Space Quest!

[Artemis]

I know, I shouldn't be starting another fic, when I haven't updated Smut Bunnies yet. I'm working on it, I promise. But this just jumped up and demanded to be written. There's a few intelligent, faithful renditions of Willow and Tara in well-known sci-fi properties around the Kitten board at the moment. This isn't one of them.

Author: Chris Cook
Email: alia@netspace.net.au
Rating: PG-13
Summary: At the end of the final frontier lies the beginning of bad punning.
Copyright: Based on characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, created by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy, and a whole bunch of sci-fi things owned by Not Me, most notably including the Space Quest series of games (Sierra Online), Star Wars (George Lucas/Lucasfilm), and Star Trek (Gene Roddenberry/Paramount). Many, many other properties will pop in and out from time to time; no ownership is claimed.

Note: In case you don't know Space Quest, you should be aware of that really, really bad puns are mandatory. I accept no responsibility for the onset of RGI (Repetetive Groan Injury) or its effects. And that there was about the level of humour you can expect. You have been wared. There may be real drama, thoughtful characterisation, and/or serious storytelling in this fic, but if so, it's purely by accident.

[hr]
Space
The final frontier

Void. Nothingness. Emptiness. A Wagnerian soundtrack. And one very large explosion. Don't believe it? Wait five seconds.

...

BOOM!!!

Told you.

More Space (there's plenty to go around)
TCS Excel 2.0, patrolling the border of Kilkrazi space

The sleek starship Excel 2.0 moved through the potentially-hostile space like a sleek predator, with only a hint of wariness signalling that her crew were well aware that there had been an Excel 1.0, and that the past tense wasn't a typo. On board, the bridge contained a hive of activity. The vessel's roguishly handsome Captain emerged from the Omnidirectional People Transporter, looked around, and moved over to his seat, which his first officer hastily vacated. Before sitting, the Captain produced a Handi-Vac and cleaned the seat of its coating of fur.

"Excel 2.0 ship's log, Captain Solo commanding," he said, taking his freshly de-furred seat. "We continue to patrol the border of hostile territory, with no sightings of Kilkrazi warships to report. In other news- ow!" He broke off to smack at the insect which had stung him, and subsequently glared at the bridge's hive of activity.

"In other news," he continue grimly, "I'll be recommending to TC Command that hives no longer be kept on the bridge, even if they can't figure out how to get the Food-o-matics to create artificial honey. The damned things are just too much trouble to..." He paused again, this time to stare at the Handi-Vac, which had begun to vibrate its way across the deck, in spite of being switched off. After a moment he glared over his shoulder at his first officer.

"Number One, if you're trying to get me to stop using that," he growled, "consider brushing yourself more regularly before you sit in my seat."

"Woooorrrrrggghhhh!" the first officer howled in reply.

"I don't care if your hair tangles, use product!"

"Woooorrrggghh!" the creature howled rather more urgently, pointing past his Captain to the bridge viewscreen.

"What?"

"Wooorrggghhh!"

"What about Timmy? We don't have a well on board. You mean a lift well?"

"Wooorrrgggghhhh!!"

"How many syllables?"

The furry creature threw up its paws in dismay, then strode forward, grabbed the Captain's head, and pointed it forward so he could see the massive maelstrom bearing down on the ship.

"Holy nerf dung!" he swore, leaping out of his seat. "What's that?"

"Sensors report an energy wave of class nine magnitude, originating from the Kilkrazi homeworld," the stoic science officer reported. "Approximately fifteen point two five seven seconds from contact."

"With us?" the captain bawled. "That's going to hit us?"

"Yes sir, in approximately thirteen point nine one-"

"Open fire!" the Captain demanded. "Razor cannons! Neutron torpedoes! Fire at will!"

The Captain watched in satisfaction, the rest of the bridge crew in growing consternation, as the various projectiles and beams impacted on the approaching space storm with no visible effect.

"Right then," Solo said, relieved, as the ship began to shake violently. "I fired first. You all saw it. Let the official ship's log record that I fired f-"

"I'm sorry, could someone slow this thing down? I can't read that fast."

The scrolling yellow autocue text paused, rewound a bit, then continued at a more sedate pace. At her podium the URP President Glorificus harrumphed and continued reading, while the assembled Senators and TC Admirals pretended not to notice the interruption.

"One URP vessel... yeah yeah, we did that bit... here we go, single counterpart from the Kilkrazi Empire, and take on board an Imperial Envoy, who will then return here on board our ship and lay the groundwork for full diplomatic relations. Any questions?"

"This is suicide," Admiral Ozymandias complained. "I don't trust the Kilkrazi. I hate cats."

"That's 'cause you're a dog, Oz," Glorificus glared. Oz pointedly ignored her, hefted a leg up into the air, and began scratching behind his ear. The President covertly signalled to his neighbour at the conference table, who rolled up a newspaper and whacked him until he settled down.

"Right!" Glorificus continued. "Any real questions?"

"What exactly are we discussing here?" Senator Rupert asked. "Beyond the immediate hairball clean-up aid... dismantling the Neutral Zone? Allowing Kilkrazi warships to enter URP space?"

"The first frozen milk planetoid they saw, they'd ignite the war all over again," Admiral Oz grumbled.

"Obviously there are going to be high tensions," Rupert went on, "and not just on our side, I'd venture to guess. This vessel we're sending, no doubt her crew are capable, but under these circumstances... Well, I don't see that we have any choice but to attach a special emissary to the command for the duration of this mission."

"I've personally selected the vessel," Glorificus said smugly. "And my office has drawn up plans to requisition the aid of a contingent of Mad Monks. I can personally vouch for their diplomatic credentials."

"But they're mad!" Oz pointed out.

"Actually their last psychological assessment by my office indicated that we can downgrade them to merely vexed-"

"I think we all know who we need," Rupert interrupted, drawing various nods and noises of agreement from the conference. "We must sent a Cutie."

Glorificus made a face. The assembled dignitaries, knowing of her habit of impromptu clay sculpture when stressed, waited until she had finished, and tossed the clay scowl aside.

"I don't think that's wise," she said at last. "The Cutie Order and their 'Aww'... They have been hard-pressed to protect the Republic of late. I believe their power has gone out of the universe, and-"

"This Republic," Rupert said gravely, "was founded on three principles: the adorableness of the Cutie Order, the spunkiness of the TC Fleet, and the megalomaniacal insanity of the Presidential office. Are you suggesting we forego our very founding principles?"

Glorificus pouted, then sighed and shrugged ill-temperedly.

"Fine," she snapped. "We'll send a Cutie."

Capsicum, homeworld of the URP
The Adorable Temple of the Cutie Order

Willow activated her blade, gazing with narrowed eyes at her target, her concentration total. In a series of swift strokes she sliced through the object in front of her, then deactivated her blade and sheathed it on her belt in one fluid motion. The small crowd of Younglings and Paddingtons applauded respectfully.

Willow picked up a slice and showed it to the crowd.

"As you can see," she said proudly, "the bread gets sliced and toasted, all at once. Neat, huh? C'mon, give it a try." She took a bite of toast and watched as her audience rushed forward, grabbed the handful of toast blades on offer, and started making a mess of the loaves of bread scattered on the demonstration table.

"Even slices, Obie," she corrected them. "Annie, it's bread, you don't have to beat it into submission before you slice it." Out of the corner of her eye she spotted an ancient, green-furred alien sidle into the kitchen stadium.

"Class, keep practising," she announced. "We'll move on to buttering this afternoon." She left the young students at their task and met the old, wise Cutie Master at the edge of the stage.

"Master Osca," she said, bowing respectfully.

"Cutie Willow," he replied, motioning for her to ride. "A task, you have been assigned. The Kilkrazi diplomatic mission, you are aware of?"

"Yes, I saw the last scene," Willow nodded.

"Meditated in my dustbin I have," Osca said gravely. "Advanced your skills are. Impeccable your cuteness is. Adorable your babble is. And this mission in particular, suited for you are."

"I are?" Willow asked. "I mean, I am?"

"Decided the Senate has that TCS Kitten's Paw this mission will conduct," the Cutie Master replied. "Been assigned to the Kitten's Paw in the past you have. Performed excellently in the company of her Captain you have. Good working relationship you have with her, I believe."

"Uh, yeah," Willow mumbled, looking away to hide a blush.

"The Kitten's Paw being recalled to Capsicum is," Osca finished. "Report to her Captain upon arrival you will. May the Aww be with you."

Yet More Space
TCS Kitten's Paw, and a bucketload of Xylon fighters

The Kitten's Paw, an elegant cruiser with an aqua-coloured hull and new-age-y kind of crystal highlights, was by all appearances not having things her own way, surrounded as she was by a swarm of robotic Xylon strike craft, which swooped and blazed at the larger vessel's shields.

Inside the bridge was a sea of red alert lights and smoke, as each impact caused a console or two to erupt in a shower of sparks. The ship's Captain held the arms of her command chair with an iron grip, remaining in place as the deck shuddered, and stared witheringly at the fighters zipping back and forth on the viewscreen.

A particularly large spray of sparks shot across the bridge, and she turned to cast an idle glance at her engineer.

"Could we turn the fuses on?" she asked.

"Aye Cap'n," the engineer replied in a thick brogue. Immediately the sparks died down, and subsequent hits by the Xylons registered only as tiny lights blinking out one by one on the fuse board.

"Better," the Captain said to herself. "Cut main engine power by half, covertly charge the magnetic cannon and give me firing control."

"Hyperdrive signature!" the tactical officer warned. "Incoming vessel, very large!"

"Here we go," the Captain smiled, settling back in her chair.

Outside the fighters ceased their bombardment and formed a rough sphere around the Kitten's Paw, while ahead a rift in space appeared and disgorged a huge saucer-shaped vessel.

"Xylon heavy carrier," the Kitten's Paw's first officer announced, "Xylophone class."

"She's where these pirate fighters have been operating from," the Captain said. "Hail them."

The viewscreen switched to an interior view of the Xylophone, which was crewed by shiny silver robots, each of whose single, menacing red eye scanned continually left and right, back and forth across its visor. The Captain of the Kitten's Paw got to her feet and addressed the apparent leader of the robots.

"I'm Captain Tara of Nine, commander of the TCS Kitten's Paw, and... Excuse me, would you mind looking at me when I'm speaking to you?"

The lead Xylon's eye stopped moving back and forth, and fixed Captain Tara with a robotic glare.

"Thank you," she said. "As I was saying, you're in violation of the Xylon-Capsicum treaty. You're hereby ordered to stand down and surrender your weapons, then depart this sector immediately."

"Statement: your vessel is surrounded and exhausted of power," the Xylon said flatly. "Further statement including self-aggrandising propaganda: you are no match for the might of the Xylon Empire. Query that is rhetorical in nature, thus requiring no answer, though allowing that if answer should be provided and prove accurate, query and preceding statements regarding Xylon superiority would be regarded in hindsight as embarrassing: how do you intend to force us to surrender?"

"Do you really want to know?" Tara asked, leaning forward and resting her chin on her palm, with her fingertip tracing the edge of the metallic arc over her left eye.

"Derisive statement that is needlessly emphatic, thereby concealing fact that we consider your reply to be suspicious in light of your apparent situation, and potentially the prelude to a means to secure our surrender that we have not anticipated, but which we shall not acknowledge due to Xylon intractability-"

"Thank you, I think we get the point," Tara nodded, pressing a tiny button on her metal faux-eyebrow. Several decks below the ship's magnetic cannon cycled into life, and the Xylons found themselves yanked off their feet and smacked against the front of their bridge. Tara addressed the screen again, which now consisted of a very close-up view of the leader's somewhat crumpled face.

"About that surrender?"

"Verbalisation: ouch."

Tara twirled a tiny control, sending the Xylon crew crashing into the back of their bridge, and then to the front again.

"Sullen grumble: we surrender."

"Weapons please," Tara smiled, releasing the battered robots. The viewscreen switched back to space, showing the Xylophone and its fighters jettisoning their assorted weaponry, before turning and limping back into hyperspace. Tara nodded in satisfaction and sat back.

"Tactical, tractor in anything out there you like the look of, then destroy the rest. Helm, lay in a course-"

"Captain, incoming transmission from TC Command," her diminutive first officer interrupted. The tribal markings on his face crinkled as he frowned.

"What is it Tattoo?" Tara asked.

"We've been ordered to return to Capsicum for reassignment," he said.

"Darnit," Tara muttered. "We're just getting settled in out here, couldn't they have found someone else?"

"And we're to take on a special agent for our new mission, a... a Cutie," the first officer added, in an awed tone. "Willow Wilco."

"Helm, lay in a course for Capsicum, engage at warp factor Real Fast!" Tara ordered.

Capsicum
Disused Cathedral of Sephiroth

The church was ill-lit, dusty, and clearly long forsaken by its cadre of Jenova's Witnesses - the perfect place for a clandestine meeting between conspirators with too much style for an abandoned warehouse, such as was about to take place. Two cloaked and hooded figures detached themselves from the shadows and slowly approached each other in front of a large stone statue of an angel, missing one wing.

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight," said the more slender of the two, in the manner of one speaking in code.

"Make my day, punk," replied the other, whose shape was clearly too large and muscular to be human.

"In space no-one can hear you scream."

"You will believe a man can fly."

"Surely you can't be serious."

"I am. And don't call me Shirley."

The pair nodded in recognition, and drew back their hoods to reveal themselves as President Glorificus, and a fierce-looking Kilkrazi officer.

"President," the feline alien growled.

"General Fang," Glorificus replied. "You requested this meeting?"

"My spies tell me a Cutie has been assigned to the peace mission," the General snarled. "That was not part of our arrangement. You know the perils of dealing with the Order!"

"A minor impediment, but already accounted for," Glorificus assured the alien. "I have dispatched additional instructions to my Baths to-"

"Grrr!" the General exclaimed convulsively.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't use that word."

"What, bath?"

"Grrrarr!"

"Sorry. I've instructed my... agents... to ensure that Willow Wilco will... bleh," Glorificus paused to untwist her tongue, "that the Cutie will not have the chance to report back to her superiors in the Order."

"You're certain?" the General demanded.

"Of course. The loss of the Kitten's Paw was not originally planned, and is regretful... but it is now necessary. And we are both committed to doing what is... necessary."

"Very well," Fang snarled. "See that you do. Because I will not allow the Empire to be drawn into war with the Cutie Order. That would be suicide!" He turned on his heel and marched away.

"Just do your part, General," Glorificus muttered to herself. "And then it matters not whether your Empire dies by 'suicide' or by conventional means..."

"What?" the General snapped, looking back over his shoulder.

"What? Nothing! Sorry. Just... I have a cough." Glorificus coughed unconvincingly. General Fang peered at her through slitted eyes.

"Why is it every time we meet, you always mutter something and chuckle to yourself while I'm walking away?"

"Uh... for luck?"

"Huh. In my experience, there's no such thing as luck." Turning again, he stalked out of the cathedral.

"Your experience is..." Glorificus paused, and waited for Fang to reappear. When he didn't, she continued: "...soon to come to an end."

Next Chapter:
Gasp! as Glorificus's diabolical scheme is enacted!
Thrill! as the Kitten's Paw faces the savage Kilkrazi!
Curse the PG-13 rating! as Willow and Tara meet!

[Darth Pacula]

Dibs! I've only read the first paragraph or so, but I know I'm going to adore this!

Cheers,
Paul.

[inlerf]

LMAO!

I LOVE THE PUNS! there should be more puns!

"Willow Wilco will" -- . "Paddingtons" . turning the temple of jedi's into one big cooking class with light sabres. PHHHH. BLASPHEMY! but funny. ;D

*bows* May the Aww be with you!

wonder who else's in the Cutie Order.

[mudrat]

Oh, dude, this rocks!!

I love this. Love the sci-fi, love the puns, love the nods to various other sci-fi sources, and Jim Henson... oh, but this:

"Wooorrggghhh!"

"What about Timmy? We don't have a well on board. You mean a lift well?"

This cracked me up, well and truly. I had flashbacks to Skippy: "What's that, Skip? You'll fly the chopper? Aw, gee... I don't think Dad'll like that, Skip."

Excellent start. Can't wait to see what's next!!

[SithLordWiccan]

Chris, you're fucking insane. You know that, right? Honestly, each time I tell myself there's no way you can top yourself, you go ahead and do it. I mean, let's run down the list.

*"Smut Bunnies", which I take as the pinnacle of all NC-17 W/T fic ever, was topped by "Gold", one of, if not the sexiest pieces of fiction ever, fanfic or otherwise.

*"Stardate: Christmas Eve", which made me a fan of a franchise I had long since abandoned, was topped by "The Sword of She-Ra", which made me a fan of a franchise I had never been aware of before.

*"Willzilla vs. Queen Tarah" and its sequel "Willzilla vs. Mecha-Warren", which were just about the height of silliness, was topped by this, which takes about every cliche in the book and makes it funnier than it could ever be on it's own.

I can't wait to see how you top yourself this time, Chris.

[Useful_Oxymoron]

Wow, I did a double-take when I saw the title to this story. Space Quest! Wow, I love space quest! The humor, the recognisability of the sci-fi spoofed, the silly names, the music, the sometimes obscure references... the horrificially funny deaths! God, I loved this series, I was so hooked on it when I was younger.

You've captured the mood and humor of Space Quest so well. I notice a lot of Wing Commander in here as well. Does this take place before the Roger Wilco Era? Commander Kielbasa was obviously a kill-zrar. uh... Lion-guy. and he was in command of the StarCon flagship.

Oh, I want a Fester Blatz cameo! Please, I need a Fester Blatz cameo!

Now I also want a Quest for Glory story with Willow and Tara! For one thing, that'd mean more atrocious puns.

Thanks for this story, Chris!

[notl33t]

By Princess Leia's small slave-girl bikini, I do thank you for this story!

The Cutie Order? Great googly moogly, what a ride you've set us on. I'm not exactly cognizant of the magnitude of the worlds you are borrowing for this story . . . I don't think I can recognize them all at this second, but I'll get back to you on that. The lampooning is excellent . . . warp factor real fast indeed.

Personally, Glorificus was one of my favorite villains . . . she was diabolical and fun. And she's a fun character to read about.

[CaptMurdock]

"Admiral Ozymandias?"

Watch it!

This is hilarious! Serves me right for reading this while eating dinner. You know how difficult it is scraping chicken and mac-and-cheese off a laptop screen?

Encore!

[WickedReds]

Chris ur amazing!.... i used to play space quest!

-reds

[Cynthia Taz]

great fic! i was laughing so hard that i almost pee in my pants (which would be a really bad thing cos i just had a shower and not gonna do any landuary 'til weekend and my pants would become really ...) anyways, can't way for the next chapter.

oh, and may the aww be with you.

[watty]

Man, Chris, that was funny.
[br]

[Emms]

this is soooo funny, Chris! I just love it. Glorificus is cool...and I'm already feeling the "awwfactor" from Willow Wilco. hehe. This is AWESOME! Can't wait for the next chapter.

xoxo
Emms

[grimlock72]

Hehe... that was indeed funny, brought back memories of SpaceQuest 5 (I think, the one where you fly a garbage collector why then flies around the earth much like the intro clip of ST:TNG

Aaanyway, I think the hostiles are named after Wing Commander? Battlestar Gallactica in there too which was fun, also with Tara asking their leader to look at her

Much dry-humour, esp. the 'I have seen the previous scene' reminded me of the movie _Spaceballs_, if you haven't seen it yet please do

Willow as a cutie makes me wonder what Tara is, seems soldier like but what army? Do cuties drink lotsa coffee to btw? Would seem hard to combine that with slicing bread that good .

May the awwww be with you indeed...

grimmy

[Artemis]

Thank you all for your kind feedback - remember, feedback is what surrounds us and binds us together. I was going to quote more faithfully, but 'feedback penetrates us' might be taken as a disincentive

Paul: Glad you liked paragraph one

inlerf: Thanks. There're various familiar faces in the Order, but for the most part our adventures will deal with the wider galaxy, and the Order will do what it always does - stay at home, dressed as farmers.

mudrat: Just for you, there'll be a Skippy reference later on - I hadn't planned it, but I can see a place where it'll fit in very easily.

Alex: I take great care to maintain my insanity - there's all sorts of therapists and psychiatric treatments out there, but I make sure to keep them at arm's length. As for what I'm going to write after this - I have no idea. I didn't even know I was going to write this.

Useful_Oxymoron: Okay, there'll be a Fester Blatz cameo This isn't set in the Space Quest universe as such - it's more like a re-imagining of Space Quest, like how the new Battlestar Galactica isn't the same world as the old one, but has all the best qualities of it, or how Enterprise was a prequel to Star Trek, but in a parallel universe where Starfleet Captains are jerks rather than heroes. (Harsh, I know...) While I can't do the music, or the hilarious deaths - seeing as neither Willow nor Tara are as amusingly stupid as Roger Wilco - I'm trying to pack in as many of the references, overt and obscure, as I can. So yes, there's some Wing Commander in the ship names (another this chapter), and the Kilkrazi, who are also kind of Klingon, but really I'm just stealing stuff from all over the place. I've been tempted by the idea of a Quest for Glory Willow/Tara fic - although being a purist, I'd call it Hero's Quest - so you never know, that may happen at some point.

notl33t: Thanks for mentioning Leia's bikini, I'd almost forgotten to put that in somewhere I'm glad you like it - hopefully it won't be necessary to get all the obscure stuff, just the main, well-known sci-fi stuff I'm ripping off, to enjoy the story.

CaptMurdock: I swear that was a coincidence - I wanted to have Oz for the dog/cat joke, and that sprang to mind as something more dignified-sounding than 'Admiral Oz'. Though in hindsight, I could've called him Admiral Ozzel after the Star Wars guy. Ah well. In the interests of savin you future hassle re: your laptop, I'm hereby attaching a put-a-plastic-bag-over-the-screen warning

Reds: Thanks

Cynthia Taz: Thank you, and I'm glad you weren't required to change pants. I'll try to keep the level of humour just a touch below pee-level. May the Aww be with you too

watty-boss: Thanks

Emms: Thank you - Willow is indeed very cute naturally. High concentration of minikittenians in her blood, I imagine.

grimmy: Oh I've most definitely seen Spaceballs - there's another small nod to it this chapter. Though I credit that 'previous scene' gag to the dual influences of reading the John Byrne run of Sensational She-Hulk, where she'd say stuff like that all the time (and even, one time, tear through the page of the comic and jump through the hole into the next scene), and Boston Legal a few weeks ago, where James Spader said to William Shatner at the end of a show, "Ah there you are, I haven't seen you all episode." The hostiles are indeed Wing Commander, and Star Trek too from their plotline - Kilrathi mixed with Klingon. Tara is an officer of the TC Fleet (we find out what the 'TC' stands for this chapter), which is essentially a police force, for whom the Cuties are the equivalent of super-SWAT officers. She's been affiliated with other groups in her past, as we'll see Cuties may indeed drink lots of coffee, but part of their training is to harness the hyperactivity - control the caffeine rush, but do not be controlled by it.

And now, on to the main event...

Author: Chris Cook
Email: alia@netspace.net.au
Rating: PG-13
Copyright: Based on characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, created by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy, and a whole bunch of sci-fi things owned by Not Me, most notably including the Space Quest series of games (Sierra Online), Star Wars (George Lucas/Lucasfilm), and Star Trek (Gene Roddenberry/Paramount). Many, many other properties will pop in and out from time to time; no ownership is claimed.

Orbit of Capsicum
URP Fleet Station Tiefighteroga

Willow watched from the station's embarkation deck, offering a panoramic view of space and the planet below, as the TCS Kitten's Paw moved slowly into its berth, between the new Fleet Flagship TCS Accordion, with its revolutionary stretch drive, and the spaceframe of the partially-constructed TCS Excel 3.0. Umbilicals and retractable walkways snaked out towards the cruiser and locked on, linking it to the station.

"Totally Cute Starship Kitten's Paw has completed docking," the station's automated announcer confirmed over the speakers. "Diplomatic passengers are cleared for boarding." An airlock cycled open, and Willow picked up her shoulder bag and made her way across the access bridge to the ship.

Her eyes lit up when, as the Kitten's Paw's airlock opened at the other end, she caught sight of Tara of Nine standing ahead of her senior staff. The Captain's lips quirked into a pleased grin, and she stood aside from the airlock.

"Permission to come aboard?" Willow requested formally, winking covertly at Tara.

"Granted," Tara nodded, as an Ensign played a rising note on a kazoo, as protocol dictated. As Willow stepped forward, Tara leaned close to her and whispered: "I'll make sure you do come aboard."

She walked ahead of Willow, affording her a moment to control her blush, then turned and waved an arm at the collection of oddballs in uniform lined up in the hallway.

"My officers," she said proudly. "My science officer you already know."

"Hey Sixty-Nine," Willow nodded to the curly-haired blonde, whose entire wardrobe was a metal bikini.

"Hi Cutie," she replied. "I don't suppose you've changed your mind on threesomes?"

"Sorry," Willow shrugged.

"Down, girl," Tara jokingly ordered. "Willow, this is my new first officer, Tattoo."

"My tribe welcomes you," the man said in greeting, bowing even lower than he stood normally. "May the great cuddly puppy spirit of the sky bless your mission."

"Uh, thanks," Willow smiled bemusedly, casting a questioning glance at Tara.

"He says stuff like that a lot," she explained. "Our engineer, Connery."

"Welcome, lass," the white-bearded man said, saluting smartly. "Och Aye. Top of the morning to ya."

"Thanks. Uh," Willow hesitated, "isn't 'top of the morning'-"

"He's from Sigma Iotia," Tara took her arm and moved on. "He just likes pretending he's Scottish, but he's got a way to go getting the colloquialisms right. Our pilot, Pilot." A formidable-looking woman in shiny steel body armour saluted with one of her four arms. "And our tactical officer, Adequatus Integer."

"Greetings," an eight-foot-tall bright red robot intoned.

"Thank you everyone, dismissed," Tara ordered. "Tattoo, a moment. Willow," she gave Willow an apologetic look, "I have to take a message from the President before we get underway, is it okay if Tattoo escorts you to my quarters? And I'll be along to, uh, brief you, as soon as I can."

"I'll be waiting," Willow nodded. Tara beamed a smile at her, then beamed out, leaving Willow and Tattoo alone.

"This way ma'am," he said, indicating. Willow fell into step beside him.

"So, you know the Captain?" he said curiously. "I only transferred to the Kitten's Paw a couple of months ago."

"Yep, we're married," Willow nodded.

"You are?" Tattoo asked, surprised. "So when she took two weeks' leave on Capsicum last month, and came back looking all glow-y..."

"Uh-huh," Willow grinned.

"The records we got from the Cutie Order didn't mention you being married," Tattoo mused.

"Yeah, it's a secret," Willow said airily.

"You mean, as a Cutie you're not allowed to marry?"

"Oh, no. We had a big ceremony last year, everyone was there, even Master Osca. We just didn't put it into the Order database."

"Why not?"

"Well," Willow explained, "so long as the records indicate that we're both single, when we're assigned to missions together we automatically get twice the allocated hot water rations for showers. It's handy - it means we can... um, take our time."

"Ah," Tattoo nodded, wondering.

"I've got six months' more at the Order Temple, training Paddingtons, then I qualify for permanent field status," Willow went on happily. "And I can transfer here full-time."

"Paddingtons?" Tattoo asked.

"Trainees," Willow nodded. "You see, you need a certain level of cuteness to be a Cutie, obviously. Younglings are inherently cute, 'cause they're, y'know, young. When they get to adolescence that fades in most cases, and they have to become cute under their own power. Until they can, they wear Paddington Bear duffle coats. That helps them look pretty cute, until they've got the hang of it on their own."

"I see," Tattoo said. "And when a Paddington graduates?"

"They become a fully-qualified Cutie Knight," Willow smiled. "Able to be cute at a moment's notice, under any circumstances. That's when we learn to use the Aww."

"The Aww?" Tattoo asked.

"The Aww is the force that binds the universe together," Willow said. "It's a kind of energy field, composed of cuteness. Every living thing, no matter what, responds to cuteness, and a Cutie who can tap into the power of the Aww can use that in all sorts of ways, like defending yourself, 'cause it's really difficult to attack someone who's irresistibly cute, and in negotiations to soothe tensions, and just generally to calm people down, put them in a good mood, and so on, which is really what interstellar diplomacy is all about, when you get right down to it. See, that there? That was babble. It's my specialty."

"It's very cute," Tattoo blushed.

"Thank you," Willow smiled. "I defused the replicant crisis in New New San Francisco by babbling, it can be very effective."

"Here're the Captain's quarters," Tattoo said, indicating a doorway. "She'll be along in a moment to... brief you..." He hesitated, realising the very probable subtext of what Tara had said.

"Thanks," Willow said, kneeling down and giving Tattoo a friendly kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you later on the bridge, okay?"

"See you," Tattoo nodded. The door swooshed closed behind Willow, leaving the first officer alone in the corridor.

"Wow," he mused to himself, "she's cute."

TCS Kitten's Paw
Half-Way Through The Last Scene

Tara took one last, lingering look at Willow, then the transporter beam surrounded her and she found herself in the ship's Omnidirectional People Transporter bay.

"Conference room, please," she instructed the self-aware system.

"Pleased to be of service," the device hummed as its beam enveloped Tara again. She suppressed the automatic wince of one who has had to listen to a blandly-corporate platitude every time she has used a transporter in the past several years.

The beam cleared with a 'Thank you for using this Omnidirectional People Transporter, available for all your intra-ship travel needs,' and Tara was in the darkened conference room, wondering once again if it would be cruel to deprive the vaguely-sentient artificial intelligence in the system of the ability to speak, as she'd heard most Captains did about five minutes after the devices had been installed. There were times her policy of compassion towards all beings not actively trying to blow up her ship was harder to maintain than others.

"Teletext One, online," she instructed. The ship's computer blinked into life.

"One call waiting," it announced. "Message from the President of the United Republic-"

"Yes, connect please."

"Accept charges for this call?" Teletext One asked.

'She called collect?' Tara frowned. 'Bitch.' Something about the President - or rather, everything about the President - got Tara's hackles up on every occasion she had dealt with the woman since being promoted to command.

"Captain Tara," Glorificus said as she appeared on the conference room's main screen, smiling her usual insincere smile.

"Madam President," Tara said, standing to attention.

"Tara, how many times must I ask you to simply call me Glory?"

"Just following protocol, Madam President," Tara replied stiffly.

"Such a stickler for doing things the proper way," Glorificus smiled condescendingly. "I wanted to add a few personal observations to the standard briefing you've received about your upcoming mission. TC Command will have told you everything you need to know, of course, but as has always been the case, a little extra information can't go astray, can it? I do, of course, retain my personal interest in your career, and I've been gratified to see you prosper thanks to my advice."

"Yes Madam President," Tara replied.

"This Kilkrazi situation is... delicate," Glorificus went on, oblivious to Tara's actual attitude. "Naturally the Empire wishes to appear friendly, given their current crisis - I understand hairballs the size of houses are raining down onto the capital city. I think it would be entirely wise for you to assume the best of them and their intentions in this upcoming mission - they'll be extremely unwilling to do anything which might jeopardise their chance at getting Republic aid."

"Oh-kay," Tara said slowly. The President's private advice was generally a lot harsher, following a general trend of distrusting everyone and everything, shooting first and not bothering to ask questions at all, and generally behaving in as evil a manner as possible.

"I think it would be a useful show of faith," Glorificus added, "if you were to, say, shut off all your sensors during your meeting with the Kilkrazi vessel. To show you trust them, you see?"

"That'd leave us unable to detect anything unusual going on," Tara pointed out respectfully, with a subtle undertone in her voice filling in the 'you crazy cow' part of the sentence.

"And of course, leaving your cannons and torpedo bays in cold condition-"

"So they'd take half an hour to bring to battle readiness?" Tara interjected.

"-would reassure the Kilkrazi that they have nothing to fear from you."

"So you'd like us to go into a delicate, perhaps dangerous situation," Tara translated, "with no ability to defend ourselves, and no ability to even record what's going on?"

"Exactly!" Glorificus smiled. "You're such a bright young girl, you catch on quickly. Well, it's been a pleasure advising you, goodbye. Er, not that this is the last time we'll speak, of course. Pleasure advising you, up until now. I'm sure I'll continue to do so in the future, as you'll certainly return safely from this assignment."

"Thank you, Madam President," Tara replied, suppressing a worried frown.

"Toodles! Bye!"

'Well, that was... more odd than usual,' Tara thought as she left the conference room. Fortunately it wasn't the first time she had to deal with Glorificus's unhelpful advice.

"Captain to Bridge," she said, tapping her eyepiece.

"Bridge, Connery here sir. Lassie, I mean. Cap'n. Aye."

"Have any instructions from the Presidential office arrived in the databanks?"

"Aye lass, we're instructed to shut off sensors and reduce battle readiness to-"

"Oh-kay," Tara sighed. "Implement Special Order 99, please."

"Aye, ignorin' everything the crazy bint says, as ordered Captain," Connery replied cheerfully. Special Order 99 had proved very useful over the years, and had incidentally always confirmed Tara's belief that the President was too lazy to look up anything with a number attached and find out what it meant when she found it referred to in the official ship's log transcripts.

"Make preparations to depart, and have Pilot lay in a course for our Neutral Zone rendezvous. Have the engine room ready for warp speed Dignified. Signal me when we're ready."

"Aye Cap'n."

'Now, Willow...' Tara thought to herself, taking a deep breath. She headed back in the direction of her quarters, electing to take the stairs this time, with a definite spring in her step.

TCS Kitten's Paw
Captain's Quarters

Tara stepped through the doors to her quarters, and was immediately jumped on by an amorous diplomat.

"I've... mmm... missed you... mmm! ... too," she managed to get out between kisses.

"I hate us being apart," Willow pouted, and immediately returned to kissing Tara.

"Only nine months more," Tara assured her, once she had moved on from lips to neck.

"Actually," she said mid-nuzzle, "only six... I qualified for accelerated promotion."

"That's wonderful!" Tara exclaimed, hugging Willow tightly. "Aside from the general wonderfulness that's you, how come?"

"Good behaviour," Willow smirked. "I can teach the advanced Paddington class without giving Annie a clip over the ear. None of the other tutors have managed that. I mean, I want to, of course - if you'd met him, you'd understand - but I just ignore him, and vent later on a galactinet forum anonymously. The 'Petulant Emo Trainees Suck' group. I'm the most frequent poster."

"That's my Willow," Tara smiled. "Finding the answer to everything on the 'net."

"Uh-huh," Willow nodded. "You know what else is your Willow? Loving you, that's what she is."

Tara gave Willow a tender kiss, then led her to her couch, where they sat cuddled close to one another.

"I wish we had more time," she lamented, "but we'll launch in about ten minutes."

"That's okay," Willow sighed, snuggling into Tara's embrace. "This is good."

"Yeah, it is," Tara agreed, stroking her hair.

"What's with the eye doohickey?" Willow asked.

"Hm? Oh, this," Tara put a hand to her brow, and detached the slim device framing her left eye. "I've gotten used to it, almost forget I have it on sometimes. It's an EyePod. Tactical linkage to the ship's systems, direct access to all the command overrides, plus it's got my playlist in compressed mp-pi format. I'm in a kind of power ballad mood at the moment."

"Neat," Willow said, inspecting the gadget. "Where'd you get it?"

"Pod People," Tara replied promptly. "They sold their entire shipment of EarPods to some Mondasians for full price, and now they're branching out into all kinds of Pods with the revenue from that. There's even a..." She leaned even close, and whispered the last word into Willow's ear.

"Really? What does that do?" Willow asked, surprised and intrigued. "I mean, obviously it goes on your... but then what?"

"I'll show you later," Tara winked.

"Tease," Willow accused.

"I learned from the best," Tara replied, unfazed. "So, how's Capsicum?"

"Oh, the usual," Willow shrugged. "Political unrest, back room double-dealings, unfeasibly large buildings being built."

"Population explosion?" Tara wondered.

"Not really - I think the President is just compensating. Which given that she's a she, is kind of worrying in the way it's manifesting itself. Of course, rumour is that her childhood was a bit weird, too."

"Ah, edifice complex," Tara nodded.

"There's been a lot of crises lately," Willow went on, frowning. "Always someone or other supposedly making aggressive moves into Republic territory. The Senate is giving more and more power to the Presidential office, which is doubly weird, seeing as everyone knows that the last thing you'd want in a crisis is the President getting involved. Glorificus's cronies have been suggesting that the Republic should form an army, instead of just relying on the Cuties and the Fleet."

"That's odd," Tara noted, a furrow appearing on her brow, which Willow obligingly kissed.

"How so?"

"Well, the frontier has been relatively quiet," Tara explained. "The usual Xylon raider attacks and Vogon system beautification campaigns, of course, but nothing with any strength behind it. And the Kilkrazi have been very quiet lately, we'd barely heard a peep from the other side of the Neutral Zone for six months before Hairball blew up."

"So what's got the President so riled up?" Willow wondered. "She's been making proclamations left and right about galactic security. I mean, she's a President, so obviously she's all with the insane self-aggrandising fear-mongering speeches, but these are different. It's like she actually expects people to agree with her."

"That's not good," Tara worried. "The whole point of having an insane President is so everyone knows who to blame whenever anything goes wrong. No-one's supposed to agree with her."

"Have you heard anything about the Fleet being redeployed, or something?" Willow asked.

"There've been some changes to the roster," Tara noted. "Captain Riley Skywalker of the Farmboy got transferred to sector command, which is ridiculous for a man who can't tie his own shoelaces, and they gave the new Battlestar Gesundheit to some guy who used to be a vice cop for House Betrayme on Floridan."

"Obviously not a trustworthy candidate," Willow agreed. "See, what worries me is there was a rumour that the Fleet was being stacked with officers loyal to the President."

"There are people loyal to the President?" Tara asked sceptically.

"I know, I didn't believe it at first either," Willow shrugged. "But things are getting difficult for the Order. It's like diplomacy is being pushed out."

"And here we are, on a diplomatic mission," Tara mused. "Which I suspect the President is ambivalent about at best.

"We should be careful," Willow suggested.

"We will be," Tara promised. "We will be." Her EyePod beeped, and she put it back on.

"C'mon," she said, extricating herself from Willow and offering her a hand as she got up. "Time to get underway."

Even More Space
The Kilkrazi Neutral Zone

The Kitten's Paw appeared in an expensive burst of special effects, and settled into a stately cruising speed. On the bridge all the officers were at their stations, calm but expectant, while Willow stood beside Tara's chair, discretely tracing patterns on her back with one hand.

"Captain, sensors report an incoming vessel," Adequatus Integer said in his echoing metallic voice. "Intercept course."

"Kilkrazi dreadnought, Doofus-class," Sixty-Nine added. "Her shields are down, weapons not targeting us."

"Steady," Tara said calmly. "Our weapons status?"

"Inactive, but prepped for five-second power-up," Adequatus replied.

"Sensors?"

"Recording everything," Sixty-Nine responded.

"Navigation?"

"Power on," Pilot reported. "Standing by for warp speed Run Away! if necessary."

"Good," Tara eased back in her seat a little, turning her head slightly so that Willow's hand brushed her cheek as she withdrew it from the Captain's back.

The crew watched with mixed apprehension and awe as the huge alien vessel passed above them, affording them an excellent view of its many, many torpedo tubes, its banks of energy cannons, its massive power plant and engines, and, inadvertently, a small sticker attached to the rear collision buffer reading 'Sylvester/Garfield in '06'.

The warship turned lazily ahead, finally coming to a dead stop facing the comparatively small Republic cruiser.

"They're hailing us," Adequatus announced.

"Here we go," Tara whispered. She stood, accepted a quick kiss from Willow, then nodded to Adequatus and turned to face the viewscreen, with Willow beside her.

"I'm Captain Tara of Nine, commander of the TCS Kitten's Paw. This is Willow Wilco, Knight of the Cutie Order. We're here to transport your delegation to Capsicum."

The viewscreen flickered momentarily as it locked on to the returning signal, and then Tara's crew got their first look inside a Kilkrazi warship, and of the fierce, muscular feline warriors who crewed it. The most imposing and aggressive-looking of them was in their bridge's centre seat, and seemed to have been caught by surprise by Tara's quick response, given that he was hunched over, had his back leg stuck straight up into the air, and his tongue was still poking out of his mouth from licking himself.

With as much dignity as he could muster, given his starting posture, he swivelled around and got to his feet.

"I am General Fang," he announced. "I am the ambassador."

Next Chapter:
Be tense! as General Fang meets Willow and Tara!
Suspect everyone (except Willow and Tara)! as treason rears its head!
Exclaim, like this! as the Kitten's Paw is targeted for annihilation!

[inlerf]

i adore the part Willow explained the Cutie and Aww!

i wonder if i can enlist to join the Cutie order!

i positively worship the chair you sit on and the keyboard you type from and that brain of yours! unless you didn't really come up with this fic, artemis!

hail!

[beanie]

That was most possibly the cutest thing I have ever read in my entire life. My god Willow is a perfect Cutie. The Paddington coats?! Where do you come up with this stuff?!!? It's hilarious but good God, it's like the ingenuity never stops in this. The weird puppy thing what's his face said, I actually thought that was normal because of the kazoo protocol. I just do not know what is normal and what is too cute in this story.

And I love it. God with blurring the lines of, well, everything!

You are just too cool.

-beanie

[Cynthia Taz]

I was so in a hurry this morning that i almost didn't see the update... good thing they got wireless on campus. Another awesome chapter! Though, I seriously think u should add this warning at the disclaimer:

"To everyone who wants to read this fic at school or at work: please do not read this during lectures/classes/boss behind your back; all these Aww will be harmful if not being able to LOL immediately."

Can't wait for more.

[spells42]

Oh Chris, this is lovely. I read it with a big grin on my face and LOL at frequent intervals. Nearly woke the cat up (not) that's asleep on my lap. This was just one of the things made me laugh:

"Not really - I think the President is just compensating. Which given that she's a she, is kind of worrying in the way it's manifesting itself. Of course, rumour is that her childhood was a bit weird, too."

"Ah, edifice complex," Tara nodded.

And I loved this:

I can teach the advanced Paddington class without giving Annie a clip over the ear. None of the other tutors have managed that. I mean, I want to, of course - if you'd met him, you'd understand

I always thought 'Annie' could've done with a clip or two over the ear.....

I just about convulsed at the image of Fang in the classic 'cat washing' pose when he wanted to be all dreadful and imposing.

thanks Chris
Anne

[mudrat]

Chris, this is fabulous - I can't express to you how much I'm enjoying it. I think I actually did fall off my chair laughing.

Even though I'm not familiar with the original Space Quest, I'm picking up more than enough nods to other sci-fi classics (Hitch-hiker's Guide! Woot!) to make this a really fun ride. And need I even mention EyePod and 'edifice complex'?
Dude, you crack me up!!

And Skippy? Just for li'l ole me? Sir, you are too kind! All this laughter you're sharing with the world must surely be bringing some good karma your way...

Can't wait for more!

[SithLordWiccan]

Chris, this has got to be the funniest fic I've ever read. I just love the various skewers to well known sci-fi franchises. And Tara explaining about the EyePod...

And Willow's just so cute. She'll be a Master of the Aww in no time flat.

Can't wait for the next update. And hopefully we'll get to see more cause...damn.

[bytrsuite]

This is excellent, Chris. Brilliant and hilarious. I can't believe how many of the references I actually get, though, I'm sure there are dozens and dozens that I'm missing. Willow and Tara are married already, so that's cool. It's always fun reading a fic that starts with them having an established relationship.

I love that Tara has a special order to just disregard everything that Glory tells them.

Can't wait to see how this unfolds!

[Emms]

WOOT! Another exciting chapter!! I love that Willow and Tara are already married. And I just... well I... I love everything about this fic, Chris. You are one talented dude!

xoxo
Emms

[watty]

This is full of fun facts, tongue-in-cheekiness and outright shoutouts to all things good and sci-fi-ish. I find that with sci-fi fics, readers who are unfamiliar with the setting get lost because the writer is too intent on showing how clever they are, how much they know about that universe, that the lay reader feels marginalized. Not that you're not clever, or don't know your universes. It's just that you are never heavy-handed about the geekiness, you present the inside jokes and references in a manner that even the most hardcore non sci-fi geek finds it oh so enjoyable.

Love the Cuties and The Aww. I wish we can utilise the power of the Aww more often. Sigh. Oh, and what a motley crew of characters. Tattoo, Pilot, Sixty-Nine and Connery the Engineer, because all engineers must be Scottish. And all troubled padawan Paddingtons called Annie must grow up to be deep breathing, helmet wearing, James Earl Jones-voiced troubled knights of course.

So many details to quote here, every sentence has an "aha!" moment for me.

warp speed Dignified

For some reasons it makes me think of Sedate Popup Windows, my mind is strange.
[br]

[Artemis]

Greetings, fellow carbon-based lifeforms, it's almost time (in about five minutes) for more Space Quest. Which means it is time to reply to your kind, heartening, and fantabulous feedback.

inlerf: Good question, did I come up with this fic? So far we've got one Buffy character acting as a Star Wars Jedi, attached to a diplomatic mission stolen from Star Trek on board a ship pinched from Wing Commander, commanded by another Buffy character with additions from Voyager, plus a crew composed of Battlestar Galactica, Transformers, James Bond, Captain Power, Tripping the Rift, more Voyager, and Fantasy Island. Plus Final Fantasy, the Muppets, Hitch-Hiker's Guide, Starship Troopers... I think all in all, I feel happy claiming to have written this story, in the same way that a chef creates a meal - all the ingredients are there to begin with, they just get rearranged and made tastier Thanks, I'm glad you like the result.

I wouldn't go worshipping my chair, though - it squeaks and the little wheels usually try to roll in the wrong direction

beanie: Thanks I like messing with everything at once, and that was always the Space Quest way - no such thing as too many in-jokes, even when they start overlapping each other.

Cynthia Taz: Thanks, that disclaimer may come in handy (at least, I hope it does).

Anne: Thank you. I'm sure I stole 'edifice complex' from some TV show or book or other, but when I looked it up on Google to try to find out what it was, I discovered that it's a real phrase referring to exactly what the joke means. There's even a book named after it. Yikes. I'm sure everyone who's ever lived with a cat knows that 'embarrassed mid-wash' pose, I just had to get it in somewhere.

mudrat: Thanks - familiarity with Space Quest isn't required, I'm not following its storyline or anything. In fact, aside from Willow's surname, this is Space Quest only in spirit, but I think that's okay, seeing as most Space Quest games rewrote their universe to suit whatever joke they had in mind at the time anyway.

Alex: Thank you. I can't promise huge amounts of kissage, seeing as this is only PG-13 rated, but there'll definitely be firm indications that Willow and Tara are putting their marriage to good use behind closed doors. And in other places, in future chapters. As for the EyePod... it may just be me, but I think Seven's cortical implant is damn sexy

bytrsuite: Thanks Glad you're liking the marriage - although I have to admit, partly they're married because I knew there wouldn't be a whole lot of character development in between the jokes, and partly it's just to make fun of Anakin and Padme

Emms: Thank you.

watty: Thanks I can't promise an appearance of helmet-wearing Annie, given the way this story seems to be going, he may just end up getting the clip across the ear that he richly deserves. There'll definitely be more 'warp speed dumb-adjective' jokes, because I love running gags way too much. I'm glad it's not all impenetrable, though - I have occasionally paused when I'm writing and wondered if anyone would get any of this, unless they'd seen all the movies and TV shows I have. But then I shrug and keep going, because I'm nuts like that.

[Artemis]

Author: Chris Cook
Email: alia@netspace.net.au
Rating: PG-13
Copyright: Based on characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, created by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy, and a whole bunch of sci-fi things owned by Not Me, most notably including the Space Quest series of games (Sierra Online), Star Wars (George Lucas/Lucasfilm), and Star Trek (Gene Roddenberry/Paramount). Many, many other properties will pop in and out from time to time; no ownership is claimed.

TCS Kitten's Paw
Omnidirectional People Transporter Bay

Willow and Tara arrived slightly late, and slightly dishevelled, in the transporter bay, receiving curious glances from Tara's crew, with the exception of Sixty-Nine who covertly gave the pair a thumbs-up when no-one else was watching.

"Do I look okay?" Tara whispered to her science officer, as she and Willow took their places in the crew line.

"A few hairs out of place, no biggie," Sixty-Nine shrugged. "Not bad for three hours 'debriefing' your wife. I'm guessing you didn't really leave much time to compose yourself."

Tara blushed, despite being quite used to the android's bluntness with all things sexual, then noticed a strand of hair hanging down over her brow, which she pursed her lips and blew out of the way. Willow reached across and tucked it out of the way behind Tara's EyePod.

"You're sure this is a good idea?" the redhead asked in a whisper.

"They're almost here, now you ask?" Tara wondered.

"I didn't want to say anything on the bridge," Willow admitted. "You're the Captain, it wouldn't do if I seemed to be questioning your authority." Tara gave her wife a warm, grateful smile.

"Love you, sweetie," she murmured. "What about later, though, in private?"

"I had more important things on my face. Mind!" Willow amended quickly, but not so quickly that Tara didn't have to use all her self-discipline to stifle a giggle.

"It'll be fine," the blonde whispered, leaning forwards slightly so that none of her crew would see Willow imitating a red alert light. "Probably a bit tense, diplomatic functions always are - but we've done this before, and the new crew members are the best. I think it'll help smooth things over later on, when the real work starts."

"A formal dinner with the Kilkrazi delegation," Willow said, shaking her head slightly. "Well, if anyone can keep a fight from breaking out, it's you." She gave Tara a grin, and was warmed by the smile she received in turn, from her show of faith.

"I've never met one face to face," she went on quietly.

"There was a Kilkrazi in the Collective," Tara reminisced.

"Really? Oh, of course," Willow answered her own query. "The Babe Collective, cataloguing the hotness of ten thousand species. So, what qualifies as hot, for a Kilkrazi?"

"Silky fur, if she was any indication," Tara replied. "I never got to know her, she joined just before I left to join the TC Academy - though at least, I remember enough that I could give Chef a few pointers on what our guests might like to eat tonight."

"Incoming transporter beam, thank you for using Omnidirectional People Transporters, safely reassembling your molecules for thirty years," the system announced.

"'Ten-shun," Tara ordered smartly, as her crew straightened up. The transporter lit up and produced three Kilkrazi - General Fang in the centre, a hulkingly-huge warrior with curly fur, marred by several scars on such of him as was visible beneath his battle armour, and a short, curvaceous female, dressed in a silky outfit that revealed a significant amount of black and white fur.

"General," Tara stepped forward. "Welcome to the Kitten's Paw." She introduced Willow and her senior staff, to each of whom the feline aliens offered a stiff nod. General Fang turned slightly, and his two companions stepped forward.

"My chief of staff, Brigadier Curly," he introduced the warrior.

"Whoop-whoop-whoop," Curly rasped in a gravely voice.

"The Brigadier suffers from a slight speech impediment, as a result of injuries taken in battle," Fang explained. "And my daughter, Mzkyti."

"Hello," the female purred.

"Hel-lo," Sixty-Nine purred in reply.

"Oboy," Tara quietly sighed. "General," she said aloud, "Brigadier, Mzkyti - the dining room is this way." She took Willow's arm and led the party out of the transporter bay.

"This is complicated enough already," Willow heard her murmur to Sixty-Nine as they passed her.

"She's gorgeous," Sixty-Nine quietly countered. "Don't worry, I'll be tactful."

"Same old Number Sixty-Nine," Willow joked, quietly enough that only Tara could hear her.

"Sometimes," Tara sighed, "I worry that it was a mistake taking on board a reprogrammed sexbot as a science officer, on a ship where her original programming isn't really that necessary."

"And then?" Willow teased.

"And then I remember how we usually have to turf five or six men and women out of her quarters every time we finish a shore leave," Tara grinned. She favoured Willow with a sly glance. "All in all, she's probably the second most 'satisfied' officer on the ship."

"Captain," General Fang said loudly, "I wonder if I might enquire, what meals your staff are preparing? We have fairly... selective palettes."

"We've secured all the necessary ingredients for a Kilkrazi feast, General," Tara promised. "You'll have the opportunity to let our Chef know your preferences."

"Nyuk nyuk nyuk," the Brigadier noted.

"Indeed," General Fang nodded noncommittally.

"Here we are, General, ladies and gentlemen," Tara added, stopping by the door to the dining room and gesturing for the guests to enter. Inside was a complicated mini-kitchen, overseen by a robot, and a sweeping dining table.

"Mood music: Mozart. Table off," Tattoo said quietly. The table stopped sweeping itself, and folded its self-cleaning arms away beneath various hatches. Soft classical music wafted out of the room's sound system.

"Mozart... I dinna believe I ken the gentleman," Connery said, frowning.

"From Earth," Pilot said quietly.

"Oh, Mo-zart, right... yeah, o'course, I know 'im. I'm no an alien," the engineer muttered defensively.

"General, Iron Chef Gort," Tara introduced the Chef robot. "Gort was previously the head chef at Milliways."

"Please select your menu style," the robot intoned politely. "Primordial soup, Kentucky Fried Dentic, fish of the day, Soylent Green, or Pizza Hutt."

"Fish!" Brigadier Curly nodded enthusiastically.

"Today's fish is trout a la crème," the robot said.

"Acceptable," General Fang admitted.

"Good," Tara smiled. "Gort, Klaatu barada nikto. If you'll all be seated, this will only take a moment."

The diners took their seats, with Tara at the head of the table, General Fang to her right with the other two Kilkrazi beside him, while Willow sat to Tara's left with the senior staff along that side of the table - except for Sixty-Nine, who was already cozying up to Mzkyti on her side of the table. The speaker in Iron Chef Gort's chest produced a tinny gong sound, and the robot began preparing the night's meal at phenomenal speed, with ingredients and saucepans flying in all directions, yet somehow managing not to get out of control.

"Thirty microseconds have elapsed," the speaker said in a pleasant female voice.

"Half-way," Tara translated. Fang and the Brigadier peered at their napkins curiously, while Sixty-Nine spread Mzkyti's on her lap for her, rather more enthusiastically than she had to.

"Sixty microseconds have elapsed," the robot's speaker announced. "Allez cuisine! Enjoy your meal," it added in its regular voice.

"Soitanly!" Curly said, grabbing his plate and tucking in with relish. Fang showed rather more restraint, eating politely while avoiding any indication that he was enjoying himself at all, and occasionally shooting baleful glances at his daughter, who was being fed by Sixty-Nine by hand, and seemed to be as interested in licking her fingers as the food in them.

"We agreed to this 'dinner' as a courtesy," General Fang said after a moment, "but I confess, this is an unfamiliar custom to us. You often share meals with potential enemies?"

"Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals," Tara replied diplomatically. "The breaking of bread-"

"Or, I understand, the last meal of the condemned man," Fang nodded.

"Lots of bonhomie going around," Willow murmured too quietly for anyone but Tara to hear. The Captain gave her a reassuring squeeze on her thigh, and kept up the conversation.

"Do you have the custom of toasting?" she asked Fang.

"We forgot to bring the toaster," Mzkyti said apologetically, handing her a loaf of bread.

"Oh, not to worry, I've got this neat gizmo," Willow offered, reaching for the sabre hilt on her belt.

"I understood that TC officers didn't carry personal weapons," Mzkyti mentioned, as Willow sliced and toasted the bread - slightly shakily, as Tara didn't seem interested in taking her hand away from Willow's thigh any time soon.

"Willow is a Cutie," the Captain explained. "She's on board especially for this mission."

"The Cutie Order wishes to monitor us?" Fang asked slyly.

"To mediate," Tara explained smoothly, "as an expert in interstellar diplomacy."

"'As the Vulcans say, we're here to serve,'" Willow quoted.

"Ah," Fang sat back in his seat. "You have not experienced Star Trek until you have read it in the original Kilkrazi."

"nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'," Curly intoned.

"Down the hall, second door on the left," Tara replied promptly.

"Nyuk," Curly said, rising and leaving the table.

"You speak Kilkrazi," Fang noted. "Very impressive. That is the question which preoccupies our people, Captain."

"'Where's the bathroom?'" Tara asked sceptically.

"In general terms," Fang continued smoothly. "With the loss of out Hairball satellite, it seems we will be reliant on the Republic for proper disposal of our excess hairballs for some time to come. Some say, too reliant. They suggest the Kilkrazi way would be to declare war against the Republic."

"How would that help?" Willow asked.

"It's what we do," Fang shrugged. "Get annoyed, declare war. It's worked so far."

"Urk!" Connery uttered suddenly, going into spasms. Willow looked alarmed, but Tara shook her head, sighing wearily as Adequatus and Pilot held Connery still. After a moment, a bulge appeared in the engineer's stomach, there was a tearing noise beneath his uniform, and a small snakelike creature slid up out of his vest and slithered away into a ventilation duct.

"Connery, I've asked you before not to bring your pet to diplomatic functions," Tara said, casting her engineer a mild glare.

"Sorry lass," Connery said sheepishly, adjusting his vest. "But the wee bugger gets lonely all cooped up in his cage."

"Is he okay?" Willow asked, still slightly alarmed.

"Yes, he's fine," Tara smiled, speaking loud enough for Fang to hear her too - the General was staring in shock at Connery - then lowering her voice to add, just for Willow, "Just be glad it didn't sing 'Hello My Baby' this time."

"General, surely the benefits of Republic membership-" Tattoo began, trying to restart the conversation.

"Oh, Kilkrazi as part of the Republic? Please," Fang scowled, regaining his equilibrium. "The Republic would never admit us as equal members - it's nothing but a homo sapiens only club."

"Actually, I'm Capsican," Willow noted.

"I was manufactured on Tetris III," Sixty-Nine added.

"My ancestors were the star-walkers of the Rubber Chicken People," Tattoo said gravely.

"I'm from Toysrus," Adequatus spoke up.

"I'm Canadian," Pilot said.

"Isn't Canada on Earth?" Mzkyti asked.

"Canadian from Canadia," Pilot clarified. "The Xenon system. People often get them mixed up."

"I'm Scottish!" Connery said proudly.

"Does that mean he's human?" Fang asked, a bit bewildered.

"He's Iotian, really," Tara shrugged.

"And what about you, Captain?" the General asked. "Are you from some outer space colony the Republic has brought under its wing for 'mutual protection'?"

"No, I'm from Alabama," Tara smiled. "I only work in outer space."

"Bah!" Fang snorted. "Bad example, you're just one of those ships with a deliberately varied bridge crew."

"Actually, who is watching the bridge, seeing as you're all here?" Mzkyti wondered.

"Remote control," Adequatus said, tapping the dual antennae built into to his head. "I don't need to eat, so I'm multi-tasking."

There was a flushing noise, and a moment later Brigadier Curly reappeared.

"Nyuk?" he asked, seeing his General fuming.

"Sit down you idiot," Fang growled.

"Whoop?" Curly asked.

"Please don't," Fang glared.

"Whoop whoop?" the Brigadier persisted.

"Oh, go on father," Mzkyti said. "He wants to do the thing with the knife," she added, for the benefit of the others.

"Nyuk!" Curly said triumphantly, selecting a steak knife and weighing it carefully in his hand.

"How far back do we need to stand while he does this?" Tattoo asked politely.

"No need for concern, my databanks recall this from a movie," Adequatus assured him. Curly held the knife in one hand, placed his other hand flat on the table, fingers splayed, and with great deliberation rammed the knife into the back of his own hand.

"Nyuk," he said proudly.

"That wasn't exactly the way my databanks recorded it," Adequatus said, as the v-shaped panel on his forehead rotated around to resemble a frown.

"Not to worry," Fang said wearily. "The Brigadier was involved in the Fifth Star War." Curly pulled the knife out, and resumed eating his seventh helping of fish, his glove occasionally pulling open at the newly-cut hole as his hand flexed to reveal a prosthetic beneath it.

"He lost his hand?" Tattoo asked.

"Everyone did in that one," Pilot said. "There were a couple of accidental hand losses early on, then it snowballed and everyone started doing it. The war actually ended because once all the combatants had lost their hands and replaced them with detachable prosthetics, both sides acknowledged that it had just gotten silly, and they all went home."

"I'm afraid the Brigadier thinks that his little trick is funny," General Fang apologised, sharing a rare look of empathy with Tara, as one commander to another when one of their underlings has done something embarrassing.

"That's quite obscure knowledge, outside of the Empire," Mzkyti said to Pilot. "You're a student of Kilkrazi history?"

"I don't get out much," Pilot shrugged, "so I read."

"Whoop?" the Brigadier asked.

"Seasoning," Mzkyti translated.

"Here y'go laddie," Connery offered, passing the seasoning dispenser across the table.

"Don't take the red pill," Tattoo advised as Curly poked at the various flavour pills on offer.

"Why not?" Fang asked suspiciously.

"It mixes badly with fish," the first officer explained. "Eat both of them, and half an hour later you'll be having an unpleasant experience in the bathroom, thinking 'Why oh why didn't I take the blue pill'."

"Captain," Fang said quietly to Tara, in a voice that - not knowing how the Aww could hone senses - he probably thought Willow couldn't hear, "tell me truly, one... warrior, to another. This peace initiative cannot have the support of your people. Surely, there can be no peace in our time, between the Republic and the Empire. It is not the place of soldiers to deal in diplomacy."

Tara's hand on Willow's thigh stilled; Willow covered it with her own, offering the reassuring contact as Tara met the General's level gaze.

"I'm not a soldier, General," Tara said quietly. "The Fleet's mission has always been one of peace, freely offered to anyone who wants it."

"I've studied your record," Fang noted. "You've fought your fair share of engagements on the frontier. Successfully, I might add."

"I've defended myself, my ship, and the people under my protection, when necessary," Tara nodded. "Only when necessary. Never in cold blood."

"In space," the General said, as if quoting, "all warriors are cold warriors."

"Not this one," Tara said simply. "General, I hope you'll give peace a chance. That's all I'm saying. The Fleet and the Republic are not a threat to you... but nor are we a target."

"Huh," Fang smiled thinly. "Well said, Captain."

TCS Kitten's Paw
Bridge

Tara, Willow, and the bridge crew filed back to their stations, in various states of unease.

"The Kilkrazi delegation has transported back to their vessel," Adequatus reported, taking the science station in lieu of Sixty-Nine, who was absent. Tara sat down heavily in the command chair, and Willow perched on the arm, with one arm around Tara's shoulders comfortingly.

"That... could have been better," the Captain lamented.

"You did great," Willow assured her. "Take it from someone who's done this sort of thing for years, the first meeting is always a frost. It's actually a good sign that anything meaningful got said, even if it wasn't particularly friendly - at least there's communication. When you don't get anything but bland, formal politeness, then you're not getting anywhere."

Tara offered her a tired smile, then leaned over and rested her head on Willow's chest.

"I'm very glad you're the one 'engagement' I didn't fight," she murmured.

"But you did succeed," Willow grinned. "And General Snooty-pants isn't the only one who's been keeping an eye on your career. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you," Tara smiled. "Well, I suppose, now we just have to wait for Fang to get his bags packed and get back here, and we'll be off to Capsicum-"

A tremor passed through the hull, accompanied by a high-pitched whine.

"Report," Tara snapped, sitting upright.

Before anyone could say anything, a flash lit up the viewscreen. All eyes watched in horror as a purple beam shot forward, striking the Kilkrazi dreadnought amidships.

"Razor cannon!" Pilot exclaimed.

"Red alert!" Tara ordered. "Shields up!"

"Confirmed, TC Fleet standard razor cannon discharge," Adequatus reported, as the bridge lights went red.

"Captain, the ship! The ship!" Tattoo pointed. Tara looked back at the viewscreen, where a second razor blast tore through the dreadnought's shields and hammered into its belly. The Kilkrazi vessel slewed off course, rolling end over end and swinging dangerously close to the Kitten's Paw as it tried to compensate for its failing engines.

"Evasive!" Tara ordered. "Tactical, was that us? Did we fire?" Sixty-Nine appeared and took her post at the science station.

"Unknown, checking," Adequatus said.

"Kilkrazi vessel is restoring main power," Sixty-Nine reported. "But, Captain, that last razor blast got through their shields. It's possible it may have affected the crew-"

She was cut off as the viewscreen flickered to an image of the dreadnought's bridge, populated as before with its senior officers, and General Fang. What wasn't as before was that all of the feline aliens were entirely bald, standing in small puddles of their own hair which had spontaneously and completely shed itself.

"How dare you!" Fang bellowed. "For this insult, I shall blow you out of the stars!"

"I did that on the pleasure world Risotto once," Sixty-Nine reminisced quietly.

"General, I give you my word-" Tara managed to say, before the furious and follically-challenged General cut the communications link. "Damn!" she swore. "Tactical, did we fire?!"

"Tactical systems report razor cannons on standby," Adequatus frowned. "No activation."

"She's coming around," Tattoo warned. On the viewscreen, the dreadnought had righted herself, and was bearing down on the small Republic cruiser.

"Willow..." Tara said quietly. Willow put a hand on her shoulder, and stroked the back of her neck tenderly.

"Do what you have to do," she whispered. Tara nodded.

"Signal our surrender," she said levelly.

"Kilkrazi vessel is refusing to acknowledge our surrender," Adequatus responded. "They are powering weapons and targeting us."

"What?" Tara asked, dismayed. "But that had to work! That worked in the movie we're ripping off at the moment!"

"I guess they're not following the same script," Tattoo said bleakly.

"If you can get them to establish visual contact again, I could try using the Aww," Willow offered quietly. "It's a long shot, but..."

"If we need to," Tara nodded. "Helm, can we outrun them?"

"I believe so," Pilot said. "Plotting an escape course aft-"

"Incoming vessel dead astern!" Adequatus interrupted. Everyone instinctively turned in their seats and looked back - a trait so common that the bridge had a viewscreen in its back wall, for just such an eventuality.

"Not good," Tara muttered. Willow took her hand and held it tightly.

To their surprise, the front half of a Republic starship zoomed into view behind the Kitten's Paw, with an extended concertina-like structure stretching off into infinity behind it. A moment later the concertina contracted, and the back half of the imposing ship snapped smartly into place.

"The Accordion," Tara said in surprise. The bridge crew heaved a collective sigh of relief as they recognised the TC Fleet flagship, easily a match for the Kilkrazi dreadnought.

"Captain," Adequatus said, his metallic voice resonating with shock, "the TCS Accordion is... targeting us!"

The viewscreen switched to a view of the Flagship's spacious bridge, and Tara stared at the ship's Captain with mixed confusion and betrayal.

"TCS Kitten's Paw," the other Captain announced. "ThisisAdmiral... ShatneroftheTCS... Accordion. You're... inviolationof... GeneralOrder... One. I'mherebyauthorised... todestroy... yourvessel."

Next Chapter:
Worry! as the Kitten's Paw faces her own flagship!
Nod knowingly! as they inevitably escape certain death!
Recall that scene in chapter one! as Willow and Tara uncover a conspiracy!

[SithLordWiccan]

DIBS!

OK, I'm back. And I gotta say, Chris. This keeps getting better and better. More references and LOL moments abound in this chapter, despite the "attempted" dramatics (I quote "attempted" only because you do such a good job of making the dramatic funny that it's hard to see it as a serious situation.)

Some of my particularly favorite one liners:

"The Babe Collective, cataloguing the hotness of ten thousand species.

So much better than the Borg. They can assimilate me anyday.

"My chief of staff, Brigadier Curly," he introduced the warrior.

"Whoop-whoop-whoop," Curly rasped in a gravely voice.

! Hee!

"And my daughter, Mzkyti."

Nice use of MKF.

"Fish!" Brigadier Curly nodded enthusiastically.

"Today's fish is trout a la crème," the robot said.

"Acceptable," General Fang admitted.

HA! Nice use of a "Red Dwarf" quote.

"You have not experienced Star Trek until you have read it in the original Kilkrazi."

"That is the question which preoccupies our people, Captain."

"'Where's the bathroom?'" Tara asked sceptically.

And nice use of the "Spaceballs Diner" scene, too.

"I'm Canadian," Pilot said.

"Isn't Canada on Earth?" Mzkyti asked.

"Canadian from Canadia," Pilot clarified. "The Xenon system. People often get them mixed up."

Hey! It's hard to locate Canada, all tucked away down there.

"No, I'm from Alabama," Tara smiled. "I only work in outer space."

to the extreme!

"Signal our surrender," she said levelly.

"Kilkrazi vessel is refusing to acknowledge our surrender," Adequatus responded. "They are powering weapons and targeting us."

"What?" Tara asked, dismayed. "But that had to work! That worked in the movie we're ripping off at the moment!"

"I guess they're not following the same script," Tattoo said bleakly.

!

Overall, nice work. And HEE! Our girls are in trouble. Hope they can pull through.

[notl33t]

Gort! Klaatu Barada nikto!

That was awesome! This day will be known as The Day My Work Stood Still. The laughing makes it hard for me to type . . . Plus the pills. Oh gods!

I was wondering: does Sixty Nine look like Seven of Nine? Ah, the visuals.

Wonderful writing. I'm excited for the next one . . . I'll be patient. It's completely worth the wait.

[beanie]

Dude, so funny.

For serious though. How are you so funny? It's crazy. Wow. Most of the funny parts were already quoted, but I also really liked this little exchange thing:

"I'm Scottish!" Connery said proudly.

"Does that mean he's human?" Fang asked, a bit bewildered.

"He's Iotian, really," Tara shrugged.

And the laddie of course. Not only do you have fantastic one-liners, you keep the good ones going. Your humor dear dude, is not something to be toyed with.

Just laughed at.

[grimlock72]

Yeah I vaguely recall some movie like this

Amazing that such battle-hardened warriors appearantly like Mozart General Fang doesn't want peace by itself, he just wants a place to drop his hairballs, if he needs something called peace for that.. ah well. Probably requires a bit more forcefull approach as opposed to diplomatic.

I see my least favourite captain has made an appearance, mr "give scotty back or I blow away your planet.." (come to think of it, such a situation is happening in the middle-east about now I think). Aaaanyway, whoever made that looser captian on such a huge ship? Nifty design btw.

Sooo.. we now have two big ship and one smaller ship in space. Now which ship is most likely to get hit I wonder... Poor General Fang will be getting verrrrry confused real soonish

Fun seeing sixty-nine being diplomatic in her own way, heh.. which will be more succesfull influencing the general, hmm...

Grimmy

[spells42]

chris
What a great way to start the day, thank you!

I don't know how you dream up such funny stuff and put together characters and story lines from such a wide range of show/movies etc. You say you take the ingredients and make them better? You certainly do! From Star Wars to the Three Stooges (?!!).

Once again, so many funny lines. I'd have to quote almost the whole story to get them all.

Thanks... I'm glued to my laptop waiting for the next episode of Space Quest!
Anne