Hi Everyone,
A few quick replies and then on to the update.
pipsberg – Thank you. This is the last post of “old” content. The update after this will be new we hope you enjoy it.
Rocktoddy - Thanks for the comments. You make a point but the term "geek infested root" does tend to stick out
I hope that as the story goes on, you will find a nice candlestick to cover the spot of red wine on the tablecloth
Because at this point, we are not going to change it. Thanks for your sincere comment, really.
whatmakesyouhappy, mezz & shyamberlover – Thank you all and not much longer to wait, beginning of the new part should be up by this weekend.
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Coming Back [/center]
Update - 12/7/07
"Come on, you are totally lying," laughed a resisting Tara. She and Willow had been sitting across from each other in a booth at her favorite diner. The breakfast rush was almost over and the waitresses were preparing for the lunch crowd. Most of the remaining customers had buried their noses in newspapers but Tara and Willow had spent the last hour laughing and nursing their coffees.
"We so had to. Really, I'm serious. Swear words were foreign to you."
"Come on, stop it," protested a laughing, red-faced Tara. "That is just pitiful. You know, I think I'm laughing this hard because it's pathetic. I mean, what red-blooded American college student can't cuss like a sailor. I don't remember college or even, oh, say my name, but I can swear up a storm. Come on, be honest, I really couldn't swear?"
"Nope, I wouldn't lie to you. I mean, yes, you knew the words but they weren't natural to you. Kind of like when you hear someone with a thick southern accent read Shakespeare."
Hiding her face behind her hands, Tara said, "I can't believe how naïve I was. It really is embarrassing." Looking up, her curiosity getting the best of her, Tara asked, "So tell me, you swearing guru you, how did you teach me?"
With false sincerity, Willow gravely shook her head. "Very unsuccessfully at first. During group conversations, I would lean over and whisper things that you could hypothetically say." Willow read Tara's suspicious look and quickly confessed. "Okay, I admit it, it was just so that I could whisper naughty things in your ear. And it was as much your fault as mine because you pretended to be all innocent. It was the spicy talk that we had to work on."
"Spicy talk?" asked a seemingly confused Tara.
"Yeah, spicy talk." Seeing the need for further explanation, Willow braved on. "You know, um, spicy talk," she began to stutter; "you know, um, bedroom talk. Um, you know um... dirty talk." Willow began to focus her attention on the salt shaker that she had unconsciously picked up. She avoided looking up until she heard stifled laughter. At that point, she noticed Tara's failing attempt to keep a straight face. "Oh my gosh, I can't believe you just did that to me. I can not believe you played me like that."
Tara started to openly laugh, tears reaching her eyes, "I'm sorry Willow, it was just so easy. You actually tried to teach me to swear and you can't even explain spicy talk. No wonder I was such a bad student, when my teacher can't even describe it." She tried to take a breath to calm her laughter and sober up. When she saw Willow's face begin to form a pout, Tara reached across the table with concern and touched Willow's hand. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to embarrass you."
Willow shook her head and looked at Tara. "I'm not mad at you. I am mad at me. I should have considered that you could still play the innocent act to a 't'. You used to get me all the time with that routine. Heck, you used to get everyone with that routine."
"Really? You know what? I bet I would have let you off the hook quickly. I can never keep from laughing that long." Tara smiled across the table and paused thoughtfully before she asked, "Did I always have that trouble?"
"Sometimes you could keep from laughing. Sometimes, you couldn't. Some things don't change, Baby," said Willow suddenly conscious of using the once automatic term of endearment. "Uh, oh I mean Taaa, I mean Terrr..."
"Sshhh, Will, it's okay." Squeezing Willow's hand, Tara continued. "You can call me that, actually I kind of like it. Did we do that often? Use pet names?"
"Yeah, we did." said Willow remembering.
"Always Baby or were there others?" asked Tara.
"Well, Baby was a favorite of mine, for sure, but there was also Darling, Sweetie, Honey and, um, well, sometimes Vixen," said Willow playfully wiggling her eyebrows. The embarrassment was over; she was feeling confident, in charge of her responses.
"After some of the stories from last night, I think we both earned that one," said Tara. The two grinned at each other, feeling confident in their bold flirting but still unsure where to take it. Tara, feeling the uncharacteristic need to fill the silence with something, shifted the conversation. "So, um, anyway, we were going to talk about your faith, about my old faith, Wicca."
"Yeah, we did earn that title. So, Wicca." Willow paused and furrowed her brows as she considered her next words. "This is strange for me and I am not really sure where to start. I mean you were my teacher. When we met, I already had a basic knowledge of Wicca, or thought I did. I had already studied the fundamentals of it. I just didn't understand their true meaning."
"And what is the basic rule?"
"'An ye harm none, do what ye will'. It’s about balance, caring for creation as we are cared for by creation." Willow let that statement hang in the air.
After a few moments of careful consideration, Tara responded. "Like 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ There is the importance of loving your neighbor but also loving yourself, caring for the world around you and also yourself. You can't lose yourself in the equation."
Willow thought of the past, of the different times they had each lost themselves even while they were still together. There were the times when she had watched her girlfriend walk on eggshells to please everyone else without ever standing up for herself. And as for herself, for the last five years, she hadn't so much lost herself, as she had ignored herself by burying deeper into her work. "You’re right, you can't, you shouldn’t. It is the same in Wicca. The harm none means everyone, including yourself."
"Okay so let me ask you this. The majority of Christian churches have stopped using the archaic English language for more modern translations. Why does Wicca use words like 'ye'?" Tara leaned her elbows on the table and look expectantly at Willow.
"It really is a preference thing. Like how some churches still do use the older forms of English. It may sound silly but for me, it just feels more traditional and connected to the past. It just feels more substantial. It’s just language but it makes me consider more."
"That makes sense. Heck, there are still some Catholic services that preach in Latin. Who speaks Latin anymore?"
"Oh, you would be surprised when it comes in handy," answered Willow. Remembering the hours, she and Tara used to spend translating Latin. "You used to be able to read Latin."
"Really? I just get more and more impressed by me." Tara shook her head as she digested more information about herself. She wondered how she could have forgotten so much. It wasn't just people learning so she pushed Willow for more. "Okay, back to Wicca. I am a blank slate. Educate me ... please."
"Okay, here goes. The Judeo/Christian faiths believe in one God. Well, Christians believe in that whole three in one God that I never got when I used visit my friends’ churches as a kid. I understand it a little bit more now. Anyway, Wicca is centered on a reverence for nature and a belief in a God and a Goddess. Many people who practice Wicca also believe in many different deities, or aspects of the God & the Goddess each having a different purpose."
"Many people, not all?"
"No, Wicca is not institutionalized like Christianity so there are different beliefs. Well, I guess it is probably the same thing with churches." Seeing Tara nod, Willow started to continue but was stopped by another question from Tara.
"Okay, so do you believe in many different God's?" Watching as Willow nods her head, Tara asks. "Did I believe that too?"
"Yes, you did."
"In some ways, I still do." Answered Tara, quickly continuing so as not to give Willow any false hope. "At my church, well not really my church because I never have joined it, but the church I attend. The focus is on the different persons of God. Not the persons as in human people but the way that they relate to us. Like you said earlier; the trinity, the belief in God as three in one, The Creator, the Savior and the Holy Spirit."
"The Creator?"
"Yup, God. I refer to God as the Creator instead of the father. It is a concept that I relate to. I mean, I don't remember what it feels like to have a father. And in my church, we are careful about not letting language limit God. I mean, if you only call God father then uh, you start to imagine a God that can only do the things a man can do and uh, hello, men aren't all that!"
"Won't disagree with that." smiled Willow.
On a roll, Tara continued. "Language just restricts God. Names and titles, limit God. I like to use different words for God. So you might pray to Mother Nature for example..."
"Well, we call her Gaia."
"Oh, okay. You might pray to Gaia and on a specific day, I might pray to Mother God, focusing on the aspects of God that I personally would attribute most to a mother. But God shouldn’t be limited to having only male, female or even human traits." Tara halted her conversation and looked apologetically at Willow. "I'm sorry. You were telling me about Wicca."
"Actually, in many ways, you were just telling me about Wicca." Replied Willow.
"Really, that’s cool."
"Yes, it is very cool. I can understand now why you would be interested in this church. The old you would have probably been comfortable in it. You wouldn't join it but you would’ve been interested in it."
"Will, I haven't joined it now. It fits me, just a little. It is a place of comfort. It allows me the freedom to focus but I am still searching for that thing that truly fits. That's why I am so interested in learning more."
"Good." Willow breathed a sigh of relief. "I have to admit that when you first started talking about church, I was afraid that you were going to start quoting scripture and try to convert me."
"I promise, no quoting. Now, if you end up getting splashed with water in the middle of the night, pay no attention, it might just be a little baptism." Teased Tara.
Both women shared a laugh and continued to enjoy the conversation much to the displeasure of the waitress who had to keep refilling their coffees.
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"When I get a hold of them, they are going to be in so much trouble. I am going to so let them have it. I can't believe they didn't have me fly in right away. No, that would be giving me some credit and they would rather choke than give old Anya credit. Who the hell do they think I am?"
The former vengeance demon, now normal human, successful businesswoman, and the treasurer of the Sunnydale Rotary Club fumed as she dangerously and erratically shifted lanes.
"They never gave me any credit and they still don't. They never noticed that I was the one who got her talking to begin with. They never bothered to ask her any questions. I just had to ask a few pointed questions. They never even paid any attention to her until they needed someone to help cook and keep their house clean. And Willow, Willow, she was just a breast girl and Tara, she had some boobs. I wonder if she still does?"
Anya stopped ranting aloud for a moment to reflect on her friendship with Tara. She knew that anyone else driving by might think she was crazy for talking to herself so adamantly in the car but she also knew she had to get it out of her system before she saw her so-called friends. So, at the risk of looking insane, she continued to rant.
"I didn't care about her body or her pancakes. I even ate the ones that looked like a damn cat with long ears. Why? Why? Because I was a friend! Did Buffy feed her applesauce when Glory stole her mind? No, she was too busy being devastated and all catatonic over Dawn disappearing. Who took care of her when Willow went all traipsing through Buffy's head? Not kidnapped Dawn, no, she was too busy being kidnapped. No, none of them. It was me. Always. Me!"
Anya gripped the steering wheel even harder and pressed down on the gas peddle even harder. "Stupid rent-a-car doesn't even accelerate properly." She continued to speed through the traffic as she ranted on. "Who was it who she talked to when she found out all the things Willow did? It was me. Everyone else was too into waiting for Buffy to quit pouting about the whole 'oh poor me, I’m not in heaven' thing. I was the one who she talked to when she was worried. I didn't see anyone else talking to her about her problems. Everyone else just let her take care of them."
Anya momentarily ran out of rant material. She remembered her shy friend. The woman who let too many people take her for granted. She remembered how Tara had tried to hide in the shadows. The shy blond rarely stood up for herself with the group and never demanded the attention that she deserved. The dynamics among the scoobies was dysfunctional at best. Everyone had their own attention grabbing devices, but not Tara. She never tried to stand out. If Anya hadn't witnessed the beginning of a fight between Willow and Tara the night before, she would never have known to check on her friend that fateful afternoon.
"She swore that she could make it a month," whispered Tara as they huddled over a table in the magic shop. They were waiting for their respective lovers to come so the meeting could start. They both knew their roles. The meeting would go on whether they were there or not but if Xander or Willow were not there, the meeting would wait. It was a fact that both of their lovers would deny but they knew the truth and they were okay with it. At least they had each other; they had a bond, an understanding. They kept an eye on each other and later, after the meeting, would subtly see to each other’s wounds. Sometimes, Anya was the one who attacked Tara but it was never personal, just her nature. Tara understood and never held it against her later. Now they were checking in with each other again. Trying not to be obvious, they put there heads together and began to thumb wrestle. "I told her that if she could stop for a week, she would show me that she is in control of the magic."
"Do you believe her? Do you think that she can control the magic? That she can stop?" Anya pushed as she attempted to pin Tara's thumb from behind. Anya knew that the chance of Willow stopping magic completely, no matter how much she loved Tara was slim and she wanted to make sure her friend understood this.
Angling out Anya's move and countering, Tara responded. "I want to. I really do but I don't know. It's not something you can just give up. Especially, if you have become so dependent on it, for her, it’s like second nature and she doesn't see that it is wrong. She still doesn't understand. She thinks I am just too uptight. This feels like one of those after school TV specials that they used to show on ABC... Oops, you probably don't know what those are?"
"Oh, no, I remember them. Once, I actually put an up-and-coming young actor in a contract for three after school specials to punish him for cheating on his high school sweetheart. It ruined his career but I still see him every once in a while doing paper towel commercials."
Tara smiled at her friend’s creative vengeance but then her thoughts turned back to her troubled relationship. "Well, I just don't think anyone else other than Giles really thinks there is a problem."
"Yeah, he does seem to be disturbed by it.” Anya stopped, and for one of the rare times, carefully considered her next question. "Do you think she believes that you will leave her if she doesn't stop?"
"Anya, I don't know if I believe that I will leave." As she made her confession, she also twisted her hand high enough to pin Anya's thumb with her own. "I don't know if I can. She's my life."
"No, Tara, she is not your life. And if she has become your life, then she is to you, what magic is to her. And that is just as unhealthy." Anya made her points as they crossed thumbs to begin another match. "And I know I shouldn't talk I am not you. You have school. You have a career to work towards. You have so much. I am meant for one of two things, life as the loving and supportive wife of Xander Harris or a return to my roots as a vengeance demon.
Tara stopped the thumb-wrestling match and covered Anya's hand with her free hand. "Anya, you have so much more to offer the world. You can do anything you want. I know you can."
Anya heard what her friend said. She felt a lump in her throat and tried to swallow it down. She wasn't used to the affection that Tara gave her. She wasn't used to the absolute kindness for no reason and she didn't know how to handle it. "Hey, you can't interfere with the match like that. Let go and fight fair."
Understanding and smiling, Tara squeezed Anya's hand before she continued the match. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I am hoping I’m wrong. I hope Willow loves me enough to quit."
"It’s not about loving you enough. You know that, you've seen this before. I know you have." Responded Anya. Before her friend could answer, their respective partners arrived and the events of the afternoon changed things forever.
Anya looked at the directions again to make sure she didn't miss the turn. She wanted to hang on to her anger because it was an emotion she could deal with better. The truth was that she was scared and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to expect and felt very alone. With Tara as a friend, she had begun to understand what it was like to be a friend. She remembered how hurt she was after Tara disappeared. She was scared because Tara was the one person who had never written her off. What if this new person, Terri didn't want her in her life? Or worst yet, what if she cast her spell and saw that Tara had forgotten them on purpose. She had dealt with rejection in her life. Her heart still stung from Xander's rejection but she had survived. She knew there was always one person who accepted her. Now, this stranger was going to have that opportunity to reject her. It was frightening but she had to take that risk and see her friend again.
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"Uh, I know we’re not far from home but I um, I um really need to use the bathroom. I mean, like right now. I shouldn’t have had that fourth cup of coffee let alone that fifth cup. Xander…
“Xander?” queried Tara.
“My friend Xander, well he was your friend too, anyway, he used to always tease me about having such a tiny bladder. Well, I think it’s about to explode. I am so sorry, I don’t mean to be a pain."
"Will, shhhhh, it’s okay. We’ll stop." Tara couldn’t help but giggle at Willow’s bladder babble.
"I’m sorry, it’s just if I keep talking, I won’t think about how much I have to go to the bathroom." Noticing Tara’s doubtful smirk, Willow continued, "Well, maybe it doesn’t work like that but I can’t seem to shut up." Willow suddenly stopped talking as Tara took a quick left hand turn across traffic, nearly missing another car. "Whoa, sudden turns are not a good idea and I don’t mean to be telling you what to do or doubting your knowledge of this town, not to mention interesting driving skills, but why are we going down this street? None of these stores are open and there was a Burger King right up the block?"
Willow was even more puzzled when Tara stopped the car in front of what appeared to be a closed, old fashion pharmacy. She was even more puzzled when Tara got out of the car and waved her out also. "Come on, this is where I work and I have the key and can guarantee no line for a spotless bathroom."
Tara opened the shop door and Willow tried to take in the surroundings but she was too focused on the bathroom door that was at the back of the shop. As promised, the tiny bathroom was spotless. The room had no windows and was lit by a bare light bulb that hung from the ceiling. Afterwards, while Willow stood washing her hands, she gazed into the old mirror that was blurred around the edges. She looked at the woman who gazed back at her and at that moment, she felt extremely divided. There was a part of her that was so happy to be back with Tara, even if they were not together. It was that part that had awoken the day they touched hands in the laundry room, the part of her that had rejoiced after spending her first days and nights with Tara. It was the part that had remained silent when her friends had rejoiced and complained about their relationships.
Willow intently folded and packed her cloths. It was the last day the Sunnydale University students could be in their rooms before summer break. She focused on her packing and did not notice that Buffy was having a hard time finding the words to begin a long overdue conversation.
Finally, the sound of packing was broken by an awkward Buffy. "So, um, things with you and Tara are ummm good?"
Willow turned, startled but happy to hear her red-faced friend ask. "Yeah, things are amazing." It was a word that for Willow did not give justice to how things were with her and Tara. Things were beyond description and she was bursting to share, to tell how wonderful she felt about their relationship. She was so grateful that after the couple of silent weeks, that followed her coming out, Buffy was finally ready to talk about her and Tara. It had felt like an eternity.
"Amazing huh?" Buffy was struck dumb, not knowing what else to say. Before, when Willow was with Oz and said things were good. That is all she had to say and Buffy would understand. One word seemed to say it all but now; one word seemed to be filled with mystery. Willow didn’t know what to say and Buffy didn’t know what to ask.
For Buffy, her best friend had always needed her. They were like sisters who could share so much. They could talk about how strange guys were and what kind of problems they were having. They didn’t have any other really close friends except Xander and Giles. They didn’t need them. They had each other. Now, Willow was involved with a woman who she obviously was very intimate with, on all levels. Buffy wondered if she was still needed.
For Willow, she took a good look at her friend and for the first time in a long time didn’t feel insecure. This time, she was able to see that Buffy´s anxiety was not about her new relationship as much as it was about their friendship. She saw how her friend was trying to reconnect and understand her. Willow didn’t know what to say or how to start but she knew that she had to share some of the changes in her life with Buffy.
"Yes, things are great, Buffy. They are different of course. I mean not just physically. That’s beyond description. But well, um, emotionally things are so different. I mean in the way we talk, the things we talk about. I don’t feel like I have to guard anything. With Oz, I always felt, no matter how much I loved him there was still something I had to guard."
"Well, I think I can understand that. With Riley, no matter how honest I am with him, there is still a part that I don’t dare share."
"Yeah, exactly. Well, with Tara, I have to share it. I don’t have any choice; it is just natural. It just comes out."
"Wow, that sounds pretty intense. Does it scare you?"
Willow sat down on her bed, forgetting about the packing as Buffy sat down beside her. They spent the rest of the day talking, ignoring all that they had to pack. They ended up being fined for not getting out of the room on time but it was worth it. No great answers were found through the conversation but a friendship was strengthened. They were moving forward in their friendship and it was wonderful. It was the first time Willow had let the part of her that had existed just between her and Tara out in the open with someone else.
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"Photographs and memories. All the love you gave to me.
Somehow it just can't be true. That's all I’ve left of you." ~ Jim Croce