As Time Goes By

[Willow~Rosenberg]

Hello again. Wow, you certainly write fast. What's this about two updates a week? Be still, my heart.

The convention was a lot of fun. Tony was very nice and personable, very soft-spoken. He's a little bit sillier than Giles, which is always fun. Very positive experience. I recommend attending a Buffy convention if you ever have the chance.

I loved the bit of comic relief in the bathroom. It's nice to see Tara nd Willow being silly despite the horrendous events of the past day. I could totally picture Dawn and Buffy barreling in to save the day, and finding two toothpaste-covered witches looking sheepish. Then Dawn's comments about the noises was also amusing.

I would also like to applaud the use of the sash from Willow's robe as a seque into the serious conversation. Brilliant.

The talk between the girls did not disappoint. Tara understands the human mind/heart relationship so well. She listens to Willow and her concerns without getting all judgemental. That is a very rare quality to find and explains why our girls get along so well- communication. They always talk about what is going on between them.

Willow's insecurities stem from a lot of separate things that are not too difficult to connect and expand upon for her to reach a boiling point. I wonder how much of Willow's childhood she has shared with Tara? Have you mentioned this previously? If so, forget the comment. Tara has told Willow about her disastrous high school coming out incident, but I wonder how much Tara knows about Willow's experiences other than they were unpleasant. Tara is usually very forthcoming/more in tune with her emotions than Willow. As Willow pointed out when she tried to speak with Dawn in GS&A: Tara does emotions, she doesn't. That probably heightened her vulnerability to the attack.

Also, Tara's insecurity about her body is unfathomable to Willow. Willow probably, at some point, wishes that she had more curves, while Tara wishes that she had less curves.

Great update, as usual.

[hermitfish]

Hi Mary...okay all reread and caught up. Rereading wasn't strictly necessary because this story resonates in the memory but I wanted to at any rate.

This story, like your others, is a work of art. And I can say this despite the fact that I'm not normally much for kidlet fics. You do a masterful job of making the story about the baby but not (I'm glad that makes no sense). What I guess I'm saying is I love the multifaceted nature.

As far as form, the dialogue is so crisp. Definitely some of the best on the board. They can banter, they can toss one-liners, they can soul search and find personal revelation...it all hits the spot perfectly. It makes you laugh right out of your chair or grab at your heart as it slowly breaks. The whole spectrum.

Another thing I love is how well you write group scenes. They flow so wonderfully. You make them feel like the great group of friends they're supposed to be with camaraderie to an exponential and beyond. You keep them in character but you add your own touches. Exactly what I think of when I think of the Scooby relationship dynamic.

The last update...beautiful. Isn't it funny when we, as a species, meet others and discover their insecurities, we can find them endearing or part of what makes them unique but when we look deep at our own insecurities we're embarrassed or defensive or acutely uncomfortable about the perceived lack of perfection. Perception seems a fickle thing sometimes.

Loved the rabid Crest moment…nice change of pace.

Thanks so much for coming back to this.


~Cyd

[JustSkipIt]

Hey Mary,
Well I'd say that feedback was my one of the week. On this one, I'd say this seems the type of conversation that is necessary and meaningful and all that good stuff and just oh so yucky to have. I mean do we ever find ourselves attracted to someone else? (not yet but I'm sure it will happen). But the important thing is being committed. You see that you're attracted and then you love your partner and your relationship more. That's what it seems like to me. Anyway, I think that's where they basically get to. A lot of talking and I'm glad it was yours. Well done. Debra

[innergeek]

Wow, I’d best drag my sorry ass out of lurkdom and respond to this story….like now.

Firstly, an apology to all you lovely Kittens out there who not only take the time to write truly stupendous stories, but leave such profound and thought provoking feedback that I’m considering quiting therapy altogether.
It’s. Just. That. Good.

Plus the community y’all have built….it’s just awe inspiring. Makes me want to be a Kitten too, instead of the magpie I currently am with the hording of shiny things like fan fiction. Color-coded and organized in a spreadsheet with hyperlinks to the word docs. (I like to think Willow would be proud)

I have to confess a rather large measure of intimidation at leaving feedback here in a place where, not only the story is exceptional, but the quality of feedback is really high. But I shall endeavor to swallow my fear and enter the fray….

Tara grinned ruefully. "I know. It would be really nice if our Big Issues, capital 'B,' capital 'I,' announced themselves as such upon arriving."

"Wankers," Willow said resentfully.

I find myself saying “yes, yes, yes” a lot throughout your stories. And even more often, “I wish I was more like that”. There’s such a profound emotional honesty in this update (and really, in all of your stories) that is totally real and believable. The interspersing of thoughts after zingers like:

Could anyone else sit here and have a conversation like this and be so centered?

Damn! I definitely want some of that.

"Willow, did you have a crush on Faith?"

Willow bit back the denials that came rushing to her lips, begging for immediate deployment into this danger zone, and made herself consider the question.

I could really relate to the biting back of denials…those pesky little buggers are always rushing around so. It’s like they always get the quickest freeway exit out of our mouths. While our honest emotions are tootling around on some back country road enjoying the scenery.

"So you think I'm attracted to her?" She was trying to follow Tara's line of thinking, but her emotions kept cutting in on that line.

Ah yes, being able to think while the emotion soup is at a rolling boil…there’s a skill I definitely want. And need.

Tara grinned at her. "Witness one of the great singularities of lesbian love. When we think someone's trying to horn in on our partners, we also get jealous that she's not trying to horn in on us."

Boy, howdy, ain’t that the truth….

Willow, feeling about seventeen pounds lighter than she had for the last ten minutes,

Me too!!! I heaved a great big sigh. I think maybe this update really weighed in at about 45 pounds, but you lighted that considerably with the “rabid toothpaste incident” as well as the other relief producing humor sprinkled throughout.

Like:

"OK...Climbing onto the clue train now, baggage fully stowed in its overhead compartment."

And:

all sorts of nooks and crannies in Chateau de Personal Issues."

Love, love love your sense of humor! Can I borrow it sometime and take it to work with me?
I have this soul-sucking government job that could definitely use a strong injection of big-time humor. Hell, even some little-time humor should help. It’s like watching the Stepford Wives, only really up close and personal. I wish I could read this stuff at work, but we’re watched, and some web sites are just plain blocked. I have to get out of there….
OK, how in the frilly heck did I get to talking about that!?

Now resuming your regularly scheduled feedback….

Another great thing about reading all the fabulous feedback you get is that I feel like I’m getting to sit in on the secret inner workings of really great writers. Just about all my favorite Kitten writers hang out here. I’ve always loved to read, and as an only child, I spent many many hours delving into the wonderful world of books. They were my siblings, my extended family, and my friends. I’ve even taken my own feeble stabs at writing, but seem to find myself overwhelmed by all the details. The plot, the structure, the emotions, the POV…eeek…! So much to think about. I guess I never figured out how to get out of my own way. You make it look so easy and effortless, but reading your feedback and responses make me realize that a great deal of wonderful ingredients are in this delicious soup you’ve made.

I beleive that one of the best things a writer can do is make their readers think. And you do that. Every. Single. Time.

I am deeply grateful that there is a place such at this and writers such as yourself willing to share your considerable talents with us.

Thank you so very very much.

innergeek

[watty]

Mary, hope you had a nice weekend. Again, I didn't edit the earlier post because you already replied to several feedback. Was watty jettisoned into seventh realm of heaven? You betcha! And then some.

What an insightful conversation, and much needed, thank you. Willow's

"The human mind is not meant to bend around so many things in one night," she said softly

summed it up for me. How could they even begin to understand all that had happened one night, and will continue to happen to them? Who did they need to protect next? What can they do?

How they opened up, and tried to analyze their minds and hearts, it's touching. Too late for the big bad, cos I think it has moved on to another target, but it brings them even closer together as partners, lovers, parents.

I chuckled a lot at the toothpaste antics. It was what they needed to lighten up the atmosphere. Plus which, oral hygiene is of utmost importance. How many times have we seen the girls tumble into bed, with hot smut ensuing, then waking up the next morning having skipped brushing their teeth and even washing their hands and faces. Dawn's

"How many weird noises typically come out of their room?"

got another barrel of laughs from me too.

But the laughs sobered up a little. I don't believe the conversations with / between the rest of the gang will go as smoothly, because simply there isn't the level of deep understanding. I'm still worried about the next target and the reason for the attacks.

Thank you again Mary for bringing such a thoughtful story to us, thank you.[br]

[meretricious]

mary, thought i had already left you fb on this chap, but it doesn't look as though i did. i think when i saw the truly groan inducing, run from the room holding your nose pun that was "crest-fallen", i was rendered incapable of leaving fb. that's my excuse anyway, does it work?

it was very good though to see the rabid silliness, and emotional release that goes with it, before getting into big talk area. not sure i have anything constructive to add to the much and worthy praise you've received already for the big issues convo. i think you especially excel at capturing the moment between the visceral emotional "no!" answers willow wants to give, and the reluctant "maybe" that comes with self-honesty. my strongest thought as i watched (and it does feel like watching) how deftly tara was able to draw willow out without judgements or recriminations was that you must be one helluva therapist.
definitely felt a parallel when willow was waiting for tara to deny finding faith attractive and being met with "silence" to their first kiss back in "on second thought" and willow's thoughts of how (paraphrasing) "it's that easy, just say nothing" and they'll be kissing. the contrast of the silent anticipation of good things then to anticipating unpleasant things now, did you think that up years in advance?
seems that now the group is playing the mental game of scooby russian roulette, hope they don't become too myopic and forget there are other do- gooders around town. the palpable menace of the "force" definitely permeates this update, even while you diffuse the tension with your unequalled humor and wry observations. still, the force is there, waiting for someone, very creepy and vague. and a little 1984 with the "worst fear" scenerio, wondering if the next suicide might be some guy named winston who hallucinates rats? yeah, probably not. ~ mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello all. I didn't get back until late last night, but the update is ready to be posted right after these replies. You know, some people have commented on the quality of fb on this story and I agree. I read your reactions and they make me think. I love that interplay. I also love foreplay, but I guess that's not really what we're talking about here. The point is, people have such great ideas and you think about things with such depth. Whether you leave a line or a novella, I appreciate it.

Russ: Hi Russ! So good to have you on board!! I loved your quote about temptation--so true. You know, I'm always amazed when I do eating disorder groups at the reactions of the members: they can clearly see how beautiful the other women are, but the lenses through which they view themselves are so distorted. You ask good questions about what happens next. Talk to Amber--she's having supper with me tonight. (OK, not really.)

Isn't Jixer's story great? I love the cat protagonist; he writes it so well.

Thanks for the great thoughts, Russ.

Safuega: You know, I don't know much about the zodiac...Any thoughts on Pisceans?

Blow up when ignored? Oh, yeah...Our feelings find a way in whether we throw open the front door and offer them an appetizer or not. I also share your fascination with the mind and brain. I mean, the delicious irony of using the object of inquiry as the instrument of inquiry...

You know, I think it's so easy to write W/T as having either a perfect relationship or to throw one big obstacle in their way that they have to overcome. I'd be surprised if they didn't find themselves attracted to other people at some point; they're certainly going to notice that some women are really, really attractive. But what do they do with that? And I really resonate with your observation about the evolution of their relationship. They can talk about things at a deeper level, or that's the idea. It doesn't have to be bliss 24/7 or some external threat.

Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words. If I'm capturing the emotions with reasonable clarity, more than half my work's done.

And by the way--you don't have to be an evil lawyer, do you? Of course not...You work on the macro and I'll work on the micro and we'll save this wacky old world yet, Safuego!

Jixer: I love how you put it: What about the child? I can only imagine, and that's part of why writing Kyra is so important to me. I also smiled at your contrast b/w Tara's ancient hurts and Willow's neatly packaged ones. So true...

Gotta get over and leave fb for the final installment of Where Angels Fear to Prowl. I loved that story!

Thanks for following my stories so well and so regularly, Jixer.

WillowRosenberg: OK, it's official: I gotta go to a convention!

You know, it felt almost imperative to write a little levity, just to give our girls a chance to catch their breath and bask in some (relative) normality for awhile. But then--yes, they needed to talk. Thanks for the compliment on the segues--it felt like a good fit. (No pun intended.)

I really liked your point about Tara's openness relative to Willow's. I think of that great scene on their roof in S5, where Willow says the stars were a comfort to her and Tara asks if things were rough at the hospital. Willow just shrugs, while Tara gazes at her seeing a great deal, I suspect. On that occasion, Tara could follow Willow's lead but on this one she needed to press the issue b/c so much was at stake. (Nice quotage from the earlier story, BTW!) But as Safuega pointed out, this kind of conversation both requires that they be at a deeper level and helps move them to that level.

Wonderful thoughts, WR. I really enjoy your feedback.

Cyd: Oh goddess, thank you for your thoughts on the delivery of kidfic. I had some real reservations about doing one, but felt drawn to it. (Coulda been gas...) I absolutely loved your phrasing: it's about a kid but not. Yes, that's it: it's not just about Kyra but she's an absolutely integral part of the story.

And thank you, too, for your compliment on the dialogue. I enjoy writing that, and it's nice to know that it works. Group scenes are also fun to write. These are such great characters (as originally written by JW) that sometimes I feel like what I most need to do is just hover in a corner of the ceiling and watch them, trying to capture what they're doing.

Finally, your observations about our reactions to our own vulnerabilities versus those of people we care about--so well put. Fickle indeed--and more than occasionally self-defeating.

Thanks, Cyd, for your observations. They make me think--always a good thing. And whenever you get a chance to update "Relinquished Symmetry," I will be one happy Kitten.

Debra: Oh my God, he's even cuter. In his little tub/pool, all grinnin' and happy...

Yeah, this felt like a piece that needed to be heavy on the dialogue. A lot just happened, on several fronts, and before they can move on they need to begin to make some sense of it. Glad you enjoyed it!

Innergeek Welcome! I'm so glad you came out of lurkerdom! Trust me, this has the nicest people you'll see, and rest assured that your own feedback was lovely and articulate. It is a great community, and I'm really glad I found it. Post to any story whenever you feel like it; you'll always be welcome (Mary said, speaking rather presumptuously for all other writers, but trusting they would back her up).

Great image, with the denials/easy answers always ready to hit the express lane while our honest reactions are otherwise detained on State Route 2857. Great scenery; relaxing drive--not always a good way to get someplace.

You can definitely borrow my humor. I'll send it in a plain brown wrapper so as not to alarm the more genteel folks at the post office. Sorry to hear about the occupational soul-suckage, by the way. It sounds like it's pretty demoralizing on a regular basis. I hope there's some good stuff as well.

Thank you for saying I make it look effortless, but you're absolutely right: it's anything but. I tend to get hung up in logistical details; for example, shouldn't Kyra be eating sometime around now? How much detail do I include about daily events? And the POV gets tricky, too, b/c I often use Willow as my perspective: her mind is always going, so I don't worry about her missing much. But I may play with that soon. All that by way of saying keep writing! If you want a great reference on the subject, try Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Absolutely beautiful.

Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such exquisite feedback, IG. You clearly have great ideas of your own; you're always welcome to share them here!

Watson You know, I love that you picked up on the "bendable mind" comment, b/c as I wrote this update I kept thinking, "Could anything else have happened to them today?" It felt imperative to offer some testimony to that fact.

And yes, yes, yes (sorry--got a little carried away) with the oral hygiene observation. I mean really, girls--lust is no excuse for poor dental maintenance.

I'm curious to see what you think of where I go with the nasty mind fuck element, but you're right: our girls have the deepest level of communication.

Thanks for your support and kind words, Watson. You know, The Amazing Kitten Race is highly recommended. I'm not usually much of a reality show fan, and I'm not sure of the premise, but I want to check it out!

Mary, Mary--Yes, Crest-fallen was scary: I needed to interject some silliness into the scene, b/c I think they would have exploded without it. The idea came out of the blue--Willow was just brushing her teeth and then suddenly she was spitting. I just liked the image.

Wonderful parallel of Willow's perception of silence in anticipation of the good and of the unpleasant. I wish I were planful enough to think that far in advance but as it is--not so much. But heavens, yes--I've been in that moment when I just want my partner to assure me that all is exactly as I want it to be...and she can't. And it's always good that she was honest, but in that moment--just make me feel better!

You're absolutely right: they aren't the only white-hats in town. I won't let them forget it, and if they try, I'll write them doing really, really embarrassing things. Thanks for the nice thoughts on my work, by the way. You know, I don't see Tara as my mouthpiece at all, but she's definitely reflecting some of my frustrations with how this group of allegedly close-knit friends has handled emotional stuff in the past.

Thanks for following this and sending such great observations, Mary.

OK--update to follow.

[AntigoneUnbound]

AS TIME GOES BY

Part 16

Pairings: Willow, Tara, and enough Astroglide to turn Houston into a water park.

Distribution: With permission. Without permission, I shall hunt you down and bring pain unto your person. (OK, probably not--just wanted to sound tough.)

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I never had sex with that woman; I am not a crook.

***************

Willow had never tied one one before--the kind of monster drunk that left you hugging the toilet and praying to seventeen deities and your grandma's ghost just to make the heaving stop. She'd never had to face the next day's mortification, where everyone stares at you and the thought bubble above their head reads, "Do you have any idea what you did last night? Or whom?"

She was relaying this to Tara the morning after That Night.

"Baby, it just feels so awkward to see everybody. I'm afraid they're gonna walk on eggshells around me, or just stare at me."

Tara put down her brush and turned to face her. "Willow, sweetie, in the first place, you were attacked by some very cruel, very powerful bad guy--or bad girl--who got into your mind and played with it. You didn't get three sheets to the wind and throw up in your roommate's ski boots. And in the second place, you faced everybody last night. I mean, everybody except Xander and Anya."

"You know," Willow mused, "for once I like knowing how blunt she is. Like, she'll just say whatever she's thinking and that'll be it."

Tara gave a wry smile. "You're looking forward to Anya's bluntness? Next you'll be telling me you're joining the Log Cabin Republicans."

Willow crinkled her nose in distaste. "I wasn't that far gone..." She grew sober, though, as her thoughts returned to the day's events. "I know you're right. I just feel so...exposed."

Tara's eyes grew soft and she reached out to tuck a piece of Willow's hair behind her ear. "I know. I think I'd probably feel the same way. After my birthday, when I found out I didn't have demon in me--it's like 95% of me was so happy and relieved. And I definitely felt closer to this group than I ever had...but then this other part just wanted to crawl under a table because my own little version of the Jerry Springer Show had walked right into the Magic Box. But Willow, you heard them. You know that their main concern was that you were safe. And besides--you watched Xander turn into Dracula's spider-eating bitch. I think everybody in the Scooby circle has spent some time on the Mortification Metro." She smiled suddenly and rested her forehead against Willow's. "It's not like I don't take you seriously, sweetie. I know it feels awkward. But I'm just..I'm so glad you're OK that anything else feels infinitely manageable."

"Good point," Willow murmured. Then she pulled back slightly. "But holy awkward conversations, Hot Girl, meeting up with Faith one-on-one should be big fun: 'Good morning, Faith.' 'Hey Red--how ya doin?' 'Oh, pretty well, considering that last night I thought I saw you kissing my partner. And you?' Jeez..."

"I know, Will...but you'll handle it."

"How--with my trademark eloquence?" Willow looked at her forlornly.

Tara kissed her gently on the tip of her nose. "With your trademark combination of honesty and truly unique, if nonlinear, style of phrasing."

Willow sighed. "Speaking of conversations, I need to have one with Xander and Anya--this morning. Are you OK alone with Kyra?" She felt her stomach clench. We won't let anything happen. We won't.

Tara seemed to sense her sudden tightening. Probably because she feels it too... "Yeah, I'm clear for the day. I don't have any students, so I thought I'd go into the Magic Box and hang out there."

"Strength in numbers?" Willow ventured.

"Something like that," Tara said grimly. "I talked to Buffy earlier; she wanted to keep Dawn out of school today but Dawn told her not to be, and I quote, 'an even bigger spaz than you already are.' I think Buffy'll be glad when school ends; they only have two more weeks."

Willow sat on the bed and slipped on her shoes. "Xander's working on that new cathedral on the south side of town, I think. I'll take him some coffee and have The Talk."

"And Anya will be at the Magic Box--do you want me to tell her?"

"Oh God, would you?" Willow asked, relief washing over her. "I mean, I'm sure she'll have her two cents' worth when I see her, but I'd love to skip the original presentation." She looked up in sudden curiosity. "What do you think Anya's is? Her fear, I mean?" There was a time when she would have answered her own question: "Having no money." Now, though, she didn't feel terribly inclined to joke about it. Not after her own experience; not after seeing the ex-demon's grief two nights ago.

Tara shook her head slowly. "I don't know, Sweetie. Maybe losing Xander?"

Willow considered this for a moment. "Do you suppose that's what it is for all of us? Losing the person we're closest to?"

"Maybe," Tara mused. "I mean, all of the insecurities we talked about last night--we've had them for awhile, but now the worst-case scenario involves losing each other or...or Kyra." It hurts just saying the words, doesn't it? It hurts to think them. Tara drew a deep breath and plunged on. "The question is, would it work the same for everybody? I mean, would Buffy fear losing Dawn?"

"And what about Giles and Faith?" Willow asked. "Like, Faith has some deal with Buffy, OK--but she couldn't really talk about losing her. And who would Giles be afraid of losing? In high school he was afraid that Buffy died. I mean, we all sorta carry that one around..." She trailed off, remembering all the times that Buffy should have died and yet somehow dodged the bullet that had her name on it. Xander had saved her that first time, but how many other times had she been so close to death that she could feel it whispering as it pressed up against her? Had Willow even let herself think about it?

Tara gave an exasperated sigh. "You know, we have about fifty thousand questions, plus or minus two, and virtually no anwers."

Now it was Willow's turn to comfort. "We'll figure it out, Baby--we always do."

Tara gave herself up to Willow's arms. "I know I'm not much with the fighting, sweetie, but right now--I want something to stake."

********

Her conversation with Xander went much as she anticipated. She would have preferred to talk to him in a quiet, secluded place, but urgency dictated that they be accompanied by jackhammers and cranes and the dulcet tones of two men whistling at women who walked by.

"Does that ever work?" Willow asked Xander as he got the OK to take a break. (It helped that they had staked the foreman's attacker behind the cinema two years ago. He didn't ask much about Xander's occasional departures.)

"Does what work?" her friend replied, slipping off his helmet.

"Making lewd comments at women. I mean, does any hot babe ever hear them and go, 'Hey now--that's a pretty good offer! I think I'll have sex with you!'"

"No, but two weeks ago a woman walked over and told those same guys that their lives would be easier if they'd just drop the pretense and admit they loved each other. They've doubled their efforts since then." He grinned hugely at the memory. "So what's up?"

Willow took a deep breath. "Xander, something pretty...funky...happened after you left." And she proceeded to tell him the entire story. Much as she wanted to leave out the "I saw Faith kissing Tara" section, she didn't. Funny how that feels scarier than trying to kill myself. As she could have guessed, though, Xander honed in on the latter element. By the time she told of Faith grabbing her wrist and hauling her back up over the railing, he was sitting down, his eyes wide with shock.

"Will...God, Willow, you almost..." He couldn't seem to finish the sentence.

"Yeah, I really, really did almost..." She offered a faint smile but she could tell he was beyond humor. "But I didn't, OK? Faith got me and Tara talked me through it and I'm OK now, I really am. Xander?"

He stared at her. "It's just...I mean, we've all been about a shim away from the big sleep more times than I can count, but this...This thing had you ready to do its work for it." He ran his fingers through his hair as if trying to steady himself. "How many time have we fought, Will? I mean, in-the-trenches, kill-or-be-killed kinda fought? And we almost lost you to...to this." He shook his head. "I hate this thing," he muttered.

Willow sat down beside him and took his hand. You're a good man, Xander Harris.

Sometimes she forgot that they had been the original Scoobies--the two kids in the school who knew that the new hot girl from LA had a life way beyond the scope of pep rallies and proms and Pradas. The two kids in school who risked their lives to help that new girl. At first Willow thought it was random: she ended up on the inside because of her very ill-advised walk in the cemetery. Over time, though, she came to believe that she was meant to be in this fight. Not chosen like the Slayer was chosen, but not just some girl who could have been any other girl, either. For all her insecurities, she did believe this. Xander had rushed in with more confidence, but she had watched that confidence take so many hits over the years. "If we were a Star Trek episode, I'd be the guy who goes out onto the planet's surface first and gets eaten by the big slobbery thing with sixteen eyes," he told her somewhat drunkenly one night a few years ago.

She thought now of how she would react if their roles were reversed: what if she were hearing that he had tried to kill himself last night? That only an act of superhuman strength and quickness had saved his life? She gripped his hand more tightly. You're not expendable, Xander.

"Me too," she finally murmured. "I hate it too. But Xander, until we get more information we have to use what we do know. You have to be on your guard. You have to know what your weak spots are; your Achilles' heels. It played on my insecurities about Faith, and my fear of losing Tara, and it took the express route into my psyche. It works fast; really fast."

Xander gave a laugh that held no humor. "Oh, well that should be easy. 'cause I really don't have any insecurities. I've always been so confident of my special place in the world."

Willow ached for him. "I know," she said softly, squeezing his hand. "But you have to talk them over with Anya, OK? I mean, we're all a little wiggy about this. Put us together, and you've got the Crayola 64-pack of Neuroses and Insecurities."

"Well I get to operate the built-in sharpener, OK, because I am good with tools." He looked at her. "Anything else? Fears, self-doubts, headaches, and exhaustion?"

"They suck, but those last two may be the closest things to tangible symptoms we have."

Xander nodded. "That's actually helpful. I got my weak spots, but I'm usually pretty clear in the physical well-being area. You know, when I'm not afflicted with mystic syphilis."

"Good. And you have to talk to Anya, too--find out what her vulnerabilities are."

Xander stood and rubbed his neck. "I think I got a pretty good idea, but I'll make sure we talk about it some more tonight." He shook his head. "Odd thing is, she doesn't really think she's in that much danger. She said a couple of nights ago that she wasn't enough of a white-hat to show up on this thing's radar."

Willow wasn't surprise by the ex-demon's assessment; she was surprised to find how vehemently she disagreed with it. "Xander, she won't be named ambassador any time soon--I mean, ambassador to someplace we don't want to get into a war with. But she's in it; she's in the fight. and she always comes through."

He shrugged. "That's what I keep trying to tell her. You say Tara's talking to her now?"

Willow glanced at her watch: 9:37. "Should be. Tara wants to spend as much time with people as possible right now, even if it's not a fail-safe."

"I get it," he nodded. "If you can't trust your own mind...God, Willow, that's scarier than anything with fangs." He shoved his hard-hat down over his unruly hair, then pulled her into a tight hug. "Leave me, and I will track you down...Plus I'll have Tara with me. We will not be happy."

"Gotcha," she whispered.

Please be careful, Xander.

********

Willow hit the Magic Box after running a few errands. She ran what she hoped was a passable on-going diagnostic on her own mental health. How do you use your mind to see if your mind's OK? What she did know, however, was that she felt good physically, she wasn't tired, and she didn't feel her blood pressure ratchet up whenever she thought of Faith. She remembered what she had "seen" last night in the kitchen, and while she was flooded with embarrassment, and that image would always shake her to her core, there was no vestige of last night's belief, her utter conviction that Faith was interested in Tara and would take her away.

And so what if Tara thinks she's attractive. She is attractive. But Faith and Buffy? Buffy had never shown any sign of interest in becoming a Friend of Dorothy. Willow knew that a lot of women, especially at their age, had some curiosity about being with a woman, even if they truly and honestly identified as heterosexual. If Buffy herself had such questions, Willow never knew about them. Yes, her best friend had enjoyed quasi-flirting with Tara on a couple of occasions, but always in a verbal way that Willow knew was meant only to provoke her own reaction. But Buffy registered a big flatline on her gaydar.

Faith may be in for a world of hurt if she's really got it bad for Buffy...

Such were her thoughts as she walked into the Magic Box and spied Tara in the back feeding Kyra. Their daughter gave an enthusiastic endorsement of the Gerber banana mixture, but voiced her reservations about the peas by spitting them out with a force that might as well have said, "Be gone from my sight, foul legume." Willow stood grinning at the sight for a moment, basking in the sunlight that bathed the shop and enfolded her in its warmth.

"Please tell me you're not crazy anymore."

We now return to our regularly scheduled chaos.

"Hi Anya. Yes, I am filled unto bursting with mental health on this fine California day. If you'll pardon the redundancy," she added, turning to face a very anxious-looking ex-demon.

Would Anya have showed any more discretion if there were customers in the store, she wondered. Probably not.

"Good. Because I just don't have it in me to go to your funeral." The words were absurd; and the sentiments absolutely genuine. "Tara told me what happened. You should have known you were nuts, though, as soon as you thought Tara was kissing Faith."

"I told you, Anya," Tara piped up, a spoonful of bananas hovering in front of Kyra's mouth. "By the time Willow actually realized what she was afraid of, it was too late." Kyra was leaning forward, her mouth open expectantly.

"It's just so ridiculous, though, to think that Tara would cheat on you. I mean, kissing Faith right there in the kitchen? Really."

"Anya, you have to understand this," Tara continued, the spoon still poised outside of Kyra's grasp. "Willow didn't think about what she saw--she felt it. She knew it. Down to the core. There wasn't any analysis or discussion." Kyra kicked impatiently. "If we don't catch it before that time, you'd better hope someone's with you. Oh--sorry baby girl!" She brought the spoon to Kyra's mouth, as their daughter's eyes grumbled, "Whenever it works for you, Mom."

"That's why it's so important to be on our guard," Willow said, picking up the thread.

"It may move on, though," Anya pointed out.

"What do you mean?" Tara asked quizzically.

"Well, none of the other victims knew each other, so they probably didn't have any reason to share the information with the others. Not that they had time to share it," Anya added, her mouth settling into a grim line. "But this is a big group, and Willow lived to tell the tale. Maybe it'll figure out we're onto it and look for someone else; someone who couldn't know about it."

"That would be nice," Willow murmured, and then felt guilt washing over her. "For us, I mean."

"Then again, it may be royally pissed off that Willow got away and it'll hunt us down with even greater malevolence," Anya continued. "You never know about these things."

"You're always such a comfort," Willow said weakly.

"Well, I was going to be all nice and speak softly and ask if I could get you some tea or something, but Tara said that would probably just send you right back to Whackville."

"I didn't put it quite like that," her partner murmured as Willow gave her a wry grin.

"Tara's quite wise," she said solemnly. "We should all listen to her."

"I always do," the ex-demon proclaimed, earning a blush from Tara and a surprisingly affectionate smile from Willow herself.

"So where's Giles?" she asked, going over to give both her girls a kiss.

"Oh, he's talking to Wesley again," Anya announced, tossing her head. "Honestly, you'd think they were going to a bunch of LA leather bars, as much as they talk these days."

"So, speaking up quickly in an attempt to pretend I didn't just hear that, he won't be alone too long will he?"

"Buffy and Faith are with him; at least they were this morning." Willow's stomach tightened again in anticipation of their meeting. "And Xander called to say he'll be coming over for lunch. Says he wants to make sure he's in close contact with me--you know, that protective boyfriend thing and all. As if I don't spend as much time protecting him..." She shook her head affectionately, then looked up as a customer walked in.

Thank god she convinced Giles to get rid of that bell.

"Hello, and welcome to the Magic Box," Anya said brightly. "Please let me know if I can be of any assistance." The dark-haired man smiled and nodded, then moved into the literature section.

We do grow and change; all of us, even Anya.

The ex-demon turned back to them and whispered, "White man in his mid-30's; gay, from his shoes and the muscular build. Lots of disposable income. Chat him up about gay things. The sense of shared community will make him feel more obligated to buy something."

Not necessarily in leaps and bounds, mind you...

"Uh, we'll just wait and see if he needs anything," Tara replied hesitantly as she tried the strained peas again, to a grim-faced Kyra's profound displeasure.

"Fine," Anya sniffed. "Drop the beautiful crystal ball of capitalism and watch it shatter on the floor beneath you. No problem. I'll just go and get a broom."

Xander came in about an hour later. Willow thought that the kiss he gave Anya was especially long and tender. Anya touched his face gently, then said, "Hello, my handsome husband. I'm not feeling crazy, and neither is anyone else, at least as far as I can tell. What about you?"

"As sane as living on a Hellmouth permits you to be," he replied promptly, hugging her. Glancing around, he asked, "Where is everybody?"

We're going to be asking that a lot in the near future...

Anya gave him a quick rundown. "Buffy's going to pick up Dawn after school; I suppose Giles and Faith will come back here."

Xander rubbed his face. "You know, I'm all for the chocolately Scooby goodness, but we can't watch each other 24/7."

"I don't think we have to," Tara replied thoughtfully. "I think the main thing is that we keep a close eye on how we're feeling and we talk about anything that's tweaking us. I mean, no, we don't want to wander off on some solitary weekend vigil in the hills, but at least we have a sense of how it works."

They all looked up as Faith entered the shop, clutching a paper bag. "Giles is grabbing some lunch," she said, as if anticipating their question. "I wasn't hungry, and there's only so much Cream a girl can take."

Willow did a double take until Tara murmured, "I think she means the rock group."

She had anticipated being anxious, and self-conscious, and embarrassed. She hadn't anticipated being just a little glad to see the Dark Slayer. But she didn't want anything to happen to any of them--including Faith.

"Hi Faith," she said quietly. "Glad you're here."

The other woman gave her a long, appraising glance, then nodded. "Glad you're here, Red. Helluva night." Then she looked at Kyra and once again--this time without the accompanying paranoia and jealousy--Willow noticed that her eyes softened just a bit.

"Would--would you like to feed her?" She felt eager to make some overture, and she knew that Faith felt a pull to Kyra. She had spent part of the morning considering what levels of contact would feel OK to her. But Faith just pulled back and shook her head emphatically.

"And have her go all Linda Blair on me too? Look at her." And indeed, their beautiful, precious girl had flung, spat, and otherwise hurled peas all over her bib and part of Tara's sleeve. "But, uh, I picked her up something." She tossed the package nonchalantly onto the table.

Willow opened the bag to find a Justin Timberlake doll smiling at her with excessive dental perfection.

"I figured she'd know what to do with it," Faith shrugged.

Kyra squealed and reached out for the doll. "Let Mommy wash it off first," Tara said, pulling out a tiny cleansing pad. "Standard operating procedure," she smiled up at Faith.

"Hey, I'm all about avoiding the plastic cooties," Faith replied, seemingly unoffended.

As soon as Tara had given the doll a thorough wiping, she handed it to Kyra, who studied it for a moment and then grabbed her spoon.

"Bye-bye!" she sang out, plunging the eating device into Justin's defenseless chest.

"Hey, the kid can improvise--very cool," Faith nodded approvingly. She seemed unable to stop grinning at Kyra, and then caught herself. "So, hey, I'm gonna go train a little, OK? Work off some steam."

Willow watched her go, then looked over to see Tara watching her. "If you want to go talk to her, I think you should."

"What do I say to her?"

"Willow, you did have reason to resent her when she came. You still do; none of that's been wiped out. Sweetie, there's enough history within this bunch to keep three therapy groups meeting on a constant basis. You don't have to make it all better; just be honest and see where she meets you."

Willow drew a deep breath, then stood and walked back to the training room. Halfway there, she turned. "If she tosses my ass outta there, please rub it for me."

Tara grinned, her eyes sparkling. "Toss or no toss, I'll rub your ass." Kyra looked up quizzically, as if hoping to add this new word to her vocabulary. "Plenty of time for that later, baby girl," Tara murmured, giving her a kiss.

********

When Willow walked through the door to the training room, Faith was working on a series of kicks that would drop an NFL lineman. I would just not want to be on the receiving end of that.

The Dark Slayer stopped abruptly and turned to face her. "If you're working on sneaking up on someone, Red, I gotta tell you: not your strong suit."

"No," Willow said, blushing furiously. "No to the sneakage. I...I just wanted to say that I was sorry. For giving you such a hard time and wanting you to mess up and getting all wonky and paranoid." The words fell out of her until she stumbled to a stop.

Faith looked at her, her expression unreadable, as she grabbed a towel and wiped sweat from her face. "No problem," she finally replied.

Really? Gotta disagree...

"Faith, I was wrong. I should have--"

"Trusted me? The last time you saw me I switched bodies with Buffy and did some serious fucking with her life."

"But you came back..To town, I mean. You could have left and you didn't." Willow finally let that fact mean something to her.

"Yeah, so...Anyway, the time before that, I had a knife to your throat and I punched you around."

"Well, no, that wasn't much fun." She squirmed at the memory.

"Red, you'd have been completely nuts to trust me." She shook her head and walked to the small refrigerator, taking out a can of Diet Coke.

"But Faith, it went way beyond reasonable doubt. I was scared of you, and not because you could snap me like a tiny little twig." She took a deep breath. "I thought that if you wanted Tara, you could have just taken her. And yes, there was some big nasty playing with my mind, and it would have messed with me some other way if you hadn't been around--but you were around, and I ended up losing to every fear I've ever had about you."

Again that enigmatic look, until Faith finally threw up her hands. "I don't get it. If you weren't afraid I'd bust you up physically, what the hell worried you?"

"That you would take Tara," Willow replied simply.

"Short of draggin' her by the hair back to my cave, Red, what exactly could I do?"

Willow noticed that she didn't argue the possibility of being attracted to a woman. "I was just afraid...I was afraid that you were all strong and powerful and you'd set your sights on my girlfriend and just...you'd just take her."

"Right. Because Tara's so helpless and naive." Faith snorted. "You gotta give her more credit."

"Well, yeah--that's partly where the mental wockery comes in." She was feeling more and more like an idiot.

"Listen, Gandolf, even if I had set my targets on your babe--which I didn't, by the way--no way am I getting anywhere with her. Girl loves you something goofy." She took a long pull from her drink.

"And again with the diminished capacity footnote," she said weakly. "Faith, even in my most insecure moments--and believe me, they are many and gigantic--I'd never believe that Tara would just kiss somebody else; that she wouldn't even talk to me about being attracted to her. I just wanna say I'm sorry for going so far above and beyond the call of skepticism." When Faith didn't reply, she added, "And to say thanks--again--for saving my life." She turned to go.

Well that was fun.

"Red...Listen, I'm not tryin' to stonewall you here." Interesting choice of verbs... "I just don't want you going all crazy with the regret and guilt and second-guessing. It's a shitty way to live." She shoved her hands in her back pocket. "Been there; still doing that."

"I know," Willow said quietly. "But Faith, you are turning it around. I mean, I can see it; everybody can see it. Heck, Kyra likes you, so that has to mean something." Funny to hear those words coming from me.

Faith looked at her, her face suddenly taut with agitation. "But what if I fuck it up? Again, I mean? What if I let Bu--people down?" She stopped, and then gave an abrupt round-house kick to a poor tacking dummy that had really done nothing to deserve it. "I hate this touchy-feely shit. We're supposed to 'be in touch with our feelings'? Bite me..."

"Listen, Faith--I know you don't exactly like dining at the Vulnerability Cafe, but--"

"When all the meals taste like shit, Red, you don't keep a take-out menu on hand, you know?"

"So you starve?"

Faith gave a mirthless laughter. "You grab hot dogs at the convenience store."

Willow didn't know how to respond to that. Finally she said, "It can be different this time, Faith. Being a part of this group; being friends with Buffy..." Faith looked up sharply. "It can be different.

Maybe went too far on that one... But finally Faith plopped down on the couch and shook her head. "I dunno, Merlin. I napalmed a lotta bridges. Some things go way beyond a rosary and some flowers."

"So you do what you can," Willow said simply. "And you know it may not be enough."

Faith looked up with eyes that were far too old for her. "I'll fight anything in this fucking world, girl. Odds are I'll kick its ass. But this stuff...Atonement, and knowing what scares me--"

"Do you know, Faith?" Willow broke in. "Do you think about what scares you most of all?"

Faith stared at her.

"Every fucking day."

Willow was pondering how to reply to this when the door to the training room swung open. Tara looked from one of them to the other.

"Giles is here. He has news."

********

To Be Continued

[Patches]

Yellow jersey is MINE!!!! Back in a few


Hey Mary,

Hope you had a great weekend! If you ever grow tired of hearing it’s good to have you back, just toss a backhander and I’ll shut up, but until then…damn, I look forward to reading the musings of your deliciously twisted mind.

I was thinking (and that’s always a bad sign) about Willow’s rapid descent and all the discussion that’s arisen from it, and a couple words sprang to mind: hypnotic and mesmerising. During my undergrad, many, many moons ago (like 225—though those who fear me say I look much younger…anyway) a hypnotist did a stage performance at our school, all in good fun. For part of the ‘show,’ he planted a few suggestions. First, he “put” us on a roller coaster, then he suggested we conjure our most feared monster, in the form of an axe murderer, and had said ‘monster’ chase us through the ride. Totally ridiculous scenario, except: One, I *hate* roller coasters, and two, I inadvertently keyed into something a bit more chilling than Nightmare on Elm Street ever produced (funky, eh?). So, there was a little heart-stomping moment of terror I will never forget. Now, given how you laid out Willow’s excursion into the land of Innerfearness and set up the rationalisation for it, I have a theory. Your Big Bad hypnotises the victim, and plants ‘harmless’ suggestions along the lines of ‘worst fears’ and ‘do the right thing’, and as the Scoobies and your devoted readers are postulating, just sits back and waits for the carnage. Has anybody checked if dear Faith had any form of contact with the other victims…humm, a chance meeting at the mall, on the way to the dry cleaners, or other happenstance encounters along life’s highway, perhaps; no one’s ever suggested (pardon the pun) that vamps were immune to hypnosis of a mystical kind (hey, it’s Hellmouth central, anything’s possible.) Just how long had Faith been in Sunndale before making her grand entrance?? Maybe the rate of Willow’s plunge into loony-land occurs because of her close contact with the Dark Slayer—the whole ‘being in love with Buffy’ thing merely a ruse to lead Willow into accepting the suggestion of Tara being an active participant in the Faith smooch. Faith didn’t exactly give any specific information with “Every fucking day,” did she? Honestly, it must suck to go from sitting at the right hand of ‘god,’ so to speak, to being relegated to moral rehab. Now, Mary, are you laughing yet? Anyway, just a little fun to pass the time, I’ll stop thinking now and stuff my overactive imagination back into the little cardboard box on the shelf where it belongs. It’s just fun to shit disturb every now and then, yanno.

Great update, the gang answers one crucial question, but it only leads to more uncertainty. It’ll be fun watching these guys puzzle out this scenario. Adding, as you do so well, the realistic touches to the characters makes for fine reading. Lots of great ‘moments’ but this one really caught my attention, "But this is a big group, and Willow lived to tell the tale. Maybe it'll figure out we're onto it and look for someone else; someone who couldn't know about it."

"That would be nice," Willow murmured, and then felt guilt washing over her. "For us, I mean." These bits of ‘humanity’ you instil resonate with me. Besides, I feel extra smart today, as I’d actually used that ‘someone else’s grief is my relief…and now I feel guilty’ sentiment in a story. Okay, that came out a little wrong, but I think you get the idea – lol. The opening ‘hangover’ scene was so true—Oh, the horror of it all! Mystical or not, that’s a scary piece of baggage to be carrying around, not to mention the whole concept of going/getting there ‘voluntarily.’ And then the realisation for everyone else of having to dredge up those icky inner demons so the BB can’t hijack them, phew, this shall make for some interesting reading. Just curious, if one knows and examines this kinda stuff, does it prevent that kind of manipulation (hypno-babble aside)? This seems to be the line of reasoning the gang is taking. I wonder if Aunt Bev is due for a visit to the Hellmouth in the near future; she was such a great character in GS&A.

OMG, Kyra…hilarious! I could so ‘see’ her, complete with facial expressions, so totally charming, but Justin Timberlake or no, the child is certainly showing some rather delightfully disturbing behaviour. On the other hand, where else but Sunnydale, would parents smile approvingly.

Thanks also for the reminder of where these characters came from. I think you’ve managed to get them back there and have given them a little more substance. Okay, that’s my mini-mental done for the day. Looking forward to more.

Cheers!!
Patches

[Naeryn]

Dibs on two!

Very nicely written. I liked seeing an insight into the psyches of Xander and Faith; something we don't really do very often. Both tend to get pigeonholed. Xander was simply a joker, and wasn't given a whole lot of depth. Faith was given depth, but it was never explored. She 'turned evil', so to speak, and there was a whole shitload of psychology behind it, but that was never discussed.

"I wasn't hungry, and there's only so much Cream a girl can take."

Willow did a double take until Tara murmured, "I think she means the rock group."

This made me laugh like hell.

Willow opened the bag to find a Justin Timberlake doll smiling at her with excessive dental perfection.

"I figured she'd know what to do with it," Faith shrugged.

Kyra squealed and reached out for the doll. "Let Mommy wash it off first," Tara said, pulling out a tiny cleansing pad. "Standard operating procedure," she smiled up at Faith.

"Hey, I'm all about avoiding the plastic cooties," Faith replied, seemingly unoffended.

As soon as Tara had given the doll a thorough wiping, she handed it to Kyra, who studied it for a moment and then grabbed her spoon.

"Bye-bye!" she sang out, plunging the eating device into Justin's defenseless chest.

"Hey, the kid can improvise--very cool," Faith nodded approvingly.

So did this.

"Do you know, Faith?" Willow broke in. "Do you think about what scares you most of all?"

Faith stared at her.

"Every fucking day."

And this, I believe, was one of the best quotes from the entire update. With three little words and some emphasis, we get a really deep view into Faith's mind, exactly what makes her tick. One door's been opened, and now there's a hallway with a hundred more. And since she's made that admission, getting the rest of those doors open and clearing out the cobwebs should be a lot easier.

As a Faith shipper (meaning Faith and pretty much anyone of the female persuasion save Willow or Tara), I think it would be interesting to have someone - possibly Buffy? - be the one to save her when she's getting hit by the whacky. I think that would also be good for Faith psychologically speaking, because, hello, can you say 'vulnerability issues'?

Also, just a note - I believe what Xander's fear is is what we saw in Hell's Bells - turning into his most-likely-abusive father. Perhaps a false memory gets implanted within his mind coupled with a vision of a battered Anya?

Well, I'll stop back seat writing now

Keep up the excellent work, I'm loving your writing style. You do the characters justice, and that's the highest compliment I can give, since I freakin' LOVE these characters!

[GayNow]

Third place ain't so bad.

ETA:

Okay, I'm back. I had to finish up my feedback for On Second Thought over in the completed archives. Now that I'm done with that, I can do this.

This was an fabulous chapter, as always. Willow's trepidation over how her friends will treat her after recent events is palpable. I'm sure we've all felt that "now that they know my big secret, they're gonna think I'm a different person" kind of fear. In many ways, Willow is having another "coming out." Yes, definitely a scary thought.

As others have said, the exchange between Willow and Xander is so lovely. They've been best friends since they were 5, for Pete's sake! They had better get the wiggins at the thought of losing each other. Again, you've done a beautiful job of correcting what JW and ME screwed up.

Oh, and that Faith! GOD I love what you're doing with her! Hmmm ... let me amend that ... I love the way you're portraying her in this story. Cuz, honestly, I don't know what you're doing with her ... regardless of what it is, though, I'm jealous. Seriously, you're finding your way into Faith's psyche and sharing it with the rest of us so wonderfully. I think Willow will have a new perspective on Faith now that they've had this little talk. At least, I hope so. Kudos to Faith for saying "you're right not to trust me ... I fucked up in unforgivable ways." And how telling that Faith is not asking for forgiveness. She's seeking atonement, trying to make amends, but she's not looking for the easy road. She's heading down Frost's thickly covered, overgrown road and doing so with her eyes wide open. I have to admit, though, I hope she realizes that asking for and/or accepting help from the Scoobies does not make her weak or make her atonement less valid. Time will tell.

Okay, rambling Carleen is going to stop now. I need to get back to my own chapter otherwise I won't have it completed by the weekend. And I do NOT want to incur the wrath of the Kittens!

Thanks, Mary. Truly well done. Can't wait for more.

Carleen

[skeeter451]

"Listen, Faith--I know you don't exactly like dining at the Vulnerability Cafe, but--"

"When all the meals taste like shit, Red, you don't keep a take-out menu on hand, you know?"

"So you starve?"

Faith gave a mirthless laughter. "You grab hot dogs at the convenience store."

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

The scene between Willow and Xander was nice, also. I always love friendshippy moments between them two.

--->Susan

[the hero factor]

Great update.

I loved the Willow-Xander scene. They're friendship is one of my favorite things about the show.

She thought now of how she would react if their roles were reversed: what if she were hearing that he had tried to kill himself last night? That only an act of superhuman strength and quickness had saved his life? She gripped his hand more tightly. You're not expendable, Xander.

No, he's really not. I loved this.

"Do you know, Faith?" Willow broke in. "Do you think about what scares you most of all?"

Faith stared at her.

"Every fucking day."

I'm really lovin' what you're doing with Faith. In canon, I was so happy when Faith took responsibility for her actions and turned herself in, but here, actually being able to see how doubtful she is, seeing her struggle. I'm really enjoying this.

[watty]

I've decided to forfeit dibs this time, cos well, 6th dibs isn't that impressive.

Love the W/X conversation, how badly their childhood friendship was damaged in the later seasons, how could they forget that they have known each other as intimately as two people who aren't lovers can be.

Sometimes she forgot that they had been the original Scoobies

and

Not chosen like the Slayer was chosen

I think that they were chosen, in certain ways, they definitely had a calling, and they should always be acknowledged for helping Buffy become probably the most successful slayer ever.

The W/F conversation was equally moving, especially since it brought up a lot of how Faith feels. Other people have quoted the most significant parts, but I just want to add

Faith looked up with eyes that were far too old for her.

Sometimes, in addition to forgetting W and X as the original Scoobies, we forget how young this group (except Giles) is. How much have they gone through and they're barely 21.

And so the talking continues. Around halfway through the update I was thinking that talk is great and brings out issues, but perhaps it's time for some action. We still don't know purpose and methodology that the big bad operates under. And it occured to me that:

1. who's next
2. will it be one of the Scoobies? If so, who and why
3. they'll assume Willow is immune, but she's still at risk
4. why does it have to be one of the Scoobies, they're not all the do-gooders in the whole of the city

Then you come up with

it may be royally pissed off that Willow got away and it'll hunt us down with even greater malevolence

which shows that #1-3 cannot be dismissed. By the time the "white man in his mid-30's; gay, from his shoes and the muscular build" came in, I thought, #4, it's gonna be that man!

So thought I want some action, I think we're not done talking yet. We haven't even come close to covering Xander, Anya, Giles, Dawn, Faith and Buffy. Not to mention Tara. Kyra I imagine is immune because she is too young, but there might be sinister ways to manipulate her too. They mustn't get complacent, cos

Fears, self-doubts, headaches, and exhaustion?

may not be the only symptoms.

Finally, a little word on how I love your writing. This is a serious story, with a serious threat and a very very scary big bad. Which is why I appreciate how you interspace the seriousness with first, a glimpse of how much the Scoobies love and care for each other, and this includes Faith now. And secondly, the in-between humor, from the whistling construction workers to the Kyra feeding episode to the Cream joke.

[JustSkipIt]

Hey Mary,
Wow, you're really back at it aren't you? This update is just... I mean the thing is that I keep saying you write the best dialog on the board to people. So this update? basically a perfect example of exactly what you always do so well. The dialog just absolutely flows throughout from W/T to W/X to everyone/A to W/Faith. I mean every part is just subtle and important and funny and wonderful.

Now I have to admit that I'm ready for some more action...

Great job.

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello all. A couple of thoughts before individual replies, the quality of which leaves me ever-impressed.

The last 3 updates have been heavy on the dialogue, but action's a-comin' in the next update. It won't be action of the "poof, thwang!" variety (to quote Willow) but it will serve to move things along. I know that people have different preferences for their ratio of talk to action, and I think most Kittens have wanted to hear what these people had to say to each other, but one of the subthemes within this whole story is that you can't stop living out of fear. So it's a combo kind of deal: it's imperative that they know what their fears are and be honest about it with the people they're closest to--but it can't paralyze them. We won't be having therapy sessions for updates, but the discussions that are important to further the characters and the action will not be given short shrift. I promise: their shrift will fit them just right.

It seems like a lot of people are frustrated with what they did to Xander in the last couple of seasons. While our focus is on W/T, I think it's important to stay faithful to the original essence of the group. Yes, people change (we should hope so) but howzabout we have Xander change in ways that don't make him a buffoon or a sanctimonious twit? Yes, that sounds nice.

OK--as always, thank you.

Patches: Damn, girl, you burned some serious rubber to get here first. Congrats. (And BTW--I never get tired of being welcomed back. Makes me all warm and gooshy inside.)

And oh, the theories you put out...Patches, I'd love to get an EEG reading on you someday (and I mean that in the best, most affectionate way). Your mind just never stops, does it? I think a huge part of that, obviously, is your own inclination. There's also a lot in this story that's open to interpretation. For me, the line that "hits" their struggle is Willow asking, "How do you use your mind to observe your mind?" (Or something like that--you'd think if I wrote it, I could quote it.) I like infinite possibilities, which makes writing fun and relationships tricky. But that's neither here nor there but rather somewhere slightly off to the side. All will be revealed in good time, Patches: tomorrow morning at 10 EST in a televised press conference.

Or not.

Ah, you remember Aunt Bev? I loved her, I gotta admit. She turned out to be one of those characters whom I had anticipated using very briefly. But as Anne Lamott says, if a minor character shows an interest in becoming a significant one, hear her out.

You know, Kyra's interesting to write. I'll admit that I'm not the biggest kid person in the world--no antipathy, heaven knows, but I've never felt drawn to be a parent. But I like this kid...especially since I don't have to change her diaper.

As ever, Patches, you make me think; you make me drink. (Not really, but I liked the cadence.) Thanks so much for the thought that you put into your words.

Naeryn: I totally agree with your observation about X and F, esp. the latter. There was a gold mine of possibilities but then...she just went away.

The Cream reference--what a gift that was! I was just typing that as segue material, setting up the scene, and needed to explain why F and G didn't come in together. Why didn't she go with him? Nothing big; she just wanted out of the car b/c...yeah, that 60's shit he listens to. I need a band...howzabout..and then it just dropped onto my keyboard. The reason I go into detail about that is b/c I love when moments just come to you--little gifts that you weren't even shopping for.

Some of my funnest moments in writing this is imagining this beatific kid just stakin' the hell outta some infinitely annoying pop icon. Glad you enjoy it.

What I most appreciate, though, is your observation on Faith's words to Willow. That's a classic example of poring over a line--the exact phrasing, the placement on the page, italicize or no?--because it feels so important. You're right: a door has been opened. There's no way I was going to write Faith having this moment of utter epiphany and sharing it right up front, complete with requisite tears. She'll give it out in bits and pieces, sometimes as surprised to hear her own words as the person to whom she's speaking. But we now know that she has thought about it--actively, daily. She hates it; hates the idea of talking about it even more, but it's pride as much as anything that makes her tell Willow that she's not as emotionally clueless as they might think.

The highest compliment you can give is the highest one I can receive--thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying this, and yes--Faith lends herself to so many possibilities b/c she's such a wild card. I hope you like where I take her. (Straight back to my bedroom.)

Carleen, Never Mean--Girl Writes a Story That's Ever-So Keen! (Somebody's had just a little too much caffeine this morning.) First of all, thank you so much for you incredible fb on "OST." You're really, really good at this stuff.

Great parallel to coming out a second time. One of the things that I absolutely knew about Willow in this moment was that she'd make peace with her suicide attempt (after all, it was prompted by a mystical force) well before her vulnerability around Faith and letting the others see that vulnerability.

Oh, and I love what I'm doing with Faith as well. (See above comment to Naeryn.) And I like writing her too...As you can imagine, I love pondering individuals' definitions of things like strength, fear, right/wrong, courage, etc. Sometimes I think half the work in any relationship (of any kind) is figuring out the other person's dictionary, having hopefully acquired at least a working familiarity with our own. That's where so many questions about Faith comes in. She was written as such a declarative, emphatic figure but I think the older she gets the more questions she asks--and that process scares the hell out of her. (If hell is scared out of you, does it take up residence in the person next to you? Just wondering.)

Thanks for the great fb, Car.

Susan: Hey, I just checked out "MM" on Debra's recommendation. What a great site! Thanks for your work on it.

I was looking forward to this first non-wonky scene b/w Willow and Faith. Faith's not going to open up all at once, but she's definitely not the sarcastic, cruelly dismissive person she was. Glad you're enjoying this, and thanks for the kind words.

HeroFactor: You know, the relationships b/w folks is the biggest draw for people I think, and I'm referring to the show, not this story. Yeah, there are all sorts of inspired fights and narrow escapes, but the connections b/w these characters is what hooked all of us in, I believe. I'm glad you like how I'm treating them here. Thanks for following and taking the time to write.

Watson: God, yes--they're so young! And all of them are older than they are but Faith...My dad used to say, "It's not the years, it's the mileage." Faith has logged a bunch of them, and on some not-so-scenic byways. I always wish the show would have explored issues of class and race in greater depth. I see Faith as having come from some very tough circumstances, and those were only fleetingly discussed in canon.

As I noted above, we're going to see more action in the coming update, but all of this is anchored to who these people are and how they handle their own psyches. I love the hypotheses people are generating about how this thing works and who its next target is and whether Willow is immune...and that's just one element of the story. Readers here have such great observations, and they always make me think--yours most definitely included and emphasized.

Thanks for taking an interest in this and for both your observations and your kind words.

Debra: Well, you know I love writing dialogue. I'm glad it comes off well. Flow is incredibly important to me. It always comes out best when I just...listen to these people and try to keep up with them. Does that make any sense? (See above re: coffee intake.) And insofar as the action's concerned, Rachel called and said to tell you she'd be home for lunch and maybe...Oh--that's not what you meant. Sorry.

Thanks for the props, Debra--you rock.

OK--more in a bit.
Mary

[Willow~Rosenberg]

First, I must comment that before I reply to any of your updates, I read each one twice. You pack so much good stuff into your updates that I don't want to miss anything. I love how you write.

Now, onto the feedback...

Liked the scene with Willow and Tara talking in the morniing. Willow is loosening up a bit about how she's feeling, something that shows progress and growth from her experience. She is able to voice how she's feeling and Tara knows just how to soothe her girl's concerns. Also, the comment about Dracula and Xander had me lol. Tara's point that they have all been aboard the "Mortification Metro," as you so eloquently put it, is so true. I also liked the mention of Dawn's comment about Buffy potentially pulling her out of school. So something I can picture Michelle saying. As others have noted, your dialogue is so true to the characters that I can visualize the cast saying their lines, from Amber's calm and heartfelt delivery, Aly's mannerisms and tone, and Eliza's sultry voice with the Boston accent.

Also, this section:

~
Tara gave an exasperated sigh. "You know, we have about fifty thousand questions, plus or minus two, and virtually no anwers."

Now it was Willow's turn to comfort. "We'll figure it out, Baby--we always do."

Tara gave herself up to Willow's arms. "I know I'm not much with the fighting, sweetie, but right now--I want something to stake."
~
It echos somewhat all of Tara's questions about her own life and family in GS&A. She had so many questions that she needed answered. I can only imagine how she feels, first seeing her "blood kin" in a whole new way that ripped apart her understanding of her life. Now, she's seeing some demonic force trying to rip apart her chosen family. She doesn't want to be passice in this, she needs to fight for her family. It shows how much she has grown. She's not about to lose the family that she had just found.

Very real scene with Xander and Willow. Nice bit of levity with Xander's coworkers before the talk. Xander mentioned that Anya and he were going to talk about their fears again, which shows more communication between them than they had on the show. This is what they need, unlike the disaster wedding where they never talked about their concerns before Xander ran off.

Interesting point that Anya makes about the demon trying harder to get rid of them now that Willow can partially identify what effects it has on people. I am also wondering if it has different effects on different people. That would definitely make it harder to track down. It also reminds me a bit of Spike's attempt to destroy the Scooby gang and the ned of season four by playing on their fears. Spike was very good and hitting them where it hurt, but this thing knows how to weave into their minds much better than Spike did.

Interesting last comment from Faith. I'm looking forward to seeing that fleshed out more. Giles with news should answer some questions. Fabulous update.

[DarkWiccan]

Hey Mary --

Well, I feel I should be honest... I don't usually read other folks' feedback before posting my own, so if this is redundant... oops.

I think this is the first time you have written Xander as something other than a barely tolerated shit-heel. It's weird. Not bad weird... just something to get used to.

It was very nice to see him set aside his usual foot-in-mouth whilst righteously-indignant attitude and show real, gut-deep, what-would-I-do-if-I-lost-you concern for his best friend. (I was trying to use as many hyphenates as possible in that sentence... I think I could have squeezed in a couple more... ah well)

I also enjoyed how you reminded Willow and us that she and Xan-man were the first original Scoobies. I think you are very right in pointing out that we all often forget this.

In conclusion... another brilliantly written chapter, Mary!!

Cheers
DW

ETA: I think I should also point out that I now have the song "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown" stuck in my head... only Charlie Brown is, of course, replaced with Xander Harris... and it's totally throwing the meter off.

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-

Kyra simply knows the deep truth about strained peas-they're an art medium, not a food item.

I find myself just enjoying your Willow. The girl who used a wide variety of labels on herself has become a young woman with depths and insights that were evidently unthinkable to a certain other group. Here Willow can express her own fear and her concerns with her oldest friend honestly and can reach out to Faith. The Faith that Willow reaches out to is a perfect blend of toughness and fragility with a real personality that shows what she could have been in more constant and talented hands.

Which brings me to another point. I'm so glad you've removed the other Scoobies from the hands of destructive children and let them recover here. I don't have to worry that Xander's going to suddenly leap from a straw boss on a construction crew to a contractor in a year and a half (another example of the current writer actually having a clue about real life). Anya's grown under your care as well, still recognizable but much better textured and rendered with your words. Buffy is almost unrecognizable being an actual grown up and even Giles seems more mature, mellow and better organized without losing the best of either character.

In short Mary, your story and your characters are a joy to read. Thank goodness for Pens!


Jixer

[Safuega]

Hey Mary:

Wow, Mary, this phrase was just so, I don't know, raw?

"Every fucking day."

It was also painfully honest considering that it comes from Faith. It is also terrifying for the likes of Faith, someone who is all-powerful as a slayer, but is still at the mercy of pain over which she has no control. How do you fight such encompassing fear? How do you fight who you who you have been? How do you survive yourself?

This brings me to the next part of the update that I liked a lot. I like the fact that Faith is not making excuses for herself and instead owns to her mistakes when talking to Willow. Granted the exchange between the two still felt like an interaction with a feral cat, what with Faith's rough edges and lashing out, but this is the most honest conversation Faith has had with someone from the group she tried to destroy once. It takes real guts to come back to the scene of the crime and admit that a crime was committed, and even more guts to try to repair the damage done.

You know, as I read this update it occurred to me that Anya's fear might be something related to her humanity. But as I write this I am thinking about this fear being more of a fit for Faith. I am not suggesting that Faith, the slayer, is a monster that lacks humanity. Rather, I am suggesting that her journey from the alienation of her actions is akin to finding her own humanity so that she can join the human family again. Okay, don't really know if this makes sense, but there you go!

I also really liked this:

"If you can't trust your own mind...God, Willow, that's scarier than anything with fangs."

Indeed, what else is there when you cannot recognize yourself?

And this:

How do you use your mind to see if your mind's OK?

How well put this is, and how true the quandary it poses! I agree with you about the wonderful irony of asking the brain to observe itself objectively, and in doing so to come to a genuine understanding of what it sees. How do any of us know when we are not ourselves? Coincidentally I am reading a book on the brain, which remarks that the human brain has allowed human beings to explain just about everything in the universe with two exceptions--the universe and itself.

Finally, I don't know much more than you about the zodiac, but I do know that Pisceans are supposed to be bubbly, friendly people who love to be around people and people love to be around them. At least that is what my best friend, who is the zodiac expert in my life and a Scorpio with a Pisces something (ascendant?), tells me. I am going to go on a limb and say that in your case that seems to be true judging from the wonderful stories you share, the abundant humor in the disclaimers alone, and your graciousness when you get retarded feedback like my own.

Thanks for sharing.

Safuega

[Lovers4ever]

Now I have to admit that I’m doing something I never do - reading another author’s feedback. My girlfriend/beta/sex kitten says that everyone does it, but it always feels like a private conversation between author and fan and I feel like such an interloper. But your leavers-of-feedback have raised posting to a new level (which is a pretty-self serving comment, now that I think of it) and the depth of each reader’s comments makes this particular exchange more akin to a book club. I came to the board late and, frankly, figured I may have missed any opportunity to fawn over AntigoneUnbound, my favorite Kitten author, in real time. I thought I would just watch the jump rope go round and round until it was my time to jump in but then I got caught up in the wonderful exchange of comments and ideas and lost my place. I’ve read your previous unrivaled stories and have committed whole passages to memory. It is no different with this story.

I wanted to comment on your previous installment where the girls have the I’ll-show-you-my-deepest-fear-if-you-show-me-yours talk. A writer friend of mine once said to never tell anyone about a story you’re planning to write. She says that if you tell someone about it before it’s written, you can start to feel like you’ve already released the story and no longer feel the need to actually write it. Like you can only give birth to the same baby once. Similarly, I think that discussing with your mate the attractiveness of someone else can defang the beast (that verb would work better on any other fic board) before tranquilizer guns are needed. It can only be incriminating once and even then, maybe not so much.

Two parts from this last installment (among many, many others) are spray painted on the brick wall of my brain tonight:

mystic syphilis

My band’s search for a name is over!

"So where's Giles?" she asked, going over to give both her girls a kiss.

"Oh, he's talking to Wesley again," Anya announced, tossing her head. "Honestly, you'd think they were going to a bunch of LA leather bars, as much as they talk these days."

Thanks for that imagery. No, really . . . I mean it. Why should VampWillow have all the leather fun? This visual postcard will make me smile long into the night. Perhaps you could fit just such a scenario into a future fic or later in this one. No, no, no I’m not talking about Giles and Wesley hooking up, but just the sight of them both trying to pull off the look. I know that if anyone could wring the most out of it, it would be you.

And thank you for exploring Faith’s redemption and possible relationship with Buffy. I have unwavering confidence that you will lead these two disparate (but not so much) characters down a satisfying road.

With great redundancy I will join the choir that praises your character-consistent dialogue, the even distribution of heavy and humor-filled passages, and the powerful way you explore and expound on the psyches of these characters we hold so dear.

~Susan

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello all. Some more replies to, well, replies.

Willow Rosenberg: Twice? How nice! Yeah, Willow and Tara are definitely learning how to do the difficult discussions, and Willow is learning that she can do emotions. You're right, too, about Tara wanting something tangible to fight. I see her as being the character most able to recognize and talk about emotional stuff, but this is her family, dammit, and everyone has their limits for how much uncertainty they can countenance.

People have offered some interesting theories here about how it might strike each of them, if any of them are even a target now that Willow can give some intel. Would the symptoms be the same, or differ even based on physiology? (That is, Xander's in great shape but would it play his fears, whatever they are, in some other way?) The thing I like about this particular BB is that it's so elusive and resourceful. (Well, not 'like' in the sense of 'plan to ask out to dinner,' but you know what I mean.) Thanks for the wonderful words and for thinking about all of this. I love the quality of fb on this board!

DW: You know, Xander's a little like Dawn in that I have to like him more in order to write him well. The self-righteous (inexplicably so) judge of the later seasons just has no appeal to me. "He's the one that sees everything"? When did this happen? So thanks for the confirmation that he's more appealing here than in later canon. And like you, I want to remain mindful of his history w/ Willow and Buffy: yes, they change, but those links have endured for a reason.

Thanks for following this, DW--you rock! By the way, I don't know the tune to "Charlie Brown," and now I suspect it's a good thing I don't.

Jixer: And it's a big "No" to strained peas, I agree! I think it's always a balance to write characters' strengths and weaknesses. What I knew was that I wanted Willow to be a little more emotionally articulate (or at least work toward that) than she was often depicted. It seems like she actually became less so in canon--did you notice that? In S-3, she could talk to Buffy about feeling left out by B's friendship w/ Faith. In S6, though, she was all about going it alone. Huh...

Oh God, your comment on Xander and realistic occupational progress...Jixer, that's my toughest struggle in many ways! Like, I have to remind myself that Xander can't just walk off his job for a heart-to-heart; indeed, Xander has to have a job. And the Magic Box has to have some customers, but how can they discuss intricate details of epic supernatural forces when Mrs. Silverstein needs help over in "Herbs"? I laugh, b/c this reflects so well my difficulty with such things in my own life. Heh...

The Pens board has indeed given us better characters than Joss left us with. I share your relief...Thanks, Jixer!

Safuega: The "raw" appraisal elicited a gratified nod from me, b/c that's what I was looking for. How do you fight yourself? How do you even know what to fight? What's survival instinct and what's fear? Buffy grew up knowing that her own parents would look out for her, even if their marriage didn't work out. Her mother truly loved her; she always had enough food and shelter. Who knows what Faith's story is? How many times did she dodge a bullet of the non-mystical kind by striking first? So even if she truly wants to change (and she does), how will she even know what that looks like? How do we set out on a journey, regardless of the distance, if we don't know the direction? But no, you're right: Faith won't be making excuses. She knows Willow had every reason to be suspicious. My hope is that she lets herself come to understand herself w/o considering that knowledge an excuse; that is, she doesn't avoid such reflection b/c she thinks it would be a cop-out.

I like your thoughts on Anya and Faith re: their battles with humanity and what it means. Very interesting!

Hey, what's the name of that brain book you're reading? I'd love to check it out!

So I'm bubbly? Wow...You know, I did a little digging after I read your message and I learned that we're also supposed to be drawn to the mystical, very intuitive, and given to difficulties committing to one course of action b/c we can see the merits of all. Yup. And yup.

As always, Safuega, I just love your feedback. You always make me think, and I'm glad you're enjoying this story.

Susan: Forget therapy; forget writing. I wanna be a roadie for Mystic Syphilis!

Hey--viewing always welcome here at the board! We're nothing if not a big bunch of exhibitionists. Yes, the quality of fb on this board is so stellar. I always come away thinking not just about the story (whether it's mine or someone else's) but about the comments thereon. And if you wanna fawn, who am I to stop you? You can also criticize and differ in opinion. It's just wide open, girl.

I agree: Giles and Wes trying to pull of the leather look would stay in our collective memory for a long, long time. Hmm...

I just find Faith to be such a fascinating character. She's a huge catalyst: people tend to have powerful reactions to her, which makes her a fantastic character for any writer. Her own inner world is every bit as laden with possibilities. I'm really glad I decided to do a story with her having a central role.

Thanks so much for checking this out and letting yourself leave feedback. The timing doesn't matter; I just always appreciate people taking the time to let me know that they read my words.

OK--more later. Update either late tonight or mid-day tomorrow (said the woman in EST).
Mary

[meretricious]

mary, first of all, i'm can i just be jealous that willow's never had a humiliating toilet hugging monster. hangover? k, thanx. loved the whole xander/willow talk and original scoobies thoughts, can see them back when xander was just a goofy guy dabbing ice cream on her nose, it is easy to forget how young they were when this all started. i'm glad i wasn't the only one who got "you're a good man charlie brown " stuck in their head (and i'd bet 20 bucks carleen did too, and just didn't mention it). it's sad that xander sees himself as red-shirt guy expendable extra, was this a little foreshadowing into the big bad choosing xander next? prob. not since you've said x/a aren't a big focus in this story, but very easy to see xander being convinced he's in the way much as willow was. definitely don' t want xander to assume he knows anya's insecurities, willow and tara were pretty confident in that arena, too, and it was of zero help to them.

love, love, the description of kyra's eyes grumbling, exactly what babies do. anya made a good point, the scoobies are probably either more vulnerable or less vulnerable now, but since this fic is focused on them, i'm gonna go with "more".

faith's "cream" remark, definitely a spit-take moment. all of the awkwardness of the faith/willow convo was spot on. a neccessary talk even if both of them would probably rather be having a root canal. faith's thoughts that "some things go way beyond a rosary..." makes me think she really is spending a little time in mass, and not just to stock up on holy water.
i'm perfectly happy to stick with convo heavy updates, esp. when you're the one writing them. cause action, well seems to me that's going to lead to more angst and bad t hings before we get to any kind of happy ending. i'm content to stay on the slow climb up the roller coaster for as long as possible before stomach-lurching fall down the big drop ~ mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

Mary, Queen of Feedback: Girlfriend, I didn't exactly write the toilet-hugging image out of research into other people's experience...Yoikes.

You know, I had such mixed reactions to Xander in canon. At his best, he was self-deprecating and quietly effective. At his worst, he was the judgemental brat who lied to Buffy about what Willow said (on her way to fight Angel) and didn't want Willow until somebody else had her. But I like him better here, b/c if I didn't I couldn't write him.

We're definitely not done with the convos. I was looking forward to Willow and Faith's initial chat, but that's just a slight door that was opened. Where will it lead? Will Faith slam it back shut? Let's ask the author.

Oh, that's right. I am the author. I'll try to figure that stuff out, OK?

Thanks for following this, Mar--(Mary said, presumptuously adopting a nickname often given her). I love reading your ideas.

OK--Update to follow.
Mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

AS TIME GOES BY

Part 17

Pairings: Willow and Tara; Lares and Penates; Ham and Eggs

Distribution: One if by land; two if by sea; either way, just ask me.

Disclaimer: I got you, Babe...But I don't got these characters.

*********

Willow looked at Faith as Tara turned to leave. "Did you know anything about this?"

Was Faith holding out on us?

But Faith just shook her head and headed toward the door. "I know he was on the phone with Wes the whole damn morning. Every time I walked through the room, seemed like his accent was getting thicker. He seemed psyched about something on the way here; he just didn't go into specifics."

She wonders if Giles was holding out on her.

"What were you doing during all the British talk?" she asked curiously.

"Watching cartoons," Faith replied without an ounce of self-consciousness.

"Which ones?" Willow found it fascinating that while she had been agonizing over her meeting with Xander and certainly with Faith herself, the Dark Slayer had been glued to the Cartoon Network.

"Power Puff Girls," Faith said promptly. "Those babes kick ass."

Shoulda known it wasn't Blue's Clues.

They emerged to find Giles looking impatiently at the 40'ish African American woman purchasing several crystals and two books.

Y'know, Giles, we really do need to have people in the store at least some of the time.

"Thank you, and have a nice day," Anya said sweetly. As the customer left, she exclaimed gleefully, "One of those books was set to go on discount next week!"

"How capitally capitalistic of you, Anya," Giles sighed. "Could we possibly close the store for even a few moments? I'd rather not be disturbed."

Anya looked at her watch. "It's mid-afternoon on a Wednesday; one of the lowest traffic times in retail...OK. But just for half an hour." She walked over to the door and flipped the store sign, pulling down the blinds as she did so.

"Where's Buffy?" the Watcher asked, moving to a side table to make some tea.

"Probably picking Dawn up from school," Tara replied, checking the clock over the counter. "You found something?"

"From my conversation with Wesley this morning, yes," he replied, clearly excited. "You know, he really has loosened up quite a bit from that stuffy, fastidious little man I first met," he added, methodically arranging his pot, cup, and lemon slices and giving an annoyed glance at the tea packets scattered about on the table. "Really, is it too much to ask that you keep these alphabetized as I requested?"

"Well, you set such a good example for him of how laid back a Watcher can be," Xander remarked dryly.

"Oh, thank you. I rather think so. Anyway, he has really quite extensive connections to the Los Angeles demon underground, and after considerable effort, he almost literally dug up a character named Bedtherall who has heard of a creature very much like the one wreaking such havoc here."

"Bet Wesley met him in a leather bar," Anya said, nodding.

"What?" Giles looked up, startled.

"Nothing," Anya replied, tossing Willow a conspiratorial wink.

"What did this Bed-whoever tell him?" Willow asked, then grinned. "'Bed-whoever'...Heh..."

"I'd prefer to wait for Buffy and Dawn's arrival before going into the specifics," Giles replied, glancing at his watch.

He's scared. They're not even late, and he's imagining the worst.

"They'll be here soon," she said reassuringly, at which point Buffy and Dawn walked through the door.

"George Bush will impeached soon," she added hopefully, to no apparent avail.

"Bub!" Kyra's voice gurgled out like a bottle of cold grape soda popping open.

Faith looked at her quizzically, and then back to Buffy. An immense grin slowly split her face. "That's her name for you? 'Bub'?" she asked delightedly.

"No," Buffy replied a little too quickly. "She said 'Bug, because--"

"BubBubBubBubBub!" The extended arms and eager smile made further denial pointless. Buffy sighed and went over to pick up Kyra.

"Bub Summers--the greatest vampire slayer of all time!" Faith chortled. "I didn't think you could get more intimidating than 'Buffy,' but I slouch corrected."

Wait a minute--did Faith just call Buffy--?

"Looks like Giles here has something to report," Buffy said frostily. "You wanna hear about it or stand here and laugh at me all day?"

"Laugh at you all day, B," Faith replied, as if surprised Buffy needed to ask. "No contest, even for a high school drop-out like me."

Giles gave a quick recap of what he had shared thus far. "This Bedtherall directed Wesley to an ancient text--"

"Why are they always ancient?" Xander piped up, crossing his arms. "We always have our noses in these musty old books that were written before humans harvested the power of fire. How come we never get any books marked, 'Copyright 1987, Acme Supernatural, Incorporated'?"

Giles paused. "A legitimate question, Xander, albeit one of surpassing irrelevance at the moment."

Willow could feel a slight but welcome shift in the room. Finally there was something that might help them. This awful sense of stabbing out blindly, wondering if the next thing you battled would be your own mind, had left them all on edge and disoriented. The danger was still there--Where? Xander's mind? Buffy's? Tara's?--but any light, no matter how small or flickering, would give greater illumination than they'd had thus far.

"So spill, G-Man," Faith said impatiently. "What is this thing?"

"It's quite old, apparently. There are records of its attacks dating back to ancient Rome, certainly before the birth of Jesus. It has been known by many names, often depending on the time and place of its appearance, but each appellation carries some element of despair. It came to southern France in the mid-18th century, for example, and was known as 'Mort du Coeur': Death of the Heart. Keep in mind, though, that it may have attacked any number of other times besides those that we know of, and it was never recognized as something mystical or demonic."

"So how did anyone ever recognize it?" Tara asked curiously.

"I suppose through the same means as we did: people who were already involved in demon fighting, who took notice of suicides that seemed to afflict only those committed to the greater good."

"Same M.O.?" Xander asked.

"Yes. It appears to..well, to feed off of the lightness of these souls, or rather the darkness that their deaths create."

"Wait a minute," Willow said, ideas tumbling in and out of her mind. "I thought we were dealing with a prophecy. Isn't that pretty much by definition about the future? This thing has been around longer than Strom Thurmond."

That brought them all up short for several moments. Finally, Dawn said tentatively, "Maybe our demon and the prophecy aren't related, or at least not the same thing."

Faith frowned. "I dunno, D--seems like a helluva coincidence."

Willow saw Dawn's barely-disguised beaming upon earning a nickname from Faith.

First Tara; now Faith. We gotta see if Sunnydale High has a gay-straight alliance.

"Besides, this thing is only taking out 'light,' Xander pointed out. "And it's certainly creating darkness."

"But out of it will come new light?" Tara mused. "When have we ever heard of a demon being in service to some ultimate goodness? I mean, I'm assuming the 'new light' is good."

"So maybe this prophecy is talking about some new light that emerges from darkness," Anya offered, "and it doesn't really matter what the darkness is."

"But it also says the darkness will come from light, and that's what this demon is doing," Buffy countered.

"Maybe the demon's just a pawn in this," Willow said thoughtfully. "It's doing its typical joy-suck deal, but this time it's caught up in something that's gonna use it."

"Oh, that should go over well," Anya said, rolling her eyes. "Demons love being played."

"I dunno..." Buffy seemed to be struggling with some elusive idea. "Maybe--maybe light needs darkness; you know, to give it meaning, or...or renew it. Like, a forest fire is devastating; it wipes out everything in its path, right? But the soil ends up richer afterwards. Maybe it's like that."

Whoa...Look who's going philosophical on us.

They all considered this. "That's an incredibly steep price, Buffy," Giles finally said. "Certainly, sacrifices are often demanded and made in the quest to vanquish a demon. But to say that sacrifices must be made to feed some evil? Even in the service of its ultimate defeat?"

The shop was silent for a moment until Xander said, "That has about 173 implications to it, Buffster, and I don't like any of 'em."

"What started what?" Dawn piped up suddenly. "This feels like one of those logic questions: 'A can only sit next to B on the bus if C is facing west, but C can only face west if neither A nor B is carrying a book bag.' How do we know?"

Another long silence filled the room until Buffy finally said, "OK, let's shelve that for now. What else do we know about this thing? Like, oh--how has it managed to stick around for so long?"

"It appears that this creature disappears for long stretches of time."

"How long?" Willow demanded.

Giles gave a regretful shrug. "No one really seems to know. It seems safe to assume that there have been appearances that were not recognized as demonic in nature."

"But that's not really the main thing, is it?" Tara asked. "We're pretty sure this is it, we know it's here. My question is, where does it go when it's not trying to take good souls?" Willow felt her lover's hand reach out and close over her own.

"We're not sure," Giles admitted. "Perhaps it hibernates, or some demonic equivalent thereof."

"Why Sunnydale?" Buffy asked suddenly.

Everyone stared at her. "Um, because bad stuff always happens here, Buffy," Xander said, as if explaining why the sun went away to a three-year-old.

"Right. Hellmouth--ooh, scary...But this thing feeds on good people. Wouldn't you think that it might pick someplace a little more...wholesome? Like, isn't there probably a really nice town in Iowa somewhere?"

"Maybe...Maybe it needs people whose light has been...forged, somehow," Tara said slowly. "Tested--you know? I mean, not to suggest that people in Iowa don't face awful challenges..."

"But if you're gonna be a do-gooder in Sunnydale, you'd better have the chops," Dawn said thoughtfully.

"Exactly," Tara nodded.

Buffy turned to her Watcher. "Giles, what about the other times this thing showed up. Same kinda deal?"

Giles scanned his notes again. "I can't speak with certainty on every appearance, but yes--there are at least four occasions that we know of where darkness prevailed with particular malignancy--dictatorships, slavery...And this creature always showed up in the very heart of it."

"Where it knew it would find good people fighting a battle with really long odds," Buffy said.

"So the white-hats need to have a little extra bleach," Xander mused.

"Anything else on this thing?" Faith asked grimly.

She hates this metaphysical stuff. She wants something to kill.

"Well, it appears to feed off of the light of its victims, and then it disappears. Again, we don't know exactly where it goes when not...feeding." Giles looked up slowly. "But we do know that it takes ten lives and then disappears."

"Ten?" Buffy asked sharply. "How many does it already have?"

"That we know of? Seven." He paused, clearing his throat. "Willow...Willow would have made eight."

Was that just last night? Had she really stepped off of their balcony less than twenty-four hours ago?

Tara's voice was quiet and utterly commanding. "Here's my question: Is Willow immune? I mean, can it hit her again?"

"I'm afraid I don't know," Giles said apologetically. "We don't have any record of anyone surviving an attack."

"I'm so special," Willow said brightly, trying to lighten the mood.

"I didn't need proof of it," Tara muttered darkly, squeezing Willow's hand tightly.

"We were talking about it earlier this afternoon," Willow continued, feeling acutely self-conscious. "You know--whether it'll target someone else in the group, or move on where nobody knows to look for it."

"Maybe if it knows we're being extra-vigilant...?" Dawn said tentatively.

"That may well be," Giles acknowledged. "One of the unknown elements in this is whether it operates under any kind of time constraints."

"That would be a bonus," Xander nodded. "Definitely made things a little easier with Glory."

"And if not--great," Buffy said in frustration. "We walk around paranoid until three more people kill themselves. Then we get to deal with the guilt."

No one seemed to know how to reply to this. Then Dawn looked up suddenly. "OK, so there are seven deadly sins, right? Is there any kind of--I don't know--ten saintly virtues? Like maybe this demon's collecting specific good stuff."

"That's a great theory, Dawnie," Tara said, "but the seven deadly sins are part of Christian theology. This thing predates Jesus."

Willow nodded. "That would have given us some good info--compare the seven suicides here; see what might be next. I think my virtue would have been academic preparedness," she added.

A gaping, awkward silence greeted what Willow thought had been really a nice example of black humor. Looking at Tara, she saw pain in the blue eyes and a forced smile that fell well short of those eyes.

Buffy pulled Kyra more tightly against her and said in a small voice, "It's gonna take us a while before we can really get on the Sardonic Train around you trying to kill yourself, Will."

Xander nodded. "Give us at least until RJ Reynolds admits that smoking can be bad for you, OK?"

Willow smiled apologetically. "Sorry, guys. Just trying to be all with the cool humor."

"Yeah, well, you're the original spaz of the group, so just forget about it," Dawn said, crossing her arms and glaring at her. "Stick with babbling."

"Anything else?" Buffy asked after a minute.

"No, that's it for now. But it does give us something to go on," Giles replied, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, it does," Willow said softly. "Thanks...for all the digging, I mean."

He looked at her, eyes creasing with his slight smile of acknowledgement. "It's...absolutely imperative that no one here be lost," he said simply.

There was a moment of quiet connection among them all then--glances exchanged; fingers entwined. Even Faith showed no sign of impatience, or discomfort. She just crossed her arms and nodded which was, Willow suspected, her way of saying: Count me in.

And then Anya stood up and asked, "It's been almost forty-five minutes. Can we resume our attempt at solvency?"

"Please do," Buffy replied. "Somebody here's gotta keep us outta debtor's prison. I mean, besides Willow's quote unquote computer skills," she added with a grin.

"My generosity is boundless," the ex-demon said, reaching into her pocket and tossing a quarter onto the table. "But don't get too comfortable with it," she added over her shoulder as she moved to change the sign and lift the shades.

"What was that?" Buffy asked, turning to Faith, who was shaking her head and laughing.

"'Bub.' I think I'm gonna have you an ID bracelet made with it. Tell the engraver I want the prettiest writing he's got." The Dark Slayer was looking at Kyra and grinning widely.

"OK, smart ass, let's see what she calls you. C'mere," Buffy sniffed, beckoning Faith to kneel beside her where she held Kyra on her lap.

Faith gave a quick glance at Tara, who in turn looked at Willow. It's time. And Willow gave a nod of permission.

Faith knelt down beside Buffy, her eyes getting just slightly larger as she looked at Kyra.

For her part, Willow watched Faith's dark head so close to Buffy's. It may never happen, but God--they'd be beautiful together.

Buffy cleared her throat dramatically. "Kyra, this is Faith. Can you say 'Faith'?"

Kyra gave a huge grin and tilted her head. Then she reached out one tiny hand and rested it on Faith's cheek.

"Fate."

********

To Be Continued

[Willow~Rosenberg]

Finally, some information on the Big Bad. However, the information creates more questions then answers.

Loved the Xander/Giles comment. Giles saying that Wesley has really loosened up then getting upset that the tea bags were not alphabetized. And the the leather bar Anya comment... lol

Nice reference to Willow's "wish I had a million dollars" comment from 'Triangle.'

Also liked how Faith found out Kyra's nickname for Buffy. "Bub." The way that Faith let some of her feelings slip in to her comment to Buffy should prove interesting if Buffy ever plays connect the dots with Faith's word choice. She called her "the greatest vampire slayer of all time." While it might have been in jest, there was underlying seriousness there. It shows how much Faith respects Buffy. Aslo, the intimidating remark can also be looked at two ways. Faith could have been kidding her, or she could have been revealing one of the things that scare her. She's afraid of how Buffy perceives her, perhaps. She doesn't want Buffy to look at her and think that she's the same person she was when she went all Dark Slayer.

Willow's comment about the whereabouts of the demon is also something different for them. Usually, the Big Bads attack during the evening or in the cover of darkness. This BB doesn't need it to be nighttime. It can attack them at any time since it may or may not need contact with them. All of the other Big Bads needed physical contact with them. Does this one need it as well?

Dawnie's got it bad and Willow recognizes it. This is going to get bad if Dawn realizes that, once again, her feelings are not reciprocated.

With the demon disappearing for long periods of time, this is most curious. What does it do once it has collected the ten souls? Does it go away because it have the ten souls, keeping the evil at bay for long periods of time? I'm really curious about this.

Willow's black humor comment on her "academic preparedness" still shows that she still has issues with how she perceives herself and how others perceive her. She could have offered magickal proffieciency or one of the many other characteristics that set her apart from others as her "contribution" of the ten qualities. She is smart, but that's not all she has to offer.

Willow's peace offereing about letting her get near her daughter shows that she is starting to trust the Dark Slayer now. Kyra calling Faith "Fate." This is going to get really interesting.

I've got a bad feeling that Kyra will play a key role in all of this somehow. I'm pondering how she could be connected to the light coming from darkness. I'll let you know if I come up with a theory, but you manage to throw curveballls when I'm expecting a fastball. I look forward to seeing how this all ties together in upcoming updates.

[Washi]

Bub. LMAO
Light forged by darkness, for some reason, that line made me think of pretty much everyone in the group, but two people in particular. I have a theory on who it's gonna try to strike next.
And, this line:

It may never happen, but God--they'd be beautiful together.

so true.

I have a question, totally off topic, but where's Aunt Bev? I just thought of her, and I'm curious.

As always, great stuff... can't wait for the next part.

[Naeryn]

To the people asking about aunt Bev - I'm not the writer, so I don't know, but I doubt she'll show up unless there's some particular danger to Dawn.

Wonderfully written. Bub made me laugh, I found Willow's joke about the suicide thing amusing, I love black humour.

Wow... that was crazy. That bit there at the end. Turning 'Faith' into 'fate'. It would never have occured to me to do something like that, but it was absolutely perfect.

And I'm terribly impatient; I want to read more. Now.

[Patches]

Drats!! out of the numbers!

Back later after I finish up what I do for a living so I can get back to what I do for fun.

Hello again, Mary.

My goodness, you pack a lot of information into a scene. I know a few people have clamoured for a little action, but personally, I’m contented with sitting back while the drama unfolds.

You’ve really set about making these characters a whole lot more likable, haven’t you? In GS&A, I ceased willing Dawn to be sacrificed in some incredibly meaningless way. I won’t bore you with individual character commentaries, just to say that the depth you’ve added makes ‘what they do’ as a group far more convincing than the show. It’s as if they’ve gone from self-propelled props to ‘real’ people the reader can take an interest in. The actions and integration really work. Btw, I never liked how the gang handled Faith on the show. Xander did far more damage and I believe got more people killed through bad judgement calls. Faith was raked over the coals, but lil’ole Xander got off scott—(and conscience)—free. Perhaps, if the what-ever-it-is demon wants to pick on Xander, he/she/it can focus on that.

Oh, ya, the prophesy. I sorta forgot about that. I was like, ‘what prophesy?’ Then the wheel churned and the hamsters turned the light back on. So, we have a prophecy, old tomes and an ancient evil intent on collecting 10 do-gooder deaths to deal with. And scoobies wandering around muttering...'do you mind, I'm minding my mind.' Loved the set up with Krya--Fate for Faith -- Out of the mouths of babes.

As always, thanks for the great story. Hope you have a great weekend.

Patches

[hermitfish]

Hi Mary,

Enjoyed the last two updates muchly.

The group conversation in the last update was excellent. It was intelligent, balanced, and reflected an unspoken but apparent determination (more so than usual) to get rid of the baddie. It was also, of course, a bit more sober and serious than their usual repartee but still so eloquently done. The snippets of humor (the tea was great) seemed to be subdued as well, melding nicely with the rest of the update.

Now, I’ve got theory (don’t worry I won’t sing…I’m not even THAT cruel).

Or rather I had a theory on our favorite lil Bub calling pint size but I think a long week has driven it right out of my mind. It was probably a mile and a half down a country road we’re not traveling on anyway. Guess I’ll just have to eagerly wait and see where you take us.

Pleasure to read your talent, as always.

~Cyd