i messaged you and blubbered, but okay, got to reply to this too :) lovin it


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:37 am 
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Lifty this story is great. You really have a handle on how the characters speak, how they behave and especially on how Tara would think and write. I always imagined her to be really articulate and bright. I also loved the notes and the pictures, really made the story seem real. It's also good to read about W/T pre-dark Willow, to think about what might have happened had we not gone down that road with her. I have to tell you as well that whilst I was reading the scene where Tara opened the package from Willow and it was thundering that it actually started to storm here - I don't know what you would call that, pathetic phallacy or just great timing. Though it's been raining here for the entire summer so I won't read too much into it...

I hope you get chance to update soon. You are a great writer - you said before that you were studying, are you studying writing or something else creative?

Hello again from England anyway :peace

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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries


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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 5:13 pm 
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Thanks to those who bumped up this thread. I didn't have a chance to read it when I saw you updates a few months ago, and another one slipped by in July while I was away. FInally caught up.

But my heart hurts.

It's throbs deeply and I want you to fix it, because you broke it in the first place, meany. Absolutely gut wrenching. Truly. The diary, the flashbacks, the dialogue, my god, this was so perfect I saw it
Quote:
“I’m hungry. No one told me that chasing my annoying sister was part of the agenda.” Buffy folded her arms and stuck out her bottom lip, “I want to sell her. Maybe to a chicken farm.”


But my god, the diary entry?
Quote:

If you’re reading this then I’m happy, because it means I saved you. It means Glory is dead. And I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry if you’re reading this without me there. I know I promised to be around forever, to stop you from falling.


When you look up into the sky at night-time, I’m that little cluster of stars, next to the big pineapple. I guess you could call me a tomato.


My god woman, brilliance.

And this,
Quote:
All she could hear was the voice of the tree as it whispered to her.
She saw white fairy lights.


That's it, I'm done, you broke me.

I'm so wanting an update. Pretty please?

_________________
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 Post subject: Re: Saving Myself - Updated July 29th
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 6:10 pm 
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Millerchip77 wrote:
I don't know what you would call that, pathetic phallacy or just great timing.
I don't know whether that homonym was intentional or accidental, but either way, on a lesbian forum like this, soooo hilarious!!

And please, more updates. I miss my Willow tree...


Last edited by magicdanw on Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

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