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And now once again a long update or 2.
Update 11/28/07
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“Well, I guess it’s settled, you all will get the guest room and Jake and Dave can get the couches.” Julie directed, after a long debate on where people would sleep following the party. Originally, Buffy, Dawn and Willow had planned to stay at a hotel. Dave had to work the next day and so he planned to drive back to the school that night. But the party had gone on much longer than expected, everyone lost track of the time and it was too late to leave. Jake lived forty-five minutes away and was in the habit of staying. So, the group spent some time trying to figure out who was going to get the guest room and the couch. Buffy was not comfortable with Dawn and Dave sharing a bed. Sure, she liked to deny that her sister was sexually active but she knew the truth. Her little sister did have a sex life. She just didn’t want to be in the same house at the time. Fortunately, neither Dawn nor Dave pushed to share a bed and it was determined that the sisters would get the guest room.
With the arrangements settled, Betsy suggested the next reasonable move. “Good, we can all get settled then. The only thing we need to do is wake up the two drunkards over there.”
“HELL NO! Don’t you dare!” Dawn responded vehemently. “Let them sleep.” She was shocked that anyone would consider disturbing the two women. If she had a camera, she would have taken a picture of the two women curled up to each other. She could not remember a more beautiful or comforting sight.
Everyone, other than Buffy was stunned by Dawn’s reaction. She found herself agreeing with her little sister so strongly that she moved to place her body between the sleeping couple and the women who threatened to wake them. “They are fine. Just let them sleep.”
“But what is going to happen when they wake up. Terri doesn’t sleep with people she just met. Hell, she doesn’t sleep with anyone. We were the ones who let them get drunk and pass out, we should be the ones who protect them from the embarrassing 'day after - who did I just hook up with' fiasco.” Betsy reasoned. Julie moved closer to her girlfriend to offer her support. The two men in the room, seeing a standoff, which they had no place in, quietly left the room and went to the kitchen.
“But she didn’t just meet Willow for one thing. For another thing, they have spent the whole day together. We never did find out where they were for the hours they were off at the stables. And they are not hooking up. They are just sleeping, innocent cuddling.” A tint of a whine entered Dawn’s voice and she silently cursed it. She had worked hard to kick that nasty whining habit.
Buffy felt another tack was necessary to convince the two women who only had Tara’s best interest in mind. “Listen, they were obviously very comfortable with each other. The Tara that I knew wouldn’t relax that much with anyone but Willow. That is who I see over there. And I know that Willow will not take advantage of Tara or Terri or whatever you want to call her. So, please, just let them sleep.”
“Yeah, but the Terri we know would not be comfortable waking up in a room with two guys passed out in it. She tends to have trouble adjusting to her surroundings when she just wakes up. Sometimes she has horrible dreams and she wakes up screaming. It’s remnants from her accident.”
“I have plenty of experience waking someone up from frightening dreams. I have done it for Willow for the past five years. Why don’t Dawn and I sleep in here and Jake and Dave can sleep upstairs in the guest room?”
“Uh, no, that wouldn’t be good, it is just a full size bed and Jake has issues with sharing beds with men. I think he has a fear that he will discover that he is actually into men. Then he would have to find a new hobby since being rejected by women is his current hobby.”
“Hey,” voiced a protest from the kitchen but everyone ignored it.
“Fine. Whatever. Then I will stay here and reject Jake. Dawn and Dave can sleep upstairs in the guest room.” Buffy said, immediately regretting her suggestion. “But they will sleep, just sleep.”
“OF COURSE WE WILL SLEEP!” Furiously whispered Dawn, hoping Dave did not overhear her sister’s chastity speech. “What do you think I am, a slut? Besides, Dave is probably not even interested in me. We are just friends.”
“Friends my ass, that will last about five minutes,” teased Julie.
“Hey!” Protested Dawn, then considering what Julie had said, seriously asked. “Do you think he really likes me?”
The other three women replied at the same time, “YES!”
“Cool!” Dawn’s face was lit up with a huge smile and then she looked at each of the women and asked, “Are we all okay with letting them sleep? We can even keep one of those lights on really low so that if they do wake up, they don’t panic.”
Seeing that this was the best answer to a standoff that could last all night, everyone agreed to the sleeping arrangements. Only one of them was really comfortable with the arrangements.
*********
“I just don’t know what is going to happen. I want to be happy for her. I want to think that everything is going to be okay but not really changed. The thing is that I feel like they are not telling us the whole story.” Julie explained to Betsy as she gave voice to her apprehension. The two women had passed out pillows, showed rooms, pulled out the sofa bed and cleaned up. Now they were lying in bed, letting the events of the day sink in. “There is no doubt in my mind that they are good people who love and care for Terri. I just wonder what they are not telling us. Do you know what I mean?”
“You know I leave the psychoanalysis to you but I trust them. I am not sure why but I do. My thing is that I am afraid to lose Terri. What if tomorrow, she announces that she is moving out to California? We should be happy for her. Right? Well, I’m not that big of a person. I will just be profoundly sad.”
“I know, baby, I know” Julie hugged her partner close as she spoke. “I am glad to know that you trust them. I guess we just have to trust Terri. Trust that she will make the best decision. I hope Willow doesn’t rush her. I hope she doesn’t get hurt. I feel like her parents in some ways because she has always been so innocent.”
“Julie dear. I would never use the word innocent to describe Terri. Even when she was in the hospital, it was obvious that she had an old soul who has seen a lot of ugliness in this life. And as I have learned more parts of her past, I have realized how strong she has always been. I am just glad that she had such happy moments with Willow and really knew love. You know, we gave her a home and a family but she has always given us strength and support.”
“Don’t tell me you can’t psychoanalyze, doctor.” Cooed Julie as she moved even closer to her lover and began to kiss her neck.
“But Jules, I do have one question.”
“What’s that?” Asked Julie between kisses.
“Why haven’t we ever had sex in a club or coffee shop? Are we that old and boring?”
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The sound of loud snoring, in stereo, brought Willow out of her drunken slumber. Her first instinct was to find out what demon was making that horrible noise. She then identified one of the sets of noises to be Buffy’s snores. She was amazed at the fact that another person was capable of equaling her best friend's snores. As she tried to figure out who the other snorer was, she felt the woman lying in her arms begin to shift. It was then that she became aware that she was cuddling with Tara. It felt so natural that when she woke up, she wasn't even conscious of it. She mused to herself that Tara woke up the same way she did when they used to sleep together, slowly and beautifully. Knowing that the loud duet from the other sleepers roused her sleeping partner, Willow softly whispered. "It’s okay, that noise is human."
Giggling despite being groggy and disoriented, Tara whispered back, "I recognized Jake's call of the wild but who else is in here?"
"That would be Buffy. You didn’t know that such a small person could make so much noise did you?"
"No, I didn’t." Tara said as she began to wake up more. With the realization that the room was slightly spinning and her mouth was watering, she tried to push herself away from the woman who had been so lovingly holding her. Willow instinctively tightened her hold, resisting the end of the cuddling and Tara began to apologize "I’m sorry, I need to get to the bathroom. Fast."
The urgency in Tara’s voice sprung Willow into action. "Of course you do, I am so sorry. Come on. Let me help you up." They both sat up and she pulled Tara into a standing position. Upon standing up straight, Willow was also greeted by the sensation that the room was indeed spinning. She staggered a little and felt Tara’s hands grip her waist to steady her. How typical for them. She was trying to help and Tara ended up saving her. "Thanks, standing up quickly, not a good idea. Oh my, is it just me or is the room really spinning fast?" Willow knew they needed to find the bathroom immediately. She led them out into the hallway and realized that she had no clue where the downstairs’ bathroom was located. She froze and panicked, "Wait, where is the..."
"Over there," Tara pointed towards the tiny half bath under the stairs, with the door camouflaged by wood that matched the staircase. Forgetting her usual need for modesty, only considering her upset stomach, Tara pulled open the door and knelt down by the toilet and prepared herself to heave. Willow, also feeling the threat of losing the contents of her stomach, clutched the edge of the sink as she knelt. Together, the two women sat, waiting with dread and also hope to throw up and find relief.
After about five minutes, Tara leaned away from the toilet against the back wall of the bathroom. The sensation of the spinning room had slowed down to a gentle rocking that she could tolerate without losing the contents of her stomach. She began to consider the situation. She was in the bathroom with Willow, who was also unsuccessful in finding relief. "I thought I was going to be sick but I guess not. Ugh, I cannot believe I drank that much beer and I can’t be sick. Not that I want to be sick but I do because maybe then the room would stop with the spinning and rocking. I really have to say, spinning rooms are bad."
Willow, pushed away from the sink and sat down on the floor, leaning against the doorframe; she looked at Tara with an amazed smile and reached over taking her hand. It was a very small bathroom that barely had room for one person. Occupied with two people, sitting on the floor, took up all the available space in the room. It gave them an excuse to touch legs as they sat across from each other. Instinctively, they began playing with each other’s fingers, folding and unfolding their grip. Willow forgot about her upset stomach, she could not get over Tara’s cuteness. She had never heard the other woman babble quite like this. "Wow, this is new. You have picked up the fine art of babbling. I never thought I would say this to someone but I could listen to you talk about puking all day. It is amazing, you’re cute even when you are talking about puke."
"Hey, who are you calling cute. You’re the cute one. I’m just awkward girl with no name, a.k.a. Terri, a.k.a. Tara, a.k.a. lightweight drunk. I love how you hair is curling up on the ends. How come bed head only makes you look better? I don’t think it is fair.” Tara desperately wanted to run her fingers through those curls. She was definitely feeling well enough to check Willow out.
"Hey missy, don’t change the subject away from the cuteness of you by distracting me with one of the greatest frustrations of my life, my hair. I think you are so cute that I don’t know what is keeping me from leaning over and kissing you." Willow realized what she had said but hoped that Tara would just write it off as the continued effects of the alcohol. She didn’t want to pressure the other woman and silently, she chastised herself for taking the conversation in that direction.
Tara sobered up and suddenly wore a very determined look on her face, with a shaky breath she said, "Well, obviously, I am not cute enough because something is stopping you." Before Willow could protest, she held her finger up against the other woman’s lips. "But nothing is stopping me." She began to lean closer towards Willow, moving her hand away from Willow lips and lightly tracing the face that was so familiar to her heart. She peered into the eyes that she was beginning to believe held not just her past but also her future. Inch by inch, searching for the answers to her empty memory, she edged closer towards those red lips. "I need to know what your lips feel like against mine," whispered Tara as she watched Willow lick her own lips. She took that as a sign that her kiss would be welcomed and she slipped her fingers through the curls she had longed to touch.
Taking a deep breath to steady her heart, Tara tilted her head to the side, closed her eyes and prepared to meet her target. She felt the amazing sensation of warm, luscious lips meeting her own. Soft and gentle were words that might describe the precious reconnection of two lost souls. Her body felt as if it was being immersed in warm water, as if she was floating and disobeying the laws of gravity. Her stomach did flips and this time they were not caused by the alcohol. She wanted, no she needed more, so she lifted her other hand to cup the side of Willow’s face and pulled her closer. The kiss intensified as their hunger grew. Willow’s hands embraced and stroked her face. Feeling her lips dance with Willow’s took Tara to a different plane of existence, one where names didn’t matter. At that moment, memories had no significance. The only thing that really mattered was the connection she had with Willow through this kiss.
Tara wanted it to go on forever but then she noticed that her hands were dampened by tears, tears from Willow. She pulled away to take a better look at Willow, who had tears streaming down her face. It broke her heart. She lightly kissed away the tears even as new ones formed. She kissed Willow’s lips lightly a few times and then pulled the woman towards her, holding her to her breast, rubbing her back and rocking the vulnerable woman back and forth. Patiently she waited for the tears to ease. They sat like that for a quite a while as Willow silently cried. Tara prayed that she was not the reason for the tears but knew that truthfully, she must have been.
"I’m sorry, " sniffed Willow, picking her head up off of Tara’s breast and taking in a shaky breath. "I didn’t mean to cry. I just didn’t think this would ever happen again. I had started to give up on ever finding you of... of...of ever finding this again. I never thought I could feel this whole and real again. I’m so sorry and now, my apology is making things worse. Did I mention that I am sorry? I didn’t want to pressure you. I know this is just a kiss and you are still drunk, I’m sorry. It just felt so good. It feels so good to be with you and I cannot imagine being away from you again. I’m sorry, I now that I am pressuring you and I don’t want to. I’m really sorry."
"Shhhh, no more sorrys. It’s okay. Shhhh." Tara pulled Willow back into her arms, "Shhh, You can cry. Tears are good. They don’t scare me. The only thing that scares me is the thought of hurting you. Did I move too fast?"
"Oh, no, Tar... you didn’t move too fast. I have wanted to kiss you since the first moment I saw you at the stables. I have dreamed of kissing you for the last five years. Those dreams were all I have had to live for." Willow watched Tara’s expression change from panic to regret. "Oh, I didn’t mean to sound so pitiful. I have a great life. I have the most amazing friends. My parents and I get along pretty well as adults. We have actual conversations and they have finally gotten Buffy’s name right. I have a job that challenges me, fascinates me, allows me to travel and pays me well. I am okay. Don’t pity me."
"Pity you, why would I ever pity you?" Puzzled Tara.
"Because I am all with the tears and stuff."
"Will, one more time, no more apologies. You have these memories of us and I am this stupid blank page. I mean a part of me was even hoping that when we kissed, I would wake up like the princess always does in the fairytales but that was pretty unrealistic. It’s not fair of me to pin all my hopes on an amazing kiss. I don’t pity you. I envy you; I envy even your pain because it makes you who you are. I admire you. I can tell that you have been hurt many times in your life but you live with it, you grow from it. You are not frozen in time. You have not suppressed your life. You face your past. I am just this empty..."
"No, that is so not true. I spent two years of our relationship running from my past. Oh, if you knew the things I did. Well, you will know but before that talk, promise me that you are not going to degrade yourself anymore. You are not empty. You are so full of life and hope. You were the one who taught me that it was okay to skip through the park if you were happy, to wear flowing, tacky clothes if you liked, to just love life. Tara, you have always been so filled with life. You never gave up and you still haven’t. You have always worked with what you have and never denied who you were. You were always this amazing beacon of strength and hope and you still are. I can see that just by seeing you, Julie and Betsy together. Please, don’t put yourself down to make me feel better."
Clearing her throat, Tara suggested, "Okay, I won’t if you don’t either. Deal?"
"Yes, deal."
"Good, then I believe we were talking about you and your tears. Please help me understand why kissing me, doing what you have dreamed about for the last five years makes you so sad."
"Persistent as always. It’s like, when you find your passion, you don’t want to ever lose it. I lost it, I lost you, but I never forgot what I lost. And now, here you are again and that kiss, it was so wonderful. It brought back all the wonderful feelings that I had buried, because it reminded me of everything I had missed. But that kiss, oh, that amazing kiss we just had, it takes me back to the beginning, to our first kiss. I just feel so overwhelmed."
"Our first kiss, please tell me about it."
"Well, we had been friends for a little while when I came over to your room on the spur of the moment. I was always doing that. I was always showing up on your doorstep at odd hours. This appearance was especially obnoxious because it was really late and I had made plans with Buffy and Xander without inviting you. But, I was in this ugly stage, the `selfish, poor me, my friends ignore me, my boyfriend left me, and college is not what I expected stage. I was quite intolerable, just downright obnoxiously annoying." Willow remembered this time when she was not proud of her behavior. "As always, you welcomed me in with open arms. You let me rant and rave, pout and whine. The entire time, you just sat there on the bed watching me pace and listening to me moan. You would have let me hold the pity party all night. Fortunately, I started to listen to what I was saying and was shocked at myself. I was doing to you what I had been complaining about other people doing to me. So, I stopped and sat down on the bed beside you, took your hand and looked you in the eye and asked, ‘why did you let me run on like that? Why didn’t you remind me that I am an ass and tell me to shut up?’”
"And?"
"And you looked away from me, you looked everywhere but at me. I begged you to look at me and when you did, I asked again. ‘Why do you let me treat you like this?’ And you said, oh my heart still breaks when I think of your response." Willow took a deep, steadying breath. "You said, ‘because as long as you talk, you stay here' Ugh, I was so into discovering my inner lesbian that I did not even follow the hints you offered about your life before college. I still kick myself for not trying to understand your fears and insecurities until I almost lost you. That’s another story; we are talking about the first kiss now. Anyway, I responded; ‘Of course, I am here. This is the only place I really want to be.’ I meant that, you made me feel amazing and safe and confident and I’m sorry, back to the story, you couldn’t look at me after I said that. Later, you explained that you were afraid that you would scare me away if I knew how intense your feelings were. You were hiding behind your hair. You did that a lot and I asked you, ‘Tara, what do you want to do?’ And you just shrugged. I asked again and again and again. Finally, you looked at me and said, so softly that I could barely hear you. ‘I want to kiss you.’ It was at that moment, I noticed that your eyes were not just pretty they were stunningly beautiful. It was at that moment that I really noticed how sexy and kissable your lips were. It was at that moment that my heart was beating just for you. I was so into the moment that I didn’t think of the repercussions. I just said, ‘then please kiss me.’"
The thought that Willow had gone blindly into their first kiss made Tara uncomfortable. She had to ask, "What repercussions?"
"The repercussions of what that kiss would mean. Before that kiss, I had been in a relationship with a man that I thought satisfied me completely. I had been able to write the crushes I had on women off as cases of hero worship. I didn’t have to delve into the sexual side of my feelings until that first kiss."
"And how was that first kiss?"
"Well, you leaned over and ever so lightly, touched your lips to mine. Damn, that kiss was just like you, a light breath of air on my lips and then you moved away. You looked me in the eye, waiting for rejection. I just wanted more. I needed more and you saw that so you kissed me again, a little more firmly. Oh that kiss." Just thinking about the kiss sent Willow into a different place, a different time.
"What about that kiss?" Tara felt as if she was being teased.
"With that kiss, I finally understood why I had lips. I mean, yes, without them, food would fall out of my mouth, I wouldn’t be able to drink from a glass or straw or blow a bubble or whistle but that is not why I was born with lips. That night I realized I was born with lips so that I could kiss you. That was the only reason I had them. All other lip functions were just diversions from their true purpose."
"Wow, I think I can relate to that now." Tara said as she thought of the remnants of the kiss they had just shared still lingering on her lips. "What happened after that first kiss?"
Willow smiled at the memory, "We spent the rest of the night just kissing. After all, we had nineteen years of not kissing each other to make up for. We just spent the whole night kissing. I slept through every class the next day and that is something I had never done before. It was with that kiss that I first began to understand myself. It was as if at that moment, I had the answers to every question I had ever wanted an answer to."
"Wow, what was the answer?"
"Don’t waste your time figuring out this question, you could be kissing Tara instead." Willow jokingly answered. "No, I am serious. I was obsessed. All I wanted to do was kiss you. It was always on my mind. I could feel the remains of your kisses on my lips in class. The thought of those kisses was so distracting that I had to hold my hand over my lips just to focus on the class."
"And now?"
"Now I want to kiss you again and again and again but it would never be enough. But now maybe my dreams of your kisses won’t be so vague anymore."
Tara leaned ever closer, and asked. "Why do you need to dream? I am right here." She desperately wanted to feel Willow’s lips, her tongue, her body. She ached from wanting it all and could not understand why Willow was not acting the same way.
Willow leaned in and lightly kissed Tara on the lips. "Not yet. When I kiss you again, I want to know that there is not an end. I can’t believe I am saying this but the stakes are just too high to screw this up. We are both still drunk. The thought of kissing you and finding out that it was just a drunken hook up would kill me. It would destroy me."
Willow watched Tara’s facial expression change from hopeful to embarrassment over being rejected. "Please no, I mean, please, this is not a rejection. It is a promise for more. I want to kiss you and never stop. "Realizing the words were not enough, she leaned over and smothered Tara’s lips with her own. She delivered a searing kiss that went on and on. It expressed the love and passion that she felt for Tara. When Willow finally pulled away, she leaned her head against Tara’s forehead and peered into her eyes. "Okay, I mean it this time. The next time we kiss, I don’t want to stop but now, we stop, regroup and even sober up a little. Okay?"
"Okay," resigned Tara, accepting but not liking Willow’s need for time. "Maybe we should um, get out of this bathroom. If we stay cramped in here, I may never be able to walk."
Willow, being closer to the door, stood up first and offered her hand to the musing Tara. "Hey, what are you thinking of?"
"Oh, I was just thinking about talking to Betsy and Julie about enlarging this bathroom."
"Why, how much time are you planning to spend in it?" Willow asked.
“Well, it seems that we spent a lot of time in bathrooms when we were together before. I figured we could use the space. "Tara teased. "Oops, that slipped out, it must have been the beer."
Willow’s jaw dropped after hearing Tara’s subtle spicy talk. She had really improved her technique in the past five years. As she followed Tara into the kitchen, she tried to think of a cleaver response. "Actually, smaller bathrooms forced a lot more creativity."
"Did we need creativity to make it exciting?" Countered Tara. She couldn’t believe she was being so bold. She knew it wasn’t the alcohol. It was Willow. With this woman, she felt sexy and confident and willing to take risks. She felt comfortable to voice the thoughts that she had always kept to herself.
"Nooooo, but sometimes we needed each other so bad that, well, creativity was necessary."
"Sounds interesting," said Tara as she opened the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of water. "How about we take our trip down memory lane to the bedroom? " Willow was in shock. She couldn’t believe that Tara had so matter-of-factly just asked her to bed. Tara recognized Willow’s deer in the headlights look and realized how her statement could have been misinterpreted. "Willow, I didn’t mean that to sound that way. I just meant we could keep talking and maybe get some more sleep. Oh no, that must have sounded like a cheesy pick-up line and that is so not what I meant. I just meant, well, we don’t want to go to sleep on the floor with all that snoring. That is all I meant."
Willow started to laugh as she realized how she had misinterpreted the statement. She knew her embarrassment equaled Tara’s. "I understand it’s my fault. Bad dirty mind." She smacked the back of her own hand to show her penance. "It was just we were talking about bathrooms and creativity and then you mentioned your bedroom and then my mind went there and I panicked and this is very odd, don’t you understand that I am the babbler and you are the strong beautiful silent type?" She was rewarded for her observation by a beautiful, relieved smile from Tara. "Of course we can continue this trip down memory lane in the room that happens to be where you sleep. Heck, its not like we haven’t slept together twice today. I mean that literally! Oh, you know that. Come on; please lead the way. "
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“Yours was the kiss that counted. The one that mattered. My life before me undone. This would be the kiss that counted. The one that shattered my defenses. Bringing me emotion and devotion." ~ Catie Curtis