Unparalleled Love

[xita]

Ahh you have very interesting plotting here. I wonder how things will go if they meet. Poor Tara is devestated! thanks!

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"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

[Grimlock72]

Poor Tara, she wants to tell people she knows from her dimension others are alive... which she can't do because more than likely her dimension/world is gone. In more ways than one even.



I had to smile at the typical Willow-ness in the first chapter, "Quickly, Willow mumbled, "But tell him he'll have to switch cheeses; mine has provolone.". Makes her very recognizable .



This Tara hardly has had time to mourn Willow, or get angry or sad. From the looks of it she woke up recently and is now remembering her and Willow being attacked. I'll agree Tara isn't as likely to explode *after* Willow is killed, she would protect her just as fiercely before that though she might not have had that chance. That has to be awfull to life with, not being able to prevent such a thing. That makes two of them... maybe they can at least help each other cope with their losses.



Interesting that Willow doesn't run to Tara in an effort to make it all better but first thinks of Tara's need and wants to send her back. Very nice to read that, it does make their life complicating. Coming from different dimensions and all, should be interesting to see what other differences there were.



Poor Tara, feeling all alone and fearfull that Willow isn't really a Willow at all. Nice long updates too by the way, I like those



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[good2cats]

Hi,
This story is just phenomenal.Beautifully rendered and heart breaking.Very interesting angle to approach the loss.I am eagerly awaiting your next update soon I hope.
Be well,Karen

[WiccanSpud]

Good god...



that was pretty intense... i just realized that I hadn't taken a breath in like five minutes. great job on this fic. The way you write all the characters (not just w/t) is so believable... gotta love it!



i love angst... the deeper and lower the lows, the better and greater the highs...



good job,

-spud

[Washi]

This is great! Intense, heart-wrenching and just plain wowsers. I'm waiting ipatiently for the next update. Great job.

-------------------



"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa



The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB



.:Dark-bliss.net :..:My blog:..:Blood and Ink:.

[JulesP600]

Oh!! Good, good story



It is nice to the way you really seem to have captured their characters so well!!!!

The only way to have a friend is to be one

[Lovers4ever]

I'm bowled over by everyone's great feedback. Thank you for taking the time from your busy lives to comment. You could have just read and run, but you didn't. It means a lot to me. Another installment awaits you below.







Unparalleled Love

Author : Lovers4Ever

Feedback: Always welcome

Distribution: Just let me know first.

Spoilers: This story takes place shortly after the conclusion of the last season of BtVS, season 7. There’s an ever so slight crossover with Angel.

Rating: R

Pairing: W/T

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, but I love and cherish them more than their owners ever did.

Summary: This is a highly angsty story of reunion and healing. It starts a few months after the last season of Buffy. Also, there’s a slight diversion from canon: for purposes of this story (and my own psyche.)



Another opportunity (yippee) to thank TKOLove for throwing her beta expertise my way. You rock.





Unparalleled Love



Chapter Three



In a hotel suite that had been modified to function as a medical recovery room, Tara lay in a bed on her side facing the window. The sun was setting but her eyes were focused much further away than the sunset.



"What do you mean it's all downhill from here?" Tara was vaguely aware of Willow talking to her as they were both supposed to be studying. Tara was sitting on her dorm room floor, leaning up against her bed, while Willow was sprawled on her stomach across the bed with her head just behind Tara's.



"I mean, everything from here on out is gravy. We're coasting now," Willow continued.



"I still don't get what you mean." Tara turned around and gave Willow her undivided attention. They were practically nose-to-nose and Willow softened her voice to a more intimate tone.



"It's like acing a final exam on the first day of class!" Seeing Tara's confused look and realizing that she wasn't paying attention when Willow started this conversation, Willow started over. "Everyone spends their life looking for happiness, right? They might never find it. They might have to settle for almost-happiness. But I don't know anyone personally who's found their soul mate. Well, maybe Buffy and Angel, but for purposes of this conversation, I'm going to limit it to people under 200 years old. So…" Willow was stymied in her thought process as she looked into Tara's piercing blue eyes. She had to look away briefly to recapture her point and go on. "So, think about all that energy and misguided attachment that people go through, but not us! Not you and me. We have the luxury of concentrating on the rest of our lives together."



"So you're saying you're grateful we met each other now instead of, say, when we're in our 90's?"



Willow twirled some strands of Tara's hair between her fingers. "Grateful is too tame a word. I'm also relieved, sort of."



Tara sized up Willow and her soul mate dissertation. "You've actually come up with a formula to calculate the chances of finding a soul mate, haven't you?" Willow sat up on the bed with a look of indignation and closed her laptop with forced casualness. Tara smiled and shook her head slightly. She removed the book from her lap, placed it on the floor, and stood up facing the bed. Willow just sat on the bed looking dejected.



"Sweetie," Tara said as she climbed onto the bed, pulling Willow down into an embrace, "I know you have to measure and calculate these things before they're real to you. That's part of you and I love the whole package. W-Why don't you be in charge of concentrating on the rest of our lives 'cause I'm content on being right here and now." They touched foreheads, breath mingling and eyes locked.



With a wink and a small smile, Willow asked, "So what did you have in mind for right here and right now?"



"I think…you…know," Tara replied between the kisses she planted down Willow’s neck. Willow’s body responded, as it always would. Her back arched, yearning for as much contact with Tara as possible.



With a quick glance at the bedside clock, Willow said, "I've got a class in half an hour."



"You want to stop?" Tara asked.



"No, no, no," Willow whispered into Tara's ear while wriggling her hands beneath Tara's clothes in search of warm, moist crevices, "we've got forever, baby. We can take it slow some other time."



"Liar."



"Who's a liar, Tara?" Buffy had been watching Tara from the doorway. She thought Tara was asleep until she heard her speak.



Tara slowly sat up and turned toward Buffy's voice. Buffy gasped and walked toward the bed but stopped within an arm's distance. They studied each other's face - caught in a bizarre place between the familiar and incomprehensible. Each was dead in the other's world.



"Buffy."



"In the flesh."



This was still Tara. Here was one of the few people in any world who Buffy trusted and opened up to. Even her slayer strength couldn't stop her own gravitation toward Tara's arms. "Oh, Tara." They held each other until the notion set in that this was real.



Finally breaking the embrace, they each took another moment to study the other's live form. "I can't believe you're alive," Tara finally uttered.



"You stole my line."



Looking behind Buffy, Tara asked, "Is Willow with you?"



"No," Buffy answered. "She's a mess, but she's trying to keep it together in case you need her."



Looking down at her hands, her voice breaking, Tara asked, "Why didn't they bring her back too?"



"Who?"



"Willow."



"Oh." Buffy decided to give Tara the story as it was given to her. "Angel said they were doing good just to get you out before the portal closed."



"Can I go back?"



Buffy hesitated, which gave Tara her answer. Still, Buffy felt Tara deserved every explanation available. "Your world, or at least the human part, was collapsing under the First. Even if they could find the portal again, it wouldn't be safe - not for you or anyone."



Tara wept silent tears into her pillow as she felt her mind free falling into an abyss with no Willow to pull her out. Buffy stroked Tara's arm, feeling inadequate to the task of consoling her best friend's lover, or at least a version of that lover.



"She would have been happy to know you were alive," Tara barely whispered.



"Wherever she is, I know she's happy you're alive," was all Buffy could think to reply. It sounded so trite, but Buffy had to believe it was true.



"I don't feel very alive."



Remembering how desperate Willow was for anything possible being done for Tara, Buffy asked, "Can I do anything? Get you anything?"



"Yes," Tara thought, "you can bring me the body of my dead lover. I didn't get to say good-bye or mourn for her properly." But Buffy’s offer was obviously meant to cover things more possible and tangible, and Tara knew it. She took in a slow, deep breath and tried to shake her head clear. “Ok, so how about you take me away from my own thoughts. Tell me about everyone. Willow said everyone’s alive."



"Well, let’s see…” she started as she paced around the room. “We all fought the big bad First and managed to put a cork in Sunnydale, kind of. It's gone. Sunnydale is completely gone. Just about everyone got out first, luckily. Dawn is in school near San Diego and living with Xander. I'm still trying to figure out how to fit “Vampire Slayer” into my resume. I just got back from a visit with Giles in England. Wait until he hears about you! I usually stay with Xander and Dawn when I’m in the U.S., but Giles says I need to go to another Hellmouth and train other slayers. If he can work it out so that some payola is involved, I might do it. But I won’t take Dawn with me. She’s my sister and I’m trying to be as close as I can as much as I can, but I won’t put her near a Hellmouth again. Not intentionally, anyway.” What Buffy wanted to add, but didn’t, was “I’m trying to be the big sister to Dawn that you were, Tara. You set the standard pretty high.”



An imperceptible smile crept into Tara's eyes. With every revelation she heard from Buffy, her world expanded. In the past year, she had witnessed the death of everyone close to her. Now, like air blown into a nearly empty balloon, Tara's perception of the world was being filled with incredible possibilities. Could this all be true? Could the people she held close to her heart really exist in a world…this world?



Buffy continued, "Xander is a damn fine cabinet maker. He had to give up regular construction work 'cause…'cause the First gouged out one of his eyes."



"Oh no!" Tara sat upright in bed, shaken from the wonderful picture Buffy had been painting.



"And, as Xander put it, 'most foremen prefer workers who can see in stereo'. He doesn't let it get him down."



"He wouldn't." Tara immediately replied and then gulped back a sob, remembering Xander's recent brave fight to the death in her own dimension. Buffy held Tara again as sobs shook her body. "You were each taken from us."



"I kind of figured that's what happened.” Buffy could think of no way to segue into the next statement. “We lost Anya." She knew Tara and Anya shared a special bond; a sort of Scooby-by-association connection. And now Tara is getting news of a death that's already happened for her. She lost Anya twice. "Spike came through in the end. Did the noble thing."



"Angel told me about Spike being a ghost now. I think I actually felt him in this room once. But it was fleeting."



Buffy stopped talking, not sure how to proceed. "Is that who you were talking to when I came in? You called someone a liar."



"Oh, that," Tara let out an anguished sigh. "I just remembered a time, many moons ago, when Willow said we had forever. She and I had all the time in the world. I guess you could say I'm a little bitter over that one." Not really ready to hear but needing to just the same, Tara looked at Buffy. "You still haven't mentioned two people."



"Two?"



"Willow and me, or the other me."



Having to recount everything that Willow went through was going to be hard enough, but Buffy hadn't anticipated telling Tara of her own death. She just got through telling Willow that her parallel self met her demise…and now this?



"Can we do this in installments? You look tired. I can finish some other time." Buffy was really the tired one. She was still on England time and it felt like she should either be sleeping or at least eating breakfast.



But Tara said nothing in response to Buffy's suggestion. She just looked at her with those inquiring blue eyes and hoped that Buffy could see how much she needed to hear everything.



Acquiescing, Buffy softly spoke to Tara. "As bizarre as it would be to watch, I wish there were another Tara around to tell you everything. And, if there were another Tara, then all of the bad stuff with Willow wouldn't have happened. Tara, you were killed last year. You died in Willow's arms."



**



"So that's what she meant," Tara said after recovering from the news of the other Tara's death.



"What who meant?" Buffy asked.



"When I heard Willow's voice in my head, she wondered if we were doomed to love and lose each other throughout eternity. She really does know what I'm going through."



"To say Willow didn't handle your death well would be the understatement of the century," Buffy felt compelled to add.



"Was it that bad?" Tara wanted to know. "Maybe Willow should be telling me everything."



"No," said Buffy quickly, "She would be too hard on herself. We've all forgiven her, but I'm not so certain she's forgiven herself. She always gives herself an extra helping at the guilt buffet."



"Well, you're definitely describing a Willow identical to mine."



"Weird, huh?"



They both nodded. Buffy now chose her words carefully. She didn’t want to gloss over too much because there was always a chance Tara would hear an unsympathetic version later from someone who wasn’t Willow’s best friend. "Warren killed you. He shot me and an errant round broke through the upstairs window. You were standing right there." Buffy felt her throat tighten and she swallowed hard before continuing. "You and Willow were both standing right there. You died instantly. Willow said she tried to get Osiris to resurrect you…but he refused, saying it was a natural death by human hands.”



Buffy was stopped by the sounds of Tara’s crying. “I should go,” the Slayer offered.



“No. No, please stay. This is where our worlds veer into different paths. I can tell you that W-Warren killed only you that day. Shortly after that, the First arrived. Over time, he killed each of you. Willow and I knew that our time was running short. We came to LA to get Angel’s help.”



Buffy added, “Angel thinks the demon was sent by the First to stop you.”



“It worked.”



“Just curious, but what happened to Warren, after he killed me?” Buffy asked.



“He got away, briefly.” Tara stopped to take a sip of water from the bedside table. She knew she would be asleep in an instant if she laid her head down, but she wanted to press on. She was afraid Willow’s death would repeat itself in her nightmares. “Willow was wild with grief over your death…your murder. I followed her as she hunted Warren down. I tried to reason with her, but she wouldn’t listen. She loved -- loves you so much. Before I could s-stop her, she hurt him. She hurt him bad. But he still had that gun, and just as he was about to shoot Willow, the police showed up. They saw his gun and opened fire. I don’t know if anything could have stopped her if the police hadn’t arrived. It sounds crazy, I know, but I think she felt cheated when the police killed Warren.”



Buffy cradled her head in her hands and let out a groan. “That’s not an issue in this world.”



Trying to lay the groundwork and garner as much sympathy for Willow as possible, Buffy started, “She loved you so much. You had just reconciled.”



“I remember.”



“Keep remembering that.” Buffy pleaded as she recounted the story for Tara of Willow’s descent into dark magic, madness and vengeance brought on by her grief.



“She wasn’t herself. She was pushed over the edge when you died. She told me that the only thing she had going for her were those moments when you, er, Tara looked at her and she felt wonderful…and that would never happen again.”



Tara coughed and drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them close. "I've been using the N word a lot today too. I'll never see her again. I'll never hear her voice again. I'll never feel special again."



Buffy thought briefly of the "nevers" in her life and then continued. “After the dust cleared, Giles arranged for her to study with a coven in England. She's worked hard to hold it together. She was my big gun in fighting The First. There haven't been any more episodes remotely like that again. But…then again, a person can only lose their soul mate once. Right? One to a customer." Buffy immediately regretted saying that. Tara's face spelled out just how well she knew what it felt like to lose one's soul mate. Trying to change the direction of the conversation, Buffy said, "Willow has her balance back now, and then some. I’ll bet you were Willow’s balance in your world.”



“That might be true.” Tara laid back slowly on the bed and reflected on all that Buffy had told her. “I didn’t think until now that my Willow was capable of using her power in such destructive ways, but I guess I have to allow for the possibility.”



With quiet resolve, Buffy said, “Please don’t hate Willow. It would kill her.”



Tara’s head whipped toward Buffy with a look of complete bafflement. “Hate her? Buffy I…I can’t judge the actions of anyone who went through the hell I’m going through now. Yes, I hate that she hurt her friends. As for murdering Warren, well, my Willow nearly did the same thing. She’s…she was my life; I think we’d have worked through it even if she had killed him. I could never hate Willow.”



Buffy took one of Tara’s hands in her own. She thought of the times when the Scoobies leaned on Tara for warmth and support. Buffy wanted to give as much of that back as possible to this Tara. It was selfish in a way because comforting this Tara made Buffy feel better, as though a debt were being paid across dimensions.



“Buffy, I don’t know where I should be, what I should do. I want Willow here to talk to, but she’s gone.”



“You can talk to Willow.”



TBC

Edited by: Warduke at: 4/18/04 10:05 am

[sabina]

Hi



Thank you for posting on the update thread. It really helps me to not miss any updates



This was a great update

I feel extremely sorry for Tara... even though everyone is alive in this world she stills feels completely alone



I'll be waiting anxiously for the next update to see how will this story progress

---

"I know I was born and I know that I'll die.

The in between is mine.

I am mine!" - Pearl Jam

[allykat]

This is excellent work!



I don't know what to say about this amazing fic, except that I so want to read more!!

[TKOLove]

Quote:

---

""...we've got forever, baby. We can take it slow some other time."



"Liar."

---

I can't remember if I told you how much this really got me. . You found a way to illustrate the beauty of Willow and Tara's unmistakable passion...then like the flick of a switch you have us shocked back into the reality of Tara's seemingly insurmountable pain. I don't know whether to hug you or yell at you. Well, that's not entirely true.



Yet another terrific chapter in a wonderful fic.

...when we find That Kind of Love...

[willowsgirl]

Wow, Im really loving this fic so far. Its dark, angsty and you've got the characters spot on. We're not all smut fiends here at pens, we love a bit of angst. Well, I do anyway!

I completely agree with TKOlove, about the contrast between the flashback and Tara's thoughts...it was really heartwrenching to hear Tara's bitterness and disappointment.

More soon pleeeeeeeeease?!



Willowsgirl/stacey xx

Edited by: willowsgirl at: 12/1/03 3:31 am

[cinderlust]

can't wait for willow and tara to meet... they've each been hurt beyond words... it's time to bring a little bit of hope back in their lives...



great chapter, btw. liked the interacting between tara and buffy.



thanks,

mai

[Grimlock72]

Hmm... actually this is sort of about 'parallel love' isn't it ?



Tara's flashback was bitter sweet, knowing what had happened already .



Setting Warren up to be shot by the police is MUCH better, let them to do the dirty work : --> . I'm not entirely sure they would have worked through that if Willow had killed Warren basicly in front of Tara. Would have taken a lot of time for sure.



Good to hear from Buffy what happened to Sunnydale and the other scoobies. I was wondering about the hellmouth being gone yet Sunnydale appearantly still being there :-)



Tara really is alone in this dimension, in the sense of nobody from her own dimension being around. The people in the current dimension may look familiar to her but they ARE different and will have slightly different life-stories. Just bringing Willow and Tara together won't instantly fix that. Besides, Tara must have a lot of horrible memories besides seeing Willow die she saw pretty much all her friends die... not pretty...



Granted, having (even from another dimension) Willow around will help her cope. Still those events did happen to this Tara, they won't just go *poof*.



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[amberfan87]

yay!!!just got back from school...just finished my religion reaction paper and a computer science exercise and a chem exam and a freaking research paper class!!this is just wow and soothing...thanks for the update and no problem on the feedback...u are most definitely welcomee!!!more angst please....heheheheh

take care



nicole hehehehhe

[screeminguitar]

Wow--that was truly powerful. I like how you made Tara's version make so much sense versus the real version we all knew. EXCELLENT!!!!



I hope they reunite soon cause my heart is aching for both of them!



GREAT FIC!!! THANK YOU!! Marie

[JustNicks]

I have two words to say to you



more please!





This is brilliant!



Simply brilliant!



ok so I have more than two words...but I can't help it, this is simply superb!



just Nicks

[Marilda]

Wow. This is amazing. I feel like getting up and dancing around the room, this is so good.



Would it be too much to ask for you to chain yourself up to the desk and write updates ad infinitum?

[Lovers4ever]

I can’t thank you feedback providers enough for taking the time to give me your thoughts.



Grimlock72 - I’m glad you enjoyed the Willow dialogue. I always felt it was the small asides that most clearly defined her character. I’ll try to keep the update lengths to your liking. Your insight into Tara’s plight is astounding. Believe me, Tara’s horrible experiences will not just go “poof” and disappear.



good2cats - Thank you for the supportive words. It was difficult to come up with an angle that hadn’t already been explored thoroughly in another fanfic.



WiccanSpud - It was intense, wasn’t it? But it’s an intense situation. Please remember to breath when reading the next update. So glad you found the dialogue believable. I respect the characters too much to approach the dialogue casually. (p.s.: Your avatar is more than a little disturbing. Kind of reminds me of my mother-in-law)



Washi - Glad you like the story’s intensity. You’ll find another update below.



JulesP600 - I worked hard to be true to the characters. Thanks for noticing!



Sabina - Thanks for the Update Thread suggestion and kind words about my story.



allykat - You didn’t know what to say, but you said a lot!



TKOLove - You can hug and yell at me in equal measure - I can take it. I‘m glad the story elicits strong reactions.



willowsgirl - I’m glad you feel I was true to the characters. There’s no smut, per se, in this story but the intimate moments will get progressively “hotter” over time.



cinderlust - Don’t worry, Willow and Tara will meet eventually. Glad you enjoyed the chapter. Things will get just a little bit darker before they get lighter. Hang in there.



amberfan87 - Excellent news on all the finished school business! Thanks for the encouraging words. More angst on the way!



screeminguitar - Isn’t fiction awesome!! We can mold it any which way we want and I wanted to change the real version like crazy. And I did! Glad you’re liking it. There’s a tad more heartache in store, but it gets better. I promise.



JustNicks - Thanks for your few, but powerful, words.



Marilda - My story made you dance? I’m honored. No chains needed for the next update, at least. You’ll find it below.

[Marilda]

Oh this is sooo good! I just hit my girlfriend on the shoulder (lightly, playfully even) and commented to her that this was soo good!



Come on, chain yourself to your desk! It's a great idea. And it doesn't have to be forever, only until you finish writing the fic.



Okay, okay, patience is a virtue, and I'm not going to ask when the....oh, what the heck, when's the next update?!?

[When You Were Mine]

Excellent update, i love this fic. Its quite sad though, but in a good way.. kind of. It made me cry, well not cry cry, but i was quite teary. Anyway, i can't wait for more!



JFK

[Lovers4ever]

Unparalleled Love

Author : Lovers4Ever

Feedback: If you're so inclined.

Distribution: Just let me know first.

Spoilers: This story takes place shortly after the conclusion of the last season of BtVS, season 7. There’s an ever so slight crossover with Angel.

Rating: R

Pairing: W/T

Disclaimer: I make no money off of these characters; but if I did, I would invest in a time machine and force ME to undo the damage wrought by the pinheads in charge.

Summary: This is a highly angsty story of reunion and healing. It starts a few months after the last season of Buffy. There’s a lot of emotional bloodletting, as it were, but there will be warm fuzzies in the end. Really. Also, there’s a slight diversion from canon: for purposes of this story (and my own psyche.)



As mentioned previously, this story comes with TKOLove's seal of approval, and I wouldn't have it any other way.





Unparalleled Love

Chapter Four



The recovery room where Tara was convalescing was located in a hotel a few blocks from Angel’s offices. A doctor leased the whole floor. This doctor was discreet. He didn’t ask many, if any, questions about attacks from demons, which is why Angel had Tara taken there after she was rescued.



Willow was on the roof of this same hotel when Xander and Dawn found her. She was leaning on the chest-high wall, looking out at the city, gathering no more enjoyment from the sunset than Tara or Buffy were on the first floor.



Dawn wanted to go to Tara’s room first thing when she and Xander hit town. It took considerable coaxing on Xander’s part to convince Dawn that they should speak to Willow first. Xander didn’t say so to Dawn, but he didn’t think anyone should go near Tara. She was, after all, from another dimension. She could be booby-trapped. And what about the mental toxic waste he’d have to help clean up when Tara eventually returned to wherever it was she came from? He involuntarily shuddered at the thought of Willow going over the edge again from losing Tara not once but twice. Xander was more than a little relieved to find that Willow was not with Tara when they found her.



“Why aren’t you with her?!?” Dawn demanded of Willow after they broke from their rooftop group hug.



“It’s complicated, Dawnie,” was all Willow could say.



It didn’t seem complicated at all to Dawn. A lonely and injured Tara was somewhere in this building. She needed her family. She most definitely needed her soul mate, even if she wasn’t really her soul mate. But mostly, the teenager just needed to see a real, live Tara, and work to supplant the last images she had of her close friend. Dawn’s final day with Tara was horrific. She spent the afternoon in a room with Tara’s lifeless body, afraid to leave her alone while everyone else worked to stop Willow from killing Warren and destroying herself. Dawn’s teen years were dotted with similar, cataclysmic episodes, and yet she bounced back and believed in the power of love and family over everything. She was inspiring, if not a little insistent.



“What if Tara goes back without the rest of us seeing her? Maybe we can help her somehow. We can’t just sit around and do nothing.”



Willow’s thoughts were more aligned with Dawn’s than she’d like to admit. “We have to wait and see what this Tara wants. We can’t just go around acting like she’s our Tara and everything will be okay. She was yanked out of her world just after seeing her girlfriend killed by a demon. Every one of us is dead to her. In her parallel world, we were all destroyed. She doesn’t know us, not really. We can’t waltz in there singing a happy tune, la-la-la-la, one big happy family.” Then, looking at the last traces of the sunset, Willow added, “Chances are we’ll only remind her of death.”



Willow didn’t want to argue anymore. She’d spent most of the afternoon arguing with herself. They all leaned against the wall of the rooftop’s ledge, shoulders touching, internally revisiting the chasm left in their lives since Tara was murdered.



**



Willow, Dawn and Xander were just getting ready to head toward the suite they booked in the hotel when Buffy came through the rooftop door. She looked haggard and held onto the group hug for a good long while. She recounted her visit with Tara while the rest of the gang remained solemn, sometimes sniffling back tears. Dawn railed against the injustice of it all and Xander just racked his brain for any sensible solution to this situation. Willow felt relief that this Tara knew all the details of Tara’s murder in this dimension, including Willow’s plummet into despair and dark magic. She had told her Tara about it hundreds of times in her own mind and when she visited her grave. Willow imagined every response imaginable ranging from Tara shrinking away in revulsion to Tara gracing her with forgiveness and understanding.



“She doesn’t hate me?” Willow asked disbelievingly.



“No, Will,” Buffy replied. “She said she could never hate you. She knows everything and can deal. Her Willow came close to doing the same stuff when Warren killed me. I mean when the other Buffy died. I’m having trouble keeping this all straight in my head.”



“It’s like that multi-level chess game they play on Star Trek,” Xander offered.



Grabbing Xander’s arm with relief, Willow exclaimed, “She doesn’t hate me!” Willow felt like she’d been painted from head to toe in absolution.



“Will,” Buffy said, “I think she needs to talk to you. You’re the one person here who can relate to what she’s feeling.” Then, remembering that Xander lost his ex-lover, Anya, recently, she said, “Xander…“



“It’s okay, Buff,” he quickly assured her. “What Anya and I had was worlds away from what Willow and Tara had. I know that.”



They all looked expectantly at Willow who had her arms at her sides, her hands clasping and unclasping the ends of her long-sleeved blouse. Her euphoria had been quickly replaced with trepidation.



“What? I’m not so sure I’m strong enough to do this. So, she wants to talk to me –“



“No, Willow. I didn’t say she wants to talk to you. I said she needs to talk to someone who can commiserate. Also, she doesn’t know what Willow would want her to do. She can’t go back. Angel says it’s impossible now.” Buffy looked at them all for a reaction to her last statement.



Xander had been holding back from offering any opinions. Willow picked up on this. She looked up into the soulful eye of her best friend and asked, “What should I do? Xander, what should I do?”



“Just be there for her, Will. Don’t turn on the charm. Don’t pretend to have any answers. Just give her what she needs, even if it’s nothing.”



“She doesn’t hate me. She doesn’t hate me. She doesn’t hate me.” Willow mumbled as she made her way to the rooftop door.



**



Trying to buy some time and formulate a game plan, Willow bypassed the elevator and took the stairs to the bottom floor. This was probably a bad idea, she thought. Tara and I have a lot of history with staircases. Willow first remembered Tara helping her down the dorm stairway to escape the Gentlemen. That was the start of everything.



Six floors later and Willow remembered it was in a stairway that she confessed to Tara her fear of ponies.



Two more floors descended and Willow remembered all the times they climbed up the stairs in the Bronze, hand in hand. Sometimes they were searching for a dark spot in the corner to sneak a kiss.



They stole hundreds of kisses in stairways, especially in the dorm.



Bronze. Kisses. Drinking. Willow paused on the landing before Tara's floor as a strong memory of another time and another stairway experience with Tara came back to her. She had to lean her face against the cold wall of the stairwell in an effort to slow the flush she could feel spreading across her features.



They had come back from a night at the Bronze. The two of them had been dancing and drinking with the other Scoobies. Both were quite tipsy as they meandered up the dorm stairway heading toward Tara’s room. They snuck a kiss midway. It was almost a tradition by now. But, instead of the usual quick meshing of lips, Willow pulled Tara close and the kiss escalated. They knew they could be caught by another student, but this passion was red hot and unstoppable. One kiss soon became a grope and grind fest. They were only half a floor away from privacy, but neither of them cared. The need for release would not be denied. In her rush to reach under Tara's skirt and stroke her to climax, Willow ripped Tara’s panties. The whole experience was exhilarating and completely uncharacteristic for the two lovers. Tara remembered the panties the next morning, in a hangover-induced haze, but the errant undies were never found. She must have left them in the stairway landing. They laughed for weeks about the probability of some pervert out there enjoying Tara’s ripped undergarments.



When her breathing and face color returned to normal, Willow finished the last few steps of her descent and headed down the hall toward Tara’s room.

--



Tara’s room had grown darker still. The sun had long since set and only the street lights provide illumination through the window. Tara sat in a big armchair, facing the window with her back to the door.



Willow eased into the room, pausing for a moment while her eyes adjusted to the dark. Her eyes caught the silhouette of her dead lover – or the spitting image of her dead lover – sitting in the chair.



“Tara?”



“You can come in, if that’s what you’re wondering,” Tara offered. “J-Just don’t talk, okay? Your voice...I know you don’t mean to, but you...it...m-mocks me.”



“’kay. No talkage.”



Willow sat down in a chair behind and to the side of Tara. She could just make out Tara’s profile. The room was filled with shadows and silence.



Not sure why she’d come, Willow’s mind started to fidget. “I’m not helping her by just sitting here,” Willow thought. Tara’s beautiful profile stunned Willow at first. Is this Tara more beautiful than my Tara or is my memory flawed? I’ve studied that profile from every angle. I’ve studied it with my eyes, my fingers and my lips. But not this profile. I’ve never met this person before. Willow couldn’t get her mind around the fact that she’d never met or touched this woman before. I can feel her. Even if I didn’t know she was in this room, I would know she was nearby. And I can feel the pain. This is hurting her. I’m hurting her.



“Do you want me to leave?”



“No.” Tara’s sobs conflicted with her answer. “This is so hard.”



“What can I do? I’ll do anything you ask.” Willow was anguished at her inability to be of any comfort to Tara, this Tara.



“Just let me get used to being in the same room with you. My brain’s about to explode under the stress of holding two opposing thoughts up here,” Tara said as she pointed to her head. “You’re dead, yet you’re here.”



“There’s a lot of that going around. Sorry, shutting up now.”



This was Tara. Willow couldn’t shake the unreality of this situation. She was sitting in a room with Tara. The voice was identical. Her sobs turned Willow to jelly, just as they did when her Tara cried. But no, her Tara was dead. She couldn’t presume anything with this woman.



“I don’t know what she would want me to do. I feel so lost.” Tara cried. She remained facing the window, unable to look at this Willow.



“If...”



“Yes?” Tara pleaded, trying to accept the fact that this Willow should have some insight into what her Willow would want her to do.



Willow was trying to keep it together for this Tara. She felt like she owed any Tara that much. But she wasn’t being very successful. Tears welled and dropped on her cheeks and choked her voice. “If it were me, I know I would want you taken care of and loved by your family. And by ‘family’ I mean –“



“I know. I know w-who you mean.” Tara considered Willow’s perspective. Willow’s emotional state was playing havoc with Tara’s resolve; it was torturous just to listen to and not be affected by the presence of a woman who was a copy of her dead lover. “This is too h-hard. I never got to say good-bye. Did she even know what she meant to me?”



“She knew...I knew.”



Both surviving lovers sat for a long time in silence, softly weeping and suffering their own private grief. Neither woman knew how to console the other; neither was sure how to cross the line between stranger and soul mate. Tara finally found relief in sleep without dreams and Willow eased herself out of the room.



TBC

Edited by: Warduke at: 4/18/04 10:03 am

[TemperedCynic]

Word-of-mouth travels fast on the Kitten. I heard about this fic from Washi, and when I read the updates I saw many Pens writers dropping in to add their encouragement and praise. That is the highest praise I can imagine.



Damn, but this fic is flat-out amazing. I was hooked after two paragraphs. You will no doubt be pressed for updates, but take your time. Nothing good comes from rushing a good thing.



Tara and Willow are so brave and strong here. They have lost so much, but will not break under the pressure. That said, please make their journey together a gradual one. Angst is part of life and needs to be present here, yet moving past the pain and suffering is what makes humans great, in the long run. I look forward to seeing our girls move away from their personal hells with poise and courage and humor. Brilliant.

---

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen (1935 - )

[WiccanSpud]

Hiya!



No worries... i remembered to breathe throughout the update. Then I got to Tara and Willow sitting in the room... and I just couldn't breathe... You portray their pain and loneliness so well... I just wanna run in there and hug them (well, let's face it... I wanna hug them even if they were happy, but that's beside the point).



good job on this awesome fic...



-spud

[willowsgirl]

Wow, this really is an amazing story, such a great idea. Theres such a mix of images, from flashback, to present, to seeing their idea of family- I loved what you said about Dawn, I never really thought about it but she must be a strong person.

Same goes for the stairs thing, I never noticed before but thinking about it...so many of the canon W/t scenes were on stairs!! Strange.

The ending was just heart wrenching. How hard must it be to be sitting in the room with the one person you need to be with in the world, but be unable to go to her.

And so, Im sitting here patiently waiting for an update.

*taps fingers*

patiently.

of course.



stacey xx

[allykat]

This is so incredibly sad... Wonderful update!

Quote:

---

Your voice...I know you don’t mean to, but you...it...m-mocks me.”

---

This broke my heart just a little bit more..



I forgot to mention before (on the account of being blown away by your writing)that I love the flashbacks. Amazingly done.. Keep up the fantastic work.

[JustNicks]

STUNNING



*gets Thesaurus*



fantastic, fabulous, magnificent, brilliant, dazzling,

breathtaking, incredible, wonderful and absolutely marvellous



Yes these words accurately describe your fic



Amazing, I didn't use amazing but it's true, it's amazing



I can't wait for the next installment



just Nicks

[WillowPowered]

I'm liking this more and more.



Jill

~~~~~~~~

Willow - Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs did ya?



My Home Page | Amber Powered



“Bite me” - the general, all-purpose response suitable for all occasions.

[sabina]

Hey there



This was a great update



I like the pace of this story,the fact that you didn't have them running away together toward the sunset and living happily ever after after meeting each other.



It is a heart wrenching situation for both of them and you're writing it beautifully.



I'll be anxiously waiting for more

---

"I know I was born and I know that I'll die.

The in between is mine.

I am mine!" - Pearl Jam

[Arwen276]

Amazing work! and beautifully written.

The pain they share is unbearable and the whole situation is extremely sad.

I like it! not the angst but the whole thing!



MORE PLEASE!



~Arwen

Hear That Baby? You're My Always... Willow

[Grimlock72]

That's so sad... . Sure, Willow would do anything to help this Tara.. question is what would help her ??? She some much horrific things to come to terms with, would Willow being around help her or hurt her even more? (as Willow thought already)



Both Willow and Tara have different memories of each other no doubt. Later on they'll be able to comfort and help each other along, it's the inital phase which is so damned hard. Which is why I liked the final paragraph a lot.



Xander's motivations regarding Tara leave something to be desired. Still can't fault him too much for such thoughts, he didn't have an exactly fun time at the hill with blacky-willow. Speaking of which, I think could hate Willow her that as much as she hates herself. Willow has never been much the self-forgiveness and letting go of bad things.



I hope Tara sleeps long and indeed without dreams or nightmares, rest helps in situations like these.



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine