I won't delay this update any longer by posting replies to your wonderful feedback. I just want to thank you all for your interest and your lovely feedback. I will respond to you all soon. Please forgive this delayed update. I had visitors this weekend who demanded far more time and energy than expected. I should warn anyone who does not like to read stories that have not been beta-ed, that this is one. If you catch any errors, please let me know.
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The painful sensation of needles shooting through Tara's left hand woke here up from an unplanned mid-afternoon nap. By lying on her hand, the circulation to her hand was cut off and it had fallen asleep. She shifted her weight to move the suffering hand and realized that she was lying on her side. Her head was resting in the crook of someone's shoulder. Of course the shoulder belonged to Willow. They must have fallen asleep while sitting under the tree. Tara did not panic. She felt too comfortable to move. It felt so good to be wrapped in Willow's deceptively strong arms. She could not remember ever feeling so safe and comfortable. She desperately tried to hang on to the moment by keeping her eyes closed.
Despite Tara's attempts to ignore reality, doubts and questions began seep into her consciousness. How had they ended up in this position? Had she just fallen asleep on Willow? Was the other woman still awake? Had she drooled on her shoulder? Tara Realized that her worries would not be silenced. She opened her eyes. The first thing that met her eyes was her own left hand. It was cupping Willow's breast. All this time, she had been touching Willow's breast. How could she not have been aware of this fact? How could she not have been conscious of the wonderful, arousing, natural feelings caused by touching Willow's breast? The mild feelings of panic and embarrassment were replaced by terror. What if Willow was awake? What if she was upset that Tara was molesting her breast? How could they have ended up in this position? Why hadn't she moved her hand yet? As calmly as possible, Tara gently and regretfully moved her hand off of Willow's breast. She was surprised to hear Willow murmur a sound that resembled a lament. She tilted her up to find that other woman was still asleep. She could have stared at this beautiful woman forever but first she checked to see if there were any traces of drool. There were none. With a sigh of relief, Tara started to sit.
"Not yet Baby, I need more time." Willow mumbled in her sleep as she wrapped her arms tighter around Tara. "Please don't leave me again. I just want to hold you. We are perfect just like this."
Tara was overwhelmed by the feelings of pleasure that she experienced as Willow pulled her closer in their embrace. She felt precious. She felt adored. She felt treasured. These were feelings that she had never experienced. As Willow began to stoke her hair, Tara had to bite her lip to keep from purring. It felt so good to be held by Willow. It felt so good to be touched. It was all new for her. Tara had not been involved with anyone in five years. When Betsy and Julie had taken her to the clubs, she had felt awkward slow dancing. She could hug someone but part of her always felt uneasy. Here, at this moment, she felt as if this was where she belonged, in Willow's arms.
As she considered the idea that she was where she belong, Tara began to feel a great amount of turmoil. There was a part of her mind that was screaming to be with Willow. But she couldn't help but be angry at this part of herself. After all, it must have been that same part of her that refused to let go of the memories that were trapped somewhere in her head. She wished she could negotiate with her psyche. She wished that she could sit down and say, I'll give you this moment with Willow if you give me memories of our first kiss. That sort of negotiation would allow both sides of her psyche to get along better. Instead though, her mind was just a jumble of fear, self-hatred, need, lust, loneliness and confusion.
Tara began to feel guilt - bone chilling guilt. Willow was holding, touching and thinking about another a woman. A woman that Tara could not be. She was not the woman who knew herself as Tara MacClay. She wasn't the woman who had that name and knew that history. She was a lost woman using a pseudo-identity and occupying a strangers body. But she had made a pretty good life. She felt so inadequate. She didn't know how to be ‘Tara MacClay' without her memories. She felt like she was cheating. Here she was laying in Willow's arms and she knew that in Willow's dream world, she was a different woman. She was the not the same woman who shared a life with Willow. She did not deserve to receive this love and attention so she began to fight harder to sit up.
"Don't go anywhere, baby. You are perfect there." Willow said sleepily. "Let's just stay here." As Willow pulled Tara into and even tighter into the embrace, she began to wake up. She suddenly sat up with a start and unconsciously pushed Tara away. "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. We must have fallen asleep. Are you okay? I am so sorry."
"Willow, I am fine. We both fell asleep. It's okay." Tara could see the panic and fear in Willow's eyes.
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I had my arms wrapped around you. I was holding you and running my fingers through your hair." The phantom touch of Tara's hair lingered in Willow's hand.
"Yeah and I was... um... cuddled up to you. I'm just as responsible as you. It is okay. I was not complaining." The memory of touching Willow's breast caused Tara's face to get red.. She attempted to change the subject. "We fell asleep and I am not sure what time it is. We were supposed to be at a picnic for my roommate at 3:30. What time is it?"
"You don't wear a watch?"
"No, I have two but I have never liked wearing them. It's pretty stupid, huh? Annoys the hell out of Betsy. She is really time conscious." Tara wondered why she was talking about Betsy but she continued. " She can not understand how anyone could function without constantly checking their watch. But I don't understand how anyone could want to be so controlled and tied down to time. I usually have a good sense of time. And hey, when it matters, time you know, there is usually a clock around."
Tara's explanation brought a big smile to Willow's face. "You never wore a watch. I gave you one once. It was a really pretty silver watch. You liked it but you never wore it. Then I thought you just didn't like things on your wrist and so I got you one of those antique women's watches that hand from a chain like a necklace. You liked that one also but you never wore it. You just didn't want to be controlled by some mechanical instrument. Xander, our friend used to tease us about being so opposite. You see, I have been accused of being a little bit overly time and detail oriented."
Willow was rejoicing that five years later, without a memory, Tara was still the same. She was filled with hope and joyfully continued to talk. "It, I mean your lack of worry about time used to drive me crazy. I never understood how you got anywhere without a watch. But yet you were never late. You were way to considerate to ever be late. It was like this miracle that I could not understand. I have to schedule everything and you were just so unconcerned by time. If you had a calender in the current year, it was a miracle. I am the opposite. I couldn't find a calender program for my computer that suited all my needs. I ended up designing my own. I still carry an extra watch in my purse just incase the one I am wearing stops running. We were such opposites when it came to that. Wow, you haven't changed."
The smile that Tara had on her face during Willow's rambled about time faded with the last sentence. She was reminded that when Willow saw her, she was seeing another woman. Although she wanted to be this other woman, the one who Willow loved, she could not. It would be a lie. "Um, Willow, things have changed."
"No, no that's not what I meant. You might not have the memories but that does keep you from being who you are."
"Yes, Willow it does." Tara spoke gently because she did not want to cause anymore pain.
"No it doesn't. I look at you and I see the same woman I fell in love with seven years ago. I see the same woman who made me feel complete. I can tell that you are the same beautiful, sensitive, intelligent woman that I first met."
Willow's words hurt Tara. She knew that this lovely woman would only end up hurt and disappointed. She couldn't let that happen. "No, I amnot. " Tara firmly stated as she stood up and stepped away from the tree. "Please, don't put that pressure on me. I can not be 'Tara' for you. I am sorry that you lost her. I am angry that this woman could have left you. I am angry because she left me also. She doesn't sound smart or sensitive. I can not believe that she hurt someone as special as you. I can not believe anyone would hurt the person who loved her as deeply as you did. I don't want to be the person who would left you. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to see you hurt anymore. So maybe we sh-sh-should..."
Willow interrupted Tara before she could make any suggestions. "Tara.. I mean Terri. I don't want to pressure you. I also do not want to lie to you. Of course I want you to remember our relationship but more importantly, I want you safe and happy. Forgive me for not having this all together. Seeing you again was not in my calender." She paused to see if Tara would get her joke and she received a small smile and continued. " Five hours ago, I was in a plane headed here to visit two of my best friends. Four hours ago, I was being told that you are alive. That was what mattered to me. You being alive. Two hours ago, I was sitting under a tree feeling whole for the first time in five years. And five minutes ago, I woke holding you in my arms. I am so confused. I don't want to pressure you. But I have been looking for the last five years for what I had sitting with you under the tree. You don't know this but we were best when we were silent." Willow saw Tara wince. " I mean, my girlfriend and I were at our best when we were silent. After a long day, we would just sit and bask in each other presence. And that is still there."
Willow stopped talking and waited for a response from Tara. But instead, she was met with only silence. Taking a deep breath, she went on. "Yes, I see you as Tara Maclay but you were always more than a name. I can not help it. You feel like my girl. Don't you feel it?"
"Willow, I don't know what I feel. I am so confused. For so long, my feelings have been all that I have had to live on. I have had nothing to live on but instincts and luck. And right now, my feelings are so confused, I don't know what to do."
"I feel you. Here." Willow stood up, took a step towards Tara and sought to make eye contact. She placed her hand on her own heart. "I feel that you are here."
"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to be this other woman for you."
"You don't have to be anyone. You never had to be anyone different. Just yourself. Please. Don't you feel something?"
Tara started to protest. She didn't know what to say or do. Instead she avoided an answer by shaking the blanket out and starting to fold it. Willow bent down and picked up the other end of the blanket. Together, the began to fold it. In the process of folding the blanket, she caught Tara's eyes and and softly said. "Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Just spend some time with me. Spend time with me, Dawn and Buffy. We won't hurt you and we won't force you to be anyone but the woman you are. I am sorry I pushed you so hard. From now on, it is no more pushing. I will be pushless Willow. Hmmm, that kind of sounded wrong. What I am failing to say is that from here on, I am officially backing off. I know I said that before but I will wear a gag if I have to. Just hang out with us for a little while. Please get to know me.
Tara could not resist Willow. "I just don't want to hurt you. I don't want to give you hope that isn't there."
"I am an adult. I am capable of handling pain, hope, joy and sorrow. Right now, I am just happy to be hanging out with you. I want to get to know you, the woman who works at a stable and has a life here in Maryland. And I want you to get to know me. Willow - the quirky, computer geek girl from Sunnydale, California. Let's just start there. No pressure. We won't worry about how things will turn out. Just remember, you are not responsible for my feelings. I officially take any responsibility that you felt off your shoulders. Trust me with my own emotional well being."
"Okay."
"Good, now let's go and find Buffy. Knowing her dirty mind, who know what she is imagining we are doing."
Edited by: anon at: 4/23/02 2:22:29 pm
JD -- a loyal kitten fan 
by jdcioffi » Tue Apr 16, 2002 2:13 pm 
Anywho, keep up the good work...awaiting the next update. 
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WOLFLORD 