Hey everyone... I had planned to include the "I never game" but some other things had to be written first. So, I am working on the game and it will be in the next update. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to post it if my dear dedicated beta is available to make the story look good.
Thanks to everyone for reading, nagging, and bumping the story before bumping was outlawed. Don't worry, I won't forget this story. It will be finished. Just don't ask me when. It just won't let itself wind down.
And thanks to Blue, my dear beta for fixing my boo boo's. You are the best.
Enjoy...
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"Who is that woman talking to Tara?" Willow demanded. She was standing with Buffy, attempting to appear casual which was a total contrast to how she was feeling inside. She felt scared and anxious but also excited and hopeful, it was strange there was so much going on in her head and heart that she wondered how much she could take. And at the moment, the strongest emotion that she felt was jealousy. She resented every person who had known Tara in the last five years, every person at the party. "Why does she keep touching her?"
"Because they are having a casual conversation." Said Buffy and immediately realized that her best friend needed more reassurance. "Will, that is all that is going on. Her name is Karen and that tall, dark haired woman talking to Julie is her girlfriend. I don't know her name or her social security number but if you want, I could go ask." Buffy couldn't help but tease a little. Her friend was acting paranoid and for the last five minutes, she had been asking about every person at the party who even glanced at Tara. In the opinion of the slayer, Willow's suspicions seemed to be completely unwarranted. After all, they had not separated for the first hour and a half after arriving. Tara had politely introduced Willow to everyone but never failed to give the redhead her complete attention. They carried on conversations, looked interested and laughed in all the right places but it was obvious to everyone that they were focused on each other. If Willow hadn't
had to use the bathroom, they would still be in their own little world. Even now, Tara was sitting with three friends but barely took her eyes of Buffy's best friend.
"Well, I don't like it!” Willow grumbled, “If she’ s this confident to be hitting on Tara right in front of everyone at the party, who knows what type of person she is. Look how she is touching her, that ‘s not how friends touch each other!" An irrational Willow pointed towards the offender of the blatantly friendly touch.
"Wil, it is just a touch," said Dawn, overhearing the conversation. "She is just a touchy person. We talked earlier and She kept touching me but I’m sure she wasn’t hitting on me!"
"Touchy person? Yeah, whatever! ‘Touch pervert’ more like it. Maybe she is one of those swingers. Maybe she and her girlfriend are both swingers!" said Willow letting her incredible imagination take off. "Maybe they want to have a threesome with Tara and ew, that is just wrong. They shouldn't be taking advantage of her. It is just wrong. I don't know about people from the East Coast. It is a whole different scene here. They always talk about California being so free and loose but I don't think it compares to this place." Panic crossed Willow's face. "Oh no! What if now that they know that Tara comes from California, and they think she will jump in bed with them. People are always having misconceptions about California. Someone needs to go tell them that she is from Oregon. A small, little conservative town in Oregon where kinkiness is considered a crime. I think I should go and straighten them out, they need to know that Tara is not one of those people!"
Buffy reached out and held her friend back. "Will, just chill out. They are just friends. She is not hitting on her."
"Hey, why don't we just get everyone's fingerprints and we could check them all out to see if any of them are notorious perverts." suggested Dawn. "You know, she has been talking with that Jake guy this entire time."
"Oh no!" Willow's rational thought was completely gone and her paranoia pushed her towards
temporary insanity. "You know, she
has been talking with that Jake guy an awful lot. Oh my, what if she has forgotten that she is gay?"
"Is that even
possible, to forget which gender is attractive to you?" Buffy asked curiously, not catching her sister’s sarcasm. Willow on other hand, did not respond but expressed her panic through her paling face. Dawn and Buffy realized that they had gotten carried away with the teasing and exchanged guilty looks.
Before either of the tormentors could try to chase away Willow's fears, Betsy spoke up. The three women had been standing by a table full of food and Betsy had been refilling bowls of chips and trying not to listen but now felt it necessary to speak up.
"No! One thing Tara has always been sure about was that she did not want to be involved with a man. And she has never shown any interest in any of the people here at this party. And yes, people have tried and failed."
"See, I told you," said Dawn as she lightly nudged Willow's arm.
"No you didn't!" refuted Buffy and Willow at the same time.
"Well, the only reason I teased you, along with my sister who should feel just ask guilty as I do, is that it’s obvious that the woman who we know as Tara is not interested in anyone but you Will" defended Dawn as she traded a scowl with her sister.
"It doesn't matter,” said Betsy, “Willow why don't we sit down and have a drink? Come on over here." Willow picked up her drink and started walking over towards Betsy. She thought that at least with this stranger, she would not have to worry about being teased. She was wrong. " I promise not to touch you suggestively!" smirked her new companion.
Buffy and Dawn started to laugh uncontrollably as they walked away. Betsy led Willow towards couple of lawn chairs that were pushed a way from the party and sat down. Willow followed her apprehensively. She felt uncomfortable almost as if she was going to face an inquisition. The invisible lint on her shirt appeared to take all of her attention as she avoided meeting the other woman’s eyes.
Clearing her throat, Betsy waited until Willow finally looked up. She had been preparing to warn and even scare this woman against hurting her friend. She was amazed to see how thier brief meeting had already caused a change in Terri. As she prepared her speech, the fear and vulnerability that was conveyed through Willow's eyes made her change her tactic. Betsy realized and was started by the other woman's fear and she abruptly asked, “What are you afraid of?”
“What?” Willow had been preparing herself for a ‘parent’s meet the girlfriend’ type interrogation and instead she was faced with a question that was so much harder to answer.
“What are you so afraid of? Julie accuses me of being a bit too clueless about other people’s emotions sometimes and she is right. But even I can see that you are scared out of your mind. Why?”
“I don't know. I’m so afraid of hurting her. I am so afraid of losing her again” answered Willow honestly.
“But Willow, you don’t have her. She just met you. She’s Terri, not Tara.”
“See, I know that she doesn’t have any memories of herself but she is still Tara. She is still the woman who I have loved for the past seven years.”
“How so?” Betsy didn’t want to encourage Willow’s feelings that Terri was Tara but she couldn’t curb her curiosity either.
“Where do I start?" Talking about Tara was so easy for her, it was one of the few ways that Willow had been able to feel connected to her love. "I guess I will start with her smiles. There's the polite ‘I am scared out of my mind’ smile, there’s the ‘I am slightly amused’ half smile, the ‘I want to make you happy smile’, and then the full ‘I am happy, comfortable and safe smile.’ I have only seen hints of that last one. But, I know it’s in there. And it makes me melt every time I see it.”
Understanding the descriptions, Betsy commented. “You get that smile on every blue moon and when I see it, I give thanks to be able to witness it and I wish it would return more often.”
“When that smile is aimed at me, I feel 20 feet tall. I feel like I am on top of the world. I feel like my whole existance is justified." Will paused, staring off into the sky she continued. "Thanks for helping her smile. I am so glad that she found a home with you and Julie.”
“She didn’t just find a home. She found a family.” Betsy saw a chance in the conversation to turn it towards Willow’s expectations of Terri. “She has a life here. You have to understand, Willow. She does not remember her life as Tara and she has never necessarily wanted to learn it. I don’t want her hurt anymore, especially from painful memories.”
“I don’t either!” sighed Willow. “I mean she had a hard life. She grew up under the restrictions of her horrible father and brother, had to watch her mother suffer and die when she was 17. She basically snuck out of her house to go to college, hide everything she was, feared her past catching up to her and slipped through life. I wasn't there when she was growing up but I have held her after nightmares. I have listened to the nightmare that her life was. She experienced more pain that anyone deserves. I don’t want to bring her any more."
Willow continued to speak, not wanting to give Betsy a chance to interupt until she had spoke her peace. But, yes I want her to remember me. I want her to fall into my arms and love me like she used to. I want us to be together but I don’t want her to have to remember her childhood or even some of the things that happened to her in college. I don’t want to have to watch her toss and turn and tremble from those nightmares again. I don't want to hear her silently cry herself to sleep. And yes, I am scared that my very presence will bring all that back. But what I have learned is that you cannot fight the past. It is a part of each of us. We have to learn from it rather than hide from it. And that beautiful woman over there taught me that among many other lessons. And the truth is that she will most likely remember. If and when she does, I want to be the one who is there to hold her, to love her, to cry with her, and to face it with. I want to be that woman that only she ever saw.”
“So how do you plan on doing that? Terri has a life, a family, a job and friends here.”
“I know and that is wonderful. I don't want to changer her life. I plan to be there for her with patience, understanding and love. When I met Tara, my heart was broken. I was lost, confused and feeling abandoned and unworthy. I had never even admitted my attraction for women to myself. I was having trouble with my friends and realizing how separated I was from my parents. Then I met this wonderful woman. She was shy and adorably awkward but so full of wisdom and wonder. We started out as just friends although she always claimed to have fallen in love with me at first sight. For me, my love grew but I always knew that I would wake up loving her more than I had the night before. I always said, wow, how could I love her anymore. Then I would find out exactly how more I could. I am sorry, like I said, I love to talk about Tara and our relationship. The point is that even though she had strong feelings for me, she never pushed. She never asked for anything from me. I was horrible and clueless. I knew that she didn’t have many friends. I knew that she would understand if I showed up at her door in the middle of the night; I knew that she would be there for me whenever even if I wasn't there for her. What I didn’t understand was why I always wanted to be with her. Why when she would just touch me casually, I would tingle. I didn’t understand why, when I was supposed to be broken-hearted, I was dreaming of a friend. And when I started putting things together, when I realized that I wanted more with Tara, I was scared out of my mind. I thought that I was just starting to fit in. College was supposed to be where smart people were admired. And me liking, even loving a girl was just not fitting into the whole pattern. I just wanted to be normal.”
“And being gay made you abnormal?” asked Betsy a little insulted at the implication.
“Then, the answer to me was 'yes'. Now, five years later, I can say no. But I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand the consequences. I just wanted to fit in, not stand out.” Willow stopped and took a breath. “And Tara patiently waited. She was there when I pushed her away and pulled her close. She was there when I
knocked on her door or needed to talk or be alone. She was so amazingly unselfish and that is what I want to be able to be for her. I don’t want to ask for anything. I just want to be with her. Maybe she will fall in love with me again. Maybe we can build a new relationship or maybe she will just want be friends. Whatever happens, I want to be a part of her life for as long as she wants me to be. I owe that to her.”
“So you are doing this out of guilt and obligation?” She was pushing, Betsy knew that, but she needed to see how this other woman would respond. She was afraid that Willow’s emotional well-being was just not that strong and she didn’t want to see Terri hurt.
“NO! I want to be a part of her life because I love her. I love that woman right over there. I don’t love her memories, I love her. And I will be there for her in whatever way she needs for as long as she will have me around. Why? Because I learned to love . And you know who taught me to love. That wonderful woman over there and she’s one hell of a teacher! You can call her Tara or Terri or Rumplestiltskin for all I care. She is still a part of my heart”
“Well, you have my blessing!” said Julie. She had been standing behind the two women for the last couple of minutes. She understood why Betsy was pushing and for that reason, she had not interrupted until she realized that Terri was also watching the conversation. She could see the look of concern from her friend and decided to calm the conversation down. “And I speak for my overly protective girlfriend when I say that you are welcome to our home. I am glad that you have found Tara again. Just please be patient.”
Willow began to speak when suddenly, a crack of thunder interrupted the party and a downpour drove them all into the house. Everyone quickly grabbed the party supplies and ran inside through the double glass doors. For a few moments everyone mingled in the kitchen and discussed thier options. Some of the guests decided it was time to go. Everyone else started to settle in the living room. Betsy began to start a fire. Julie and Tara began to organize food and drinks in the living room for the party.
Willow, still digesting the conversation that had been interrupted by the storm, stood looking out through the back door. She couldn’t help but wonder if she should leave. She didn’t want to hurt Tara. She couldn’t help but wonder if Tara had the same questions seven years ago when they had first considered getting involved. She wished she could talk to Dawn or Buffy but she didn’t know where to start. She was completely lost in her thoughts and didn’t notice that she had company at the door.
Tara stood and gazed out of the storm, considering Willow's lost expression. She wanted to stop the pain that was written across Willow's face and so she laid her hand on Willow's arm and gently asked. “What’s wrong? Are you afraid of storms?”
“No, not storms."
Then what are you afraid of?" Tara asked.
"I am afraid of hurting you” answered Willow, not completely aware that she has spoken her fears out loud.
“Don’t worry Willow, I’m tougher than I look.”
Looking at Tara as if seeing her for the first time, Willow replied. “I know, but you shouldn’t have to be.”
“Well, we all have to be tough sometimes.” Tara replied. “You know, I’m worried about hurting you too. Not being the person you are looking for. Not being Tara.”
Willow reached over and covered Tara's hand that still rested on her arm. Their silence acknowledged the fact that neither of them had answers to the others fears. They stood there watching the storm, feeling lost, tossed and twisted inside, just like the trees caught in the storm. They could have stood there all night, with Tara’s arm resting on Willow’s shoulder, watching the storm. They would have stayed there all night if Rhonda had not shouted to them from the living room. “Hey you two,
get in here! It’s time for some drinking games!”
LOVE this story!!!!!!! 
by eccentrictulip » Thu May 23, 2002 8:39 pm 
You are so talented. Don't sell yourself short.There is no need to apologize for taking time out to take care of things. Take your time with the next installment. It is ALWAYS worth the wait. 
doing this for you and I realise how extremely lucky I am:
answers needed, update sooo needed! Please, please! 
This is just brilliant.