Space Quest!

[Darth Pacula]

Good god, Chris! I think you broke my funny bone!

ADSL? If only that phenomenon happened more often on TV! And your version of the SGC acronym ... is that a nod to a particular scene in one of my favorite episodes of SG-1? Their 'Groundhog Day' episode, where Jack and T'ealc are using the stargate as a driving range? Too cool!

Space Quest: The Comic? I'd buy that! Nice nod to Spaceballs, by the way. I'm surprised Alex didn't point it out.

My god, it's full of stars ... I mean Starbucks?

"Do I know you?"

"Buffy Summers, chosen one."

"Who chose you?"

"Uh... I did?"

Priceless!

Ahh, Glory. You made the classic villain mistake. You fought a land war in Asia ... no, wait, that's not right. She thought the heroes knew more than they actually did, and spilled the beans on her own plot. Your version of Kamino was a hoot too. Did you borrow your naming convention from the Asterix comics?

Well ... that was an impressive presidential campaign, if a bit short and ... er ... unorthodox. The president is ... well, not dead, but evil and run away, so long live the president! May she never find her clothes again!

The TARDIS, reduced to a mobile phone.

You rock, mate!

Cheers,
Paul.

[SithLordWiccan]

Space Quest: The Comic? I'd buy that! Nice nod to Spaceballs, by the way. I'm surprised Alex didn't point it out.

That's cause I'm not exactly sure that it is.

[watty]

Hee, that was funny, as expected. Everything was so funny that it's hard to pick out the funniest passages. Plus which my fingers are weak from the giggling. Down to the smartass comments in the comic. And the SGC is definitely a golf club I want to tee off.

The most important message though, is

"Oh for the last time - I'm not bi!" Buffy protested.

Yes, yes and yes! Fanfic writers who write B/F or B/any female please note! It doesn't take one look from Faith to make her gay, no matter how sexy Faith is.

Oh, and

ADSL - Assigned Decency Standard Lag

Many many dial-up victims will thank you for that laugh.
[br]

[Artemis]

Alex: Thanks Yeah, Smut Bunnies... it'll be updated eventually. The War of London is proving useful as I'd hoped in that regard, it's getting me writing other fics again (so much so that now I worry I won't update London often enough). The comic panel was me, and it did indeed take a long time - as always when I 'draw', it's mostly traced. Funny thing, I've only ever seen the first episode of Andromeda - it never aired here - but I just like how the ship looks. I always intended the Kitten's Paw to look something like that - elegant, artistic, not an Enterprise rip-off or a generic 'rocket ship', so I guess that's how it ended up looking mostly like Andromeda Ascendant in my mind. Yeah, so I gave away the ending to Attack of the Clones - but so did the trailers, so I don't feel too guilty. As for giving away parts of the plot to Revenge of the Sith... okay, no explanation there, but it's not like that part made any sense to begin with. And the TARDIS being dimensionally transcendent - actually I'm with Leela on that, it's silly. That's actually what I'd have expected the Doctor to say: "Of course it's silly, but it still works. QED."

Anne: Thank you. I can tell you already what it takes to produce this: watch lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of sci-fi. It all percolates around in my head, colliding and breaking apart and reforming, and comes out as this.

notl33t: Thanks. Sadly I doubt we'll be seeing many more TMNT references - it's been ages since I saw the cartoons, so I can't remember much more

Paul Thanks That was indeed a reference to Jack and Teal'c playing golf, one of my favourite moments from the show. I can't say I deliberately borrowed Kamino's new name from Asterix, but I do love Asterix, so perhaps it happened without me realising it. As for the TARDIS, it's probably just as well it's jammed on 'police box', otherwise these days it'd probably end up a phone the size of a credit card, and be pretty difficult to get in and out of. I'm not sure the comic was a Spaceballs reference - but again, the amount of times I've watched that, it might have been without me realising it at the time.

watty: Thank you. With regard to Faith/Buffy... actually I'm in the bi camp, but only because Faith was the only other slayer in the whole world. I'd say Buffy is 99% straight, but in that situation, where Faith was literally the only person who could really understand what it was like to be her... if things had played out differently, I could believe they'd end up together, or at least giving it a try. So that's the flimsy facade of reasoning I hide behind while thoroughly enjoying Faith/Buffy subplots in Willow/Tara uberfic, even though mostly the only-two-in-the-world thing doesn't apply. Be assured, though, that even though my standards re: Buffy's sexuality are more flexible than canon suggests they should be, in this fic at least Buffy's pants will remain a Faith-free zone.

Well then, on with the show:

SPACE QUEST!
CHAPTER NINE

Author: Chris Cook
Email: alia@netspace.net.au
Rating: PG-13
Copyright: Based on characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, created by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy, and a whole bunch of sci-fi things owned by Not Me, most notably including the Space Quest series of games (Sierra Online), Star Wars (George Lucas/Lucasfilm), and Star Trek (Gene Roddenberry/Paramount). Many, many other properties will pop in and out from time to time; no ownership is claimed.

Planet Kaminouttatherain
Home Office of Clones R Us

Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith poked their heads out of the door of their phone booth to find it raining, and themselves surrounded by an army of women in white body armour. Themselves looked back in confusion.

"That's us," Tara said. The other Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith looked at them, then the other Willow jumped excitedly.

"This is it!" she yelped. "The time travel thingy, with the- okay, what did I say?"

"I think we went too far forward," the Willow in the phone booth said.

"Yeah," Faith nodded, looking at the top of the page, "we skipped a chapter, this is the start of Chapter Ten."

"Uh, three!" the other Willow exclaimed. "No! I mean, not three- uh, think of a colour- blue- no yellow- no- argh!" The other Tara shook her head, and sighed affectionately.

"Come on," Tara said, "let's try this again."

"Quickly, what did I say before?" Willow Two demanded.

"That," Tara shrugged. "Don't worry about it sweetie. Buffy, remember?" she said to the Buffy next to her.

"Be ya later," Buffy waved, reaching for the door handle. The other Buffy tossed a key to her, which she caught just as the phone booth dematerialised.

The Mobile Phone
Somewhere in Space and Time

"'Be ya later'?" Faith asked.

"It's from some movie, or something," Buffy shrugged.

"Actually, that raises an interesting opportunity," Willow said.

"Yeah," Faith nodded. "If we'd stayed longer, me and that other me could have... hey, can we go back?"

"I was thinking more in terms of paradoxical physics," Willow frowned.

"So was I," Faith grinned. "I mean, if both of us could do that trick with-"

"We just saw our own future," Willow persisted. "We could find out once and for all if our destinies are irrevocably predetermined, or if we have the ability to alter our own fate. Suppose I were to remember what I - I mean, the other me, the future one - just said, and next time, when I'm her and she's me... no, she'd be further on in the future... I mean, when I'm her, and me here in the present, no actually me a minute ago, is, well, still me, but from my future point of view-"

Tara took her by the shoulders and kissed her soundly.

"Ahhh..." Willow sighed, after Tara finally let her go. "Thanks."

"Anytime," Tara grinned, and returned to trying to work the uncooperative time/space controls.

"You know," Faith said to Buffy, "if you ever have trouble with babbling, I could-"

"No."

"So if I remember what I just said, and when in the future we encounter our past selves... phew, got through it in one go that time," Willow congratulated herself, "what if, then, I deliberately say something other than what I said before? Wouldn't that be cool? Philosophically speaking?"

"I'd be more worried about how future us were surrounded by soldiers pointing blasters at them," Buffy pointed out.

"Oh," Willow frowned. "Yeah... Okay, so perhaps avoiding people with blasters for a while would be good. In fact, if we don't end up surrounded, that'd also serve as a good example of a predestination divergence..."

"What's this key for?" Buffy wondered, holding it up.

"Where'd you get that?" Tara asked.

"You - other you - told the other Buffy to give it to me, I think," Buffy said, puzzled.

"Maybe it's the key to my chastity belt?" Faith suggested. "It could be your future self telling you to give in to your overwhelming temptation to do me like a-"

"What chastity belt?" Buffy asked incredulously. "You're wearing combat boots and the Presidential Seal of Office on a necklace. And what is it with you and wanting to just have sex with everyone you meet?"

"I don't just have sex with everyone I meet!" Faith protested. "I've done a lot of people I haven't met - it's tricky, but if you can get a wormhole and enough lubricant-"

"Well, I'm not interested," Buffy said firmly. "My destiny is to save the universe from utter annihilation, and I don't have time for relationships."

"We're landing," Tara announced.

Planet Kaminouttatherain
May Or May Not Be The Right Dimension

Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith poked their heads out of the phone booth again, and got an eyeful. Their alternate selves and the legion of armoured women were still there, but certain details had changed. For one, there was a lot less armour than before. In fact, levels of clothing all around seemed to have taken a nosedive.

"Oops," Tara grimaced.

"This is our future?" Faith asked. "Yes!"

"Hey!" Buffy yelled at her alternate self. "Put something on! People are looking at you!"

"Sure are," Faith gloated.

"Would this be...?" Willow asked Tara.

"I'm guessing so," Tara nodded. "Come on you two, let's go." She dragged an irate Buffy and a salivating Faith back into the phone booth, which dematerialised again.

The Mobile Phone
Third Time's A Charm?

"What?" Faith protested. "That wasn't our future? But they were us! I mean, the four of them that weren't several bajillion naked blondes-"

"Theoretically," Willow began, producing her ersatz lightsaber and using it to carve a complex quantum diagram in the wall, "every decision taken radiates along a number of quantum strings equal to the potential outcomes of the decision. So-"

"Like the 'what if Buffy never came to Sunnydale?' episode?" Buffy asked.

"Uh, yes, like that," Willow nodded.

"Or the 'what if Buffy and Faith had lots and lots of sex?' episode?" Faith added.

"Ye- no," Willow shook her head. "There's a theory that these quantum strings remain roughly parallel to each other, kind of like there's some sort of meta-historical imprint on them, so you can get alternate universes that are very close to the original, except for one key difference. Usually something easy to build an adventure story around, like what if everyone was evil instead of good, or-"

"So that was the universe where everyone is naked all the time?" Faith asked.

"Looks like," Tara said from the control panel.

"Let me go back!" Faith shouted, throwing herself at the closed doors and beating on them with her fists. "I belong there! It's my destiny! In fact you know what, I'm probably from that universe, and just ended up here through some bizarre wormhole thing, or-"

"Yeah, I'll buy that," Buffy grumbled. "Um, Tara, Willow? Do you guys know how to steer this thing?"

"I thought I did," Willow admitted. "But it's a bit more complicated than it says in the manual..."

"I just did a 'fleet course in elementary time travel," Tara shrugged. "It didn't cover this. According to these controls, there's five possible directions for the flow of time."

"Let me see that," Willow frowned. "Huh, I didn't notice that, no wonder I got it wrong first time..."

"Five?" Buffy asked.

"Forwards, backwards," Willow read, "sideways, Quantum Leap, and... in and out of Faith?"

"Hah!" Faith crowed, slapping her ass for emphasis. "I'm so sexy even the space-time continuum wants a piece of this!"

"Who built this thing?" Tara wondered.

"Stand aside!" Buffy declared. "Clearly this is the moment when I, Buffy Summers, save the day." She strode over to the control console, gave it a hearty kick, and hit the 'land' button.

The Moulin Rouge
Paris, France

Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith poked their heads out of the phone booth a third time. They had landed unobserved in a darkened corner of the main concert hall, where a crowd in fancy dress were watching an exceedingly erotic stage performance by a dark-skinned woman wearing fake cat ears and a tail, and five assorted backup dancers, also in cat-themed costumes.

"Nice!" Faith grinned.

"Where the frilly heck are we now?" Willow demanded in a whisper.

"Uh... oh," Tara frowned, poking at the controls on her EyePod. "According to this, Smut Bunnies, chapter fifteen."

"But that hasn't been written yet!" Willow protested.

"I know, what's up with that?" Tara glared at no-one in particular, while Willow and Buffy together managed to drag Faith back into the phone booth.

The Mobile Phone
Alright, I Promise That Was The Last One

"Okay, clearly I save the universe at some later juncture," Buffy concluded, as Willow and Tara set to figuring out the controls once and for all.

"You know, I saw you and me in the crowd out there," Faith smirked.

"So?"

"Kissing."

"No."

"No, I did-"

"I mean, clearly this is yet another attempt to proposition me, so no," Buffy said, crossing her arms.

"Don't make me pout," Faith warned.

"You pout?" Buffy asked incredulously. "Bring it on!"

Faith pouted at Buffy, but was unprepared for Buffy's answering pout.

"I'm sorry!" she said at once, near-hysterical. "Whatever it is I'm sorry, I'll fix it, what do you need me to do, I... hey," she muttered, calming down. "That was... how the heck did you do that?"

"Aww-assisted pouting," Willow said over her shoulder. "Plus I'd say about a forty, maybe forty-five giga-puppy stare."

"That was pretty neat," Faith said, with genuine respect.

"Promise to stop trying to seduce me?" Buffy asked.

"Well... okay, how about I stop trying to seduce you a little?" Faith suggested.

"Alright, that's probably as good as I'm going to get," Buffy shrugged. Faith nodded in agreement as Buffy wandered over to see how Willow and Tara were getting on.

"Bet you all thought I was going to do a 'bring it on' joke back then, huh?" she said under her breath.

Planet Kaminouttatherain
They Got It Right This Time

Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith poked their heads out of the phone booth one last time, and quickly retreated, only to emerge again with umbrellas. The rain for which the planet had been named was teeming down like some kind of vertical tsunami. Tara led the way across the landing platform, able to see through the battering downpour thanks to her EyePod; Willow held her hand, and in turn led Buffy, who with some reluctance allowed Faith to hold her hand.

"You know, this'd fit- okay, okay, I'll give it a rest," Faith gave in, under the glare of a forming pout.

"Doesn't this planet have landmasses they could've built on?" Willow asked, nearly shouting over the din. Ocean stretched away in all directions around the domed habitat they had landed on.

"They did," Tara shouted back. "We're on one. I hear it's a drainage problem, the plumbers keep saying they'll turn up next week..."

"How aren't you cold?" Buffy asked Faith, shivering as the group reached the relative dryness of the entry alcove and Tara pressed the doorbell.

"I once took a skiing holiday on Ruhra Penthe," she shrugged. "This is pretty mild by comparison. Well, it wasn't so much 'skiing' as 'ski-instructor-doing', but I still had to get from chalet to chalet."

"Isn't that planet twenty degrees below zero?" Willow asked.

"Twenty below absolute zero," Tara added. "And that's in the summer."

"Yeah," Faith chuckled. "The hatch to the shuttle froze shut, and I ended up cutting through the hull with my nipples..."

"Someone's coming," Willow interrupted. "Let me do the talking. We'll need to convince them we're part of whatever conspiracy is going on, and that'll take delicate handling."

The door opened to reveal the bottom half of a very tall alien. It leant down, revealing a wide-eyed, guileless face, and smiled uncertainly.

"Are you here to fix the drains?" it asked.

"No," Willow shook her head. "Sorry, we're-"

"We're here to see the conspiracy stuff," Buffy broke in. "You know, secret... whatever's going on. We're in charge of it."

Willow, Tara, and Faith stared at her incredulously.

"So, could you show us around?" she went on hopefully. "Give us a basic run-down of what's going on, which we totally already know about, naturally. But just show us anyway, okay?"

"Alright," the alien shrugged. "This way please."

"What," Faith said flatly, as they followed the alien inside, "the hell?"

"Sorry, but I was bored," Buffy said. "I figured if we get this out of the way, we can get to the bit where I save the universe quicker."

"Okay," Faith nodded. "Tara?"

"Don't ask me, I'm a starship captain," Tara shrugged. "I have no idea what just happened."

"Willow?" Faith asked.

"Uh, I guess it's possible she's so sure she's doing the right thing that she unconsciously warped reality," Willow suggested. "Which is kind of scary. That kind of subconscious quantum manipulation could be really dangerous if-"

"Oh," the alien paused ahead of them and turned back. "I forgot... I'm supposed to ask you for the password before I show you any of the secret cloning facilities- oh, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about those unless they said 'Barbie'- oh, drat, that was the password. Did you girls know that was the password?" It blinked hopefully at them in the ensuing silence.

"Yes?" Tara said eventually.

"Oh good," the alien sighed. "That's a relief. Sorry, follow me."

"Or we're just dealing with a very gullible conspiracy," Willow whispered.

"That shouldn't really have been a surprise," Tara said. "Glorificus hasn't exactly been Kaiser Sozay so far."

"What was that about cloning?" Buffy asked.

"Here we are!" the alien announced proudly, opening a door in front of them. They entered a circular chamber, in the centre of which was a pedestal bearing a DNA sample vial, above which was projected a hologram of a naked woman.

"Hey, that's... that's me!" Buffy protested.

"Nice!" Faith grinned. She quickly crossed the room to the holographic pedestal and started searching it. "Are there controls to this?"

"So that's what they did with Buffy's DNA," Willow mused.

"You guys knew about this?" Faith asked.

"Oh, that's right," Willow nodded to herself. "You missed chapter seven."

"Whatever. Can you make her bend over?" Faith asked the alien.

"No," Buffy said flatly, snapping off the tip of the holoprojector. "Now, what are you weirdos doing with my DNA? Uh," she hesitated under the alien's quizzical stare, "that I totally know already, and jut want you to jog my memory on?"

"No problem" the alien smiled. "I'm like that myself a lot of the time - names, places, security procedures... I think this should explain everything." It pressed a button on the pedestal, and the walls of the room rolled up to reveal floor-to-ceiling windows. The room was atop a spire in a vast chamber, filled with women exercising, eating, sleeping, studying, training, and sparring with all manner of weapons. All of them, to Faith's delight, were wearing only bras and g-strings.

"Oh, boy," Willow muttered.

"Are they more Buffies?" Faith asked. "Score! I'll take twenty! Do you do gift-wrapping?"

"They don't look a lot like me," Buffy frowned.

"We call them Barbies," the alien explained. "They are of course clones based on your genetic sample, but the process of accelerating their grown to maturity caused various alterations in appearance as a by-product."

"That's a pretty lame explanation," Tara observed.

"Yeah, I bet they just wanted to be able to use the clones all the time without having to pay the original actor," Willow suggested.

"Over here you can see the deployment stage," the alien continued, drawing everyone's attention to the rear of the chamber, beneath the enclosed walkway they had come across. The Barbies were lined up in rows, mechanically removing their underwear, patiently waiting while small pepper-pot-like robots barking "Ex-fo-li-ate!" groomed them, then donning white armour and assembling in ranks. As each platoon of Barbies was completed a cargo airlock beside them opened revealing the interior of a waiting troop ship, which they boarded.

"As per the Republic's instructions, we've so far produced over five million Barbie Troopers," the alien burbled on happily. "The submersible troop ships can begin orbital ascent in five minutes once the order is given, which should be plenty of time to defend the Republic from... what was it we're doing all this for, again?"

"Something to do with the Kilkrazi?" Tara suggested.

"That's it," the alien beamed. "They're to defend us against the Kilkrazi."

"How'd you guess that?" Faith asked Tara.

"Well they showed up so much at the start of the story," Tara shrugged. "They had to figure into the finale somehow."

"So just theoretically," Willow said to the obliging alien, "if we were all to very quickly return to our ship and get the heck out of here, would you find that suspicious at all?"

"Oh," the alien said. "Well, perhaps - I mean, if there didn't seem to be a good reason for you all to leave so soon-"

"Suppose we'd left the laundry in the machine back on our homeworld?" Willow asked.

"Yes, that would be an adequate explanation."

"Okay. We left the laundry in the machine back on our homeworld," Willow said. "So we'll just be going now, okay?"

"Of course," the alien nodded. "Feel free to come back any time you need to have your own scheme explained to you."

"Thanks, we'll do that," Tara nodded as they sidled towards the door.

"I couldn't just get a free sample?" Faith tried one last time, as Buffy dragged her away. They ran along the corridor, only to see the door to the landing pad closing ahead of them.

"Crap!" Faith swore.

"Sorry!" the alien called from the other end of the corridor. "It wasn't me! I'll make a call and see if I can get that opened for you..."

"This is taking too long," Tara muttered.

"Wait!" Buffy said, staring at the door. "The keyhole - I've got the key! My other self, I mean my future- whatever. Here." She quickly inserted the key, which caused the locking mechanism to flash green and slide open.

Planet Kaminouttatherain
The Landing Pad, Again

The heroic foursome raced back out onto the landing pad, only to find themselves surrounded by armed and armoured Barbie Troopers.

"Hey we just got called a foursome!" Faith exclaimed.

"Not like that," Tara shook her head. One of the Barbies took a step forward and held out a holocommunicator, which projected an image of a gloating Glorificus.

"So, you thought you'd escaped me," she, well, gloated.

"Point of order," Willow said, raising a finger. "We're here tracking down your conspiracy, so I don't think we could really have been said to be trying to 'escape' you, in any meaningful way."

"Yeah," Faith scoffed. "If anything, we made it easier for you to catch us. I don't think you should get full credit for this, even. It's an assist, at best."

"Shut your trap, skank," Glorificus snarled.

"You're calling me 'skank'?" Faith snapped back. "Listen honey, I may have had sex with representatives of every sentient species in the universe - in fact, in seventeen cases, with the whole species - one time simultaneously, but it's not as tricky as it sounds, some aliens can do stuff humans can't, so... what was I saying?"

"You were insulting Glorificus," Tara reminded her.

"You sure I wasn't having sex with someone?"

"Not that I noticed."

"Damn, I haven't had sex in fifty seconds," Faith grumbled. "I'm going to forget how it's done."

"Fifty... wait, we've all been together for the last half hour at least," Willow said with a puzzled frown. "How...?"

"Oh, I had it off with that alien while you were all watching Buffy unlock the door," Faith grinned.

"Call me, honey!" the alien waved from inside the dome.

"How did you do that?" Willow asked, intrigued despite herself.

"It's a knack," Faith grinned modestly. "Believe me, you can't have more sexual encounters than the galaxy has hydrogen atoms if you don't make an effort."

"Uh-huh... I think I'll stick to taking my time," Willow concluded.

"Whatever works for you," Faith shrugged.

"It works for me," Tara murmured in Willow's ear.

"Are you people done?" Glorificus's hologram interrupted. "I'm ordering you executions here!"

"Actually you haven't yet," Buffy pointed out. "You made some nebulous, and I think we proved erroneous, reference to us not having escaped, but you didn't really get any further than that..."

"Shut up!" Glorificus exploded. "Barbie Troopers! Shoot them!" The Barbies raised their rifles, aimed, and waited.

"Uh, what's going on?" Buffy asked.

"It's a cliffhanger," Tara whispered. "The chapter has to end with them about to shoot us. So they can't open fire yet."

"Huh," Faith said, looking around at the Troopers. Buffy whistled a tune, and Willow looked at her watch.

"Kiss?" she asked Tara.

"Any time," Tara smiled, ducking to nibble Willow's ear, then kissing her soundly. Faith turned to Buffy.

"You sure you don't want to-"

"No," Buffy shook her head.

Next Chapter:
The thrilling conclusion to Space Quest!

[SithLordWiccan]

DIBS!

ETA: I applaud you, Chris. You certainly have a talent for making people laugh. The whole sequence of events at the start of this chapter reminded me a lot about the Red Dwarf episodes "Rimmerworld," (the first scene) "Out of Time" (the whole aspect of time hopping and not getting where you want to go) and "Tikka to Ride." (Willow's who explanation for it, which is a lot better than Lister's ever was. And at least it wasn't as boring as an in-flight magazine produced by Air Belgium.

A alternate reality full of Naked!People? Nice.

"Forwards, backwards," Willow read, "sideways, Quantum Leap, and... in and out of Faith?"

HA!

Nice preview of "Smut Bunnies," too. Can't wait for that to get updated.

A whole army of Buffies? Sounds a lot better than that other army. And I gotta wonder what their preprogrammed instructions for "Order 66" are. Nice little cameo with the Daleks, too. I was expecting to see them (per your little hint that they would show up.)

Faith'll screw anything, won't she? And great cliffhanger, too. (In the grand tradition of "Dragonfire: Part One" no doubt?)

Anyways, can't wait to see it end.

[spells42]

Chris
I am, once again, in awe of your ability and freakish (in a good way!) imagination. This is funny and clever and I'm loving the totally weird convolutions of your fantasy.

I've often wondered what it must be like to live with your mind - makes the rest of us (well, me anyway) seem dull and ordinary.

Looking forward to more.

Anne

[dlline]

Chris,

Oh my god! I just found this. I spent the bulk of the afternoon cleaning spit-takes off the screen of my monitor. I will not try to break it down... the whole thing is a freaking riot.

Keep up the good work,
Diane

[watty]

See, this is how I like to read B/F. You have a point that B and F (more so than Buffy and Kendra because they were too different, and hadn't had sufficient time together) had being slayers in common, that no one else in the world would understand them. How you've written their interaction here is both hilarious and realistic. Buffy isn't jumping Faith's bones just because Faith jiggled her boobs at her, she's putting up a fight. And if you decide to get them together at the end, it's realistic because Faith would have hacked her way somehow through Buffy's defences and the end result will be rewarding.

I really liked the travelling phone booth universes. What a way to dimension hop. Very meta of you to: 1) have Faith realise they missed a chapter; 2) include a shout-out to Smut Bunnies! 3) the Kilkrazi reference about how much they showed up earlier in the story they've may be booked their place in the finale and 4) arriving at the cliffhanger and telling us it's a cliffhanger. Heehee.

The one tone that stood out for me was Tara's efficient and to-the-point comments.

"We're landing," Tara announced.

and

"Don't ask me, I'm a starship captain," Tara shrugged. "I have no idea what just happened."

and

"This is taking too long," Tara muttered.

and of course

"It works for me," Tara murmured in Willow's ear.

(um, in a quotaphilic mood today) She feels almost zen, Oz-like.

Oh, nice bad guy, expositionary but helpful Alien.
[br]

[Artemis]

Alex: Thanks I would've liked to put in a Special Order 66 joke, but I already used that in an earlier chapter... actually, who cares about repeating jokes? *scurries off to make last-minute edit to chapter 10* Right, thanks for the idea... Yeah, I can't wait for Smut Bunnies either - fortunately I'm getting a bit more writing done than before, so we can hope it won't be too long coming. And yes, Faith will indeed screw anything - though I have to admit, in spite of them being basically fish-people, I did find the Kaminoans weirdly elegant, so that wasn't quite so much a stretch of the imagination as various other alien species might have been. I don't know that the time-and-space-hopping was a reference to anything in particular - I imagine that I've seen so much of it, with Doctor Who and Red Dwarf and Star Trek and so on, that Ive just got a generic 'dimension jump' idea in my head, with no ties to anything specific. The idea of the girls meeting themselves from later in the story was definitely from Bill & Ted, though.

Anne: Thank you. This story is pretty much what it's like to live in my mind, so that's that question answered.

Diane: Thanks, and sorry about the monitor I hope the riot feeling continues through to the conclusion.

watty-boss: Thanks. Ah, the irony - all that time setting up a situation where Faith could get into Buffy's pants, and it's destined not to be so. But don't worry, Faith doesn't go away empty-handed, as such... I did get very meta there, but it gets easier the longer the story goes on - there's more previous story for the characters to be self-aware about. I'm not sure I was deliberately writing Tara as zen (or Oz-like), but I think it works - she's a starship captain, so she must have developed a confident, assertive (even alpha-female in some senses) personality. But there's still an element of 'shy Tara' to her, and I suppose that manifests in her being very efficient with her assertiveness, getting her point across directly and without fuss - she doesn't make a big deal of herself, even when she is a big deal (in story terms - of course Tara's always a big deal in gorgeousness terms), and there's a layer of self-checking to her, as opposed to Willow who's more liable to just let the contents of her brain escape through her mouth with no restraint at all.

Well, without further ado:

SPACE QUEST!
CHAPTER TEN

Author: Chris Cook
Email: alia@netspace.net.au
Rating: PG-13
Copyright: Based on characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, created by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy, and a whole bunch of sci-fi things owned by Not Me, most notably including the Space Quest series of games (Sierra Online), Star Wars (George Lucas/Lucasfilm), and Star Trek (Gene Roddenberry/Paramount). Many, many other properties will pop in and out from time to time; no ownership is claimed.

Planet Kaminouttatherain
Still on the Landing Pad

"...so then," Buffy said, while Faith leaned back a deck chair with a half-empty beer bottle balanced on her bosom, "she starts whining to mom, you know the way little sisters do, where they turn 'mom' into a four syllable word? 'Mo-oo-oo-om!' And of course she gives in, and I end up having to drag her along on my final qualification hunt, and oh my god, she just cannot shut up, twenty minutes into the hunt I had the enemy team leader in my sights, and she drops down out of the tree to ask her where she got her gauntlets from, and if they come in blue. Ah-choo! Damn, this rain's really starting to piss me off."

"I'd offer you more clothes if I had any," Faith shrugged. She glanced around, and jumped, startled.

"Oh, hey!" she poked Buffy in the side. "We're on!"

"What? Damn! Willow, Tara!" Buffy rolled around on the landing pad deck pulling her boots back on, while Faith kicked her chair over the edge into the ocean. Willow and Tara appeared a moment later, somewhat flustered, from the doorway into the dome.

"What's up?" Willow asked.

"The chapter's started," Faith said briskly.

"Where were you guys, bathroom break?" Buffy asked.

"Uh, yeah," Willow smiled too brightly, adjusting her robes while Tara surreptitiously finished zipping up her silver uniform.

"Glorificus?" Faith asked, tapping the empty holoprojector, which the lead Barbie clone was still holding out. "Yo, game on, we haven't got all day."

"Already?" Glorificus asked, sliding into view in the hologram. "But the last chapter took almost three months, how come this one's-"

"Hey, quit your yapping and give the order!" Faith snarled. "We're not going to execute ourselves, you know."

"And no meta," Tara added sternly. "Villains don't get to be meta."

"Screw you blondie," Gloroficus sneered. "Barbie Troopers-"

"Wait a sec!" Faith held up a hand, as a second phone booth materialised on the landing pad, just in front of the first one, and another set of Willow, Tara, Buffy and Faith peered out of it.

"That's us," the previous Tara said.

"This is it!" Willow jumped in excitement. "The time travel thingy, with the- okay, what did I say?"

"I think you tried to pick a number," Faith whispered, while their past selves consulted.

"Uh, three!" Willow yelped. "No! I mean not three- uh, think of a colour- blue- no yellow- no- argh!" Tara shook her head and sighed affectionately.

"Come on," her past self said to her companions, "let's try this again."

"Quickly, what did I say before?" Willow demanded.

"That," Tara shrugged. "Don't worry about it sweetie. Buffy, remember?" Buffy frowned in confusion for a second, then quickly pulled the dome key from her belt and tossed it to her other self, just as the phone booth vanished.

"Okay, that's not proof of predestination!" Willow insisted. "I had a spaz attack, that's all - there could be millions of possible futures, and a spaz attack still would have been overwhelmingly likely. Okay, how about we get back in the time machine, and see if we can- wait a second, where the frilly heck did that key come from?"

"I got it from myself earlier," Buffy said helpfully. "Ah-choo!"

"But you only had it to give to yourself because you gave it to yourself," Willow persisted. Faith snickered to herself.

"Sweetie?" Tara said softly.

"Uh-huh?" Tara kissed her on the tip of her nose.

"Not important," she smiled.

"Okay," Willow shrugged. She dug a pack of tissues out of her robes and tossed them to Buffy.

"Nice," Faith nodded, impressed. "I thought she was going to go on for ages about that."

"We've got a system worked out," Tara smiled, just a little smugly.

"Whatever," Glorificus huffed. "Barbie Troopers! Shoot them!" Tara shot a glance at Willow, who nodded subtly. Without any run-up she skidded forwards and kicked the lead Barbie's hand, causing her to smack herself in the face with the holoprojector and fall to the deck unconscious. The other Barbies all opened fire, filling the air with laser blasts, which nonetheless all curiously managed to miss their targets.

"Oh-kay," Buffy frowned. "This is odd."

"Nah, I've seen this plenty of times," Faith smiled. "We're lead characters, they're nameless background drones - they'll never hit us."

"So what was with knocking out just the one of them?" Buffy asked, as the four of them strolled through the hail of laser fire.

"Just being thorough," Tara said.

"She'd done something vaguely noteworthy," Willow clarified. "So there was a slim chance she could have done something to alter the outcome of all this. These other girls, no way, we're perfectly safe."

The rate of fire slackened somewhat, as in lieu of hitting their intended targets, most of the shots fired had ended up hitting other Barbies and knocking them into the ocean as their chestplates took the brunt of the blasts. The remaining Barbies whittled each other down until, with convenient precision, the last two blasted each other into the ocean to join their soaked and unhappy comrades. Faith picked the lead Barbie up over her shoulder and heaved her over the side.

"What was that for?" Buffy asked.

"Just being tidy," Faith shrugged. "Plus, I got to feel her butt."

"Hey!" Buffy protested. "That's my cloned butt!"

"The cloning process might have changed its shape," Faith said reasonably. "I could do a comparative study if you'd like-"

In orbit of Kaminouttatherain
TCS Kitten's Paw

"-no possible argument you can make, logical, emotional, or otherwise, that will convince me to sleep with you. Ah-choo! Dammit!"

"Sex with me might cure the common cold. You'll never know unless you try."

The phone booth finished materialising at the back of the ship's bridge, and Willow and Tara emerged, followed by Buffy and Faith, still arguing. Tattoo quickly vacated the captain's chair and Tara seated herself, with Willow standing at her customary position beside her.

"Got here as fast as we could, boss," Tattoo reported.

"Where's the rest of the Fleet?" Tara asked.

"Fashionably late," Sixty-Nine said, reaching around Mzkyti, who was sitting in her lap and purring. "They should be here any minute now."

"Hi again," Faith winked at the science officer. "Cute pussy."

"You too," Sixty-Nine replied with a smirk. "My quarters, after the inevitable space battle finale?" Mzkyti purred louder.

"It's a date," Faith nodded.

"Reading one vessel approaching from the far side of the planet," Adequatus Integer intoned. All eyes, aside from Mzkyti's which were busy hungrily traversing the length of Faith's body, turned to the viewscreen, on which a huge black sphere with a giant '8' on it loomed into view from behind the curve of the planet. As it neared a circular window in its surface became visible, at the centre of which was the barrel of a gigantic cannon.

"Outlook not so good," Tattoo read off the front of the giant space station.

"Red alert!" Tara ordered.

"Power on," Pilot reported from her console. "Engines on standby for warp speed Better Part of Valour."

"Destroyer droids ready to transform and roll out in the event of boarding," Adequatus Integer added. "Shields and weapons primed."

"Reactors at full capacity, lassie!" Connery put in via intercom from the engine room.

"Willow?" Tara asked. "Do you recognise that weapon?"

"It's nothing the Cutie Order's familiar with," she replied apologetically. "It must be something Glorificus came up with on her own."

"Send an encrypted transmission," Tara ordered. "Sector zero-zero-perfect-ten, codeword: babealicious."

"Transmission sent," Sixty-Nine said. "Captain, incoming vessels astern!" she added in a worried tone. In quick succession the Republic fleet arrived, inadvertently blocking the Kitten's Paw's escape, followed by the Kilkrazi armada behind them, intentionally blocking their escape. Barely a second later yet another fleet of starships - all painfully bright pink, identifying themselves as Barbie vessels - rose from the planet and spread out in front of the confused mess of fleets.

"Hang on, how come all the ships just showed up for a battle at precisely the same moment?" Buffy complained.

"One mega space battle, just in time for the finale," Sixty-Nine concluded glumly.

"That's right!" a gloating voice echoed across the bridge. "And now that this battle station is fully operational, you and your friends are doomed!"

The viewscreen switched to the interior of the Death Ball, where Glorificus was standing back and brooding. Front and centre was a feminine android of some kind, with a variety of battle arms, claws, lightsabres and blasters attached to her chrome body.

"Who the heck are you, lady?" Faith demanded.

"I am General Devious!" the robot cackled. "The most feared warrior in the galaxy, right hand of Miffed Cutie Glorificus, and-"

"Never heard of you," Faith snorted.

"I thought Harmony was Glorificus's right hand lackey?" Tara asked.

"What the hell kind of name is 'Devious' anyway? Buffy put in. "Do you want to maybe grow a moustache so you can twirl it, just so we're sure you're evil?"

"Silence!" self-proclaimed-General Devious shouted shrilly. "Harmony was... well, she didn't... see, she was really just someone in a robe, and-"

"Not selling well as a toy, so they replaced her with some half-assed robot?" Willow guessed.

"Ye- no! Well, yes," General Devious sulked. "But I can still kick all your butts from here to... wait, is this a cartoon, or a movie?"

"Movie," Willow and Tara said at once.

"Oh." Devious's face fell. "Well then, I guess I can't really... y'know, do anything intimidating... so... um, I'll just be going. Bye."

"Madam President," Tara said with quiet sarcasm, as Devious slunk off the bridge and Glorificus took her place.

"Quit gloating," Gloroficus snapped. "So you escaped my Barbie Troopers on the surface, but this is different! The Barbie fleet can destroy unnamed, unimportant ships like your Republic fleet, and once they are the Kilkrazi have finished killing all of them, the Barbies will turn on them, wipe them out, and I'll rule the galaxy!"

"Thank you," Willow nodded. "Very succinct plot summary. One slight flaw, though..."

"...you forgot about us kicking your sorry ex-Presidential ass," Tara finished.

"You're all big with the butch," Willow whispered to her, grinning.

"I had to listen to her crazy orders for years," Tara whispered back. "This is very cathartic."

"You won't be kicking anyone's ass, blondie," Glorificus snarled. "Not after we blast you and your girlfriend there with this fully operational Cliché Cannon!"

"Confirmed," Sixty-Nine reported. "Reading a field of over seventy mega-Independence Days from that weapon, and rising."

"Cliché what now?" Buffy asked.

"We're in serious trouble," Willow paled.

"Why?"

"We're lesbians," Tara said grimly. "If she hits us with that cannon, we'll either die, or turn evil."

"Probably both," Willow added.

"What about me?" Faith asked. "I'm not technically a lesbian. I could sleep with a bunch of guys right now in fact, if it'll help."

"You're notably promiscuous, and wearing next to nothing," Tara pointed out. "If you get hit, you'll probably get attacked by half a dozen slasher movie monsters." Unseen, Buffy snuck off the bridge.

"Toodles, lame heroes," Glorificus smirked. "I'd say it's been nice knowing you, but it... hasn't. What with you being good, and me evil... so, no."

"Couldn't you have come up with a better final taunt than that?" Willow demanded.

"Hey shut up! You think it's easy engineering galactic domination and coming up with one liners? Gunners, prepare to fire!"

"Cliché field passing one hundred mega-Independence Days!" Sixty-Nine warned.

"We're boxed in," Pilot reported. "Too many ships on all sides, we can't warp out!"

"Tactical?" Tara asked.

"Their shields are too strong," Adequatus said. "No way to do sufficient damage to shut them down in time."

"This looks pretty bad," Tara admitted quietly. Willow reached down and held her hand.

"When we first met," she said softly, "you were standing there in the doorway looking at me, and obviously the first thing I thought was 'Oh wow she's beautiful,' but the second thing I thought was 'There's no way she'd be interested in me'." She looked down at their joined hands, and smiled. "This... is pretty good."

"Yeah, it is," Tara agreed.

"Captain, someone's launching from the shuttle bay!" Sixty-Nine interrupted.

"What? Who?" The bridge crew watched as one of the Kitten's Paw's tiny shuttles raced ahead of them, heading directly for the Death Ball.

"Hey guys," Buffy's voice said from the speakers.

"Buffy?" Tara exclaimed. "You're right in the path of the cannon!"

"Get out of there!" Faith insisted.

"Don't worry," Buffy chuckled. "I'm the chosen one, remember?"

The screen whited-out for a second as the Cliché Cannon fired, Buffy's tiny ship taking the full blast head-on. Everyone on the bridge leaned forward, nervously waiting for some sign of what had happened to her.

"See?" Buffy said, untroubled. "Nothing to it. Ah-choo!"

On one the Kilkrazi warships, which had been listening in on the subspace signals, a communications officer was startled by Buffy's sudden sneeze, and jumped out of his seat, knocking an ensign carrying coffee behind him over, who in turn spilled the coffee in the lap of the pilot, who accidentally hit the afterburner pedal. The warship lurched ahead, hitting the ship in front of it, which spun around and struck its neighbour, and so on through the entire Kilkrazi, Republic, and Barbie fleets, until a Barbie Holiday Fun Dreadnought collided with the Death Ball, the impact of which caused one of the Cliché Cannon gunners to drop his clipboard into the main Contrivance Generator, which overloaded.

"What the heck was all that?" Faith wondered, as the Cliché Cannon exploded, leaving a gaping hole in the stricken Death Ball.

"She's the chosen one," Willow grinned.

"The best cliché you could ask for" Tara explained. "So she went from being a... somewhat self-absorbed teenager into a true heroine, just in time for the finale. And after that mega-cliché blast, anything she did was guaranteed to save the day. Good thinking, Buffy," she added.

"Is that what happened?" Buffy asked, steering her shuttle back to the Kitten's Paw, as the Death Ball began to break up. "I just thought I was being heroic."

"That's why it worked," Willow told her.

"Fine!" Glorificus shouted, reappearing on the viewscreen, amid her wrecked bridge. "I can still take you all out the old-fashioned way! Barbie fleet, prepare to open fire on the Republic fleet!"

"More ships incoming!" Sixty-Nine reported.

"They're friends," Tara smiled.

"Glorificus would do a lot better if she didn't keep preparing to fire," Faith sniggered. Around the various confused would-be combatants, an armada of gigantic starships appeared, each one a perfect sphere with a nodule protruding from its centre.

"Babe Collective Boobships!" Willow gasped in surprise.

"Oh that's just not fair!" Glorificus protested, over the din of her battle station falling apart around her.

"Hey, you're the one who broke out the clichés," Faith shot back.

Simultaneously on all the Barbie vessels, women in silver uniforms much like Tara's materialised, put their hands on either side of each Barbie's head, and spoke in unison.

"WE ARE THE BABE COLLECTIVE. SHALLOWNESS IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE INDIVIDUALISED."

"What are they doing?" Buffy asked, arriving back on the bridge.

"The Collective records and catalogues the hotness of every species they encounter," Tara explained. "And hotness is, of course, all to do with personality. They're downloading individual identities into the clones' minds."

"WHAT?" Glorificus shrieked. "But they're my clones!"

"Actually they're my clones," Buffy objected.

"Now they're their own clones," Willow finished smugly. "Uh, figuratively speaking."

"But-" Whatever Glorificus was going to say was interrupted by the gratuitously pyrotechnic final destruction of the Death Ball. The various watching space fleets backed off as bits and pieces of battle station tumbled away into the void, while those on the Kitten's Paw watched with some satisfaction as the bridge module - attached to a piece of the giant window, displaying 'Reply hazy; ask again later' - plummeted down into the planet's perpetually-storm-tossed ocean.

"Open a channel," Tara said over her shoulder to Sixty-Nine, before standing and facing the front of the bridge. "This is Captain Tara of Nine, of the TCS Kitten's Paw. All Barbies who still want to follow ex-President Glorificus, signal your intentions now please."

"Anyone?" Willow asked, as the comms channel remained steadfastly silent.

"In that case," Tara continued, "as a formal representative of the URP, I'm declaring this climactic sequence complete. Stand down, everyone. Good work." She resumed her seat and let out a long sigh, while Willow perched on the arm of the command chair and ran her fingers through Tara's hair.

"I meant to ask you," Faith interrupted, "why 'Tara of Nine'?"

"Nine was my mother's name," Tara said.

"Why-"

"Because my grandmother had a lot of children, and not much imagination," Tara answered before Faith could finish asking.

"Oh, okay," Faith shrugged. "I was just wondering if there were eight more of you around somewhere... hey, that gives me an idea. Hey Buffy! Sex?"

"No," Buffy snorted, crossing her arms.

"No problem," Faith laughed. "I happen to know where there's a whole bunch of clones of you, and what with the individuality, I bet some of them feel like having their minds blown right about now."

"I'd estimate somewhere in the region of one hundred fifty-seven thousand," Sixty-Nine added.

"Hot damn!" Faith punched the air. "That's my weekend taken care of. Is my ship in that big mess out there? Can you find the Clitoral Hood?"

"Can I?" Sixty-Nine asked incredulously.

"Heh, okay," Faith snickered. "Send Shellie a message to get my quarters ready for between one and two hundred thousand guests - we'll need the special queen-sized bed with the extra dimensions built into it. And contact the clones, tell them anyone interested in finding out what Special Order 69 feels like can drop by any time." Faith chuckled to herself, then winked at Buffy. "Sure you won't join us? Or I could just watch, while you and they... you know, technically that'd just be masturbation. You do masturbate now and then, don't you?"

Smiling at Buffy's exasperated eye-rolling, Tara quietly turned command over to Tattoo, and led Willow by the hand off the bridge towards her quarters.

TCS Kitten's Paw
Captain's Quarters

"So we saved the galaxy," Willow sighed, leaning back into Tara's embrace. "Now what?"

"Are we still rated PG?" Tara smirked.

"Afraid so. You really think I'd ask 'now what' otherwise?"

"That's okay... I only have to wait until the end of the scene."

"Vixen."

"You love it."

"Uh-huh. Oh hey! I bet Faith could have a word with Master Osca - you know, in her Presidential capacity - and get my qualification for permanent field status moved up to right about now. If you'd like?"

"'If I'd like'?" Tara chuckled. "Let me see, would I like my wife to be by my side as we explore strange new worlds and so on with the Star Trek opening spiel? Hmm, difficult decision..."

"Take your time," Willow teased.

"Oh look at that," Tara said, as if vaguely surprised at something. "Someone must have ordered ship's services to expand my quarters to double-size and stock it for two people. You'd almost think I'd been looking forward to having you here with me all along."

"Yeah," Willow agreed, "funny that."

"I suppose, in that case, it'd be easier if you did move in," Tara suggested.

"You're probably right," Willow grinned.

"You, uh," Tara said, "you know I was joking, with the non-committal thing, and-" Willow confirmed that she did indeed with a lengthy kiss.

"Wow," Tara breathed, once Willow came up for air. "I love you."

"Love you too," Willow murmured.

"I like how you say 'yes', too."

"I have all kinds of ways of saying 'yes'. Wanna try out some more?"

"Here, let me try," Tara whispered, gently rolling Willow over and crouching over her.

"Mmm," Willow sighed as Tara began massaging her shoulders. "Oh, while I think of it... I got a bulletin a while ago, they're holding the inaugural Galactic Space Race soon, and I was thinking, what with you having this lovely starship, and you know how much fun it is when we go on adventures together-"

"Space Race huh?" Tara grinned.

"Interested?"

"Let's do it," Tara agreed. "But not right now. We'll save it for the sequel. Right now... I have other plans for you..."

"Ooh! Oh, that's... wow... mmm yeah... uuuuhhh..."

[SithLordWiccan]

DIBS!

ETA: Chris, I knew this fic would end in a silly way, and I was certainly not disappointed. Once again, you've proven to be an inspiration to all of us Kitten writers who aspire to be like you.

And I can't speak for everyone else, but I wanna be assimilated by the Babe Collective. Much cooler than being assimilated by the Borg.

Kudos, Chris! Thanks for another great story. (And let's hope this leads to an update for "Smut Bunnies.")

[dlline]

Chris,

OMFG, you are a genius. An incredibly sick, twisted one, but a genius nonetheless. You have a talent for making me expel coffee at the most inopportune times, but we've had this conversation before. I guess the best place to start is with a couple of quotes.

"We're lesbians," Tara said grimly. "If she hits us with that cannon, we'll either die, or turn evil."

"Probably both," Willow added.

No shit. At least some of us are getting to the point that we can laugh about it.

"Glorificus would do a lot better if she didn't keep preparing to fire," Faith sniggered.

Isn't that always the problem. I'm reminded here of Dr. Evil with his overly-long explanation of his assasination plot concerning the ill-tempered mutant sea bass. Didn't work out too well for him either.

...while those on the Kitten's Paw watched with some satisfaction as the bridge module - attached to a piece of the giant window, displaying 'Reply hazy; ask again later'...

See aforementioned comments regarding coffee.

Anyway, Chris, loads of congratulations for this fabulous story. I can't wait to see what kind of madness spews from your evil imagination next. I'll be eagerly awaiting.

Diane

[Emms]

That was hilarious Chris! What a spectacular ending.

I loved the beginning with the whole talk about how the chapter's starting. that was so funny.

My favorite line had to be when faith said:

"Glorificus would do a lot better if she didn't keep preparing to fire,"

I thought briefly about putting it in my sig, but I think it would lose something out of context hehe.

Super DUPER!

xoxo
Emms

[spells42]

Chris
Sooooo funny. Loved the 'meta' commentary, esp. the beginning of this chapter with Faith and Buffy relaxing and Glory being called up to finish the 'scene'. Also the cliche cannon's effect on lesbians ..lol.

Thanks
Anne

[tazraven]

Jeez. You know what? I really have to stop judging fics by their settings.

I saw this a couple weeks ago and thought... "Hmm, a space quest/wars setting, not my thing." So today I sat down and opened up this story. And to what should have been no surprise, I loved every word.

Laughing my frickin ass off Chris. I loved the Space Quest computer game when I was younger, and I should have realized that your writing would capture that same literalism and sarcasm that I loved about the game. This story made me laugh out loud so many times, my girlfriend thought I was going crazy.

I can't quote all the parts I want to, mostly because you know this is hilarious, but there is one quote I just have to stick in here.

in and out of Faith?"

"Hah!" Faith crowed, slapping her ass for emphasis. "I'm so sexy even the space-time continuum wants a piece of this!"

OMFG! I think I laughed for a good minute and a half at that. Ok, some other bits to mention. The comic page. Hahaha. Once again, almost died. I really can't say enough good things about all of this, just know that this is now hailed in my opinion as the funniest piece of fanfic I've ever read.

I loved everything about this fic, and I express my heartfelt apologies for not reading it in the first place. Once again, awesome.

~Sara

[Cynthia Taz]

I was laughing so loud that my friends looking at me funny for a whole week... (well, more than usual...)

Buffy saving the world by a sneeze 'cos she's the chosen one... I don't think the universe's ready for 157 thousands Buffy-s though, i mean, how many ships gonna get destroyed if they all sneeze...

I want a Babe Collective Boobships model...

Great work! Sequel?

[watty]

Heehee.

Heehee.

Heehee.

Yeah, you've reduced me to a giggling mess. In a good way.

Of course Buffy will be the one to save the day, otherwise she'd have to return her 'chosen one' cape. You're right, Faith doesn't come away empty handed, more like hundreds of thousands. Glorificus, ack not much of a villain with her constant need to explain her evil deeds. Okay, that puts her at the top of the class for villain activity.

Ah, Captain-Cutie love. And when does Tara kissing Willow's nose to stop her babble get tired? Never.

Oh, sidetrack time.

my grandmother had a lot of children, and not much imagination

We were driving up from Chicago to Toronto on Friday, and on the way were street and place names like 'Nine Mile Road' and 'Third Line' and 'Seventh Lane' -- we were just commenting on how unimaginative the forefathers were when they were being pioneerific.

Anyway,

the inaugural Galactic Space Race

I think they should use the phone booths to return to Seattle Airport to settle old scores and ensure the right racers win?
[br]