The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2002 9:23 pm 
Title: Hands

Author: Ruby

Rating: NC-17

Spoilers: Set post-S5

Disclaimer: Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc. etc.

Notes: Written Summer 2001, before the S6 goodness & badness. Never posted before because it’s my first fic. Thanks to Tulipp for giving me the necessary nudge.

Distribution: Pens only for now.

Pairing: W/T

Feedback: Oh, yes.





I.



This is too hard. I just want to go home.



Willow chastised herself for even thinking such a thing, when the gang needed her so much. Ever since she’d taken charge at the gas station in the desert, issuing confident orders like Buffy always had, the group looked at her differently. It wasn’t just respect in their eyes—she’d always had that. It was beseeching. Questioning. Trepidation. They wanted her to give them directions, to tell them how to live without Buffy.



Buffy.



How had she managed the responsibility of being the Slayer, of standing alone between her friends’ lives and pure evil? Even after five years, there was no way they could understand what she went through to protect them. Hell, Willow had only been the de facto leader of the Scoobs for three days and already she was at the end of her rope. They’d been mourning, attending to logistics, and covering nightly patrols all at once. It was too much. She looked up and prepared to speak.



Willow, Tara, Dawn, Giles, Xander, Anya, and Spike were circled around the Summers’ dining room table. It felt strangely unlike a Scooby meeting and more like a family council. They were gathered to discuss some big decisions, and no one wanted to begin. So Willow took charge. Again.



“Buffy. She’s the reason we’re here. We love each other, but she’s what brought us together. As a family.” She directed a faint smile at Giles, who returned it in a way that gave her courage. “So we have to remember what she stood for. We have to continue her fight. And we have to take care of her the way she would have wanted.” Willow placed her palms flat on the table and drew a long breath.



“Now, we’ve all been staying here at the house for the past few days, and we’ve needed that. But it’s time to figure out how to deal with regular life again. And that brings up a lot of questions. First, everyone’s injuries. Tara and I have been working on a spell that accelerates healing, and we think we’ve juiced it up enough to take care of everyone tonight. We tried it on her hand and it seems to work OK.”



Tara held up her hand and wiggled her fingers. “Good as new.”



“So we won’t have to worry about Dawn’s cuts, Anya’s concussion, or Giles’ spear wound any more. Now, the next major thing is….This is…hard to talk about. Giles is going to explain some stuff.”



He straightened and cleared his throat. “Yes, well. As you know, I helped Buffy with the legal arrangements after Joyce’s death. It was very difficult, but necessary, and we had a number of discussions about…the future. When Buffy attended to her mother’s will, she also wrote her own, and made me the executor. I intend to follow her wishes as closely as possible.”



“Wait a minute,” Xander interrupted. “Are you telling me that Buffy was planning to die? Did she know that this was going to happen?”



“I don’t think it was prescience, so much as common sense,” Giles replied. “Buffy knew, as did we all, that her life was in danger every day. She inherited a great deal of assets with Joyce’s passing, and she wanted to be certain to provide for Dawn in an event such as this.”



Willow looked over at Dawn to see how the girl was taking the conversation. She seemed remarkably poised, as if she wore Buffy’s own mantle of self-assurance. Sometimes it wasn’t so hard to believe she was an incredibly ancient intelligence as well as a fourteen year-old.



Actually, we’re all dealing with this surprisingly well, the redhead thought. Maybe we’re all cried out for now. Or, more likely, it still hasn’t sunk in all the way.



Giles continued. “Buffy asked me to assume guardianship of Dawn, which we two have already discussed. Ownership of the house and everything else is to be placed in a trust that Dawn will receive when she is of age.”



“Are you going to live here?” Anya asked. “That seems a little weird.”



“I want him to,” Dawn said simply. “We all know my dad’s not coming back, so Giles is the closest thing I have to a parent. Plus, he’ll always make me do my homework. Right?”



“Indeed,” said Giles. “Dawn also has a lot of other work ahead of her. She must learn how to access and control the power she possesses as the Key, and I can be of some help with the discipline that requires, as well.” He paused. “Now…for the matter of Buffy’s body. You should know that it’s in Los Angeles.”



“Body? What?! Who’s in bloody Los Angeles?” Spike sputtered. “We buried her!”



“Buffy wanted a memorial in Sunnydale, but she entrusted care of her—remains—to Angel. It’s between them. That’s how she wanted it, Spike.”



Willow was the only Scooby who had known that Buffy’s funeral was a ritual, nothing more. The headstone marked only their memories. She searched the others for signs of distress, but they all seemed to accept Buffy’s decision.



“Finally,” Willow announced, “I’m sure you’ve been wondering if a new Slayer was called. Giles has been in touch with the Watchers’ Council, and they have no word so far. That’s very unusual. We don’t know whether to expect a Slayer to come forth, or if Faith is supposed to resume her previous duties, or what.”



Xander protested, “But Faith’s in jail! She’s a criminal!”



“Exactly. So for now, as far as we know, there is no functioning Slayer. Which means we have to keep patrolling and try to keep the vamp population under control. We do Buffy’s work. Understood?”



There was silence as the full weight of the task hit them.



Willow felt exhaustion creeping in behind her eyelids. “All right, I think that’s enough for one day. Let’s get everyone fixed up. We’ll talk tomorrow at the magic shop. Right now we all need to get home and spend a night in our own beds.”



“Amen to that!” said Anya, standing up.



For once, none of them rolled their eyes.





II.



During most of the walk back to Stevenson Hall, Willow was adrift in thoughts and memories. As elated as she was to be back with Tara, she wasn’t sure she could bend to fit around the void in her heart that was blasted open by Buffy’s death. Or if she wanted to. She’d loved Buffy in ways she was just beginning to understand, and there was no time to rest and sort through all those feelings. Plus, she was worried about school, and Dawn, and her friendships, and then there was the waning half-life of that stupid fight about witchcraft and her sexuality that she’d had with Tara…



And, oh yeah—vampires, demons, and monsters.



Willow had spent most of the afternoon in Buffy’s bedroom, trying to absorb her best friend’s essence. It was difficult: for someone so vital, whose life was so inextricably linked with her own, Buffy left surprisingly little behind. No journal; a few photographs of her mom, Dawn, and the scoobies in happy times; some books. A bundle of letters from Angel, which Willow refrained from reading. Riley’s green sweater. A crucifix on a long chain. Mr. Pointy. And the one thing that had shocked her utterly: a bracelet, a thick silver cuff, with a message engraved inside: “ B. It’s our destiny. The Chosen Two. I love you—whatever happens. Faith.” It was on the nightstand, never worn but wrapped gingerly in a black silk scarf. It nearly made Willow disintegrate when she’d opened it.



Buffy had three unfathomable, soul-shattering loves, and she lost them all. Her few personal effects revealed the scope of her life: the struggle between hardness and emotion, duty and love, the arcane and the prosaic. No ambitions or plans for the future, because she could imagine no future. A hero’s lonely existence. Willow felt angry for not seeing it sooner.



If she could have even five more minutes, Willow would bury herself in Buffy’s hair, smell the nape of her neck and embrace her tightly muscled frame. She’d say, “You are never alone.” She’d say, “You will always be beautiful to me.” She’d say, “You and I will grow old together.” It would be enough to communicate how intricate and yet utterly straightforward her love was for her best friend. But Buffy was dead, and she’d never tell her those things. Willow could only hope that she knew them anyway.



Tara felt Willow start as she gave her hand a little squeeze. “Darling, you’re shaking. What’s going on in there?”



“Just missing Buffy. It’s hard to be brave, you know?”



“I do. But I also know you’re strong.”



The smaller wiccan smiled sadly. “Strong like an Amazon, right?”



“Right.”



They walked through the cool evening in companionable silence for a few minutes before Tara spoke again.



“Willow, when I was…gone. What was it like?”



“Well, you know the gist of what happened. Finding you in the park. How Glory came after us, and we tried to run away. Limping back home. The spell that helped gather your mind inside Glory’s and bring you back. The general awfulness of it all.”



“No, I mean—us. What was it like?”



“Oh. Um…hey, look! We’re home! Willow pulled out her keys and opened the door to the dorm room. Just being back in their space was an immense relief. As she crossed to sit on the bed and began removing her boots, she tried to answer Tara’s question, knowing as she did that honesty would be painful.



“You were…a child. Helpless, like a baby. But you talked. Nonsense, mostly. Sometimes you got agitated and cried. A few times…you hit me. You…just weren’t with us.” She looked up at Tara apologetically. This couldn’t be easy to hear.



“What did you do?”



“You needed help eating and…going to the bathroom and stuff. So I took care of you the best I could. At the hospital they told me to sedate you, but I tried to avoid that. Mostly I just held on and tried to make you feel safe, especially at night. Nights were rough.”



Tara sat on the bed and took Willow’s hands in her own. “Thank you. For everything. I owe you my life in so many ways. And I love you with everything inside of me.”



I love you, too. No more stupid fights, OK?”



“You got it.”



The two women got ready for bed, lit some candles around the room, and turned off the lights. They lay side by side on top of the bedcovers, just happy to be talking again, safe in their room. A twinge of awkwardness remained, but they both sensed it and tried to will it away.



“About that argument. From the first time I met you, Willow, I saw the untapped power inside. You had potential as a wiccan you weren’t even aware of yet. A kind of instinctive genius for it. That’s what drew me to you. Well, that and your unassuming good looks.” Tara smiled as her girlfriend poked her in the ribs. “So please know that your abilities don’t frighten me. I’m proud. And grateful.”



Willow considered. “They frighten me sometimes. I feel like one of those sped-up films of a plant shooting out of the ground—that’s how fast I’m growing. I’ve barely got it under control. The only thing that focuses me is you.” She thought back to the first time they had clasped hands to move the soda machine, and Tara’s cool, quiet might had poured into her entire body. Transformed her in an instant. “I need you.”



“We need each other.” Tara reached over and trailed her fingers through Willow’s hair, thrilled to reaffirm their love. If only she could suspend this moment forever and not think about anything else—





III.



But Willow turned to her, propping herself on an elbow and gazing with a serious expression. “Tara? What was it like in there? What do you remember? I know you haven’t wanted to talk about it, but I have to understand what you went through. Can you tell me?”



Tara sighed heavily. “It…it kept changing. Right before Glory brainsucked me she said I would feel trapped and alone, with bugs under my skin and in my brain. And that was part of it, but…the moment I felt her enter my mind, she sensed that there were so many other things that frightened me more: being abandoned, being a freak, being forced to do humiliating things. Dehumanizing things.” There was a long silence as Tara contemplated the enormity of what she was about to tell Willow. “And so as I felt the spells, my memories, the proud parts of me that I like—my self—slipping away, she took the worst parts of my mind and cranked them up to ten. Every nightmare I ever h—th-they were happening all at once.” Tara shuddered and swallowed a sob.



Willow pulled her closer and placed a kiss on her lover’s flawless cheek. “Honey, I’m sorry. Maybe this is a bad idea. We should talk about something else…or maybe stop talking, or…” She faltered. “You want to do a serenity spell? Help us sleep?”



“N-no, I think I need to tell you. The past few days have been so busy, and we’ve all been trying to make each other feel better, looking after Dawn, and—taking care of B-Buffy—” The two women tensed as the thousandth wave of grief crashed through them in unison. “—the focus hasn’t been on me, and that’s only right. But I can’t go on much longer with these scenes playing behind my eyes. I have to tell someone. You. Willow, I was so bad. Dirty. No one has made me feel that way in so long. I hated myself.”



Willow was frightened. She searched the blonde’s face in the candlelight for some solace, but got only a flinty, self-loathing stare. Tara’s mind was back in that place and there was nothing either witch could do. Then the candle flickered and in an instant the chill was gone. “Holy sh-…Tara, what did she do to you?”



“At first it was all so real that I didn’t realize that anything was wrong. I was me, but—a few years ago, in high school, right after my mother died. I was living with my brothers and my father, and they knew I was…having thoughts. I tried to act normal, but they knew.”



“Thoughts? Having thoughts is good, right? I mean, in some parts of the country it’s considered good.” Willow flashed a slight grin, trying to break through the tide of despair that seemed to be tumbling out of Tara.



“Not these thoughts. My father called me a pervert, a sinner. My brother said I just wanted girls because I was too ugly to get a guy. He made sure I was a pariah at school. The n-n-names…” Tara took a deep breath. “And this was before I was even sure myself. All I knew was that I was having the most troubling, evocative, sensual dreams, and I couldn’t admit what they meant. So I wrote them in my journal, and, well…big mistake. My father found it under my bed with my mother’s witchcraft books. He made me feel so filthy, but I just couldn’t argue! He said there was a demon inside me and it had to be punished. I believed him.”



Willow’s insides curdled as she imagined her beloved berated day after day. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. You had no one to talk to. I wish I could go back in time and tell you it would all get better in college. That you’d meet people who think you’re amazing and talented and so, so beautiful.” It was at least the hundredth time she’d voiced this sentiment since they’d met. Tara’s ordeal made Willow almost grateful for the geekdom and borderline neglect she’d endured.



“That’s just it. In Glory’s version, I never went to college. I stayed at home, working for my father. Still an outcast—no friends. Finally I started dating a guy, and we g-got m-married. I did it just to get away from home. Another big mistake.”



Willow’s eyes went wide. “Married!? But you were only gone for a few days!”



“It felt like it unfolded over years. Everything I was afraid of becoming—it was my life. And my dreams never stopped—only, eventually they all focused on the same sweet, redheaded witch. She was all that I couldn’t have. In the dreams, she loved me. And those were the only times I wasn’t climbing the walls.”



“Me,” Willow whispered. “Some part of you remembered.” She felt awe at the power of Tara’s mind, to find a way to resist a god.



Tara’s eyes clouded, and for a moment she seemed to shrink. “Yes. You were there. But my husband heard me talking in my sleep, and after that, it was so much worse. He…h-he hurt me. It wasn’t real—can anyone’s darkest fears be real?—but it s-seemed that way. And after a while I welcomed the bugs and claustrophobia, because they blocked out everything else.” She decided not to tell her any more details. Not now. Maybe not ever. Why add to Willow’s burden of sorrow?



“You said they held you down,” Willow murmured, her eyes welling up. “When we were in the magic shop, you said they held you. I didn’t know what you meant. Oh, Goddess, Tara, I didn’t know!”



“But you did help. You were always in my dreams, and you represented a life I desperately wanted. I just didn’t realize that it was my own memories seeping through Glory’s mojo.”



“How did you hang on? What did you do?”



Tara tried to come up with the words to explain. “In the first few seconds Glory…took me, even before it was over, I held onto the pain in my hand. It was so tangible, real. I couldn’t look at it, but I knew the bones were broken and I could feel the blood running down. It sounds horrible, but it reminded me of my body. My reality.” She smiled ruefully, recalling the mixture of physical agony and gratitude that flooded her in that moment. “All of a sudden I had this spark of understanding. I felt blessed that I had strong hands to use—to work, and eat, and dance, and write, and…to touch you.” She looked up, and Willow was stunned by the intensity of the ardor and lust radiating from Tara’s eyes. “Every time we made love, every time my hands were inside of you, everyplace I ever touched you still lives in my hands. That’s the only way I can describe it.” She paused. “The curve of your breasts, the tangle of your hair, the hot slickness of your—



“Tara!” Willow was blushing in the dark.



“—Willow, Glory tried to take that knowledge away from me, but she couldn’t take it all. I wouldn’t let go. And then I felt you nearby, coming for me, and all the fear fell away.” Tara ran her hand thoughtfully down her lover’s thigh. “In that moment I knew you would find me, however she left me, and that you’d take care of me. And that’s what I clung to as I went under.”



Willow shook with anger at the realization. “That Hellgod bitch…she knew everything. She knew me. Us. Our most sacred thing…that energy. And she used it as a snack.” She got up off the bed and paced back and forth, recalling the beating she’d taken at Glory’s hands. “She took your mind! She broke your body! How can you be so calm?!”



“Shh…honey. I’m telling you, it’s what saved me. Because I kept the one thing Glory couldn’t have. She was jealous, not being able to have a body of her own. It made her feel weak. It made me certain we could beat her.”



“But the harm she did to you! The way I found you that day—I just can’t—” The redhead finally relented as Tara’s gentle, powerful, elegant hands pulled her back down on the bed, wandering around her hips and up her waist. Her rage dissipated as Tara eased her down, matching it with a passion just as intense, kissing her lips, neck, throat. Willow sensed the sexual need building, rising to the surface of her skin after being pushed down for so long. Her lover drew it out expertly, with deliberate care, and Willow marveled that even after all the torment she had been through, Tara was healing her.



Could she really have wondered if their intimacy would change? Had she honestly felt shy around Tara after bathing her, dressing her, feeding her? If anything, the experience had made Willow more certain of her own devotion to the woman, but she’d been so careful not to touch Tara when she wasn’t capable of giving consent, or of understanding….She hadn’t been sure she’d be able to look at Tara again that way, in the wordless, clenching, blood-pumping, moaning, totally exposed way, after having forced her feelings into something exclusively chaste. But here Tara was, slipping off their nightclothes and stretching the length of her naked body across Willow’s, purposeful and firm. It was more than the wiccan had ever dared hope for again, and it was the most right thing in the world.





IV.



Tara pulled herself taut against her lover’s lithe frame. Exhilarated, energized, she began to realize how much Glory’s attack had left her fundamentally changed. After falling into the abyss of despair and then being brought back—by this potent, brave woman lying vulnerably beneath her—Tara decided she would never cower again, never shrink out of fear from what she wanted. The one time she had faced her inner terrors and grabbed a chance at happiness, Willow rewarded her beyond her wildest hopes. So, no more hesitating. Ever. There was no time.



Positioning herself directly over Willow, Tara forcefully pulled her wrists up over their heads, locking hands and interlacing their fingers. Her nipples brushed lightly against Willow’s pale skin, filling them both with quivering anticipation. She bent her head slightly to look determinedly into the redhead’s deep green eyes glinting in the candlelight.



“Darling,” she whispered. “You have to understand. It’s all over now, because I’m home. This is my home.” Before Willow could respond, Tara leaned in further and kissed her open mouth, tracing her tongue lightly along the smaller wiccan’s before drawing it between her impossibly full lips, kissing hungrily. She pushed her hips harder against her lover, scissoring her legs and sliding a thigh between Willow’s, thrusting and probing gently until their clits touched. Her swiftness, while not exactly rough, was insistent—it usually took them a lot longer to build up to this point. Willow responded the only way she could: when the connection was made, she surged up with the force of the electric circuit they completed, her back arching in a tremor of joy, but Tara kept her body pinned under her own, braced by a pair of strong hands. The current between them felt astounding, supernatural. Tara moved her hips infinitesimally forward, pushing harder against Willow’s clit, and as she did she felt it jump under her own, connecting to thousands of nerve endings all over her body and making her breath come in jagged bursts.



“Ohh. Ahh...oh my Goddess, Tara! Yes!”



The first orgasm took them completely by surprise, coming simultaneously in a burst that flooded them both with unprecedented pleasure. The two women stopped kissing to moan in unison, their bodies still gripped in a perfect circle. Slowly, as the bliss rippled outward and the breeze from the window began to cool their glistening bodies, their breathing returned to normal and Willow started to babble.



“I can’t believe you did that, Tara, I mean—wow! It was almost instantaneous. You looking at me like that is always such a turn-on, and the way you pushed against me was so hot and I missed you so much and I was scared, so scared, but then the second you touched me I felt it go through us and—unnnnnnhTaraaaah!”



Without hesitation, Tara had flashed a smoldering sideways grin, released one hand, and pulled it down between Willow’s legs, easily sliding three fingers into her wet core, pausing to enjoy the familiar heat and pressure of the muscles around her hand.



“Home.”



“More! Please, don’t stop!”



Tara drew her fingers out of Willow, then thrust back in with a fourth, slowly at first, then quickening with the wiccan’s panting cries.



“Harder! It feels so fucking good, don’t ever stop, holy goddess your fingers are fucking magic. Harder, please!” Willow’s eyes were closed and her head was thrown back helplessly as she pumped her hips against the blonde’s gifted hand, talking the whole time.



Not bothering to suppress a little laugh, Tara angled her hand inside Willow to hit her g-spot. Sometimes babble mode could get a little nasty, but all things considered, it was a good sign when the conscientious witch forgot her manners. Willow’s muscles contracted fiercely as Tara’s able fingers connected with the spot and their tips drummed gently against it. At the precipice of a second orgasm, Willow felt Tara rub her thumb up against her clit and thrust one last time, and she came again with a gasping, inarticulate cry.



Tara gently began to remove her drenched fingers from Willow’s cunt, covering her face and neck with tiny kisses as she did so. Willow turned to plead into her lover’s ear.



“No. Keep it there. I want you inside me.”



The words sent a swell of contentment through Tara, and she stilled her hand.



“Yours. Always.”



The women lay silently for several minutes, lost in their thoughts and shared feelings. Willow contemplated Tara’s assertive lovemaking, the eloquent assurance of the hand that had been mangled and broken so recently before, now curled peaceful and whole within her. At first she hadn’t been sure that giving in to the raw, visceral need for sex was the right thing to do—after all, she had been consumed with grief and worry, and those fears were still there, tugging at the back of her mind. But then, she reflected, Tara helped her to see that sex was a celebration of being alive, of finding each other, of honoring their survival and the gift of another day together. She savored that knowledge, knowing as she did that it was drawn from Tara’s immense suffering. Tears formed in her eyes as she resolved never to take any of it for granted: her heart, her body, her memory, her power. Facing her lover, she spoke in a choked tone.



“Tara, I—” Her voice cracked and she began to weep. Wonder, thanks, mourning, ache, devotion coursed from her petite body.



“Shh. Baby, I know. I heard your thoughts.” She tenderly removed her hand from where it had been resting and pulled Willow into a close embrace.



“You did? How? I mean, we never did that before. Not spontaneously, anyway.”



“I don’t know. I think we just…joined souls.”



“And what I felt…is that what’s going through you?”



“Yes.”



“Wow.” Willow placed a lingering kiss on the blonde’s collarbone, sending fresh arousal streaming through both of them.



“Mm-hmm.”



“You are so precious. So…exquisite.” The redhead dried her tears and felt a rush of renewed lust. She traced her fingers lightly across Tara’s chest for several moments, moving down to circle the full breasts before cupping one in her hand, teasing the nipple until it was hard. “Tired?”



“Not anymore.”



In an impressive display of strength and grace, Willow flipped Tara onto her back and placed herself atop the blonde’s hips, fitting their bodies together perfectly.



“Good. Because I’m not, either.”



Tara’s hair splayed across the pillow behind her head in a honey-colored halo as she looked up expectantly at her lover, trust and desire beaming in her eyes.



“How can she do that?” Willow thought, staring ardently at her beloved. “Look so beatific and so…feral at the same time. She’s an angel, but a wicked one. I can’t imagine anyone more sexy. Goddess, I just have to…ravish her! Drink her, every drop—like a cool glass of water. I’ve been thirsty for so long…”



“I can still hear you, you know,” Tara interrupted with a mischievous smile. “So go ahead.”



That cut off Willow’s interior babble in a hurry. She bent down and parted her lips.





V.



“You’re perfect,” Willow whispered, placing light kisses on the temples that had been cruelly violated by Glory, now smooth and unscathed. She kissed Tara’s cheekbones, her jawline, the soft whiteness of her exposed neck. Tara moaned under Willow’s touch, and the redhead exulted in the vibrations of her lover’s throat, the voice that was no longer halting or frightened, only insistent and aroused. As she placed still more kisses on Tara’s lips, moving slowly to the hollow above her collarbone, down along her chest, Willow felt the room, the dorm, the entire world recede, until the only thing she knew was skin, breath, and heartbeat. She lay her head down gently between Tara’s full breasts and closed her eyes as the blonde knit her fingers into her short hair and held her close. This was truly home. As long as she could find her way back here, she would always find sanctuary.



Tara had guided Willow through sorrow to pulsing, breathtaking pleasure, and now she was determined to return it. She lifted her head, wrapping her lips around one nipple and then the other, sucking and tasting and teasing, before moving down to run her tongue along two of Tara’s most sensitive points, the impossibly lovely undersides of her breasts.



“Ohhhh yes! Yes!” Tara’s hands tightened her grip in Willow’s tresses as she flexed her chest toward her lover’s skillful tongue.



But Willow was already kissing her way down Tara’s magnificent stomach, delighting in the pure heat radiating off its surface. She worshiped every inch of velvety skin, pursuing a path of fiery yearning to the blonde curls between Tara’s parting thighs. Every sigh, every whimper of excitement Willow elicited gave her joy. It felt so thrilling to focus completely on Tara’s ecstasy—even if a corner of her mind kept running a million miles an hour, as usual. Except—this time she was aware of a particular clarity of thought. Making love to Tara was an epic, epiphanic event.



I love you, Tara. Our bond is the truest, most constant thing I know. It sustains me. Everything I have, everything I am is yours. Willow spread Tara’s legs wider and nestled herself between them, gazing at the beautiful sight of her lover’s ripe center, her lips wet and glistening in the warm candlelight. The prone, writhing woman groaned in yearning, and the sound seemed to reverberate all the way down Willow’s spine, setting off her own explosive need.



“Please, Willow—oh Goddess, please, now—” Tara’s hands gripped the slats of the bed’s headboard for support as she strained every muscle toward Willow’s mouth, which was resting so close to her cunt that she could feel every shallow, hungry breath stoking the fire deep within her.



“Tara.” Her voice deepened to a low growl as she leaned in closer. “This is now.” It was part of their private language, the rhythm of their sex: Willow, though a ravenous lover, grew slow and meditative when her senses were fully surrounded by Tara. Like few other people, Willow lived in her head, and when her head was here…well, she did some of her best thinking here. The mind-body problem had a solution.



I loved Buffy. Part of me was in love with Buffy—and always has been. My feelings for Oz were real. I’ll never stop hurting for him just a little. Xander will always be precious to me, familiar and sweet and kind. But if I’m honest with myself, Buffy was my first love. She helped me figure out who I am. She dared me to be brave, to trust my abilities. To own up to my desires. To become what she saw in me. It was frightening. Exhilarating.



Tara, loving her taught me how to love you. I can’t put it any other way. My heart was already so big with want and passion and unconditional friendship…I’d discovered what I wanted. Not Buffy, but another woman with power and intelligence equal to her beauty. Someone to whom I could give myself utterly, to love me whole and entire. And you were everything I’d been waiting for. With you, all the pieces of me fit together.




The amazing thing was, Tara got it. Or more accurately, she had always known, and Willow was just seeing it now. She savored every second of that realization as the joy of it filled her and made the grief recede. This perfect communication, this learning, was perhaps the most phenomenal part of their phenomenal lovemaking, and it filled her with euphoria, intensified by being shot through with Tara’s rapture as well. I always did love to learn…is this what they mean by the learning curve? Willow started to crack herself up, and her busy mouth held on for life as the giggles plunged her lover into moaning spasms of pleasure and release until they were both finally spent. She reached up with both hands and laced her fingers with Tara’s, and they remained there for a long time, laughing, exultant, alive.

Smashed. Wrecked. Gone.



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2002 10:06 pm 
Brilliant fic! I felt sooo sorry for Tara when she was explaining her ordeal with Glory and it was so cute when Willow started pacing cos she was so pissed off. Well I think everything Willow does is cute lol Are you thinking of writing any more?? Please let there be a big fat yes as an answer to that!



love Aly xxxx

You cannot have more catnip! You have a catnip problem!



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2002 10:08 pm 
This is wonderfully written!



It's one of the best ideas I've read about, the way Willow and Tara finally talk about what happens and they're brought closer to each other than ever before by this tragic event.



I don't know how else to put it, but thank you for posting! I hope to see some more.



Maybe the bugs just got sad ...



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2002 10:09 pm 
Great story:)



I liked how you had Tara explaining what happpened in her mind after Glory. Is there going to be more?? If not, this was still an astounding fic. It's tremendous.

-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."




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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2002 10:49 pm 
Yay, Ruby! I am so thrilled to see this here. I told you this before, but again...it's so nice to see Willow being purely herself in every situation. The "mind-body" connection here is so true. And I am so glad to see brain-sucked Tara (I think we decided just to call her BT, right?) being dealt with and discussed.



I also love W's realizations that although Tara has been hurt, it is Tara who heals. And Willow's reflections on what she would tell Buffy are so lovely.



I am going to nag you to do more writing! But for now, yay!



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 12:16 am 
Wow...I think I just found my new favorite short fic. Please write more?



Aim



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 12:26 am 
Well I'm thoroughly thankful that you posted this. Quite a read. There are some marvellous little images in this that I truly loved; the first was the bracelet from Faith. That was a lovely touch and so very brief, but Willow knew exactly what it meant.



I also really liked the fact that they talk so much; ask each other and themselves questions. That furthers their relationship in ways that you can't even begin to describe in terms of moving through stages. Your dialogue between them shows their inherent closeness and peace that they find only with one another. And it's a really comforting read, especially with Willow laughing at the end; I thought that was optimistic, given the beginning of the story.



Thanks so much for this. :)



Oh...and the sex was really hot.


----------
Squish. Squish. Squish.



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 2:23 am 
:grin What Ruth said !!!



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 Post subject: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 3:45 am 
This is an amazing fic. I loved it. It was so well written and showed there love and did I mention amazing yet? :) I hope you write some more stuff that I can read, You're an awsome writer. Much Love,

Lisa

This is our Last Embrace, Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"



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 Post subject: Re: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 4:54 am 
This was so great. There's so much to love: Willow thinking of Buffy, the mind/body thoughts, their conversation, I could go on and on. Thanks for posting this.

-----------------

Dawn: I gave birth to a pterodactyl.
Anya: Oh my god, did it sing?



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 Post subject: Re: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 6:56 am 
Great Fic!!!

A dream is a wish the heart makes.

Willow: "You had two eggs, sunny-side-up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs."

Tara: "Sassy Eggs."



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 Post subject: Re: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 8:10 pm 
Well...I have to say,you moved me to tears when you let me read this Fic...So glad you posted it,and so glad that I happened to come across it.Truly beautiful.



All the best...Emily

vive,valeque.



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 Post subject: Re: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 8:30 pm 
the only words I can say are *GASP* *FAINT* When I get my breath back, I might can give a coherent response.



T.


Love is tricky. It is never mundane or daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you out to sea then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the foundation for a certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you can never say no. It includes everyone."--Amy Tan "The Hundred Secret Senses"



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 Post subject: Re: Hands
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 9:24 pm 
That was great!!! Write more, please!!



~Joy



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 Post subject: feedback
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 11:26 pm 
hmmmm. Gotta love Tara hands.



Great fic, hope to see more soon.



tiyodragon



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 11:51 pm 
spectacular and moving in every single way



bravo

kathleen

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2002 11:57 pm 
Wonderful. I love stories that fill in the gaps between seasons. The interation between Willow and Tara (verbal and, uh, non-verbal) was fantastic.



Hope this is just the beginning.

------------------------------


"When someone falls for Willow, they stay fallen" - Normal Again



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2002 2:54 pm 
Wow, thanks to everyone for your positive comments. I wasn't sure if I should keep writing and...I think I will.



"Hands" was originally going to be part of a longer series, and then once S6 got underway, I sort of lost heart. So I think it will remain as a stand-alone. The reason I started writing in the first place was to come to terms with the events of "The Gift"--I just couldn't see a way back from it, and so many plot threads were left hanging: the fight, brainsucked Tara, and of course, Buffy.



The between-seasons story is very intriguing to me. But I don't see a way back from S6 at all. Won't even attempt that one, and I'm glad others are doing it with realism and grace. But for me the pain is still too raw. Lately I've been working on a S4 story, and that's fun because every gesture & touch between W/T is brand new, and there is only goodness.



So--now that I have reaffirmed my fetish for Tara's hands...

I have to say that getting a compliment from tommo on writing sex is like having the Iron Chef say he likes your cooking. It's a day-maker. Thanks too for all the detailed feedback. And Kathleen, your work is some of the first I ever read, and it inspired me. Thank you.



I hope to have another story up soon.

Smashed. Wrecked. Gone.



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2002 3:00 pm 
Ruby - I get exactly what you mean. I like how you're filling in post-S5. Kittens are so much better at filling in necessary details. Perhaps I am a bit biased. NOT!



Please continue. And I will anxiously await your Season 4 story as well! Thanks!



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2002 4:11 pm 
Ruby, I'm so glad to see that you are going to write more! As you know, I think that BT is such a rich and relatively untapped source of character-building. But I can go with fresh, new, season 4, too.



I do hope you come back to this eventually, though; there's so much to be done.



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2002 2:59 am 
Wow, great fic. It is really interesting how you have explored the Glory Ordeal deeper, liked your spin on it. Loved all the Willow and Tara interaction, it's just so cute how they are with each other ... Tara hearing Willow's thoughts was a nice touch, and souls joining ... yeah I always like that idea.



And I'll second Ruth, the sex was hot



Hope to see more soon :)



Blue



"She should have died hereafter: There would have been a time for such a word ...

...it is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

Shakespeare/Macbeth



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Sun Jun 30, 2002 10:02 am 
Our girls reunited. Wonderful. Your explanation of Willow's nervousness about being intimate with Tara again after being her caretaker while she was incapacitated was very astute.





And is this what they mean by the learning curve? Willow's babbling was fun.



Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: Hands
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2002 9:37 pm 
New to the archive!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oooh Xita!" - Amber Benson



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2004 8:23 pm 
you know, I've never left feedback for this remarkable fic because by the time I found it, Ruby, you were no longer posting on the Boards. But I've decided I don't care. and you left such wonderful, thoughtful feedback for my stories.



this is a beautiful piece of writing. and so brave. you handle this incredibly fragile, painful point in their relationship with perfect delicacy. and it's so well written. I mean this line alone
Quote:
The mind-body problem had a solution.


is just drop-dead gorgeous. and so totally and completely Willow. my Willow anyway :) so intelligent and thoughtful and...yeah. perfect characterization.



I don't leave feedback to smut, mainly because I'm such a shy dweeb who couldn't possibly admit to reading such things, but this isn't smut. yes, it's unbelievably sexy and hot, but you capture the essence of these characters and their relationship. the sex, no matter how hot and thud-worthy, is just another expression of their love and commitment to each other -- or as your Tara would put it, an affirmation.



and I also loved the touch of the bracelet from Faith. not to mention Willow's realization that she had always been in love with Buffy. in this fic, god (or goddess) is definitely in the details.



thank you for a beautiful fic. I hope you're still lurking around here somewhere. :)



xomel



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Tue Jul 20, 2004 1:36 am 
Mel,



Strange coincidence that you post just as I check the board for the first time in ages (I've been transferring bookmarks to my shiny new Mac). Thanks for your kind words. The way the show ended left me heartbroken, and I left the board because it simply hurt to be here. I vowed never to love a show that much again! But ever since, I have missed the community we created and sustained. It pleases me to see that it is still flourishing, albeit in a different form than I knew.



The experience of beta-ing tulipp's Terra Firma humbled me greatly and I wasn't able to write for a while. I can't tell you how proud I am that her work has become a high-water mark for fanfic. Then came the Sidestep Chronicle, and your stuff, and many others that left me in awe. If I continue, it will only be to keep my toe in your waters.



(Um... Ew.)



Anyway, thanks again. And thanks for your stories.

ruby





"Why did I have to be so veiny?" -- Alyson Hannigan



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2004 7:30 pm 
wow! see, magic does exist. :)



Quote:
If I continue, it will only be to keep my toe in your waters.




heh. your toe in my waters. not gonna go there. really.



it's interesting that you were Tulipp's beta for Terra Firma since that was the fic that inspired me to finally post what I considered to be a non-fanfic piece of fic (Tempus Fugit). I was sure it was too long and involved. Good to know you were a part of that whole process.



also, congratulations on your shiny new mac and I hope I'm the first to welcome you back. :)



xomel



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2004 9:43 pm 
ack! ezboard won't let me edit that post so I'll just add here:



I hope this means you're going to write more stories, because I'd love to read them.



we need more toes in these waters...all the toes we can get. and you definitely have the right kind of toes. not that I know what your toes are like. I mean, we're talking metaphorical toes, but...you know what I mean. right?



more toes! :)



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Fri Jul 23, 2004 11:48 pm 
Mel,



Thinking of you lately has led me to reread your work, and...wow. It really holds up over time. I'll post feedback in the S7 Tempus Fugit thread.



Anyhow, regarding new fic...I will if you will.

R



"Why did I have to be so veiny?" -- Alyson Hannigan



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Sat Jul 24, 2004 2:50 am 
Ruby,

aha! done!



you're it. :)



xoMel



(I left the link to my new fic in your inbox so I wouldn't be using your thead to pimp my own fic -- this thread should be reserved for the much-deserved praise your fic deserves)



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 Post subject: Re: feedback
PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2004 6:19 am 
This story was great. And I can't really say anything that someone else hasn't already said. So i'll just say that i loved it.





Great job.







brittney







~Kiss this axe, bitch!---Tara "Bargaining part 2"~



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