Here is the middle part.
                        *                        *                        *
        Tara hurried down the street, walking quickly so she would get back to her apartment before it got much darker. She had decided that she needed to get out for at least little while and that maybe the Lord of the Rings movie would help get her mind off things. The theater had 1:30 PM holiday season showings and she thought she could get back before nightfall. She really didn’t want to have to walk around her new neighborhood in the dark.
        The movie hadn’t helped of course. If anything, she felt worse and perhaps more confused than before. Willow had been pretty excited about the film and had talked about going all fall, so maybe that’s why she couldn’t get her mind off her girlfriend.
        ‘Who am I kidding? I still miss her and that was something we would have done together. I shouldn’t have bothered.’
        If they had gone together Willow would have made quiet comments throughout and then afterwards they would have stopped at one of the coffee houses and she would have critiqued and picked the whole thing apart; told her where the book was better and what the film did wrong. She always liked to over-analyze anything they saw.
        Tara smiled slightly and turned towards the poorer section of town. The streets were almost vacant and less clean now and she tried to pay attention to her surroundings and not look like a victim.
        While she was in the dark theater she had come to a disturbing realization. She wasn’t sure what had triggered it, but she was positive she had let Willow down when she needed her most.
        ‘Damn it, all this isn’t my fault!’ She tried to convince herself. ‘But...I didn’t give her the support she needed. What kind of person am I if I can’t even help my lover when she desperately needs my help?’
        Willow had been there for her twice when things had gotten bad. Once, when she had misused magic to blind the Scoobies to all demons. Even though she was desperate at the time, she had known better. It had almost gotten them all killed, too. She smiled as she remembered how Willow hadn’t hesitated for a second to come to her defense. And then after Glory had sucked her mind, Willow had taken care of her, fed her like a child, somehow managed to keep going through whatever heartache she was feeling, even though the last thing they did was have a big fight.
        She shuddered and pulled her light coat closer around her as she recalled the dark place Glory had cast her into, the squirming things always just out of sight, the feeling of being dirty and ashamed.
        Willow could have given up, left her in the hospital ward with all the other crazy people. But she didn’t.
        ‘And how do I repay her? Did I say anything about how much magic she was using? Did I try and talk with her about the consequences of using too much? Damn it, I know better. Mother taught me when I was young to respect the natural balance and not use magic like a mere tool, but Willow didn’t have anyone helping her. She did it all alone. How could I have been so stupid?’
        By the time she had finally spoken up it was way too late. Why hadn’t she said something sooner? Tried to get her to slow down?
        Glass broke somewhere across the street behind her and she quickly looked up and back. Her pulse quickened as two men talking loudly threw a bottle against the curb and climbed into a rusting car. Its headlights suddenly lit the dusk and with a belch of smoke and rattling engine it hurtled by her and out of sight at the next corner. Tara took a deep breath and then started walking towards home again.
        ‘That’s not home, my home should be with Willow.’
        She still wasn’t sure why she hadn’t tried to help her more or sooner. Mostly she was afraid. Afraid that Willow wouldn’t listen to her, that they would fight again and that she would leave her. Afraid that Willow would think she was ungrateful, and decide being with her wasn’t worth the hassle.
        ‘After what Glory did I really needed her. I was so afraid of being alone, of having no-one that I didn’t want to give her any more problems.’
        And Willow was in a sort of shock herself due to Buffy’s death. She hadn’t wanted to add to that burden. Her love had seemed so hurt and despondent. Sometimes it felt like she would just give up and crumple under the pressure of leading the group and Tara hadn’t wanted to make things worse. The idea of bringing Buffy back had been so important to Willow, given her purpose and direction that she hadn’t had the heart to significantly slow things down or get her to examine all the options.
        ‘I was weak and let my emotions override my better judgment. If I’d said something that summer, tried earlier to work with her more, maybe all this wouldn’t have happened.’
        As the summer came to an end and the spell was done, she still hadn’t spoken up. By then it was obvious something was wrong but she just couldn’t bring herself to call Willow on it. Maybe she was afraid that she’d use magic on her then, or maybe she already had. Some spell to keep her quiet and compliant? Tara didn’t think that was the case, but she also wasn’t entirely positive. Willow had frightened her then because she didn’t know what she would do, how she would react.
        ‘I still should have said or done something earlier,’ she thought as she entered her apartment building. ‘I could’ve asked Giles for help, gotten his advice. He knows a lot about magic, maybe together we could have convinced her.’
        She took her keys from her purse and opened the door. Miss Kitty bounded over and meowed and rubbed against her leg. Tara bent down and picked up the purring feline and rubbed her face in the soft fur.
        “Hi Miss Kitty,” she said. “Did you miss me? Are you hungry?”
        She turned on the light and moved to the kitchen area. A roach ran off the counter and out of sight behind it. She grimaced and got a can of cat food from the cupboard and filled Miss Kitty’s bowl. She couldn’t leave food out for long as it attracted more roaches, so she knelt down and watched the cat eat. A loud bang came from the apartment next door and the first echoes of the couples’ nightly recriminations drifted through the thin wall.
        She sighed and gently stroked Miss Kitty’s back. She knew this mess wasn’t all her fault. Willow wasn’t stupid and she should’ve known better than to use magic on her. When she had discovered that she’d been mad, scared, and hurt. How could she have done that to her? But now she no longer felt the anger so much. She couldn’t shake the sense of being partially responsible, of having let down the most important person in her life. Nothing had ever been harder than leaving Willow.
        At the time she’d had no choice. She’d needed to be strong and she had been, barely. The outrage and sense of betrayal had fueled her. Why hadn’t she found that same strength earlier? What was she supposed to do now? She couldn’t think of any way she could make things better. She still loved Willow, she was certain of that, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t, live in fear again.
        ‘But it feels like I’m wrapped in cotton and everything is muted and distant. What difference does anything make? I failed my Willow, and now I may have lost her for good. Goddess why couldn’t I have been stronger earlier? What am I going to do now?’
        For the first time in several years she thought about seeking her mother’s spirit, once more, for comfort and advice.
                        *                        *                        *
        By the time Willow had showered, dressed and headed downstairs it was getting dark. She couldn’t believe she had slept most of the day, and the odd thing was she still felt tired and worn out. She was also pretty hungry and hoped to find something decent in the fridge.
        The downstairs living room was dimly lit by a single lamp, but brighter light came from the dining area. Willow entered the room and saw that Dawn was talking on the phone with one of her friends. Willow gave a half hearted smile and passed through into the kitchen. At least Dawn hadn’t glared at her or turned away.
        She opened the refrigerator door and looked inside, but saw nothing enticing.
        ‘Lunch meat, nooo. Hot dogs, yech! The lettuce looks two weeks old, and I don’t want to guess what’s in that container.’
        She sighed and reached for some fruit juice. She was hungry but everything seemed bland or boring. She wanted something but couldn’t decide what. She poured the juice into a glass and returned the jar. Alone in the faint last light of evening, she looked out the kitchen door into the back yard and drank slowly.
        It would be easy to cast a spell and summon something interesting. She sighed again watching as dusk failed and the darkness deepened. She hoped Tara was someplace safe, maybe playing with Miss Kitty or reading some of the French literature she liked. Would she be thinking of her? Maybe wishing that Willow was with her? Or, was she just thankful that she had gotten out while she could? Perhaps a little sad, but mostly angry and betrayed by the person whom she had trusted implicitly. Was it too late? Had she done too much damage to ever repair? Her juice seemed more acidic than it should have.
        The kitchen light went on momentarily startling and blinding her.
        “What are you doing here in the dark?” Dawn asked.
        Willow turned to the teenager and was struck by how young she looked. ‘Were we really that age when we first started helping Buffy and hunting vampires? It seems so long ago, like we’ve been doing this forever.’
        “Well, can’t you even say something to me?” Dawn prompted more angrily this time.
        “I,” Willow began and then faltered. “I don’t know what to say Dawnie. Are you all right? You know I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”
        “Didn’t mean? Why did you have to go there? Why couldn’t we have just gone to the movie like you said?” Dawn moved closer and her voice kept getting louder.
        “I’m sorry Dawn. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just, just couldn’t control myself,” Willow began.
        “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say? You scared me! I thought you had everything, a cool girlfriend, magic powers, everything. Why would you need to go someplace like that? And then you started acting so weird and your eyes were all black and you seemed like some sort of alky or junkie or something,” Dawn moved closer to Willow and hysterical tears started forming in her eyes. “I want things back the way they were, with you and Tara both here, with no-one casting spells on anyone and no-one trying to kill themselves!”
        Dawn flung herself at Willow who caught the teen and held her close while her arms flailed at the redhead.
        “I didn’t want you to kill yourself,” Dawn sobbed. “I hate this! It’s just like when Dad left.”
        “Dawnie, it’s OK, it wasn’t your fault,” Willow said soothingly. “Look, I know you were angry at me and you had a perfect right to be. I was acting like an idiot. Don’t blame yourself, I’m the one at fault here.”
        Dawn’s struggles subsided but she kept on weeping against Willow’s shoulder. She continued to hold the young girl and said, “I drove Tara away. I abused her trust and betrayed her. She did the right thing, the only thing she could. Look at me,” Willow pushed Dawn back and held her chin up. “I wanted to die because I missed her so much, because I was ashamed of what I’d done to her, and to you. I couldn’t think of anyway she would ever forgive me and I gave up. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it. I was weak and a coward.”
        Dawn sniffled and wiped her cheeks and nose on her sleeve. She looked back at Willow and said, “So, so it wasn’t me?”
        “No, you were just angry and confused and taking it out on me. I love you Dawn. I’ll always care for you. If I had remembered that earlier none of this would have happened. I’m the one that needs to ask for forgiveness. Can you forgive me?”
        “I don’t know,” Dawn started, at first thinking Willow deserved some teasing, but at the crestfallen look on the witch’s face, she hastily added, “OK, yes, yes, I forgive you. As long as you and Tara get back together, that is.”
        The two hugged again and Willow said, “I want nothing more than to have Tara back, but you know that’s not entirely up to me now. I hurt her and scared her even more than you. She...she may not want to come back to me.”
        “But, she still loves you, I know it,” Dawn protested.
        Willow shook her head. “Sometimes that’s not enough, Dawnie. You know that. Buffy and Angel had to be apart despite their love for each other.” Dawn gave her a hurt and accusatory glare and Willow paused for a moment before going on. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to work things out. I want her back too.”
        Dawn finally smiled and said, “Good and I’ll help. She’ll listen to me because if she doesn’t I’ll cry right in front of her. She’s a softy and that’ll work for sure.”
        “You’ll do no such thing, young lady,” Willow scolded. “No more manipulations or magic, even if it is just a little girl’s tears.”
        “Who you calling a little girl?” Dawn exclaimed. “I’m almost sixteen, and that’s the same age...”
        She trailed off at the playful smile on Willow’s face and was about to retaliate in some surely devastating manner when they heard Xander and Anya calling from the front entryway. Dawn wiped her face off once more and then the two girls went and greeted the others. Xander brought pizza and news that they had run into Buffy who was still patrolling and would be back later.
        After assuring Xander that she was doing fine, they ate in the dining room. Anya, and Xander to a lesser extent, talked about their wedding plans. They also observed that Buffy’s nightly patrols seemed to be taking longer and longer lately and wondered if this foretold some new big evil.
        Willow barely touched the food, her stomach still not entirely settled. She felt somewhat better, but also anxious and restless. Tara’s absence pressed on her. There was still some sadness, but mostly a feeling of needing to go to her, and be with her. She didn’t think the blonde was in any danger or anything like that. She just had a sense of incompleteness and unresolved issues that fluttered distractingly around her.
        “Will, are you doing OK?” Xander asked again, noticing his friend’s agitated state.
        “Hmmn,” Willow queried broken out of her mind’s wanderings.
        “You’re all better now right?” Anya asked. “We don’t need to hide the knives and other sharp implements do we? I don’t want Xander to cry a lot, again.”
        “Ahn,” Xander groaned embarrassed and angry. “Please don’t tell them everything I do when they’re not present.”
        “Oh, like this isn’t the oldest story in the book,” The ex-demon said rolling her eyes. “One lover leaves so you use the big sympathy ploy to swoop in and steal an old boyfriend back. You can’t have him, he’s mine. We’re getting married.”
        Anya put one arm protectively around Xander and displayed her engagement ring like a talisman against the redhead. Willow should have been pissed at Anya’s tactlessness, but for some reason saw nothing but humor in her actions. She started laughing.
        “No swooping here, really,” she managed to get out.
        “Who’s swooping?” Buffy asked as she and Spike entered the dining room.
        “Willow,” Dawn said.
        “Apparently Anya thinks she’ll use the situation to steal me from her,” Xander added.
        Spike grinned mischievously. “Aahh, nothing like a good spot of romantic rivalry to get the juices flowing. That’ll get you back into the swing of things. Good play, Red.”
        “Way to rebound, Will,” Buffy stated.
        “Hey!” Anya cried looking hurt at the Slayer and Spike. “Xander, they’re picking on me, make them stop.”
        Everyone but Anya laughed and no-one heard her “Humph,” of outrage. After a few moments they settled down.
        “Seriously though, Will,” Xander said. “You’ll never do that again, right?”
        “I’ve had my Winona Ryder phase and will never pass there again,” she replied. “So what are you two doing here? I thought you were on patrol?”
        Buffy looked at Spike and her face reddened a little.
        “I wanted to make sure you were all right before doing the other side of town.”
        Spike smirked, raised an eyebrow and said, “Yeah, cause you can never tell who’s being done...for on the other side of town.”
        Buffy glowered at the vampire but everyone else ignored the comment.
        “Thanks for the checkup, but I think I’m doing fine, relatively speaking that is,” Willow stated. “I just need to see Tara sometime, soon.”
        “Yeah, well don’t put it off. It only gets harder the longer you wait, trust me,” Spike said.
        Willow nodded and after a brief report on the lack of encounters during the first half of their patrol, Buffy and Spike left.
        Willow knew the vampire was right, but now felt even more worn-out The restlessness was remained present in the background, but wasn’t enough to stifle a long yawn. She still didn’t know what she would say or do to try and make things better with Tara. She got the phone number from Dawn, but couldn’t bring herself to call. It wasn’t that late but she didn’t want to disturb her girlfriend. Besides, they needed to meet face to face, not talk over the phone.
        After a short bit of small talk Willow excused herself and wearily made her way back to her room. She sighed as she saw Tara’s shirt that she had held the night before. She wished Tara were here now to tuck her in and snuggle up against her. She missed the quiet moments when they cuddled before going to sleep most of all.
        She quickly got dressed for bed and put the blouse back in its box. She crawled under the covers and resolved that tomorrow she would meet with Tara for sure. She fell asleep almost instantly.
        Wakefulness slowly came to Willow. Her wrists throbbed dully but somehow a satisfying feeling pervaded throughout her. She seemed to recall having gone to Tara’s apartment just off UCSD campus. She had apologized to the beautiful blonde witch and vowed never to cast another spell again. Tara had been overwhelmed by her sincerity and the love in her voice. They had embraced, kissed longingly and spent a wonderful day together. When they had gotten home they had snuggled in bed and fallen into a contented sleep. She sighed deeply, the memory of Tara lying beside her seemed so real. She wanted nothing else right now.
        ‘You still haunt my dreams,’ she thought, now almost fully awake. ‘If only it were that easy.’
        The problem was, she doubted it would be. She still didn’t have a plan or any inkling of what she would finally say. First off, she would have to find out where Tara was staying. That would be a simple matter of hacking into the phone company records and finding the address for the phone number. Then what?
        ‘I need to show her I’m serious and start to win back her trust somehow. Assuming she doesn’t slam the door in my face, of course. No, I have to assume that there’s still something between us. If there isn’t then...’
        She stopped that line of thought by looking at the clock. Only ten in the morning, so this time she hadn’t slept the day away. She occupied herself with getting up, seeing to her morning needs and taking a shower. As the hot water coursed over her, she once again addressed the problem of what she could do.
        ‘I need a plan and I need to find out what options I’ve got. A little research at the Magic Box, I think. Sorta get back to my roots, maybe even start thinking like I used to before things went crazy. I can’t believe how nervous I am, what if this doesn’t work?’
        She knew she had to be prepared for rejection or hostility, but she also felt that going to see Tara with a negative outlook wouldn’t help either. She had to be positive.
        After toweling off she took a couple aspirins to hopefully calm the raging headache that threatened to incapacitate her before she began. She dressed, deciding on a long blue sweater so no one would see her scars. On the way downstairs to find something to eat, she heard music blasting from Dawn’s room and smiled. At least someone was enjoying part of their break. However, when she got to the kitchen she found Dawn looking through a magazine with a mostly full bowl of cereal sitting beside her.
        “What are you doing down here?” Willow asked. “I thought you were upstairs listening to music?”
        Dawn looked up sheepishly and said, “I left that on? I just came down to find some juice, and when I’d poured a glass I realized I was hungry and so got some cereal and then saw a neat article and forgot I’d left the CD player on.”
        Willow laughed. “Meaning you hoped that the noise would wake Buffy or me so someone would cook you breakfast.”
        “Busted. Was my master plan a success?”
        “Well, not entirely. Buffy’s still asleep and I didn’t notice until I was on my way down. You might raise the volume some more next time. Or, oh, here’s a radical idea, try knocking and waking one of us and asking for breakfast. You know, the old frontal assault.”
        “That never works. Besides, it’d be too easy,” Dawn replied smiling.
        Willow felt her headache receding and her spirits rise. It really did look like Dawn forgave her and the normal, everyday interaction felt good.
        “I’ll tell you what. I don’t think I’m up to pancakes, but how about some scrambled eggs and only slightly singed bacon?”
        “Sounds better than what I’m having now.”
        Willow went about getting breakfast ready, and shortly the two were sitting at the counter eating. Dawn kept looking at the stitches on Willow’s left wrist below her rolled up sweater.
        “Does that hurt? I don’t think I could ever cut myself like that,” The young girl said shuddering.
        “It’s not so bad now,” Willow responded. “When I...did it, I, I thought it would hurt more. I don’t know, I wasn’t really thinking too clearly then. Promise me one thing Dawn, no matter how bad you think things are, or how much you think we’re ignoring you, come and talk, yell, whatever, at me before you do something like that.”
        “I will, I promise,” Dawn said earnestly. “Besides, these days all the cool people OD on something.”
        “Dawn!”
        “All right, bad joke,” Dawn said and then continued in a quieter tone after a slight pause, “Are you going to see Tara today?”
        “I mean to, probably tonight,” Willow replied, though trepidation rose up at that thought. “Do, do you think she still loves me?”
        “Yes, I know it. She always seems so sad since she left. Can I help?”
        Willow started clearing their plates and rinsing them in the sink. She hoped that Dawn was right, but also felt guilt, again, at what she was putting Tara through.
        Finally she said, “If I can think of anyway you could I wouldn’t hesitate to ask, but I think this has to be between Tara and me. You know I did some awful things and we’ll just have to see what happens. I wish I could promise more, but I can’t.”
        “At least you aren’t lying to me about it,” Dawn said and went upstairs to shut off her CD player while Willow did the dishes.
        When she had finished, the redhead got her laptop and started hacking. She was a little rusty and it took a bit longer than she had expected. She didn’t recognize the address, but thought it was near the poorer section of town. This bothered her quite a bit.
        Buffy finally came down, and while the slayer ate lunch, the two talked about nothing in particular. Buffy was still worried about money and earning an income to ensure Dawn’s future, and Willow suddenly realized that she wasn’t really contributing anything.
        “We, I, never offered to pay rent or anything did I?” She asked, a whole new realm of guilt opening to her.
        “No, but don’t worry about it, Will. I can handle it,” Buffy replied.
        “That’s not the point. What sort of friend am I? Just another big freeloader. I mean, I’d be paying for housing at the university so it’s only right I should chip in something here. You know that between my parents and my scholarship I can afford to help out.”
        Buffy reluctantly agreed and they decided to settle on an amount later, after Willow went through her finances. She then asked what her friend’s plans for the day were.
        “Don’t freak out, but I need to do some research over at the Magic Box,” Willow said, afraid Buffy would take it the wrong way. “I’m not going to cast any spells or anything. I just need to research a few things, make sure there are no long term effects from some of the spells I did.”
        The lie came easily, before she could even think about it. The guilt came next and she hurried to amend, “Well, all right, that’s not exactly true. The part about no spells is, ‘cause I’m a spell free gal now, totally. But, I want to check on a few spells in particular, check my options as it were. And I don’t know if it can be done and I want to research before I say anything, but I really, really promise it isn’t anything I’ll do without telling everyone and letting you stop me if it’s a bad idea.”
        “Will, breathe, calm down. If you have to research some magic stuff and it’s important than do it. If you don’t think you can handle it then don’t do it. The choice is yours. Giles made it clear that we have to stand on our own and make our own decisions, right or wrong.”
        “So you’re not worried?”
        “Yeah, I’m very worried. I don’t want to see you slip back. I don’t want you to suffer anymore. But I’m not your mom and I can’t monitor you twenty-four seven. The temptation will always be there and only you can beat it,” Buffy put her hand on Willow’s shoulder and added, “But if you need to talk, or feel yourself tempted you can come to me any time. I’ll do what I can.”
        Willow gripped Buffy’s hand. “Thanks. I know you’ll help.”
continued immediately below.